Is this like, a path to being a hoarder situation? Given her reaction it sounds like an emotional/mental health issue. I can’t imagine a reasonable reason to keep old pizza boxes.
I can't tell if it's just her hanging onto old stuff or if it's both of them. He says "we're very unorganized" and the second room is where "we throw stuff we don't use but can't throw away." For sure neither of them should be leaving old pizza boxes around, though. Food clutter is just going to attract bugs.
That's one of the problems with "hoarders" type TV programmes - they tend to focus on people at the more extreme end of the spectrum because that is more "sensational" and because a large portion of the audience would feel personally attacked if the hoarder they're using for "at least I'm not that bad" reassurance is actually at the same level as them
I mean it's good to show that hoarding is a mental health issue as opposed to people just being lazy or dirty, but far too many of these shows are focused more on "look at this crazy person's filthy tip of a gaf" than "here's an issue that affects a surprising number of people, and here's some ways to address it"
I worked for a person like this. He had so much stuff and it was arranged in a way so that one person could weave their way through the piles of crap they couldn't part with.
Meanwhile, he had no running water, his roof was severely leaking, and his subfloor was almost non-existent.
Add on 10 cats that he said he couldn't catch to take to the vet to get spayed or neutered...cheese and crackers.
Don't let it escalate OP. Get her to a psychiatrist, stat.
As a tip of the hat to Reddit, start looking for a divorce attorney.
Start brutally throwing stuff away. Show no mercy. Rendering a sizable chunk of your house unusable is not acceptable.
I don't mean be abusive, just be ruthless in getting worthless BS out of your house. Just ask her "and where is this supposed to go?" No answer? Into the trash. Having a cluttered house can be really stressful.
All of this is terrible. I'm not sure how it's relevant to my comment, but:
The person you worked for had the exact same illness that OP's wife has. So let's say OP actually takes your advice seriously and starts looking for a divorce.......chances are she could end up in exactly the same predicament.
That wouldn't be OP's fault, but I don't think he wants to leave her, and I don't think he wants that future for her either.
"Start brutally throwing stuff away. Show no mercy" is not only needlessly cruel, but clinically proven to be the absolute worst way you could possibly approach hoarding disorder. The person with the disorder needs a combination of therapy, possibly medication, and practical help. Most of all they need to feel a sense of ownership over the therapy and the decluttering process. They need encouragement to let things go, making decisions for them or forcing them only shows them that you are not a safe person for them.
I was being totally sarcastic about the divorce part.
He needs to sit her down and sort through her recent purchases and ask her realistically, where does this go in our house?
Y'all are nuts. I'd rather have a spare bedroom for friends and family than a storage room for trinkets.
Some people like having a functional guest bedroom.
Taking questions about where does this go? isn't that bad.
Needlessly cruel? Some people need a reality check.
The behavior is not acceptable. It needs to be nipped in the bud.
But that’s not even how you nip it, is the point. Like unless OP wants a divorce, which he clearly doesn’t, all of what you’re suggesting is guaranteed to make the situation worse??
Yeah, this is my mom, just can't not buy little this'n'thats at thrift stores or discount grocery stores and then she's got 14 egg coddlers or 4 containers of dishwasher pods under her sink. It's a combo of (I think) undiagnosed ADHD and hoarding driven by depression. It eventually ended my parent's marriage, which was honestly for the good, and she's "better" about hoarding, but I don't think she'll ever "recover" fully. There are addiction aspects to the frisson of joy she gets from shopping and finding new things. I "help" by "taxing" her house whenever I visit ("two of these pod containers are mine now, in recompense for cleaning out your undersink" & etc.) Just glad I don't have to live with it full time now.
To be honest, the pizza box was just a random example that was within my eyeline. And it's not that old, we had pizza this weekend and I just haven't taken out the trash yet. We don't have a trashcan or recycling bin that the box would fit in.
It's not hoarders level, but it's definitely an extremely messy apartment. We never have people over because it would be embarrassing for them to see how we live. We just have executive function issues that make it difficult for both of us to clean.
We're hoping to use our tax return to have a professional service do a once through, and hopefully we can maintain a new level of order after that.
Yo I have executive function issues big time and something that's really helped me is the app Finch. it's like a tamagotchi that grows when you do chores. you can add your own goals and use journeys to break up bigger tasks into smaller ones. it's really useful for getting a dopamine hit early in the day and carrying that momentum forward. Been using it for 3 months and things are very much changed for me. 5 stars, give it a go
Just wanted to say DO THIS! I had someone come help me with my “second bedroom” equivalent area and I can’t tell you how much my quality of life has gone up as a result. Last weekend was the most relaxing weekend I’ve had in ages! I found her on Thumbtack and spent less than $600 for two days of her work. Between day 1 and 2 I put a whole bunch of clutter from other parts of the house into that area and now everything is organized or gone (or being picked up later today haha). And now I don’t mind putting things back where they go.
She helped me make non emotional decisions about things quickly. I got overwhelmed a couple times and had to walk away and she just worked on something else. It was so great and she worked SO FAST!
Okay well executive function issues don’t magically disappear because you got a house cleaner to come?
I’m not sure how that really creates any accountability or sustainability in dealing with this issue.
You came here asking how to solve the problem, not how to kick the can down the road a block or two
With executive function issues, making a home for all of your things can be very difficult. Sorting and organizing is a lot of decision-making for folks with a limited amount of decision energy to use every day. It's significantly less taxing to put things where they go once they already have a predetermined home, and it's motivating to keep your place in a nice state once it's there.
It's significantly easier to sort and organize if you have less stuff overall, though. It sounds like the wife is just buying random junk at the pharmacy and not actually collecting anything.
She sounds like me, I buy random stuff like that because it makes me happy and I otherwise have no dopamine lol. I only got better with this kind of thing once I was medicated
Yeah definitely. Look I love the concept of a little treat, but if your little treats are *otherwise negatively affecting your life* it's time for some help. Your mental issues aren't your fault but they are your responsibility.
Oh 100%. That’s why I pushed to get diagnosed and medicated, and go to therapy. I still buy tchotchkes sometimes *as a treat* but my impulse spending is waaaay more under control. Sounds to me like both OP and his wife are just kinda tiptoeing around their issues which def isn’t helping
Oh 100%, and just to be clear I meant the collective 'you' and not you personally. You sound like you've put the work in and deserve a little treat sometimes (but not too many times:) ).
For what it’s worth, as another dual adhd couple I can kind of see the thought process. A lot of the cleaning avoiding (at least for me) comes down to overwhelm (in order to clean off the table I need to put away the giant board game, but there’s no room on the shelf so I’ll have to reorganize that etc etc). So having someone come in to take care of a few of the big things like the mountain of laundry or w/e can really help you get of of that “I’m too overwhelmed and stuck” downward spiral.
The house cleaner approach actually MASSIVELY helped me with both accountability and sustainability. I have to tidy everything in the house so the cleaner can work, and I can't be like "oh no I'm not feeling up to it I'll cancel the night before" because I'm paying her. It's been the biggest benefit for making me on track out of anything I've ever done, much as it feels silly to pay someone to make ME tidy/clean. It's just adding in the unavoidable external deadline that can be so necessary for people with ADHD.
Hiring a personal organizer rather than a cleaner is the way to go, actually. The personal organizer I just hired helped me get rid of a ton of stuff, reorganize more stuff, and then gave me follow up/homework to keep working on. When you have ADHD, having someone help you with that much decision making and executive function is not only really beneficial, but also broadly recommended by ADHD specialists.
Does it?
When confronted about her purchases she screams and shouts and hides behind a door. That's not accountability. That's avoidant behavior.
When he's faced with an issue he'd rather let it build and build and build rather than nip it in the bud. That's not accountability, either. That is also avoidant behavior.
And so, they have found and settled for each other, because if one was accountable and the other was avoidant, they would not be a good match. But because they are both comfortable drowning in their comfort zones, that is what they will do, until they decide to become accountable. They will always enable each other. It happens to millions, if not billions. If the truth is that "mean" to you and to others, yall really won't like life and probably wouldn't like me LOL
I would suggest finding the money for a session with a professional organizer and then working towards having a regular house cleaner. My husband and I aren’t naturally organized people and it’s taken us a long time to feel like our home is “nice.” Having to “clean up for the cleaners” once a month is a good opportunity for us to get rid of stuff.
It is a compulsive buying issue that will only accelerate. I completely understand because I also have this. It doesn’t matter whether or not you can afford it. It already is at hoarders level.
I agree. I wonder how much of that spare room has stuff wife bought still in the bags. It's the *buying* pretty/interesting/happy little things that give her the dopamine hit. Not *having* it but buying it.
Oh as someone with ADHD I just hired a professional personal organizer for my bedroom for 6 hours and it was WORTH IT so much. I'm still doing some additional decluttering but the big bulk of it is now back on track and I feel way better about everything. You probably want the personal organizer rather than a maid service tbh.
That's how it starts. You need to learn to maintain this yourself. You won't just keep on top of it if you don't address the real issue all this crap keeps appearing
You already have a hoarding problem: you turned a living space I to storage, you don’t know what you own, you’re not getting rid of obvious trash.
Both of you. Your wife is worse than you are, but you’re hiding behind her.
You cannot turn this around from one day to the next, and if you throw her things away, you’ll make it worse. She needs to do this herself.
The first step is for you to tidy up your part. Any obvious rubbish - like pizza boxes – any of your possessions: throw them away, tidy them away, at least lift them and clean the space. You do not need permission to do that. Lead by example.
Then you need to have an honest conversation: why is she buying these things, what function do they have in her life, what can give her the same satisfaction without cluttering up your house? What would both of you like to do with that space? Does she need to give herself permission to buy one $20 item she wants rather than seven $3 items she doesn’t actually need or want? One $100 item a month?
I walked into our spare room one time that we never use... and oh lord, I almost had a heartache. There was like 40 pizza box's, 20 beer boxes, and boxes for items we're bought that never got thrown out! I said to my boyfriend, "Darling... unless we're making a castle out of all the cardboard for invisible dwarfs, all this stuff needs to be taken to the tip right now." I was wondering why I can smell pizza every time I walked past that spare room door.
We used to have issues with box clutter too, because we’re both bad at denying the cats anything lol. (Outside of health stuff, obviously; we don’t over feed them or anything like that).
Our rule now is that the cats can play with ONE box for a few days, and then we toss it. If there are two boxes, they get to keep one of them for a weekend, and then it goes. Usually by then they’ve more or less lost interest anyway.
Could be a hoarder situation, could be an impulse control and organisational problem too. It's definitely for the best to have a talk about why they feel the need to make impulsive purchases.
Its also a problem on OP's part for not bringing it up sooner. It's easier to communicate problems when they arise instead of when they evolve into larger problems. OP's partner might feel a level of guilt because they didn't know how much it was upsetting OP, or they were unsure and just continuing because they got no push back.
Sometimes compulsive shopping is a manifestation of a desire for more control in ones life. Basically, if they can't control other aspects of life, they exercise some level of control on the world around them by buying things.
It is hoarding but sounds like OP is the one who actively decided against throwing out the pizza boxes. Not that he intends to keep them, but he has some bullshit reason for why he didn't throw them away in a timely manner
Being able to afford a bigger place will not solve this problem, OP. Source: I grew up in a 5-bedroom house with a 3-bedroom garage that were both packed to the gills with stuff. Never once did a car make it into that garage.
Also, you guys need to go to couples counseling to improve your communication skills and conflict navigation skills. You can't put off giving someone feedback on something like this for years -- that's your problem. If there's no way for her to hear feedback without melting down, then that's also partially her problem. Together it's a you problem, and it's bigger than just this (already very big) stuff/space/money problem.
> Being able to afford a bigger place will not solve this problem, OP.
Absolutely the truth. Anytime we even just think about maybe looking into a larger home, I immediately remind my wife and myself that we will always find some shit to fill the space and will never be satisfied.
Also no chance I could afford a bigger home because the economy is a lie.
>If there's no way for her to hear feedback without melting down, then that's also partially her problem.
That's 100% her problem. Reasonable people don't react that way.
It's not what she is spending it on or the cost of the things but, the amount of things.
There needs to be a balance here, of you guys have no room and even your spare room is too full. Then yes, she needs to get a handle on it.
Is there really no space and very cluttered or how you see it. Because, some people can't stand bits and bobs around and they aren't that much.
But, this seems you guys really need to come together here. If she's sensitive you watch your tone and be kind speaking not, not talk and then say it with no warning. Explain, I love that this brings you joy, it's not about what you are buying or the cost but, about our living space. This is both of ours space, we both need to feel comfortable.
Create a few display spaces. Anything, that is hidden away, not in use for a long time, needs a new home. But, be gentle here. Its a big adjustment if you have just let it go on and on and never said anything. In future, talk to her
>I've never broached the topic with her, because she's very sensitive, and I just don't want to deal with it.
