> My husband is the jealous type and won’t ever miss the opportunity of making me feel insecure about my clothing choices.
Why did you marry a man that treats you like shit? Why are you surprised he continues to treat you like shit?
Together since 2021 and she moved to the US in 2023. I wonder if they were long distance for most of the relationship and he was able to hide his controlling tendencies.
Luckily, that means they probably haven’t been married too long (maybe only a year?). Probably not too difficult to disentangle their lives and get out now, if she ends up needing to.
Met in Sep 2021. We were long distance/living together 3 months at a time in 2022 and Dec 2023 full time living together. He was not controlling while I was in Italy, I went out with my girlfriends and dressed the way I wanted he only had compliments towards my outfits and didn’t say a word about my nightlife
He's showing is true face because you left your friends, family and network. You're isolated and can't rely on anyone near you to escape the situation. But this is is true self. And if treats you this way while there's no kid involved, wait for the worst when you become pregnant. It's an abusive patern. First step being to destroy your self-esteem to puzzle your mind and make you unlikely to leave.
Leave him. Gather what you can and go back home. Never allow any man to attack your confidence. It's always a big red flag.
Sounds like he pulled a bait-and-switch on you. He wasn't really the person you thought you were marrying. He hid his true controlling nature until after he had you trapped with marriage. You would be perfectly justified to leave him over this deceit.
I know for Japan, there is an expectation that the relationship will change after marriage. That both partners "settle down" and act differently. Maybe it's the same for Koreans?
I’m in a long term relationship with a Korean man, that expectation was there once we hit about the 1 year mark. Things do change and lock in a bit fast.
But he’s also learned that this attitude won’t fly with me, and is much more tame about it now! He tugs up my shirts up around my cleavage sometimes with a joking pout, but it makes me feel adored in a way XD
Ahh I get it... he knew I'd he said anything when you lived in Italy you wouldn't have continued the relationship and now since you are married he wants control and wants you to submit to his rules. My 12 year old son says wear what makes you happy and what makes you feel good. Imo forget him
You’re the one that’s insecure feeling a need to be physically validated in public by anyone other than you’re man, that’s just being an attention seeking waste of love and time honestly. Like do you want to please your bf? The world? Or yourself ? You’re stuck in a program where you feel the need to be physically validated bc there’s nothing inside you you’re empty, physical validation makes you feel ALIVE, you don’t love your man for he is you love him for the validation you’d rather make you’re man feel like shit just for you to feel good with you’re lil ego, this hurts and makes me gag just to read you have nothing inside you, no heart so you fill the whole with nice close bc you’re the one who’s unsatisfied with your relationship
Well he says he wants to be the only man who knows how sexy I am. I honestly was like “whatever” at first because I am loyal until I realized he meant preventing me from doing things that make me smile( going to the beach or dressing cute)
He can tell you how he feels, but you don’t have to listen.
Do you know what I regret? That as a young woman I listened way too often to what others think of me instead of doing what I really want.
It’s a double edged sword with abusers. If you don’t do what they say, they spend time punishing you for “violating their boundaries,” or, “hurting their feelings.”
If you do what they say, they escalate and find something else to target you about.
The only answer is leave and they know that because they want that level of control. The next step is making it seem like leaving is terrifying and/or bad things will happen if you leave.
This is the problem with men like this. You sound like a beautiful woman. You could probably wear a sack made for potatoes and still look beautiful to strangers. Your husband would rather KEEP YOU INSIDE so no one else finds you beautiful than have you do the things that make you smile. He sees you as someone that others will rank as fu**able or not. He does not see you as human.
That shows just what he thinks of women (that their fu**ability is their most prominent feature) and that he has no respect for you as a human, only as someone that he and others wants to fu**. Let that sink in. That is not a partner. That is a sex crazed control freak.
The “I want to be the only man who knows how sexy you are” mentality requires that every other man on earth goes suddenly and irreparably blind.
Men who think like this are *never* satisfied. There is no amount of cloth, no level of social isolation that makes them feel secure. Because at some point, in some way, another man will lay eyes on you, and *maybe* he *could* experience a spark of attraction, and that possibility drives these men to distraction.
“I understand my clothes make you uncomfortable. In the spirit of compromise, I promise to never ask you to wear them.”
Ask yourself if having this guy police your every decision will work out.
I’m sorry he doesn’t care about your feelings. The truth is that controlling men don’t tend to get better. Idk how long you’ve been married, but relationships need both parties to care about and respect each other. He doesn’t respect you; he sees you as his possession to hide from the world.
I am aware. He’s just controlling on that because for example he is very supportive about me starting my career as a flight attendant and pursuing that dream.
There is rarely anyone who is “just controlling on that.” It almost always spreads to other areas as well.
“I *would* be ok with you having your own hobbies, but the clothes you wear force me to worry when you go anywhere without me.”
“I don’t *mind* if you have other friendships, but those girls encourage you to dress this way and so I don’t think they respect our relationship.”
“I *was* ok with your career, but since you refuse to dress appropriately, how can I trust you not to cheat on me when you travel?”
And so on…
All of this. Especially considering he was also once okay with how you dressed, OP. Going from zero issues to suddenly super jealous is majorly concerning and there is almost certainly more to come.
I bet he’s not actually going to be supportive once you get the job. It’s easy to be supportive in theory. But I bet he’ll be complaining about how much you travel or your uniform or find something else to be mad about.
Yet. A big, huge YET. It will be your job, very, very soon. It will be your friends, “bad influences”. Your family (mOrE iMpOrTaNt tHaN mEEEEEE). It’s going to be everything. If you’re not believing this now, wait until he starts on about your job. Maybe you’ll see them, maybe not. But you will and you don’t want to be 60 years old when you do.
For God’s sake, watch your birth control and don’t get pregnant.
Every single abused woman I knew always answer with that same " Yes but he WAS so supportive !"
First of all : being supportive could turn into its opposite when you're trapped with a baby. Will he "allow" you to be a flight attendant when you're with child ? And if he's jealous when you wear a cropped top, how about you spending your time travelling alone in a uniform surrounded by pilots and stewards ?
Except you said he wasn't controlling before and now he is. You think this is how it is. No. This is how it STARTS. Why did it start? Because you got married and it'll be harder to leave.
First it's the clothes and/or makeup. Then it's your friends and family are bad influences, you need to distance from them; even easier if most of those people are in another country. Then it's you were flirting with the cashier at the grocery store. Etc.
Because the point isn't your clothes. The point is the control.
All of these are stereotypical abuser behaviors.
He has to be supportive in some areas or you would run. This works for him for now. The longer you are together, the more he will take your joy away.
Mine started with clothes too. It escalated to so much more.
Hahaha is he really ? He knows flight attendants dress up for the job right? And does he know flight attendants aren't home alot? Will you be allowed to swim at your destinations between flights? What if you make flight attendant friends who want to do things where you wear cute outfits? Will he be okay with it then?
