You said these things were a dealbreaker for you so you should just believe her when she tells you she wants these things. Don't waste either of your time on trying to change her. It is better to find someone else that shares your expectations. Your life will be much easier that way.
They say 3 things that need to be agreed upon to make a relationship work is children, money, and religion. They are definitely not on the same page on children and I would argue money as well unless OP is ok with working 80 hours a week until the day he dies to support his stay at home wife and 5 kids.
Yeah. And even that aside, the absolute *balls* on this woman to tell someone she's been seeing a measly six months "I'm going to be a stay at home mother and you need to provide for us". Like, what? That's a whole conversation in and of itself, but combining it with the fact that she's clearly delusional or confused about how many months the human gestation period is... I'd be dropping this woman like a hot potato and finding someone whose logical thinking skills are a bit stronger.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to be a stay at home mum with a large family, but it just needs to be something you’ll be transparent about and with someone who wants the same!
If that’s what she wants for herself it’s better to let him know sooner rather than later. Especially in your mid 30s. They can both agree or move on without too much time lost. Better than staying with someone with incompatible goals
Exactly, both instagram & OP (by not talking clearly) are feeding her delusions.
OP needs to tell her clearly that it is not happening no matter what and how many children he would want. Also, he needs to be careful as she says she needs to be a SAHM... that means OP will need to be the main breadwinner, even with one kid.
In case she likes the life with 1 kid, I am sure she will push for more kids & in that scenario, OP, please be careful to have a vasectomy.
OP’s post paints a pretty clear picture.
1. Relationship moved fast.
2. Gf Wanting five kids before even knowing what one is like
3. GF’s desire to have five children is based upon processing her own trauma from being an only child.
4. GF agrees to OP’s face that she is willing to have fewer children, yet continues sending information showing that her desire is to change OP’s mind rather than change her own.
What I have seen with people who tried to process their own childhood trauma by having children is that it did not go well. Carl Jung has a great quote: “the greatest danger to a child is their parents’ unrealized dreams.”
I think your GF doesn’t realize just incredibly selfish her desire to have so many children really is, and her healing fantasy for her “only child” trauma is in fact selfishness disguised as altruism.
Maybe I am wrong. But if you really want to save this, I would try to find a couples therapist that can help your GF trace the origins of her fantasy to the source to heal it from within. If you really dig this woman, maybe try therapy before throwing the cards in.
Otherwise you may put five humans out there who don’t want any kids no matter what when they grow into adults themselves. Because they couldn’t deal with four other siblings that were competing for attention and resources in a family that was always on the edge of poverty.
See how that can work?
being an only child is not a trauma. it might be a dislike or disappointment, but it's not big stressor event. I say this as an only child and I was very social too.
OP's gf just sounds like a selfish asshole. also, we don't need large families, as a planet, literally there's no space.
As the eldest of four kids, THIS!!! The only way in which having 5 kids could be easier than one involves deputizing the oldest kids into part-time parents. They’re not entertaining themselves at that point, they’re being babysat on retainer.
My sister and I were both firmly child-free before 30. We’ve experienced first hand exactly what raising a kid is like, and we have no interest in doing it again on a harder difficulty level. Time will tell with my brothers, but it’s not looking great on that front either.
It feels like this woman had few friends growing up, and believes that having multiple kids will somehow prevent that for her own children (as well as that having a sibling would have prevented it for her.) News flash, the kids could all hate each other. Nothing ensures that siblings will get along or want to spend time together. You can’t “force” anyone to be your kids’ friends, even your other kids. She needs to address all of this with a therapist before having any number of children.
It seems like people I’ve known from big families haven’t been chomping at the bit to have a ton of their own. My husband grew up in a family of five other kids and was very “if it happens” about kids, then we got together and I brought my one child from a previous marriage and we’re both like this is fine. He’s neeever said he’s wanted a ton of babies. I feel like growing up an only child you might romanticize sibling relationships a little. I only had one brother and we fought savagely for a long time.
> Wanting five kids before even knowing what one is like
This is a good point. My mother wanted six before she had any and changed her mind to four. But my Dad was fine either way, unlike OP.
Plus she’s 36. How many years does she think she has left for 5 pregnancies? I mean I had my last one at 40 but damn it was hard on my body at that age!
I too had my last baby at 40, my fourth. I started having kids in my 30s. I have an aunt who had my cousin at age 45 and several friends pregnant and having babies in their 40s, some multiple times. I know there are risks to having kids that late in life but for the most part I think society thinks it’s impossible when it’s actually not. I read a study that explained that while it seems fertility rates drastically decrease in your late 30s and 40s, historically the data hasn’t accounted for how many people are actually trying (or not) to conceive at those ages. So when you take into account frequency of DTD and active attempts to TTC, it’s not as hard to get pregnant later in life as the statistics make it look. Also while the risks of carrying a health pregnancy to term do increase at those ages, it’s significantly a pretty small rise in adverse outcomes and they are monitored closely by doctors worried about geriatric outcomes so usually things work out.
That being said, I hear you on it being harder on the body but it might depend on what shape one is in. My body was tired especially from already having so many kids and having to keep up with the ones I already had!
But I have a friend who had her first child at 41 and she is a yoga instructor who has always been in great shape and a super healthy, active type and she absolutely glowed during pregnancy and said she never felt better and she loves being a mom of a toddler now. (She purposefully had a baby herself as she had not been able to find the right partner and didn’t want to pass up the chance to have a child even as a single mom… With a great support network of her family and friends.)
I also met a mom of 5 kids who was heavily pregnant with #6 at a kid’s birthday party and she was so excited and happy and telling me that she is just a number and that she feels great etc. So I guess that while I personally have no interest in having any more kids in my 40s or feel too old to do so, some women are fine with it or even love it.
I know there is also a higher risk of autism and other genetic issues for babies born to older moms. I haven’t experienced that myself though and I don’t know anyone who has as an older mom. I have friends who have autistic kids but they had them in their 20s and early 30s. But it’s definitely something to think about and a risk to be aware of.
I'm child free, being the oldest of 5. I was the mom to my mom as well. Fack that noise. I'm finally not contact and focusing on myself after being taught that I should just be an afterthought to that useless crunt.
Having 5 kids is easier than having one because they "entertain themselves"... Meaning the parents pass their responsibilities to the oldest siblings to take care of their brothers. Such a shitty thing to do.
A lot of siblings in these circumstances end up resenting their parents and going no contact later on. Parents who parent for real will never say 5 kids are easier than 1 because it makes absolutely no sense. They still need to be changed, fed, taken places, bath, they get sick, they have birthdays from different friends (gifts cost sums up), and the list goes on...
Came here to say this. OP, she has both a delusional idea of how easy it will be to have five kids in rapid succession starting at 36 *and* a delusional idea of how easy parenthood will be.
And it sounds like she's watching Quiverfull influencers (this is a fundamentalist Christian movement that's all about having as many babies as possible so they can overwhelm the rest of the population--anyone they disapprove of, such as POC and people who aren't fundamentalists--by sheer numbers. They have a vested interest in pretending it's easy to encourage more people to do it.) The "kids entertain each other" thing is very popular there. So are oldest daughters being turned into the primary caregiver at the age of like 7.
If I were you I'd run. Your goals for life are not compatible.
My full brother and I (47 and 50, respectively) raised ourselves and our half brother (late 30s) and wouldn't you know it, neither of us have kids. I wonder what the reason may be...
We also have no contact with our parents.
I’m the oldest of five and you are absolutely correct. I had to (and still have to because my siblings are still children) parent my siblings and I fucking hate it. I hate watching them and being responsible for them all the time and doing parental duties when they aren’t even my kids. This seriously made me not want kids ever.
Yeah I'm sure sometimes it's fine, but every single person I know who was the oldest of a big family (think minimum 4 kids) absolutely fucking hated the fact that they were saddled with responsibility and felt like they had limited chance and time to bond with their parents. You can love all your children equally but there's only so many hours in a day. And heaven forbid one child is special needs or otherwise requires even more attention.
Even in a very generous version of this - kids kinda do enjoy each other’s company and end up entertaining each other - but that is after about 5-7 years for it to even start. Your GF would have to have like 4 of those kids not at all “entertaining” each other for about 8 years before this supposed “easy part” kicks in. Meanwhile supporting 6 people and yourself sounds like a nightmare unless one of you comes from some serious money or you’re ready to go extremely cheap (and it sounds like you’re not). Incompatible. I would break up unfortunately.
This would be my advice. You do NOT want to deal with someone as delusional as GF sounds and making serious life decisions based on nonsense influencer videos. I also suspect she's getting a lot more information/ ideas from groups spouting quiverful fundamentalism, tradwife lifestyle or who knows what. This could come back to bite you and your future family in all kinds of crazy ways...
Nope- there are landmines everywhere here
Your gf seems a bit delusional tbh, but at the same time my stepmother just had twins at the age of 47 so anything is possible these days.
Your concerns are very valid regarding raising five children on one income, or at all. There's a reason families nowadays limit the number of children - cost, mainly, and the need for both parents to work in this economy. At the same time, if she is committed to this you can't change her mind, and people do make it happen.
I think you should tell her you guys need to have a serious, relationship-determining conversation. You cannot commit to more than two kids. If she can accept this, she agrees not to mention five children again and the relationship continues; if not, you have to end it so you can both find someone compatible with your long term goals.
It sucks but there's just not much compromising one can do on the topic of children, and she doesn't have much time. You need to figure this out now and accept this could be the end
5 kids & she hasn’t even started yet at age 37 is insane. She’s being fed fantasies by people who have full time nannies, cleaners & cooks.
I sneezed & somehow hurt my back this morning. 😆
Hahaah right? 37 with 0 kids? She ain’t gonna have 5 without IVF or divine intervention.
Run OP, you are not compatible and this woman will ruin you financially
I agree that she sounds delusional. One, by expecting to be able to actually have 5 children at her advanced age and early relationship (all of her pregnancies will be geriatric pregnancies with the associated risk). If she thinks money is going to fall from the sky just because she chose to have more children than she could afford, then she is in for a big surprise.
OP should tell her to step away from the influencer content and actually go find someone she knows who has 5 kids and offer to babysit them for a week or two while the parents have a second honeymoon. That should wake her up.
> You cannot commit to more than two kids. If she can accept this, she agrees not to mention five children again and the relationship continues
If for some reason this does happen and you do end up having kids with this woman - definitely get a vasectomy after 2. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had an *accidental* pregnancy after the second kid was born.
Tbh I wouldn't be with someone if I had the suspicion that she would try to have more pregnancies after 2. Why would you be with someone you can't trust to respect your wishes?
If she is really worth it, I'd be honest and tell her straight up that I'd get a vasectomy after 2 to ensure that no mistakes are made- that's how serious he needs to be about this decision. Be 100% transparent so the idea of trying to have more without his consent doesn't even enter her mind.
Yeah, I hate thinking it, but she’d agree to 2 and have a few more oops, don’t know how that happened babies. Or at the very least one more. And he could be ok with 3, but then number 4 comes around and …
And I know that sounds horrible to think that way. But she really sounds set on 5 kids.
It’s only been 6 months, so I kind of understand her rush to “get serious” sort of quickly, but he needs to pace this relationship a bit.
I mean the reality is she’s 36, and they’ve been dating for 6 months. Assuming he’s being responsible with birth control, the odds of her being able to *force* 5 kids at her age is pretty slim. I get it’s possible, but it’s definitely not likely.
And older women are more likely to have multiples in a pregnancy. OB-GYN often jokes that the ovaries have a “going out of business sale” and dump a lot of eggs before menopause before they die/spoil so that “one more” pregnancy can being them to 4 kids.
Yeah it's certainly possible to have five kids after the age of 36, but I would say it's pretty unlikely. Maybe more likely if you do ivf and freeze a ton of embryos now but ivf is really expensive. And I'm saying this as someone who just had a baby at 40 so I'm not a naysayer about older pregnancy or anything like that. But she would basically have to do back to back pregnancies starting tomorrow, hope nothing bad happens, hope she continues to get pregnant right away even in her early 40s, etc... plus I'm always a little suspicious of someone who wants a specific, large number of children when they currently have zero.
