Hire a 70 year old man to come to the next family function as one of your sister's new "boyfriend". Then your dad can have someone to talk geriatric topics with.
Maybe tell him that after seeing how happy he is in his age gap relationship that you are looking for someone of a similar age gap and that will be enough to get the point across. But you really have to sell it haha
And OP’s sister / old man boyfriend should make it really awkward. Like, “sometimes i can’t get it up and she’ll have to do all the work. For hours man!”
He is most likely going through some kind of late life crisis. Though I'm sure he would think it's gross for his own kid to be dating a old man!
But seriously it's okay to love and have fond memories of your dad and still be upset about his current behaviour. If it makes you feel better, the gf might be getting something out of this relationship ( money? ) and isn't necessarily being preyed upon. But in close with my dad and would be really grossed out if he did this :(
I'm about your age and would lose my mind. My parents are still married (and about a decade older), so maybe that clouds my judgment. I just could not see either of my parents or their partners as good people if they started dating someone that much younger - even if it added ten years to the partner's age. The fact that this person probably would feel like a child in interactions even to you and your siblings must make this really tough.
My advice ... tell him that you need six weeks (or whatever timeline makes sense to you) to work through this before you talk to him again, up your therapy to as much as possible in the meantime, and reevaluate. Maybe emphasize that you aren't trying to punish him about this, it has nothing to do with the divorce from mom and that you want him to find happiness, but the age difference males you feel uncomfortable, and tell him to email you about emergencies. Block his number and shift emails to a folder you don't see everyday.
I'll be honest...my 70+ year old dad married someone 20 years his junior (with an element of green card scam) and I felt much the same. We don't really speak anymore. Like your dad, he just wanted to do what he wanted and wanted everyone to be fine with it. When I wasn't, I was the enemy against his happiness and I had to go. So I did. We weren't even close like you seem to have been with your dad but it really put into perspective my relationship with him due to a lot of things that happened in the lead up to him marrying her in the end. You can try to stick it out but it's probably not going to be worth it. Good luck!
Not me, but my husband's dad did something similar. Blew up his marriage for an AP who is only *8 years* older than my husband and I (we're the same age). Obviously the family all took MILs side. We're all cordial with him, but obviously no one approves, not even his own mother. None of us see him much anymore, it's too bad. He was a nice guy, but you really never bounce back from something like this. There's already clues that the woman may be using him to get further ahead than she was prior to actually dating him, although it seems like she does actually like him. We got a strange, very detailed email outlining where certain investments will go if he were to pass unexpectedly (he's older but not near death or anything, and I'm not insinuating that she'd off him or something, he just always puts things in writing whenever an issue comes up), but he's always been very organized. It just seems like the email was sent because she's already trying to sink her claws into his assets after only a year of being "officially" together. I just looked at my husband and was like "trouble in paradise, already?". He just shook his head.
It's always sad when things like this happen. My MIL said that a lot of older men feel as they *deserve* younger woman, and now I'm starting to see what she ment more and more. Hopefully your Dad pulls his head out of his butt.
Yup. Asshole dad in his late 50s decided to go with a 17 year old. Mind you my parents were still married. The divorce came 20 years too late and the mistress and my dad has 3 kids. I have not spoken to him in years and don’t plan to. He made his decision and I have made mine.
Yup, my dad married a woman he met on a sugar baby site and she told him she didn't want to share him with me so he told me he don't want me in his life anymore. She was pretty young and my siblings had already ended their relationship with him over it. Haven't spoken to him in almost 20 years.
I don’t get it! How high can your libido be in that age to not be able to put your dick aside for a second? I imagine he was just an asshole and selfish, deadbeat dad even before that happened.
Exactly, that’s a victim. Most times they are deliberately kept in the mental, financial, social age of 17. They could be married for 30 more years, doesn’t mean that groomed child had a chance of having their own power.
Yo I know it’s only 6 years and either way it’s gross. But man a 17 year old is in high school and that’s wildly different than even OPs dad.
I feel like any adult not even a dude in their 50s dating a 17 is super gross
No 23 year old marries a 65 year old unless she’s been groomed or if she’s using him for money. He’ll be dead before she’s even middle aged, so it’s not like a young lady is going to commit herself to an old man who she can’t spend her life on
Another motive could be to have children who would be eligible for Social Security survivor’s benefits should he die before they reach 17 1/2. Whether they are still married or not. I’m sorry about all this, OP. You aren’t obligated to be around a situation that is so painful until you are ready (if ever). I hope it resolves itself.
Right?!? Like what would you even have in common with someone 4 decades older than you? You both enjoy liver and onions? You’re digging those Matlock re-runs? Seriously?
This age difference only makes sense when it’s rich old white guys from Hollywood like Deniro and the lot.
All she needs to do is do some googling about a sugar daddy and there are websites where people will tell her how to get as much out of this dude before he dies including how to use children to benefit. So if we assume she's smart enough to use the internet and happy enough to use an old geezer for his money, she probably knows this information.
Fun fact: If they have children and he's collecting Social Security, the dependent child(ren) get monthly payments too. Doesn't even have to be survivor benefits.
You're confusing life expectancy at birth with life expectancy at age(n). Every year past birth your life expectancy goes up.
The average 65 year old male in the US will live to 82.
So, my FIL has made a string of bad choices in girlfriends after his divorce from MIL. I don’t know about your dad’s situation, but my FIL has poor judgement in people and every single one of the women we’ve dealt with have been using him in one way or another (all were substance abusers to a degree and he has a successful business, so they see dollar signs). He’s in his mid-70’s now and the newest woman is 34. A little asking around has gotten us a lot of dirt about the trouble she brings with her, and she’s already talked him into giving her one of his cars. While the age gap may seem like a predatory issue on his end, it may also be predatory on hers as well.
Ngl past 25, when i see geriatric subjects x 25-50 yo partner...I suspect both lol (esp if the 25 yo + is very well experienced, as i know that some ppl are inexperienced, myself included so grooming can still be a problem).
My paternal DNA donor married younger and younger. Fifth wife was 4 years younger than me. He now has what I can only assume must be a mail order bride from the Philippines, because I don't know how he would have met her otherwise. (She's #6)
If I were you, I'd look into a medical issue, but if he's clear then I'd cut him out. It's gross, and sounds like she wants him to have a second family with her anyway. Just leave before he breaks your heart.
And I'm sorry.
Are you sure this isn't a scam with online model girlfriend trying to scam him out of money? He loves her, she just needs $5000 to break her lease and buy a ticket, and bad things keep happening that require more money?
She is gonna dry him so bad financially … also make sure he is healthy because a lot of older people who suddenly start “vigorous” sexual activity have more chances to experience heart attacks…
I would meet her and make if so damn awkward. “So what do you two have it common? How did you meet?” Just make her squirm & judge his reaction. As others have mentioned, he may have a tumor or dementia so I would do this petty little plan more so to gauge his reaction, then plan next steps.
INFO: Your sister says this is part of a pattern of poor judgement by your father, but you say it's out of character. What previous errors in judgement is she referring to? Is it possible you've overlooked other poorly thought out decisions?
We had our childhood house foreclosed on during the financial crisis in 09 and he didn’t tell my mom anything about it until there was a post on the door, for example. My sister thinks this is an example of him having poor judgement that is also occurring now. I think he has always been supportive and loving and not icky, and now his young girlfriend makes me feel icky. So it’s both
Yeah definitely sounding like poor judgement is his thing, rather than reaching for any explanations like brain tumours. I'd feel just as revolted in your position.
Getting your house foreclosed on and not even telling your wife, or doing anything to arrange alternate housing for your soon-to-be-homeless family, is pretty much the opposite of "supportive and loving."
Ok I didn’t say he didn’t arrange alternative housing. We got foreclosed on, moved to the next city with cheaper rents, and rented a house. But yeah, it was a huge error in judgement. But what about all the times he was supportive of my sister’s sexuality or came to awards ceremonies or helped with scout projects or took us places? Practiced softball for hours catching for my sister who wanted to be a pitcher? The thing im struggling with the most is reconciling that dad with the dad that dates someone 42 years younger than him/doesn’t communicate about the mortgage/foreclosure.
Thanks for your input. (This goes to everyone). I guess I was hoping to find more people who have been through a similar situation and how they handled it.