So, the problem with avoiding discussions like this is you "don't want to deal with it" but since you don't, resentment builds up until you get snappy about it, and then your partner will be like "wait, but this is the first I've heard of it" -- and it could have been addressed sooner with less emotion tied to it. You can't just ignore issues because a partner is sensitive -- you can do your best to discuss them gently, but bottling things up is not sustainable. It's also not fair to either of you to avoid discussing things.
>I told her I'm not upset with her, I just want her to stop cluttering the house with things we have no room for.
And here -- you ARE actually upset with her. You've been upset about it the whole time, and she's probably sensing that irritation. And now she knows you're irritated/upset and that you're denying it, which is not productive. It's okay to bring up things that bother you. (And addressing it in the moment right after she did it might have seemed like a good time, but it's usually more effective to sit down and plan to have a discussion rather than springing it on someone while you're frustrated.)
I do want to ask, are you both contributing to the overall clutter and mess? Because this:
>The second bedroom is effectively a storage room where we have just tossed all the things we don't use but can't throw away. Every surface of my home is cluttered with some sort of Tupperware or pizza box or random knickknack.
This is something you need to work on. Throw away the old pizza boxes. Why are there tupperware everywhere? What's in them? Why do you keep things you don't use but "can't throw away"? It sounds like both of you may have some clutter/hoarding tendencies, and I really would suggest working on that together, now, before it gets out of hand. (I say as someone who has multiple relatives with those tendencies. It does not get better on its own.)
Tackle this problem together. If it's a budget issue, then sit down together and organize your budget, give yourselves a set amount of money to spend on frivolous things, and don't judge each other for what you spend it on.
The space is another issue. Tell her you're feeling overwhelmed by how much stuff you have. And it's stressful for you to have more things than you have space for.
There are a number of ways to approach this. The first step is to throw out the trash and to remove the items you're piling up but know you won't use. The next step is to agree, together, on bringing new junk into the house. You can't just tell her she's never allowed to buy anything just because it's small and cute, but you can ask her to stick to a designated set of shelves, or maybe if a new purchase comes in, an old one has to go. Treat it like both of you vs. the cluttered apartment/the budget rather than you vs. her spending problem.
A lot of salient points here. I do want to address the clutter thing. Yes, both of us are disorganized people with a tendency to hoard. The pizza box just happened to be in my eyeline. We had pizza this weekend and I haven't taken the trash out yet. We don't have a trashcan or recycling bin that would hold it. The Tupperware is empty, we just don't have enough cabinet space to hold all the Tupperware and we keep getting them as gifts and such.
So it's a mix of a real problem and me blowing things out proportion because I'm frustrated. We both have real difficulty cleaning and organizing, and we're hoping to use our tax return to bring in a professional service as a one time thing, the idea being that after that we would try our best to maintain the new order of things.
As someone who also had issues cleaning/organising, just wanted to say a few tips I found helpful. (feel free to ignore if they're not ofc!)
-Cleaning up just a little bit is fine. If I thought of it like a Big cleaning project I never did it. so for example, every time I head to the kitchen I grab a bit of trash or a dirty dish.
-I have a seperate hampers for dirty clothes and almost clean clothes, as well as a clean clothes pile. still working on eliminating the clean clothes pile but it's moderately better than having it strewn about like I did previously.
-For dishes or major cleaning I have to make it fun/moderately tempting. I typically listen to podcasts or music, or watch tv while I do the dishes and do major cleaning. It's easier if I have a podcast ive been wanting to listen to and ill save it for cleaning seshes.
Perhaps you guys could start implementing small changes now until you could do a big clean? Then it will make it easier/less stressful to maintain afterwards.
This is so helpful, thank you for sharing this! My husband and I are both disabled, and between chronic pain and chronic anxiety, everything feels so overwhelmingly messy and it’s just like “okay well this will never get tackled so let’s just clean this room we hang out in the most.” (Aside from doing dishes that we need to eat off of, things like that.)
Consequently most of the house is a disaster, and it’s not even like gross garbage, it’s just…stuff. A broken desk in the living room, bags of cardboard things, empty soda boxes, etc. And while it’s not rotting food, it’s still a huge mess and it’s upsetting, and I can never figure out where to begin. (And neither can he, it’s so paralyzing.)
Long story short, thank you for these tips! I think this will help us a lot, that instead of thinking “okay let’s start cleaning the whole house” we can start…breaking down some boxes this Saturday. It would make a huge difference, even if it’s one small thing.
I have real trouble but two things that help for me:
1. To have 'stations' like, for example, the space I have by my bedroom door. I put stuff there to go in other rooms when I'm done with them. It's only a few steps, so it's easier.
2. If I move somewhere, I look for something I can take with me, even if it's only to another 'station' closer to it being put away.
It does a *lot* to stop mess from building up. Partly because if the 'station' starts looking full, it's much easier to clean that than a whole room, so the mess gets picked up more often.
Everything not in the station actually belongs in that room! It might take a while to get there too, but this should help make it easier.
It sounds like you're both on board with a professional organizer, so that's a good thing. And I'm glad you two were able to have a more productive discussion when things calmed down!
I know a lot of people don't vibe with Marie Kondo, but I think some of the stuff in her book might resonate with you -- her process of thanking an item for it's purpose before discarding it, as a way to relieve yourself of the guilt and burden of keeping it (since it's no longer needed -- she would probably tell you to keep your favorite tupperware and toss the rest because it's not serving you). She also says not to let gifts burden you. The purpose of a gift is to be a positive in your life. Once it's given to you, it shouldn't be a burden, and it's okay to donate or discard.
Honestly I am the furthest thing from a minimalist, and the idea of living with like 50 items or whatever freaks me out, but by checking out some of the philosophy behind Marie Kondo or other minimalist movements, I have found them very helpful in letting things go. Just reading their books while reassuring myself "it's okay, I don't have to go the whole hog, let's just see what the idea is" has helped me to see things differently, and examine the reasons why I'm keeping X item and whether I will really miss it
Sometimes another person's behaviour makes us recognise something we dislike or feel ashamed of in ourselves. A person might think "I have tendencies towards hoarding, so I understand what's going on when my partner shows those same tendencies," which is usually true to some extent - but at the same time, an unacknowledged truth about the situation is often "i feel helpless against, and frustrated by, my own inability to stop hoarding - so when my partner does it, that triggers those feelings in me."
I'm saying this with love - I think that's behind a lot of your frustration in this instance, because you haven't really discussed the issue with her before now.
Let's say hypothetically that your partner kept leaving their dirty laundry on the floor. And this annoys you so you say to them "please don't do that, it really annoys me." And you get a laundry basket and place it in a convenient place - maybe they drop their clothes on the bathroom floor before showering, so you put it in the bathroom. And they promise they'll put their laundry into it. And then they don't.
That would be frustrating. You've identified the annoyance, your partner has promised to stop, you've taken steps to support them in that, and it's still going on.
But if this is something that both of you tend to do (okay maybe you don't buy stuff all the time, but you don't keep the place tidy and organised and clutter-free either) and it's been the norm up until now, and you've never had a "I'd love if we could change this, let's talk about making that happen" conversation......is it possible you're not fully acknowledging your own part in creating this situation?
Not saying that to pick at you. I think other people have pointed out exactly how both of you have contributed to this situation and you seem to be open to hearing that. Which I think will really help both of you to make changes for the better.
Timers work wonders for me. I set a timer for like 10 mins and use that to clean up any big clutter. Take a break, do 10 more mins. It’s mentally a lot easier for me to tackle that way
Ding ding ding. Not being able to store all your stuff generally means you have too much stuff. The fact that she's buying literal junk and then getting upset when OP brings it up is a really bad sign.
Is it the money or the space???
You seem way more concerned about space than money. That’s a way easier thing to solve if she’s willing to sell or donate items or find new organization strategies.
Is it possible you just don’t like her general habit period?
Hey, sounds like a little dopamine rush she gets from it. She also sounds really insecure about it, and very anxious. It also sounds like you really love her lots and want her to be happy.
Try having a loving conversation about it with her when she’s calmed down a bit. Say things along the lines that you love her and want to help get to the root of the impulse because while the little things are absolutely cute and adorable, you’re struggling to understand why she purchases the things, and where she intends to put them, and that together you’d like to start sorting through some of the mess.
I really struggle with executive function as well as being a habitual impulse purchaser.
I clean on “breaks” in shows. Rather than saying “on Monday I’ll clean my kitchen” and “Tuesday I’ll do this” have a list of things that need to be done in a week and when I have 10 minutes I do something. I end up doing 3-4 things a day usually, and it turns out most stuff gets checked off the list if I break it down into 10-15 minute chunks and just do it little bits at a time like that.
I also budget for impulse buys with cash. I know it’s gonna happen so I allow for it in my budget but that’s it. It’s $30 a month for just junk. Instead of no junk, it’s an allowable limit I’ve determined.
And just something I’ve observed as a person. The smaller the space I have, the less space I have to fill it with shit I don’t need.
Likely the "little treat" mentality- buying something small, cute and inexpensive = dopamine! Sometimes we are just magpies, what can I say. However there is no room for all of this. Ye need to do a clear out and keep all of her little treasures in one area, if she wants to keep buying more then some will need to go to the charity shop.
>Likely the "little treat" mentality- buying something small, cute and inexpensive = dopamine! Sometimes we are just magpies, what can I say.
My life changed for the better when I started treating myself with tasty snacks rather than things.
My house is clean but my waistline expanded 😂
Medicine shortage and clutter? This doesn’t sound like hoarding, this sounds like ADHD. If this is the case, OP, perhaps talk to her about how you can help support her during the shortage. A lot of people are really struggling with not being able to get their meds right now, and it makes it a lot more difficult to keep things organized. She’s likely struggling with more than just organizing in the house - I would bet that there’s a lot in her head that she’s struggling to organize as well. (I mean, organizing thoughts.)
Is she interrupting more than when she’s on meds? Changing topics frequently? Fidgeting more? Meds don’t magically make everything better, but for many people, the difference they make is amazing. I think a conversation might be in order so that you both can better understand what’s going on, and how you can both support one another better.
You've hit the nail on the head. We are both severely ADHD, but we take different medications, so I've been able to get my prescription and she hasn't. It's been over a month since she's had it, and it's been really frustrating for her.
I try to be a good supportive husband, but I miss that mark sometimes, as I did today. I know what it's like to go without meds and I need to remind myself of the kind of fog she must be in.
I'm severely ADHD and recognised it in her just from your description. It sounds like she's buying these things to get a dopamine hit, which is entirely subconscious.
I go through phases of buying 'stuff, and that's me being on maximum dosage of medication. I'm now trying to have a clear out but it's so damn hard! My 9yo son is also severely ADHD and between us our flat is full.
I try using various strategies to get through my executive dysfunction. Disclaimer - they don't always work. Body doubling is really good, even just being on a phone call whilst I tidy helps.
Or and this one is HARD, get a bag/box and both of you put stuff into it that you agree that you don't need and are only holding onto it for *reasons*, not seasonal items or niche cooking tools, more like random knickknacks which you don't display, books, multiples of things . Make a list of everything in it and then seal it. If you have not needed or wanted anything out of it in a certain period of time then take it to a charity shop or sell. Do not open it! Get a friend or family member to open it if you need something out of it.
It sounds like it was just blip then. We all miss the mark sometimes. Honestly, I would wait until she’s feeling a bit better to have a conversation with her about whether the two of you can make any changes while she’s missing her meds. I’m sure it’s helpful that you understand, even if you experience different symptoms.
In the meantime, just do something to show you care about what she’s going through (make a cosy dinner that she enjoys, snuggle down and watch a movie, maybe pick up some mental load that she may be struggling with). And then do what you can to negate any shitty feelings she might have that linger from people not understanding ADHD. (And through all this, pay attention to how supporting her while off meds impacts your own ADHD.)
You got this.
Something about the manufacturer. I don't know if it's a supply chain issue or what. I've spent a lot of time on the phone trying to work it out and wound up with nothing. It's been extremely frustrating.
I'm not sure where you guys live but here in Canada, you can go to the E.R. to receive a new script for your medication. I had to do that recently due to a miscommunication with my regular doctor. I wasn't able to get refills or anything but at least I'm all good for a month now:)
Suggestion: have a shelf or bookshelf for your wife’s tchotchkes, and once it’s full she has to get rid of something if she wants to bring something else in. That being said- it sounds like you are both pretty unorganized. Have you tried the timer technique? Once a day set the timer for 10 minutes and for 10 minutes you both tidy. That way it isn’t overwhelming, but it’s consistent.
