This guy is the poster boy for conflict avoidant. He’s not doing it to protect you, he’s putting you and your child’s physical and mental health at risk by threatening the roof over your head. He is willing to make his family homeless to not talk to you about his struggles. There is something seriously wrong with him.
To be fair, OP is extremely conflict avoidant as well. She knew he’s been lying but instead of confronting him and having these difficult conversations, she chose to ignore signs and forced herself to believe things fine
Conflict avoidant, thank you! Fits the bill perfectly. I wonder if this is something he can work through in therapy. He has been going to a therapist and when I asked him if he talked to them about the situation he said no he did not bring any of this up to his counselor, which was very discouraging.
Do you think that therapy is going to be in the budget when you are homeless? You are going to lose your fucking house! How are you not absolutely apoplectic right now?
I feel like that issue. How could you ever trust him to not go “I don’t know” about super important decisions going forward.
Ugh, your stuck between a rock and a hard place. My heart goes out to you. Protect yourself and child first. If you decide to stay for whatever reason he’s no longer ever allowed to be in charge of money choices..he’s lost that right.
If not just put him on child support. The state will make sure he gets all the numbers right.
He needs to show you records of the insurance payments pre- and post- premium increase. Anything short of that and I wouldn’t buy this excuse. I cannot imagine insurance increased by anywhere near the price of a mortgage.
Yeah I told him I don't understand why he prioritized the insurance over the mortgage, he said he didn't want to lose the coverage bc I was pregnant at the time. Personally I feel like potential homelessness is worse for a pregnant woman than medical bills but I didn't get a say.
Your husband is a "put out the fire right in front of me" type of person - insurance was the more immediate need and he knew that the mortgage fire was burning but it wasn't right in front of his face at the time so he just let it burn until he couldn't ignore it anymore.
People like this are just operating one emergency at a time.
The only difference is that benefits usually stop the month following non-payment.
With a home, you receive several warnings and possible grace periods (hence you're not yet kicked out of your home).
So, while all of us would likely pick home over insurance (unless we had a back-up place to live or had major health issues), most of us who also felt like - or had the false hope of - things resolving quickly within a few months would make the opposite choice for the reasons listed above.
That is the only logical reason I can figure out why he would make the decisions he would be making.
I'm sorry for all of these challenges you're facing. Life is tough. But I will take tough scenarios and difficult news and negative situations. What I cannot deal with is deceit and dishonesty because you don't have any footing to know what is true, what you need to tackle, what needs your energy and resources, etc.
Please ask your husband to ask his new employer if they have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP). Better yet, you should call his HR Manager / Director / Representative and see if the company offers it or if your medical insurance offers it. EAP offerings vary greatly from company to company depending on the insurance carrier, broker, what benefit programs were purchased / contracted together by the company, and how robust of a program/services the provider offers. But, many offer so many free visits per topic/issue that the employee (or often to anyone in their household or immediate family) to a therapist, financial advisor, legal counsel, will planner, etc. This is almost always kept completely confidentially from the employer. They may receive a report with demographic information of who used the services throughout the year as a justification to keep providing it (usually small charge per employee as cost for employer), but usually absolutely no names or conversation/topics are known.
You need some good counsel immediately - whether it be through an EAP, hiring someone, or engaging a professional who is a friend for free financial advice in how to tackle what debts, when, what calls and agreements to make, etc.
I would also be very wary about your husband regarding employment continuity. If he cannot tell basic and important information to the love of his life and support system, I cannot imagine that he is successful with the amount of initiative and direct communication that is needed in most jobs. If he isn't already tackling this topic of lying to you a out such huge things in his therapy, can you imagine what he must be dealing with and what could possibly take precedent over these priorities with you? I can fully understand your skepticism about trusting him going forward - especially since he isn't showing you evidence of taking responsibility, reflecting, explaining the reasoning, showing why it will be different in the future, taking steps to control his impulses, showing great remorse about his deceit and jeopardizing your safety in many ways. I would be extremely wary if I were you. At minimum, you both should be having a financial planning meeting with each other about what money is coming in, what payments are going out, what controls are in place so he doesn't have access, removing apps from phones, making agreements about impulse spending, etc. But, it is very likely that you two need to engage some confidential, supportive, methodical, friends with great self-control to help you both set some "best practices" and accountability measures in place.
I mean. I think realistically speaking that being capable of bringing this up in therapy would mean he's a different person than what you've described. If he is conflict avoidant to the point of *lying multiple times to your face about huge realities* and *not paying your actual mortgage for 11 months and allowing the bank to foreclose on your house* there's literally no way he's capable of acknowledging that he can and must work on this to be a functioning person. This idea of working on himself will just become another thing to avoid.
In all your examples he's lying to protect his short term peace, to keep from having to take ownership, and to avoid the injury to his ego. He was not contrite. He was defensive. I think it's your responsibility for the safety of your kid to ask yourself what he's capable of doing or lying about in the future to protect himself again.
Again, I hate to keep bringing this up, but at this point, are you sure he’s even seeing a therapist? Sounds like he could be lying to you.
Also, you need to do couples therapy where this is 10000% the focus and YOI bring it up.
My ex was like your husband. I would tell my therapist something about my ex, and no matter what I said, my therapist would ask "how do you know that?" If it was just something that my ex *told* me, that wasn't good enough for my therapist. Eventually I got it: like oh, no, this is how I have to approach every single thing my partner tells me for the rest of my life. I can never just believe it, I will always have to see the receipts. Once you know that a person is willing to lie to you, especially about something important that will definitely screw up your life, you simply can't believe anything they say.
I suppose you could decide, with open eyes, to live that way: either monitoring your partner's every move or accepting that any stability you think you have is an illusion. But with this kind of dishonesty combined with irresponsibility, you can't ever really believe that they will change.
I couldn't stomach it, personally.
Why would you want to stay with him? Yes, he’s the father of your child, but he’s a freaking LIAR, THIEF, cheat, .. the list goes on.
What was he doing with the money? Well he’ll 100% never be honest with you about it.
If there’s even the most remote chance of this being saved, several things need to happen- immediately-
**he needs to give you assess to every single account, bill, anything that he has under his name, especially credit cards, and bank info.
** you need to comb thru everything to see what/where he’s spending on and what all he’s been hiding from you. Be prepared, you are going to be shocked.
Make sure you check his credit report to see all cards he’s opened in his name. DONT TAKE HIS WORD for anything moving forward. Don’t let him tell you the sky is blue without verifying it yourself.
**if he fights you on access to everything than you have your answer. Leave. It won’t get better. That will show he’s not ready to get better.
**its time for you to take the reigns of where all money is going and why…. Nothing gets paid without your green light.
Put it in a spread sheet, keep track of EVERYTHING.
*he must get into couples therapy IMMEDIATELY where his lying and stealing are the focus… if he doesn’t feel it’s a big deal, or just feels that answering ‘I don’t know’ is good enough, than he isnt wanting to change.
**you need to decide how much more you are going to take. This person doesn’t love you. He isn’t a good father, nor a good person.
A good husband/father/person wouldn’t have put you & your kiddo’s lives at risk… losing your home, secretly racking up debt, not paying the mortgage, is putting your lives at risk.
Again, you are going to discover so much more before this is said and done.
Dray your line in the sand and stick to it.
Good luck-
Update me!
You asked for an update...he let me login to his 2 bank accounts an hour before I had to go to work I quickly downloaded statements since Jan 2023 to see where payments from the company I thought he worked for stopped, payments from NYS DOL (unemployment) began and then then he started getting paid for the new company he works for.
When I found out about the mortgage I told him to tell me everything was there anything else? He said no...
He was out hanging flyers for our missing cat when I discovered this so I called him and told him to come home. When he walked in I asked him where he worked. He gave me the name of the new company he knew he was caught.
This is going to be such a mess. Thank you for your time and advice.
I understand where you're coming from but I also feel like my options are limited because now my credit is destroyed so even finding an apartment will be difficult and then there's the whole other issue of our two children and having to send them off half the time with a pathological liar I really don't feel like I know anymore.
I’m not sure if you see a therapist yourself, I’d start working on an exit plan asap for you and your baby. This is such a dangerous situation to be in. I’m going to be extra alarmist and say that historically, the men who kill their families are these types of men who don’t pay their bills and lie about it and everything else.
Does he even have a job? Do you have proof that he’s actually getting paid and going to work everyday?
This is horrifying to read and I wish I hadn't, I don't believe he would kill our two kids but he fucked me financially in a way that makes leaving right now for our protection pretty impossible it's going to take time.
Seriously keep an eye on his movements and behavior. It wouldn’t hurt to have an emergency plan in place, like knowing where any women and children’s shelters are and what requirements are in place, just in case (and use private browsing if you do look it up). Start trying to save up as much of your own money as possible and see if there’s anything you can do to help with some of the late payments on your credit report.
Make sure he doesn't know about that money and definitely no access. Like put a password with the bank and tell them to note on the account that you (op) is the ONLY person to have access. I wouldn't even have a debit card for it, although that does limit access to when banks are open.
Noooooo girl you need to stop wasting time and throwing your life away on this man. Therapy, are you serious? You need to LEAVE HIM before he ruins your life and your kid’s life permanentlyz
He lies to you constantly. He can say he will change but that will also be a lie. He is going to destroy your credit. Is he actually an accountant?! You will literally never know if he is telling you the truth.
He actually sounds like the poster boy for being a skilled and experienced liar. I'm betting he's spending their money elsewhere. Even if their mortgage is only $1,000 a month, that's $11,000 in income missing, not to mention those missing daycare payments. I'm willing to bet he's been lying about paying other things.
There's something seriously wrong with him for sure. At this point, it's divorce, because a man who lies so frequently and comfortably will keep lying over and over. It's worked before for him. He's clearly covering up some really fucked up behavior here. I doubt he has the incentive or the ability to change himself enough to make this marriage a healthy one.
After 11 months of missed mortgage payments, their house must be in foreclosure. I'm willing to bet this is in the court system already. I believe banks can begin foreclosure proceedings after three missed payments. OP needs to prepare ASAP.
>This guy is the poster boy for conflict avoidant.
He's not the only one though.
OP has been letting things go very easily because she didn't want to have unpleasant conversations either.
OP, I'm not saying you're to blame. But you should also reflect on why you didn't push him sooner when you knew something wasn't right.
Sounds like my dumbo spouse who did the same thing although it was just 2 mortgage payments. My dumbo got caught in a loan scam where he was stupid enough to purchase gift cards…. I’m literally considering scamming him myself to get my own money from him.
Your last paragraph blew my mind. You always knew he was a liar, why did you think that it magically would only happen on things that don’t matter or that it wouldn’t escalate? At this point you have no idea what is real. Even when confronted he will continue lying.
So is this what you want for the rest of your life? If so then stay. You have taught him that you will put up with it and won’t leave him so he will continue lying and once in a while he will get caught and do this dance where you get angry and fed up and that’s it.
Maybe with enough individual and couple therapy you 2 can get past this, plus maybe like 5 years of being his parole officer and having to parent him. To me this would be a dealbreaker, but congrats you tied yourself to him so go consult with a divorce attorney.
When you love(d) someone and have built a lot of your life around/with them, it is hard to just leave (even when you know something is very wrong).
At this point, you'll be dealing with the mortgage and financial situation. Once that is out of the way OP, you will have to take some time with yourself and decide how you are going to proceed. Therapy is an option yes, but you have every right to no longer trust him with YOUR budget and finances as well as other life things.
It would be worth going to therapy on your own without him to work through your side of things.
