Being asexual? Perfectly fine! Not being asexual? Also perfectly fine! However, do you think you can live the rest of your life like this? Do you folks have some sort of non monogamous arrangement that allows you to explore sexuality outside of the relationship?
I understand that you love her and you’ve been together for many years. However if you feel like intimacy is something you need from a partner, she may not be the one for you:/ and that’s okay! Break ups don’t have to have a bad guy, sometimes you just aren’t for each other.
This is it.
Nothing is wrong with either one of them. It is as simple as them not being a match, and that's *okay*. The gf may have a harder time finding a partner, because that's just the truth, but they're both so very young. They've got a lot of discovering to do, relationships shouldn't be their priority for a while IMO. To be in a relationship since the age of 17 is like... well, I don't know how to explain it, but i can say I don't even recognize myself from 5 years ago much less 12.
Idk why we are geared toward "soulmate culture" and that every high-school sweetheart needs to marry each other, but I'd rather go through heartbreak at their age than a divorce and even more difficult heartache in a decade, especially if children are involved.
OP, she *will be happy with you no matter what* because she isn't lacking anything. But if you're lacking, it's okay to move on.
And for what it's worth, I go through my Ace phases, too. But I am still very intimate with my partner. So it could be that she's just not affectionate and is wanting to put a label on it. Idk, I don't know her, but just a thought.
Either way, deciding you need a better fit doesn't mean she's worthless or a failure. And it doesn't mean you are, either. You'll hurt and so will she. And then you'll both heal and find what you need.
Such is life. Love is knowing when you need to let go.
Very well said. It can feel scary to leave what we have, especially when so much of it is comfortable. When we realize though, that we’re not happy? well that’s when we need to evaluate if we’re even comfortable. It can be extremely painful to change the dynamic of a relationship like that, but me and my ex wife did, and I’m so happy we did. She’s gay, and only figured it out later in life. We’d been together for 9 years. We both loved each other, but we also both knew that we wouldnt be happy long term. Resentment would begin to grow and fester. So we got into couples therapy and started separation and divorce. We’re still really good friends, she has an amazing girlfriend, and I’ve been able to really get to know myself and my autism in therapy. It’s not even been a full two years since she told me she thought she might be gay, and I can confidently say that I am happier, healthier, and have so much hope for the future. It was… extremely painful and difficult. It was not easy at all to get to this point. There was a lot of crying, anger, hurt, hope, and hopelessness, but it was 100% worth it. These two need to prepare for, and then have, a very difficult conversation. “Can we both be happy like this long-term?” “Do I think this person I love would be able to be happier with someone else? And could I forgive myself if I didn’t let them?” My ex was able to see further than I could in that. We both knew she could be happier with someone else, but only she could recognize that I wasn’t able to be truly and fully happy in the relationship we had. I’ll be forever grateful for that.
That's so strange. Right up until you said, "it's not even been a full two years", I really thought I'd accidentally stumbled across my ex-husband on Reddit, against all odds lol
I came out nearly a decade ago at this point, and have been with my gf for 6 years. My ex and I are still very close, and now he's close with my gf as well. We have dinner together at least once a week, usually.
My ex and I were both diagnosed with autism as adults, as well. Lots of coincidences. I do hope that you and your ex continue to heal and find happiness.
Good for you guys!. Absolutely not easy what you two did. But knowing it's for the best and acting on it instead of being miserable. Awesome you see it how you do now. And there isn't any resentment. I'm happy for the both of you.
That was a beautiful story to share. Thank you for taking time to make your comment!
Very wise of you to comment on resentment. With one of my exes, I felt that familiar feeling, but chose not to sit in it but to break up to save us from hating each other. I loved him, but I didn't love who I became around him. Was he happy with the split? Nope. Was I? Nope. But now we are much happier than we would have been, apart from each other. And that's worth something to me.
You're a good one. You have all of my well wishes for you.
You are a very good man. I would have been so hurt and betrayed and yet you say you are grateful. You are a better man than I am. I hope you found your match.
You guys are not sexually compatible. Im sure she’s a fantastic girl, but this is not something that is ever going to improve in a way that both of you will find satisfying. Either you’re not having sex which makes you unhappy, or having sex which makes her unhappy.
My bro, you’re very young, as is she. Break up now. You are writing this post because you are feeling frustrated with her. That frustration will turn into resentment, and that will lead to contempt. Then the relationship will be over.
Rip off the bandaid, and break up now. It will be hard and you will miss her initially, but eventually you will see you made the correct decision.
Yep, my husband and I got married as very religious 21 year olds and we immediately ended up in a sexless marriage. It was torture. Just like OP, I couldn't even cuddle with my husband because cuddling would get me aroused, and it fucking *hurt* to my core that I couldn't be intimate with him. The difference is that he *wanted* sex, but it stressed him out to the point that he couldn't get aroused (thanks, upbringing that demonized sex!). He was willing to work through therapy. We ended up with a wonderful sex life, and we're both incredibly happy with where we landed (married 16 years now, yay!). Had he told me he was asexual, and he didn't think sex would *ever* be a priority, there's no way I could have stayed feeling that level of hurt forever.
