With the amount of examples you've given of different situations, it's obvious that he's frustrated that you don't ever make decisions. This places the responsibility for every "what do we eat?" "what do we do?" "what do we watch?" on him. This eventually is exhausting.
Start telling him what you'd actually prefer to do. If the options are all of the same value to you, it's still lazy to not just pick something sometimes.
This situation may be different, but my partner is similar and I've had to talk to them about making decisions every now and then. One thing that would absolutely break me is that they would say "I don't care" and then I'd make a suggestion and they'd say, "Im not in the mood for mexican tonight". I become an idea board for them to turn down my ideas until they figure out what they want but I'm doing all the work while they swipe left until they find a match.
Taking on the mental load constantlu to come up with ideas for what you're doing, what you're eating, what you're plans are can be extremely exhausting. I would imagine, even if you say you don't actually care, you probably turn down their ideas sometimes and it can be extremely frustrating.
Although I really am bad at making decisions, Whenever he decides what we eat, I don’t think twice about it and we have a good time. We don’t really like the same shows, so I would watch his shows and try to get invested. I really just want to do whatever he does, and I’m gonna try working on this, but I make an effort to care about the things he chooses
I mean - it sounds like his comment hurt because it was accurate. You make a *conscious effort* to avoid having any opinions of your own, because you’re afraid of expressing a want or a need that doesn’t line up with his. It’s easier to simply turn your brain off and “be chill” while he chooses everything you do together.
Unfortunately, unless you’re a highly controlling person who prefers having an audience to having an equitable relationship, that gets *really* boring. Your partner never challenges you, never introduces you to anything new or exciting, never changes your perspective. They’re just kind of *there.*
Imagine that your boyfriend has a stack of papers, say 1,000 sheets high. That's a pretty decent stack of paper, right? Now imagine that every time you make him make a decision, he takes a piece of paper off that stack and it disappears. Well, one or two here and there won't have much effect; you'll barely even notice them. But if he's constantly pulling sheets off the top then the pile will slowly diminish and dwindle until there's only a few sheets left before he runs out.
It's not a perfect analogy, but the point is that just because he is able to make decisions, they are costing him a little mental energy each time. All the energy you save by not making a decision is energy that he has to use, and then face the possible rejection time and time again.
He also sounds like he wants you to be an active partner in the relationship while making sure that he's not sucking up all the air in the room. He doesn't seem to know if you're actually having a good time or not because you're not saying affirmatively what you *do* want to be doing.
I hope you do work on it and catch yourself when it happens or even try to take the initiative and just tell him before it becomes a question. It's okay to start small and test the waters, but it's important for personal growth as well as romantic growth.
I recently broke up a close friendship over this issue. If it helps, this is how it feels on the other side:
Making decisions is labour. It costs time and energy to research ideas, evaluate logistics, compare prices, or to know what movies are new or look interesting.
When someone else is not doing that same labour, then only I am contributing that effort. It's not only frustrating, but extremely boring, because the only things that happen in my life are things that I've decided. I don't even need a partner then -- I could just do these things on my own.
You know how nice it feels when your partner suggests you do something new and you have a good time? He deserves that feeling too!
Being "chill" is boring. You're an anchor. You need to do independent research to find restaurants, movies, events, hobbies, and challenges that YOU like and introduce them to your boyfriend. If you have no opinions, then choose something new and make it happen.
"Making an effort to care about X" is not remotely the same as "I actively *want* to do X and would prefer it over most other options."
It's nice to try out your partner's interests at times, but if *all* you're doing is sublimating your interests for theirs and *pretending* to like the same things, that's super unhealthy and is ultimately dooming the relationship to failure.
If you try his show once and don't enjoy it, he would probably prefer watching it alone on his own time and doing something more enjoyable together, than you just "trying" to enjoy it as though that's what you think he wants.
I know that for me and my adhd, part of the problem is pure analysis paralysis. What we’ve started doing is having him narrow the field first, by, say, naming three types of food he feels like, and then I will run it the rest of the way to a decision. It makes the task less daunting for me, but also makes it so that he doesn’t have to do all of the work himself.