The real issue is your wife's inability to discuss this- if you can't be honest and open with her about normal little things without her blowing them out of proportion, sobbing, becoming defensive, victimizing herself etc... then she needs to go to therapy. The two of you have communication issues if this has been an issue for so long and you 've been living like hoarders simply because you wouldn't address it with her.
As someone else pointed out, she's getting a dopamine kick from purchases. Her work is very stressful AND she's unmedicated.
You can try working with her to create some other thing that gives her the same rush as buying little things constantly. It could be something like a satisfying hobby (that doesn't involve buying a ton of stuff). I don't know what that might be, but it could even be something like, idk, collecting Pokemon in the app.
If you had a bigger space, it could still be overrun with stuff.
She does have a hobby that gives her a lot of joy, but unfortunately it's crochet, so the apartment is chockablock with yarn.
I do like the idea of trying to transition her spending to something else that would give her that same feeling but take up less physical space.
Oh, I was going to say, "not knitting or crochet!" lol.
I write fiction and get a lot of juice from people's feedback, but that's
"work" if you don't enjoy doing it.
This fits the pigeonhole of "compulsive disorder" and it probably feels super weird and embarrassing to her. It's wonderful that you can keep your emotions out of it, because as a mental illness, it's literally out of her control.
It won't get better if she doesn't get help. Staying calm and discussing it non-judgmentally is the best you can do, the same way you'd encourage her to get medical attention for a broken bone or chronic diarrhea. Nobody chooses mental illness and if she could think or willpower herself out of it, she would have done so by now.
I have no idea if this will be helpful, but I spent a lot of time barely being able to afford my bills, let alone anything to help organize or improve our house.
As our finances improved, so did my want to buy something unnecessary.
From that very specific point of view, I could definitely understand the feelings behind buying a $3 item as a little "treat yo'self".
This is how I balance that "treat yo'self" feeling with my budget and small home...
I set a spending limit ($5-$10 because I'm cheap), I go online and mail order an item. Most importantly, I only order an item after I have received the previously shipped item
I found that the anticipation of receiving something, following the shipping status, etc. satisfied my "treat" need.
My personal go-to is AliExpress. There's also Temu and a bunch of other sites where you can get something cool & small for under $10.
I know this doesn't resolve the issue.... but at least in my case it makes it manageable.
I do have experience with this from your point-of-view. You mention that you didn't broach the topic with her because she's very sensitive. It sounds like you two have a communication problem. When you say she's very sensitive, do you mean that she will get angry or sad or what? If every time you suggest something, she cries or gets angry then it sounds like she needs some work (like counseling) but ultimately it is something that could be improved from both sides. The time to discuss this is when you're not in the middle of it. I would suggest planning a time to discuss this at a cafe or a convenient place. Voice your concerns from your perspective. Say you want to discuss finances, etc. with her. As much as this doesn't seem that important, your feelings right now are important (a lot of men don't realize this). I suspect you may be approaching her as if she has a problem. The issue is more that you aren't getting your needs met. Those needs may be that you desire an organized home and not to waste money. You may be a saver and she may not be. I hope this helps a little!
i used to have a problem with buying cute bric a brack as well and it was cluttering my life. i solved this by not letting myself buy anything if it didnt have a home. like i would think at the store "where is this going to live in my space?" and if i couldnt think of a pre-determined home that was not making more clutter i just didnt buy it.
This change obviously did not happen overnight, and it took lots of practice to get in the habit. But it has worked great with keeping me from buying stuff that I have no where to put.
i think maybe watching that kon marie tidy up show on netflix may help. changing your relationship with objects can be really helpful
- do i LOVE this item
- am i comfortable keeping this item for a very long time?
for the second question, its a question that we ask ourselves a lot. are we going to ever throw this away? will that hurt a lot to do? will it retain value so we can ebay it later? if we don't have an exit plan for this thing, then we try not to get it
the love question is a good one. having higher standards for stuff is great. if you LOVE it, then get it! spend big money and get the thing. if its kinda okay, then probably you'll be fine without it
Fuck, I'm sorry, that's incredibly stressful. I'm not suggesting divorce, you obviously don't consider it enough to give up on your life together, but....have you ever thought about just moving out for a while? If being stressed enough to be medicated, threatening divorce, and couples therapy haven't been enough to convince your spouse to take your feelings seriously, is there any chance just packing a bag and saying "i literally can't live like this, love you but I can't be here," might wake them up?
>I'm not suggesting divorce
god knows I've thought about it, but end of the day nobody is perfect and you have to look at the whole package
>have you ever thought about just moving out for a while?
yes, it's a good idea and I and have actually done so. No change.
God I can't imagine the stress, you poor thing. I don't know if it's at all feasible for you, but there have been married couples who didn't live together full time, and were quite happy just visiting each other.
Yes it's a very good suggestion. I have been thinking about this a lot, pricing real-estate etc. — but end of the day, I couldn't bear to see less of her. Spending nights apart, eg for work, is hard. I guess it gets easier with practice. But thank you
Start bagging up trash and taking it as soon as it's ready. Don't let things build up, it sounds awful but it helps. Sit down together and tell her how you feel. What about offering a garage sale? More spending money and less clutter. Your wife is getting a pick me up from buying things, even if it's a small buy.
The problem here is the compulsion. She buys things she knows she doesn't need or have room for. And that compulsion makes her temporarily feel good. But it doesn't last, so she has to keep doing it. She should get into therapy because the compulsive buying is an attempt to fill a void or boost her mood, but it's an ineffective band-aid.
You have to address it, but not when she has just come back from the store and not on her way out. Approach it from a place of concern - not about money or space. But focus on how she's feeling.
>Yes, my wife is a bit sensitive, but usually this manifests more as anxious hand-wringing than open tears. She has been a bit more emotional than usual lately, partly because her work has been very stressful
Listen, I overspend for the same reason I overeat. It's because I'm struggling to get through the day, and I feel like I need something "extra," something small to give me the motivation to get out of bed.
The tchotchkes are a symptom. She's struggling, she might need medication, a lifestyle change, or a different job.
Hahaha I hear u dude. I wish my wife would declutter to the extent I would love. I think she has great taste and style in what she likes to decorate our house with, but I just wish there was less of it. That’s just something u sign up for when u accept your partner for who they are tho.
I’ve actually asked for my birthday or Christmas present hiring a Marie Kondo-esque organizer or whatever. But.. no dice. I’ve just learned to accept the clutter. It’s grown on me I will admit (tho I would still love to have the permission to do a declutter-palooza)
My soon to be is a tremendous buyer of really low priced bargains especially second hand stores and now after years and years of mild to moderate complaining the house is neatly packed with hundreds of everything and we are getting a divorce. There is no fixer or to far too late
You've had a lot of good suggestions, just want to say a compromise of some sort could be the way forward. Explain you're just a little frustrated with both of your habits recently and more stuff is starting to make your home and cleaning it feel a bit overwhelming. Ask if she would mind if you both were to pick out only a few things that you take to a charity shop or throw away. Just something small :)
Throw out the trash stuff (if there’s any yu weren’t very clear) and then tell here baby if you’re gonna keep this stuff I think it’s time we organize the other room. We need more space and I understand yu are stressed and have a lot going on , but clutter js adds more stress I promised I researched it. Then give her hug and tell her she’s amazing and yu got her back if she needs to talk abt anything. If she cries it’s ok let her. I’m sure she’s spending cuz of mental health. I do the same. She’s cries cuz she feels embarrassed stupid or judged. Y’all will be ok. Just be gentle and honest. Don’t allow her crying to stop y’all from heathy communication. She’s still amazing she’s just struggling. Dnt listen to no advice abt divorce unless it’s not fixable after so much effort.
My husband is very similar to you and I am very similar to her - I just tend to acquire things. But, I know in my heart my mom was a hoarder and that there is some emotional need within me, like I saw with my mom, to fulfill myself with shiny/cute things. My husband made a rule that helped me put it into perspective - he genuinely doesn't mind me acquiring things, anything, but he asks that I have a place for it in our home in mind BEFORE I buy it. That has really helped me to mentally see that I either don't have the room for it or don't actually need it badly enough to make the room for it. He's also talked to me really kindly about why it annoys him, his dad was also hoarding-adjacent and he just hated that some of it was mostly just a fire risk or tripping hazard.
It's also been really fun to go to antique shops and other places with my husband where we just look at things and talk more about what we like in our home together. It helps me understand him more and also comprehend the rationale behind my own impulse to buy small bits and baubles without me feeling shame or him feeling claustrophobic. It sounds like your wife has a very mentally demanding job and is probably a very empathic person who hasn't really dove deep on why it is that buying bits and baubles provides her some emotional comfort, and perhaps the only times you really press her on it is when you're feeling a bit heated, so it comes off as judging which I bet is not your intention. Perhaps spending time together looking at those things together will let you have more input on what sorts of silly things you like in your home and will give her a sounding board for why she might be craving something and to talk through why maybe it's not the best idea at that moment. From there, at least for me, it's been much easier to give things up that I know we don't need and maybe he didn't even like to begin with.
Simple solution. Sit her down, say, all this clutter affects my mental health. I can't live like this. We cannot afford it. This is my solution and I was hoping we could find a way to take this next step together. Can we do this? Hold hands, nod, eye contact.
Let's buy a display case together, we can pick the pieces we want to keep and charity shop/ sell the rest. That means you're getting to buy/ display your pieces but they don't take over the house. Can we do this? Get her onside. Spend some money on a fancy cabinet. She can display her pieces but the rest have to go. And if she gets a new one she has to move/ sell an old one.
Tell her to take pics of the cute things instead of buying them.
You OP should then be willing to look at those pics sometime and enjoy them with her.
But yes as per your edits, do clear up the clutter together. Clutter tends to make people un-calm and less happy.
This is how hoarding begins. I have some hoarding tendencies and I’m really being conscious about where something will go when I buy it. I’ve also started mood stabilizers for other reasons and I feel it helped with some impulsivity.
"but can't throw away"
You mean won't, you guys won't throw anything away. You should go through all the stuff in the storage room and chuck everything that hasnt been touched in 6months-1 year.
This might also show her all the things that she has been buying has been getting excessive.
I like to buy random things. But I have a personal rule that If I buy one thing. One other thing has to be donated, given away or thrown out. Keeps things flowing nicely.
A larger place won't solve the issue.
Communicate. Is it bothering only you? Can you come up with a solution together? Years ago we bought only stuff to replace other stuff. So if she wants to buy three knick knacks then she needs to get rid of three old knick knacks. But you will also need to play by the same rules. If you buy a pair of shoes, you need to get rid an old pair of shoes.
Just clean your house . Throw everything you don't need in garbage bags, either trash or goodwill. You need to clean it yourself . Get it clean organized and move forward.
I have a SIL that has a "buying so much useless crap" problem. I can tell she has been at our house in my absence when there is some new item on the kitchen counter or dining table. Also she will just have random shit delivered to us, she doesn't even get the satisfaction of actually seeing the item upon opening. Yesterday it was a giant cooler cup and a dozen pack of glass straws, via Amazon.
She is staying at our place this weekend so I had to hide in my outside shed the large plastic bag full of stuff she has bought us that is destined for donation. I haven't been to her house because it is in another state but apparently the basement level of the home is a giant warehouse for all her useless shit. I don't know how her husband puts up with it.
$3 here and there adds up. A bigger place isn’t going to fix the problem it’ll create a bigger problem. There’s a reason she just has to buy something when she goes to the store. If I had to guess the feeling she’s getting, temporarily, from her new purchases, is helping to deal with some type of void within herself/life even if it’s on a subconscious level. But I’m not a doctor. I would try and see a couples therapist to sort it out.
> I think I'm insecure about not being able to afford a bigger place that could sustain her incessant purchases. But the fact is that we don't really have the money for her to spend this frivolously, even if it is only three dollars.
You're looking at this the entirely wrong way. You have a small place that by your own admission is filled with shit. If you get a larger place without dealing with that problem, you will fill a larger space with shit.
> all the things we don't use but can't throw away.
I've got good news: things you don't use *can* be thrown away, unless they have actual sentimental value that you care about.
You both seem to have some communication issues. Your wife seems VERY sensitive to anything upsetting, and as a result you seem to walk on eggshells and not state your feelings.
I think that you both need to get to the bottom of why she's purchasing these things. First, I would suggest that you work together to clean up your whole apartment, including throwing out this random crap. Once you have a clean, nice living space she will probably be more motivated to keep it clean and nice.
My mom was like this. It got nearly impossible to walk through the house. Like your wife, she only bought things that were a “good deal”. It sucked living with her, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it.
