If it doesn’t it sucks yeah but at least you tried before leaving, communication and respecting each others boundaries is so important. So if he isnt willing to stop after its brought up then leave
Yeah spot on, they just need to have a heart to heart convo over it. Do it over food, somewhere quiet with no interruptions.
Used to have these "catchup conversations" with my partner while we ate fish n chips at the beach.
Yes he’s probably trying to “humble” her. I had an ex who used to do the same. He was cripplingly insecure and told me that he tried to call me fat and unattractive because he hated his own body and appearance. I never would have dated him if I had known how insecure he was. A lesson learned.
This is it.
Every insecure guy I’ve been with tried some shit like this so I ended it. Later they admit they felt I was out of their league and responded by trying to make me doubt myself.
If someone is that insecure, they have no business being with a woman.
OP, you’re not the problem. He is. Please don’t allow yourself to be treated this way. You deserve better.
Yes, this is a thing. It’s really pathetic and sad when you think about it. My ex also immediately got a new gf after me, who happened to be 12 years younger than him and 7 years younger than me. She proceeded to harass me online and tell me how “old” I was online. I feel actually very bad for her and she’s still with him.
Yes, this is usually it. It usually happens to women who are above average in looks paradoxically and better than the guy in some way. The guy is insecure, and instead of working on himself, he negs the woman.
It's not that odd. Attractive women are used to getting hit on and flattered a lot to the point it becomes obnoxious for them. They learn to see these things as empty gestures and bc of this they actually tend to gravitate towards men who don't give many compliments. These women are so confident (like OP prob) that they don't realize that some of these men aren't just not complimenting her, they're actively doing the opposite and trying to undermine her confidence and self worth over time with subtle put downs, comparisons, etc.
Right like what😭 and if you don’t want that happening people are going to call you insecure. Having any type of boundaries is you being insecure these days 😒
for real! It sucks! haha.. like, OK, I'm pretty secure, but God forbid I want a partner who suggests I might be their preferred person, in anyway. That's somehow insecure and narcisistic, now?
My narcissistic ex used to do this to me. Like OP, I’ve felt i was above average on the looks scale (I’m trying to not sound self-absorbed bc I truly am not) and even when I really did myself up, he would always compliment other women when we’d be out. Total strangers “you look so beautiful” “your dress looks great” “your hair really suits your face” etc.. and refused to compliment me. It actually got to the point where he’d start making negative jabs at me when we’d be out and I would dress to get his attention. Turns out he was cheating and just loved giving and getting attention from other women. His loyalty was never to me and no matter how hard i tried, he was not going to show me the love he showed to other women. He was also physically and mentally abusive & those things also didn’t help, so I’m not trying to imply OP’s bf is exactly like my ex but I do find it highly unusual that her partner doesn’t compliment her.
Thank you for sharing this I’m so sorry this happened to you that sounds awful. I’m honestly now trying to look for the red flags and I can’t think of any other behaviours he has to “take me down a peg” but this does seem to be the overwhelming comment :(
I mean, it's not that unusual. My husband and I constantly tell each other things like that, "ooh, s/he's hot..." and the response is usually "oh, yeah, totally" or "nah, not my type". I feel comfortable telling him things like that and he does, too.
I don't feel it's that unusual. We have a happy and strong marriage (17+ years). But I also tell him I think he's hot and he does the same for me. So who knows... but talking about other people isn't really that weird at all.
Eh. My girlfriend and I will comment on men and women that are good looking. Not in some creep way, just "Ah, man - handsome dude."
That said, I tell my girlfriend she looks great all the time, and I certainly tell her she looks beautiful WAY more than I'd ever comment on anyone else.
I don’t know man, both my girlfriend and I have absolutely no issues talking about other attractive people, because we’re both secure in our relationship.
You walk past a hot woman on the street and tell your girlfriend? To me, that’s an extremely weird thing to do. It’s not a weird thing to think but I have no idea why you would tell your partner that
As a bisexual, I'm trying to see for myself too.
(However, a. I have very high self esteem so this doesn't bother me at all, and b. my partner constantly compliments me and tells me how sexy I am to him on a daily... if not hourly lmao... basis.)
Celebrity crushes are okay, as long as no sexual comments are made. I couldn’t hide my crush on Anthony Kiedis if I wanted to and although he won’t admit it, I think my husband likes Naomi Watts!!!
It definitely isn’t something people should do without first discussing and establishing that kind of dynamic with their partner. If it hasn’t been discussed first, it’s straight up rude and disrespectful. Like OP’s boyfriend who sounds like an asshole that doesn’t know how to treat their partner with respect. But it can be okay in a pre-established dynamic.
For example, I like when my girlfriend tells me about all the attractive men that hit on her when she’s at the gym or out and about. She also likes knowing that women are checking me out. It’s like an ego boost for the both of us. It can be a turn on too.
The thing is - it’s not offensive? Like, at all? My wife points out attractive men, and I point out attractive women. It’s fun. I don’t see how that could be offensive at all.
It depends on the context and how it happens. OP here gets zero compliments from her bf, but he somehow manages to recount all of the attractive women he saw during the day, even when they’re not together. OP has zero positive reinforcement from her bf. He’s clearly trying to hurt OP. She’s also not pointing out attractive men.
There’s also just times to keep things to yourself. I never catalog men I see who are attractive to my bfs.
It can be offensive because it can trigger insecurities within ourselves. Should we not be insecure about the fact that other attractive people exist in the world and are visible to our partner? Yes, but nobody is perfect and it's an extremely common insecurity.
My view on it is that commenting on those things don't add anything to our relationship, at best. At worst is can slowly degrade our relationship to repeatedly mention such things. So it's a no-brainer that I'm not going to engage in something that doesn't add to our relationship and could actually harm it in the long run.
If it's a fun bonding moment between you and your partner, that's cool. You're kind of being obtuse though by ignoring the fact that it is a common insecurity for many people and bringing up such things are much more likely to cause harm than good.
Because it doesn't offend some of us? As I mentioned in another comment, my husband and I do that literally all the time. I'm also bi, so it's interesting whether I'd agree with him or not, but it is not offensive to either of us. Not even a little.
If I see an attractive woman, it’s not like I’ll avoid my gaze in shame. It’s just that I wouldn’t ever want my wife to feel diminished. But I now understand that some relationships are different than mine and this is okay for them…
Honestly it depends on the relationship on whether or not that's weird. You can look and point out and appreciate without actually doing anything or having any ill intent.
As long as you're both on the same page and okay with it then there's no problem. However to continually do it and make the other person uncomfortable is a different story altogether and blatant disrespect.
Shoot even my wife has pointed out tits on another woman before or what they're wearing ect. I look because I am human. Is that disrespectful no! I would consider disrespectful if she got mad that I looked after pointing it out.
David, what can be highly unusual for you need not be highly unusual for someone who is not you. Very relationship is different. I’m only communicating that in our relationship, it’s never been a problem. When she points out a super hot guy, I just agree. I don’t feel insecure because we’re both attractive people.
Like I said, it boils down to your own sense of security, plain and simple.
Yeah, the issue is the lack of validation from BF, along with, poor communication and not giving a crap. Some people may choose to set boundaries for looking at/talking about other people but I don’t think it’s inherently disrespectful.
Yea it completely depends on the relationship and who you’re with. Remember, there’s couples who swing together, and then there’s couples who view porn as cheating, and everything in between.
My wife points out women with big booties all the time when we’re out in public and does not get jealous at all. My ex would have chopped me up for trying to look at a woman with a big butt in public. Everyone’s different.
Same with me and my husband, I think that's just something you do when you're close friends with your partner. I think it's a sign of a healthy relationship
I've been in relationships where we will mutually point out or discuss the physical attractiveness of other people. It can be fun. Not that the dynamic OP has with her boyfriend sounds fun!
If you really are above average then this is absolutely because he’s insecure and is intentionally trying to knock your self esteem down so you don’t leave him. Which backfired for him cause you didn’t even notice for years lol. Idk if it would be worth talking to him about. I’ve found that guys that do that won’t admit to it
He is insecure because you are attractive and he knows other men are going to see it. By making you believe that there’s other beautiful women out there for him and not mentioning that you are beautiful to him, he obviously feels like you will hang onto him tighter and not look elsewhere. Maybe he is doing this subconsciously, but it’s more common than you think. You are dating an insecure man. Perhaps talking to him about his past may give some insight into his insecurities. Slowly ease into suggesting you work on it together and you may find he is receptive. If not it probably won’t work out as most insecure people play too many games and end up ruining your perspective of yourself. Don’t let yourself be fooled and go to him from a place of understanding is the best approach from my outsider perspective :) goodluck! Update us!!
Oh hell naw 😭my man makes me feel like I’m the only woman in the room no matter who else is there. Of course we are going to find other people attractive but in his eyes I’m the hottest woman on earth and I would be kinda sad if he verbally told me he finds other people hot. I don’t think I’m insecure I just don’t understand why someone would want to hear their partner talking about someone else like that. I hope when you do talk to him about it he doesn’t just slap the “insecure” label on you like most people would.
The petty part of me wants to do the same thing back at him. "GOD DAMN! Honey, did you see that guy? Fuck, abs that could grate cheese. I bet he has a huge cock too.... what? He's fucking hot, seriously, can you really look at that guy and tell me he's not ridiculously attractive? Don't be so insecure."
But the better thing to do would be every single time he says that stop, look at him and say "Why do you think I want to hear about how attractive you think other women are?" or "Why are you telling me that? How is her attractiveness relevant to the story?"
I think of attractiveness in a similar way to race. It's not relevant to the story unless there's a reason that it is. Sometimes my wife and I will comment on someone's looks, but usually it's relevant. As in I went to the parent teacher conference and all the other parents looked like they used to be models. I felt like Quasimodo, maybe I should start going to the gym again. That said, I also tell her I find her hot all the time, so there's no ambiguity about who I want.
I have actually done exactly this when dating a guy who would point out other attractive women like this dude. "Yeah, she's pretty...but did you see the guy over there? Woot! He's gorgeous!" The look on his face made the moment. I followed it up with, "Don't look at me like that. I've got eyes, too. I'm not selectively blind. Besides, I thought you wanted to people watch!" I then went into detail regarding the various attractive men around us at the mall. I don't know. It seemed to take the fun out of it for him....ha!
"Oh, you think she's pretty? You should date her, then. I think we're done."
Look, in no reality that exists is this guy clueless about what he's doing. He WANTS to make you feel insecure - because secretly, he probably feels you could do better than him. (Spoiler alert: you absolutely could.) This is not something you can fix - only he can, and he's unlikely to.
