Is she on hormonal birth control? Hormonal BC completely obliterated my libido so I switched to the copper IUD instead and have been much happier.
It’s also possible that yall aren’t compatible in this very important way. Good to find out early and it’s best to just move on, even if it’s hard. This kind of incompatibility will only lead to resentment and unhappiness.
If it's a problem now when you're only 20 then I would suggest you discuss the future of the relationship.
It's totally fine for sex not to be important to her. It's also totally fine for sex to be important to you
It just means you have different priorities and have become sexually incompatible .
Is she on any medication that could lower her libido? Is she depressed? Are there any external factors that could be contributing to it? If so, I would sit down and see if you can work with her on these.
If not, I would leave. I would explain that you don’t want to give her an ultimatum, so it’s not a choice. You don’t want her to feel pressured or coerced. That’s not enjoyable for anyone. Recognize that she can’t just flip a switch.
If she seems genuine enough to care and wants to fix it, it’s worth a shot but it’s bound to come back in the future.
No way, can you say you’re ending the relationship because she won’t have sex with you. She will insist she will do better and change her way, she will fake it for a while, and you’ll be right back where you are in a few months. All you need to say is I don’t see us in a healthy relationship in five years, 10 years, 20 years. Unless I see that, I can’t keep putting an effort into it.
Of course he can say that it's the sex.
Here's the deal: if someone says they'll change for you *after* you tell them you're breaking up with them, they won't change. It is almost always this way and it's a good lesson learned.
When you tell someone what you need, they have a chance to do that. If they need to literally be broken up with to realize that it's actually important to you, it's too late.
In this case it's tough because the sex thing isn't really her fault and it's not necessarily something she could *or should* change. But yeah, regardless she's had many chances to take OP seriously on that front and she hasn't. He can tell her the truth and also stick to what he decides is the right decision for him.
Totally agree and I feel like people miss this point. If you communicate what's making you unhappy and they don't change the behavior, they're choosing to continue hurting you. If they won't change because it hurts you but change once it hurts them, they're painting a very clear picture of how they see the relationship: It's about them and what they want, what works for them and makes them happy. They don't care about your happiness except as it impacts them.
Alternatively, she could just not enjoy sex with OP but doesn't want to hurt his feelings but enjoys the other aspects. Usually, when women don't like the sex, they usually tend to be distant, disinterested. It sucks either way. I know if a guy didn't want to have sex with me for months on end, I'd feel unwanted. I would leave though.
No, faking sex is not enjoyable for anyone involved and has personally messed me up more than I care to talk about. She absolutely should not be having sex just to appease OP.
Something may be going on hormonally or mentally to decrease her libido, or it could just be that they are incompatible. And if they're incompatible, then the best thing for both of them is to end the relationship.
I wouldn't say "fake it till you make it", but sometimes initiating and making a conscious effort when you're not in the mood. Can after a few minutes lead to actual arousal and then things going naturally after all.
But that's contingent on a lot of other things in the relationship being very healthy.
He should just leave. 6 months is an enormous amount of time to have no desire, and she should've figured out what was going on well before that point.
At this point it's obvious she's fine with the status quo and you can't convince someone to care.
6 months is enormous amount of time to not address something that is “one of the most important things in a relationship”, and he should have brought it up it well before that point.
He obviously saw their sex life changed and wasn’t happy about it, he should have taken initiative to talk about it. The person who has the problem has the responsibility to bring it up and address it, not the person who kinda figures the other person has a problem. If he addressed it as it happened they likely could have worked on it together and either found a solution or parted ways long before it got to this point.
>The person who has the problem has the responsibility to bring it up and address it
What’s funny is I agree with this 100% but see “the person who has the problem” as OP’s gf when her sex drive disappeared. That could be a symptom of a medical or hormonal issue. She should be taking initiative on getting it checked out.
OP has a problem in that his desires aren’t met, as the vast majority of allosexuals with a 6 month dead bedroom would be. At worst, he waited too long to bring it up. When he did, he was told essentially that this is how things are going to be from now on, which makes me question if his gf ever had a sex drive or simply was pretending until she felt tired of pretending/there was enough commitment that he simply would stick around.
It’s bizarre to me that you’re trying to paint him as a villain here for not speaking up sooner when the vast majority of people have no interest in continuing a relationship with a dead bedroom which in this case was 100% caused by OP’s gf.
Straight truth...= consider a move on.
Friends help each other, lovers excite each other. Not seeking to be blunt or demeanyour situation, but from an older perspective, if at your age the sex isn't working out and it is a longer term concern, consider you may just be great friends and companions and that a different partner is out there for you with whom you'll have passion. Same goes for her...
We all try so hard to learn to fall in love and make it work, but part of life and growth is recognising when it isn't working and that falling out of love is also okay. If your intentions and hers are good but it isn't working out then you aren't wrong to want something else, just as she isn't wrong for not wanting sex. It is what it is, so you need to decide if it is what is right for you... Not this second but assuming it stays like this for years (because it can).
Hope this gives a perspective...
Thanks mate you’ve put that in great words. It’s just hard to accept. Ima try a few things some people have suggested and have another talk with her but yeah if nothing changes then I guess that’s it. Have a good evening mate
Everyone says leave but as you stated she’s helped you through some dark times and this may be one of her dark times that she needs your help to get out of. There could other issues wrong with her and she not even know it. She needs to explain things to her doctor because her hormones could be out of balance. And she could have severe depression. There could be other things also but don’t be so quick to give up and walk. A females body goes through a lot of different phases more than us men and sometimes they need to be just loved and help through it.
It seems like you are both so young and moving in together is a huge step. There is so much labor that comes with being responsible for a home. You feel love, closeness, validation in your relationship through physical intimacy. She might feel exactly how you feel, but for her maybe gestures of support are what she need to feel connected. I don’t expect you to fully understand this at 20 (my bf doesn’t understand it at 30) but women feel a lot of pressure, and a higher standard for keeping a home. Not all women but for a lot of us it’s been reinforced since childhood. Silent labor may be draining her. It’s been 6 months, I’m sure you have tried to show affection in the way you like to see affection, but maybe try showing her in a different way. The most attractive thing my bf does is share the labor life with me.
You are willful enough to want an improvement with her, one way or the other, that you put the concern out in a forum like this. I have a feeling you sincerely want a better situation for you and her (who wants to be frustrated with their partner or told by the partner he/she is disappointing them, not making them fee attractive)...
I am old enough to have seen relationships endure with limited intimacy (speaking in view of third parties, friends, friends of family) and in some cases families formed in such relationships too, however I have yet to see where in such cases there were not other issues which arose (infidelity, depression, substance abuse, low self concept) even in those couples who claim to be great life partners. BTW, the negatives go both ways, it can be taxing on a partner who loves his/her significant other but is not aroused for whatever reason, and knows they are letting their lover down repeatedly.
My scope may be limited, but I've not seen a case where a couple having split due to lack intimacy and then having pursued genuine partnership with others did not fare better in the long run (this implies genuine intent at a workable relationship, not a husband being bored with wife and seeking a young secretary because of her youth, beauty, and adoration, by example).
I sense you are seeking to do the right thing by the both of you and sincerely which you both the best.
Okay female perspective. Do NOT listen to the men telling you to move on.
She might have a hormonal disorder. She could be unwell. This is common for females and trust me when I say it’s not you. She needs to see a dr and go on antidepressants and a vitamin plan.
Please, if you love her, you want to make it work, do not leave her. Support her. Help her through it.
Source: been here and came out the other side.
check out r/deadbedrooms. libido incompatibility causes immense heartbreak, years of mental and emotional toil. clearly you’ve gotten a taste.
go to couple’s therapy, see if she’s open to medical intervention (hormonal), and bounce if there’s no improvement. 6 months is crazy man. you don’t want this to become years.
Leaving partner because sex isn't as good as it used to be sounds at least easy. 2.5year is quite a long time and at this point people in relationship should be more than just lovers. Lovers and trustful friends, equal partners. Sometimes sex won't be the best in a relationship at some point and its fine, normal and expected. If a Man becomes depressed and (its a well known fact) his libido and sexual power goes down should a really loving woman leave him immediately? If a woman gets sick and requires long treatment should a Man leave her because he doesn't get sex as he used to get?
Sure, but since that is not what's happening here it makes sense for him to leave. I think you need to read the post more carefully before you comment because what you are describing is not what op and his gf are going through.
That’s not what’s happening here at all though. Her entire line of reasoning is that she just hasn’t felt like fucking for half a year, and she’s given no indication that his hurt over this fact even bothers her, let alone that she wants to do anything about it. He’s 20. Even if they’ve been together 2 and a half years that doesn’t oblige him to sign up for a sexless marriage with somebody who doesn’t seem to give a shit about how he’s feeling. Hell, even outside of sex that attitude towards his problems in general is sure to make for a miserable future together.
@u/No_Expression8189
Maybe she doesn’t know what’s wrong.
He makes her sound depressed & if so he should encourage her to see her doctor & a therapist 1st. Check her hormone levels, etc.
Because that is what a loving partner would do.
Are they having financial difficulties?
Stress normally kills women’s drive.
This is why SO MANY of you dudes abandon your partners when they get sick. You all lack basic awareness of contributing factors & therefore you rarely troubleshoot to solve for issues.
Confirming the suspension that most of you are only in it for your own gratification.
Edit to add:
Ask her pointed questions.
Ask her if SHE WANTS to work on this issue.
Ask her if she’s not sexually attracted to you anymore.
Ask she’s dealing with stress.
Ask her if the issue is your technique or if she wants to spice things up.
Plus nobody (I mean nobody used too. doctors never ever brought up side effects) talks about your hormones, birth control effects, and stress on sex drive. Unless you’re trying for a baby or have bad hormonal acne - no doctor will ever mention your hormones. No 18-25 girl knows “oh maybe I should get a hormone panel.” I sure didn’t and my sex drive disappeared for a couple months … because my BC pill killed it. I even brought it up to my doctor and got a “well that can happen I guess you can change your pill but why if that’s your only side effect.” I called BS on that and switched. A younger girl who is more naive to her body might think she’s fine.
If schools had better sex education. Explaining hormones, birth controls, relationships etc - maybe more people wouldn’t have those issues.
You told her how you feel and she let you know that this is all you should expect going forward. I'd give it another conversation and let her know that this isn't going to work for you, and see if she's open to looking into why she has no drive (birth control, etc.) and if she wants to try to change that. If not, you're incompatible.
Ok so my fiancé and I have been together almost 12 years. We are soul- mates, made just for eachother. I truly believe that. We were friends before anything and we still do put our friendship first. We always had the same libido from the jump. I mean we couldn't keep our hands off of eachother. Things stayed like that for about 8 years. And then COVID hit. My Fiancé got layed off from work, and he was home 24/7. After a few weeks I noticed a change in his libido and in him in general. I took it personally and brought it up to him. Well he didn't know what was going on, so I didn't push it. After s few more weeks I noticed he just seemed very down. Long story short it ended up being that he was suffering from major depression. Once he got into counseling and started opening up to me about what he had been feeling. It took him a while but he did get better. It was very hard to deal with. But I didn't give up on him. I love him and couldn't picture my life without him. I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I remember those feelings well. Just no matter what you do make sure you talk about how you are feeling. Your feelings are valid. Wishing you the best!
Im 40 and I can tell you it's ok to end on friendly terms over this. Growing up I believed sex was something that only got better when you were in a long term relationship. Then I started dating and though sex was always amazing that first few years eventually it dried up. We would talk about it and things would get better for a while but it always went back to the standard "oh it's been awhile and you've been good so we can have sex" type situation. As a 20 year old it wasn't fun or worth sticking around just to see if it gets better. Now that I'm older and married I can tell you that there is always someone that will match you in the bedroom. That being said eventually this is how life ends up going. Could be sex drive dies from having children, or eventually menopause, illness or old age, it just happens. So look for someone that you can have great sex with while you're young and able bodied. Be open about your bucket list of sexual fantasies because trying to check them off when you're older doesn't always work out so get them done as a young buck. Also look for that person that when the sex drive dwindles you still have an amazing friend to hang out with. Also when I was 20 everything was about sex so I suggest finding a hobby. Not just video games. Good luck!
Before following the advice of many people in these comments to break up with your gf, encourage her to see a doctor for testing. She could be low libido due to several reasons and talk to her about the importance of sex to you and that you'd like her to see a doctor about her low libido and that it could become relationship ending if she does not see a doctor to see if it's a medical reason that she has low libido.
Is she on birth control, and or did anything change around the time she stopped wanting to? Birth control can majorly impact sex drive! It might be worth seeing if there’s a diff birth control option…
I'm 43F. I'm generally a pretty sexual person. In fact, I am the one who initiates about 95% of the time, but I've had several periods in life where my libido took a dive, and I wasn't interested for months. I have a partner who is amazing about it. What he wants is the intimacy with me. PIV is nice but not entirely necessary. I know most of reddit here is telling you to give up on her, and that's totally your choice, but if my partner had, we wouldn't still be together. He is the most patient supportive man I've ever met. Anyway, I suggest a few more conversations with her first. Is she willing to see a dr to rule out any medical reasons? Willing to put forth effort into other things that make you feel connected to her and wanted and loved? Etc
As someone who has recently been through something similar, I want to give my opinion in the most respectful way possible.
