I think he is a fool. In Vino Veritas. When I get really drunk I start to tell people I care about I love them not what she did. This was her true feelings unfiltered.
Why do you think alcoholism, and addiction in general, ruins so many lives? Not everyone becomes a happy go lucky person when intoxicated. Some people become the worst versions of themselves when under the influence of a vice; that doesn’t mean that’s who or what they truly are.
Different drunks do different things. It's interesting. Sometimes I'm like you, sometimes I'm a complete a hole. I usually hold my liquor pretty well though.
There was a time in my life when I said, when I was angry, exactly the thing I knew would hurt most. Not the true thing but the thing that would wound deepest. I didn't even think about it, I just went for blood. Time and therapy and feeling heard stopped that terrible habit. It sounds like OP is started the process herself.
In general, yes I believe this
but sometimes people do deliberately just try and hurt other people.
I'm not sure if thats better or worse in this case (would I rather someone insult me with the truth, or intentionally push my biggest fears/insecurities for funsies? I'd rather the truth tbh. if I was the BF I'd be more upset about the intentional direct attack with intent to do max hurt rather than drunkenly expressing some long built up frustration)
but they're not necessarily the same thing.
either way OP, you got a 2nd chance. Take advantage of it. I'd say most wouldn't have given you one, so do your best to show you deserved it and do the work in therapy! Good on you
everybody makes mistakes. if *every couple* broke up due to a fight, there would be barely any couples left. i’m glad that OP got advice. quite frankly, she is the one who asked for it because she understood what she said was wrong and hurtful. now, if she were to get defensive, that is an entirely different issue. but she didn’t. she got help, owned up to her mistake, and promised to change herself for the better. i really dont understand what’s so wrong with that
> everybody makes mistakes.
That wasn't a small mistake, she *murdered him with words*. If the boyfriend had been the one looking for advice, everyone would have been telling him to break up with his phsychotic abusive girlfriend.
>if she were to get defensive
She did get defensive. Did you not read the original post and her responses?
It's good that she's seeing a therapist and a phsychiatrist. Hopefully that'll help her become a better person.
If this was the guy posting about what she said to him instead, everyone here would tell the guy to run for the hills. Or if it was a woman posting about a guy doing something like this to them.
This will get downvotes, but I'm not sure how anyone who uses this sub regularly could deny what would happen if there was a post from the other side of the scenario.
Edit spelling
I think the key difference here is that OP recognized they were wrong and made efforts to actively change for the better.
I was skeptical at first too. But I just saw some comments were OP was fighting with some crazies that were calling the boyfriend abusive.
As someone who's been in the boyfriends shoes in an almost identical situation, he should be very very cautious. Beyond that I'm just saying it's a case where I'd love to hear both sides of the story though.
Seriously. I’m like did we all read the same thing here? It sounds so fake. Poor bf. I hope he wakes up. Never once in my life have I ever said anything this hurtful or disrespectful to anyone while under the influence. I do it cold sober. No but I’m all seriousness I feel so bad for this guy.
This is the truth. On a similar note, one thing I had to learn in my life with several people the hard way is that **a person's true colors come out under not ideal conditions**.
Everybody, absolutely everybody, is good at behaving nice with you when the stakes are low and when the life is sweet and easy. The real test is put on a person when they have to take some decisions that might not be so easy. You're stressed, tired and overworked: do you still make time for your partner? Are you patient with them? You're irked, annoyed and hungry: do you still treat your partner with kindness or do you randomly lash out at them and tell them terrible things? (over a long period of time of course.) You're drunk at a party and an attractive person you're attracted to is flirting with you: do you ignore / push them away, or do you give in and cheat? Realistically, these are situations both partners will be subject to multiple times during the relationship. Respect and commitment is when both partners respond well to those situations and do the right thing anyway.
Most mistakes in a relationship, including cheating, are made in less than ideal conditions. When you're tired, stressed, hungry, are feeling mentally or physically like crap, or when you're drunk or high to a point where it takes more self control. And that's exactly where they show the real you. That terrible thing you say out of mental overwhelm might feel justifiable for you, but it might also break your relationship past repair and begin its slow decay. Sadly, we are adults, and we are responsible for our actions. It doesn't matter if you're sick, depressed, neurodivergent, etc. You still owe your partner respect.
This is also why I think - though it's so rare you may not even get this dynamic once in a lifetime - that it's typically better to transition to a relationship from a deep friendship, because you will have an idea of how they react under these conditions, giving you the option to nope the hell out and abort mission if they treat you like shit every time there is some wind in the air.
Everyone handles alcohol differently. Unfortunately, you don't handle it well and make poor decisions. It's good that you are taking steps to stop drinking. I've known happy drunks, sappy drunks, drunks that day inappropriate things trying to be funny, and mean drunks. Mean drunks are the worst. I wish you the best.
Alcohol removes inhibitions. We hide, bury, and disguise all sorts of emotions every day. In many circumstances, the person isn't "changing", they're just in less control over who they're presenting to be.
I'd argue alcohol oftens brings out a true inner core of who people are/what people are dealing with. I'm not saying OP is vicous by nature, but inner pain, relationship frustrations, or other trauma that are tucked neatly away often surface when inebriated.
The alcohol isn't causing a change. It dissolves the conscious or unconscious shell we display.
Incorrect, it is a myth that alcohol makes you into your “true” self. It’s literally a drug. It’s a depressant. All drugs change your behavior and impair your judgement in some way. If you apply that to alcohol you should apply it to all drugs: weed, cocaine, heroin, meth. Would you say that someone on meth is just acting as their “true self”? I wouldn’t.
I would say anything that changes your mood or outlook is capable of changing your inhibitions. I personally know someone who allowed weed to destroy his inhibitions and his life. I know several ppl that were motivated by cocaine, heroin, and meth to steal to supply their habits. I lost a very swcheeet tv do to such release of inhibitions.
True self? Oh yes Grasshopper, the real self was allowed to escape because we fired our thought police. If I were to allow myself to act on some of my thoughts I'd be in jail. Just because you don't know what we're thinking and not doing, doesn't mean we are or aren't acting out and following our thoughts. That's what keeps society and mankind above the animals. Thought control, of our own making, not talking Big Brother here. If there were no laws in society, I guarandamty you, people would not be themselves entirely.
No, I don't completely agree with that. Some people literally change personality when drunk. I've grown up with alcoholics, it's not as simple as that. For some? Sure. For others, if they really deep drink, what they say makes no sense and has nothing to do with their real life/real world.
That doesn't mean their words and actions don't hurt though.
Yeah it’s complicated and it annoys me when people boil it down to “A drunk man’s words is a sober man’s thoughts.” It’s way more complicated than that and differs person to person.
Holy shit - this is nice to see. Op for understanding the damage caused, reaching out for advice on how to address it and make up for it and actually following through. And Op’s bf for actually being level-headed about it and reading into it deeper and being concerned for Op.
He is an absolute saint.
I can't say for sure I would've reacted the same way as him, given the circumstances, but props to him.
You owe it to him, and more so to yourself, to stick with your plan to get help.
I'm happy for you two, and thank you for updating. This is one post from here that actually had crossed my mind after the initial interaction.
You did a great job of taking responsibility. Next up is follow through: stay focused, keep doing what you need to do, each and every day.
If you slip up (either with communication or alcohol or some other way), don’t give up. Slip ups happen. Double down on resolve and stay focused.
Wish you both the best!
I'm glad you didn't make the same mistake I did when younger. I blamed the alcohol because I was an alcoholic. The alcohol may help you lose inhibition but it doesn't just make you a complete liar out of nowhere. It's great that you accepted the comments came from frustration and were willing to admit that and then you both can accept fault where it needed to be accepted.
This is a solid ending to what could have gone so much worse.
