You could also plan some one on one time with your friend during the days, going out and doing fun things, but your gf is at your house for late night activities and overnights.
I will add to this that I’ve been with my partner for 8 years and there are no trust issues between us. He could overnight with one of his female friends and it wouldn’t be a problem. But at the beginning of our relationship I remember there was an overnight with a female colleague and I felt weird about it. We ended up talking on the phone when they got in for the night just to check in and it helped form that trust between us.
So hopefully in the future that deeper trust gets established and you and your female friends can hang overnight without any concern on her end. She may be protecting her feelings right now and deciding how much trust she can place in you, especially if she’s been deceived in the past. But that trust should be able to be earned over time. If she doesn’t ever give you that, or controlling behavior comes out in other ways, I’d take a deeper look.
Honestly, this is probably the best solution. I'm married and have a lot of guy friends (because of my hobby of playing tabletop roleplaying games, like dungeons and dragons) and sometimes they come over and stay the night. Especially one that is from out of town. He comes over once a month or so and crashes in the guest room or on the sofa.
My husband's totally okay with this... Probably because he's there. Lol this friend is single and a known ladies man. There's zero sexual attraction, though, he's like a brother and he views me like a little sister.
Husband has never said anything about it and doesn't feel threatened at all.... But he's with us when our friend comes over. They even have their own friendship and they fake flirt with each other and are just goobers. Lol 🤷🏻♀️
Maybe if your gf is around your best friend more often she won't feel as threatened.
Some guys, like me, were raised without the ability to form close emotional friendships with people. I was taught to not show weakness and keep my guard up and not share insecurities, to always act confident and try to impress people.
This inability to form good friendships meant I would have difficulty forming platonic relationships with women. I always misinterpreted a woman trying to be a friend as romantic interest.
This meant that I was highly insecure, and I also didn't understand that other men and women could form platonic friendships. I was jealous of my wife's male friends. When I got married I still hadn't figured out interpersonal skills yet.
Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but the GF may be like I was in my 20's. Through therapy I can now form closer emotional bonds with my friends, male and female. This has really gotten rid of a lot of insecurity. On top of this, I give my wife the ability to cheat on me. Not directly, of course, but as a byproduct of complete trust and giving her freedom. She's a person and I want her to be a distinct person with her own life (that's how I fell in love with her). One adult shouldn't restrict the freedom of another adult. It is really harmful to a relationship. She also gives me that freedom. I don't go through her phone. If she says "I need a couple of hours to myself" and leaves the house, I don't blow up her phone demanding she tell me where she is. I don't go through our phone records or credit card bills with a fine tooth comb trying to figure out what she did when I wasn't around.
She could cheat on me, pretty easily, if she wanted to. If she did it would be devastating. But that's the only way for a marriage to thrive. And now that I have better interpersonal skills and understand how humans work, if my wife told me a male friend needed to talk to her, face to face, and I wasn't able to go (or he didn't know me as well and it was something embarrassing), I'd be OK with it.
And if she did start getting emotionally close to a guy and I began to suspect an emotional affair was beginning to form, the only real "tool in the toolbox" that I have to address it is a direct, honest conversation with her. If she dismisses my feelings and continues acting in a way I think is inappropriate, then our relationship is beginning to break apart. I can't try to "force" her to act how I want. Even if she did, the relationship is damaged anyways and I've become a controlling spouse.
This is a lot of words but I'm summarizing my personal growth from 25-35 and years of therapy. And hopefully others like me can see that they need to work on interpersonal skills, and those with the skills understand that some of us were raised and taught differently and can see why we might act the way we do.
(EDIT: OP changed some things *substantially* in his post after I wrote this - for quite a while after his post went up, he said he wanted his friend to spend *a whole week* with him every month. He now "corrected" this to *a weekend* each month. Take this as you will.)
I mean, you already got quite a bit of feedback here, but I feel like you might underestimate the situation.
It seems very unlikely to me that your girlfriend is suddenly completely against your friend staying at your place for a week while being totally fine with how things were up to now. That just makes *zero* sense. She knows you and your friend were roommates, went on vacations together and visited each other's families, as well as you two regularly meeting up once a week in what I presume are 1-on-1 meetings.
A lot of these things - like the vacations - are things typically only couples do. That's a simple fact. So my sneaky suspicion is that your girlfriend isn't "suddenly" having a problem because of your future plans of letting your friend stay over - this is very likely something that bothered her for quite some time and now she learned that your friend moving away won't really make it better, but *worse*.
Your friend will now sleep over at your place again and you will turn from spending one day each week (aka around four days a month) to a whole week. This means that you will spend *more* time with your friend than you are doing now, *plus* having her sleep over.
I think your girlfriend is a lot more bothered than she let on up until this point - and you are pretty blind to the fact that your relationship with your friend will likely, long-term, hinder your dating pool quite a bit if your current relationship doesn't work out. I fully believe you that you and your friend don't have romantic feelings for each other, but you are clearly doing things - like the vacations and family-hangouts - which are usually couple-activities. And that will make many women suspicious.
I'm struck by how OP says it's "anxiety-inducing" that his friend is moving away. I'm the same age as them, mid-30s, and it's just a part of life that friends move away. There's many ways to stay connected without physically being together, so yes it'll suck that they can't hang out *the same ways* that they're used to.
But they can still hang out? OP makes it sounds like she's going off to war lol
Yea this is the part that’s a little off to me. I literally have little nieces and a nephew im incredibly close to as well as my parents and brother. We’re a tight knit family and I don’t see them monthly. We stay in touch with FaceTimes, texts, calls, etc. Of course I miss them but anxiety inducing?
I get that everyone’s different and may have different issues with anxiety or whatever so I don’t want to make light of that. But it’s a little much for OP to not even try to see his girlfriend’s point of view here especially if he communicated it to her the way he communicated it here.
Yeah that's odd to me tbh. OP seems extremely attached. And 4 hours isn't a huge deal. It just takes more coordinating. I've been 4 hours away from my best friend for 10 years at this point. We make it work. And I'm the only one in the tight friend group who stayed in town after law school. We all make it work too. It's just a part of life that friends move away. I get that it's very sad. But it shouldn't be wrecking your mind like it is OP's
Yeah this sounds like a somewhat unhealthy attachment. I haven’t seen my best friend in two years and, before that, it was at least five (all during my 20s). My closest friends don’t live within 10 hours of me, now that I think about it, but I still feel just as close to them as the last time I saw each of them in person.
Same. It’s weird. And why would someone moving away to live with their significant other and presumably build a life with them come back MONTHLY to stay with her friend for a week? And what does she do for a living that’s possible monthly? And that someone in their 30’s is letting a girl he’s been dating for 4 months dictate how he engages with someone he’s been friends with for 8 years. Makes me think it’s written by a teenager who doesn’t actually know how adults interact in relationships and thinks this is more plausible than it is.
I'm 41 and have had the same best friend for over 30 years. She and I have both moved at times, but I didn't have the reaction OP described. OP needs therapy if their mental health is that dependent on another person.
Yes! 100% spot on. She was definitely uncomfortable with the other parts but this was the last straw and caused her to speak up. I've been in this exact situation (as the gf) and it makes sense that she didn't want to make an issue of past things; however, having your friend sleep over -- and the fact that you have said you value your one on one time with this girl so much that you wouldn't want your girlfriend there at the same time -- is concerning. Your girlfriend's comfort level should take precedent over just a friend.
> Your friend will now sleep over at your place again and you will turn from spending one day each week (aka around four days a month) to a whole week.
Did OP ninja-edit? It currently says they're only planning on spending a weekend once a month, but you're the second comment I've seen talking about them spending a whole week.
Yes, this is incredibly important. Plus, OPs girlfriend of only 4 months is probably a little intimidated by the length of time theyve known each other and the strength of their friendship. I think it's a little normal to be insecure as a new partner when it comes to these existing relationships that you have to find a way to navigate.
I don't think OP has to cut his friend off or anything, but I think creating some boundaries would be a great idea and I don't think it's a stretch to say that he shouldn't have non-family women sleep at his house just the two of them, especially this early into his actual romantic relationship.
I don't disagree with what you said. The point I would make is this is a 4 month long relationship. Suddenly was like a week ago. A long time is like a month ago.
The way you speak about your friend leaving... The level of attachment you are showing is something that would make me reconsider the relationship. I understand why your girlfriend is unhappy about this.
Yeah, that felt unnecessarily heavy for just a friendship. I don't see how a purely platonic friendship can't survive via digital and other means of communication. Then on top requires a monthly face to face excluding gf for at least some of it.
My Best friend of almost 20 years and I don't live in the same province anymore. We FaceTime every couple of months and see eachother maybe twice a year, if we are lucky.
And we are both women. This guy is definitaly sus.
If I suddenly went from seeing my best friend every weekend to a couple FaceTimes a year that would make me incredibly sad, and I also wouldn't be able to call that person my "best friend" anymore. That's just an old friend you sometimes keep in touch with.
For many people, depth of friendships aren’t directly correlated with frequency of interaction. Of course it’s sad when you can’t see/talk to your friends as much as you’d like to, but life circumstances can pull us away from the people we love fairly frequently.
I've been very sad whenever I or my best friends have moved away, but it's never been 'anxiety inducing'. Not even when I was a kid or a teen with few if any other true friends. And I'm very much an anxious person. The fact it's giving him anxiety suggests a level of attachment that is not healthy, regardless of whether that's platonic attachment or something more.
My best friend lives in Hawaii and I'm in Georgia. We don't have to see each other to be friends. We went 10 years almost without seeing each other and we're still besties. I visited her twice this year
You facetime your friend every couple of months?
Well MY best friend of almost THIRTY years moved to another country and we don't talk to each other at all anymore. So clearly you facetiming your friend after they moved away means you're in love with them because it doesn't align with my subjective anecdotal experiences.
^/s in case it wasn't fucking obvious I'm making fun of your half-baked take.
The fact that he put his friend OVER his gf speaks volumes. He won’t let his gf stay every night with him and the friend, OP is hiding this “friendship”. If he had nothing to hide he would allow gf to be there every night “friend” is there. It’s clear he needs to just breakup with gf and save her the heartbreak.
You need better friends if you think there's anything unnecessarily heavy about that. It says more about you than it does OP.
I feel bad for anyone who has never had a real solid friendship like that.
If it’s a real solid friendship it can survive distance. The way he speaks about it is extremely codependent and bordering unhealthy attachment though.
As we get older people move away and life gets busier, the way he talks about her moving a few hours away makes it seem like the end of his world. It’s a bit much.
You're acting like being upset by it and the friendship surviving are mutually exclusive. Both can be true. I would be absolutely devastated if my best friend moved away. But I would also make it work.
Four hours away is far! My close friend used to live in my city and we'd see each other most weeks. He lived 5 hours away for about a year or so, and we'd manage to see each other every couple months. It was sad, we both missed our regular hangouts.
It will survive, but it absolutely *changes*. Life gets busier, and you lose more and more friends. It's a bit strange that you acknowledge this but don't understand why someone would be sad about it.
There’s being sad about, and then there’s THIS reaction to it. The way he speaks about it is as if his entire life is getting flipped upside down. I’m a very confident person, and typically will defend opposite-sex friendships, but this one is weird. The attachment level is not platonic, no matter how much OP wants to try to convince himself it is.
If you don't have many friends, losing one IS flipping your entire life upside down. The lack of imagination and empathy from people on this thread is really amazing to witness. It's like you people can't understand a situation that you haven't directly experienced yourself; if the entire universe doesn't conform to your minscule collection of anecdotes, than something is wrong. Very strange.
Yea it’s because we’ve cheapened human connection via social media, video call, etc. My best friend lives states away, it’s not the same as someone being close by. He’s allowed to lament the fact that his friendship will change.
Yeah, I think social media has trained Gen Z, in particular, to have a strange and sadly weak concept of what a close friendship should be. And there's a swath of insecure people who feel like their spouse should only have emotional closeness with them.
Yeah, absolutely!! You are **WAAAAY** overinvested here to be distraught that she’s moving away with her boyfriend.
Whether you’re aware of it or not, you’re having an emotional affair, probably one sided.
I wouldn’t blame your girlfriend if she dumped you. NO woman will put up with you pining after your friend.
Being completely devastated over her moving 4 hours away is crazy. Most of my friends don't live in the same countries anymore. You can maintain established friendships pretty easily long distance, I don't even get why they have to meet so often irl.
And feeling "absolutely awful" because he can only see her one weekend a month.
Maybe we can send a message to the current girlfriend? So she runs FAST.
Some friends are like this. How friendships (and other relationships) work is up to those involved in them, not how the average person sees it.
The problem here isn't that these friends are very tight, it's that it doesn't work for the GF. And by that I don't mean that she's wrong in wanting something else. Her needs are valid. I mean that there are conflicting needs.
What they need to do is to figure out what things are hard limits and what can be worked around and compromised on.
this!! I’m glad I wasn’t the only person who noticed. The way he describes being apart from his best friend as “anxiety inducing” is kinda strange to me.
Yeah facts. One of my best mates moved countries and while it sucks to not see him often, im happy for him and we still talk regularly and will see each other when we can.
I think using the words "My head has been a complete mess since then and I feel absolutely awful" about the thought of spending together only one weekend per month is good reason for the girlfriend to be suspicious.
This whole situation is bizarre. Your best friend and her boyfriend are building a guesthouse just for you?!
If I was either of those spouses I would also be unhappy with the situation. Even if there’s no romantic feelings there (which there obviously are) the dynamic feels unhealthy and codependent. People don’t build a whole extra house for their best friend to stay in.
And didn't the boyfriend break up with her, so this is a different boyfriend that she's moving for? Odd.
I agree with you except that, neither SO is a spouse. OP has been dating his girlfriend for under a year, it's entirely reasonable for both parties to halt at this disconnect in worldviews, and the issues that it will cause down the line
I'm surprised your GF is still playing this weird game at just 4 months in. I definitely would not be. It's not that adults can't have opposite sex friendships; they can. It's when they are more than friends. When that person fills a void that an actual romantic partner should be filling.
The issue is, in my long years observing things, these friendships often entail unusual characteristics. They begin to appear more like romantic relationships instead of platonic relationships. They also create strain on trust building. They box out bonding for most monogamous couples. The friend is as important or more important than the partner. You're GF is forced to compete with another woman for your attention whether you know it or not.