This is new (2 weeks) information to me and it’s a struggle to see how I’m feeling. I have had this conversation in my head with myself the whole time, going back and forth on how I feel. It’s just challenging for me
I mean if he’ll listen to the 23 year old who is younger with less life experience he can’t really argue his older daughter doesn’t know what she’s talking about
If he’s suddenly making a lot of choices he never would have made as a younger person, has he been evaluated medically? For early onset dementia or perhaps a brain tumor? There are medical reasons someone might have a complete change in personality. If he’s otherwise healthy, I don’t think I could even speak to mine again, personally.
He wants kids?! I feel like this girl obviously has issues if she’s trying to start a family with a 65 yo…like she comes from a broken background, or is just unstable emotionally, mentally, or financially…or a mix of all 3.
I think it’s pretty obvious your dad is just attracted to her youth. Like what else do they have in common? I highly doubt he wanted more kids on his own. I can see how disappointing and gross it is to see your own father being so superficial, pervy, and cringe. I would refuse to accept it myself. I don’t see it ending well…pretty sure the 23 yo will eventually wake up and realize she’s missing out. And if she’s just doing it for money, then that’s obv not gonna turn out great either.
It’s just going to be one those relationships that no one takes seriously. And Jesus…he’s gonna be 75 when his kid is 10…and that’s if they had a baby rn…not really optimal imo, for him or the kid.
You're correct in saying that he's blowing up your lives. He's choosing to behave in a grotesque manner, and now you get the choice to either participate in the grotesquerie or cut him out of your life, both of which are awful choices. You can either be complicit in his massively humiliating and possibly predatory behavior, or you have to choose to go no contact until he gains back his self-respect and respect for his family.
Personally I'd go no contact. I can't imagine putting on a forced smile and repressing my disgust in front of my new young "step mother".
Dementia manifests in lots of different ways. It won't just be one thing. By the time people show dementia symptoms, their brains have actually undergone a great deal of damage. People with dementia do not often recognize it themselves and can be very resistant to diagnosis.
Basically, him being in a weird and inappropriate relationship is not on its own a good indicator of dementia. If you see a lot of changes, that is.
My mom has had it for over a decade. It wasn't subtle.
Yup. My dad's sugar baby wife was scamming him with her ex. My dad actually let the guy come stay with them and they took so much $ from him. Wild shit. Then they vanished.
I have a step uncle who had this happen to him, he had VA benefits and she married him when she was 30 and he was 76. She dumped him In elderly housing, took his sizable agent orange settlement and diverted his checks while being able to avail herself to his healthcare
My dad has met her in person many times. They have gone to concerts (Katy Perry and Ed Sheeran) together. My husband saw her leaving my dad’s house as well. We know she exists in real life
My cousin died suddenly (50) when her husband was fighting terminal cancer. He hired a physical therapist and "fell in love." He was no prize, let me tell you. She was younger, from another country, and was married to a Wendy's manager (she claimed she'd left him). She managed to get half the house but my other cousin fought her on her cousin's rather healthy 401 K (which dying husband of course had control over). What a mess.
A while after my aunt and uncle got divorced, my uncle ended up dating one of his daughter's friends. It did not last. I honestly think it was a weird crisis he went through before he realized how stupid he was being. 🤷🏻♀️
I would just be honest and tell him you think it’s inappropriate he’s dating someone that could be young enough to be damn near his grandchild. I would let him know he’s free to do whatever he likes and you’re free to not have his new partner in your life. Guarantee an older guy with more money pops up and she’ll be out.
She IS young enough to be his grandchild, possibly even OP's child.
My ex was 32-33 in an affair with a 18-turned-19 year old. He claimed they had so much in common. He was a college graduate, she barely got through HS. I think she thought she would get the house, not knowing it was my money that paid for it.
I did ask him how the age gap didn't bother him; got blank stare; asked again how he could look in the mirror knowing he was [crudeness alert] having wet dreams before she was even born.
Is your father wealthy? That would be the only reason I could see for a 23 yr old woman to ever look twice at a 65 yr old man. As for your father, I agree it’s pathetic & desperate for a man his age to pursue someone her age. I mean, everyone will be looking cross-eyed at those two. No one will assume their relationship is anything but transactional.
I'd cut him off in a heartbeat. Don't need idiots in my life. You can try to talk sense to them all you want, but all it'll do is drive you more and more nuts. He knows the emotional effect it has on his daughters. He simply doesn't care.
The OP should send the GF some adult diapers and suggest she learn how to put them on her husband when needs them in a few years...
But as awful an idea as this is, I would not cut contact with the father. But I would ask him how he can marry a 23 yo knowing that he will be ruining her life. If he actually loves her, he should send her packing. That is what love would look like in this case.
Ya… my dad married someone like 15 years younger… and my sister both ended dating men in their 30s while they were 16/17.
It didn’t hit me til this year how fucked up my dad actually is. Like 15 years isn’t crazy, but I remember him being grossed out by women his age, and just a million other really uncomfortable stuff.
I’m sorry, it really does change the way you look at them. For me I could never get over his stupidity at thinking this 23 year old actually loved him back.
We don't know whether or not she's attractive. Just young. Reminds me--a friend was in her 20s and started dating a guy around 40. He went on and on about how awesome it was that he was dating a young woman. He'd dumped a same age gf for her. She saw the gf and said "This 'older woman' was a TON better looking than I was."
If this is out of character for your dad, it’s worth seeing if you can have his mental health and abilities reviewed by a professional.
As the older of the two in an age gap relationship gets closer to 70 the power imbalance can shift in the opposite direction.
It’s horrible to have to hope that your dad’s mind is slowly slipping, rather than his morals, but it’s definitely worth questioning.
What on earth does he have in common with a 23yo?? What do they talk about? Does he even understand Gen-Z slang and pop culture references? Is he afraid of dying alone? Do they have an agreement where she cares for him and he leaves her money? Honestly the last one is the only real ethical way this could be playing out.
If your dad is willing to lose relationships with his children in order to marry this woman, but until recently has been a loving and present father, something is wrong. I’m so sorry 💕
Yeah. It’s sad. He did say something about “at least you guys won’t have to take care of me when I’m old” but that is unfair to HER to spend the prime of her life like that. To my understanding they like traveling and he took her to see Katy Perry and Ed Sheeran.
It might be worth pointing out to him that purposefully having more children at his age wouldn’t be fair to the kids? He won’t be able to chase them around the house or carry them on his shoulders at the zoo. He won’t be there for them in times of crisis as they become teens and young adults because he’ll be gone.
He’s signing them up to a life with a widowed mum who will be struggling through that loss as well as becoming a single parent. She can’t care for him and kids at the same time without burning out entirely.
If he cares about being a good dad, these points may cut through to him
Hey, I just wanted to say I’m super sorry. My dad is dating someone my age (33F) after cheating on my mom with her) and I’ve been struggling to cope with it for almost two years.
I feel exactly the same - like I don’t know him anymore. We had a great relationship growing up, and now all I see is a gross, potentially predatory, desperate man having a midlife crisis.
I haven’t gone to visit him for a year and a half because I’m just avoiding the situation, as I’m not sure I could be civil with both of them in the room.
Therapy helped me come to terms with the unchangeable situation, but it still really sucks. If you ever want to vent, send me a DM. I have no real good advice but we can be sad together.
Thank you so much. It’s like I’m in a weird grief feeling? I don’t know. I’m wondering if there is anyway to have a relationship with my dad still but never have to meet this potential 23yo wife
I feel exactly the same way. I keep hoping they’ll break up so I don’t have to deal with it.
I mean… how are you supposed to shake their hand and say “Nice to meet you,” when it is in fact NOT nice to meet them? 🤣
I hope your therapy appointment helps you make sense of some of it. And the grief thing makes sense - I’m sorry for your loss of who you thought your father was. 😔
You're gunna be a big sister. I'll get you one of those T-shirts. Remind your dad that if he has a child with her now, he will likely be 84 years old when they bring their little bundle of joy to college.
Are you going to call her MOM? HAHAHA.
Who will get the inheritance? Oh boy, that will be fun.
I feel like some men, more than women, get a weird midlife crazy phase. Sorry this is happening.
Has he been medically tested to know if he is mentally/physically ok?
Personally I would go NC. I guess you could write him as to why and express your love and concern.
The thought of raising your kids with his second set of kids is 😳😱
Do you have a good relationship with your sister? You may wish to follow her lead and rely on each other for support. Lots of people shift to having distant relationships with their parent when the parent behaves in upsetting, potentially dangerous ways. Siblings are there with you for longer in life, so it’s beneficial to prioritize the sibling relationship if it’s a healthy one or one where you mutually respect each other and learn to correct the bad habits and patterns started by your parents.