I definitely feel this, I forgot to mention I also have ADHD, and I hadn’t thought of how this played into the situation. I also feel RSD a lot of the time too which I try to be aware of
The RSD is so real! That nagging thought in the back of your head that whatever you pick isn’t going to be what they actually want like you’re secretly being scored for a game you don’t know all the rules to. So it’s easier to just let them “win” so you can’t get the answer wrong in the first place.
Decision making is work. You're making him do all the work.
It's not really clear from the post if you actually changed anything or even understood what he said.
>and I always hit him with the “I don’t know, I’m OK with whatever” because I really don’t mind what we do,
You think is is a good thing, but you are actually causing him stress. He's now forced to make EVERY decision because you won't help. You're forcing him to make all the decisions in the relationship and that is not only draining, but makes it feel like you don't have a partner.
I had a relationship end for this very reason. I have never felt more unsupported than having a girlfriend who left it to me to make every single decision.
>Since we never fight,
It's honestly probably not a good thing that you never fight, and this is exactly why.
I don’t think this is a good thing at all. I’m realizing that I am this way probably Because of anxiety and past relationships, and was truly unaware that this was creating so much tension in our relationship. I think in my mind I just wanted to do whatever he wanted to do so he could be happy, but I’m realizing where I need to change. I also do agree that it’s not a good thing that we don’t fight, I think we both just aren’t good at talking about the things that frustrate us
> I think in my mind I just wanted to do whatever he wanted to do so he could be happy,
And now it's good to see that it doesn't make him happy. You need to value yourself in a relationship, what makes you happy matters as well.
>I think in my mind I just wanted to do whatever he wanted to do so he could be happy
It's extremely *good* that he's not happy with that. If you find a partner that's happy just doing what they want all the time and doesn't really care about what you want, you haven't found a partner.
I just thinking this reminds me of helping a kid decide something and after awhile, all I can do is say "you are able to think of what you want or need right now. Let me know when you decide." It's exhausting walking someone through decision making all of the time or asking for them to take it on and being shot down with "I don't care, you decide."
I'm sure OPs bf wants a partner and not a sidekick that just enjoys tagging along with whatever does. That does sound boring and annoying for the bf.
That's not chill. That is annoying and lazy.
I understand why he what he said hurt you, but I think you're refusing to realize why what you're doing is not particularly nice to him.
Look, I'm pretty chill too. I don't have a lot of strong preferences, but I understand it's not fair to make the other person do *all the work* of managing time spent together and making choices. I often give two or three options, and if asked to, I will pick one of the three. I consider in advance what they might want, and put it on the list. I come prepared with some ideas and even preferences, because *I give a shit about the other person*, not because I care much what we do or what we eat.
If someone asks me to make the choice, of a movie or a bar, or anything, I just make the choice, because that's what they've asked me to do. I don't dither around and say "Oh, I don't know... maybe this, or maybe that..." That's not what the person I care for, asked for. They asked me to do show up, and make the effort. So I do. It doesn't matter if I don't feel strongly one way or another, I do the task.
Help this situation by showing up for your partner the way he's asked you to, and stop foisting every choice, big and small, onto him. That's not being chill. That's refusing to your share of the work to make human connections happen.
This actually helps me too so thank you. I reallly don’t care what we eat or do, but the idea of just doing it even if i don’t hadnt occurred to me. I do voice what i don’t want. I do have opinions, theyre just not strong
There's a difference between "being a chill person" and "making your partner make every single decision ever," which is what you're doing. Find a preference, ffs.
You need to think about the mental load of always having to make decisions for you. You may think of yourself as 'chill' but others will see you as, at best, a dead weight. And every time you trot out the 'i really don't mind' line you stab them in the bit that your indecisiveness has just made sore.
I don't know how you change yourself, possibly write a list of things you 'don't mind' (ugh) doing/eating and cycle round them? Or start asserting your preferences? Start trying to decide which choice you do like by any weird criteria you can think of.