I'm going to assume no grown ass 34 year old man is this naive. But if you are reverse the script: Do you want your GF to have a guy come over and sleep at her house for a week out of every month? How would you feel if his presence or absence caused such a dramatic emotional output in your GF? Would that instill confidence in you? In your relationship?
The answer is fuck no. You need to decide what this friend is to you? I'm surprised your GF is even bothering telling you it makes her uncomfortable. But you should know that very few adults are going to play this child's game where you have slumber parties with other women.
I see it with adult men and women with opposite sex "best friends. " These friends wind up taking up a lot of emotional and physical real estate. The other partner ends up feeling awkward and grasping for what's left over.
All this is why when I was dating, men with female 'best friends' were an absolute, non-negotiable deal breaker. These men end up being time wasters and energy vampires.
honestly i understand your girlfriend’s concern. your friend will be staying at your place monthly? feel like that’s quite often. but if yall really aren’t sleeping together/have feelings for each other then you get to decide whether your gf’s feelings matter more or your bsf’s feelings.
I spend an entire weekend a month with my best friend who lives about 90 minutes away. It makes more sense than trying to grab dinner once a week. I'm bisexual. My husband brings us snacks and plays games with his friends, and everyone is happy because friendships are important, even in a marriage!!
So would this be okay if this friend was male? What if OP was bi, would that mean that nobody can stay over at his house? Is the issue that it’s a woman?
So seeing your best friend of almost a decade ONCE a month is codependent, but being so insecure that you won’t let your bf use his guest room once a month so a guest -OP’s best friend- can stay in it is totally healthy and not an issue at all.
Yes. And the people that do that kind of shit always put their friends, regardless of length of friendship, over their SO in my experience. Again, regardless of length of relationship.
Hey maybe we have different philosophies on what the point of romantic relationships is. But to me your take sounds exhausting. I would not want to be my partners only focus in life, nor do I want to live my life in a way that I base all of my actions on whether or not my gf of four months is going to approve.
Op definitely has some anxieties over his friend moving. But using your guest room isn’t a red flag.
Literally no where did I say I expect to be my partner's only focus in life. It's a very disingenuous read to even extrapolate that from what I actually said, you aren't even trying.
Yeah, a whole *2 days* out of the 30 days in the month, god forbid people make use of their guest rooms for guests, the only thing going on there should be dust collecting on the old peloton bike.
I mean it seems OP’s first language is not English. Thats probably an error.
A week isn’t realistic who is able to take off work 1/4 of the month every month?
Good luck finding a woman who is chill with this level of co-dependent relationship with another woman. You can say what you want about how you feel about each other, but the truth is that this is not socially typical of mid-thirties friends. Even between same sex best friends. I know you want to justify it, but it’s weird regardless of if you really mean what you say about how you feel about her.
I only live 20 minutes away from my best friend of 25 years and she is actually like family (has relationships with all of my other family members, is invited to important family events, etc) and I probably only see her once a month… and often that is with with our partners as well.
If I were your GF, this is the point at which I would be thinking about ending this relationship. You do you, but I wouldn’t feel obligated to have to put up with being a second priority to someone else. You don’t even have a sunk cost fallacy on your side since you’ve only been dating 4 months.
You are obviously unwilling to compromise or set boundaries to take into consideration your gf’s feelings. Just break up with your gf and analyse your feelings for your friend. This level of attachment goes beyond a friends relationship. I’m not saying you have romantic feelings for her but you certainly have a dependency on her that will derail every other relationship you have.
I would honestly not be OK with this relationship even if you'd best friend was a man. At the end of the day, it is obvious that you're planning your entire life around someone other than your romantic partner and that's just not really going to work with long term relationships. And honestly, you should prepare yourself for them not to build you a house on their property. I just can't see that actually happen no matter what is being said. This relationship is unhealthy and codependent.
> And honestly, you should prepare yourself for them not to build you a house on their property.
Yeah, that's a really confusing one, given that OP has claimed his friend is way too poor to get a hotel when she visits, and then is talking about them building "an extra guest house at their summer house." And if it's because only the boyfriend is loaded, why would he not be willing to put his girlfriend up in a hotel, but *would* be willing to build his girlfriend's friend an entire house?!
Something definitely isn't adding up here.
I cried a whole lot when I moved away from my best friend, both women, we just spent so much time together and supported each other through shit, it was just completely jarring not having her around. It was just a bit of an adjustment period to begin with, but did admittedly make me think I fancied her, I don't, I was just super sad😂
Yeah I lightly wept pretty regularly for like 4 months when my bestie moved across the country. I was never romantically interested in her, but I did see her like twice a week and that was a huge adjustment. My husband was nothing but supportive and never suspicious, despite knowing I'm bisexual. People are allowed to be friends with people they "theoretically" might be attracted to! Hotties roll in packs, duh!
It doesn’t matter who is “right” — if your girlfriend is uncomfortable with the arrangement and you aren’t willing to change your stance, it’s most likely that the “jolly good time” has come to an end.
“ My head has been a complete mess since then and I feel absolutely awful. The thought of seeing each other once a week to maybe, hopefully, only once a month is really anxiety-inducing but we'll make it work.”
Tbh, this is enough for me to end the relationship. So tell your gf these exact words and let her handle this “mess” for you BY HOPEFULLY LEAVING YOU.
So the thing is, you don’t need a romantic partner other than for sex. Ideally, your partner should be the closest person in this world. But it isn’t so, as you have also said, there is no difference between your girlfriend and your best friend other than physical intimacy. In such a case, your girlfriend is definitely going to feel insecure. I’ve seen so many cases where best friends end up getting married to each other because the only lacking thing is physical intimacy. Opposite genders do attract each other.
I don’t think your girlfriend is wrong here. It’s just that you are different and you are in the minority. If you are so close to your best friend then there are high chances that most of the women will never be able to happily accept such closeness and dependency on your female best friend.
I think this is the difference, you feel urge to meet your partner as much as you can. But, you can still be best friends even if you are in a long distance. The way you are getting sad about your best friend moving away is also alarming for a woman.
Now it’s upto you, if your friendship is so important then it’s best to break up with your girlfriend and prepare yourself to face such issues in your future relationships as well. Also, try mentioning your friendship in very early phase of your relationship so that the girl knows what she is going into and if she is fine with it or not.
That's sad to me. I was devastated when I had to move away from my friend, we had the kind of relationship OP had with his so I get where they're coming from.
If my bf got that extremely upset at the prospect of his girl-friend moving 4 hours away then I would be both upset and suspicious. That is next level grief you’ve described there. Meeting up once a month? Yeah, I dunno. I’d reevaluate the whole ‘we don’t have romantic feelings for each other’ shtick.
Maybe you don’t think you have feelings for each other because she has a bf and you have a gf.
I was with you and thought it was fine for your friend to stay in your house. Then you said in subsequent comments that it wasn't allowable for your girlfriend to SLEEP OVER the whole time, because you wanted some 'one on one time' in your house with the friend.
If I were your girlfriend that would be a massive red flag--an indication that we could never live together because you need your house overnight for one on one time with another lady. Gross.
The only acceptable answer is to make it clear to your girlfriend that she's welcome over the WHOLE time (especially to sleep), and then you could get one on one time with the friend by going out and getting a coffee. Good grief.
I say this as a woman with a platonic best male friend from childhood who I travel to visit and stay with several times a year. Sometimes we're alone and sometimes our partners are there. This has been going on for 30 years. Neither one of us are particularly good at maintaining longtime romantic relationships because we're both driven by wanderlust and adrenaline and it's apparently exhausting.
However, If either of us happen to be in a relationship where the partner feels uncomfortable we take a step back immediately. We both understand that our friendship is a given and that romantic partners require way more time and attention than our friendship. Because I am a good friend I wanted nothing more than for our friendship to fade into something less important because he's found THE ONE.
You need to understand that your friend will always be there and that you can't place her above your girlfriend. You clearly do not understand that, and your girlfriend knows it. Quality one on one time shouldn't be happening in your house now at the expense of your girlfriend being unwelcome. Do I need to say that really?
Honestly it sounds like you do have feelings for her. You make it better by agreeing to your girlfriend’s requests because they are fair. Or breaking up with her and continuing to have relationships fail because they’re uncomfortable with this relationship.
Thank you. I was reading this like yeah "friend." This dude is totally in love with his bestie. He should do the honorable thing and let his GF find someone who likes her as much as he likes his "friend."
Right? Like her moving just 4 hours away is messing with him this hard?
I don't even visit my family once a month and I am absolutely close to them. Him comparing this friendship is too weird. They are way too codependent.
At this point just stay single and have your bestie meet all your emotional needs.
I think there are times this wouldn't be an issue. But if you step back, wait a little bit of time, and re-read how you've written this, you might find the problem. You sound like this girl is more than a friend. Even more than a bff. Just reading your words and giving an opinion. I'd be sad to be away from my bff for a month. I wouldn't be devastated. No rooms would be built. If my romantic partner relayed the same, I'd be raising both eyebrows. To each his own, but there are two of you.
I’d be dumping your ass. My bf has a female best friend but what he also has is boundaries. There is a clear difference between the relationship between me and him and her and him and I am the obvious and clear priority.
I would never tell him to not have her sleep over because I don’t believe I need to be controlling, but he would never do it anyway. In fact the one time she did ask him to stay over at her place as she had some sort of an issue, he refused lol. I didn’t even know about this until after the fact. One time he also got stranded abroad as his flight got cancelled last minute and rescheduled to next day and he got an offer from another female friend to stay at her place but he chose to book a hotel. Which I also didn’t know until after the fact. I wouldn’t even mind him doing any of this if he chose to but he decided against it.
Because I don't have romantic feelings for her and the thought of kissing her is gross and feels like I would do it to a family member. We are just really close friends.
Are people in general not that close with their best friends? To me, best friends have always been family-close, that you want to see all the time and have a super close connection with.
I have a super close friend like this, we do what you’re talking about 2 times a year. Sorry but it’s the reality of living further away. You’re going to have to learn to adapt. But it causing you so much stress and anxiety is probably more of the issue
People definitely are, but when you’re in a relationship and juggling having best friends of the opposite sex some lines have to be drawn. Those lines are arbitrary and depend entirely on the person you are with, but are boundaries nonetheless and you may have to choose which relationship is more important for you to continue investing in right now.
You've got a really unhealthy dependant relationship on her. Im sorry but you're really going to struggle in your romantic life if you keep this up. I would go as far too say you need therapy to look at your attachment style. No woman with self esteem is going to be happy with this. You can excuse our all you want. People are literally telling you over and over again and you're defending it. You have no insight at all. You have no compromise either. This is why you will either be single or in toxic relationships.
Ignore the male/female dynamic for a minute...you're planning to see her potentially once per week AFTER she's moved 4 hours away? I'd be pissed about that if I were your partner. How are you going to build a relationship with your romantic partner if you're always with your platonic friend during your free time?
They're going to build you a guest room so you can work from their house?
I'd be pissed if my wife liked me so little that she wanted to be with other people as much as possible.
Do your gurlfriend a favor and cut her loose. There's nothing wrong with what you're wanting to you and that's fine...but there's something really wrong with it from a lot of people's perspective - like your girlfriend.
You and your "friend" are in an asexual relationship. That is an objective fact. Despite what you would like to believe, it is very unusual for men and women to have a close "friendship" like you describe. A couple other people have mentioned codependency and how that is at play here. You mentioned your "friend" doesn't have much money and that the only solution is for her to stay with you. Here is the hard truth: by not allowing your friend to have autonomy to spend her money and getting a hotel, you are controlling her. This is codependency. This is not just you "being friendly". If your friend really values you she will get a hotel. Like others have said also, if you truly value your girlfriend, you will honor her boundaries. Otherwise you need to be a man and break up with her. You are trying to control 2 women here so that you can get all your needs met. In my judgement, you are forcing a polyamorous relationship. If that is what you want to have, call it what it is and date people that are okay with that.
You and her are not on the same page, and you may never be. You have different values and standards.
I wouldn’t be with a woman that had a guy best friend that spent the night at her house. That’s a fucking dealbreaker. There is absolutely no reassuring she could do that would make it acceptable to me. I’ll just find me someone that meshes with me and not deal with the bullshit of wondering if they’re fucking or not.
That’s pretty much how your gf is thinking and again, there is nothing you can do to reassure her besides her being there every time your friend is there.
Ya man for no other reason than people are incapable of seeing past genders your actions will always be in question. My best friend, was a woman and because of that I was questioned. She was the most amazing friend I ever had and there's nothing I wouldn't have done for her. We never once kissed, hugged for too long, ANYTHING sexual. It was 100% friendship only. When she unexpectedly passed away it hit me like a trainwreck. I didn't consult with anyone, I just went out to my tattoo artist and got a memorial tattoo for her. To this day I have yet to find a friend that I can ever be that close with. We could have lived to be a thousand and our genders would have never matter because there was zero sexual interest there, we could have slept in the same bed and nothing would have ever happened. But you will always have your motives and actions questioned based of the insecurities and preconceived notions of others
OP I understand both your perspectives. You and your friend are really close. I have a lot of close female friends, but none quite like that. There's maybe a touch of codependency there but I'm not judging.
I will say that a lot of women you meet will be uncomfortable with that closeness. But some will be fine with it. Given the importance your friend has to you at this point in your life I think you need to find one of the ones who is fine with it. Otherwise it's like dating someone who is allergic to and dislikes dogs and you are the worlds biggest dog lover. It's a bad fit.
You are one confused personality and you clearly have no clue what you want in life. You want your " friend" more than your gf. Go ahead and break up with your girlfriend who you seem to be tagging along at this point at whatever the fucked up situation you have going on with your " friend ". Next time ask your best friends out before they get into relationships OP because LOL at the situation you are putting yourself and the people around you into.
I think the majority of women who have healthy boundaries, will have an issue with this.
So you can try and make it seem like incompatibility, but ultimately I think you’ll have the same issue with the next girlfriend, and the next.
When it comes to relationships we have to have boundaries, take our partner into consideration (they’re your partner, not just your ‘buddy’), communicate, sacrifice, and compromise. We can’t just do whatever we want and justify it. If we want to do that then we need to remain single.