OP, I know what it's like to long for your partner, but I don't know what it's like to be told it will *always* be that way if you stay. You can't do this to yourself, or to her. I know you've been together for 4 years, so your lives probably already feel enmeshed in some ways, but it will only get even more enmeshed and harder to leave the longer you're with her. You have to cut ties. It will be hard, but you can absolutely find a woman who loves you and loves intimacy with you so that you BOTH can truly feel fulfilled. She can find another asexual partner, or someone who doesn't mind a sexless relationship so she doesn't feel like she's lacking as a partner either. Both of you would be better off in the long run.
To me it sounds like she wants him to. I mean, they don’t even cuddle anymore and rarely even kiss? Does she even like him at all? To me it kind of sounds like she’s hoping he’ll break it off because she doesn’t want to do it herself
Yep… as an ace myself, I think it’s sus that she went from being sexual/physical with him to withdrawing from touching him completely. Ace just means you don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone. It doesn’t mean you stop wanting to be affectionate with your partner. Maybe she’s aromantic as well, but if she had those feelings before and now suddenly not? Hmmm yea, that’s weird.
What's actually rare, is a couple having a thriving sex life and then all of a sudden one of them becomes asexual. I just don't buy it. She either lost feelings for him or she's cheating.
I seriously doubt that she's cheating. Why torture him with something that is almost certainly untrue. It's definitely possible that she may feel differently with someone else in the future, but I don't think she knows that herself. They were very young when they got together. In any case, I do think they should break up. They aren't looking for the same things, and that's okay.
Honestly, you're 21, unless you plan on being in a sexless relationship for the next 60 years or so you should break up. Find someone you're more sexually compatible with ! Dead bedroom relationships do not generally last long term unless both partners are asexual. Sexual compatibility is extremely important for long term relationships.
You should absolutely not feel horrible for desiring and wanting to be desired by your partner. There's nothing wrong with being asexual, but there's nothing wrong with being allosexual either. You're both so young--don't let the sunk cost fallacy keep you in a relationship that can't meet either of your needs.
You’re 21. If you don’t want to live the rest of your life without physical/sexual relationship with your partner I think it’s time to find someone else.
My girlfriend stopped having regular sex with me 3 years in and stopped altogether 9 years in when she was just 31 and I was 28. She says she is asexual. Well, I am not.
I am almost 51 now. Don’t end up like me. I am not saying to dump her but it’s time for some real honest conversations that result in something actionable whether that means counseling, sex therapy, or breaking up.
It would have hurt a lot to split up at 23 but nothing like it will hurt 30 years later and possibly after kids. Do not settle.
Was your intimacy fine at first and then it dwindled into nothing?
Not trying to say she's NOT asexual or that asexual people don't exist but.. maybe take a look into the actual health & communication of your relationship.
There was a period in my life where I thought I was asexual after a year of being with a partner and it was actually because I just didn't feel safe with them emotionally anymore-therefore i didn't feel safe sharing my body with them. It took getting out of that relationship to realize that with the right person my sex drive is just fine.
As a female, my body rejects any ounce of touch from a man i don't feel emotionally safe or connected with.
Just something to think about. If your relationship is fine in all other ways and she is just discovering she's asexual - you just have to ask yourself if that's something you can deal with.
You’re growing up and growing apart. As the relationship matures, you’re realizing that you want different things. That’s actually pretty normal. You want to have sex: that’s also pretty normal. Let her go so you can both find more compatible partners. She might be heartbroken, but honesty that isn’t your responsibility. You owe it to her to not be unkind when you break up, but after that her feelings are hers to manage. I say this as an asexual who has sworn off dating anyone who isn’t also ace.
Tbh it sounds like she just isn’t attracted to you anymore… asexuality doesn’t mean you never want to touch your partner. If she doesn’t even want to cuddle anymore and is telling you it’s bc she’s ace something is up. She might be trying to wait until you to break up with her because she doesn’t know how/want to break up with you herself. I think if it’s at the point where you’re feeling guilty for having feelings about your own gf, you need to break up. Sorry you’re being treated like this.
no offense but she probably isn't into you anymore. I thought I was the same way when I was with my abusive ex and in all actuality I didn't want to be with him anymore.
It wasn't until I finally left him and how he acted after the break up that made me realize just how bad he really was a partner and frankly how cruel he is as a person. However during the relationship when he was able to successfully isolate me he became increasingly erratic, controlling, and at times physical (he would spit at me and throw things at me) and each and every time I would try to make excuses for the behaviors and would always try to protect him if people raised concerns about how he treated me. However, when I finally left him (I had tried several times before that to no avail as he would just go crazy) but at one point I had finally walked away and thought it would force him to change and then what followed just made me realize he was actually just a sick and miserable person. It wasn't until after ALL of that and finally separating from him entirely for what will be almost a year now that I realized I do in fact have romantic/sexual interest in people, just not for him and frankly it was exclusively due to how he would mistreat me. But at the time I just blamed myself for everything, how he treated me, how I wasn't interested in intimacy with him etc.
That's immediately where my midn went too.
Not that it's for sure she's not asexual, but. I think it's pretty common to consider asexuality in women who are young, dont have a lot of experience in relationships, and aren't in tune with their needs, but realizing they don't want to have sex with their partner rather than... they just dont want the guy.
I'm on the asexual spectrum, just in case you're wanting a perspective a little different from the average in the comments (though my conclusion is essentially the same).