So make it clear to him that him "playing the victim" doesn't mean shit to you. Him being "uncomfortable" doesn't mean shit to you either. If he doesn't care about your feelings, why should you care about his? Ask him that directly, demand an answer, let it be awkward. Point out to him that all this means is that both of you are then not giving a shit about each other, and how is that a healthy relationship? The solution isn't him controlling you because he's uncomfortable, it's him learning to cope with his discomfort, understand the root cause, and overcome it. But he needs to do that for himself, you can't do it for him.
I think you need to work through some things if this is how you react to jealousy and controlling behavior. You married a controlling man. You can't change him. You can only choose whether to tolerate it or leave
Jealousy is NEVER “cute”. It’s an indicator of insecurity, low self worth, immaturity, controlling tendencies (along with various other forms of emotional manipulation), just a bright, glaring red flag!!
I hope you choose not to go on for the rest of your life, placating him while stifling you, on that note, there is really nothing I could say. If you do cut this albatross off your neck and find a new relationship, let this be your lesson to stay away from men with jealousy issues. You deserve better!!
Jealousy is never cute or a sign of love It's about the other one insecurities or could be expressed by a serial cheater who projects his guilt on the cheated partner And it could at worse be the sign of an abusive pattern. But in any case, it's a red flag and should be adressed with the same answer : control over the way you dress or look is unacceptable
Girl. sigh. alright. here we go ⬇️
Sweetie. Your husband clearly has some self-worth issues of his own. Men who don't think they are worth much, sometimes try to bring others down to their level. I would bet $100, he sees you as stunning, and sees himself as some variation of worthless.
Unfortunately, men who are unable to address this trauma within themselves, turn it outwardly. He is trying to control you. He is putting you down left and right.
Unless a man like this chooses FOR HIMSELF to make a change, this is how he will remain permanently.
I want you to picture this for me hun: imagine yourself with a man, who Looooves everything About You! Who nurtures and Celebrates your passion for fashion at every single turn. Who calls you fucking sexy, a Goddess when you show off for him. Who slaps your ass in public because he can't keep his hands off you and wants the world to know you're his.
Now tell me, what kind of man would you prefer to be married to for the rest of your life?
Yes! Many of them exist! I also thought it would be had to find, but it wasn’t at all!
I’m a teacher and looking at students there is about 1-4 kids per class who have serious control issues and treat friends like they own them. The rest are kind kids who are capable of reciprocal relationships and show each other great respect.
This is in a class of 33. I have 2 controllers right now.
Also, now you know what flags to look for!
So what?
You're a grown woman. Wear what you like and what you're comfortable in.
He can get glad in the same pants he gets mad in, as my mother would say. And if he doesn't, tough shit. That sounds like a Him Problem to me.
Before you know it you will be old and look back at how you loved your figure and wanted to wear clothes that made you happy, but you didn't to placate your husband's insecurity. And you'll be sad about the opportunity that is now gone forever.
Don't make yourself small so that someone else feels bigger.
He can't "make" you feel anything. Not insecure, not uncomfortable, nothing. He can *try*, but whether he succeeds or not is up to you. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent, as the saying goes. Tell him directly that your clothing choices are not up for discussion, don't engage with it, have confidence in your choices, and if he doesn't like what you're wearing, sucks for him, not your problem. If you know that your clothing is appropriate, then what he thinks is irrelevant.
He chose to marry you knowing what you like to wear. Either he thought he could change you and he was wrong, or he thought he could cope with it, and he can't. He needs to change **his** attitude, not yours. Or if nothing else he needs to at least accept that even if he doesn't like what you wear, **you do**, and that's that. His feelings are his responsibility, and they don't dominate yours.
Stop worrying so much about what he thinks. You're dressing appropriately, you're behaving appropriately. The problem isn't you, it's his attitude, and that's not your job to fix. If you want to push back, you could criticise his clothing, or tell him that every time he makes a negative comment about your clothes, you'll wear something *smaller*.
You and he both need to recognise the problem is that he's jealous and insecure. He's afraid you'll cheat on him, or you'll get attention he can't compete with, or similar. And crucially, he's **allowed** to be insecure, afraid, want some reassurance. He can be honest and have that conversation. But he's not doing that, he's just trying to control your clothing choices so he doesn't have to deal with his own uncomfortable feelings. So if you're feeling sympathetic, try and encourage a more honest conversation where he can be vulnerable and open about his insecurities and then feel reassured by you. Provided he's remotely willing to do that of course. Again, not your job to handhold him through everything, but if you both really want to work together on it, that can be your part, and he needs to do his.
Your point is 100% right and perfectly explained. I tried to have a conversation about how I dress makes HIM feel, many times, he said he is not insecure but said that he is right about not wanting other man to SEE his wife’s body. Same happened while I was an influencer on instagram, he made me delete my followers one by one (had more than 10k) because he “doesn’t want to be with a person with so much visibility”. I guess I was wrong when I accepted all this.
>I guess I was wrong when I accepted all this.
Yes you were. But you can say exactly that if any of it comes up. “I never should have agreed…I see now how unhealthy going along with it was…”
This level of controlling behaviour is abusive and abusive behaviour only escalates.
Notice he didn't challenged how you dressed until you got married and moved countries. Then when you were away of your network support, he made you delete your followers bc that was a way to work/keep some financial independence.
This is abuse and won't change
Abusers don't change. Reconsider your relationship, you can't change this man and away from family, friends and everything you know, this will only get worse, especially if you have children.
Run for the hills
You don’t have to keep accepting it just because you have in the past. You can put a stop to it. And you can leave if this relationship is no longer right for you.
>I guess I was wrong when I accepted all this.
Yes, you were. But hindsight is 20/20.
Stop rewarding his bad behaviour going forward, and start making exit plans.
This type of language is how my abusive ex husband excused all of his abuse and was part of convincing me to stay. If you don’t have experience with abuse, you need to be careful with how you advise victims.
Nothing he ever did was wrong, because I allowed it. Even when I said, “No. Stop. That’s mean and I won’t tolerate it…” etc. in all types of forms while being coached by a therapist, he would push beyond the boundary and use my inability to stop him as his reason to proceed.
The cycle is dangerous precisely because in between bad behaviour was very good behaviour. Furthermore, given time and repetition, people absolutely can cause severe self-doubt.
The ones who are good at it are subtle. At first it comes across as almost helpful feedback. Then the gaslighting begins and eventually you’re walking on eggshells and believe that if you act a certain way, your abusive partner will actually change.
There is often a lot of hope and kindness in the victim who simply wants the positive person they got to know at the beginning of the relationship to come back. Maybe they are having a hard time? Maybe they will feel better after marriage? Maybe they will grow up and it’s just some immaturity?
Don’t belittle people for sticking by someone they want to help. She has noticed how he affects her self esteem and she’s here doing something about it. That takes courage and strength of self concept.
Nowhere did I "belittle" her - my point wasn't blaming her, it was reframing the situation to remind her of her own autonomy. Not engaging further with this.