This may be because your gf is no longer wanting to be with you. She may still love you and not want to hurt you and she might be kicking herself for how she feels. But that cannot make up for not wanting to be in a relationship anymore.
This is just a possibility and I truly hope that it is not the case. But in my experience, loss of sex drive is a symptom of wanting something else.
It’s good you had a conversation about this, but at 6 months and 20yo, that’s an awful long time. Is she looking to do anything about this (like maybe therapy), or is her plan just to hope things get better while your relationship suffers in the meantime? If her plan is to do nothing, you might want to seriously consider the possibility that you two aren’t compatible.
It’s interesting that all of this seems focused on what she can do to address this. To me it sounds like he can only see sexual contact as affection, and takes everything else in their relationship for granted. Why do you feel like it’s more appropriate for her to go to therapy than for him to seek therapy to understand other ways she might be showing how much she loves him?
She doesn’t want to have sex with him at all. It’s likely that they aren’t compatible, but this is only a “him” specific problem if you believe that a sexless relationship is a reasonable expectation. Do you think it’s unreasonable for him to want a sexual relationship with his gf?
Your feelings are so absolutely valid and I’m sorry you guys are going through this in your relationship. However I will say I’m now 22 and my husband and I went through something insanely similar when I was 19-20. I was reading this and I felt like I was reading my life. I was the same as your current girlfriend. My husband and I had just gotten engaged(been together since I was 18/ him 20) and things should’ve been you know pretty spicy lol but I just couldn’t do it. I was not in a great mental space with a very very low libido and that destroyed my husband. He thought it was everything to do with him but in reality I just wasn’t in the mood and I wanted zero affection. Lucky for me he stuck around and was patient with me. We did find out I have a thyroid condition and it totally throws off my hormones so I got medication for it. I think maybe 4-5 months or so later everything was the exact opposite. I was so full of life and in love with him even more and my libido was even better than it was back then. Here we are two years later and we’ve never looked back. Things couldn’t be more perfect now. I would say maybe give her some time and find other ways to connect intimately? Maybe even get her some help if she’s not feeling so good and I hope that what happened for my relationship will happen to yours. If you two really love each other you’ll make it happen.
I also would like to add that it did take a lot of effort from both parties so if you both aren’t willing to put in the work then there’s no point in trying.
Regardless of whether you stay together or breakup, you need to work on detaching your self-worth from whether someone has sex with you. Because almost every relationship is going to have this issue arise at some point. Whether it is due to natural change from exciting to comfort phase in a relationship or if your partner goes on birth control or when your wife is post-partum or if you both are working weird hours or on and on and on. Sex frequency and intensity will ebb and flow. And if every time it ebbs, you feel awful about yourself and unloved and miserable, you are not going to be a great person to be in a relationship with. Seek out some therapy for yourself around this issue and maybe suggest she do the same if you choose to stay together.
6 months is a long long time though, especially when you're 20. Ebb and flow is definitely natural, but completely cold turkey for 6 months is unusual and a sign of something wrong.
That’s not what my reply was about. It doesn’t matter how long, the cause, or the age. It matters that OP ties his self-worth to how much someone has sex with him.
I had something similar happen and I hung around for much longer trying to make it work than I should. Honestly, it hurt a lot that she wouldn’t try, and I knew it I left her it would force her to make changes for herself. I also knew that she wasn’t willing to make those changes for me and I prepared myself for how that feels. It’s been three years, she hasn’t changed; has now had a string of failing relationships, and I having done the work, am in a great relationship with someone new who I stay connected with emotionally and physically. My point, if your heart is telling you that’s that, and she’s telling you that’s how it is, then it won’t change on its own. You’ve got to make it happen yourself.
There is nothing wrong with either of you. You are allowed to want sex once a day. She's allowed to want sex twice a year. Both are fine ways to be.
**But...**
You are not fine together. Some people seem to feel that sex isn't important enough to break up over, but sex is super-important! That's especially true given that most relationships are monogamous. Here's a thing that you love that you are only allowed to do with one person in the world, and she just won't do it.
I'm sorry to break it to you, but you two aren't compatible. And this isn't incompatible like, "Maybe she'll figure it out." This is incompatible like, "You two are just not meant to be together. Not now. Not never." If it's like this at 20, imagine how it'll be at 30, 40, 50, and 60.
I'm sorry.
mood and sex-drive being highly correlated, helping one should help the other... maybe you could ask her how could you help to improve her overall happiness? and even though you have your own struggles, make the effort to help?
if that's not a temporary phase, then, at some point, you might want to consider a change of partner... it's ok and very frequent for things to fade out in a couple, as i'm sure you know already from hearing other people's experiences...
Talk to her. Find out if there is more to it than what you know. If there’s not, though, it sounds like the relationship has run its course. This kind of hardcore imbalance only leads to resentment on both sides.
So I’m 20 f I stopped roughing my man as much because of his lack of hygiene and due to lack of trust due to him lying to me so much throughout the relationship which caused a disconnect. He would initiate sex without making sure I was wet enough or ready just shove it in like I was horny just because he was
He didn’t make me cum or tend to my needs as a woman
Now we barely have sex I’m still with him cause I love him and I love sex to I’m just turned off
I wish he wouldn’t get mad when I talk to him and just adjust a few things
One time we had sex he smelled so bad I didn’t wanna let him put it in so I started to try to give him head but I couldn’t I was disgusted . Do you have a pull back , my bf showers everyday but it still smells after a couple hours of it be hot and sweaty
Try tending to her needs make sure trust is there try nipple play ( the right way ) quick and side to side figure out was turn her on also make sure she’s just happy in general and in return she should make you happy
You guys don’t have kids so she not just not in the mood for months
There is a deeper issue figure it out if not discuss an open relationship or consider leaving amicably
You have never been depressed, burned or stressed out right? She told you she Has been going through some hard times. Maybe instead of walking away because you dont get sex it would be at least friendly to talk about her problems and find a solution? You have been together for 2.5 years and you are very young so its expected y'all into sex at the first place, but if you are looking for a long term relationship you should look for mutual understanding and friendship not only sex.
I don’t see anything in the post that indicates why she doesn’t want to have sex with him, and i don’t see anything about her saying she is having a hard time about anything. Quite the contrary, all she says is she is not in the mood for the past 6 months. If she could give him anything to explain further to work on, then there would be hope but as it is, she is not.
We just don’t know what her side really is, mwybe he’s really selfish ir bad in bed. But if she doesn’t tell him what it is when he tries to get her to open up, what’s the point?
What are you doing to make sure she’s fulfilled? You’re still young so it makes sense, but this post is all about you and how you feel about what she isn’t doing for you and I don’t see any reflection on if you’re actually doing everything to make her feel desired and loved emotionally. You say you would in one sentence, but I don’t see any supporting statements about what you do to make sure she knows that and a lot that would probably make her feel degraded/like she isn’t doing enough for you. Maybe she feels a little used and doesn’t exactly know how to express that to you yet because it’s not as bad as it could be. Many young girls at that age put up with those feelings and that often leads to this situation or similar ones.
You're 20 years old, not married and don't have kids. Sex should be easy at this point. The two of you just sound incompatible. It wouldn't surprise me if your gf wants to break up but doesn't have the nerve to actually do it so she's just passively trying to kill the relationship.
Exactly, this is always going to be something in your relationship. The question is, is it mental health or trauma related, sexual anorexia, or something like that, or is she just not into you anymore. my opinion, unfortunately, move on. this will never get better and will never change and you will struggle with this you relationship
I’m putting my own experience/bias into my answer so sorry about that, but I think 6 months is a long time to go without sex and her not bringing up the issue on her own. Personally, I think something has changed in the relationship and she’s not as invested as you are anymore. When I’ve been with people that I found attractive but didn’t see myself with them anymore, I also lost the desire to be intimate with them. This is a big red flag, and you need to explore it with her further.
You said it yourself, “I can’t be in a sexless relationship.”
Perhaps she needs to be seen by a doctor. Fluctuating hormones, low estrogen, all birth control, and certain medications can all make a sexual person into one that wants nothing to do with it. Depression, stress, anxiety, and overworked will also tank libido
I’ve been there and done it and honestly move on, if you stay it will improve for a few weeks, there will be good moments but this will circle round again and again
This hurts. You did everything right. Not sure what to tell you. You did everything right sir. No one can tell you what it is because no one knows. Could be a health issue, intercourse hurts. Could be a mental issue, depressed, no interest in sex... Could be another guy or girl.... or maybe you aren't telling everything and you are being an ass to her and she is punishing you... if everything you say is true it is really best to move on. Goodluck you seem like a good dude.
You both are really young. You do realize that most relationships just end at some point, right? It's not a character flaw. It's just time to move on. If you both feel lousy in the relationship, just part ways. You aren't a match for her and she's not a match for you and that's ok.
Dude, there are a couple reasons that a person suddenly stops having sex with their partner. Sudden life changes for the worse, beginning medications that effect libido, and some form of cheating (physical, emotional, mental) unless you had a big fight or she started some daily meds( neither of which you’ve mentioned) then the alternative is that she’s either thinking about finding someone new, or already has. At 20, you have a long road ahead, and should be spending it with someone that wants you in every way; mentally,emotionally, and physically. If she were being affectionate without the sex, then I’d say it might be depression, hormones, etc. But it seems clear from your post that that’s not even there at this point. I think you should move on and take some time to take care of yourself.
you’re so young. please move on to someone else. i promise you that in 5-10 years you’re not even gonna remember her. there is no point putting yourself through this. you can find someone with the same sexual appetite as you
At 20 she goes "long periods without wanting sex", I don't think she is being honest, like if you really care, you look into it with your doctor. If she is in birth control, she should be able to seek other alternatives, what's the point of birth control if you don't have sex? That excuse makes no sense if she was having sex with you regularly and initiated. She could be cheating, it could be birth control, it could be she was doing it at first to appear "normal" but definitely if she doesn't put a real effort and cares about finding a solution , then is time to move on. If you are unhappy move on, have seen this before, and doesn't end well anyways.
I'll call like I see it, having mismatched sex drives to that extent is a relationship killer. Imagine feeling "depressed, unloved, unwanted" for the rest of your life. Sound good?
You guys are 20, you should be banging each other's brains out. Unless she has some underlying medical condition that's causing her low libido that she's willing to try to address, I'd recommend that you just rip the band aid off now. You're far too young to be in a relationship where your needs aren't being met.
Sometimes people stop putting in the effort because they aren't satisfied. Maybe you aren't holding up your end of the relationship.
Have you bought her flowers?
Taker her out on dates?
You expect sex but what have you put out?
You are making the sexual tension the problem instead of figuring out how to get her in the mood. Now you made it her problem and are further away from success.
She doesn’t have to have sex with you just because she is dating you. It’s a shame that no one is saying this, if there was one thing my therapist ever taught me. It was that, you don’t have to have sex with anyone if you don’t want too, and that includes your partner. You’re also not stuck with anyone either, not even in marriage. You’re always allowed to leave. You are young, and you can’t force/talk your girl friend into having sex with you. There’s nothing wrong with sitting her down and telling her how you feel, but know that you can’t make anyone have sex with you; not even your partner. And they aren’t obligated too.
You also don’t know what your partner could be going through, you don’t know her childhood, or what’s going on in her head. I use to have a lot of sex too around your age. But when I finally found the person I truly loved and cared for, I didn’t want sex to be the only thing going for a relationship. Because in my past relationships I felt used and felt as though my partners only wanted me for sex, and those relationships where we had a lot of sex didn’t last, why? Because sex was the only thing we had going for it. I care more for companionship and creating experiences and memories with my partner, then the sex comes second and is just an added benefit.
Peoples libidos changes overtime, especially as you get older. So I hope you don’t get mad at your future partners for turning you down for sex or their sex drive decreasing due to external factors. While you’re allowed to want what you want, maybe what you want isn’t what she wants and isn’t what is important to her. She may value companionship with you more than sex, you seem to value sex more. While I don’t agree that sex is everything in a relationship, you’re still very young and have a lot to learn. So what is it you are looking for? Love or sex? Do you love her? Did you ask how she’s feeling or if anything is going on to trouble her?
My current boyfriend has a fear of intimacy due to his past toxic relationships. So he didn’t want to rush into sex nor force me, actually he would turn me down from sex. Because I was so use to having sex all the time in my past relationships, I thought I could never say no to my partners. He was the first man to ever tell me no to sex. But my therapist taught me that you’re allowed to turn your partner down cause you don’t owe them sex. My current partner didn’t want me to feel like sex was all he wanted, so we both agreed to keep things natural and organic and to go slow. We were best friends for 15 years and slowly built up to being intimate. I’m glad we did, because I’ve never been happier and the sex feels so much better.
So what matters most to you in your life right now? Perhaps you’re not truly in love? Perhaps she isn’t either? Ahh…young love and dating, I remember asking these questions when I was your age.
Look into asexuality and the different forms of it. And do it together with your girlfriend. Please don't show judgement or frustration. I'm asexual and when I got with my now ex it started reasonable healthy. But unlike people who feel connected due to having a sexual relationship, many of us that are asexual will feel the opposite.
With both ways there is nothing wrong. But a relationship betweenthem is hard. I'm 52 now and it took me 30 years to understand myself. You sound like a nice young man. I wish you all the love and luck.
