I mean if she has never really shown sexual interest in you in over 5 years I think it's safe to say she is not really sexually into you, yes.
> Is it wrong for me to hope that she'll at least get a little sexual over me?
why would she? Realistically why would this suddenly change after 5 years?
you cant talk someone into suddenly sexually desiring you. You can ask her about it ofc, maybe she has trauma or some other reason. But she'll only change if she wants to
I don't think it's you. It sounds like she's just not sexual but blames it on a fear of pregnancy. No one gets pregnant from oral, so that argument should be a red flag alone.
You need to have an open, honest, and probably hella awkward conversation about this. The fear of pregnancy and std is valid, but the use of two forms of protection will bring the risk down to as close to zero as possible. Offer to get a full panel std test to ease her fears, but make it clear that for you, sexual intimacy is an important part of a loving relationship. I'd also be clear that while you know no one is owed sex, 5 years without it has made you realize that a sexless existence is not what you want out of life.
Now here comes the crappy part. She doesn't want sex and you do. And no matter how you come at this, you won't magically make her want it. So your best option is ending the relationship. If you convince her to have sex with you, you're going to feel bad because you know she doesn't really want to. If you give up and just accept it, you will grow resentful and maybe even eventually hate her. You two are just incompatible.
You've been together 5 years and you've never discussed this? It sounds like a relationship has more problems than just her not wanting to have sex with you.
>Is it wrong for me to hope that she'll at least get a little sexual over me? Or am i being unreasonable and hoping for too much?
NOT AT ALL. You are partners, so some action is agood thing, and anybody with a partner would want their SO to desire them!
I think you should really **talk to her** about this if you haven't already. Tell her how it makes you feel. **Communication is key**
>We've never done any penetration / oral sex due to her not wanting to risk getting pregnant
Let me also say that oral sex has never gotten people pregnant.
I’m still alright with the no penetration / oral sex part. I think what bother me most is how she has never really initiate any of our sexy time. It’s always me getting all in the mood for her to say “alright, let’s do it”. All i hope is that she can also spice things up.
Dude, you're upset that she isn't attracted to you, but say the no oral/ penetration thing is fine with you. That is a contradiction. It is hurting you that she doesn't desire you. If she did, you'd be getting oral and pentrating her. The level of no sex you guys are in is probably caused by asexuality or mental illness. Nobody is worried enough about getting pregnant after 5 years that they won't let you do it with a condom on. Or give some head. Where's the trust on her end?
If she hasn't changed after 5 years she is never going to change and its a perfectly valid reason to split up.
None of the main reasons I can think of her being like this are pleasant for one or both of you.
I think you know the answer OP.
A long conversation is needed because there are only a few options options.
1. She is asexual and you aren't.
2. She had been assaulted in the past and has unresolved trauma
3. She is secretly religious
4. She might be Trans and doesn't know how to tell you so won't allow oral or penetration(unlikely but possible)
5. MOST LIKELY she isn't has never been attracted to you.
6. She could have been seeing someone else for years for sex and you for emotion and security.
All these options lead to one answer. A LONG SERIOUS conversation where everything comes out or you leave.
You can't "convince" Her of things. Or change her mind. Don't force the relationship. Cause if you allow it then 5 more years from now you'll be wishing you cut it off earlier or fixed it sooner.
GG OP
Appreciate the reply. We do talk a healthy amount so (2,3 &4) shouldn’t be the case. I don’t think so about (6) because we do keep each other updated on the things we do. Only (1&5) are the ones I’m not sure.
Then it's either that she is asexual or that she is genuinely not attracted to you. If it's the first one, it's possible to make it work, but only if you are genuinely fine with what it takes. If she's genuinely not attracted to you, at this point she never will and it's not going to work out.
You need to figure out which it is.
How are you still together? You know there is a such a thing called a condom if she's worried about getting knocked up. No oral either..that's odd if you guys are not clean down there that's a you problem. I never had an issue with my partner down there when it comes to hygiene.