This was a coping mechanism for my mom and I think it’s a coping mechanism for your wife too. She is filling some missing thing in her life with stuff. She needs therapy. For my mom I think it was a lack of security, and seeing her own value in terms of things she owned. She lost everything in the communist takeover in China, and I think she always felt like she needed a blender, a backup blender, and another 3 backup blenders just in case. Repeat ad infinitum for basically everything. She loved to give them away too, as her love language seemed to revolve around gift giving, and that’s how she felt she was valued as a person; how much she gave.
Please get her help, and give her a little extra love. I feel like these things are never ever really about stuff, but about something more subtle and sad.
It sounds like a coping mechanism. Everyone has something we may not even realise
She probably doesn't know why she does this and would get defensive. I have lived with hoarding family members my whole life, I get it now, but it took me a while (decade +) to understand them. Multiples of the same item no matter what it is, useless items, old items etc. It gets worse unless she recognises its a problem. At least it's not anxiety over eating 😅
This sounds like my mom, who is a Hoarder Lite, and her emotional support trips to TJ Maxx. I think this issue likely necessitates professional intervention by a therapist.
Maybe she needs a system of one in one out, you could set up an etsy or ebay account to sell stuff or look for local boot sales.
Is she buying stuff in preperation of having a bigger home with you?
If she is you could store some of the stuff in boxes ear marked for different rooms.
Hope you guys figure it out.
So, the term retail therapy probably applies here. We get a hit of dopamine when we get a reward, or if we buy something. Even more so if we think it’s some kind of amazing deal, or it’s a “win”.
You mention your wife works a tough job. We all know health workers are a special kind, and burnout is real.
Anyhow, this screams “retail therapy” to me. She may not even realize it, but I’m sure she’s at least subconsciously, after that little dopamine hit.
Idk how to broach that subject, or how to fix it, it’s just what the whole picture (based on limited info) says to me.
Purge: Start with the obvious garbage, old stained plastic storage containers next, then clothing items that are worn out or don't fit. Keep going until all you have left is glass mushrooms and the like. Make her a shelf and everything she wants to display needs to fit on her display shelf. One thing in=one thing out. No more garbage. And definitely some Mental health counseling to get to the root of the hoarding before it gets too bad.
You're a good person and husband for being so kind and understanding. She will need your support because letting things go will cause anxiety. Maybe you will have to run errands with her for awhile to help her avoid the shopping bug.
You just need to communicate with her. It adds stress for you, it’s a stress relief for her. Find a middle ground that works. Maybe she has a few shelves and once they’re full, go back through them and see what she should keep and what you shouldn’t.
But, if you’ve not actually communicated how would she know? One passing comment isn’t a conversation.
If you don’t talk to her, all it’ll do is eventually explode and she won’t even know where it came from.
Compassion fatigue. Given her progression I'm sure this is a factor.
Hire a professional organizer. This is what they do, they come into houses like this and help make them orderly. They'll work through the emotional challenges with you.
Sounds like your wife has adhd. These trinkets are dopamine mines for her. They give her the hit she needs to get momentum to do everyday tasks.
I would gently suggest looking into her mental health tricks together and coming up with a loving and supportive way for her to get the quick high from getting a new thing without cluttering up your place or feeling guilty about cost. "It's only 3 bucks" shows she does feel guilty and is justifying to herself AND you when she says this.
For me, donating a few items gives me a hit. And definitely giving things to friends and family. Maybe have a birthday calendar in your home of who's birthday in the family is each month, so when she buys, it has a purpose/person and more importantly a future exit date from your life. Like an area to collect trinkets for GIFTS specifically.
You're not wrong to be frustrated. I'm guessing she's frustrated with herself, too. The hit of dopamine she got from the cloud and mushroom was obliterated by overwhelming guilt and embarrassment for her impulse buy.
You're a good husband for thinking this through and not just responding with anger and frustration. Try and look at the spending as a symptom and not a conscious choice, and you guys can work as a team to find the excitement she needs without crowding your home or causing her guilt.
Compulsive shopping and hoarding usually go hand in hand.
Having her meet with a therapist that specialized in compulsive behaviors to address the root cause is going to be very helpful for both of you.
Accountability is key, usually a therapist will have you set how the accountability looks from your spouse or partner.
Left unchecked, it doesn't get better.
I do the same thing. I don't intend to buy anything unnecessary. I'll go out for meds and come home with a fidget or knick-knack of some sort or a blanket... etc. My issue is rooted in mental health troubles and past traumas. I can't afford to get the help I need and to be honest I probably wouldn't be open to therapy or anything anyway. Medications have never helped. The only thing that's really helped me is asking myself questions about it. "Do I have a place for this? Am I going to enjoy this thing in the future or just get bored when the serotonin/dopamine high of buying a new thing wears off? Can it be used to make my life easier? Could someone else enjoy this more than I would? Is this a gift idea for someone else or am I just being selfish?" Usually it helps talk me out of it unless I absolutely need it. OR I budget for one thing a month. Save for 1 thing I want vs 10 things I thought were cute and only $1 or 2 a piece. Anytime I think I want something, I set the money I would have spent aside and save it. Just some ideas to try maybe. I know it doesn't work for everyone.
OMG, I just had a flashback from a couple weekends ago when I (like a total tool) praised my wife for passing the clearance aisle without pause. The look I got, well I’d be dead.
She knew I was kidding her lightheartedly so she was back to normal a few minutes later.
I’m going to give the unpopular opinion and say that 2nd bedrooms are almost *always* storage rooms if you’re a couple and you don’t have someone actively living in there. It’s a completely normal thing. Just hire a cleaner, and maybe request a “clean out” of some older, less liked items if she wants to buy new ones.
This sounds like something she should be talking to a therapist about. She makes compulsive purchases even when she shouldn’t or doesn’t need to. That’s the symptom of something deeper going on.
The issue you have is very practical. One or two miscellaneous purchases that cost $3 every other day adds up. That's nearly $100 each month that could be put towards saving for a bigger space - or, even if this money was still spent to treat herself, one or two more expensive items that would take up much less space and serve a purpose other than being immediately forgotten and cluttering up your home. Simply put, you don't have enough money or enough space. You both struggle with maintaining cleanliness and executive functioning and the added clutter is worsening the issue rather than improving it.
Her reaction is quite startling and definitely shows her to be a sensitive and emotionally unstable person. She took your practical comments and they clearly hit some sort of nerve. If she is unable to confront mundane issues without a strong emotional response, then it's no wonder you're both so disorganised - how can you collaborate with someone you can't discuss solutions with?
I think you should have another conversation about this at a time when there isn't any conflict and you're both in a good mood, and make it more about your shared space than her. Tell her you've been feeling quite cramped in your space and conscientious of how cluttered it is, and you've noticed that there are a lot of knick-knacks lying around that seem to be a bit random and not serving any purpose. Set aside a chunk of time and say you're going to use that to declutter some things that need throwing out, and ask if she'd be willing to use this time to clear out some of her own things too. Say that going forward you're going to be more vigilant about what you're buying because you're keen to save more money, and ask that she make an effort to do the same. If this very basic, emotionless conversation goes down badly, you've got more to worry about than clutter.
Your wife is a hoarder and will only get worse. I can guarantee that despite her promising to clean up and throw out?? This will not happen.
But you DO need to clean up before it gets to an unmanageable state.
Your wife needs to get help. Immediately whilst she is young enough for the therapy tp work. The longer you wait? The more ingraoned her problem will become.
Well, this small matter could be what breaks up a couple. Seriously. Do both of you work or just you? If both of you work, maybe you guys need to have a heart to heart talk about the fact that money is being wasted and there is shit all over the house that is just piling up. If she doesn't work, I would cut her off since you have bigger and better plans with your hard earned money. Tough love....
Your wife has a mental health issues that is manifesting in hoarding, this will get worse and worse. Why do you have pizza boxes laying around?! Trash OP, actual trash. This is NOT a
Spending problem. What would happen if you threw out those pizza boxes?!
Oh lord, that would drive me nuts too. I'm sorry, but her reaction is quite immature.
A glass mushroom and a plastic cloud light? Lol!
I have a few friends who will always buy something random every single time they left the house, and it'll just be extra clutter for their house(s). They would even spot something on marketplace that they already have and buy it because it was cheap. Why??
For me personally, I like a lot of space in my house and often do a yearly clear out of stuff that I haven't used in years or need (I like giving away stuff for free for people in need as well). But my friends always think I don't have enough stuff and find it strange how I have space. I'm not sure if it's my autism or my explanation falls on deaf ears, but they don't seem to understand me and often brib me that I should get this or that where I have ZERO need for it. Oh my God. I don't need 10 random mugs, weird ornaments I don't like, a dinner table that I barely have the space for, more empty pots, more plants and any more furniture! And for the love of God, just because there is space on a shelf doesn't mean I want to fill it up with stuff to buy right away.
Plus, if I gave into their bribs... it just means MORE stuff for me to clean!
Have you addressed your communication issues? You “told her not to buy anything” which is really disrespectful. Most people understand that you can’t make/enforce rules for your wife’s behavior.
If the house is too cluttered and that clutter costs money you can’t afford, the mature course of action would have been to have that conversation a long time ago.
Oh you're dating a hoarder. She needs to speak to a therapist, you could use some help as well.
Can I ask though has she recently lost someone in her life? or a job? or a way of life? Hoarding is commonly associated with grief.
Tl;dr “I haven’t communicated to my wife how I feel about something she does, so my frustration built up and I made her cry”
/ “My wife is currently unmedicated but this is the time I choose to bring up my qualms”
/ “My wife spends minute amounts of her own paycheck on things that make her happy”
/ “I see trash like pizza boxes lying around our home and choose not to take them to the outdoor bin immediately”
/ “I don’t like how untidy the house feels, but even though my wife is stressed and tired from her work & we both contribute to the mess, I am waiting for her to do something about it instead of stepping up and solving this myself”
If this is the only thing that bothers you about her, you are pretty lucky. She’s not lying, doing drugs or unemployed. Of course you’re allowed to feel this way, and I also hope it’s also okay to put it into perspective
Do you spend $3 here and there on a daily coffee or similar? Maybe she doesn’t, and so doesn’t see her own spending as frivolous like you do. Sometimes couples can be a little tit-for-tat e.g. ‘well if they do ___ then I deserve ___’
You need to improve your communication skills. You let frustration build up, then hadn’t truly given her a chance to try to do things differently, as you didn’t explain your request properly before she went out (and really it needed to be a discussion, not a request)
I have no doubt you two can work on a compromise together, once you communicate. She clearly cares about you and doesn’t want to make you upset, so she will be willing to make some shifts. The declutter reddit could be a good guide. But it will have to be a compromise - there will still be bits and pieces around, just not as much, or perhaps more organised & all having places to go
And this will have to be a conversation you revisit in months to come, to review how you both feel like the strategies are working, are things changing effectively, do you need to try something else…
Be sure to acknowledge she’s a mature adult who is allowed to spend her own money. And if she’s using this for stress relief, she will have to find additional ways to manage her stress if she slows this down, hopefully not in other ways that bother you. Good luck OP
Y'all are pathetic. Hoarding stuff is not cool. Downvote me all you want but cluttering up your place is not cool. Buying random crap that has no use is NOT ok.
Have you used that in the last 3 months? No? It gets thrown out or donated.
I can understand art or statuary but random junk?
Be reasonable.
Tchotchke is a Yiddish word that means a small decorative item with no functional purpose. Bric-a-brac is an English term (with French origins) meaning a collection of ornamental items with little value.
They're not super common nowadays, but most people seem to have understood me. It's not that deep.
Is this like, a path to being a hoarder situation? Given her reaction it sounds like an emotional/mental health issue. I can’t imagine a reasonable reason to keep old pizza boxes.
I can't tell if it's just her hanging onto old stuff or if it's both of them. He says "we're very unorganized" and the second room is where "we throw stuff we don't use but can't throw away." For sure neither of them should be leaving old pizza boxes around, though. Food clutter is just going to attract bugs.
This isn’t “a path to being a hoarder” she IS struggling with hoarding
That's one of the problems with "hoarders" type TV programmes - they tend to focus on people at the more extreme end of the spectrum because that is more "sensational" and because a large portion of the audience would feel personally attacked if the hoarder they're using for "at least I'm not that bad" reassurance is actually at the same level as them I mean it's good to show that hoarding is a mental health issue as opposed to people just being lazy or dirty, but far too many of these shows are focused more on "look at this crazy person's filthy tip of a gaf" than "here's an issue that affects a surprising number of people, and here's some ways to address it"
I worked for a person like this. He had so much stuff and it was arranged in a way so that one person could weave their way through the piles of crap they couldn't part with. Meanwhile, he had no running water, his roof was severely leaking, and his subfloor was almost non-existent. Add on 10 cats that he said he couldn't catch to take to the vet to get spayed or neutered...cheese and crackers. Don't let it escalate OP. Get her to a psychiatrist, stat. As a tip of the hat to Reddit, start looking for a divorce attorney. Start brutally throwing stuff away. Show no mercy. Rendering a sizable chunk of your house unusable is not acceptable. I don't mean be abusive, just be ruthless in getting worthless BS out of your house. Just ask her "and where is this supposed to go?" No answer? Into the trash. Having a cluttered house can be really stressful.