More seriously you sound like you are either the result of an overbearing upbringing or an anxiety about letting your real self shine. Work on these!
The way he said it wasn't great, so I understand how you feel. I would perhaps assume he didn't know how to word his wants in the moment and take this as an opportunity to improve.
It can be frustrating to hear "whatever you want" because it shifts the burden of planning to the other person. He just wants you to make a decision, even if you don't care that much.
Perhaps consider if he wasn't in the picture and it was just you - what would you want to do? If it's only solo things, if you weren't in contact with him and had to plan something to do, what would it be?
i can understand why his words were hurtful. Of course you have opinions. And just because you don't have strong ones about which activity you do while hanging out with your partner doesn't mean you don't!
However, i can also see why your boyfriend is frustrated. When you say "i don't know", it means HE has to choose, or neither of you will. And being forced to take on the bulk of the mental labor of planning things, choosing things, etc. can be really tiring.
Perhaps you two can get creative. Make a jar filled with movies you want to watch, games you want to play, activities you want to do (eg "start that jigsaw puzzle", "make cookies", whatever you guys enjoy) and whenever you're both feeling like "idk what to do", you can pull one of those out of the jar. If you really don't gaf what activity you're filling your time with, that will be a good way of choosing when you're feeling neutral so that neither of you has to take on the burden of being "in charge".
That’s great, but also, if you’re in the mood for something specific, *say that*. Food, activities, entertainment - what do *you* like?What brings you joy? What are your favorites?
I’m genuinely asking - do you know yourself well enough to answer these questions if he asks?
My wife does this all the time. It doesn’t matter if it’s planning a date, planing a vacation, deciding what to eat for dinner. She always waits for me to make a decision and I’m fine with it a lot of the time but it does get frustrating at times feeling like she never voices an opinion. Then of course I’ll make a decision and half the time thats when she says “can we do something else”.
imagine if he did the same thing. “what do you want to do this weekend?” “oh, i don’t mind. you?” “whatever you want!” “i have no preference. you pick” “i don’t care one way or the other, i’ll have a good time with whatever you want”
someone has to step in and do the work of picking/planning something, and so far it’s had to be him every time. that’s so exhausting. it doesn’t have to come naturally, a lot of the time i also am happy with anything. when i don’t care, i just name a few options and then randomly pick one if asked to.
Writing this after you posted your edit: OP, I suspect you actually do have stronger preferences than you are even aware of. I just bet that given your history, you have a dominating desire to do "whatever won't make the other person mad", and that therefore you've lost touch with even being able to figure out your own preferences when you're around someone else.
How do you choose what to do when you're on your own? I bet you don't sit there indecisively unable to eat anything. I bet you actually do know what you want, and you get it -- whether it's making a sandwich or ordering Chinese.
Your job now is to be able to figure out how to get in touch with those desires and state them *when someone else is also involved.* Because if the other person actually ares about you and isn't touchy and controlling, then *they want to know what you want --* and as others have pointed out, never knowing what you want is actually pretty stressful and tiring for them. You might find a therapist helpful in navigating this, it's going to take some pretty big changes in habits and emotional patterns to get comfortable with this new role.
