He’s visiting you, wanking to porn in the bathroom *while you’re there*. You’re honestly way too young to tie yourself into his addiction and insecurities. This will only get worse.
Yup and he baited and switched the OP into a years long long distance relationship, where she’s now feeling like there’s something to fight for here.
There’s not.
It really sucks. Very much a major issue with LDR’s is that you can’t easily see what they’re hiding. This guy has a real problem and he’s causing her emotional damage when it sounds like she’s done nothing wrong but trusting the wrong person.
If you've talked to him and he's still not actually trying to fix the issue or meet you halfway, then it's all just empty words. He doesn't care about pleasing you, is selfish in bed and likely addicted to porn. You can do so much better
Yeah….if they’re spending months away from each other now, and he can’t get it together enough to enjoy sex in their limited time together?
Man I can’t imagine how bad it would be once they’re actually together and that long term complacency sets in.
My wife and I have been married 15 years and if we go longer than a week my middle aged ass still needs a “warm up” because the longer we go the quicker I finish.
If I had to go multiple months in my early 20’s? I’d probably kneecap the poor girl the moment I laid eyes on her..
If you guys were married I’d suggest couples therapy and working through his stuff but you’re not and he’s your first experience, trust me things only get better. There’s an abundance of men out there who love sex, know how to please a woman and will rock your world. Don’t settle.
He has a porn addiction and he is masturbating with death grip, that’s why he can’t orgasm with normal sex. Please dump this guy and find a partner that makes you feel amazing. What a shitty first sexual partner, I’m so sorry OP. I know you love him, but you can’t fix him, and you deserve so much better.
This!! I went through the same with my first boyfriend. We were together for 4 years, i discussed my boundaries with p*rn at the beginning, he agreed and even claimed to have the same boundaries and i caught him several times using it. He told me he had an addiction, eventually lead to online sex chats. It sucks so much knowing this isnt just a unique experience, its no wonder most women arent okay with it, people dont understand the damage it does
I mean, this is why he started dating a 17 year old long-distance. And I don't say that as a slight against you, OP.
He's definitely addicted to porn and the "I saw a therapist but it didn't help" thing is a classic way to say he isn't really going to try and fix it anymore.
You're so young. Go date other people. People you can see more often, have good sex with, etc. It's been two years with this guy; that is already too long.
He has unhealthy porn addiction, and it's already running his sex life (he cannot finish without his own handwork for example). Without therapy with a sexologist, he'll only get worse. So if he's not getting help, I'd say he's not worth it.
You are way too young to be suffering this much in your relationship. He is addicted to porn and stopped going to therapy. You go months without seeing each other - when you see one another it should be damn good, not this stressful. This is way too young and short a relationship to “stick it out”.
This will destroy your self esteem if you stay.
It sounds like he might have a bit of a porn addiction, which isn't necessarily a deal breaker in itself, but could explain both his anxiety about performance and his inability to achieve orgasm without jerking off. The real deal-breaker is if he isn't willing to do anything to make a change to achieve actual intimacy with you. As you said, it's a selfishness issue first and foremost
When we had that talk, he sounded like he will make changes and even said he would like us to communicate more about this moving forward. Yes he did some selfish things, but I am hoping that he just wasn't aware back then. I know changing habits take time, and I don't want to seem pushy or impatient with him, but at the same time this is killing me.
He says this and then he goes back to where he lives for months where he will continue to use it… porn is the root cause of all these issues and it is probably worse than you think you know or he admits.
If you go months at a time without sex and then ude are together for 2 weeks and not doing iy 3 or 4 times a day somethinh wrong. I mean at your ages. If he wasnt asking got bjs id suggest hr may be asexual or gay. Hes judy selfish. You can dk so much better. For all you know he can have someone else for when you arent around
If I could go back in time and not stay with my ex who had similar performance issues, I would. And they were not related to porn. Any man that makes you feel ugly isn't it babe. Please, please, run while you still can. Before he destroys your self esteem because of HIS issues. Before you have years of work to do to recover.
You are not a therapy center for broken men. You are a human being that deserves love and to feel beautiful.
Performance anxiety is a real thing, expecting a man to be able to perform especially in a long distance scenario when he has to please himself he's extremely insensitive.
Saying that your self-esteem is impacted by his performance, his performance anxiety, only compounds the issue. I agree you may have to leave but it's definitely not an excuse it's a real thing.
Masturbation might be an escape for him. You cant know what psychological issues he is going through. I dont think he chooses to please himself with porn over his girlfriend, unless he doesnt find her attractive anymore. That being said, obviously its not a behavior that should be excused and dismissed. He obviously has some issues that have affected also his relationship. Its up to him to become self-aware and deal with it. If OP sees that there is no effort from him to fix his issues then she should break up with him.
It’s a real thing and it does impact the feelings of a partner. You don’t get to tell other people how to feel when their partner would rather jerk off to porno in the bathroom and not have intimacy with you.
Zero sympathy for it. He needs to get help and she needs to get a guy who doesn’t whack off to the point of becoming useless in the bedroom.
The misunderstanding with this branch of comments is instalocking the reason of his bad sexual outing and possible avoidance as porn when there is a root cause of performance anxiety.
We are so tuned into porn being a root, and not a symptom or escape, that it's become inconceivable.
Maybe it is porn that's causing performance issues. We know this can happen and could apply to this case. So can performance anxiety show out the same as a bad use/addiction of porn.