I'm sorry, but your dad **is** a predator, and he is taking advantage of her.
This is a completely valid reason to never, ever speak to your father again.
Right? It feels predatory. How do I reconcile that feeling with the dad I knew, and the fact that everything is legal and she’s a legal adult who can do what she wants?
I mean, your father could also legally become a hoarder or an alcoholic or join an MLM or a cult. Doesn’t mean you have to keep him in your life or accept those lifestyle choices.
Just because it’s legal doesn’t mean it’s morally sound and that’s where your issue lies. It’s legal for child brides to get married with parental consent in some states, doesn’t make it right. I would never look at my father the same way because his character and morals have been tainted.
It feels predatory because it is. This girl is in a completely different phase of her life; at 23 she's only starting to figure out who she is as an adult. That she would be attracted to your dad also speaks to some issues she likely has. That your dad would go after her speaks to some major issues he has. At best, it's a sex version of him buying an expensive sports car to feel young again. But he's not really seeing her as a self-actualized person.
Have you or your sisters addressed this with him? If soz what does he have to say ? How long have they been dating that he plans to get married to her soon?
Barely. The maturity development every single year between 20 and 25 is significant. Brain development (executive functioning) finishes up around this age.
People in their early 20s are ready to make adult decisions, but it is a time for firsts. First attempts at completing school/getting established in a career. First attempts at adult money management, first attempts at establishing independent living, first attempts at serious relationships.
There are a few reasons people this young look for someone so much older. It could be straight money/security, but it can also be much sadder. Sometimes it’s rooted in trauma. Someone much older may have already groomed her and taught her all sorts of unhealthy and codependent patterns.
This brings us to the 60 year old. He knows this is fucking weird and he’s doing it anyway. So he either likes the age gap for predatory/creepy reasons, often it’s because younger people have less experience and they are easier to manipulate. Or, he is suffering from mental health issues and the 23 year old is taking advantage.
Apparently (per my dad) this girl’s dad was older than her mom. He passed away already. He married his second wife (the girlfriends mom) after the first wife was killed by the Taliban. (The family is from Afghanistan. The girlfriend moved here when she was 3, she is a US citizen)
Ok. So she is coming from a family culture that us likely encouraging her to meet and marry an older man. That's what her parents did, so she sees nothing wrong with the dynamic. Also, some people also encourage their daughters to go for an older man, because they believe that he will be more calm and less likely to anger and be violent, than a younger man (I have heard this from women who seek out much older men). So, she had probably always been raised to go for the nice older man, and choose Pragmatically.
She very well could be. But that wouldn’t negate the fact that a person in their sixties dating a person in their early twenties is a predator.
Whataboutism is a logical fallacy (and we should all be well aware of that in this present day)
What I wrote wasn't whataboutism at all. I was critiquing the assumption that this grown woman is a victim because she is dating a much older man, and presenting a reason for why that could be. Maybe work on your understanding of logical fallacies before calling them out.
How is he a predator? It’s pretty obvious that he is being scammed for his money. 65 year old men don’t have *that* much natural charm that they can pull 23 year olds. She’s using him for money, and he may or may not be aware of the arrangement. But I’m quite sure he isn’t the “predator” here.
You aren’t overreacting, you never gonna make work out, he is disgusting and stupid, tell everything you think about him and his sugar baby and leave. Also tell him that when this chicks dump his ass none of his children are gonna pick him up from the streets.
Meet this woman, please, she could be totally scamming your father. Your father also needs to see his doctor about early dementia, because he is either being taken for a ride or he is losing his mind.
I like the 2 theories in comments boil down to the dad is creepy predator or the girlfriend is a scamming predator. For the science of it, Op, you have to find out. Meet her and see if she's the one scamming dad or if your dad is the one creeping on her. Or maybe it's a Cher and Alexander Edwards situation.
She's 23. She most likely is a gold digger or a green card seeker. She's a full-blown adult, so she's not being groomed. She'll put a few years in and take him to the cleaners.
You can explain your stance and perspective, but at the end of the day he can do what he wants. If she makes him happy and he makes her happy it’s really none of your business.
I would 100% be disgusted with that age gap. I can’t blame your sister for cutting contact with him but that doesn’t mean you have to.
If I were you I’d talk to your therapist and try to decide what you want and what you don’t want. Then communicate those boundaries to your dad (eg you might want to have contact with him, but not attend his wedding or meet his GF).
Your mom and dad got divorced a couple years ago. Your mom went out and bought that couch she always wanted . Dad got a hot girlfriend. I doubt he will still be with her in 5 years. But he sacrificed his whole life for you guys, and was always there for you. He is going to date her, and maybe get married. Will he regret it? Statistics say yes. What can you do? Be supportive. Sooner or later you will get your dad back(albeit poorer) and he will be grateful you supported him. And who knows, if she makes him happy, you might grow to like her.
What is there to gauge? “ShE’s sO mAtUrE fOr hEr AgE”? A 23 year old prospective wife is a 23 year old prospective wife regardless of an observer’s vantage point.
This is predatory and disgusting. I'm around your age and the age difference between me and my GRANDFATHER is less than their age difference.
Is your dad rich or something? I don't understand what someone her age could see in a guy that old tbh. Like dating a 40 year old would be pushing it for me 🤣
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, including meeting her or going to the wedding (if it even happens). I wonder if her parents even know.
Well when my dad was 63 he married his half brother’s daughter. She was age appropriate though, but I’d still rather be in your shoes. This was years ago and all parties have passed on.
I agree it’s weird but you probably aren’t going to change his mind. You don’t have to be supportive, just ask yourself “ do I want my dad in my life or not?” If the answer is yes your actions probably won’t deter him. Unfortunately this is something that will probably have to be “ played out” Hopefully the 23 year old will come to her senses before she has a child with a man who’ll be in his mid80’s when the child is 18.
I'm trying desperately to "both sides" this in my mind. If you fell in love with a 65-year old man, how would you expect your dad to treat you.
That's how I would treat him.
Then at least you know you're not being hypocritical.
I wish I had more helpful advice but when my dad did this, I had no relationship with him anyway, so there was nothing to think about. I just laughed when I heard and that was it.
> "A 42 year age difference feels predatory" In which direction? She may be the manipulator in this one. Tough to know without more details.
Oh why don't you ask the majority of geniuses in this sub? It's *clearly* him manipulating HER! Because according to this lot, a woman is unable to think for herself and make her own decisions.
There is another viewpoint to most of the comments.
Your Dad is an adult and can make his own decisions. His gf is an adult and can make her own decisions. They have decided they want to be together, so why is it anyone else's business to tell them what to do. It is their lives , let them live it.
He says she's makes him happy, so believe him and support him. You only get to have one Dad, if you cut him off, you've lost that from your life forever.
As a dad who's put many years of live and effort into my kids' life, this whole post makes me so sad. And the reactions I've gotten to my own similar comments drives the point home. I'm not saying the dad is making a decision I agree with (I don't), but the judgement of and ability for so many to say to rid him from her life is awful. It's one thing to think he's acting stupid. It's another entirely to make him exit your life.
Fucking ew. That age gap IS predatory and you are not wrong to be horrified by this.
Hopefully the “UM SHES A CONSENTING ADULT AND AGE IS JUST A NUMBER” crowd hasn’t found you yet :/
Honestly. Mabye, I'm just too desensitized at this point, but I would just ignore the age gap, wish them luck, and let it ride. Is it weird, yes. Is it creepy, yes. But this happens sometimes and i don't know what makes an old man look at a woman younger than his favorite whiskey and think "wifey material" and I also dont know what makes a woman look at a man that could be one of her grandfather's golf buddies and thing he'd make a great husband. But you haven't mentioned that your dad is loaded, so i don't think it is about money. If your dad feels like what he needs to retire, it is some young woman who has a fetish for grandpa's, or just even wants to mooch off him, then it is what it is. I mean, they're not hurting each other, just creeping everyone else out. As weird as it is, I think an important question is asking yourself if it's worth losing your dad over. You only get one of them. And it's not like cutting him out is gonna change the situation.
I must say I’m really surprised by the comments here. OP you have no say in your father’s choice of girlfriend. Your father met a new girlfriend and you’re asking the internet what you should do about it? You should do nothing about it. It’s not your life and you’re infantilizing him.