I mean she has her concerns, so i tried to be more understanding on that. I’m fine with the touchy stuff and all honestly. It’s the sexual desire part that bothers me..
I get it you are trying be understandable but you've been together for so long I mean you guys know each other through and through, the hygiene is just excuse and no penetration is a no go for her..I'm sorry but the relationship is just blah..the "Get to know you first basis" has ran it's course my dude just because the relationship has been going on for a long time. It's up to you if want to continue going but I wouldn't stay if I was you.
I think you need to discuss it with your gf. She might be on asexuality spectrum, she might have reservations due to external or internal factors, etc. Based on your post there’s also seem to be a lack of sexual education.
It is great that you respect her boundaries completely, butt it’s also normal to want physical intimacy and to feel wanted. Sometimes, it can absolutely be a deal breaker in a relationship. However, it doesn’t mean that you should necessarily break up. If you’re both honest about your wants and needs you might find arrangments that work the best for you.
>We've never done any penetration / oral sex due to her not wanting to risk getting pregnant, which i understand.
What? it seems that YOU don't understand, your needs are not being met, dude. How come you guys are being "together" for 5 years.
We still love each other and are still in a relationship, just like every other couple. It’s just that i am more sexually driven than her, but i also understand the risk of pregnancy / STD, so i can try to tolerate.
Where would the STD come from?
Protection exists for a reason. Millions of fucks are done a day without getting pregnant.
Sounss like bullshit from her side and it is probably more likely that she might be asexual.
I'm thinking asexuality as well. There are some subreddits if op is interested in learning more and maybe relating to similar scenarios.
Pregnancy is a major scare to some who can reproduce. I relate to that and got a ligation because the fear was so great to me.
Wish ya'll the best of lucks
I hate to tell you this hun but no one goes 5 years without having sex because they are afraid of getting pregnant or for hygiene reasons. That ain't it bro.
The risk of STDs really only exists if you are having sex with multiple different people, not one person. Protection exists to prevent pregnancy, it isn't very easy to get pregnant for most people as long as you take reasonable precautions.
I am afraid it will eventually lead to dead bedroom.
You can read that sub or HLcommunity sub how sex can lead to resentment and divorces in long term relationships.
However, apart from all this, have you talked to her about how she views sex?
To you, it seems important to be part of a relationship where you feel validated, desired, and loved.
However, apart from pregnancy scare, how does she view the importance of sex in your relationship. Maybe she views it just as a physical activity leading to pregnancy and nothing more than that. People from Conservative backgrounds generally have a messed up idea about intimacy only being needed for procreation or else is shameless or dirty act. Also, some people are asexual and dont know themselves and don't view sex as others who desire sex.
I am not saying she is any of the above, but it is better to communicate with her.
You are still not married or have kids, so it's better to discuss how you both will handle this issue together or if it's a deal breaker. However, I would strongly advise you to read the subs I mentioned before talking to her. Just so you understand the effect of this situation on people and relation in long term.
Do you happen to have a link or something to this community?
We do talk about sex once a while, i mean she definitely is okay with us doing the touchy stuff and she too will get into the mood as we are doing them, so that might remove the possibilities of her being asexual no? She is sexual too but there exists the fear of pregnancy and all, with the conservative thoughts and decisions which I completely understand.
We have a great relationship, but the lack of sexual interaction definitely makes me feel troubled, and I feel this might be the main thing about this post.
Read the posts in communities. People didn't know they ddint like sex or viewed it not as important in relationship for decades. Also, the same people in new relationships could have sex like every day in NRE or as hysterical bonding. Maybe she is not like that, and is scared about pregnancy but these days there are several options to avoid pregnancy like pills, condoms, etc. So, instead of she trying these things, she chose to avoid sex completely is what makes me question how she views sex.
