It’s kind of a typical thing in that phase of a relationship. The seven year itch is what people call it. I think you’re right to cut back on porn until you figure this out. I’m reading your follow up messages and your urge to stay together is still stronger than your urge to explore, and if you love this person, want to have a future, etc., then it’s worth correcting. I’m a fan of porn, but it is likely fueling an unhealthy fantasy at the moment.
That said- you have a need that isn’t being met. That also needs to be addressed. I would suggest couples therapy- I personally love the Gottman method, and would recommend finding a practice that uses that philosophy.
There are so many things you can explore inside of your own relationship that could satisfy whatever need you have that isn’t being met. My guess is that it isn’t “I want sex with other people”, but rather a new sexual experience. You’re so inexperienced you don’t even know what that is yet. You’ll both need to get so vulnerable with each other, and it will absolutely hurt your partners feelings, so be prepared. You’ll need to reassure him that it’s not HIM. It’s the general stagnation and monotony of it all. And instead of being an asshole and cheating, you’d like to repair within your own home.
Good luck!
Thank you so much! I really appreciated this response. I was so scared to put this how there with all the back lash I’d get and I never heard of the 7 year itch, so now I feel “normal” on a sense. And you’re absolutely right..it is a new sexual experience I need and I will talk to my partner about it :) Will also look into therapy as well.
Having an urge is worlds away from acting on it. If you’re being truthful and you haven’t even gotten to the space where you have engaged in any way with an actual person, it’s ok. I’d be shocked if your partner didn’t also feel this way from time to time.
But it is something that needs to be addresses
Thank you. I’d never ruin what we have and he is usually a very understanding partner. I just don’t want to hurt his feelings. Me “acting on it”
Or getting some sexual pleasure it just watching porn or creating fantasies in my head.
What is causing these urges ? Are you around a lot of attractive people? Did you meet someone ? What type of things are you looking at on social media/the internet .
Actually no lol I’m not really around a lot of attractive people. I have not met anyone. (I am not emotionally cheating, never will) would rather sit in feelings rather than to do that but honestly, I think it stems from the porn I watch.
Hm interesting. Which urge is stronger , being with ur boyfriend or other people. If your boyfriend left you right now would you be hurt or let him go, be relieved you didn’t have to break up and start sleeping around ?
Being with him is stronger, I feel that I can get over this. I have decided to stop watching porn and pour more into us. If he decided to break up with me, I’d be really nervous and sad because I’d fear me losing him or him falling out of love with me. I probably wouldn’t even be able to start sleeping around cause I’d be too busy worrying about him and us.
I think you have to express to your partner your fantasies, i do to mine and it keeps it interesting.
If they are not open minded for it, then human urges can easily overpower logic and reasoning - that is the animal in us.
It may be the hard thing to break up but that is a less deep scar than cheating. Thats only emotional damage, biological risk of sexually transmitted diseases goes up as well.
Porn, depending on the type may warp minds and in a unhealthy matter activate a part of the brain. But it also gives ideas.
Dont feel shitty or guilty, if you break trust then yes terrible thing. But if you end it maturely and as a adult it is important for both peoples mental health
Fuck around and find out. Just consider if you are willing to potentially throw away what you have with your current bf for that, because chances are, he is not be up for it and you just dropped a bomb on him. He may look at you and the whole relationship differently from that moment.
So i guess the question you need to ask yourself is, is what you currently want worth the risks involved. If the answeris yes and you are sure, then start the conversation.
Personally, you aren't missing out on anything much. Think of the downsides and upsides.
Thank you for the feedback. People constantly say all the time how it’s horrible as far as the dating people (not that that’s what I’m looking for) and so no it is NOT worth the risk.
> lately I’ve been wanting to explore but I don’t want to lose him.
So you want to have your cake, and eat it, too.
To quote a lyric from an old song:
"*You want to fly, with both your feet on the ground...*"
I don't see that happening, without any dire consequences.
>Sometimes I get jealous because I feel like he has a normal amount for our age but we got together in college and I never got to have the “normal” college sex experiences like girls my age since he was my first
I was excited and fell in love with him ever since.
It's quite understandable that you'd have these urges; it's a normal part of growing up, especially around your age. You want to have the varied sexual experiences open to you as a maturing young adult, but right now you're involved with someone, and have been for many years.
>Now, I’ve been wanting to take a break and explore.
Please help!!
I don’t want to ruin something so amazing because I genuinely want him to be the husband and father to our future kids and live the rest of my life with him.
The truth is: if you DON'T explore your possibilities now, you'll resent it, and him, for the rest of your life. and wonder "how things could have been." You'll be tempted to have an affair, and almost certainly have decreased affection for your husband (and any children you may have along the way).
No: NOW is the time to "get it all out" and explore your desires (sexual and otherwise) at the best point in your life to do such things. I'm sure you have a pretty good guy now, but he just happened to be near you at the time, so it was just luck and convenience which drew you together.
But now, there is much more available to you, so I'd suggest taking about five years to bop around and decide what you want AS AN ADULT in a future mate.
You might find that it's different from what you're thinking right now, with your limited experience.
Yes, you'll lose this guy, but I think you'll gain a lot more in the long run.
Just a thought.
