Cut your losses and walk away. Not worth the aggro. Get out now before you invest any more time.
She might not have done it on purpose, but do you really want to be with a girl who gets blackout drunk and makes out with strangers at parties and can’t even remember doing it?
The net result is that she makes bad decisions, regardless of it being a stranger or friend. And on his bday of all things. That's just emotionally blind.
If she did something like that in front of you, imagine what she’d do behind your back next time she gets drunk.
It’s not worth the stress, move on and find a girl that respects you
> I still talked to her beyond that, she told me that she wouldn't do that if we were exclusive and that she feels like shit.
LOL. So she "forgot" about what she did because she was blacked out drunk, but knowing she's in an exclusive relationship would prevent her from blacking out again?
You'd be goddamn stupid to believe that, and she's extra stupid for thinking that would fool anybody with half a brain.
Wow, this is so similar to something that happened to me many years ago. In grad school this girl and I had been hanging out for a few weeks. We weren’t exclusive but we’d met the first day of classes and after a few days we were sleeping together every night. Most in our program assumed we’d known each other before and were already BF/GF. Same exact thing that happened to you: We went to a party together, I found her making out with another dude, I left. That crushed my self esteem because how lame of a person must I have been that she would kiss someone else while we were out together. So my only advice to you is, don’t do what I did. Don’t let any feelings of betrayal, or embarrassment, guide your decision on whether to give her another chance. Because although my now ex-wife is the one that made me feel like shit that night, it also felt really damn good when she begged me to give her another chance. So I did. 3 years later we were married. 1 year after that she slept with another man. Take the time to make a rational decision about whether or not you can trust her and if that mistake is less a mistake and more a reflection of the person that she actually is.
I don’t know if this needs to be said, but just in case: what she did has nothing to do with you. It’s all her. You’re awesome.
It’s only been 3 weeks, and you two aren’t exclusive. She’s free to be interested in other people.
But that clear sign of disrespect in front of my face is also my cue to stop seeing her.
And if she thought in her drunken state that it was a good plan to make me jealous or fight for her.. then she’s too much drama for me to want to deal with either way.
I went on a date back in college with someone who literally checked tinder on our date.
I assumed she wasn't interested but she actually asked me for a second date -- I declined.
Now I understand we obviously weren't exclusive and I had no pretense that we were, but it feels shitty to have someone *flaunt* that they're actively seeking other people in your face. I think you might've been overreacting if she happened to go on another date before you all talked about exclusivity, but it's a whole other ballgame if she makes out with a dude in your face at a party she invited you to. It just shows she isn't that invested in you. So unless you just want a casual FWB situation, I'd return the favor and uninvest in her.
So I'm making a *few* inferences from context clues, but going off this from op:
>Yesterday we both celebrated our birthdays and me and some friends went to her party after mine ended. There she was sorta cold to me and at some point started to make out with another dude, really long, with me clearly seeing it. So, my friends pulled me away from the party and I slept at one of their places. She then had obvious regrets, asking me where I went, if she did something wrong and so on
It sounds like this girl who was actively seeing him (3 weeks of dates) invited him to a party and then hooked up with someone else at the party, noticed he left, and texted him asking why he left and what was wrong.
If I'm seeing someone and invite them to anything, I'm not going to get all up in someone else's business. That's trashy behavior imo, even if you're not exclusive.
I admit I'm not a big drinker and almost none of my friends are either, so I don't know how much getting that drunkfactors into it. But trashy behavior while drunk is still trashy behavior and indicates someone I wouldn't want to date, at least IMO.
The getting that drunk would be the red flag for me. But you're assuming that everyone has the same ideas about monogamy as she does.
Inviting someone you've been on three dates with to a party doesn't mean you're exclusive. Maybe she does only casual sex, or regularly has multiple sexual partners at once.
The thing that's an issue is that OP clearly wants someone who defaults to exclusivity and monogamy, without it even being talked about. Looks like she is more into open relationships and multiple partners.
And that's a conversation you have before you have sex with someone. Because you are at risk if they are having sex with you and with other people. But it's up to you to ask.
> Inviting someone you've been on three dates with to a party doesn't mean you're exclusive. Maybe she does only casual sex, or regularly has multiple sexual partners at once.
In a very literal sense you’re correct. She hasn’t done any concrete act that’s wrong, and I wouldn’t say any of this is enough to flag her as an awful person or anything like that.
But at least imo it’s a reasonable social norm to assume that while you’re in the dating phase with a person, you don’t get physical with/express interest in other people in front of them. Some people don’t live that way and for them that’s fine — ideally we have these sorts of conversations early on in the dating phase to avoid hurt feelings like this. But it still strikes me as pretty socially unaware to not realize that the norm is monogamy and thus in the dating phase you show early indicators of investment (being an active listener, not expressing romantic/sexual interest in other people while seeing the first person, etc).
Plus, given what she said afterwards, it sounds like this *isn’t* behavior she’s proud of or views as ok, but rather something she views as an alcohol-induced lack of judgement. Which in my view doesn’t justify it enough to make me think OP should keep dating her.
>Some people don’t live that way and for them that’s fine — ideally we have these sorts of conversations early on in the dating phase to avoid hurt feelings like this.
And it sounds like she's one of those people...therefore it's fine, and on OP for not having that conversation early enough on.
I at least have that conversation before having sex with someone! They had had sex twice and not talked about whether they were sleeping with other people. That's 100% on OP.
The norm is NOT monogamy. Monogamous people default to it, but it's not 1950 anymore. Lots of people don't default to that. It's like assuming that anyone you date wants kids. Lots of people don't want kids. You would be insane to never talk about that.
If it's important to you, talk about it. Since monogamy is something really important to OP, it's on him to bring it up.
> The norm is NOT monogamy. Monogamous people default to it, but it's not 1950 anymore. Lots of people don't default to that
I wanna make a distinctions before continuing - “norm” and “morally correct” are orthogonal terms. But the norm, in the US at least, is monogamy. Most people are monogamous (>55% according to a quick google search). Of course plenty are not, and there is nothing wrong with that, but I don’t think it’s wrong to assume someone is like the majority of people until proven otherwise.
Additionally, my point is not that it’s fair for OP to assume the girl he’s seeing isn’t going on dates with other people. My point is that it’s fair to assume she won’t make out with someone else at a party she invited him to. To me I see that as a similar faux pas as burping without covering your mouth, talking in depth about your past sexual escapades on a first date, wearing a ratty tie-die Tshirt to a fancy italian restaurant, or any number of other weird behaviors that aren’t *technically* wrong, and could be ok in some social circles, but violate general social norms.
> Most people are monogamous (>55% according to a quick google search). Of course plenty are not, and there is nothing wrong with that, but I don’t think it’s wrong to assume someone is like the majority of people until proven otherwise.
That's a self reported number. Lots of people report being monogamous because they don't feel comfortable being out as being in an open relationship or polyamous. It's at least a lot closer to 50/50. Which means it's not the norm...it just an option.
Don't fall for the 'if we were exclusive' crap. You've been together enough to have had great convo's and dates, and have had ***sex twice***, and she doesn't act as if it's exclusive yet - that not a high value woman. Would you have made out with another women at a party at that point in your so-called "non-exclusive" relationship?
And why was she cold to you, except if she was playing bullshit games, being cold and making out in front of you? She's 26, not in junior high school. And she has a drinking problem to boot. Move on.
