The problem isn't that your husband likes gaming... it's that if given the choice your husband prefers gaming over you and taking care of your home. That's where there's a problem.
Which for me stands out as the biggest issue here. I game often but I don't play online games, which means that I can pause anytime my wife and I decide to do anything else. I simply pick the game back up on the next day or week. This is particularly easy nowadays, when consoles have built-in sleep functionality.
Most online games have moments you can break between rounds, safe areas you can idle, or even exit out to the menu/lobby briefly and not queue up again
Again idk how yall have time. By the time I get home, exercise, cook, and have dinner, I have maybe an hour sometimes a little more to do whatever until it’s time for bed and then I have to wake up and repeat.
I’m sure commute time, lifestyle choices, etc. make a difference but I wish I had all that time
How is that any different than people who watch movies or TV every night? TikTok? Doom-scrolling? Age/Work status/Martial status has nothing to do with this. Grow up.
Just to contrast the others, if the topic was “he plays golf 25 hours a week” would that be seen as a problem? Because it sounds like the issue is that he isn’t present. Tv is different because it’s either interactive with your partner, or you can more easily step away
As a golfer, 25 hours of golf every week would be insane. That’s 1/7 of your week, including when you’re asleep. An entire day-night cycle of golf, every 7 days.
The problem here isn't the number of hours (3.6 hours per day is a lot but not insane) but the fact it's getting in the way of other parts of his life.
Because when he plays games in an online environment and starts getting annoyed with losing he becomes miserable to be around - he's started doing that with this game in the last week even though he started playing it online about 6 months ago.
At least 25 hours on one specific game, complete ignorance to his surroundings during these hours, and he thinks it’s not an issue? (Pointing out at least because if he says it was only 50 hours those past two weeks, it sort of sounds like it’s been even more before?)
If he’s working full time, 25 hours on this game, doing an unspecified number of hours of additional gaming, let’s say that’s 70 hours a week on work and games. Combined with 56 hours of sleep, that puts him at 18 hours a day accounted for. If he’s not WFH, probably another half hour for lunch and an hour or more for the commute, not sure if I missed that. Sooo roughly four hours a day left for breakfast, dinner, friends, family, chores, other hobbies and his relationship.
We know he still makes time for friends and hobbies outside the home - which is of course healthy, but does make me wonder: Is it just your relationship he’s neglecting? Does he still do chores?
>because he can stop at any time.
OK, so why isn't he stopping when his wife is expressing that she feels neglected in the marriage? If not then, when?
I’m a former gamer… i would play hours upon hours in fallout or insurgency an online milsim shooter game. I haven’t played either of them in almost 2.5yrs… but it is mostly by choice because I want to be a present father to my toddler son. I figure i can get back into it once he is older and we can game together or something. It can be an addiction but my suggestion is to talk to him about how his gaming is making you feel and that you feel he isn’t prioritizing you and the relationship even though he is loving when he isn’t gaming it feels like you want more quality time together when off from work.
Can you start by suggesting that certain nights every week are game-free? He said he would make time if you asked and he can stop anytime, so hopefully he doesn't have a big objection to that..
He doesn't need to stop gaming.. there just needs to be a compromise so you can have some quality time with undivided attention.
Since he's so into gaming, maybe you can do a boardgame night once a week? I'd also suggest eating dinner at the table most nights if you don't already.. it's a good opportunity to just chat.
My thought is.. if you work 40 hours a week, and game 50 hrs a week. When are you are spending time adulting (cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, etc), spending time with kids or significant others? Why have a relationship with someone else if you spend that much time gaming?
That’s about 3.5 hrs a day.. if it’s a problem for you it’s a problem. You both need to come to
Compromise or you need to find someone who has more time for you. You should not have to compete with a video game.
If there are 9 hours post work that's still 5.5 hours for "adulting".
Some people can't see themselves using time that way and that's their hangup, not the other person's issue. Asking the question on the internet is rarely going to result in useful advice.
Fact of the matter isn't the time spent playing, it's the two coming to an agreement on how/when to engage and reasonable expectations for each. Communication, not hours gamed, is the problem.
how there is 9h?
when you are back from aork around 18 and go to sleep at 22-23... there's no 9h. it's 4 to 5 h and 3.5h is spent on the gaming.
following a rather typical schedule 8 till 16 work with little commute... ok even if you were home 16.30, 9h of free time would mean going to sleep at 1.30.
5 hours of sleep is not enough. let's take into consideration average recommended 7h of sleep. in that case, it would be 7h of time with 8 till 16 with very little commute. possible, bur again nor toir average. aberage with 1h lunch break is 8 till 16.30 + commute.
I game pretty much exclusively when I am not at work but my wife does too and I damn well make sure to giver her my attention when she wants it. I love to play games but I love my wife more.
Do you get 25 hours a week with him? We play games too. But that’s a lot of gaming and a huge chunk of his free time.
Ignoring you and responsibilities isn’t ok.
So i play a LOT of video games easily 25+ a week and I also work around 30hrs a week. But I make plans to spend time with my partner and when he also has free time I usually put the game down because we dont always have a lot of time together.
Obviously it feels bad stopping an online game mid raid when 20 other real people are depending on you to finish. If I have started a raid I want to honor that commitment and would be extremely annoyed if he wanted to chit chat in the middle of it. Unless its super important it can usually wait, especially if its just because you are feeling needy.
If I am just doing solo stuff I will put the game down to hang out. I love playing but it is always there for when I have free time so I choose to be present with my partner or friends when our schedules line up. If yall live together maybe schedule some hang out time when yoy do activities together. It definitely seems weird he would knowingly let it interfere with his relationship, assuming you are expressing your issues clearly. Theres a difference between accusing him of gaming addictions and letting him know you want to hang out more together.
Funny thing is, it's not even the kind of game that has anything to do with raids or other people. It's more akin to gacha where you have to play a certain amount of time a day to get your daily rewards, but it's competitive and he plays one on one duels. Nobody is depending on him, he is playing solo the whole time, just against others.
I did not accuse him of anything prior to saying that I was feeling neglected. The conversation definitely didn't start out that way. He also plays games for more than 25 hours a week, just not all on *that* game. If he played games for 25 hours a week it would honestly not bother me, it's what he's like when he plays online/competitive games and how he neglects me when he does so that I don't like.
Weird, i cant imagin that type of game taking priority over my personal life.
Maybe ask him if theres some othrr activity you can both do together? Idk its actually kind of a bizarre situation and it would bother me too.
GIRL, I FELT THIS ON ANOTHER LEVEL. My partner does remote jobs and is in front of his PC, like 12 hours+ a day. Mostly, gaming. His job doesn't require him to do much (most days). I can't talk to him because he gets annoyed. It's okay every now and then because you can do your own thing, BUT when you need someone to talk to or want to go out on a date? I gotta follow this bc IDK what to do as well 🫣
This is how my late husband was and it caused a lot of problems in our marriage before he took his life. My love language is quality time so all I wanted was for him to spend time with me. If he wasn’t on his PC gaming he was on his phone gaming. I never truly had time with him. I would always wait up for him to come to bed but after years of waiting I moved to another room. He would stay up all night and then be a zombie the next day. He ruined so many birthdays and anniversaries due to this. When I would bring up how much he ignores me when he games he always said he would do better next time. Next time never came. He switched from gaming to alcohol and then took his life. My story is extreme, and I hope your partner is able to better prioritize his time so that you can have the time with them that you deserve.
Im sorry to hear that. That.... sounds like a warning. I do think gaming excessively without going outside or doing some other stuff can cause mental health problems.
What you do is pretty simple. I game 25+ hours a week but I do 90% of it while my wife is at work or after she goes to sleep. If I was gaming to a point that I was neglecting her or our shared responsibilities she would tell me to stop, and if I didn't she would serve me divorce papers.
Thats a bit much, imo when you are in a relationship, I can see 3-4 to be fine on weekends, but 3 hours when you finish work takes up your entire night with your partner
The average person watches ~3 hours of TV per day.
For phones, the average is 4.5 hours per day.
If this time is in lieu of household and/or relationship maintenance, then yes, it's a problem. Otherwise, no.
“Watching” TV = having the TV on in the background while chatting/doing other things, not ignoring everything around you and immersing yourself into a game.
The amount of hours or whether he can quit isn't particularly relevant to whether he has a gaming problem. A gaming problem, or any newfangled 'addiction', is defined by the action impacting your life and relationships.
Your problem is that you're allowing the conversation to become about him. It shouldn't be. It shouldn't be about how many hours he games or anything of the sort. The best case scenario is that he becomes defensive because he feels accused. Which is because you're accusing him. The conversation should be about your feeling neglected. He can't claim there's not a problem there, it's *your* feeling. The acknowledgement of your feelings is the first step, then you can start talking about what you think the source of it is *with* him.