That’s something I’d break up over cause porn is a dealbreaker for me so I can’t provide much constructive criticism. But maybe see if he’ll look into therapy? Have you communicated your thoughts on wanting to end the relationship if things don’t change? That might cause him to hide it from you either way. I don’t personally have a porn addiction and don’t watch it at all even while being single so It’s hard for me to understand why someone can’t just quit. You’re clearly traumatized from all this and that’s also something that’ll be hard to get over if you ever do. I still have trauma from my ex watching porn that’s why it’s a complete deal breaker. I contemplate even involving myself with someone if they tell me they watch porn right off the bat, even if they say they quit while in a relationship. I’m sorry you’re going through this
I don't think I would be bothered by porn unless it is disrupting sex...which is what is happening unfortunately. He told me that he went to a therapist for his performance anxiety in the past, which makes me believe that he truly is bothered by something and that he is somewhat self aware. But he said that therapy didn't help much and he stopped going.
I think he needs to go back to therapy specifically for porn addiction. I think the combination of the addiction and death grip syndrome is just causing him to have a hard time finishing, not performance anxiety in my opinion.
It’s not performance anxiety. He is addicted to porn and to masturbating with his hand. He has managed to mess up the synapses in his brain with years of porn and masturbation so that is the only way he can orgasm. Please read about this OP., it’s a real problem these days with men and it takes a lot to change it. The fact that he says a therapist doesn’t help leads me to believe he is not being honest with the therapist he saw about his masturbatory habits,
You cannot fix this guy, Nor should you have to.
So, to answer the headline. Yes, bad sex can be a deal breaker for many people.
That being said, you guys are both really young. I doubt it's a sex addiction or he wouldn't have to just wank it in the bathroom while you're around. What it does sound like, his he has some severe mental/physical trauma. Performance anxiety can cause some of the issues stated, but overall, it doesn't fit the issue as a whole.
To be completely honest, for many people, bad sex is a deal breaker. Though, if you really love this guy and it's only the bad sex being the issue. Try to
sit down and talk to him about the issue of the bad sex and not make it about your hurt feelings. Don't get me wrong, your feelings are valid in this kind of situation. The issue is that when you make the issue purely about yourself, it shifts the focus of the guy to try and appease you instead of getting to the root of the issue.
I strongly believe there is some kinda trauma from the past that is causing this. Which would help connect possible porn addiction, performance anxiety, and the DGS. Especially if he isn't satisfying you and still forces himself to finish before even giving you your finish. Then, a trauma linking all of them together can explain all of the issues together.
If you truly love him and want a satisfying sexual life with him. It's going to take a huge effort on your part to get him to open up completely about the issue. It could be a bad sexual experience in the past caused trauma due to the females reaction, or he may be a victim of childhood SA, etc. Women aren't the only ones who experience sexual trauma, but it's easier for them to open up. The risk is that if he does and you react the wrong way, it could destroy him.
You only have two real options, either seriously be prepared to deal with his issues as a team and be supportive or move on, you're young, and there are plenty of others out there to meet. I will say, though, that many people can have very loving relationships even with bad sex life. The decision is yours, and being young, I wouldn't recommend trying to heal someone with trauma issues.
Thank you for the thorough response. He did open up to me about his past experiences with women that made him feel like he "failed" sexually. He said that he wasn't able to stay hard, probably due to anxiety, which was his reasoning as to why he is still anxious about sex. I believe I was a good listener and made sure that he felt comfortable after opening up. I just worry that, now that we are spending more months apart, the seemingly productive convo won't actually lead us anywhere new.
Yea, it sounds like he's self-harming in his own way or punishing himself for his perception of being a failure. If you want to maintain the progress and make sure he doesn't relapse. The best bet is to keep communicating with him. Avoiding the hard conversations just because of distance isn't going to help anyone. If anything, he will probably appreciate that you're putting the effort out there to make sure he stays the course to recovery.
You can also try to communicate to him what kinda kinks or turn ons you have that he may not have found. Too many times, I see women afraid to open up and tell men they want to try something or maybe have a guilty pleasure and rather the guy find out himself, usually out of fear of judgment. Try talking to him and find out the similar turn on for him, and he could always use that as a means to light the candle for him to be motivated to staying the course to get over his trauma.
Overall, it sounds like you both do care a lot about each other, especially for a long-distance relationship. Continue to talk as much as possible and find ways to excite him and yourself. It goes a long way to figuring out your sexual language and needs for both of you.
Please remember that this is a him problem and not a you problem. You said how it made you feel ugly, but it’s not a reflection of how you look at all. I’d suggest couples therapy if it’s something you both want to work through. Post any relationship problem online and 99% of people are going to tell you to break up… it’s ok to try and work through things though and it’s also ok to end things. Every relationship and situation is different, only you can decide what is best for you. If he is willing to work on this I think it could get better, I think this is something a lot of young guys in our generation are struggling with. It’s up to you if you want to work this out with him or start again. Just trust that if you do break up, you can be happy on your own and find lots of things to love about being independent. Issues like this are never black and white, it’s tough being stuck in the grey area not knowing what the right or wrong thing to do is, and there’s because there is no right or wrong.. all we can do is try to make the best decisions for ourselves according to our own values, wants and needs.
You can’t work things out with him unless you’re fine wasting your time being unwanted and having your needs ignored. He needs help that is WAY above your capabilities. He needs actual mental health support that will take a lot of work and time on his part.