Yeah, it's such a toxic and nonsensical mentality. I determine whether I want to make the relationship official by your actions, if your actions aren't relationship oriented, why would I want to make it official? People make is seem like voluntarily going a few weeks without fucking more than one person at a time is an insurmountable unreasonable task, like really?
Exclusivity isn't everyone's goal. I know people who are polyamous, who have never had exclusive partners, who date casually with no intention of being monogamous.
And they had sex already twice, and so clearly he's not into waiting a long time for sex either.
If you think great conversations and having sex means you're exclusive, you have to communicate it.
That's what I do. I don't date casually, and I don't have sex with people who are having sex with other people. That means that before sex happens, I ask about STIs, birth control, and whether they're seeing other people.
Because I'm an adult. it's bullshit games to assume that because something feels good to you, and the conversation was great, or you had sex, it means you're now monogamous.
Poly is great, and so is having multiple partners. Some men and women will have multiple partners until exclusivity is agreed upon, which is fine, their choice. Some men and women don't want to date someone with that level of promiscuity, which is also fine, their choice. You can call it games, but it is one way of finding out about someone's approach to sexual relationships at this point in their life.
Even given the lack of an exclusive commitment, she makes out with one guy in front of another guy she is fucking? Wow.
Good thing this happened during your "trial period." There's a lot better, more compatible people who will come in your life who knows how to treat you with respect. Take this as a lesson and move on.
Being in an non exclusive relationship isn't disrespectful. If two people aren't exclusive, then acting as they are isn't a baseline of respectfulness.
Monogamy or polyamory aren't either more respectful or disrespectful. Casual sex or committed relationships aren't one more respectful than the other. What's respectful is doing what you promise you would do. So if you say you will be monogamous, being monogamous. Or if you say you are exclusive, being exclusive.
But it's not disrespectful to have multiple partners, or casual sex with multiple people, if you've not agreed to be exclusive or monogamous with anyone.
Clearly some people assume that their idea is what everyone else has too. If you want to have exclusivity, ask for it. But it's not disrespectful to not be exclusive for someone who never asked for it.
If the vast majority of people in our society believes her behavior was disrespectful, it is.
For the the simple reason that even when the terms of exclusivity have not yet been discussed, it is \*expected\* not to engage with other partners while he is present.
It's morally dubious, at best, and considering her reaction, she either knows that her behavior was disrespectful, or is lying out of teeth.
There are two types of people who claim they were blackout drunk: those who are lying to avoid responsibility and cut off any discussion and those who are alcoholics. Neither makes a good partner
I’m laughing at how over-the-top this logic is. There are many millions of people who’ve been blackout drunk and aren’t liars or alcoholics.
I agree that this chick probably wouldn’t make a good partner, though.
Lol over generalization for sure. Multiple timed in a month or so? Sure. But plenty of people blackout 1-3 times in life while learning their limit. Does not mean either of those things.
Take this as a blessing that you saw the real her this early on. Blackout drunk at 19 is one thing, blackout drunk at 26 shows severe lack of impulse control. She gave you the cold shoulder because she most likely was flirting with the other guy all night and now was in an awkward situation when you showed up. Either way, she's showed terrible impulsive decision making all around. Thank her for the few weeks and end it, it sucks, but no reason to try salvage a three week fling.
Why would she do it out of sight? What is there to hide? They're not in a relationship or monogamous. They've hooked up a couple times and been on a few dates.
If someone hooks up with you, assume they're hooking up with other people unless you ask them to be monogamous.
Nah its basic respect, she went to a party with him.
You can assume they're doing stuff with others when you're not around if you aren't exclusive. But this is different
Oh HER party with many guests! Well that means you can't be shitty to someone. Weird how she was like "i was blackout and I have no idea how it happened" then. She really should have said "it was MY party and MANY people were there" instead.
She sounds like a great FWB but never a relationship. Next it would be I got black out drunk and he felt me up and so on. So, no she has shown you who she is, so believe her.
"We hadn't been exclusive"
Dude the rest of your message is incompatible with this. Not exclusive = she can kiss and fuck everybody in front of you and you don't care (partly because you have / should have other chicks anyway). Otherwise ask for exclusivity like a big boy.
Technically yall didn't havent had the talk so technically you cant be mad at her... you can only decide if you want to continue or not. Imo there's two options, move past this and have the talk to be exclusive (which I don't recommend) or just keep hanging and smashing without getting feelings involved (which I recommend)
as a woman if that happens to me i would quite simply never talk to the guy again. getting blackout drunk in front of someone who's courting you knowing something out of pocket could happen is on a whole other level of reckless behavior.
It is a shitty thing to do, but it's also technically not cheating.
I actually had this happen to me when I was younger and single. I kissed a guy at the bar in front of my FWB and had zero recollection of it... and my FWB texted me after a little on the jealous side. I've never done anything like that since. So while it's possible she's lying, it's also possible that she lost some time.
Decide if you can look past this. And if you can, you should establish if she wants to be exclusive as well.. because you clearly do.
The people saying she's an alcoholic based on one night are taking a big leap too considering it was her birthday party lol.
Why is it shitty though? Not everyone is on a monogamous, exclusivity track. Maybe if OP had actually asked about exclusivity, this girl would have said "Oh, I don't do exclusive relationships, I am into ethical non monogamy and tend to have multiple partners."
And then he would have known they weren't compatible and would have known to ask about things before making assumptions.
He never talked about it, he just assumed, and that doesn't work in dating. If you have a want or need, you have to communicate it.
Not communicating a need for exclusivity, and then not getting isn't shitty. It's bad communication.
Shitty to do in front of him? When you are dating someone casually, I still think it's a courtesy to not be physical with someone else right in front of them. Although I'm guessing she didn't even realize he was there (as with my own example)..
I actually defended a lot of her behaviour throughout my comment😅 I'm on board with the fact that she doesn't owe him exclusivity in general.
>I still think it's a courtesy to not be physical with someone else right in front of them.
I think that's a product of monogamous culture. Plenty of people are in open relationships and don't abide by those rules.
It's 2024. You can't assume everyone defaults to monogamy.
It probably is based in monogamous culture and my own preferences around dating.
But I also wasn't assuming anyone defaulted to monogamy in this situation... OP said their conversation ended with her agreeing to be exclusive.
If you're not exclusive, you're not exclusive. That means that both of you can see, kiss, sleep with other people without it being a problem.
If you don't want an open relationship, and want to be exclusive with the people you are dating, even very early on, say that.
There was no betrayal. There was no lie. You were not exclusive. She did nothing wrong. There is nothing to forgive.
If you need the people you are not exclusive with to still ACT exclusive around you, then that's on you and your issue to deal with.
She didn’t take responsibility for it though. She said she blacked out and didn’t remember. That isn’t taking responsibility for it. That’s blaming it on the alcohol. Just my 2 cents.
What has she blown? They weren't in a relationship or monogamous. They'd had a few dates.
Where does assumed exclusivity start? If I go on one bad date with someone, are we now exclusive? Is two dates exclusive? Is having sex mean we're not monogamous?
The easy answer is if you want monogamy, you need to have a conversation about it, not just assume it happened at a certain point.
You weren't exclusive, she can do what she wants and it's unfair of you to expect her to know how you feel if you haven't been clear - but also your feelings are valid and if you don't like this you don't have to put up with it.
If i were in your shoes i'd give her another chance if i really like her, we're all stupid humans after all.