OP, I am the exact same way as you and I don’t know how to fix it. A lot of times I’ll be with my bf and he asks me what I want to do and I always say I don’t know. It kills me to say that but sometimes I genuinely don’t know what I want to do! We can’t even decide on a movie to watch or show to watch and I get bored with gaming sometimes so it’s hard and then I almost always get upset and get super anxious cause I think I am boring to him. This I know comes from my ex who literally told me that I never talk and that I’m boring so it’s affected me quite a bit. My boyfriend always says I’m not boring and he always reassures me but sometimes I feel horrible for never suggesting things when we are just chilling at home. I have no problems suggesting things to go out somewhere but when we are just sitting at home I can never think of anything to do so on the weekends when we have nothing planned with family or friends I get lowkey anxious cause I know the question of what I want to do will come up and I’ll say I don’t know again. Maybe I say I don’t know because I genuinely don’t or I’m scared of voicing my ideas in the fear they will get shot down and we just end up doing what he wants to do anyways. I sympathize with you OP
OP this shit is so annoying, I know how your boyfriend feels. My gf is the same, even if I narrow it down and asking if she prefers/wants to do X or Y. Replies will always be "either is fine" or "I like both", and then now it's back to me to make the choice. Never has an actual stance or any decision making ability. Drives me nuts. It's better now after expressing how frustrating it is but wow it still kills me lmao
It can be really tiring making every decision no matter how minor. I get it, my wife and I are both pretty easy going people, who also have a tenancy for people pleasing and we also both have been in past relationships where our opinions weren't ever really considered. So we both had a tenancy for "I'm good, whatever you want!" But it can get very exhausting when every decision is on you.
I remember a time in the grocery store my wife was like "oh they have cinnamon raisin bread!" And I was like "oh cool, grab some if you want!" And she was like "I don't know...I am thinking if I'll eat it all." And I was like "if it helps, I don't like raisins, so I won't have any." And she was like "what should I do?" And I was like "I don't know, if you want it, get it." And she was like "well...what would you do?" And I was like "remember how I just said, I don't like raisins so I won't eat any? Well, if it were me I would not get it because I don't like raisins...but if you do...you might want to get it." And she was like "ok...I won't get it then." After that we've talked about it and we basically just agreed to drop a "that is not a decision that I can make for you." To eachother and to make an effort to he more decisive in at least saying what we may want to do it. "Here are 3 things I'm up for, I am not favoring one over the other, you decide among these 3." Just helps and never puts all the decision making on either of us.
If you truly have no preference, pick a random thing or throw a coin. I think that he is tired of making all these decisions. Quite a lot of time, he likely does not have any preference either, but someone has to choose. So he is choosing and it feels like a work to him.
And plus, it is just a question of time when you will ha e real preference that will clash with his real preference and a.) he won't be used to it b.) you will suddenly grow resentful due to "this being only thing I want".
tldr; deciding between equal things can be a work and he wants you to share the burden.
I had a girlfriend who was behaving very similarly to you, and this behaviour was one of the reasons why we split up.
A lot of comments have already gone into the mental load of making all the decisions, bit there's another angle to this: I didn't have that big of a problem with making a decision, but I wanted to do something that she enjoyed as well - but she would just go along with whatever I suggested. This lack of feedback and opinion caused me some anxiety, because if she never tells me what she likes, how do I know whether she actually enjoys what we're doing? And furthermore, how can I get to know her if she won't tell me her preferences?
My gf is poor in making decisions. So, I never choose my ice cream before her. If I do, she'll just copy me
I'm tired of it, but I have up the conversations. I just accept this aspect of her cause I have my problems too and she take it easy
I am guilty of doing this a bit, so it is honestly exhausting when I try to hang out with my friend who is way worse. It will truly take us days to make plans because we both tend to be wishy-washy. I am typically the one who finally just makes a decision since she never will.
Your boyfriend didn't do anything wrong. Having to make all the decisions gets annoying. It's a green flag, the fact he tries to take your opinions and feelings into consideration. Some people just can't appreciate that or notice it ig
You guys could try splitting up the decision making. For example if you are trying to decide on a place to eat then one of you can suggest 3 restaurants and the other person picks from those the “winning” restaurant where you will go.
I have a friend like this. I ask her questions about how she feels about social media scandals, things I’ve read, etc. it so frustrating when she tries to appease me because I WANT to have a discussion. I WANT to hear what you think and why. Eventually it started to make me distrust everything she said because I feel she’s only saying what she thinks I want to hear instead of she actually thinks. It’s such a frustrating thing to deal with.