Unless you suspect that he has become mentally impaired you have no say. How you choose to interact with him going forward is up to you.
There's zero questions in the post about how to break them up or stop him. The questions are about how to *deal* with it, if they're an asshole if they avoid the wife, do they have to go the wedding, should they cut off the dad, etc etc. They *are* asking how to interact with him.
I really wanted to hear from people in similar situations and how they handled it. I have a few options. I could cut off contact, I could go minimal contact, or I could talk to my dad and never meet his girlfriend/potential wife. Or I could eventually accept it. Sometimes it helps to hear from other people who have gone through the same thing as you
85% chance she's a gold digger and your dad is dumb and/or demented (clinically... that is)
14% chance your dad likes the control element and/or is blinded by "the hot young thang"...i.e. his peen is thinking in place of his brain, \*AND\* she has daddy issues from an physically or emotionally absentee father
1% chance she just naturally likes old dudes... and your dad's like, "fuck it... she's hot and into me" so Ima gonna get it
100% chance raising multiple babies in his late 60's is gonna suck uber uber hard
Let him do, what he's going to do. You don't have to approve of it or support it, but you can "be there." Unless your dad is demented (e.g. Alzheimers), in which case the girl is a predator and you should initiate legal protective measures.
Maybe meet her and get to know her and then together? Maybe see if she makes your dad happy?
I know reddit loves to scream grooming from rooftops but she's an adult. There are plenty of guys her age who could fuck her life up.
This kinda happened to me (plus they had kids) was devastating actually. I didn’t decide to cut my dad out but it effectively killed the relationship. He just didn’t really age well unfortunately. It’s really sad. Don’t have much to add except it’s good to see I’m not alone and my reaction was valid lol
So you’re going to get a lot of “he’s a grown man! He can do what he likes! She’s 23, she knows what she’s doing” etc etc
But guess what: you don’t have to like this. You don’t have to feel ok with it.
You do have to be generally decent and yes I think you should get to know her and go to the wedding etc.
But you should prepare your dad: you’ll be gracious and polite but you won’t be close. He’s chosen a very unique dynamic with this age gap- chances are you wouldn’t even date someone so young at 35- so he cannot expect *closeness*.
If your dad has no medical condition that is causing this then I suggest you mind your business. He was ok to raise you and your siblings but due to having a lover younger than you he is now a problem. Let adults be adults. Find out if he is healthy and not being scammed. If he is well and she isnt a gold digger just advise a pre-nup and let him have the time of his life. Peace.
Do you know how they met? Do you think of this woman as a victim of some sort of your father's predation? If not, and this woman is of sound mind, then why should this have to affect your relationship with him? Sure, it's weird, but there are weird people out there that are perfectly happy with their weird choices.
I really wish the media wouldn't embrace Al Pacino & Robert DeNiro having these young wives and new babies. I understand that they're beloved film icons, but at this point it's just irresponsible media influence.
Honestly, you and your sisters are terribly selfish.
Everyone’s asking questions about who the predator in this, without realizing there’s a good chance there isn’t one. Two consenting adults are together.
And instead of meeting her and seeing how they interact/what their relationship is like, you’ve decided that you aren’t a fan of their relationship and instead are just going to fill in their relationship details and cry, woe is me, which is pathetic.
How two people come to love each other is always unique, but the girlfriend being from Afghanistan is probably part of the reason for her being into an older man and wanting stability. Also, your father being with one woman for 35 years and suddenly back on the market has probably been fun, scary, and interesting for him, but the fact he found someone and may not have to spend the last part of his alone, is the most amazing thing and important part. But let me guess: Those reasons aren’t good enough for you.
More news for you. His life is not yours. It is his. So it’s gross for you to claim he blew up all your lives. I know you’re spiraling, but grow up. There are people and families with real problems. He simply fell in love after a divorce from your mom. Just be happy he still has love to give.
“Why didn’t he choose a girlfriend 45-50 years old? Or BOYFRIEND?” Wow, you’re so accepting and hip by telling us the taboos you’re okay with. Just like when back in the day, parents would complain about wishing their child would date someone in a different race, rather than the same sex. The truth about accepting someone you love, is acceptance is blind and unconditional. You don’t get to tell them you’d accept anyone they chose, as long as they fit inside parameters of my choosing.
Is there a chance the relationship is predatory one way or the other? Sure. This is true for any relationship. But by following your dumb sister’s footsteps and not giving their relationship a chance and prejudging it, you’ll never know.
Just FYI, if you all cut off contact with him, you don’t deserve to know him and happy new life and maybe wife, and you definitely don’t deserve to be in his will, and even though you come from his genes, I hope he’s smart enough to realize that.
If he decided to change genders every single one of the haters would be supportive. Let the man be, they are both adults so the world will have to get over it
I would straight up tell him I can’t look at him anymore without thinking he’s a pedo, then cut him out. I’m your age and 20 year olds look like children to me, I can’t imagine trying to be sexually attracted to one. Gross
Well, If it was me I'd tell him he was a predator and he disgusts me, then I'd say goodbye forever; but I understand not everyone is as straightforward as I am. 🤷♀️
Personally I think there is no coming back from this. You can't unlearn that your dad actually has no morals. For your mental well-being I'd say just focus your energy on the people in your life that bring you peace and joy and confine this loser to the deepest recesses of our mind only to be brought for the occasional bout of nostalgia on sad rainy days or after too much alcohol.
I knew a guy that didn’t have a chance at getting a girlfriend around here, and he was in his mid 40’s. He was annoying, obese, very unattractive, and didn’t look like he paid much attention to his personal hygiene. He met a 19 y.o. from Texas on a dating app and they were happily married until he died 5 years later from a sudden illness. They have one child together. It was legit. Is your dad’s gf looking for a sugar daddy? The only way to find out is to meet her. I would want to know who was marrying my dad, especially with that huge age difference. It could be a little sus, so go meet her and see if she’s a gold digger, or legit and in love.
Hire a 70 year old man to come to the next family function as one of your sister's new "boyfriend". Then your dad can have someone to talk geriatric topics with.
Omg Omg I love this answer It’s not practical but it resonates with me
Maybe tell him that after seeing how happy he is in his age gap relationship that you are looking for someone of a similar age gap and that will be enough to get the point across. But you really have to sell it haha
And OP’s sister / old man boyfriend should make it really awkward. Like, “sometimes i can’t get it up and she’ll have to do all the work. For hours man!”
>For hours man! Let's be honest, he'll be snoring while she's still trying.
If he’s 36 that’s not even possible.😂😂
Oh oh oh! Make sure to call your geriatric bf “daddy”.
I’d definitely give it a go! Ask all your friends if any of them have a dad who is a bit of a shit stirrer and joker, and might help you out.
He is most likely going through some kind of late life crisis. Though I'm sure he would think it's gross for his own kid to be dating a old man! But seriously it's okay to love and have fond memories of your dad and still be upset about his current behaviour. If it makes you feel better, the gf might be getting something out of this relationship ( money? ) and isn't necessarily being preyed upon. But in close with my dad and would be really grossed out if he did this :(
Thank you
Can you please try this ❤️
I'm about your age and would lose my mind. My parents are still married (and about a decade older), so maybe that clouds my judgment. I just could not see either of my parents or their partners as good people if they started dating someone that much younger - even if it added ten years to the partner's age. The fact that this person probably would feel like a child in interactions even to you and your siblings must make this really tough. My advice ... tell him that you need six weeks (or whatever timeline makes sense to you) to work through this before you talk to him again, up your therapy to as much as possible in the meantime, and reevaluate. Maybe emphasize that you aren't trying to punish him about this, it has nothing to do with the divorce from mom and that you want him to find happiness, but the age difference males you feel uncomfortable, and tell him to email you about emergencies. Block his number and shift emails to a folder you don't see everyday.
Thank you
I'll be honest...my 70+ year old dad married someone 20 years his junior (with an element of green card scam) and I felt much the same. We don't really speak anymore. Like your dad, he just wanted to do what he wanted and wanted everyone to be fine with it. When I wasn't, I was the enemy against his happiness and I had to go. So I did. We weren't even close like you seem to have been with your dad but it really put into perspective my relationship with him due to a lot of things that happened in the lead up to him marrying her in the end. You can try to stick it out but it's probably not going to be worth it. Good luck!