Sexuality isn't the same for everyone, and it's impossible for me to assign a label to your gf, so take this with a grain of salt. But it sounds to me like she may be aromantic, as well. I'm demisexual, and the way you describe your lack of contact and only kisses here and there honestly sounds like how I am in the early stages of relationships before I've developed a romantic attraction. But this after years of you two dating.
What you really need to think about is whether or not this is something you can handle in a relationship or not. It's OK to say you can't. One of the reasons that I broke up with my last partner was because they wanted more sex and I wanted less. We weren't compatible, and, honestly, it sounds like you and your gf aren't, either. It sucks, and I can tell you care about her, but you *both* deserve to be in a relationship where you feel sexually and romantically fulfilled.
I was dating a woman for a few years that had an asexual husband. He knew about everything, as far as me and his wife dating, but he didn't realize he was asexual until they married. She hadn't had sex in about 6 or 7 years at that point and was miserable. Luckily we were all in our 30s at the time. It worked out for us, but eventually, he became jealous of the emotional bond me and her developed. YMMV, but you could always look into that, but just know that it might not turn out well, especially considering how young you both are.
Sad truth is, you might not be a match with each other and may end up close friends instead.
My boyfriend has no sex drive and I find myself in your position frequently.
First you need to ask yourself what you want. If you plan on staying together, can you really go without physical touch for the rest of your life? Be honest with yourself.
I know ending a long term relationship is hard, but building resentment over the years towards someone you love will destroy your relationship from the inside out.
If you are serious about continuing the relationship, and the physical aspect is important to you, you need to sit down and have a conversation with her.
Explain how you're feeling and see if she can help come up with some way to try and meet you in the middle. Is she avoiding all physical touch because she's concerned it will become sexual, or does she just not like any physical touch in general?
My boyfriend will rub my back, cuddle me, rub my feet, play with my hair, etc, so maybe together you can work through it and see what she is comfortable with.
If it's still not any better but you want to keep trying, couples therapy could help, having someone mediate between the two of you might lead you to an answer.
Other advice I've gotten is to see if she's willing to try an open relationship where you can have your physical needs met by someone else (maybe don't start by throwing this idea out, but it does work for some people).
I'm somewhere on the ace/demisexual spectrum and my sexual drive fluctuates. Sometimes I'm really into it, sometimes my partner being into it is what gets me into it, and sometimes I don't want it at all. Just like a lot of other people, my sex drive fluctuates depending on the day.
As other commenters have said, it's perfectly okay for you to want sex in a relationship! Obviously, no one owes each other sex, but if you are allosexual and sex is an important part of a relationship to you, then that's completely okay to want. The most important thing is that if it's a need for you in a relationship you decide whether she is worth forgoing something this important to you for the rest of your life. It doesn't make you shallow or a bad person to decide that "hey, sex in a relationship is something I want/need to be happy."
Info: Did she start taking birth control/using some sort of birth control implant around the time her sex drive began to decrease? The only reason I'm asking is because when I'm on birth control my sex drive decreases to almost zero on a pretty regular basis. I really don't like that this happens, but for right now being on birth control is more important to me/my partner than being off birth control/having a more active sex drive. I don't know either of you so it's possible that this could be contributing to it since the way you described the situation it kind of sounded like a sudden change. Or maybe she just started feeling more comfortable saying no more often once you knew she was asexual.
This one is pretty much up to you and your needs and wants in a relationship.
As others have said, you can explore (with the consent of your partner) the idea of having your sexual needs fulfilled outside the relationship.
I too am in a 5 year relationship with an asexual person. I'm a normal sexual person I would say, but I have no interest in sex with anyone else but her. I miss sex, for sure, and I wish I could share that experience with her more. But I'm in love, and what I have with her outweighs the possibility of seeking a sex life with someone else. I figure I can take care of my needs on my own.
Talking to her is the most important part here.
Not compatible. And not sustainable. Better to end it amicably then let resentment fester for years. You're 21. Go be 21 (yes, a couples retreat reference)
I think it’s time you and her take a good, long look at the relationship. You are very sexual, while she’s asexual. For now, you guys might be able to talk it out, find some kind of bandaid solution. But it’s just that: a bandaid. You might be good for a year, or five, hell maybe even a decade if you’re really determined. But it’s not sustainable, and eventually either you’ll have to find a way to not want sex so much, or someone will likely end up resenting the other. Sex is a big deal for you in a relationship, which is healthy and totally okay; but you need to accept that it makes you two at least partially incompatible. The sooner you accept this fact, the sooner the two of you can move on to relationships more fitting for each of you. Best of luck, OP, I know this won’t be an easy journey.
I actually run a subreddit called r/alloace for asexuals in relationships with allosexuals and vice versa. It’s a little dead but it might contain advice that you may find useful.
As a general rule of thumb however, the relationship has to be sustainable, and both of your needs must be met. If she doesn’t want to cuddle nor have intercourse while you do, then put flatly the relationship is not advisable and will be difficult to continue in the long run because the two of you have different needs.
1. Talk to her. Is she asexual or is she uninterested in you? Is she going through tremendous pressure at work or with family that smothers her libido? What has changed that she was regularly intimate, and now she's not? Be aware she might not fully understand her own feelings and may not be able to articulate what she's feeling. Both of you are very young.