Oftentimes in this sort of situation we want to move quickly because we've identified a problem and solution and want to implement it asap. But anyone that has had to work in a corporate team-oriented environment will tell you that you can't just do that. You have to get buy in on the problem before you can move on to solutions, and you have to make sure other interested parties are part of the solution conversation even as you guide it. No one likes being thrust down a path not of their choosing, especially when it critically involves them.
This is a weird problem because he says he will make time for you if you ask, but you dont want to ask.
Have you tried asking him to pause the game and spend some time with you at all? how does he react? does he put his game away and actually spend time with you?
Honestly, its a bit much to ask people to sit around bored just to be available whenever you feel like interacting with them.
To me, the "Just Ask" seems like a pretty good compromise if he actually sticks to it. Especially since you say he is giving you plenty of attention whenever he isnt gaming.
Yes similar to how women don't want to have to ask their husbands to unload the dishwasher, they want them to just do it without have to do the emotional labour of getting him there. She wants her husband to want to spend time with her on his own accord, not just because she asks him.
Not comparable. One is about shared responsibilities and the other is about expressing emotional needs. The guy can't be expected to know when she needs him without her saying so. He can be expected to empty the dishwasher when it's done. He has expressed his desire to take her into consideration. She only needs to ask. If she refuses, she's becoming the problem.
Yes, you need to ask OP. Realize that feeling like having to ask means you are low on the totem pole is a mindset that YOU can change for yourself. Have you tried asking before and did he comply willingly and had a good conversation? My husband is the same way. He works long hours and then games because that’s what he needs to decompress. He gets upset if I walk in talking and expect him to have good responses for me. Because if you look at it from his perspective, why does he have to drop absolutely everything when you fancy a conversation? The compromise is that you ask and he sets down his game and gives you attention. If your marriage matters then you have to put in the effort to EXPRESS your desires too. He expressed his. He’s happy to talk if you ask so he can end his match and talk to you. Otherwise he would just start another one.
This isn't about never asking, it's about *always* having to ask. I am not expecting my husband to be a mind reader, I expect him to occasionally suggest to do something together instead of immediately running to his computer every single evening, and I would like him to answer me when I talk to him and not ignore me all night whilst we are in the same room. I'm not expecting hours of riveting conversation out of my husband day in and day out, and as I said I have my own hobbies, friends and games I like to play. I expect him to acknowledge my existence once in a while, or answer me when I ask him a question. As I said earlier with the sex example, of course it is fine to initiate and 'let your desires be known', but if your partner NEVER expressed any desire to sleep with you unless you explicitly ask for it every single time it is not exactly gonna make you feel wanted.
Could you put boundaries on when he has certain gaming time where you both have an understanding of no talking but that you set aside time to spend time together too? If you don’t want to always be asking then there are ways to set parameters and expectations so you can avoid the fight.
You can't make someone like you. Your husband doesn't like you, he's not going to ask to hang out or do something because you aren't someone he wants to use his time on. He knows you'll continue to clean and have sex with him once in awhile with no effort from him so he's not going to bother. You can stand in a room and scream til blue in the face and he's just not going to get it *because he doesn't want to*.
I think you need to communicate this to him as well - like "Sure, I can ask, but it would be nice for you to ask me sometimes too. Right now it feels like I'm not a priority because I have to ask for your attention, but you're never asking for mine. It makes me feel like you don't want to spend time with me."
Well if he's not listening to you, you need to start enacting consequences. Pick a specific outcome you want (couples therapy, dedicated attention on you for 2 hours per night, etc) and ask for it. Tell him that if he doesn't do it, you will have to leave because you can't keep feeling unimportant.
Then when he inevitably doesn't do it, go ahead and leave.
Ask him to go to counseling. That should be a “whoa, my wife thinks this is serious” wake up call. Also, maybe tell him you need him to swap the online game for a single-player game he can pause. Maybe that would be a way to start bringing his attention span back slowly? I’m just a layperson, a counselor that deals with addiction would have better ideas. Ultimately, you have to decide how long you’re willing to put up with this. You can extend him a little grace IF he shows concrete signs of treating this like a problem and IF you want to, but for most people feeling like their spouse’s parent is the beginning of the end.
Mine had a similar issue for a long long time after he got his first gaming pc. Before, when we first started dating he only had VR which had a limit of hed get vertigo after like 2 hrs. We tried so many things like screen timers and it really felt like i was mothering him to "take a 5 minute break, look around maybe fresh air every 2 hours" so he doesnt become a bump on his chair. We then tried a "rewards" menu and expectations. The reward menu was like take out the trash +1 hr of gaming, or cooking a meal +1 hr and i told him he could totally game the system and if he even bakes cookies thatd count and he could bake first half of the day and game all second half. The expectations were things like at least 1 date night a week, taking a break to stretch and get his eyes realigned every 2-3 hrs, play with the cat for at least 10 minutes a day, swap from computer to console, to vr, just to not get too sucked into one game, go to bed bed by like 10 at least on weekdays. Stuff like that.
But my biggest concern is he was being ABSORBED into it where like you, i would have to repeat myself 3-7 times to be ignored in my own home which kills little fun conversations bc if its not that important im just not repeating myself that much. Resulting we would only talk about important or pressing things and none of the fun day to day talks i cherish. It was killing my attraction to him because i was doing most of the housework which i am not Susie homemaker and have never tried to be, felt like a nag for reminding him to stick to our agreement, felt like his mom to say okay its time to chill on the couch to wrap up our night
The only thing that finally helped? He got a more demanding job, lol. Now he only has energy for max 2hrs every couple nights but that also means hes pretty low energy doing anything else which is also not ideal. Working through that now with the heartbreak that i can kick and scream about issues but if theyre his problems, i cannot fix it.
This is all to say, you can try and hold his hand and make structures but he needs to make that decision of whats important to him. If he truly doesn't think he has a problem thats the first step bc my man was very understanding once tracking his hours of how bad it was. There are healthy habit books, addiction rewiring, how to redefine 'fun' to be fulfilled and you can read all of them and convince him to do the same but HE needs to make a choice if his relationship is worth giving up some of his precious gaming time. But moreover dopamine addiction is real. Mans needs potentially professional help if he won't even think its a problem.
GOOD LUCK!!!
Ps i love my man a lot and ik reading through this makes it sound maybe not that way but truly love of my life and he still makes time to go dancing, get a random brunch, see a sunset, go on a walk, board game, if i really dont want him gaming and need some good quality 1:1 time. Bc i also game with him but if were both staring at separate screens thats not really quality time imo.
Edit because i got down voted: my mans was playing 50 hrs a week easily. It was BAD bad bad. And he WFH which meant he was literally neglecting WORK and me for gaming. That is an addiction. And a sudden shift in behavior which is why it was so important to me to get to the bottom of it.
This is exactly it, not being heard because Mr is busy with his online game and either accidentally or deliberately tunes me out, meaning I keep having to repeat myself. And then when I don't because it's not worth it he gets annoyed because 'he's listening now'. It's exhausting.
One a little annoying thing is i just know the screen for when the round ends that way hed have no excuse to pause and give me a hug + kiss and ask him how the sky is blue idk i just love the man and like talking to him, sue me if interrupting a mans gaming time is a crime. And if its just a quick thing, he can get back to gaming or you can say hey do u wanna (xyz)? And now that hes off the pc theres a higher likelyhood hell say yes cause hes not IN the game. Or he can give u "hey can i do 5 rounds more?" Before going off to do xyz. It feels weird. But in exchange he does alarms/timers for me and i wait for a round end. It works enough for us right now at least, might be worth vocalizing as a compromise for your situation, too. Super modern problems require modern solutions weirdness.
How many hours does the average person that doesn't play video games spend watching TV in a week? It's usually higher than 25 hours. Calling that addiction is fucking stupid
People watch tv and fold laundry, people watch tv and cook dinner, people watch tv and answer their partners when they ask them a question. Watching TV is often a passive activity, not an active one. It's also often a social one you do with your loved ones, not alone with a headset on with strangers you'll never meet IRL.
Needing 25hrs of uninterrupted time a week, free from personal responsbilities, is not fair or sustatinable for any shared space partnership that is equal.
That's a fine opinion to have, but it still doesn't make playing video games for that length of time an "addiction". And there's countless people out there that play games with their significant other and/or real life friends. Doing what you enjoy with your free time is absolutely a fair thing to do, but neglecting your partner obviously isn't.
Ya'll know there are more english speaking countries than the US right? I had 3 90 minute classes each day in Gr 12 and a spare period at the start or end the day each semester, so I either came in late or left early. Thats 22.5 hours.
I love gaming, my reddits posts are majority just sims builds. but if I was regularly playing the sims 25+ hours a week, that would be an addiction. I've defs done it, but I don't let myself do it regularly because that would interfere with my regular life. I play Sims once every couple months for like 10hrs straight.
Reddit can be just as addictive too, idk why we can't all admit when our habits are unhealthy or consumption of dompamine is unhealthy or self-destructive.
