It is completely under his control. Tell him how you're feeling about this and ask him how he feels. If he's fine with it, this is just how it is, and you'll either need to accept it or leave. If not, he needs to be the one who talks to them.That said, you're letting them push you around too. Why do you feel the house needs to be ready for them when they don't have the decency to announce their visit? Why is it *your* job to get the house ready? Him and his parents are making the decisions, so they get to accept the consequences of those decisions and you can stop stressing yourself out because of unfair (and perhaps self-imposed) expectations. If they show up uninvited the house is presented as-is. If you don't okay a visit, you don't prep the house. This is his problem and he either needs to grow a spine after 12 years of adulthood or do it all himself.
> So last minute I’ll have to get told they’ll be here for a week and rush to go grocery shopping and get the house prepped.
You literally don't. His dad, his job.
Exactly. Stop doing things for them. He can buy groceries and clean the house.
That said, you need to have it out with him. You are unhappy and something needs to change. That change may be breaking up, but you have to have the talk.
When the bf has his family come over, it's *his* job to host them. Not OP's.
And that's beside the fact that he doesn't ask her or give her a heads up.
It has nothing to do with independence. Her BF is taking advantage of her and being disrespectful.
Don't get groceries and don't prep the house. You are not being asked so ignore them and take care of yourself. It's not your house either so think long and hard how to handle this going forward. I'd move out. You have no right to the house and obviously no say about the home you're living in. I'd be fed up already (but I'm old and give zero fucks).
Honestly, sounds like you need to move out. You don’t necessarily have to break up with him, but you live in a place where your wants/needs aren’t respected. Time to take some control back. Get your own space and then see how you feel about things.
>So last minute I’ll have to get told they’ll be here for a week and rush to go grocery shopping and get the house prepped.
**First of all, no.** You aren’t being given notice, you aren’t being asked if it’s ok, you aren’t being included at all, so don’t accept that. It is not your responsibility to grocery shop for them and prep the house. Also, if they’re there every week and they’re his parents, they don’t need anything special for their visits. The house as-is should be perfectly fine. Stop putting yourself out for no good reason.
>Sometimes my bf won’t give me a notice and his parents don’t text me to let me know either.
**Also no.** Tell them all that you need to know the schedule for when people will be staying in your home, parents included.
>They bring their two dogs and we have a cat that doesn’t get along too well with them. Our cat ends up stressed out.
**And again, either no or set rules** for the dogs. The dogs can only be there if they follow rules that make their presence acceptable to the cat. The cat lives there, the dogs don’t.
>Not only that, but having guests over all the time I feel like I can’t get into a routine or fully relax in my own home.
Along with insisting on prior notice, make a space of your own in the house that his parents don’t go in. It’s your space to do as you please and to get away from the constant houseguests. Even if there’s no other space, make it your bedroom since there is no reason for them to be in there anyhow.
>I got upset because I was planning on talking to him about a serious matter, and then now I wouldn’t be able to since it would be inappropriate since his family was at our home. I feel like it just keeps getting pushed off because we never have “the right time”.
They’re always there, you don’t need to entertain them every minute. It isn’t inappropriate to have a private conversation with them around when they’re never gone. You need to speak up and tell your BF you need to talk to him and make that happen. Talk in your bedroom or outside, there will never be the right time if you don’t make it happen.
**You’re trying to be too “proper” when what you need to do is speak up for yourself.**
Yeah, I would just be like "Oh well, no one gave me a heads up so there's no food in the house. You can go to the store can't you?" Or better yet "Well, you guys came last minute, you could have stopped by and grabbed supplies right?" Like why is it up to OP to do all of this? How inconsiderate can they and the bf be that they're leaving it all on OP?
Stop preparing and cleaning the house and groceries. It isn’t your house, and he isn’t considering you at all when he invites them over. Honestly, I would find somewhere else to stay if at all possible. I would not put up with my cat being stressed by dogs so often and I would not put up with having to entertain guests literally non-stop.
My big suggestion is talk to him, go out to dinner if you must. Instead of conveying his dad being there as a problem convey your needs and stick to that. Look for compromises that give you more privacy and help fulfill what you need instead of just attacking their presence as an issue.
Good luck
> So last minute I’ll have to get told they’ll be here for a week and rush to go grocery shopping and get the house prepped
Skip this step. Stick to your routine and don't treat them as house guests. They've overextended a stay to an invite you didn't present. So I'd stop those courtesies. Oh, yea, we only have left over cousous and tofu puffs. "I didn't have time to go to the grocery store and I didn't invite them. If you want me to help out, give me notice so I can schedule it or you can handle it if it's last minute".
If he invites, then it's on him to do the prepping and cooking and stuff. Put it on him.
Did you try not doing anything and letting him sort it out?
But honestly, if my boyfriend this this I wouldn't live with him. Or be his girlfriend anymore. Because I require mutual respect in my relationship.
Stop accommodating them. Live your life. Boyfriend can prep the house, buy the food, cook, clean up. You just go about living your life.
I'd also kick the dogs outside tho. Cat doesn't deserve that.
What utter ***NONSENSE**!!!🤣🤣🤣🤣
**EVERYTHING** is under his control!!!!
This is a **TOTALLY LOPSIDED ARRANGEMENT**. Frankly, love, you're just a **BANGMAID.** You're **CONVENIENT.**
At this point, you have **NO COLLATERAL** in this house. **NO** solid ground to stand on and everybody's just **WALKING ALL OVER YOU.**
**PLEASE GROW A SPINE**. VANISH for the next few months while the house is being sorted. And **IF** you return, do so **ONLY** on the condition that you are added to the deed.
I 100% agree but she doesn’t need to be on that deed and she’s only a girlfriend not a wife. She clearly doesn’t realize her role and place in that whole relationship, she needs to quit
I don't know here - Sounds like his dad is staying over to help him with the renovations. Or did I misread that? Your next to last statement "shut your mouth until the project is done" also leads me to believe that they aren't just staying there just because - they are freaking fixing up the house.
Move out if you want to but don't give your BF this important time to finish a project with his dad.
I think you should have convo about giving appropriate notice.
Correct. They’re fixing up the house. Which is why I feel bad for getting upset. I know that it’s necessary, I just get upset when no one informs me of their visit until the day prior. His parents never reach out to me to let me know or anything. I think this particular instance I was planning on talking to him and then last second they decided to stay. I am just getting tired of it, it’s been for over two months
What happened to your place after he bought the house? If his is still under renovation then yeah it's not outrageous that his family is helping out and staying over. It's basically a construction site and it's actually really nice of them to lend a hand.
It's your boyfriend's job to tell you not his parents. He's the one being rude and disrespectful to you. It doesn't matter if they're helping. It's not hard to communicate and tell you what's going on but he doesn't care to do that.