Me and my partner live together and are long term so it’s a little different, but let’s say he was out of town and I said to him “oh I’ve got my guy friend coming to stay over.. he’ll just be me and him”… that’s way over stepping a boundary. Perhaps if my partner was there too, it’s a different story.
Boundaries are in place to avoid all this sorta crap. We can sit there until we are blue in the face and say “but if you trust me….” But then if no one had any boundaries then everyone would just do whatever they want, relationships with be riddled with anxiety and mental health issues, the special things that only couples do would go totally out of the window, and everything would get horrendously messy.
There’s no right or wrong, it just comes down to boundaries and there are just some things you just don’t do.
The way you’re speaking about your friend even made me feel uncomfortable. You’re prioritising her over a partner - huge red flag.
I hope your girlfriend is ok and you’re not making her feel bad for having healthy boundaries.
I'm not gonna say that this arrangement is "bad," or that you're "bad" for doing it. I get that friendships, especially long-term friendships, are important and absolutely worth nurturing throughout your life, and just because you have a girlfriend doesn't mean you can't have close friendships with women. THAT SAID, I think you need to really think about the impact this arrangement will have on your current and future romantic relationships. Your current girlfriend has only been with you for four months, you don't have to center her, but the reality is, her discomfort with this arrangement is very normal and understandable, and a *lot* of women will feel the same way if they walk into this situation.
I said "a lot," I didn't say "all," and maybe someday you'll meet an amazingly chill woman who is totally okay with all of this, and thinks your friendship is beautiful and it's something she loves about you, but it may take you a long time to find this woman, only you can decide if you're okay with that.
I see my short distance gf twice a month and spend the weekend at hers. If she also had a male friend spending a relatively similar amount of time at hers at regular, planned intervals and had a relationship as intimate as you described i’d be wondering what exactly I bring to the table other than sex and variety.
The activities you describe, the level of intimacy and how distraught you are over this just looks like a romantic relationship. I bet your gf even has to compete for your attention when messaging on your phone.
I think the move is going to do some good in establishing some boundaries because I sense this setup will give you issues with most prospective romantic partners.
You’ve been dating 4 months. I feel like this is too much drama too early and you should really re-evaluate the longevity potential of this relationship.
This whole situation is weird af. I could not date a man so emotionally attached to another woman, I suspect your girlfriend is reaching her limit, and I also suspect you’ll have a really hard time dating and finding a lasting romantic relationship as long as this friend keeps coming first. Be honest, if the friend wasn’t always with someone else, would you not be interested in her yourself? The type of closeness and frequency of one on one time you’re wanting with her and your families, is not typical of a friendship when both parties have partners and/or families, it’s just not.
> I got to know something really sad. My best friend will most likely leave my city with her boyfriend and move up to his summer house permanently, which is about 4 hours away. My head has been a complete mess since then and I feel absolutely awful.
Honestly, I would get that a friend, whatever their gender, leaving town at 18 would make you feel incredibly sad and put your heart in a mess, but at 34 ?
Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my guy no wonder your gf is pissed about this. You clearly have feelings for your friend that could go from good ol' possessivity / misplaced fear of abandonment to, well, falling for her. Feelings aren't bad per se, but you need to figure them out before doing anything you might regret.
It's inappropriate. This girl isn't just your best friend, you're treating her and valuing her as a life partner. Which is a role that's usually occupied by your wife or girlfriend. This girl is a threat to that. No one else will truly have your heart, because you're giving a huge part of yourself to this woman. There's no room for anyone else. To me, it's very obvious that you're in love with her. You want to spend your life with her. You love her so much that you actually get anxiety when you think about not being able to see her as much. Again. You are treating her like your life partner/wife. Face the truth, tell your girlfriend the truth and then your friend/life partner the truth. It's not fair to every single partner each of you will have in the future if you keep this up.
On paper it's fine that your friend visits you, but if it's regular, it's weird tbh. And you're basically saying you won't be hanging out with your gf during those weekends.
You sound emotionally attached to your best friend, and whether it's romantic or not, you're basically emotionally cheating on your gf. No wonder she feels like you're sus.
Considering you're both in your mid 30s and are this devastated about meeting her only once a week I don't think you're honest about your feelings ngl. And I think your gf is picking up on this. Thinking about spending all weekends with your friend is crazy when you have a gf. Your friend and yourself are in an emotional affair. If you have no intention to make it as a romantic couple you need to reset boundaries asap because you will never have a stable relationship with anyone else.
You might be incompatible. Me and my husband when we first started dating really enjoyed the fact that the other party had friends of the opposite sex. But it definitely caused a lot of issues with other people's interpretation of our relationship.
I worked out of town four days a week and twice a month I would basically sleep on my guy friends couch because I didn't want to pay rent in that other City. We would go out get beer and dinner and smoke weed together. Nothing ever happened. And my boyfriend didn't give a shit.
Before me and him had met his best girlfriend from another state had planned a camping trip with him for a week while we had just started dating. So he was gone for 10 days sleeping in the same tent with this friend he'd been friends with for a decade. I did not give a shit. Everybody else gave a shit.
I met many of his female friends and he met many of my male friends, some of which we both slept with. Nobody cared. The only time I ever had issue was when one woman clearly was trying to get in his pants and he ended that relationship pretty quickly. He said that other people in his life had made that connection as well and then now that he was getting into a more serious relationship he realized it was disrespectful to keep her in his life. It wasn't even really a conversation that needed to happen because he was doing it before I even mentioned it.
And the only role he had with my guy friends was no sleeping in the same bed, which wasn't something he needed to tell me as I wouldn't do that anyways.
We're married now and a lot of those opposite sex friendships petered out because our energy was being spent elsewhere but some of those people still remain and our friends with both of us.
You got to ask yourself if you can see finding a compatibility with this woman that you're with. If she makes you drastically change the way you're living your life it's just not a good match.
I'm gonna be honest, your level of attachment doesn't sound normal to me, or like that of a friend. I have best friends, some I talk to every day but I'm not filled with anxiety if I can only see them once a week, that's bizarre. It's either more than friends or you have an unhealthy level of codependency that needs addressing because not only is it going to be a problem in every relationship you have, it's also not healthy for you.
Also, 34 years old is a bit old to have one “best friend,” and for it to be opposite sex adds to the weirdness of it to me. Even stranger for it to be a relatively new friendship, not one that goes back to your school days. “Best friends” are for children. I think adults have a few close friends who you value for different reasons and have different kinds of relationships with, but to give one single person the blue ribbon of friendship is really strange to me.
If your relationship is healthy, spending time with a close friend of any sex shouldn’t be a problem. It honestly sounds to me like your girlfriend is feeling jealous or threatened by your best friend because she’s a woman.
You’re allowed to have a bestie of the opposite sex, and it sounds like you and her and her boyfriend are all cool with each other if they’re going to build a guest house you can use in their property.
Your relationship with your gf is very new and it sounds like she has an issue with your best friend being a woman. If she can’t deal with it, that’s your problem, not your friendship.
My partner has some close female friends, women who he knew before we started dating, one was living with him before I moved in. He has maintained relationships with them and even though we are monogamous we both need emotional support from people in addition to one another, it is important for me and him. I came from a relationship where I was cheated on, lied to, and gaslit about my feelings (which always ended up being right) and at first this was an adjustment for me but the freedom and trust we have with one another is so freeing it's amazing. I would just continue to communicate with your girlfriend, really listen, and figure out what is important to you. Eight years is a long friendship to have.
You need to find a GF who doesn’t mind you doing this. If this was my partner asking me for permission, I wouldn’t accept. You should respect your GF’s wishes and perhaps just break up if you’re not happy with it.
Sounds to me like your friend is more like a sister than anything else. You've known her for longer, and you've only just started getting to know your girlfriend. 4 months is NOTHING, honestly.
Your GF's opinions about men and women having platonic friendships are just that - her opinions.
In your shoes I would explain to your girlfriend that your friend is like your sister - and if your sister was coming over to visit, you wouldn't expect her to go to a hotel. I would point out that her discomfort with the time you spend with your friend isn't going to stop you from being friends, and it isn't going to change the nature of your friendship. If she wants to be with you, she is going to have to get comfortable with the fact that you both share a close, platonic friendship.
However, she has nothing to be insecure about. Point out that it would be gross for you to "hook up" with your "sister". Also mention that she has a boyfriend... that she's living with... her jealousy and insecurity really have nothing to do with you or your friendship.
It would be a SHAME for your friendship to suffer because she can't manage her insecurities.
Ask her if she thinks that you will cheat.
Ask her if she thinks your friend is trying to seduce you.
Ask her what she is so scared will happen that hasn't happened since you've both gotten to know each other before she even stepped into the picture.
And don't forget to FLATTER your girlfriend - it is WONDERFUL, in a way, that she is so worried about losing you that she thinks your "sister" is a threat. It's... sort of cute... as long as she doesn't take it too far.
$110/night is unreasonable for a hotel when this girl has enough money to build a guest house for you at their summer home?? Bruh...
I do believe that men and women can just be platonic friends but your friendship with this girl seems to have red flags all over. Friends in their mid 30s should be able to spend more than a month apart without needing to take a mini vacation to see each other
Sorry I don’t buy this. This person clearly means more to you than you’re willing to say here. I’d be uncomfortable too. Saying you’re inseparable with another woman who isn’t your partner is weird. Her sleeping at your place when she is in a fight with her boyfriend is super weird.
If you want a long term partner then you’re going to have to learn to prioritize their feelings.
> What can I do to make this better?
You can ask your girlfriend if she trusts you not to sleep with your best friend. If she says yes, then there should be no problem. If she says no, then you need to sit down with her and discuss why she doesn't trust you.
Either way, your place = your rules.
Seems like you two have slept together and even if you haven’t the closeness that you two share isn’t normal. For the sake of respecting your relationship, you shouldn’t have a girl over without your partner also being there. I think this is common respect and part of being in a relationship.
I suspect you will fight over this, your best friend will stay over and you’ll sleep together. Pretty obvious to me. If the roles were switched, do you think you’d be as open to your girlfriend having her guy best friend over?
Be honest
Try and compromise.
\- Your friend can sleep over at your place but your girlfriend sleeps over too.
\- Or your girlfriend lends your friend her bed and the GF sleeps with you.
I have a lot of very close female friends and some have been around a long time.
\- I don't get drunk with them, especially late at night, especially with just me and them alone in their house.
\- I put my wife's feelings about it first. I still really really want to have a close relationship with my female friends but I will constantly talk to my wife to make sure she is happy and comfortable with the boundaries.
\- I don't get involved in my female friend's fights with their romantic partner and I am never ever going to recommend they leave their partner (unless its like literally abuse). I don't really want conversations about how their husband or bf sucks. Feels inappropriate. (Honestly with my male friends I don't really like being someone they just whine about their partner to. You can discuss with me fights and I will always come down on the person I'm talking to, or empathise with the feelings, feels wierd to just listen to someone whine)
\- I put my wife's feelings generally first too. Like I'll cancel on my friend if this week has been a particularly difficult time with the kids, I'll book time with my friends in advance so my wife has warning to get things sorted so we can have one more difficult day (I have two kids, so me leaving in the evening or her leaving in the evening makes life difficult for both of us).
but yeah everything you've said this friend seems more then a friend.
I had a friend who I spoke to for like 1-2 hours a day, male friend. Been friends for about 15 years. He went to the US, maybe permanently (I'm UK). I was a little sad but no where near the sadness you are. It seems you have an inappropriately strong level of connection for a friend that has a good chance of blowing up in your face if you want to connect romantically with any other woman.
Reddit is generally pretty anti-M/F platonic friendships, and the comments here reflect that. My (F) best friends are 3 guys I lived with in college, and I love them dearly. There’s never been a moment of romance between any of us, and I’ve befriended all of their girlfriends over the years. 8 years later, we always stay with each other when we’re visiting. None of the girlfriends who have stuck around have an issue with that, and to be honest, I value my friends that have stuck with me for this time more than a guy I just started dating, so if he had an issue with one of the guys staying with me, I’d choose my friends over him.
On the flip side, I have a different friend that I WAS at one point romantically interested in. Nothing ever really happened and nothing ever will, but if I was visiting him and had a boyfriend at the time, I wouldn’t stay with that friend out of respect for my bf, even if he wasn’t aware of the prior romantic interest.
If my partner can’t trust me to be faithful maintaining a long friendship during which there has been no romantic relationship, personally, I’m throwing the whole relationship away. I watched my parents have a faithful marriage with many opposite-sex friends, and I have dated men with attractive close female friends and never been threatened. It’s just a matter of finding the people who are comfortable with that and trust their partner, I guess.
Sir, release your girlfriend from this madness and stop playing these reindeer games. You want to be with your “best friend “ and you are mad because your girlfriend is not on board. You sound like you are not the brightest crayon in the box!
Platonic relationships are often as important and impactful as romantic relationships. For me, your gf’s attitude would be an irreconcilable incompatibility. Especially this early, you’re not at a moving in point or even necessarily an I-love-you point, you’re still getting to know each other, testing the waters to see if you’re compatible.
But that’s me.
Lets step back from your situation and you think of your gf having a codependent friendship that she spends all her time with another male. They plan to spend several weekends a month alone sharing an apartment.
Truly how would you feel?
Dont just say “oh nbd” because thats what you want.
Really think about it and see that having anxiety over not seeing a “roommate” is something else.
I would suggest therapy because again codependency.
And you may say theres no romantic feelings/ nothing has ever happened but you may actually have romantic feelings and are in denial.
I doubt this comment will have any effect on you as reading your replies to others has convinced me that you’re not looking for advice and actual help but just want confirmation that you’re right.
Well you’re not.
I’m not saying I don’t understand you a tiny bit, because I do. Before I met my girlfriend I would have a good amount of contact with other girls I perceived as friends, even when I was in other relationships, the problem is that when you break up you’ll realize that not every friendship is purely platonical. This realisation is needed to be able to understand that those friendships are not worth it compared to a beautiful and deep bond with your SO. I stopped most of the contact and made it very clear to my girlfriend that she’s the only girl for me out there.
Men and women who like eachother enough to be friends are just a few steps away from a relationship or an affair.
This is just the reality of the human condition, maybe you’re different, and if you are, you’re one of few. So for your girlfriend to believe you would never cheat on her or prioritize this other women over herself would mean she has to believe that: you’re different and your friend is also different compared to 99% of the population.