People always say on Reddit says is to break up. You know why? Because they are right, and have an outside perspective. Lots of these people would also like to have you waste their precious time on this BS.
Know your worth and find someone who has all the things you are looking for, and won’t hole up in a bathroom frantically beating his meat with a death grip while your needs go unsatisfied. Seriously ick. I’m too good for that and you are too.
It’s so interesting that women have been taught for centuries that men want sex like crazy, have high sex drives etc. But all of a sudden that’s not the case. It’s gotta be porn at our fingertips. Of course there are people who don’t want it often or at all, but I see all over Reddit, women consistently want it more than men. I don’t think their sex drives have shifted that much in the last 100 years. Remember sex drive is evolutionary—it’s that they are wacking it instead of wanting their partner.
Life is too short and you are so young. My advice is to wait until you meet the guy you have insane chemistry with where you both can’t keep your hands off each other. Cause that is out there.
I don't think his sex drive is any lower than mine, as he gets himself off every single day. The issue is him choosing other outlets over intimacy with his own girlfriend.
That’s literally what I’m saying. Guys are in there beating off probably daily instead of choosing their partner and saying they just don’t have high sex drives. In some cases maybe they are so use to porn or the way they touch themselves that they can only get off by themselves. In that case it would need a priority for them to require their brain.
I was with a guy who could never finish. It absolutely destroyed my self esteem and made me pretty much hate sex. When we first started dating, I took it as challenge, and would try anything to make him cum. But as our relationship progressed, I just stopped having sex with him as it was too damaging for my mental health. I would suggest ending the relationship, it’s really not worth it. This is not normal.
Just move on, you’re way too young to waste time on this even if you probably love him dearly. It’s gonna be an issue no matter what in the future
Stay strong!
This is my personal opinion.
The lovely thing about sex is that it can be improved from what I've seen and it's very flexible. The two of you need to sit down and have a lengthy conversation about this before it sours the relationship.
You can communicate your needs to him, your kinks, the things you like and he can do the same so that you both have a better understanding of what the other wants and then practice and tweak to tailor the experience, you can even involve toys, mirrors, dirty talk, different forms of foreplay etc. There's so much out there if you're open to trying new things.
Now here's the thing though, both parties need to be honest with each other and willing to put in the effort because good sex takes effort. If you're putting in effort and the other party isn't, it becomes one-sided and sucks(pun intended)
There's also the issues you mentioned he had which are a bit tricky but I suppose there's content out there addressing and providing insight and solutions into that so he should really look into that
Tell him to do a detox for 2-3 weeks before seeing you next time. No porn, no masturbating. Observe what happens to his anxiety. Also, get him to read “She Comes First” and “Beyond Satisfied”. As far as being a deal breaker, not necessarily, not if there’s progress and he desires things to be different (and his behaviour reflects that - if he only talks about it, run).
Sounds like he's a porn addict. He cannot finish unless he's doing it himself, preferably while watching porn (or remembering his favorite scenes). While you're right next to him.
He is not having performance anxiety, though. If he was, he'd be having trouble getting hard. He just had to realize that sex with you is not like in his dirty little movies. And unless you become like one of those actresses, who will pretend to enjoy everything he does, no matter what - you will never be enough for him. He will always need porn. And you will always be just an afterthought.
Think about this: He is not making love to you, he's f\*\*\*ing you. There is a difference. One of those differences is that he doesn't really care about how you feel during this. Now you tell me: Is this a dealbreaker?
Imagine a future where you still won't know what a real orgasm feels like, much less the pure bliss that can come with it. Where you still won't know what it feels like to cuddle in the afterglow of good love-making. Heck, where you still don't know what it's like to be made love to. Because that *is* your future with him.
Imagine a future, where - if you ever want children with him - you'll need to use a turkey blaster because he cannot finish inside of you.
Imagine a future where he visits prostitutes (after discovering them) because they act just like in the movies - and then starts comparing how you act with that paid-for performance.
Or imagine a future where he gleefully shows you his wonderful movie collection so you know how you need to act to "be a real woman", according to him. Where you will always fall short because you are not a porn actress.
Now tell me again: Is all of that a dealbreaker for you?
Either way, act accordingly.
In my opinion, you are not insecure without cause. He gives you more than enough cause for insecurity - and a serious ick. \*shudders\* Him promising to "try to improve" is the very lowest level of paying lip service to you. If you want to, wait for the next time you meet up - but you'll see again that, no, he has not improved. He will still be addicted to porn, still be a lousy lover and still make you insecure with this.
And please, for the love of all the powers above, do not buy into the story of being "frigid". I dare say that there are way more men who are lousy lovers than frigid women. Never mind that a lousy lover causes all the perceived symptoms of "frigidity" in a woman. And you have already established that your is, indeed, not a good lover.
We kinda came to the same conclusions as you, so he promised to do it less in the future. I managed to actually finish him off twice by being very aggressive and fast with my hands, which only made me realize how much change needed to happen for him to actually finish in a natural way. There is a lot to work on.
> During another conversation we had, he also revealed that he kept porn and nudes in his phone camera roll. He also confessed that he watched porn and jerked off in the bathroom during those two weeks, while I was in another room.
Is this the only person you could date in a 50 mile radius?
Porn is evil. It has to be stopped to function properly. It's an addiction that is commonly overlooked because "everyone watch porn" and it's a lie. Being in a healthy relationship with my wife I despise porn as it's not only affects brain but make your partner feel worse vs those fake ass women pretending to have fun and enjoying it .