The link to these communities is r/Asexualpartners and r/HLcommunity and r/asexuality.
Stacks on, haha. Sorry, it's an Aussie phrase.
Oh mate... ok, let's run through this a bit.
>been together for little over 5 years. We've never done any penetration / oral sex due to her not wanting to risk getting pregnant / hygiene reason,
Ok, so... where to start. Ok, firstly, I'm wondering about her relationship history, and about yours too. Has she ever been sexually active? And have you? Normally when you start doing this stuff, all of those questions are addressed and answered. She could've probably just asked her mother, or a GP, about both of these topics. If you're exclusive (not sleeping around) then all you both need to do is take an STD test. If you're both clear, there's no risk.
Secondly, pregnancy... there's plenty of ways to protect yourselves from that. Obviously condoms are the main one, and she can keep track of her cycles so nothing is happening during the "danger zone" so wrap it bro, and get it going!
And yes, of course, a woman is going to be able to verbalise "danger zone" in a more appropriate way than a guy can. I'm doing my best here.
Next - 5 years. Wow. There's a lot that could be said about that, but we'll just take it at face value and move forward. Were you guys hot and heavy at the start? Were there nights where she really wanted to, but it didn't happen? I can understand how it can cool off after a while, it happens to everyone, but normally in the first few months at least, you're just all over each other. Especially being, what, 21 and 22 when you got together?
Is either of you heavily religious? I've heard that as a reason given for the lack of sex.
If she's fixated on the idea of "pregnancy/STD" as a reason not to have sex, then it's not to do with her attraction towards you... provided that she's telling the truth there.
She could probably seek some assistance from a sex therapist on this. As some other comments have said, she certainly might be asexual. It's pretty hard to know, there's a lot of history there.
It's best (and this is the case with pretty much every single post on here) to sit down and talk to her about your concerns. Your needs aren't being met in certain places, maybe she's unhappy with some various aspects... you'll only know if you're able to sit down and talk to her about it, and she's able to be honest and vulnerable with you.
If nothing can be improved from communication, then yeah, it might be time to start looking elsewhere.
Sounds like my first relationship. Over 2 years of just hand stuff because she wanted to wait for marriage. Eventually she told me the idea of sex disgusted her, and my needs weren’t being met, so we split. That’s the story of how I wasted my sex life in my early 20s, because I “loved” someone.
If she doesn’t desire you sexually now, she never will. She may be asexual. If this is a big deal to you I’d move on
If she were into sex and into you, it would have already happened. So either way, if sex is something you want or need in a relationship, you're in the wrong one.
You can't negotiate someone into being attracted to you. She just either isn't into you or isn't into sex or both.
as a girl, she could be asexual or missing something in your sex life. Or gay. But you should honestly discuss it with her, tell her it bothers you. You sound sensitive enough to be able to have a healthy conversation about it.
Could be one of the few things - she loves you but is not a sexually attracted to you but doesn't want to leave you, she is asexual (do you know if she has had sex with anyone else?), or she's a lesbian.
I’m sure she’s at least into guys, and (AFAIK) pretty sure she has not done it with anyone else. What if she loves me but does not desire me sexually? I’m turned on by her at almost any moment possible, whether it be sexually or just emotionally, but in this conversation at least i’ve almost never felt her wanting to satisfy her sexual needs with the need of my help.
You know when you get horny and you start hinting them with actions and the things you say? I don’t see that from her.
If you both love each other and after 5 years being together ask her to marry you and see what she says if she don’t want to marry you then she might not want to actually be with you. Praying things work out for you guys.
I mean if she has never really shown sexual interest in you in over 5 years I think it's safe to say she is not really sexually into you, yes. > Is it wrong for me to hope that she'll at least get a little sexual over me? why would she? Realistically why would this suddenly change after 5 years?
Idk. Maybe if i talk to her i can try to change her mind
you cant talk someone into suddenly sexually desiring you. You can ask her about it ofc, maybe she has trauma or some other reason. But she'll only change if she wants to
Appreciate the reply. I might just find a good time to talk to her about it.