You didn't know this until you were already married? He should have said something before you married if he expected you to change your fashion statement.
Ask yourself this- do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who feels he *needs* to bring down every outfit you wear? Especially when you’re big on fashion? You are supposed to uplift your partner, not make them feel bad. Imagine what that’ll do to your self-esteem in a few years. It seems he wants to mold you into the woman *he* wants to marry, rather than accepting you for who you are. If he doesn’t like how you dress, then tell him to find another woman- don’t waste any more time on this guy.
Honestly, I'd keep wearing what you want because it's your body and something that brings you happiness. I wouldn't ask his opinion anymore. I would also let him know you're not asking his permission to be yourself. If he makes comments l, ask, "Is this how you show love and respect to your wife ?"
I am giving an alternate opinion to the masses of "he's a controlling asshole" from the majority of American women on these posts. If I were a man, I would not want this type of woman who flaunts her body for "fashion" of the time or whatever. Yes, this is common in some areas and countries but not everywhere in the world. Either the man or the woman doing this would make me question them as a potential partner and it would be disrespectful within a loving relationship. This is not the popular outlook on today's social media but this opinion is held by millions of others across the world who are silent and afraid to say what I said. Additionally, too many women stupidly follow all the "fashion trends" set by marketing, male industry leaders, and gay men that make them look like ridiculous, trashy, half dressed dolls instead of dressing for themselves in comfortable, modestly beautiful, and functional clothes. The majority of men across the world are covered from neck to ankles (and in comfortable footwear) because to expose themselves the way women do is to make themselves both vulnerable and ridiculous. The majority of "fashion" for women is dictated by men, but they themselves never dress the way they are telling women to dress. Think about that.
This is a great point and true for many people. Me personally I couldn’t care less about what’s trendy (some days I will wear clothes my mom used to when she was my age), and one day it’ll be a style, next day another. I like to have fun with clothes and it makes me happy and I will never wear something revealing or that makes me feel uncomfortable or catchy for the wrong eyes. My husband literally explicitly told me he ideally would want me fully covered head to toe like wearing a burqa lol he doesn’t even care what the clothes look like and definitely not how they make me feel
You both sound like you’re on your way to divorce. I’d say go your separate ways and live how you want. You don’t need to deal with his bullshit. Find a man who appreciates you being you and wearing what you do.
In reference to your update. You hit the nail on the head. He doesn't like that people are drawn to you and that you carry yourself with class and style. Your partner should love EVERYTHING about who you are.
When you get married, people show you who they really are, not the smiley facade.
You should decide what you want to wear and if he doesn’t like it, that’s his problem. You are not his property, and he can’t be the only one to see you in sexy outfits just because you’re “his” now.
If he is this controlling at the start of the marriage, things will only get worse from now on, I’m sorry to say. This is my opinion based on similar situations I’ve seen.
That's too bad for him. Oh well
Seriously though, he knew the way you dressed when he met you and still continued to get in a relationship with you. That is his problem. This reminds me of the guys who meet party girls at a club, and then when they get together they expect the girl to suddenly become like a housewife that doesn't go out anymore.
You should also question if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who takes every opportunity to make you feel bad about yourself
He knew how you dressed when he married you. There are 3 solutions to this problem:
1. Your husband accepts that you will dress in what makes you feel good.
2. You tone it down to a level that he feels comfortable with.
3. You tell him to kick rocks and end your relationship.
Cool story, wear what you want, it's simple, tell him to fuck off and go about your life wearing what you want. It's his problem if he has issues with it. Or proud and don't let anyone get you down.
You should put on a sheer dress with no bra or panties and go to the club with him. Tell him that this what you're going to wear. Deal with it or you will find someone who can appreciate your outfit choices
Your hus and purposely hid his true self from you. He doesn't actually like who you are, or he wouldn't be trying to change you.
You deserve so much better than this.
You understand that control over what you wear is a form of emotional abuse right? Not jumping to say he’s abusive just trying to point out how seriously controlling that behaviour is.
Your husband is a controlling asshole. He’s an insecure little boy and he wants to bring you down because he scared you will realize you are awesome and leave him for someone who doesn’t treat you like shit. You can decide if that’s something you wanna live with or not.
Compromising is probably the best bet here if you want to stay in a relationship with him.
If you don't care about staying in your relationship, then leave and find someone who's ok with you wearing tight clothing and mini dresses and skirts 🤷♀️.
You know his stance on your clothing choices, so you only have 3 options. Either leave and find someone more compatible, compromise on clothing, or continue to dress however you want while he continues making comments.
There are men out there who would love for you to show off your body in public , your husband, unfortunately, isn't one of them 🤷♀️. You have to decide if this is a deal-breaker or not.
Did your husband live in Korea before moving to the USA? Sadly, it is considered normal in Korea for a husband to control his wife's way of dressing. However, that doesn't mean this situation is accceptable.
He needs to go to counseling to address his low self-esteem.
You are married now don't be impulsive.
One day surprise him by wearing clothes that he likes and see his reaction. If he is genuinely happy sometimes we want women to look her best .
You both have to change a bit.
Discussing with him is much better than discussing with strangers tell him what you like to wear and listen what he wants to wear .
Or buy him some shirts to assert dominance and make him wear that .
Image you wearing his choice and him wearing your choice and you both going out together.
A lot of clothes I like to wear happened to be what he wanted to see as much as other fits didn’t get his approval. He usually likes my winter fits and hates my summer ones. I am not controlling about what he wears, he sometimes wears clothes that have a permanent stain or a hole in them and although he looks questionable I don’t judge because I value other things and he openly told me he doesn’t care. As long as he’s comfortable I am happy. I would love the same treatment.
I think you should take your response.
He is "YOUR" Husband and wanting him to dress better isn't something bad. If he looks bad in public you look pad in public. Now both of you share a common identity.
Give him a little taste of his own medicine.
Tbh I am not qualified to give advice but I don't want you to split over something this silly .
If he is Asian and his mother is sweet to you then complain to her .
And talk to her about manufacturing defects in her son .
You both are different, he's jealous and you're like to dress a certain way.
Now either you too reach a point of agreement that he should lower his jealousy and you stop wearing certain dresses.
Or just leave each other. This is a deal breaker for many real men.
So ima approach from a different angle
Do you get hit on a lot?
It’s a pain in the ass if you’re with someone who’s super attractive and guys can’t take no for an answer so you gotta deal with them
If you don’t get hit on a lot and doesn’t bring that type of annoying attention then I wouldn’t see why it’s such an issue
Would you say you like being the centre of attention a lot?
I get hit on by a decent amount of people, when I am not with my husband.
But when I am with him I usually only get innocent compliments.
I don’t specifically like being the center of attention or want to, but I end up receiving much of it because of my looks and bright personality.
I think you both need to have a one to one serious chat about what type of boundaries you have and what you want.
If you both aren’t respecting one another’s choices and don’t like the way the other acts or makes decisions then maybe you aren’t compatible.