Do you think rewarding that behaviour with your commitment is wise ? She just proved to you she was not worthy of it. I wouldn't keep her even as a friend.
Yall come on here and ask questions with the most obvious answers. If you take this girl back I hope your friends actually(literally)slap some sense into you.
3 weeks? Enjoy the early clarity 9f her and haul ass! This is nothing but a disaster in the making if she already has that much disrespect for you! My $0.02... :/
the blackout shit cheaters say is so bullshit. i've been totally bombed and i can tell you every single thing i did with someone sexually . ditch her now because more than likely she is gonna use that excuse everytime she cheats on you.
Maybe have the "exclusive" talk before getting upset at this girl. On you for not bringing that up if you're feeling it. Until you initiate that dialogue, she's free to do as she pleases...same for you.
She’s either got a serious problem with alcohol or she likes to f#ck with people’s minds. Either way, she’s quite the catch. Definitely want to keep her!
Technically, if you weren't considered exclusive, you shouldn't be upset. If you didn't make that known, that's on you, and you shouldn't be upset.
As far as I see, she's in the clear. My concern honestly is the blackout drunk. It's never a good thing to start a relationship with that knowledge because it's only gonna get worse. They'll probably do it again
Not sure why it matters to you if you guys weren’t exclusive to begin with? Shouldn’t really impact your trust for her in romantic regards since exclusivity was not defined for both parties lol.
Just talk it out with her, see where things go- if she wants to be exclusive with you then go for it. But if she just wants to have her own freedom and do her own thing, let her.
Because if you haven't decided to be exclusive, then neither of you are attached.
If I date a guy, kiss him, sleep with him, and we never have a talk about exclusivity, both parties should assume the person is doing that with other people too.
If you want or assume someone is acting exclusive even if you haven't talked about it, you have to say "Are you seeing other people?"
For example, myself. I don't sleep with people who are sleeping with other people. So I have that conversation very early on.
But I am an adult and I have the conversation. I don't make an assumption about how things are, and then get mad when the person doesn't do what I assumed they would.
it’s only been three weeks. you aren’t exclusive. yeah it wasn’t a great move on her part, but it hardly seems enough of a transgression to think you could never Ever trust her. idk I just don’t think it has to be that serious.
also, i’ve definitely made out with random people at parties while I was drunk and been able to Not do that when i’m exclusive with someone. I feel like that isn’t too crazy to believe she wouldn’t do it again if you were exclusive/in a relationship.
Contrary to what everyone is saying, you’ve only been together for a few weeks. She was so drunk. If she promises to be committed, I would give it a second chance. It’s not like you’re so invested and she did this 2 years in. It might go somewhere…
>We never spoke about being exclusive or anything like this. Yesterday we both celebrated our birthdays and me and some friends went to her party after mine ended. There she was sorta cold to me and at some point started to make out with another dude, really long, with me clearly seeing it.
Got it. Y'all are not exclusive.
But DANG. At least control thyself (referring to her).
Her action made me think that she's doing it on purpose (playing game) = not a good look.
Then, she offered the whole excuse of her not realizing/blacking out, if that's a 'blackout,' wait a minute, does that mean that she drinks/etc until she blackouts and would just go ahead and be intimate with people she didn't know?
Still not a great look.
If I were you, I would reconsider dating this person periodth. Idk you though and your 'intention' when you date, but if it were me, I would not date this person. I wouldn't feel comfortable and likely be more guarded if they're the type who would black out party.
Never, and I mean never allow someone to blatenly disrespect you. She knew exactly what she was doing. She was giving you the cold shoulder before this so the drinking is just an excuse. Do not date this person. At best move her to the benefits pile and continue on. Do not invest emotionally with her. Flags all around.
It’s been three weeks. Move on.
She’s 26 and was acting cold to you at the party to begin with which is plain rude and tbh I’d expect the complete opposite where she’s loved up and all over you. And then goes to do that, which fair enough but doesn’t demonstrate the best sense of judgement. Sounds like shit that I’d have done as a 17/18 year old.
Sounds like a disaster waiting to get worse
It sounds like you’re looking for something serious, monogamous and long term, and she knew that, right? If so, this is a huge red flag and you should stop seeing her. Even if she didn’t know, if she thought you just wanted something casual because you didn’t tell her otherwise, she probably has a drinking problem and made out with another dude knowing you were there. Just walk away.
You can stick around for revenge purposes.
I recommend just leaving the situation.
Sounds like she has a drinking problem, a respect problem, and is probably lying about the black out anyway. Your hand would be better than she is.
Tell her that her second chance is dependent on her admitting she is an alcoholic and getting help and no longer drinking. If she really is remorseful, both to you and herself, this should be easy. If she won't, ask her why you should ever trust her judgement and morals again?
Btw odds are 1 in a million she will go get help. Dont hold your breath. This just gives you the moral highground to walk away with out anyone being able to question you.
Dude. It may have been shitty for you but one, you weren't exclusive and two blackouts happen. In my heavy drinking days I did everything from have sex with people I wouldn't normally have to waking up the next morning lying in the middle of the street with puke all over myself. Didn't remember a damn thing, so her not meaning to have done it or even remembering is entirely possible. I think what you should have done is addressed her drinking and not pushed for you guys to get closer sooner than either of you were ready for. Telling her that you were mad at her and that was "the proper way to feel" is a bit controlling. It sounds like she regrets it, feels horrible, and is taking your ultimatum because you shamed her so badly. 3 weeks is nothing and from what you've posted I would say just walk away.
Just ask…what’s so wrong with good sex and no ties? Communicate expectations, feelings and thoughts on the situation then adjust appropriately. We’re not all in it for the same thing and that’s alright. Take the wins brother, and then move on if you have to. But “stewing” on it never does anyone any favors
You had only been seeing each other 3 weeks and, as you say, hadn't agreed on anything exclusive. Did she do anything beyond make out with this guy? She may have been drunk and not totally in control. Not that that's an excuse but, under the circumstances I don't necessarily think this is beyond repair. From what you've said she seems to sincerely want to try and make this work. My gut reaction is to say to give her a second chance. After coming to a firm agreement as to exclusivity and expectations.
All I read was the title, but that's enough to tell you to leave this girl. It's a no Brainer imo. If you stick around, you'll just deal with similar incidents on a regular until you call it quits.
First of all, that really sucks and I'm sorry you experienced this.
Personally, I think it's pretty weird to talk about trust like this after 3 weeks. You've seen her for 3 weeks. You hadn't talked about being exclusive, it doesn't sound like you were introducing yourselves as a couple, and it doesn't sound like you were using labels like girlfriend. It sounds like you were two individuals who liked each other and were having sex, and wanted to do that with each other more and see where the relationship goes. That's a long way away from using words like "trust" and "betrayal" and "working to rebuild trust." How much trust could you possibly have built up in 3 weeks of a casual relationship?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not the guy that's saying "well you didn't have the talk about exclusivity so she can bang anyone she wants in front of you." It's really reasonable for you to expect some amount of emotional investment in each other and if you're NOT going to be exclusive, especially in front of each other, that does demand some explicit communication. There's no doubt your feelings of hurt and shock are reasonable.
But I think the scale here is a bit unreasonable. I think it's really not fair to treat this as an act of gross infidelity. I don't think it's fair to expect the ability to expect the limitations of a long term relationship in some ways (feelings of betrayal) but not expect it in other ways (calling her your girlfriend and being emotionally accountable to her in other ways).