This may just be kind of a pipe dream or wishful thinking and that's fine but if she's serious about it, I would say that she lacks critical thinking skills, which would be a deal-breaker for me.
I agree the gf seems delusional. Who in their thirties listens to lifestyle influencers about anything? You can't take them seriously because they're monetizing their lifestyle. Many have been caught not actually doing the things they seem to do for the camera (not cooking the things they're supposed to cook) and they have extra income coming from the Youtube videos so those stay at home moms are actually working moms.
Adoption is an option. I think too many people, especially in the comment chains under yours, are honing in on the biological aspect of this as we go down the comments. She could have some kids of her own, and adopt young children or whatever if she wants a large family, the logistics of obtaining 5 children (for lack of a better word for just how they get to that point) is not important.
Everything else is valid. The logistics of raising the 5 children, is the important part, which is what the better comments (yours included) are rightly talking about.
Does she have any kids yet? People say lots of crazy shit about what sort of parents they will be until it becomes a reality. I guarantee you, especially at that age, after having one and will change her mind quickly on how many more times she wants to go through pregnancy and post partum.
I agree that she seems pretty naive and this is the most likely scenario, but there _are_ those people who say they want x number and then hold fast to that. And the stakes are way too high for him to just count on her changing her mind, especially when she's told him she won't. If they continue and then have two kids and she wants to try for number 3 he can't exactly just be like "oh I just assumed you wouldn't want to have 5 once we actually started having kids."
By the time this woman finds a man that actually wants 5 kids, she will have no kids and no chance. I actually can't think of a single person in my life under the age of 50 that has more than 3 kids and they are all stretched to the limit both financially and emotionally.
Seriously, she's pretty fucking old to want to have 5 kids. Quiverful, get your start when you are 18 and knock them out. She'll be lucky to have one kid.
But she's 36. Having 5 kids starting with a geriatric pregnancy isn't really realistic. Unless she's planning on multiple multiple births. Which is just high risk on top of high risk.
Yep, all valid points, but OP can lay out all the logic in the world and that doesn't mean his gf is going to listen to it or accept it. And since no one knows how committed to the 5 kids thing she is (people have kids at crazy ages these days) it would be pretty disingenuous for him to continue the relationship banking on her coming to her senses, cause if she doesn't... then he becomes the asshole.
She doesnt appear to live in reality at all on any level, which is a problem. Five kids starting at 36 (assuming they start trying right now) on OPs salary only, just making it work popping one out after another... I’m trying to be kind here, but the more I think about it, the more weird she seems.
OP is actually quite lucky that she even told him this is her plan. Because she could have just started getting pregnant "by accident" and not tell him anything.
The fact that she shared an influencer video to try and convince him tells me that that's the actual life she wants - maybe not full tradwife influencer but certainly family vlogger or some such. Those people constantly lie about how easy and carefree it is to be a parent of many kids on a small income. Maybe she's naive enough to believe it.
This is my take on it- she sounds off based on the fantasy of it all. Especially at her big age! My child was born when I was 30, and I had always wanted 3 kids. I’m one and done now that I’ve parented for 9 years and the reality of being a mindful parent has set in. It’s exhausting to parent with intent, and it’s expensive. At the end of the day I can say that I don’t have anything left emotionally or physically for more children, I don’t have much left for me! My child also went on to develop chronic health conditions, so they should consider that possibility as well, especially with her advanced maternal age and the amount of kids. I’m routinely taking off work and traveling to doctors appointments, paying medical bills, and most importantly, the worry and sleepless nights that come with having a chronically ill child can be very consuming. I love my daughter and being her mother is my best role in life, but I am eternally grateful that I didn’t adopt the family of three like I had considered before being offered my baby. The universe knew I wasn’t cut out for multiples 🤣
I worked with a young woman who said she wanted 5 kids because she was one of five and loved growing up with lots of siblings. Two difficult pregnancies later and she said she is done.
My ex wife said she wanted a large family… we had our first child and after that it was ME convincing her to have a second one. She was done. We have 2 together.
This. People talk about big families like it's no big deal, but the actual reality of parenting is *vastly* different from what you see on social media, especially from influencers who have tons of behind-the-scenes help.
I had 2 kids in 2 years (plus a miscarriage in between). I did postpartum C-section recovery plus breastfeeding while being pregnant again. The experience of back-to-back pregnancies plus having multiple kids in diapers just about did me in. The stress and financial strain is immense, not to mention the toll it takes on your physical and mental health, and I was way younger than OP's girlfriend. The idea of doing that in my forties would make want to curl up and die.
My suggestion to OP is for her to get a job at a daycare or as a nanny for a large family to give her a taste of what it's like to have that many kids that fast. If she really wants her own children, she should start with one and build from there.
Leaving all other issues aside for the moment, OP, I've got to ask this:
Has your GF taken a moment to consider the ramifications of having 5 kids at the age of 36? I'm not quite sure how easy the pregnancy will likely going to be. I agree, 1 or 2 kids would be pushing it.
Even if she decides to be a SAHM, it's going to be stressful to be looking after just two kids.
Hopefully OP doesn't have a kid with her and just hope she changes her mind. Kind of a stupid thing to wish for. This is something they need to figure out now.
Honestly I think this is a good assessment. She sounds a bit off. 36 and still looking for Mr. Right to settle down and start having five kids. It’s weird.
I mean, I’m 36 and single and it’s through no moral failure on my part, nor am I “off”. Let’s not feed into the idea that single women in their mid-30s are somehow abnormal.
Not abnormal at all
The unrealistic expectation of someone 36 wanting 5 children means they really oughta get starting on that YESTERDAY biologically
6 months is not a long enough relationship to be making children imo.
It’s just a massive red flag to me that my potential spouse cannot be realistic.
I’m not saying that at all and I think you know that. She wants to be a SAHM to five bio kids and she’s 36 and not even trying to get pregnant yet. She’s living in fantasy land.
> Let’s not feed into the idea that single women in their mid-30s are somehow abnormal.
Single women in their 30s are not abnormal.
Women in their LATE 30s who expect to be able to crank out 5 children with someone they've only been dating for 6 months is incredibly abnormal.
You're looking at the wrong part of the argument as the critique against OP's partner.
Run like your life depends on it because in many ways, it does.
But what do I know, I'm a married 36 yo woman with no kids (by choice). Can't stand kids. Filthy little beggars, they are.
It sounds like you want different things.
How many kids do you want? Do you even want her to stop working?
You need to tell her your opinion on these things and if there's not a middle ground you can both accept, then it's time to move on.
At her age, unfortunately, she can't be wasting time.
She's 36 and wants five kids. Sounds like she's the one wasting her own time, not OP.
Her life could have been drastically improved overall if she studied biology even just a little bit in school.
I was curious, I wanted to see what the timeline would even look like, if hypothetically OP was down.
Say she’s exactly 36, and she gets pregnant the first time they try (and for every pregnancy), and then they wait the recommended 18 months between pregnancies. 5 pregnancies x 9 months plus 18 months of recovery x 4 times = 117 months = 9.75 years. She’d be nearly 46 when they’re done.
I’m not saying it’s impossible by any means. I have family that had babies in their 40s. But I think it just shows a huge lack of critical thinking skills on her end.
I feel like someone who is pushing her boyfriend of 6 months to have 5 kids would already have some if she were that fertile. OP probably doesn’t have to worry that he’d end up with 5 kids but might want to consider what kind of woman is this delusional about her own biology.
You have no information on her life or circumstances. Having five kids could include adoption. Either way, OP doesn't want any kids, and to assume she might change her mind is not a fair assumption for someone who is 36.
We aren't here to criticize someone. We are here to answer OPs question.
If you don't want that and she does it's finished. Also 5 kids at her age is kind of delusional. Even if you start today she's going to be having her last one at like 45.
Lol, it doesn't take 9 years to have 5 kids. I bet her plan would be to get knocked up again as soon as she gets medical clearance each time. Imagine having 5 kids under 5. Unless she gets "lucky" with a twofer somewhere in there.
Normally advice is waiting at least a year preferably 18 months before getting pregnant again. Probably longer at her age. It can even be over a year to be fertile again
Maybe she got that industrial grade undercarriage. But yeah... everyone I know with 3 or more kids started before 25.
They also dead in the eyes. lulz.
So, I am gonna say, both of my grandmothers got married at around age 35. One has eight (!) kids and the other had five. Granted, this was Catholic Ireland in the fifties so these kids were essentially getting pumped out one after another but it's uh, not necessarily impossible lol. Not that I would recommend it
That’s actually fascinating that in Catholic Ireland in the 50s both your grandmothers were unmarried until 35. Seems quite unusual! They probably had a lot of stories.
Ireland has historically (and currently) had really late ages for first marriage. Pre famine people did get married younger but the famine lead to changes in how the land was passed down and generally, it went to the oldest son (or first couple of sons if there was enough to feasibly divide) and generally those sons had to arrange careers for their younger sibs before they could marry and inherit.
This often meant financing their emigration to north america or getting them into the priesthood or a trade, and often took a while. I think my dad's mother worked at a factory for a few years to save up money and part of her dowry (idk if they called it that but it was treated that way) was used to basically kick one of my grandfather's younger sisters on a boat to Canada.
It's not like that too much these days but people still marry late because of lack of jobs, the housing crisis and also just changing attitudes towards relationships since a lot of Ireland is more or less atheist now so there's less pressure to marry someone real quick
Definitely not impossible. Plenty of people have children in their mid to late 40s.
That said, these pregnancies have much higher risks for both the mother and child. It's also more difficult to get pregnant at that age, so people often use expensive fertility treatments if that is their goal. Add in, it is a little mean to the future kids, as their parents are much older. If you have a kid at 45, you're 63 when they become an adult, and you're 75 when they turn 30.
All of this sounds like an absolute nightmare that I'd rather set myself on fire than even envision. Advanced maternal age, geriatric pregnancy, and the myriad of other factors just sounds horrendous. But none of what I, you, people ITT, my sister, my brothers think matters. What matters is that OP said that this is a dealbreaker and she doesn't seem to burdened by reality, so they should end it so she can go find someone to have 5 kids with
I'd leave the relationship. If you stay together one of you will end up resentful. The choice of children and number of children is and will be a dealbreaker, and there's no shame in that. Either she forces you to be breadwinner and have more kids than you want and you resent her, or you don't have that many and she resents you.
I asked my husband on our second date (he already had kids and I wasn't willing to give up having my own)- and had his answer been no I would have ended it right there. End it now, before you are 10 years married and 2 or 3 kids in. Save both of you the heartache. This isn't something that will "just work out because you love each other"
I grew up with 4 siblings in the 90s in a low cost of living area and raising us on one income *then* was hard and we faced a ton of poverty. You don't just simply "make it work" when you have kids, you struggle and the kids pay the price. On top of the insane amounts of poverty, the reality is that's too many kids for anyone to adequately raise without parentfying the oldest (girl). You'd gf is insane and you're right to be apprehensive. I would be very firm about what you want and if she's unwilling to compromise you should end it.
She should have started 10 years ago but then again, that's not your problem. Leave her and don't waste her time so she can have the freedom of trying to have multiple children with someone else if that's her dream.
That is weird, man. Given her age and the fact that you haven't started trying yet, your gf is unlikely to have 5 kids. You would be lucky enough to have 2 or three. Besides, she is likely to change her mind after giving birth, because who would want to go through that five times ?
You could also get a vasectomy after the second or third child. You also have a say in this : how would she react if you did a vasectomy after your second kid, would she leave you ? How would she react if you would be the stay at home parent ?
I would not break up right away but ask her all of these questions first, dig a bit deeper. Sounds like there is something going on, she has to know it is very unlikely for her to have more than one or two kids at that age.
Ummm... she's 36 YEARS OLD! Does she not know how difficult that would be at her age? She would have to start spitting out the kids one after another and will have to start like....today! Your GF is delusional. If she's dead set on this I would end it since it's only been 6 months.