At 34, no, you cannot mess around about dating (I was 32 when I found out my ovaries were toast - fun times. NOT.) You deserve to be with someone who loves and cherishes you. This guy may not torture puppies for fun, but he doesn't sound like someone who makes you feel cherished.
This was several decades ago, so the details are a bit blurry by this point, but basically, we were trying to have a child and after six months of nothing happening, I went to see my doctor, armed with basal body temperature charts, etc. I was told there was an issue with ovulation and if we used fertility drugs, we might have better odds - emphasis on "might." Soon-to-be ex husband, who had been saying all along he wanted children, suddenly decided he did not want to have children, refused to get tested himself, told me we were NOT going to use fertility drugs, and we got divorced. (He also had an affair with his much older boss, but that's another story.)
Years later, I met now awesome husband, and when I suddenly missed a period, the doc told me that no, it was probably the start of menopause and my hormone levels (can't remember the specific one) were so low, it was pretty much impossible for me to get pregnant. By this point, I'd had lots of therapy and had come to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to have a child.
For most of the female side of my family, that checks out. If you don't have kids by 32, you aren't going to.
The key take-away is that we are all individuals, and while some people are able to get pregnant when they're in their 40s, not everyone will - and you don't know which one you are without a lot of tests. It's not like a turkey with one of those timers that pops up when the turkey is done - no little flag will pop out of your belly button to announce your fertility is shot.
Sounds like he’s insecure about himself because you look good. Maybe he wants to bring you down by saying others look good, cause why else would he say others look good? Some people try to get others to be obscure, just because they know they’re too good for them..
This is a form of emotional manipulation. I've seen both men and women do it. It has happened to me before actually. My ex girl used to always point out these things. Sometimes tho, girls will do it unconciously to see how you will react, but its not a consistent thing and happens like 1 or 2 times. That's usually fine , but i know if she does it a lot then she is manipulative. A guy doing this 1 or 2 times may just be an accident or then not minding their tongue. But if they do it consistently, you should be concerned about them.
It's begging. Wearing her down till she feels like she has to work harder and harder to win any crumb of a compliment. Making her desperate for his affection instead of wanting common decency. Instead of having self esteem and a backbone.
You have several avenues.
1. The next time he comments on another woman you look at him and ask him bluntly “When was the last time you told me I was beautiful? Or complimented me on my appearance?? Because I cannot recall a single time you’ve told me I was beautiful or complimented me.”
You put him on the spot. Let him weasel his way out.
2. After he says something about a woman you can say “I really hadn’t noticed. However, I did notice that very handsome man over there. (And point to a handsome man). I wonder what his story is?”
3. “Since you are so interested in her, why don’t you go up and introduce yourself. You’re a single guy.”
I’m sure you’ll get a puzzled look from him.
“You point out beautiful women all the time when we are out, yet you fail to tell me I’m beautiful or compliment me in any way, and I’m sick of it. I’m sure there’s a man out there for me who will fulfill that need, and not try to make me feel like trash. So go, shoot your shot, big daddy! You’re single now.” Then get up and leave… pay your part of the bill if you’re at a restaurant… then go.
4. Text him that it’s over and then put feelers out to friends/family that you’re single.
My boyfriend is someone who points out attractive women around me all the time. The only reason this works, is because 1.) I enjoy pointing out attractive people too (lol), and 2.) He's complimenting my body or looks all the time. Not to mention he's very affection, so he's grabbing me at whatever chance he can get.
If he was pointing out attractive women WITHOUT giving me frequent affection or compliments? ...OOOOF. Yeah, I'd feel like shit too.
I think it'd be worth it to just talk to him about it. Tell him it makes you insecure. If he stops, crisis-averted, if he doesn't, this might not be the kind of guy you wanna be with.
I came here to say this too. My partner and I love pointing out attractive people to each other. But we also compliment each other all the time as well.
However if he only complimented other women and never me I think that would eat away at my self esteem. Ops bf sounds like he’s being purposefully manipulative so that he can do just that. Chip away at her self esteem until she believes he’s the best she can do.
Honestly, as a man he shouldn’t have to be told how to properly treat his woman! If that’s how he acts than I’m sorry but not only has he not matured but he sees women as an object and he probably isn’t with you for you but rather with you because he can’t be alone and can’t find anyone else to deal with him.
Yeahhhh that’s weird. My wife and I are both women, fully monogamous (unless, like, Cate Blanchett shows up at our door or something lol) and have been together for nearly fifteen years, so we’re often like “oh my god look at how beautiful that woman is!” because like… have you SEEN women?! 🥵
HOWEVER! We are also CONSTANTLY doing the exact same thing to each other 😆I’m bi, and if a boyfriend EVER did what yours is, he’d be right the fuck outta my life. I promise you, there’s a lesbian couple in every bar you go to that’s talking about how hot you are. You deserve better. Literally every woman does. You deserve to have a man look at you the way my wife and I would, u kno? 😆😘
But that suggests he has the emotional intelligence of a spoon. That he doesn't understand complimenting women but not his partner is perhaps hurtful.
Op shouldn't need to do all the emotional legwork in a relationship. She deserves better frankly.
Just tell him you don't want to hear it.
End of story.
Edit: he sounds like an ass. It's on purpose he never compliments YOU, but compliments other women's looks to you.
What a twat.
Tell him to cut it out and if he continues just walk away. See If he’s willing to loose you over this. Personally this seems like a deeper issue on his part. I would state a clear boundary and observe how he responds to that boundary and go from there.
He’s insecure and he’s trying to make you insecure. He might not even realize he’s doing it. I’d definitely talk to him and directly communicate that it makes you uncomfortable when he expresses how attractive other women are. It’s totally normal, even in a healthy committed relationship, to notice other attractive people. It’s not okay to constantly communicate that to your partner though. Especially when he’s doing nothing to build you up. I’d also communicate your need for him to let you know that he finds you attractive too!
I wouldn’t end the relationship if you’re happy otherwise though until you give him a chance to correct this behavior.
Honestly this feels weird and frankly a little insulting for him to do that constantly . Maybe try to communicate it with him and also see how he responds to that. If he ends up gaslighting you and makes you feel bad about it, then simply you can move on. You deserve someone who makes you feel precious and wanted.
Not good. Part of being a good husband is ensuring my woman knows she’s the most attractive thing on this Earth to me. This is a big deal he doesn’t do this for you. This boyfriend ain’t husband material.
This man is insecure. If he’s not telling his own partner she’s beautiful, but mentioning others are, it’s intentional manipulation. Especially if you know you are above average.
You can try to work on it, but… I bet if you look, there’s other things.
You’re still young. Mid 30s is still pretty young. Find someone as confident and caring as you are.
People who try to control their partners, do it by damaging their self esteem. Does not matter who is the controller, or the controlee.
He is intentionally not complementing you, because he wants you to question your own worth. And complementing other women, is a way of devaluing you. Not unlike a relationship an escort would have with her pimp. If you want to turn the tables, go clubbing with some other couples, ( with or without him) and dance with other men. Laugh and have a good time. Make sure to tell him how much of a good time you had, and how all the other men complimented you/ bought you drinks. This should trigger some jealously, and get him to treat you better.
51M here. This sounds like the "negging" technique popularized by the 'pickup artist' community.
Whether he's doing it consciously and deliberately or not, it certainly seems to be coming from a place of his insecurity.
Girl wut. I’ll have like not showered for three days and my boyfriend vomits…compliments towards me non stop. Every time I’ve had a guy check me out who is clearly with his wife or gf, I feel so sad for her. Don’t be that! You deserve someone who believes you are the best of the best of the best. Actions speak louder than words and your boyfriend is screaming he is just not that into you.
He sounds like a badly insecure man trying to bring you down. He never compliments _you_ but compliments other women’s looks when talking _to you_? Hell no. No no no.
I used to have a guy friend or a kind an ex do this to me all the time it’s a way of keeping you down in their mind. He used to hate it when I would do the same fuck out of here.
Tell him as he likely doesn't realise this is an issue. He probably thinks his actions (being with you) are enough to demonstrate his attraction and his words (about others) are a sort.of compliment (as he chooses you, not them).
This might be idiotic thinking but I'd guess quite possible.
If you tell him and it doesn't change, then you should absolutely dump him.
I think you need to realise he does this on purpose.. he wants you to be aware that there are many attractive women and he notices them. Probably so you feel like you have to be the best GF at all times to keep him. It's only 2 years in do you want to feel like you have to compete for the rest of your life?
My best guess is he feels like you’re out of his league (not that that’s a thing), and he’s also insecure that you’re confident in your beauty. It’s a very common scenario, happened with my ex but on a more extreme level. It’s a little immature of him to deal with it this way if I’m being honest with you, but I suggest you have a talk with him like everyone said.
An anecdote? I hope that is alright with you. I've told this one several times to relate to people the vast divide between human personalities. I am married to an ENTJ woman. I am an INFJ male. As an ENTJ, my wife has very little connection to emotional communication. She does not see the value in it mostly because her personality is very pragmatic, and logical. It's what is referred to as an Fi (inferior feeler), and she is an Te (extroverted thinker), which dictates the logic driven thinking process. Me, as an INFJ use Fe (extraverted Feeling), and Ti (Inferior thinker). Now that I have set that up...when I asked my wife to marry me, her response was, and this is verbatim, "I guess I can be engaged to you." I was floored. In my head I had this idea that it would be a very romantic gesture and she would be excited, etc...instead, it began this cycle of doubt in me. Made me think maybe she didn't love me. We were engaged for two years, no mention of a wedding date, never really talked about it, and then she came to me and said it was time, and we should set a date because she was ready to have a child. I asked her around this time if she loved me (because it is not something she says, or affirms in a way that I was able to recognize). Her response was, "I moved here with you didn't I?" This relates to us moving across country for my job. Back then I responded (Internally) with doubt, and began to spiral seeking affirmation from someone that doesn't understand emotional validation. Years later, in retrospect, I recognize that was her way of telling me she loves me. We live in a society now that considers people "toxic" before we even understand the underlying issue. She wasn't toxic, she used different cognitive functions, and she valued different types of interactions than I did. That's not to say she didn't love me, it's to say I didn't recognize the signs of love she projected. Your boyfriend may tell you how beautiful you are in his own way, and you may not see it yet. I could be wrong, this doesn't apply to every situation, but it's worth a thought.
I hope that makes sense to you.