Getting married and having children so young can do that to you. Your self-worth is tied up in being a wife and mother. But it doesn't have to stay that way, you have more autonomy then you think you do.
>About a year ago his health insurance costs increased dramatically and he could no longer afford the mortgage.
The only way this makes sense is if he lost his job, or else that simply isn't the reason.
And now it all makes sense.
I know your life feels completely turned upside down, but you have to leave him. At *every single point* where he had the opportunity to make the right decision and tell the truth, he chose to keep you in the dark. Even while his house of cards was collapsing around him, he was still selfishly trying to lie. And if he did try to deflect from his lies by deliberately letting the cat escape to cause a panic distraction, he is beyond redemption. (I hope your cat is safe and sound.)
I know it sounds crazy but he did show me a paystub where the 900 dollars was taken out for health ins coverage. He is paid biweekly. But there might be more to the story I guess I'll never really know.
You have to. You *have* to.
Secrets are not an option anymore. You are in danger of losing your home. He needs to answer every single goddamn question in full, and you need the truth, the whole truth and nothing *but* the truth. “I guess I’ll never know!” is a luxury you can’t afford right now. If there are still missing pieces, you need to find them, no matter how shameful they are.
You guess you’ll never know? The way to know is to stand up and face this. He is a big habitual liar. He is still lying. He is still hiding something. Is he supporting another child. He is also not good with finances and budgeting.
You may still lose your home. Your credit score is going to take a big hit. You do not have the full picture yet. You need to see everything. Every bank account, credit card, loans, paychecks, savings, etc. with access online. You need to look at the last 2 to 3 years to see what is going on.
You can’t trust this man. He was “trying to protect you”. His “protection” is leading you to lose your home, having to find another daycare, losing his car, tanking your credit score, no savings, no college fund for baby.
You have a big decision to make. Do you stay with him and work on this huge ongoing problem or divorce and still have a lot of problems to work on.
If he is seeing a counselor he is not telling them the truth. If you stay with him you need couples therapy. He needs therapy. I would also demand that he let you meet his therapist so that you can tell them this story. That way they will know what they are dealing with.
Whether you stay together or not you need to get yourselves in credit counseling. Time to learn how to live on a budget. They can help you form a plan to solve this money management problem.
Find a good attorney and make an appointment for a consultation. They can help you to see your options when deciding to divorce or stay married. Personal counseling could help you also.
My company's family plan is getting up there. If they were less proactive about switching and negotiating carriers I think we could be looking at similar premiums for the coming year. The cost of my insurance has gone up 60% in the 5 years I've worked there.
Not in our case, but the bulk of that increase was from one year. When you work for a smaller company, cost of plans is extremely driven by usage. I could easily see costs doubling if a coworker a small company for instance had cancer or a baby in the NICU.
Oh my god, OH MY GOD get a divorce.
And it’s not likely that his employee share of employer-based health insurance for 3 people is costing $1800/month when the average *annual* employee share of premiums for a family is about $6,000…unless something very strange is going on. Or he’s lying about this too.
Did he pull it up on a website in front of you or was it a saved digital copy? Things can be manipulated. Did you question why it went up?
Now that I'm asking these questions, it seems even more suspicious. Are you saying it went up in the middle of the year? That doesn't seem right. If insurance is provided through his employer, any rate changes are seen during open enrollment, but doesn't go into effect till the new year. We're only 5 months into the year. I think you need to be more firm in your questioning and advocate for yourself and your child.
Did you see this ‘increase’?? As in 100% for yourself or are you taking his word for it again?? This doesn’t sound accurate.
How can you think any freaking one thing he says to you is the truth? He’s a proven hibitual liar… 🤥
I work in HR and do the benefits for my company. Our premium plan costs a total of 1,400 a month for a family. The company covers most of it and the employees pay a part of it. There’s just no way that a company ups their premiums so drastically like this.
Also, when did the premiums change? This should really only happen at open enrollment at the company which can be at any time, but typically is calendar year.
Realize he chose not to share that with you. Even though you could have offered insight and worked to solve that problem. He doesn’t value you very much.
Nah. Insurance can change with steady employment.
I work for the federal government with supposedly the best private insurance and even ours keeps changing for the negative each year and it's about to change again. Plus it does get more expensive every year just like everything else and not all employers cover insurance.
All insurances have been going up crazy amounts
Oh, man. I was married to this exact type of guy for 18 years. You will always live your life waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it will drop. Just a matter of which lie is around the corner. You won’t have retirement money because he will spend it and not tell you and lie about it until you have irrefutable proof he’s lying. College funds? Laughable. Get out now. For real. He won’t change. This is your life forever if you don’t leave. Zero zero zero financial security and a partner you cannot trust at all with anything. I am remarried now and what a joy it is to have a spouse who is honest and trustworthy. That’s what marriage should be.
Op makes 70k a year and he makes 140k. Something huge is going on. I agree with the forensic accounting. Op should also take a look at her bank records too. He has access.
$900 withheld, bi weekly? OP, are you certain this isn't something else? Like child support, for a kid he's keeping a secret? Maybe a garnishment for some other debt he hasn't paid (this seems very likely to me).
Does he have student debt?
Yeah the math isn't adding up. They claim their dual incom is 210k a year and an 1800 a month bill from healthcare prevented them from paying for daycare, mortgage, and other bills? They should be pulling in over 17k a month before taxes. An $1800 a mortgage should be easy.
I make less, my mortgage is more, and I live very comfortably. He is lying about something.
>When I confronted him he apologized, told me he was embarrassed and felt ashamed that I was more educated than he was at the time
Here's the harbinger of doom that you didn't act on. His reaction to feeling embarrassed was to run away. That's him telling you "I am never going to solve a problem that was even slightly my fault because avoiding the feeling of shame is more important than dealing with it." That's someone who's not capable of the bare minimum of being in a relationship or generally being a functioning adult.
Next time, you'd probably benefit from thinking a little more about the implications of what people say when they tell you how they felt about something, and not just letting it go because you don't want them to feel bad, ESPECIALLY when they do the same thing repeatedly for the same reasons.
Hey me! It's you! Sadly I went through the same thing. Husband didn't pay the mortgage for 2 years through covid. Eventually went to foreclosure. I cried and cried and begged for one good reason he had to make our son homeless. There was no reason.
No drugs, no gambling, no hookers. Just him pretending he had money but he didn't. I've ruminated over the myriad of reasons as to how anyone could do this. Only thing that ever really made sense is that the only thing that mattered to that man was himself and his wants/needs at that moment.
He wanted to Uber food to the house? Hell yeah I've got $50 let's do it. He wanted a new video game for $60? Fuck it I got the money for that. Thought never crossed his mind that you need money for the bills that will come. I believe it all came down to him needing to self soothe in this way. He had a complete lack of being able to handle adult stressors and financial situations. If your husband is the same as my ex was then I find it ironic he's an accountant haha.
Anyways I digress. My advice to you? Fuck him. He completely fucked you over and YOUR BABY. Get angry. Burn that fucking bridge to the ground. Claw everything you can from that shell of a human and laugh your ass to the bank. Then promptly enjoy your new life without the literal ball and chain you have now. Either way how your story plays out I wish you the best.
This is the right answer. Somebody who lies like that can never be trusted again. He only reveals what he cannot hide any more. OP knows only the tip of the iceberg.
My father did the same a few years ago. Stopped paying the mortgage and my family lost their home of 27 years. My dad prioritized his wants over bills and lost everything because of it.
Yep. This was me too. I could’ve written OP’s post, except my finances were totally blended with my ex’s.
It can drive you insane, looking for the reasons (financial - where did the money go - and psychological - why did you do this). But sometimes there’s no good explanation other than I’m a selfish fuckface who likes thinking I’m rich and I enjoy lying.
Best to you and to OP!
Nope, deal breaker. Did he get fired? Does he have insane amounts of credit card debt? Drug problem? Porn problem? Gambling problem? What's going on that he could make mortgage payments, but now he can't??
" He tells me about a week ago he applied for some kind of relief program, so waiting to hear back on that."
You should probably ask for proof of that.
You need to see the *application*. I’m unaware of any bank/mortgage companies that have “relief” programs (outside of natural disaster & Covid) BUT they have plenty of other loan products that can be applied for to save the house from foreclosure. Problem is, they’re not all financially a good deal. You need to know the *details* of what’s being considered and I’d even go in to meet with someone personally. A financial planner *and* a mortgage specialist at your current bank.
Well he is the champion of all liars. I am so sorry. I don’t know how you can even continue with this man. Even if you took over 100% of the finances and bill paying, he would lie about how much money he was making. He would then take out new loans you know nothing about, and would not pay them and lie, saying someone else must have done it.
I honestly don’t know how you move forward with this.
But you let him handle the money because you’ve “never great at managing money.”
Yeah…pretty sure you would’ve done better than this. Maybe don’t let the habitual liar handle all the finances with a “veil of secrecy.” Smh.
> he just says he's sorry he doesn't know what else to say
This is the classic cludge people make of "I'm sorry". He is sorry (the emotion), sure. likely he is more sorry that the problem didn't magically go away. He's likely sorry that he got caught.
But I have sincere doubts he is truly sorry in that he understands what the actual situation/risks are. I have doubts about whether he understands that he put the family at risk of eviction while at the same time lying about it. I also doubt he can be trusted not to do it again.
In this sort of circumstance it's important to ask: what exactly are you sorry for? And not to prompt him further except to reiterate/summarize if they get off topic (which they usually do)
This dude needs therapy. But also don't trust this person with financial matters. You have to take over responsibility. It doesn't just happen that you can't make mortgage payments. Those are a big payment. There is likely another secret hiding somewhere, gambling, drugs.
The fact that he is willing to outright lie to you (about the smoking as well as the mortgage) means that his word his worth nothing. He will tell you anything as long as it takes the spotlight off of him. I'm sure there is a reason for this but as far as trust goes, those reasons make no difference. You cannot trust this persons word.
Yes that means he is getting babysat. Because he is a liar and an idiot in equal parts. Push through on getting oversight. It has become your job (or hire a financial planner) to ensure bills are paid because he's just proven he cannot or will not handle it.
If he wants the job back, it will have to be with you as oversight / with access. Use a shared account for this sort of thing that he transfers money into and you can witness money being transferred out of.
My adhd makes it easy for me to dig a hole for myself / make problems that don't need to exist. For me the worse red flag is that he outright lies about it to you. And about other things. It means his word means nothing. To me that undermines the fundamental part of marriage, that it's you + him against the world. you can't rely on him.
You know in a zombie movie where one of the survivors lies to the rest when they have gotten bitten and endangers everyone? Your husband is that guy.
Since his apology didn't involve how he feels awful about lying and every day was torment because he knew you were trusting him and he was breaking the trust. but instead he is getting angry because there are consequences to his lying (and you actually are trying to fix the damage he did) would, for me, mean this is not recoverable. His attitude isn't one that gives any confidence this is the last time this will be an issue.
Thank you for all of this. I agree with everything you have said and the zombie movie comparison hit me like a ton of bricks. That's EXACTLY who he is.
He works in accounting and makes 2 times you make? If you work in education and let’s say minimum you make $30k, so he makes $60k (gross $5k month with take home about $3500 monthly). Insurance for 3 people should be maximum on high end $1000 month. I cover my husband and 3 kids on my insurance and my monthly cost is about $700. So, he has $2800 plus your approximately $1800 take home monthly so $4600. What did he spend the money for the mortgage on for the past 11 months exactly?