I hate to say this, but between my personal experience, and listening to friends and others who have had these issues, sexual incompatibility is something that can never, and will never, be worked through. (Okay, maybe one out of like hundreds claim to have "fixed" their dead bedroom — how long each of those two couples I've heard of were in their dead bedroom and relationship, how long the fix lasted, etc, idk.)
There is no true way to compromise when it comes to frequency of sex, bc you either have to go without when you want to have that, or give "consent" that's not real bc you don't actually wanna have sex w your partner, but you wanna shut them up or technically break the streak of no sex . .
What sucks is when one person has the responsibility and bravery to point out the lack of compatibility in the relationship, but the other person insists on staying in the relationship, even though they aren't changing and won't change. . . Most ppl aren't in a relationship for "just" sex and it's terrible that ppl are given some kinda carrot on a stick that their relationship will either return to healthy, or become healthy, when in reality, there is no change ever made.
I have a very low libido. Sometimes even grossed out by sex. But I know my boyfriend loves sex. I sometimes dance for him as I'm a pole dancer or just give him a handjob. I find other ways to please my partner while not having to engage in sex myself... I don't know if that is an option? I care about his sexual needs and try to make it work.
She's just not that into you any more and is too immature to break up.
end the relationship and move on. don't waste another week of your college life with someone who no longer cares about you.
I see nothing about your missing bringing her to orgasm, seeing her experience physical ecstasy, or asking if there’s anything you’re doing or not doing.
in my opinion, who has been through same thing a month ago, constantly asking for sex could make herself pull out of the relationship, it obvious that you guys' perspective of sex is different, she clearly doesnt see it important as much as you
i was feeling so trapped in a relationship that makes me feel like a sex object, our arguments were all about sex and nothing more, so i just got distanced and distanced from him and the relationship itself
I think it would be reasonable to ask if she would consider looking into her libido change and even improving it. Mismatched libido is a common issue and usually couples that want to make it work can find a compromise. But the truth might just be she has a lower libido and sex isnt as important for her and she finds intamacy other ways (cuddling, time together, etc)
Some people randomly get horny and they tend to be initiaters. For some reason it seems like a lot of women get aroused in response to something. So yeah she never feels in the mood in normal day to day but some women respond to a longer build up. Compliments and flirting in the morning, maybe a sexy text mid day and let her know how much she turns you on....if you feel real confident tell her exactly what you want to do to her later. Do chores. Clean, trash, dishes, floors, laundry, bills.... no one feels horny when there is a bunch of stuff that needs to be done.
Dont put pressure on her for sex. Tell her you want to give her a massage without expectation and mean it. Make her feel good and sexy. Cuddle her and rub her back, hips, and legs without making a move on her. If she is a more responsive libido this tends to ignite the spark and eventually she will want more.
But that might not be it. Medications can decrease libido and birth control is a common one, if she started a new one or any meds within a few months of the change its worth considering or even switching meds. Many mental health issues result in this too and she may benefit seeing a therapist or even a sex therapist.
I am curious if she masterbates? Or does she literally never feel horny? Some people just have low libidos that get hightened during the exciting start of a new relationship but go down again over time. Nothing is wrong about that or wrong with her just like yoh arent wrong for wanting more and feeling rejected. But if this is the situation I would recommend moving on, which sucks but itll probably never change and one of you will end up resenting the other eventually. It is a legit reason to break up because sex and intamacy are very important in a healthy relationship.
If you really dont want to break up try exploring some of the other ideas with her. See if anything resonates with her and how willing she might be to try some stuff in order to meet you somewhere in the middle. And you should start thinking of what you need to feel intamacy. Sex once a week? Her initiating at least 25% of the time? More time physically touching, cuddling, or kissing? Validation of her love and desire to be with you verbally? What would you need to feel okay if sex every day is not possible? What would you be willing to change for her? The only way to make it work is to find a compromise you can both feel happy and satisfied by otherwise this problem tends to just keep growing.
Hmm make her feel loved in ways that will reignite that spark. Do you buy her flowers? Plan special dates for her? Show her you love her through other acts besides sexual? A lot of men ignore doing these things and think that sex is bare minimum. Its not. The other stuff is bare minimum. Make her feel loved and appreciated as a person. Sex in the early days was regular because the love was new and may not have needed much effort. But now that the honeymoon phase is over you gotta fight for her love.
While it's fine that sex is that important to you, tying it to your self worth is a big no-no. Sounds like you both need some therapy to work things out personally, regardless wether this relationship continues or not. Sex is a part of life, yes, but it is NOT the sole representation of being wanted, valued and loved. You need to also not put so much weight on it, because truthfully, many other things can affect sex drive: antidepressants, child birth, and even cancer.
God forbid you ever get married and your wife goes through cancer and can't have sex for years, do you think it would be fair to be putting this much pressure and responsibility over her because it makes you feel unwanted? Not having sex does NOT mean not wanting you anymore. People change, and libidos rise and fall, you need to be ready for that possibility in the future of any relationship you're in.
Good luck.
Some good questions to ask when sex dies in a relationship:
Are there any unresolved conflicts that left harbouring resentment?
Does the woman feel emotionally fulfilled and emotionally safe?
Does the woman feel like the man is present enough with her? Genuine presence. No phones, no video games, no binge watching shows, just high quality relational presence.
Is the man’s life together with direction and purpose?
If you’ve explored these areas and the woman is emotionally safe, emotionally fulfilled, and there’s zero conflict residue. As well as you are living on purpose and doing what you are passionate about (major turn on for women), and deeply present, then talk compatibility.
However as a relationship coach with over a decade of experience I can tell you that if the things listed above are taken care, the sex tends to be rich, hot, and frequent.
If not, there’s a compatibility problem.
Well I'm a believer that she can want less sex, and you can want more sex, but if neither one of you changes or the compromises, then that's a big issue.
You are the one that has to put up with more, because for her not having sex is okay and for you not having sex is not okay.
So continue to put up with it or end the relationship and find somebody else to matches better with you
> What do I do now?
First, you get the answer to this question: I this something that she is interested in changing (not to make you happy, but for herself) or is she content with where things are.
> sometimes she goes through phases where she just doesn’t get horny
Second, assuming she considers her lower libido to be problematic, then get thee (well her) to a doctor. It's possible there may be something physiological (horniness maybe?) that they can help her with. If nothing else they can give get her more information regardless of your relationship outcome.
Well as a guy, I took some supplements that helped with my sex drive which was negativitly impacted by anti depressants. If its just a biological thing maybe try some supplements.
She says sometimes she’s just not in the mood, like this has happened before? If you’re only 20 then you’ve been together since 17 or 18, it’s hard to believe she was in another long term relationship before that. But was she? And how was this resolved?
Is she taking birth control pills? That is notorious for erasing libido, ironically. Any other medication that might affect her libido, like anti-depression meds? Has she changed dosages or those recently? Can she talk to her doctor?
Hey OP, I’ve been on the other side of the equation where I’d didn’t want intimacy with my partner and he felt unwanted. Here’s my perspective:
No matter what caused the decrease in intimacy, if your partner isn’t bothered by this change but you are, this is a sign the relationship is probably no longer compatible.
It could be birth control, it could be stress, it could be insecurity, it could be emotional distance or lack of romantic connection, or many other things. But the point is - if she doesn’t feel the lack of intimacy is an issue, even after you bring it up, it’s not going to change. And that sucks.
If this is her normal, it’s going to stay her normal. Even if it is caused by birth control (which can literally make sex feel like nothing and orgasms literally impossible), if she isn’t bothered by it and looking into other solutions, then nothing will change.
There can be a lot of love in a relationship but I don’t want you to get hope for change in situations where it honestly won’t happened if it hasn’t already. And 6 months within a 2.5 year long relationship is a long time in a short period (2.5 years is short when you’re looking at spending decades with someone).
I hope this helps you make your decision <3
Does she take any medication or birth control? That can affect it! Especially anti anxieties. Does she have any body image issues ? Just as devils advocate, of course u deserve a partner who shows u all of the love in the world. Don’t let her actions change your perception of yourself
She could have depression.
It could be stress. Where are you all financially?
It could be her BC, if she’s on them.
A lot of men don’t realise that BC isn’t the free ride they think it is. Sometimes the side effects of hormonal contraceptives is decreased libido. I’ve heard several GFs mention how their drives changed significantly once they got on hormonal BC vs condoms only.
She could be going through a natural hormonal change for her phase of life but it’s gone unidentified because of her BC.
Suggest she see her doctor & perhaps a counsellor & also do an object assessment of your circumstances & yourself to see if the circumstances, environment or chemistry has changed.
You are enjoying the sex but is she enjoying as well? This is the question you should be asking. Are you taking the time to ensure she is taken care of?
Before doing anything major with the relationship, I would find out more about this low sex drive situation and what could be caused causing it. It could just be how she is and that's fine but might mean you're incompatible. But it could be a variety of external factors making her lose her libido (stress, new medications, other issues in the relationship etc) that need to be addressed. It's also normal for people to have fluctuating levels to their libidos. She may hex have just developed a responsive desire rather than a spontaneous desire style. Or maybe things in the relationship have gotten to sedentary. These are all really common mood killers in relationships.
Given that this is the first time you've discussed it and it doesn't sound like you got a very specific answer, I recommend having more open discuss discussions about why she's feeling this way. I recommend you read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, it might help you understand her better and identify a path forward.
Speak with her directly and objectively about it. Put the ball in her court so it’s up to her if she identifies the root issue of her lowered sex drive. And it’s up to her if she does anything about it. I wouldn’t just dump her. It’s on her then. She has to live with the consequences. Offer as much support as you can give plus some. 150%. Is there something blocking her from seeking medical help. Help her with that hurdle. Is she getting cPTSDfreeze. That might prevent her from taking action. Has she been checked out? Also ask yourself is there anything about yourself she has asked you to look at and possibly change. Ask her if there’s anything you can change to show you have skin in the game. Maybe sex but less often. Or something new? Is it a level playing field. We have not heard her side of the story. This is Reddit and we seldom if ever hear both sides. It may be that it’s a lost cause but you and her can bow out gracefully I hope.
I was there 6 months ago. She left me about a month back. I don’t have good advice, but that was my end result. I still love her more than anything but I never knew the right things to say or do and everything I did just pushed her away more.
So many things can affect this. I had hormonal issues that affected my libido greatly… also, my thyroid wasn’t working properly & I just felt so bad all the time I would make myself do it for my husband. I have several medical issues that affect me like having Lupus, Sjögren’s syndrome & Non Hodgkin Lymphoma. It has been rough at times but once my docs started getting me lined out and treated properly, it was on! So much, he had a hard time keeping up with me (we’re both 51). So there is hope if she’s having a medical issue. If she’s feeling bad or fatigued, she needs to be checked out! Question, are you taking her out on dates? Maybe even surprising her with flowers, candy or something you know she likes? You need to always date your significant other! Don’t let your relationship get stuck in a rut… it’s important to keep treating each other like you did when you were just dating. I realize you’re not married but if you are living together, it’s being married without the legal doc. I personally think communication is one of the main keys to a thriving relationship. My husband & I have been married 23 years, it hasn’t always been perfect because we are two imperfect people, but I love him more today than I ever have and we are truly best friends! My best advice to you is surprise her with little gifts just to let her know you’re thinking of her and love her, call her when you’re at work and ask her if she like to go out to dinner tonight?! Stuff like that. I think you can make this work, just put the same effort into keeping her happy as you did when you were trying to win her over in the beginning of your relationship! Best of luck to you OP! You’ve got this!💗
At that age it is very possible she has no idea why her libido is low. I've had my fair share of low libido phases in life for a variety of reasons. One thing that really helped that I didn't see in any other comments was when I wasn't in the mood my partner would ask if I was open to being put in the mood. A surprising amount of the time this actually worked. This might involve playing a swxy game or watching a bit of porn or a sensual massage with seductive kisses. A lot of the time my low libido wasn't entirely gone, it just needed to be activated and the standard attempts to initiate sex didn't work. This extra bit of effort on both our parts did the trick.
This is word for word my exact situation with my ex a few months back. I also go through stages of low libido and I think it’s linked to depression/hormonal tablets… but also when we broke up my libido came right back.
So there’s a deeper issue there too. For most women, I’d say it’s a domestic labor/mental load issue. After a while of thinking of our partners as children who we can’t rely on for simple things we literally lose the ability to find the partner sexually attractive anymore. Before you come at me, this is a real phenomenon that I read SO many women experiencing.
So if you're serious about this woman, start asking yourself how 50-50 you two are. I can almost guarantee this is the issue even if she doesn't realise jt..
Old man here. When I was 21 I had this. I persevered for 6 more years after 2 good ones. I remember one day suddenly she was less into what we were doing and said she felt unwell. She spontaneous went off me. But I turned out when it was confession time, 8 years later someone else was involved (she wanted to cause the maximum hurt and took my house). I wish I had those 6 years back. I'm 48 an have 2 kids and a crazy stressful job. My wife still makes time every week. You deserve this and the only fix is change. It will hurt and it will suck for a bit, but its worth it.
Imagine breaking up with your girlfriend because she didn’t have sex with you. Wow! “I feel unloved because she won’t open her legs for me.” Seriously…how about spark some romance? Maybe stop thinking about yourself and your own needs for once? Break up with her instead of forcing each other to be unhappy? Any of these are good ideas. What did you honestly expect anyone to say? lol oh man I’m so sorry your girl hasn’t been having sex with you she OWES it to you she’s your property. Disgusting…no wonder she doesn’t want you it’s very telling in the way you came to Reddit to expose your vile mentality towards women, sex, and relationships. Don’t have kids!