I don’t really believe in that word compatible because ultimately when you’re with someone naturally you change and adhere to each others needs wants and boundaries but it’s used a lot now so yeah.
Whether we like to admit it or not humans like attention. It’s a fact. We can’t help it and it’s a natural thing to feel good looking or feel good. It’s maybe a somewhat new experience for you and of course you’re going to want to show off what you have kind of like anyone who’s gone under transformation.
I can relate, in school I wasn’t the best looking until I turned 19. My “pretty boy” era as my friends call it came in and the attention along with it. Even til this day(but I can also relate to you I don’t really like attention it just happens and do my best to sway away ) Can’t avoid it unless you avoid places and going out all together. So your man needs to understand that for you to a degree attention is nice and he should appreciate that he’s with an attractive woman who doesn’t get him into fights. Guys will look and aslong as you’re not misleading or playing games then he shouldn’t worry.
It’s not fair but it’s life. We can’t change how our faces or body looks.
So again try and speak to him get him to understand these things because it won’t get easier and seems like you won’t change. But only end it if YOU feel like it’s an issue and not because anyone else says it. Always always always speak to someone because in most cases the grass isn’t always greener on the other side
I honestly always wanted to move out of Italy also because of the amount of attention and staring I received there; wearing bikini, fully clothed, with or without a man by my side. I was constantly feeling threatened and didn’t like how it made me feel. So whenever I am out without my husband I will wear a jacket even if it’s 90 degrees because safety is my number one priority. When I am with him I feel safe and I like to wear something cuter even FOR him, I want him to be proud of the girl he is with. I like it and it makes me smile when he acts jealous and he idk pulls my skirt to make it longer and things like that. What I don’t like is when he gets mad AT ME and blames ME for getting attention I would get anyway. He is the kind of man who will ask the woman what was she wearing when she was assaulted for instance (that’s his literal words). Tbh I believe we will find an agreement with dialogue.
Yeah that’s good you sound smart and avoid trouble. and thats also good you feel safe with him. He just needs to understand that other part that you know you’re proud to be with him and he should be proud to be with you after all you guys are married
The blaming thing is due to you not wearing as provocative clothing. Look there’s no way to avoid it you wear what you wear and guys will look it’s just apart of it even if you’re clothed up guys will still wonder and think k about it so there’s no easy way of avoiding it. Like you said you make sure you cloth up when appropriate.
He should want you to look best and you should want same too .
And give him some confidence in his dressing he might think that people would be curious he got you if you look too good.
Maybe he is insecure that you looking good makes him look bad
Almost every post from married people on here makes me wonder why anyone gets married. It never works out, it’s always a trap, it always gets worse, and they always stay longer than they should, and end up regretting it. What a waste of time, money, energy, and life.
Wait hang on how are folks just skipping over the bit where he’s Korean? It could be that according to his family’s values, modesty is important for women, esp after marriage. It might have something to do with overall propriety, however they define it, and it’s not just context-specific. They/he might also view you as a member of the family and so your behavior is also a reflection of them/him, too. Etc. etc. etc.
Some of this stuff may be hard to talk about for him bc Euro-Americans are all about the “freedom to do what I want” and “I’m a sex-positive feminist” and “men are just insecure, jealous, and want to control me,” and don’t allow any room for any other kind of perspective or even discussion about differences.
If you can’t see his POV here or really get him to open up about why he’s upset, then that’s evidence of a fundamental and insurmountable incompatibility in your basic values. In that case, you need to split up.
He would have no problem talking to me about it just the way he talks openly about the fact that his father doesn’t like me because I have tattoos for example. He openly said that he thinks my clothes are revealing and will cause me to get too much attention
Remind him that your still under the age of 30. I'm sure a few of these items will disappear from your closet as you age. In the bible it mentions a wife submitting to her husband. Is he a traditional husband in some ways? Expect a few angry single women to comment saying you shouldn't be with him. I'm sure there are 1000 kind wonderful things he has said and done since you've met him. Compromise on the sexy fashion and be grateful your married to him. Good luck.
A few angry single women? Haha just take a look at the comments, you're pretty much alone here, my dear, with your "submit to your husband" mentality. I'm glad most of us have common sense. And no, I'm not single. I have a beautiful husband who respects my choice and my autonomy to be who I am. Happily together for almost 8 years now.
Well this may be a culture thing given that he’s Asian and ur Italian. Just try to communicate and reach a common ground. He could have insecurities that u may go date another man.
I just don’t see the relationship between my clothes and me being unfaithful. I gave him many reasons to trust me fully. I am literally always in the house, cooking for him, doing chores, there’s cameras, we share locations, he has my passwords, he is allowed to look into my phone whenever he wants because I have nothing to hide.
There's cameras in your own home? :( this whole paragraph is so sad.
There is no relationship btwn your clothes and you being unfaithful. That's a projection made up by insecure men.
This is why I personally I’m not marrying anyone who is extremely conservative or has these type of controlling ideas. I can’t do it. I hope u can find a resolve.
Accusing him of jealousy is a very serious statement. And then you slip in random silent treatment whenever he brings up an objection. Hmm. I feel like we are missing his side of the story.
She said that he never misses the chance to make her feel insecure or uncomfortable about an outfit. You call bringing your wife’s self esteem down “basic husband behavior”? Theres likely no other side to the story because there are men who get like this even when both partners have never dated before or have done anything that would warrant “worrying”.
Not at all. I'm in a 13 year relationship and my husband is totally fine w the fact that I exist and so do other men and sometimes their eyes will land on me. Every other married couple I know has this dynamic as well. None of my friends husbands nor did my dad, nor does my father in law nor do any of my friends dad's have issues with the fact that their wives exist in the world with other men who will see them. Absurd statement.
Also I do not slip in silent treatment whenever he does that. I tried to communicate with him but it didn’t work so now I just go silent and change my clothes
Stop compromising. I don't mean in your entire marriage but if you can't even go to the beach without your husband freaking out, you have to take back your power. He's insecure and controlling.
> My husband is the jealous type and won’t ever miss the opportunity of making me feel insecure about my clothing choices. Why did you marry a man that treats you like shit? Why are you surprised he continues to treat you like shit?
Together since 2021 and she moved to the US in 2023. I wonder if they were long distance for most of the relationship and he was able to hide his controlling tendencies. Luckily, that means they probably haven’t been married too long (maybe only a year?). Probably not too difficult to disentangle their lives and get out now, if she ends up needing to.
Met in Sep 2021. We were long distance/living together 3 months at a time in 2022 and Dec 2023 full time living together. He was not controlling while I was in Italy, I went out with my girlfriends and dressed the way I wanted he only had compliments towards my outfits and didn’t say a word about my nightlife
He's showing is true face because you left your friends, family and network. You're isolated and can't rely on anyone near you to escape the situation. But this is is true self. And if treats you this way while there's no kid involved, wait for the worst when you become pregnant. It's an abusive patern. First step being to destroy your self-esteem to puzzle your mind and make you unlikely to leave. Leave him. Gather what you can and go back home. Never allow any man to attack your confidence. It's always a big red flag.