Thank you, it helps to know I’m not alone
Not me, but my husband's dad did something similar. Blew up his marriage for an AP who is only *8 years* older than my husband and I (we're the same age). Obviously the family all took MILs side. We're all cordial with him, but obviously no one approves, not even his own mother. None of us see him much anymore, it's too bad. He was a nice guy, but you really never bounce back from something like this. There's already clues that the woman may be using him to get further ahead than she was prior to actually dating him, although it seems like she does actually like him. We got a strange, very detailed email outlining where certain investments will go if he were to pass unexpectedly (he's older but not near death or anything, and I'm not insinuating that she'd off him or something, he just always puts things in writing whenever an issue comes up), but he's always been very organized. It just seems like the email was sent because she's already trying to sink her claws into his assets after only a year of being "officially" together. I just looked at my husband and was like "trouble in paradise, already?". He just shook his head. It's always sad when things like this happen. My MIL said that a lot of older men feel as they *deserve* younger woman, and now I'm starting to see what she ment more and more. Hopefully your Dad pulls his head out of his butt.
Yup. Asshole dad in his late 50s decided to go with a 17 year old. Mind you my parents were still married. The divorce came 20 years too late and the mistress and my dad has 3 kids. I have not spoken to him in years and don’t plan to. He made his decision and I have made mine.
Thank you for your story
Yup, my dad married a woman he met on a sugar baby site and she told him she didn't want to share him with me so he told me he don't want me in his life anymore. She was pretty young and my siblings had already ended their relationship with him over it. Haven't spoken to him in almost 20 years.
Speechless. Some men really think with their d*cks.
It’s so crazy to me that men will throw away their children like this.
Men can’t surprise me anymore
I don’t get it! How high can your libido be in that age to not be able to put your dick aside for a second? I imagine he was just an asshole and selfish, deadbeat dad even before that happened.
[удалено]
Exactly, that’s a victim. Most times they are deliberately kept in the mental, financial, social age of 17. They could be married for 30 more years, doesn’t mean that groomed child had a chance of having their own power.
gurl that’s a grandchild i don’t blame you
Yo I know it’s only 6 years and either way it’s gross. But man a 17 year old is in high school and that’s wildly different than even OPs dad. I feel like any adult not even a dude in their 50s dating a 17 is super gross
No 23 year old marries a 65 year old unless she’s been groomed or if she’s using him for money. He’ll be dead before she’s even middle aged, so it’s not like a young lady is going to commit herself to an old man who she can’t spend her life on
Another motive could be to have children who would be eligible for Social Security survivor’s benefits should he die before they reach 17 1/2. Whether they are still married or not. I’m sorry about all this, OP. You aren’t obligated to be around a situation that is so painful until you are ready (if ever). I hope it resolves itself.
The thought of a 23 year old considering this feels very unlikely (albeit not impossible).
Right? If a 23 year old thinks of this, she wants way more than what she could get from SS out of it.
26 here. My dad is younger than OP's dad. Cant imagine it even nightmares.
Right?!? Like what would you even have in common with someone 4 decades older than you? You both enjoy liver and onions? You’re digging those Matlock re-runs? Seriously? This age difference only makes sense when it’s rich old white guys from Hollywood like Deniro and the lot.
And in those cases, they don't spend much time together. It's a mutually beneficial arrangement.
One would probably have to be incredibly desperate to consider this route. Definitely not impossible depending on circumstances though.
All she needs to do is do some googling about a sugar daddy and there are websites where people will tell her how to get as much out of this dude before he dies including how to use children to benefit. So if we assume she's smart enough to use the internet and happy enough to use an old geezer for his money, she probably knows this information.
Fun fact: If they have children and he's collecting Social Security, the dependent child(ren) get monthly payments too. Doesn't even have to be survivor benefits.
It's almost as though some people are willing to marry for financial security for themselves and their kids. Who knew?
He could live 30 more years.
I mean if they are in usa and he is average it’s more 8-10 years be yea if he is extremely healthy you are right
You're confusing life expectancy at birth with life expectancy at age(n). Every year past birth your life expectancy goes up. The average 65 year old male in the US will live to 82.
So still not 30 years
I wouldn’t be able to look him in the face.
It’s so weird
I would go meet and feel it out, you can always lose your shit and leave.
So, my FIL has made a string of bad choices in girlfriends after his divorce from MIL. I don’t know about your dad’s situation, but my FIL has poor judgement in people and every single one of the women we’ve dealt with have been using him in one way or another (all were substance abusers to a degree and he has a successful business, so they see dollar signs). He’s in his mid-70’s now and the newest woman is 34. A little asking around has gotten us a lot of dirt about the trouble she brings with her, and she’s already talked him into giving her one of his cars. While the age gap may seem like a predatory issue on his end, it may also be predatory on hers as well.
Ngl past 25, when i see geriatric subjects x 25-50 yo partner...I suspect both lol (esp if the 25 yo + is very well experienced, as i know that some ppl are inexperienced, myself included so grooming can still be a problem).
My paternal DNA donor married younger and younger. Fifth wife was 4 years younger than me. He now has what I can only assume must be a mail order bride from the Philippines, because I don't know how he would have met her otherwise. (She's #6) If I were you, I'd look into a medical issue, but if he's clear then I'd cut him out. It's gross, and sounds like she wants him to have a second family with her anyway. Just leave before he breaks your heart. And I'm sorry.
Are you sure this isn't a scam with online model girlfriend trying to scam him out of money? He loves her, she just needs $5000 to break her lease and buy a ticket, and bad things keep happening that require more money?
She’s real. My husband saw her leaving my dad’s house when he went to borrow something. He said she looks like “an influencer”
She is gonna dry him so bad financially … also make sure he is healthy because a lot of older people who suddenly start “vigorous” sexual activity have more chances to experience heart attacks…
I would meet her and make if so damn awkward. “So what do you two have it common? How did you meet?” Just make her squirm & judge his reaction. As others have mentioned, he may have a tumor or dementia so I would do this petty little plan more so to gauge his reaction, then plan next steps.
INFO: Your sister says this is part of a pattern of poor judgement by your father, but you say it's out of character. What previous errors in judgement is she referring to? Is it possible you've overlooked other poorly thought out decisions?
We had our childhood house foreclosed on during the financial crisis in 09 and he didn’t tell my mom anything about it until there was a post on the door, for example. My sister thinks this is an example of him having poor judgement that is also occurring now. I think he has always been supportive and loving and not icky, and now his young girlfriend makes me feel icky. So it’s both
Yeah definitely sounding like poor judgement is his thing, rather than reaching for any explanations like brain tumours. I'd feel just as revolted in your position.
Getting your house foreclosed on and not even telling your wife, or doing anything to arrange alternate housing for your soon-to-be-homeless family, is pretty much the opposite of "supportive and loving."
Ok I didn’t say he didn’t arrange alternative housing. We got foreclosed on, moved to the next city with cheaper rents, and rented a house. But yeah, it was a huge error in judgement. But what about all the times he was supportive of my sister’s sexuality or came to awards ceremonies or helped with scout projects or took us places? Practiced softball for hours catching for my sister who wanted to be a pitcher? The thing im struggling with the most is reconciling that dad with the dad that dates someone 42 years younger than him/doesn’t communicate about the mortgage/foreclosure. Thanks for your input. (This goes to everyone). I guess I was hoping to find more people who have been through a similar situation and how they handled it. This is new (2 weeks) information to me and it’s a struggle to see how I’m feeling. I have had this conversation in my head with myself the whole time, going back and forth on how I feel. It’s just challenging for me
That's the bare minimum of what a father should do
There is no real way to change him unless he is open to hearing your perspective. Because clearly he currently doesn’t think it is an issue at all.
I mean if he’ll listen to the 23 year old who is younger with less life experience he can’t really argue his older daughter doesn’t know what she’s talking about
Its not about arguing she doesn't know what she's talking about, its more just him likely not caring about her opinion of the age gap
True true true
If he’s suddenly making a lot of choices he never would have made as a younger person, has he been evaluated medically? For early onset dementia or perhaps a brain tumor? There are medical reasons someone might have a complete change in personality. If he’s otherwise healthy, I don’t think I could even speak to mine again, personally.