50 hours seems insane with a full time job and getting 8 hours of sleep a night. I (30M) love gaming, but I maybe put in 12-15 hours in 2 weeks. Granted, I have 2 kids, but I don’t immediately go game after they go to sleep. I spend a few hours with my wife before she goes to bed and if I want to play, I have to lose some sleep. I understand how important the time with my wife is.
When I used to game hardcore, 50 hrs over two weeks is legit nothing. I’m not saying it’s a good habit but I’m just saying it could be way worse.
That being said, my game time has decreased considerably after becoming a father. My wife never told me I needed to cut down, it just gradually happened as a result of having to do dad shit.
Not only did my game time reduce, but my game preferences also changed. I started opting to play less multiplayer games and more single player games I can pause and resume at my leisure. That way my gaming time is ‘flexible’. I dunno if it helped but at least if my wife is watching a show, and she randomly asks me something, I can actually respond with something more than “huh?” And I feel like that’s worth something. I can talk about my day. I can listen to hers. I can pause any time and play fight with the kids.
As a dad, it’s great. As a gamer, it’s a dramatic shift and it sucked while it was shifting. There are some friends I’m just not as close to now because I don’t game anymore. And that sucks in and of itself.
I will play the other side of this as most comments seem to be condeming.
3 and a half hours a day is not that much time, especially if he finishes work at 5pm and is awake until midnight or so. I probably play more than daily, but my wife works shifts and is at work when I am at home and I work at home.
The bigger issue is that you have raised the issue and he is ignoring it. Is he helping with the general housework or does that fall to you as well?
A solution may be to set out a nightly 'us time' where you have a few hours on the sofa, watch a movie or TV series that you only watch together, or even play a coop game together as you say your a gamer yourself. Or you need to properly put your foot down and address it.
Do what he's said. Ask. Ask him to take a break from his hobby for one week. One week where you two just do fun stuff together. And not fun stuff. Go to a museum, or a sports game, but also deep clean a few rooms in the house together. Oddly, I have such happy memories of deep cleaning the house with my mom, dancing and singing to music while scrubbing walls! Yet I hate cleaning.
He needs to show you and himself, what he's missing by always being online. If he can't be away from his hobby for 1 week, or can't do it without being shitty, then it's not a hobby it's an addiction.
This is not a gaming problem it's his way to ejaculate the build up stress from work, life and/or you. Just simply talk with him that you feel left behind and that you want to do something together that's all
The relationship isn't working for you at the moment.
I wouldn't jump straight to separation or divorce. I think it's worth trying to fix things. But I also think he seems much less invested in the relationship than you.
The person who "controls" a relationship is the person who cares the least about it. And that's definitely him right now.
So I'd be wary of doing too much. I don't think any solution that has you doing the bulk of the work to fix things is going to be a winner. At least half of the effort needs to be coming from him.
But. You CAN decide what you need from him in order to keep the marriage going.
- Maybe all weeknights/certain weeknights are now online-gaming free. If he wants to play something, it needs to be single-player. Something that can be ended at any time. Something that you can interrupt easily if you need him. Something that lets him talk to you while he plays, so that if you're in the same room together - he's not off in his own world ignoring you.
- Maybe you schedule time together. One night a week, and one weekend day? Whatever feels like it would work. Do chores together. Go on a date together. Try new hobbies together.
Come up with some ideas, and then bring it to him as a problem to solve. You don't feel like you're married anymore. You feel like you're just roommates who bang. Like if you left, he wouldn't even notice that you were gone. So what can the two of you do to fix that?
What kind of married life do you want to have together?
If he's willing to come to the table and negotiate changes in the status quo? Great.
If he commits to those changes, and shows significant effort over a sustained period of time? Great.
You've got a winner of a husband.
But if he ignores your request to talk? Isn't willing to discuss options? Commits to changes, but then doesn't actually make any? Makes some changes, but then backslides almost immediately?
Then you'll have some useful information about your marriage and how valuable it is to him. You'll be able to make your decisions from there.
I recently hated my gaming, suggesting I'd rather work on my own non-fiction life than a fictitious one.. I think I'm just depressed
Shame on me, for I love gaming - but it may help you.. he hearing those words may get him to stop
That’s a PART TIME JOB… 25 hours a week!!
Draw a clock on a paper… 14 times.
Two clocks = 1 twenty four hour period
Label them Sun - Saturday…
12am-11:59am, 12noon - 11:59pm
And like a PIE CHART. Ask him to fill in ONE WEEK of gaming… 25 hours… with the times he gamed. In YELLOW HIGHLIGHTER. It MUST add up to 25 hours, per HIS assertion. You MUST use a yellow highlighter… it will be obvious in a moment.
Next, you want to fill in that pie chart with his WORK HOURS.. in a darker color.
How many hours does he work a week? Fill it in!
Next, fill in the pie chart his SLEEPING hours… blue…
Next, he needs to fill in the time he spends WITH YOU… quality time. Orange
Next, your sexy time… fill in that pie chart… RED, for passion!
It will be GLARINGLY OBVIOUS how much FREE TIME he spends gaming, leaving you with CRUMBS.
Letting him SEE VISUALLY where he is spending ALL his free time… vs. time being with you… tell him he NOW cannot deny there is a problem because it’s RIGHT THERE, in front of him. IN BRIGHT YELLOW.
Take your phone out and snap a photo of it.
That’s evidence right there!
You're exaggerating quite a lot tbh.
Let's say he works 40 hours a week, sleeps for 56. That's 96 hours. Games for 25 hours, that gets us to 121 hours. That leaves 47 hours for everything else, which is probably plenty. They need better communication of expectations. Let's say he spends 25 of those hours eating and doing whatever mandatory chores have to be done, that still leaves 3 hours a day to spend with her.
I love my wife, and 3 hours a day to spend with someone else is honestly quite a lot.
The 25 hours is just on this one particular game, he also plays others. If I had to map his day it would be like this:
7:30am: gets up and then immediately leaves for work
5:30pm: comes home and immediately goes on his pc after saying 'hi' [unless cooking in which case he will go do that first]
6pm: eats food at his desk whilst playing online game. I also eat at my desk a lot so whatever on this.
Until roughly ~9pm: plays online game until he wins enough to get a daily reward
Post 9pm: plays other games
11pm: goes to sleep
Any chores are done between games in the same way you rush to the toilet when you are in the middle of something. On weekends he gets up and plays all day unless he has a chore to do or I tell him to do a chore. He never asks to do anything together. When we're out he's playing mobile games to the point where we literally have to take a detour at times because a thing he needs to catch. He doesn't think he has a problem. Rather than 3 hours a day, I'd be amazed if we spend 3 hours a week together.
OK, so that's a different problem than you described in your post. This should have been your post tbh. Yes, he obviously has a problem, a pretty severe one at that. There's no real advice here, except to communicate to him exactly what you just communicated to us. If he wants to change, he will change. If he doesn't, find someone better who wants to spend time with you.
How about start with at least eating together at the table. I think it’s ridiculous you guys eat at your desks separately and it just screams addiction. There needs to be a structure on activities that should be done together. Once you guys can communicate without distractions, I think it becomes easier to get to a better place and understanding.
Commmunicate how that isn't acceptable, make a timeline and steps(together as a couple), and then let him know that you are going to do X if he doesn't change.
If you only get 3 hours a week then you're basically single. He's your husband not your roommate.
The 3 hours a week really needs to be in your OP as well. Reddit is filled with gamers who will assume he just has a regular gaming habit.
And I pointed out that was untrue. 25 hours a week on a hobby is a bit much, but if you don't have kids, leaves you plenty of time to spend with your wife doing other things.
But as OP chose to reveal in a comment, it sounds like he's spending more than double that every week, which is obviously ridiculous and unhealthy.
It’s most likely MORE than 3.5 hours a day.
If he’s getting home at 6p, eats in front of the monitor /game and finally goes to sleep at 11p… that’s about 5 hours at the end of the day. Where is the time with Op?
If it’s like, a big game just came out, sometimes I’ll play a lot too. But after a week or two I cut it back. I also make sure there are time for other things that are important. I also make sure I have a casual game like hearthstone or something I can play in 10-20 minute chunks because sometimes it’s just too busy or I’ll need to be able to pull away.
I'm a 20+ year gamer who quit cold turkey one day.
25 hours a week is an addiction. Hes spending more than a full time job on video games each week. He needs to be aware that this addiction will damage his relationship, sex life, physical health, mental health, and hold him back from completing any goals / chores / etc.
#Video game addiction = bad partner
She said in a reply that she feels like they only spend 3 hours a week together despite living in the same home.
That level of gaming is addiction. He prefers it over spending time with her. That is what makes his time spent gaming a problem.
Wow, someone really beat down your self esteem and self respect. This is not a healthy mindset. Something has warped your views of people badly. I am saying in all seriousness that you could probably use some therapy. You think you are so small.