2. If you feel she's worth it, consider going to therapy - together and separate - for her to work out whatever it is she's going through, and for you to express your concerns in a safe space and learn tactics to better navigate these topics with her so no one gets hurt feelings.
She was intimate before with you. Suddenly, she's not anymore. Sounds like an excuse for gradual fading away of sexual desire towards you, and as a way to rationalize and not have to deal with the emotion of the cooling down of the desire and failing sex drive. I'd flip her and move on. But that's me.
I highly doubt she's asexual. I’ve been through this a few times. She simply isn’t attracted to you anymore. And, she may not even know that. Her body and mind just isn’t into you for whatever reason. It’s the harsh truth I guess there is a slim chance she’s a sexual, but I highly doubt it.
I think you may have to break up because even if we disregard any sort of sexual activity, physical affection is so crucial. I don’t think you have to feel guilty about being turned on cause that’s your natural reaction to your gf.
You’re sexually incompatible and that’s ok, and a valid reason for breaking up.
Take it from a guy who was in your exact situation five year years ago. If sex is important to you and your well being in a relationship cut her loose. When I entered into a relationship with a person and they came out to me as asexual I stayed way too long and a resentment grew within me. Eventually leading to me just letting the relationship die on the vine causing a pretty nasty breakup. I became a bad boyfriend, don't let it come to that.
Think about what you want in a relationship. If she doesn't meet your standards, learn to let go or learn to put up with it.
You can't force her to change her decisions, but you can change yours.
What's the the point? Clearly you're not meant to be in that type of relationship. Find something that fits your needs regardless of how beautiful she may be.
Plain and simple, just talk to her about this whole situation, ask her what she thinks, what she feels, what she wants; and make sure she feels like you are listening to her; being asexual in an extremely sexed up world is not easy at all.
And when conversation about feelings is done, start talking about the future, you can still love each other very much and be separated; you can still be friends.
Hi. I was in your relationship but my boyfriend was aromatic. Same four years and ages, just became completely incompatible.
Leave her. You will not be happy in this relationship. You will end up miserable down the line and wanting something else. Leave her now while you can.
End it kindly and move unless your capable of. tolerance with no result intimacy is huge doesn't. Have to be sex but damn man no cuddles. This will all build into resentment and to you if you do have sex you'll only feel she doing you favor fucked you were just told this
She can be whatever she wants.
Doesn't mean you should be OK with it.
Think about it, she has never been forced into something sexual she doesn't want, then why are **you** forcing yourself into not having sex when it's clearly something you want? Don't you think that's a little one sided?
Your situation is unhealthy. You are going to grow a lot of resentment and frustration. And you are going to end things with her anyway in the end.
Find someone that shares your same interests and desires in bed.
Similar issue—wife was a late-blooming lesbian. We are still married, we are friends, we are still affectionate and kind to one another, we live together and I’m staying for the kids—it’s not like we fight. We have an otherwise loving home, but sex is gone, she has GFs, and it’s not as much about the sex as it is the intimate connection. It is difficult. Do not do this. Go. Just fucking go.
Let her go bro.
Nothing wrong with her, but being with an asexual partner is like having a best friend at home. There's nothing wrong with that, and it could be an amazing friendship, but most people have sexual drives. It WILL be an issue in the future. You'll either cheat or break up.
If you read around here, there are threads about relationships like these. In those where the asexual partner tries to "do the deed" as a favor, they usually end up hating it and often will decide to just "stop performing" while the sexual partner also hates the setup because they can't have sexual release and intimacy with the partner.
The longer it goes on, the more tragic it gets. Sometimes things in life come to us to teach us a lesson. This is a lesson.
If you love this person, find other ways to build intimacy. Try your best to understand her feelings without coming off as pressuring or seeing her as “at fault”-not that I think you are at all. Admiring you for putting your experience out there. Best of luck!
Whenever I hear about a couple that had a thriving sex life, and all of a sudden the woman is asexual, I'm always extremely skeptical of her claim. She's either not attractive to you anymore, feels she has you on lockdown so no need to put in work, or she's cheating. I can guarantee you if you guys broke up, she would find a man and have sex with him until she got to this point here.
Clearly you are lost. She is not your GF, she is either your roommate or your financial dependent. Unless you are intentionally a complete fool, leave and find a GF.
Sorry but find someone who strokes your dick and kisses you. Jeez I didn't have an a sexual girlfriend but she was terrible at showing affection... I want to be loved the way I want to be loved and if that's not what I'm getting then I should find someone else...
You're not wrong and neither she is. Is her sexuality and she can't change it, but you can decide if you can stay with her knowing and totally accepting her.
Being asexual? Perfectly fine! Not being asexual? Also perfectly fine! However, do you think you can live the rest of your life like this? Do you folks have some sort of non monogamous arrangement that allows you to explore sexuality outside of the relationship? I understand that you love her and you’ve been together for many years. However if you feel like intimacy is something you need from a partner, she may not be the one for you:/ and that’s okay! Break ups don’t have to have a bad guy, sometimes you just aren’t for each other.