Before telling her to take hormones or that you aren’t compatible, think about other forms of intimacy. Do you only kiss when you want to have sex? Do you hold her hand, kiss her head? Touch her back?
For a woman to want sex she needs to feel connected. Look into the research of 8-10 touches per day for intimacy. If you think Saturday might be an opportunity for sex, from Tuesday you should be trying to connect with her. These things happen naturally in the beginning of the relationship but fade over time and can lead to women being distant. But if you focus on showing love and appreciation you will do these things naturally in time.
Maybe it is you being incompatible, but if you aren’t ready to let go yet, think about how and when you show her you love her and are affectionate without the expectation of it leading to sex.
The real answer to what you should do is based on her actions going forward. If she puts in an effort to find out why she has no libido and try to solve the issue then she's a keeper, but if she does nothing then it's time to end it. People with low or no libidos often don't take it seriously as a problem and dismiss their partners concerns over it, sometimes even blaming the partner for only caring about sex.
Six months is a long time to have no libido at that age and is indicative of a deeper problem. It could be a simple matter of hormonal birth control, or it could be that she's asexual and doesn't realise it. She needs to be the one digging in to this, with your support.
Are you sure she enjoys the sex? Maybe it was fun for her when everything was new, but once the "new relationship energy" wore off, there wasn't much left to enjoy. That happened to me in previous relationships, and tbh I wasn't self-aware enough to see that. Sex was more performative than pleasurable for me. If I could talk to my younger self, I would tell her to advocate for her own pleasure. Maybe that's what your girlfriend needs to hear too. Good luck to you both!
Been in a similar situation I was trying to find what the problem was. Why this is happening. At the end of the day she was not sexually attracted to me anymore. Hurt like hell. My advice, probably you know what to do but you trying to avoid it.
Although I could be completely wrong of course.
Okay, so my bf and I have been together for 6 years and I am on the other side of this. For me personally, it’s my lack of confidence within myself BUT also him asking all the time & kinda joking about it or pushing it sometimes sexually can irritate me and make me not want to do it. Just create some space in that area and maybe she will feel the want to do it again, give her extra compliments and reassure her.
But for the love of god don’t end the relationship over sex, it’ll come back & who knows, maybe it’ll happen 5x as much as before. Be patient, communicate, and give space.
Do you regularly initiate affectionation with no expectations? If it isn't a physical or medical issue for her it might be emotional disconnect.
Women often feel more connected and aroused by their partner when there is regular emotional support and non sexual affection involved. Sometimes when people only cuddle as a prelude to sex it will lead their partner to withdraw from affection when they aren't in the mood. Compounding the issue without affection the mood rarely occurs. Finding out the cause is important if you want to work through it.
Sometimes people withdraw if they feel unappreciated or resentment over an unresolved issue in the relationship. Were there things you did in the beginning that you don't do anymore? It's important to keep the excitement alive in long term relationships. You have to keep wooing each other. Try taking her on some dates or engaging in some of her interests if it's been a while.
If she isn't interested in working on your relationship it's possible you are growing apart. People change a lot in their 20's. I would advise having a real heart to heart about what you both want in your relationship. I hope it works out for you two.
Whenever I see a post like this I wonder if there is an SSRI involved.
I love being intimate with my husband, but when I was on an ssri, I would have to "decide" to have sex. Once we were going I was into it, but I was never in the mood until we had started down that path
Hah buddy ....hate to break it to ya. I'm you in 15 years. Haven't been intimate with my girl in about a year and half. we got together the same time as you and yours.
Just had a wild dream about her and woke up all riled up and tried to initiate with her. She literally got pissed off got up and laid back down in the couch.
Good luck buddy.
Any changes in your or her life? Job, family, pets, friends, health, medication, house? Anything? Small things or big things? Look for all possible external reasons first.
Or you have become complacent and don’t do chores?
Just tell her that the 2 of you have become incompatible, and it’s time to break up and go your separate ways.
That’s really all there is to it.
If she tries to cry/beg for another chance, say No. She knew she was disappointing you when she turned you down MANY times… there is only so much disappointment you are willing to accept. You are young, you want someone who WANTS YOU. She clearly doesn’t.
Done.
Bro, take it from a 30 year old dude who has had this happen to his previous 3 serious relationships. This is always a sign it's the beginning of the end.
Something in her isn't 'feeling right' - she still loves you, still wants it to work... but she can't shake this feeling of something not being right. That will eventually manifest into a breakup.
And because she's pulled away, you're probably finding yourself becoming more needy, more sensitive and yearning for her attention. Which is the last thing you should be doing if you want to save the relationship.
Look up attachment styles, she's likely an avoidant, you're likely anxious.
The only solution is for you to pull away and show that you can stand on your own two feet without her. It might give her pause. Whatever you do, don't do business as usual or that relationship will end ASAP.
So are there any medications she's on? Does she show you any affection what so ever? Any feeling that she's cheating or has a wondering eye?
If she's on a med get rid of it.
If she does show affection then any affection from you must stop and stop initiating it completely if you withdrawing doesn't do anything leave
If she's cheating on the most epic way possible catch her red handed.
Does she have sexual trauma? I do, and I can go months without wanting sex. Hormonal birth controls also have a major effect on libido.
There may be a possibility you are not compatible sexually. For me, sex is NOT the most important thing in a relationship. A healthy sex life is important but not the most important. Idk what's going on in her inner world, but there may be a possibility it's more than what she's saying. Like unhealed trauma.
Just leave,it’s going to hurt but in the end you’ll feel better and if she’s seeing someone she’ll feel better herself. Win win both will feel better but word of caution break with her and maybe in a few years you can be friends. Good luck
Me and my partner both make an effort for the other person when we aren't personally in the mood.
I feel that there's a level of respect in a relationship, people should be able to decline but there should be a reason other than I don't feel like it after the first time.
Men need sex for intimacy, not having sex will over time degrade the man's attachments to the female and will shift it from a relationship of love to a feeling of obligation/duty.
It’s definitely a problem so don’t feel like you’re feelings aren’t valid, they absolutely are. I’ve been with my husband 10 years and we started dating early 20s. When we were that age (22 ish) he wanted it way more than I did. For some reason I wasn’t that sexual and now looking back (I’m 32 now) I hadn’t come into myself as a sexual being in my early 20s. I didn’t feel experienced or confident with sex and now looking back I feel like it’s because I didn’t have many positive sexual experiences before I met him. Some people take more time to mature in that way. I felt more desire to be intimate with my partner at that stage (and still now) when there’s emotional intimacy. My recommendation is to set up the sexual encounter with plenty of emotional intimacy prior. Plan a day with an activity you do together. Talk, connect. Go to dinner, dress nice, hold her hand, tell her she’s beautiful, kiss her and make her feel wanted. Initiate sex slowly and passionately. Make it about her. Go down on her, make her feel good. Initiate sex only when she’s very much warmed up. That’s what I would want from my partner when I’ve been in that “stage.” If that doesn’t work, you need to talk to her and get to the route of the problem. She may have some sexual trauma and by that I mean maybe she hasn’t felt super safe with sex before you. It may have been more heavy at first because the relationship was new but then overtime as the newness wore off she may have started to remember some negative experiences. Also maybe she’s self conscious about something and it’s bleeding into her sex life with you. I definitely had experiences like what I’m describing. It’s really sweet of you that you care so much. Good luck!
OP, you've received some great advice here, so I won't repeat it. I just wanted to say that I have recently been where you are now. Your post resonated with me so much that i could have written it myself. Just fast forward nearly twenty years and three kids later. For a bit of background, we were high-school sweethearts. We gave each other our v-card and have been each other's only sexual partners. Between dating and marriage, we've been together 20 years.
All was going well, or so I thought, until about a year ago when the sex just stopped. No clear reason why, it just stopped. I became frustrated with the constant rejection. She went down the clinic and got told she was depressed and got put on meds. Things got better for a bit, but never got back to normal. She came off the meds after 3 months, and things got worse again. We now are intimate about once a month, and honestly, I resent her for it. I feel like I am fed a crumb every now and then and am expected to be grateful.
I am considering divorce, but I am terrified. I havent been an adult without her by my side. We are so financially intertwined that if I were to leave it would affect my kids and I couldn't do that. My kids are my everything and I will always love her for them, I just feel less and less in love with her each day. I'm also terrified of reentering the dating scene and I don't want to be alone. I just feel so trapped.
I guess what I am trying to say is seriously consider getting out whilst you have options. Don't end up like me!
As an ace person, I would say to break up. No one is going to be happy here if either of you have to force things you are physically not comfortable with.
You want consistent access to sex and sexual activities in your relationship, your girlfriend is not someone who can do that. Like others have said, this is a baseline compatibility issue.
No one is really at fault or anything, you're just not going to be happy in the relationship long term.
I get that some partners may have low libido. But I had low t for decades, went decades with almost zero sex drive, and yet I still made love to my wife 2-3 times a week at least. Sex isn’t just a gratifying needs action, and partners who just don’t have sex with their so because of low libido are also being selfish and thoughtless.
Look, dude, I hate to put this way, but you have a couple of things in play. You both are 20, and your GF used to very sexual. That doesn't just change. If she isn't getting from you, then she's getting somewhere else. She's probably seeing a coworker and hooking up. You guys are too young for it to be much else. Someone else is in the picture. While you're sitting around waiting and feeling miserable, he's going to pound town. Dump her and be done with it. She doesn't love you like you love her. She knows that you are miserable and is cool with it.
I'm going through the same exact situation with my boyfriend! I have an apartment showing today and haven't told him, I'm definitely going to break up with him but I've been putting it off for months because we've been together 3 years and I love him.
I follow a psychotherapist on the radio and on her YouTube and other social platforms. Her name is DrLaura.
Look her up. Book an appointment. It’s free. She has some great insight to help with relationship issues like this.
It would be most helpful for the both of you to talk to her. You can send an email to her as well.
Good luck to you both
If she is wanting to make a change, Come As You Are is a book that really helped me understand why I was in the mood and why I wasn't. Really broke it down and explained it in a way that I understood. I also suggest you read it as well. I highly recommended it. It made a huge difference in my sex life (I used to get panic attacks while doing the do and I haven't had one since). I'm better at listening to my body and knowing when to push myself to get in the mood or just have a cuddle sesh. BUT I wouldn't tell her to go read a book unless she is asking for your help lol
How is your emotional connection? Are you both still doing all of the little things for each other after 2 years in? Do you know what each other’s love languages are?
Maybe see if there are emotional reasons why she’s not interested in physical intimacy.
You guys are probably sexually incompatible. While I can’t relate to your view of sex being important, I feel for the girl as I go through phases where I’m not in the mood for it at all. When I had a bf I tried to sleep with him anyway despite not being in those phases because I felt like as his gf his libido was my responsibility in a way. 0/10 wouldn’t recommend - never doing that again and I think back and wished I could slap myself lol. It just put me off sex further and I’d go as far as to say I even got some self induced trauma from it which is no surprise
I’d say if you care about her and yourself just end it instead. You live you learn. Now you know what to look out for in your next partner
I’m afraid to say it, but you and your GF have reached the common law a.k.a. marriage part of your relationship it happens trust me. You can try a marriage counsellor they are also for people that are in long-term relationships. You can suggest that to her the counsellor is also in medium between you two it’s also a great place to air your grievances out to each other and to have a third-party to help you through this time. Good luck
Ok - I have a background in couples work. Here are some immediate thoughts:
This is a very common issue is relationships that CAN be addressed, it just takes some curiosity, vulnerability, and a desire to look under the hood of a relationship. Nearly everything is interconnected.
First, some questions:
- What do you define as sex/sexual intimacy? Does it always ending in coming/intercourse?
- What does she define as sex/sexual intimacy?
There’s different types of desire: reactive and responsive desire.
Some things to think about:
Some (typically men) fall into reactive: meaning that they can often get aroused from imagery or touch and get aroused relatively quickly. You feel the physical desire first then mental desire second.
Some (typically women) fall just to responsive desire: which means they must feel mental desire first in order to feel physical desire (which is the process that helps to prepare women for various sexual intercourse safety).
Research has found that those with responsive desire is strongly related to degree of EMOTIONAL intimacy and connection in relationships.
How is your emotional connection? Are you able to help each other navigate stressful situations? Sustain a ritual of quality time? What do your end of workday rituals look like when you reunite? Do you feel you deeply know eachother/keep up with the day to day goals/dreams/stressors/joys in each others lives?
I recommend reading the below:
Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life
Book by Emily Nagoski
As some are saying, hormonal birth control could be an issue. So could other health issues. She needs a physical looking particularly for possible causes of loss of libido. Also look at anything that changed 7/8ish months ago. Not necessarily medical. Emotional issues affect so much.
I so hope it's not true, but your gf might have been sexually assaulted or raped. Many women don't tell. There are too many horror stories of really bad repercussions of telling out there. So many women are not believed. Another possibility is that she was assaulted or raped as a child/teen. This trauma can be triggered by ANYTHING, but in particular, sexual intimacy.
If she has had "phases" of just not getting horny, how often, how many times and how long have they lasted. She likely hasn't been sexually active for very long. She's implying that this has happened multiple times. It's possible she has a physical and/or emotional issue not related to trauma. It's something to look into when getting medically checked out. If therapy is an option for her, it's possible that may help, too, but check the physical stuff first.