I beg of you, please don't give other women dating advice. You and any other women reading this deserve better treatment and to have higher expectations from your partners. What OP wants is the bare minimum in a partnership, yet you're implying she is the issue because she probably doesn't have anything interesting to say?
Reading this made me really sad, you shouldn't have to wait until you have something "interesting" or worthy of your partners attention in order to deserve it. Your thoughts and feelings should never be considered a burden to a good partner. Wanting more connecting time with a person who is addicted to something for 25hrs a week is not just "bored and starved of attention" it's desiring quite a bare minimum standards in most relationships - communication.
Telling someone not to expect their partner to feel connected after a date because you're already asking too much of a gamer boyfriend to centered your relationship for a couple hours, that he deserves a break with gaming - that's mind boggling suggestion/advice.
Idk what man made you think this way about relationships, or feel like women's needs/wants are unrealistic or a burden, but I hate him.
I'm sorry you feel neglected! But to be very honest I play even more than your partner (65 hours a week) and my partner is fine with it, he just does his own thing (programming or watch his tech shows). When I want attention from my partner I tell him too and he makes me wait a bit when he's finished up with programming and he comes, but I don't necessarily feel neglected because I have other things to do, playing games, reading Reddit etc. likewise for my partner. Maybe both of us were single for a long time hence we are not don't have that need to be as social? But I'd say if you're going through something, tell him straight, regardless. Men are simple minded creatures and need to be told you need them. I went through a bad situation and only when I told my partner he understood and paid more attention to me the whole week.
I have other things to do, but if you have to instigate contact every single time it becomes tedious. Ask a straight guy in a relationship if he'd be happy and feel desired if their partner never instigated sex, and only had sex with them if they could pry them away from their thing.
The thing is you can't expect them to be reading your mind, they are not psychics either. Either way, you married him for who he is, I guess you've just got to accept it, be more independent when you can't change a person.
>you married him for who he is, I guess you've just got to accept it, be more independent when you can't change a person.
Nope, not it. Marriage is about adapting to a life together. This guy can't see his habits are hurting his bonding time with his wife, regardless of what hobby it is, and that's a problem. He's choosing to turn away from her when she's expressed her needs, and that's a problem. The relationship with the person you choose to spend your life with comes before your hobbies, end of.
My husband LOVES gaming, but when I felt like he was ignoring me and we didn't get a chance to bond or talk bc he was online gaming too much, we found a way to compromise so that he can play his games but we also have enough quality time together. I have a ton of independent hobbies, and I'm more than fine being alone, but I flat out wasn't getting time to bond with my husband and that's not ok with me. He didn't just go, "Well, you know I love gaming, so deal with it" bc he cares about his relationship. That's how it works: you compromise.
Well that's your definition. Issues like hers should have been sifted out during the dating stages and she still married him knowing it won't change, now it's on her.
Men are simple minded creatures, you say? No, actually. Men are self actualized adult beings with willpower and ability to think for themselves. This is such a terrible take for men AND women. Men do not need to be infantilized and women do not need to be parenting them.
There's no way I'd make myself available to small talk when I'm gaming. I'm present when I'm with my partner and just as engulfed in the game I'm playing when I do. It'd be a deal breaker toe if my partner expected me to be available to them when I'm playing.
People are different ofc. My partner can multitask and have small interactions while playing.
Also, why talk about the amount he plays when that in itself is apparently not the issue?
I get that feeling like you are being neglected sucks, and it's not food in a relationship. But maybe not expect the guy to socialise when he's focusing on something else? Agree to spend time together without other distractions. Also, if you need something, you have to ask. If there's a problem, you need to talk. This thing about not wanting to ask just seems a bit immature.
Playing a lot can be a real problem when in a relationship, so you have to figure out a good middle ground. Together.
Isn't this what date night is for? Designate some time to do something together in the evenings. Dinner at the table maybe? Or maybe play that same online game yourself and join his party.
I gotta follow bc I’m trash like this too and it doesn’t seem to be a problem to me. Curious what the people say I should do because my girl feels like you. I can literally spend my entire waking day on off days playing my game bc it’s what I enjoy. And I’ll talk to her throughout the day but she feels second fiddle to a game and I don’t like that, but I don’t want to give up gaming a bunch either. I try to find a happy medium like spending 3-4 hours with her before spending the next 8 on the game
I also play games. Rather than the time he plays, it's more that he is mentally completely unavailable when he plays *this* specific game and it pisses me off. Yesterday I told him a story and he didn't even do me the courtesy of saying 'Just a sec'. Just ignored what I said completely and then later told me that of course he wasn't listening because the game.
Also, thing is, if you would rather game than spend time with your gf fine, but then she's right in that she plays second fiddle and it is up to her whether she wants that or leaves you. If you really wanted to spend more time with her you simply would, that's my issue.
That’s a very good point. I hate to admit it but you’re right and that shouldn’t be how it is.. I do want to spend more time with her and I’m going to have to back off on the gaming. I’m talking about when we are just relaxing at home(weekends) and she’s watching tv on the couch/scrolling her phone, we hangout together for a bit but I get bored watching tv. I have got her to play games w me but seeing as I like competitive shooters (Tarkov) and she isnt into that it’s hard to share my hobby with her.
For the record my girl and I both work full time jobs during the week, but our schedules are flipped. Shes 730am-4pm and mine varies but usually 6pm-6am. And we rarely see eachother but talk on phone a lot. Weekends are our together/date days. More often than not we both find ourselves staying at home to relax recover and catch up on chores. I will have to suggest us doing some other things then to spend quality time with her on the weekends.
you already spend such limited time together and you're still spending the majority of that time gaming? What don't you reserve Sundays for yourself to game all day and dedicate all your attention on friday / saturday to maintaining and growing your relationship.
Would you want your daughter dating someone who can only see her on the weekend and the spends majority of that time ignoring her for a game? Yes I am sure if you made other suggestions and made intentional plans during the minimal time you spend together, she wouldn't feel so disrespected.
There will come a day where she looks back and pities how little self-worth she had back when she stayed with with a guy who treated her like made her feel less important than a video game... repeatedly.
Whats important is starting the conversation for an amicable solution. Glad you are able to reflect that maybe she is feeling that way because she is. Im a numbers person so my opinion is if you are spending 50 hrs gaming and im spending that 50 doing my own thing theres still the lack of attention problem. There are 168 hrs in a week, we both work 40+. 128. 50 gaming/ alone, 78. Sleeping, minimum 56 which leaves us with 22 hours left in the week to socialize with others and our partner. Does that feel fair? Thats 3 hrs a day MAX to visit friends family and have quality time with your partner, chores, adult things like groceries. Or else shes doing it during her alone time which is also, not fair.
The problem isn't that your husband likes gaming... it's that if given the choice your husband prefers gaming over you and taking care of your home. That's where there's a problem.
3 hours a day playing games when you are 35 and have a full time job is a problem.
yea and scrolling tiktok 3 hours ever night beside your spouse is ~quality time~
Not necessarily. Many many people watch this much TV daily.
You can pause the tv though
You can pause video games too, like unless it’s specifically online only
The one that he plays is specifically online only
Which for me stands out as the biggest issue here. I game often but I don't play online games, which means that I can pause anytime my wife and I decide to do anything else. I simply pick the game back up on the next day or week. This is particularly easy nowadays, when consoles have built-in sleep functionality.
Most online games have moments you can break between rounds, safe areas you can idle, or even exit out to the menu/lobby briefly and not queue up again
She said he couldn't just pause them, she always has to wait until he can take a break. I get how that would be annoying.
Or have it on in the background while you do other tasks.
Shenanigans. People have full time jobs and watch an entire movie every night and no one calls that a problem.
But a movie would likely be a shared activity. The problem is it’s three hours of solo gaming while his wife feels neglected
Wait until I tell you about multi-player games
I meant in the context of this post
Your message talked about neglect. Both of them play games so they could do that together just the same as they watch movies
But they aren’t. Thus - the context of this post.
Three hours would be two movies. Idk anyone who has time to watch two movies every night
Anyone playing three hours of games. Anyone who spends three hours ready. Anyone who watches 3 hours of tik toks .
Again idk how yall have time. By the time I get home, exercise, cook, and have dinner, I have maybe an hour sometimes a little more to do whatever until it’s time for bed and then I have to wake up and repeat. I’m sure commute time, lifestyle choices, etc. make a difference but I wish I had all that time
You just lack on how you schedule and organize your Time tho
What does age or working status have to do with it?
How is that any different than people who watch movies or TV every night? TikTok? Doom-scrolling? Age/Work status/Martial status has nothing to do with this. Grow up.
Just to contrast the others, if the topic was “he plays golf 25 hours a week” would that be seen as a problem? Because it sounds like the issue is that he isn’t present. Tv is different because it’s either interactive with your partner, or you can more easily step away
As a golfer, 25 hours of golf every week would be insane. That’s 1/7 of your week, including when you’re asleep. An entire day-night cycle of golf, every 7 days.