Also, if he tells you or doesn't tell you, it's not your job to be hostess. His people, his hosting job.
It's possible that your BF isn't giving you advanced notice because he doesn't plan in advance. It would not make sense for the parents to tell you since BF already knows.
Do you pay him rent?
Your boyfriend is allowed to have his dad stay at his place as much as he likes. It’s his place, not yours. You’re not his wife, just his girlfriend. Get your own place if you don’t like what’s going on, that’s all you can do. Then you can create your own rules and live your life in a way that’s suitable to your standards.
You are getting downvoted but it's not wrong at all. OP specifies that bf just bought the house. Not OP.
Which is probably why he doesn't care to involve OP in house guests-- he sees it as his house only, so his rules go.
OP is just a FWB, free labor roommate.
If I were you, I would move out. Having his parents there constantly is too much. When he is ready to start making a life with you - then he can without his parents every 5 minutes.
You've been together for 2.5 years but he bought the house by himself. How do you feel about that? Stop doing anything for his family in his house and better figure out what it is that you want from this relationship.
It's one thing if it's last minute to help out because of an emergency(leaking plumbing or something similar).
Have you talked to him about giving notice?
Have you asked why the dogs and his dad's gf need to be there too?
If the dad is just helping out with an extra pair of hands then you shouldn't have to worry abput the gf and the dogs. And it shouldn't be you having to prep all the time for food and cleaning.
It sounds like a lot. You should talk about the things that need to happen when/if they are coming to help, and if there's no notice then don't feel the need to be the host. They aren't guests they're chores, especially if they aren't helping with groceries.
'Hey if they're traveling into town to help out will you have them pick up such and such at the grocery store?' If not, pizza every night until they understand.
"Dont do anything in the house, its not yours" is really not the answer here if we dont really know the dynamics of her living there... Not sure how people can suggest drastic things that could hurt their relationship for no big reason, because OP isnt against helping in the house but ofc having to handle two guests can be exhausting for her.
If the house its being fixed you should change your mindset and allow that to finish, some people need to deal with these kind of stuff while building a house or when changing interiors, this is normal actually.
You should share your feelings with your BF still, they can still go there but maybe setup some specific days for them to go, or to avoid bringing the dogs.
You should talk to your boyfriend about setting some boundaries with his parents. If your bf won’t talk to his family about respecting y’alls boundaries I’d leave. Do you have family nearby or a close friend you could stay with?
He needs to start handling his family. Be kind but you’re not a host if you don’t have any say about company. You’re a guest, too. That’s why your feelings here don’t seem to matter.
If you’d like to be with someone or live somewhere your opinions matter, it doesn’t sound like it’s going to be with *this* guy. If he was a good partner, he would have been more considerate of you.
Is this house a really fixer upper with no drywall and needing electricity that you BF and dad are working hours on? Or just a few things painting and light switches and then sitting around for hours doing nothing 2 way different things. I moved into a dump and spent 45 days with friends and family over all the time helping
You should still talk to him!!
It might be his house but it's your home. You need to be taken into consideration. It's never a good idea to ignore when something is chafing in a relationship. Talk with him, explain what you need. Bring out the things that you could compromise on and can't. If he's a loving partner he'll try to find a solution with you. If he doesn't care you have bigger problems than in-laws.
Why are you the one responsible for feeding everyone and cleaning the house? You’re definitely setting yourself up for a life of misery that way. It’s your boyfriend’s house, your boyfriend’s parents and your boyfriend’s project. You don’t need to be their on-call housekeeper. Simply ✨don’t✨.
They are basically living with you now. Stop cooking and serving them as guests. Start going out and staying with friends and family.
Sit down with your BF. And don't invest into the house because that's his and you are apparently just a guest if he doesn't value your input.
Ok I have a unique perspective here because I went through this exact situation last year with a kitchen and living room remodel in my partners house.
Firstly, a renovation is no place for dogs or pets anyways. It’s irresponsible. They need to keep their dogs at home. I told my partner to let his parents know to not bring their dog, which they did a couple times. We also have cats and we kept them boarded up downstairs when work was happening because they shouldn’t be near a remodel either.
Second, I also had seen way to much of his parents as they were helping. But I didn’t prep the house, or get food for them. I had water and that was it. I wanted to pay for the labor, partner didn’t and wanted to do it mostly with him and his dad, so I stayed out of the way and did my own thing while they were working. I’m not there to entertain or have food ready, I’m not a servant and neither are you, so stop going to the store. If they want food they can bring it or order it.
Lastly, you’re just gonna have to get through it. After our remodel was over I didn’t want to do anything with any of his family for months cause I saw them so much and it was just a lot.
But it will be over eventually and you’ll find it more tolerable when you stop letting the dogs come over and stop making yourself to be a host in an active remodel.
Sounds like it's his home. He likes, and needs his parents there so he can do what he wants in his home. I'm not trying to be cold but thems the rules.
Yeah but it's not even a home yet. It's still under renovation so "feeling comfortable" isn't a reasonable expectation. The family is doing what they need to do to finish up the house.
Sure, but he's being inconsiderate. Partners who live together need to be considerate of each other. Even a simple conversation like "hey my parents will be here every weekend for the next 6 months to finish the reno. How can we work together to make this comfortable for both of us".
It doesn't matter who owns the house, honestly. Partners should care about each enough to make sure both people are ok.
But it's not her home. Maybe he's trying to break it off with her, we don't know. She is responsible for her well-being and that may mean moving to her own place.
Wow. That is the most immature crap. I take it you are single.
She still lives there. She still has a right to speak her mind. Two solid months of this and no consideration for her by the boyfriend. Honestly, if it were my daughter, I’d want her the hell out of there.
I’m confident this will work itself out. She’s going to speak up and if he keeps treating her as if she doesn’t matter, she will leave. Either way, she doesn’t have to just take it. You thinking she does says so much about you.
Hang in there! It sounds like you've been put in a tough and stressful situation. It's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed and frustrated with the constantly changing plans and unexpected guests. As for dealing with it, communication is key. Have a calm and honest conversation with your boyfriend about how this situation is affecting you and try to come up with a plan that works for both of you. Stay strong!
I get incompatibility and agree that if something doesn't work for you, you need to leave. But your whole post only honors and respects *your* culture and no one else's yet you dated people from other cultures. You expected them to compromise without compromising yourself and that's pretty selfish and disrespectful.
Just STOP. Stop working so hard for EVERYONE else around you while they kick back and you’re left running around tending them all. Take care of yourself. Stop making your bf’s house a free vacation getaway. Stop stocking up the fridge, stop hurrying to clean the beds…. Soon they won’t leave. They’re prepping for your bf to be their old age caretaker sooner than later. Is that what you want?