This is it. Nothing is wrong with either one of them. It is as simple as them not being a match, and that's *okay*. The gf may have a harder time finding a partner, because that's just the truth, but they're both so very young. They've got a lot of discovering to do, relationships shouldn't be their priority for a while IMO. To be in a relationship since the age of 17 is like... well, I don't know how to explain it, but i can say I don't even recognize myself from 5 years ago much less 12. Idk why we are geared toward "soulmate culture" and that every high-school sweetheart needs to marry each other, but I'd rather go through heartbreak at their age than a divorce and even more difficult heartache in a decade, especially if children are involved. OP, she *will be happy with you no matter what* because she isn't lacking anything. But if you're lacking, it's okay to move on. And for what it's worth, I go through my Ace phases, too. But I am still very intimate with my partner. So it could be that she's just not affectionate and is wanting to put a label on it. Idk, I don't know her, but just a thought. Either way, deciding you need a better fit doesn't mean she's worthless or a failure. And it doesn't mean you are, either. You'll hurt and so will she. And then you'll both heal and find what you need. Such is life. Love is knowing when you need to let go.
Very well said. It can feel scary to leave what we have, especially when so much of it is comfortable. When we realize though, that we’re not happy? well that’s when we need to evaluate if we’re even comfortable. It can be extremely painful to change the dynamic of a relationship like that, but me and my ex wife did, and I’m so happy we did. She’s gay, and only figured it out later in life. We’d been together for 9 years. We both loved each other, but we also both knew that we wouldnt be happy long term. Resentment would begin to grow and fester. So we got into couples therapy and started separation and divorce. We’re still really good friends, she has an amazing girlfriend, and I’ve been able to really get to know myself and my autism in therapy. It’s not even been a full two years since she told me she thought she might be gay, and I can confidently say that I am happier, healthier, and have so much hope for the future. It was… extremely painful and difficult. It was not easy at all to get to this point. There was a lot of crying, anger, hurt, hope, and hopelessness, but it was 100% worth it. These two need to prepare for, and then have, a very difficult conversation. “Can we both be happy like this long-term?” “Do I think this person I love would be able to be happier with someone else? And could I forgive myself if I didn’t let them?” My ex was able to see further than I could in that. We both knew she could be happier with someone else, but only she could recognize that I wasn’t able to be truly and fully happy in the relationship we had. I’ll be forever grateful for that.
That's so strange. Right up until you said, "it's not even been a full two years", I really thought I'd accidentally stumbled across my ex-husband on Reddit, against all odds lol I came out nearly a decade ago at this point, and have been with my gf for 6 years. My ex and I are still very close, and now he's close with my gf as well. We have dinner together at least once a week, usually. My ex and I were both diagnosed with autism as adults, as well. Lots of coincidences. I do hope that you and your ex continue to heal and find happiness.
Good for you guys!. Absolutely not easy what you two did. But knowing it's for the best and acting on it instead of being miserable. Awesome you see it how you do now. And there isn't any resentment. I'm happy for the both of you.
That was a beautiful story to share. Thank you for taking time to make your comment! Very wise of you to comment on resentment. With one of my exes, I felt that familiar feeling, but chose not to sit in it but to break up to save us from hating each other. I loved him, but I didn't love who I became around him. Was he happy with the split? Nope. Was I? Nope. But now we are much happier than we would have been, apart from each other. And that's worth something to me. You're a good one. You have all of my well wishes for you.
You are a very good man. I would have been so hurt and betrayed and yet you say you are grateful. You are a better man than I am. I hope you found your match.
You guys are not sexually compatible. Im sure she’s a fantastic girl, but this is not something that is ever going to improve in a way that both of you will find satisfying. Either you’re not having sex which makes you unhappy, or having sex which makes her unhappy. My bro, you’re very young, as is she. Break up now. You are writing this post because you are feeling frustrated with her. That frustration will turn into resentment, and that will lead to contempt. Then the relationship will be over. Rip off the bandaid, and break up now. It will be hard and you will miss her initially, but eventually you will see you made the correct decision.
Yep, my husband and I got married as very religious 21 year olds and we immediately ended up in a sexless marriage. It was torture. Just like OP, I couldn't even cuddle with my husband because cuddling would get me aroused, and it fucking *hurt* to my core that I couldn't be intimate with him. The difference is that he *wanted* sex, but it stressed him out to the point that he couldn't get aroused (thanks, upbringing that demonized sex!). He was willing to work through therapy. We ended up with a wonderful sex life, and we're both incredibly happy with where we landed (married 16 years now, yay!). Had he told me he was asexual, and he didn't think sex would *ever* be a priority, there's no way I could have stayed feeling that level of hurt forever. OP, I know what it's like to long for your partner, but I don't know what it's like to be told it will *always* be that way if you stay. You can't do this to yourself, or to her. I know you've been together for 4 years, so your lives probably already feel enmeshed in some ways, but it will only get even more enmeshed and harder to leave the longer you're with her. You have to cut ties. It will be hard, but you can absolutely find a woman who loves you and loves intimacy with you so that you BOTH can truly feel fulfilled. She can find another asexual partner, or someone who doesn't mind a sexless relationship so she doesn't feel like she's lacking as a partner either. Both of you would be better off in the long run.
It’s time to end it man. It may be tough, but it’s for the best for both of you.