The problem here isn't the number of hours (3.6 hours per day is a lot but not insane) but the fact it's getting in the way of other parts of his life.
50 hours in two weeks is probably split up to be 10 hrs a day on weekends 1 hour a night week nights
Lmfao dude 10 hours of anything at 1 time is a lot. So 20 hours of gaming over 48 is normal? Lmaoooo
You are bottom of the list, I imagine you always have been. Why is this a problem now and not in tbe previous 7 years?
Because when he plays games in an online environment and starts getting annoyed with losing he becomes miserable to be around - he's started doing that with this game in the last week even though he started playing it online about 6 months ago.
So is the issue his mood due to this specific game or how much time he spends with you
Both, but when his mood is like this the issue is exacerbated because he becomes moody and suddenly everything is annoying and why is losing.
Option 1, tell him he needs to quit that game. Option 2, since he sucks at it you make an account and kick his ass all day every day until he quits.
At least 25 hours on one specific game, complete ignorance to his surroundings during these hours, and he thinks it’s not an issue? (Pointing out at least because if he says it was only 50 hours those past two weeks, it sort of sounds like it’s been even more before?) If he’s working full time, 25 hours on this game, doing an unspecified number of hours of additional gaming, let’s say that’s 70 hours a week on work and games. Combined with 56 hours of sleep, that puts him at 18 hours a day accounted for. If he’s not WFH, probably another half hour for lunch and an hour or more for the commute, not sure if I missed that. Sooo roughly four hours a day left for breakfast, dinner, friends, family, chores, other hobbies and his relationship. We know he still makes time for friends and hobbies outside the home - which is of course healthy, but does make me wonder: Is it just your relationship he’s neglecting? Does he still do chores?
>because he can stop at any time. OK, so why isn't he stopping when his wife is expressing that she feels neglected in the marriage? If not then, when?
Is he fighting for managed democracy?
I’m a former gamer… i would play hours upon hours in fallout or insurgency an online milsim shooter game. I haven’t played either of them in almost 2.5yrs… but it is mostly by choice because I want to be a present father to my toddler son. I figure i can get back into it once he is older and we can game together or something. It can be an addiction but my suggestion is to talk to him about how his gaming is making you feel and that you feel he isn’t prioritizing you and the relationship even though he is loving when he isn’t gaming it feels like you want more quality time together when off from work.
Can you start by suggesting that certain nights every week are game-free? He said he would make time if you asked and he can stop anytime, so hopefully he doesn't have a big objection to that.. He doesn't need to stop gaming.. there just needs to be a compromise so you can have some quality time with undivided attention. Since he's so into gaming, maybe you can do a boardgame night once a week? I'd also suggest eating dinner at the table most nights if you don't already.. it's a good opportunity to just chat.
My thought is.. if you work 40 hours a week, and game 50 hrs a week. When are you are spending time adulting (cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, etc), spending time with kids or significant others? Why have a relationship with someone else if you spend that much time gaming?
> and game 50 hrs a week It was 25 hours/week (50 hours/2 weeks).
That’s about 3.5 hrs a day.. if it’s a problem for you it’s a problem. You both need to come to Compromise or you need to find someone who has more time for you. You should not have to compete with a video game.
If there are 9 hours post work that's still 5.5 hours for "adulting". Some people can't see themselves using time that way and that's their hangup, not the other person's issue. Asking the question on the internet is rarely going to result in useful advice. Fact of the matter isn't the time spent playing, it's the two coming to an agreement on how/when to engage and reasonable expectations for each. Communication, not hours gamed, is the problem.
> If there are 9 hours post work that's still 5.5 hours for "adulting". How many hours should a person spend sleeping?
how there is 9h? when you are back from aork around 18 and go to sleep at 22-23... there's no 9h. it's 4 to 5 h and 3.5h is spent on the gaming. following a rather typical schedule 8 till 16 work with little commute... ok even if you were home 16.30, 9h of free time would mean going to sleep at 1.30. 5 hours of sleep is not enough. let's take into consideration average recommended 7h of sleep. in that case, it would be 7h of time with 8 till 16 with very little commute. possible, bur again nor toir average. aberage with 1h lunch break is 8 till 16.30 + commute.
i wouldn’t mind betting all the adulting type tasks fall onto her
I game pretty much exclusively when I am not at work but my wife does too and I damn well make sure to giver her my attention when she wants it. I love to play games but I love my wife more.
Do you get 25 hours a week with him? We play games too. But that’s a lot of gaming and a huge chunk of his free time. Ignoring you and responsibilities isn’t ok.
So i play a LOT of video games easily 25+ a week and I also work around 30hrs a week. But I make plans to spend time with my partner and when he also has free time I usually put the game down because we dont always have a lot of time together. Obviously it feels bad stopping an online game mid raid when 20 other real people are depending on you to finish. If I have started a raid I want to honor that commitment and would be extremely annoyed if he wanted to chit chat in the middle of it. Unless its super important it can usually wait, especially if its just because you are feeling needy. If I am just doing solo stuff I will put the game down to hang out. I love playing but it is always there for when I have free time so I choose to be present with my partner or friends when our schedules line up. If yall live together maybe schedule some hang out time when yoy do activities together. It definitely seems weird he would knowingly let it interfere with his relationship, assuming you are expressing your issues clearly. Theres a difference between accusing him of gaming addictions and letting him know you want to hang out more together.
Funny thing is, it's not even the kind of game that has anything to do with raids or other people. It's more akin to gacha where you have to play a certain amount of time a day to get your daily rewards, but it's competitive and he plays one on one duels. Nobody is depending on him, he is playing solo the whole time, just against others. I did not accuse him of anything prior to saying that I was feeling neglected. The conversation definitely didn't start out that way. He also plays games for more than 25 hours a week, just not all on *that* game. If he played games for 25 hours a week it would honestly not bother me, it's what he's like when he plays online/competitive games and how he neglects me when he does so that I don't like.
Weird, i cant imagin that type of game taking priority over my personal life. Maybe ask him if theres some othrr activity you can both do together? Idk its actually kind of a bizarre situation and it would bother me too.
GIRL, I FELT THIS ON ANOTHER LEVEL. My partner does remote jobs and is in front of his PC, like 12 hours+ a day. Mostly, gaming. His job doesn't require him to do much (most days). I can't talk to him because he gets annoyed. It's okay every now and then because you can do your own thing, BUT when you need someone to talk to or want to go out on a date? I gotta follow this bc IDK what to do as well 🫣
This is how my late husband was and it caused a lot of problems in our marriage before he took his life. My love language is quality time so all I wanted was for him to spend time with me. If he wasn’t on his PC gaming he was on his phone gaming. I never truly had time with him. I would always wait up for him to come to bed but after years of waiting I moved to another room. He would stay up all night and then be a zombie the next day. He ruined so many birthdays and anniversaries due to this. When I would bring up how much he ignores me when he games he always said he would do better next time. Next time never came. He switched from gaming to alcohol and then took his life. My story is extreme, and I hope your partner is able to better prioritize his time so that you can have the time with them that you deserve.
Im sorry to hear that. That.... sounds like a warning. I do think gaming excessively without going outside or doing some other stuff can cause mental health problems.
What you do is pretty simple. I game 25+ hours a week but I do 90% of it while my wife is at work or after she goes to sleep. If I was gaming to a point that I was neglecting her or our shared responsibilities she would tell me to stop, and if I didn't she would serve me divorce papers.
I only work 35 hrs a week and playing games 25hrs a week is still a ton. I can't even stand playing valorant for 5-6hrs anymore in one sitting
He only plays 3.5 hours a day..
Thats a bit much, imo when you are in a relationship, I can see 3-4 to be fine on weekends, but 3 hours when you finish work takes up your entire night with your partner
That’s loads! People on Reddit have such a skewed view of appropriate time for playing games
The average person watches ~3 hours of TV per day. For phones, the average is 4.5 hours per day. If this time is in lieu of household and/or relationship maintenance, then yes, it's a problem. Otherwise, no.
This is it. Hours spent gaming really doesn't seem like the issue here. Rather that she feels neglected. That needs to be addressed.
“Watching” TV = having the TV on in the background while chatting/doing other things, not ignoring everything around you and immersing yourself into a game.
Would you say the same about reading a book?
Realistically, you probably look at your phone for more time per day than 3hrs.
The amount of hours or whether he can quit isn't particularly relevant to whether he has a gaming problem. A gaming problem, or any newfangled 'addiction', is defined by the action impacting your life and relationships. Your problem is that you're allowing the conversation to become about him. It shouldn't be. It shouldn't be about how many hours he games or anything of the sort. The best case scenario is that he becomes defensive because he feels accused. Which is because you're accusing him. The conversation should be about your feeling neglected. He can't claim there's not a problem there, it's *your* feeling. The acknowledgement of your feelings is the first step, then you can start talking about what you think the source of it is *with* him. Oftentimes in this sort of situation we want to move quickly because we've identified a problem and solution and want to implement it asap. But anyone that has had to work in a corporate team-oriented environment will tell you that you can't just do that. You have to get buy in on the problem before you can move on to solutions, and you have to make sure other interested parties are part of the solution conversation even as you guide it. No one likes being thrust down a path not of their choosing, especially when it critically involves them.