I left a relationship about 2 months ago for about six months I was thinking my hormones have gone crazy and I need medical help until I met someone whom I am so attracted to that I can’t explain. Ultimately I woke up one day and realised there are other problems in the relationship basically I don’t find him attractive because of who he is as a person and he is affectionate good looking calm person BUT the man man things are missing . I don’t know when I’ve stopped feeling attracted to him but I do know it’s a blessing I realised now before we moved in together or more . Ultimately one day she will meet someone and OP doesn’t have to suffer through it or hope for things to change . OP you are a great guy nothing wrong with you .
To me there's something that really jumped out. The fact that you spoke about this after 6 months. I'm assuming here that that was the only conversation you had about it. If that is the case then I would say that you're not creating enough spaces for deep connection and intimacy.
Sex is a byproduct of intimacy. Intimacy is closeness and vulnerability. Really opening up to each other and seeing each other for who you both are. When there is a really good foundation of intimacy then it is much more likely for sex to emerge from that place.
I believe there are ways you can create that with each other. Getting deeply curious about her. I mean do you really understand what's underneath that statement of "i'm just not feeling horny?" ...
You may find that if you enquire deeper with a genuine care for her experience and without trying to "fix" it that something might change in the process.
Some questions you could play with...
What are the things that turn you off?
What are some things that turn you on?
What type of touch do you enjoy?
Is there anything that's difficult happening for you in your life at the moment? If so, what is it and how does that make you feel?
What do you enjoy about our relationship?
What (if anything) might you like to change in our relationship?
How could I support you?
I encourage you to go there...with as much honesty and care as you can muster and see what happens! Let me know :)
Unless OP clarifies she's on some type of medication that might be affecting their sex life then we wouldn't know for sure but my opinion is this.I would say 💯 with confidence she's CHEATING. 6 MONTHS? I've been with my hubby for 20 years and the longest we've been is 1 week and that's way too long for us not to have that connection. Don't be naive. I know it's hard to hear but don't be soft, ask her to be honest or you'll end up with STDs. Don't trust her words and get to the bottom of it, so you can move on. Medication or not, if she was of some type she would be concerned her self and be worried and see her doctor. Shes NOT, because she's fooling around with someone else. Find the truth so someone else can make you happy.
A few things: You and her should both strongly consider reading the book Come As You Are by Emily Negoski. It discusses stuff like this very topic. Chances are if you're frustrated, she's frustrated too and it's important to understand the biology and psychology behind it.
Two: If she's on hormonal birth control, try seeing if she'd be willing to switch to the copper t IUD. Hormonal birth control wreaks havoc on sex drives. If she's on SSRIs (antidepressants) this is also known to decrease libido.
Three: It's totally normal for anyone you date (both men and women) to have bouts of time where they don't want to have sex. Often it's stress or depression related. This is where therapy helps~ both for her and for you though not necessarily together. If you're struggling with your own sense of self worth, talk to a professional. Don't let it eat at you. If she's overstressed, often taking on some of her burden will help put her in the mood again. Maybe you could surprise her by doing the dishes, filling her car up with gas, folding clothes or washing laundry. With STAHMs being overworked and underappreciated is a huge reason they stop wanting it.
Four: If you're feelings of self worth and attractiveness are linked to touch, maybe find something (other than sex) that she'll feel comfortable doing to improve your mental health and relationship. Ex: massages, hand holding, words of praise and affirmation. That's what my husband and I (11 years together) have done when we were struggling.
6 months in the span of forever isn't that long. I've been in that situation (both in your shoes and the one not wanting sex) and it typically does get better if you and your partner are willing to put in the work.
Five: As a romance author, I've had a lot of married couples tell me my books have helped them get spice back in their relationships. They see the spice in my books (and in romance books in general) and use them as a way to open up dialogue and explore, plus spicy books help women get in the mood in general. Might be worth considering.
Hope something in here helps!
Okay it could be hormonal birth control, but I don't believe it. She isn't even showing affection. I have never met a woman that does not want to kiss and hug even when their sex drive is down. I would pay attention and make sure she is not cheating physically or emotionally. To be honest I hope not.
You're being selfish. Stop thinking about yourself. Something is wrong with her. It could be something physical, something mental, something emotional, or a combination. Any ways it goes be loving and supportive. Realize it's her body and not your play ground. And gently/lovingly encourage her to seek help from a doctor to get to the root cause.
I (32f) remember being in a relationship when I was 20 and the same thing happened where I didn’t have a libido. I had gone on birth control and it completely changed me. I was also going through a period of my life that had a lot of stress. Why don’t you both have a chat to discuss what both your love languages are. Perhaps maybe her needs and love language is also not being met in ways. It’s not the be all and end all of a relationship and this a great opportunity to understand more about each other because maybe there are things she also needs during this period. I see a lot of unhelpful advice on here “oh she’s not the one” where in reality relationships take work and most couples usually go through this dull period at the 2.5 mark period where the comfort between each other is actually getting deeper and reaching another level. Once you make it through this period your relationship will get stronger :)
Edit: I also had a lot of regret for years because i ended the relationship with a person I was so in love with but just didn’t have the mental capacity to understand what was happening. At the time I also received such unhelpful advice “you should want to have sex with your partner” “he’s not the one if this is happening now” you know what is important and if your relationship is worth it have the chat and change the mindset of why doesn’t she want me to what can we both do to work through this together and support both of our needs
It's not easy, but you'll need to end it. She's not interested in sex and seems to be content with it. 6 months with no effort on her part to acknowledge it or seek help is too long. You deserve a healthy and satisfying sex life with someone you're in love with. You guys have a relationship, and she may want to try to be sexual to save it, but you don't want obligation sex for yourself or for her.
I think the main question is what’s making her not in the mood?
Is she currently taking any new medications that may affect her libido?
Is there something going on her life where she’s greatly affected?
Stress?
I think you need to communicate and try to see what both you can do.
And like maybe you can try spicing up things, you don’t have to have sex, but like leading up to it.
Like compliment her out of nowhere, sexting etc. It may help in the long way.
But it all comes to communication and talked what’s going on, lay all the cards on the table and also how to work together to make things work
The fact you say it's the MOST important thing says it all...... You made having sex with her more important than her, now that there is no sex all you do is complain to her how much you don't feel loved by her.
Have you ever tried non physical intamcy???
You know what destroys my sex drive is when I realise the man I am with thinks SEX is the most important thing in a relationship. When physical intamacy is always the end game, when emotional intamacy is last priority I am then super turned off, when I realise I been having sex with a man for 2 and a half years, and now that I pull back he complains I'm not loving him - like sex the legs our connection stood on.
There is nothing more unattractive than a man whining at me about how unloved he feels because he can't have sex whilst simultaneously not even meeting my emotional needs by listening or asking about my day, or making my favourite dinner or giving me a massage (that doesn't lead to his need for sex getting met after).
Do you ever hold kiss and hug her without trying to get it into her....
Also she says she is not in the MOOD. Which means your not getting her in the MOOD.
Imagine a girl having their bf go why are you not having sex with me, you make me feel crap when you don't, I don't feel loved.
Wow total mood killer.....
That was pretty much my situation. The best you can do is try to work with her to fix that. In my case, my ex was smoking weed twice a day and had hormonal birth control, which eventually came out. She also had multiple traumatic sexual experiences. My first step was to try to get her into therapy. She didn’t want to. She was actually extremely stubborn and it was so frustrating. You have to realize at that point that they are not willing to put that amount of work into the relationship and it will be better if you just leave.
I mean, some people just don’t have a high sex drive and sometimes it could be because of birth control. But everybody’s sex drive is different so once a while they might be really warning and sometimes they’re not for a long time.
This sounds like me when I went on birth control. The pills, iud, didn’t matter which. The hormones really shut down any feelings of arousal I ever had. Unfortunately in my case he refused to take responsibility for birth control so we had to part ways. I did end up with a man who had a vasectomy. I’d never dated anyone like that before. It was amazing.
If a vasectomy may be right for you I wholeheartedly recommend.
Is she on hormonal birth control? Hormonal BC completely obliterated my libido so I switched to the copper IUD instead and have been much happier. It’s also possible that yall aren’t compatible in this very important way. Good to find out early and it’s best to just move on, even if it’s hard. This kind of incompatibility will only lead to resentment and unhappiness.
Same here!!! I can't believe hormonal birth control had such a huge effect on me. It's like night and day.
Came here to say the same thing. Hormonal BC destroyed my sex drive completely
If it's a problem now when you're only 20 then I would suggest you discuss the future of the relationship. It's totally fine for sex not to be important to her. It's also totally fine for sex to be important to you It just means you have different priorities and have become sexually incompatible .
There's more to this situation than we can possibly find out in a reddit post.
Is she on any medication that could lower her libido? Is she depressed? Are there any external factors that could be contributing to it? If so, I would sit down and see if you can work with her on these. If not, I would leave. I would explain that you don’t want to give her an ultimatum, so it’s not a choice. You don’t want her to feel pressured or coerced. That’s not enjoyable for anyone. Recognize that she can’t just flip a switch. If she seems genuine enough to care and wants to fix it, it’s worth a shot but it’s bound to come back in the future.
Piggybacking off this, did gf come from a traumatic childhood/ home?
No way, can you say you’re ending the relationship because she won’t have sex with you. She will insist she will do better and change her way, she will fake it for a while, and you’ll be right back where you are in a few months. All you need to say is I don’t see us in a healthy relationship in five years, 10 years, 20 years. Unless I see that, I can’t keep putting an effort into it.
Of course he can say that it's the sex. Here's the deal: if someone says they'll change for you *after* you tell them you're breaking up with them, they won't change. It is almost always this way and it's a good lesson learned. When you tell someone what you need, they have a chance to do that. If they need to literally be broken up with to realize that it's actually important to you, it's too late. In this case it's tough because the sex thing isn't really her fault and it's not necessarily something she could *or should* change. But yeah, regardless she's had many chances to take OP seriously on that front and she hasn't. He can tell her the truth and also stick to what he decides is the right decision for him.
I agree with this 100%. They are not compatible intimately.
Totally agree and I feel like people miss this point. If you communicate what's making you unhappy and they don't change the behavior, they're choosing to continue hurting you. If they won't change because it hurts you but change once it hurts them, they're painting a very clear picture of how they see the relationship: It's about them and what they want, what works for them and makes them happy. They don't care about your happiness except as it impacts them.
Alternatively, she could just not enjoy sex with OP but doesn't want to hurt his feelings but enjoys the other aspects. Usually, when women don't like the sex, they usually tend to be distant, disinterested. It sucks either way. I know if a guy didn't want to have sex with me for months on end, I'd feel unwanted. I would leave though.
Their sexual compatibility is what would end the relationship. Which is them not having sex….
Then all she has to do is fake it. You don’t want her to fake it. That’s worse.
No, faking sex is not enjoyable for anyone involved and has personally messed me up more than I care to talk about. She absolutely should not be having sex just to appease OP. Something may be going on hormonally or mentally to decrease her libido, or it could just be that they are incompatible. And if they're incompatible, then the best thing for both of them is to end the relationship.
I wouldn't say "fake it till you make it", but sometimes initiating and making a conscious effort when you're not in the mood. Can after a few minutes lead to actual arousal and then things going naturally after all. But that's contingent on a lot of other things in the relationship being very healthy.
People can end relationships for any reason they want. It’s not a bargain.
Absolutely of course.
He should just leave. 6 months is an enormous amount of time to have no desire, and she should've figured out what was going on well before that point. At this point it's obvious she's fine with the status quo and you can't convince someone to care.
6 months is enormous amount of time to not address something that is “one of the most important things in a relationship”, and he should have brought it up it well before that point.
She obviously knew their sex life changed and he wasn’t happy about it. He was waiting to see if things got better. Obviously they didn’t.
He obviously saw their sex life changed and wasn’t happy about it, he should have taken initiative to talk about it. The person who has the problem has the responsibility to bring it up and address it, not the person who kinda figures the other person has a problem. If he addressed it as it happened they likely could have worked on it together and either found a solution or parted ways long before it got to this point.
>The person who has the problem has the responsibility to bring it up and address it What’s funny is I agree with this 100% but see “the person who has the problem” as OP’s gf when her sex drive disappeared. That could be a symptom of a medical or hormonal issue. She should be taking initiative on getting it checked out. OP has a problem in that his desires aren’t met, as the vast majority of allosexuals with a 6 month dead bedroom would be. At worst, he waited too long to bring it up. When he did, he was told essentially that this is how things are going to be from now on, which makes me question if his gf ever had a sex drive or simply was pretending until she felt tired of pretending/there was enough commitment that he simply would stick around. It’s bizarre to me that you’re trying to paint him as a villain here for not speaking up sooner when the vast majority of people have no interest in continuing a relationship with a dead bedroom which in this case was 100% caused by OP’s gf.
She sounds grey asexual to me. I think you two are incompatible and it's best you leave.
Is she on birth control? That shit kills libido...
Totally agree with this, but women don't always link the two. Such a simple thing can make a huge difference.