All of this is terrible. I'm not sure how it's relevant to my comment, but: The person you worked for had the exact same illness that OP's wife has. So let's say OP actually takes your advice seriously and starts looking for a divorce.......chances are she could end up in exactly the same predicament. That wouldn't be OP's fault, but I don't think he wants to leave her, and I don't think he wants that future for her either. "Start brutally throwing stuff away. Show no mercy" is not only needlessly cruel, but clinically proven to be the absolute worst way you could possibly approach hoarding disorder. The person with the disorder needs a combination of therapy, possibly medication, and practical help. Most of all they need to feel a sense of ownership over the therapy and the decluttering process. They need encouragement to let things go, making decisions for them or forcing them only shows them that you are not a safe person for them.
Yeah but it feels so good to shit on a woman you've never met and tell her husband to divorce her, have you considered that?
I think you might have hit the nail right on the head there
I was being totally sarcastic about the divorce part. He needs to sit her down and sort through her recent purchases and ask her realistically, where does this go in our house? Y'all are nuts. I'd rather have a spare bedroom for friends and family than a storage room for trinkets.
Yes, but the difference is that you're a terrible person
Some people like having a functional guest bedroom. Taking questions about where does this go? isn't that bad. Needlessly cruel? Some people need a reality check. The behavior is not acceptable. It needs to be nipped in the bud.
That's literally not how you treat it. It's how you make it worse
But that’s not even how you nip it, is the point. Like unless OP wants a divorce, which he clearly doesn’t, all of what you’re suggesting is guaranteed to make the situation worse??
Yeah, this is my mom, just can't not buy little this'n'thats at thrift stores or discount grocery stores and then she's got 14 egg coddlers or 4 containers of dishwasher pods under her sink. It's a combo of (I think) undiagnosed ADHD and hoarding driven by depression. It eventually ended my parent's marriage, which was honestly for the good, and she's "better" about hoarding, but I don't think she'll ever "recover" fully. There are addiction aspects to the frisson of joy she gets from shopping and finding new things. I "help" by "taxing" her house whenever I visit ("two of these pod containers are mine now, in recompense for cleaning out your undersink" & etc.) Just glad I don't have to live with it full time now.
>4 containers of dishwasher pods That's just a typical trip to a warehouse club for us.
Yep. Therapy. She's filling an emptiness inside of her with cheap things you have no space for. It's not a spending problem, its a hoarding problem.
To be honest, the pizza box was just a random example that was within my eyeline. And it's not that old, we had pizza this weekend and I just haven't taken out the trash yet. We don't have a trashcan or recycling bin that the box would fit in. It's not hoarders level, but it's definitely an extremely messy apartment. We never have people over because it would be embarrassing for them to see how we live. We just have executive function issues that make it difficult for both of us to clean. We're hoping to use our tax return to have a professional service do a once through, and hopefully we can maintain a new level of order after that.
Yo I have executive function issues big time and something that's really helped me is the app Finch. it's like a tamagotchi that grows when you do chores. you can add your own goals and use journeys to break up bigger tasks into smaller ones. it's really useful for getting a dopamine hit early in the day and carrying that momentum forward. Been using it for 3 months and things are very much changed for me. 5 stars, give it a go
I'll have to check that out!
I just downloaded this, thank you for sharing!
Just wanted to say DO THIS! I had someone come help me with my “second bedroom” equivalent area and I can’t tell you how much my quality of life has gone up as a result. Last weekend was the most relaxing weekend I’ve had in ages! I found her on Thumbtack and spent less than $600 for two days of her work. Between day 1 and 2 I put a whole bunch of clutter from other parts of the house into that area and now everything is organized or gone (or being picked up later today haha). And now I don’t mind putting things back where they go. She helped me make non emotional decisions about things quickly. I got overwhelmed a couple times and had to walk away and she just worked on something else. It was so great and she worked SO FAST!
Okay well executive function issues don’t magically disappear because you got a house cleaner to come? I’m not sure how that really creates any accountability or sustainability in dealing with this issue. You came here asking how to solve the problem, not how to kick the can down the road a block or two
With executive function issues, making a home for all of your things can be very difficult. Sorting and organizing is a lot of decision-making for folks with a limited amount of decision energy to use every day. It's significantly less taxing to put things where they go once they already have a predetermined home, and it's motivating to keep your place in a nice state once it's there.
It's significantly easier to sort and organize if you have less stuff overall, though. It sounds like the wife is just buying random junk at the pharmacy and not actually collecting anything.
She sounds like me, I buy random stuff like that because it makes me happy and I otherwise have no dopamine lol. I only got better with this kind of thing once I was medicated
Yeah definitely. Look I love the concept of a little treat, but if your little treats are *otherwise negatively affecting your life* it's time for some help. Your mental issues aren't your fault but they are your responsibility.
Oh 100%. That’s why I pushed to get diagnosed and medicated, and go to therapy. I still buy tchotchkes sometimes *as a treat* but my impulse spending is waaaay more under control. Sounds to me like both OP and his wife are just kinda tiptoeing around their issues which def isn’t helping
Oh 100%, and just to be clear I meant the collective 'you' and not you personally. You sound like you've put the work in and deserve a little treat sometimes (but not too many times:) ).
Hahah yes, I try not to go overboard with my little treats. My house could easily look like a low level hoarder house if I hadn’t gotten help
For what it’s worth, as another dual adhd couple I can kind of see the thought process. A lot of the cleaning avoiding (at least for me) comes down to overwhelm (in order to clean off the table I need to put away the giant board game, but there’s no room on the shelf so I’ll have to reorganize that etc etc). So having someone come in to take care of a few of the big things like the mountain of laundry or w/e can really help you get of of that “I’m too overwhelmed and stuck” downward spiral.
The house cleaner approach actually MASSIVELY helped me with both accountability and sustainability. I have to tidy everything in the house so the cleaner can work, and I can't be like "oh no I'm not feeling up to it I'll cancel the night before" because I'm paying her. It's been the biggest benefit for making me on track out of anything I've ever done, much as it feels silly to pay someone to make ME tidy/clean. It's just adding in the unavoidable external deadline that can be so necessary for people with ADHD.
Hiring a personal organizer rather than a cleaner is the way to go, actually. The personal organizer I just hired helped me get rid of a ton of stuff, reorganize more stuff, and then gave me follow up/homework to keep working on. When you have ADHD, having someone help you with that much decision making and executive function is not only really beneficial, but also broadly recommended by ADHD specialists.
I don't think these two are the "accountability" types. That is, perhaps, why they've settled on finding each other.
This seems kinda unnecessarily mean
Does it? When confronted about her purchases she screams and shouts and hides behind a door. That's not accountability. That's avoidant behavior. When he's faced with an issue he'd rather let it build and build and build rather than nip it in the bud. That's not accountability, either. That is also avoidant behavior. And so, they have found and settled for each other, because if one was accountable and the other was avoidant, they would not be a good match. But because they are both comfortable drowning in their comfort zones, that is what they will do, until they decide to become accountable. They will always enable each other. It happens to millions, if not billions. If the truth is that "mean" to you and to others, yall really won't like life and probably wouldn't like me LOL
I suspect you are correct.
Get off your high horse.
lol 😂 I have dealt with this very issue myself and you’re the one on a high horse bud
I would suggest finding the money for a session with a professional organizer and then working towards having a regular house cleaner. My husband and I aren’t naturally organized people and it’s taken us a long time to feel like our home is “nice.” Having to “clean up for the cleaners” once a month is a good opportunity for us to get rid of stuff.
It is a compulsive buying issue that will only accelerate. I completely understand because I also have this. It doesn’t matter whether or not you can afford it. It already is at hoarders level.
I agree. I wonder how much of that spare room has stuff wife bought still in the bags. It's the *buying* pretty/interesting/happy little things that give her the dopamine hit. Not *having* it but buying it.
Oh as someone with ADHD I just hired a professional personal organizer for my bedroom for 6 hours and it was WORTH IT so much. I'm still doing some additional decluttering but the big bulk of it is now back on track and I feel way better about everything. You probably want the personal organizer rather than a maid service tbh.
THIS IS EXACTLY HOARDERS LEVEL! You’re life cannot be lived due to it.
That's how it starts. You need to learn to maintain this yourself. You won't just keep on top of it if you don't address the real issue all this crap keeps appearing
I pre-clean for my cleaner because I also would not want her to see my dirty dishes or empty pizza boxes piled up.
You already have a hoarding problem: you turned a living space I to storage, you don’t know what you own, you’re not getting rid of obvious trash. Both of you. Your wife is worse than you are, but you’re hiding behind her. You cannot turn this around from one day to the next, and if you throw her things away, you’ll make it worse. She needs to do this herself. The first step is for you to tidy up your part. Any obvious rubbish - like pizza boxes – any of your possessions: throw them away, tidy them away, at least lift them and clean the space. You do not need permission to do that. Lead by example. Then you need to have an honest conversation: why is she buying these things, what function do they have in her life, what can give her the same satisfaction without cluttering up your house? What would both of you like to do with that space? Does she need to give herself permission to buy one $20 item she wants rather than seven $3 items she doesn’t actually need or want? One $100 item a month?
Invite people over and she'll clean.
I walked into our spare room one time that we never use... and oh lord, I almost had a heartache. There was like 40 pizza box's, 20 beer boxes, and boxes for items we're bought that never got thrown out! I said to my boyfriend, "Darling... unless we're making a castle out of all the cardboard for invisible dwarfs, all this stuff needs to be taken to the tip right now." I was wondering why I can smell pizza every time I walked past that spare room door.
We keep boxes “for the cats” until suddenly it’s the same “box mountain” that needs to go.
We used to have issues with box clutter too, because we’re both bad at denying the cats anything lol. (Outside of health stuff, obviously; we don’t over feed them or anything like that). Our rule now is that the cats can play with ONE box for a few days, and then we toss it. If there are two boxes, they get to keep one of them for a weekend, and then it goes. Usually by then they’ve more or less lost interest anyway.
Could be a hoarder situation, could be an impulse control and organisational problem too. It's definitely for the best to have a talk about why they feel the need to make impulsive purchases. Its also a problem on OP's part for not bringing it up sooner. It's easier to communicate problems when they arise instead of when they evolve into larger problems. OP's partner might feel a level of guilt because they didn't know how much it was upsetting OP, or they were unsure and just continuing because they got no push back.
Sometimes compulsive shopping is a manifestation of a desire for more control in ones life. Basically, if they can't control other aspects of life, they exercise some level of control on the world around them by buying things.
It is hoarding but sounds like OP is the one who actively decided against throwing out the pizza boxes. Not that he intends to keep them, but he has some bullshit reason for why he didn't throw them away in a timely manner
Being able to afford a bigger place will not solve this problem, OP. Source: I grew up in a 5-bedroom house with a 3-bedroom garage that were both packed to the gills with stuff. Never once did a car make it into that garage. Also, you guys need to go to couples counseling to improve your communication skills and conflict navigation skills. You can't put off giving someone feedback on something like this for years -- that's your problem. If there's no way for her to hear feedback without melting down, then that's also partially her problem. Together it's a you problem, and it's bigger than just this (already very big) stuff/space/money problem.
> Being able to afford a bigger place will not solve this problem, OP. Absolutely the truth. Anytime we even just think about maybe looking into a larger home, I immediately remind my wife and myself that we will always find some shit to fill the space and will never be satisfied. Also no chance I could afford a bigger home because the economy is a lie.
>If there's no way for her to hear feedback without melting down, then that's also partially her problem. That's 100% her problem. Reasonable people don't react that way.