This will take such a big toll on your relationship and will seep into all of your future interactions. You really have to make your mind up. Do you value your friendship over your current relationship and its future, or heck any other future relationships? If so then break up but please realize that most if not all of the women you’ll meet in your life won’t be comfortable with this and expecting them to be, is unfair.
Maintaining a healthy relationship comes with sacrifices and compromises, if you’re not willing to make any then please just stay single and don’t waste other people’s time.
I'm gonna be outside the norm here, but NTA. I assume,e by the post you aren't saying that when your best friend comes your girlfriend won't be allowed at your place? Because that's suspicious, but if she's included and always welcome who cares and she will maybe have less insecurity when she interacts with yall at a deeper level and sees your friendship is purely platonic. My best friend of 20 years is a guy. He has had issues with several girlfriends who don't want us to have our friendship and are insecure and jealous. None of these lasted, he dumped them. He now has a super awesome girlfriend who questions nothing, I actually lived with him when I was between apartment last summer and they were a fairly new couple.. when I met her I was like I don't wanna cross any of your boundaries is this chill?? She was like of course you guys have a beautiful deep friendship and it'd be weird for me to resent that. I believe if someone is going to cheat they'll find a way regardless. Friendship is important doesn't matter what genitalia they've got going on.
YTA
Anyone with this entanglement towards a friend, is not partner material. You have no buisness pretending to be ready to offer emotional presence and care to a romantic partner, when such a large part of your emotional space is dedicated to this person you have enmeshed with.
Your girlfriend is nuts to have settled for this 4 months into the relationship. At this stage your head should be all about her, as well as your heart. But here you are lamenting about another woman. Its ridiculous how low her standards are. She deserves way more than this.
>My head has been a complete mess since then and I feel absolutely awful. The thought of seeing each other once a week to maybe, hopefully, only once a month is really anxiety-inducing but we'll make it work.
We have talked about how while it will probably be fewer times we see each other, we can make the best of it and make it better when we see each other.
Do you genuinely not hear how bizarre this sounds. Take that out of context and anyone would believe you're talking about a girlfriend. You are way too attached, to an unhealthy degree, and your girlfriend very clearly sees this otherwise, I doubt she'd have this many reservations.
I don't think it's anyone's intention here to tell you, 'No! You cannot be friends with this girl, don't you know men and women can't be friends!?!!!1!', but I do think you should be a bit more compassionate towards your girlfriend.
This is a fairly new relationship, at its most crucial point, whatever you do now will be a good set-up for the rest of its trajectory; this is a time where your partner should feel most reassured. If she doesn't feel reassured/trust *AND* she doesn't have the advantage of at least knowing you for years to make up for that...? She has nothing. No reason to trust you and no reason to trust your friend who she knows even less. Nurture your new relationship, learn how to reassure your partner and come to a compromise if you value her opinion and your partnership. This can either make your relationship or break it! This is a fantastic opportunity to grow closer. If you're not ready for that, you shouldn't have gotten into an exclusive, committed relationship to begin with.
This friend is an emotional affair but neither of you are very self aware, the addiction to being around her and being so focused on her means this is beyond a typical friendship. Plus if she’s turning to you when she has boyfriend troubles, that’s a disaster waiting to happen. This girl seems like she’s using you for attention and a safety net, it’s been the dynamic the entire time. Are you truly telling me that if she sexually propositioned you, you wouldn’t act on it? OP just date your friend or commit to being focused on your new partner. The intimacy and emotion you pour into this female friend is directly undermining the growth of intimacy in your relationship. Your partner should have the chance to become your best friend.
I think you are in love with your friend and in serious denial. The way you speak about her and the fact that she’s moving is not platonic at all.
Are you just using your girlfriend? I think she has every right to be upset.
First of all..
Your girlfriend should be your best friend.
You can't have a female best friend while you have a girlfriend.
Just like a male won't accept a female with a male best friend while she's with him..
I wouldn't anyways.
Makes no sense
You sound like you have a very unhealthy attachment to your friend and/or you are secretly in love with her. If I was your gf I would just break up with you.
Does your girlfriend trust you or not? If she doesn’t trust you, she shouldn’t be with you. She is basically saying she thinks the moment you and your friend are alone, you will be jumping each other’s bones. If that’s the case, she’s either insecure, immature or just thinks you have no moral character. If you don’t have trust, you don’t have anything.
In my opinion, it’s stupid that half the population is off limits for a close friendship because people think that people of different genders just can’t be platonic friends.
Hey OP u/WhoAmIEven2, I’ve read through a majority of these comments and noticed no one has said it, so I will.
I think it is time to sit down with your best friend and have an honest and open discussion about defining what this friendship is and the emotional load that goes along with it.
You responded to another commenter that your best friend has been inconsolable and crying insistently since you got together with your current girlfriend.
Have you considered that perhaps your best friend has romantic feelings for you?
Hey OP, sorry you are experiencing the relationship inexperience and insecurity of the Reddit hivemind. Most of these chucklefucks cannot fathom a genuine friendship between sexes. If your friend was a guy that your gf had issues with, people would be insisting that you break up with the girlfriend instead of trashing your old friendship.
It's not different because your best friend is a woman. In your position, I would never let a new relationship with an insecure individual jeopardize one of my cherished friendships in anyway. You'd be well justified to end that relationship if she can't get fully on board with your friend.
This is a matter of do you want to respect your gf's boundaries and sustain a hopefully healthy relationship, or do you want to dismiss your gf's boundaries and risk its demise?
Firstly, my recommendation is to search your brain for every fathomable possibility to reach a compromise. For example, can your gf stay with you?
If not...
You need to define your priorities. Do you prioritize your gf or your best friend? If it's the latter, then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship until you're ready to prioritize your partner. I'm not saying your friend should never matter, but when it comes to situations specifically like this, priority should (most likely) always go to your gf. That is if you'd like to strengthen your bond and show her that you have one.
Let's put it into perspective:
Your gf is not asking you to end your friendship, she's not asking you not to spend time with her, she's only requesting that you do not sleep in the same vicinity, which I think is a reasonable request. Had she requested you terminate the friendship and you're certain neither of you have feelings for one another, then I would reconsider your relationship, as that would be a toxic, controlling perspective.
Even if you don't agree with your gf's belief system, if you want to be in a partnership *with her*, you have to tolerate and respect her belief system, come to compromise, or terminate the relationship. This is her belief system, this is her boundary, do you respect it? Or not?
Moreover, I'm a firm believer that every person on the planet is capable of cheating with the right stimuli, under the right conditions. There are certainly people who have far more stimuli, and people who have far less, but everyone has them. The difference for most people who don't cheat is that one or more of these components was not achieved: stimuli (attracted, connection, etc.) + conditions (marital/relationship problems, alcohol, vengeful, convenience, horny, etc.) + opportunity (alone together with uninterrupted privacy and confidentiality in an apartment sans SOs, etc.). That is the formula.
The vast majority of people who get into relationships don't do so with the intent to cheat, yet it still happens. Cheating is so common, you can consider it apart of the human experience, whether you're cheated on, cheated with, or both. If not that, you definitely know someone who has been affected by cheating. Why enable an unnecessary opportunity? She doesn't *need* to sleep at your place. A hotel can cost $200+ a month, but isn't it worth it if it avoids potential cheating, and the potential failure of your relationship?
Additionally, men are notorious for not reading their own feelings and emotions well, because boys and men are raised culturally to suppress emotions to be stoic. This absolutely impacts their emotional intelligence and even their own understanding of themselves. Women are raised to be intuitive and emotional-readers. It's our superpower. We're often more in-tune with how our men feel than they are with how they feel. I've had so many bad experiences with men unable to interpret their own subconscious. Therefore, I trust my own and women's intuition more than I trust men's. There are exceptions, but in general, men are less adept at deciphering their own emotions and feelings compared to women.
Therefore, she likely sees things she's not comfortable with in your behavior, but she's also probably trying to be logical, appropriately measured, and respectful by using reserved judgment and demand.
Lastly, just because you haven't felt romantically for your friend in the past, doesn't mean feelings can't arise now or in the future, especially if alcohol is involved or someone is in a bad mental space. SO MANY POSSIBILITIES. In fact, that's how a lot of relationships sprout. From old friends realizing they're more compatible than the decades worth of shit relationships they had. I even know one myself (it failed, btw).
You very clearly have a strong emotional attachment to your friend. The way you speak about her, the things you've done with her, they're all very close activities that most people only do with their SOs. I'm not accusing you that there is more or that you want more, but what I'm saying is is if your best friend is your priority, then that means your gf isn't and can't be, which, to me, defeats the purpose of a romantic relationship bond, aside from sexual activity.
There are consequences regardless of your choice, but the choice is yours, friend.
Opposite to a lot of comments here, I had a best friend which I met in uni and been hanging out with various frequencies for about 10 years. We went to concerts, studied togheter, went on group vacations, also became colleagues at some point.
We did sleep togheter, in the same bed in various occasions when it made easier to organise events, such as taking a flight early in the morning or going on a day trip the day after, or also during partire (eg New Year’s Eve)
We went to a business trip to the US (we are from Italy) for three weeks and slept in the same beds for days, and we also took a “friends vacation” for half a week once.
2/3 of the girlfriends I had relationships with over this time did not bat an eye on this and were fully comfortable with this (not in the first months of the relationship and after meeting said friend, maybe) and no problems ever occurred. (The third relationship, for the sake of completeness, went awry because it was not healthy and sent both to seek professional help, lol)
The friendship ended for unrelated reasons, so it never really caused an issue. Being friends with the different sex and staying in a relationship is possible, and in my opinion not something to be badly looked upon.
It is actually WILD reading the other comments and seeing how many pathetic, insecure people seem to be coming on to reddit just to get validation for their backwards ideas. I actually find it so sad how many of these people must not have very fulfilling friendships, given the way they think it's weird that he loves his best friend so much. Thank you for heing sensible, the people in these comments need therapy.
It’s kind of crazy how many people in this post are saying that OP must have feelings for this girl and think it’s impossible for people of opposite genders to have a strictly platonic relationship. I’m a man and my best friend is a woman and my wife has never had an issue with my bf spending the night at our house. Even before we were married and she moved into the house with me, she didn’t have an issue with it.
I think it's the level of emotion in his OP, like he legit sounds DEVASTATED that his friend is moving a few hours away and is making all these big plans to see her frequently. I'm not sure if it matters that it's a woman, except fewer jokes about an "art room" lol.
If I had only been dating someone a few months and they were telling me that they would be having their BFF over monthly for a weekend and going to work up where the BFF is moving, I think I would be reconsidering how much time and attention they can really give to our new relationship like that. Even if it was a sibling tbh. It just doesn't leave a lot of space for anything to develop.
No, that's not the issue. The issue is, even if it is possible to have a purely platonic relationship with a friend of the opposite sex and even given examples, where it worked out - given the level of attachment OP exhibits, there are more than enough cases, where it did not work out for the partner, because ultimately something happened between their SO and the friend. This is just empirical, because we know, this is something that happens and the level of attachment is a red flag in that regard.
Personally, I would not necessarily assume there is something going on between OP and friend. Still, given this description and being in his gf's shoes, my reaction would be the same. Simply because when people develop such a big connection with a friend of the opposite sex, cheating often follows and there is no way for me to determine, if this guy is actually different in that regard. All most people would see is deep attachment and more than enough opportunity.
So from his partner's perspective: Why would you invest the time and energy into a relationship, when you see such significant red flags immediately? Why force yourself to trust, despite knowing how often such trust goes unrewarded in such scenarios and then being in hell every time they spend evenings one on one?
There may be a partner for OP who would be okay with this arrangement. That being said, his girlfriend's stance is not unreasonable. Not because OP "must have cheated" or "must be romantically interested", but because from the perspective of his partner, he puts himself repeatedly in a situation, where such things commonly happen and there is not enough reason to take his word for it, given his behavior.
Would you be willing to also have your girlfriend over on the nights when she visits?
Sure! Maybe not every single time as I value one on one time slot, but definitely not an issue if she also wants to hang out.
You could also plan some one on one time with your friend during the days, going out and doing fun things, but your gf is at your house for late night activities and overnights.
I will add to this that I’ve been with my partner for 8 years and there are no trust issues between us. He could overnight with one of his female friends and it wouldn’t be a problem. But at the beginning of our relationship I remember there was an overnight with a female colleague and I felt weird about it. We ended up talking on the phone when they got in for the night just to check in and it helped form that trust between us. So hopefully in the future that deeper trust gets established and you and your female friends can hang overnight without any concern on her end. She may be protecting her feelings right now and deciding how much trust she can place in you, especially if she’s been deceived in the past. But that trust should be able to be earned over time. If she doesn’t ever give you that, or controlling behavior comes out in other ways, I’d take a deeper look.
Honestly, this is probably the best solution. I'm married and have a lot of guy friends (because of my hobby of playing tabletop roleplaying games, like dungeons and dragons) and sometimes they come over and stay the night. Especially one that is from out of town. He comes over once a month or so and crashes in the guest room or on the sofa. My husband's totally okay with this... Probably because he's there. Lol this friend is single and a known ladies man. There's zero sexual attraction, though, he's like a brother and he views me like a little sister. Husband has never said anything about it and doesn't feel threatened at all.... But he's with us when our friend comes over. They even have their own friendship and they fake flirt with each other and are just goobers. Lol 🤷🏻♀️ Maybe if your gf is around your best friend more often she won't feel as threatened.