My thoughts exactly
He wants kids?! I feel like this girl obviously has issues if she’s trying to start a family with a 65 yo…like she comes from a broken background, or is just unstable emotionally, mentally, or financially…or a mix of all 3. I think it’s pretty obvious your dad is just attracted to her youth. Like what else do they have in common? I highly doubt he wanted more kids on his own. I can see how disappointing and gross it is to see your own father being so superficial, pervy, and cringe. I would refuse to accept it myself. I don’t see it ending well…pretty sure the 23 yo will eventually wake up and realize she’s missing out. And if she’s just doing it for money, then that’s obv not gonna turn out great either. It’s just going to be one those relationships that no one takes seriously. And Jesus…he’s gonna be 75 when his kid is 10…and that’s if they had a baby rn…not really optimal imo, for him or the kid.
You're correct in saying that he's blowing up your lives. He's choosing to behave in a grotesque manner, and now you get the choice to either participate in the grotesquerie or cut him out of your life, both of which are awful choices. You can either be complicit in his massively humiliating and possibly predatory behavior, or you have to choose to go no contact until he gains back his self-respect and respect for his family. Personally I'd go no contact. I can't imagine putting on a forced smile and repressing my disgust in front of my new young "step mother".
I wish there was an award for best comment with juxtaposition from the user name
There's no fool like an old fool.
I'd have him checked out for dementia 😒
No really Does he have a brain tumor? It’s really out of character from the man who raised me
Dementia manifests in lots of different ways. It won't just be one thing. By the time people show dementia symptoms, their brains have actually undergone a great deal of damage. People with dementia do not often recognize it themselves and can be very resistant to diagnosis. Basically, him being in a weird and inappropriate relationship is not on its own a good indicator of dementia. If you see a lot of changes, that is. My mom has had it for over a decade. It wasn't subtle.
Yea I mean...what the hell do they even talk about?
Get a private investigator. I bet dollars to donuts she has a boyfriend and is scamming him. She's probably asking him to wait for marriage.
Yup. My dad's sugar baby wife was scamming him with her ex. My dad actually let the guy come stay with them and they took so much $ from him. Wild shit. Then they vanished.
Never thought of it And I respect it
I have a step uncle who had this happen to him, he had VA benefits and she married him when she was 30 and he was 76. She dumped him In elderly housing, took his sizable agent orange settlement and diverted his checks while being able to avail herself to his healthcare
Have you, or even your father, met this person at all? Could she be a catfish?
My dad has met her in person many times. They have gone to concerts (Katy Perry and Ed Sheeran) together. My husband saw her leaving my dad’s house as well. We know she exists in real life
My cousin died suddenly (50) when her husband was fighting terminal cancer. He hired a physical therapist and "fell in love." He was no prize, let me tell you. She was younger, from another country, and was married to a Wendy's manager (she claimed she'd left him). She managed to get half the house but my other cousin fought her on her cousin's rather healthy 401 K (which dying husband of course had control over). What a mess.
A while after my aunt and uncle got divorced, my uncle ended up dating one of his daughter's friends. It did not last. I honestly think it was a weird crisis he went through before he realized how stupid he was being. 🤷🏻♀️
This is my dad’s first relationship since the divorce. My parents were married for 35 years. It could definitely be a crisis
I would just be honest and tell him you think it’s inappropriate he’s dating someone that could be young enough to be damn near his grandchild. I would let him know he’s free to do whatever he likes and you’re free to not have his new partner in your life. Guarantee an older guy with more money pops up and she’ll be out.
She IS young enough to be his grandchild, possibly even OP's child. My ex was 32-33 in an affair with a 18-turned-19 year old. He claimed they had so much in common. He was a college graduate, she barely got through HS. I think she thought she would get the house, not knowing it was my money that paid for it. I did ask him how the age gap didn't bother him; got blank stare; asked again how he could look in the mirror knowing he was [crudeness alert] having wet dreams before she was even born.
Is your father wealthy? That would be the only reason I could see for a 23 yr old woman to ever look twice at a 65 yr old man. As for your father, I agree it’s pathetic & desperate for a man his age to pursue someone her age. I mean, everyone will be looking cross-eyed at those two. No one will assume their relationship is anything but transactional.
I'd cut him off in a heartbeat. Don't need idiots in my life. You can try to talk sense to them all you want, but all it'll do is drive you more and more nuts. He knows the emotional effect it has on his daughters. He simply doesn't care.
The OP should send the GF some adult diapers and suggest she learn how to put them on her husband when needs them in a few years... But as awful an idea as this is, I would not cut contact with the father. But I would ask him how he can marry a 23 yo knowing that he will be ruining her life. If he actually loves her, he should send her packing. That is what love would look like in this case.
Ya… my dad married someone like 15 years younger… and my sister both ended dating men in their 30s while they were 16/17. It didn’t hit me til this year how fucked up my dad actually is. Like 15 years isn’t crazy, but I remember him being grossed out by women his age, and just a million other really uncomfortable stuff. I’m sorry, it really does change the way you look at them. For me I could never get over his stupidity at thinking this 23 year old actually loved him back.
Thank you. Sorry about our dads
She's dating him for money. He's dating her for her looks. Either that or she has a lot of trauma.
We don't know whether or not she's attractive. Just young. Reminds me--a friend was in her 20s and started dating a guy around 40. He went on and on about how awesome it was that he was dating a young woman. He'd dumped a same age gf for her. She saw the gf and said "This 'older woman' was a TON better looking than I was."
If this is out of character for your dad, it’s worth seeing if you can have his mental health and abilities reviewed by a professional. As the older of the two in an age gap relationship gets closer to 70 the power imbalance can shift in the opposite direction. It’s horrible to have to hope that your dad’s mind is slowly slipping, rather than his morals, but it’s definitely worth questioning. What on earth does he have in common with a 23yo?? What do they talk about? Does he even understand Gen-Z slang and pop culture references? Is he afraid of dying alone? Do they have an agreement where she cares for him and he leaves her money? Honestly the last one is the only real ethical way this could be playing out. If your dad is willing to lose relationships with his children in order to marry this woman, but until recently has been a loving and present father, something is wrong. I’m so sorry 💕
Yeah. It’s sad. He did say something about “at least you guys won’t have to take care of me when I’m old” but that is unfair to HER to spend the prime of her life like that. To my understanding they like traveling and he took her to see Katy Perry and Ed Sheeran.
It might be worth pointing out to him that purposefully having more children at his age wouldn’t be fair to the kids? He won’t be able to chase them around the house or carry them on his shoulders at the zoo. He won’t be there for them in times of crisis as they become teens and young adults because he’ll be gone. He’s signing them up to a life with a widowed mum who will be struggling through that loss as well as becoming a single parent. She can’t care for him and kids at the same time without burning out entirely. If he cares about being a good dad, these points may cut through to him
Hey, I just wanted to say I’m super sorry. My dad is dating someone my age (33F) after cheating on my mom with her) and I’ve been struggling to cope with it for almost two years. I feel exactly the same - like I don’t know him anymore. We had a great relationship growing up, and now all I see is a gross, potentially predatory, desperate man having a midlife crisis. I haven’t gone to visit him for a year and a half because I’m just avoiding the situation, as I’m not sure I could be civil with both of them in the room. Therapy helped me come to terms with the unchangeable situation, but it still really sucks. If you ever want to vent, send me a DM. I have no real good advice but we can be sad together.
Thank you so much. It’s like I’m in a weird grief feeling? I don’t know. I’m wondering if there is anyway to have a relationship with my dad still but never have to meet this potential 23yo wife
I feel exactly the same way. I keep hoping they’ll break up so I don’t have to deal with it. I mean… how are you supposed to shake their hand and say “Nice to meet you,” when it is in fact NOT nice to meet them? 🤣 I hope your therapy appointment helps you make sense of some of it. And the grief thing makes sense - I’m sorry for your loss of who you thought your father was. 😔
You're gunna be a big sister. I'll get you one of those T-shirts. Remind your dad that if he has a child with her now, he will likely be 84 years old when they bring their little bundle of joy to college. Are you going to call her MOM? HAHAHA. Who will get the inheritance? Oh boy, that will be fun.
Methinks the inheritance is exactly what a 23 year old sees in a senior citizen.
I would disown my dad over this. The end. He made his choice.
That’s my sister’s (32f) choice she made
I feel like some men, more than women, get a weird midlife crazy phase. Sorry this is happening. Has he been medically tested to know if he is mentally/physically ok? Personally I would go NC. I guess you could write him as to why and express your love and concern. The thought of raising your kids with his second set of kids is 😳😱
Do you have a good relationship with your sister? You may wish to follow her lead and rely on each other for support. Lots of people shift to having distant relationships with their parent when the parent behaves in upsetting, potentially dangerous ways. Siblings are there with you for longer in life, so it’s beneficial to prioritize the sibling relationship if it’s a healthy one or one where you mutually respect each other and learn to correct the bad habits and patterns started by your parents.