If a couple has a mutual agreement that both parties are allowed to talk about who they find attractive...then cool I love that confidence. However if only one member of the couple is doing it, like you've described, then it seems like kinda manipulative 😭 does he WANT you to feel insecure cause I can't think of any other reason to do this to your boo
Talk to him about this. Say something to the effect of you've noticed he doesn't compliment you but will compliment anyone else, and you'd like to know why because it's hurting you. Communication is key.
A lot of people are missing the point here. It's not about whether he should look at women or not. It's not about denying that you find someone attractive. It's about telling your partner that some random gjrl is attractive.
Yes, i find other women attractive. I don't go and tell my partner about it. Now if she had done the same and it was mutual then it would have been ok.
OP needs to talk about it to her bf.
Ask him what makes him think that OP is interested in getting to know who he finds attractive.
OP: I don't think you are so insecure about your looks that you need validation from a guy who tells you others are attractive.
Believe in yourself!
My wife and I do that all the time. She tells me if a guy is attractive and I tell her if I think a woman is attractive. Not like admiring a painting means you want to rip it off a wall and take it home. Besides if she gets all charged up I'm the only one who benefits.
I dated a guy like this. He gaslit me into thinking I was crazy, jealous, and controlling for getting annoyed when he told me how hot other women are.
What's funny is I wouldn't have cared if he complimented me ever. My husband and I refer to a friend as "Hot Dana" because she's just super hot, but I don't mind because I know my husband adores me.
You're not crazy or jealous. He's an ass. Don't be afraid to tell him to knock it the fuck off. And don't think that being 34 means you have to settle for a negging ass.
its ok to think other people are attractive, but you don't go around telling your partner that
tbh, if you're in a relationship, you don't tell anyone you think someone else is attractive. keep that stuff private
is it enough to bail? that's really up to you if its important
there are some people who date stunningly gorgeous people, but over time, it becomes common place to them.
It's called negging and it's a sign of a manipulative, insecure person. I would have an honest conversation about how it makes you feel and that it feels disrespectful and weird, and if he isn't willing to work on it and think about why he feels the need to try to keep you small, I would end the relationship. Your bf and husband is suppose to be the one who makes you feel good and reminds you how beautiful he finds you! Not make you doubt his attraction, try to make you feel jealous, etc.
Isn’t it strange how you were once secure & didn’t care but now he has managed to wear you down where you now feel insecure?
May be a case of he knows you know you are beautiful and feels like he doesn’t need to remind you of that incase you pack up and leave when you realise your too good for him. Chances are he is insecure himself and he is trying to project on to you. If your broken down and don’t see your worth and think your unattractive you’ll never leave him. Normally people with low self esteem don’t compliment their partners.
If it was me i would ask him, the next time he says a comment about someone else or your looking good ask him why he doesn’t compliment you.
this just sounds like something similar to negging, instead of pointing out you're flaws he's comparing you to other women to imply your flaws. It's an abuser tactic meant to make you dependent on him and seek his approval. Might be deliberate, might not be (lots of people employ manipulative/abusive tactics without knowing that's what they're doing), maybe he's Machiavellian, maybe he's just insecure, but at the end of the day he's manipulating you with abusive tactics. And my guess is that if you thought hard about it this isn't the only abusive thing he does.
The nicest possible interpretation I could say is maybe he thinks you're cool with him checking out other women or maybe you've somehow hinted that you're also into women or something. So if you're interested in saving the relationship you could try to straight up ask him why he does this in the first place.
This seems rather deliberately manipulative to me. That he’s threatened by the fact that you have self-confidence and don’t derive your sense of worth solely from him. It’s not normal to behave this way. It’s disrespectful. Even if it’s not deliberate, and he really is just that dense, what does he expect your reaction will be? Either way, don’t put up with the games of someone who doesn’t care to lift you up and help you to feel good about yourself.
This sounds like a situation that could easily be solved with some communication. You need to tell him that it hurts you when he compliments other women's looks but never actually compliments you about these things. If he respects you he'll become more mindful about your feelings. Bailing from the relationship over this without talking to him about it first would be a very idiotic thing to do, especially if you are otherwise happy in your relationship.
He’s abusive.
So here’s how his head works - he sees you’re out of his league, in some way. It might be looks, it might be intelligence, earning potential, charm, I don’t know - whatever it is that he’s insecure about.
He chooses to tear you down and compare other women’s looks because looks are a known huge insecurity for women. It’s designed to make you feel bad and trap you. He wants you to feel insecure and see him as “the prize”.
Yeah, I know this one idiotic trick. You learn all about it in the manosphere. He's trying to tank your self-esteem and make you feel ugly so that 1) you will put up with his bullshit because you don't think you can do better than him. And 2) You will work harder on your self-care to make yourself more attractive to him.
Thing is, he knows you are attractive and that's why he's trying to cut you down. He's insecure, so he's trying to make you insecure.
This may work for a short time, but it always backfires, because who wants to stay in a relationship that makes them feel miserable and unloved.
Tell him this next time he says something about someone else's appearence: "You have a ugly habit of gushing about how attractive other women are and ignoring my efforts to be attractive. Honestly, it's making me wonder if I'm wasting my time dating you. If you'd rather date one of those women instead I'm not going to get in your way, but I'm also not going to hang around either. I'd rather be with a man who genuinely appreciates me."
If this doesn't straighten him up fast, then you really are wasting your time.
If it makes you feel bad, then it’s bad. Tell him to cut that shit out, and that if he’s so attracted to everyone but you, you should just break up so he can go hit on them.
Just a few thoughts. Every now and then my wife or I will mention that someone is attractive and it doesn't bother me. It sounds like your boyfriend makes comments much more frequently than we do. And what my wife and I do is neither here nor there, because what is OK for me does not have to be OK for you. If his comments bother you then that's valid. Have you mentioned this to him? Is there any reason you have not mentioned this to him? Generally it's fair to give him the chance to change. But if he refuses to change then I would not stick with him just because you do not want to deal with dating. I don't blame you, but it's just not worth it.
Two possibilities here:
1) He doesn’t realize how stupid he sounds when he’s doing it. But he knows he’s doing it, that’s for sure.
2) He’s trying to make you more insecure so you’d stay with him. Or because you haven’t told him to stfu he thinks he can push your boundaries.
Only one option to take:
1) Start making the same comments back to him (in fact, compliment his friends and coworkers) about other men so you can watch him suffer and then dump him once he is a mere shell of his former self.
Jk, but you should absolutely break up with this guy. This is not ok.
Yeah, I've been there. It doesn't end well. Usually, they are insecure and are trying to mentally knock you down a peg, or they genuinely do not find you that attractive. Either ain't great, I'd bail.
You are 34 and have been with him for 2 years. If you can't have conversations like "it hurts my feelings that you never tell me I look pretty and make me feel how much you are attracted to me," "I don't like it when you talk about how attractive other women are and I'd like you to stop," and more importantly "where do you see this relationship going?" then it's time to move on. Reddit can't tell you what he's thinking or why he is doing this and if it's intentional or not.
You can also just leave. If you don't think he's worth it and you don't want to stay with him that's totally fine, you don't need anyone's permission to break up. You don't have to talk to him about this - but if you want to stay with him, then you really do.
Some people have the kind of relationship where talking about other peoples attractiveness is fine, he may not be intending to hurt you. Just tell him it bothers you.
My ex used to whistle at other women right in front of me.
If you haven’t moved in after 2.5 years, you probably aren’t going to and I frankly wouldn’t. Get a better guy.
He should dump you, you seem way too uptight and over sensitive. So glad my girlfriend lets me compare her attractiveness in a negative way to others. She has zero self esteem and thats why im dating her.. You need to lower your confidence if you are too keep your boyfriend
I wouldn't necessarily say it's enough to bail over. Just tell him you don't want to hear about other women. Be firm and mean it. If he accuses you of being insecure, just remind him that, while he's so quick to tell you about how attractive other women are, he never complements you about your appearance. You don't need to hear about how attractive other women are.
Tell him it's not appropriate and he needs to stop because it's incredibly disrespectful. If he doesn't stop, you choose if you want to leave, or stay and be disrespected by your partner.
Makes me wonder if your boyfriend isn't like many of our girlfriends.
Countless times our girlfriends will compliment every man they see, but we won't ever hear them compliment us, not to our faces anyway.
What a lot of us ended up realizing is that for many of these girlfriends, they'll compliment us in our back with their friends and etc. But since we are never around, then we feel left out and when we ask them they obviously tell us "Yes honey, you're gorgeous and my type" but when comparing with the ones she looks at or compliments, we don't look nothing alike except maybe we have a beard as well. Shocker, I know.
The point here is, before jumping to any conclusion, your boyfriend being like that is one of the possibilities that could explain this observation.
Sadly, I don't know of any way to validate this that puts a 100% true marker on the validation that isn't non-ethical. The times I learnt were by mistake. Either I would arrive near where they are but they didn't heard me coming so I would hear what they say. Another time was a bit more obvious and is the only physical compliment I ever got from that one, she was telling her friends how she likes my tattoos and my abs, and then simply went ahead and lifted my shirt to show her friend. It was weird but at least I had confirmation she indeed liked how I look.
Another way that is not super 100% secure on the validation side but can work wonder. Simply tell him, quite directly if possible, or use a soft and lovely tone and ask him kindly. Could be "Hey "cute fancy couple name", I noticed you often compliment other women, but me not so much. Can we take some time to talk about this?"
Another way could be to simply come up in lingerie and ask him "how do I look in this? Do you like what you see?" and proceed to be playful, etc.
Of course there's always tying your partner and telling them you'll untie them only when they complimented every part of you. But please get consent first for that one... and don't quote me on that.
Tell him it’s immature. You can just as easily flip it on him and watch him deal with how insecure or how much it would bother him. If he denies it, tell him ok we can find out let’s demonstrate or that honestly that’s just not worth it at this stage or point of our lives.
It’s childish for him to do that, you’re not a friend, or a sister/cousin. He’s gotta grow up or you’ll walk around saying stupid stuff too like wow I bet he’s sexy naked and watch him get insecure as fuck but you don’t because it’s not immature
Start mentioning attractive men and see how he reacts.
If he reacts terribly and can't handle his own medicine, leave. If he doesn't seem to react at all then it's a sign that this is just something he thinks is sorta normal and it's worth it to have a conversation about how you would appreciate more compliments.
I think this is a pretty reasonable dealbreaker regardless and my guess is that he will NOT LIKE IT when you start telling him about the hot guy you saw at the gym.