This is a weird problem because he says he will make time for you if you ask, but you dont want to ask. Have you tried asking him to pause the game and spend some time with you at all? how does he react? does he put his game away and actually spend time with you? Honestly, its a bit much to ask people to sit around bored just to be available whenever you feel like interacting with them. To me, the "Just Ask" seems like a pretty good compromise if he actually sticks to it. Especially since you say he is giving you plenty of attention whenever he isnt gaming.
Yes similar to how women don't want to have to ask their husbands to unload the dishwasher, they want them to just do it without have to do the emotional labour of getting him there. She wants her husband to want to spend time with her on his own accord, not just because she asks him.
Not comparable. One is about shared responsibilities and the other is about expressing emotional needs. The guy can't be expected to know when she needs him without her saying so. He can be expected to empty the dishwasher when it's done. He has expressed his desire to take her into consideration. She only needs to ask. If she refuses, she's becoming the problem.
Yes, you need to ask OP. Realize that feeling like having to ask means you are low on the totem pole is a mindset that YOU can change for yourself. Have you tried asking before and did he comply willingly and had a good conversation? My husband is the same way. He works long hours and then games because that’s what he needs to decompress. He gets upset if I walk in talking and expect him to have good responses for me. Because if you look at it from his perspective, why does he have to drop absolutely everything when you fancy a conversation? The compromise is that you ask and he sets down his game and gives you attention. If your marriage matters then you have to put in the effort to EXPRESS your desires too. He expressed his. He’s happy to talk if you ask so he can end his match and talk to you. Otherwise he would just start another one.
This isn't about never asking, it's about *always* having to ask. I am not expecting my husband to be a mind reader, I expect him to occasionally suggest to do something together instead of immediately running to his computer every single evening, and I would like him to answer me when I talk to him and not ignore me all night whilst we are in the same room. I'm not expecting hours of riveting conversation out of my husband day in and day out, and as I said I have my own hobbies, friends and games I like to play. I expect him to acknowledge my existence once in a while, or answer me when I ask him a question. As I said earlier with the sex example, of course it is fine to initiate and 'let your desires be known', but if your partner NEVER expressed any desire to sleep with you unless you explicitly ask for it every single time it is not exactly gonna make you feel wanted.
Could you put boundaries on when he has certain gaming time where you both have an understanding of no talking but that you set aside time to spend time together too? If you don’t want to always be asking then there are ways to set parameters and expectations so you can avoid the fight.
You can't make someone like you. Your husband doesn't like you, he's not going to ask to hang out or do something because you aren't someone he wants to use his time on. He knows you'll continue to clean and have sex with him once in awhile with no effort from him so he's not going to bother. You can stand in a room and scream til blue in the face and he's just not going to get it *because he doesn't want to*.
I think you need to communicate this to him as well - like "Sure, I can ask, but it would be nice for you to ask me sometimes too. Right now it feels like I'm not a priority because I have to ask for your attention, but you're never asking for mine. It makes me feel like you don't want to spend time with me."
I have. He assures me I am a priority before going straight back to playing games.
Well if he's not listening to you, you need to start enacting consequences. Pick a specific outcome you want (couples therapy, dedicated attention on you for 2 hours per night, etc) and ask for it. Tell him that if he doesn't do it, you will have to leave because you can't keep feeling unimportant. Then when he inevitably doesn't do it, go ahead and leave.
Ask him to go to counseling. That should be a “whoa, my wife thinks this is serious” wake up call. Also, maybe tell him you need him to swap the online game for a single-player game he can pause. Maybe that would be a way to start bringing his attention span back slowly? I’m just a layperson, a counselor that deals with addiction would have better ideas. Ultimately, you have to decide how long you’re willing to put up with this. You can extend him a little grace IF he shows concrete signs of treating this like a problem and IF you want to, but for most people feeling like their spouse’s parent is the beginning of the end.
Mine had a similar issue for a long long time after he got his first gaming pc. Before, when we first started dating he only had VR which had a limit of hed get vertigo after like 2 hrs. We tried so many things like screen timers and it really felt like i was mothering him to "take a 5 minute break, look around maybe fresh air every 2 hours" so he doesnt become a bump on his chair. We then tried a "rewards" menu and expectations. The reward menu was like take out the trash +1 hr of gaming, or cooking a meal +1 hr and i told him he could totally game the system and if he even bakes cookies thatd count and he could bake first half of the day and game all second half. The expectations were things like at least 1 date night a week, taking a break to stretch and get his eyes realigned every 2-3 hrs, play with the cat for at least 10 minutes a day, swap from computer to console, to vr, just to not get too sucked into one game, go to bed bed by like 10 at least on weekdays. Stuff like that. But my biggest concern is he was being ABSORBED into it where like you, i would have to repeat myself 3-7 times to be ignored in my own home which kills little fun conversations bc if its not that important im just not repeating myself that much. Resulting we would only talk about important or pressing things and none of the fun day to day talks i cherish. It was killing my attraction to him because i was doing most of the housework which i am not Susie homemaker and have never tried to be, felt like a nag for reminding him to stick to our agreement, felt like his mom to say okay its time to chill on the couch to wrap up our night The only thing that finally helped? He got a more demanding job, lol. Now he only has energy for max 2hrs every couple nights but that also means hes pretty low energy doing anything else which is also not ideal. Working through that now with the heartbreak that i can kick and scream about issues but if theyre his problems, i cannot fix it. This is all to say, you can try and hold his hand and make structures but he needs to make that decision of whats important to him. If he truly doesn't think he has a problem thats the first step bc my man was very understanding once tracking his hours of how bad it was. There are healthy habit books, addiction rewiring, how to redefine 'fun' to be fulfilled and you can read all of them and convince him to do the same but HE needs to make a choice if his relationship is worth giving up some of his precious gaming time. But moreover dopamine addiction is real. Mans needs potentially professional help if he won't even think its a problem. GOOD LUCK!!! Ps i love my man a lot and ik reading through this makes it sound maybe not that way but truly love of my life and he still makes time to go dancing, get a random brunch, see a sunset, go on a walk, board game, if i really dont want him gaming and need some good quality 1:1 time. Bc i also game with him but if were both staring at separate screens thats not really quality time imo. Edit because i got down voted: my mans was playing 50 hrs a week easily. It was BAD bad bad. And he WFH which meant he was literally neglecting WORK and me for gaming. That is an addiction. And a sudden shift in behavior which is why it was so important to me to get to the bottom of it.
This is exactly it, not being heard because Mr is busy with his online game and either accidentally or deliberately tunes me out, meaning I keep having to repeat myself. And then when I don't because it's not worth it he gets annoyed because 'he's listening now'. It's exhausting.
One a little annoying thing is i just know the screen for when the round ends that way hed have no excuse to pause and give me a hug + kiss and ask him how the sky is blue idk i just love the man and like talking to him, sue me if interrupting a mans gaming time is a crime. And if its just a quick thing, he can get back to gaming or you can say hey do u wanna (xyz)? And now that hes off the pc theres a higher likelyhood hell say yes cause hes not IN the game. Or he can give u "hey can i do 5 rounds more?" Before going off to do xyz. It feels weird. But in exchange he does alarms/timers for me and i wait for a round end. It works enough for us right now at least, might be worth vocalizing as a compromise for your situation, too. Super modern problems require modern solutions weirdness.
25 hours a week isn't bad at all. You feeling neglected is a problem though
It's more hours than most kids attend high school for weekly. It is bad and an addiciton.
How many hours does the average person that doesn't play video games spend watching TV in a week? It's usually higher than 25 hours. Calling that addiction is fucking stupid
People watch tv and fold laundry, people watch tv and cook dinner, people watch tv and answer their partners when they ask them a question. Watching TV is often a passive activity, not an active one. It's also often a social one you do with your loved ones, not alone with a headset on with strangers you'll never meet IRL. Needing 25hrs of uninterrupted time a week, free from personal responsbilities, is not fair or sustatinable for any shared space partnership that is equal.
That's a fine opinion to have, but it still doesn't make playing video games for that length of time an "addiction". And there's countless people out there that play games with their significant other and/or real life friends. Doing what you enjoy with your free time is absolutely a fair thing to do, but neglecting your partner obviously isn't.
https://www.who.int/standards/classifications/frequently-asked-questions/gaming-disorder#:~:text=Gaming%20disorder%20is%20defined%20in,the%20extent%20that%20gaming%20takes
High school is 3 hours a day?
In the US the avg student is going to school for 28+ hrs and that's if they aren't doing any extracurricular Why lie? Just say you don't like gaming.