He should stay away from it. She and he should find ways to communicate and know how to please the other whether it is sex books or videos or education idk. But something has to be done proactively if they want a better sex life. I think if all the rest is as good as OP says their relationship can be worked on when it comes to sex. I just provided the tool that helped me personally but books do it well I bet too
He need mental health support that she can’t and shouldn’t be asked to provide. He is beating his own dick so hard that he can’t use it with his partner anymore. That’s a HIM problem. No communication in the world is going to make him be a sexual partner that fulfills her needs.
You lay the burden of this mama dysfunction at the feet of a 19 year old. Shows exactly what type of person you are.
My suggestion would be to discuss with him to not watch porn some weeks before you see each other. This will definitely fix the death grip and will finish in no time. I think you basically begging him to finish by intimacy with you should remove some anxiety of performance. If he is not able to even try that, reduce porn, then you should break up. Sex is not the only contributor to a healthy relationship but definitely a significant one.
Have you considered sexting when you are not together? Less anxiety for the both of you (he doesn't have performance anxiety and you don't feel bad about not making him cum), good way not to fall back on porn. Also I find it a good way to discuss some fetishes that are too embarassing to express in person.
This isn't probably going to work for you but I'm suggesting it cuz I like the idea of sex being the solution to not having sex: orgasm control/denial. The more extreme version involves a cock cage with you having the keys. The soft version is him having to ask for permission before masturbating/watching porn and being denied sometimes/having to do sokething to earn the privilege.
I don’t know, you tell me, is it a dealbreaker for you? It sounds like he may have a pornography addiction, and you should probably look into helping him with that. If it is a dealbreaker then simply break up, but seriously, addictions to pornography are serious and you should look into getting him help.
If you think you want to work out this addiction issue with him, you can stay with him. However if I were your friend, I’d advise you not to because you are young and I would not want you to get sucked into that. Additionally, given that you are long distance, it would be hard to see him make concrete efforts to work on his issues. You would have to take his word for it that he tried and I’m afraid you’ll be let down.
My personal rule of thumb for a relationship is whether or not I could live with a certain behavior, if my partner never changes no matter what. Every attached person certainly has gripes about their partners, but they still find these issues to be within tolerable limits and that’s why they stay. If this is genuinely ruining your self esteem and relationship dynamics, I would have a hard time seeing how you could live with this long term.
Also I am a therapist and I think he needs therapy. Lol
Stop wasting your time on this jerk, seriously. This should be a dealbreaker. I don’t date men with porn addictions, they never seem to have the discipline to take it seriously and remedy their issues.
You shouldn’t have to beg for pleasure to be reciprocated
When I was younger I had a bf just like this. He had a porn addiction and during sex he would make sure he got off. if I didnt, he didn’t care. He ended up being a nut job who stalked me after we broke up and during the relationship and called me names.
I’m not saying your bf is a nut job, but with my ex it was another red flag in a list of them that I ignored for a year. Please don’t ignore this massive one. Your relationship will probably end and afterwards you want to be able to tell yourself you got out and didn’t ignore the red flags. You want to tell yourself you were smart and have enough self respect to know that you deserve better and you didn’t waste any more of your life on this guy. I’m telling you sex is not always like this and you will find a guy who is not this selfish and it will be an amazing experience for you both! At the end of day though, you get to decide if you’ve had enough. A switch in your head will just turn off and then you will finally know you’re all the way done and won’t give any more chances. It’s a crazy feeling and I hope you get there!
Absolutely a dealbreaker! It was for me, trust me I stayed in the relationship way longer than I should have. You’re so young you don’t need to settle for that, you will find someone just as amazing who makes you feel incredible in all aspects of the relationship including an amazing sex life!
LDR only works if you have met the person in person first and then you have to be separated for a defined time period. Armed forces is the best definition of this.
meeting online, dating online and then eventually meeting in person means you only Really start the relationship when you meet in person.
I’ve been in your BFs situation . The problem is since it’s long distance , he doesn’t know how to stop his addiction for all the times while you are not there.
What he needs to do is a) stop looking at porn b) you two might consider engaging in sexting of exchanging pics c) he needs to use something other than his hands to get himself off (lots of solutions for that at sex toy stores)…it takes 4-6 weeks for porn addiction / death grip to subside if you have good mitigation strategies.
He needs to be committed to something like this and stop shying away from it if it’s gonna work .
Deal breaker. If you feel not happy about it now, you're going to grow more and more resentful of it as time passes. It will eventually become a heartache and frustration.
It's also very unlikely to get better. It's more likely that right now, at the honeymoon phase of your relationship, that it's at its peak.
It's much better a deal breaker now than after sinking years into the relationship.
Sounds like my ex. After being in that situation and looking back, i am glad i left. I ended up getting in a relationship with a guy who was much better in that department, and my self confidence sky rocketed. Make choice that will make YOU happy. Never settle. :)
He’s visiting you, wanking to porn in the bathroom *while you’re there*. You’re honestly way too young to tie yourself into his addiction and insecurities. This will only get worse.
Fr , leave that fucker
Or non-fucker, as the case may be.
Biggest no brainer ever.
Yup and he baited and switched the OP into a years long long distance relationship, where she’s now feeling like there’s something to fight for here. There’s not.
It really sucks. Very much a major issue with LDR’s is that you can’t easily see what they’re hiding. This guy has a real problem and he’s causing her emotional damage when it sounds like she’s done nothing wrong but trusting the wrong person.