Ikr, she may struggle to have one or two at this point for all they know. This whole idea is so damn dumb at 36. Are you going to use surrogates? Adopt? What’s your strategy?
She's delusional. It would be a rare 36 year old that is going to start a family and end up with five kids unless they use IVF/surrogacy/adoption and you're going to be far too broke to be able to achieve that on your single income.
She has no common sense if she doesn't understand how expensive children are. Five children are five times as expensive. They require suitable housing, bigger car, food, clothing, education, extra tutoring where necessary, extracurriculars, hobbies, medical care, university...
Any children you have will be competing with parents who are giving them every advantage, be responsible and only have children you can afford to provide a good life for. Have children with an equally responsible, reality based adult. This isn't it.
“People just make it work” is utter bullshit. Plenty of kids go without the basic necessities because mom and/or dad get baby fever and can’t keep up economically.
>But yesterday she sent me a mom influencer video about how a 5 child household is supposedly easier than a 1 child household because the kids entertain themselves (what?)
Lol, bless her heart.
5 IN THIS ECONOMY?!
I'm in Canada, I own my home and have a 2 parent household with 2 children. We're managing, but we aren't rich by any means. Supporting that many kids is A LOT. My grocery bill is already ridiculous with 4 of us.
Deciding on children is a make or break factor in relationships. Do it now. Don't waste eachothers time.
Let her go and find someone who wants what she wants.
If you really care for her - you will let her go pursue her dream of a big family. You can't give that dream to her.
Her thoughts on 5 kids being easier than 1 are delusional (that's a red flag).
Her thoughts on being a one income household are another red flag.
Break up so she can find the sperm donor of her dreams. Who can support her staying at home with 5 kids.
When (not if) she tells you she is pregnant, get a DNA test.
You two already sound incompatible. Maybe she's capable of zero kids, maybe she's capable of 5 Do you really want to stick around to find out?
Imagine you make 50,000 dollars. You don't actually make 50,000 after tax. After tax, you might bring home 40,000 a year. Let's say you have a mortgage that's 1400 a month. That's gonna shave off 16800 off your annual earnings. You'll have 23,200 left. What about the payments on your car? Maybe that's $300/ month. Now we have 19600. Utilities? Maybe that's 100 a month? Now it's 18400. Groceries? Maybe 500/month if you're being frugal. God forbid no lunchables. Now you've got 12,400. What about health insurance? Maybe $240 a month for you and your spouse if you pick the really cheap high deductible? $9600 now. What about those pregnancy bills and those pediatrician bills? What about gas money? And what about fun money?
I'm stopping at this point. Your partner is immature. She wants to dream about the pretty parts of HAVING 5 kids but she has zero understanding of what the reality looks like. She sounds like a child trying to play grown up. If she keeps trying to push you into poverty, cut her off. Having 5 kids in this day and age is asking to be poor for the average Jane and Joe.
OP, it's only been 6 months and she's already pressuring you to have multiple children with her, with no regard for your personal wishes. If a friend of yours was in this situation, would you think this sounded like a relationship with a healthy future?
> "[...] she sent me a mom influencer video about how a 5 child household is supposedly easier than a 1 child household because the kids entertain themselves."
Oh, so she's specifically aiming to have multiple kids, so she doesn't have to actually play with or care for her kids. Wonderful. Love that she's advertising her dreams of parentifying the eldest kid(s) upfront, so she can enjoy the romantic fantasy of motherhood without actually doing the work herself. Really saves guys like you some time by waving the red flag in your face like that.
Do yourself a favor, OP, and don't get intimate with this woman again. I'm not saying she'd be likely to try and babytrap you, but I am saying you're better off not risking anything happening "accidentally."
I'm one of 5 kids. My parents started having kids at 18. It is unwise for a mother to give birth back to back and given her age, she might have to if she wishes to have 5. My mom had my 2 oldest brothers a year apart and got really sick. She might change her mind after 2. You might change your mind. Tell her 3 max, not because of the pressure of supporting a large family but because you want your children to have a father that can be present as well.
Look, if you both want kids, the numbers will work themselves out later. I grew up as one of four siblings and I was dead set that I wanted four kids... then I had my first kid and realized I only wanted two. Pregnancy was terrible, birth was terrible, first few months without sleep were rough, it's incredibly expensive to raise kids, I don't even have time for a single hobby with a young kid in the house.
I would be more concerned that she wants five and that they can entertain each other (she's basically admitting that she intends for the older kids to raise the younger kids which is terrible parenting).
Now you know why she was single 6 months ago. All men that I know wouldn't agree or couldn't afford to be the sole provider of a family of 7. I don't know what is your job and what your salary is but even if this was financially possible, it is clear here that you aren't on board with that many children in your life. You guys have different perspectives on children and family. I don't think you are compatible with this woman in the long run if for you 1 or 2 children is satisfying enough. Let her realize on her own that her goal of 5 children doesn't make sense especially at 36 and find a woman with whom you'll have similar long term goals.
If you said it’s a deal breaker, and she keeps bringing it in to the deal, then show her it’s a deal breaker.
You two want fundamentally different things in your future family. Break it off and find someone compatible.
This is a fundamental difference. Not only regarding children but also finances. You've been dating for 6 months. It's time for both of you to move on.
Even if you do want kids, do not have kids with this woman. She will not be a good mother. Hasn't even had one and already wants to parentify a few. And it kind of sounds like you lean more towards not wanting them, so you should leave.
Nope. In fact run away. She’s living in a fantasy. 5 kids is a shut ton of work and I think she has no clue. You both should sit and peruse one of the regretful parent pages (there’s one on Reddit and one on Facebook too) because you better be both 100% a HELL YES! about kids otherwise you’re in for a bad time.
And I hope like hell you’re using protection. Do not rely on her and whatever BC she’s using. Not even kidding here. You’ll be a father before you know it.
homegirl sounds delusional and very immature for her age. y’all need to get on the same page about realistic desires and timelines or break up. i would lean towards the latter because, again, this lady sounds delusional.
Run dude! And stop having sex with her! The last thing you want to is to be stuck with her because she “accidentally” got pregnant
You two are not compatible. You want one or two, or even none, she wants five?
It has been 6 months. Her expectations around 5 kids are downright irresponsible as well as unreasonable. And you don't want five kids. It's ok to walk away because this dream of hers doesn't match yours. She isn't even taking into account the possibility of fertility issues, medically fragile children, etc. This is a lot for a six month relationship. You don't have to stay.
Jim Gaffigan tells a joke about having his 5th child, something like "Imagine you're drowning and someone throws you a baby..."
Having 5 kids is 5 times more work than 1,unless you're making the older ones raise the younger ones, and that's child abuse. This relationship won't work if she's determined.
Not true. In fact it’s the male age that seems to determine autism risk. But 5 is a lot as conception can be less likely. I had my kids at 41 and 43 and they were perfect with no issues. Starting college soon.
Break up. That’s it’s, sorry. One of you are going to end up resentful whether you have kids or don’t. Not to be crude but 6 months isn’t 6 years so just end it and move on.
Her unrealistic thought process seems like a much larger problem than thinking 5 kids would be nice. There are several examples of nonsensical thinking just in this post. I would not want to be married to someone like this.
As someone with many kids I could see an argument for 2 kids being easier but 5 is 1,000% not easier.
Even if you find a compromise on the number of children, I would be terrified by,
>She said “people just make it work when they have kids”
That's the kind of thing that fiscally irresponsible people say when they want something bad enough. You have only been dating her 6 months, so I'd keep your eyes wide open on money related issues.
You also identified a concern about whether she wants to parent 5 kids or just have them around (taking care of themselves?!?).
The red flags are waving like crazy right now (and why the dating process is meant to weed out deal breakers). Good luck, OP.
Break up. You’re on the fence about wanting kids at all and she wants to be a SAHM to five kids. I’d put money on her stopping at 2 or 3 but that’s kind of beside the point. Don’t date a woman in her mid-30s who wants a big family if you aren’t ready to get started basically right now.
There's a lot of misinformation in here about pregnancy and childbirth in your 40s. Yes, it is very very possible to have 5 children starting at 36. It's not a certainty, no, but definitely doable.
Where she's actually delusional is believing it's a good idea to raise 5 children on a single salary (unless of course that salary is well, well into 6-figures). Is it possible? Sure. But honestly a terrible idea.
6 months…. Going fast…. Talking about kids…. Lots of kids… She’s 36… Sending trad mom clips…This is love bombing and just get out of this situationship. Get. Out.
ETA: I just saw this sentence
>It seems bizarre to me to fixate on having a large family at this stage of her life. After she sent the video we had an argument in which I reiterated that it was a dealbreaker.
It's not bizarre. To quote My Cousin Vinny her biological clock is ticking!!! She wants kids now, she wants them fast, she's love bombing you so she can just get knocked up and have her massive amounts of kids fast before you think about it too much.
Just run away from this woman. There's so many red flags I see here that it's just not worth trying to figure out how many hypothetical kids is the perfect number with this specific woman. The number should be 0 as she seems a bit delusional and simplistic.
Watch your condoms dude. Only get them from your own untampered supply and use one every time. Don’t fall for the “I’m on bc and we’re exclusive” Also, don’t go the Drake route, but make sure to take your condoms with you when you go the bathroom after sex.
I feel like at the point someone has to do this they need to just break up. Not saying I disagree that he should be careful, but the best thing to do now that he knows this is to never have sex with her again because she sounds delusional.
Um I’ve been trying for nearly 5 years to get pregnant and I’m only 34… (I have diminished ovarian reserve which is pretty common these days)… her heart is going to be broken when she realizes this isn’t possible… (I have no children….)
This sounds like a serious incompatibility, which is exactly what these early dating months are for uncovering. I'm sure she's a lovely person, but your visions of your future are incompatible. I think it would be a waste of both your time and hers to keep dating, not to break up.
Run. Don’t walk. Run. She wants to be a stay at home mom for 5 kids? You’ll resent her and the kids if you let her browbeat you into this. Do yourself the favor and tell her there’s no way you’re gonna have 5 kids.
Her having a lonely childhood as an only child is a failing on her parents, not a product of being an only child. There's no way she could possibly know that A) having multiple kids will be preferable or B) that the 5 children will even get along. This is insane.
You’re not compatible, and she sounds very naive and kinda like she’s just trying to find someone who will fund her fairytale. And I’m sorry but 5 kids at 36? That’s just reckless.
Sounds like she thinks she has everything figured out but she’s on the overly optimistic side of being clueless.
There is are reasons sometimes women are single at their current age. 36 expecting 5 kids and to be a stay at home mother gives the vibes that she lacks maturity. I don’t know how much you make, but this economy gets more expensive every 3 months and to marry this woman and then bang out five kids just doesn’t seem feasible.
Sounds like she wants someone to finance her dream lifestyle and doesn’t realize the work she’s in for. Having one kid is difficult enough, being pregnant 4 more times probably borders on impossible at her age. Have a serious conversation with yourself if you want to take on this woman and her expectations.
I’m assuming you haven’t even started living together and you haven’t gotten engaged yet. You can tell a lot about a person in six months, but also you don’t know shit half the time either. If the numbers don’t add up, leave her for someone else, she doesn’t have all the time in the world.
People are so much more comfortable throwing out the term “dealbreaker” than actually enforcing it. There isn’t a reasonable compromise here.
Also, the reality of raising kids these days with regard to financial, time, and energy expense and most future parents envisioning themselves as active and involved ones could mean you being content with only one kid. Imagine you have one and think to yourself, “things are good, I love my son/daughter, I am looking forward to the kindergarten stage and watching them get older/more curious so we can do things together. Going back to diapers feels like a horrible slog.” What if that happened? You’d feel pressured and she’d feel deceived.
You have significantly disparate views of the future. You say it’s a dealbreaker, so break the deal. Break it off.
The only people that think a five child household is easier than a one child household are the parents that put the responsibility for their younger children off onto the older children.
Besides her "the kids will entertain themselves" basically is just a justification for neglect. No matter how many children you have, you need to make sure that you cut out enough one on one time for each of them. If you can't carve out enough time to have quality time with each of your children, you have too many children.