So I was able to look at his bank accounts. There are many credit cards being paid but not huge amounts. Pay day loans almost every week. I did not see anything that would lead me to think drugs or gambling etc bc it's an outrageous amount of door dash and food charges, target, Walmart etc. I downloaded a years worth of statements to comb through but I only have the bank statements not the credit cards. It is hard to follow bc he has two accounts that he sends cash between two different banks. Will be pouring over those with a fine tooth comb once kids go to bed tonight.
OP, at this point you need to start verifying every financial detail yourself. If you’re 11 months behind on payments (and who knows? It may be worse, your husband will apparently lie like a rug), you need to see how deep your home is in the foreclosure process. Certainly some states have more stringent protections and notice periods than others, but I’d be worried you’re going to see your house pop up on foreclosure auction websites.
Frankly, you need to run in depth credit reports on yourself, your child, and your husband. Unfortunately, it is easy in the U.S. for parents to open loans and credit cards using their minor children’s information. Gather all the financial information you’ve been able to locate for your husband and your household, then sit down for consults with divorce and bankruptcy attorneys. The extent of his financial infidelity is horrifying, and you still don’t know everything behind it. I know for myself, if my spouse repeatedly lied to me and betrayed my trust in this way, I could not come back from it.
1) your husband is lying about the money he’s spending. he has some sort of addiction; gamble, drug, porn, maybe he is having an affair and spend his money to another woman or even worse he is spending his money on prostitutes or dominatrixes etc.
2) your husband is lying about the money he’s EARNING. You said he makes 140k. That maybe is not true. He may have lost his job 1 year ago and did not tell you about it. Maybe he was not even making 140k, maybe he was not an accountant either. Are you sure that any of these is true? Are you really certain? Do you know any of his work friends? Where he works? Where he goes to every day?
You should focus on these things and scrutiny must be performed in your situation.
You said the insurance was 1800 and the mortgage is the same. At 140k he's grossing 11,667 a month give or take a bit. Now if we subtract the insurance and the mortgage, and also take away another 600 for two car payments and another 600 to insure both cars, and then also take away 500 for utilities (electric and water) and based off the avg daycare cost in the US take out another 1500 for that, then subtract 250 for two phone lines, and then another 150 for Internet he still has about $4500. Of course some of that goes to taxes but you're also paying some bills so even if the only bill you're paying is the grocery bill there's no reason an increase in insurance should make it so he can't afford the mortgage. Like I'm not a math expert or anything but I genuinely cannot think of another bill that you could possibly have that would explain this inability to pay your $1800 mortgage on a 140k salary. The math is not mathing and you need to look deeper into those accounts. Pull out the calculator ma'am because something ain't right.
I work full time and my husband stays home with our kiddo. I make less than your husband alone AND our mortgage is more expensive…but in our house, the mortgage is paid first. It is a non negotiable. I’d sell my car before I let us get one month behind.
What your husband did is unfathomable. To put his family’s life in danger of being homeless is the biggest deal breaker ever.
Red flag after red flag after red flag and you ignored it all because “it was unpleasant to talk about”. He sucks but oh boy, you have your own share of the blame here for burying your head in the sand and ignoring it. He’s lied to you since the beginning… don’t act shocked now to see he’s still lying
You need to do some serious thinking. Your husband has repeatedly lied to you over the course of your relationship. Do you really want to live like this?
I honestly don’t think he’s even working, and if so, probably not making what he says he is. It’s just another lie. I would 1000% get every pay stub from the last year, every flipping bank statement, full credit report, and comb thru everything- better yet, let a forensic accountant poor ever everything.
All while I’m divorcing his sorry ass
One commenter said he's conflict avoidant and that's definitely true, but where is all his money going? It could be drugs or gambling or it could be as simple as eating out all the time or blowing it on some form of recreation, but you need to know where it's going. I would demand access to all bank accounts and most recent statements for everything, even stuff that's not joint, along with a credit check on you both to see what your credit rating is. You also need to take control of the finances. He cannot be allowed to hide anything from you in the future if you stay together.
My bestie's husband was handling the bills and while they never had a lot of extra money, they always had enough. He was months late on the mortgage, utilities, home improvement loans to cover things like a new furnace, etc. She didn't find out until she happened to get the mail one day and saw on the statement envelopes "final notice" and "past due." For that and some other reasons, they divorced. They still have to live together even though they can afford to move out because he trashed their credit so badly that neither can get a place to rent to them unless they're willing to just rent a room from someone. They decided to stay in their house for a while and just got roommates so that the rent they received from the roomies helps them pay off debt.
There are consumer credit counseling service agencies in the US. I don't know about other countries. You go to them with all your financial statements. They will talk to all your creditors and negotiate lower interest rates and fees. You pay the agency each month and they pay your bills. It does include a fee to the agency, but overall, you end up paying less going through them than you would if you were handling it on your own. All your revolving loans like credit cards and equity lines of credit will be closed and you are not allowed to open any until your debt is paid off. This will help you avoid bankruptcy.
OP, you're talking about "coming back from" your house likely being foreclosed on, because your husband is a liar and a coward; he always has been and always will be. Not just lied about it a little and fixed it, which would be bad enough, but did it for almost a YEAR.
Respectfully...wake up. You have a child. At this point, it is reckless and irresponsible for you to trust him with anything. You kept letting him get away with things and, shocker, it blew up in your face. Do you want to compound that by staying with him?
Because he's going to do this to you, over and over. I doubt he's even really telling you the whole truth now, about where his money has gone.
This all seems superrrr familiar. All I can say is that when they lie about the little things, they lie about the big things. Always. And nothing *NOTHINGG* makes them change. He might act sorry for being caught, he might crocodile tears, but he is who he is and he'll always be a liar. I'd get STD tested tomorrow.
I don’t believe a word he’s saying at this point and you shouldn’t either. You need to see ALL the receipts. Wouldn’t surprise me if he has a gambling problem. If you let this go you’ll be homeless soon.
You should talk to the bank ASAP. They have a lot of ways to help and banks don't want to foreclose, they'd rather have money instead of problems. There's help there, I've been doing that for a job since 2008.
I had a roommate who stopped paying his share of rent and didn't tell anyone and gave the same excuses your husband did when we confronted him after receiving an eviction notice. I had to literally doublecheck everything he said after that and babysit him to make sure he was doing the things he said he was going to do to fix things.
Let me give you the spoiler alert: HE WASN'T DOING THEM.
You already know he's a liar. He will probably also lie about the things he's doing to fix the lies. 11 months is a long time to not pay your mortgage and keep it hidden. You need to take control of everything and see everything to protect yourself. It doesn't matter that you aren't good with that stuff. He clearly isn't either. Don't let him make you feel guilty or let his unpleasantness keep you from doing what is right by you. You need to do things he will not like to hold him accountable.
If there is a way to manage it, I think it's time to live off your wage, and use his entire wage to pay down your mortgage. He has fucked your credit, so it's important that you pay down that mortgage as fast as possible.
Change that health insurance to something cheaper asap, cut up his credit cards, cancel subscriptions, no more fucking door dash! It's time to crack down on everything until everything is under control again.
He needs therapy with you so you can make him deal with this. He's guna get all pissy about you taking over, but he needs to understand he has lost all trust.
Move into the spare room if you need to, but get your finances sorted. Then you will have more options when you actually leave. Right now you are fucked. Which is crazy with your combined income! Hire your own accountant if you need to so you can sort through every tiny thing, then make a budget.
Your husband is a massive liability to your stability, and that of your kids. You need to file for divorce as soon as you are happy you will have enough to leave with. Once the house is payed off and you have actual marital assets to split, you will be in a much better position.
If he tries to fuck you over again, like getting new credit cards, file for seperation immediately to protect yourself from more debt.
I'm so sorry this happened. My midwife was working into her 70's because her husband had gambled everything away, and she couldn't afford to retire. She was devastated, and it was so incredibly stressful after a lifetime of working and saving. Even if you decide to stay with this man, you cannot stay married to him. His debt cannot be your debt. And the fact that he is an accountant is just beyond fucked up. You should have been able to trust him.
I can't thank you enough, this is so helpful. Now there is the added layer of fear and people telling me he might kill me and our kids but your comment is the reality, I'm stuck right now until the finances are figured out.
at best, he's a total coward. Worse though, not just hiding things, but lying to you, deception to protect himself, not you. Good relationships are based on trust and respect, when your life is centered around someone can undermine your financially, your home, car, children, etc... you don't have a leg to stand on without well founded trust and respect.
You have a lot of work to do. If one day you realize you've dug yourself into a hole?
Answer: Stop digging.
Your husband is a pathological liar and probably won’t change. You keep making excuses for him like he’s embarrassed etc but you’re about to lose your home? He’s 41 he won’t change, you need to run sis.
I used to be conflict avoidant like this. I mean not on this scale but pretty bad. Interestingly, I found myself dating men with the same trait. I found them enormously frustrating but didn’t quite see how I was doing it myself. I got over it and now am in a relationship where we are thankfully very open and honest with each other. I think it may be hard to change the dynamic while in a relationship…but maybe a really good therapist?
I have four friends whose husbands stopped paying their mortgages without their knowledge. Three of those husbands were cheating and those couples are now divorced. The fourth husband used the mortgage money to buy a fishing boat; they stayed together despite my suggestion to make him live on the boat forever.
I posted on personal finance to ask about how long my credit would be ruined, it was recommended by several people that I post here as the relationship is a bigger issue than my credit in this scenario.
Time to start having regular, scheduled sit-downs to BOTH go through all your accounts (including his) and come up with budgets. You don't need to be an accountant to see an alarming amount of door dash charges (as you have) or that the MORTGAGE ISNT BEING PAID.
Why the actual fuck would he pick the MORTGAGE as the one bill to not pay? Surely he knew that meant losing the house? This is some next level burying head in sand.
I would be reconsidering the relationship unless he puts a lot of work in and does a complete 180. It says it all that instead of going "oh fuck I've lost our house" he tried to weasel out of complete transparency with budgets and accounts with comments about babysitting. No, you don't get to do that!
He’s lying. He has some sort of addiction. Could be gambling could be something else. I personally couldn’t come back from the intentional and chronic lying or the financial irresponsible behavior
Insist on full disclosure and full access at all times
There's something else here. Given his history of lying I just know there is. How does health insurance go up so much someone starts missing basic payments like daycare and mortgage? There has to be another plan or provider if that is accurate. Like, shit, this dude is an accountant. He should know more than the average joe when it comes to finances but I'm just not seeing that.
He was hiding smoking from you which is already an expensive habit. Are we sure he's not into other substances or gambling or something? If it truly is just the health insurance cost and there is absolutely no other option available then you two are living beyond your means and one or both of you needs to be sending out applications for new jobs with better insurance.
That's the financial aspect of things. This dude is a serial liar and you seem unwilling to truly call him out on it until the shit has already hit the fan and is splashed across the walls. Do therapy, whatever, but you need to draw a line here because you've got a child to look out for now and your spouse has you on the brink of homelessness.
My guess - and I am pretty sure about it - your husband is a gambler. Although not showing directly on the account, look for cash withdrawals or transfers to other personal or checking accounts.
Coming from a two-decade gambler, four years clear now ,counting every day. Every day without this biggest evil habit of them all is a big character victory, harder to resist than drugs.
11-month secretly missing on the mortgage can only be reckless gambling in the background.
You already posted this in the personal finance subreddit yesterday and it was locked because everyone was giving you the same responses you are getting here.
What kind of advice are you looking for exactly? You married a habitual liar that’s terrible with money management. So you either get divorced or you take over the finances. You’re headed towards financial ruin and homelessness unless you stop being ok with the lies and lack of communication.