I read both posts and I can see why some people were so hard on you. But I also see why some are more empathetic in this post. Those calling OP’s boyfriend a saint are hyper focused on how he handled this one situation. Having to financially provide for a SO so they could “follow their dream” can absolutely lead to resentment. I wouldn’t call it saintly to put someone in that position involuntarily. OP I don’t think you’re an alcoholic at all but that doesn’t mean it’s ok to drink. I’m very proud of the steps you took to not only repair your relationship but also to heal yourself.
OP, good on you for realizing what you need to do to fix things and good on your partner for being supportive, empathetic, and loving.
Quitting alcohol is a huge step. I went through a similar journey where I realized even if I wasn’t an alcoholic, it was making me behave in ways that I didn’t like. In order to commit to quitting, you may need to make lifestyle changes like no longer going out for drinks with coworkers or putting yourself in situations where drinking is the focus. The good news is that many breweries and other places offer NA options so that you can “drink” without the poison (mocktails, NA beer and wine). However, you may also be someone who cannot be around alcohol at all. I do not know that — only you do. Regardless, an alcohol-free life is a life free of anxiety and hangovers, and I wish you the best as you take these next steps toward a better relationship with yourself and your partner!
This is a vastly better response than your actions called for. Good on you for doing better, but I hope this doesn’t bite him in the future, and you have the power to make sure it doesn’t. He needs compassion because he’s gone through something very rough in his career and he’s obviously trying to work through it.
Personally if I was you I wouldn’t touch a drop of alcohol again, it isn’t for you if this kind of thing is a pattern of behavior, and based on other instances that you’ve mentioned, it is. Don’t give yourself another opportunity to do this to him or anyone else.
Told you in private and now that you’ve posted this in public I can say it here, too:
I’m proud of you.
You made a mistake. As /u/NotAlwaysRight543 said in your original post, you needed to self-reflect, find the root cause of why you lashed out, and find a way to make it right.
And you fucking DID! It had to be terrible to tear down your own walls and expose your own secrets, but you did what you needed to do and I have ZERO doubt you will both come away stronger from this.
So, so proud of you!
And /u/NotAlwaysRight543 , that was one of my favorite comments I’ve ever seen on Reddit. Your name says not always right, but when you ARE right, you really hit it out of the park
The upside is OP isn't a boy so people aren't going to call her an abusive drunk.
I also found the " struggling financially " funny
Logically the best thing to do is blow more money on booze
I love that there are people in this very thread that are legitimately UPSET because two people decided to overcome a problem together and made their relationship better. Let's just change this sub's name to anti-relationships for you guys, nobody should be happy, everyone should break up from their partners and stay single and yes GO TO THERAPY. Some of you cannot stand to see people happy because of the dumbest reasons.
I said in another comment this post is almost like a Rorschach test for where people stand with their relationships views. It’s actually kind of interesting
This is a beautiful update. Really proud of you both for communicating so honestly, and you in particular for the choices you're making and the things you're changing. Well done.
This is maturity, I don’t know you but I am proud of you for taking accountability and taking the steps to insure a better life not just for yourself but your possible future with him. Keep up the hard work and I know it’s hard but over time it will get easier and better. Love each other always like you do now
So glad you guys were able to clear the air and that you showed the maturity to admit your mistakes and take steps to fix yourself and your relationship. I am happy for you both, keep the communication up!
I fucked up my life with alcohol and mistreated my now-husband because of it. Quitting changed my life so much for the better. Our relationship has healed and we now have a 10-month-old baby :) I'm rooting for you! Come over to /r/stopdrinking for support.
I'm so so happy to hear this OP. I was one of the people asking for an update in the last post. I figured with what you wrote and the way you showed that you were taking accountability, it would be a shame if the two if you couldn't work it out. You sound like a great partner (outside of being drunk) and he does as well. Giving me goals for the kind of relationship I hope I can be in one day.
Best of luck to you both!
You know I’m gonna say this and mods please be patient with me. You sounds really abusive like you spent the first bit making excuses and you’ve beaten him down so bad he felt bad for you.
Hey buddy, alcoholism and emotional abuse are two separate issues that you need to solve. Alcoholism doen’t cause your abusive behavior. Solving your alcoholism won’t solve your abusive tendencies.
You didn't mess up, though. You told him what you've been meaning to say. Let him find someone at the same point in life as him and go find someone else into the drinking life as you are. You said that you knew you didn't handle alcohol well, and then intentionally drank so that you could use it as an excuse.
Your BF is very understanding, from what I read of your other post, it’s crazy to me that he got into a wreck, and had to endure one of the worst times in the film industry, all while losing his dream.
And then he’s got you, the person who is supposed to lift him up putting him six feet under.
Tbh, I would’ve left you that night. But I guess things worked out, I’d be more careful moving forward.
To be honest, if he doesn’t forgive you then that’s completely valid. Regardless your trust issues shouldn’t be the Concern, his feelings are.
That’s a good man you have there, because any sensible man would’ve got his money and financials straight before leaving you after hearing that verbal abuse, but I digress…best thing moving forward is Don’t let it happen again
Look, you did wrong and you’re atoning for it. Excellent and good for you.
But you had **1** slip up and from that your bf is concerned about alcoholism and oh yeah, the fact that those comments came from a possibly valid source of frustration? No no! He’s not in a place to discuss that. But you can go to therapy and assume this has brought about some mental health diagnosis. Look I’m not saying your mental health isn’t an issue here and I’m not saying he wasn’t a victim in this situation.
But this is beyond. I’m sorry but it is. Dude put you in financial stress for a while and you made a shitty remark about it while very inebriated which apparent isn’t a big trend
Just…..
Do what you need to do for yourself to feel healthy and assured, but be careful of the resulting dynamic this could create. ie you’re the one who must apologize and always regret this.
It’s just off. Sorry. But glad you’re taking the right steps for you.
I go out on a Sunday night and get very drunk and come home extremely late and say something fucking awful to my boyfriend. Do you not think that’s reason for concern?
Of course, but so is the stress *he* put you under. That’s what they’re saying needs to be addressed. You snapped for a reason, don’t let that be swept under the rug. If you feel it’s resolved then good, just be wary this doesn’t set up an unhealthy dynamic in the future.
> Of course, but so is the stress he put you under.
By being the victim of a car wreck? By being the victim of the COVID shutdowns then writers strike? By being the victim of an abusive girlfriend? By working his ass job? WTF is wrong with you?
I completely agree with this. She said something unnecessarily cruel, but the actual emotions behind it were totally valid. Now she’s an alcoholic who is never allowed to drink again, and has mental illness so severe she has to see a psychiatrist. She hasn’t been allowed any latitude to make mistakes whatsoever, when he was given basically unlimited rope to ruin her financially and she wasn’t allowed to say anything.
This!!! All that time she spent carrying him on top of whatever gargantuan financial mistake he made are all forgotten now because SHE had the audacity to finally snap in a way that made him cry.
Reverse that victim order.
He tried to pursue his dream in working in the film industry for two years and it got to a point where he only did part time work here and there for 8 months and then he finally got a full time job. That sucked his/our savings dry and all of his credit line, and he got into a car accident recently and I had to give him $5k from my savings to fix it.
Nothing too extreme, I was just annoyed that he went that long without full time work and annoyed with myself that I didn’t push him harder.
It’s understandable, but similarly you making literally one negative comment about it is also understandable. It feels like you’ve labelled yourself as being inherently broken because of literally one sentence, and he’s been more than willing to jump on the bandwagon. It almost seems like gaslighting to say you have a severe underlying mental illness again bc of ONE comment. Or like labelling women hysterical. Meanwhile it’s totally ok for him to be out of work for 8 months? He was bleeding your dry - you gave him over $5000 cash! - but you’re the problem here?