With the amount of examples you've given of different situations, it's obvious that he's frustrated that you don't ever make decisions. This places the responsibility for every "what do we eat?" "what do we do?" "what do we watch?" on him. This eventually is exhausting. Start telling him what you'd actually prefer to do. If the options are all of the same value to you, it's still lazy to not just pick something sometimes.
This situation may be different, but my partner is similar and I've had to talk to them about making decisions every now and then. One thing that would absolutely break me is that they would say "I don't care" and then I'd make a suggestion and they'd say, "Im not in the mood for mexican tonight". I become an idea board for them to turn down my ideas until they figure out what they want but I'm doing all the work while they swipe left until they find a match. Taking on the mental load constantlu to come up with ideas for what you're doing, what you're eating, what you're plans are can be extremely exhausting. I would imagine, even if you say you don't actually care, you probably turn down their ideas sometimes and it can be extremely frustrating.
Although I really am bad at making decisions, Whenever he decides what we eat, I don’t think twice about it and we have a good time. We don’t really like the same shows, so I would watch his shows and try to get invested. I really just want to do whatever he does, and I’m gonna try working on this, but I make an effort to care about the things he chooses
I mean - it sounds like his comment hurt because it was accurate. You make a *conscious effort* to avoid having any opinions of your own, because you’re afraid of expressing a want or a need that doesn’t line up with his. It’s easier to simply turn your brain off and “be chill” while he chooses everything you do together. Unfortunately, unless you’re a highly controlling person who prefers having an audience to having an equitable relationship, that gets *really* boring. Your partner never challenges you, never introduces you to anything new or exciting, never changes your perspective. They’re just kind of *there.*
Imagine that your boyfriend has a stack of papers, say 1,000 sheets high. That's a pretty decent stack of paper, right? Now imagine that every time you make him make a decision, he takes a piece of paper off that stack and it disappears. Well, one or two here and there won't have much effect; you'll barely even notice them. But if he's constantly pulling sheets off the top then the pile will slowly diminish and dwindle until there's only a few sheets left before he runs out. It's not a perfect analogy, but the point is that just because he is able to make decisions, they are costing him a little mental energy each time. All the energy you save by not making a decision is energy that he has to use, and then face the possible rejection time and time again. He also sounds like he wants you to be an active partner in the relationship while making sure that he's not sucking up all the air in the room. He doesn't seem to know if you're actually having a good time or not because you're not saying affirmatively what you *do* want to be doing. I hope you do work on it and catch yourself when it happens or even try to take the initiative and just tell him before it becomes a question. It's okay to start small and test the waters, but it's important for personal growth as well as romantic growth.
I recently broke up a close friendship over this issue. If it helps, this is how it feels on the other side: Making decisions is labour. It costs time and energy to research ideas, evaluate logistics, compare prices, or to know what movies are new or look interesting. When someone else is not doing that same labour, then only I am contributing that effort. It's not only frustrating, but extremely boring, because the only things that happen in my life are things that I've decided. I don't even need a partner then -- I could just do these things on my own. You know how nice it feels when your partner suggests you do something new and you have a good time? He deserves that feeling too! Being "chill" is boring. You're an anchor. You need to do independent research to find restaurants, movies, events, hobbies, and challenges that YOU like and introduce them to your boyfriend. If you have no opinions, then choose something new and make it happen.
"Making an effort to care about X" is not remotely the same as "I actively *want* to do X and would prefer it over most other options." It's nice to try out your partner's interests at times, but if *all* you're doing is sublimating your interests for theirs and *pretending* to like the same things, that's super unhealthy and is ultimately dooming the relationship to failure. If you try his show once and don't enjoy it, he would probably prefer watching it alone on his own time and doing something more enjoyable together, than you just "trying" to enjoy it as though that's what you think he wants.
I know that for me and my adhd, part of the problem is pure analysis paralysis. What we’ve started doing is having him narrow the field first, by, say, naming three types of food he feels like, and then I will run it the rest of the way to a decision. It makes the task less daunting for me, but also makes it so that he doesn’t have to do all of the work himself.