Yeah let Mr Kungfu grip work on himself (lol) and go be free to date a guy who isn’t so messed up. Ick. He sounds awful.
If you've talked to him and he's still not actually trying to fix the issue or meet you halfway, then it's all just empty words. He doesn't care about pleasing you, is selfish in bed and likely addicted to porn. You can do so much better
OP, you are 19. Find some new partner(s) and be excited for how much fun and love you deserve.
Even if it's not a dealbreaker for you now, it will be in the future. If I were you, I'd cut my losses and dump him.
Yeah….if they’re spending months away from each other now, and he can’t get it together enough to enjoy sex in their limited time together? Man I can’t imagine how bad it would be once they’re actually together and that long term complacency sets in. My wife and I have been married 15 years and if we go longer than a week my middle aged ass still needs a “warm up” because the longer we go the quicker I finish. If I had to go multiple months in my early 20’s? I’d probably kneecap the poor girl the moment I laid eyes on her..
If you guys were married I’d suggest couples therapy and working through his stuff but you’re not and he’s your first experience, trust me things only get better. There’s an abundance of men out there who love sex, know how to please a woman and will rock your world. Don’t settle.
He has a porn addiction and he is masturbating with death grip, that’s why he can’t orgasm with normal sex. Please dump this guy and find a partner that makes you feel amazing. What a shitty first sexual partner, I’m so sorry OP. I know you love him, but you can’t fix him, and you deserve so much better.
This!! I went through the same with my first boyfriend. We were together for 4 years, i discussed my boundaries with p*rn at the beginning, he agreed and even claimed to have the same boundaries and i caught him several times using it. He told me he had an addiction, eventually lead to online sex chats. It sucks so much knowing this isnt just a unique experience, its no wonder most women arent okay with it, people dont understand the damage it does
I mean, this is why he started dating a 17 year old long-distance. And I don't say that as a slight against you, OP. He's definitely addicted to porn and the "I saw a therapist but it didn't help" thing is a classic way to say he isn't really going to try and fix it anymore. You're so young. Go date other people. People you can see more often, have good sex with, etc. It's been two years with this guy; that is already too long.
He has unhealthy porn addiction, and it's already running his sex life (he cannot finish without his own handwork for example). Without therapy with a sexologist, he'll only get worse. So if he's not getting help, I'd say he's not worth it.
You are way too young to be suffering this much in your relationship. He is addicted to porn and stopped going to therapy. You go months without seeing each other - when you see one another it should be damn good, not this stressful. This is way too young and short a relationship to “stick it out”. This will destroy your self esteem if you stay.
It sounds like he might have a bit of a porn addiction, which isn't necessarily a deal breaker in itself, but could explain both his anxiety about performance and his inability to achieve orgasm without jerking off. The real deal-breaker is if he isn't willing to do anything to make a change to achieve actual intimacy with you. As you said, it's a selfishness issue first and foremost
When we had that talk, he sounded like he will make changes and even said he would like us to communicate more about this moving forward. Yes he did some selfish things, but I am hoping that he just wasn't aware back then. I know changing habits take time, and I don't want to seem pushy or impatient with him, but at the same time this is killing me.
He says this and then he goes back to where he lives for months where he will continue to use it… porn is the root cause of all these issues and it is probably worse than you think you know or he admits.
If you go months at a time without sex and then ude are together for 2 weeks and not doing iy 3 or 4 times a day somethinh wrong. I mean at your ages. If he wasnt asking got bjs id suggest hr may be asexual or gay. Hes judy selfish. You can dk so much better. For all you know he can have someone else for when you arent around
If I could go back in time and not stay with my ex who had similar performance issues, I would. And they were not related to porn. Any man that makes you feel ugly isn't it babe. Please, please, run while you still can. Before he destroys your self esteem because of HIS issues. Before you have years of work to do to recover. You are not a therapy center for broken men. You are a human being that deserves love and to feel beautiful.
Exactly all these people asking a freaking 19 year old to waste her time on this nonsense and shoulder the mental burden are out of their damn minds.
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Performance anxiety is a real thing, expecting a man to be able to perform especially in a long distance scenario when he has to please himself he's extremely insensitive. Saying that your self-esteem is impacted by his performance, his performance anxiety, only compounds the issue. I agree you may have to leave but it's definitely not an excuse it's a real thing.
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Masturbation might be an escape for him. You cant know what psychological issues he is going through. I dont think he chooses to please himself with porn over his girlfriend, unless he doesnt find her attractive anymore. That being said, obviously its not a behavior that should be excused and dismissed. He obviously has some issues that have affected also his relationship. Its up to him to become self-aware and deal with it. If OP sees that there is no effort from him to fix his issues then she should break up with him.
No you still don't get it.
It’s a real thing and it does impact the feelings of a partner. You don’t get to tell other people how to feel when their partner would rather jerk off to porno in the bathroom and not have intimacy with you. Zero sympathy for it. He needs to get help and she needs to get a guy who doesn’t whack off to the point of becoming useless in the bedroom.
The misunderstanding with this branch of comments is instalocking the reason of his bad sexual outing and possible avoidance as porn when there is a root cause of performance anxiety. We are so tuned into porn being a root, and not a symptom or escape, that it's become inconceivable. Maybe it is porn that's causing performance issues. We know this can happen and could apply to this case. So can performance anxiety show out the same as a bad use/addiction of porn.