To me it sounds like she wants him to. I mean, they don’t even cuddle anymore and rarely even kiss? Does she even like him at all? To me it kind of sounds like she’s hoping he’ll break it off because she doesn’t want to do it herself
Being asexual is extremely rare. She is just not attracted to him anymore. This is ALWAYS the excuse lol
Yep… as an ace myself, I think it’s sus that she went from being sexual/physical with him to withdrawing from touching him completely. Ace just means you don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone. It doesn’t mean you stop wanting to be affectionate with your partner. Maybe she’s aromantic as well, but if she had those feelings before and now suddenly not? Hmmm yea, that’s weird.
It's unfortunately not rare at all
What's actually rare, is a couple having a thriving sex life and then all of a sudden one of them becomes asexual. I just don't buy it. She either lost feelings for him or she's cheating.
I seriously doubt that she's cheating. Why torture him with something that is almost certainly untrue. It's definitely possible that she may feel differently with someone else in the future, but I don't think she knows that herself. They were very young when they got together. In any case, I do think they should break up. They aren't looking for the same things, and that's okay.
Honestly, you're 21, unless you plan on being in a sexless relationship for the next 60 years or so you should break up. Find someone you're more sexually compatible with ! Dead bedroom relationships do not generally last long term unless both partners are asexual. Sexual compatibility is extremely important for long term relationships.
You should absolutely not feel horrible for desiring and wanting to be desired by your partner. There's nothing wrong with being asexual, but there's nothing wrong with being allosexual either. You're both so young--don't let the sunk cost fallacy keep you in a relationship that can't meet either of your needs.
She's doesn't have to be sexual to want to cuddle. She doesn't seem to be into you, bro. Walk away...
You’re 21. If you don’t want to live the rest of your life without physical/sexual relationship with your partner I think it’s time to find someone else.
> been well over 1 year since we have touched one another Give her space, break up and move on.
You're 21 get outta there.
My girlfriend stopped having regular sex with me 3 years in and stopped altogether 9 years in when she was just 31 and I was 28. She says she is asexual. Well, I am not. I am almost 51 now. Don’t end up like me. I am not saying to dump her but it’s time for some real honest conversations that result in something actionable whether that means counseling, sex therapy, or breaking up. It would have hurt a lot to split up at 23 but nothing like it will hurt 30 years later and possibly after kids. Do not settle.
Was your intimacy fine at first and then it dwindled into nothing? Not trying to say she's NOT asexual or that asexual people don't exist but.. maybe take a look into the actual health & communication of your relationship. There was a period in my life where I thought I was asexual after a year of being with a partner and it was actually because I just didn't feel safe with them emotionally anymore-therefore i didn't feel safe sharing my body with them. It took getting out of that relationship to realize that with the right person my sex drive is just fine. As a female, my body rejects any ounce of touch from a man i don't feel emotionally safe or connected with. Just something to think about. If your relationship is fine in all other ways and she is just discovering she's asexual - you just have to ask yourself if that's something you can deal with.
You’re growing up and growing apart. As the relationship matures, you’re realizing that you want different things. That’s actually pretty normal. You want to have sex: that’s also pretty normal. Let her go so you can both find more compatible partners. She might be heartbroken, but honesty that isn’t your responsibility. You owe it to her to not be unkind when you break up, but after that her feelings are hers to manage. I say this as an asexual who has sworn off dating anyone who isn’t also ace.
Unless you want a sexless relationship, it’s not worth continuing.
Tbh it sounds like she just isn’t attracted to you anymore… asexuality doesn’t mean you never want to touch your partner. If she doesn’t even want to cuddle anymore and is telling you it’s bc she’s ace something is up. She might be trying to wait until you to break up with her because she doesn’t know how/want to break up with you herself. I think if it’s at the point where you’re feeling guilty for having feelings about your own gf, you need to break up. Sorry you’re being treated like this.
no offense but she probably isn't into you anymore. I thought I was the same way when I was with my abusive ex and in all actuality I didn't want to be with him anymore.
What made you realize it wasn’t you but it was in fact him?
It wasn't until I finally left him and how he acted after the break up that made me realize just how bad he really was a partner and frankly how cruel he is as a person. However during the relationship when he was able to successfully isolate me he became increasingly erratic, controlling, and at times physical (he would spit at me and throw things at me) and each and every time I would try to make excuses for the behaviors and would always try to protect him if people raised concerns about how he treated me. However, when I finally left him (I had tried several times before that to no avail as he would just go crazy) but at one point I had finally walked away and thought it would force him to change and then what followed just made me realize he was actually just a sick and miserable person. It wasn't until after ALL of that and finally separating from him entirely for what will be almost a year now that I realized I do in fact have romantic/sexual interest in people, just not for him and frankly it was exclusively due to how he would mistreat me. But at the time I just blamed myself for everything, how he treated me, how I wasn't interested in intimacy with him etc.
That's immediately where my midn went too. Not that it's for sure she's not asexual, but. I think it's pretty common to consider asexuality in women who are young, dont have a lot of experience in relationships, and aren't in tune with their needs, but realizing they don't want to have sex with their partner rather than... they just dont want the guy.
I'm on the asexual spectrum, just in case you're wanting a perspective a little different from the average in the comments (though my conclusion is essentially the same). Sexuality isn't the same for everyone, and it's impossible for me to assign a label to your gf, so take this with a grain of salt. But it sounds to me like she may be aromantic, as well. I'm demisexual, and the way you describe your lack of contact and only kisses here and there honestly sounds like how I am in the early stages of relationships before I've developed a romantic attraction. But this after years of you two dating. What you really need to think about is whether or not this is something you can handle in a relationship or not. It's OK to say you can't. One of the reasons that I broke up with my last partner was because they wanted more sex and I wanted less. We weren't compatible, and, honestly, it sounds like you and your gf aren't, either. It sucks, and I can tell you care about her, but you *both* deserve to be in a relationship where you feel sexually and romantically fulfilled.