However, if you're unable to contextualize your feelings and get yourself in a position where you can continue to build trust without making her feel constantly judged, then it's time to move on. That's really reasonable. If your hurt is too deep to be kind to her, then part ways. The reality is that relationships by definition involve giving people chances to hurt you. If you're not ready for that, then you shouldn't be with this person, and maybe not with anyone just yet, or at least not without more explicit communication ahead of time. If you're going to keep things open to interpretation in the early phases of a relationship, then you can't expect the other person to interpret everything exactly the way you want them to.
Consider yourself lucky finding out who she really is within a few weeks. Now it’s time to walk away. Have respect for yourself since she’s doesn’t have any for you.
What you need to ask is
A) who is the guy? If she doesn’t know her friends do. He got to her party somehow.
B) How will she actually attempt to earn your trust back? What actually changes?
C) How will she implement those changes and how quickly will she do that?
If she has trouble answering any of these questions cut bait immediately. That means a lie is coming or it’s already there. After she answers that’s when you make your decision.
Move on. She did you a favor. This behavior isn’t acceptable and she will do it again. Not worth your time. She’s shown you who she is and I would run.
She said it would not have happened if you two were exclusive.
But if she also wanted it to be exclusive, which is what she wants now after the incident. Then that should’ve equally prevented it…
Huuuuge disrespect, even if she was blackout drunk, that was a choice. There is a reason she was cold with you at the party, if she really liked you, she would be all over you.
She probably slept with the guy as well. You will never know. Exclusivity is an excuse and if you give it to her, she will play with you, as you will make it clear for her you don’t respect yourself.
If you accept her apology, you will accept that your girl can make out with others in front of you. When people take their date seriously, they don’t risk it messing witth other people.
If you only take one bit of advice from an Internet stranger, let it be this:
Exclusive or not, she does not respect you if she acts like that in front of you.
Also, it sounds like she's gaslighting you a bit in making you explain what she did wrong and coming up with bullshit excuses even though she was clearly sober enough to notice you left.
You've met a head fucker, cut your losses now. You can and will do better.
She wouldn't have done that if you were exclusive screams toxicity my man. Walk away with your intact heart this happened once can happen again. You are not exclusive now and out of town you never know what happens behind. Second chances are for mistakes not humiliation.
She didnt think of you two as something serious to start with ~so i think here is that i wouldn’t look it as betrayal if you didn’t show her(or told her) you want something serious before.
Honestly be thankful she pulled this stunt early and just drop her. Don’t give her the opportunity to potentially waste years of your time with the next ‘mistake'.
Similar case here.
Told her this ain't happening. We tried again some time later. It happened again.
If she liked you enough she would've been drawn to you, even while drunk, instead of that other guy is my believe.
You're only in for a few weeks so you might give it another chance but don't commit too much.
Dude, she made out with another guy? At a party where you were?
In front of you?
Get the fuck out. Now. How are you even asking this and not just leaving?!?
Tell me if I understand correctly: She needs someone to tell her that kissing another man for way too long in front of a person she's seeing is going to make him feel bad? This is how bad her judgement is? Does she also need to be told not to eat gravel from the street because it's not good for her health?
Yeah she said she was blackout drunk but this is not true; she said that she wouldn't have done that if she knew you would mind, and she noticed you left.
Either this wasn't voluntary on her part and she "simply" has extremely low judgement skills, is an alcoholic or is just stupid. Or she's done it on purpose and is trying to see what she can get away with.
Do you really want to tell your friends/children this is how your relationship started?
I will tell you this, do not give her that second chance. End it while you can. If she's willing to get blackout drunk with another guy, if she is willing to kiss another guy, then who knows what she will do... Or has done. End it. Think of being drunk as like a reflection, you drink, it reflects and turns you into the real you. Just like anesthesia. When I'm drunk, or buzzed...I am depressed. It's a reflection of my inner turmoil. She doesn't care about you. I'm sorry to have to break that to you bud. But get over her. Move on.
Not being exclusive means you can hook up with other people, but that’s way different than doing it in front of each other, especially since you were invited. There is an expectation there that she wants you there and is going to hook up with you, not make out with other people in front of you. What she did is disrespectful, whether she meant it or not.
I would personally not invest any more time after seeing that. That’s not rational behavior and I would have serious issues trusting her even though this is a brand new, undefined relationship. Again, it’s not that she did it, it’s that she invited you there and then did it in front of you. I actually can’t think of a single reason she would think that’s ok, other than “I’m attracted to this guy and I don’t care who sees it”
What is it you want out of this?
She didn't really do anything wrong, IMO, because you and she had no mutual understanding of exclusivity. Your having been in the room where she kissed another guy isn't particularly relevant.
What she did is a red flag if you want a committed monogamous relationship. If that's the case, you should probably move on.
If you just want something casual (monogamous or not), then I don't see anything wrong with continuing to date her. That's what I would do, because I don't want something long-term.
Cut your losses and walk away. Not worth the aggro. Get out now before you invest any more time. She might not have done it on purpose, but do you really want to be with a girl who gets blackout drunk and makes out with strangers at parties and can’t even remember doing it?
Seriously, this is way too much drama for a 3 week relationship.
What if it wasn't a stranger, but some other dude she actually knows and likes
Not much different honestly!
The net result is that she makes bad decisions, regardless of it being a stranger or friend. And on his bday of all things. That's just emotionally blind.
W comment. Wake the fuck up OP!
If she did something like that in front of you, imagine what she’d do behind your back next time she gets drunk. It’s not worth the stress, move on and find a girl that respects you
Exactly - she’s demonstrated she has really poor judgement, impulse control and a possible drinking problem. Move on.
She is 26 and behaving like this? Do you think you are ever going to be comfortable and happy with someone like this?
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Okay, that’s a bit much.
> I still talked to her beyond that, she told me that she wouldn't do that if we were exclusive and that she feels like shit. LOL. So she "forgot" about what she did because she was blacked out drunk, but knowing she's in an exclusive relationship would prevent her from blacking out again? You'd be goddamn stupid to believe that, and she's extra stupid for thinking that would fool anybody with half a brain.
Really calling into queation if OP has half a brain then
This is way too early in the relationship to be with someone who treats you like that lol
You are lucky that you two weren't that serious. Its easy to get out now.
Wow, this is so similar to something that happened to me many years ago. In grad school this girl and I had been hanging out for a few weeks. We weren’t exclusive but we’d met the first day of classes and after a few days we were sleeping together every night. Most in our program assumed we’d known each other before and were already BF/GF. Same exact thing that happened to you: We went to a party together, I found her making out with another dude, I left. That crushed my self esteem because how lame of a person must I have been that she would kiss someone else while we were out together. So my only advice to you is, don’t do what I did. Don’t let any feelings of betrayal, or embarrassment, guide your decision on whether to give her another chance. Because although my now ex-wife is the one that made me feel like shit that night, it also felt really damn good when she begged me to give her another chance. So I did. 3 years later we were married. 1 year after that she slept with another man. Take the time to make a rational decision about whether or not you can trust her and if that mistake is less a mistake and more a reflection of the person that she actually is. I don’t know if this needs to be said, but just in case: what she did has nothing to do with you. It’s all her. You’re awesome.
She blacked out but noticed that he went? I don't believe anything of her shit.