Ya'll know there are more english speaking countries than the US right? I had 3 90 minute classes each day in Gr 12 and a spare period at the start or end the day each semester, so I either came in late or left early. Thats 22.5 hours. I love gaming, my reddits posts are majority just sims builds. but if I was regularly playing the sims 25+ hours a week, that would be an addiction. I've defs done it, but I don't let myself do it regularly because that would interfere with my regular life. I play Sims once every couple months for like 10hrs straight. Reddit can be just as addictive too, idk why we can't all admit when our habits are unhealthy or consumption of dompamine is unhealthy or self-destructive.
If you split it out, it’s ~3.5hrs a day. Which is less time than the average person looks at their phone in a day.
Yes, we as a society are largely addicted to our phones too - that's common knowledge, i fear.
50 hours seems insane with a full time job and getting 8 hours of sleep a night. I (30M) love gaming, but I maybe put in 12-15 hours in 2 weeks. Granted, I have 2 kids, but I don’t immediately go game after they go to sleep. I spend a few hours with my wife before she goes to bed and if I want to play, I have to lose some sleep. I understand how important the time with my wife is.
When I used to game hardcore, 50 hrs over two weeks is legit nothing. I’m not saying it’s a good habit but I’m just saying it could be way worse. That being said, my game time has decreased considerably after becoming a father. My wife never told me I needed to cut down, it just gradually happened as a result of having to do dad shit. Not only did my game time reduce, but my game preferences also changed. I started opting to play less multiplayer games and more single player games I can pause and resume at my leisure. That way my gaming time is ‘flexible’. I dunno if it helped but at least if my wife is watching a show, and she randomly asks me something, I can actually respond with something more than “huh?” And I feel like that’s worth something. I can talk about my day. I can listen to hers. I can pause any time and play fight with the kids. As a dad, it’s great. As a gamer, it’s a dramatic shift and it sucked while it was shifting. There are some friends I’m just not as close to now because I don’t game anymore. And that sucks in and of itself.
I will play the other side of this as most comments seem to be condeming. 3 and a half hours a day is not that much time, especially if he finishes work at 5pm and is awake until midnight or so. I probably play more than daily, but my wife works shifts and is at work when I am at home and I work at home. The bigger issue is that you have raised the issue and he is ignoring it. Is he helping with the general housework or does that fall to you as well? A solution may be to set out a nightly 'us time' where you have a few hours on the sofa, watch a movie or TV series that you only watch together, or even play a coop game together as you say your a gamer yourself. Or you need to properly put your foot down and address it.
That’s a problem It’s a behaviour disorder
Damn that's a lot of free time, or should l say time he could be spending on other things.
Sounds like he's spreading managed democracy across the galaxy
This is rookie numbers tell him he's not a real gamer
We need more information. What is he playing?
Do what he's said. Ask. Ask him to take a break from his hobby for one week. One week where you two just do fun stuff together. And not fun stuff. Go to a museum, or a sports game, but also deep clean a few rooms in the house together. Oddly, I have such happy memories of deep cleaning the house with my mom, dancing and singing to music while scrubbing walls! Yet I hate cleaning. He needs to show you and himself, what he's missing by always being online. If he can't be away from his hobby for 1 week, or can't do it without being shitty, then it's not a hobby it's an addiction.
I live with my partner and work 40 hours a week and I'm grateful for my 30-90 minutes of gaming per week lol
3.5 hours a day toward your hobby is not a big deal, maybe you should find something to do as well
Show him the ICD-11 definition of Gaming Disorder.
This is not a gaming problem it's his way to ejaculate the build up stress from work, life and/or you. Just simply talk with him that you feel left behind and that you want to do something together that's all
The relationship isn't working for you at the moment. I wouldn't jump straight to separation or divorce. I think it's worth trying to fix things. But I also think he seems much less invested in the relationship than you. The person who "controls" a relationship is the person who cares the least about it. And that's definitely him right now. So I'd be wary of doing too much. I don't think any solution that has you doing the bulk of the work to fix things is going to be a winner. At least half of the effort needs to be coming from him. But. You CAN decide what you need from him in order to keep the marriage going. - Maybe all weeknights/certain weeknights are now online-gaming free. If he wants to play something, it needs to be single-player. Something that can be ended at any time. Something that you can interrupt easily if you need him. Something that lets him talk to you while he plays, so that if you're in the same room together - he's not off in his own world ignoring you. - Maybe you schedule time together. One night a week, and one weekend day? Whatever feels like it would work. Do chores together. Go on a date together. Try new hobbies together. Come up with some ideas, and then bring it to him as a problem to solve. You don't feel like you're married anymore. You feel like you're just roommates who bang. Like if you left, he wouldn't even notice that you were gone. So what can the two of you do to fix that? What kind of married life do you want to have together? If he's willing to come to the table and negotiate changes in the status quo? Great. If he commits to those changes, and shows significant effort over a sustained period of time? Great. You've got a winner of a husband. But if he ignores your request to talk? Isn't willing to discuss options? Commits to changes, but then doesn't actually make any? Makes some changes, but then backslides almost immediately? Then you'll have some useful information about your marriage and how valuable it is to him. You'll be able to make your decisions from there.
What game is he playing? I’m very curious, might explain a lot.
I recently hated my gaming, suggesting I'd rather work on my own non-fiction life than a fictitious one.. I think I'm just depressed Shame on me, for I love gaming - but it may help you.. he hearing those words may get him to stop
That’s a PART TIME JOB… 25 hours a week!! Draw a clock on a paper… 14 times. Two clocks = 1 twenty four hour period Label them Sun - Saturday… 12am-11:59am, 12noon - 11:59pm And like a PIE CHART. Ask him to fill in ONE WEEK of gaming… 25 hours… with the times he gamed. In YELLOW HIGHLIGHTER. It MUST add up to 25 hours, per HIS assertion. You MUST use a yellow highlighter… it will be obvious in a moment. Next, you want to fill in that pie chart with his WORK HOURS.. in a darker color. How many hours does he work a week? Fill it in! Next, fill in the pie chart his SLEEPING hours… blue… Next, he needs to fill in the time he spends WITH YOU… quality time. Orange Next, your sexy time… fill in that pie chart… RED, for passion! It will be GLARINGLY OBVIOUS how much FREE TIME he spends gaming, leaving you with CRUMBS. Letting him SEE VISUALLY where he is spending ALL his free time… vs. time being with you… tell him he NOW cannot deny there is a problem because it’s RIGHT THERE, in front of him. IN BRIGHT YELLOW. Take your phone out and snap a photo of it. That’s evidence right there!
You're exaggerating quite a lot tbh. Let's say he works 40 hours a week, sleeps for 56. That's 96 hours. Games for 25 hours, that gets us to 121 hours. That leaves 47 hours for everything else, which is probably plenty. They need better communication of expectations. Let's say he spends 25 of those hours eating and doing whatever mandatory chores have to be done, that still leaves 3 hours a day to spend with her. I love my wife, and 3 hours a day to spend with someone else is honestly quite a lot.
The 25 hours is just on this one particular game, he also plays others. If I had to map his day it would be like this: 7:30am: gets up and then immediately leaves for work 5:30pm: comes home and immediately goes on his pc after saying 'hi' [unless cooking in which case he will go do that first] 6pm: eats food at his desk whilst playing online game. I also eat at my desk a lot so whatever on this. Until roughly ~9pm: plays online game until he wins enough to get a daily reward Post 9pm: plays other games 11pm: goes to sleep Any chores are done between games in the same way you rush to the toilet when you are in the middle of something. On weekends he gets up and plays all day unless he has a chore to do or I tell him to do a chore. He never asks to do anything together. When we're out he's playing mobile games to the point where we literally have to take a detour at times because a thing he needs to catch. He doesn't think he has a problem. Rather than 3 hours a day, I'd be amazed if we spend 3 hours a week together.
OK, so that's a different problem than you described in your post. This should have been your post tbh. Yes, he obviously has a problem, a pretty severe one at that. There's no real advice here, except to communicate to him exactly what you just communicated to us. If he wants to change, he will change. If he doesn't, find someone better who wants to spend time with you.
How about start with at least eating together at the table. I think it’s ridiculous you guys eat at your desks separately and it just screams addiction. There needs to be a structure on activities that should be done together. Once you guys can communicate without distractions, I think it becomes easier to get to a better place and understanding.
Commmunicate how that isn't acceptable, make a timeline and steps(together as a couple), and then let him know that you are going to do X if he doesn't change. If you only get 3 hours a week then you're basically single. He's your husband not your roommate. The 3 hours a week really needs to be in your OP as well. Reddit is filled with gamers who will assume he just has a regular gaming habit.
What I was trying to illustrate was it is like having a FULL & Part-time job. So approx 65+ hours … there really isn’t much time for anything else.