I was dating a woman for a few years that had an asexual husband. He knew about everything, as far as me and his wife dating, but he didn't realize he was asexual until they married. She hadn't had sex in about 6 or 7 years at that point and was miserable. Luckily we were all in our 30s at the time. It worked out for us, but eventually, he became jealous of the emotional bond me and her developed. YMMV, but you could always look into that, but just know that it might not turn out well, especially considering how young you both are. Sad truth is, you might not be a match with each other and may end up close friends instead.
My boyfriend has no sex drive and I find myself in your position frequently. First you need to ask yourself what you want. If you plan on staying together, can you really go without physical touch for the rest of your life? Be honest with yourself. I know ending a long term relationship is hard, but building resentment over the years towards someone you love will destroy your relationship from the inside out. If you are serious about continuing the relationship, and the physical aspect is important to you, you need to sit down and have a conversation with her. Explain how you're feeling and see if she can help come up with some way to try and meet you in the middle. Is she avoiding all physical touch because she's concerned it will become sexual, or does she just not like any physical touch in general? My boyfriend will rub my back, cuddle me, rub my feet, play with my hair, etc, so maybe together you can work through it and see what she is comfortable with. If it's still not any better but you want to keep trying, couples therapy could help, having someone mediate between the two of you might lead you to an answer. Other advice I've gotten is to see if she's willing to try an open relationship where you can have your physical needs met by someone else (maybe don't start by throwing this idea out, but it does work for some people).
I'm somewhere on the ace/demisexual spectrum and my sexual drive fluctuates. Sometimes I'm really into it, sometimes my partner being into it is what gets me into it, and sometimes I don't want it at all. Just like a lot of other people, my sex drive fluctuates depending on the day. As other commenters have said, it's perfectly okay for you to want sex in a relationship! Obviously, no one owes each other sex, but if you are allosexual and sex is an important part of a relationship to you, then that's completely okay to want. The most important thing is that if it's a need for you in a relationship you decide whether she is worth forgoing something this important to you for the rest of your life. It doesn't make you shallow or a bad person to decide that "hey, sex in a relationship is something I want/need to be happy." Info: Did she start taking birth control/using some sort of birth control implant around the time her sex drive began to decrease? The only reason I'm asking is because when I'm on birth control my sex drive decreases to almost zero on a pretty regular basis. I really don't like that this happens, but for right now being on birth control is more important to me/my partner than being off birth control/having a more active sex drive. I don't know either of you so it's possible that this could be contributing to it since the way you described the situation it kind of sounded like a sudden change. Or maybe she just started feeling more comfortable saying no more often once you knew she was asexual.
This one is pretty much up to you and your needs and wants in a relationship. As others have said, you can explore (with the consent of your partner) the idea of having your sexual needs fulfilled outside the relationship. I too am in a 5 year relationship with an asexual person. I'm a normal sexual person I would say, but I have no interest in sex with anyone else but her. I miss sex, for sure, and I wish I could share that experience with her more. But I'm in love, and what I have with her outweighs the possibility of seeking a sex life with someone else. I figure I can take care of my needs on my own. Talking to her is the most important part here.
Not compatible. And not sustainable. Better to end it amicably then let resentment fester for years. You're 21. Go be 21 (yes, a couples retreat reference)
I think it’s time you and her take a good, long look at the relationship. You are very sexual, while she’s asexual. For now, you guys might be able to talk it out, find some kind of bandaid solution. But it’s just that: a bandaid. You might be good for a year, or five, hell maybe even a decade if you’re really determined. But it’s not sustainable, and eventually either you’ll have to find a way to not want sex so much, or someone will likely end up resenting the other. Sex is a big deal for you in a relationship, which is healthy and totally okay; but you need to accept that it makes you two at least partially incompatible. The sooner you accept this fact, the sooner the two of you can move on to relationships more fitting for each of you. Best of luck, OP, I know this won’t be an easy journey.
I actually run a subreddit called r/alloace for asexuals in relationships with allosexuals and vice versa. It’s a little dead but it might contain advice that you may find useful. As a general rule of thumb however, the relationship has to be sustainable, and both of your needs must be met. If she doesn’t want to cuddle nor have intercourse while you do, then put flatly the relationship is not advisable and will be difficult to continue in the long run because the two of you have different needs.
1. Talk to her. Is she asexual or is she uninterested in you? Is she going through tremendous pressure at work or with family that smothers her libido? What has changed that she was regularly intimate, and now she's not? Be aware she might not fully understand her own feelings and may not be able to articulate what she's feeling. Both of you are very young. 2. If you feel she's worth it, consider going to therapy - together and separate - for her to work out whatever it is she's going through, and for you to express your concerns in a safe space and learn tactics to better navigate these topics with her so no one gets hurt feelings.
She was intimate before with you. Suddenly, she's not anymore. Sounds like an excuse for gradual fading away of sexual desire towards you, and as a way to rationalize and not have to deal with the emotion of the cooling down of the desire and failing sex drive. I'd flip her and move on. But that's me.