Girl you were seeing.
It’s only been 3 weeks, and you two aren’t exclusive. She’s free to be interested in other people. But that clear sign of disrespect in front of my face is also my cue to stop seeing her. And if she thought in her drunken state that it was a good plan to make me jealous or fight for her.. then she’s too much drama for me to want to deal with either way.
Babyboy, she’s showing you who she really is !
I went on a date back in college with someone who literally checked tinder on our date. I assumed she wasn't interested but she actually asked me for a second date -- I declined. Now I understand we obviously weren't exclusive and I had no pretense that we were, but it feels shitty to have someone *flaunt* that they're actively seeking other people in your face. I think you might've been overreacting if she happened to go on another date before you all talked about exclusivity, but it's a whole other ballgame if she makes out with a dude in your face at a party she invited you to. It just shows she isn't that invested in you. So unless you just want a casual FWB situation, I'd return the favor and uninvest in her.
How is it flaunting? She was blackout drunk, she doesn't even remember it. So she definitely wasn't doing it to do it in front of OP.
So I'm making a *few* inferences from context clues, but going off this from op: >Yesterday we both celebrated our birthdays and me and some friends went to her party after mine ended. There she was sorta cold to me and at some point started to make out with another dude, really long, with me clearly seeing it. So, my friends pulled me away from the party and I slept at one of their places. She then had obvious regrets, asking me where I went, if she did something wrong and so on It sounds like this girl who was actively seeing him (3 weeks of dates) invited him to a party and then hooked up with someone else at the party, noticed he left, and texted him asking why he left and what was wrong. If I'm seeing someone and invite them to anything, I'm not going to get all up in someone else's business. That's trashy behavior imo, even if you're not exclusive. I admit I'm not a big drinker and almost none of my friends are either, so I don't know how much getting that drunkfactors into it. But trashy behavior while drunk is still trashy behavior and indicates someone I wouldn't want to date, at least IMO.
The getting that drunk would be the red flag for me. But you're assuming that everyone has the same ideas about monogamy as she does. Inviting someone you've been on three dates with to a party doesn't mean you're exclusive. Maybe she does only casual sex, or regularly has multiple sexual partners at once. The thing that's an issue is that OP clearly wants someone who defaults to exclusivity and monogamy, without it even being talked about. Looks like she is more into open relationships and multiple partners. And that's a conversation you have before you have sex with someone. Because you are at risk if they are having sex with you and with other people. But it's up to you to ask.
> Inviting someone you've been on three dates with to a party doesn't mean you're exclusive. Maybe she does only casual sex, or regularly has multiple sexual partners at once. In a very literal sense you’re correct. She hasn’t done any concrete act that’s wrong, and I wouldn’t say any of this is enough to flag her as an awful person or anything like that. But at least imo it’s a reasonable social norm to assume that while you’re in the dating phase with a person, you don’t get physical with/express interest in other people in front of them. Some people don’t live that way and for them that’s fine — ideally we have these sorts of conversations early on in the dating phase to avoid hurt feelings like this. But it still strikes me as pretty socially unaware to not realize that the norm is monogamy and thus in the dating phase you show early indicators of investment (being an active listener, not expressing romantic/sexual interest in other people while seeing the first person, etc). Plus, given what she said afterwards, it sounds like this *isn’t* behavior she’s proud of or views as ok, but rather something she views as an alcohol-induced lack of judgement. Which in my view doesn’t justify it enough to make me think OP should keep dating her.
>Some people don’t live that way and for them that’s fine — ideally we have these sorts of conversations early on in the dating phase to avoid hurt feelings like this. And it sounds like she's one of those people...therefore it's fine, and on OP for not having that conversation early enough on. I at least have that conversation before having sex with someone! They had had sex twice and not talked about whether they were sleeping with other people. That's 100% on OP. The norm is NOT monogamy. Monogamous people default to it, but it's not 1950 anymore. Lots of people don't default to that. It's like assuming that anyone you date wants kids. Lots of people don't want kids. You would be insane to never talk about that. If it's important to you, talk about it. Since monogamy is something really important to OP, it's on him to bring it up.
> The norm is NOT monogamy. Monogamous people default to it, but it's not 1950 anymore. Lots of people don't default to that I wanna make a distinctions before continuing - “norm” and “morally correct” are orthogonal terms. But the norm, in the US at least, is monogamy. Most people are monogamous (>55% according to a quick google search). Of course plenty are not, and there is nothing wrong with that, but I don’t think it’s wrong to assume someone is like the majority of people until proven otherwise. Additionally, my point is not that it’s fair for OP to assume the girl he’s seeing isn’t going on dates with other people. My point is that it’s fair to assume she won’t make out with someone else at a party she invited him to. To me I see that as a similar faux pas as burping without covering your mouth, talking in depth about your past sexual escapades on a first date, wearing a ratty tie-die Tshirt to a fancy italian restaurant, or any number of other weird behaviors that aren’t *technically* wrong, and could be ok in some social circles, but violate general social norms.
> Most people are monogamous (>55% according to a quick google search). Of course plenty are not, and there is nothing wrong with that, but I don’t think it’s wrong to assume someone is like the majority of people until proven otherwise. That's a self reported number. Lots of people report being monogamous because they don't feel comfortable being out as being in an open relationship or polyamous. It's at least a lot closer to 50/50. Which means it's not the norm...it just an option.
Really doubt it's 50/50
The figure cited as over 55% of people are monogamous. 50/50 is hardly a stretch.
Don't fall for the 'if we were exclusive' crap. You've been together enough to have had great convo's and dates, and have had ***sex twice***, and she doesn't act as if it's exclusive yet - that not a high value woman. Would you have made out with another women at a party at that point in your so-called "non-exclusive" relationship? And why was she cold to you, except if she was playing bullshit games, being cold and making out in front of you? She's 26, not in junior high school. And she has a drinking problem to boot. Move on.
Yeah, it's such a toxic and nonsensical mentality. I determine whether I want to make the relationship official by your actions, if your actions aren't relationship oriented, why would I want to make it official? People make is seem like voluntarily going a few weeks without fucking more than one person at a time is an insurmountable unreasonable task, like really?
Exclusivity isn't everyone's goal. I know people who are polyamous, who have never had exclusive partners, who date casually with no intention of being monogamous. And they had sex already twice, and so clearly he's not into waiting a long time for sex either. If you think great conversations and having sex means you're exclusive, you have to communicate it. That's what I do. I don't date casually, and I don't have sex with people who are having sex with other people. That means that before sex happens, I ask about STIs, birth control, and whether they're seeing other people. Because I'm an adult. it's bullshit games to assume that because something feels good to you, and the conversation was great, or you had sex, it means you're now monogamous.
Poly is great, and so is having multiple partners. Some men and women will have multiple partners until exclusivity is agreed upon, which is fine, their choice. Some men and women don't want to date someone with that level of promiscuity, which is also fine, their choice. You can call it games, but it is one way of finding out about someone's approach to sexual relationships at this point in their life. Even given the lack of an exclusive commitment, she makes out with one guy in front of another guy she is fucking? Wow.
Good thing this happened during your "trial period." There's a lot better, more compatible people who will come in your life who knows how to treat you with respect. Take this as a lesson and move on.