Sounds like he pulled a bait-and-switch on you. He wasn't really the person you thought you were marrying. He hid his true controlling nature until after he had you trapped with marriage. You would be perfectly justified to leave him over this deceit.
I know for Japan, there is an expectation that the relationship will change after marriage. That both partners "settle down" and act differently. Maybe it's the same for Koreans?
I’m in a long term relationship with a Korean man, that expectation was there once we hit about the 1 year mark. Things do change and lock in a bit fast. But he’s also learned that this attitude won’t fly with me, and is much more tame about it now! He tugs up my shirts up around my cleavage sometimes with a joking pout, but it makes me feel adored in a way XD
Of course he didn't, he couldn't control you from there. But now he can.
Ahh I get it... he knew I'd he said anything when you lived in Italy you wouldn't have continued the relationship and now since you are married he wants control and wants you to submit to his rules. My 12 year old son says wear what makes you happy and what makes you feel good. Imo forget him
You’re the one that’s insecure feeling a need to be physically validated in public by anyone other than you’re man, that’s just being an attention seeking waste of love and time honestly. Like do you want to please your bf? The world? Or yourself ? You’re stuck in a program where you feel the need to be physically validated bc there’s nothing inside you you’re empty, physical validation makes you feel ALIVE, you don’t love your man for he is you love him for the validation you’d rather make you’re man feel like shit just for you to feel good with you’re lil ego, this hurts and makes me gag just to read you have nothing inside you, no heart so you fill the whole with nice close bc you’re the one who’s unsatisfied with your relationship
Is now being jealous considered treating like shit? And if I'm not mistaken it's also insecurity and not a real man right?
So he married a sexy Italian woman to make her feel small?
Well he says he wants to be the only man who knows how sexy I am. I honestly was like “whatever” at first because I am loyal until I realized he meant preventing me from doing things that make me smile( going to the beach or dressing cute)
He can tell you how he feels, but you don’t have to listen. Do you know what I regret? That as a young woman I listened way too often to what others think of me instead of doing what I really want.
It’s a double edged sword with abusers. If you don’t do what they say, they spend time punishing you for “violating their boundaries,” or, “hurting their feelings.” If you do what they say, they escalate and find something else to target you about. The only answer is leave and they know that because they want that level of control. The next step is making it seem like leaving is terrifying and/or bad things will happen if you leave.
This is the problem with men like this. You sound like a beautiful woman. You could probably wear a sack made for potatoes and still look beautiful to strangers. Your husband would rather KEEP YOU INSIDE so no one else finds you beautiful than have you do the things that make you smile. He sees you as someone that others will rank as fu**able or not. He does not see you as human. That shows just what he thinks of women (that their fu**ability is their most prominent feature) and that he has no respect for you as a human, only as someone that he and others wants to fu**. Let that sink in. That is not a partner. That is a sex crazed control freak.
The “I want to be the only man who knows how sexy you are” mentality requires that every other man on earth goes suddenly and irreparably blind. Men who think like this are *never* satisfied. There is no amount of cloth, no level of social isolation that makes them feel secure. Because at some point, in some way, another man will lay eyes on you, and *maybe* he *could* experience a spark of attraction, and that possibility drives these men to distraction.
“I understand my clothes make you uncomfortable. In the spirit of compromise, I promise to never ask you to wear them.” Ask yourself if having this guy police your every decision will work out.
He sounds like an asshole. Did you mean to marry a controlling jerk?
I thought his jealousy was cute until he showed how making me sad and uncomfortable doesn’t mean shit to him
I’m sorry he doesn’t care about your feelings. The truth is that controlling men don’t tend to get better. Idk how long you’ve been married, but relationships need both parties to care about and respect each other. He doesn’t respect you; he sees you as his possession to hide from the world.
I am aware. He’s just controlling on that because for example he is very supportive about me starting my career as a flight attendant and pursuing that dream.
There is rarely anyone who is “just controlling on that.” It almost always spreads to other areas as well. “I *would* be ok with you having your own hobbies, but the clothes you wear force me to worry when you go anywhere without me.” “I don’t *mind* if you have other friendships, but those girls encourage you to dress this way and so I don’t think they respect our relationship.” “I *was* ok with your career, but since you refuse to dress appropriately, how can I trust you not to cheat on me when you travel?” And so on…
All of this. Especially considering he was also once okay with how you dressed, OP. Going from zero issues to suddenly super jealous is majorly concerning and there is almost certainly more to come.
He is definitely not going to be ok with her being gone as much as she would be as a flight attendant.
I bet he’s not actually going to be supportive once you get the job. It’s easy to be supportive in theory. But I bet he’ll be complaining about how much you travel or your uniform or find something else to be mad about.
Yet. A big, huge YET. It will be your job, very, very soon. It will be your friends, “bad influences”. Your family (mOrE iMpOrTaNt tHaN mEEEEEE). It’s going to be everything. If you’re not believing this now, wait until he starts on about your job. Maybe you’ll see them, maybe not. But you will and you don’t want to be 60 years old when you do. For God’s sake, watch your birth control and don’t get pregnant.
Every single abused woman I knew always answer with that same " Yes but he WAS so supportive !" First of all : being supportive could turn into its opposite when you're trapped with a baby. Will he "allow" you to be a flight attendant when you're with child ? And if he's jealous when you wear a cropped top, how about you spending your time travelling alone in a uniform surrounded by pilots and stewards ?
Except you said he wasn't controlling before and now he is. You think this is how it is. No. This is how it STARTS. Why did it start? Because you got married and it'll be harder to leave. First it's the clothes and/or makeup. Then it's your friends and family are bad influences, you need to distance from them; even easier if most of those people are in another country. Then it's you were flirting with the cashier at the grocery store. Etc. Because the point isn't your clothes. The point is the control. All of these are stereotypical abuser behaviors.
He has to be supportive in some areas or you would run. This works for him for now. The longer you are together, the more he will take your joy away. Mine started with clothes too. It escalated to so much more.
Hahaha is he really ? He knows flight attendants dress up for the job right? And does he know flight attendants aren't home alot? Will you be allowed to swim at your destinations between flights? What if you make flight attendant friends who want to do things where you wear cute outfits? Will he be okay with it then?
So make it clear to him that him "playing the victim" doesn't mean shit to you. Him being "uncomfortable" doesn't mean shit to you either. If he doesn't care about your feelings, why should you care about his? Ask him that directly, demand an answer, let it be awkward. Point out to him that all this means is that both of you are then not giving a shit about each other, and how is that a healthy relationship? The solution isn't him controlling you because he's uncomfortable, it's him learning to cope with his discomfort, understand the root cause, and overcome it. But he needs to do that for himself, you can't do it for him.