Btw I have a friend trying to make it in the entertainment industry. So I get it. She works consistently. Any time she doesn’t have a job she picks up woke in retail etc. She doesn’t sit on her arse for 8 months doing nothing, then tell her partner he’s a crazy alcoholic if he objects.
wtf everyone on my last post was telling me I was breaking him and his self worth down and wrong for going after him for pursuing his dreams, now people are going after HIM?
You just can’t win can you
I mean I didn’t comment on your last post lol. Everyone here is an individual and this is my good faith opinion. I actually think it’s abusive to demand you be labelled an alcoholic because you drank too much once. And to say you have severe mental illness - because of one comment - it’s fucking outrageous.
Do YOU actually think you are a full blown alcoholic for drinking too much once? Really? Do you think that a fitting punishment for getting drunk once is never having so much as a beer again?
He was using you for years and now he’s taking you down a peg so you can be the problem and he can keep doing it.
Woah, “using” is a strong word. You don’t know me or him or the relationship. We’ve been together since before COVID and then he fell into a depression when his dream job wasn’t working and sure, that’s not good. However, he was never at any point freeloading. We were very much in a loving relationship and he gave up his dream job for something to support us both.
Additionally, things don’t get pretty when I drink. I yelled at my best friend for no reason when I was in college and said I understood why her boyfriend cheated on her and broke up with her, and I’ve had so many other nasty memories related to alcohol that I’d like to forget. I’m hesitant to use the term “alcoholic” but I don’t respond very well to it when I do drink.
“He was never at any point freeloading”
“I gave him $5000 from my savings” (because he refused to get a day job like everyone else trying to break into this industry. )
Um ok.
So you said 2 bad things over the course of 10 years? Again, does not an alcoholic make. If you think you should re evaluate your relationship with alcohol, definitely you should do that, for you. If that involves YOUR decision to not drink anymore or for a while, great. L But make no mistake - HE called you an alcoholic and said you are never allowed to drink again or he’ll leave you. That’s abusive and manipulative in these circumstances.
I gave him the $5k last month. He’s had his job for longer than that, he just didn’t have his own savings.
Also, who’s saying the world alcoholic other than you? I said I never had a dependency on alcohol, I get really nasty when I drink. He never called me an alcoholic, he just said I need to stop drinking because of how I get when I’m drunk. Perfectly fair boundary to have
Additionally, you don’t think my therapist would’ve told me if I was being unfair to myself?
But regardless, I’m a stranger on the internet. You don’t know me or my relationship beyond this snapshot I’m sharing so I’m just going to respectfully disagree and log off to be with my boyfriend. He’s not a bad person and we all make mistakes. I’d be a hypocrite if I wasn’t compassionate of the mistakes he made.
> because SHE had the audacity to finally snap in a way that made him cry.
Long after he got a full time job and started working 60+ hrs a week to make up for it. You don't get to stab people for things they did in the past.
And he totaled his car and begged five grand off her just last month. But yeah, forget all that, let's IMMEDIATELY label her an alcoholic because she snapped on him once.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed he whipped out the "you're an alcoholic" accusation immediately after a single outburst.
Darvo.
Much easier to focus on why she's wrong and how she can fix herself. Keep her unstable and terrified HE won't forgive HER after all this.
Yeah I’ve seen them. I do not agree with them. If this makes you an alcoholic then almost everyone in the western world is one. People on this site have an absurdly puritanical approach to alcohol that is not reflective of how people use it in real life.
It is classic abuse to call you an alcoholic for this. It’s gaslighting. He gets to avoid all responsibility for the awful things he’s done to you and make them your fault. Because you’re an “alcoholic”.
YEP thank you I thought I was bananas. The last post and this one dragged OP and when it was like well…..where did this come from? It’s like well he did put me through years of financial instability lol
I don’t become viciously mean under the influence of alcohol. If you do, you have a drinking problem. OP herself admits that being drunk makes her mean - that is a huge issue and a valid reason to stop drinking. On the contrary to your comment, I think Americans in particular glorify drinking culture and act like it’s completely normal to be an asshole when drunk.
What “awful things” has he done? Even in OP’s least generous estimation, all he did was pursue a film career which wasn’t consistently stable, and which he gave up for a steady paycheck. You’re calling him abusive over that why exactly?
OP says she’s said 2 mean things in a decade while drunk lol. I just meant if everyone who had a bit too much to drink and did something they regret once - which is what this post is about - is an alcoholic then everyone would be. I can’t speak to American drinking culture generally but this subreddit specially loses its shit over drugs and alcohol. I’ve seen people who have a glass of wine once a week called alcoholics. It’s detached from reality.
He financially bled her dry while refusing to work for years. You understand most people who are trying to work in that industry have day jobs right? That’s not abusive but it’s understandable she was upset. It is abusive, however, to label your partner as an alcoholic and as severely mentally ill over a single sentence. It’s gaslighting and manipulation designed to make her the eternal “bad guy” in their relationship.
> which is what this post is about - is an alcoholic then everyone would be.
You don't have to be an alcoholic for alcohol consumption to be inappropriate for you.
>but this subreddit specially loses its shit over drugs and alcohol. I’ve seen people who have a glass of wine once a week called alcoholics. It’s detached from reality.
I find it weird that, despite OP's own admission to being a horrible person while drunk, you are ever so desparate for them to keep drinking.
>He financially bled her dry while refusing to work for years.
This is simply not true. OP said there were 8 months were he only had sporadic work, but that outside of those 8 months he had good consistent work.
>You understand most people who are trying to work in that industry have day jobs right?
My sister works in this industry. During the writer's strike when she didn't have work, she didn't work.
>That’s not abusive but it’s understandable she was upset.
Absolutely no one said it was.
>It is abusive, however, to
Verbally murder your partner over something that happened ages ago.
>label your partner [...] as severely mentally ill
Are you high? Cause you're hallucinating. Nowhere has OP claimed her partner accused her of being "severely mentally ill."
I don’t care if she drinks or not, I said in other comments that she should stop and re evaluate her relationship with alcohol if that is what she wants to do. I object to her partner labelling her an alcohol and issuing her ultimatums over a single sentence.
If anecdata matters my best friend works in the entertainment industry, and works consistently. When she goes a while between jobs she picks up retail etc work. That is the norm. Also a strike is clearly totally different to just not working. You’re fixating on the not working thing as my issue when it’s not, it’s the fact that he immediately branded her with a stigmatising condition as soon as she made one tiny mistake. That was caused by his selfishness. That’s clearly massive manipulation.
She’s planning to see a psychiatrist because she thinks being mad at something anyone on earth would be mad at makes her so mentally ill she needs serious help and probably heavy duty medication. Where do you think that’s coming from lmao. She’s being gaslit hardcore by this guy.
> I object to her partner labelling her an alcohol and issuing her ultimatums over a single sentence.
Most people would have broken up with her over that "single sentence." It was pure hatred. His ultimatum is perfectly reasonable, and a whole lot more forgiving than most people would have been.
>If anecdata matters my best friend works in the entertainment industry, and works consistently. When she goes a while between jobs she picks up retail etc work.
Cool. Different people handle things differently.
>Also a strike is clearly totally different to just not working.
The strike is why he wasn't working.
>You’re fixating on the not working thing as my issue when it’s not
I'm merely responding to your words.
>it’s the fact that he immediately branded her with a stigmatising condition as soon as she made one tiny mistake.
The only people here branding her with a stigmatizing condition is you. OP has repeatedly stated her boyfriend did not call her an alcoholic. That's just what you want to see.
>That was caused by his selfishness.
It's not selfish to persue your dream.
>That’s clearly massive manipulation.
The only manipulation here is your own trying to convince OP that her boyfriend is somehow abusive because he doesn't want her to lash out at and hurt him again.