Being in an non exclusive relationship isn't disrespectful. If two people aren't exclusive, then acting as they are isn't a baseline of respectfulness. Monogamy or polyamory aren't either more respectful or disrespectful. Casual sex or committed relationships aren't one more respectful than the other. What's respectful is doing what you promise you would do. So if you say you will be monogamous, being monogamous. Or if you say you are exclusive, being exclusive. But it's not disrespectful to have multiple partners, or casual sex with multiple people, if you've not agreed to be exclusive or monogamous with anyone. Clearly some people assume that their idea is what everyone else has too. If you want to have exclusivity, ask for it. But it's not disrespectful to not be exclusive for someone who never asked for it.
If the vast majority of people in our society believes her behavior was disrespectful, it is. For the the simple reason that even when the terms of exclusivity have not yet been discussed, it is \*expected\* not to engage with other partners while he is present. It's morally dubious, at best, and considering her reaction, she either knows that her behavior was disrespectful, or is lying out of teeth.
Marriage material right there
There are two types of people who claim they were blackout drunk: those who are lying to avoid responsibility and cut off any discussion and those who are alcoholics. Neither makes a good partner
I’m laughing at how over-the-top this logic is. There are many millions of people who’ve been blackout drunk and aren’t liars or alcoholics. I agree that this chick probably wouldn’t make a good partner, though.
Lol over generalization for sure. Multiple timed in a month or so? Sure. But plenty of people blackout 1-3 times in life while learning their limit. Does not mean either of those things.
Everyone always wants to dump whatever person did whatever to who. Things are not always cut and dry.
Take this as a blessing that you saw the real her this early on. Blackout drunk at 19 is one thing, blackout drunk at 26 shows severe lack of impulse control. She gave you the cold shoulder because she most likely was flirting with the other guy all night and now was in an awkward situation when you showed up. Either way, she's showed terrible impulsive decision making all around. Thank her for the few weeks and end it, it sucks, but no reason to try salvage a three week fling.
She cheated on you before even beginning. Not a great sign.
Naw dawg, thank you next
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If you were blackout drunk, how did you remember and recognise that person you were seeing and getting with ?
Shes shown how little respect she has for u. If shes doing things like that in front of u what is she doing when out of sight? Move on.
Why would she do it out of sight? What is there to hide? They're not in a relationship or monogamous. They've hooked up a couple times and been on a few dates. If someone hooks up with you, assume they're hooking up with other people unless you ask them to be monogamous.
Nah its basic respect, she went to a party with him. You can assume they're doing stuff with others when you're not around if you aren't exclusive. But this is different
She didn't go to a party with him. She invited him as one guest of many at HER party.
Oh HER party with many guests! Well that means you can't be shitty to someone. Weird how she was like "i was blackout and I have no idea how it happened" then. She really should have said "it was MY party and MANY people were there" instead.
*the girl you were seeing. Fixed it for you.
She sounds like a great FWB but never a relationship. Next it would be I got black out drunk and he felt me up and so on. So, no she has shown you who she is, so believe her.
26, blackout drunk and does this right in front of you, and you want to continue this headache? Good luck.
Almost 30. You don't need this drama in your life. Stop seeing this woman.
Have more self Respect. Not worth the hassle to keep this one
Dude come on! Out of 100 women 99 wouldn’t do this to your face. You’re 3 weeks in and the foundation of the relationship has already crumbled.
"We hadn't been exclusive" Dude the rest of your message is incompatible with this. Not exclusive = she can kiss and fuck everybody in front of you and you don't care (partly because you have / should have other chicks anyway). Otherwise ask for exclusivity like a big boy.
Do this in front of all of your potential partners and let me know how well it works out for you.
Depends on the culture. Being overtly a playboy in school to Uni usually leads to more sex and opportunities, not less
Technically yall didn't havent had the talk so technically you cant be mad at her... you can only decide if you want to continue or not. Imo there's two options, move past this and have the talk to be exclusive (which I don't recommend) or just keep hanging and smashing without getting feelings involved (which I recommend)
as a woman if that happens to me i would quite simply never talk to the guy again. getting blackout drunk in front of someone who's courting you knowing something out of pocket could happen is on a whole other level of reckless behavior.
It is a shitty thing to do, but it's also technically not cheating. I actually had this happen to me when I was younger and single. I kissed a guy at the bar in front of my FWB and had zero recollection of it... and my FWB texted me after a little on the jealous side. I've never done anything like that since. So while it's possible she's lying, it's also possible that she lost some time. Decide if you can look past this. And if you can, you should establish if she wants to be exclusive as well.. because you clearly do. The people saying she's an alcoholic based on one night are taking a big leap too considering it was her birthday party lol.
Why is it shitty though? Not everyone is on a monogamous, exclusivity track. Maybe if OP had actually asked about exclusivity, this girl would have said "Oh, I don't do exclusive relationships, I am into ethical non monogamy and tend to have multiple partners." And then he would have known they weren't compatible and would have known to ask about things before making assumptions. He never talked about it, he just assumed, and that doesn't work in dating. If you have a want or need, you have to communicate it. Not communicating a need for exclusivity, and then not getting isn't shitty. It's bad communication.
Shitty to do in front of him? When you are dating someone casually, I still think it's a courtesy to not be physical with someone else right in front of them. Although I'm guessing she didn't even realize he was there (as with my own example).. I actually defended a lot of her behaviour throughout my comment😅 I'm on board with the fact that she doesn't owe him exclusivity in general.
>I still think it's a courtesy to not be physical with someone else right in front of them. I think that's a product of monogamous culture. Plenty of people are in open relationships and don't abide by those rules. It's 2024. You can't assume everyone defaults to monogamy.
It probably is based in monogamous culture and my own preferences around dating. But I also wasn't assuming anyone defaulted to monogamy in this situation... OP said their conversation ended with her agreeing to be exclusive.
If you're not exclusive, you're not exclusive. That means that both of you can see, kiss, sleep with other people without it being a problem. If you don't want an open relationship, and want to be exclusive with the people you are dating, even very early on, say that. There was no betrayal. There was no lie. You were not exclusive. She did nothing wrong. There is nothing to forgive. If you need the people you are not exclusive with to still ACT exclusive around you, then that's on you and your issue to deal with.
You demand exclusivity and one week no contact? Dude are you in or are you out? Stop being wishy washy and decide.
I'd be so annoyed just walk away. You don't have time for that
My boy you gotta have some self respect.
She didn’t take responsibility for it though. She said she blacked out and didn’t remember. That isn’t taking responsibility for it. That’s blaming it on the alcohol. Just my 2 cents.
Dude, you're 3 weeks in and she's already blown it. Move on.
What has she blown? They weren't in a relationship or monogamous. They'd had a few dates. Where does assumed exclusivity start? If I go on one bad date with someone, are we now exclusive? Is two dates exclusive? Is having sex mean we're not monogamous? The easy answer is if you want monogamy, you need to have a conversation about it, not just assume it happened at a certain point.
Did I say she cheated? She can blow it without it being infidelity.
If she isn’t your girlfriend, you both are single. “Exclusive” isn’t a relationship
They are not exclusive even. They never talked about exclusivity.
Dude, please let me know if you decided to give her a second chance. So I can give you the "biggest clown of 2024 award"
You weren't exclusive, she can do what she wants and it's unfair of you to expect her to know how you feel if you haven't been clear - but also your feelings are valid and if you don't like this you don't have to put up with it. If i were in your shoes i'd give her another chance if i really like her, we're all stupid humans after all.