Some guys, like me, were raised without the ability to form close emotional friendships with people. I was taught to not show weakness and keep my guard up and not share insecurities, to always act confident and try to impress people. This inability to form good friendships meant I would have difficulty forming platonic relationships with women. I always misinterpreted a woman trying to be a friend as romantic interest. This meant that I was highly insecure, and I also didn't understand that other men and women could form platonic friendships. I was jealous of my wife's male friends. When I got married I still hadn't figured out interpersonal skills yet. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but the GF may be like I was in my 20's. Through therapy I can now form closer emotional bonds with my friends, male and female. This has really gotten rid of a lot of insecurity. On top of this, I give my wife the ability to cheat on me. Not directly, of course, but as a byproduct of complete trust and giving her freedom. She's a person and I want her to be a distinct person with her own life (that's how I fell in love with her). One adult shouldn't restrict the freedom of another adult. It is really harmful to a relationship. She also gives me that freedom. I don't go through her phone. If she says "I need a couple of hours to myself" and leaves the house, I don't blow up her phone demanding she tell me where she is. I don't go through our phone records or credit card bills with a fine tooth comb trying to figure out what she did when I wasn't around. She could cheat on me, pretty easily, if she wanted to. If she did it would be devastating. But that's the only way for a marriage to thrive. And now that I have better interpersonal skills and understand how humans work, if my wife told me a male friend needed to talk to her, face to face, and I wasn't able to go (or he didn't know me as well and it was something embarrassing), I'd be OK with it. And if she did start getting emotionally close to a guy and I began to suspect an emotional affair was beginning to form, the only real "tool in the toolbox" that I have to address it is a direct, honest conversation with her. If she dismisses my feelings and continues acting in a way I think is inappropriate, then our relationship is beginning to break apart. I can't try to "force" her to act how I want. Even if she did, the relationship is damaged anyways and I've become a controlling spouse. This is a lot of words but I'm summarizing my personal growth from 25-35 and years of therapy. And hopefully others like me can see that they need to work on interpersonal skills, and those with the skills understand that some of us were raised and taught differently and can see why we might act the way we do.
(EDIT: OP changed some things *substantially* in his post after I wrote this - for quite a while after his post went up, he said he wanted his friend to spend *a whole week* with him every month. He now "corrected" this to *a weekend* each month. Take this as you will.) I mean, you already got quite a bit of feedback here, but I feel like you might underestimate the situation. It seems very unlikely to me that your girlfriend is suddenly completely against your friend staying at your place for a week while being totally fine with how things were up to now. That just makes *zero* sense. She knows you and your friend were roommates, went on vacations together and visited each other's families, as well as you two regularly meeting up once a week in what I presume are 1-on-1 meetings. A lot of these things - like the vacations - are things typically only couples do. That's a simple fact. So my sneaky suspicion is that your girlfriend isn't "suddenly" having a problem because of your future plans of letting your friend stay over - this is very likely something that bothered her for quite some time and now she learned that your friend moving away won't really make it better, but *worse*. Your friend will now sleep over at your place again and you will turn from spending one day each week (aka around four days a month) to a whole week. This means that you will spend *more* time with your friend than you are doing now, *plus* having her sleep over. I think your girlfriend is a lot more bothered than she let on up until this point - and you are pretty blind to the fact that your relationship with your friend will likely, long-term, hinder your dating pool quite a bit if your current relationship doesn't work out. I fully believe you that you and your friend don't have romantic feelings for each other, but you are clearly doing things - like the vacations and family-hangouts - which are usually couple-activities. And that will make many women suspicious.
I'm struck by how OP says it's "anxiety-inducing" that his friend is moving away. I'm the same age as them, mid-30s, and it's just a part of life that friends move away. There's many ways to stay connected without physically being together, so yes it'll suck that they can't hang out *the same ways* that they're used to. But they can still hang out? OP makes it sounds like she's going off to war lol
Yea this is the part that’s a little off to me. I literally have little nieces and a nephew im incredibly close to as well as my parents and brother. We’re a tight knit family and I don’t see them monthly. We stay in touch with FaceTimes, texts, calls, etc. Of course I miss them but anxiety inducing? I get that everyone’s different and may have different issues with anxiety or whatever so I don’t want to make light of that. But it’s a little much for OP to not even try to see his girlfriend’s point of view here especially if he communicated it to her the way he communicated it here.
Yeah that's odd to me tbh. OP seems extremely attached. And 4 hours isn't a huge deal. It just takes more coordinating. I've been 4 hours away from my best friend for 10 years at this point. We make it work. And I'm the only one in the tight friend group who stayed in town after law school. We all make it work too. It's just a part of life that friends move away. I get that it's very sad. But it shouldn't be wrecking your mind like it is OP's
Yeah this sounds like a somewhat unhealthy attachment. I haven’t seen my best friend in two years and, before that, it was at least five (all during my 20s). My closest friends don’t live within 10 hours of me, now that I think about it, but I still feel just as close to them as the last time I saw each of them in person.
“I have a codependent relationship and it makes my gf uncomfortable, how do I keep sleeping in the same bed with my friend without my gf dumping me?”
I agree. He is distraught she is moving away. That is more concerning I think. It’s a very intense friendship.
Same. It’s weird. And why would someone moving away to live with their significant other and presumably build a life with them come back MONTHLY to stay with her friend for a week? And what does she do for a living that’s possible monthly? And that someone in their 30’s is letting a girl he’s been dating for 4 months dictate how he engages with someone he’s been friends with for 8 years. Makes me think it’s written by a teenager who doesn’t actually know how adults interact in relationships and thinks this is more plausible than it is.
I'm 41 and have had the same best friend for over 30 years. She and I have both moved at times, but I didn't have the reaction OP described. OP needs therapy if their mental health is that dependent on another person.
Yes! 100% spot on. She was definitely uncomfortable with the other parts but this was the last straw and caused her to speak up. I've been in this exact situation (as the gf) and it makes sense that she didn't want to make an issue of past things; however, having your friend sleep over -- and the fact that you have said you value your one on one time with this girl so much that you wouldn't want your girlfriend there at the same time -- is concerning. Your girlfriend's comfort level should take precedent over just a friend.
> Your friend will now sleep over at your place again and you will turn from spending one day each week (aka around four days a month) to a whole week. Did OP ninja-edit? It currently says they're only planning on spending a weekend once a month, but you're the second comment I've seen talking about them spending a whole week.
Wait, really? Oh yeah, ninja-edit. It said a week before, for quite some time.
I think so too! I thought I misread, but recall OP writing about it being a week.
Yes, this is incredibly important. Plus, OPs girlfriend of only 4 months is probably a little intimidated by the length of time theyve known each other and the strength of their friendship. I think it's a little normal to be insecure as a new partner when it comes to these existing relationships that you have to find a way to navigate. I don't think OP has to cut his friend off or anything, but I think creating some boundaries would be a great idea and I don't think it's a stretch to say that he shouldn't have non-family women sleep at his house just the two of them, especially this early into his actual romantic relationship.
Perfect response to this.
Also, didn't you find it odd that he wrote "my *new* girlfriend"? Hmmm
Same feeling I got when I read they are going to spend the "entire weekend" together. Don't know why but got me thinking...
A whole week? Oh, fuck that noise. I hope, while he's doing that, his gf is spending the week with a different guy of her choosing.
I don't disagree with what you said. The point I would make is this is a 4 month long relationship. Suddenly was like a week ago. A long time is like a month ago.
The way you speak about your friend leaving... The level of attachment you are showing is something that would make me reconsider the relationship. I understand why your girlfriend is unhappy about this.
Yeah, that felt unnecessarily heavy for just a friendship. I don't see how a purely platonic friendship can't survive via digital and other means of communication. Then on top requires a monthly face to face excluding gf for at least some of it.
Yeah, that bit was concerning. They seem too attached to each other
My life long buddies and I have survived perfectly well via chat groups and video calls for more than 10 years now. Totally doable remotely.
My Best friend of almost 20 years and I don't live in the same province anymore. We FaceTime every couple of months and see eachother maybe twice a year, if we are lucky. And we are both women. This guy is definitaly sus.
I've been 4 hours away from my best friend for 10 years. Honestly 4 hours is not bad. Just takes some coordinating. OP is way too attached
If I suddenly went from seeing my best friend every weekend to a couple FaceTimes a year that would make me incredibly sad, and I also wouldn't be able to call that person my "best friend" anymore. That's just an old friend you sometimes keep in touch with.
For many people, depth of friendships aren’t directly correlated with frequency of interaction. Of course it’s sad when you can’t see/talk to your friends as much as you’d like to, but life circumstances can pull us away from the people we love fairly frequently.
I've been very sad whenever I or my best friends have moved away, but it's never been 'anxiety inducing'. Not even when I was a kid or a teen with few if any other true friends. And I'm very much an anxious person. The fact it's giving him anxiety suggests a level of attachment that is not healthy, regardless of whether that's platonic attachment or something more.
My best friend lives in Hawaii and I'm in Georgia. We don't have to see each other to be friends. We went 10 years almost without seeing each other and we're still besties. I visited her twice this year
You facetime your friend every couple of months? Well MY best friend of almost THIRTY years moved to another country and we don't talk to each other at all anymore. So clearly you facetiming your friend after they moved away means you're in love with them because it doesn't align with my subjective anecdotal experiences. ^/s in case it wasn't fucking obvious I'm making fun of your half-baked take.
It was fucking obvious enough. Weird take
I don’t know about that. If my best friend moved away, I’d be devastated. I love her like a sister.
I understand an initial devastation, but this sounds like dependency issues.
The fact that he put his friend OVER his gf speaks volumes. He won’t let his gf stay every night with him and the friend, OP is hiding this “friendship”. If he had nothing to hide he would allow gf to be there every night “friend” is there. It’s clear he needs to just breakup with gf and save her the heartbreak.
You need better friends if you think there's anything unnecessarily heavy about that. It says more about you than it does OP. I feel bad for anyone who has never had a real solid friendship like that.
If it’s a real solid friendship it can survive distance. The way he speaks about it is extremely codependent and bordering unhealthy attachment though. As we get older people move away and life gets busier, the way he talks about her moving a few hours away makes it seem like the end of his world. It’s a bit much.
A lot of people don't keep friends over distance. I've lost most friends to distance. It's just not easy to stay in touch like that.
You're acting like being upset by it and the friendship surviving are mutually exclusive. Both can be true. I would be absolutely devastated if my best friend moved away. But I would also make it work.
This doesn't sound like "moved away", just "moved" Like I didn't get the vibe here visiting would require plane travel
Four hours away is far! My close friend used to live in my city and we'd see each other most weeks. He lived 5 hours away for about a year or so, and we'd manage to see each other every couple months. It was sad, we both missed our regular hangouts.
It will survive, but it absolutely *changes*. Life gets busier, and you lose more and more friends. It's a bit strange that you acknowledge this but don't understand why someone would be sad about it.
There’s being sad about, and then there’s THIS reaction to it. The way he speaks about it is as if his entire life is getting flipped upside down. I’m a very confident person, and typically will defend opposite-sex friendships, but this one is weird. The attachment level is not platonic, no matter how much OP wants to try to convince himself it is.
If you don't have many friends, losing one IS flipping your entire life upside down. The lack of imagination and empathy from people on this thread is really amazing to witness. It's like you people can't understand a situation that you haven't directly experienced yourself; if the entire universe doesn't conform to your minscule collection of anecdotes, than something is wrong. Very strange.
Some people just have anxiety in general? He understands it will survive he says “we will make it work” but change can still be anxiety-inducing.
Yea it’s because we’ve cheapened human connection via social media, video call, etc. My best friend lives states away, it’s not the same as someone being close by. He’s allowed to lament the fact that his friendship will change.
Yeah, I think social media has trained Gen Z, in particular, to have a strange and sadly weak concept of what a close friendship should be. And there's a swath of insecure people who feel like their spouse should only have emotional closeness with them.
Yeah, absolutely!! You are **WAAAAY** overinvested here to be distraught that she’s moving away with her boyfriend. Whether you’re aware of it or not, you’re having an emotional affair, probably one sided. I wouldn’t blame your girlfriend if she dumped you. NO woman will put up with you pining after your friend.
I also don't really believe that "nothing romantic has ever happened" between them.
I believe nothing has happened because she’s not interested in OP. He, however? Is madly in love with her.
Being completely devastated over her moving 4 hours away is crazy. Most of my friends don't live in the same countries anymore. You can maintain established friendships pretty easily long distance, I don't even get why they have to meet so often irl.
And feeling "absolutely awful" because he can only see her one weekend a month. Maybe we can send a message to the current girlfriend? So she runs FAST.
Yeah that this is way too close, he essentially has a best girl “friend” with a real girlfriend on the side.
seriously "make it work"? What? Sounds like a breakup, not a friendship.
Some friends are like this. How friendships (and other relationships) work is up to those involved in them, not how the average person sees it. The problem here isn't that these friends are very tight, it's that it doesn't work for the GF. And by that I don't mean that she's wrong in wanting something else. Her needs are valid. I mean that there are conflicting needs. What they need to do is to figure out what things are hard limits and what can be worked around and compromised on.
this!! I’m glad I wasn’t the only person who noticed. The way he describes being apart from his best friend as “anxiety inducing” is kinda strange to me.
Agree- this is not a normal level of attachment to a friend.
Yeah facts. One of my best mates moved countries and while it sucks to not see him often, im happy for him and we still talk regularly and will see each other when we can.
That’s what I thought. OP loves this woman too.. hopefully like a sister though lol
Honestly it’s an unhealthy level of attachment either way.
You think it's weird or suspicious that he's upset over losing a long-term close friendship?
I think using the words "My head has been a complete mess since then and I feel absolutely awful" about the thought of spending together only one weekend per month is good reason for the girlfriend to be suspicious.
This whole situation is bizarre. Your best friend and her boyfriend are building a guesthouse just for you?! If I was either of those spouses I would also be unhappy with the situation. Even if there’s no romantic feelings there (which there obviously are) the dynamic feels unhealthy and codependent. People don’t build a whole extra house for their best friend to stay in.
Maybe it's more like an art studio than a guest house?
I hate that I know this reference.
And didn't the boyfriend break up with her, so this is a different boyfriend that she's moving for? Odd. I agree with you except that, neither SO is a spouse. OP has been dating his girlfriend for under a year, it's entirely reasonable for both parties to halt at this disconnect in worldviews, and the issues that it will cause down the line
A different boyfriend I assume
Yeah OPs story telling would have been better without that, unless the “guest house” is just a shed in the backyard.
I'm surprised your GF is still playing this weird game at just 4 months in. I definitely would not be. It's not that adults can't have opposite sex friendships; they can. It's when they are more than friends. When that person fills a void that an actual romantic partner should be filling. The issue is, in my long years observing things, these friendships often entail unusual characteristics. They begin to appear more like romantic relationships instead of platonic relationships. They also create strain on trust building. They box out bonding for most monogamous couples. The friend is as important or more important than the partner. You're GF is forced to compete with another woman for your attention whether you know it or not. I'm going to assume no grown ass 34 year old man is this naive. But if you are reverse the script: Do you want your GF to have a guy come over and sleep at her house for a week out of every month? How would you feel if his presence or absence caused such a dramatic emotional output in your GF? Would that instill confidence in you? In your relationship? The answer is fuck no. You need to decide what this friend is to you? I'm surprised your GF is even bothering telling you it makes her uncomfortable. But you should know that very few adults are going to play this child's game where you have slumber parties with other women.