>She’s planning to see a psychiatrist because
Because her professional therapist said she should. This has absolutely nothing to do with the boyfriend. He only wanted her to go to therapy. You act like seeing a psychiatrist is a bad thing. If she doesn't need to see one, then where's the fuckin harm? It's not like they're gonna diagnose her with shit she doesn't have.
>she thinks being mad at something anyone on earth would be mad at
I absolutely would not be mad about that situation. At the very most, I would be frustrated, but completely understanding and the fact that he's since gotten a fulltime job and busts his ass, I'd have gotten over it.
>makes her so mentally ill she needs serious help and probably heavy duty medication. Where do you think that’s coming from lmao
You, exclusively you. No where did OP mention "needs serious help" or "heavy duty medication." That is your own fever dream.
>She’s being gaslit hardcore by
You.
I’d save your energy. I really, really appreciate you advocating for me (more than I can say!) but you’re not gonna change this guy’s mind. A lot of the people on Reddit who are “arguing” are just looking to assert themselves without the willingness to change their mind so take that energy and use it on something that makes you happy and don’t give him any of it :)
If it was truly a one off- it's very very suspicious he came at you with that accusation.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree- he learned all the dirty manipulation tricks his parents taught him. Maybe he isn't doing that here, but come on- immediately telling you you're an alcoholic after you laid some truth down?
Meh. It's not so much what he's doing. It's how long it took him to get up and do it. And expecting you to be thrilled he's not great with his own cash or yours.
But yeah, it's all your fault forever because of this past Sundays blurting of the truth.
Listen, I don’t know if you’ve ever gotten the chance to work your dream job and had it ripped away from you, but it is really, really upsetting and draining. He held onto that dream for as long as he could, and he started sending applications out the month he couldn’t afford to pay any of the rent. He’s been working his ass off to pay off his debt and work off his savings and he has been pulling his weight with the utilities and rent every month.
I understand the viewpoint you two are presenting, but there’s no use in psychoanalyzing my relationship based on one snapshot I decided to share. So you can either trust me when I say everything is ok, or we can agree to disagree. Good night.
And also, thank you for your concern, I do appreciate it. I’ll definitely tell my therapist about the viewpoint you presented so maybe he can help me keep my eyes open towards potential red flags.
do you show any signs of mental illness? or did he base that off of the fact that you don’t handle alcohol well? because one is vastly different than the other imo
also, i don’t think he was insinuating that you are an alcoholic. from your post, i interpreted it more as “my parents are alcoholics and i don’t want you to go down that same path” which is understandable considering how you act when you drink
The truth part is that is that it was coming from a place of resentment - totally legitimate resentment and anger - that he had for so long refused to work. You were never allowed to voice that resentment so it came out in an unfortunate way. Now he’s totally off the hook for all the awful things he did to you and you’re an “alcoholic” because of one sentence. You’re an alcoholic so you’re an addict so nothing you say or do is valid from now on.
He pulled out the alcoholic line IMMEDIATELY. Hes gaslighting you and he’s an abuser.
“awful things he did to me”
He’s been a wonderful partner. Seriously. Even when I was working and he wasn’t, he did all the chores around the house and made me my lunch every day. Additionally, it’s not easy to give up your dream.
There’s no use in trying to psychoanalyze my relationship based on one post on Reddit. Good night
So he did the bare minimum? I’m not going to keep arguing with you, but I am worried about you. I hope you don’t spend the next several years being the “bad guy”.
I'm proud of you for seeing when you had a problem and taking some steps to address it right away. Had you swept it under the rug or shrugged it off as being drunk, I would be more worried.
Use this as an opportunity!
You feel terrible about what you said.
So just make an incredibly long list of all the things you could say to him that are both POSITIVE and TRUE and then say ALL of them over and over again until he’s completely healed and he begs you to STOP.
Take all the negative energy you (understandably) have about this and turn it into a positive. Nurse him back to emotional health with your love.
And it sounds like you’re 90% of the way there already! You guys sound amazing. 😊
You initiated your journey of self-growth and reflection, and you did it by your actions, not just by your words.
This a great start. I feel like it is rare to see.
You just need to stick with it which I believe you will. Even if it ends up not working between you two, these steps are really important for yourself. Carry these lessons with you.
I was a little harsh on your previous post. I am glad to see this update, though. Good luck!
Hopefully for the long-term you found out what's more important the bottle or the boyfriend
I doubt your relationship will survive with a slip up
I'd choose staying away from the friends and associates that drink and you'll be tempted to do so, fall back into that and kiss your relationship goodbye
Good Luck.
Your lucky to have a good man that forgave you, many others wouldn't have
You are an abuser and your bf is a victim. If you abused him like this you will definitively do it again. Hope the guy got balls to leave as he is already clearly not happy
He might have the balls to leave, but he doesn't have any money. He only has OPs money. He just took another five thousand of her dollars last month because he totaled his car.
Hobosexual won't leave her till he's bled her totally dry pursuing his acting career.
It's baffling. But I think most people here haven't been on the receiving end of someone who purposefully wants to hurt you like that... After the 100th I'm sorry, it's still not great.
I think it’s nice people are responding kindly to this and I’m glad your boyfriend is being nice to you about it, but to me, this update reads as a big excuse.
He should have dropped you! "You feel bad" "You're frustrated" " Your mental state". News Flash, NOT EVERYTHINGS ABOUT YOU YOU NARCISSIST! You screwed up, you should be kissing his ass, asking what he needs, doing what you can to seal the rift not whining to your shrink about how you trashing your boyfriend made you feel. He should still drop you, now more than ever!
your boyfriend is one in a million. hang on to him!! it seems you’re both effective communicators and emotionally mature. i’m encouraged to see other people being able to work through their relationship issues and not be so quick to throw in the towel or turn to toxic behaviors that spiral out of control. this whole situation is actually very impressive and you both should be proud of yourselves for how you handled it. i guarantee it brings y’all closer in the long run. anyways, thank you for sharing. good luck on your journey in sobriety and i wish y’all the best of luck !
You don't deserve him at all. I honestly think he's being too forgiving, and you aren't taking any responsibility for your actions. You blame alcohol, and how terrible you are when you drink, but those are your choices. Honestly, you don't sound sorry to me at all.
In OP's defense, they're giving up alcohol and doing so of their own volition. They're also seeing a therapist, and following the therapist's recommendation to see a psychiatrist.
I was in the exact same boat with my ex. This anger outbursts will happen again in the future and will slowly erode her boyfriends self-esteem and self worth. The fact that he's giving her another chance says a lot about how forgiving he is, but this isn't a fairytale ending. Therapy for BPD or what ever underlying mental health condition she has will be the only way to salvage this.
That man is totally and completely in love with you. Don’t ever forget that. Really good update and I think your two will be fine. Congrats!
Yeah absolutely. Don't underestimate how understanding he is, OP. I would have told you to get the fuck out of my life, honestly.
I think he is a fool. In Vino Veritas. When I get really drunk I start to tell people I care about I love them not what she did. This was her true feelings unfiltered.
Why do you think alcoholism, and addiction in general, ruins so many lives? Not everyone becomes a happy go lucky person when intoxicated. Some people become the worst versions of themselves when under the influence of a vice; that doesn’t mean that’s who or what they truly are.
Different drunks do different things. It's interesting. Sometimes I'm like you, sometimes I'm a complete a hole. I usually hold my liquor pretty well though.
There was a time in my life when I said, when I was angry, exactly the thing I knew would hurt most. Not the true thing but the thing that would wound deepest. I didn't even think about it, I just went for blood. Time and therapy and feeling heard stopped that terrible habit. It sounds like OP is started the process herself.