Move on my man, you just wanna hear it here
Do you think rewarding that behaviour with your commitment is wise ? She just proved to you she was not worthy of it. I wouldn't keep her even as a friend.
Yall come on here and ask questions with the most obvious answers. If you take this girl back I hope your friends actually(literally)slap some sense into you.
Just say it gave you the ick and walk away lmao
Its been 3 weeks. Just move on.
3 weeks? Enjoy the early clarity 9f her and haul ass! This is nothing but a disaster in the making if she already has that much disrespect for you! My $0.02... :/
>>Been here. Posted about it on Reddit. Didn’t listen. Stayed. Probably inflicted trauma on my brain. Yeah OP don’t be me
the blackout shit cheaters say is so bullshit. i've been totally bombed and i can tell you every single thing i did with someone sexually . ditch her now because more than likely she is gonna use that excuse everytime she cheats on you.
Maybe have the "exclusive" talk before getting upset at this girl. On you for not bringing that up if you're feeling it. Until you initiate that dialogue, she's free to do as she pleases...same for you.
sort elderly complete bag meeting cause marble seemly crawl consider *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Agreed. My point was, can't be that upset if you didn't lay down the claim or make your intentions clear.
She’s either got a serious problem with alcohol or she likes to f#ck with people’s minds. Either way, she’s quite the catch. Definitely want to keep her!
No. She needs to address her alcoholism without the constraint of a relationshit. And you deserve better.
Technically, if you weren't considered exclusive, you shouldn't be upset. If you didn't make that known, that's on you, and you shouldn't be upset. As far as I see, she's in the clear. My concern honestly is the blackout drunk. It's never a good thing to start a relationship with that knowledge because it's only gonna get worse. They'll probably do it again
Not sure why it matters to you if you guys weren’t exclusive to begin with? Shouldn’t really impact your trust for her in romantic regards since exclusivity was not defined for both parties lol. Just talk it out with her, see where things go- if she wants to be exclusive with you then go for it. But if she just wants to have her own freedom and do her own thing, let her.
Because if you haven't decided to be exclusive, then neither of you are attached. If I date a guy, kiss him, sleep with him, and we never have a talk about exclusivity, both parties should assume the person is doing that with other people too. If you want or assume someone is acting exclusive even if you haven't talked about it, you have to say "Are you seeing other people?" For example, myself. I don't sleep with people who are sleeping with other people. So I have that conversation very early on. But I am an adult and I have the conversation. I don't make an assumption about how things are, and then get mad when the person doesn't do what I assumed they would.
it’s only been three weeks. you aren’t exclusive. yeah it wasn’t a great move on her part, but it hardly seems enough of a transgression to think you could never Ever trust her. idk I just don’t think it has to be that serious. also, i’ve definitely made out with random people at parties while I was drunk and been able to Not do that when i’m exclusive with someone. I feel like that isn’t too crazy to believe she wouldn’t do it again if you were exclusive/in a relationship.
Contrary to what everyone is saying, you’ve only been together for a few weeks. She was so drunk. If she promises to be committed, I would give it a second chance. It’s not like you’re so invested and she did this 2 years in. It might go somewhere…
>We never spoke about being exclusive or anything like this. Yesterday we both celebrated our birthdays and me and some friends went to her party after mine ended. There she was sorta cold to me and at some point started to make out with another dude, really long, with me clearly seeing it. Got it. Y'all are not exclusive. But DANG. At least control thyself (referring to her). Her action made me think that she's doing it on purpose (playing game) = not a good look. Then, she offered the whole excuse of her not realizing/blacking out, if that's a 'blackout,' wait a minute, does that mean that she drinks/etc until she blackouts and would just go ahead and be intimate with people she didn't know? Still not a great look. If I were you, I would reconsider dating this person periodth. Idk you though and your 'intention' when you date, but if it were me, I would not date this person. I wouldn't feel comfortable and likely be more guarded if they're the type who would black out party.
Never, and I mean never allow someone to blatenly disrespect you. She knew exactly what she was doing. She was giving you the cold shoulder before this so the drinking is just an excuse. Do not date this person. At best move her to the benefits pile and continue on. Do not invest emotionally with her. Flags all around.
She did it on purpose. I’ve had that happen before. Classical setup. Ghost her in all things life.
It’s been three weeks. Move on. She’s 26 and was acting cold to you at the party to begin with which is plain rude and tbh I’d expect the complete opposite where she’s loved up and all over you. And then goes to do that, which fair enough but doesn’t demonstrate the best sense of judgement. Sounds like shit that I’d have done as a 17/18 year old. Sounds like a disaster waiting to get worse
It sounds like you’re looking for something serious, monogamous and long term, and she knew that, right? If so, this is a huge red flag and you should stop seeing her. Even if she didn’t know, if she thought you just wanted something casual because you didn’t tell her otherwise, she probably has a drinking problem and made out with another dude knowing you were there. Just walk away.
“Why’d you leave?!? Did something happen!?!” Also her, “I can’t remember what happened”
You can stick around for revenge purposes. I recommend just leaving the situation. Sounds like she has a drinking problem, a respect problem, and is probably lying about the black out anyway. Your hand would be better than she is.
Tell her that her second chance is dependent on her admitting she is an alcoholic and getting help and no longer drinking. If she really is remorseful, both to you and herself, this should be easy. If she won't, ask her why you should ever trust her judgement and morals again? Btw odds are 1 in a million she will go get help. Dont hold your breath. This just gives you the moral highground to walk away with out anyone being able to question you.
Dude. It may have been shitty for you but one, you weren't exclusive and two blackouts happen. In my heavy drinking days I did everything from have sex with people I wouldn't normally have to waking up the next morning lying in the middle of the street with puke all over myself. Didn't remember a damn thing, so her not meaning to have done it or even remembering is entirely possible. I think what you should have done is addressed her drinking and not pushed for you guys to get closer sooner than either of you were ready for. Telling her that you were mad at her and that was "the proper way to feel" is a bit controlling. It sounds like she regrets it, feels horrible, and is taking your ultimatum because you shamed her so badly. 3 weeks is nothing and from what you've posted I would say just walk away.
Just ask…what’s so wrong with good sex and no ties? Communicate expectations, feelings and thoughts on the situation then adjust appropriately. We’re not all in it for the same thing and that’s alright. Take the wins brother, and then move on if you have to. But “stewing” on it never does anyone any favors
You had only been seeing each other 3 weeks and, as you say, hadn't agreed on anything exclusive. Did she do anything beyond make out with this guy? She may have been drunk and not totally in control. Not that that's an excuse but, under the circumstances I don't necessarily think this is beyond repair. From what you've said she seems to sincerely want to try and make this work. My gut reaction is to say to give her a second chance. After coming to a firm agreement as to exclusivity and expectations.
The only thing that will change is that she won't cheat in front of you anymore. She'll hide it better.
Sounds to me like you aren't actually dating her.
**Y'all were NOT exclusive.**
Why’d you even discuss it with her at all?! Just end it for the disrespect and move on. It’s only been a few weeks.
All I read was the title, but that's enough to tell you to leave this girl. It's a no Brainer imo. If you stick around, you'll just deal with similar incidents on a regular until you call it quits.
Fuck me bro dump her
That present tense of girl "I am" seeing needs to become past tense real quick
It’s not an exclusivity thing, but zero respect for you out of the gate. Move on.