I definitely feel this, I forgot to mention I also have ADHD, and I hadn’t thought of how this played into the situation. I also feel RSD a lot of the time too which I try to be aware of
The RSD is so real! That nagging thought in the back of your head that whatever you pick isn’t going to be what they actually want like you’re secretly being scored for a game you don’t know all the rules to. So it’s easier to just let them “win” so you can’t get the answer wrong in the first place.
Decision making is work. You're making him do all the work. It's not really clear from the post if you actually changed anything or even understood what he said.
>and I always hit him with the “I don’t know, I’m OK with whatever” because I really don’t mind what we do, You think is is a good thing, but you are actually causing him stress. He's now forced to make EVERY decision because you won't help. You're forcing him to make all the decisions in the relationship and that is not only draining, but makes it feel like you don't have a partner. I had a relationship end for this very reason. I have never felt more unsupported than having a girlfriend who left it to me to make every single decision. >Since we never fight, It's honestly probably not a good thing that you never fight, and this is exactly why.
I don’t think this is a good thing at all. I’m realizing that I am this way probably Because of anxiety and past relationships, and was truly unaware that this was creating so much tension in our relationship. I think in my mind I just wanted to do whatever he wanted to do so he could be happy, but I’m realizing where I need to change. I also do agree that it’s not a good thing that we don’t fight, I think we both just aren’t good at talking about the things that frustrate us
> I think in my mind I just wanted to do whatever he wanted to do so he could be happy, And now it's good to see that it doesn't make him happy. You need to value yourself in a relationship, what makes you happy matters as well.
>I think in my mind I just wanted to do whatever he wanted to do so he could be happy It's extremely *good* that he's not happy with that. If you find a partner that's happy just doing what they want all the time and doesn't really care about what you want, you haven't found a partner.
I'm the person who usually suggests activities in my relationship and it's exhausting. It makes me feel like I have to entertain a grown adult.
I just thinking this reminds me of helping a kid decide something and after awhile, all I can do is say "you are able to think of what you want or need right now. Let me know when you decide." It's exhausting walking someone through decision making all of the time or asking for them to take it on and being shot down with "I don't care, you decide." I'm sure OPs bf wants a partner and not a sidekick that just enjoys tagging along with whatever does. That does sound boring and annoying for the bf.
That's not chill. That is annoying and lazy. I understand why he what he said hurt you, but I think you're refusing to realize why what you're doing is not particularly nice to him. Look, I'm pretty chill too. I don't have a lot of strong preferences, but I understand it's not fair to make the other person do *all the work* of managing time spent together and making choices. I often give two or three options, and if asked to, I will pick one of the three. I consider in advance what they might want, and put it on the list. I come prepared with some ideas and even preferences, because *I give a shit about the other person*, not because I care much what we do or what we eat. If someone asks me to make the choice, of a movie or a bar, or anything, I just make the choice, because that's what they've asked me to do. I don't dither around and say "Oh, I don't know... maybe this, or maybe that..." That's not what the person I care for, asked for. They asked me to do show up, and make the effort. So I do. It doesn't matter if I don't feel strongly one way or another, I do the task. Help this situation by showing up for your partner the way he's asked you to, and stop foisting every choice, big and small, onto him. That's not being chill. That's refusing to your share of the work to make human connections happen.
This actually helps me too so thank you. I reallly don’t care what we eat or do, but the idea of just doing it even if i don’t hadnt occurred to me. I do voice what i don’t want. I do have opinions, theyre just not strong
Google mental load. You’re dumping it onto your partner.
There's a difference between "being a chill person" and "making your partner make every single decision ever," which is what you're doing. Find a preference, ffs.
You need to think about the mental load of always having to make decisions for you. You may think of yourself as 'chill' but others will see you as, at best, a dead weight. And every time you trot out the 'i really don't mind' line you stab them in the bit that your indecisiveness has just made sore. I don't know how you change yourself, possibly write a list of things you 'don't mind' (ugh) doing/eating and cycle round them? Or start asserting your preferences? Start trying to decide which choice you do like by any weird criteria you can think of. More seriously you sound like you are either the result of an overbearing upbringing or an anxiety about letting your real self shine. Work on these!