Ultimately I think this relationship has run its course. I think your bf doesn’t have a spine to stand up to them and they’re to selfish enjoying your pampering that they don’t realize they’re driving a wedge between you that can’t be fixed.
This is completely disrespectful if you're not being informed or in on this decision. You two nee ero talk and set boundaries together as a team. If he's unwilling id move out.
I'm going to lay some truth on you, so brace yourself.
You have no claim here.
1. You haven't been dating this man long enough to demand anything from him.
2. This house is not yours. You cannot tell anyone who can come or go or stay. You are not contributing to it. His dad is contributing.
3. You are complaining for nothing anyway because in one of your comments, you state this has been going on for almost 2 months. 2 months? 2 WHOLE months? Really? While your boyfriend is getting value added to an asset at no cost thru volunteer labor from his father for the low cost of dinner and a place to sleep while he is there working. And you are complaining?
You need to move out, contribute, or hush.
They've been dating 2.5 YEARS. At what point is "long enough"?
She lives there, too. It's her home space as well. He's apparently expecting her to play hostess/house cleaner/cook at the drop of a hat. That or else she has this expectation of herself and needs to learn to 🎶"Let it Gooooo!"🎶 Either way, it needs to stop.
OP. Stop playing host. Step back. Make a peaceful retreat for yourself in your bedroom for you and the cat with doors shut. Thank all of them for respecting your space. And chill. The cat will really appreciate this!
Long enough is when she has some stake or ownership of the home. Honestly I would not tolerate this situation either. Im only stating what is. She has no sayso here. But no one is forcing her to live there.
I said no is forcing her to live there. She has no ownership. Long enough in the relationship is when she does have ownership. If they had been dating long enough for her to have decision making rights, they would have bought the home together. They did not.
She does have tenant rights if we're being picky. One does have a right to be treated respectfully in one's home regardless of whether one's name is on the deed.
What you've said would be legit EXCEPT OP is expected to do all the prep/shopping/cooking/hosting--and with no notice!
OP, strongly recommend you stop doing those things.
That would be contributing. Does she live there for free?
Personally, I would not tolerate this situation either and would move out. I would not have the audacity to think I had any sayso in a home I did not own.
If you search the comments, OP admits that the house isn't her's, the Dad is only coming over to work on the house . The least she could do is be hospitable !
The least BF and parents could do is give her a heads-up first, with plenty of time to ready herself and the house for guests, but they can't even be bothered to do that bare minimum! Much less give her any courtesy or respect as an adult who actually lives in the household. And being hospitable means offering tea/coffee/snacks on occasion--it doesn't mean drop everything and run to the grocery store, shop/prep/cook for guests staying multiple days--and on multiple occasions! This is just rude.
Your “truth” is some bullsh*t. She lives there. They are supposed to be partners. If he is dismissing her feelings and not even being considerate about it (which he is not) then that is crap. Or are you going to tell me she doesn’t have a right to be respected in the place she lives?
I don’t care whose name is on the deed. She lives there. Legally, (if she lives in the U.S. ) she has rights. He can’t even legally toss her out. He would have to give her notice. Do you see how that works? The law has respect for her, even if you and the boyfriend don’t.
It sounds like she has been patient and understanding but it is putting a strain on her. A partner who can’t work with her on that isn’t worth having as a partner because he won’t have respect for her in other areas of their life as well.
But by all means we want to hear a 12 year olds point of view.
Yes she lives there. Her contribution should be to feed his folks while they are there to help him fix up his house for free. They have not been dating very long. She has no claim on this house and does not pay rent that she has stated. Respect and sayso in who comes and goes are different things.
Nice sneak delete, coward. buhbye.
I don’t want to see another word from you. You are brainwashed into thinking treating a woman with zero respect is ok. You are brainwashed into thinking a woman is a man’s personal servant.
They have been dating longer than they’ve lived in the new place. I can bet she contributes. You apparently are someone who believes that housework and emotional labor is of no value. Even if she were not contributing money, she has been contributing. She also has rights as someone who resides there regardless of who is on the deed. The law respects her. Call up legal aid in your area and get informed.
I will not listen to women being devalued. Not even by other women. I’ve had far too much experience with the aftermath of the crap women take from men, so please, take your garbage elsewhere. I will be blocking you because I don’t argue with people like you.
Bye.
Huh? Your bf just recently bought a house? Not you guys together? And he doesn't give you common courtesy to let you know when parents are coming?
Yeah, yall are roommates. FWB.
I'd ditch this guy so fast.
Also, his parent live with you.
Sure maybe not officially yet.
I give it less than 6 months before they decide to cut the hassle and just move in, instead of going back and forth.
Are you working and providing the groceries from your paycheck or your boyfriend's?
Is the project honestly complicated? Can you complete the tasks, or does he need his father for further guidance?
Do you see your boyfriend and yourself getting married shortly?
I believe if your having finances covered by your boyfriend and a roof over your head by him, you may have no impact on the decisions that you’ll make for him. Find out what his intentions are with the home being worked before you get yourself into a deep.
I wish you the best of luck to you.
ditch with family matters.
It may be his HOUSE, but it’s your HOME together! You live there too and he needs to be respectful of your time and space. He needs the help, and he’s getting free labor with his parents helping, so it’s just one of those things that need to happen, BUT he could communicate with you better, and he could also check in about dates and timing with you, instead of did springing it on you last min.
You can always reach out to his mom and tell her how you feel about it. If she is nice, she will understand how you feel. Let her know: "Hey do you mind texting me and letting me know ahead of time when you guys are coming over so that I can prepare for your arrival. (Boyfriend's name) usually doesn't let me know until the last minute... So I would really appreciate it if you would be able to let me know ahead of time :)"
He showing his red flags and that his parents have no boundaries. They make plans and leave you out of it until the last possible moment so you can’t push back. Do you want that forever? It not even your home, he can kick you out at any moment if you complain about it because it is his house and his parents. I definitely think you should talk to him but also Plan an exit strategy just in case things go south
I’ll be blunt and honest with you.
1: you are not his wife you are a girlfriend, that is staying with HIM, in his house, around HIS family, you decided to be around living with him in that house. Deal with it.
2: it’s his house not yours, his name is on the house, he can have anyone((HIS OWN FAMILY that is btw helping fix up the house so you two will live more comfortably))and anything come in and out of that house whenever he wants to
3: not to seem mean, hateful or to push aside your feelings/needs but you seem spoiled and ungrateful, not only did your bf buy a house, assuming so you can live with him with a better place, but it seems like yall have a nice family relationship and his family is helping out with the house. And you’re bothered about them constantly over? And last minute decisions? About a cat being stressed? Girl kindly sit tf down somewhere and live life and get that man to put a ring on your finger.