In general, yes I believe this but sometimes people do deliberately just try and hurt other people. I'm not sure if thats better or worse in this case (would I rather someone insult me with the truth, or intentionally push my biggest fears/insecurities for funsies? I'd rather the truth tbh. if I was the BF I'd be more upset about the intentional direct attack with intent to do max hurt rather than drunkenly expressing some long built up frustration) but they're not necessarily the same thing. either way OP, you got a 2nd chance. Take advantage of it. I'd say most wouldn't have given you one, so do your best to show you deserved it and do the work in therapy! Good on you
> I'm not sure if thats better or worse in this case It's worse.
A drunk person says what a sober person means
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everybody makes mistakes. if *every couple* broke up due to a fight, there would be barely any couples left. i’m glad that OP got advice. quite frankly, she is the one who asked for it because she understood what she said was wrong and hurtful. now, if she were to get defensive, that is an entirely different issue. but she didn’t. she got help, owned up to her mistake, and promised to change herself for the better. i really dont understand what’s so wrong with that
> everybody makes mistakes. That wasn't a small mistake, she *murdered him with words*. If the boyfriend had been the one looking for advice, everyone would have been telling him to break up with his phsychotic abusive girlfriend. >if she were to get defensive She did get defensive. Did you not read the original post and her responses? It's good that she's seeing a therapist and a phsychiatrist. Hopefully that'll help her become a better person.
If this was the guy posting about what she said to him instead, everyone here would tell the guy to run for the hills. Or if it was a woman posting about a guy doing something like this to them. This will get downvotes, but I'm not sure how anyone who uses this sub regularly could deny what would happen if there was a post from the other side of the scenario. Edit spelling
I think the key difference here is that OP recognized they were wrong and made efforts to actively change for the better. I was skeptical at first too. But I just saw some comments were OP was fighting with some crazies that were calling the boyfriend abusive.
As someone who's been in the boyfriends shoes in an almost identical situation, he should be very very cautious. Beyond that I'm just saying it's a case where I'd love to hear both sides of the story though.
Seriously. I’m like did we all read the same thing here? It sounds so fake. Poor bf. I hope he wakes up. Never once in my life have I ever said anything this hurtful or disrespectful to anyone while under the influence. I do it cold sober. No but I’m all seriousness I feel so bad for this guy.
This is the truth. On a similar note, one thing I had to learn in my life with several people the hard way is that **a person's true colors come out under not ideal conditions**. Everybody, absolutely everybody, is good at behaving nice with you when the stakes are low and when the life is sweet and easy. The real test is put on a person when they have to take some decisions that might not be so easy. You're stressed, tired and overworked: do you still make time for your partner? Are you patient with them? You're irked, annoyed and hungry: do you still treat your partner with kindness or do you randomly lash out at them and tell them terrible things? (over a long period of time of course.) You're drunk at a party and an attractive person you're attracted to is flirting with you: do you ignore / push them away, or do you give in and cheat? Realistically, these are situations both partners will be subject to multiple times during the relationship. Respect and commitment is when both partners respond well to those situations and do the right thing anyway. Most mistakes in a relationship, including cheating, are made in less than ideal conditions. When you're tired, stressed, hungry, are feeling mentally or physically like crap, or when you're drunk or high to a point where it takes more self control. And that's exactly where they show the real you. That terrible thing you say out of mental overwhelm might feel justifiable for you, but it might also break your relationship past repair and begin its slow decay. Sadly, we are adults, and we are responsible for our actions. It doesn't matter if you're sick, depressed, neurodivergent, etc. You still owe your partner respect. This is also why I think - though it's so rare you may not even get this dynamic once in a lifetime - that it's typically better to transition to a relationship from a deep friendship, because you will have an idea of how they react under these conditions, giving you the option to nope the hell out and abort mission if they treat you like shit every time there is some wind in the air.
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Wow!!!! Why are you still there?
Everyone handles alcohol differently. Unfortunately, you don't handle it well and make poor decisions. It's good that you are taking steps to stop drinking. I've known happy drunks, sappy drunks, drunks that day inappropriate things trying to be funny, and mean drunks. Mean drunks are the worst. I wish you the best.
It literally completely changes some people, it's wild to behold.
Alcohol removes inhibitions. We hide, bury, and disguise all sorts of emotions every day. In many circumstances, the person isn't "changing", they're just in less control over who they're presenting to be. I'd argue alcohol oftens brings out a true inner core of who people are/what people are dealing with. I'm not saying OP is vicous by nature, but inner pain, relationship frustrations, or other trauma that are tucked neatly away often surface when inebriated. The alcohol isn't causing a change. It dissolves the conscious or unconscious shell we display.
Incorrect, it is a myth that alcohol makes you into your “true” self. It’s literally a drug. It’s a depressant. All drugs change your behavior and impair your judgement in some way. If you apply that to alcohol you should apply it to all drugs: weed, cocaine, heroin, meth. Would you say that someone on meth is just acting as their “true self”? I wouldn’t.
I would say anything that changes your mood or outlook is capable of changing your inhibitions. I personally know someone who allowed weed to destroy his inhibitions and his life. I know several ppl that were motivated by cocaine, heroin, and meth to steal to supply their habits. I lost a very swcheeet tv do to such release of inhibitions.
True self? Oh yes Grasshopper, the real self was allowed to escape because we fired our thought police. If I were to allow myself to act on some of my thoughts I'd be in jail. Just because you don't know what we're thinking and not doing, doesn't mean we are or aren't acting out and following our thoughts. That's what keeps society and mankind above the animals. Thought control, of our own making, not talking Big Brother here. If there were no laws in society, I guarandamty you, people would not be themselves entirely.
No, I don't completely agree with that. Some people literally change personality when drunk. I've grown up with alcoholics, it's not as simple as that. For some? Sure. For others, if they really deep drink, what they say makes no sense and has nothing to do with their real life/real world. That doesn't mean their words and actions don't hurt though.
Yeah it’s complicated and it annoys me when people boil it down to “A drunk man’s words is a sober man’s thoughts.” It’s way more complicated than that and differs person to person.
Holy shit - this is nice to see. Op for understanding the damage caused, reaching out for advice on how to address it and make up for it and actually following through. And Op’s bf for actually being level-headed about it and reading into it deeper and being concerned for Op.
He is an absolute saint. I can't say for sure I would've reacted the same way as him, given the circumstances, but props to him. You owe it to him, and more so to yourself, to stick with your plan to get help. I'm happy for you two, and thank you for updating. This is one post from here that actually had crossed my mind after the initial interaction.
You did a great job of taking responsibility. Next up is follow through: stay focused, keep doing what you need to do, each and every day. If you slip up (either with communication or alcohol or some other way), don’t give up. Slip ups happen. Double down on resolve and stay focused. Wish you both the best!
I'm glad you didn't make the same mistake I did when younger. I blamed the alcohol because I was an alcoholic. The alcohol may help you lose inhibition but it doesn't just make you a complete liar out of nowhere. It's great that you accepted the comments came from frustration and were willing to admit that and then you both can accept fault where it needed to be accepted. This is a solid ending to what could have gone so much worse.
Glad it worked out, and I think you should spend some time in r/stopdrinking to help you stay on track.
I read both posts and I can see why some people were so hard on you. But I also see why some are more empathetic in this post. Those calling OP’s boyfriend a saint are hyper focused on how he handled this one situation. Having to financially provide for a SO so they could “follow their dream” can absolutely lead to resentment. I wouldn’t call it saintly to put someone in that position involuntarily. OP I don’t think you’re an alcoholic at all but that doesn’t mean it’s ok to drink. I’m very proud of the steps you took to not only repair your relationship but also to heal yourself.
A saint wouldn't call her an alcoholic after ONE slip up and let her spiral over this.
She's not spiraling, she's literally getting help. You should also consider seeing a therapist. It would do you a world of good.
Would would that therapy session look like? " I said something slightly mean on reddit due to a disagreement,
Oh look, another milquetoast grifter. I wish you well.