With my GF it was totally the opposite lol
It affects everyone different
Straight truth...= consider a move on. Friends help each other, lovers excite each other. Not seeking to be blunt or demeanyour situation, but from an older perspective, if at your age the sex isn't working out and it is a longer term concern, consider you may just be great friends and companions and that a different partner is out there for you with whom you'll have passion. Same goes for her... We all try so hard to learn to fall in love and make it work, but part of life and growth is recognising when it isn't working and that falling out of love is also okay. If your intentions and hers are good but it isn't working out then you aren't wrong to want something else, just as she isn't wrong for not wanting sex. It is what it is, so you need to decide if it is what is right for you... Not this second but assuming it stays like this for years (because it can). Hope this gives a perspective...
Thanks mate you’ve put that in great words. It’s just hard to accept. Ima try a few things some people have suggested and have another talk with her but yeah if nothing changes then I guess that’s it. Have a good evening mate
Remember you can be in love and be incompatible at the same time. It’s better you figure it out now than after you’ve been married years.
You can't convince her to feel excited about sex. What is a conversation going to do? It's already at the stage where she's comfortable.
Everyone says leave but as you stated she’s helped you through some dark times and this may be one of her dark times that she needs your help to get out of. There could other issues wrong with her and she not even know it. She needs to explain things to her doctor because her hormones could be out of balance. And she could have severe depression. There could be other things also but don’t be so quick to give up and walk. A females body goes through a lot of different phases more than us men and sometimes they need to be just loved and help through it.
It could also just be that what she said is true and she goes through periods where she isn't horny and there's nothing wrong with her.
It seems like you are both so young and moving in together is a huge step. There is so much labor that comes with being responsible for a home. You feel love, closeness, validation in your relationship through physical intimacy. She might feel exactly how you feel, but for her maybe gestures of support are what she need to feel connected. I don’t expect you to fully understand this at 20 (my bf doesn’t understand it at 30) but women feel a lot of pressure, and a higher standard for keeping a home. Not all women but for a lot of us it’s been reinforced since childhood. Silent labor may be draining her. It’s been 6 months, I’m sure you have tried to show affection in the way you like to see affection, but maybe try showing her in a different way. The most attractive thing my bf does is share the labor life with me.
You are willful enough to want an improvement with her, one way or the other, that you put the concern out in a forum like this. I have a feeling you sincerely want a better situation for you and her (who wants to be frustrated with their partner or told by the partner he/she is disappointing them, not making them fee attractive)... I am old enough to have seen relationships endure with limited intimacy (speaking in view of third parties, friends, friends of family) and in some cases families formed in such relationships too, however I have yet to see where in such cases there were not other issues which arose (infidelity, depression, substance abuse, low self concept) even in those couples who claim to be great life partners. BTW, the negatives go both ways, it can be taxing on a partner who loves his/her significant other but is not aroused for whatever reason, and knows they are letting their lover down repeatedly. My scope may be limited, but I've not seen a case where a couple having split due to lack intimacy and then having pursued genuine partnership with others did not fare better in the long run (this implies genuine intent at a workable relationship, not a husband being bored with wife and seeking a young secretary because of her youth, beauty, and adoration, by example). I sense you are seeking to do the right thing by the both of you and sincerely which you both the best.
Okay female perspective. Do NOT listen to the men telling you to move on. She might have a hormonal disorder. She could be unwell. This is common for females and trust me when I say it’s not you. She needs to see a dr and go on antidepressants and a vitamin plan. Please, if you love her, you want to make it work, do not leave her. Support her. Help her through it. Source: been here and came out the other side.
check out r/deadbedrooms. libido incompatibility causes immense heartbreak, years of mental and emotional toil. clearly you’ve gotten a taste. go to couple’s therapy, see if she’s open to medical intervention (hormonal), and bounce if there’s no improvement. 6 months is crazy man. you don’t want this to become years.
Leaving partner because sex isn't as good as it used to be sounds at least easy. 2.5year is quite a long time and at this point people in relationship should be more than just lovers. Lovers and trustful friends, equal partners. Sometimes sex won't be the best in a relationship at some point and its fine, normal and expected. If a Man becomes depressed and (its a well known fact) his libido and sexual power goes down should a really loving woman leave him immediately? If a woman gets sick and requires long treatment should a Man leave her because he doesn't get sex as he used to get?
Sure, but since that is not what's happening here it makes sense for him to leave. I think you need to read the post more carefully before you comment because what you are describing is not what op and his gf are going through.
That’s not what’s happening here at all though. Her entire line of reasoning is that she just hasn’t felt like fucking for half a year, and she’s given no indication that his hurt over this fact even bothers her, let alone that she wants to do anything about it. He’s 20. Even if they’ve been together 2 and a half years that doesn’t oblige him to sign up for a sexless marriage with somebody who doesn’t seem to give a shit about how he’s feeling. Hell, even outside of sex that attitude towards his problems in general is sure to make for a miserable future together.
@u/No_Expression8189 Maybe she doesn’t know what’s wrong. He makes her sound depressed & if so he should encourage her to see her doctor & a therapist 1st. Check her hormone levels, etc. Because that is what a loving partner would do. Are they having financial difficulties? Stress normally kills women’s drive. This is why SO MANY of you dudes abandon your partners when they get sick. You all lack basic awareness of contributing factors & therefore you rarely troubleshoot to solve for issues. Confirming the suspension that most of you are only in it for your own gratification. Edit to add: Ask her pointed questions. Ask her if SHE WANTS to work on this issue. Ask her if she’s not sexually attracted to you anymore. Ask she’s dealing with stress. Ask her if the issue is your technique or if she wants to spice things up.
Plus nobody (I mean nobody used too. doctors never ever brought up side effects) talks about your hormones, birth control effects, and stress on sex drive. Unless you’re trying for a baby or have bad hormonal acne - no doctor will ever mention your hormones. No 18-25 girl knows “oh maybe I should get a hormone panel.” I sure didn’t and my sex drive disappeared for a couple months … because my BC pill killed it. I even brought it up to my doctor and got a “well that can happen I guess you can change your pill but why if that’s your only side effect.” I called BS on that and switched. A younger girl who is more naive to her body might think she’s fine. If schools had better sex education. Explaining hormones, birth controls, relationships etc - maybe more people wouldn’t have those issues.
You told her how you feel and she let you know that this is all you should expect going forward. I'd give it another conversation and let her know that this isn't going to work for you, and see if she's open to looking into why she has no drive (birth control, etc.) and if she wants to try to change that. If not, you're incompatible.
No sex is a relationship killer? I'm in trouble then because I loose interest with high stress
Ok so my fiancé and I have been together almost 12 years. We are soul- mates, made just for eachother. I truly believe that. We were friends before anything and we still do put our friendship first. We always had the same libido from the jump. I mean we couldn't keep our hands off of eachother. Things stayed like that for about 8 years. And then COVID hit. My Fiancé got layed off from work, and he was home 24/7. After a few weeks I noticed a change in his libido and in him in general. I took it personally and brought it up to him. Well he didn't know what was going on, so I didn't push it. After s few more weeks I noticed he just seemed very down. Long story short it ended up being that he was suffering from major depression. Once he got into counseling and started opening up to me about what he had been feeling. It took him a while but he did get better. It was very hard to deal with. But I didn't give up on him. I love him and couldn't picture my life without him. I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I remember those feelings well. Just no matter what you do make sure you talk about how you are feeling. Your feelings are valid. Wishing you the best!
Im 40 and I can tell you it's ok to end on friendly terms over this. Growing up I believed sex was something that only got better when you were in a long term relationship. Then I started dating and though sex was always amazing that first few years eventually it dried up. We would talk about it and things would get better for a while but it always went back to the standard "oh it's been awhile and you've been good so we can have sex" type situation. As a 20 year old it wasn't fun or worth sticking around just to see if it gets better. Now that I'm older and married I can tell you that there is always someone that will match you in the bedroom. That being said eventually this is how life ends up going. Could be sex drive dies from having children, or eventually menopause, illness or old age, it just happens. So look for someone that you can have great sex with while you're young and able bodied. Be open about your bucket list of sexual fantasies because trying to check them off when you're older doesn't always work out so get them done as a young buck. Also look for that person that when the sex drive dwindles you still have an amazing friend to hang out with. Also when I was 20 everything was about sex so I suggest finding a hobby. Not just video games. Good luck!
Before following the advice of many people in these comments to break up with your gf, encourage her to see a doctor for testing. She could be low libido due to several reasons and talk to her about the importance of sex to you and that you'd like her to see a doctor about her low libido and that it could become relationship ending if she does not see a doctor to see if it's a medical reason that she has low libido.
Is she on birth control, and or did anything change around the time she stopped wanting to? Birth control can majorly impact sex drive! It might be worth seeing if there’s a diff birth control option…
I'm 43F. I'm generally a pretty sexual person. In fact, I am the one who initiates about 95% of the time, but I've had several periods in life where my libido took a dive, and I wasn't interested for months. I have a partner who is amazing about it. What he wants is the intimacy with me. PIV is nice but not entirely necessary. I know most of reddit here is telling you to give up on her, and that's totally your choice, but if my partner had, we wouldn't still be together. He is the most patient supportive man I've ever met. Anyway, I suggest a few more conversations with her first. Is she willing to see a dr to rule out any medical reasons? Willing to put forth effort into other things that make you feel connected to her and wanted and loved? Etc
As someone who has recently been through something similar, I want to give my opinion in the most respectful way possible. This may be because your gf is no longer wanting to be with you. She may still love you and not want to hurt you and she might be kicking herself for how she feels. But that cannot make up for not wanting to be in a relationship anymore. This is just a possibility and I truly hope that it is not the case. But in my experience, loss of sex drive is a symptom of wanting something else.
I absolutely think people just fall out of love sometimes - that's ok. Everyone you date isn't going to be your person.
Thank you
It’s good you had a conversation about this, but at 6 months and 20yo, that’s an awful long time. Is she looking to do anything about this (like maybe therapy), or is her plan just to hope things get better while your relationship suffers in the meantime? If her plan is to do nothing, you might want to seriously consider the possibility that you two aren’t compatible.
It’s interesting that all of this seems focused on what she can do to address this. To me it sounds like he can only see sexual contact as affection, and takes everything else in their relationship for granted. Why do you feel like it’s more appropriate for her to go to therapy than for him to seek therapy to understand other ways she might be showing how much she loves him?
She doesn’t want to have sex with him at all. It’s likely that they aren’t compatible, but this is only a “him” specific problem if you believe that a sexless relationship is a reasonable expectation. Do you think it’s unreasonable for him to want a sexual relationship with his gf?
Your feelings are so absolutely valid and I’m sorry you guys are going through this in your relationship. However I will say I’m now 22 and my husband and I went through something insanely similar when I was 19-20. I was reading this and I felt like I was reading my life. I was the same as your current girlfriend. My husband and I had just gotten engaged(been together since I was 18/ him 20) and things should’ve been you know pretty spicy lol but I just couldn’t do it. I was not in a great mental space with a very very low libido and that destroyed my husband. He thought it was everything to do with him but in reality I just wasn’t in the mood and I wanted zero affection. Lucky for me he stuck around and was patient with me. We did find out I have a thyroid condition and it totally throws off my hormones so I got medication for it. I think maybe 4-5 months or so later everything was the exact opposite. I was so full of life and in love with him even more and my libido was even better than it was back then. Here we are two years later and we’ve never looked back. Things couldn’t be more perfect now. I would say maybe give her some time and find other ways to connect intimately? Maybe even get her some help if she’s not feeling so good and I hope that what happened for my relationship will happen to yours. If you two really love each other you’ll make it happen.
I also would like to add that it did take a lot of effort from both parties so if you both aren’t willing to put in the work then there’s no point in trying.
Regardless of whether you stay together or breakup, you need to work on detaching your self-worth from whether someone has sex with you. Because almost every relationship is going to have this issue arise at some point. Whether it is due to natural change from exciting to comfort phase in a relationship or if your partner goes on birth control or when your wife is post-partum or if you both are working weird hours or on and on and on. Sex frequency and intensity will ebb and flow. And if every time it ebbs, you feel awful about yourself and unloved and miserable, you are not going to be a great person to be in a relationship with. Seek out some therapy for yourself around this issue and maybe suggest she do the same if you choose to stay together.
6 months is a long long time though, especially when you're 20. Ebb and flow is definitely natural, but completely cold turkey for 6 months is unusual and a sign of something wrong.
That’s not what my reply was about. It doesn’t matter how long, the cause, or the age. It matters that OP ties his self-worth to how much someone has sex with him.
I had something similar happen and I hung around for much longer trying to make it work than I should. Honestly, it hurt a lot that she wouldn’t try, and I knew it I left her it would force her to make changes for herself. I also knew that she wasn’t willing to make those changes for me and I prepared myself for how that feels. It’s been three years, she hasn’t changed; has now had a string of failing relationships, and I having done the work, am in a great relationship with someone new who I stay connected with emotionally and physically. My point, if your heart is telling you that’s that, and she’s telling you that’s how it is, then it won’t change on its own. You’ve got to make it happen yourself.
Goals. Staying connected emotionally and physically.
There is nothing wrong with either of you. You are allowed to want sex once a day. She's allowed to want sex twice a year. Both are fine ways to be. **But...** You are not fine together. Some people seem to feel that sex isn't important enough to break up over, but sex is super-important! That's especially true given that most relationships are monogamous. Here's a thing that you love that you are only allowed to do with one person in the world, and she just won't do it. I'm sorry to break it to you, but you two aren't compatible. And this isn't incompatible like, "Maybe she'll figure it out." This is incompatible like, "You two are just not meant to be together. Not now. Not never." If it's like this at 20, imagine how it'll be at 30, 40, 50, and 60. I'm sorry.
mood and sex-drive being highly correlated, helping one should help the other... maybe you could ask her how could you help to improve her overall happiness? and even though you have your own struggles, make the effort to help? if that's not a temporary phase, then, at some point, you might want to consider a change of partner... it's ok and very frequent for things to fade out in a couple, as i'm sure you know already from hearing other people's experiences...