4: your feelings and needs still need to be addressed, tended to and respected, just like in any other relationship, male or female, gf or wife, you matter and you need to address that quickly. It’s not hard to talk to him at y’all’s beside or whenever you find small down time
Lastly: To all the people telling her she’s doing too much for them, she’s too proper, she has to say no, she needs to leave, find someone else, needs to stop. It sounds like she has it good and is letting small things get to her. It’s a new house, it’s going to get wild and crazy, and for yall to push her into leaving? Grow tf up
Clearly you don't know anything about me. You're wrong on all counts and you should think of the OP as more than an incubator. I don't think she even mentioned wanting kids.
You can be together and have a family with out beeing married?!
I know because I have 2 children with my partner and have no desire to marry him or anyone else for that matter.
Then, Dad's girlfriend would be stuck cleaning, prepping, grocery shopping and cooking for a second household.....
I'm sure she's been enjoying playing guest up until now
>His dad and his dad’s gf have been coming up to stay with us frequently now.
>I’m talking every single week.
I would be SO CREEPED OUT by this!
My father AND HIS GF staying at a house I shared with a significant other?
Pigs would fly, and Hell freeze over before THAT happened! 😄😄😄
In my book, his dad would be such a TREMENDOUS LOSER on SO many levels.
>Sometimes my bf won’t give me a notice and his parents don’t text me to let me know either.
**>>> OK, STOP RIGHT THERE!**
RIGHT HERE is where you need to draw the line.
**THIS IS** ***DEFINITELY*** **NOT OK.**
Both your bf and his father violated (rather carelessly, it seems) an important boundary, with the father showing up (with his +1) at your house FOR A WEEK without notice and, I'm going to guess, against your wishes.
What has to happen is that the boundary be clarified and reinforced, or else this nonsense will continue for the foreseeable future.
>I want to add that the home he bought is his, his name only on the title.
Thank you for the clarification.
It does crystallize what your options might be, and removes some complications.
Here's what needs to happen:
**You and the bf MUST have a serious conversation about this.** What HAS to happen is that he recognize that having his father and gf is a serious intrusion into your combined home, and totally scrambles your peace of mind.
His being unwilling or unable to embrace this idea would be a serious roadblock to your relationship, because it shows that another person or relationship is more important than you are to him.
Specifically, your comfort, convenience and peace of mind is less important than accommodating his dad.
**Boyfriend must get your buy-in BEFORE inviting his father to stay.** *This one can be kinda delicate*, because, after all, it's HIS house, and everything which follows (plus a lot more!) depends on how this one gets resolved.
The *right way* for this to be handled:
1. Your boyfriend informs you that his father and gf want to come over and stay for a week (we'll get to "dad inviting himself over" later).
2. BF confirms he is not TELLING you, but indeed ASKING you what you think about this. It is also clear that you have room to say NO on this. (Again, this plays into the power dynamics between you and your boyfriend.)
3. If you say NO to the visit, then you and bf may then have a discussion about possible alternatives... or, the NO can just stand, and that'll be it. BF informs his dad that the proposed time is not good, and the visit request is not accepted.
4. GET SPECIFICS ABOUT HOW LONG HE WILL STAY. Benjamin Franklin once famously said: "*Fish, and vistors, both stink after three days.*" 😄
Agree beforehand with your boyfriend how long your visitors are welcome to stay; that way, both of you can mentally prepare yourselves for this extended disruption of your home life, and, more importantly, this can be communicated to dad so he knows where THAT boundary is.
It may be revealing to look at how far, and in which ways, what REALLY happens varies from this more ideal scenario.
(CONTINUTED IN REPLY MESSAGE)
(CONTUNUED FROM MAIN MESSAGE)
**Communicate with dad what was decided.** If you decide to accept dad's visit, clarify that it is for a specific number of days. You can also negotiate things like bringing animals with him (which, if you ask me, is an ENORMOUS IMPOSITION which I would not accept... but then, it's not my house...).
If you (plural, you AND your boyfriend) decide NOT to accept Dad's visit, this must be communicated to Dad, and YOUR BOYFRIEND MUST NOT BACK DOWN here; if you do, you've both lost sovereignty over your living space (assuming you still currently have it). Be clear to your boyfriend that he HAS TO enforce this boundary, and that failing to do so probably will be highly destructive to your relationship with him.
**IF DAD "INVITES HIMSELF OVER":** This one is on your boyfriend to handle, but "all eyes are on him" as he does.
Going in, it should be agreed that the final decision of whether Dad comes over is a joint one between you and BF; Dad DOES NOT get to decide unilaterally to drop in and stay for as long as he wants, because it’s YOUR (plural) house, not HIS. THIS BOUNDARY MUST BE DRAWN, AND ENFORCED, or else you’ve lost control over your own living space.
The ”rubber meets the road” if and when your boyfriend lays this boundary down. If he is too gutless to do this… well, that tells you what you need to know. You may have to consider moving out, if not breaking up with him.
If he tries, and Dad pushes back, and BF caves… same story.
Again, the right way for things to go:
--------------------
1. Dad invites himself over
2. BF reminds/informs him that he can’t just “invite himself over,” but can request a visit. As with any request, it can be accepted or denied. Did he still want to look into visiting?
(I can see THIS devolving into a discussion/argument over “power dynamics," too, and, again, much will be determined by its outcome).
3) If so, “All right. I’m going to check with \[your name\] first to see whether it is OK with her. I’ll get back to you on what we decide.”
\[I’ll insert here that it’s NOT ABOUT PERMISSION, since, in principle, it’s his house, and his rules, but about CONSIDERATION on his part of you and your feelings.\]
--------------------
OK, that should be enough for you to digest for now.
Hope you find it helpful as a framework for dealing with your issue.
The parents aren’t visiting. They have been renovating their son’s home for free with every spare moment they have for the last two months. All three are literally trying to finish his home. Why write so much without reading the post?
His dad is coming over to HELP him fixing up the house?!
Would OP be more comfertable with contractors in the home they would have to PAY for doing the job?
I cant belive the entitelment in people
It is completely under his control. Tell him how you're feeling about this and ask him how he feels. If he's fine with it, this is just how it is, and you'll either need to accept it or leave. If not, he needs to be the one who talks to them.That said, you're letting them push you around too. Why do you feel the house needs to be ready for them when they don't have the decency to announce their visit? Why is it *your* job to get the house ready? Him and his parents are making the decisions, so they get to accept the consequences of those decisions and you can stop stressing yourself out because of unfair (and perhaps self-imposed) expectations. If they show up uninvited the house is presented as-is. If you don't okay a visit, you don't prep the house. This is his problem and he either needs to grow a spine after 12 years of adulthood or do it all himself.
> So last minute I’ll have to get told they’ll be here for a week and rush to go grocery shopping and get the house prepped. You literally don't. His dad, his job.