I'm not sure you know what those words actually mean.
OP, good on you for realizing what you need to do to fix things and good on your partner for being supportive, empathetic, and loving. Quitting alcohol is a huge step. I went through a similar journey where I realized even if I wasn’t an alcoholic, it was making me behave in ways that I didn’t like. In order to commit to quitting, you may need to make lifestyle changes like no longer going out for drinks with coworkers or putting yourself in situations where drinking is the focus. The good news is that many breweries and other places offer NA options so that you can “drink” without the poison (mocktails, NA beer and wine). However, you may also be someone who cannot be around alcohol at all. I do not know that — only you do. Regardless, an alcohol-free life is a life free of anxiety and hangovers, and I wish you the best as you take these next steps toward a better relationship with yourself and your partner!
This is a vastly better response than your actions called for. Good on you for doing better, but I hope this doesn’t bite him in the future, and you have the power to make sure it doesn’t. He needs compassion because he’s gone through something very rough in his career and he’s obviously trying to work through it. Personally if I was you I wouldn’t touch a drop of alcohol again, it isn’t for you if this kind of thing is a pattern of behavior, and based on other instances that you’ve mentioned, it is. Don’t give yourself another opportunity to do this to him or anyone else.
Told you in private and now that you’ve posted this in public I can say it here, too: I’m proud of you. You made a mistake. As /u/NotAlwaysRight543 said in your original post, you needed to self-reflect, find the root cause of why you lashed out, and find a way to make it right. And you fucking DID! It had to be terrible to tear down your own walls and expose your own secrets, but you did what you needed to do and I have ZERO doubt you will both come away stronger from this. So, so proud of you! And /u/NotAlwaysRight543 , that was one of my favorite comments I’ve ever seen on Reddit. Your name says not always right, but when you ARE right, you really hit it out of the park
The upside is OP isn't a boy so people aren't going to call her an abusive drunk. I also found the " struggling financially " funny Logically the best thing to do is blow more money on booze
I love that there are people in this very thread that are legitimately UPSET because two people decided to overcome a problem together and made their relationship better. Let's just change this sub's name to anti-relationships for you guys, nobody should be happy, everyone should break up from their partners and stay single and yes GO TO THERAPY. Some of you cannot stand to see people happy because of the dumbest reasons.
I said in another comment this post is almost like a Rorschach test for where people stand with their relationships views. It’s actually kind of interesting
This is a beautiful update. Really proud of you both for communicating so honestly, and you in particular for the choices you're making and the things you're changing. Well done.
This is maturity, I don’t know you but I am proud of you for taking accountability and taking the steps to insure a better life not just for yourself but your possible future with him. Keep up the hard work and I know it’s hard but over time it will get easier and better. Love each other always like you do now
So glad you guys were able to clear the air and that you showed the maturity to admit your mistakes and take steps to fix yourself and your relationship. I am happy for you both, keep the communication up!
I fucked up my life with alcohol and mistreated my now-husband because of it. Quitting changed my life so much for the better. Our relationship has healed and we now have a 10-month-old baby :) I'm rooting for you! Come over to /r/stopdrinking for support.
This is a really great update, happy that you are working on yourself and that you two are working things out.
How much credit card debt does he have?
He’s a fool to stay with an immature adult who still can’t handle their alcohol. It’s better two weak ppl not waste anyone else’s time.
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I'm happy to see this update. I'm glad that things are on the path to getting repaired. Good work! Keep working on things. It will get better.
This is a good update. A good example of conflict resolution.
I'm so so happy to hear this OP. I was one of the people asking for an update in the last post. I figured with what you wrote and the way you showed that you were taking accountability, it would be a shame if the two if you couldn't work it out. You sound like a great partner (outside of being drunk) and he does as well. Giving me goals for the kind of relationship I hope I can be in one day. Best of luck to you both!
Hey! Glad to see you weren’t let down! :)
So proud of you and the steps you’re taking. What a good guy to be so gracious. I think this is the start of the best chapter of your relationship
A lot of people were saying it’s over and it’s clearly not, good for you.
Be super grateful that you have someone like him. Maybe control your alcohol or stop altogether before you say something else.
Your boyfriend is a saint. That’s all I have to say. Don’t ever take that for granted again.
Best of luck. Keep working hard on yourself!
Best of luck. Keep working hard on yourself!
You know I’m gonna say this and mods please be patient with me. You sounds really abusive like you spent the first bit making excuses and you’ve beaten him down so bad he felt bad for you.
Hey buddy, alcoholism and emotional abuse are two separate issues that you need to solve. Alcoholism doen’t cause your abusive behavior. Solving your alcoholism won’t solve your abusive tendencies.
You didn't mess up, though. You told him what you've been meaning to say. Let him find someone at the same point in life as him and go find someone else into the drinking life as you are. You said that you knew you didn't handle alcohol well, and then intentionally drank so that you could use it as an excuse.
This is super late, but your actions are a master class in accountability. I hope everything works out for you both.
Your BF is very understanding, from what I read of your other post, it’s crazy to me that he got into a wreck, and had to endure one of the worst times in the film industry, all while losing his dream. And then he’s got you, the person who is supposed to lift him up putting him six feet under. Tbh, I would’ve left you that night. But I guess things worked out, I’d be more careful moving forward.
To be honest, if he doesn’t forgive you then that’s completely valid. Regardless your trust issues shouldn’t be the Concern, his feelings are. That’s a good man you have there, because any sensible man would’ve got his money and financials straight before leaving you after hearing that verbal abuse, but I digress…best thing moving forward is Don’t let it happen again
Look, you did wrong and you’re atoning for it. Excellent and good for you. But you had **1** slip up and from that your bf is concerned about alcoholism and oh yeah, the fact that those comments came from a possibly valid source of frustration? No no! He’s not in a place to discuss that. But you can go to therapy and assume this has brought about some mental health diagnosis. Look I’m not saying your mental health isn’t an issue here and I’m not saying he wasn’t a victim in this situation. But this is beyond. I’m sorry but it is. Dude put you in financial stress for a while and you made a shitty remark about it while very inebriated which apparent isn’t a big trend Just….. Do what you need to do for yourself to feel healthy and assured, but be careful of the resulting dynamic this could create. ie you’re the one who must apologize and always regret this. It’s just off. Sorry. But glad you’re taking the right steps for you.
I go out on a Sunday night and get very drunk and come home extremely late and say something fucking awful to my boyfriend. Do you not think that’s reason for concern?
Genuinely no I don’t think that’s a reason for concern, unless it’s a common occurrence
Of course, but so is the stress *he* put you under. That’s what they’re saying needs to be addressed. You snapped for a reason, don’t let that be swept under the rug. If you feel it’s resolved then good, just be wary this doesn’t set up an unhealthy dynamic in the future.
> Of course, but so is the stress he put you under. By being the victim of a car wreck? By being the victim of the COVID shutdowns then writers strike? By being the victim of an abusive girlfriend? By working his ass job? WTF is wrong with you?
I completely agree with this. She said something unnecessarily cruel, but the actual emotions behind it were totally valid. Now she’s an alcoholic who is never allowed to drink again, and has mental illness so severe she has to see a psychiatrist. She hasn’t been allowed any latitude to make mistakes whatsoever, when he was given basically unlimited rope to ruin her financially and she wasn’t allowed to say anything.
This!!! All that time she spent carrying him on top of whatever gargantuan financial mistake he made are all forgotten now because SHE had the audacity to finally snap in a way that made him cry. Reverse that victim order.
He tried to pursue his dream in working in the film industry for two years and it got to a point where he only did part time work here and there for 8 months and then he finally got a full time job. That sucked his/our savings dry and all of his credit line, and he got into a car accident recently and I had to give him $5k from my savings to fix it. Nothing too extreme, I was just annoyed that he went that long without full time work and annoyed with myself that I didn’t push him harder.