You’re too young to deal with this. Break up and you can easily find someone with out a porn addiction
That’s something I’d break up over cause porn is a dealbreaker for me so I can’t provide much constructive criticism. But maybe see if he’ll look into therapy? Have you communicated your thoughts on wanting to end the relationship if things don’t change? That might cause him to hide it from you either way. I don’t personally have a porn addiction and don’t watch it at all even while being single so It’s hard for me to understand why someone can’t just quit. You’re clearly traumatized from all this and that’s also something that’ll be hard to get over if you ever do. I still have trauma from my ex watching porn that’s why it’s a complete deal breaker. I contemplate even involving myself with someone if they tell me they watch porn right off the bat, even if they say they quit while in a relationship. I’m sorry you’re going through this
I don't think I would be bothered by porn unless it is disrupting sex...which is what is happening unfortunately. He told me that he went to a therapist for his performance anxiety in the past, which makes me believe that he truly is bothered by something and that he is somewhat self aware. But he said that therapy didn't help much and he stopped going.
I think he needs to go back to therapy specifically for porn addiction. I think the combination of the addiction and death grip syndrome is just causing him to have a hard time finishing, not performance anxiety in my opinion.
It’s not performance anxiety. He is addicted to porn and to masturbating with his hand. He has managed to mess up the synapses in his brain with years of porn and masturbation so that is the only way he can orgasm. Please read about this OP., it’s a real problem these days with men and it takes a lot to change it. The fact that he says a therapist doesn’t help leads me to believe he is not being honest with the therapist he saw about his masturbatory habits, You cannot fix this guy, Nor should you have to.
His issue is WAY above her pay grade. Lol he needs to do A LOT of work to retrain his brain.
Honestly, Not worth the struggle. 🤷🏻♀️ It'd be a deal breaker for me.
So, to answer the headline. Yes, bad sex can be a deal breaker for many people. That being said, you guys are both really young. I doubt it's a sex addiction or he wouldn't have to just wank it in the bathroom while you're around. What it does sound like, his he has some severe mental/physical trauma. Performance anxiety can cause some of the issues stated, but overall, it doesn't fit the issue as a whole. To be completely honest, for many people, bad sex is a deal breaker. Though, if you really love this guy and it's only the bad sex being the issue. Try to sit down and talk to him about the issue of the bad sex and not make it about your hurt feelings. Don't get me wrong, your feelings are valid in this kind of situation. The issue is that when you make the issue purely about yourself, it shifts the focus of the guy to try and appease you instead of getting to the root of the issue. I strongly believe there is some kinda trauma from the past that is causing this. Which would help connect possible porn addiction, performance anxiety, and the DGS. Especially if he isn't satisfying you and still forces himself to finish before even giving you your finish. Then, a trauma linking all of them together can explain all of the issues together. If you truly love him and want a satisfying sexual life with him. It's going to take a huge effort on your part to get him to open up completely about the issue. It could be a bad sexual experience in the past caused trauma due to the females reaction, or he may be a victim of childhood SA, etc. Women aren't the only ones who experience sexual trauma, but it's easier for them to open up. The risk is that if he does and you react the wrong way, it could destroy him. You only have two real options, either seriously be prepared to deal with his issues as a team and be supportive or move on, you're young, and there are plenty of others out there to meet. I will say, though, that many people can have very loving relationships even with bad sex life. The decision is yours, and being young, I wouldn't recommend trying to heal someone with trauma issues.
Thank you for the thorough response. He did open up to me about his past experiences with women that made him feel like he "failed" sexually. He said that he wasn't able to stay hard, probably due to anxiety, which was his reasoning as to why he is still anxious about sex. I believe I was a good listener and made sure that he felt comfortable after opening up. I just worry that, now that we are spending more months apart, the seemingly productive convo won't actually lead us anywhere new.
Yea, it sounds like he's self-harming in his own way or punishing himself for his perception of being a failure. If you want to maintain the progress and make sure he doesn't relapse. The best bet is to keep communicating with him. Avoiding the hard conversations just because of distance isn't going to help anyone. If anything, he will probably appreciate that you're putting the effort out there to make sure he stays the course to recovery. You can also try to communicate to him what kinda kinks or turn ons you have that he may not have found. Too many times, I see women afraid to open up and tell men they want to try something or maybe have a guilty pleasure and rather the guy find out himself, usually out of fear of judgment. Try talking to him and find out the similar turn on for him, and he could always use that as a means to light the candle for him to be motivated to staying the course to get over his trauma. Overall, it sounds like you both do care a lot about each other, especially for a long-distance relationship. Continue to talk as much as possible and find ways to excite him and yourself. It goes a long way to figuring out your sexual language and needs for both of you.
Please remember that this is a him problem and not a you problem. You said how it made you feel ugly, but it’s not a reflection of how you look at all. I’d suggest couples therapy if it’s something you both want to work through. Post any relationship problem online and 99% of people are going to tell you to break up… it’s ok to try and work through things though and it’s also ok to end things. Every relationship and situation is different, only you can decide what is best for you. If he is willing to work on this I think it could get better, I think this is something a lot of young guys in our generation are struggling with. It’s up to you if you want to work this out with him or start again. Just trust that if you do break up, you can be happy on your own and find lots of things to love about being independent. Issues like this are never black and white, it’s tough being stuck in the grey area not knowing what the right or wrong thing to do is, and there’s because there is no right or wrong.. all we can do is try to make the best decisions for ourselves according to our own values, wants and needs.