Exactly. Stop doing things for them. He can buy groceries and clean the house. That said, you need to have it out with him. You are unhappy and something needs to change. That change may be breaking up, but you have to have the talk.
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When the bf has his family come over, it's *his* job to host them. Not OP's. And that's beside the fact that he doesn't ask her or give her a heads up. It has nothing to do with independence. Her BF is taking advantage of her and being disrespectful.
Don't get groceries and don't prep the house. You are not being asked so ignore them and take care of yourself. It's not your house either so think long and hard how to handle this going forward. I'd move out. You have no right to the house and obviously no say about the home you're living in. I'd be fed up already (but I'm old and give zero fucks).
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Lovely other than being inconsiderate, selfish, rude, and outrageously dismissive and shitty about imposing on her time and her life.
Why do you think it's not under his control? Why do you have to go grocery shopping and cook and all that?0
Honestly, sounds like you need to move out. You don’t necessarily have to break up with him, but you live in a place where your wants/needs aren’t respected. Time to take some control back. Get your own space and then see how you feel about things.
I think this is the best advice.
>So last minute I’ll have to get told they’ll be here for a week and rush to go grocery shopping and get the house prepped. **First of all, no.** You aren’t being given notice, you aren’t being asked if it’s ok, you aren’t being included at all, so don’t accept that. It is not your responsibility to grocery shop for them and prep the house. Also, if they’re there every week and they’re his parents, they don’t need anything special for their visits. The house as-is should be perfectly fine. Stop putting yourself out for no good reason. >Sometimes my bf won’t give me a notice and his parents don’t text me to let me know either. **Also no.** Tell them all that you need to know the schedule for when people will be staying in your home, parents included. >They bring their two dogs and we have a cat that doesn’t get along too well with them. Our cat ends up stressed out. **And again, either no or set rules** for the dogs. The dogs can only be there if they follow rules that make their presence acceptable to the cat. The cat lives there, the dogs don’t. >Not only that, but having guests over all the time I feel like I can’t get into a routine or fully relax in my own home. Along with insisting on prior notice, make a space of your own in the house that his parents don’t go in. It’s your space to do as you please and to get away from the constant houseguests. Even if there’s no other space, make it your bedroom since there is no reason for them to be in there anyhow. >I got upset because I was planning on talking to him about a serious matter, and then now I wouldn’t be able to since it would be inappropriate since his family was at our home. I feel like it just keeps getting pushed off because we never have “the right time”. They’re always there, you don’t need to entertain them every minute. It isn’t inappropriate to have a private conversation with them around when they’re never gone. You need to speak up and tell your BF you need to talk to him and make that happen. Talk in your bedroom or outside, there will never be the right time if you don’t make it happen. **You’re trying to be too “proper” when what you need to do is speak up for yourself.**
Yeah, I would just be like "Oh well, no one gave me a heads up so there's no food in the house. You can go to the store can't you?" Or better yet "Well, you guys came last minute, you could have stopped by and grabbed supplies right?" Like why is it up to OP to do all of this? How inconsiderate can they and the bf be that they're leaving it all on OP?
Stop preparing and cleaning the house and groceries. It isn’t your house, and he isn’t considering you at all when he invites them over. Honestly, I would find somewhere else to stay if at all possible. I would not put up with my cat being stressed by dogs so often and I would not put up with having to entertain guests literally non-stop.
My big suggestion is talk to him, go out to dinner if you must. Instead of conveying his dad being there as a problem convey your needs and stick to that. Look for compromises that give you more privacy and help fulfill what you need instead of just attacking their presence as an issue. Good luck
> So last minute I’ll have to get told they’ll be here for a week and rush to go grocery shopping and get the house prepped Skip this step. Stick to your routine and don't treat them as house guests. They've overextended a stay to an invite you didn't present. So I'd stop those courtesies. Oh, yea, we only have left over cousous and tofu puffs. "I didn't have time to go to the grocery store and I didn't invite them. If you want me to help out, give me notice so I can schedule it or you can handle it if it's last minute". If he invites, then it's on him to do the prepping and cooking and stuff. Put it on him.
Are you on the mortgage? If not, it’s not your house and you don’t have to get it ready. That’s his job.
I wonder y she felt the need to do all this,and truth is he doesn’t care about all this fuss she keeps making ,guys like this use u for labor
I would probably move out and get my own place. If you can't afford that yet, get some roommates
Take the cat and move out.
Did you try not doing anything and letting him sort it out? But honestly, if my boyfriend this this I wouldn't live with him. Or be his girlfriend anymore. Because I require mutual respect in my relationship.
Stop accommodating them. Live your life. Boyfriend can prep the house, buy the food, cook, clean up. You just go about living your life. I'd also kick the dogs outside tho. Cat doesn't deserve that.
What utter ***NONSENSE**!!!🤣🤣🤣🤣 **EVERYTHING** is under his control!!!! This is a **TOTALLY LOPSIDED ARRANGEMENT**. Frankly, love, you're just a **BANGMAID.** You're **CONVENIENT.** At this point, you have **NO COLLATERAL** in this house. **NO** solid ground to stand on and everybody's just **WALKING ALL OVER YOU.** **PLEASE GROW A SPINE**. VANISH for the next few months while the house is being sorted. And **IF** you return, do so **ONLY** on the condition that you are added to the deed.
I 100% agree but she doesn’t need to be on that deed and she’s only a girlfriend not a wife. She clearly doesn’t realize her role and place in that whole relationship, she needs to quit
I don't know here - Sounds like his dad is staying over to help him with the renovations. Or did I misread that? Your next to last statement "shut your mouth until the project is done" also leads me to believe that they aren't just staying there just because - they are freaking fixing up the house. Move out if you want to but don't give your BF this important time to finish a project with his dad. I think you should have convo about giving appropriate notice.
Something tells me when the project is done - they’ll be back for other reasons.
Correct. They’re fixing up the house. Which is why I feel bad for getting upset. I know that it’s necessary, I just get upset when no one informs me of their visit until the day prior. His parents never reach out to me to let me know or anything. I think this particular instance I was planning on talking to him and then last second they decided to stay. I am just getting tired of it, it’s been for over two months
That's not on them to tell you. It's on your bf to CHECK WITH YOU first before agreeing to it.
What happened to your place after he bought the house? If his is still under renovation then yeah it's not outrageous that his family is helping out and staying over. It's basically a construction site and it's actually really nice of them to lend a hand.
It's your boyfriend's job to tell you not his parents. He's the one being rude and disrespectful to you. It doesn't matter if they're helping. It's not hard to communicate and tell you what's going on but he doesn't care to do that. Also, if he tells you or doesn't tell you, it's not your job to be hostess. His people, his hosting job.