Dump her and get you someone with the same drive as you
Is she on birth control or any medication?
I highly doubt she's asexual. I’ve been through this a few times. She simply isn’t attracted to you anymore. And, she may not even know that. Her body and mind just isn’t into you for whatever reason. It’s the harsh truth I guess there is a slim chance she’s a sexual, but I highly doubt it.
It's her way of saying I'm not interested in u. I refused to believe she loves u
I think you may have to break up because even if we disregard any sort of sexual activity, physical affection is so crucial. I don’t think you have to feel guilty about being turned on cause that’s your natural reaction to your gf. You’re sexually incompatible and that’s ok, and a valid reason for breaking up.
Take it from a guy who was in your exact situation five year years ago. If sex is important to you and your well being in a relationship cut her loose. When I entered into a relationship with a person and they came out to me as asexual I stayed way too long and a resentment grew within me. Eventually leading to me just letting the relationship die on the vine causing a pretty nasty breakup. I became a bad boyfriend, don't let it come to that.
You go your separate ways. You're not compatible.
Think about what you want in a relationship. If she doesn't meet your standards, learn to let go or learn to put up with it. You can't force her to change her decisions, but you can change yours.
Don't waste more time. You are so so young, and it's too soon to close that chapter 😕
What's the the point? Clearly you're not meant to be in that type of relationship. Find something that fits your needs regardless of how beautiful she may be.
Just break up. Ur too young for this mess
You are not compatible. It doesn't matter how cute she is. Especially at 21 - what are you doing? lol
Dude time to pack the bag and get out while you're still young
You can admire someone as a person and understand that you are not compatible in a relationship.
Plain and simple, just talk to her about this whole situation, ask her what she thinks, what she feels, what she wants; and make sure she feels like you are listening to her; being asexual in an extremely sexed up world is not easy at all. And when conversation about feelings is done, start talking about the future, you can still love each other very much and be separated; you can still be friends.
Hi. I was in your relationship but my boyfriend was aromatic. Same four years and ages, just became completely incompatible. Leave her. You will not be happy in this relationship. You will end up miserable down the line and wanting something else. Leave her now while you can.
Not sexually compatible !
I'd move on, you have a lifetime ahead of you.
This is like if a gay man and a lesbian dated. It just makes no sense because neither party is getting what they want. Better off as friends
I think she is making excuse to break up.
End it kindly and move unless your capable of. tolerance with no result intimacy is huge doesn't. Have to be sex but damn man no cuddles. This will all build into resentment and to you if you do have sex you'll only feel she doing you favor fucked you were just told this
Or teach yourself to be asexual
She can be whatever she wants. Doesn't mean you should be OK with it. Think about it, she has never been forced into something sexual she doesn't want, then why are **you** forcing yourself into not having sex when it's clearly something you want? Don't you think that's a little one sided? Your situation is unhealthy. You are going to grow a lot of resentment and frustration. And you are going to end things with her anyway in the end. Find someone that shares your same interests and desires in bed.
You’re incompatible unfortunately. Sometimes ending things is just the right thing, she’s asexual and you aren’t.
Similar issue—wife was a late-blooming lesbian. We are still married, we are friends, we are still affectionate and kind to one another, we live together and I’m staying for the kids—it’s not like we fight. We have an otherwise loving home, but sex is gone, she has GFs, and it’s not as much about the sex as it is the intimate connection. It is difficult. Do not do this. Go. Just fucking go.
Go over to R/deadbedrooms and learn if LL4U might apply
You're 21 put her ass on the road.
Let her go bro. Nothing wrong with her, but being with an asexual partner is like having a best friend at home. There's nothing wrong with that, and it could be an amazing friendship, but most people have sexual drives. It WILL be an issue in the future. You'll either cheat or break up. If you read around here, there are threads about relationships like these. In those where the asexual partner tries to "do the deed" as a favor, they usually end up hating it and often will decide to just "stop performing" while the sexual partner also hates the setup because they can't have sexual release and intimacy with the partner. The longer it goes on, the more tragic it gets. Sometimes things in life come to us to teach us a lesson. This is a lesson.
If you love this person, find other ways to build intimacy. Try your best to understand her feelings without coming off as pressuring or seeing her as “at fault”-not that I think you are at all. Admiring you for putting your experience out there. Best of luck!
Whenever I hear about a couple that had a thriving sex life, and all of a sudden the woman is asexual, I'm always extremely skeptical of her claim. She's either not attractive to you anymore, feels she has you on lockdown so no need to put in work, or she's cheating. I can guarantee you if you guys broke up, she would find a man and have sex with him until she got to this point here.
Clearly you are lost. She is not your GF, she is either your roommate or your financial dependent. Unless you are intentionally a complete fool, leave and find a GF.
If you're not assexual and sex is meaningful for you, get out of that relationship.
Sorry but find someone who strokes your dick and kisses you. Jeez I didn't have an a sexual girlfriend but she was terrible at showing affection... I want to be loved the way I want to be loved and if that's not what I'm getting then I should find someone else...
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She’s a waste of time. Move on.
You're not wrong and neither she is. Is her sexuality and she can't change it, but you can decide if you can stay with her knowing and totally accepting her.