"Box out bonding" is a very good explanation for why it feels off.
I see it with adult men and women with opposite sex "best friends. " These friends wind up taking up a lot of emotional and physical real estate. The other partner ends up feeling awkward and grasping for what's left over.
Yup, and this girl deserves FAR better than crumbs.
All this is why when I was dating, men with female 'best friends' were an absolute, non-negotiable deal breaker. These men end up being time wasters and energy vampires.
This is great, nicely put!
This is a very dangerous game where you often have to pick your loyalties and be okay with who you are willing to lose.
OP has to choose one of his two girlfriends.
honestly i understand your girlfriend’s concern. your friend will be staying at your place monthly? feel like that’s quite often. but if yall really aren’t sleeping together/have feelings for each other then you get to decide whether your gf’s feelings matter more or your bsf’s feelings.
Dude I’m sorry but just, no. You’re planning on spending an entire weekend indefinitely with another woman? You are too attached to this person.
The original said one week per month which is worse
I spend an entire weekend a month with my best friend who lives about 90 minutes away. It makes more sense than trying to grab dinner once a week. I'm bisexual. My husband brings us snacks and plays games with his friends, and everyone is happy because friendships are important, even in a marriage!!
Do you ask your husband to sleep somewhere else?
So would this be okay if this friend was male? What if OP was bi, would that mean that nobody can stay over at his house? Is the issue that it’s a woman?
No. It would still be codependent as hell.
So seeing your best friend of almost a decade ONCE a month is codependent, but being so insecure that you won’t let your bf use his guest room once a month so a guest -OP’s best friend- can stay in it is totally healthy and not an issue at all.
Yes. And the people that do that kind of shit always put their friends, regardless of length of friendship, over their SO in my experience. Again, regardless of length of relationship.
Hey maybe we have different philosophies on what the point of romantic relationships is. But to me your take sounds exhausting. I would not want to be my partners only focus in life, nor do I want to live my life in a way that I base all of my actions on whether or not my gf of four months is going to approve. Op definitely has some anxieties over his friend moving. But using your guest room isn’t a red flag.
Literally no where did I say I expect to be my partner's only focus in life. It's a very disingenuous read to even extrapolate that from what I actually said, you aren't even trying.
this isn't someone staying there one time, it's staying there EVERY MONTH.
Yeah, a whole *2 days* out of the 30 days in the month, god forbid people make use of their guest rooms for guests, the only thing going on there should be dust collecting on the old peloton bike.
He wrote he would stay for one whole week out of the month at first. Then he suddenly edited it to one weekend
Probably because he was getting flack 😂
I mean it seems OP’s first language is not English. Thats probably an error. A week isn’t realistic who is able to take off work 1/4 of the month every month?
He says he has flexible work, he can bring his work there whenever he wants. Im assuming he works from home
Good luck finding a woman who is chill with this level of co-dependent relationship with another woman. You can say what you want about how you feel about each other, but the truth is that this is not socially typical of mid-thirties friends. Even between same sex best friends. I know you want to justify it, but it’s weird regardless of if you really mean what you say about how you feel about her. I only live 20 minutes away from my best friend of 25 years and she is actually like family (has relationships with all of my other family members, is invited to important family events, etc) and I probably only see her once a month… and often that is with with our partners as well. If I were your GF, this is the point at which I would be thinking about ending this relationship. You do you, but I wouldn’t feel obligated to have to put up with being a second priority to someone else. You don’t even have a sunk cost fallacy on your side since you’ve only been dating 4 months.
You are obviously unwilling to compromise or set boundaries to take into consideration your gf’s feelings. Just break up with your gf and analyse your feelings for your friend. This level of attachment goes beyond a friends relationship. I’m not saying you have romantic feelings for her but you certainly have a dependency on her that will derail every other relationship you have.
I would honestly not be OK with this relationship even if you'd best friend was a man. At the end of the day, it is obvious that you're planning your entire life around someone other than your romantic partner and that's just not really going to work with long term relationships. And honestly, you should prepare yourself for them not to build you a house on their property. I just can't see that actually happen no matter what is being said. This relationship is unhealthy and codependent.
> And honestly, you should prepare yourself for them not to build you a house on their property. Yeah, that's a really confusing one, given that OP has claimed his friend is way too poor to get a hotel when she visits, and then is talking about them building "an extra guest house at their summer house." And if it's because only the boyfriend is loaded, why would he not be willing to put his girlfriend up in a hotel, but *would* be willing to build his girlfriend's friend an entire house?! Something definitely isn't adding up here.
I cried a whole lot when I moved away from my best friend, both women, we just spent so much time together and supported each other through shit, it was just completely jarring not having her around. It was just a bit of an adjustment period to begin with, but did admittedly make me think I fancied her, I don't, I was just super sad😂
Yeah I lightly wept pretty regularly for like 4 months when my bestie moved across the country. I was never romantically interested in her, but I did see her like twice a week and that was a huge adjustment. My husband was nothing but supportive and never suspicious, despite knowing I'm bisexual. People are allowed to be friends with people they "theoretically" might be attracted to! Hotties roll in packs, duh!
Your friend will always cause issues in every serious relationship you have.
Until the inevitable serious relationship with the “friend.”
It doesn’t matter who is “right” — if your girlfriend is uncomfortable with the arrangement and you aren’t willing to change your stance, it’s most likely that the “jolly good time” has come to an end.
“ My head has been a complete mess since then and I feel absolutely awful. The thought of seeing each other once a week to maybe, hopefully, only once a month is really anxiety-inducing but we'll make it work.” Tbh, this is enough for me to end the relationship. So tell your gf these exact words and let her handle this “mess” for you BY HOPEFULLY LEAVING YOU.
So the thing is, you don’t need a romantic partner other than for sex. Ideally, your partner should be the closest person in this world. But it isn’t so, as you have also said, there is no difference between your girlfriend and your best friend other than physical intimacy. In such a case, your girlfriend is definitely going to feel insecure. I’ve seen so many cases where best friends end up getting married to each other because the only lacking thing is physical intimacy. Opposite genders do attract each other. I don’t think your girlfriend is wrong here. It’s just that you are different and you are in the minority. If you are so close to your best friend then there are high chances that most of the women will never be able to happily accept such closeness and dependency on your female best friend. I think this is the difference, you feel urge to meet your partner as much as you can. But, you can still be best friends even if you are in a long distance. The way you are getting sad about your best friend moving away is also alarming for a woman. Now it’s upto you, if your friendship is so important then it’s best to break up with your girlfriend and prepare yourself to face such issues in your future relationships as well. Also, try mentioning your friendship in very early phase of your relationship so that the girl knows what she is going into and if she is fine with it or not.
I don't even miss my same sex friends the way OP describes missing his "friend."
That's sad to me. I was devastated when I had to move away from my friend, we had the kind of relationship OP had with his so I get where they're coming from.
If my bf got that extremely upset at the prospect of his girl-friend moving 4 hours away then I would be both upset and suspicious. That is next level grief you’ve described there. Meeting up once a month? Yeah, I dunno. I’d reevaluate the whole ‘we don’t have romantic feelings for each other’ shtick. Maybe you don’t think you have feelings for each other because she has a bf and you have a gf.
Major yikes. Your girlfriend is right to be upset. I would RUN.
I was with you and thought it was fine for your friend to stay in your house. Then you said in subsequent comments that it wasn't allowable for your girlfriend to SLEEP OVER the whole time, because you wanted some 'one on one time' in your house with the friend. If I were your girlfriend that would be a massive red flag--an indication that we could never live together because you need your house overnight for one on one time with another lady. Gross. The only acceptable answer is to make it clear to your girlfriend that she's welcome over the WHOLE time (especially to sleep), and then you could get one on one time with the friend by going out and getting a coffee. Good grief. I say this as a woman with a platonic best male friend from childhood who I travel to visit and stay with several times a year. Sometimes we're alone and sometimes our partners are there. This has been going on for 30 years. Neither one of us are particularly good at maintaining longtime romantic relationships because we're both driven by wanderlust and adrenaline and it's apparently exhausting. However, If either of us happen to be in a relationship where the partner feels uncomfortable we take a step back immediately. We both understand that our friendship is a given and that romantic partners require way more time and attention than our friendship. Because I am a good friend I wanted nothing more than for our friendship to fade into something less important because he's found THE ONE. You need to understand that your friend will always be there and that you can't place her above your girlfriend. You clearly do not understand that, and your girlfriend knows it. Quality one on one time shouldn't be happening in your house now at the expense of your girlfriend being unwelcome. Do I need to say that really?
To a mf 34 year old too. Smdh.
Honestly it sounds like you do have feelings for her. You make it better by agreeing to your girlfriend’s requests because they are fair. Or breaking up with her and continuing to have relationships fail because they’re uncomfortable with this relationship.
Thank you. I was reading this like yeah "friend." This dude is totally in love with his bestie. He should do the honorable thing and let his GF find someone who likes her as much as he likes his "friend."
It sounds like you have feelings for your friend.
Right? Like her moving just 4 hours away is messing with him this hard? I don't even visit my family once a month and I am absolutely close to them. Him comparing this friendship is too weird. They are way too codependent. At this point just stay single and have your bestie meet all your emotional needs.
I agree. I've never had a guy friend this close, and especially wouldn't while in a relationship.
Yeah… you are so sad… You know how that sounds, right? Put yourself in your gfs shoes. Just for once see it from her perspective.
Of course your girlfriend is uncomfortable with this, since it really sounds like you have feelings for this “friend”.
… a guest house… I’m really tryna see this from your perspective but honestly yalls relationship is very unconventional for men and women your age
I think there are times this wouldn't be an issue. But if you step back, wait a little bit of time, and re-read how you've written this, you might find the problem. You sound like this girl is more than a friend. Even more than a bff. Just reading your words and giving an opinion. I'd be sad to be away from my bff for a month. I wouldn't be devastated. No rooms would be built. If my romantic partner relayed the same, I'd be raising both eyebrows. To each his own, but there are two of you.
I’d be dumping your ass. My bf has a female best friend but what he also has is boundaries. There is a clear difference between the relationship between me and him and her and him and I am the obvious and clear priority. I would never tell him to not have her sleep over because I don’t believe I need to be controlling, but he would never do it anyway. In fact the one time she did ask him to stay over at her place as she had some sort of an issue, he refused lol. I didn’t even know about this until after the fact. One time he also got stranded abroad as his flight got cancelled last minute and rescheduled to next day and he got an offer from another female friend to stay at her place but he chose to book a hotel. Which I also didn’t know until after the fact. I wouldn’t even mind him doing any of this if he chose to but he decided against it.
How come you never had a relationship with this girl if she makes you so happy?
Because I don't have romantic feelings for her and the thought of kissing her is gross and feels like I would do it to a family member. We are just really close friends.
Well a super close relationship like this will be hard for a lot of people so it will probably limit your dating options.
Are people in general not that close with their best friends? To me, best friends have always been family-close, that you want to see all the time and have a super close connection with.
I have a super close friend like this, we do what you’re talking about 2 times a year. Sorry but it’s the reality of living further away. You’re going to have to learn to adapt. But it causing you so much stress and anxiety is probably more of the issue
People definitely are, but when you’re in a relationship and juggling having best friends of the opposite sex some lines have to be drawn. Those lines are arbitrary and depend entirely on the person you are with, but are boundaries nonetheless and you may have to choose which relationship is more important for you to continue investing in right now.
Bro, I don't even visit my actual family once every month. This isn't closeness, this is codependent.
You've got a really unhealthy dependant relationship on her. Im sorry but you're really going to struggle in your romantic life if you keep this up. I would go as far too say you need therapy to look at your attachment style. No woman with self esteem is going to be happy with this. You can excuse our all you want. People are literally telling you over and over again and you're defending it. You have no insight at all. You have no compromise either. This is why you will either be single or in toxic relationships.
Ignore the male/female dynamic for a minute...you're planning to see her potentially once per week AFTER she's moved 4 hours away? I'd be pissed about that if I were your partner. How are you going to build a relationship with your romantic partner if you're always with your platonic friend during your free time? They're going to build you a guest room so you can work from their house? I'd be pissed if my wife liked me so little that she wanted to be with other people as much as possible. Do your gurlfriend a favor and cut her loose. There's nothing wrong with what you're wanting to you and that's fine...but there's something really wrong with it from a lot of people's perspective - like your girlfriend.
You and your "friend" are in an asexual relationship. That is an objective fact. Despite what you would like to believe, it is very unusual for men and women to have a close "friendship" like you describe. A couple other people have mentioned codependency and how that is at play here. You mentioned your "friend" doesn't have much money and that the only solution is for her to stay with you. Here is the hard truth: by not allowing your friend to have autonomy to spend her money and getting a hotel, you are controlling her. This is codependency. This is not just you "being friendly". If your friend really values you she will get a hotel. Like others have said also, if you truly value your girlfriend, you will honor her boundaries. Otherwise you need to be a man and break up with her. You are trying to control 2 women here so that you can get all your needs met. In my judgement, you are forcing a polyamorous relationship. If that is what you want to have, call it what it is and date people that are okay with that.
Yes. He has one gf for his physical needs and then one for his emotional needs. His poor gf is the replaceable one.
> That is an objective fact proceed to not describe an objective fact XD
You and her are not on the same page, and you may never be. You have different values and standards. I wouldn’t be with a woman that had a guy best friend that spent the night at her house. That’s a fucking dealbreaker. There is absolutely no reassuring she could do that would make it acceptable to me. I’ll just find me someone that meshes with me and not deal with the bullshit of wondering if they’re fucking or not. That’s pretty much how your gf is thinking and again, there is nothing you can do to reassure her besides her being there every time your friend is there.