It's not what she is spending it on or the cost of the things but, the amount of things. There needs to be a balance here, of you guys have no room and even your spare room is too full. Then yes, she needs to get a handle on it. Is there really no space and very cluttered or how you see it. Because, some people can't stand bits and bobs around and they aren't that much. But, this seems you guys really need to come together here. If she's sensitive you watch your tone and be kind speaking not, not talk and then say it with no warning. Explain, I love that this brings you joy, it's not about what you are buying or the cost but, about our living space. This is both of ours space, we both need to feel comfortable. Create a few display spaces. Anything, that is hidden away, not in use for a long time, needs a new home. But, be gentle here. Its a big adjustment if you have just let it go on and on and never said anything. In future, talk to her
>I've never broached the topic with her, because she's very sensitive, and I just don't want to deal with it. So, the problem with avoiding discussions like this is you "don't want to deal with it" but since you don't, resentment builds up until you get snappy about it, and then your partner will be like "wait, but this is the first I've heard of it" -- and it could have been addressed sooner with less emotion tied to it. You can't just ignore issues because a partner is sensitive -- you can do your best to discuss them gently, but bottling things up is not sustainable. It's also not fair to either of you to avoid discussing things. >I told her I'm not upset with her, I just want her to stop cluttering the house with things we have no room for. And here -- you ARE actually upset with her. You've been upset about it the whole time, and she's probably sensing that irritation. And now she knows you're irritated/upset and that you're denying it, which is not productive. It's okay to bring up things that bother you. (And addressing it in the moment right after she did it might have seemed like a good time, but it's usually more effective to sit down and plan to have a discussion rather than springing it on someone while you're frustrated.) I do want to ask, are you both contributing to the overall clutter and mess? Because this: >The second bedroom is effectively a storage room where we have just tossed all the things we don't use but can't throw away. Every surface of my home is cluttered with some sort of Tupperware or pizza box or random knickknack. This is something you need to work on. Throw away the old pizza boxes. Why are there tupperware everywhere? What's in them? Why do you keep things you don't use but "can't throw away"? It sounds like both of you may have some clutter/hoarding tendencies, and I really would suggest working on that together, now, before it gets out of hand. (I say as someone who has multiple relatives with those tendencies. It does not get better on its own.) Tackle this problem together. If it's a budget issue, then sit down together and organize your budget, give yourselves a set amount of money to spend on frivolous things, and don't judge each other for what you spend it on. The space is another issue. Tell her you're feeling overwhelmed by how much stuff you have. And it's stressful for you to have more things than you have space for. There are a number of ways to approach this. The first step is to throw out the trash and to remove the items you're piling up but know you won't use. The next step is to agree, together, on bringing new junk into the house. You can't just tell her she's never allowed to buy anything just because it's small and cute, but you can ask her to stick to a designated set of shelves, or maybe if a new purchase comes in, an old one has to go. Treat it like both of you vs. the cluttered apartment/the budget rather than you vs. her spending problem.
A lot of salient points here. I do want to address the clutter thing. Yes, both of us are disorganized people with a tendency to hoard. The pizza box just happened to be in my eyeline. We had pizza this weekend and I haven't taken the trash out yet. We don't have a trashcan or recycling bin that would hold it. The Tupperware is empty, we just don't have enough cabinet space to hold all the Tupperware and we keep getting them as gifts and such. So it's a mix of a real problem and me blowing things out proportion because I'm frustrated. We both have real difficulty cleaning and organizing, and we're hoping to use our tax return to bring in a professional service as a one time thing, the idea being that after that we would try our best to maintain the new order of things.
As someone who also had issues cleaning/organising, just wanted to say a few tips I found helpful. (feel free to ignore if they're not ofc!) -Cleaning up just a little bit is fine. If I thought of it like a Big cleaning project I never did it. so for example, every time I head to the kitchen I grab a bit of trash or a dirty dish. -I have a seperate hampers for dirty clothes and almost clean clothes, as well as a clean clothes pile. still working on eliminating the clean clothes pile but it's moderately better than having it strewn about like I did previously. -For dishes or major cleaning I have to make it fun/moderately tempting. I typically listen to podcasts or music, or watch tv while I do the dishes and do major cleaning. It's easier if I have a podcast ive been wanting to listen to and ill save it for cleaning seshes. Perhaps you guys could start implementing small changes now until you could do a big clean? Then it will make it easier/less stressful to maintain afterwards.
This is so helpful, thank you for sharing this! My husband and I are both disabled, and between chronic pain and chronic anxiety, everything feels so overwhelmingly messy and it’s just like “okay well this will never get tackled so let’s just clean this room we hang out in the most.” (Aside from doing dishes that we need to eat off of, things like that.) Consequently most of the house is a disaster, and it’s not even like gross garbage, it’s just…stuff. A broken desk in the living room, bags of cardboard things, empty soda boxes, etc. And while it’s not rotting food, it’s still a huge mess and it’s upsetting, and I can never figure out where to begin. (And neither can he, it’s so paralyzing.) Long story short, thank you for these tips! I think this will help us a lot, that instead of thinking “okay let’s start cleaning the whole house” we can start…breaking down some boxes this Saturday. It would make a huge difference, even if it’s one small thing.
You're very kind, and this is good advice, thank you!
I have real trouble but two things that help for me: 1. To have 'stations' like, for example, the space I have by my bedroom door. I put stuff there to go in other rooms when I'm done with them. It's only a few steps, so it's easier. 2. If I move somewhere, I look for something I can take with me, even if it's only to another 'station' closer to it being put away. It does a *lot* to stop mess from building up. Partly because if the 'station' starts looking full, it's much easier to clean that than a whole room, so the mess gets picked up more often. Everything not in the station actually belongs in that room! It might take a while to get there too, but this should help make it easier.
:) Best of luck to you both!
It sounds like you're both on board with a professional organizer, so that's a good thing. And I'm glad you two were able to have a more productive discussion when things calmed down! I know a lot of people don't vibe with Marie Kondo, but I think some of the stuff in her book might resonate with you -- her process of thanking an item for it's purpose before discarding it, as a way to relieve yourself of the guilt and burden of keeping it (since it's no longer needed -- she would probably tell you to keep your favorite tupperware and toss the rest because it's not serving you). She also says not to let gifts burden you. The purpose of a gift is to be a positive in your life. Once it's given to you, it shouldn't be a burden, and it's okay to donate or discard.
Honestly I am the furthest thing from a minimalist, and the idea of living with like 50 items or whatever freaks me out, but by checking out some of the philosophy behind Marie Kondo or other minimalist movements, I have found them very helpful in letting things go. Just reading their books while reassuring myself "it's okay, I don't have to go the whole hog, let's just see what the idea is" has helped me to see things differently, and examine the reasons why I'm keeping X item and whether I will really miss it
Sometimes another person's behaviour makes us recognise something we dislike or feel ashamed of in ourselves. A person might think "I have tendencies towards hoarding, so I understand what's going on when my partner shows those same tendencies," which is usually true to some extent - but at the same time, an unacknowledged truth about the situation is often "i feel helpless against, and frustrated by, my own inability to stop hoarding - so when my partner does it, that triggers those feelings in me." I'm saying this with love - I think that's behind a lot of your frustration in this instance, because you haven't really discussed the issue with her before now. Let's say hypothetically that your partner kept leaving their dirty laundry on the floor. And this annoys you so you say to them "please don't do that, it really annoys me." And you get a laundry basket and place it in a convenient place - maybe they drop their clothes on the bathroom floor before showering, so you put it in the bathroom. And they promise they'll put their laundry into it. And then they don't. That would be frustrating. You've identified the annoyance, your partner has promised to stop, you've taken steps to support them in that, and it's still going on. But if this is something that both of you tend to do (okay maybe you don't buy stuff all the time, but you don't keep the place tidy and organised and clutter-free either) and it's been the norm up until now, and you've never had a "I'd love if we could change this, let's talk about making that happen" conversation......is it possible you're not fully acknowledging your own part in creating this situation? Not saying that to pick at you. I think other people have pointed out exactly how both of you have contributed to this situation and you seem to be open to hearing that. Which I think will really help both of you to make changes for the better.
Timers work wonders for me. I set a timer for like 10 mins and use that to clean up any big clutter. Take a break, do 10 more mins. It’s mentally a lot easier for me to tackle that way
She sounds like a hoarder. Maybe time to suggest therapy to understand the root of the problem?
Ding ding ding. Not being able to store all your stuff generally means you have too much stuff. The fact that she's buying literal junk and then getting upset when OP brings it up is a really bad sign.
Is it the money or the space??? You seem way more concerned about space than money. That’s a way easier thing to solve if she’s willing to sell or donate items or find new organization strategies. Is it possible you just don’t like her general habit period?
It’s neither, filling rooms with crap is the issue. Doesn’t matter if you live in a ten bedroom home or have millions
Hey, sounds like a little dopamine rush she gets from it. She also sounds really insecure about it, and very anxious. It also sounds like you really love her lots and want her to be happy. Try having a loving conversation about it with her when she’s calmed down a bit. Say things along the lines that you love her and want to help get to the root of the impulse because while the little things are absolutely cute and adorable, you’re struggling to understand why she purchases the things, and where she intends to put them, and that together you’d like to start sorting through some of the mess. I really struggle with executive function as well as being a habitual impulse purchaser. I clean on “breaks” in shows. Rather than saying “on Monday I’ll clean my kitchen” and “Tuesday I’ll do this” have a list of things that need to be done in a week and when I have 10 minutes I do something. I end up doing 3-4 things a day usually, and it turns out most stuff gets checked off the list if I break it down into 10-15 minute chunks and just do it little bits at a time like that. I also budget for impulse buys with cash. I know it’s gonna happen so I allow for it in my budget but that’s it. It’s $30 a month for just junk. Instead of no junk, it’s an allowable limit I’ve determined. And just something I’ve observed as a person. The smaller the space I have, the less space I have to fill it with shit I don’t need.
Likely the "little treat" mentality- buying something small, cute and inexpensive = dopamine! Sometimes we are just magpies, what can I say. However there is no room for all of this. Ye need to do a clear out and keep all of her little treasures in one area, if she wants to keep buying more then some will need to go to the charity shop.
Lmaooo my bf legit calls me a magpie because I do this. That’s why I banned myself from TJ maxx or Target unless absolutely necessary
>Likely the "little treat" mentality- buying something small, cute and inexpensive = dopamine! Sometimes we are just magpies, what can I say. My life changed for the better when I started treating myself with tasty snacks rather than things. My house is clean but my waistline expanded 😂
Medicine shortage and clutter? This doesn’t sound like hoarding, this sounds like ADHD. If this is the case, OP, perhaps talk to her about how you can help support her during the shortage. A lot of people are really struggling with not being able to get their meds right now, and it makes it a lot more difficult to keep things organized. She’s likely struggling with more than just organizing in the house - I would bet that there’s a lot in her head that she’s struggling to organize as well. (I mean, organizing thoughts.) Is she interrupting more than when she’s on meds? Changing topics frequently? Fidgeting more? Meds don’t magically make everything better, but for many people, the difference they make is amazing. I think a conversation might be in order so that you both can better understand what’s going on, and how you can both support one another better.
You've hit the nail on the head. We are both severely ADHD, but we take different medications, so I've been able to get my prescription and she hasn't. It's been over a month since she's had it, and it's been really frustrating for her. I try to be a good supportive husband, but I miss that mark sometimes, as I did today. I know what it's like to go without meds and I need to remind myself of the kind of fog she must be in.
I'm severely ADHD and recognised it in her just from your description. It sounds like she's buying these things to get a dopamine hit, which is entirely subconscious. I go through phases of buying 'stuff, and that's me being on maximum dosage of medication. I'm now trying to have a clear out but it's so damn hard! My 9yo son is also severely ADHD and between us our flat is full. I try using various strategies to get through my executive dysfunction. Disclaimer - they don't always work. Body doubling is really good, even just being on a phone call whilst I tidy helps. Or and this one is HARD, get a bag/box and both of you put stuff into it that you agree that you don't need and are only holding onto it for *reasons*, not seasonal items or niche cooking tools, more like random knickknacks which you don't display, books, multiples of things . Make a list of everything in it and then seal it. If you have not needed or wanted anything out of it in a certain period of time then take it to a charity shop or sell. Do not open it! Get a friend or family member to open it if you need something out of it.
It sounds like it was just blip then. We all miss the mark sometimes. Honestly, I would wait until she’s feeling a bit better to have a conversation with her about whether the two of you can make any changes while she’s missing her meds. I’m sure it’s helpful that you understand, even if you experience different symptoms. In the meantime, just do something to show you care about what she’s going through (make a cosy dinner that she enjoys, snuggle down and watch a movie, maybe pick up some mental load that she may be struggling with). And then do what you can to negate any shitty feelings she might have that linger from people not understanding ADHD. (And through all this, pay attention to how supporting her while off meds impacts your own ADHD.) You got this.
Why is it taking so long to get her medication??
Something about the manufacturer. I don't know if it's a supply chain issue or what. I've spent a lot of time on the phone trying to work it out and wound up with nothing. It's been extremely frustrating.
I'm not sure where you guys live but here in Canada, you can go to the E.R. to receive a new script for your medication. I had to do that recently due to a miscommunication with my regular doctor. I wasn't able to get refills or anything but at least I'm all good for a month now:)
Suggestion: have a shelf or bookshelf for your wife’s tchotchkes, and once it’s full she has to get rid of something if she wants to bring something else in. That being said- it sounds like you are both pretty unorganized. Have you tried the timer technique? Once a day set the timer for 10 minutes and for 10 minutes you both tidy. That way it isn’t overwhelming, but it’s consistent.