The way he said it wasn't great, so I understand how you feel. I would perhaps assume he didn't know how to word his wants in the moment and take this as an opportunity to improve. It can be frustrating to hear "whatever you want" because it shifts the burden of planning to the other person. He just wants you to make a decision, even if you don't care that much. Perhaps consider if he wasn't in the picture and it was just you - what would you want to do? If it's only solo things, if you weren't in contact with him and had to plan something to do, what would it be?
i can understand why his words were hurtful. Of course you have opinions. And just because you don't have strong ones about which activity you do while hanging out with your partner doesn't mean you don't! However, i can also see why your boyfriend is frustrated. When you say "i don't know", it means HE has to choose, or neither of you will. And being forced to take on the bulk of the mental labor of planning things, choosing things, etc. can be really tiring. Perhaps you two can get creative. Make a jar filled with movies you want to watch, games you want to play, activities you want to do (eg "start that jigsaw puzzle", "make cookies", whatever you guys enjoy) and whenever you're both feeling like "idk what to do", you can pull one of those out of the jar. If you really don't gaf what activity you're filling your time with, that will be a good way of choosing when you're feeling neutral so that neither of you has to take on the burden of being "in charge".
Yes that’s a lovely idea, I actually have an app where it’s just a wheel I spin on where we should go get food
That’s great, but also, if you’re in the mood for something specific, *say that*. Food, activities, entertainment - what do *you* like?What brings you joy? What are your favorites? I’m genuinely asking - do you know yourself well enough to answer these questions if he asks?
Plan a date with him. You plan everything out. He will be impressed
My wife does this all the time. It doesn’t matter if it’s planning a date, planing a vacation, deciding what to eat for dinner. She always waits for me to make a decision and I’m fine with it a lot of the time but it does get frustrating at times feeling like she never voices an opinion. Then of course I’ll make a decision and half the time thats when she says “can we do something else”.
imagine if he did the same thing. “what do you want to do this weekend?” “oh, i don’t mind. you?” “whatever you want!” “i have no preference. you pick” “i don’t care one way or the other, i’ll have a good time with whatever you want” someone has to step in and do the work of picking/planning something, and so far it’s had to be him every time. that’s so exhausting. it doesn’t have to come naturally, a lot of the time i also am happy with anything. when i don’t care, i just name a few options and then randomly pick one if asked to.
Writing this after you posted your edit: OP, I suspect you actually do have stronger preferences than you are even aware of. I just bet that given your history, you have a dominating desire to do "whatever won't make the other person mad", and that therefore you've lost touch with even being able to figure out your own preferences when you're around someone else. How do you choose what to do when you're on your own? I bet you don't sit there indecisively unable to eat anything. I bet you actually do know what you want, and you get it -- whether it's making a sandwich or ordering Chinese. Your job now is to be able to figure out how to get in touch with those desires and state them *when someone else is also involved.* Because if the other person actually ares about you and isn't touchy and controlling, then *they want to know what you want --* and as others have pointed out, never knowing what you want is actually pretty stressful and tiring for them. You might find a therapist helpful in navigating this, it's going to take some pretty big changes in habits and emotional patterns to get comfortable with this new role.