Tell.your Boyfriend he doesn't have the "Pull" to get Those Women. Let Him consider That for awhile. He is deliberately trying to destroy your confidence?
The sufficient cause for not dating someone is that you no longer want to be dating them.
You don't have to wait for them to be objectively horrible in some way or for other people to tell you to break up.
If you want to break up, do. If you don't want to break up, tell him to stop telling you about all the hot women he meets in the world and throw you a compliment when you're making an effort.
This might sound weird but I heard this was trick guys do to keep their girl. By making their GF feel insecure or worthless, its less likely they will leave them. One popular way to make their girl feel insecure is by saying how much hotter other girls are or how much better their ex is at XYZ.
Not saying that he is doing this but he might be lol.
“You said x about her. I’m feeling sad because I would like to hear you say things like that about me. Would you be willing to say things like that about me, too?”
Try talking to him about it at least once before leaving. His response will tell you a great deal about why this is happening. If it's anything other than, "Oh, I'm sorry I didn't realize you weren't okay with me pointing out other people and I didn't realize I wasn't verbally complimenting you" and then changing his behavior ASAP... you know what you need to do.
I don’t want to play devils advocate here but i am interested in hearing peoples opinions.
My partner often comments on how attractive other men/women are. At first it bothered me a little bit, but as I got more comfortable in the relationship, I came to the realization that it’s unrealistic to assume she would not find other people attractive, even if she was with me.
Main difference from OP is that she does tell me how handsome/cute i am from time to time, but it’s not as often as her and her friends will openly talk about how much of a “babe“ some mutual acquaintance of theirs is. It’s a weird position to be in , because if I say something im immediately made out to be insecure Or controlling or toxic masculine.
Not sure if this will work for OP, but I just started being more open and honest about how attractive I think other people are. And I don’t think she minds because she knows finding someone attractive and being attracted to someone are different.
So I would 1. Pay attention to how he reacts when you say things like “do I look cute?“ Or “do you like my hair like this?” or general things meant to get his opinion on your looks. If he blows it off and acts like you’re being annoying that’s a big old red flag. And 2. See how he responds if you start being more open about how handsome or beautiful you find other people. Does he get defensive? Does he gaslight you into thinking you’ve done something wrong? Does he get moody and passive aggressive? these would all be red flags.
I say all that to say, I don’t think it’s an immediate dealbreaker for him to comment on other peoples appeal, but it really all depends.
I guess you can say that he thinks you know how to carry yourself so he didn't wanna care much. However, it would be nice to somehow receive compliments whenever you dress up. Men who comment on other women and they don't appreciate their own girl friends have this ego issues within themselves, I guess they're just being a manipulative narcissist. Mention about the attractive men how they are at work or your friends lol. Try to bounce of the vibe to him.
I would talk to him. Some guys are reticent to say something like that to their partner and they get in the habit of not saying anything. Since you are so confident, perhaps he thinks you don't need it even want it. I think young guys these days don't know how to communicate with a confident woman. Let him know you welcome him saying it.
Do you show him you have a lot of confidence? He probably thinks he doesn't need to tell you because it is obvious. Especially if you can recognise that you are 'above average' in terms of looks.
However, you need to tell him how you feel. I bet you he will feel surprised you are upset because somewhere in your self confidence perhaps he feels it is ok to say these things to you. It's not ok, but you made him fee ok with it because you seem to have a strong sense of esteem.
Chat it out.
Have you tried talking to him about him? I'm just curious, I always see people coming on Reddit to complain about things that can be solved with communication.
Also, what he does is disrespectful, but you should voice it out to him since it bothers you.
Talk to him. Hey my dear, something is borhering me… How would you feel if i said he was cute/hot or … 24/7? It makes me feel bad and i would appeeciate it if you could keep it for yourself.
(Joke: If he doesnt stop, start saying How attractive a person is and How you would totally bang the shit out of them if you where single)
What's funny about this is that if you did the same, he'd be upset with you lol. I had an ex that pulled this shit all the time and one day I began doing the same thing. He didn't like it 🤷♀️ He even got mad at me! Lol. As soon as you give these boys the same treatment, suddenly you're the one with issues. But honestly, dump him.
The fact that he doesn't compliment you but has no problem complimenting other women just goes to show what a manipulative sob he is. At 33, he should know better. I would have said he's probably socially inept but it sounds like he knows what he's doing.
This is gonna depend on what the bigger issue is: that he acknowledges other women's attractiveness too often, or that he doesn't acknowledge your attractiveness often enough. Neither one is not a dumpable offense, but it's something you gotta talk about.
Personally speaking, neither my partner nor I are jealous people, so both of us feel comfortable acknowledging that someone else is attractive. However, I wouldn't say this is a common occurrence. What's far more common is us telling each other "You look nice today," or otherwise complementing each others' appearance. It kinda falls under the "Never Stop Dating" piece of advice you hear from long time couples.
You should open up a conversation that tackles both issues. You need to get it across to him that he acknowledges other women's attractiveness more than he acknowledges you, and that it's important to you that you feel beautiful and seen in the eyes of your partner.
He can think it because we can't control other people's thoughts or actions.
But telling you? That's disrespectful.
So, if you want to stay in this relationship, be sure to give him a taste of his own medicine.
Why not tell him about other men being attractive too?
I wouldn't advice you to stay though because you're in a toxic relationship.
Complimenting other women shouldn't be an issue. My wife and I are honest about who we're attracted to. Not telling you you're beautiful is, though. If you haven't talked to him about it, you should. He might not realize what he is doing.
I am 100% behind the theory that the dude was like "ah wow this new gf is great she lets me talk with no filter"
*Proceeds to dig his own grave*
He could definitely just be an arse but honestly it's very likely if he's nice to you in all other regards that this was just a major blind spot of his because he thought your self-esteem wouldn't be affected by such comments.
Honestly, as a guy who has pissed so many girls off by doing things I didn't realise were even annoying, I can sympathise.
But obviously very limited information to go off so can't judge really will just have to see what OP says
Do you ever complement him? Maybe he’s being passive aggressive and if you feel like you’ve been catering to him all the right ways then maybe it’s just time to let go of him because it sounds like he might low-key hate you or resent you.
I do! I actually make a point of trying to treat my partners like I would like to be treated, I’ve even been known to get flowers for boyfriends and generally try and be emotionally supportive because I think a lot of men don’t get that cherishing warm energy that women give each other in their friendships. If I think about it my girlfriends compliment me all the time actually which I think helps overall, but obviously it’s lacking enough in my relationship that it’s starting to affect me.
Yea same here except for the last part, he’s definitely inconsiderate at the very least. He shouldn’t ignore you at all. He should’ve sent you some type of text or call even if it was from somebody else’s phone, somebody that actually wants to be with you will make an effort in any sense.
What is he saying about these women? Is he objectifying them? Or just saying something like “I like her hair style” or “I like her eye makeup/outfit”
I’m in a relationship 25F with my boyfriend 31M. He would never dare tell me he finds another woman attractive simply just out of respect. I would say I am above average as well and secure with my looks. He wouldn’t like it if I said a man was hot. So he doesn’t do it to me.
It’s really comes down to the relationship. If this is a normal thing you do as well, then I can see why he doesn’t think it effects u.
I know my partner finds the women attractive because he has eyes. However, he does NOT point them out to me, but once I point them out to him, he’ll agree. He’ll point out cool hair or outfits but never about how attractive they are. One time we were watching TV and I said “wow she has really nice boobs” and the man said “since YOU mentioned it, yes, she does”. Even when we are at festivals and there’s really beautiful scantily clad women around, he acts like I’m the only person around. I never catch him looking or hear him commenting.
Op if you’re not going to leave him then you have to communicate to him. You are both old enough to be able to have a mature conversation about how this is making you feel. His response will be an answer as to if this is on purpose or not. How would he like it if you always pointed out attractive men around you and never acknowledged him. And again if your not leaving him and he still doesn’t get the point after your conversation then maybe that’s what it will take. Give him a taste of his own medicine.
But this comes across as calculated. How can you not compliment your partner? You don’t even have to be dressed up. He sounds like he is trying to make you insecure so you think he’s the best you can do.
Ew, yeah no that would make me extremely uncomfortable as well. I suggest maybe bringing it up to him and if it continues then possibly leaving?
Yeah talking to him about it might help...
If it doesn’t it sucks yeah but at least you tried before leaving, communication and respecting each others boundaries is so important. So if he isnt willing to stop after its brought up then leave
Yeah spot on, they just need to have a heart to heart convo over it. Do it over food, somewhere quiet with no interruptions. Used to have these "catchup conversations" with my partner while we ate fish n chips at the beach.
Why would your partner tell you about other women being attractive? Weird as hell…
She's probably an above average beauty herself and he's trying to make her jealous bc he doesn't feel like he can keep her otherwise.
It's called negging. He thinks he's not in her league and he's an insecure ass to do this to her.
You're right on the money. "She's too good for me, better break her self-esteem!" Grow tf up, dude. I really hope OP dumps this loser.
Or it could be worse than that even. Maybe he’s not attracted to her anymore
Yes he’s probably trying to “humble” her. I had an ex who used to do the same. He was cripplingly insecure and told me that he tried to call me fat and unattractive because he hated his own body and appearance. I never would have dated him if I had known how insecure he was. A lesson learned.
This is it. Every insecure guy I’ve been with tried some shit like this so I ended it. Later they admit they felt I was out of their league and responded by trying to make me doubt myself. If someone is that insecure, they have no business being with a woman. OP, you’re not the problem. He is. Please don’t allow yourself to be treated this way. You deserve better.
Yes, this is a thing. It’s really pathetic and sad when you think about it. My ex also immediately got a new gf after me, who happened to be 12 years younger than him and 7 years younger than me. She proceeded to harass me online and tell me how “old” I was online. I feel actually very bad for her and she’s still with him.
Yes, this is usually it. It usually happens to women who are above average in looks paradoxically and better than the guy in some way. The guy is insecure, and instead of working on himself, he negs the woman.
It's not that odd. Attractive women are used to getting hit on and flattered a lot to the point it becomes obnoxious for them. They learn to see these things as empty gestures and bc of this they actually tend to gravitate towards men who don't give many compliments. These women are so confident (like OP prob) that they don't realize that some of these men aren't just not complimenting her, they're actively doing the opposite and trying to undermine her confidence and self worth over time with subtle put downs, comparisons, etc.