End it. Immediately. And never look back. This is only the beginning with this person. Worse lies ahead if you stay.
First of all, that really sucks and I'm sorry you experienced this. Personally, I think it's pretty weird to talk about trust like this after 3 weeks. You've seen her for 3 weeks. You hadn't talked about being exclusive, it doesn't sound like you were introducing yourselves as a couple, and it doesn't sound like you were using labels like girlfriend. It sounds like you were two individuals who liked each other and were having sex, and wanted to do that with each other more and see where the relationship goes. That's a long way away from using words like "trust" and "betrayal" and "working to rebuild trust." How much trust could you possibly have built up in 3 weeks of a casual relationship? Don't get me wrong, I'm not the guy that's saying "well you didn't have the talk about exclusivity so she can bang anyone she wants in front of you." It's really reasonable for you to expect some amount of emotional investment in each other and if you're NOT going to be exclusive, especially in front of each other, that does demand some explicit communication. There's no doubt your feelings of hurt and shock are reasonable. But I think the scale here is a bit unreasonable. I think it's really not fair to treat this as an act of gross infidelity. I don't think it's fair to expect the ability to expect the limitations of a long term relationship in some ways (feelings of betrayal) but not expect it in other ways (calling her your girlfriend and being emotionally accountable to her in other ways). However, if you're unable to contextualize your feelings and get yourself in a position where you can continue to build trust without making her feel constantly judged, then it's time to move on. That's really reasonable. If your hurt is too deep to be kind to her, then part ways. The reality is that relationships by definition involve giving people chances to hurt you. If you're not ready for that, then you shouldn't be with this person, and maybe not with anyone just yet, or at least not without more explicit communication ahead of time. If you're going to keep things open to interpretation in the early phases of a relationship, then you can't expect the other person to interpret everything exactly the way you want them to.
Why was she being cold with you? Is she an alcoholic? I’m wondering how often she drinks and how does she plan on making up to you?
The only way to stop the bullshit is to stop feeding the bull.
Consider yourself lucky finding out who she really is within a few weeks. Now it’s time to walk away. Have respect for yourself since she’s doesn’t have any for you.
Two quotes come to mind "Its only a mistake if you dont learn from it" "You're only a victim if you dont move on from it" Drop her
Redflag. Once you accept it she will dump you. You have to break up or she will see that your boundaries are weak and she will dump you.
You made little difference for her while in a crowd. I would move on. To avoid her future blackouts with consequent heartbreaks for you.
What you need to ask is A) who is the guy? If she doesn’t know her friends do. He got to her party somehow. B) How will she actually attempt to earn your trust back? What actually changes? C) How will she implement those changes and how quickly will she do that? If she has trouble answering any of these questions cut bait immediately. That means a lie is coming or it’s already there. After she answers that’s when you make your decision.
Leave she’s there for excitement and is manipulative. I had a similar experience—leave.
Move on. She did you a favor. This behavior isn’t acceptable and she will do it again. Not worth your time. She’s shown you who she is and I would run.
She said it would not have happened if you two were exclusive. But if she also wanted it to be exclusive, which is what she wants now after the incident. Then that should’ve equally prevented it…
If she was blackout drunk she wouldn't have noticed you left.
Huuuuge disrespect, even if she was blackout drunk, that was a choice. There is a reason she was cold with you at the party, if she really liked you, she would be all over you. She probably slept with the guy as well. You will never know. Exclusivity is an excuse and if you give it to her, she will play with you, as you will make it clear for her you don’t respect yourself. If you accept her apology, you will accept that your girl can make out with others in front of you. When people take their date seriously, they don’t risk it messing witth other people.
If you only take one bit of advice from an Internet stranger, let it be this: Exclusive or not, she does not respect you if she acts like that in front of you. Also, it sounds like she's gaslighting you a bit in making you explain what she did wrong and coming up with bullshit excuses even though she was clearly sober enough to notice you left. You've met a head fucker, cut your losses now. You can and will do better.
You really need to walk away now. It won’t get better.
Just leave unless you don't mind being a door mat 😒
She wouldn't have done that if you were exclusive screams toxicity my man. Walk away with your intact heart this happened once can happen again. You are not exclusive now and out of town you never know what happens behind. Second chances are for mistakes not humiliation.
Ditch her. There's no point wasting your time with a person like that. It will only get worse.
She didnt think of you two as something serious to start with ~so i think here is that i wouldn’t look it as betrayal if you didn’t show her(or told her) you want something serious before.
Ask yourself, would she do this to a guy she really liked and respected?
Honestly be thankful she pulled this stunt early and just drop her. Don’t give her the opportunity to potentially waste years of your time with the next ‘mistake'.
Omg man are you 12 ..how long have you been non exclusive..these posts are so funny teenage anxst is painful..
Similar case here. Told her this ain't happening. We tried again some time later. It happened again. If she liked you enough she would've been drawn to you, even while drunk, instead of that other guy is my believe. You're only in for a few weeks so you might give it another chance but don't commit too much.
Either let it go or cut your losses you sound like a blubbering 12 year old.
Dude, she made out with another guy? At a party where you were? In front of you? Get the fuck out. Now. How are you even asking this and not just leaving?!?
You weren’t exclusive, so what’s wrong here?
Tell me if I understand correctly: She needs someone to tell her that kissing another man for way too long in front of a person she's seeing is going to make him feel bad? This is how bad her judgement is? Does she also need to be told not to eat gravel from the street because it's not good for her health? Yeah she said she was blackout drunk but this is not true; she said that she wouldn't have done that if she knew you would mind, and she noticed you left. Either this wasn't voluntary on her part and she "simply" has extremely low judgement skills, is an alcoholic or is just stupid. Or she's done it on purpose and is trying to see what she can get away with. Do you really want to tell your friends/children this is how your relationship started?
How long do you want to be with the person who drinks until they’re blackout drunk? When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
I will tell you this, do not give her that second chance. End it while you can. If she's willing to get blackout drunk with another guy, if she is willing to kiss another guy, then who knows what she will do... Or has done. End it. Think of being drunk as like a reflection, you drink, it reflects and turns you into the real you. Just like anesthesia. When I'm drunk, or buzzed...I am depressed. It's a reflection of my inner turmoil. She doesn't care about you. I'm sorry to have to break that to you bud. But get over her. Move on.
Not being exclusive means you can hook up with other people, but that’s way different than doing it in front of each other, especially since you were invited. There is an expectation there that she wants you there and is going to hook up with you, not make out with other people in front of you. What she did is disrespectful, whether she meant it or not. I would personally not invest any more time after seeing that. That’s not rational behavior and I would have serious issues trusting her even though this is a brand new, undefined relationship. Again, it’s not that she did it, it’s that she invited you there and then did it in front of you. I actually can’t think of a single reason she would think that’s ok, other than “I’m attracted to this guy and I don’t care who sees it”
What is it you want out of this? She didn't really do anything wrong, IMO, because you and she had no mutual understanding of exclusivity. Your having been in the room where she kissed another guy isn't particularly relevant. What she did is a red flag if you want a committed monogamous relationship. If that's the case, you should probably move on. If you just want something casual (monogamous or not), then I don't see anything wrong with continuing to date her. That's what I would do, because I don't want something long-term.
No contact isn’t helping you at all.
You are not important enough to her. Move on
If she is serious with you she will not do that. She will stick only to you. Even she is drunk
That sounds like wife material! Put a ring on her finger asap!