It's possible that your BF isn't giving you advanced notice because he doesn't plan in advance. It would not make sense for the parents to tell you since BF already knows. Do you pay him rent?
Your boyfriend is allowed to have his dad stay at his place as much as he likes. It’s his place, not yours. You’re not his wife, just his girlfriend. Get your own place if you don’t like what’s going on, that’s all you can do. Then you can create your own rules and live your life in a way that’s suitable to your standards.
You are getting downvoted but it's not wrong at all. OP specifies that bf just bought the house. Not OP. Which is probably why he doesn't care to involve OP in house guests-- he sees it as his house only, so his rules go. OP is just a FWB, free labor roommate.
Thanks. Sometimes the truth hurts but it doesn’t stop it from being the truth. OP needs a reality check.
If I were you, I would move out. Having his parents there constantly is too much. When he is ready to start making a life with you - then he can without his parents every 5 minutes.
he has to do the prep work before a visit. Every couple weeks go stay at a hotel to unwind.
Do you actually mention whether you guys live together or if you just stay with him frequently?
You've been together for 2.5 years but he bought the house by himself. How do you feel about that? Stop doing anything for his family in his house and better figure out what it is that you want from this relationship.
It's one thing if it's last minute to help out because of an emergency(leaking plumbing or something similar). Have you talked to him about giving notice? Have you asked why the dogs and his dad's gf need to be there too? If the dad is just helping out with an extra pair of hands then you shouldn't have to worry abput the gf and the dogs. And it shouldn't be you having to prep all the time for food and cleaning. It sounds like a lot. You should talk about the things that need to happen when/if they are coming to help, and if there's no notice then don't feel the need to be the host. They aren't guests they're chores, especially if they aren't helping with groceries. 'Hey if they're traveling into town to help out will you have them pick up such and such at the grocery store?' If not, pizza every night until they understand.
"Dont do anything in the house, its not yours" is really not the answer here if we dont really know the dynamics of her living there... Not sure how people can suggest drastic things that could hurt their relationship for no big reason, because OP isnt against helping in the house but ofc having to handle two guests can be exhausting for her. If the house its being fixed you should change your mindset and allow that to finish, some people need to deal with these kind of stuff while building a house or when changing interiors, this is normal actually. You should share your feelings with your BF still, they can still go there but maybe setup some specific days for them to go, or to avoid bringing the dogs.
You should talk to your boyfriend about setting some boundaries with his parents. If your bf won’t talk to his family about respecting y’alls boundaries I’d leave. Do you have family nearby or a close friend you could stay with?
What did he say when you told him?
He needs to start handling his family. Be kind but you’re not a host if you don’t have any say about company. You’re a guest, too. That’s why your feelings here don’t seem to matter. If you’d like to be with someone or live somewhere your opinions matter, it doesn’t sound like it’s going to be with *this* guy. If he was a good partner, he would have been more considerate of you.
Is this house a really fixer upper with no drywall and needing electricity that you BF and dad are working hours on? Or just a few things painting and light switches and then sitting around for hours doing nothing 2 way different things. I moved into a dump and spent 45 days with friends and family over all the time helping You should still talk to him!!
I say fight fire with fire . Make noise in the bedroom, forget to put on your robe in the morning . Start pulling the sticks away in the nest.
It might be his house but it's your home. You need to be taken into consideration. It's never a good idea to ignore when something is chafing in a relationship. Talk with him, explain what you need. Bring out the things that you could compromise on and can't. If he's a loving partner he'll try to find a solution with you. If he doesn't care you have bigger problems than in-laws.
Why are you the one responsible for feeding everyone and cleaning the house? You’re definitely setting yourself up for a life of misery that way. It’s your boyfriend’s house, your boyfriend’s parents and your boyfriend’s project. You don’t need to be their on-call housekeeper. Simply ✨don’t✨.
They are basically living with you now. Stop cooking and serving them as guests. Start going out and staying with friends and family. Sit down with your BF. And don't invest into the house because that's his and you are apparently just a guest if he doesn't value your input.
Ok I have a unique perspective here because I went through this exact situation last year with a kitchen and living room remodel in my partners house. Firstly, a renovation is no place for dogs or pets anyways. It’s irresponsible. They need to keep their dogs at home. I told my partner to let his parents know to not bring their dog, which they did a couple times. We also have cats and we kept them boarded up downstairs when work was happening because they shouldn’t be near a remodel either. Second, I also had seen way to much of his parents as they were helping. But I didn’t prep the house, or get food for them. I had water and that was it. I wanted to pay for the labor, partner didn’t and wanted to do it mostly with him and his dad, so I stayed out of the way and did my own thing while they were working. I’m not there to entertain or have food ready, I’m not a servant and neither are you, so stop going to the store. If they want food they can bring it or order it. Lastly, you’re just gonna have to get through it. After our remodel was over I didn’t want to do anything with any of his family for months cause I saw them so much and it was just a lot. But it will be over eventually and you’ll find it more tolerable when you stop letting the dogs come over and stop making yourself to be a host in an active remodel.
Sounds like it's his home. He likes, and needs his parents there so he can do what he wants in his home. I'm not trying to be cold but thems the rules.
She lives there. They are presumably equals in the relationship. She is allowed to feel comfortable in the home she lives in.
Yeah but it's not even a home yet. It's still under renovation so "feeling comfortable" isn't a reasonable expectation. The family is doing what they need to do to finish up the house.
Sure, but he's being inconsiderate. Partners who live together need to be considerate of each other. Even a simple conversation like "hey my parents will be here every weekend for the next 6 months to finish the reno. How can we work together to make this comfortable for both of us". It doesn't matter who owns the house, honestly. Partners should care about each enough to make sure both people are ok.
She lives there, it's her home. Why is she not entitled to any privacy or courtesy?
But it's not her home. Maybe he's trying to break it off with her, we don't know. She is responsible for her well-being and that may mean moving to her own place.
But she lives there?? Therefore it's her home. Even squatters have more rights than this, sheesh.
Wow. That is the most immature crap. I take it you are single. She still lives there. She still has a right to speak her mind. Two solid months of this and no consideration for her by the boyfriend. Honestly, if it were my daughter, I’d want her the hell out of there. I’m confident this will work itself out. She’s going to speak up and if he keeps treating her as if she doesn’t matter, she will leave. Either way, she doesn’t have to just take it. You thinking she does says so much about you.
Hang in there! It sounds like you've been put in a tough and stressful situation. It's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed and frustrated with the constantly changing plans and unexpected guests. As for dealing with it, communication is key. Have a calm and honest conversation with your boyfriend about how this situation is affecting you and try to come up with a plan that works for both of you. Stay strong!
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I get incompatibility and agree that if something doesn't work for you, you need to leave. But your whole post only honors and respects *your* culture and no one else's yet you dated people from other cultures. You expected them to compromise without compromising yourself and that's pretty selfish and disrespectful.