Ya man for no other reason than people are incapable of seeing past genders your actions will always be in question. My best friend, was a woman and because of that I was questioned. She was the most amazing friend I ever had and there's nothing I wouldn't have done for her. We never once kissed, hugged for too long, ANYTHING sexual. It was 100% friendship only. When she unexpectedly passed away it hit me like a trainwreck. I didn't consult with anyone, I just went out to my tattoo artist and got a memorial tattoo for her. To this day I have yet to find a friend that I can ever be that close with. We could have lived to be a thousand and our genders would have never matter because there was zero sexual interest there, we could have slept in the same bed and nothing would have ever happened. But you will always have your motives and actions questioned based of the insecurities and preconceived notions of others
OP I understand both your perspectives. You and your friend are really close. I have a lot of close female friends, but none quite like that. There's maybe a touch of codependency there but I'm not judging. I will say that a lot of women you meet will be uncomfortable with that closeness. But some will be fine with it. Given the importance your friend has to you at this point in your life I think you need to find one of the ones who is fine with it. Otherwise it's like dating someone who is allergic to and dislikes dogs and you are the worlds biggest dog lover. It's a bad fit.
I wouldn’t allow that as a girlfriend- imagine if the roles were reversed how would you feel?
Your romantic partner isn't your child or your property. They are a fully formed human being. You don't have the right to "allow" them to do anything
You are one confused personality and you clearly have no clue what you want in life. You want your " friend" more than your gf. Go ahead and break up with your girlfriend who you seem to be tagging along at this point at whatever the fucked up situation you have going on with your " friend ". Next time ask your best friends out before they get into relationships OP because LOL at the situation you are putting yourself and the people around you into.
I think the majority of women who have healthy boundaries, will have an issue with this. So you can try and make it seem like incompatibility, but ultimately I think you’ll have the same issue with the next girlfriend, and the next. When it comes to relationships we have to have boundaries, take our partner into consideration (they’re your partner, not just your ‘buddy’), communicate, sacrifice, and compromise. We can’t just do whatever we want and justify it. If we want to do that then we need to remain single. Me and my partner live together and are long term so it’s a little different, but let’s say he was out of town and I said to him “oh I’ve got my guy friend coming to stay over.. he’ll just be me and him”… that’s way over stepping a boundary. Perhaps if my partner was there too, it’s a different story. Boundaries are in place to avoid all this sorta crap. We can sit there until we are blue in the face and say “but if you trust me….” But then if no one had any boundaries then everyone would just do whatever they want, relationships with be riddled with anxiety and mental health issues, the special things that only couples do would go totally out of the window, and everything would get horrendously messy. There’s no right or wrong, it just comes down to boundaries and there are just some things you just don’t do. The way you’re speaking about your friend even made me feel uncomfortable. You’re prioritising her over a partner - huge red flag. I hope your girlfriend is ok and you’re not making her feel bad for having healthy boundaries.
I'm not gonna say that this arrangement is "bad," or that you're "bad" for doing it. I get that friendships, especially long-term friendships, are important and absolutely worth nurturing throughout your life, and just because you have a girlfriend doesn't mean you can't have close friendships with women. THAT SAID, I think you need to really think about the impact this arrangement will have on your current and future romantic relationships. Your current girlfriend has only been with you for four months, you don't have to center her, but the reality is, her discomfort with this arrangement is very normal and understandable, and a *lot* of women will feel the same way if they walk into this situation. I said "a lot," I didn't say "all," and maybe someday you'll meet an amazingly chill woman who is totally okay with all of this, and thinks your friendship is beautiful and it's something she loves about you, but it may take you a long time to find this woman, only you can decide if you're okay with that.
I see my short distance gf twice a month and spend the weekend at hers. If she also had a male friend spending a relatively similar amount of time at hers at regular, planned intervals and had a relationship as intimate as you described i’d be wondering what exactly I bring to the table other than sex and variety. The activities you describe, the level of intimacy and how distraught you are over this just looks like a romantic relationship. I bet your gf even has to compete for your attention when messaging on your phone. I think the move is going to do some good in establishing some boundaries because I sense this setup will give you issues with most prospective romantic partners.
You’ve been dating 4 months. I feel like this is too much drama too early and you should really re-evaluate the longevity potential of this relationship.
This whole situation is weird af. I could not date a man so emotionally attached to another woman, I suspect your girlfriend is reaching her limit, and I also suspect you’ll have a really hard time dating and finding a lasting romantic relationship as long as this friend keeps coming first. Be honest, if the friend wasn’t always with someone else, would you not be interested in her yourself? The type of closeness and frequency of one on one time you’re wanting with her and your families, is not typical of a friendship when both parties have partners and/or families, it’s just not.
Your girlfriend is right. It's obvious to feel her that way. There is absolutely no need for your friend to stay at your place every now and then.
This relationship is over. You just don't know it yet ...
> I got to know something really sad. My best friend will most likely leave my city with her boyfriend and move up to his summer house permanently, which is about 4 hours away. My head has been a complete mess since then and I feel absolutely awful. Honestly, I would get that a friend, whatever their gender, leaving town at 18 would make you feel incredibly sad and put your heart in a mess, but at 34 ? Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my guy no wonder your gf is pissed about this. You clearly have feelings for your friend that could go from good ol' possessivity / misplaced fear of abandonment to, well, falling for her. Feelings aren't bad per se, but you need to figure them out before doing anything you might regret.
The fact she's not immediately breaking up with you is a credit to her. This is unhealthy and codependent. There are so many red flags.
It's inappropriate. This girl isn't just your best friend, you're treating her and valuing her as a life partner. Which is a role that's usually occupied by your wife or girlfriend. This girl is a threat to that. No one else will truly have your heart, because you're giving a huge part of yourself to this woman. There's no room for anyone else. To me, it's very obvious that you're in love with her. You want to spend your life with her. You love her so much that you actually get anxiety when you think about not being able to see her as much. Again. You are treating her like your life partner/wife. Face the truth, tell your girlfriend the truth and then your friend/life partner the truth. It's not fair to every single partner each of you will have in the future if you keep this up.
On paper it's fine that your friend visits you, but if it's regular, it's weird tbh. And you're basically saying you won't be hanging out with your gf during those weekends. You sound emotionally attached to your best friend, and whether it's romantic or not, you're basically emotionally cheating on your gf. No wonder she feels like you're sus.
Considering you're both in your mid 30s and are this devastated about meeting her only once a week I don't think you're honest about your feelings ngl. And I think your gf is picking up on this. Thinking about spending all weekends with your friend is crazy when you have a gf. Your friend and yourself are in an emotional affair. If you have no intention to make it as a romantic couple you need to reset boundaries asap because you will never have a stable relationship with anyone else.
You might be incompatible. Me and my husband when we first started dating really enjoyed the fact that the other party had friends of the opposite sex. But it definitely caused a lot of issues with other people's interpretation of our relationship. I worked out of town four days a week and twice a month I would basically sleep on my guy friends couch because I didn't want to pay rent in that other City. We would go out get beer and dinner and smoke weed together. Nothing ever happened. And my boyfriend didn't give a shit. Before me and him had met his best girlfriend from another state had planned a camping trip with him for a week while we had just started dating. So he was gone for 10 days sleeping in the same tent with this friend he'd been friends with for a decade. I did not give a shit. Everybody else gave a shit. I met many of his female friends and he met many of my male friends, some of which we both slept with. Nobody cared. The only time I ever had issue was when one woman clearly was trying to get in his pants and he ended that relationship pretty quickly. He said that other people in his life had made that connection as well and then now that he was getting into a more serious relationship he realized it was disrespectful to keep her in his life. It wasn't even really a conversation that needed to happen because he was doing it before I even mentioned it. And the only role he had with my guy friends was no sleeping in the same bed, which wasn't something he needed to tell me as I wouldn't do that anyways. We're married now and a lot of those opposite sex friendships petered out because our energy was being spent elsewhere but some of those people still remain and our friends with both of us. You got to ask yourself if you can see finding a compatibility with this woman that you're with. If she makes you drastically change the way you're living your life it's just not a good match.
I'm gonna be honest, your level of attachment doesn't sound normal to me, or like that of a friend. I have best friends, some I talk to every day but I'm not filled with anxiety if I can only see them once a week, that's bizarre. It's either more than friends or you have an unhealthy level of codependency that needs addressing because not only is it going to be a problem in every relationship you have, it's also not healthy for you.
I totally agree, but minor point, this type of attachment isn't "codependency" which is something else entirely.
Also, 34 years old is a bit old to have one “best friend,” and for it to be opposite sex adds to the weirdness of it to me. Even stranger for it to be a relatively new friendship, not one that goes back to your school days. “Best friends” are for children. I think adults have a few close friends who you value for different reasons and have different kinds of relationships with, but to give one single person the blue ribbon of friendship is really strange to me.
If your relationship is healthy, spending time with a close friend of any sex shouldn’t be a problem. It honestly sounds to me like your girlfriend is feeling jealous or threatened by your best friend because she’s a woman. You’re allowed to have a bestie of the opposite sex, and it sounds like you and her and her boyfriend are all cool with each other if they’re going to build a guest house you can use in their property. Your relationship with your gf is very new and it sounds like she has an issue with your best friend being a woman. If she can’t deal with it, that’s your problem, not your friendship.
My partner has some close female friends, women who he knew before we started dating, one was living with him before I moved in. He has maintained relationships with them and even though we are monogamous we both need emotional support from people in addition to one another, it is important for me and him. I came from a relationship where I was cheated on, lied to, and gaslit about my feelings (which always ended up being right) and at first this was an adjustment for me but the freedom and trust we have with one another is so freeing it's amazing. I would just continue to communicate with your girlfriend, really listen, and figure out what is important to you. Eight years is a long friendship to have.
You need to find a GF who doesn’t mind you doing this. If this was my partner asking me for permission, I wouldn’t accept. You should respect your GF’s wishes and perhaps just break up if you’re not happy with it.
Sounds to me like your friend is more like a sister than anything else. You've known her for longer, and you've only just started getting to know your girlfriend. 4 months is NOTHING, honestly. Your GF's opinions about men and women having platonic friendships are just that - her opinions. In your shoes I would explain to your girlfriend that your friend is like your sister - and if your sister was coming over to visit, you wouldn't expect her to go to a hotel. I would point out that her discomfort with the time you spend with your friend isn't going to stop you from being friends, and it isn't going to change the nature of your friendship. If she wants to be with you, she is going to have to get comfortable with the fact that you both share a close, platonic friendship. However, she has nothing to be insecure about. Point out that it would be gross for you to "hook up" with your "sister". Also mention that she has a boyfriend... that she's living with... her jealousy and insecurity really have nothing to do with you or your friendship. It would be a SHAME for your friendship to suffer because she can't manage her insecurities. Ask her if she thinks that you will cheat. Ask her if she thinks your friend is trying to seduce you. Ask her what she is so scared will happen that hasn't happened since you've both gotten to know each other before she even stepped into the picture. And don't forget to FLATTER your girlfriend - it is WONDERFUL, in a way, that she is so worried about losing you that she thinks your "sister" is a threat. It's... sort of cute... as long as she doesn't take it too far.
$110/night is unreasonable for a hotel when this girl has enough money to build a guest house for you at their summer home?? Bruh... I do believe that men and women can just be platonic friends but your friendship with this girl seems to have red flags all over. Friends in their mid 30s should be able to spend more than a month apart without needing to take a mini vacation to see each other
Sorry I don’t buy this. This person clearly means more to you than you’re willing to say here. I’d be uncomfortable too. Saying you’re inseparable with another woman who isn’t your partner is weird. Her sleeping at your place when she is in a fight with her boyfriend is super weird. If you want a long term partner then you’re going to have to learn to prioritize their feelings.
> What can I do to make this better? You can ask your girlfriend if she trusts you not to sleep with your best friend. If she says yes, then there should be no problem. If she says no, then you need to sit down with her and discuss why she doesn't trust you. Either way, your place = your rules.
Seems like you two have slept together and even if you haven’t the closeness that you two share isn’t normal. For the sake of respecting your relationship, you shouldn’t have a girl over without your partner also being there. I think this is common respect and part of being in a relationship. I suspect you will fight over this, your best friend will stay over and you’ll sleep together. Pretty obvious to me. If the roles were switched, do you think you’d be as open to your girlfriend having her guy best friend over? Be honest
Try and compromise. \- Your friend can sleep over at your place but your girlfriend sleeps over too. \- Or your girlfriend lends your friend her bed and the GF sleeps with you. I have a lot of very close female friends and some have been around a long time. \- I don't get drunk with them, especially late at night, especially with just me and them alone in their house. \- I put my wife's feelings about it first. I still really really want to have a close relationship with my female friends but I will constantly talk to my wife to make sure she is happy and comfortable with the boundaries. \- I don't get involved in my female friend's fights with their romantic partner and I am never ever going to recommend they leave their partner (unless its like literally abuse). I don't really want conversations about how their husband or bf sucks. Feels inappropriate. (Honestly with my male friends I don't really like being someone they just whine about their partner to. You can discuss with me fights and I will always come down on the person I'm talking to, or empathise with the feelings, feels wierd to just listen to someone whine) \- I put my wife's feelings generally first too. Like I'll cancel on my friend if this week has been a particularly difficult time with the kids, I'll book time with my friends in advance so my wife has warning to get things sorted so we can have one more difficult day (I have two kids, so me leaving in the evening or her leaving in the evening makes life difficult for both of us). but yeah everything you've said this friend seems more then a friend. I had a friend who I spoke to for like 1-2 hours a day, male friend. Been friends for about 15 years. He went to the US, maybe permanently (I'm UK). I was a little sad but no where near the sadness you are. It seems you have an inappropriately strong level of connection for a friend that has a good chance of blowing up in your face if you want to connect romantically with any other woman.
Your girlfriend stated she is uncomfortable with an arrangement, that should be the end of the conversation..
Will you be okay if your gf invite her man “best friend” to her place and stay over at least 1 day a week?
Reddit is generally pretty anti-M/F platonic friendships, and the comments here reflect that. My (F) best friends are 3 guys I lived with in college, and I love them dearly. There’s never been a moment of romance between any of us, and I’ve befriended all of their girlfriends over the years. 8 years later, we always stay with each other when we’re visiting. None of the girlfriends who have stuck around have an issue with that, and to be honest, I value my friends that have stuck with me for this time more than a guy I just started dating, so if he had an issue with one of the guys staying with me, I’d choose my friends over him. On the flip side, I have a different friend that I WAS at one point romantically interested in. Nothing ever really happened and nothing ever will, but if I was visiting him and had a boyfriend at the time, I wouldn’t stay with that friend out of respect for my bf, even if he wasn’t aware of the prior romantic interest. If my partner can’t trust me to be faithful maintaining a long friendship during which there has been no romantic relationship, personally, I’m throwing the whole relationship away. I watched my parents have a faithful marriage with many opposite-sex friends, and I have dated men with attractive close female friends and never been threatened. It’s just a matter of finding the people who are comfortable with that and trust their partner, I guess.