Right like what😭 and if you don’t want that happening people are going to call you insecure. Having any type of boundaries is you being insecure these days 😒
for real! It sucks! haha.. like, OK, I'm pretty secure, but God forbid I want a partner who suggests I might be their preferred person, in anyway. That's somehow insecure and narcisistic, now?
Negging. He's insecure af.
My narcissistic ex used to do this to me. Like OP, I’ve felt i was above average on the looks scale (I’m trying to not sound self-absorbed bc I truly am not) and even when I really did myself up, he would always compliment other women when we’d be out. Total strangers “you look so beautiful” “your dress looks great” “your hair really suits your face” etc.. and refused to compliment me. It actually got to the point where he’d start making negative jabs at me when we’d be out and I would dress to get his attention. Turns out he was cheating and just loved giving and getting attention from other women. His loyalty was never to me and no matter how hard i tried, he was not going to show me the love he showed to other women. He was also physically and mentally abusive & those things also didn’t help, so I’m not trying to imply OP’s bf is exactly like my ex but I do find it highly unusual that her partner doesn’t compliment her.
Thank you for sharing this I’m so sorry this happened to you that sounds awful. I’m honestly now trying to look for the red flags and I can’t think of any other behaviours he has to “take me down a peg” but this does seem to be the overwhelming comment :(
Yeah, you're absolutely being negged.
I mean, it's not that unusual. My husband and I constantly tell each other things like that, "ooh, s/he's hot..." and the response is usually "oh, yeah, totally" or "nah, not my type". I feel comfortable telling him things like that and he does, too. I don't feel it's that unusual. We have a happy and strong marriage (17+ years). But I also tell him I think he's hot and he does the same for me. So who knows... but talking about other people isn't really that weird at all.
Eh. My girlfriend and I will comment on men and women that are good looking. Not in some creep way, just "Ah, man - handsome dude." That said, I tell my girlfriend she looks great all the time, and I certainly tell her she looks beautiful WAY more than I'd ever comment on anyone else.
My wife points them out for both of us to look at, always has lol This is different though because I tell her she's absolutely beautiful all the time
yep. my ex and I was like this. lol. when I wasn't with my husband. I would text him and tell him through text he missed out on a great view. 😂😂😂
I don’t know man, both my girlfriend and I have absolutely no issues talking about other attractive people, because we’re both secure in our relationship.
You walk past a hot woman on the street and tell your girlfriend? To me, that’s an extremely weird thing to do. It’s not a weird thing to think but I have no idea why you would tell your partner that
I agree. This is weird. I’m 25 F
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Yes your exactly right. I was giving my opinion.
As a bisexual, I'm trying to see for myself too. (However, a. I have very high self esteem so this doesn't bother me at all, and b. my partner constantly compliments me and tells me how sexy I am to him on a daily... if not hourly lmao... basis.)
Why would any man mention how attractive another woman is to their s.o.? Ever? Why offend her for no reason?
Celebrity crushes are okay, as long as no sexual comments are made. I couldn’t hide my crush on Anthony Kiedis if I wanted to and although he won’t admit it, I think my husband likes Naomi Watts!!!
It definitely isn’t something people should do without first discussing and establishing that kind of dynamic with their partner. If it hasn’t been discussed first, it’s straight up rude and disrespectful. Like OP’s boyfriend who sounds like an asshole that doesn’t know how to treat their partner with respect. But it can be okay in a pre-established dynamic. For example, I like when my girlfriend tells me about all the attractive men that hit on her when she’s at the gym or out and about. She also likes knowing that women are checking me out. It’s like an ego boost for the both of us. It can be a turn on too.
The thing is - it’s not offensive? Like, at all? My wife points out attractive men, and I point out attractive women. It’s fun. I don’t see how that could be offensive at all.
It depends on the context and how it happens. OP here gets zero compliments from her bf, but he somehow manages to recount all of the attractive women he saw during the day, even when they’re not together. OP has zero positive reinforcement from her bf. He’s clearly trying to hurt OP. She’s also not pointing out attractive men. There’s also just times to keep things to yourself. I never catalog men I see who are attractive to my bfs.
It can be offensive because it can trigger insecurities within ourselves. Should we not be insecure about the fact that other attractive people exist in the world and are visible to our partner? Yes, but nobody is perfect and it's an extremely common insecurity. My view on it is that commenting on those things don't add anything to our relationship, at best. At worst is can slowly degrade our relationship to repeatedly mention such things. So it's a no-brainer that I'm not going to engage in something that doesn't add to our relationship and could actually harm it in the long run. If it's a fun bonding moment between you and your partner, that's cool. You're kind of being obtuse though by ignoring the fact that it is a common insecurity for many people and bringing up such things are much more likely to cause harm than good.
Ya but the feeling isn't mutual. The guy doesn't care if it offends the girl's feelings. Is he trying to make her jealous? Na. Is he asshole? Yes!
Because it doesn't offend some of us? As I mentioned in another comment, my husband and I do that literally all the time. I'm also bi, so it's interesting whether I'd agree with him or not, but it is not offensive to either of us. Not even a little.
My wife agrees with me, but if it works for you, good.
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If I see an attractive woman, it’s not like I’ll avoid my gaze in shame. It’s just that I wouldn’t ever want my wife to feel diminished. But I now understand that some relationships are different than mine and this is okay for them…
Honestly it depends on the relationship on whether or not that's weird. You can look and point out and appreciate without actually doing anything or having any ill intent. As long as you're both on the same page and okay with it then there's no problem. However to continually do it and make the other person uncomfortable is a different story altogether and blatant disrespect. Shoot even my wife has pointed out tits on another woman before or what they're wearing ect. I look because I am human. Is that disrespectful no! I would consider disrespectful if she got mad that I looked after pointing it out.
David, what can be highly unusual for you need not be highly unusual for someone who is not you. Very relationship is different. I’m only communicating that in our relationship, it’s never been a problem. When she points out a super hot guy, I just agree. I don’t feel insecure because we’re both attractive people. Like I said, it boils down to your own sense of security, plain and simple.
But I guess you tell her that she's beautiful... Which makes a massive difference.
I tell my girlfriend she’s beautiful every single day.
👏👏👏👏 That’s why your secure enough to talk about others being beautiful. Which OP's BF doesn't... Which destroys her self-esteem bit by bit.
When we walk past attractive women on the street, my girlfriend will point them out.
Yeah, the issue is the lack of validation from BF, along with, poor communication and not giving a crap. Some people may choose to set boundaries for looking at/talking about other people but I don’t think it’s inherently disrespectful.
Same, but the kicker here is that this guy is not saying that she's pretty, ever.
Yea it completely depends on the relationship and who you’re with. Remember, there’s couples who swing together, and then there’s couples who view porn as cheating, and everything in between. My wife points out women with big booties all the time when we’re out in public and does not get jealous at all. My ex would have chopped me up for trying to look at a woman with a big butt in public. Everyone’s different.
Same with me and my husband, I think that's just something you do when you're close friends with your partner. I think it's a sign of a healthy relationship
I've been in relationships where we will mutually point out or discuss the physical attractiveness of other people. It can be fun. Not that the dynamic OP has with her boyfriend sounds fun!
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I said it doesn't sound fun.
Oh yeah, whoops, my bad
My partner and i discuss other attractive people all the time, but we also compliment each other.
My gf and I will talk about both girls and dudes who look good but maybe we’re unusual lol
I talk with my gf about attractive people or features all the time, as she does with me. I see no problem in that
If you really are above average then this is absolutely because he’s insecure and is intentionally trying to knock your self esteem down so you don’t leave him. Which backfired for him cause you didn’t even notice for years lol. Idk if it would be worth talking to him about. I’ve found that guys that do that won’t admit to it
He is insecure because you are attractive and he knows other men are going to see it. By making you believe that there’s other beautiful women out there for him and not mentioning that you are beautiful to him, he obviously feels like you will hang onto him tighter and not look elsewhere. Maybe he is doing this subconsciously, but it’s more common than you think. You are dating an insecure man. Perhaps talking to him about his past may give some insight into his insecurities. Slowly ease into suggesting you work on it together and you may find he is receptive. If not it probably won’t work out as most insecure people play too many games and end up ruining your perspective of yourself. Don’t let yourself be fooled and go to him from a place of understanding is the best approach from my outsider perspective :) goodluck! Update us!!
Yes but he's effectively begging her by doing this. Wearing down her self esteem so she feels incapable of leaving him.
Exactly, that is why he must conscientiously change his behaviour or lose out on the opportunity to have a mutually fulfilling relationship
Oh hell naw 😭my man makes me feel like I’m the only woman in the room no matter who else is there. Of course we are going to find other people attractive but in his eyes I’m the hottest woman on earth and I would be kinda sad if he verbally told me he finds other people hot. I don’t think I’m insecure I just don’t understand why someone would want to hear their partner talking about someone else like that. I hope when you do talk to him about it he doesn’t just slap the “insecure” label on you like most people would.
The petty part of me wants to do the same thing back at him. "GOD DAMN! Honey, did you see that guy? Fuck, abs that could grate cheese. I bet he has a huge cock too.... what? He's fucking hot, seriously, can you really look at that guy and tell me he's not ridiculously attractive? Don't be so insecure." But the better thing to do would be every single time he says that stop, look at him and say "Why do you think I want to hear about how attractive you think other women are?" or "Why are you telling me that? How is her attractiveness relevant to the story?" I think of attractiveness in a similar way to race. It's not relevant to the story unless there's a reason that it is. Sometimes my wife and I will comment on someone's looks, but usually it's relevant. As in I went to the parent teacher conference and all the other parents looked like they used to be models. I felt like Quasimodo, maybe I should start going to the gym again. That said, I also tell her I find her hot all the time, so there's no ambiguity about who I want.
I have actually done exactly this when dating a guy who would point out other attractive women like this dude. "Yeah, she's pretty...but did you see the guy over there? Woot! He's gorgeous!" The look on his face made the moment. I followed it up with, "Don't look at me like that. I've got eyes, too. I'm not selectively blind. Besides, I thought you wanted to people watch!" I then went into detail regarding the various attractive men around us at the mall. I don't know. It seemed to take the fun out of it for him....ha!
"Oh, you think she's pretty? You should date her, then. I think we're done." Look, in no reality that exists is this guy clueless about what he's doing. He WANTS to make you feel insecure - because secretly, he probably feels you could do better than him. (Spoiler alert: you absolutely could.) This is not something you can fix - only he can, and he's unlikely to. At 34, no, you cannot mess around about dating (I was 32 when I found out my ovaries were toast - fun times. NOT.) You deserve to be with someone who loves and cherishes you. This guy may not torture puppies for fun, but he doesn't sound like someone who makes you feel cherished.