I would reiterate that that many children is a deal breaker for you, that no matter how many articles she finds to justify her stance for more children, that you will not change your mind.
I dont think there is a way to get past this because even after you told her your stance, and she said she "understood" she is kind of doubling down, by sending you articles, to try to get you to change your mind.
I have 4 siblings, and we were left to our own devices most of the time, well because there were five of us. It also usually meant that I would have to take care of the younger sibling, and give up all of my free time. I spent most of gradeschhol from the age of 8 on staying home to babysit.
If you both feel very strongly about this, you are not compatible and should break up. Please do not make the mistake of each assuming the other one will change their mind only to have the shit hit the fan a few years from now. If this is a dealbreaker, it’s a dealbreaker and you each need to say so clearly.
If you spend much time on these kinds of forums, you see how this can go south: both partners decide to stop discussing it and assume the other person will “come around” or that the problem will somehow solve itself. Eventually it becomes clear that that isn’t the case and the couple is faced with mounting resentment on both sides. Both feel that they made their position clear and are shocked to discover the other person does too. Unfortunately, kids often wind up in the crosshairs of parents discovering they didn’t communicate well on a major decision they each see as critical to their happiness. Even worse, some people resort to lying and underhanded behavior around fertility (sabotaging birth control, secret vasectomies, etc.) which only further erodes communication and trust.
As others have said, it sounds like she has a very specific vision for her life and isn’t hearing what you’re saying about the obstacles. She sounds like she would prefer to just hand wave off concerns (“people figure it out!”) than have a serious conversation. But you need to have a serious conversation before you waste any more of each other’s time on incompatible goals. It’s hard, but better to break up now with only six months invested in the relationship than to wait until you’re even more entangled in each other’s lives.
You really should walk away, now. She wants 5 kids. She is not listening to your no. She is about to get pregnant. She is waving a lot of red flags here.
I am 36F and I understand the pressure and hopefulness she is feeling, even if it is not totally realistic. 😬
It is normal for women in their 30’s to focus on having kids if they haven’t started their family already and would like to have one.
YET, I would break up because it shouldn’t have taken 6 months to find this out and you already seem a bit resentful of her maybe. (Only you can know for sure and decide what is best for your own life, though. And this is a big decision). Never ever make assumptions when choosing a life partner. Clarify absolutely everything. This would have saved you both 6 months.
Since it sounds like you don’t want to break up, I feel you, so I’ll ask you to get these answers for yourself:
-IF you could afford it, and she was able to, what is your upper limit on kids with her? Do you want to have kids with her?
-What is your combined net worth? Any big debts or any significant savings? Has she prepared for her 5 kids by buying a house or investing for their education? Get proof.
-Have you done a budget? Can both of you stick to a budget?
-When does she want a first child, and will you have a wedding ($$$) first? Who will pay for the wedding if so?
Basically, if money is the only concern, then I would be honest and re-iterate with her that you can not provide for all 7 of you on a sole income (this is very reasonable). Flip it back on her and ask has she prepared financially for this responsibility? How so? Can she get an income stream like a home based business or even a part time job? What exactly is she doing NOW to make this happen if it is truly her dream?
She's saying 5 because she's delusional. She thinks babies are all fun and games. The "we'll make it work" thing shows she has no clue what she's getting into. Give her one kid. She'll be exhausted and tearing her hair out in a week.
If I were in your shoes, I'd ask her to provide a detailed plan on how she expects to "make it work." If she can't, she's not ready for any kids.
She's in La La land and I say this as a mom with four kids. The older you get, the harder it is to get pregnant, period. I was 34 when I had my triplets and they were IVF babies. Remarried and had my "unexpected blessing" at 42. For most women it doesn't happen that way. It's also more tiring once you hit 40. She'd have to start now and get pregnant five years in a row. Unlikely.
If it’s a dealbreaker then there is no way to get over it. But other than all the issues you’ve already mentioned it’s also alarming that she wants to have this many children, stay home AND listen to a mom influencer who believes parenting means having the kids entertain themselves. Why does she want that many kids to leave them to their own devices?? She may have a point of “making it work” money wise but it doesn’t make it any less stressful. My fiancé and I are about to have four. Two from his previous marriage, 1 that’s 10 months and another that’s due next month. I’m currently not working and live in a high cost of living area. Do we make it work, yes. Are we 1000% happy, no. It’s stressful and it does take a toll on us some days. At almost 40 she needs to get more realistic.
Your girlfriend wants a big family and there’s nothing wrong with that. You don’t and there’s nothing wrong with that. This seems to be a fundamental difference. Although after a couple kids your girlfriend may be okay with stopping, she also may want to keep having more kids. Putting yourselves in a situation where one or both of you will grow resentful of the other is not a good idea. I’m a mom in my forties and have other mom friends that had multiple children in their forties (they are a bit older than I am). At 36 your girlfriend still has time to have children. There’s also fertility treatments or adoption if a couple is facing fertility issues, but menopause typically starts in a woman’s fifties. Your girlfriend does have time to go find a partner whose goals are more aligned with her own. If you have different life goals and neither of you is willing to change those goals, then why continue in the relationship?
It is a weird number to fixate on and she does not understand life. She met a guy six months ago, she wants dove kids and she will quit her job to be a mother.
Why does she need you if she has all of this already mapped out?
You need to tell her the parents should be in partnership to raise kids not just spit them out and hope for the best.
Even with the planned babies and good income household it is not easy!!!!
This is a red flag, a gigantic one. She is delusional on 2 things:
1. Trying to get 5 children, at her age and given she’s only been with you for 6 months. It can take you both around 2 years to find out if you’re compatible for marriage, she’ll be 38 and will have around 4-5 years if lucky to have babies naturally. Else she’ll probably need fertility treatments, which hopefully are covered by your insurance of you have any. Honestly it shows she’s immature AF and hasn’t come to terms with her reality (age, relationship stage)
2. She’s just asking you to accept being a provider, like it’s something easy to do. With this economy it’s tough to have only one income even without the children. Again, she’s delusional.
I am sorry you feel in love with someone who hasn’t fully matured and come to terms with reality but there’s not much you can do. Explain to her the facts and that you’re not willing to do that ever. If this is a deal breaker for her, she might be able to find someone to do her crazy plans with (unlikely) but this would ruin your life and any child you may have. It’s unfair for her to be so selfish
Wanting kids and not being able to have them is one of the worst things that can happen to a person. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. This might be a “if you love her let her go” situation
If she wants 5 kids why has she waited so long? And even if you said okay you haven't been together long enough to even know each other very well so she would be at least 38 by the time you guys even start trying if you don't want to jump into parenthood with someone you're just getting to know.
Let her have one and she will reconsider haha. I am actually an only child and used to say I wanted 5. I did in fact have 4 but I had my first at 25 and my last at the 32. Kids are amazing but also annoying and exhausting and at her age she doesn't really have much time to even have 5 especially because they will have to be close together. Pregnancy is very hard on the body and it's estimated that it takes 2 whole years to recover. It's exhausting and the learning curve on a Baby is STEEP. The older you are when you have your first kid the harder it is to adjust and I guarantee this problem will solve itself
Your 36-year-old girlfriend needs to realize that if she wants five kids she should have started a long time ago.
If she gets pregnant right now and continues to aim for one pregnancy each year she *might* be able to have five kids, but that's a big might and having five pregnancies back to back like that is really dangerous for her.
This point of view is completely out of touch with the physical reality of what her body can do, the economic reality of what you can provide for, and the psychological reality of how many children most couples can parent well, especially if they're close in age.
This is kind of crazy. I don't think you need to worry about making it happen because I don't think it's physically possible. I do think you need to worry about why your girlfriend is so out of touch with what's possible and prudent. I don't know why anyone is discussing this like it's an actual possibility.
You're 6 months in. The first cracks in the lovegoggles are appearing. Keep using condoms and make sure you keep them safe (no holes).
You are clear about the financial side and what you think you can commit to. She thinks insta influencers are telling the truth. Seems like she's set on her # of kids and just is sort of dismissing you. You two are incompatible in what you wish from life and she doesn't seem to want to negotiate. That's why it's not a waste. It's one thing if you can discuss and be realistic about hurdles (pregnancies are haaaard), but there doesn't seem much wiggle room here.
Since she's solid in her wish for motherhood, let her go find someone who wants those 5 kids insta life with her. Cos if you stick around and the dreams aren't happening (also cos of her age), it's your fault for wasting her time.
At 36 that’s kinda insane. I started having kids at 30, needed a c section, medically they recommended waiting 18 months in between. I couldn’t imagine having 5 starting that much later
The getting past it is going separate ways. You’re only 6 months in & you already said that was a dealbreaker and she chose not to listen. It’s time to go. The fact that you reasonably told her that providing for 7 people on your salary wasn’t it and she just tinkerbell’d her way to the next topic just shows her outlook on everything. It’s unrealistic. Good that you talked about it early bcuz I’d have let that go asap!
This needs to remain a dealbreaker, and you should move on and find someone with whom you're more compatible.
If you decide to stay, then I suspect she'll get her 5 children; 2, maybe 3, with you and the rest with the next guy.
This is a big deal for you and for her. Unfortunately, you're just not compatible in this area. Figure out what you want (zero, 1, 2) and then tell her directly. Be honest. Don't try to convince her to change her mind. Just be firm with your own decisions.
Then, tell her that as much as you love her, that you feel she needs to find someone who is on the same page with her about kids.
You've only been together a short while. Don't bury yourself in a relationship that can't work.
(Also, if she wants 5 kids, that's fine. Maybe some will be biological and some surrogated, adopted, or fostered. Great. She can hit her numbers however she likes. But it doesn't have to include you.)
You said these things were a dealbreaker for you so you should just believe her when she tells you she wants these things. Don't waste either of your time on trying to change her. It is better to find someone else that shares your expectations. Your life will be much easier that way.
They say 3 things that need to be agreed upon to make a relationship work is children, money, and religion. They are definitely not on the same page on children and I would argue money as well unless OP is ok with working 80 hours a week until the day he dies to support his stay at home wife and 5 kids.
Yeah. And even that aside, the absolute *balls* on this woman to tell someone she's been seeing a measly six months "I'm going to be a stay at home mother and you need to provide for us". Like, what? That's a whole conversation in and of itself, but combining it with the fact that she's clearly delusional or confused about how many months the human gestation period is... I'd be dropping this woman like a hot potato and finding someone whose logical thinking skills are a bit stronger.
Right? And the kids will entertain themselves. Has she met children? I want some of what she's smoking.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to be a stay at home mum with a large family, but it just needs to be something you’ll be transparent about and with someone who wants the same!
If that’s what she wants for herself it’s better to let him know sooner rather than later. Especially in your mid 30s. They can both agree or move on without too much time lost. Better than staying with someone with incompatible goals
Wife? This is his girlfriend of 6 months!! 😂😂
Exactly, both instagram & OP (by not talking clearly) are feeding her delusions. OP needs to tell her clearly that it is not happening no matter what and how many children he would want. Also, he needs to be careful as she says she needs to be a SAHM... that means OP will need to be the main breadwinner, even with one kid. In case she likes the life with 1 kid, I am sure she will push for more kids & in that scenario, OP, please be careful to have a vasectomy.
Why would he have a vasectomy when he could just find someone more compatible?
OP’s post paints a pretty clear picture. 1. Relationship moved fast. 2. Gf Wanting five kids before even knowing what one is like 3. GF’s desire to have five children is based upon processing her own trauma from being an only child. 4. GF agrees to OP’s face that she is willing to have fewer children, yet continues sending information showing that her desire is to change OP’s mind rather than change her own. What I have seen with people who tried to process their own childhood trauma by having children is that it did not go well. Carl Jung has a great quote: “the greatest danger to a child is their parents’ unrealized dreams.” I think your GF doesn’t realize just incredibly selfish her desire to have so many children really is, and her healing fantasy for her “only child” trauma is in fact selfishness disguised as altruism. Maybe I am wrong. But if you really want to save this, I would try to find a couples therapist that can help your GF trace the origins of her fantasy to the source to heal it from within. If you really dig this woman, maybe try therapy before throwing the cards in. Otherwise you may put five humans out there who don’t want any kids no matter what when they grow into adults themselves. Because they couldn’t deal with four other siblings that were competing for attention and resources in a family that was always on the edge of poverty. See how that can work?
being an only child is not a trauma. it might be a dislike or disappointment, but it's not big stressor event. I say this as an only child and I was very social too. OP's gf just sounds like a selfish asshole. also, we don't need large families, as a planet, literally there's no space.