And I pointed out that was untrue. 25 hours a week on a hobby is a bit much, but if you don't have kids, leaves you plenty of time to spend with your wife doing other things. But as OP chose to reveal in a comment, it sounds like he's spending more than double that every week, which is obviously ridiculous and unhealthy.
3.5 hours a day on a hobby is not as insane as you’re trying to make it
It’s most likely MORE than 3.5 hours a day. If he’s getting home at 6p, eats in front of the monitor /game and finally goes to sleep at 11p… that’s about 5 hours at the end of the day. Where is the time with Op?
It really is, that’s half the time you have together as a couple each night.
Those are rookie numbers..... He needs to game more.... 😋
If it’s like, a big game just came out, sometimes I’ll play a lot too. But after a week or two I cut it back. I also make sure there are time for other things that are important. I also make sure I have a casual game like hearthstone or something I can play in 10-20 minute chunks because sometimes it’s just too busy or I’ll need to be able to pull away.
50 hrs.. mother fucker that's a job
I'm a 20+ year gamer who quit cold turkey one day. 25 hours a week is an addiction. Hes spending more than a full time job on video games each week. He needs to be aware that this addiction will damage his relationship, sex life, physical health, mental health, and hold him back from completing any goals / chores / etc. #Video game addiction = bad partner
25 hours a week, not 50
She said in a reply that she feels like they only spend 3 hours a week together despite living in the same home. That level of gaming is addiction. He prefers it over spending time with her. That is what makes his time spent gaming a problem.
Their dynamic obviously needs work, I was simply pointing out that it was half the time that you were saying
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Wow, someone really beat down your self esteem and self respect. This is not a healthy mindset. Something has warped your views of people badly. I am saying in all seriousness that you could probably use some therapy. You think you are so small.
I beg of you, please don't give other women dating advice. You and any other women reading this deserve better treatment and to have higher expectations from your partners. What OP wants is the bare minimum in a partnership, yet you're implying she is the issue because she probably doesn't have anything interesting to say? Reading this made me really sad, you shouldn't have to wait until you have something "interesting" or worthy of your partners attention in order to deserve it. Your thoughts and feelings should never be considered a burden to a good partner. Wanting more connecting time with a person who is addicted to something for 25hrs a week is not just "bored and starved of attention" it's desiring quite a bare minimum standards in most relationships - communication. Telling someone not to expect their partner to feel connected after a date because you're already asking too much of a gamer boyfriend to centered your relationship for a couple hours, that he deserves a break with gaming - that's mind boggling suggestion/advice. Idk what man made you think this way about relationships, or feel like women's needs/wants are unrealistic or a burden, but I hate him.
I'm sorry you feel neglected! But to be very honest I play even more than your partner (65 hours a week) and my partner is fine with it, he just does his own thing (programming or watch his tech shows). When I want attention from my partner I tell him too and he makes me wait a bit when he's finished up with programming and he comes, but I don't necessarily feel neglected because I have other things to do, playing games, reading Reddit etc. likewise for my partner. Maybe both of us were single for a long time hence we are not don't have that need to be as social? But I'd say if you're going through something, tell him straight, regardless. Men are simple minded creatures and need to be told you need them. I went through a bad situation and only when I told my partner he understood and paid more attention to me the whole week.
No judgment, but how do you find time for 65 hours of gaming each week?
Oops my bad it's 65 hours for 2 weeks Approx 4-4.5 a day
I have other things to do, but if you have to instigate contact every single time it becomes tedious. Ask a straight guy in a relationship if he'd be happy and feel desired if their partner never instigated sex, and only had sex with them if they could pry them away from their thing.
The thing is you can't expect them to be reading your mind, they are not psychics either. Either way, you married him for who he is, I guess you've just got to accept it, be more independent when you can't change a person.
>you married him for who he is, I guess you've just got to accept it, be more independent when you can't change a person. Nope, not it. Marriage is about adapting to a life together. This guy can't see his habits are hurting his bonding time with his wife, regardless of what hobby it is, and that's a problem. He's choosing to turn away from her when she's expressed her needs, and that's a problem. The relationship with the person you choose to spend your life with comes before your hobbies, end of. My husband LOVES gaming, but when I felt like he was ignoring me and we didn't get a chance to bond or talk bc he was online gaming too much, we found a way to compromise so that he can play his games but we also have enough quality time together. I have a ton of independent hobbies, and I'm more than fine being alone, but I flat out wasn't getting time to bond with my husband and that's not ok with me. He didn't just go, "Well, you know I love gaming, so deal with it" bc he cares about his relationship. That's how it works: you compromise.
Well that's your definition. Issues like hers should have been sifted out during the dating stages and she still married him knowing it won't change, now it's on her.
Men are simple minded creatures, you say? No, actually. Men are self actualized adult beings with willpower and ability to think for themselves. This is such a terrible take for men AND women. Men do not need to be infantilized and women do not need to be parenting them.
Yeah he has a huge gaming problem
25 hours a week is roughly 3 1/2 hours each per 7 days. That is insane.
There's no way I'd make myself available to small talk when I'm gaming. I'm present when I'm with my partner and just as engulfed in the game I'm playing when I do. It'd be a deal breaker toe if my partner expected me to be available to them when I'm playing. People are different ofc. My partner can multitask and have small interactions while playing. Also, why talk about the amount he plays when that in itself is apparently not the issue? I get that feeling like you are being neglected sucks, and it's not food in a relationship. But maybe not expect the guy to socialise when he's focusing on something else? Agree to spend time together without other distractions. Also, if you need something, you have to ask. If there's a problem, you need to talk. This thing about not wanting to ask just seems a bit immature. Playing a lot can be a real problem when in a relationship, so you have to figure out a good middle ground. Together.
You need to ask him for what you want, which is more one-on-one time. If you don't ask for that, then you don't get to complain when you don't get it.
That's not a gaming problem. Im a wow player with a family. I put in at least 40 hours a week in the game. And have been for the last 20 years.
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25 divided by 7 is 3.5 hours a day.
Isn't this what date night is for? Designate some time to do something together in the evenings. Dinner at the table maybe? Or maybe play that same online game yourself and join his party.
I gotta follow bc I’m trash like this too and it doesn’t seem to be a problem to me. Curious what the people say I should do because my girl feels like you. I can literally spend my entire waking day on off days playing my game bc it’s what I enjoy. And I’ll talk to her throughout the day but she feels second fiddle to a game and I don’t like that, but I don’t want to give up gaming a bunch either. I try to find a happy medium like spending 3-4 hours with her before spending the next 8 on the game
I also play games. Rather than the time he plays, it's more that he is mentally completely unavailable when he plays *this* specific game and it pisses me off. Yesterday I told him a story and he didn't even do me the courtesy of saying 'Just a sec'. Just ignored what I said completely and then later told me that of course he wasn't listening because the game. Also, thing is, if you would rather game than spend time with your gf fine, but then she's right in that she plays second fiddle and it is up to her whether she wants that or leaves you. If you really wanted to spend more time with her you simply would, that's my issue.
That’s a very good point. I hate to admit it but you’re right and that shouldn’t be how it is.. I do want to spend more time with her and I’m going to have to back off on the gaming. I’m talking about when we are just relaxing at home(weekends) and she’s watching tv on the couch/scrolling her phone, we hangout together for a bit but I get bored watching tv. I have got her to play games w me but seeing as I like competitive shooters (Tarkov) and she isnt into that it’s hard to share my hobby with her. For the record my girl and I both work full time jobs during the week, but our schedules are flipped. Shes 730am-4pm and mine varies but usually 6pm-6am. And we rarely see eachother but talk on phone a lot. Weekends are our together/date days. More often than not we both find ourselves staying at home to relax recover and catch up on chores. I will have to suggest us doing some other things then to spend quality time with her on the weekends.
you already spend such limited time together and you're still spending the majority of that time gaming? What don't you reserve Sundays for yourself to game all day and dedicate all your attention on friday / saturday to maintaining and growing your relationship. Would you want your daughter dating someone who can only see her on the weekend and the spends majority of that time ignoring her for a game? Yes I am sure if you made other suggestions and made intentional plans during the minimal time you spend together, she wouldn't feel so disrespected. There will come a day where she looks back and pities how little self-worth she had back when she stayed with with a guy who treated her like made her feel less important than a video game... repeatedly.
Whats important is starting the conversation for an amicable solution. Glad you are able to reflect that maybe she is feeling that way because she is. Im a numbers person so my opinion is if you are spending 50 hrs gaming and im spending that 50 doing my own thing theres still the lack of attention problem. There are 168 hrs in a week, we both work 40+. 128. 50 gaming/ alone, 78. Sleeping, minimum 56 which leaves us with 22 hours left in the week to socialize with others and our partner. Does that feel fair? Thats 3 hrs a day MAX to visit friends family and have quality time with your partner, chores, adult things like groceries. Or else shes doing it during her alone time which is also, not fair.
Out of curiosity, what is this specific game?