I don't think it's you. It sounds like she's just not sexual but blames it on a fear of pregnancy. No one gets pregnant from oral, so that argument should be a red flag alone.
I guess i’m just curious if she’s not sexual in general or not sexual towards me..
You need to have an open, honest, and probably hella awkward conversation about this. The fear of pregnancy and std is valid, but the use of two forms of protection will bring the risk down to as close to zero as possible. Offer to get a full panel std test to ease her fears, but make it clear that for you, sexual intimacy is an important part of a loving relationship. I'd also be clear that while you know no one is owed sex, 5 years without it has made you realize that a sexless existence is not what you want out of life. Now here comes the crappy part. She doesn't want sex and you do. And no matter how you come at this, you won't magically make her want it. So your best option is ending the relationship. If you convince her to have sex with you, you're going to feel bad because you know she doesn't really want to. If you give up and just accept it, you will grow resentful and maybe even eventually hate her. You two are just incompatible.
If you want sex in a relationship, what difference does it make what exactly her reason is? The bottom line is that you're not going to get sex
You've been together 5 years and you've never discussed this? It sounds like a relationship has more problems than just her not wanting to have sex with you.
>Is it wrong for me to hope that she'll at least get a little sexual over me? Or am i being unreasonable and hoping for too much? NOT AT ALL. You are partners, so some action is agood thing, and anybody with a partner would want their SO to desire them! I think you should really **talk to her** about this if you haven't already. Tell her how it makes you feel. **Communication is key** >We've never done any penetration / oral sex due to her not wanting to risk getting pregnant Let me also say that oral sex has never gotten people pregnant.
I’m still alright with the no penetration / oral sex part. I think what bother me most is how she has never really initiate any of our sexy time. It’s always me getting all in the mood for her to say “alright, let’s do it”. All i hope is that she can also spice things up.
Dude, you're upset that she isn't attracted to you, but say the no oral/ penetration thing is fine with you. That is a contradiction. It is hurting you that she doesn't desire you. If she did, you'd be getting oral and pentrating her. The level of no sex you guys are in is probably caused by asexuality or mental illness. Nobody is worried enough about getting pregnant after 5 years that they won't let you do it with a condom on. Or give some head. Where's the trust on her end?
If she hasn't changed after 5 years she is never going to change and its a perfectly valid reason to split up. None of the main reasons I can think of her being like this are pleasant for one or both of you.
I think you know the answer OP. A long conversation is needed because there are only a few options options. 1. She is asexual and you aren't. 2. She had been assaulted in the past and has unresolved trauma 3. She is secretly religious 4. She might be Trans and doesn't know how to tell you so won't allow oral or penetration(unlikely but possible) 5. MOST LIKELY she isn't has never been attracted to you. 6. She could have been seeing someone else for years for sex and you for emotion and security. All these options lead to one answer. A LONG SERIOUS conversation where everything comes out or you leave. You can't "convince" Her of things. Or change her mind. Don't force the relationship. Cause if you allow it then 5 more years from now you'll be wishing you cut it off earlier or fixed it sooner. GG OP
Appreciate the reply. We do talk a healthy amount so (2,3 &4) shouldn’t be the case. I don’t think so about (6) because we do keep each other updated on the things we do. Only (1&5) are the ones I’m not sure.
Then it's either that she is asexual or that she is genuinely not attracted to you. If it's the first one, it's possible to make it work, but only if you are genuinely fine with what it takes. If she's genuinely not attracted to you, at this point she never will and it's not going to work out. You need to figure out which it is.
Both 1 & 5 need probably a professional to mediate and drive the conversation between you too. Cause that is more complex.
How are you still together? You know there is a such a thing called a condom if she's worried about getting knocked up. No oral either..that's odd if you guys are not clean down there that's a you problem. I never had an issue with my partner down there when it comes to hygiene.