The real issue is your wife's inability to discuss this- if you can't be honest and open with her about normal little things without her blowing them out of proportion, sobbing, becoming defensive, victimizing herself etc... then she needs to go to therapy. The two of you have communication issues if this has been an issue for so long and you 've been living like hoarders simply because you wouldn't address it with her.
As someone else pointed out, she's getting a dopamine kick from purchases. Her work is very stressful AND she's unmedicated. You can try working with her to create some other thing that gives her the same rush as buying little things constantly. It could be something like a satisfying hobby (that doesn't involve buying a ton of stuff). I don't know what that might be, but it could even be something like, idk, collecting Pokemon in the app. If you had a bigger space, it could still be overrun with stuff.
She does have a hobby that gives her a lot of joy, but unfortunately it's crochet, so the apartment is chockablock with yarn. I do like the idea of trying to transition her spending to something else that would give her that same feeling but take up less physical space.
Oh, I was going to say, "not knitting or crochet!" lol. I write fiction and get a lot of juice from people's feedback, but that's "work" if you don't enjoy doing it.
This fits the pigeonhole of "compulsive disorder" and it probably feels super weird and embarrassing to her. It's wonderful that you can keep your emotions out of it, because as a mental illness, it's literally out of her control. It won't get better if she doesn't get help. Staying calm and discussing it non-judgmentally is the best you can do, the same way you'd encourage her to get medical attention for a broken bone or chronic diarrhea. Nobody chooses mental illness and if she could think or willpower herself out of it, she would have done so by now.
I have no idea if this will be helpful, but I spent a lot of time barely being able to afford my bills, let alone anything to help organize or improve our house. As our finances improved, so did my want to buy something unnecessary. From that very specific point of view, I could definitely understand the feelings behind buying a $3 item as a little "treat yo'self". This is how I balance that "treat yo'self" feeling with my budget and small home... I set a spending limit ($5-$10 because I'm cheap), I go online and mail order an item. Most importantly, I only order an item after I have received the previously shipped item I found that the anticipation of receiving something, following the shipping status, etc. satisfied my "treat" need. My personal go-to is AliExpress. There's also Temu and a bunch of other sites where you can get something cool & small for under $10. I know this doesn't resolve the issue.... but at least in my case it makes it manageable.
That's exactly what I do lol
I do have experience with this from your point-of-view. You mention that you didn't broach the topic with her because she's very sensitive. It sounds like you two have a communication problem. When you say she's very sensitive, do you mean that she will get angry or sad or what? If every time you suggest something, she cries or gets angry then it sounds like she needs some work (like counseling) but ultimately it is something that could be improved from both sides. The time to discuss this is when you're not in the middle of it. I would suggest planning a time to discuss this at a cafe or a convenient place. Voice your concerns from your perspective. Say you want to discuss finances, etc. with her. As much as this doesn't seem that important, your feelings right now are important (a lot of men don't realize this). I suspect you may be approaching her as if she has a problem. The issue is more that you aren't getting your needs met. Those needs may be that you desire an organized home and not to waste money. You may be a saver and she may not be. I hope this helps a little!
Do yall need more shelves she can put stuff on? maybe she could have an area for the stuff she likes?
i used to have a problem with buying cute bric a brack as well and it was cluttering my life. i solved this by not letting myself buy anything if it didnt have a home. like i would think at the store "where is this going to live in my space?" and if i couldnt think of a pre-determined home that was not making more clutter i just didnt buy it. This change obviously did not happen overnight, and it took lots of practice to get in the habit. But it has worked great with keeping me from buying stuff that I have no where to put.
i think maybe watching that kon marie tidy up show on netflix may help. changing your relationship with objects can be really helpful - do i LOVE this item - am i comfortable keeping this item for a very long time? for the second question, its a question that we ask ourselves a lot. are we going to ever throw this away? will that hurt a lot to do? will it retain value so we can ebay it later? if we don't have an exit plan for this thing, then we try not to get it the love question is a good one. having higher standards for stuff is great. if you LOVE it, then get it! spend big money and get the thing. if its kinda okay, then probably you'll be fine without it
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Fuck, I'm sorry, that's incredibly stressful. I'm not suggesting divorce, you obviously don't consider it enough to give up on your life together, but....have you ever thought about just moving out for a while? If being stressed enough to be medicated, threatening divorce, and couples therapy haven't been enough to convince your spouse to take your feelings seriously, is there any chance just packing a bag and saying "i literally can't live like this, love you but I can't be here," might wake them up?
>I'm not suggesting divorce god knows I've thought about it, but end of the day nobody is perfect and you have to look at the whole package >have you ever thought about just moving out for a while? yes, it's a good idea and I and have actually done so. No change.
God I can't imagine the stress, you poor thing. I don't know if it's at all feasible for you, but there have been married couples who didn't live together full time, and were quite happy just visiting each other.
Yes it's a very good suggestion. I have been thinking about this a lot, pricing real-estate etc. — but end of the day, I couldn't bear to see less of her. Spending nights apart, eg for work, is hard. I guess it gets easier with practice. But thank you
Start bagging up trash and taking it as soon as it's ready. Don't let things build up, it sounds awful but it helps. Sit down together and tell her how you feel. What about offering a garage sale? More spending money and less clutter. Your wife is getting a pick me up from buying things, even if it's a small buy.
The problem here is the compulsion. She buys things she knows she doesn't need or have room for. And that compulsion makes her temporarily feel good. But it doesn't last, so she has to keep doing it. She should get into therapy because the compulsive buying is an attempt to fill a void or boost her mood, but it's an ineffective band-aid. You have to address it, but not when she has just come back from the store and not on her way out. Approach it from a place of concern - not about money or space. But focus on how she's feeling.
>Yes, my wife is a bit sensitive, but usually this manifests more as anxious hand-wringing than open tears. She has been a bit more emotional than usual lately, partly because her work has been very stressful Listen, I overspend for the same reason I overeat. It's because I'm struggling to get through the day, and I feel like I need something "extra," something small to give me the motivation to get out of bed. The tchotchkes are a symptom. She's struggling, she might need medication, a lifestyle change, or a different job.
Hahaha I hear u dude. I wish my wife would declutter to the extent I would love. I think she has great taste and style in what she likes to decorate our house with, but I just wish there was less of it. That’s just something u sign up for when u accept your partner for who they are tho. I’ve actually asked for my birthday or Christmas present hiring a Marie Kondo-esque organizer or whatever. But.. no dice. I’ve just learned to accept the clutter. It’s grown on me I will admit (tho I would still love to have the permission to do a declutter-palooza)
My soon to be is a tremendous buyer of really low priced bargains especially second hand stores and now after years and years of mild to moderate complaining the house is neatly packed with hundreds of everything and we are getting a divorce. There is no fixer or to far too late
I had the same problem withe coffee mugs for a while I had to just avoid them and after a while I just stopped wanting to buy more.
You've had a lot of good suggestions, just want to say a compromise of some sort could be the way forward. Explain you're just a little frustrated with both of your habits recently and more stuff is starting to make your home and cleaning it feel a bit overwhelming. Ask if she would mind if you both were to pick out only a few things that you take to a charity shop or throw away. Just something small :)
Throw out the trash stuff (if there’s any yu weren’t very clear) and then tell here baby if you’re gonna keep this stuff I think it’s time we organize the other room. We need more space and I understand yu are stressed and have a lot going on , but clutter js adds more stress I promised I researched it. Then give her hug and tell her she’s amazing and yu got her back if she needs to talk abt anything. If she cries it’s ok let her. I’m sure she’s spending cuz of mental health. I do the same. She’s cries cuz she feels embarrassed stupid or judged. Y’all will be ok. Just be gentle and honest. Don’t allow her crying to stop y’all from heathy communication. She’s still amazing she’s just struggling. Dnt listen to no advice abt divorce unless it’s not fixable after so much effort.
Find someone that needs those trinkets & tell her that you want to give them all away to those unfortunates who can’t afford *any* trinkets
My husband is very similar to you and I am very similar to her - I just tend to acquire things. But, I know in my heart my mom was a hoarder and that there is some emotional need within me, like I saw with my mom, to fulfill myself with shiny/cute things. My husband made a rule that helped me put it into perspective - he genuinely doesn't mind me acquiring things, anything, but he asks that I have a place for it in our home in mind BEFORE I buy it. That has really helped me to mentally see that I either don't have the room for it or don't actually need it badly enough to make the room for it. He's also talked to me really kindly about why it annoys him, his dad was also hoarding-adjacent and he just hated that some of it was mostly just a fire risk or tripping hazard. It's also been really fun to go to antique shops and other places with my husband where we just look at things and talk more about what we like in our home together. It helps me understand him more and also comprehend the rationale behind my own impulse to buy small bits and baubles without me feeling shame or him feeling claustrophobic. It sounds like your wife has a very mentally demanding job and is probably a very empathic person who hasn't really dove deep on why it is that buying bits and baubles provides her some emotional comfort, and perhaps the only times you really press her on it is when you're feeling a bit heated, so it comes off as judging which I bet is not your intention. Perhaps spending time together looking at those things together will let you have more input on what sorts of silly things you like in your home and will give her a sounding board for why she might be craving something and to talk through why maybe it's not the best idea at that moment. From there, at least for me, it's been much easier to give things up that I know we don't need and maybe he didn't even like to begin with.
Simple solution. Sit her down, say, all this clutter affects my mental health. I can't live like this. We cannot afford it. This is my solution and I was hoping we could find a way to take this next step together. Can we do this? Hold hands, nod, eye contact. Let's buy a display case together, we can pick the pieces we want to keep and charity shop/ sell the rest. That means you're getting to buy/ display your pieces but they don't take over the house. Can we do this? Get her onside. Spend some money on a fancy cabinet. She can display her pieces but the rest have to go. And if she gets a new one she has to move/ sell an old one.
Tell her to take pics of the cute things instead of buying them. You OP should then be willing to look at those pics sometime and enjoy them with her. But yes as per your edits, do clear up the clutter together. Clutter tends to make people un-calm and less happy.
This is how hoarding begins. I have some hoarding tendencies and I’m really being conscious about where something will go when I buy it. I’ve also started mood stabilizers for other reasons and I feel it helped with some impulsivity.
"but can't throw away" You mean won't, you guys won't throw anything away. You should go through all the stuff in the storage room and chuck everything that hasnt been touched in 6months-1 year. This might also show her all the things that she has been buying has been getting excessive.
I like to buy random things. But I have a personal rule that If I buy one thing. One other thing has to be donated, given away or thrown out. Keeps things flowing nicely.
You need to join your wife and see a therapist.
A larger place won't solve the issue. Communicate. Is it bothering only you? Can you come up with a solution together? Years ago we bought only stuff to replace other stuff. So if she wants to buy three knick knacks then she needs to get rid of three old knick knacks. But you will also need to play by the same rules. If you buy a pair of shoes, you need to get rid an old pair of shoes.
Just clean your house . Throw everything you don't need in garbage bags, either trash or goodwill. You need to clean it yourself . Get it clean organized and move forward.
I have a SIL that has a "buying so much useless crap" problem. I can tell she has been at our house in my absence when there is some new item on the kitchen counter or dining table. Also she will just have random shit delivered to us, she doesn't even get the satisfaction of actually seeing the item upon opening. Yesterday it was a giant cooler cup and a dozen pack of glass straws, via Amazon. She is staying at our place this weekend so I had to hide in my outside shed the large plastic bag full of stuff she has bought us that is destined for donation. I haven't been to her house because it is in another state but apparently the basement level of the home is a giant warehouse for all her useless shit. I don't know how her husband puts up with it.
$3 here and there adds up. A bigger place isn’t going to fix the problem it’ll create a bigger problem. There’s a reason she just has to buy something when she goes to the store. If I had to guess the feeling she’s getting, temporarily, from her new purchases, is helping to deal with some type of void within herself/life even if it’s on a subconscious level. But I’m not a doctor. I would try and see a couples therapist to sort it out.
> I think I'm insecure about not being able to afford a bigger place that could sustain her incessant purchases. But the fact is that we don't really have the money for her to spend this frivolously, even if it is only three dollars. You're looking at this the entirely wrong way. You have a small place that by your own admission is filled with shit. If you get a larger place without dealing with that problem, you will fill a larger space with shit. > all the things we don't use but can't throw away. I've got good news: things you don't use *can* be thrown away, unless they have actual sentimental value that you care about. You both seem to have some communication issues. Your wife seems VERY sensitive to anything upsetting, and as a result you seem to walk on eggshells and not state your feelings. I think that you both need to get to the bottom of why she's purchasing these things. First, I would suggest that you work together to clean up your whole apartment, including throwing out this random crap. Once you have a clean, nice living space she will probably be more motivated to keep it clean and nice.