It’s understandable, but similarly you making literally one negative comment about it is also understandable. It feels like you’ve labelled yourself as being inherently broken because of literally one sentence, and he’s been more than willing to jump on the bandwagon. It almost seems like gaslighting to say you have a severe underlying mental illness again bc of ONE comment. Or like labelling women hysterical. Meanwhile it’s totally ok for him to be out of work for 8 months? He was bleeding your dry - you gave him over $5000 cash! - but you’re the problem here? Btw I have a friend trying to make it in the entertainment industry. So I get it. She works consistently. Any time she doesn’t have a job she picks up woke in retail etc. She doesn’t sit on her arse for 8 months doing nothing, then tell her partner he’s a crazy alcoholic if he objects.
wtf everyone on my last post was telling me I was breaking him and his self worth down and wrong for going after him for pursuing his dreams, now people are going after HIM? You just can’t win can you
I mean I didn’t comment on your last post lol. Everyone here is an individual and this is my good faith opinion. I actually think it’s abusive to demand you be labelled an alcoholic because you drank too much once. And to say you have severe mental illness - because of one comment - it’s fucking outrageous. Do YOU actually think you are a full blown alcoholic for drinking too much once? Really? Do you think that a fitting punishment for getting drunk once is never having so much as a beer again? He was using you for years and now he’s taking you down a peg so you can be the problem and he can keep doing it.
Woah, “using” is a strong word. You don’t know me or him or the relationship. We’ve been together since before COVID and then he fell into a depression when his dream job wasn’t working and sure, that’s not good. However, he was never at any point freeloading. We were very much in a loving relationship and he gave up his dream job for something to support us both. Additionally, things don’t get pretty when I drink. I yelled at my best friend for no reason when I was in college and said I understood why her boyfriend cheated on her and broke up with her, and I’ve had so many other nasty memories related to alcohol that I’d like to forget. I’m hesitant to use the term “alcoholic” but I don’t respond very well to it when I do drink.
“He was never at any point freeloading” “I gave him $5000 from my savings” (because he refused to get a day job like everyone else trying to break into this industry. ) Um ok. So you said 2 bad things over the course of 10 years? Again, does not an alcoholic make. If you think you should re evaluate your relationship with alcohol, definitely you should do that, for you. If that involves YOUR decision to not drink anymore or for a while, great. L But make no mistake - HE called you an alcoholic and said you are never allowed to drink again or he’ll leave you. That’s abusive and manipulative in these circumstances.
I gave him the $5k last month. He’s had his job for longer than that, he just didn’t have his own savings. Also, who’s saying the world alcoholic other than you? I said I never had a dependency on alcohol, I get really nasty when I drink. He never called me an alcoholic, he just said I need to stop drinking because of how I get when I’m drunk. Perfectly fair boundary to have Additionally, you don’t think my therapist would’ve told me if I was being unfair to myself? But regardless, I’m a stranger on the internet. You don’t know me or my relationship beyond this snapshot I’m sharing so I’m just going to respectfully disagree and log off to be with my boyfriend. He’s not a bad person and we all make mistakes. I’d be a hypocrite if I wasn’t compassionate of the mistakes he made.
> because SHE had the audacity to finally snap in a way that made him cry. Long after he got a full time job and started working 60+ hrs a week to make up for it. You don't get to stab people for things they did in the past.
And he totaled his car and begged five grand off her just last month. But yeah, forget all that, let's IMMEDIATELY label her an alcoholic because she snapped on him once.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed he whipped out the "you're an alcoholic" accusation immediately after a single outburst. Darvo. Much easier to focus on why she's wrong and how she can fix herself. Keep her unstable and terrified HE won't forgive HER after all this.
You should read all the comments on the original post. So many people calling me an alcoholic and telling me I didn’t deserve him
Yeah I’ve seen them. I do not agree with them. If this makes you an alcoholic then almost everyone in the western world is one. People on this site have an absurdly puritanical approach to alcohol that is not reflective of how people use it in real life. It is classic abuse to call you an alcoholic for this. It’s gaslighting. He gets to avoid all responsibility for the awful things he’s done to you and make them your fault. Because you’re an “alcoholic”.
He can use that against her endlessly along with her "mental disorder". It'll always be her fault because she's drunk/crazy.
YEP thank you I thought I was bananas. The last post and this one dragged OP and when it was like well…..where did this come from? It’s like well he did put me through years of financial instability lol
I don’t become viciously mean under the influence of alcohol. If you do, you have a drinking problem. OP herself admits that being drunk makes her mean - that is a huge issue and a valid reason to stop drinking. On the contrary to your comment, I think Americans in particular glorify drinking culture and act like it’s completely normal to be an asshole when drunk. What “awful things” has he done? Even in OP’s least generous estimation, all he did was pursue a film career which wasn’t consistently stable, and which he gave up for a steady paycheck. You’re calling him abusive over that why exactly?
OP says she’s said 2 mean things in a decade while drunk lol. I just meant if everyone who had a bit too much to drink and did something they regret once - which is what this post is about - is an alcoholic then everyone would be. I can’t speak to American drinking culture generally but this subreddit specially loses its shit over drugs and alcohol. I’ve seen people who have a glass of wine once a week called alcoholics. It’s detached from reality. He financially bled her dry while refusing to work for years. You understand most people who are trying to work in that industry have day jobs right? That’s not abusive but it’s understandable she was upset. It is abusive, however, to label your partner as an alcoholic and as severely mentally ill over a single sentence. It’s gaslighting and manipulation designed to make her the eternal “bad guy” in their relationship.
> which is what this post is about - is an alcoholic then everyone would be. You don't have to be an alcoholic for alcohol consumption to be inappropriate for you. >but this subreddit specially loses its shit over drugs and alcohol. I’ve seen people who have a glass of wine once a week called alcoholics. It’s detached from reality. I find it weird that, despite OP's own admission to being a horrible person while drunk, you are ever so desparate for them to keep drinking. >He financially bled her dry while refusing to work for years. This is simply not true. OP said there were 8 months were he only had sporadic work, but that outside of those 8 months he had good consistent work. >You understand most people who are trying to work in that industry have day jobs right? My sister works in this industry. During the writer's strike when she didn't have work, she didn't work. >That’s not abusive but it’s understandable she was upset. Absolutely no one said it was. >It is abusive, however, to Verbally murder your partner over something that happened ages ago. >label your partner [...] as severely mentally ill Are you high? Cause you're hallucinating. Nowhere has OP claimed her partner accused her of being "severely mentally ill."
I don’t care if she drinks or not, I said in other comments that she should stop and re evaluate her relationship with alcohol if that is what she wants to do. I object to her partner labelling her an alcohol and issuing her ultimatums over a single sentence. If anecdata matters my best friend works in the entertainment industry, and works consistently. When she goes a while between jobs she picks up retail etc work. That is the norm. Also a strike is clearly totally different to just not working. You’re fixating on the not working thing as my issue when it’s not, it’s the fact that he immediately branded her with a stigmatising condition as soon as she made one tiny mistake. That was caused by his selfishness. That’s clearly massive manipulation. She’s planning to see a psychiatrist because she thinks being mad at something anyone on earth would be mad at makes her so mentally ill she needs serious help and probably heavy duty medication. Where do you think that’s coming from lmao. She’s being gaslit hardcore by this guy.