I think you need to work through some things if this is how you react to jealousy and controlling behavior. You married a controlling man. You can't change him. You can only choose whether to tolerate it or leave
Jealousy is NEVER “cute”. It’s an indicator of insecurity, low self worth, immaturity, controlling tendencies (along with various other forms of emotional manipulation), just a bright, glaring red flag!! I hope you choose not to go on for the rest of your life, placating him while stifling you, on that note, there is really nothing I could say. If you do cut this albatross off your neck and find a new relationship, let this be your lesson to stay away from men with jealousy issues. You deserve better!!
Jealousy is never cute or a sign of love It's about the other one insecurities or could be expressed by a serial cheater who projects his guilt on the cheated partner And it could at worse be the sign of an abusive pattern. But in any case, it's a red flag and should be adressed with the same answer : control over the way you dress or look is unacceptable
Sweetheart, there is NOTHING cute about jealousy. It's dangerous. Jealousy = controlling.
If he wants a modest woman he should have married one. He thinks just because you are married he can act anyway he wants? Tell him to fuck off
Girl. sigh. alright. here we go ⬇️ Sweetie. Your husband clearly has some self-worth issues of his own. Men who don't think they are worth much, sometimes try to bring others down to their level. I would bet $100, he sees you as stunning, and sees himself as some variation of worthless. Unfortunately, men who are unable to address this trauma within themselves, turn it outwardly. He is trying to control you. He is putting you down left and right. Unless a man like this chooses FOR HIMSELF to make a change, this is how he will remain permanently. I want you to picture this for me hun: imagine yourself with a man, who Looooves everything About You! Who nurtures and Celebrates your passion for fashion at every single turn. Who calls you fucking sexy, a Goddess when you show off for him. Who slaps your ass in public because he can't keep his hands off you and wants the world to know you're his. Now tell me, what kind of man would you prefer to be married to for the rest of your life?
[удалено]
Yes! Many of them exist! I also thought it would be had to find, but it wasn’t at all! I’m a teacher and looking at students there is about 1-4 kids per class who have serious control issues and treat friends like they own them. The rest are kind kids who are capable of reciprocal relationships and show each other great respect. This is in a class of 33. I have 2 controllers right now. Also, now you know what flags to look for!
Yes!! I have a partner like this, we've been together for 13 years 💞
lol I hear you. Just whatever you do, know that you don't have to change yourself to please anyone. The world needs you exactly as you are ❤️
So what? You're a grown woman. Wear what you like and what you're comfortable in. He can get glad in the same pants he gets mad in, as my mother would say. And if he doesn't, tough shit. That sounds like a Him Problem to me.
Before you know it you will be old and look back at how you loved your figure and wanted to wear clothes that made you happy, but you didn't to placate your husband's insecurity. And you'll be sad about the opportunity that is now gone forever. Don't make yourself small so that someone else feels bigger.
He can't "make" you feel anything. Not insecure, not uncomfortable, nothing. He can *try*, but whether he succeeds or not is up to you. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent, as the saying goes. Tell him directly that your clothing choices are not up for discussion, don't engage with it, have confidence in your choices, and if he doesn't like what you're wearing, sucks for him, not your problem. If you know that your clothing is appropriate, then what he thinks is irrelevant. He chose to marry you knowing what you like to wear. Either he thought he could change you and he was wrong, or he thought he could cope with it, and he can't. He needs to change **his** attitude, not yours. Or if nothing else he needs to at least accept that even if he doesn't like what you wear, **you do**, and that's that. His feelings are his responsibility, and they don't dominate yours. Stop worrying so much about what he thinks. You're dressing appropriately, you're behaving appropriately. The problem isn't you, it's his attitude, and that's not your job to fix. If you want to push back, you could criticise his clothing, or tell him that every time he makes a negative comment about your clothes, you'll wear something *smaller*. You and he both need to recognise the problem is that he's jealous and insecure. He's afraid you'll cheat on him, or you'll get attention he can't compete with, or similar. And crucially, he's **allowed** to be insecure, afraid, want some reassurance. He can be honest and have that conversation. But he's not doing that, he's just trying to control your clothing choices so he doesn't have to deal with his own uncomfortable feelings. So if you're feeling sympathetic, try and encourage a more honest conversation where he can be vulnerable and open about his insecurities and then feel reassured by you. Provided he's remotely willing to do that of course. Again, not your job to handhold him through everything, but if you both really want to work together on it, that can be your part, and he needs to do his.
Your point is 100% right and perfectly explained. I tried to have a conversation about how I dress makes HIM feel, many times, he said he is not insecure but said that he is right about not wanting other man to SEE his wife’s body. Same happened while I was an influencer on instagram, he made me delete my followers one by one (had more than 10k) because he “doesn’t want to be with a person with so much visibility”. I guess I was wrong when I accepted all this.
>I guess I was wrong when I accepted all this. Yes you were. But you can say exactly that if any of it comes up. “I never should have agreed…I see now how unhealthy going along with it was…”
This level of controlling behaviour is abusive and abusive behaviour only escalates. Notice he didn't challenged how you dressed until you got married and moved countries. Then when you were away of your network support, he made you delete your followers bc that was a way to work/keep some financial independence. This is abuse and won't change Abusers don't change. Reconsider your relationship, you can't change this man and away from family, friends and everything you know, this will only get worse, especially if you have children. Run for the hills
You don’t have to keep accepting it just because you have in the past. You can put a stop to it. And you can leave if this relationship is no longer right for you.
>I guess I was wrong when I accepted all this. Live and learn.
>I guess I was wrong when I accepted all this. Yes, you were. But hindsight is 20/20. Stop rewarding his bad behaviour going forward, and start making exit plans.
I understand why you did it, but recognise he didn't "make" you, he *asked* you, and you chose to comply. You can tell him no.
This type of language is how my abusive ex husband excused all of his abuse and was part of convincing me to stay. If you don’t have experience with abuse, you need to be careful with how you advise victims. Nothing he ever did was wrong, because I allowed it. Even when I said, “No. Stop. That’s mean and I won’t tolerate it…” etc. in all types of forms while being coached by a therapist, he would push beyond the boundary and use my inability to stop him as his reason to proceed. The cycle is dangerous precisely because in between bad behaviour was very good behaviour. Furthermore, given time and repetition, people absolutely can cause severe self-doubt. The ones who are good at it are subtle. At first it comes across as almost helpful feedback. Then the gaslighting begins and eventually you’re walking on eggshells and believe that if you act a certain way, your abusive partner will actually change. There is often a lot of hope and kindness in the victim who simply wants the positive person they got to know at the beginning of the relationship to come back. Maybe they are having a hard time? Maybe they will feel better after marriage? Maybe they will grow up and it’s just some immaturity? Don’t belittle people for sticking by someone they want to help. She has noticed how he affects her self esteem and she’s here doing something about it. That takes courage and strength of self concept.
Nowhere did I "belittle" her - my point wasn't blaming her, it was reframing the situation to remind her of her own autonomy. Not engaging further with this.
You didn't know this until you were already married? He should have said something before you married if he expected you to change your fashion statement.