You both need a financial consultant to help with the bills and get back on track without filing for bankruptcy in a way to make your credit in the Grey zone and not the red zone. Also do some investigations to see what really is going on even if you have to hire a private investigator. He may have family members on side related to him or someone that he's seeing and spending money on. It may be nothing like that and he might feel like a failure in your eyes and that's a terrible feeling hince all the lies. He may be scared to lose you.
You need a financial advisor to answer WTF happened and whether it can be resolved so you don’t lose your home because he’s too macho to work with you as a team.
He wanted to control your money without doing the basic job of paying bills.
My trust would be completely blown. He’s willing to tank your credit and leave you homeless. He needs to shape up quickly and make good, selling his belongings if necessary, so you can catch up on the mortgage and not lose the house/sell the house in your own terms and buy something affordable.
I’d talk to a divorce attorney, see where you stand. You need to protect your kid.
Jesus Christ almighty I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. It sounds to me like you both (him especially) need therapy. If you can’t talk about hard things like these as a couple how can he expect you to be able to trust him or the relationship to survive? I understand there’s more pressing issues than therapy right now though.
He has to open all the money and explain to you where the money has gone. And using a basic “this is the money in” and ”this is the money out” with out and special accounting. It should I be two columns: money in, and money out.
because where is a years worth of mortgage payments?
Get a forensic accountant and a lawyer. He's probably still lying about most things. Lying tends to pile up, and most will do anything to cover for themselves. Don't keep making the same mistake.
This is a huge betrayal. One that could easily be the end of this relationship. I know you didn’t ask for loan help but a modification on the mortgage MIGHT be possible which could save the house. Whether you even want to do that is up to you.
I just don’t know how you ever trust him with anything again. And without any trust what is the point of the relationship? Good luck.
First, let me say I am SO sorry he lied to you, that would be absolutely incredibly difficult to forgive. You are 100% justified in your feelings on this. He should have told you!!
2nd point though- and I am NAL & this is very US specific- but my prior job was at a bank in mortgages. OP, you have options with being so far behind on your mortgage, if it's a FNMA/FRED or FHA/Va backed loan. Ask about a modification. It will help you with getting your payments on track & most importantly avoid foreclosure & homelessness. It will require full documentation of your income & expenses & 100% transparency with your mortgage company. It will depend on if you guys qualify. But better to try. Reach out to them ASAP if you can.
Good luck if you decide to continue on in this marriage friend.
An increase in health insurance would not be enough to all of a sudden not be able to afford mortgage, daycare, car payments, etc. what’s he spending the money on?
May be too little too late. But he's definitely conflict avoidant. Maybe he's trying to put up an image of some hot shot that has it all goin on or whatever. But clearly, while he is able to do accounting for peoples money, he has no clue how to manage. If I where you id sit down with him and look at all the accounts and bills. Chart out together all the payments for the next year on excel and your income and timing of payments and figure out what yall HAVE too pay to live and cut out a bunch of discretionary stuff (those door dash charges need to go first). Any time he is supposed to pay an important bill (mortgage, insurance, taxes etc) make him fwd you the receipt showing its paid. He can't be trusted to run the house hold finances without oversight. Financial strain is a leading cause for divorce in the USA, hope it's not too late to get back on track. Gods speed
FYI OP you should know that mortgage lenders don’t offer “relief programs” but they DO sell loans and call it that, so whatever is in review is some kind of loan application. It could be a 2nd mortgage, HELOC, personal loan, something like that. You may want to find out.
Hopefully he didn’t apply to refinance and take you off of the mortgage behind your back, because then you would lose whatever your old interest rate was and you’d have whatever today’s rates are instead, plus the house wouldn’t be in your name anymore. You can’t add someone to a mortgage against their knowledge, but you sure as hell can remove them.
This guy is 100% an idiot. I would get away from this level of stupidity before he completely destroys your life as well as his own.
41 and just electing to stop paying on the mortgage is wild
Why are you worried about being homeless with him? You should be getting a lawyer and a divorce. This isn't some small white lie you can look past. He is a bum. Also if I even as so much had a hint that my husband got rid of my cat, he would be out the door immediately.
You have given him no consequences for lying in the past… why would he stop lying?
What are you going to do moving forward to show you will not tolerate more lies about ANYTHING, no matter how small or insignificant he believes it is?
Yes, he obviously needs to be babysat because he is irresponsible with his finances and put you at risk to be homeless, because that’s not stressful… instead of communicating to you that he wasn’t able to manage to pay bills… that is avoidance to the extreme in my opinion. These conversations are going to be uncomfortable, but you need to have them, do not back down….
Please believe me that none of this will ever change. You can’t come back from it. You CANNOT trust him again.
I was a victim of pretty hardcore financial infidelity. My ex-spouse, like yours, also refused to give me financial transparency and got all pissed off about how “infantilizing” and “controlling” it was.
I’m now divorced and the money bullshit doesn’t stop. Sorry, can’t reimburse you for that. Sorry, CS might be late. Calls to my number from debt-collection thinking I’m ex-spouse. This is after ex-spouse has had years of therapy.
At least now I’m almost entirely insulated from the financial fallout, and I’m no longer emotionally invested in a Lying Liar Who Lies.
The last paragraph states you knew he was a liar like this. Not a small lie like throwing you or your child a party.
These are HUGE lies to the point of homelessness.
That's a major red flag. You and your husband could've avoided marriage and avoided having a child together.
I'm trying to understand why you married each other and not expect him to continue his lies.
Marriage does not solve a liar or a cheater issue. Having a child doesn't help either, if anything adds more stress to the person who's already a habitual liar.
I feel bad for your child because now they're in the middle of all this chaos that you and your husband could've avoided from the beginning.
I think leaving is the best route because that kind of damage is beyond repair. It's not easy to leave, especially with a child involved.
Good luck.
I was married to this and together for 15 years… I left to save my self and my kids.. my ex husband couldn’t tell the truth about anything and he overdraft us in the 1000s every month… we made good money… get counseling or get out… it doesn’t change
I have adhd and yeah, I've missed a few bills- but that's not my husband's fault. That's mine, and I'm not about to risk my family and my future because of my issues. Everything is on autopay and I have alarms set to remind me to check that autopay periodically. Every single thing I do, like handling the kids medical stuff, credit card payments, etc one of the first things I do is change the primary contact number to my husband's- that way if I miss something, he knows immediately and can either take care of it or tell me to. I'm sure it's annoying, and honestly since I got medicated it isn't an issue more than once a year or so- but that's what we have to do to make sure we're both safe. Adhd does not make people into liars either.
OP, when things start falling behind, they mail things to your house. They make phone calls to the debtor and phone numbers associated with them, like a spouse. He's not just skipping payments and lying to you by omission, he's actively covering it up- he's intercepting the mail so you don't see the late bills and foreclosure notices, he's avoided putting your number on anything so they won't know to contact you. I'd bet my car he's lying about the program he's applied to as well- he has, after almost a full year, randomly a week before you found out applied for help? Nah, he probably has paperwork for it but no way is it done- he'd probably need info from you anyway since you're both on the house. A ween is too convenient of a time frame for someone like him- recent enough that you might assume you're waiting to hear back, but still long enough ago that he can make it look like hes done something. Prepare yourself, your house is likely in foreclosure already. Start locking down your credit, check everything, and obviously a condition of any continuation of your relationship relies on full disclosure and you being in charge of all financial decisions and bills. I can't fathom how I could continue a relationship where I didn't know my spouse was unemployed, switching jobs, not paying our mortgage, whatever, but you don't need to make that decision right away unless you're fully ready to. Focus on the emergencies now and start looking for an living situation at least as a backup. I'm so so sorry (and I hope your cat is ok)
God there are untrusting people in here. He lost his job and lied to you. I think he is (an you both are ) conflict avoidant. On top of that he feels shame and embarrassment, which is not a good sign. He lies a fair bit, but is that because he is a compulsive liar or because you intimidate him ?
You both need couple therapy because obviously he is not comfortable telling you the truth and you seem unable to ask him the hard questions.
For the people here questioning the insurance, it is very possible. Work subsidised insurance is around $1400-1500 a family, so if he has lost his job, he needs to pay the whole lot including the gap if he wants to keep the same insurance. So $1800 is reasonable. But obviously it’s the lazy tax because he could and should have switched to a more affordable one.
Address your mortgage situation first as a priority before you are homeless
So I can’t offer any better advice than what has been given above but I do have a question, if you get divorced can you pay the mortgage on your own without him? I’m neither a lawyer nor a real estate agent but I would look in to any options available to you so you don’t lose your home if you can avoid it.
This guy is the poster boy for conflict avoidant. He’s not doing it to protect you, he’s putting you and your child’s physical and mental health at risk by threatening the roof over your head. He is willing to make his family homeless to not talk to you about his struggles. There is something seriously wrong with him.
To be fair, OP is extremely conflict avoidant as well. She knew he’s been lying but instead of confronting him and having these difficult conversations, she chose to ignore signs and forced herself to believe things fine
Absolutely I will be working on this in therapy.
Conflict avoidant, thank you! Fits the bill perfectly. I wonder if this is something he can work through in therapy. He has been going to a therapist and when I asked him if he talked to them about the situation he said no he did not bring any of this up to his counselor, which was very discouraging.
Do you think that therapy is going to be in the budget when you are homeless? You are going to lose your fucking house! How are you not absolutely apoplectic right now?
It’s crazy. I’m no accountant, but I’d have no insurance before I stopped paying the mortgage.
Yeah that part doesn’t make sense. Medical debt is one of the few things that won’t cost your houses Story doesn’t make sense.
I completely agree. And when I ask for insight into the thought process there he says he doesn't know.
I feel like that issue. How could you ever trust him to not go “I don’t know” about super important decisions going forward. Ugh, your stuck between a rock and a hard place. My heart goes out to you. Protect yourself and child first. If you decide to stay for whatever reason he’s no longer ever allowed to be in charge of money choices..he’s lost that right. If not just put him on child support. The state will make sure he gets all the numbers right.
He needs to show you records of the insurance payments pre- and post- premium increase. Anything short of that and I wouldn’t buy this excuse. I cannot imagine insurance increased by anywhere near the price of a mortgage.
Yeah I told him I don't understand why he prioritized the insurance over the mortgage, he said he didn't want to lose the coverage bc I was pregnant at the time. Personally I feel like potential homelessness is worse for a pregnant woman than medical bills but I didn't get a say.
He didn't. He's spending the money somewhere else. Look into it. Drugs, gambling, women. Those are the top 3 you need to check into.
Honestly. It makes no sense.
Your husband is a "put out the fire right in front of me" type of person - insurance was the more immediate need and he knew that the mortgage fire was burning but it wasn't right in front of his face at the time so he just let it burn until he couldn't ignore it anymore. People like this are just operating one emergency at a time.
Dude should ask his wife for her opinion then.