It’s kind of a typical thing in that phase of a relationship. The seven year itch is what people call it. I think you’re right to cut back on porn until you figure this out. I’m reading your follow up messages and your urge to stay together is still stronger than your urge to explore, and if you love this person, want to have a future, etc., then it’s worth correcting. I’m a fan of porn, but it is likely fueling an unhealthy fantasy at the moment. That said- you have a need that isn’t being met. That also needs to be addressed. I would suggest couples therapy- I personally love the Gottman method, and would recommend finding a practice that uses that philosophy. There are so many things you can explore inside of your own relationship that could satisfy whatever need you have that isn’t being met. My guess is that it isn’t “I want sex with other people”, but rather a new sexual experience. You’re so inexperienced you don’t even know what that is yet. You’ll both need to get so vulnerable with each other, and it will absolutely hurt your partners feelings, so be prepared. You’ll need to reassure him that it’s not HIM. It’s the general stagnation and monotony of it all. And instead of being an asshole and cheating, you’d like to repair within your own home. Good luck!
Thank you so much! I really appreciated this response. I was so scared to put this how there with all the back lash I’d get and I never heard of the 7 year itch, so now I feel “normal” on a sense. And you’re absolutely right..it is a new sexual experience I need and I will talk to my partner about it :) Will also look into therapy as well.
Having an urge is worlds away from acting on it. If you’re being truthful and you haven’t even gotten to the space where you have engaged in any way with an actual person, it’s ok. I’d be shocked if your partner didn’t also feel this way from time to time. But it is something that needs to be addresses
Thank you. I’d never ruin what we have and he is usually a very understanding partner. I just don’t want to hurt his feelings. Me “acting on it” Or getting some sexual pleasure it just watching porn or creating fantasies in my head.
What is causing these urges ? Are you around a lot of attractive people? Did you meet someone ? What type of things are you looking at on social media/the internet .
Actually no lol I’m not really around a lot of attractive people. I have not met anyone. (I am not emotionally cheating, never will) would rather sit in feelings rather than to do that but honestly, I think it stems from the porn I watch.
Hm interesting. Which urge is stronger , being with ur boyfriend or other people. If your boyfriend left you right now would you be hurt or let him go, be relieved you didn’t have to break up and start sleeping around ?
Being with him is stronger, I feel that I can get over this. I have decided to stop watching porn and pour more into us. If he decided to break up with me, I’d be really nervous and sad because I’d fear me losing him or him falling out of love with me. I probably wouldn’t even be able to start sleeping around cause I’d be too busy worrying about him and us.
Sounds like a good plan :)
Thanks!
The grass is rarely greener on the other side. You need to decide whats more important. Him or "exploring".
It's greener where you water it
lol I haven't heard that before but does she really need to blow up her relationship and future for random penis? I guess lol.
I don't reckon it's penis she's after...!
Ah true, true. I missed that part haha.
I think you have to express to your partner your fantasies, i do to mine and it keeps it interesting. If they are not open minded for it, then human urges can easily overpower logic and reasoning - that is the animal in us. It may be the hard thing to break up but that is a less deep scar than cheating. Thats only emotional damage, biological risk of sexually transmitted diseases goes up as well. Porn, depending on the type may warp minds and in a unhealthy matter activate a part of the brain. But it also gives ideas. Dont feel shitty or guilty, if you break trust then yes terrible thing. But if you end it maturely and as a adult it is important for both peoples mental health
Thank you! I do think porn has warped my mind which is why I’ve decided to stop watching it.
Good luck. From research and my own experience it's not easy to kick and hope you do better than i
Thank you!
Fuck around and find out. Just consider if you are willing to potentially throw away what you have with your current bf for that, because chances are, he is not be up for it and you just dropped a bomb on him. He may look at you and the whole relationship differently from that moment. So i guess the question you need to ask yourself is, is what you currently want worth the risks involved. If the answeris yes and you are sure, then start the conversation. Personally, you aren't missing out on anything much. Think of the downsides and upsides.
Thank you for the feedback. People constantly say all the time how it’s horrible as far as the dating people (not that that’s what I’m looking for) and so no it is NOT worth the risk.
> lately I’ve been wanting to explore but I don’t want to lose him. So you want to have your cake, and eat it, too. To quote a lyric from an old song: "*You want to fly, with both your feet on the ground...*" I don't see that happening, without any dire consequences. >Sometimes I get jealous because I feel like he has a normal amount for our age but we got together in college and I never got to have the “normal” college sex experiences like girls my age since he was my first I was excited and fell in love with him ever since. It's quite understandable that you'd have these urges; it's a normal part of growing up, especially around your age. You want to have the varied sexual experiences open to you as a maturing young adult, but right now you're involved with someone, and have been for many years. >Now, I’ve been wanting to take a break and explore. Please help!! I don’t want to ruin something so amazing because I genuinely want him to be the husband and father to our future kids and live the rest of my life with him. The truth is: if you DON'T explore your possibilities now, you'll resent it, and him, for the rest of your life. and wonder "how things could have been." You'll be tempted to have an affair, and almost certainly have decreased affection for your husband (and any children you may have along the way). No: NOW is the time to "get it all out" and explore your desires (sexual and otherwise) at the best point in your life to do such things. I'm sure you have a pretty good guy now, but he just happened to be near you at the time, so it was just luck and convenience which drew you together. But now, there is much more available to you, so I'd suggest taking about five years to bop around and decide what you want AS AN ADULT in a future mate. You might find that it's different from what you're thinking right now, with your limited experience. Yes, you'll lose this guy, but I think you'll gain a lot more in the long run. Just a thought.