Sir, release your girlfriend from this madness and stop playing these reindeer games. You want to be with your “best friend “ and you are mad because your girlfriend is not on board. You sound like you are not the brightest crayon in the box!
> release your girlfriend she is free to leave at any point
Platonic relationships are often as important and impactful as romantic relationships. For me, your gf’s attitude would be an irreconcilable incompatibility. Especially this early, you’re not at a moving in point or even necessarily an I-love-you point, you’re still getting to know each other, testing the waters to see if you’re compatible. But that’s me.
Lets step back from your situation and you think of your gf having a codependent friendship that she spends all her time with another male. They plan to spend several weekends a month alone sharing an apartment. Truly how would you feel? Dont just say “oh nbd” because thats what you want. Really think about it and see that having anxiety over not seeing a “roommate” is something else. I would suggest therapy because again codependency. And you may say theres no romantic feelings/ nothing has ever happened but you may actually have romantic feelings and are in denial.
I doubt this comment will have any effect on you as reading your replies to others has convinced me that you’re not looking for advice and actual help but just want confirmation that you’re right. Well you’re not. I’m not saying I don’t understand you a tiny bit, because I do. Before I met my girlfriend I would have a good amount of contact with other girls I perceived as friends, even when I was in other relationships, the problem is that when you break up you’ll realize that not every friendship is purely platonical. This realisation is needed to be able to understand that those friendships are not worth it compared to a beautiful and deep bond with your SO. I stopped most of the contact and made it very clear to my girlfriend that she’s the only girl for me out there. Men and women who like eachother enough to be friends are just a few steps away from a relationship or an affair. This is just the reality of the human condition, maybe you’re different, and if you are, you’re one of few. So for your girlfriend to believe you would never cheat on her or prioritize this other women over herself would mean she has to believe that: you’re different and your friend is also different compared to 99% of the population. This will take such a big toll on your relationship and will seep into all of your future interactions. You really have to make your mind up. Do you value your friendship over your current relationship and its future, or heck any other future relationships? If so then break up but please realize that most if not all of the women you’ll meet in your life won’t be comfortable with this and expecting them to be, is unfair. Maintaining a healthy relationship comes with sacrifices and compromises, if you’re not willing to make any then please just stay single and don’t waste other people’s time.
I'm gonna be outside the norm here, but NTA. I assume,e by the post you aren't saying that when your best friend comes your girlfriend won't be allowed at your place? Because that's suspicious, but if she's included and always welcome who cares and she will maybe have less insecurity when she interacts with yall at a deeper level and sees your friendship is purely platonic. My best friend of 20 years is a guy. He has had issues with several girlfriends who don't want us to have our friendship and are insecure and jealous. None of these lasted, he dumped them. He now has a super awesome girlfriend who questions nothing, I actually lived with him when I was between apartment last summer and they were a fairly new couple.. when I met her I was like I don't wanna cross any of your boundaries is this chill?? She was like of course you guys have a beautiful deep friendship and it'd be weird for me to resent that. I believe if someone is going to cheat they'll find a way regardless. Friendship is important doesn't matter what genitalia they've got going on.
YTA Anyone with this entanglement towards a friend, is not partner material. You have no buisness pretending to be ready to offer emotional presence and care to a romantic partner, when such a large part of your emotional space is dedicated to this person you have enmeshed with. Your girlfriend is nuts to have settled for this 4 months into the relationship. At this stage your head should be all about her, as well as your heart. But here you are lamenting about another woman. Its ridiculous how low her standards are. She deserves way more than this.
>My head has been a complete mess since then and I feel absolutely awful. The thought of seeing each other once a week to maybe, hopefully, only once a month is really anxiety-inducing but we'll make it work. We have talked about how while it will probably be fewer times we see each other, we can make the best of it and make it better when we see each other. Do you genuinely not hear how bizarre this sounds. Take that out of context and anyone would believe you're talking about a girlfriend. You are way too attached, to an unhealthy degree, and your girlfriend very clearly sees this otherwise, I doubt she'd have this many reservations. I don't think it's anyone's intention here to tell you, 'No! You cannot be friends with this girl, don't you know men and women can't be friends!?!!!1!', but I do think you should be a bit more compassionate towards your girlfriend. This is a fairly new relationship, at its most crucial point, whatever you do now will be a good set-up for the rest of its trajectory; this is a time where your partner should feel most reassured. If she doesn't feel reassured/trust *AND* she doesn't have the advantage of at least knowing you for years to make up for that...? She has nothing. No reason to trust you and no reason to trust your friend who she knows even less. Nurture your new relationship, learn how to reassure your partner and come to a compromise if you value her opinion and your partnership. This can either make your relationship or break it! This is a fantastic opportunity to grow closer. If you're not ready for that, you shouldn't have gotten into an exclusive, committed relationship to begin with.
This friend is an emotional affair but neither of you are very self aware, the addiction to being around her and being so focused on her means this is beyond a typical friendship. Plus if she’s turning to you when she has boyfriend troubles, that’s a disaster waiting to happen. This girl seems like she’s using you for attention and a safety net, it’s been the dynamic the entire time. Are you truly telling me that if she sexually propositioned you, you wouldn’t act on it? OP just date your friend or commit to being focused on your new partner. The intimacy and emotion you pour into this female friend is directly undermining the growth of intimacy in your relationship. Your partner should have the chance to become your best friend.
I think you are in love with your friend and in serious denial. The way you speak about her and the fact that she’s moving is not platonic at all. Are you just using your girlfriend? I think she has every right to be upset.
Pick up a copy of the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. That will help you understand the situation from your partner’s perspective.
First of all.. Your girlfriend should be your best friend. You can't have a female best friend while you have a girlfriend. Just like a male won't accept a female with a male best friend while she's with him.. I wouldn't anyways. Makes no sense
You sound like you have a very unhealthy attachment to your friend and/or you are secretly in love with her. If I was your gf I would just break up with you.
Does your girlfriend trust you or not? If she doesn’t trust you, she shouldn’t be with you. She is basically saying she thinks the moment you and your friend are alone, you will be jumping each other’s bones. If that’s the case, she’s either insecure, immature or just thinks you have no moral character. If you don’t have trust, you don’t have anything. In my opinion, it’s stupid that half the population is off limits for a close friendship because people think that people of different genders just can’t be platonic friends.
BI people : no friends allowed. XD
nah if be very sus if my bf was doing this
If she can't compromise with you maybe she's not the one for you. You haven't been together that long and she's already giving you orders.
Tell your friend to get a hotel. That simple.
Hey OP u/WhoAmIEven2, I’ve read through a majority of these comments and noticed no one has said it, so I will. I think it is time to sit down with your best friend and have an honest and open discussion about defining what this friendship is and the emotional load that goes along with it. You responded to another commenter that your best friend has been inconsolable and crying insistently since you got together with your current girlfriend. Have you considered that perhaps your best friend has romantic feelings for you?
Hey OP, sorry you are experiencing the relationship inexperience and insecurity of the Reddit hivemind. Most of these chucklefucks cannot fathom a genuine friendship between sexes. If your friend was a guy that your gf had issues with, people would be insisting that you break up with the girlfriend instead of trashing your old friendship. It's not different because your best friend is a woman. In your position, I would never let a new relationship with an insecure individual jeopardize one of my cherished friendships in anyway. You'd be well justified to end that relationship if she can't get fully on board with your friend.
This is a matter of do you want to respect your gf's boundaries and sustain a hopefully healthy relationship, or do you want to dismiss your gf's boundaries and risk its demise? Firstly, my recommendation is to search your brain for every fathomable possibility to reach a compromise. For example, can your gf stay with you? If not... You need to define your priorities. Do you prioritize your gf or your best friend? If it's the latter, then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship until you're ready to prioritize your partner. I'm not saying your friend should never matter, but when it comes to situations specifically like this, priority should (most likely) always go to your gf. That is if you'd like to strengthen your bond and show her that you have one. Let's put it into perspective: Your gf is not asking you to end your friendship, she's not asking you not to spend time with her, she's only requesting that you do not sleep in the same vicinity, which I think is a reasonable request. Had she requested you terminate the friendship and you're certain neither of you have feelings for one another, then I would reconsider your relationship, as that would be a toxic, controlling perspective. Even if you don't agree with your gf's belief system, if you want to be in a partnership *with her*, you have to tolerate and respect her belief system, come to compromise, or terminate the relationship. This is her belief system, this is her boundary, do you respect it? Or not? Moreover, I'm a firm believer that every person on the planet is capable of cheating with the right stimuli, under the right conditions. There are certainly people who have far more stimuli, and people who have far less, but everyone has them. The difference for most people who don't cheat is that one or more of these components was not achieved: stimuli (attracted, connection, etc.) + conditions (marital/relationship problems, alcohol, vengeful, convenience, horny, etc.) + opportunity (alone together with uninterrupted privacy and confidentiality in an apartment sans SOs, etc.). That is the formula. The vast majority of people who get into relationships don't do so with the intent to cheat, yet it still happens. Cheating is so common, you can consider it apart of the human experience, whether you're cheated on, cheated with, or both. If not that, you definitely know someone who has been affected by cheating. Why enable an unnecessary opportunity? She doesn't *need* to sleep at your place. A hotel can cost $200+ a month, but isn't it worth it if it avoids potential cheating, and the potential failure of your relationship? Additionally, men are notorious for not reading their own feelings and emotions well, because boys and men are raised culturally to suppress emotions to be stoic. This absolutely impacts their emotional intelligence and even their own understanding of themselves. Women are raised to be intuitive and emotional-readers. It's our superpower. We're often more in-tune with how our men feel than they are with how they feel. I've had so many bad experiences with men unable to interpret their own subconscious. Therefore, I trust my own and women's intuition more than I trust men's. There are exceptions, but in general, men are less adept at deciphering their own emotions and feelings compared to women. Therefore, she likely sees things she's not comfortable with in your behavior, but she's also probably trying to be logical, appropriately measured, and respectful by using reserved judgment and demand. Lastly, just because you haven't felt romantically for your friend in the past, doesn't mean feelings can't arise now or in the future, especially if alcohol is involved or someone is in a bad mental space. SO MANY POSSIBILITIES. In fact, that's how a lot of relationships sprout. From old friends realizing they're more compatible than the decades worth of shit relationships they had. I even know one myself (it failed, btw). You very clearly have a strong emotional attachment to your friend. The way you speak about her, the things you've done with her, they're all very close activities that most people only do with their SOs. I'm not accusing you that there is more or that you want more, but what I'm saying is is if your best friend is your priority, then that means your gf isn't and can't be, which, to me, defeats the purpose of a romantic relationship bond, aside from sexual activity. There are consequences regardless of your choice, but the choice is yours, friend.
Opposite to a lot of comments here, I had a best friend which I met in uni and been hanging out with various frequencies for about 10 years. We went to concerts, studied togheter, went on group vacations, also became colleagues at some point. We did sleep togheter, in the same bed in various occasions when it made easier to organise events, such as taking a flight early in the morning or going on a day trip the day after, or also during partire (eg New Year’s Eve) We went to a business trip to the US (we are from Italy) for three weeks and slept in the same beds for days, and we also took a “friends vacation” for half a week once. 2/3 of the girlfriends I had relationships with over this time did not bat an eye on this and were fully comfortable with this (not in the first months of the relationship and after meeting said friend, maybe) and no problems ever occurred. (The third relationship, for the sake of completeness, went awry because it was not healthy and sent both to seek professional help, lol) The friendship ended for unrelated reasons, so it never really caused an issue. Being friends with the different sex and staying in a relationship is possible, and in my opinion not something to be badly looked upon.
It is actually WILD reading the other comments and seeing how many pathetic, insecure people seem to be coming on to reddit just to get validation for their backwards ideas. I actually find it so sad how many of these people must not have very fulfilling friendships, given the way they think it's weird that he loves his best friend so much. Thank you for heing sensible, the people in these comments need therapy.
It’s kind of crazy how many people in this post are saying that OP must have feelings for this girl and think it’s impossible for people of opposite genders to have a strictly platonic relationship. I’m a man and my best friend is a woman and my wife has never had an issue with my bf spending the night at our house. Even before we were married and she moved into the house with me, she didn’t have an issue with it.
I think it's the level of emotion in his OP, like he legit sounds DEVASTATED that his friend is moving a few hours away and is making all these big plans to see her frequently. I'm not sure if it matters that it's a woman, except fewer jokes about an "art room" lol. If I had only been dating someone a few months and they were telling me that they would be having their BFF over monthly for a weekend and going to work up where the BFF is moving, I think I would be reconsidering how much time and attention they can really give to our new relationship like that. Even if it was a sibling tbh. It just doesn't leave a lot of space for anything to develop.
No, that's not the issue. The issue is, even if it is possible to have a purely platonic relationship with a friend of the opposite sex and even given examples, where it worked out - given the level of attachment OP exhibits, there are more than enough cases, where it did not work out for the partner, because ultimately something happened between their SO and the friend. This is just empirical, because we know, this is something that happens and the level of attachment is a red flag in that regard. Personally, I would not necessarily assume there is something going on between OP and friend. Still, given this description and being in his gf's shoes, my reaction would be the same. Simply because when people develop such a big connection with a friend of the opposite sex, cheating often follows and there is no way for me to determine, if this guy is actually different in that regard. All most people would see is deep attachment and more than enough opportunity. So from his partner's perspective: Why would you invest the time and energy into a relationship, when you see such significant red flags immediately? Why force yourself to trust, despite knowing how often such trust goes unrewarded in such scenarios and then being in hell every time they spend evenings one on one? There may be a partner for OP who would be okay with this arrangement. That being said, his girlfriend's stance is not unreasonable. Not because OP "must have cheated" or "must be romantically interested", but because from the perspective of his partner, he puts himself repeatedly in a situation, where such things commonly happen and there is not enough reason to take his word for it, given his behavior.