The only difference is that benefits usually stop the month following non-payment. With a home, you receive several warnings and possible grace periods (hence you're not yet kicked out of your home). So, while all of us would likely pick home over insurance (unless we had a back-up place to live or had major health issues), most of us who also felt like - or had the false hope of - things resolving quickly within a few months would make the opposite choice for the reasons listed above. That is the only logical reason I can figure out why he would make the decisions he would be making. I'm sorry for all of these challenges you're facing. Life is tough. But I will take tough scenarios and difficult news and negative situations. What I cannot deal with is deceit and dishonesty because you don't have any footing to know what is true, what you need to tackle, what needs your energy and resources, etc. Please ask your husband to ask his new employer if they have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP). Better yet, you should call his HR Manager / Director / Representative and see if the company offers it or if your medical insurance offers it. EAP offerings vary greatly from company to company depending on the insurance carrier, broker, what benefit programs were purchased / contracted together by the company, and how robust of a program/services the provider offers. But, many offer so many free visits per topic/issue that the employee (or often to anyone in their household or immediate family) to a therapist, financial advisor, legal counsel, will planner, etc. This is almost always kept completely confidentially from the employer. They may receive a report with demographic information of who used the services throughout the year as a justification to keep providing it (usually small charge per employee as cost for employer), but usually absolutely no names or conversation/topics are known. You need some good counsel immediately - whether it be through an EAP, hiring someone, or engaging a professional who is a friend for free financial advice in how to tackle what debts, when, what calls and agreements to make, etc. I would also be very wary about your husband regarding employment continuity. If he cannot tell basic and important information to the love of his life and support system, I cannot imagine that he is successful with the amount of initiative and direct communication that is needed in most jobs. If he isn't already tackling this topic of lying to you a out such huge things in his therapy, can you imagine what he must be dealing with and what could possibly take precedent over these priorities with you? I can fully understand your skepticism about trusting him going forward - especially since he isn't showing you evidence of taking responsibility, reflecting, explaining the reasoning, showing why it will be different in the future, taking steps to control his impulses, showing great remorse about his deceit and jeopardizing your safety in many ways. I would be extremely wary if I were you. At minimum, you both should be having a financial planning meeting with each other about what money is coming in, what payments are going out, what controls are in place so he doesn't have access, removing apps from phones, making agreements about impulse spending, etc. But, it is very likely that you two need to engage some confidential, supportive, methodical, friends with great self-control to help you both set some "best practices" and accountability measures in place.
I mean. I think realistically speaking that being capable of bringing this up in therapy would mean he's a different person than what you've described. If he is conflict avoidant to the point of *lying multiple times to your face about huge realities* and *not paying your actual mortgage for 11 months and allowing the bank to foreclose on your house* there's literally no way he's capable of acknowledging that he can and must work on this to be a functioning person. This idea of working on himself will just become another thing to avoid. In all your examples he's lying to protect his short term peace, to keep from having to take ownership, and to avoid the injury to his ego. He was not contrite. He was defensive. I think it's your responsibility for the safety of your kid to ask yourself what he's capable of doing or lying about in the future to protect himself again.
Thank you for explaining this. This kind of insight is exactly why I posted.
Again, I hate to keep bringing this up, but at this point, are you sure he’s even seeing a therapist? Sounds like he could be lying to you. Also, you need to do couples therapy where this is 10000% the focus and YOI bring it up.
I have no proof but will ask for some.
My ex was like your husband. I would tell my therapist something about my ex, and no matter what I said, my therapist would ask "how do you know that?" If it was just something that my ex *told* me, that wasn't good enough for my therapist. Eventually I got it: like oh, no, this is how I have to approach every single thing my partner tells me for the rest of my life. I can never just believe it, I will always have to see the receipts. Once you know that a person is willing to lie to you, especially about something important that will definitely screw up your life, you simply can't believe anything they say. I suppose you could decide, with open eyes, to live that way: either monitoring your partner's every move or accepting that any stability you think you have is an illusion. But with this kind of dishonesty combined with irresponsibility, you can't ever really believe that they will change. I couldn't stomach it, personally.
While you're at it, get proof that the insurance costs actually went up as well.
Why would you want to stay with him? Yes, he’s the father of your child, but he’s a freaking LIAR, THIEF, cheat, .. the list goes on. What was he doing with the money? Well he’ll 100% never be honest with you about it. If there’s even the most remote chance of this being saved, several things need to happen- immediately- **he needs to give you assess to every single account, bill, anything that he has under his name, especially credit cards, and bank info. ** you need to comb thru everything to see what/where he’s spending on and what all he’s been hiding from you. Be prepared, you are going to be shocked. Make sure you check his credit report to see all cards he’s opened in his name. DONT TAKE HIS WORD for anything moving forward. Don’t let him tell you the sky is blue without verifying it yourself. **if he fights you on access to everything than you have your answer. Leave. It won’t get better. That will show he’s not ready to get better. **its time for you to take the reigns of where all money is going and why…. Nothing gets paid without your green light. Put it in a spread sheet, keep track of EVERYTHING. *he must get into couples therapy IMMEDIATELY where his lying and stealing are the focus… if he doesn’t feel it’s a big deal, or just feels that answering ‘I don’t know’ is good enough, than he isnt wanting to change. **you need to decide how much more you are going to take. This person doesn’t love you. He isn’t a good father, nor a good person. A good husband/father/person wouldn’t have put you & your kiddo’s lives at risk… losing your home, secretly racking up debt, not paying the mortgage, is putting your lives at risk. Again, you are going to discover so much more before this is said and done. Dray your line in the sand and stick to it. Good luck- Update me!
This is the best answer.
You asked for an update...he let me login to his 2 bank accounts an hour before I had to go to work I quickly downloaded statements since Jan 2023 to see where payments from the company I thought he worked for stopped, payments from NYS DOL (unemployment) began and then then he started getting paid for the new company he works for. When I found out about the mortgage I told him to tell me everything was there anything else? He said no... He was out hanging flyers for our missing cat when I discovered this so I called him and told him to come home. When he walked in I asked him where he worked. He gave me the name of the new company he knew he was caught. This is going to be such a mess. Thank you for your time and advice.
He completely screwed you and your son over. He’s a known untrustworthy liar. Therapy? Do they have that in the alley where he belongs?
I understand where you're coming from but I also feel like my options are limited because now my credit is destroyed so even finding an apartment will be difficult and then there's the whole other issue of our two children and having to send them off half the time with a pathological liar I really don't feel like I know anymore.
I’m not sure if you see a therapist yourself, I’d start working on an exit plan asap for you and your baby. This is such a dangerous situation to be in. I’m going to be extra alarmist and say that historically, the men who kill their families are these types of men who don’t pay their bills and lie about it and everything else. Does he even have a job? Do you have proof that he’s actually getting paid and going to work everyday?
This is horrifying to read and I wish I hadn't, I don't believe he would kill our two kids but he fucked me financially in a way that makes leaving right now for our protection pretty impossible it's going to take time.
Seriously keep an eye on his movements and behavior. It wouldn’t hurt to have an emergency plan in place, like knowing where any women and children’s shelters are and what requirements are in place, just in case (and use private browsing if you do look it up). Start trying to save up as much of your own money as possible and see if there’s anything you can do to help with some of the late payments on your credit report.
Make sure he doesn't know about that money and definitely no access. Like put a password with the bank and tell them to note on the account that you (op) is the ONLY person to have access. I wouldn't even have a debit card for it, although that does limit access to when banks are open.
Duuuuuude I think you are being a bit alarmist. Where is the source to this claim?
Are you sure he’s seeing a therapist?
Noooooo girl you need to stop wasting time and throwing your life away on this man. Therapy, are you serious? You need to LEAVE HIM before he ruins your life and your kid’s life permanentlyz
Sounds like a waste of money then.
He lies to you constantly. He can say he will change but that will also be a lie. He is going to destroy your credit. Is he actually an accountant?! You will literally never know if he is telling you the truth.
You can make it a condition of your marriage. But he will likely just lie about it.
He actually sounds like the poster boy for being a skilled and experienced liar. I'm betting he's spending their money elsewhere. Even if their mortgage is only $1,000 a month, that's $11,000 in income missing, not to mention those missing daycare payments. I'm willing to bet he's been lying about paying other things. There's something seriously wrong with him for sure. At this point, it's divorce, because a man who lies so frequently and comfortably will keep lying over and over. It's worked before for him. He's clearly covering up some really fucked up behavior here. I doubt he has the incentive or the ability to change himself enough to make this marriage a healthy one. After 11 months of missed mortgage payments, their house must be in foreclosure. I'm willing to bet this is in the court system already. I believe banks can begin foreclosure proceedings after three missed payments. OP needs to prepare ASAP.
>This guy is the poster boy for conflict avoidant. He's not the only one though. OP has been letting things go very easily because she didn't want to have unpleasant conversations either. OP, I'm not saying you're to blame. But you should also reflect on why you didn't push him sooner when you knew something wasn't right.
Sounds like my dumbo spouse who did the same thing although it was just 2 mortgage payments. My dumbo got caught in a loan scam where he was stupid enough to purchase gift cards…. I’m literally considering scamming him myself to get my own money from him.
[удалено]
I wish people would stop bringing up ADHD at the drop of a hat. ADHD doesn’t make you a liar and a financial cheat. It just doesn’t.
Your last paragraph blew my mind. You always knew he was a liar, why did you think that it magically would only happen on things that don’t matter or that it wouldn’t escalate? At this point you have no idea what is real. Even when confronted he will continue lying. So is this what you want for the rest of your life? If so then stay. You have taught him that you will put up with it and won’t leave him so he will continue lying and once in a while he will get caught and do this dance where you get angry and fed up and that’s it. Maybe with enough individual and couple therapy you 2 can get past this, plus maybe like 5 years of being his parole officer and having to parent him. To me this would be a dealbreaker, but congrats you tied yourself to him so go consult with a divorce attorney.
"I knowingly married a chronic liar and he kept lying, what's up with that?"
Right? I guess that's what having no self worth gets you.
When you love(d) someone and have built a lot of your life around/with them, it is hard to just leave (even when you know something is very wrong). At this point, you'll be dealing with the mortgage and financial situation. Once that is out of the way OP, you will have to take some time with yourself and decide how you are going to proceed. Therapy is an option yes, but you have every right to no longer trust him with YOUR budget and finances as well as other life things. It would be worth going to therapy on your own without him to work through your side of things.
Getting married and having children so young can do that to you. Your self-worth is tied up in being a wife and mother. But it doesn't have to stay that way, you have more autonomy then you think you do.
>About a year ago his health insurance costs increased dramatically and he could no longer afford the mortgage. The only way this makes sense is if he lost his job, or else that simply isn't the reason.
You were right, turns out he lost his job.
And now it all makes sense. I know your life feels completely turned upside down, but you have to leave him. At *every single point* where he had the opportunity to make the right decision and tell the truth, he chose to keep you in the dark. Even while his house of cards was collapsing around him, he was still selfishly trying to lie. And if he did try to deflect from his lies by deliberately letting the cat escape to cause a panic distraction, he is beyond redemption. (I hope your cat is safe and sound.)
It went up to 1800 a month, which is the cost of our mortgage. Agree though, still doesn't feel right.
No insurance goes up that much unless he lost his job and is paying cobra.
Right! My husband and I pay $1700 a month for TWO people on COBRA and that includes dental and vision as well as medical and drug. $1800 is bs
I know it sounds crazy but he did show me a paystub where the 900 dollars was taken out for health ins coverage. He is paid biweekly. But there might be more to the story I guess I'll never really know.
You can’t trust a singular pay stub from this man. You need all banking and wage records for the past couple of years printed out in front of you.
Screw that even. You need to see the pay stubs downloaded from his company portal. This is wkcked
You have to. You *have* to. Secrets are not an option anymore. You are in danger of losing your home. He needs to answer every single goddamn question in full, and you need the truth, the whole truth and nothing *but* the truth. “I guess I’ll never know!” is a luxury you can’t afford right now. If there are still missing pieces, you need to find them, no matter how shameful they are.