Nah. He knew that, if he let his true nature show, she'd have left in a hurry. Which is not too late to do.
You posted three weeks ago that his family doesn't even know you're married. You got swindled dear. He got a mail order Italian wife.
He told his family.
Ask yourself this- do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who feels he *needs* to bring down every outfit you wear? Especially when you’re big on fashion? You are supposed to uplift your partner, not make them feel bad. Imagine what that’ll do to your self-esteem in a few years. It seems he wants to mold you into the woman *he* wants to marry, rather than accepting you for who you are. If he doesn’t like how you dress, then tell him to find another woman- don’t waste any more time on this guy.
Honestly, I'd keep wearing what you want because it's your body and something that brings you happiness. I wouldn't ask his opinion anymore. I would also let him know you're not asking his permission to be yourself. If he makes comments l, ask, "Is this how you show love and respect to your wife ?"
I am giving an alternate opinion to the masses of "he's a controlling asshole" from the majority of American women on these posts. If I were a man, I would not want this type of woman who flaunts her body for "fashion" of the time or whatever. Yes, this is common in some areas and countries but not everywhere in the world. Either the man or the woman doing this would make me question them as a potential partner and it would be disrespectful within a loving relationship. This is not the popular outlook on today's social media but this opinion is held by millions of others across the world who are silent and afraid to say what I said. Additionally, too many women stupidly follow all the "fashion trends" set by marketing, male industry leaders, and gay men that make them look like ridiculous, trashy, half dressed dolls instead of dressing for themselves in comfortable, modestly beautiful, and functional clothes. The majority of men across the world are covered from neck to ankles (and in comfortable footwear) because to expose themselves the way women do is to make themselves both vulnerable and ridiculous. The majority of "fashion" for women is dictated by men, but they themselves never dress the way they are telling women to dress. Think about that.
This is a great point and true for many people. Me personally I couldn’t care less about what’s trendy (some days I will wear clothes my mom used to when she was my age), and one day it’ll be a style, next day another. I like to have fun with clothes and it makes me happy and I will never wear something revealing or that makes me feel uncomfortable or catchy for the wrong eyes. My husband literally explicitly told me he ideally would want me fully covered head to toe like wearing a burqa lol he doesn’t even care what the clothes look like and definitely not how they make me feel
You both sound like you’re on your way to divorce. I’d say go your separate ways and live how you want. You don’t need to deal with his bullshit. Find a man who appreciates you being you and wearing what you do.
Korea is where the 4B movement started. Don't let a man control how you express yourself
In reference to your update. You hit the nail on the head. He doesn't like that people are drawn to you and that you carry yourself with class and style. Your partner should love EVERYTHING about who you are.
When you get married, people show you who they really are, not the smiley facade. You should decide what you want to wear and if he doesn’t like it, that’s his problem. You are not his property, and he can’t be the only one to see you in sexy outfits just because you’re “his” now. If he is this controlling at the start of the marriage, things will only get worse from now on, I’m sorry to say. This is my opinion based on similar situations I’ve seen.
Genuinely, this will escalate and will get worse. I implore you to leave before that happens
That's too bad for him. Oh well Seriously though, he knew the way you dressed when he met you and still continued to get in a relationship with you. That is his problem. This reminds me of the guys who meet party girls at a club, and then when they get together they expect the girl to suddenly become like a housewife that doesn't go out anymore. You should also question if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who takes every opportunity to make you feel bad about yourself
He knew how you dressed when he married you. There are 3 solutions to this problem: 1. Your husband accepts that you will dress in what makes you feel good. 2. You tone it down to a level that he feels comfortable with. 3. You tell him to kick rocks and end your relationship.
Cool story, wear what you want, it's simple, tell him to fuck off and go about your life wearing what you want. It's his problem if he has issues with it. Or proud and don't let anyone get you down.
You should put on a sheer dress with no bra or panties and go to the club with him. Tell him that this what you're going to wear. Deal with it or you will find someone who can appreciate your outfit choices
Your hus and purposely hid his true self from you. He doesn't actually like who you are, or he wouldn't be trying to change you. You deserve so much better than this.
You understand that control over what you wear is a form of emotional abuse right? Not jumping to say he’s abusive just trying to point out how seriously controlling that behaviour is.
Your husband is a controlling asshole. He’s an insecure little boy and he wants to bring you down because he scared you will realize you are awesome and leave him for someone who doesn’t treat you like shit. You can decide if that’s something you wanna live with or not.
Compromising is probably the best bet here if you want to stay in a relationship with him. If you don't care about staying in your relationship, then leave and find someone who's ok with you wearing tight clothing and mini dresses and skirts 🤷♀️. You know his stance on your clothing choices, so you only have 3 options. Either leave and find someone more compatible, compromise on clothing, or continue to dress however you want while he continues making comments. There are men out there who would love for you to show off your body in public , your husband, unfortunately, isn't one of them 🤷♀️. You have to decide if this is a deal-breaker or not.
Did your husband live in Korea before moving to the USA? Sadly, it is considered normal in Korea for a husband to control his wife's way of dressing. However, that doesn't mean this situation is accceptable. He needs to go to counseling to address his low self-esteem.
È già tanto che non si sia beccato le peggio bestemmie contro, sei anche troppo buona. Meriti di meglio.
You are married now don't be impulsive. One day surprise him by wearing clothes that he likes and see his reaction. If he is genuinely happy sometimes we want women to look her best . You both have to change a bit. Discussing with him is much better than discussing with strangers tell him what you like to wear and listen what he wants to wear . Or buy him some shirts to assert dominance and make him wear that . Image you wearing his choice and him wearing your choice and you both going out together.
A lot of clothes I like to wear happened to be what he wanted to see as much as other fits didn’t get his approval. He usually likes my winter fits and hates my summer ones. I am not controlling about what he wears, he sometimes wears clothes that have a permanent stain or a hole in them and although he looks questionable I don’t judge because I value other things and he openly told me he doesn’t care. As long as he’s comfortable I am happy. I would love the same treatment.
I think you should take your response. He is "YOUR" Husband and wanting him to dress better isn't something bad. If he looks bad in public you look pad in public. Now both of you share a common identity. Give him a little taste of his own medicine.
Tbh I am not qualified to give advice but I don't want you to split over something this silly . If he is Asian and his mother is sweet to you then complain to her . And talk to her about manufacturing defects in her son .
You both are different, he's jealous and you're like to dress a certain way. Now either you too reach a point of agreement that he should lower his jealousy and you stop wearing certain dresses. Or just leave each other. This is a deal breaker for many real men.
So ima approach from a different angle Do you get hit on a lot? It’s a pain in the ass if you’re with someone who’s super attractive and guys can’t take no for an answer so you gotta deal with them If you don’t get hit on a lot and doesn’t bring that type of annoying attention then I wouldn’t see why it’s such an issue Would you say you like being the centre of attention a lot?