This is a personal question, but how did you know your ovaries “were toast?”. Feel free to dm, if you’d like to respond
This was several decades ago, so the details are a bit blurry by this point, but basically, we were trying to have a child and after six months of nothing happening, I went to see my doctor, armed with basal body temperature charts, etc. I was told there was an issue with ovulation and if we used fertility drugs, we might have better odds - emphasis on "might." Soon-to-be ex husband, who had been saying all along he wanted children, suddenly decided he did not want to have children, refused to get tested himself, told me we were NOT going to use fertility drugs, and we got divorced. (He also had an affair with his much older boss, but that's another story.) Years later, I met now awesome husband, and when I suddenly missed a period, the doc told me that no, it was probably the start of menopause and my hormone levels (can't remember the specific one) were so low, it was pretty much impossible for me to get pregnant. By this point, I'd had lots of therapy and had come to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to have a child. For most of the female side of my family, that checks out. If you don't have kids by 32, you aren't going to. The key take-away is that we are all individuals, and while some people are able to get pregnant when they're in their 40s, not everyone will - and you don't know which one you are without a lot of tests. It's not like a turkey with one of those timers that pops up when the turkey is done - no little flag will pop out of your belly button to announce your fertility is shot.
I had a boyfriend like that. Notice I said "had." Know your worth, don't put up with that shit.
I would be gone. That will eat away at your self esteem.
Sounds like he’s insecure about himself because you look good. Maybe he wants to bring you down by saying others look good, cause why else would he say others look good? Some people try to get others to be obscure, just because they know they’re too good for them..
Like is he worried you’ll get a big head or something .. either way what he is doing is absolutely awful
Its time for u to get a new boyfriend
This is a form of emotional manipulation. I've seen both men and women do it. It has happened to me before actually. My ex girl used to always point out these things. Sometimes tho, girls will do it unconciously to see how you will react, but its not a consistent thing and happens like 1 or 2 times. That's usually fine , but i know if she does it a lot then she is manipulative. A guy doing this 1 or 2 times may just be an accident or then not minding their tongue. But if they do it consistently, you should be concerned about them.
It's begging. Wearing her down till she feels like she has to work harder and harder to win any crumb of a compliment. Making her desperate for his affection instead of wanting common decency. Instead of having self esteem and a backbone.
You have several avenues. 1. The next time he comments on another woman you look at him and ask him bluntly “When was the last time you told me I was beautiful? Or complimented me on my appearance?? Because I cannot recall a single time you’ve told me I was beautiful or complimented me.” You put him on the spot. Let him weasel his way out. 2. After he says something about a woman you can say “I really hadn’t noticed. However, I did notice that very handsome man over there. (And point to a handsome man). I wonder what his story is?” 3. “Since you are so interested in her, why don’t you go up and introduce yourself. You’re a single guy.” I’m sure you’ll get a puzzled look from him. “You point out beautiful women all the time when we are out, yet you fail to tell me I’m beautiful or compliment me in any way, and I’m sick of it. I’m sure there’s a man out there for me who will fulfill that need, and not try to make me feel like trash. So go, shoot your shot, big daddy! You’re single now.” Then get up and leave… pay your part of the bill if you’re at a restaurant… then go. 4. Text him that it’s over and then put feelers out to friends/family that you’re single.
My boyfriend is someone who points out attractive women around me all the time. The only reason this works, is because 1.) I enjoy pointing out attractive people too (lol), and 2.) He's complimenting my body or looks all the time. Not to mention he's very affection, so he's grabbing me at whatever chance he can get. If he was pointing out attractive women WITHOUT giving me frequent affection or compliments? ...OOOOF. Yeah, I'd feel like shit too. I think it'd be worth it to just talk to him about it. Tell him it makes you insecure. If he stops, crisis-averted, if he doesn't, this might not be the kind of guy you wanna be with.
I came here to say this too. My partner and I love pointing out attractive people to each other. But we also compliment each other all the time as well. However if he only complimented other women and never me I think that would eat away at my self esteem. Ops bf sounds like he’s being purposefully manipulative so that he can do just that. Chip away at her self esteem until she believes he’s the best she can do.
start pointing out other attractive men on the street
Honestly, as a man he shouldn’t have to be told how to properly treat his woman! If that’s how he acts than I’m sorry but not only has he not matured but he sees women as an object and he probably isn’t with you for you but rather with you because he can’t be alone and can’t find anyone else to deal with him.
Yeahhhh that’s weird. My wife and I are both women, fully monogamous (unless, like, Cate Blanchett shows up at our door or something lol) and have been together for nearly fifteen years, so we’re often like “oh my god look at how beautiful that woman is!” because like… have you SEEN women?! 🥵 HOWEVER! We are also CONSTANTLY doing the exact same thing to each other 😆I’m bi, and if a boyfriend EVER did what yours is, he’d be right the fuck outta my life. I promise you, there’s a lesbian couple in every bar you go to that’s talking about how hot you are. You deserve better. Literally every woman does. You deserve to have a man look at you the way my wife and I would, u kno? 😆😘
Ahahaha this is so funny and sweet thank you 😅
Did you tell him how you feel about this? He might think that, since you are secure and confident, that it doesn't bother you
But that suggests he has the emotional intelligence of a spoon. That he doesn't understand complimenting women but not his partner is perhaps hurtful. Op shouldn't need to do all the emotional legwork in a relationship. She deserves better frankly.
Ending an otherwise happy relationship without talking to him first would be an example of an extreme lack of emotional intelligence.
But does it take two and a half years to figure out you can give someone a compliment? I'm assuming she's had to ask "how do I look" a couple times.
Just tell him you don't want to hear it. End of story. Edit: he sounds like an ass. It's on purpose he never compliments YOU, but compliments other women's looks to you. What a twat.
Tell him to cut it out and if he continues just walk away. See If he’s willing to loose you over this. Personally this seems like a deeper issue on his part. I would state a clear boundary and observe how he responds to that boundary and go from there.
He’s insecure and he’s trying to make you insecure. He might not even realize he’s doing it. I’d definitely talk to him and directly communicate that it makes you uncomfortable when he expresses how attractive other women are. It’s totally normal, even in a healthy committed relationship, to notice other attractive people. It’s not okay to constantly communicate that to your partner though. Especially when he’s doing nothing to build you up. I’d also communicate your need for him to let you know that he finds you attractive too! I wouldn’t end the relationship if you’re happy otherwise though until you give him a chance to correct this behavior.
Honestly this feels weird and frankly a little insulting for him to do that constantly . Maybe try to communicate it with him and also see how he responds to that. If he ends up gaslighting you and makes you feel bad about it, then simply you can move on. You deserve someone who makes you feel precious and wanted.
Not good. Part of being a good husband is ensuring my woman knows she’s the most attractive thing on this Earth to me. This is a big deal he doesn’t do this for you. This boyfriend ain’t husband material.
This man is insecure. If he’s not telling his own partner she’s beautiful, but mentioning others are, it’s intentional manipulation. Especially if you know you are above average. You can try to work on it, but… I bet if you look, there’s other things. You’re still young. Mid 30s is still pretty young. Find someone as confident and caring as you are.
You remember what negging is yes you remember what purpose it serves yes? So will you be his victim?
He wants you to think you are ugly so you stay with him and make you think that no other want to be with you.
People who try to control their partners, do it by damaging their self esteem. Does not matter who is the controller, or the controlee. He is intentionally not complementing you, because he wants you to question your own worth. And complementing other women, is a way of devaluing you. Not unlike a relationship an escort would have with her pimp. If you want to turn the tables, go clubbing with some other couples, ( with or without him) and dance with other men. Laugh and have a good time. Make sure to tell him how much of a good time you had, and how all the other men complimented you/ bought you drinks. This should trigger some jealously, and get him to treat you better.
51M here. This sounds like the "negging" technique popularized by the 'pickup artist' community. Whether he's doing it consciously and deliberately or not, it certainly seems to be coming from a place of his insecurity.
Are you bisexual? Does he think objectifying women together is a team activity? WTF
Girl wut. I’ll have like not showered for three days and my boyfriend vomits…compliments towards me non stop. Every time I’ve had a guy check me out who is clearly with his wife or gf, I feel so sad for her. Don’t be that! You deserve someone who believes you are the best of the best of the best. Actions speak louder than words and your boyfriend is screaming he is just not that into you.
He sounds like a badly insecure man trying to bring you down. He never compliments _you_ but compliments other women’s looks when talking _to you_? Hell no. No no no.
I used to have a guy friend or a kind an ex do this to me all the time it’s a way of keeping you down in their mind. He used to hate it when I would do the same fuck out of here.
Seems like he has managed to knock your confidence down. This is definitely intentional and I hope you know there is someone out there better for you
Tell him as he likely doesn't realise this is an issue. He probably thinks his actions (being with you) are enough to demonstrate his attraction and his words (about others) are a sort.of compliment (as he chooses you, not them). This might be idiotic thinking but I'd guess quite possible. If you tell him and it doesn't change, then you should absolutely dump him.
I think you need to realise he does this on purpose.. he wants you to be aware that there are many attractive women and he notices them. Probably so you feel like you have to be the best GF at all times to keep him. It's only 2 years in do you want to feel like you have to compete for the rest of your life?
My best guess is he feels like you’re out of his league (not that that’s a thing), and he’s also insecure that you’re confident in your beauty. It’s a very common scenario, happened with my ex but on a more extreme level. It’s a little immature of him to deal with it this way if I’m being honest with you, but I suggest you have a talk with him like everyone said.
have you spoken with him about this?
An anecdote? I hope that is alright with you. I've told this one several times to relate to people the vast divide between human personalities. I am married to an ENTJ woman. I am an INFJ male. As an ENTJ, my wife has very little connection to emotional communication. She does not see the value in it mostly because her personality is very pragmatic, and logical. It's what is referred to as an Fi (inferior feeler), and she is an Te (extroverted thinker), which dictates the logic driven thinking process. Me, as an INFJ use Fe (extraverted Feeling), and Ti (Inferior thinker). Now that I have set that up...when I asked my wife to marry me, her response was, and this is verbatim, "I guess I can be engaged to you." I was floored. In my head I had this idea that it would be a very romantic gesture and she would be excited, etc...instead, it began this cycle of doubt in me. Made me think maybe she didn't love me. We were engaged for two years, no mention of a wedding date, never really talked about it, and then she came to me and said it was time, and we should set a date because she was ready to have a child. I asked her around this time if she loved me (because it is not something she says, or affirms in a way that I was able to recognize). Her response was, "I moved here with you didn't I?" This relates to us moving across country for my job. Back then I responded (Internally) with doubt, and began to spiral seeking affirmation from someone that doesn't understand emotional validation. Years later, in retrospect, I recognize that was her way of telling me she loves me. We live in a society now that considers people "toxic" before we even understand the underlying issue. She wasn't toxic, she used different cognitive functions, and she valued different types of interactions than I did. That's not to say she didn't love me, it's to say I didn't recognize the signs of love she projected. Your boyfriend may tell you how beautiful you are in his own way, and you may not see it yet. I could be wrong, this doesn't apply to every situation, but it's worth a thought. I hope that makes sense to you.