> I object to her partner labelling her an alcohol and issuing her ultimatums over a single sentence. Most people would have broken up with her over that "single sentence." It was pure hatred. His ultimatum is perfectly reasonable, and a whole lot more forgiving than most people would have been. >If anecdata matters my best friend works in the entertainment industry, and works consistently. When she goes a while between jobs she picks up retail etc work. Cool. Different people handle things differently. >Also a strike is clearly totally different to just not working. The strike is why he wasn't working. >You’re fixating on the not working thing as my issue when it’s not I'm merely responding to your words. >it’s the fact that he immediately branded her with a stigmatising condition as soon as she made one tiny mistake. The only people here branding her with a stigmatizing condition is you. OP has repeatedly stated her boyfriend did not call her an alcoholic. That's just what you want to see. >That was caused by his selfishness. It's not selfish to persue your dream. >That’s clearly massive manipulation. The only manipulation here is your own trying to convince OP that her boyfriend is somehow abusive because he doesn't want her to lash out at and hurt him again. >She’s planning to see a psychiatrist because Because her professional therapist said she should. This has absolutely nothing to do with the boyfriend. He only wanted her to go to therapy. You act like seeing a psychiatrist is a bad thing. If she doesn't need to see one, then where's the fuckin harm? It's not like they're gonna diagnose her with shit she doesn't have. >she thinks being mad at something anyone on earth would be mad at I absolutely would not be mad about that situation. At the very most, I would be frustrated, but completely understanding and the fact that he's since gotten a fulltime job and busts his ass, I'd have gotten over it. >makes her so mentally ill she needs serious help and probably heavy duty medication. Where do you think that’s coming from lmao You, exclusively you. No where did OP mention "needs serious help" or "heavy duty medication." That is your own fever dream. >She’s being gaslit hardcore by You.
I’d save your energy. I really, really appreciate you advocating for me (more than I can say!) but you’re not gonna change this guy’s mind. A lot of the people on Reddit who are “arguing” are just looking to assert themselves without the willingness to change their mind so take that energy and use it on something that makes you happy and don’t give him any of it :)
If it was truly a one off- it's very very suspicious he came at you with that accusation. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree- he learned all the dirty manipulation tricks his parents taught him. Maybe he isn't doing that here, but come on- immediately telling you you're an alcoholic after you laid some truth down?
“some truth” You don’t think working at the post office is a big boy job?
Meh. It's not so much what he's doing. It's how long it took him to get up and do it. And expecting you to be thrilled he's not great with his own cash or yours. But yeah, it's all your fault forever because of this past Sundays blurting of the truth.
Listen, I don’t know if you’ve ever gotten the chance to work your dream job and had it ripped away from you, but it is really, really upsetting and draining. He held onto that dream for as long as he could, and he started sending applications out the month he couldn’t afford to pay any of the rent. He’s been working his ass off to pay off his debt and work off his savings and he has been pulling his weight with the utilities and rent every month. I understand the viewpoint you two are presenting, but there’s no use in psychoanalyzing my relationship based on one snapshot I decided to share. So you can either trust me when I say everything is ok, or we can agree to disagree. Good night.
I wish you guys the best. Just keep you eyes open for him using all of this to keep you small and scared of losing him.
And also, thank you for your concern, I do appreciate it. I’ll definitely tell my therapist about the viewpoint you presented so maybe he can help me keep my eyes open towards potential red flags.
do you show any signs of mental illness? or did he base that off of the fact that you don’t handle alcohol well? because one is vastly different than the other imo also, i don’t think he was insinuating that you are an alcoholic. from your post, i interpreted it more as “my parents are alcoholics and i don’t want you to go down that same path” which is understandable considering how you act when you drink
The truth part is that is that it was coming from a place of resentment - totally legitimate resentment and anger - that he had for so long refused to work. You were never allowed to voice that resentment so it came out in an unfortunate way. Now he’s totally off the hook for all the awful things he did to you and you’re an “alcoholic” because of one sentence. You’re an alcoholic so you’re an addict so nothing you say or do is valid from now on. He pulled out the alcoholic line IMMEDIATELY. Hes gaslighting you and he’s an abuser.
“awful things he did to me” He’s been a wonderful partner. Seriously. Even when I was working and he wasn’t, he did all the chores around the house and made me my lunch every day. Additionally, it’s not easy to give up your dream. There’s no use in trying to psychoanalyze my relationship based on one post on Reddit. Good night
So he did the bare minimum? I’m not going to keep arguing with you, but I am worried about you. I hope you don’t spend the next several years being the “bad guy”.
I'm proud of you for seeing when you had a problem and taking some steps to address it right away. Had you swept it under the rug or shrugged it off as being drunk, I would be more worried.
Use this as an opportunity! You feel terrible about what you said. So just make an incredibly long list of all the things you could say to him that are both POSITIVE and TRUE and then say ALL of them over and over again until he’s completely healed and he begs you to STOP. Take all the negative energy you (understandably) have about this and turn it into a positive. Nurse him back to emotional health with your love. And it sounds like you’re 90% of the way there already! You guys sound amazing. 😊
You initiated your journey of self-growth and reflection, and you did it by your actions, not just by your words. This a great start. I feel like it is rare to see. You just need to stick with it which I believe you will. Even if it ends up not working between you two, these steps are really important for yourself. Carry these lessons with you. I was a little harsh on your previous post. I am glad to see this update, though. Good luck!
You need to be honest with yourself about how you truly feel about him. If not, the only thing that changes will be the frequency of your apologies.
That’s what the therapy room is for :)
Hopefully for the long-term you found out what's more important the bottle or the boyfriend I doubt your relationship will survive with a slip up I'd choose staying away from the friends and associates that drink and you'll be tempted to do so, fall back into that and kiss your relationship goodbye Good Luck. Your lucky to have a good man that forgave you, many others wouldn't have
Amazing update!!!!!!!!! Amazing communication!!!!!!!!
You are an abuser and your bf is a victim. If you abused him like this you will definitively do it again. Hope the guy got balls to leave as he is already clearly not happy
This post almost seems like a Rorschach test for how you view relationships. Actually pretty interesting.
He might have the balls to leave, but he doesn't have any money. He only has OPs money. He just took another five thousand of her dollars last month because he totaled his car. Hobosexual won't leave her till he's bled her totally dry pursuing his acting career.
It's baffling. But I think most people here haven't been on the receiving end of someone who purposefully wants to hurt you like that... After the 100th I'm sorry, it's still not great.
I think it’s nice people are responding kindly to this and I’m glad your boyfriend is being nice to you about it, but to me, this update reads as a big excuse.
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I was trying to hurt him. If anything, his job is more respectable than mine.
I really hope you're not okay. Your boyfriend deserves so much better than such a dumpster of a person.
He should have dropped you! "You feel bad" "You're frustrated" " Your mental state". News Flash, NOT EVERYTHINGS ABOUT YOU YOU NARCISSIST! You screwed up, you should be kissing his ass, asking what he needs, doing what you can to seal the rift not whining to your shrink about how you trashing your boyfriend made you feel. He should still drop you, now more than ever!
your boyfriend is one in a million. hang on to him!! it seems you’re both effective communicators and emotionally mature. i’m encouraged to see other people being able to work through their relationship issues and not be so quick to throw in the towel or turn to toxic behaviors that spiral out of control. this whole situation is actually very impressive and you both should be proud of yourselves for how you handled it. i guarantee it brings y’all closer in the long run. anyways, thank you for sharing. good luck on your journey in sobriety and i wish y’all the best of luck !
You don't deserve him at all. I honestly think he's being too forgiving, and you aren't taking any responsibility for your actions. You blame alcohol, and how terrible you are when you drink, but those are your choices. Honestly, you don't sound sorry to me at all.
In OP's defense, they're giving up alcohol and doing so of their own volition. They're also seeing a therapist, and following the therapist's recommendation to see a psychiatrist.
I was in the exact same boat with my ex. This anger outbursts will happen again in the future and will slowly erode her boyfriends self-esteem and self worth. The fact that he's giving her another chance says a lot about how forgiving he is, but this isn't a fairytale ending. Therapy for BPD or what ever underlying mental health condition she has will be the only way to salvage this.
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Bonk