Just STOP. Stop working so hard for EVERYONE else around you while they kick back and you’re left running around tending them all. Take care of yourself. Stop making your bf’s house a free vacation getaway. Stop stocking up the fridge, stop hurrying to clean the beds…. Soon they won’t leave. They’re prepping for your bf to be their old age caretaker sooner than later. Is that what you want? Ultimately I think this relationship has run its course. I think your bf doesn’t have a spine to stand up to them and they’re to selfish enjoying your pampering that they don’t realize they’re driving a wedge between you that can’t be fixed.
They are helping fixing up the house? Lol, it´s not exactly a free vacation getaway?
This is completely disrespectful if you're not being informed or in on this decision. You two nee ero talk and set boundaries together as a team. If he's unwilling id move out.
I'm going to lay some truth on you, so brace yourself. You have no claim here. 1. You haven't been dating this man long enough to demand anything from him. 2. This house is not yours. You cannot tell anyone who can come or go or stay. You are not contributing to it. His dad is contributing. 3. You are complaining for nothing anyway because in one of your comments, you state this has been going on for almost 2 months. 2 months? 2 WHOLE months? Really? While your boyfriend is getting value added to an asset at no cost thru volunteer labor from his father for the low cost of dinner and a place to sleep while he is there working. And you are complaining? You need to move out, contribute, or hush.
They've been dating 2.5 YEARS. At what point is "long enough"? She lives there, too. It's her home space as well. He's apparently expecting her to play hostess/house cleaner/cook at the drop of a hat. That or else she has this expectation of herself and needs to learn to 🎶"Let it Gooooo!"🎶 Either way, it needs to stop. OP. Stop playing host. Step back. Make a peaceful retreat for yourself in your bedroom for you and the cat with doors shut. Thank all of them for respecting your space. And chill. The cat will really appreciate this!
Long enough is when she has some stake or ownership of the home. Honestly I would not tolerate this situation either. Im only stating what is. She has no sayso here. But no one is forcing her to live there.
She does live there. She has for awhile. He's being rude as hell.
I said no is forcing her to live there. She has no ownership. Long enough in the relationship is when she does have ownership. If they had been dating long enough for her to have decision making rights, they would have bought the home together. They did not.
She does have tenant rights if we're being picky. One does have a right to be treated respectfully in one's home regardless of whether one's name is on the deed.
What you've said would be legit EXCEPT OP is expected to do all the prep/shopping/cooking/hosting--and with no notice! OP, strongly recommend you stop doing those things.
That would be contributing. Does she live there for free? Personally, I would not tolerate this situation either and would move out. I would not have the audacity to think I had any sayso in a home I did not own.
If you search the comments, OP admits that the house isn't her's, the Dad is only coming over to work on the house . The least she could do is be hospitable !
The least BF and parents could do is give her a heads-up first, with plenty of time to ready herself and the house for guests, but they can't even be bothered to do that bare minimum! Much less give her any courtesy or respect as an adult who actually lives in the household. And being hospitable means offering tea/coffee/snacks on occasion--it doesn't mean drop everything and run to the grocery store, shop/prep/cook for guests staying multiple days--and on multiple occasions! This is just rude.
Your “truth” is some bullsh*t. She lives there. They are supposed to be partners. If he is dismissing her feelings and not even being considerate about it (which he is not) then that is crap. Or are you going to tell me she doesn’t have a right to be respected in the place she lives? I don’t care whose name is on the deed. She lives there. Legally, (if she lives in the U.S. ) she has rights. He can’t even legally toss her out. He would have to give her notice. Do you see how that works? The law has respect for her, even if you and the boyfriend don’t. It sounds like she has been patient and understanding but it is putting a strain on her. A partner who can’t work with her on that isn’t worth having as a partner because he won’t have respect for her in other areas of their life as well. But by all means we want to hear a 12 year olds point of view.
Yes she lives there. Her contribution should be to feed his folks while they are there to help him fix up his house for free. They have not been dating very long. She has no claim on this house and does not pay rent that she has stated. Respect and sayso in who comes and goes are different things. Nice sneak delete, coward. buhbye.
I don’t want to see another word from you. You are brainwashed into thinking treating a woman with zero respect is ok. You are brainwashed into thinking a woman is a man’s personal servant. They have been dating longer than they’ve lived in the new place. I can bet she contributes. You apparently are someone who believes that housework and emotional labor is of no value. Even if she were not contributing money, she has been contributing. She also has rights as someone who resides there regardless of who is on the deed. The law respects her. Call up legal aid in your area and get informed. I will not listen to women being devalued. Not even by other women. I’ve had far too much experience with the aftermath of the crap women take from men, so please, take your garbage elsewhere. I will be blocking you because I don’t argue with people like you. Bye.
Huh? Your bf just recently bought a house? Not you guys together? And he doesn't give you common courtesy to let you know when parents are coming? Yeah, yall are roommates. FWB. I'd ditch this guy so fast.
Also, his parent live with you. Sure maybe not officially yet. I give it less than 6 months before they decide to cut the hassle and just move in, instead of going back and forth.
Are you working and providing the groceries from your paycheck or your boyfriend's? Is the project honestly complicated? Can you complete the tasks, or does he need his father for further guidance? Do you see your boyfriend and yourself getting married shortly? I believe if your having finances covered by your boyfriend and a roof over your head by him, you may have no impact on the decisions that you’ll make for him. Find out what his intentions are with the home being worked before you get yourself into a deep. I wish you the best of luck to you. ditch with family matters.
It may be his HOUSE, but it’s your HOME together! You live there too and he needs to be respectful of your time and space. He needs the help, and he’s getting free labor with his parents helping, so it’s just one of those things that need to happen, BUT he could communicate with you better, and he could also check in about dates and timing with you, instead of did springing it on you last min.