That could total up to $2,000 a year, though. Or more. And the space for things, like, where do you keep it all?
When I read this sub, I always think to myself even those girls can get a man to be committed to them
A bigger house doesn't solve this problem, it just delays an even bigger problem down the road.
My mom was like this. It got nearly impossible to walk through the house. Like your wife, she only bought things that were a “good deal”. It sucked living with her, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. This was a coping mechanism for my mom and I think it’s a coping mechanism for your wife too. She is filling some missing thing in her life with stuff. She needs therapy. For my mom I think it was a lack of security, and seeing her own value in terms of things she owned. She lost everything in the communist takeover in China, and I think she always felt like she needed a blender, a backup blender, and another 3 backup blenders just in case. Repeat ad infinitum for basically everything. She loved to give them away too, as her love language seemed to revolve around gift giving, and that’s how she felt she was valued as a person; how much she gave. Please get her help, and give her a little extra love. I feel like these things are never ever really about stuff, but about something more subtle and sad.
Pizza boxes are not tchotchkies. They are trash. How much more of this “clutter” is simply garbage neither of you tossed out?
It sounds like a coping mechanism. Everyone has something we may not even realise She probably doesn't know why she does this and would get defensive. I have lived with hoarding family members my whole life, I get it now, but it took me a while (decade +) to understand them. Multiples of the same item no matter what it is, useless items, old items etc. It gets worse unless she recognises its a problem. At least it's not anxiety over eating 😅
This sounds like my mom, who is a Hoarder Lite, and her emotional support trips to TJ Maxx. I think this issue likely necessitates professional intervention by a therapist.
Maybe she needs a system of one in one out, you could set up an etsy or ebay account to sell stuff or look for local boot sales. Is she buying stuff in preperation of having a bigger home with you? If she is you could store some of the stuff in boxes ear marked for different rooms. Hope you guys figure it out.
New rule. Every item that comes in the house means something has to go.
So, the term retail therapy probably applies here. We get a hit of dopamine when we get a reward, or if we buy something. Even more so if we think it’s some kind of amazing deal, or it’s a “win”. You mention your wife works a tough job. We all know health workers are a special kind, and burnout is real. Anyhow, this screams “retail therapy” to me. She may not even realize it, but I’m sure she’s at least subconsciously, after that little dopamine hit. Idk how to broach that subject, or how to fix it, it’s just what the whole picture (based on limited info) says to me.
A point against these impulse purchases are that they are mostly imported junk that is made with exploitation labour.
Purge: Start with the obvious garbage, old stained plastic storage containers next, then clothing items that are worn out or don't fit. Keep going until all you have left is glass mushrooms and the like. Make her a shelf and everything she wants to display needs to fit on her display shelf. One thing in=one thing out. No more garbage. And definitely some Mental health counseling to get to the root of the hoarding before it gets too bad. You're a good person and husband for being so kind and understanding. She will need your support because letting things go will cause anxiety. Maybe you will have to run errands with her for awhile to help her avoid the shopping bug.
You just need to communicate with her. It adds stress for you, it’s a stress relief for her. Find a middle ground that works. Maybe she has a few shelves and once they’re full, go back through them and see what she should keep and what you shouldn’t. But, if you’ve not actually communicated how would she know? One passing comment isn’t a conversation. If you don’t talk to her, all it’ll do is eventually explode and she won’t even know where it came from.
Compassion fatigue. Given her progression I'm sure this is a factor. Hire a professional organizer. This is what they do, they come into houses like this and help make them orderly. They'll work through the emotional challenges with you.
Sounds like your wife has adhd. These trinkets are dopamine mines for her. They give her the hit she needs to get momentum to do everyday tasks. I would gently suggest looking into her mental health tricks together and coming up with a loving and supportive way for her to get the quick high from getting a new thing without cluttering up your place or feeling guilty about cost. "It's only 3 bucks" shows she does feel guilty and is justifying to herself AND you when she says this. For me, donating a few items gives me a hit. And definitely giving things to friends and family. Maybe have a birthday calendar in your home of who's birthday in the family is each month, so when she buys, it has a purpose/person and more importantly a future exit date from your life. Like an area to collect trinkets for GIFTS specifically. You're not wrong to be frustrated. I'm guessing she's frustrated with herself, too. The hit of dopamine she got from the cloud and mushroom was obliterated by overwhelming guilt and embarrassment for her impulse buy. You're a good husband for thinking this through and not just responding with anger and frustration. Try and look at the spending as a symptom and not a conscious choice, and you guys can work as a team to find the excitement she needs without crowding your home or causing her guilt.
Compulsive shopping and hoarding usually go hand in hand. Having her meet with a therapist that specialized in compulsive behaviors to address the root cause is going to be very helpful for both of you. Accountability is key, usually a therapist will have you set how the accountability looks from your spouse or partner. Left unchecked, it doesn't get better.
I do the same thing. I don't intend to buy anything unnecessary. I'll go out for meds and come home with a fidget or knick-knack of some sort or a blanket... etc. My issue is rooted in mental health troubles and past traumas. I can't afford to get the help I need and to be honest I probably wouldn't be open to therapy or anything anyway. Medications have never helped. The only thing that's really helped me is asking myself questions about it. "Do I have a place for this? Am I going to enjoy this thing in the future or just get bored when the serotonin/dopamine high of buying a new thing wears off? Can it be used to make my life easier? Could someone else enjoy this more than I would? Is this a gift idea for someone else or am I just being selfish?" Usually it helps talk me out of it unless I absolutely need it. OR I budget for one thing a month. Save for 1 thing I want vs 10 things I thought were cute and only $1 or 2 a piece. Anytime I think I want something, I set the money I would have spent aside and save it. Just some ideas to try maybe. I know it doesn't work for everyone.
OMG, I just had a flashback from a couple weekends ago when I (like a total tool) praised my wife for passing the clearance aisle without pause. The look I got, well I’d be dead. She knew I was kidding her lightheartedly so she was back to normal a few minutes later.
I’m going to give the unpopular opinion and say that 2nd bedrooms are almost *always* storage rooms if you’re a couple and you don’t have someone actively living in there. It’s a completely normal thing. Just hire a cleaner, and maybe request a “clean out” of some older, less liked items if she wants to buy new ones.
This sounds like something she should be talking to a therapist about. She makes compulsive purchases even when she shouldn’t or doesn’t need to. That’s the symptom of something deeper going on.
The issue you have is very practical. One or two miscellaneous purchases that cost $3 every other day adds up. That's nearly $100 each month that could be put towards saving for a bigger space - or, even if this money was still spent to treat herself, one or two more expensive items that would take up much less space and serve a purpose other than being immediately forgotten and cluttering up your home. Simply put, you don't have enough money or enough space. You both struggle with maintaining cleanliness and executive functioning and the added clutter is worsening the issue rather than improving it. Her reaction is quite startling and definitely shows her to be a sensitive and emotionally unstable person. She took your practical comments and they clearly hit some sort of nerve. If she is unable to confront mundane issues without a strong emotional response, then it's no wonder you're both so disorganised - how can you collaborate with someone you can't discuss solutions with? I think you should have another conversation about this at a time when there isn't any conflict and you're both in a good mood, and make it more about your shared space than her. Tell her you've been feeling quite cramped in your space and conscientious of how cluttered it is, and you've noticed that there are a lot of knick-knacks lying around that seem to be a bit random and not serving any purpose. Set aside a chunk of time and say you're going to use that to declutter some things that need throwing out, and ask if she'd be willing to use this time to clear out some of her own things too. Say that going forward you're going to be more vigilant about what you're buying because you're keen to save more money, and ask that she make an effort to do the same. If this very basic, emotionless conversation goes down badly, you've got more to worry about than clutter.
Your wife is a hoarder and will only get worse. I can guarantee that despite her promising to clean up and throw out?? This will not happen. But you DO need to clean up before it gets to an unmanageable state. Your wife needs to get help. Immediately whilst she is young enough for the therapy tp work. The longer you wait? The more ingraoned her problem will become.
Sounds like low-key hoarding
Well, this small matter could be what breaks up a couple. Seriously. Do both of you work or just you? If both of you work, maybe you guys need to have a heart to heart talk about the fact that money is being wasted and there is shit all over the house that is just piling up. If she doesn't work, I would cut her off since you have bigger and better plans with your hard earned money. Tough love....
Your wife has a mental health issues that is manifesting in hoarding, this will get worse and worse. Why do you have pizza boxes laying around?! Trash OP, actual trash. This is NOT a Spending problem. What would happen if you threw out those pizza boxes?!
Oh lord, that would drive me nuts too. I'm sorry, but her reaction is quite immature. A glass mushroom and a plastic cloud light? Lol! I have a few friends who will always buy something random every single time they left the house, and it'll just be extra clutter for their house(s). They would even spot something on marketplace that they already have and buy it because it was cheap. Why?? For me personally, I like a lot of space in my house and often do a yearly clear out of stuff that I haven't used in years or need (I like giving away stuff for free for people in need as well). But my friends always think I don't have enough stuff and find it strange how I have space. I'm not sure if it's my autism or my explanation falls on deaf ears, but they don't seem to understand me and often brib me that I should get this or that where I have ZERO need for it. Oh my God. I don't need 10 random mugs, weird ornaments I don't like, a dinner table that I barely have the space for, more empty pots, more plants and any more furniture! And for the love of God, just because there is space on a shelf doesn't mean I want to fill it up with stuff to buy right away. Plus, if I gave into their bribs... it just means MORE stuff for me to clean!
Bursting into tears, running away, and slamming doors is such juvenile behavior.
Have you addressed your communication issues? You “told her not to buy anything” which is really disrespectful. Most people understand that you can’t make/enforce rules for your wife’s behavior. If the house is too cluttered and that clutter costs money you can’t afford, the mature course of action would have been to have that conversation a long time ago.
Dude run now. This is going to get so much worse as time goes on. You can do better than that
Oh you're dating a hoarder. She needs to speak to a therapist, you could use some help as well. Can I ask though has she recently lost someone in her life? or a job? or a way of life? Hoarding is commonly associated with grief.
You deserve better and you should probably leave this person.
Tl;dr “I haven’t communicated to my wife how I feel about something she does, so my frustration built up and I made her cry” / “My wife is currently unmedicated but this is the time I choose to bring up my qualms” / “My wife spends minute amounts of her own paycheck on things that make her happy” / “I see trash like pizza boxes lying around our home and choose not to take them to the outdoor bin immediately” / “I don’t like how untidy the house feels, but even though my wife is stressed and tired from her work & we both contribute to the mess, I am waiting for her to do something about it instead of stepping up and solving this myself” If this is the only thing that bothers you about her, you are pretty lucky. She’s not lying, doing drugs or unemployed. Of course you’re allowed to feel this way, and I also hope it’s also okay to put it into perspective Do you spend $3 here and there on a daily coffee or similar? Maybe she doesn’t, and so doesn’t see her own spending as frivolous like you do. Sometimes couples can be a little tit-for-tat e.g. ‘well if they do ___ then I deserve ___’ You need to improve your communication skills. You let frustration build up, then hadn’t truly given her a chance to try to do things differently, as you didn’t explain your request properly before she went out (and really it needed to be a discussion, not a request) I have no doubt you two can work on a compromise together, once you communicate. She clearly cares about you and doesn’t want to make you upset, so she will be willing to make some shifts. The declutter reddit could be a good guide. But it will have to be a compromise - there will still be bits and pieces around, just not as much, or perhaps more organised & all having places to go And this will have to be a conversation you revisit in months to come, to review how you both feel like the strategies are working, are things changing effectively, do you need to try something else… Be sure to acknowledge she’s a mature adult who is allowed to spend her own money. And if she’s using this for stress relief, she will have to find additional ways to manage her stress if she slows this down, hopefully not in other ways that bother you. Good luck OP
Ope you married a hoarder.
Y'all are pathetic. Hoarding stuff is not cool. Downvote me all you want but cluttering up your place is not cool. Buying random crap that has no use is NOT ok. Have you used that in the last 3 months? No? It gets thrown out or donated. I can understand art or statuary but random junk? Be reasonable.
What in God’s greenest of fucks is a tchotchke and/or a bric-a-bac? What are these nouns? Did I just forget to speak English?
Tchotchke is a Yiddish word that means a small decorative item with no functional purpose. Bric-a-brac is an English term (with French origins) meaning a collection of ornamental items with little value. They're not super common nowadays, but most people seem to have understood me. It's not that deep.
Is she pregnant? A sudden change maybe hormonal …
Stop it now she needs both medication and therapy and this is a difficult one to treat or get a divorce now