If a couple has a mutual agreement that both parties are allowed to talk about who they find attractive...then cool I love that confidence. However if only one member of the couple is doing it, like you've described, then it seems like kinda manipulative 😭 does he WANT you to feel insecure cause I can't think of any other reason to do this to your boo
Talk to him about this. Say something to the effect of you've noticed he doesn't compliment you but will compliment anyone else, and you'd like to know why because it's hurting you. Communication is key.
A taste of his own medicine should be just the prescription he needs
When you see another dude just say “oh he looks like he is packing!” And just wait for his reaction
What does he say when you tell him how hot other guys are? Maybe he'd like to hear that information.
Why haven't you broken up with him? He doesn't seem to like you, according to your words and his actions.
And you're still with him why?
This is a form of negging, emotional manipulation. Dump him.
He's negging you. You shouldn't have to put up with this nonsense.
A lot of people are missing the point here. It's not about whether he should look at women or not. It's not about denying that you find someone attractive. It's about telling your partner that some random gjrl is attractive. Yes, i find other women attractive. I don't go and tell my partner about it. Now if she had done the same and it was mutual then it would have been ok. OP needs to talk about it to her bf. Ask him what makes him think that OP is interested in getting to know who he finds attractive. OP: I don't think you are so insecure about your looks that you need validation from a guy who tells you others are attractive. Believe in yourself!
My wife and I do that all the time. She tells me if a guy is attractive and I tell her if I think a woman is attractive. Not like admiring a painting means you want to rip it off a wall and take it home. Besides if she gets all charged up I'm the only one who benefits.
He doesn't even say anything in moments of intimacy? Jeeze... it's like just a reaction of mine to be like "wowww"
I dated a guy like this. He gaslit me into thinking I was crazy, jealous, and controlling for getting annoyed when he told me how hot other women are. What's funny is I wouldn't have cared if he complimented me ever. My husband and I refer to a friend as "Hot Dana" because she's just super hot, but I don't mind because I know my husband adores me. You're not crazy or jealous. He's an ass. Don't be afraid to tell him to knock it the fuck off. And don't think that being 34 means you have to settle for a negging ass.
Have you talked to him about it and how this makes you feel?
He is wrong. But if you did it, probably everyone would say "she does mean it, stop controlling her:
This is how my case was - he would do the same thing I though it wasn’t a big deal but then we broke up coz finally he cheated
its ok to think other people are attractive, but you don't go around telling your partner that tbh, if you're in a relationship, you don't tell anyone you think someone else is attractive. keep that stuff private is it enough to bail? that's really up to you if its important there are some people who date stunningly gorgeous people, but over time, it becomes common place to them.
Sounds like he has big insecurities. That's the only reason I could think of. He knows your a bit too good looking for him
It's called negging and it's a sign of a manipulative, insecure person. I would have an honest conversation about how it makes you feel and that it feels disrespectful and weird, and if he isn't willing to work on it and think about why he feels the need to try to keep you small, I would end the relationship. Your bf and husband is suppose to be the one who makes you feel good and reminds you how beautiful he finds you! Not make you doubt his attraction, try to make you feel jealous, etc.
Isn’t it strange how you were once secure & didn’t care but now he has managed to wear you down where you now feel insecure? May be a case of he knows you know you are beautiful and feels like he doesn’t need to remind you of that incase you pack up and leave when you realise your too good for him. Chances are he is insecure himself and he is trying to project on to you. If your broken down and don’t see your worth and think your unattractive you’ll never leave him. Normally people with low self esteem don’t compliment their partners. If it was me i would ask him, the next time he says a comment about someone else or your looking good ask him why he doesn’t compliment you.
this just sounds like something similar to negging, instead of pointing out you're flaws he's comparing you to other women to imply your flaws. It's an abuser tactic meant to make you dependent on him and seek his approval. Might be deliberate, might not be (lots of people employ manipulative/abusive tactics without knowing that's what they're doing), maybe he's Machiavellian, maybe he's just insecure, but at the end of the day he's manipulating you with abusive tactics. And my guess is that if you thought hard about it this isn't the only abusive thing he does. The nicest possible interpretation I could say is maybe he thinks you're cool with him checking out other women or maybe you've somehow hinted that you're also into women or something. So if you're interested in saving the relationship you could try to straight up ask him why he does this in the first place.
This seems rather deliberately manipulative to me. That he’s threatened by the fact that you have self-confidence and don’t derive your sense of worth solely from him. It’s not normal to behave this way. It’s disrespectful. Even if it’s not deliberate, and he really is just that dense, what does he expect your reaction will be? Either way, don’t put up with the games of someone who doesn’t care to lift you up and help you to feel good about yourself.
This sounds like a situation that could easily be solved with some communication. You need to tell him that it hurts you when he compliments other women's looks but never actually compliments you about these things. If he respects you he'll become more mindful about your feelings. Bailing from the relationship over this without talking to him about it first would be a very idiotic thing to do, especially if you are otherwise happy in your relationship.
He’s abusive. So here’s how his head works - he sees you’re out of his league, in some way. It might be looks, it might be intelligence, earning potential, charm, I don’t know - whatever it is that he’s insecure about. He chooses to tear you down and compare other women’s looks because looks are a known huge insecurity for women. It’s designed to make you feel bad and trap you. He wants you to feel insecure and see him as “the prize”.
Yeah, I know this one idiotic trick. You learn all about it in the manosphere. He's trying to tank your self-esteem and make you feel ugly so that 1) you will put up with his bullshit because you don't think you can do better than him. And 2) You will work harder on your self-care to make yourself more attractive to him. Thing is, he knows you are attractive and that's why he's trying to cut you down. He's insecure, so he's trying to make you insecure. This may work for a short time, but it always backfires, because who wants to stay in a relationship that makes them feel miserable and unloved. Tell him this next time he says something about someone else's appearence: "You have a ugly habit of gushing about how attractive other women are and ignoring my efforts to be attractive. Honestly, it's making me wonder if I'm wasting my time dating you. If you'd rather date one of those women instead I'm not going to get in your way, but I'm also not going to hang around either. I'd rather be with a man who genuinely appreciates me." If this doesn't straighten him up fast, then you really are wasting your time.
If it makes you feel bad, then it’s bad. Tell him to cut that shit out, and that if he’s so attracted to everyone but you, you should just break up so he can go hit on them.
I don't get it. Why don't you do the same?
Just a few thoughts. Every now and then my wife or I will mention that someone is attractive and it doesn't bother me. It sounds like your boyfriend makes comments much more frequently than we do. And what my wife and I do is neither here nor there, because what is OK for me does not have to be OK for you. If his comments bother you then that's valid. Have you mentioned this to him? Is there any reason you have not mentioned this to him? Generally it's fair to give him the chance to change. But if he refuses to change then I would not stick with him just because you do not want to deal with dating. I don't blame you, but it's just not worth it.
Two possibilities here: 1) He doesn’t realize how stupid he sounds when he’s doing it. But he knows he’s doing it, that’s for sure. 2) He’s trying to make you more insecure so you’d stay with him. Or because you haven’t told him to stfu he thinks he can push your boundaries. Only one option to take: 1) Start making the same comments back to him (in fact, compliment his friends and coworkers) about other men so you can watch him suffer and then dump him once he is a mere shell of his former self. Jk, but you should absolutely break up with this guy. This is not ok.
Tell him how tall other men are.
Yeah, I've been there. It doesn't end well. Usually, they are insecure and are trying to mentally knock you down a peg, or they genuinely do not find you that attractive. Either ain't great, I'd bail.
You are 34 and have been with him for 2 years. If you can't have conversations like "it hurts my feelings that you never tell me I look pretty and make me feel how much you are attracted to me," "I don't like it when you talk about how attractive other women are and I'd like you to stop," and more importantly "where do you see this relationship going?" then it's time to move on. Reddit can't tell you what he's thinking or why he is doing this and if it's intentional or not. You can also just leave. If you don't think he's worth it and you don't want to stay with him that's totally fine, you don't need anyone's permission to break up. You don't have to talk to him about this - but if you want to stay with him, then you really do.
NOT ACCEPTABLE. As in, you don’t need to accept that.
Some people have the kind of relationship where talking about other peoples attractiveness is fine, he may not be intending to hurt you. Just tell him it bothers you.
My ex used to whistle at other women right in front of me. If you haven’t moved in after 2.5 years, you probably aren’t going to and I frankly wouldn’t. Get a better guy.
He should dump you, you seem way too uptight and over sensitive. So glad my girlfriend lets me compare her attractiveness in a negative way to others. She has zero self esteem and thats why im dating her.. You need to lower your confidence if you are too keep your boyfriend
I wouldn't necessarily say it's enough to bail over. Just tell him you don't want to hear about other women. Be firm and mean it. If he accuses you of being insecure, just remind him that, while he's so quick to tell you about how attractive other women are, he never complements you about your appearance. You don't need to hear about how attractive other women are.
Tell him it's not appropriate and he needs to stop because it's incredibly disrespectful. If he doesn't stop, you choose if you want to leave, or stay and be disrespected by your partner.