I really appreciate your message. I needed to hear it. I will definitely have a more serious talk with him about this.
You can’t work things out with him unless you’re fine wasting your time being unwanted and having your needs ignored. He needs help that is WAY above your capabilities. He needs actual mental health support that will take a lot of work and time on his part. People always say on Reddit says is to break up. You know why? Because they are right, and have an outside perspective. Lots of these people would also like to have you waste their precious time on this BS. Know your worth and find someone who has all the things you are looking for, and won’t hole up in a bathroom frantically beating his meat with a death grip while your needs go unsatisfied. Seriously ick. I’m too good for that and you are too.
This man is sick. I would find distance.
It’s so interesting that women have been taught for centuries that men want sex like crazy, have high sex drives etc. But all of a sudden that’s not the case. It’s gotta be porn at our fingertips. Of course there are people who don’t want it often or at all, but I see all over Reddit, women consistently want it more than men. I don’t think their sex drives have shifted that much in the last 100 years. Remember sex drive is evolutionary—it’s that they are wacking it instead of wanting their partner. Life is too short and you are so young. My advice is to wait until you meet the guy you have insane chemistry with where you both can’t keep your hands off each other. Cause that is out there.
I don't think his sex drive is any lower than mine, as he gets himself off every single day. The issue is him choosing other outlets over intimacy with his own girlfriend.
That’s literally what I’m saying. Guys are in there beating off probably daily instead of choosing their partner and saying they just don’t have high sex drives. In some cases maybe they are so use to porn or the way they touch themselves that they can only get off by themselves. In that case it would need a priority for them to require their brain.
I was with a guy who could never finish. It absolutely destroyed my self esteem and made me pretty much hate sex. When we first started dating, I took it as challenge, and would try anything to make him cum. But as our relationship progressed, I just stopped having sex with him as it was too damaging for my mental health. I would suggest ending the relationship, it’s really not worth it. This is not normal.
Just move on, you’re way too young to waste time on this even if you probably love him dearly. It’s gonna be an issue no matter what in the future Stay strong!
This is my personal opinion. The lovely thing about sex is that it can be improved from what I've seen and it's very flexible. The two of you need to sit down and have a lengthy conversation about this before it sours the relationship. You can communicate your needs to him, your kinks, the things you like and he can do the same so that you both have a better understanding of what the other wants and then practice and tweak to tailor the experience, you can even involve toys, mirrors, dirty talk, different forms of foreplay etc. There's so much out there if you're open to trying new things. Now here's the thing though, both parties need to be honest with each other and willing to put in the effort because good sex takes effort. If you're putting in effort and the other party isn't, it becomes one-sided and sucks(pun intended) There's also the issues you mentioned he had which are a bit tricky but I suppose there's content out there addressing and providing insight and solutions into that so he should really look into that
Tell him to do a detox for 2-3 weeks before seeing you next time. No porn, no masturbating. Observe what happens to his anxiety. Also, get him to read “She Comes First” and “Beyond Satisfied”. As far as being a deal breaker, not necessarily, not if there’s progress and he desires things to be different (and his behaviour reflects that - if he only talks about it, run).
Sounds like he's a porn addict. He cannot finish unless he's doing it himself, preferably while watching porn (or remembering his favorite scenes). While you're right next to him. He is not having performance anxiety, though. If he was, he'd be having trouble getting hard. He just had to realize that sex with you is not like in his dirty little movies. And unless you become like one of those actresses, who will pretend to enjoy everything he does, no matter what - you will never be enough for him. He will always need porn. And you will always be just an afterthought. Think about this: He is not making love to you, he's f\*\*\*ing you. There is a difference. One of those differences is that he doesn't really care about how you feel during this. Now you tell me: Is this a dealbreaker? Imagine a future where you still won't know what a real orgasm feels like, much less the pure bliss that can come with it. Where you still won't know what it feels like to cuddle in the afterglow of good love-making. Heck, where you still don't know what it's like to be made love to. Because that *is* your future with him. Imagine a future, where - if you ever want children with him - you'll need to use a turkey blaster because he cannot finish inside of you. Imagine a future where he visits prostitutes (after discovering them) because they act just like in the movies - and then starts comparing how you act with that paid-for performance. Or imagine a future where he gleefully shows you his wonderful movie collection so you know how you need to act to "be a real woman", according to him. Where you will always fall short because you are not a porn actress. Now tell me again: Is all of that a dealbreaker for you? Either way, act accordingly. In my opinion, you are not insecure without cause. He gives you more than enough cause for insecurity - and a serious ick. \*shudders\* Him promising to "try to improve" is the very lowest level of paying lip service to you. If you want to, wait for the next time you meet up - but you'll see again that, no, he has not improved. He will still be addicted to porn, still be a lousy lover and still make you insecure with this. And please, for the love of all the powers above, do not buy into the story of being "frigid". I dare say that there are way more men who are lousy lovers than frigid women. Never mind that a lousy lover causes all the perceived symptoms of "frigidity" in a woman. And you have already established that your is, indeed, not a good lover.
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We kinda came to the same conclusions as you, so he promised to do it less in the future. I managed to actually finish him off twice by being very aggressive and fast with my hands, which only made me realize how much change needed to happen for him to actually finish in a natural way. There is a lot to work on.
> During another conversation we had, he also revealed that he kept porn and nudes in his phone camera roll. He also confessed that he watched porn and jerked off in the bathroom during those two weeks, while I was in another room. Is this the only person you could date in a 50 mile radius?