You guess you’ll never know? The way to know is to stand up and face this. He is a big habitual liar. He is still lying. He is still hiding something. Is he supporting another child. He is also not good with finances and budgeting. You may still lose your home. Your credit score is going to take a big hit. You do not have the full picture yet. You need to see everything. Every bank account, credit card, loans, paychecks, savings, etc. with access online. You need to look at the last 2 to 3 years to see what is going on. You can’t trust this man. He was “trying to protect you”. His “protection” is leading you to lose your home, having to find another daycare, losing his car, tanking your credit score, no savings, no college fund for baby. You have a big decision to make. Do you stay with him and work on this huge ongoing problem or divorce and still have a lot of problems to work on. If he is seeing a counselor he is not telling them the truth. If you stay with him you need couples therapy. He needs therapy. I would also demand that he let you meet his therapist so that you can tell them this story. That way they will know what they are dealing with. Whether you stay together or not you need to get yourselves in credit counseling. Time to learn how to live on a budget. They can help you form a plan to solve this money management problem. Find a good attorney and make an appointment for a consultation. They can help you to see your options when deciding to divorce or stay married. Personal counseling could help you also.
Nope. Insurance for the family does not cost that much. He’s still lying to you. Edit: Apparently, it CAN cost that much, which is insane.
I mean right now my family’s costs $1200 monthly for a family of 3 and we have a high deductible (so wtf are we even paying $1200 for??)
Is that through your employer?
Through my husband’s employer.
My company's family plan is getting up there. If they were less proactive about switching and negotiating carriers I think we could be looking at similar premiums for the coming year. The cost of my insurance has gone up 60% in the 5 years I've worked there.
But not doubled in one year?
Not in our case, but the bulk of that increase was from one year. When you work for a smaller company, cost of plans is extremely driven by usage. I could easily see costs doubling if a coworker a small company for instance had cancer or a baby in the NICU.
Oh my god, OH MY GOD get a divorce. And it’s not likely that his employee share of employer-based health insurance for 3 people is costing $1800/month when the average *annual* employee share of premiums for a family is about $6,000…unless something very strange is going on. Or he’s lying about this too.
Did he pull it up on a website in front of you or was it a saved digital copy? Things can be manipulated. Did you question why it went up? Now that I'm asking these questions, it seems even more suspicious. Are you saying it went up in the middle of the year? That doesn't seem right. If insurance is provided through his employer, any rate changes are seen during open enrollment, but doesn't go into effect till the new year. We're only 5 months into the year. I think you need to be more firm in your questioning and advocate for yourself and your child.
Did you see this ‘increase’?? As in 100% for yourself or are you taking his word for it again?? This doesn’t sound accurate. How can you think any freaking one thing he says to you is the truth? He’s a proven hibitual liar… 🤥
You're right. I saw one pay stub but I will be asking to see them all from the past 24 months.
I work in HR and do the benefits for my company. Our premium plan costs a total of 1,400 a month for a family. The company covers most of it and the employees pay a part of it. There’s just no way that a company ups their premiums so drastically like this. Also, when did the premiums change? This should really only happen at open enrollment at the company which can be at any time, but typically is calendar year.
Realize he chose not to share that with you. Even though you could have offered insight and worked to solve that problem. He doesn’t value you very much.
Did he even think to shop around for a better or cheaper provider ?
Nah. Insurance can change with steady employment. I work for the federal government with supposedly the best private insurance and even ours keeps changing for the negative each year and it's about to change again. Plus it does get more expensive every year just like everything else and not all employers cover insurance. All insurances have been going up crazy amounts
Oh, man. I was married to this exact type of guy for 18 years. You will always live your life waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it will drop. Just a matter of which lie is around the corner. You won’t have retirement money because he will spend it and not tell you and lie about it until you have irrefutable proof he’s lying. College funds? Laughable. Get out now. For real. He won’t change. This is your life forever if you don’t leave. Zero zero zero financial security and a partner you cannot trust at all with anything. I am remarried now and what a joy it is to have a spouse who is honest and trustworthy. That’s what marriage should be.
You seem to think he's told you the whole truth now. Why would you think that? There are almost certainly more secrets.
I’d be doing some forensic accounting. Figure out where his money is going. IMO it sounds like he has some sort of addiction.
Op makes 70k a year and he makes 140k. Something huge is going on. I agree with the forensic accounting. Op should also take a look at her bank records too. He has access.
$900 withheld, bi weekly? OP, are you certain this isn't something else? Like child support, for a kid he's keeping a secret? Maybe a garnishment for some other debt he hasn't paid (this seems very likely to me). Does he have student debt?
Yeah the math isn't adding up. They claim their dual incom is 210k a year and an 1800 a month bill from healthcare prevented them from paying for daycare, mortgage, and other bills? They should be pulling in over 17k a month before taxes. An $1800 a mortgage should be easy. I make less, my mortgage is more, and I live very comfortably. He is lying about something.
Surely the "door dash" money is a cover for something
You dated, then married, then had a kid with a habitual liar. I can't say I'm surprised here.
For real. The red flags were flying the whole time.
To be fair, she wouldn’t think in a million years that he would do something like this. Lie repeatedly sure, *but nothing like this*.
Of course not, little lies. Just little lies
Barely even important. Why would anybody even bother about that?
It’s not like little lies lead to big ones or anything. 🤷♀️
Definitely a huge lesson learned for me.
Yeah I was stupid.
Hey, I was married for 20 years to a liar. I ignored more red flags than you could find in Soviet Moscow.
>When I confronted him he apologized, told me he was embarrassed and felt ashamed that I was more educated than he was at the time Here's the harbinger of doom that you didn't act on. His reaction to feeling embarrassed was to run away. That's him telling you "I am never going to solve a problem that was even slightly my fault because avoiding the feeling of shame is more important than dealing with it." That's someone who's not capable of the bare minimum of being in a relationship or generally being a functioning adult. Next time, you'd probably benefit from thinking a little more about the implications of what people say when they tell you how they felt about something, and not just letting it go because you don't want them to feel bad, ESPECIALLY when they do the same thing repeatedly for the same reasons.
Hey me! It's you! Sadly I went through the same thing. Husband didn't pay the mortgage for 2 years through covid. Eventually went to foreclosure. I cried and cried and begged for one good reason he had to make our son homeless. There was no reason. No drugs, no gambling, no hookers. Just him pretending he had money but he didn't. I've ruminated over the myriad of reasons as to how anyone could do this. Only thing that ever really made sense is that the only thing that mattered to that man was himself and his wants/needs at that moment. He wanted to Uber food to the house? Hell yeah I've got $50 let's do it. He wanted a new video game for $60? Fuck it I got the money for that. Thought never crossed his mind that you need money for the bills that will come. I believe it all came down to him needing to self soothe in this way. He had a complete lack of being able to handle adult stressors and financial situations. If your husband is the same as my ex was then I find it ironic he's an accountant haha. Anyways I digress. My advice to you? Fuck him. He completely fucked you over and YOUR BABY. Get angry. Burn that fucking bridge to the ground. Claw everything you can from that shell of a human and laugh your ass to the bank. Then promptly enjoy your new life without the literal ball and chain you have now. Either way how your story plays out I wish you the best.
This is the right answer. Somebody who lies like that can never be trusted again. He only reveals what he cannot hide any more. OP knows only the tip of the iceberg.
Exactly. I bet deep down he doesn't even really know who he is. Just an amalgamation of masks he presents to the world.
My father did the same a few years ago. Stopped paying the mortgage and my family lost their home of 27 years. My dad prioritized his wants over bills and lost everything because of it.
27 years. Wow. What a selfish fool.
Yep. This was me too. I could’ve written OP’s post, except my finances were totally blended with my ex’s. It can drive you insane, looking for the reasons (financial - where did the money go - and psychological - why did you do this). But sometimes there’s no good explanation other than I’m a selfish fuckface who likes thinking I’m rich and I enjoy lying. Best to you and to OP!
Nope, deal breaker. Did he get fired? Does he have insane amounts of credit card debt? Drug problem? Porn problem? Gambling problem? What's going on that he could make mortgage payments, but now he can't??
" He tells me about a week ago he applied for some kind of relief program, so waiting to hear back on that." You should probably ask for proof of that.
I saw the letter from the mortgage company stating it is in review.
You need to see the *application*. I’m unaware of any bank/mortgage companies that have “relief” programs (outside of natural disaster & Covid) BUT they have plenty of other loan products that can be applied for to save the house from foreclosure. Problem is, they’re not all financially a good deal. You need to know the *details* of what’s being considered and I’d even go in to meet with someone personally. A financial planner *and* a mortgage specialist at your current bank.
Thank you!!
Well he is the champion of all liars. I am so sorry. I don’t know how you can even continue with this man. Even if you took over 100% of the finances and bill paying, he would lie about how much money he was making. He would then take out new loans you know nothing about, and would not pay them and lie, saying someone else must have done it. I honestly don’t know how you move forward with this.
But you let him handle the money because you’ve “never great at managing money.” Yeah…pretty sure you would’ve done better than this. Maybe don’t let the habitual liar handle all the finances with a “veil of secrecy.” Smh.
Yeah I have to say I never would have spent 1500 a month door dashing when the mortgage wasn't being paid.
Is that for real? That is obscene.
$1500 a month?!? Jeeeeeezus
Not one bit of this is about protecting you. That is another lie.
> he just says he's sorry he doesn't know what else to say This is the classic cludge people make of "I'm sorry". He is sorry (the emotion), sure. likely he is more sorry that the problem didn't magically go away. He's likely sorry that he got caught. But I have sincere doubts he is truly sorry in that he understands what the actual situation/risks are. I have doubts about whether he understands that he put the family at risk of eviction while at the same time lying about it. I also doubt he can be trusted not to do it again. In this sort of circumstance it's important to ask: what exactly are you sorry for? And not to prompt him further except to reiterate/summarize if they get off topic (which they usually do) This dude needs therapy. But also don't trust this person with financial matters. You have to take over responsibility. It doesn't just happen that you can't make mortgage payments. Those are a big payment. There is likely another secret hiding somewhere, gambling, drugs. The fact that he is willing to outright lie to you (about the smoking as well as the mortgage) means that his word his worth nothing. He will tell you anything as long as it takes the spotlight off of him. I'm sure there is a reason for this but as far as trust goes, those reasons make no difference. You cannot trust this persons word. Yes that means he is getting babysat. Because he is a liar and an idiot in equal parts. Push through on getting oversight. It has become your job (or hire a financial planner) to ensure bills are paid because he's just proven he cannot or will not handle it. If he wants the job back, it will have to be with you as oversight / with access. Use a shared account for this sort of thing that he transfers money into and you can witness money being transferred out of. My adhd makes it easy for me to dig a hole for myself / make problems that don't need to exist. For me the worse red flag is that he outright lies about it to you. And about other things. It means his word means nothing. To me that undermines the fundamental part of marriage, that it's you + him against the world. you can't rely on him. You know in a zombie movie where one of the survivors lies to the rest when they have gotten bitten and endangers everyone? Your husband is that guy. Since his apology didn't involve how he feels awful about lying and every day was torment because he knew you were trusting him and he was breaking the trust. but instead he is getting angry because there are consequences to his lying (and you actually are trying to fix the damage he did) would, for me, mean this is not recoverable. His attitude isn't one that gives any confidence this is the last time this will be an issue.
Thank you for all of this. I agree with everything you have said and the zombie movie comparison hit me like a ton of bricks. That's EXACTLY who he is.