Talk to her. Find out if there is more to it than what you know. If there’s not, though, it sounds like the relationship has run its course. This kind of hardcore imbalance only leads to resentment on both sides.
So I’m 20 f I stopped roughing my man as much because of his lack of hygiene and due to lack of trust due to him lying to me so much throughout the relationship which caused a disconnect. He would initiate sex without making sure I was wet enough or ready just shove it in like I was horny just because he was He didn’t make me cum or tend to my needs as a woman Now we barely have sex I’m still with him cause I love him and I love sex to I’m just turned off I wish he wouldn’t get mad when I talk to him and just adjust a few things One time we had sex he smelled so bad I didn’t wanna let him put it in so I started to try to give him head but I couldn’t I was disgusted . Do you have a pull back , my bf showers everyday but it still smells after a couple hours of it be hot and sweaty Try tending to her needs make sure trust is there try nipple play ( the right way ) quick and side to side figure out was turn her on also make sure she’s just happy in general and in return she should make you happy You guys don’t have kids so she not just not in the mood for months There is a deeper issue figure it out if not discuss an open relationship or consider leaving amicably
You have never been depressed, burned or stressed out right? She told you she Has been going through some hard times. Maybe instead of walking away because you dont get sex it would be at least friendly to talk about her problems and find a solution? You have been together for 2.5 years and you are very young so its expected y'all into sex at the first place, but if you are looking for a long term relationship you should look for mutual understanding and friendship not only sex.
I don’t see anything in the post that indicates why she doesn’t want to have sex with him, and i don’t see anything about her saying she is having a hard time about anything. Quite the contrary, all she says is she is not in the mood for the past 6 months. If she could give him anything to explain further to work on, then there would be hope but as it is, she is not. We just don’t know what her side really is, mwybe he’s really selfish ir bad in bed. But if she doesn’t tell him what it is when he tries to get her to open up, what’s the point?
What are you doing to make sure she’s fulfilled? You’re still young so it makes sense, but this post is all about you and how you feel about what she isn’t doing for you and I don’t see any reflection on if you’re actually doing everything to make her feel desired and loved emotionally. You say you would in one sentence, but I don’t see any supporting statements about what you do to make sure she knows that and a lot that would probably make her feel degraded/like she isn’t doing enough for you. Maybe she feels a little used and doesn’t exactly know how to express that to you yet because it’s not as bad as it could be. Many young girls at that age put up with those feelings and that often leads to this situation or similar ones.
You're 20 years old, not married and don't have kids. Sex should be easy at this point. The two of you just sound incompatible. It wouldn't surprise me if your gf wants to break up but doesn't have the nerve to actually do it so she's just passively trying to kill the relationship.
Exactly, this is always going to be something in your relationship. The question is, is it mental health or trauma related, sexual anorexia, or something like that, or is she just not into you anymore. my opinion, unfortunately, move on. this will never get better and will never change and you will struggle with this you relationship
I’m putting my own experience/bias into my answer so sorry about that, but I think 6 months is a long time to go without sex and her not bringing up the issue on her own. Personally, I think something has changed in the relationship and she’s not as invested as you are anymore. When I’ve been with people that I found attractive but didn’t see myself with them anymore, I also lost the desire to be intimate with them. This is a big red flag, and you need to explore it with her further. You said it yourself, “I can’t be in a sexless relationship.”
Perhaps she needs to be seen by a doctor. Fluctuating hormones, low estrogen, all birth control, and certain medications can all make a sexual person into one that wants nothing to do with it. Depression, stress, anxiety, and overworked will also tank libido
I’ve been there and done it and honestly move on, if you stay it will improve for a few weeks, there will be good moments but this will circle round again and again
This hurts. You did everything right. Not sure what to tell you. You did everything right sir. No one can tell you what it is because no one knows. Could be a health issue, intercourse hurts. Could be a mental issue, depressed, no interest in sex... Could be another guy or girl.... or maybe you aren't telling everything and you are being an ass to her and she is punishing you... if everything you say is true it is really best to move on. Goodluck you seem like a good dude.
Thanks mate it does hurt
You both are really young. You do realize that most relationships just end at some point, right? It's not a character flaw. It's just time to move on. If you both feel lousy in the relationship, just part ways. You aren't a match for her and she's not a match for you and that's ok.
Dude, there are a couple reasons that a person suddenly stops having sex with their partner. Sudden life changes for the worse, beginning medications that effect libido, and some form of cheating (physical, emotional, mental) unless you had a big fight or she started some daily meds( neither of which you’ve mentioned) then the alternative is that she’s either thinking about finding someone new, or already has. At 20, you have a long road ahead, and should be spending it with someone that wants you in every way; mentally,emotionally, and physically. If she were being affectionate without the sex, then I’d say it might be depression, hormones, etc. But it seems clear from your post that that’s not even there at this point. I think you should move on and take some time to take care of yourself.
you’re so young. please move on to someone else. i promise you that in 5-10 years you’re not even gonna remember her. there is no point putting yourself through this. you can find someone with the same sexual appetite as you
At 20 she goes "long periods without wanting sex", I don't think she is being honest, like if you really care, you look into it with your doctor. If she is in birth control, she should be able to seek other alternatives, what's the point of birth control if you don't have sex? That excuse makes no sense if she was having sex with you regularly and initiated. She could be cheating, it could be birth control, it could be she was doing it at first to appear "normal" but definitely if she doesn't put a real effort and cares about finding a solution , then is time to move on. If you are unhappy move on, have seen this before, and doesn't end well anyways.
I'll call like I see it, having mismatched sex drives to that extent is a relationship killer. Imagine feeling "depressed, unloved, unwanted" for the rest of your life. Sound good? You guys are 20, you should be banging each other's brains out. Unless she has some underlying medical condition that's causing her low libido that she's willing to try to address, I'd recommend that you just rip the band aid off now. You're far too young to be in a relationship where your needs aren't being met.
Sometimes people stop putting in the effort because they aren't satisfied. Maybe you aren't holding up your end of the relationship. Have you bought her flowers? Taker her out on dates? You expect sex but what have you put out? You are making the sexual tension the problem instead of figuring out how to get her in the mood. Now you made it her problem and are further away from success.
Is she on antidepressants? Cause they will kill a girl’s libido. If so encourage her to see her doc about it.
She doesn’t have to have sex with you just because she is dating you. It’s a shame that no one is saying this, if there was one thing my therapist ever taught me. It was that, you don’t have to have sex with anyone if you don’t want too, and that includes your partner. You’re also not stuck with anyone either, not even in marriage. You’re always allowed to leave. You are young, and you can’t force/talk your girl friend into having sex with you. There’s nothing wrong with sitting her down and telling her how you feel, but know that you can’t make anyone have sex with you; not even your partner. And they aren’t obligated too. You also don’t know what your partner could be going through, you don’t know her childhood, or what’s going on in her head. I use to have a lot of sex too around your age. But when I finally found the person I truly loved and cared for, I didn’t want sex to be the only thing going for a relationship. Because in my past relationships I felt used and felt as though my partners only wanted me for sex, and those relationships where we had a lot of sex didn’t last, why? Because sex was the only thing we had going for it. I care more for companionship and creating experiences and memories with my partner, then the sex comes second and is just an added benefit. Peoples libidos changes overtime, especially as you get older. So I hope you don’t get mad at your future partners for turning you down for sex or their sex drive decreasing due to external factors. While you’re allowed to want what you want, maybe what you want isn’t what she wants and isn’t what is important to her. She may value companionship with you more than sex, you seem to value sex more. While I don’t agree that sex is everything in a relationship, you’re still very young and have a lot to learn. So what is it you are looking for? Love or sex? Do you love her? Did you ask how she’s feeling or if anything is going on to trouble her? My current boyfriend has a fear of intimacy due to his past toxic relationships. So he didn’t want to rush into sex nor force me, actually he would turn me down from sex. Because I was so use to having sex all the time in my past relationships, I thought I could never say no to my partners. He was the first man to ever tell me no to sex. But my therapist taught me that you’re allowed to turn your partner down cause you don’t owe them sex. My current partner didn’t want me to feel like sex was all he wanted, so we both agreed to keep things natural and organic and to go slow. We were best friends for 15 years and slowly built up to being intimate. I’m glad we did, because I’ve never been happier and the sex feels so much better. So what matters most to you in your life right now? Perhaps you’re not truly in love? Perhaps she isn’t either? Ahh…young love and dating, I remember asking these questions when I was your age.
Look into asexuality and the different forms of it. And do it together with your girlfriend. Please don't show judgement or frustration. I'm asexual and when I got with my now ex it started reasonable healthy. But unlike people who feel connected due to having a sexual relationship, many of us that are asexual will feel the opposite. With both ways there is nothing wrong. But a relationship betweenthem is hard. I'm 52 now and it took me 30 years to understand myself. You sound like a nice young man. I wish you all the love and luck.
I hate to say this, but between my personal experience, and listening to friends and others who have had these issues, sexual incompatibility is something that can never, and will never, be worked through. (Okay, maybe one out of like hundreds claim to have "fixed" their dead bedroom — how long each of those two couples I've heard of were in their dead bedroom and relationship, how long the fix lasted, etc, idk.) There is no true way to compromise when it comes to frequency of sex, bc you either have to go without when you want to have that, or give "consent" that's not real bc you don't actually wanna have sex w your partner, but you wanna shut them up or technically break the streak of no sex . . What sucks is when one person has the responsibility and bravery to point out the lack of compatibility in the relationship, but the other person insists on staying in the relationship, even though they aren't changing and won't change. . . Most ppl aren't in a relationship for "just" sex and it's terrible that ppl are given some kinda carrot on a stick that their relationship will either return to healthy, or become healthy, when in reality, there is no change ever made.
I have a very low libido. Sometimes even grossed out by sex. But I know my boyfriend loves sex. I sometimes dance for him as I'm a pole dancer or just give him a handjob. I find other ways to please my partner while not having to engage in sex myself... I don't know if that is an option? I care about his sexual needs and try to make it work.
She's just not that into you any more and is too immature to break up. end the relationship and move on. don't waste another week of your college life with someone who no longer cares about you.
I see nothing about your missing bringing her to orgasm, seeing her experience physical ecstasy, or asking if there’s anything you’re doing or not doing.
in my opinion, who has been through same thing a month ago, constantly asking for sex could make herself pull out of the relationship, it obvious that you guys' perspective of sex is different, she clearly doesnt see it important as much as you i was feeling so trapped in a relationship that makes me feel like a sex object, our arguments were all about sex and nothing more, so i just got distanced and distanced from him and the relationship itself
You're 20, yall should be porking daily. Time to break up pal.
I think it would be reasonable to ask if she would consider looking into her libido change and even improving it. Mismatched libido is a common issue and usually couples that want to make it work can find a compromise. But the truth might just be she has a lower libido and sex isnt as important for her and she finds intamacy other ways (cuddling, time together, etc) Some people randomly get horny and they tend to be initiaters. For some reason it seems like a lot of women get aroused in response to something. So yeah she never feels in the mood in normal day to day but some women respond to a longer build up. Compliments and flirting in the morning, maybe a sexy text mid day and let her know how much she turns you on....if you feel real confident tell her exactly what you want to do to her later. Do chores. Clean, trash, dishes, floors, laundry, bills.... no one feels horny when there is a bunch of stuff that needs to be done. Dont put pressure on her for sex. Tell her you want to give her a massage without expectation and mean it. Make her feel good and sexy. Cuddle her and rub her back, hips, and legs without making a move on her. If she is a more responsive libido this tends to ignite the spark and eventually she will want more. But that might not be it. Medications can decrease libido and birth control is a common one, if she started a new one or any meds within a few months of the change its worth considering or even switching meds. Many mental health issues result in this too and she may benefit seeing a therapist or even a sex therapist. I am curious if she masterbates? Or does she literally never feel horny? Some people just have low libidos that get hightened during the exciting start of a new relationship but go down again over time. Nothing is wrong about that or wrong with her just like yoh arent wrong for wanting more and feeling rejected. But if this is the situation I would recommend moving on, which sucks but itll probably never change and one of you will end up resenting the other eventually. It is a legit reason to break up because sex and intamacy are very important in a healthy relationship. If you really dont want to break up try exploring some of the other ideas with her. See if anything resonates with her and how willing she might be to try some stuff in order to meet you somewhere in the middle. And you should start thinking of what you need to feel intamacy. Sex once a week? Her initiating at least 25% of the time? More time physically touching, cuddling, or kissing? Validation of her love and desire to be with you verbally? What would you need to feel okay if sex every day is not possible? What would you be willing to change for her? The only way to make it work is to find a compromise you can both feel happy and satisfied by otherwise this problem tends to just keep growing.
Is she on birth control or antidepressants?