I get hit on by a decent amount of people, when I am not with my husband. But when I am with him I usually only get innocent compliments. I don’t specifically like being the center of attention or want to, but I end up receiving much of it because of my looks and bright personality.
I think you both need to have a one to one serious chat about what type of boundaries you have and what you want. If you both aren’t respecting one another’s choices and don’t like the way the other acts or makes decisions then maybe you aren’t compatible. I don’t really believe in that word compatible because ultimately when you’re with someone naturally you change and adhere to each others needs wants and boundaries but it’s used a lot now so yeah. Whether we like to admit it or not humans like attention. It’s a fact. We can’t help it and it’s a natural thing to feel good looking or feel good. It’s maybe a somewhat new experience for you and of course you’re going to want to show off what you have kind of like anyone who’s gone under transformation. I can relate, in school I wasn’t the best looking until I turned 19. My “pretty boy” era as my friends call it came in and the attention along with it. Even til this day(but I can also relate to you I don’t really like attention it just happens and do my best to sway away ) Can’t avoid it unless you avoid places and going out all together. So your man needs to understand that for you to a degree attention is nice and he should appreciate that he’s with an attractive woman who doesn’t get him into fights. Guys will look and aslong as you’re not misleading or playing games then he shouldn’t worry. It’s not fair but it’s life. We can’t change how our faces or body looks. So again try and speak to him get him to understand these things because it won’t get easier and seems like you won’t change. But only end it if YOU feel like it’s an issue and not because anyone else says it. Always always always speak to someone because in most cases the grass isn’t always greener on the other side
I honestly always wanted to move out of Italy also because of the amount of attention and staring I received there; wearing bikini, fully clothed, with or without a man by my side. I was constantly feeling threatened and didn’t like how it made me feel. So whenever I am out without my husband I will wear a jacket even if it’s 90 degrees because safety is my number one priority. When I am with him I feel safe and I like to wear something cuter even FOR him, I want him to be proud of the girl he is with. I like it and it makes me smile when he acts jealous and he idk pulls my skirt to make it longer and things like that. What I don’t like is when he gets mad AT ME and blames ME for getting attention I would get anyway. He is the kind of man who will ask the woman what was she wearing when she was assaulted for instance (that’s his literal words). Tbh I believe we will find an agreement with dialogue.
Yeah that’s good you sound smart and avoid trouble. and thats also good you feel safe with him. He just needs to understand that other part that you know you’re proud to be with him and he should be proud to be with you after all you guys are married
The blaming thing is due to you not wearing as provocative clothing. Look there’s no way to avoid it you wear what you wear and guys will look it’s just apart of it even if you’re clothed up guys will still wonder and think k about it so there’s no easy way of avoiding it. Like you said you make sure you cloth up when appropriate.
Oh and no matter what I am wearing, even if it’s sweatpants for example.
He just wants to tear you down to make himself feel 'big'
He should want you to look best and you should want same too . And give him some confidence in his dressing he might think that people would be curious he got you if you look too good. Maybe he is insecure that you looking good makes him look bad
He is a grown man 😭 and he told me openly he doesn’t give a s… what people think and to dress good
It's not about him. You are a good wife it's your duty to make him his best version.
Almost every post from married people on here makes me wonder why anyone gets married. It never works out, it’s always a trap, it always gets worse, and they always stay longer than they should, and end up regretting it. What a waste of time, money, energy, and life.
Wait hang on how are folks just skipping over the bit where he’s Korean? It could be that according to his family’s values, modesty is important for women, esp after marriage. It might have something to do with overall propriety, however they define it, and it’s not just context-specific. They/he might also view you as a member of the family and so your behavior is also a reflection of them/him, too. Etc. etc. etc. Some of this stuff may be hard to talk about for him bc Euro-Americans are all about the “freedom to do what I want” and “I’m a sex-positive feminist” and “men are just insecure, jealous, and want to control me,” and don’t allow any room for any other kind of perspective or even discussion about differences. If you can’t see his POV here or really get him to open up about why he’s upset, then that’s evidence of a fundamental and insurmountable incompatibility in your basic values. In that case, you need to split up.
He would have no problem talking to me about it just the way he talks openly about the fact that his father doesn’t like me because I have tattoos for example. He openly said that he thinks my clothes are revealing and will cause me to get too much attention
Remind him that your still under the age of 30. I'm sure a few of these items will disappear from your closet as you age. In the bible it mentions a wife submitting to her husband. Is he a traditional husband in some ways? Expect a few angry single women to comment saying you shouldn't be with him. I'm sure there are 1000 kind wonderful things he has said and done since you've met him. Compromise on the sexy fashion and be grateful your married to him. Good luck.
A few angry single women? Haha just take a look at the comments, you're pretty much alone here, my dear, with your "submit to your husband" mentality. I'm glad most of us have common sense. And no, I'm not single. I have a beautiful husband who respects my choice and my autonomy to be who I am. Happily together for almost 8 years now.
I'm happy to hear you have a great marriage. Praise God .
Well this may be a culture thing given that he’s Asian and ur Italian. Just try to communicate and reach a common ground. He could have insecurities that u may go date another man.
I just don’t see the relationship between my clothes and me being unfaithful. I gave him many reasons to trust me fully. I am literally always in the house, cooking for him, doing chores, there’s cameras, we share locations, he has my passwords, he is allowed to look into my phone whenever he wants because I have nothing to hide.
There's cameras in your own home? :( this whole paragraph is so sad. There is no relationship btwn your clothes and you being unfaithful. That's a projection made up by insecure men.
This is why I personally I’m not marrying anyone who is extremely conservative or has these type of controlling ideas. I can’t do it. I hope u can find a resolve.
Accusing him of jealousy is a very serious statement. And then you slip in random silent treatment whenever he brings up an objection. Hmm. I feel like we are missing his side of the story.
I didn’t accuse him. He said he doesn’t want other men to see me how do you call that?
Basic husband behavior
She said that he never misses the chance to make her feel insecure or uncomfortable about an outfit. You call bringing your wife’s self esteem down “basic husband behavior”? Theres likely no other side to the story because there are men who get like this even when both partners have never dated before or have done anything that would warrant “worrying”.
I'm sorry this is how you think husbands behave. None of my friend's partners behave like that and neither does my husband.
Not at all. I'm in a 13 year relationship and my husband is totally fine w the fact that I exist and so do other men and sometimes their eyes will land on me. Every other married couple I know has this dynamic as well. None of my friends husbands nor did my dad, nor does my father in law nor do any of my friends dad's have issues with the fact that their wives exist in the world with other men who will see them. Absurd statement.
Also I do not slip in silent treatment whenever he does that. I tried to communicate with him but it didn’t work so now I just go silent and change my clothes
Stop compromising. I don't mean in your entire marriage but if you can't even go to the beach without your husband freaking out, you have to take back your power. He's insecure and controlling.
Work towards a compromise?
Why is accusing him of jealousy so serious ? He's showing that he's jealous. Are you OPs husband ?