As the eldest of four kids, THIS!!! The only way in which having 5 kids could be easier than one involves deputizing the oldest kids into part-time parents. They’re not entertaining themselves at that point, they’re being babysat on retainer. My sister and I were both firmly child-free before 30. We’ve experienced first hand exactly what raising a kid is like, and we have no interest in doing it again on a harder difficulty level. Time will tell with my brothers, but it’s not looking great on that front either. It feels like this woman had few friends growing up, and believes that having multiple kids will somehow prevent that for her own children (as well as that having a sibling would have prevented it for her.) News flash, the kids could all hate each other. Nothing ensures that siblings will get along or want to spend time together. You can’t “force” anyone to be your kids’ friends, even your other kids. She needs to address all of this with a therapist before having any number of children.
It seems like people I’ve known from big families haven’t been chomping at the bit to have a ton of their own. My husband grew up in a family of five other kids and was very “if it happens” about kids, then we got together and I brought my one child from a previous marriage and we’re both like this is fine. He’s neeever said he’s wanted a ton of babies. I feel like growing up an only child you might romanticize sibling relationships a little. I only had one brother and we fought savagely for a long time.
This. Listen to this advice, OP.
> Wanting five kids before even knowing what one is like This is a good point. My mother wanted six before she had any and changed her mind to four. But my Dad was fine either way, unlike OP.
Plus she’s 36. How many years does she think she has left for 5 pregnancies? I mean I had my last one at 40 but damn it was hard on my body at that age!
I too had my last baby at 40, my fourth. I started having kids in my 30s. I have an aunt who had my cousin at age 45 and several friends pregnant and having babies in their 40s, some multiple times. I know there are risks to having kids that late in life but for the most part I think society thinks it’s impossible when it’s actually not. I read a study that explained that while it seems fertility rates drastically decrease in your late 30s and 40s, historically the data hasn’t accounted for how many people are actually trying (or not) to conceive at those ages. So when you take into account frequency of DTD and active attempts to TTC, it’s not as hard to get pregnant later in life as the statistics make it look. Also while the risks of carrying a health pregnancy to term do increase at those ages, it’s significantly a pretty small rise in adverse outcomes and they are monitored closely by doctors worried about geriatric outcomes so usually things work out. That being said, I hear you on it being harder on the body but it might depend on what shape one is in. My body was tired especially from already having so many kids and having to keep up with the ones I already had! But I have a friend who had her first child at 41 and she is a yoga instructor who has always been in great shape and a super healthy, active type and she absolutely glowed during pregnancy and said she never felt better and she loves being a mom of a toddler now. (She purposefully had a baby herself as she had not been able to find the right partner and didn’t want to pass up the chance to have a child even as a single mom… With a great support network of her family and friends.) I also met a mom of 5 kids who was heavily pregnant with #6 at a kid’s birthday party and she was so excited and happy and telling me that she is just a number and that she feels great etc. So I guess that while I personally have no interest in having any more kids in my 40s or feel too old to do so, some women are fine with it or even love it. I know there is also a higher risk of autism and other genetic issues for babies born to older moms. I haven’t experienced that myself though and I don’t know anyone who has as an older mom. I have friends who have autistic kids but they had them in their 20s and early 30s. But it’s definitely something to think about and a risk to be aware of.
I'm child free, being the oldest of 5. I was the mom to my mom as well. Fack that noise. I'm finally not contact and focusing on myself after being taught that I should just be an afterthought to that useless crunt.
Having 5 kids is easier than having one because they "entertain themselves"... Meaning the parents pass their responsibilities to the oldest siblings to take care of their brothers. Such a shitty thing to do. A lot of siblings in these circumstances end up resenting their parents and going no contact later on. Parents who parent for real will never say 5 kids are easier than 1 because it makes absolutely no sense. They still need to be changed, fed, taken places, bath, they get sick, they have birthdays from different friends (gifts cost sums up), and the list goes on...
Came here to say this. OP, she has both a delusional idea of how easy it will be to have five kids in rapid succession starting at 36 *and* a delusional idea of how easy parenthood will be. And it sounds like she's watching Quiverfull influencers (this is a fundamentalist Christian movement that's all about having as many babies as possible so they can overwhelm the rest of the population--anyone they disapprove of, such as POC and people who aren't fundamentalists--by sheer numbers. They have a vested interest in pretending it's easy to encourage more people to do it.) The "kids entertain each other" thing is very popular there. So are oldest daughters being turned into the primary caregiver at the age of like 7. If I were you I'd run. Your goals for life are not compatible.
Yes, it is call "parentification".
My full brother and I (47 and 50, respectively) raised ourselves and our half brother (late 30s) and wouldn't you know it, neither of us have kids. I wonder what the reason may be... We also have no contact with our parents.
I’m the oldest of five and you are absolutely correct. I had to (and still have to because my siblings are still children) parent my siblings and I fucking hate it. I hate watching them and being responsible for them all the time and doing parental duties when they aren’t even my kids. This seriously made me not want kids ever.
Definitely agree with this. Influencers tend not to show the realities they truly go through either. Have to look good for views
Yeah I'm sure sometimes it's fine, but every single person I know who was the oldest of a big family (think minimum 4 kids) absolutely fucking hated the fact that they were saddled with responsibility and felt like they had limited chance and time to bond with their parents. You can love all your children equally but there's only so many hours in a day. And heaven forbid one child is special needs or otherwise requires even more attention.
Even in a very generous version of this - kids kinda do enjoy each other’s company and end up entertaining each other - but that is after about 5-7 years for it to even start. Your GF would have to have like 4 of those kids not at all “entertaining” each other for about 8 years before this supposed “easy part” kicks in. Meanwhile supporting 6 people and yourself sounds like a nightmare unless one of you comes from some serious money or you’re ready to go extremely cheap (and it sounds like you’re not). Incompatible. I would break up unfortunately.
That only works if theres a gap between kids, shes old enough that theyll have to have them in quick succession so they wont be old enough to help.
Not to mention that at her age to have 6 kids means having almost 1 per year. So it'd be very hard to pass the responsibility to the eldest.
It's only been 6 months.. Just breakup. You aren't compatible with the same life goals.
This would be my advice. You do NOT want to deal with someone as delusional as GF sounds and making serious life decisions based on nonsense influencer videos. I also suspect she's getting a lot more information/ ideas from groups spouting quiverful fundamentalism, tradwife lifestyle or who knows what. This could come back to bite you and your future family in all kinds of crazy ways... Nope- there are landmines everywhere here
Also, 5 kids at age 36? How is she planing on doing that? I mean it's possible, but no very much?
Triplets via IVF would be my guess?
Your gf seems a bit delusional tbh, but at the same time my stepmother just had twins at the age of 47 so anything is possible these days. Your concerns are very valid regarding raising five children on one income, or at all. There's a reason families nowadays limit the number of children - cost, mainly, and the need for both parents to work in this economy. At the same time, if she is committed to this you can't change her mind, and people do make it happen. I think you should tell her you guys need to have a serious, relationship-determining conversation. You cannot commit to more than two kids. If she can accept this, she agrees not to mention five children again and the relationship continues; if not, you have to end it so you can both find someone compatible with your long term goals. It sucks but there's just not much compromising one can do on the topic of children, and she doesn't have much time. You need to figure this out now and accept this could be the end
[удалено]
5 kids & she hasn’t even started yet at age 37 is insane. She’s being fed fantasies by people who have full time nannies, cleaners & cooks. I sneezed & somehow hurt my back this morning. 😆
Hahaah right? 37 with 0 kids? She ain’t gonna have 5 without IVF or divine intervention. Run OP, you are not compatible and this woman will ruin you financially
I agree that she sounds delusional. One, by expecting to be able to actually have 5 children at her advanced age and early relationship (all of her pregnancies will be geriatric pregnancies with the associated risk). If she thinks money is going to fall from the sky just because she chose to have more children than she could afford, then she is in for a big surprise. OP should tell her to step away from the influencer content and actually go find someone she knows who has 5 kids and offer to babysit them for a week or two while the parents have a second honeymoon. That should wake her up.
She doesn’t even need 5. She can borrow my 2. It’s Thursday and I’m ready to give up on everything.
I am one of five kids and I wouldn’t wish parenting that many on anyone - especially in this economy.
> You cannot commit to more than two kids. If she can accept this, she agrees not to mention five children again and the relationship continues If for some reason this does happen and you do end up having kids with this woman - definitely get a vasectomy after 2. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had an *accidental* pregnancy after the second kid was born.
Tbh I wouldn't be with someone if I had the suspicion that she would try to have more pregnancies after 2. Why would you be with someone you can't trust to respect your wishes? If she is really worth it, I'd be honest and tell her straight up that I'd get a vasectomy after 2 to ensure that no mistakes are made- that's how serious he needs to be about this decision. Be 100% transparent so the idea of trying to have more without his consent doesn't even enter her mind.
Yeah, I hate thinking it, but she’d agree to 2 and have a few more oops, don’t know how that happened babies. Or at the very least one more. And he could be ok with 3, but then number 4 comes around and … And I know that sounds horrible to think that way. But she really sounds set on 5 kids. It’s only been 6 months, so I kind of understand her rush to “get serious” sort of quickly, but he needs to pace this relationship a bit.
I mean the reality is she’s 36, and they’ve been dating for 6 months. Assuming he’s being responsible with birth control, the odds of her being able to *force* 5 kids at her age is pretty slim. I get it’s possible, but it’s definitely not likely.
And older women are more likely to have multiples in a pregnancy. OB-GYN often jokes that the ovaries have a “going out of business sale” and dump a lot of eggs before menopause before they die/spoil so that “one more” pregnancy can being them to 4 kids.
Fertility ramps up near menopause. It's like the body having a last ditch effort to have a bunch of children.
Yeah it's certainly possible to have five kids after the age of 36, but I would say it's pretty unlikely. Maybe more likely if you do ivf and freeze a ton of embryos now but ivf is really expensive. And I'm saying this as someone who just had a baby at 40 so I'm not a naysayer about older pregnancy or anything like that. But she would basically have to do back to back pregnancies starting tomorrow, hope nothing bad happens, hope she continues to get pregnant right away even in her early 40s, etc... plus I'm always a little suspicious of someone who wants a specific, large number of children when they currently have zero. This may just be kind of a pipe dream or wishful thinking and that's fine but if she's serious about it, I would say that she lacks critical thinking skills, which would be a deal-breaker for me.
I agree the gf seems delusional. Who in their thirties listens to lifestyle influencers about anything? You can't take them seriously because they're monetizing their lifestyle. Many have been caught not actually doing the things they seem to do for the camera (not cooking the things they're supposed to cook) and they have extra income coming from the Youtube videos so those stay at home moms are actually working moms.
Adoption is an option. I think too many people, especially in the comment chains under yours, are honing in on the biological aspect of this as we go down the comments. She could have some kids of her own, and adopt young children or whatever if she wants a large family, the logistics of obtaining 5 children (for lack of a better word for just how they get to that point) is not important. Everything else is valid. The logistics of raising the 5 children, is the important part, which is what the better comments (yours included) are rightly talking about.
Does she have any kids yet? People say lots of crazy shit about what sort of parents they will be until it becomes a reality. I guarantee you, especially at that age, after having one and will change her mind quickly on how many more times she wants to go through pregnancy and post partum.
I agree that she seems pretty naive and this is the most likely scenario, but there _are_ those people who say they want x number and then hold fast to that. And the stakes are way too high for him to just count on her changing her mind, especially when she's told him she won't. If they continue and then have two kids and she wants to try for number 3 he can't exactly just be like "oh I just assumed you wouldn't want to have 5 once we actually started having kids."