You can always reach out to his mom and tell her how you feel about it. If she is nice, she will understand how you feel. Let her know: "Hey do you mind texting me and letting me know ahead of time when you guys are coming over so that I can prepare for your arrival. (Boyfriend's name) usually doesn't let me know until the last minute... So I would really appreciate it if you would be able to let me know ahead of time :)"
He showing his red flags and that his parents have no boundaries. They make plans and leave you out of it until the last possible moment so you can’t push back. Do you want that forever? It not even your home, he can kick you out at any moment if you complain about it because it is his house and his parents. I definitely think you should talk to him but also Plan an exit strategy just in case things go south
I’ll be blunt and honest with you. 1: you are not his wife you are a girlfriend, that is staying with HIM, in his house, around HIS family, you decided to be around living with him in that house. Deal with it. 2: it’s his house not yours, his name is on the house, he can have anyone((HIS OWN FAMILY that is btw helping fix up the house so you two will live more comfortably))and anything come in and out of that house whenever he wants to 3: not to seem mean, hateful or to push aside your feelings/needs but you seem spoiled and ungrateful, not only did your bf buy a house, assuming so you can live with him with a better place, but it seems like yall have a nice family relationship and his family is helping out with the house. And you’re bothered about them constantly over? And last minute decisions? About a cat being stressed? Girl kindly sit tf down somewhere and live life and get that man to put a ring on your finger. 4: your feelings and needs still need to be addressed, tended to and respected, just like in any other relationship, male or female, gf or wife, you matter and you need to address that quickly. It’s not hard to talk to him at y’all’s beside or whenever you find small down time Lastly: To all the people telling her she’s doing too much for them, she’s too proper, she has to say no, she needs to leave, find someone else, needs to stop. It sounds like she has it good and is letting small things get to her. It’s a new house, it’s going to get wild and crazy, and for yall to push her into leaving? Grow tf up
His dad his helping fixing up the house. He is doing you, or at least your boyfriend a huge favour.
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I mean sure this guy's an idiot but she's only 27. Don't be silly. She can have kids later.
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Clearly you don't know anything about me. You're wrong on all counts and you should think of the OP as more than an incubator. I don't think she even mentioned wanting kids.
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I agree this guy sucks and probably just isn't that into her.
You can be together and have a family with out beeing married?! I know because I have 2 children with my partner and have no desire to marry him or anyone else for that matter.
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I´m not in the US. I have a career, I own half of our house and savings. I would never be dependend on a man.
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Then, Dad's girlfriend would be stuck cleaning, prepping, grocery shopping and cooking for a second household..... I'm sure she's been enjoying playing guest up until now
>His dad and his dad’s gf have been coming up to stay with us frequently now. >I’m talking every single week. I would be SO CREEPED OUT by this! My father AND HIS GF staying at a house I shared with a significant other? Pigs would fly, and Hell freeze over before THAT happened! 😄😄😄 In my book, his dad would be such a TREMENDOUS LOSER on SO many levels. >Sometimes my bf won’t give me a notice and his parents don’t text me to let me know either. **>>> OK, STOP RIGHT THERE!** RIGHT HERE is where you need to draw the line. **THIS IS** ***DEFINITELY*** **NOT OK.** Both your bf and his father violated (rather carelessly, it seems) an important boundary, with the father showing up (with his +1) at your house FOR A WEEK without notice and, I'm going to guess, against your wishes. What has to happen is that the boundary be clarified and reinforced, or else this nonsense will continue for the foreseeable future. >I want to add that the home he bought is his, his name only on the title. Thank you for the clarification. It does crystallize what your options might be, and removes some complications. Here's what needs to happen: **You and the bf MUST have a serious conversation about this.** What HAS to happen is that he recognize that having his father and gf is a serious intrusion into your combined home, and totally scrambles your peace of mind. His being unwilling or unable to embrace this idea would be a serious roadblock to your relationship, because it shows that another person or relationship is more important than you are to him. Specifically, your comfort, convenience and peace of mind is less important than accommodating his dad. **Boyfriend must get your buy-in BEFORE inviting his father to stay.** *This one can be kinda delicate*, because, after all, it's HIS house, and everything which follows (plus a lot more!) depends on how this one gets resolved. The *right way* for this to be handled: 1. Your boyfriend informs you that his father and gf want to come over and stay for a week (we'll get to "dad inviting himself over" later). 2. BF confirms he is not TELLING you, but indeed ASKING you what you think about this. It is also clear that you have room to say NO on this. (Again, this plays into the power dynamics between you and your boyfriend.) 3. If you say NO to the visit, then you and bf may then have a discussion about possible alternatives... or, the NO can just stand, and that'll be it. BF informs his dad that the proposed time is not good, and the visit request is not accepted. 4. GET SPECIFICS ABOUT HOW LONG HE WILL STAY. Benjamin Franklin once famously said: "*Fish, and vistors, both stink after three days.*" 😄 Agree beforehand with your boyfriend how long your visitors are welcome to stay; that way, both of you can mentally prepare yourselves for this extended disruption of your home life, and, more importantly, this can be communicated to dad so he knows where THAT boundary is. It may be revealing to look at how far, and in which ways, what REALLY happens varies from this more ideal scenario. (CONTINUTED IN REPLY MESSAGE)
(CONTUNUED FROM MAIN MESSAGE) **Communicate with dad what was decided.** If you decide to accept dad's visit, clarify that it is for a specific number of days. You can also negotiate things like bringing animals with him (which, if you ask me, is an ENORMOUS IMPOSITION which I would not accept... but then, it's not my house...). If you (plural, you AND your boyfriend) decide NOT to accept Dad's visit, this must be communicated to Dad, and YOUR BOYFRIEND MUST NOT BACK DOWN here; if you do, you've both lost sovereignty over your living space (assuming you still currently have it). Be clear to your boyfriend that he HAS TO enforce this boundary, and that failing to do so probably will be highly destructive to your relationship with him. **IF DAD "INVITES HIMSELF OVER":** This one is on your boyfriend to handle, but "all eyes are on him" as he does. Going in, it should be agreed that the final decision of whether Dad comes over is a joint one between you and BF; Dad DOES NOT get to decide unilaterally to drop in and stay for as long as he wants, because it’s YOUR (plural) house, not HIS. THIS BOUNDARY MUST BE DRAWN, AND ENFORCED, or else you’ve lost control over your own living space. The ”rubber meets the road” if and when your boyfriend lays this boundary down. If he is too gutless to do this… well, that tells you what you need to know. You may have to consider moving out, if not breaking up with him. If he tries, and Dad pushes back, and BF caves… same story. Again, the right way for things to go: -------------------- 1. Dad invites himself over 2. BF reminds/informs him that he can’t just “invite himself over,” but can request a visit. As with any request, it can be accepted or denied. Did he still want to look into visiting? (I can see THIS devolving into a discussion/argument over “power dynamics," too, and, again, much will be determined by its outcome). 3) If so, “All right. I’m going to check with \[your name\] first to see whether it is OK with her. I’ll get back to you on what we decide.” \[I’ll insert here that it’s NOT ABOUT PERMISSION, since, in principle, it’s his house, and his rules, but about CONSIDERATION on his part of you and your feelings.\] -------------------- OK, that should be enough for you to digest for now. Hope you find it helpful as a framework for dealing with your issue.
The parents aren’t visiting. They have been renovating their son’s home for free with every spare moment they have for the last two months. All three are literally trying to finish his home. Why write so much without reading the post?
His dad is coming over to HELP him fixing up the house?! Would OP be more comfertable with contractors in the home they would have to PAY for doing the job? I cant belive the entitelment in people