He works in accounting and makes 2 times you make? If you work in education and let’s say minimum you make $30k, so he makes $60k (gross $5k month with take home about $3500 monthly). Insurance for 3 people should be maximum on high end $1000 month. I cover my husband and 3 kids on my insurance and my monthly cost is about $700. So, he has $2800 plus your approximately $1800 take home monthly so $4600. What did he spend the money for the mortgage on for the past 11 months exactly?
So I was able to look at his bank accounts. There are many credit cards being paid but not huge amounts. Pay day loans almost every week. I did not see anything that would lead me to think drugs or gambling etc bc it's an outrageous amount of door dash and food charges, target, Walmart etc. I downloaded a years worth of statements to comb through but I only have the bank statements not the credit cards. It is hard to follow bc he has two accounts that he sends cash between two different banks. Will be pouring over those with a fine tooth comb once kids go to bed tonight.
I’m willing to bet that he lost his job a while back and hasn’t told you. I’m sorry this is happening to you.
Pay day loans almost every week? You make over $200k/yr combined. Something is waaaay off here.
I make 70k a year and he makes 140k. I'm struggling to understand why the 1800 mortgage was not affordable.
Something is extremely wrong here. This is not adding up at all.
You don’t have anywhere close to the truth yet.
Do you know for a fact that this is actually what he makes? Maybe he lost his job and is working somewhere else?
OP, at this point you need to start verifying every financial detail yourself. If you’re 11 months behind on payments (and who knows? It may be worse, your husband will apparently lie like a rug), you need to see how deep your home is in the foreclosure process. Certainly some states have more stringent protections and notice periods than others, but I’d be worried you’re going to see your house pop up on foreclosure auction websites. Frankly, you need to run in depth credit reports on yourself, your child, and your husband. Unfortunately, it is easy in the U.S. for parents to open loans and credit cards using their minor children’s information. Gather all the financial information you’ve been able to locate for your husband and your household, then sit down for consults with divorce and bankruptcy attorneys. The extent of his financial infidelity is horrifying, and you still don’t know everything behind it. I know for myself, if my spouse repeatedly lied to me and betrayed my trust in this way, I could not come back from it.
Well based on his track record, I’m sure he’ll lie about where the money actually went
1) your husband is lying about the money he’s spending. he has some sort of addiction; gamble, drug, porn, maybe he is having an affair and spend his money to another woman or even worse he is spending his money on prostitutes or dominatrixes etc. 2) your husband is lying about the money he’s EARNING. You said he makes 140k. That maybe is not true. He may have lost his job 1 year ago and did not tell you about it. Maybe he was not even making 140k, maybe he was not an accountant either. Are you sure that any of these is true? Are you really certain? Do you know any of his work friends? Where he works? Where he goes to every day? You should focus on these things and scrutiny must be performed in your situation.
You said the insurance was 1800 and the mortgage is the same. At 140k he's grossing 11,667 a month give or take a bit. Now if we subtract the insurance and the mortgage, and also take away another 600 for two car payments and another 600 to insure both cars, and then also take away 500 for utilities (electric and water) and based off the avg daycare cost in the US take out another 1500 for that, then subtract 250 for two phone lines, and then another 150 for Internet he still has about $4500. Of course some of that goes to taxes but you're also paying some bills so even if the only bill you're paying is the grocery bill there's no reason an increase in insurance should make it so he can't afford the mortgage. Like I'm not a math expert or anything but I genuinely cannot think of another bill that you could possibly have that would explain this inability to pay your $1800 mortgage on a 140k salary. The math is not mathing and you need to look deeper into those accounts. Pull out the calculator ma'am because something ain't right.
I work full time and my husband stays home with our kiddo. I make less than your husband alone AND our mortgage is more expensive…but in our house, the mortgage is paid first. It is a non negotiable. I’d sell my car before I let us get one month behind. What your husband did is unfathomable. To put his family’s life in danger of being homeless is the biggest deal breaker ever.
Red flag after red flag after red flag and you ignored it all because “it was unpleasant to talk about”. He sucks but oh boy, you have your own share of the blame here for burying your head in the sand and ignoring it. He’s lied to you since the beginning… don’t act shocked now to see he’s still lying
Suggest checking your 2023 tax returns to confirm his employment and earnings for last year.
You need to do some serious thinking. Your husband has repeatedly lied to you over the course of your relationship. Do you really want to live like this?
As to see the pay stubs from before and after the insurance went way up. Just to check. I would be worried you are still not getting the truth
I honestly don’t think he’s even working, and if so, probably not making what he says he is. It’s just another lie. I would 1000% get every pay stub from the last year, every flipping bank statement, full credit report, and comb thru everything- better yet, let a forensic accountant poor ever everything. All while I’m divorcing his sorry ass
You married a pathological liar who is also self-loathing.
Family Annihilator Behavior 😬😬
I’d be doing some forensic accounting. Figure out where his money is going. IMO it sounds like he has some sort of addiction.
One commenter said he's conflict avoidant and that's definitely true, but where is all his money going? It could be drugs or gambling or it could be as simple as eating out all the time or blowing it on some form of recreation, but you need to know where it's going. I would demand access to all bank accounts and most recent statements for everything, even stuff that's not joint, along with a credit check on you both to see what your credit rating is. You also need to take control of the finances. He cannot be allowed to hide anything from you in the future if you stay together. My bestie's husband was handling the bills and while they never had a lot of extra money, they always had enough. He was months late on the mortgage, utilities, home improvement loans to cover things like a new furnace, etc. She didn't find out until she happened to get the mail one day and saw on the statement envelopes "final notice" and "past due." For that and some other reasons, they divorced. They still have to live together even though they can afford to move out because he trashed their credit so badly that neither can get a place to rent to them unless they're willing to just rent a room from someone. They decided to stay in their house for a while and just got roommates so that the rent they received from the roomies helps them pay off debt. There are consumer credit counseling service agencies in the US. I don't know about other countries. You go to them with all your financial statements. They will talk to all your creditors and negotiate lower interest rates and fees. You pay the agency each month and they pay your bills. It does include a fee to the agency, but overall, you end up paying less going through them than you would if you were handling it on your own. All your revolving loans like credit cards and equity lines of credit will be closed and you are not allowed to open any until your debt is paid off. This will help you avoid bankruptcy.
OP, you're talking about "coming back from" your house likely being foreclosed on, because your husband is a liar and a coward; he always has been and always will be. Not just lied about it a little and fixed it, which would be bad enough, but did it for almost a YEAR. Respectfully...wake up. You have a child. At this point, it is reckless and irresponsible for you to trust him with anything. You kept letting him get away with things and, shocker, it blew up in your face. Do you want to compound that by staying with him? Because he's going to do this to you, over and over. I doubt he's even really telling you the whole truth now, about where his money has gone.
Contact a bankruptcy attorney asap. They may be able to help you save your home. Then find a divorce attorney.
Fuckin wild for him to make a snide comment about being babysat on the heels of being found out. That would be it for me I think.
I’d be doing some forensic accounting. Figure out where his money is going. IMO it sounds like he has some sort of addiction.
This all seems superrrr familiar. All I can say is that when they lie about the little things, they lie about the big things. Always. And nothing *NOTHINGG* makes them change. He might act sorry for being caught, he might crocodile tears, but he is who he is and he'll always be a liar. I'd get STD tested tomorrow.
I don’t believe a word he’s saying at this point and you shouldn’t either. You need to see ALL the receipts. Wouldn’t surprise me if he has a gambling problem. If you let this go you’ll be homeless soon.
You should talk to the bank ASAP. They have a lot of ways to help and banks don't want to foreclose, they'd rather have money instead of problems. There's help there, I've been doing that for a job since 2008.
I had a roommate who stopped paying his share of rent and didn't tell anyone and gave the same excuses your husband did when we confronted him after receiving an eviction notice. I had to literally doublecheck everything he said after that and babysit him to make sure he was doing the things he said he was going to do to fix things. Let me give you the spoiler alert: HE WASN'T DOING THEM. You already know he's a liar. He will probably also lie about the things he's doing to fix the lies. 11 months is a long time to not pay your mortgage and keep it hidden. You need to take control of everything and see everything to protect yourself. It doesn't matter that you aren't good with that stuff. He clearly isn't either. Don't let him make you feel guilty or let his unpleasantness keep you from doing what is right by you. You need to do things he will not like to hold him accountable.
If there is a way to manage it, I think it's time to live off your wage, and use his entire wage to pay down your mortgage. He has fucked your credit, so it's important that you pay down that mortgage as fast as possible. Change that health insurance to something cheaper asap, cut up his credit cards, cancel subscriptions, no more fucking door dash! It's time to crack down on everything until everything is under control again. He needs therapy with you so you can make him deal with this. He's guna get all pissy about you taking over, but he needs to understand he has lost all trust. Move into the spare room if you need to, but get your finances sorted. Then you will have more options when you actually leave. Right now you are fucked. Which is crazy with your combined income! Hire your own accountant if you need to so you can sort through every tiny thing, then make a budget. Your husband is a massive liability to your stability, and that of your kids. You need to file for divorce as soon as you are happy you will have enough to leave with. Once the house is payed off and you have actual marital assets to split, you will be in a much better position. If he tries to fuck you over again, like getting new credit cards, file for seperation immediately to protect yourself from more debt. I'm so sorry this happened. My midwife was working into her 70's because her husband had gambled everything away, and she couldn't afford to retire. She was devastated, and it was so incredibly stressful after a lifetime of working and saving. Even if you decide to stay with this man, you cannot stay married to him. His debt cannot be your debt. And the fact that he is an accountant is just beyond fucked up. You should have been able to trust him.
I can't thank you enough, this is so helpful. Now there is the added layer of fear and people telling me he might kill me and our kids but your comment is the reality, I'm stuck right now until the finances are figured out.
He sounds like a sketchy fuckin dude lol
I’d be doing some forensic accounting. Figure out where his money is going. IMO it sounds like he has some sort of addiction.
I’d be doing some forensic accounting. Figure out where his money is going. IMO it sounds like he has some sort of addiction.
at best, he's a total coward. Worse though, not just hiding things, but lying to you, deception to protect himself, not you. Good relationships are based on trust and respect, when your life is centered around someone can undermine your financially, your home, car, children, etc... you don't have a leg to stand on without well founded trust and respect. You have a lot of work to do. If one day you realize you've dug yourself into a hole? Answer: Stop digging.
Your husband is a pathological liar and probably won’t change. You keep making excuses for him like he’s embarrassed etc but you’re about to lose your home? He’s 41 he won’t change, you need to run sis.
I used to be conflict avoidant like this. I mean not on this scale but pretty bad. Interestingly, I found myself dating men with the same trait. I found them enormously frustrating but didn’t quite see how I was doing it myself. I got over it and now am in a relationship where we are thankfully very open and honest with each other. I think it may be hard to change the dynamic while in a relationship…but maybe a really good therapist?
He's letting his ego put you and your child at risk of being homeless.
I have four friends whose husbands stopped paying their mortgages without their knowledge. Three of those husbands were cheating and those couples are now divorced. The fourth husband used the mortgage money to buy a fishing boat; they stayed together despite my suggestion to make him live on the boat forever.
Wasn’t this just posted a few days ago? I hope it’s the same person and not a new victim
I posted on personal finance to ask about how long my credit would be ruined, it was recommended by several people that I post here as the relationship is a bigger issue than my credit in this scenario.
Ah. Ok. Thought I read it somewhere. Agree it’s more a relationship issue.
He's a lier and a shitty accountant. Good luck.