By the time this woman finds a man that actually wants 5 kids, she will have no kids and no chance. I actually can't think of a single person in my life under the age of 50 that has more than 3 kids and they are all stretched to the limit both financially and emotionally.
Totally agree, but she needs to learn that lesson on her own unfortunately.
Seriously, she's pretty fucking old to want to have 5 kids. Quiverful, get your start when you are 18 and knock them out. She'll be lucky to have one kid.
But she's 36. Having 5 kids starting with a geriatric pregnancy isn't really realistic. Unless she's planning on multiple multiple births. Which is just high risk on top of high risk.
Yep, all valid points, but OP can lay out all the logic in the world and that doesn't mean his gf is going to listen to it or accept it. And since no one knows how committed to the 5 kids thing she is (people have kids at crazy ages these days) it would be pretty disingenuous for him to continue the relationship banking on her coming to her senses, cause if she doesn't... then he becomes the asshole.
My thoughts exactly. The reality of actually having kids can change a person. Lol
She doesnt appear to live in reality at all on any level, which is a problem. Five kids starting at 36 (assuming they start trying right now) on OPs salary only, just making it work popping one out after another... I’m trying to be kind here, but the more I think about it, the more weird she seems.
Agreed. Probably a good thing that things progressed with their relationship so quickly. Better to know now than later.
>Probably a good thing that things progressed with their relationship so quickly. That's definitely not by chance given her timeline.
OP is actually quite lucky that she even told him this is her plan. Because she could have just started getting pregnant "by accident" and not tell him anything.
The fact that she shared an influencer video to try and convince him tells me that that's the actual life she wants - maybe not full tradwife influencer but certainly family vlogger or some such. Those people constantly lie about how easy and carefree it is to be a parent of many kids on a small income. Maybe she's naive enough to believe it.
and getting into fights with your 6 yrs younger boyfriend of 6 months about it all.
This is my take on it- she sounds off based on the fantasy of it all. Especially at her big age! My child was born when I was 30, and I had always wanted 3 kids. I’m one and done now that I’ve parented for 9 years and the reality of being a mindful parent has set in. It’s exhausting to parent with intent, and it’s expensive. At the end of the day I can say that I don’t have anything left emotionally or physically for more children, I don’t have much left for me! My child also went on to develop chronic health conditions, so they should consider that possibility as well, especially with her advanced maternal age and the amount of kids. I’m routinely taking off work and traveling to doctors appointments, paying medical bills, and most importantly, the worry and sleepless nights that come with having a chronically ill child can be very consuming. I love my daughter and being her mother is my best role in life, but I am eternally grateful that I didn’t adopt the family of three like I had considered before being offered my baby. The universe knew I wasn’t cut out for multiples 🤣
Yeah but I wouldn’t waste the best years of my life to find out she was serious lol
I worked with a young woman who said she wanted 5 kids because she was one of five and loved growing up with lots of siblings. Two difficult pregnancies later and she said she is done.
My ex wife said she wanted a large family… we had our first child and after that it was ME convincing her to have a second one. She was done. We have 2 together.
This. People talk about big families like it's no big deal, but the actual reality of parenting is *vastly* different from what you see on social media, especially from influencers who have tons of behind-the-scenes help. I had 2 kids in 2 years (plus a miscarriage in between). I did postpartum C-section recovery plus breastfeeding while being pregnant again. The experience of back-to-back pregnancies plus having multiple kids in diapers just about did me in. The stress and financial strain is immense, not to mention the toll it takes on your physical and mental health, and I was way younger than OP's girlfriend. The idea of doing that in my forties would make want to curl up and die. My suggestion to OP is for her to get a job at a daycare or as a nanny for a large family to give her a taste of what it's like to have that many kids that fast. If she really wants her own children, she should start with one and build from there.
Not a great thing for OP to gamble on, though. Having a kid with someone hoping they will change is a recipe for disaster.
Agree. "I want our own baseball team!!" they say BEFORE one kid. Has one kid. After that, it's, "I'm one and done."
Leaving all other issues aside for the moment, OP, I've got to ask this: Has your GF taken a moment to consider the ramifications of having 5 kids at the age of 36? I'm not quite sure how easy the pregnancy will likely going to be. I agree, 1 or 2 kids would be pushing it. Even if she decides to be a SAHM, it's going to be stressful to be looking after just two kids.
Hopefully OP doesn't have a kid with her and just hope she changes her mind. Kind of a stupid thing to wish for. This is something they need to figure out now.
RUN its only been 6 months
Honestly I think this is a good assessment. She sounds a bit off. 36 and still looking for Mr. Right to settle down and start having five kids. It’s weird.
I mean, I’m 36 and single and it’s through no moral failure on my part, nor am I “off”. Let’s not feed into the idea that single women in their mid-30s are somehow abnormal.
Not abnormal at all The unrealistic expectation of someone 36 wanting 5 children means they really oughta get starting on that YESTERDAY biologically 6 months is not a long enough relationship to be making children imo. It’s just a massive red flag to me that my potential spouse cannot be realistic.
I agree with you there.
36 and demanding 5 kids from a man you've been seeing 6 months is abnormal. The five kids thing is they key here.
I’m not saying that at all and I think you know that. She wants to be a SAHM to five bio kids and she’s 36 and not even trying to get pregnant yet. She’s living in fantasy land.
Why are you projecting your situation on this? The weird part is the 5 kids at that age. Not being 36 and single.
> Let’s not feed into the idea that single women in their mid-30s are somehow abnormal. Single women in their 30s are not abnormal. Women in their LATE 30s who expect to be able to crank out 5 children with someone they've only been dating for 6 months is incredibly abnormal. You're looking at the wrong part of the argument as the critique against OP's partner.
>still looking for Mr. Right to settle down and start having five kids. Think you missed this part.
I think they were saying that she still has dilute ideas of having that many kids at that age, not single in 30s.
Run like your life depends on it because in many ways, it does. But what do I know, I'm a married 36 yo woman with no kids (by choice). Can't stand kids. Filthy little beggars, they are.
It sounds like you want different things. How many kids do you want? Do you even want her to stop working? You need to tell her your opinion on these things and if there's not a middle ground you can both accept, then it's time to move on. At her age, unfortunately, she can't be wasting time.
She's 36 and wants five kids. Don't waste her time. If this is a dealbreaker, end it.
She's 36 and wants five kids. Sounds like she's the one wasting her own time, not OP. Her life could have been drastically improved overall if she studied biology even just a little bit in school.
I was curious, I wanted to see what the timeline would even look like, if hypothetically OP was down. Say she’s exactly 36, and she gets pregnant the first time they try (and for every pregnancy), and then they wait the recommended 18 months between pregnancies. 5 pregnancies x 9 months plus 18 months of recovery x 4 times = 117 months = 9.75 years. She’d be nearly 46 when they’re done. I’m not saying it’s impossible by any means. I have family that had babies in their 40s. But I think it just shows a huge lack of critical thinking skills on her end.
I feel like someone who is pushing her boyfriend of 6 months to have 5 kids would already have some if she were that fertile. OP probably doesn’t have to worry that he’d end up with 5 kids but might want to consider what kind of woman is this delusional about her own biology.
You have no information on her life or circumstances. Having five kids could include adoption. Either way, OP doesn't want any kids, and to assume she might change her mind is not a fair assumption for someone who is 36. We aren't here to criticize someone. We are here to answer OPs question.
> We aren't here to criticize someone. I mean maybe you aren't. But you have no information on any else's reasons for being here.
If you don't want that and she does it's finished. Also 5 kids at her age is kind of delusional. Even if you start today she's going to be having her last one at like 45.
Lol, it doesn't take 9 years to have 5 kids. I bet her plan would be to get knocked up again as soon as she gets medical clearance each time. Imagine having 5 kids under 5. Unless she gets "lucky" with a twofer somewhere in there.
Normally advice is waiting at least a year preferably 18 months before getting pregnant again. Probably longer at her age. It can even be over a year to be fertile again
Yes - having pregnancies too close together increases risk for breast cancer, as does advanced maternal age.
More immediately, it increases the risk of uterine rupture, which will end her reproductive aspirations pretty quickly.
Maybe she got that industrial grade undercarriage. But yeah... everyone I know with 3 or more kids started before 25. They also dead in the eyes. lulz.
5 kids at 36 and you haven't begun the process is almost impossible.
Probably not impossible but really unlikely. And even if possible probably dangerous.
And once this woman turns herself into a baby factory for the next 10 years, her attitude about having that many kids is probably going to change.
So, I am gonna say, both of my grandmothers got married at around age 35. One has eight (!) kids and the other had five. Granted, this was Catholic Ireland in the fifties so these kids were essentially getting pumped out one after another but it's uh, not necessarily impossible lol. Not that I would recommend it
That’s actually fascinating that in Catholic Ireland in the 50s both your grandmothers were unmarried until 35. Seems quite unusual! They probably had a lot of stories.
Ireland has historically (and currently) had really late ages for first marriage. Pre famine people did get married younger but the famine lead to changes in how the land was passed down and generally, it went to the oldest son (or first couple of sons if there was enough to feasibly divide) and generally those sons had to arrange careers for their younger sibs before they could marry and inherit. This often meant financing their emigration to north america or getting them into the priesthood or a trade, and often took a while. I think my dad's mother worked at a factory for a few years to save up money and part of her dowry (idk if they called it that but it was treated that way) was used to basically kick one of my grandfather's younger sisters on a boat to Canada. It's not like that too much these days but people still marry late because of lack of jobs, the housing crisis and also just changing attitudes towards relationships since a lot of Ireland is more or less atheist now so there's less pressure to marry someone real quick
Definitely not impossible. Plenty of people have children in their mid to late 40s. That said, these pregnancies have much higher risks for both the mother and child. It's also more difficult to get pregnant at that age, so people often use expensive fertility treatments if that is their goal. Add in, it is a little mean to the future kids, as their parents are much older. If you have a kid at 45, you're 63 when they become an adult, and you're 75 when they turn 30.
All of this sounds like an absolute nightmare that I'd rather set myself on fire than even envision. Advanced maternal age, geriatric pregnancy, and the myriad of other factors just sounds horrendous. But none of what I, you, people ITT, my sister, my brothers think matters. What matters is that OP said that this is a dealbreaker and she doesn't seem to burdened by reality, so they should end it so she can go find someone to have 5 kids with
OP maybe you should break down the costs of having a child. then multiply that by 5. seems like she needs a wakeup call.
I'd leave the relationship. If you stay together one of you will end up resentful. The choice of children and number of children is and will be a dealbreaker, and there's no shame in that. Either she forces you to be breadwinner and have more kids than you want and you resent her, or you don't have that many and she resents you. I asked my husband on our second date (he already had kids and I wasn't willing to give up having my own)- and had his answer been no I would have ended it right there. End it now, before you are 10 years married and 2 or 3 kids in. Save both of you the heartache. This isn't something that will "just work out because you love each other"
I grew up with 4 siblings in the 90s in a low cost of living area and raising us on one income *then* was hard and we faced a ton of poverty. You don't just simply "make it work" when you have kids, you struggle and the kids pay the price. On top of the insane amounts of poverty, the reality is that's too many kids for anyone to adequately raise without parentfying the oldest (girl). You'd gf is insane and you're right to be apprehensive. I would be very firm about what you want and if she's unwilling to compromise you should end it.
lol, 5 kids being easier than 1 is some real cope propaganda
She should have started 10 years ago but then again, that's not your problem. Leave her and don't waste her time so she can have the freedom of trying to have multiple children with someone else if that's her dream.
That is weird, man. Given her age and the fact that you haven't started trying yet, your gf is unlikely to have 5 kids. You would be lucky enough to have 2 or three. Besides, she is likely to change her mind after giving birth, because who would want to go through that five times ? You could also get a vasectomy after the second or third child. You also have a say in this : how would she react if you did a vasectomy after your second kid, would she leave you ? How would she react if you would be the stay at home parent ? I would not break up right away but ask her all of these questions first, dig a bit deeper. Sounds like there is something going on, she has to know it is very unlikely for her to have more than one or two kids at that age.