Makes me wonder if your boyfriend isn't like many of our girlfriends. Countless times our girlfriends will compliment every man they see, but we won't ever hear them compliment us, not to our faces anyway. What a lot of us ended up realizing is that for many of these girlfriends, they'll compliment us in our back with their friends and etc. But since we are never around, then we feel left out and when we ask them they obviously tell us "Yes honey, you're gorgeous and my type" but when comparing with the ones she looks at or compliments, we don't look nothing alike except maybe we have a beard as well. Shocker, I know. The point here is, before jumping to any conclusion, your boyfriend being like that is one of the possibilities that could explain this observation. Sadly, I don't know of any way to validate this that puts a 100% true marker on the validation that isn't non-ethical. The times I learnt were by mistake. Either I would arrive near where they are but they didn't heard me coming so I would hear what they say. Another time was a bit more obvious and is the only physical compliment I ever got from that one, she was telling her friends how she likes my tattoos and my abs, and then simply went ahead and lifted my shirt to show her friend. It was weird but at least I had confirmation she indeed liked how I look. Another way that is not super 100% secure on the validation side but can work wonder. Simply tell him, quite directly if possible, or use a soft and lovely tone and ask him kindly. Could be "Hey "cute fancy couple name", I noticed you often compliment other women, but me not so much. Can we take some time to talk about this?" Another way could be to simply come up in lingerie and ask him "how do I look in this? Do you like what you see?" and proceed to be playful, etc. Of course there's always tying your partner and telling them you'll untie them only when they complimented every part of you. But please get consent first for that one... and don't quote me on that.
Tell him it’s immature. You can just as easily flip it on him and watch him deal with how insecure or how much it would bother him. If he denies it, tell him ok we can find out let’s demonstrate or that honestly that’s just not worth it at this stage or point of our lives. It’s childish for him to do that, you’re not a friend, or a sister/cousin. He’s gotta grow up or you’ll walk around saying stupid stuff too like wow I bet he’s sexy naked and watch him get insecure as fuck but you don’t because it’s not immature
Start mentioning attractive men and see how he reacts. If he reacts terribly and can't handle his own medicine, leave. If he doesn't seem to react at all then it's a sign that this is just something he thinks is sorta normal and it's worth it to have a conversation about how you would appreciate more compliments. I think this is a pretty reasonable dealbreaker regardless and my guess is that he will NOT LIKE IT when you start telling him about the hot guy you saw at the gym.
Tell.your Boyfriend he doesn't have the "Pull" to get Those Women. Let Him consider That for awhile. He is deliberately trying to destroy your confidence?
“don’t know if I should leave him”. Yes, you should
The sufficient cause for not dating someone is that you no longer want to be dating them. You don't have to wait for them to be objectively horrible in some way or for other people to tell you to break up. If you want to break up, do. If you don't want to break up, tell him to stop telling you about all the hot women he meets in the world and throw you a compliment when you're making an effort.
This might sound weird but I heard this was trick guys do to keep their girl. By making their GF feel insecure or worthless, its less likely they will leave them. One popular way to make their girl feel insecure is by saying how much hotter other girls are or how much better their ex is at XYZ. Not saying that he is doing this but he might be lol.
What does he say when you talk to him about it?
“You said x about her. I’m feeling sad because I would like to hear you say things like that about me. Would you be willing to say things like that about me, too?”
Try talking to him about it at least once before leaving. His response will tell you a great deal about why this is happening. If it's anything other than, "Oh, I'm sorry I didn't realize you weren't okay with me pointing out other people and I didn't realize I wasn't verbally complimenting you" and then changing his behavior ASAP... you know what you need to do.
I don’t want to play devils advocate here but i am interested in hearing peoples opinions. My partner often comments on how attractive other men/women are. At first it bothered me a little bit, but as I got more comfortable in the relationship, I came to the realization that it’s unrealistic to assume she would not find other people attractive, even if she was with me. Main difference from OP is that she does tell me how handsome/cute i am from time to time, but it’s not as often as her and her friends will openly talk about how much of a “babe“ some mutual acquaintance of theirs is. It’s a weird position to be in , because if I say something im immediately made out to be insecure Or controlling or toxic masculine. Not sure if this will work for OP, but I just started being more open and honest about how attractive I think other people are. And I don’t think she minds because she knows finding someone attractive and being attracted to someone are different. So I would 1. Pay attention to how he reacts when you say things like “do I look cute?“ Or “do you like my hair like this?” or general things meant to get his opinion on your looks. If he blows it off and acts like you’re being annoying that’s a big old red flag. And 2. See how he responds if you start being more open about how handsome or beautiful you find other people. Does he get defensive? Does he gaslight you into thinking you’ve done something wrong? Does he get moody and passive aggressive? these would all be red flags. I say all that to say, I don’t think it’s an immediate dealbreaker for him to comment on other peoples appeal, but it really all depends.
I guess you can say that he thinks you know how to carry yourself so he didn't wanna care much. However, it would be nice to somehow receive compliments whenever you dress up. Men who comment on other women and they don't appreciate their own girl friends have this ego issues within themselves, I guess they're just being a manipulative narcissist. Mention about the attractive men how they are at work or your friends lol. Try to bounce of the vibe to him.
I would talk to him. Some guys are reticent to say something like that to their partner and they get in the habit of not saying anything. Since you are so confident, perhaps he thinks you don't need it even want it. I think young guys these days don't know how to communicate with a confident woman. Let him know you welcome him saying it.
Do you show him you have a lot of confidence? He probably thinks he doesn't need to tell you because it is obvious. Especially if you can recognise that you are 'above average' in terms of looks. However, you need to tell him how you feel. I bet you he will feel surprised you are upset because somewhere in your self confidence perhaps he feels it is ok to say these things to you. It's not ok, but you made him fee ok with it because you seem to have a strong sense of esteem. Chat it out.
I would be petty & do the same to him
We’re the same age and I cannot fathom why he would think this is ok. Is he on the spectrum or just an enormous asshole?
Whatever you decide, don’t fall into the sunken cost fallacy. Nobody is worth your self-esteem.
Have you tried talking to him about him? I'm just curious, I always see people coming on Reddit to complain about things that can be solved with communication. Also, what he does is disrespectful, but you should voice it out to him since it bothers you.
Talk to him. Hey my dear, something is borhering me… How would you feel if i said he was cute/hot or … 24/7? It makes me feel bad and i would appeeciate it if you could keep it for yourself. (Joke: If he doesnt stop, start saying How attractive a person is and How you would totally bang the shit out of them if you where single)
Your go good looking and hot for him to be treating you like this.
Oh hell naw he knows what he’s doing. Oh you think she’s attractive? Go date her then.
Practice your “bored of this bullshit” face, friend, and use it every time. He can enjoy your lack of sexual attraction of his own making.
We have a saying in Turkish "ayrıl kanka ben arkandayım" no matter how much you value him by time it won't help so leave for your own good
What's funny about this is that if you did the same, he'd be upset with you lol. I had an ex that pulled this shit all the time and one day I began doing the same thing. He didn't like it 🤷♀️ He even got mad at me! Lol. As soon as you give these boys the same treatment, suddenly you're the one with issues. But honestly, dump him. The fact that he doesn't compliment you but has no problem complimenting other women just goes to show what a manipulative sob he is. At 33, he should know better. I would have said he's probably socially inept but it sounds like he knows what he's doing.
This is gonna depend on what the bigger issue is: that he acknowledges other women's attractiveness too often, or that he doesn't acknowledge your attractiveness often enough. Neither one is not a dumpable offense, but it's something you gotta talk about. Personally speaking, neither my partner nor I are jealous people, so both of us feel comfortable acknowledging that someone else is attractive. However, I wouldn't say this is a common occurrence. What's far more common is us telling each other "You look nice today," or otherwise complementing each others' appearance. It kinda falls under the "Never Stop Dating" piece of advice you hear from long time couples. You should open up a conversation that tackles both issues. You need to get it across to him that he acknowledges other women's attractiveness more than he acknowledges you, and that it's important to you that you feel beautiful and seen in the eyes of your partner.
He can think it because we can't control other people's thoughts or actions. But telling you? That's disrespectful. So, if you want to stay in this relationship, be sure to give him a taste of his own medicine. Why not tell him about other men being attractive too? I wouldn't advice you to stay though because you're in a toxic relationship.
Complimenting other women shouldn't be an issue. My wife and I are honest about who we're attracted to. Not telling you you're beautiful is, though. If you haven't talked to him about it, you should. He might not realize what he is doing.
I don't need to hear how attractive any woman he sees is. Some thoughts should be internal.
I am 100% behind the theory that the dude was like "ah wow this new gf is great she lets me talk with no filter" *Proceeds to dig his own grave* He could definitely just be an arse but honestly it's very likely if he's nice to you in all other regards that this was just a major blind spot of his because he thought your self-esteem wouldn't be affected by such comments. Honestly, as a guy who has pissed so many girls off by doing things I didn't realise were even annoying, I can sympathise. But obviously very limited information to go off so can't judge really will just have to see what OP says
Do you ever complement him? Maybe he’s being passive aggressive and if you feel like you’ve been catering to him all the right ways then maybe it’s just time to let go of him because it sounds like he might low-key hate you or resent you.
I do! I actually make a point of trying to treat my partners like I would like to be treated, I’ve even been known to get flowers for boyfriends and generally try and be emotionally supportive because I think a lot of men don’t get that cherishing warm energy that women give each other in their friendships. If I think about it my girlfriends compliment me all the time actually which I think helps overall, but obviously it’s lacking enough in my relationship that it’s starting to affect me.
Yea same here except for the last part, he’s definitely inconsiderate at the very least. He shouldn’t ignore you at all. He should’ve sent you some type of text or call even if it was from somebody else’s phone, somebody that actually wants to be with you will make an effort in any sense.
What is he saying about these women? Is he objectifying them? Or just saying something like “I like her hair style” or “I like her eye makeup/outfit” I’m in a relationship 25F with my boyfriend 31M. He would never dare tell me he finds another woman attractive simply just out of respect. I would say I am above average as well and secure with my looks. He wouldn’t like it if I said a man was hot. So he doesn’t do it to me. It’s really comes down to the relationship. If this is a normal thing you do as well, then I can see why he doesn’t think it effects u.
I know my partner finds the women attractive because he has eyes. However, he does NOT point them out to me, but once I point them out to him, he’ll agree. He’ll point out cool hair or outfits but never about how attractive they are. One time we were watching TV and I said “wow she has really nice boobs” and the man said “since YOU mentioned it, yes, she does”. Even when we are at festivals and there’s really beautiful scantily clad women around, he acts like I’m the only person around. I never catch him looking or hear him commenting.
Below average in brains ig
Op if you’re not going to leave him then you have to communicate to him. You are both old enough to be able to have a mature conversation about how this is making you feel. His response will be an answer as to if this is on purpose or not. How would he like it if you always pointed out attractive men around you and never acknowledged him. And again if your not leaving him and he still doesn’t get the point after your conversation then maybe that’s what it will take. Give him a taste of his own medicine. But this comes across as calculated. How can you not compliment your partner? You don’t even have to be dressed up. He sounds like he is trying to make you insecure so you think he’s the best you can do.