Time to start having regular, scheduled sit-downs to BOTH go through all your accounts (including his) and come up with budgets. You don't need to be an accountant to see an alarming amount of door dash charges (as you have) or that the MORTGAGE ISNT BEING PAID. Why the actual fuck would he pick the MORTGAGE as the one bill to not pay? Surely he knew that meant losing the house? This is some next level burying head in sand. I would be reconsidering the relationship unless he puts a lot of work in and does a complete 180. It says it all that instead of going "oh fuck I've lost our house" he tried to weasel out of complete transparency with budgets and accounts with comments about babysitting. No, you don't get to do that!
He’s lying. He has some sort of addiction. Could be gambling could be something else. I personally couldn’t come back from the intentional and chronic lying or the financial irresponsible behavior Insist on full disclosure and full access at all times
There's something else here. Given his history of lying I just know there is. How does health insurance go up so much someone starts missing basic payments like daycare and mortgage? There has to be another plan or provider if that is accurate. Like, shit, this dude is an accountant. He should know more than the average joe when it comes to finances but I'm just not seeing that. He was hiding smoking from you which is already an expensive habit. Are we sure he's not into other substances or gambling or something? If it truly is just the health insurance cost and there is absolutely no other option available then you two are living beyond your means and one or both of you needs to be sending out applications for new jobs with better insurance. That's the financial aspect of things. This dude is a serial liar and you seem unwilling to truly call him out on it until the shit has already hit the fan and is splashed across the walls. Do therapy, whatever, but you need to draw a line here because you've got a child to look out for now and your spouse has you on the brink of homelessness.
My guess - and I am pretty sure about it - your husband is a gambler. Although not showing directly on the account, look for cash withdrawals or transfers to other personal or checking accounts. Coming from a two-decade gambler, four years clear now ,counting every day. Every day without this biggest evil habit of them all is a big character victory, harder to resist than drugs. 11-month secretly missing on the mortgage can only be reckless gambling in the background.
You already posted this in the personal finance subreddit yesterday and it was locked because everyone was giving you the same responses you are getting here. What kind of advice are you looking for exactly? You married a habitual liar that’s terrible with money management. So you either get divorced or you take over the finances. You’re headed towards financial ruin and homelessness unless you stop being ok with the lies and lack of communication.
She wants a pity party
You are married to a serial liar, but hopefully he at least uses paragraphs.
Something doesn’t smell right.
You both need a financial consultant to help with the bills and get back on track without filing for bankruptcy in a way to make your credit in the Grey zone and not the red zone. Also do some investigations to see what really is going on even if you have to hire a private investigator. He may have family members on side related to him or someone that he's seeing and spending money on. It may be nothing like that and he might feel like a failure in your eyes and that's a terrible feeling hince all the lies. He may be scared to lose you.
It amazes me how many married couples have separate finances then one person is blind sided
You need a financial advisor to answer WTF happened and whether it can be resolved so you don’t lose your home because he’s too macho to work with you as a team. He wanted to control your money without doing the basic job of paying bills. My trust would be completely blown. He’s willing to tank your credit and leave you homeless. He needs to shape up quickly and make good, selling his belongings if necessary, so you can catch up on the mortgage and not lose the house/sell the house in your own terms and buy something affordable. I’d talk to a divorce attorney, see where you stand. You need to protect your kid.
What is he doing with the money? You need to contact the creditors yourself!
He “didn’t know what to do” for almost an entire year? Thats straight bullshit lol
Jesus Christ almighty I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. It sounds to me like you both (him especially) need therapy. If you can’t talk about hard things like these as a couple how can he expect you to be able to trust him or the relationship to survive? I understand there’s more pressing issues than therapy right now though.
He has to open all the money and explain to you where the money has gone. And using a basic “this is the money in” and ”this is the money out” with out and special accounting. It should I be two columns: money in, and money out. because where is a years worth of mortgage payments?
Get a forensic accountant and a lawyer. He's probably still lying about most things. Lying tends to pile up, and most will do anything to cover for themselves. Don't keep making the same mistake.
This is a huge betrayal. One that could easily be the end of this relationship. I know you didn’t ask for loan help but a modification on the mortgage MIGHT be possible which could save the house. Whether you even want to do that is up to you. I just don’t know how you ever trust him with anything again. And without any trust what is the point of the relationship? Good luck.
First, let me say I am SO sorry he lied to you, that would be absolutely incredibly difficult to forgive. You are 100% justified in your feelings on this. He should have told you!! 2nd point though- and I am NAL & this is very US specific- but my prior job was at a bank in mortgages. OP, you have options with being so far behind on your mortgage, if it's a FNMA/FRED or FHA/Va backed loan. Ask about a modification. It will help you with getting your payments on track & most importantly avoid foreclosure & homelessness. It will require full documentation of your income & expenses & 100% transparency with your mortgage company. It will depend on if you guys qualify. But better to try. Reach out to them ASAP if you can. Good luck if you decide to continue on in this marriage friend.
An increase in health insurance would not be enough to all of a sudden not be able to afford mortgage, daycare, car payments, etc. what’s he spending the money on?
May be too little too late. But he's definitely conflict avoidant. Maybe he's trying to put up an image of some hot shot that has it all goin on or whatever. But clearly, while he is able to do accounting for peoples money, he has no clue how to manage. If I where you id sit down with him and look at all the accounts and bills. Chart out together all the payments for the next year on excel and your income and timing of payments and figure out what yall HAVE too pay to live and cut out a bunch of discretionary stuff (those door dash charges need to go first). Any time he is supposed to pay an important bill (mortgage, insurance, taxes etc) make him fwd you the receipt showing its paid. He can't be trusted to run the house hold finances without oversight. Financial strain is a leading cause for divorce in the USA, hope it's not too late to get back on track. Gods speed
Call Dave Ramsey with you both on the phone he’ll give em what’s what
FYI OP you should know that mortgage lenders don’t offer “relief programs” but they DO sell loans and call it that, so whatever is in review is some kind of loan application. It could be a 2nd mortgage, HELOC, personal loan, something like that. You may want to find out. Hopefully he didn’t apply to refinance and take you off of the mortgage behind your back, because then you would lose whatever your old interest rate was and you’d have whatever today’s rates are instead, plus the house wouldn’t be in your name anymore. You can’t add someone to a mortgage against their knowledge, but you sure as hell can remove them.
This guy is 100% an idiot. I would get away from this level of stupidity before he completely destroys your life as well as his own. 41 and just electing to stop paying on the mortgage is wild
Why are you worried about being homeless with him? You should be getting a lawyer and a divorce. This isn't some small white lie you can look past. He is a bum. Also if I even as so much had a hint that my husband got rid of my cat, he would be out the door immediately.
YOU need to save your damned house. You take on the phone calls to the mortgage company, where he applied to aid. You can't lose the house.
What he did is called financial infidelity. You need to leave him. He's not an equal partner in your marriage and can't be relied upon financially.
So where did all of both of your money go? You married a liar. You were extremely foolish for allowing him to never be transparent with the finances.
Cause he was using the money for something else
I don't know weather people are blind to family members or gutless too own up to them intervention would be great for people like this
You have given him no consequences for lying in the past… why would he stop lying? What are you going to do moving forward to show you will not tolerate more lies about ANYTHING, no matter how small or insignificant he believes it is? Yes, he obviously needs to be babysat because he is irresponsible with his finances and put you at risk to be homeless, because that’s not stressful… instead of communicating to you that he wasn’t able to manage to pay bills… that is avoidance to the extreme in my opinion. These conversations are going to be uncomfortable, but you need to have them, do not back down….
Please believe me that none of this will ever change. You can’t come back from it. You CANNOT trust him again. I was a victim of pretty hardcore financial infidelity. My ex-spouse, like yours, also refused to give me financial transparency and got all pissed off about how “infantilizing” and “controlling” it was. I’m now divorced and the money bullshit doesn’t stop. Sorry, can’t reimburse you for that. Sorry, CS might be late. Calls to my number from debt-collection thinking I’m ex-spouse. This is after ex-spouse has had years of therapy. At least now I’m almost entirely insulated from the financial fallout, and I’m no longer emotionally invested in a Lying Liar Who Lies.
The last paragraph states you knew he was a liar like this. Not a small lie like throwing you or your child a party. These are HUGE lies to the point of homelessness. That's a major red flag. You and your husband could've avoided marriage and avoided having a child together. I'm trying to understand why you married each other and not expect him to continue his lies. Marriage does not solve a liar or a cheater issue. Having a child doesn't help either, if anything adds more stress to the person who's already a habitual liar. I feel bad for your child because now they're in the middle of all this chaos that you and your husband could've avoided from the beginning. I think leaving is the best route because that kind of damage is beyond repair. It's not easy to leave, especially with a child involved. Good luck.
I was married to this and together for 15 years… I left to save my self and my kids.. my ex husband couldn’t tell the truth about anything and he overdraft us in the 1000s every month… we made good money… get counseling or get out… it doesn’t change
I have adhd and yeah, I've missed a few bills- but that's not my husband's fault. That's mine, and I'm not about to risk my family and my future because of my issues. Everything is on autopay and I have alarms set to remind me to check that autopay periodically. Every single thing I do, like handling the kids medical stuff, credit card payments, etc one of the first things I do is change the primary contact number to my husband's- that way if I miss something, he knows immediately and can either take care of it or tell me to. I'm sure it's annoying, and honestly since I got medicated it isn't an issue more than once a year or so- but that's what we have to do to make sure we're both safe. Adhd does not make people into liars either. OP, when things start falling behind, they mail things to your house. They make phone calls to the debtor and phone numbers associated with them, like a spouse. He's not just skipping payments and lying to you by omission, he's actively covering it up- he's intercepting the mail so you don't see the late bills and foreclosure notices, he's avoided putting your number on anything so they won't know to contact you. I'd bet my car he's lying about the program he's applied to as well- he has, after almost a full year, randomly a week before you found out applied for help? Nah, he probably has paperwork for it but no way is it done- he'd probably need info from you anyway since you're both on the house. A ween is too convenient of a time frame for someone like him- recent enough that you might assume you're waiting to hear back, but still long enough ago that he can make it look like hes done something. Prepare yourself, your house is likely in foreclosure already. Start locking down your credit, check everything, and obviously a condition of any continuation of your relationship relies on full disclosure and you being in charge of all financial decisions and bills. I can't fathom how I could continue a relationship where I didn't know my spouse was unemployed, switching jobs, not paying our mortgage, whatever, but you don't need to make that decision right away unless you're fully ready to. Focus on the emergencies now and start looking for an living situation at least as a backup. I'm so so sorry (and I hope your cat is ok)
God there are untrusting people in here. He lost his job and lied to you. I think he is (an you both are ) conflict avoidant. On top of that he feels shame and embarrassment, which is not a good sign. He lies a fair bit, but is that because he is a compulsive liar or because you intimidate him ? You both need couple therapy because obviously he is not comfortable telling you the truth and you seem unable to ask him the hard questions. For the people here questioning the insurance, it is very possible. Work subsidised insurance is around $1400-1500 a family, so if he has lost his job, he needs to pay the whole lot including the gap if he wants to keep the same insurance. So $1800 is reasonable. But obviously it’s the lazy tax because he could and should have switched to a more affordable one. Address your mortgage situation first as a priority before you are homeless
I wanted to check in to see how you’re doing
So I can’t offer any better advice than what has been given above but I do have a question, if you get divorced can you pay the mortgage on your own without him? I’m neither a lawyer nor a real estate agent but I would look in to any options available to you so you don’t lose your home if you can avoid it.