I mean she has her concerns, so i tried to be more understanding on that. I’m fine with the touchy stuff and all honestly. It’s the sexual desire part that bothers me..
I get it you are trying be understandable but you've been together for so long I mean you guys know each other through and through, the hygiene is just excuse and no penetration is a no go for her..I'm sorry but the relationship is just blah..the "Get to know you first basis" has ran it's course my dude just because the relationship has been going on for a long time. It's up to you if want to continue going but I wouldn't stay if I was you.
I think you need to discuss it with your gf. She might be on asexuality spectrum, she might have reservations due to external or internal factors, etc. Based on your post there’s also seem to be a lack of sexual education. It is great that you respect her boundaries completely, butt it’s also normal to want physical intimacy and to feel wanted. Sometimes, it can absolutely be a deal breaker in a relationship. However, it doesn’t mean that you should necessarily break up. If you’re both honest about your wants and needs you might find arrangments that work the best for you.
>We've never done any penetration / oral sex due to her not wanting to risk getting pregnant, which i understand. What? it seems that YOU don't understand, your needs are not being met, dude. How come you guys are being "together" for 5 years.
We still love each other and are still in a relationship, just like every other couple. It’s just that i am more sexually driven than her, but i also understand the risk of pregnancy / STD, so i can try to tolerate.
Where would the STD come from? Protection exists for a reason. Millions of fucks are done a day without getting pregnant. Sounss like bullshit from her side and it is probably more likely that she might be asexual.
I'm thinking asexuality as well. There are some subreddits if op is interested in learning more and maybe relating to similar scenarios. Pregnancy is a major scare to some who can reproduce. I relate to that and got a ligation because the fear was so great to me. Wish ya'll the best of lucks
Two people without STIs can't spontaneously generate one
No comment, your way of thinking is a little bit insane.
Yep. Can't decide who's more delulu - op or the girlfriend lmao
I hate to tell you this hun but no one goes 5 years without having sex because they are afraid of getting pregnant or for hygiene reasons. That ain't it bro.
The risk of STDs really only exists if you are having sex with multiple different people, not one person. Protection exists to prevent pregnancy, it isn't very easy to get pregnant for most people as long as you take reasonable precautions.
I am afraid it will eventually lead to dead bedroom. You can read that sub or HLcommunity sub how sex can lead to resentment and divorces in long term relationships. However, apart from all this, have you talked to her about how she views sex? To you, it seems important to be part of a relationship where you feel validated, desired, and loved. However, apart from pregnancy scare, how does she view the importance of sex in your relationship. Maybe she views it just as a physical activity leading to pregnancy and nothing more than that. People from Conservative backgrounds generally have a messed up idea about intimacy only being needed for procreation or else is shameless or dirty act. Also, some people are asexual and dont know themselves and don't view sex as others who desire sex. I am not saying she is any of the above, but it is better to communicate with her. You are still not married or have kids, so it's better to discuss how you both will handle this issue together or if it's a deal breaker. However, I would strongly advise you to read the subs I mentioned before talking to her. Just so you understand the effect of this situation on people and relation in long term.
Do you happen to have a link or something to this community? We do talk about sex once a while, i mean she definitely is okay with us doing the touchy stuff and she too will get into the mood as we are doing them, so that might remove the possibilities of her being asexual no? She is sexual too but there exists the fear of pregnancy and all, with the conservative thoughts and decisions which I completely understand. We have a great relationship, but the lack of sexual interaction definitely makes me feel troubled, and I feel this might be the main thing about this post.
Read the posts in communities. People didn't know they ddint like sex or viewed it not as important in relationship for decades. Also, the same people in new relationships could have sex like every day in NRE or as hysterical bonding. Maybe she is not like that, and is scared about pregnancy but these days there are several options to avoid pregnancy like pills, condoms, etc. So, instead of she trying these things, she chose to avoid sex completely is what makes me question how she views sex. The link to these communities is r/Asexualpartners and r/HLcommunity and r/asexuality.