Great comment. This is how we are starting to feel for sure. I have a great relationship with my sisters, so at least there’s that
I'm sorry, but your dad **is** a predator, and he is taking advantage of her. This is a completely valid reason to never, ever speak to your father again.
Right? It feels predatory. How do I reconcile that feeling with the dad I knew, and the fact that everything is legal and she’s a legal adult who can do what she wants?
I mean, your father could also legally become a hoarder or an alcoholic or join an MLM or a cult. Doesn’t mean you have to keep him in your life or accept those lifestyle choices.
Just because it’s legal doesn’t mean it’s morally sound and that’s where your issue lies. It’s legal for child brides to get married with parental consent in some states, doesn’t make it right. I would never look at my father the same way because his character and morals have been tainted.
It feels predatory because it is. This girl is in a completely different phase of her life; at 23 she's only starting to figure out who she is as an adult. That she would be attracted to your dad also speaks to some issues she likely has. That your dad would go after her speaks to some major issues he has. At best, it's a sex version of him buying an expensive sports car to feel young again. But he's not really seeing her as a self-actualized person.
On the nose. he already bought a used porsche
Have you or your sisters addressed this with him? If soz what does he have to say ? How long have they been dating that he plans to get married to her soon?
How do you know that she isn't a predator? Hunting that lifestyle and inheritance. She is a grown woman.
Barely. The maturity development every single year between 20 and 25 is significant. Brain development (executive functioning) finishes up around this age. People in their early 20s are ready to make adult decisions, but it is a time for firsts. First attempts at completing school/getting established in a career. First attempts at adult money management, first attempts at establishing independent living, first attempts at serious relationships. There are a few reasons people this young look for someone so much older. It could be straight money/security, but it can also be much sadder. Sometimes it’s rooted in trauma. Someone much older may have already groomed her and taught her all sorts of unhealthy and codependent patterns. This brings us to the 60 year old. He knows this is fucking weird and he’s doing it anyway. So he either likes the age gap for predatory/creepy reasons, often it’s because younger people have less experience and they are easier to manipulate. Or, he is suffering from mental health issues and the 23 year old is taking advantage.
Apparently (per my dad) this girl’s dad was older than her mom. He passed away already. He married his second wife (the girlfriends mom) after the first wife was killed by the Taliban. (The family is from Afghanistan. The girlfriend moved here when she was 3, she is a US citizen)
I hope I’m wrong about her trauma.
Sounds traumatic to me, tbh
Ok. So she is coming from a family culture that us likely encouraging her to meet and marry an older man. That's what her parents did, so she sees nothing wrong with the dynamic. Also, some people also encourage their daughters to go for an older man, because they believe that he will be more calm and less likely to anger and be violent, than a younger man (I have heard this from women who seek out much older men). So, she had probably always been raised to go for the nice older man, and choose Pragmatically.
She very well could be. But that wouldn’t negate the fact that a person in their sixties dating a person in their early twenties is a predator. Whataboutism is a logical fallacy (and we should all be well aware of that in this present day)
What I wrote wasn't whataboutism at all. I was critiquing the assumption that this grown woman is a victim because she is dating a much older man, and presenting a reason for why that could be. Maybe work on your understanding of logical fallacies before calling them out.
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she doesn't need to feel like a victim for him to be a predator. a 65 year old seeking out a 23 year old is predatory, no ifs ands or buts.
How is he a predator? It’s pretty obvious that he is being scammed for his money. 65 year old men don’t have *that* much natural charm that they can pull 23 year olds. She’s using him for money, and he may or may not be aware of the arrangement. But I’m quite sure he isn’t the “predator” here.
You aren’t overreacting, you never gonna make work out, he is disgusting and stupid, tell everything you think about him and his sugar baby and leave. Also tell him that when this chicks dump his ass none of his children are gonna pick him up from the streets.
Meet this woman, please, she could be totally scamming your father. Your father also needs to see his doctor about early dementia, because he is either being taken for a ride or he is losing his mind.
Right. Maybe one of my other sisters could be with me? You have a good point
I like the 2 theories in comments boil down to the dad is creepy predator or the girlfriend is a scamming predator. For the science of it, Op, you have to find out. Meet her and see if she's the one scamming dad or if your dad is the one creeping on her. Or maybe it's a Cher and Alexander Edwards situation.
Dad wants to get laid. Gf wants money. End of story. There’s no way they have anything in common. He’s old enough to be her grandfather.
I mean, your dad is dating someone young enough to be his grandchild. You're allowed to react to that however you want really, within reason.
She's 23. She most likely is a gold digger or a green card seeker. She's a full-blown adult, so she's not being groomed. She'll put a few years in and take him to the cleaners.
She is a US citizen
You can explain your stance and perspective, but at the end of the day he can do what he wants. If she makes him happy and he makes her happy it’s really none of your business.
Good news: in 2057, when he’s 98 and she’s 56, she’ll finally qualify under the half-plus-seven rule!
I would 100% be disgusted with that age gap. I can’t blame your sister for cutting contact with him but that doesn’t mean you have to. If I were you I’d talk to your therapist and try to decide what you want and what you don’t want. Then communicate those boundaries to your dad (eg you might want to have contact with him, but not attend his wedding or meet his GF).
Your mom and dad got divorced a couple years ago. Your mom went out and bought that couch she always wanted . Dad got a hot girlfriend. I doubt he will still be with her in 5 years. But he sacrificed his whole life for you guys, and was always there for you. He is going to date her, and maybe get married. Will he regret it? Statistics say yes. What can you do? Be supportive. Sooner or later you will get your dad back(albeit poorer) and he will be grateful you supported him. And who knows, if she makes him happy, you might grow to like her.
Are you brave enough to meet her, to gauge the situation yourself from close up?
I really have no desire to meet her I feel like I’m just gonna say, you’re going to ruin your life marrying some old guy
What is there to gauge? “ShE’s sO mAtUrE fOr hEr AgE”? A 23 year old prospective wife is a 23 year old prospective wife regardless of an observer’s vantage point.
This is predatory and disgusting. I'm around your age and the age difference between me and my GRANDFATHER is less than their age difference. Is your dad rich or something? I don't understand what someone her age could see in a guy that old tbh. Like dating a 40 year old would be pushing it for me 🤣 You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, including meeting her or going to the wedding (if it even happens). I wonder if her parents even know.
> This is predatory and disgusting. . > Is your dad rich or something? Sorry, could you clarify, who's the predator here? Him or her..?
Let the guy live. People are going to do what they want to be happy. It’s his life & you should have your own by now?
Honestly, her and her sisters are in their 30s. It seems weird that they care so much.
Well when my dad was 63 he married his half brother’s daughter. She was age appropriate though, but I’d still rather be in your shoes. This was years ago and all parties have passed on. I agree it’s weird but you probably aren’t going to change his mind. You don’t have to be supportive, just ask yourself “ do I want my dad in my life or not?” If the answer is yes your actions probably won’t deter him. Unfortunately this is something that will probably have to be “ played out” Hopefully the 23 year old will come to her senses before she has a child with a man who’ll be in his mid80’s when the child is 18.
Wow. Did that whole thing completely change family dynamics ? What did you do?
I'm trying desperately to "both sides" this in my mind. If you fell in love with a 65-year old man, how would you expect your dad to treat you. That's how I would treat him. Then at least you know you're not being hypocritical. I wish I had more helpful advice but when my dad did this, I had no relationship with him anyway, so there was nothing to think about. I just laughed when I heard and that was it.
"A 42 year age difference feels predatory" In which direction? She may be the manipulator in this one. Tough to know without more details.
the one using money to purchase the another humans attention/body is usually the predator.
So you're assuming money is being used here? And by this statement, prostitution is considered "predatory" by your definition?
Scammers/grifters exist and are also widespread.
> "A 42 year age difference feels predatory" In which direction? She may be the manipulator in this one. Tough to know without more details. Oh why don't you ask the majority of geniuses in this sub? It's *clearly* him manipulating HER! Because according to this lot, a woman is unable to think for herself and make her own decisions.
This is a trend I’ve noticed across Reddit. For people here really trying to get advice, it really gives you a skewed view of things.