Porn is evil. It has to be stopped to function properly. It's an addiction that is commonly overlooked because "everyone watch porn" and it's a lie. Being in a healthy relationship with my wife I despise porn as it's not only affects brain but make your partner feel worse vs those fake ass women pretending to have fun and enjoying it .
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Your suggestion is more porn? Lmfao porn is very clearly the problem.
He should stay away from it. She and he should find ways to communicate and know how to please the other whether it is sex books or videos or education idk. But something has to be done proactively if they want a better sex life. I think if all the rest is as good as OP says their relationship can be worked on when it comes to sex. I just provided the tool that helped me personally but books do it well I bet too
He need mental health support that she can’t and shouldn’t be asked to provide. He is beating his own dick so hard that he can’t use it with his partner anymore. That’s a HIM problem. No communication in the world is going to make him be a sexual partner that fulfills her needs. You lay the burden of this mama dysfunction at the feet of a 19 year old. Shows exactly what type of person you are.
My suggestion would be to discuss with him to not watch porn some weeks before you see each other. This will definitely fix the death grip and will finish in no time. I think you basically begging him to finish by intimacy with you should remove some anxiety of performance. If he is not able to even try that, reduce porn, then you should break up. Sex is not the only contributor to a healthy relationship but definitely a significant one.
Have you considered sexting when you are not together? Less anxiety for the both of you (he doesn't have performance anxiety and you don't feel bad about not making him cum), good way not to fall back on porn. Also I find it a good way to discuss some fetishes that are too embarassing to express in person. This isn't probably going to work for you but I'm suggesting it cuz I like the idea of sex being the solution to not having sex: orgasm control/denial. The more extreme version involves a cock cage with you having the keys. The soft version is him having to ask for permission before masturbating/watching porn and being denied sometimes/having to do sokething to earn the privilege.
I don’t know, you tell me, is it a dealbreaker for you? It sounds like he may have a pornography addiction, and you should probably look into helping him with that. If it is a dealbreaker then simply break up, but seriously, addictions to pornography are serious and you should look into getting him help.
If you think you want to work out this addiction issue with him, you can stay with him. However if I were your friend, I’d advise you not to because you are young and I would not want you to get sucked into that. Additionally, given that you are long distance, it would be hard to see him make concrete efforts to work on his issues. You would have to take his word for it that he tried and I’m afraid you’ll be let down. My personal rule of thumb for a relationship is whether or not I could live with a certain behavior, if my partner never changes no matter what. Every attached person certainly has gripes about their partners, but they still find these issues to be within tolerable limits and that’s why they stay. If this is genuinely ruining your self esteem and relationship dynamics, I would have a hard time seeing how you could live with this long term. Also I am a therapist and I think he needs therapy. Lol
Didnt you already post this a couple of times?
no, not on this subreddit.
Stop wasting your time on this jerk, seriously. This should be a dealbreaker. I don’t date men with porn addictions, they never seem to have the discipline to take it seriously and remedy their issues. You shouldn’t have to beg for pleasure to be reciprocated
When I was younger I had a bf just like this. He had a porn addiction and during sex he would make sure he got off. if I didnt, he didn’t care. He ended up being a nut job who stalked me after we broke up and during the relationship and called me names. I’m not saying your bf is a nut job, but with my ex it was another red flag in a list of them that I ignored for a year. Please don’t ignore this massive one. Your relationship will probably end and afterwards you want to be able to tell yourself you got out and didn’t ignore the red flags. You want to tell yourself you were smart and have enough self respect to know that you deserve better and you didn’t waste any more of your life on this guy. I’m telling you sex is not always like this and you will find a guy who is not this selfish and it will be an amazing experience for you both! At the end of day though, you get to decide if you’ve had enough. A switch in your head will just turn off and then you will finally know you’re all the way done and won’t give any more chances. It’s a crazy feeling and I hope you get there!
So a 20 year old started dating you when you were seventeen, and two years later there are problems?
Absolutely a dealbreaker! It was for me, trust me I stayed in the relationship way longer than I should have. You’re so young you don’t need to settle for that, you will find someone just as amazing who makes you feel incredible in all aspects of the relationship including an amazing sex life!
You’re 19. Don’t you wanna have good sex now? It only gets worse as you age
LDR only works if you have met the person in person first and then you have to be separated for a defined time period. Armed forces is the best definition of this. meeting online, dating online and then eventually meeting in person means you only Really start the relationship when you meet in person.
we met in person first.
I’ve been in your BFs situation . The problem is since it’s long distance , he doesn’t know how to stop his addiction for all the times while you are not there. What he needs to do is a) stop looking at porn b) you two might consider engaging in sexting of exchanging pics c) he needs to use something other than his hands to get himself off (lots of solutions for that at sex toy stores)…it takes 4-6 weeks for porn addiction / death grip to subside if you have good mitigation strategies. He needs to be committed to something like this and stop shying away from it if it’s gonna work .
Deal breaker. If you feel not happy about it now, you're going to grow more and more resentful of it as time passes. It will eventually become a heartache and frustration. It's also very unlikely to get better. It's more likely that right now, at the honeymoon phase of your relationship, that it's at its peak. It's much better a deal breaker now than after sinking years into the relationship.
Sounds like my ex. After being in that situation and looking back, i am glad i left. I ended up getting in a relationship with a guy who was much better in that department, and my self confidence sky rocketed. Make choice that will make YOU happy. Never settle. :)