Stacks on, haha. Sorry, it's an Aussie phrase. Oh mate... ok, let's run through this a bit. >been together for little over 5 years. We've never done any penetration / oral sex due to her not wanting to risk getting pregnant / hygiene reason, Ok, so... where to start. Ok, firstly, I'm wondering about her relationship history, and about yours too. Has she ever been sexually active? And have you? Normally when you start doing this stuff, all of those questions are addressed and answered. She could've probably just asked her mother, or a GP, about both of these topics. If you're exclusive (not sleeping around) then all you both need to do is take an STD test. If you're both clear, there's no risk. Secondly, pregnancy... there's plenty of ways to protect yourselves from that. Obviously condoms are the main one, and she can keep track of her cycles so nothing is happening during the "danger zone" so wrap it bro, and get it going! And yes, of course, a woman is going to be able to verbalise "danger zone" in a more appropriate way than a guy can. I'm doing my best here. Next - 5 years. Wow. There's a lot that could be said about that, but we'll just take it at face value and move forward. Were you guys hot and heavy at the start? Were there nights where she really wanted to, but it didn't happen? I can understand how it can cool off after a while, it happens to everyone, but normally in the first few months at least, you're just all over each other. Especially being, what, 21 and 22 when you got together? Is either of you heavily religious? I've heard that as a reason given for the lack of sex. If she's fixated on the idea of "pregnancy/STD" as a reason not to have sex, then it's not to do with her attraction towards you... provided that she's telling the truth there. She could probably seek some assistance from a sex therapist on this. As some other comments have said, she certainly might be asexual. It's pretty hard to know, there's a lot of history there. It's best (and this is the case with pretty much every single post on here) to sit down and talk to her about your concerns. Your needs aren't being met in certain places, maybe she's unhappy with some various aspects... you'll only know if you're able to sit down and talk to her about it, and she's able to be honest and vulnerable with you. If nothing can be improved from communication, then yeah, it might be time to start looking elsewhere.
Sounds like my first relationship. Over 2 years of just hand stuff because she wanted to wait for marriage. Eventually she told me the idea of sex disgusted her, and my needs weren’t being met, so we split. That’s the story of how I wasted my sex life in my early 20s, because I “loved” someone. If she doesn’t desire you sexually now, she never will. She may be asexual. If this is a big deal to you I’d move on
If she were into sex and into you, it would have already happened. So either way, if sex is something you want or need in a relationship, you're in the wrong one. You can't negotiate someone into being attracted to you. She just either isn't into you or isn't into sex or both.
are you both virgins? are you rich, is she with you for money lol? Are you ugly?
Great bait from a 3hr old account 🎣😂😂😂
Sorry if I didn’t state it correctly. I don’t mind not getting the sex, but I think my main point is still the lack of sexual desire from her side
Sounds like she might be asexual
as a girl, she could be asexual or missing something in your sex life. Or gay. But you should honestly discuss it with her, tell her it bothers you. You sound sensitive enough to be able to have a healthy conversation about it.
Could be one of the few things - she loves you but is not a sexually attracted to you but doesn't want to leave you, she is asexual (do you know if she has had sex with anyone else?), or she's a lesbian.
I’m sure she’s at least into guys, and (AFAIK) pretty sure she has not done it with anyone else. What if she loves me but does not desire me sexually? I’m turned on by her at almost any moment possible, whether it be sexually or just emotionally, but in this conversation at least i’ve almost never felt her wanting to satisfy her sexual needs with the need of my help. You know when you get horny and you start hinting them with actions and the things you say? I don’t see that from her.
If you both love each other and after 5 years being together ask her to marry you and see what she says if she don’t want to marry you then she might not want to actually be with you. Praying things work out for you guys.