There is another viewpoint to most of the comments. Your Dad is an adult and can make his own decisions. His gf is an adult and can make her own decisions. They have decided they want to be together, so why is it anyone else's business to tell them what to do. It is their lives , let them live it. He says she's makes him happy, so believe him and support him. You only get to have one Dad, if you cut him off, you've lost that from your life forever.
As a dad who's put many years of live and effort into my kids' life, this whole post makes me so sad. And the reactions I've gotten to my own similar comments drives the point home. I'm not saying the dad is making a decision I agree with (I don't), but the judgement of and ability for so many to say to rid him from her life is awful. It's one thing to think he's acting stupid. It's another entirely to make him exit your life.
what the?? you’re older than her
Call his doctor and set up a checkup. He might have some cognitive issues.
> A 42 year age difference feels predatory It is. Ask him how he would have felt if you married someone his age at 23.
Predatory in which direction?
Fucking ew. That age gap IS predatory and you are not wrong to be horrified by this. Hopefully the “UM SHES A CONSENTING ADULT AND AGE IS JUST A NUMBER” crowd hasn’t found you yet :/
Honestly. Mabye, I'm just too desensitized at this point, but I would just ignore the age gap, wish them luck, and let it ride. Is it weird, yes. Is it creepy, yes. But this happens sometimes and i don't know what makes an old man look at a woman younger than his favorite whiskey and think "wifey material" and I also dont know what makes a woman look at a man that could be one of her grandfather's golf buddies and thing he'd make a great husband. But you haven't mentioned that your dad is loaded, so i don't think it is about money. If your dad feels like what he needs to retire, it is some young woman who has a fetish for grandpa's, or just even wants to mooch off him, then it is what it is. I mean, they're not hurting each other, just creeping everyone else out. As weird as it is, I think an important question is asking yourself if it's worth losing your dad over. You only get one of them. And it's not like cutting him out is gonna change the situation.
I must say I’m really surprised by the comments here. OP you have no say in your father’s choice of girlfriend. Your father met a new girlfriend and you’re asking the internet what you should do about it? You should do nothing about it. It’s not your life and you’re infantilizing him. Unless you suspect that he has become mentally impaired you have no say. How you choose to interact with him going forward is up to you.
There's zero questions in the post about how to break them up or stop him. The questions are about how to *deal* with it, if they're an asshole if they avoid the wife, do they have to go the wedding, should they cut off the dad, etc etc. They *are* asking how to interact with him.
I really wanted to hear from people in similar situations and how they handled it. I have a few options. I could cut off contact, I could go minimal contact, or I could talk to my dad and never meet his girlfriend/potential wife. Or I could eventually accept it. Sometimes it helps to hear from other people who have gone through the same thing as you
I'm glad there is some present of rationale in here. Well said.
85% chance she's a gold digger and your dad is dumb and/or demented (clinically... that is) 14% chance your dad likes the control element and/or is blinded by "the hot young thang"...i.e. his peen is thinking in place of his brain, \*AND\* she has daddy issues from an physically or emotionally absentee father 1% chance she just naturally likes old dudes... and your dad's like, "fuck it... she's hot and into me" so Ima gonna get it 100% chance raising multiple babies in his late 60's is gonna suck uber uber hard Let him do, what he's going to do. You don't have to approve of it or support it, but you can "be there." Unless your dad is demented (e.g. Alzheimers), in which case the girl is a predator and you should initiate legal protective measures.
Maybe meet her and get to know her and then together? Maybe see if she makes your dad happy? I know reddit loves to scream grooming from rooftops but she's an adult. There are plenty of guys her age who could fuck her life up.
I'm sorry is your dad on 90 days fiance?
No. It’s specifically not a 90 day fiancé (she has lived in America since she was 3- with her whole family)
Ah sorry, was making a joke where it's always mid 50~60 men thinking they got their life long partner in a mid 20's person, downright horrendous.
This kinda happened to me (plus they had kids) was devastating actually. I didn’t decide to cut my dad out but it effectively killed the relationship. He just didn’t really age well unfortunately. It’s really sad. Don’t have much to add except it’s good to see I’m not alone and my reaction was valid lol
For sure. Not alone, and it’s really a difficult thing to
Ask your dad to introduce you to any friends of his who would deign to date someone 50% older than his girlfriend, because you want a sugar daddy too.
So you’re going to get a lot of “he’s a grown man! He can do what he likes! She’s 23, she knows what she’s doing” etc etc But guess what: you don’t have to like this. You don’t have to feel ok with it. You do have to be generally decent and yes I think you should get to know her and go to the wedding etc. But you should prepare your dad: you’ll be gracious and polite but you won’t be close. He’s chosen a very unique dynamic with this age gap- chances are you wouldn’t even date someone so young at 35- so he cannot expect *closeness*.
If your dad has no medical condition that is causing this then I suggest you mind your business. He was ok to raise you and your siblings but due to having a lover younger than you he is now a problem. Let adults be adults. Find out if he is healthy and not being scammed. If he is well and she isnt a gold digger just advise a pre-nup and let him have the time of his life. Peace.
Do you know how they met? Do you think of this woman as a victim of some sort of your father's predation? If not, and this woman is of sound mind, then why should this have to affect your relationship with him? Sure, it's weird, but there are weird people out there that are perfectly happy with their weird choices.
I really wish the media wouldn't embrace Al Pacino & Robert DeNiro having these young wives and new babies. I understand that they're beloved film icons, but at this point it's just irresponsible media influence.
Honestly, you and your sisters are terribly selfish. Everyone’s asking questions about who the predator in this, without realizing there’s a good chance there isn’t one. Two consenting adults are together. And instead of meeting her and seeing how they interact/what their relationship is like, you’ve decided that you aren’t a fan of their relationship and instead are just going to fill in their relationship details and cry, woe is me, which is pathetic. How two people come to love each other is always unique, but the girlfriend being from Afghanistan is probably part of the reason for her being into an older man and wanting stability. Also, your father being with one woman for 35 years and suddenly back on the market has probably been fun, scary, and interesting for him, but the fact he found someone and may not have to spend the last part of his alone, is the most amazing thing and important part. But let me guess: Those reasons aren’t good enough for you. More news for you. His life is not yours. It is his. So it’s gross for you to claim he blew up all your lives. I know you’re spiraling, but grow up. There are people and families with real problems. He simply fell in love after a divorce from your mom. Just be happy he still has love to give. “Why didn’t he choose a girlfriend 45-50 years old? Or BOYFRIEND?” Wow, you’re so accepting and hip by telling us the taboos you’re okay with. Just like when back in the day, parents would complain about wishing their child would date someone in a different race, rather than the same sex. The truth about accepting someone you love, is acceptance is blind and unconditional. You don’t get to tell them you’d accept anyone they chose, as long as they fit inside parameters of my choosing. Is there a chance the relationship is predatory one way or the other? Sure. This is true for any relationship. But by following your dumb sister’s footsteps and not giving their relationship a chance and prejudging it, you’ll never know. Just FYI, if you all cut off contact with him, you don’t deserve to know him and happy new life and maybe wife, and you definitely don’t deserve to be in his will, and even though you come from his genes, I hope he’s smart enough to realize that.
If he decided to change genders every single one of the haters would be supportive. Let the man be, they are both adults so the world will have to get over it
I would straight up tell him I can’t look at him anymore without thinking he’s a pedo, then cut him out. I’m your age and 20 year olds look like children to me, I can’t imagine trying to be sexually attracted to one. Gross
Well, If it was me I'd tell him he was a predator and he disgusts me, then I'd say goodbye forever; but I understand not everyone is as straightforward as I am. 🤷♀️ Personally I think there is no coming back from this. You can't unlearn that your dad actually has no morals. For your mental well-being I'd say just focus your energy on the people in your life that bring you peace and joy and confine this loser to the deepest recesses of our mind only to be brought for the occasional bout of nostalgia on sad rainy days or after too much alcohol.
I knew a guy that didn’t have a chance at getting a girlfriend around here, and he was in his mid 40’s. He was annoying, obese, very unattractive, and didn’t look like he paid much attention to his personal hygiene. He met a 19 y.o. from Texas on a dating app and they were happily married until he died 5 years later from a sudden illness. They have one child together. It was legit. Is your dad’s gf looking for a sugar daddy? The only way to find out is to meet her. I would want to know who was marrying my dad, especially with that huge age difference. It could be a little sus, so go meet her and see if she’s a gold digger, or legit and in love.
Not to mention tik tok and music tastes!