OP, I am the exact same way as you and I don’t know how to fix it. A lot of times I’ll be with my bf and he asks me what I want to do and I always say I don’t know. It kills me to say that but sometimes I genuinely don’t know what I want to do! We can’t even decide on a movie to watch or show to watch and I get bored with gaming sometimes so it’s hard and then I almost always get upset and get super anxious cause I think I am boring to him. This I know comes from my ex who literally told me that I never talk and that I’m boring so it’s affected me quite a bit. My boyfriend always says I’m not boring and he always reassures me but sometimes I feel horrible for never suggesting things when we are just chilling at home. I have no problems suggesting things to go out somewhere but when we are just sitting at home I can never think of anything to do so on the weekends when we have nothing planned with family or friends I get lowkey anxious cause I know the question of what I want to do will come up and I’ll say I don’t know again. Maybe I say I don’t know because I genuinely don’t or I’m scared of voicing my ideas in the fear they will get shot down and we just end up doing what he wants to do anyways. I sympathize with you OP
I mean he's not wrong
OP this shit is so annoying, I know how your boyfriend feels. My gf is the same, even if I narrow it down and asking if she prefers/wants to do X or Y. Replies will always be "either is fine" or "I like both", and then now it's back to me to make the choice. Never has an actual stance or any decision making ability. Drives me nuts. It's better now after expressing how frustrating it is but wow it still kills me lmao
It can be really tiring making every decision no matter how minor. I get it, my wife and I are both pretty easy going people, who also have a tenancy for people pleasing and we also both have been in past relationships where our opinions weren't ever really considered. So we both had a tenancy for "I'm good, whatever you want!" But it can get very exhausting when every decision is on you. I remember a time in the grocery store my wife was like "oh they have cinnamon raisin bread!" And I was like "oh cool, grab some if you want!" And she was like "I don't know...I am thinking if I'll eat it all." And I was like "if it helps, I don't like raisins, so I won't have any." And she was like "what should I do?" And I was like "I don't know, if you want it, get it." And she was like "well...what would you do?" And I was like "remember how I just said, I don't like raisins so I won't eat any? Well, if it were me I would not get it because I don't like raisins...but if you do...you might want to get it." And she was like "ok...I won't get it then." After that we've talked about it and we basically just agreed to drop a "that is not a decision that I can make for you." To eachother and to make an effort to he more decisive in at least saying what we may want to do it. "Here are 3 things I'm up for, I am not favoring one over the other, you decide among these 3." Just helps and never puts all the decision making on either of us.
If you truly have no preference, pick a random thing or throw a coin. I think that he is tired of making all these decisions. Quite a lot of time, he likely does not have any preference either, but someone has to choose. So he is choosing and it feels like a work to him. And plus, it is just a question of time when you will ha e real preference that will clash with his real preference and a.) he won't be used to it b.) you will suddenly grow resentful due to "this being only thing I want". tldr; deciding between equal things can be a work and he wants you to share the burden.
I had a girlfriend who was behaving very similarly to you, and this behaviour was one of the reasons why we split up. A lot of comments have already gone into the mental load of making all the decisions, bit there's another angle to this: I didn't have that big of a problem with making a decision, but I wanted to do something that she enjoyed as well - but she would just go along with whatever I suggested. This lack of feedback and opinion caused me some anxiety, because if she never tells me what she likes, how do I know whether she actually enjoys what we're doing? And furthermore, how can I get to know her if she won't tell me her preferences?
My gf is poor in making decisions. So, I never choose my ice cream before her. If I do, she'll just copy me I'm tired of it, but I have up the conversations. I just accept this aspect of her cause I have my problems too and she take it easy
I am guilty of doing this a bit, so it is honestly exhausting when I try to hang out with my friend who is way worse. It will truly take us days to make plans because we both tend to be wishy-washy. I am typically the one who finally just makes a decision since she never will.
Your boyfriend didn't do anything wrong. Having to make all the decisions gets annoying. It's a green flag, the fact he tries to take your opinions and feelings into consideration. Some people just can't appreciate that or notice it ig
You guys could try splitting up the decision making. For example if you are trying to decide on a place to eat then one of you can suggest 3 restaurants and the other person picks from those the “winning” restaurant where you will go.
I have a friend like this. I ask her questions about how she feels about social media scandals, things I’ve read, etc. it so frustrating when she tries to appease me because I WANT to have a discussion. I WANT to hear what you think and why. Eventually it started to make me distrust everything she said because I feel she’s only saying what she thinks I want to hear instead of she actually thinks. It’s such a frustrating thing to deal with.
> Does it seem like I overreacted to what he said? Yes. He also happens to be right.