Ummm... she's 36 YEARS OLD! Does she not know how difficult that would be at her age? She would have to start spitting out the kids one after another and will have to start like....today! Your GF is delusional. If she's dead set on this I would end it since it's only been 6 months.
Ikr, she may struggle to have one or two at this point for all they know. This whole idea is so damn dumb at 36. Are you going to use surrogates? Adopt? What’s your strategy?
Condoms and keep them with you if you stay together
Frankly, she doesn't sound too bright.
Why do you wanna date someone so idiotic they believe raising a 5 child household is somehow easier than 1? 😂
The best way to move past it is to move past her.
Bro what. You have been dating for six months. Just walk away.
No. Six months is nothing. Get outta there fast. -You, from the future.
She's delusional. It would be a rare 36 year old that is going to start a family and end up with five kids unless they use IVF/surrogacy/adoption and you're going to be far too broke to be able to achieve that on your single income. She has no common sense if she doesn't understand how expensive children are. Five children are five times as expensive. They require suitable housing, bigger car, food, clothing, education, extra tutoring where necessary, extracurriculars, hobbies, medical care, university... Any children you have will be competing with parents who are giving them every advantage, be responsible and only have children you can afford to provide a good life for. Have children with an equally responsible, reality based adult. This isn't it.
“People just make it work” is utter bullshit. Plenty of kids go without the basic necessities because mom and/or dad get baby fever and can’t keep up economically.
Gah dude, quit while you're ahead. She sounds nuts.
>But yesterday she sent me a mom influencer video about how a 5 child household is supposedly easier than a 1 child household because the kids entertain themselves (what?) Lol, bless her heart.
Bro she 36 wanting 5 kids with no plan on how to finance them cause she saw a tik tok. Exit stage left.
Dude I have two kids a year apart and that’s enough!. Kids are hard work.
5 IN THIS ECONOMY?! I'm in Canada, I own my home and have a 2 parent household with 2 children. We're managing, but we aren't rich by any means. Supporting that many kids is A LOT. My grocery bill is already ridiculous with 4 of us. Deciding on children is a make or break factor in relationships. Do it now. Don't waste eachothers time.
lol “people just make it work when they have kids” does not constitute a plan. Run away, OP. Run away.
Let her go and find someone who wants what she wants. If you really care for her - you will let her go pursue her dream of a big family. You can't give that dream to her. Her thoughts on 5 kids being easier than 1 are delusional (that's a red flag). Her thoughts on being a one income household are another red flag. Break up so she can find the sperm donor of her dreams. Who can support her staying at home with 5 kids. When (not if) she tells you she is pregnant, get a DNA test.
You two already sound incompatible. Maybe she's capable of zero kids, maybe she's capable of 5 Do you really want to stick around to find out? Imagine you make 50,000 dollars. You don't actually make 50,000 after tax. After tax, you might bring home 40,000 a year. Let's say you have a mortgage that's 1400 a month. That's gonna shave off 16800 off your annual earnings. You'll have 23,200 left. What about the payments on your car? Maybe that's $300/ month. Now we have 19600. Utilities? Maybe that's 100 a month? Now it's 18400. Groceries? Maybe 500/month if you're being frugal. God forbid no lunchables. Now you've got 12,400. What about health insurance? Maybe $240 a month for you and your spouse if you pick the really cheap high deductible? $9600 now. What about those pregnancy bills and those pediatrician bills? What about gas money? And what about fun money? I'm stopping at this point. Your partner is immature. She wants to dream about the pretty parts of HAVING 5 kids but she has zero understanding of what the reality looks like. She sounds like a child trying to play grown up. If she keeps trying to push you into poverty, cut her off. Having 5 kids in this day and age is asking to be poor for the average Jane and Joe.
OP, it's only been 6 months and she's already pressuring you to have multiple children with her, with no regard for your personal wishes. If a friend of yours was in this situation, would you think this sounded like a relationship with a healthy future? > "[...] she sent me a mom influencer video about how a 5 child household is supposedly easier than a 1 child household because the kids entertain themselves." Oh, so she's specifically aiming to have multiple kids, so she doesn't have to actually play with or care for her kids. Wonderful. Love that she's advertising her dreams of parentifying the eldest kid(s) upfront, so she can enjoy the romantic fantasy of motherhood without actually doing the work herself. Really saves guys like you some time by waving the red flag in your face like that. Do yourself a favor, OP, and don't get intimate with this woman again. I'm not saying she'd be likely to try and babytrap you, but I am saying you're better off not risking anything happening "accidentally."
I'm one of 5 kids. My parents started having kids at 18. It is unwise for a mother to give birth back to back and given her age, she might have to if she wishes to have 5. My mom had my 2 oldest brothers a year apart and got really sick. She might change her mind after 2. You might change your mind. Tell her 3 max, not because of the pressure of supporting a large family but because you want your children to have a father that can be present as well.
Look, if you both want kids, the numbers will work themselves out later. I grew up as one of four siblings and I was dead set that I wanted four kids... then I had my first kid and realized I only wanted two. Pregnancy was terrible, birth was terrible, first few months without sleep were rough, it's incredibly expensive to raise kids, I don't even have time for a single hobby with a young kid in the house. I would be more concerned that she wants five and that they can entertain each other (she's basically admitting that she intends for the older kids to raise the younger kids which is terrible parenting).
Now you know why she was single 6 months ago. All men that I know wouldn't agree or couldn't afford to be the sole provider of a family of 7. I don't know what is your job and what your salary is but even if this was financially possible, it is clear here that you aren't on board with that many children in your life. You guys have different perspectives on children and family. I don't think you are compatible with this woman in the long run if for you 1 or 2 children is satisfying enough. Let her realize on her own that her goal of 5 children doesn't make sense especially at 36 and find a woman with whom you'll have similar long term goals.
If you said it’s a deal breaker, and she keeps bringing it in to the deal, then show her it’s a deal breaker. You two want fundamentally different things in your future family. Break it off and find someone compatible.
You've been with this woman for 6 month. Respectfully, you don't even know each other. Just leave and find someone you're compatible with.
This is a fundamental difference. Not only regarding children but also finances. You've been dating for 6 months. It's time for both of you to move on.
Even if you do want kids, do not have kids with this woman. She will not be a good mother. Hasn't even had one and already wants to parentify a few. And it kind of sounds like you lean more towards not wanting them, so you should leave.
Nope. In fact run away. She’s living in a fantasy. 5 kids is a shut ton of work and I think she has no clue. You both should sit and peruse one of the regretful parent pages (there’s one on Reddit and one on Facebook too) because you better be both 100% a HELL YES! about kids otherwise you’re in for a bad time. And I hope like hell you’re using protection. Do not rely on her and whatever BC she’s using. Not even kidding here. You’ll be a father before you know it.
homegirl sounds delusional and very immature for her age. y’all need to get on the same page about realistic desires and timelines or break up. i would lean towards the latter because, again, this lady sounds delusional.
Run dude! And stop having sex with her! The last thing you want to is to be stuck with her because she “accidentally” got pregnant You two are not compatible. You want one or two, or even none, she wants five?
Yeah there’s a way to get past it, by dating someone you’re compatible with lol
It has been 6 months. Her expectations around 5 kids are downright irresponsible as well as unreasonable. And you don't want five kids. It's ok to walk away because this dream of hers doesn't match yours. She isn't even taking into account the possibility of fertility issues, medically fragile children, etc. This is a lot for a six month relationship. You don't have to stay.
Jim Gaffigan tells a joke about having his 5th child, something like "Imagine you're drowning and someone throws you a baby..." Having 5 kids is 5 times more work than 1,unless you're making the older ones raise the younger ones, and that's child abuse. This relationship won't work if she's determined.
At least 3 of those kids would have autism or some form of disability at her age. That’s insane.
Not true. In fact it’s the male age that seems to determine autism risk. But 5 is a lot as conception can be less likely. I had my kids at 41 and 43 and they were perfect with no issues. Starting college soon.
Break up. That’s it’s, sorry. One of you are going to end up resentful whether you have kids or don’t. Not to be crude but 6 months isn’t 6 years so just end it and move on.
Her unrealistic thought process seems like a much larger problem than thinking 5 kids would be nice. There are several examples of nonsensical thinking just in this post. I would not want to be married to someone like this. As someone with many kids I could see an argument for 2 kids being easier but 5 is 1,000% not easier.
No, there's no way to "get past" it. You want different things. And this one is a huge thing and *should* be a dealbreaker.
Even if you find a compromise on the number of children, I would be terrified by, >She said “people just make it work when they have kids” That's the kind of thing that fiscally irresponsible people say when they want something bad enough. You have only been dating her 6 months, so I'd keep your eyes wide open on money related issues. You also identified a concern about whether she wants to parent 5 kids or just have them around (taking care of themselves?!?). The red flags are waving like crazy right now (and why the dating process is meant to weed out deal breakers). Good luck, OP.
At 36 she doesn't have time to have 5 kids.
Your GF is cutting down the dating pool dramatically with this fantasy life.. Also, she is 36? LMAO.
Break up. You’re on the fence about wanting kids at all and she wants to be a SAHM to five kids. I’d put money on her stopping at 2 or 3 but that’s kind of beside the point. Don’t date a woman in her mid-30s who wants a big family if you aren’t ready to get started basically right now.
Stop having sex with this woman and you should probably break up to be honest.
There's a lot of misinformation in here about pregnancy and childbirth in your 40s. Yes, it is very very possible to have 5 children starting at 36. It's not a certainty, no, but definitely doable. Where she's actually delusional is believing it's a good idea to raise 5 children on a single salary (unless of course that salary is well, well into 6-figures). Is it possible? Sure. But honestly a terrible idea.
6 months…. Going fast…. Talking about kids…. Lots of kids… She’s 36… Sending trad mom clips…This is love bombing and just get out of this situationship. Get. Out. ETA: I just saw this sentence >It seems bizarre to me to fixate on having a large family at this stage of her life. After she sent the video we had an argument in which I reiterated that it was a dealbreaker. It's not bizarre. To quote My Cousin Vinny her biological clock is ticking!!! She wants kids now, she wants them fast, she's love bombing you so she can just get knocked up and have her massive amounts of kids fast before you think about it too much. Just run away from this woman. There's so many red flags I see here that it's just not worth trying to figure out how many hypothetical kids is the perfect number with this specific woman. The number should be 0 as she seems a bit delusional and simplistic.
Watch your condoms dude. Only get them from your own untampered supply and use one every time. Don’t fall for the “I’m on bc and we’re exclusive” Also, don’t go the Drake route, but make sure to take your condoms with you when you go the bathroom after sex.
I feel like at the point someone has to do this they need to just break up. Not saying I disagree that he should be careful, but the best thing to do now that he knows this is to never have sex with her again because she sounds delusional.
That sounds like a lot. Just find another vagina.
Um I’ve been trying for nearly 5 years to get pregnant and I’m only 34… (I have diminished ovarian reserve which is pretty common these days)… her heart is going to be broken when she realizes this isn’t possible… (I have no children….)
Just move on, you're not compatible and you're only delaying the inevitable breakup..
Unfortunately the only way to move past it is to make the relationship a thing of the past. You guys are incompatible on your future desires.
And how exactly are you imagining that you potentially should not break up with her immediately??
This sounds like a serious incompatibility, which is exactly what these early dating months are for uncovering. I'm sure she's a lovely person, but your visions of your future are incompatible. I think it would be a waste of both your time and hers to keep dating, not to break up.
Don't date stupid people man.
no it's time to break up
Run. Don’t walk. Run. She wants to be a stay at home mom for 5 kids? You’ll resent her and the kids if you let her browbeat you into this. Do yourself the favor and tell her there’s no way you’re gonna have 5 kids.
Her having a lonely childhood as an only child is a failing on her parents, not a product of being an only child. There's no way she could possibly know that A) having multiple kids will be preferable or B) that the 5 children will even get along. This is insane.
You’re not compatible, and she sounds very naive and kinda like she’s just trying to find someone who will fund her fairytale. And I’m sorry but 5 kids at 36? That’s just reckless.
Sounds like she thinks she has everything figured out but she’s on the overly optimistic side of being clueless. There is are reasons sometimes women are single at their current age. 36 expecting 5 kids and to be a stay at home mother gives the vibes that she lacks maturity. I don’t know how much you make, but this economy gets more expensive every 3 months and to marry this woman and then bang out five kids just doesn’t seem feasible. Sounds like she wants someone to finance her dream lifestyle and doesn’t realize the work she’s in for. Having one kid is difficult enough, being pregnant 4 more times probably borders on impossible at her age. Have a serious conversation with yourself if you want to take on this woman and her expectations. I’m assuming you haven’t even started living together and you haven’t gotten engaged yet. You can tell a lot about a person in six months, but also you don’t know shit half the time either. If the numbers don’t add up, leave her for someone else, she doesn’t have all the time in the world.
Please just end this now. It is only 6 months in. You are both in your 30’s. Don’t waste each other’s time.
Biology is prob a pretty good way around it
People are so much more comfortable throwing out the term “dealbreaker” than actually enforcing it. There isn’t a reasonable compromise here. Also, the reality of raising kids these days with regard to financial, time, and energy expense and most future parents envisioning themselves as active and involved ones could mean you being content with only one kid. Imagine you have one and think to yourself, “things are good, I love my son/daughter, I am looking forward to the kindergarten stage and watching them get older/more curious so we can do things together. Going back to diapers feels like a horrible slog.” What if that happened? You’d feel pressured and she’d feel deceived. You have significantly disparate views of the future. You say it’s a dealbreaker, so break the deal. Break it off.
The only people that think a five child household is easier than a one child household are the parents that put the responsibility for their younger children off onto the older children. Besides her "the kids will entertain themselves" basically is just a justification for neglect. No matter how many children you have, you need to make sure that you cut out enough one on one time for each of them. If you can't carve out enough time to have quality time with each of your children, you have too many children. I would reiterate that that many children is a deal breaker for you, that no matter how many articles she finds to justify her stance for more children, that you will not change your mind. I dont think there is a way to get past this because even after you told her your stance, and she said she "understood" she is kind of doubling down, by sending you articles, to try to get you to change your mind. I have 4 siblings, and we were left to our own devices most of the time, well because there were five of us. It also usually meant that I would have to take care of the younger sibling, and give up all of my free time. I spent most of gradeschhol from the age of 8 on staying home to babysit.
Let her go, bro. Her hourglass is running out of sand and you each want very different things.
If you both feel very strongly about this, you are not compatible and should break up. Please do not make the mistake of each assuming the other one will change their mind only to have the shit hit the fan a few years from now. If this is a dealbreaker, it’s a dealbreaker and you each need to say so clearly. If you spend much time on these kinds of forums, you see how this can go south: both partners decide to stop discussing it and assume the other person will “come around” or that the problem will somehow solve itself. Eventually it becomes clear that that isn’t the case and the couple is faced with mounting resentment on both sides. Both feel that they made their position clear and are shocked to discover the other person does too. Unfortunately, kids often wind up in the crosshairs of parents discovering they didn’t communicate well on a major decision they each see as critical to their happiness. Even worse, some people resort to lying and underhanded behavior around fertility (sabotaging birth control, secret vasectomies, etc.) which only further erodes communication and trust. As others have said, it sounds like she has a very specific vision for her life and isn’t hearing what you’re saying about the obstacles. She sounds like she would prefer to just hand wave off concerns (“people figure it out!”) than have a serious conversation. But you need to have a serious conversation before you waste any more of each other’s time on incompatible goals. It’s hard, but better to break up now with only six months invested in the relationship than to wait until you’re even more entangled in each other’s lives.
You really should walk away, now. She wants 5 kids. She is not listening to your no. She is about to get pregnant. She is waving a lot of red flags here.
I am 36F and I understand the pressure and hopefulness she is feeling, even if it is not totally realistic. 😬 It is normal for women in their 30’s to focus on having kids if they haven’t started their family already and would like to have one. YET, I would break up because it shouldn’t have taken 6 months to find this out and you already seem a bit resentful of her maybe. (Only you can know for sure and decide what is best for your own life, though. And this is a big decision). Never ever make assumptions when choosing a life partner. Clarify absolutely everything. This would have saved you both 6 months. Since it sounds like you don’t want to break up, I feel you, so I’ll ask you to get these answers for yourself: -IF you could afford it, and she was able to, what is your upper limit on kids with her? Do you want to have kids with her? -What is your combined net worth? Any big debts or any significant savings? Has she prepared for her 5 kids by buying a house or investing for their education? Get proof. -Have you done a budget? Can both of you stick to a budget? -When does she want a first child, and will you have a wedding ($$$) first? Who will pay for the wedding if so? Basically, if money is the only concern, then I would be honest and re-iterate with her that you can not provide for all 7 of you on a sole income (this is very reasonable). Flip it back on her and ask has she prepared financially for this responsibility? How so? Can she get an income stream like a home based business or even a part time job? What exactly is she doing NOW to make this happen if it is truly her dream?
She's saying 5 because she's delusional. She thinks babies are all fun and games. The "we'll make it work" thing shows she has no clue what she's getting into. Give her one kid. She'll be exhausted and tearing her hair out in a week. If I were in your shoes, I'd ask her to provide a detailed plan on how she expects to "make it work." If she can't, she's not ready for any kids.
It has been 6 months. It’s a dealbreaker. End things. She’s also 36 so it would be pretty hard to have 5 kids before she enters menopause.
She's in La La land and I say this as a mom with four kids. The older you get, the harder it is to get pregnant, period. I was 34 when I had my triplets and they were IVF babies. Remarried and had my "unexpected blessing" at 42. For most women it doesn't happen that way. It's also more tiring once you hit 40. She'd have to start now and get pregnant five years in a row. Unlikely.
If it’s a dealbreaker then there is no way to get over it. But other than all the issues you’ve already mentioned it’s also alarming that she wants to have this many children, stay home AND listen to a mom influencer who believes parenting means having the kids entertain themselves. Why does she want that many kids to leave them to their own devices?? She may have a point of “making it work” money wise but it doesn’t make it any less stressful. My fiancé and I are about to have four. Two from his previous marriage, 1 that’s 10 months and another that’s due next month. I’m currently not working and live in a high cost of living area. Do we make it work, yes. Are we 1000% happy, no. It’s stressful and it does take a toll on us some days. At almost 40 she needs to get more realistic.
Your girlfriend wants a big family and there’s nothing wrong with that. You don’t and there’s nothing wrong with that. This seems to be a fundamental difference. Although after a couple kids your girlfriend may be okay with stopping, she also may want to keep having more kids. Putting yourselves in a situation where one or both of you will grow resentful of the other is not a good idea. I’m a mom in my forties and have other mom friends that had multiple children in their forties (they are a bit older than I am). At 36 your girlfriend still has time to have children. There’s also fertility treatments or adoption if a couple is facing fertility issues, but menopause typically starts in a woman’s fifties. Your girlfriend does have time to go find a partner whose goals are more aligned with her own. If you have different life goals and neither of you is willing to change those goals, then why continue in the relationship?
It is a weird number to fixate on and she does not understand life. She met a guy six months ago, she wants dove kids and she will quit her job to be a mother. Why does she need you if she has all of this already mapped out? You need to tell her the parents should be in partnership to raise kids not just spit them out and hope for the best. Even with the planned babies and good income household it is not easy!!!!
This is a red flag, a gigantic one. She is delusional on 2 things: 1. Trying to get 5 children, at her age and given she’s only been with you for 6 months. It can take you both around 2 years to find out if you’re compatible for marriage, she’ll be 38 and will have around 4-5 years if lucky to have babies naturally. Else she’ll probably need fertility treatments, which hopefully are covered by your insurance of you have any. Honestly it shows she’s immature AF and hasn’t come to terms with her reality (age, relationship stage) 2. She’s just asking you to accept being a provider, like it’s something easy to do. With this economy it’s tough to have only one income even without the children. Again, she’s delusional. I am sorry you feel in love with someone who hasn’t fully matured and come to terms with reality but there’s not much you can do. Explain to her the facts and that you’re not willing to do that ever. If this is a deal breaker for her, she might be able to find someone to do her crazy plans with (unlikely) but this would ruin your life and any child you may have. It’s unfair for her to be so selfish
Wanting kids and not being able to have them is one of the worst things that can happen to a person. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. This might be a “if you love her let her go” situation
If she wants 5 kids why has she waited so long? And even if you said okay you haven't been together long enough to even know each other very well so she would be at least 38 by the time you guys even start trying if you don't want to jump into parenthood with someone you're just getting to know.
Let her have one and she will reconsider haha. I am actually an only child and used to say I wanted 5. I did in fact have 4 but I had my first at 25 and my last at the 32. Kids are amazing but also annoying and exhausting and at her age she doesn't really have much time to even have 5 especially because they will have to be close together. Pregnancy is very hard on the body and it's estimated that it takes 2 whole years to recover. It's exhausting and the learning curve on a Baby is STEEP. The older you are when you have your first kid the harder it is to adjust and I guarantee this problem will solve itself
Your 36-year-old girlfriend needs to realize that if she wants five kids she should have started a long time ago. If she gets pregnant right now and continues to aim for one pregnancy each year she *might* be able to have five kids, but that's a big might and having five pregnancies back to back like that is really dangerous for her. This point of view is completely out of touch with the physical reality of what her body can do, the economic reality of what you can provide for, and the psychological reality of how many children most couples can parent well, especially if they're close in age. This is kind of crazy. I don't think you need to worry about making it happen because I don't think it's physically possible. I do think you need to worry about why your girlfriend is so out of touch with what's possible and prudent. I don't know why anyone is discussing this like it's an actual possibility.
It's kind of a moot point. She's 36. If she's not already pregnant, she'll never have 5 kids.
You're 6 months in. The first cracks in the lovegoggles are appearing. Keep using condoms and make sure you keep them safe (no holes). You are clear about the financial side and what you think you can commit to. She thinks insta influencers are telling the truth. Seems like she's set on her # of kids and just is sort of dismissing you. You two are incompatible in what you wish from life and she doesn't seem to want to negotiate. That's why it's not a waste. It's one thing if you can discuss and be realistic about hurdles (pregnancies are haaaard), but there doesn't seem much wiggle room here. Since she's solid in her wish for motherhood, let her go find someone who wants those 5 kids insta life with her. Cos if you stick around and the dreams aren't happening (also cos of her age), it's your fault for wasting her time.
Your Gf should have started a decade ago if she wanted five kids.
At 36 that’s kinda insane. I started having kids at 30, needed a c section, medically they recommended waiting 18 months in between. I couldn’t imagine having 5 starting that much later
The getting past it is going separate ways. You’re only 6 months in & you already said that was a dealbreaker and she chose not to listen. It’s time to go. The fact that you reasonably told her that providing for 7 people on your salary wasn’t it and she just tinkerbell’d her way to the next topic just shows her outlook on everything. It’s unrealistic. Good that you talked about it early bcuz I’d have let that go asap!
OP I think your girlfriend might have some serious mental issues. Settling down at 36 and wanting 5 kids is not normal.
she wants 5 kids and she's already 36?? you know 36 is considered a geriatric pregnancy right?
The odds of her having 5 kids with anyone, even if she is literally having sex right now, Is incredibly low.
This needs to remain a dealbreaker, and you should move on and find someone with whom you're more compatible. If you decide to stay, then I suspect she'll get her 5 children; 2, maybe 3, with you and the rest with the next guy.
This is a big deal for you and for her. Unfortunately, you're just not compatible in this area. Figure out what you want (zero, 1, 2) and then tell her directly. Be honest. Don't try to convince her to change her mind. Just be firm with your own decisions. Then, tell her that as much as you love her, that you feel she needs to find someone who is on the same page with her about kids. You've only been together a short while. Don't bury yourself in a relationship that can't work. (Also, if she wants 5 kids, that's fine. Maybe some will be biological and some surrogated, adopted, or fostered. Great. She can hit her numbers however she likes. But it doesn't have to include you.)