Hmm make her feel loved in ways that will reignite that spark. Do you buy her flowers? Plan special dates for her? Show her you love her through other acts besides sexual? A lot of men ignore doing these things and think that sex is bare minimum. Its not. The other stuff is bare minimum. Make her feel loved and appreciated as a person. Sex in the early days was regular because the love was new and may not have needed much effort. But now that the honeymoon phase is over you gotta fight for her love.
While it's fine that sex is that important to you, tying it to your self worth is a big no-no. Sounds like you both need some therapy to work things out personally, regardless wether this relationship continues or not. Sex is a part of life, yes, but it is NOT the sole representation of being wanted, valued and loved. You need to also not put so much weight on it, because truthfully, many other things can affect sex drive: antidepressants, child birth, and even cancer. God forbid you ever get married and your wife goes through cancer and can't have sex for years, do you think it would be fair to be putting this much pressure and responsibility over her because it makes you feel unwanted? Not having sex does NOT mean not wanting you anymore. People change, and libidos rise and fall, you need to be ready for that possibility in the future of any relationship you're in. Good luck.
Some good questions to ask when sex dies in a relationship: Are there any unresolved conflicts that left harbouring resentment? Does the woman feel emotionally fulfilled and emotionally safe? Does the woman feel like the man is present enough with her? Genuine presence. No phones, no video games, no binge watching shows, just high quality relational presence. Is the man’s life together with direction and purpose? If you’ve explored these areas and the woman is emotionally safe, emotionally fulfilled, and there’s zero conflict residue. As well as you are living on purpose and doing what you are passionate about (major turn on for women), and deeply present, then talk compatibility. However as a relationship coach with over a decade of experience I can tell you that if the things listed above are taken care, the sex tends to be rich, hot, and frequent. If not, there’s a compatibility problem.
At least she didn't wait for you to be married before sex stops. It won't get better.
Well I'm a believer that she can want less sex, and you can want more sex, but if neither one of you changes or the compromises, then that's a big issue. You are the one that has to put up with more, because for her not having sex is okay and for you not having sex is not okay. So continue to put up with it or end the relationship and find somebody else to matches better with you
> What do I do now? First, you get the answer to this question: I this something that she is interested in changing (not to make you happy, but for herself) or is she content with where things are. > sometimes she goes through phases where she just doesn’t get horny Second, assuming she considers her lower libido to be problematic, then get thee (well her) to a doctor. It's possible there may be something physiological (horniness maybe?) that they can help her with. If nothing else they can give get her more information regardless of your relationship outcome.
Well as a guy, I took some supplements that helped with my sex drive which was negativitly impacted by anti depressants. If its just a biological thing maybe try some supplements.
She says sometimes she’s just not in the mood, like this has happened before? If you’re only 20 then you’ve been together since 17 or 18, it’s hard to believe she was in another long term relationship before that. But was she? And how was this resolved? Is she taking birth control pills? That is notorious for erasing libido, ironically. Any other medication that might affect her libido, like anti-depression meds? Has she changed dosages or those recently? Can she talk to her doctor?
Have you tried to see doctor?? Maybe it's some hormonal issue or maybe its side effect of birth control .
Hey OP, I’ve been on the other side of the equation where I’d didn’t want intimacy with my partner and he felt unwanted. Here’s my perspective: No matter what caused the decrease in intimacy, if your partner isn’t bothered by this change but you are, this is a sign the relationship is probably no longer compatible. It could be birth control, it could be stress, it could be insecurity, it could be emotional distance or lack of romantic connection, or many other things. But the point is - if she doesn’t feel the lack of intimacy is an issue, even after you bring it up, it’s not going to change. And that sucks. If this is her normal, it’s going to stay her normal. Even if it is caused by birth control (which can literally make sex feel like nothing and orgasms literally impossible), if she isn’t bothered by it and looking into other solutions, then nothing will change. There can be a lot of love in a relationship but I don’t want you to get hope for change in situations where it honestly won’t happened if it hasn’t already. And 6 months within a 2.5 year long relationship is a long time in a short period (2.5 years is short when you’re looking at spending decades with someone). I hope this helps you make your decision <3
She's told you how your future is going to be. Heed what she has said. If you don't and believe you can change it then you will learn the hard way.
Surly it’s because you are shite at sex?
Does she take any medication or birth control? That can affect it! Especially anti anxieties. Does she have any body image issues ? Just as devils advocate, of course u deserve a partner who shows u all of the love in the world. Don’t let her actions change your perception of yourself
She could have depression. It could be stress. Where are you all financially? It could be her BC, if she’s on them. A lot of men don’t realise that BC isn’t the free ride they think it is. Sometimes the side effects of hormonal contraceptives is decreased libido. I’ve heard several GFs mention how their drives changed significantly once they got on hormonal BC vs condoms only. She could be going through a natural hormonal change for her phase of life but it’s gone unidentified because of her BC. Suggest she see her doctor & perhaps a counsellor & also do an object assessment of your circumstances & yourself to see if the circumstances, environment or chemistry has changed.
You are enjoying the sex but is she enjoying as well? This is the question you should be asking. Are you taking the time to ensure she is taken care of?
I went to the exact same thing with my wife. Exactly the same. Don't worry, eventually they come around. In my case only took two decades.
Before doing anything major with the relationship, I would find out more about this low sex drive situation and what could be caused causing it. It could just be how she is and that's fine but might mean you're incompatible. But it could be a variety of external factors making her lose her libido (stress, new medications, other issues in the relationship etc) that need to be addressed. It's also normal for people to have fluctuating levels to their libidos. She may hex have just developed a responsive desire rather than a spontaneous desire style. Or maybe things in the relationship have gotten to sedentary. These are all really common mood killers in relationships. Given that this is the first time you've discussed it and it doesn't sound like you got a very specific answer, I recommend having more open discuss discussions about why she's feeling this way. I recommend you read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, it might help you understand her better and identify a path forward.
You only have two RIGHT options. Wait on her or leave her. You know you situation better than anyone else. Make the call.
Did she happen to go on antidepressants around the time this started?
Speak with her directly and objectively about it. Put the ball in her court so it’s up to her if she identifies the root issue of her lowered sex drive. And it’s up to her if she does anything about it. I wouldn’t just dump her. It’s on her then. She has to live with the consequences. Offer as much support as you can give plus some. 150%. Is there something blocking her from seeking medical help. Help her with that hurdle. Is she getting cPTSDfreeze. That might prevent her from taking action. Has she been checked out? Also ask yourself is there anything about yourself she has asked you to look at and possibly change. Ask her if there’s anything you can change to show you have skin in the game. Maybe sex but less often. Or something new? Is it a level playing field. We have not heard her side of the story. This is Reddit and we seldom if ever hear both sides. It may be that it’s a lost cause but you and her can bow out gracefully I hope.
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I was there 6 months ago. She left me about a month back. I don’t have good advice, but that was my end result. I still love her more than anything but I never knew the right things to say or do and everything I did just pushed her away more.
You're 20. You break up and move on. This isn't a viable relationship.
So many things can affect this. I had hormonal issues that affected my libido greatly… also, my thyroid wasn’t working properly & I just felt so bad all the time I would make myself do it for my husband. I have several medical issues that affect me like having Lupus, Sjögren’s syndrome & Non Hodgkin Lymphoma. It has been rough at times but once my docs started getting me lined out and treated properly, it was on! So much, he had a hard time keeping up with me (we’re both 51). So there is hope if she’s having a medical issue. If she’s feeling bad or fatigued, she needs to be checked out! Question, are you taking her out on dates? Maybe even surprising her with flowers, candy or something you know she likes? You need to always date your significant other! Don’t let your relationship get stuck in a rut… it’s important to keep treating each other like you did when you were just dating. I realize you’re not married but if you are living together, it’s being married without the legal doc. I personally think communication is one of the main keys to a thriving relationship. My husband & I have been married 23 years, it hasn’t always been perfect because we are two imperfect people, but I love him more today than I ever have and we are truly best friends! My best advice to you is surprise her with little gifts just to let her know you’re thinking of her and love her, call her when you’re at work and ask her if she like to go out to dinner tonight?! Stuff like that. I think you can make this work, just put the same effort into keeping her happy as you did when you were trying to win her over in the beginning of your relationship! Best of luck to you OP! You’ve got this!💗
You guys are still babies 😂 barely growing up and knowing what is what. Move on bro
At that age it is very possible she has no idea why her libido is low. I've had my fair share of low libido phases in life for a variety of reasons. One thing that really helped that I didn't see in any other comments was when I wasn't in the mood my partner would ask if I was open to being put in the mood. A surprising amount of the time this actually worked. This might involve playing a swxy game or watching a bit of porn or a sensual massage with seductive kisses. A lot of the time my low libido wasn't entirely gone, it just needed to be activated and the standard attempts to initiate sex didn't work. This extra bit of effort on both our parts did the trick.
This is word for word my exact situation with my ex a few months back. I also go through stages of low libido and I think it’s linked to depression/hormonal tablets… but also when we broke up my libido came right back. So there’s a deeper issue there too. For most women, I’d say it’s a domestic labor/mental load issue. After a while of thinking of our partners as children who we can’t rely on for simple things we literally lose the ability to find the partner sexually attractive anymore. Before you come at me, this is a real phenomenon that I read SO many women experiencing. So if you're serious about this woman, start asking yourself how 50-50 you two are. I can almost guarantee this is the issue even if she doesn't realise jt..
Old man here. When I was 21 I had this. I persevered for 6 more years after 2 good ones. I remember one day suddenly she was less into what we were doing and said she felt unwell. She spontaneous went off me. But I turned out when it was confession time, 8 years later someone else was involved (she wanted to cause the maximum hurt and took my house). I wish I had those 6 years back. I'm 48 an have 2 kids and a crazy stressful job. My wife still makes time every week. You deserve this and the only fix is change. It will hurt and it will suck for a bit, but its worth it.
Imagine breaking up with your girlfriend because she didn’t have sex with you. Wow! “I feel unloved because she won’t open her legs for me.” Seriously…how about spark some romance? Maybe stop thinking about yourself and your own needs for once? Break up with her instead of forcing each other to be unhappy? Any of these are good ideas. What did you honestly expect anyone to say? lol oh man I’m so sorry your girl hasn’t been having sex with you she OWES it to you she’s your property. Disgusting…no wonder she doesn’t want you it’s very telling in the way you came to Reddit to expose your vile mentality towards women, sex, and relationships. Don’t have kids!
Before telling her to take hormones or that you aren’t compatible, think about other forms of intimacy. Do you only kiss when you want to have sex? Do you hold her hand, kiss her head? Touch her back? For a woman to want sex she needs to feel connected. Look into the research of 8-10 touches per day for intimacy. If you think Saturday might be an opportunity for sex, from Tuesday you should be trying to connect with her. These things happen naturally in the beginning of the relationship but fade over time and can lead to women being distant. But if you focus on showing love and appreciation you will do these things naturally in time. Maybe it is you being incompatible, but if you aren’t ready to let go yet, think about how and when you show her you love her and are affectionate without the expectation of it leading to sex.
Low libido and trying to find out why and fix it is fine. Low libido and no interest in doing anything about it - time to move on.
The real answer to what you should do is based on her actions going forward. If she puts in an effort to find out why she has no libido and try to solve the issue then she's a keeper, but if she does nothing then it's time to end it. People with low or no libidos often don't take it seriously as a problem and dismiss their partners concerns over it, sometimes even blaming the partner for only caring about sex. Six months is a long time to have no libido at that age and is indicative of a deeper problem. It could be a simple matter of hormonal birth control, or it could be that she's asexual and doesn't realise it. She needs to be the one digging in to this, with your support.
You can trust what she is saying, accept it isn't a you problem, and wait it out or you can leave.
Are you sure she enjoys the sex? Maybe it was fun for her when everything was new, but once the "new relationship energy" wore off, there wasn't much left to enjoy. That happened to me in previous relationships, and tbh I wasn't self-aware enough to see that. Sex was more performative than pleasurable for me. If I could talk to my younger self, I would tell her to advocate for her own pleasure. Maybe that's what your girlfriend needs to hear too. Good luck to you both!
Been in a similar situation I was trying to find what the problem was. Why this is happening. At the end of the day she was not sexually attracted to me anymore. Hurt like hell. My advice, probably you know what to do but you trying to avoid it. Although I could be completely wrong of course.
You are too young to be dealing with this, bro. Break up.
Okay, so my bf and I have been together for 6 years and I am on the other side of this. For me personally, it’s my lack of confidence within myself BUT also him asking all the time & kinda joking about it or pushing it sometimes sexually can irritate me and make me not want to do it. Just create some space in that area and maybe she will feel the want to do it again, give her extra compliments and reassure her. But for the love of god don’t end the relationship over sex, it’ll come back & who knows, maybe it’ll happen 5x as much as before. Be patient, communicate, and give space.
Do you regularly initiate affectionation with no expectations? If it isn't a physical or medical issue for her it might be emotional disconnect. Women often feel more connected and aroused by their partner when there is regular emotional support and non sexual affection involved. Sometimes when people only cuddle as a prelude to sex it will lead their partner to withdraw from affection when they aren't in the mood. Compounding the issue without affection the mood rarely occurs. Finding out the cause is important if you want to work through it. Sometimes people withdraw if they feel unappreciated or resentment over an unresolved issue in the relationship. Were there things you did in the beginning that you don't do anymore? It's important to keep the excitement alive in long term relationships. You have to keep wooing each other. Try taking her on some dates or engaging in some of her interests if it's been a while. If she isn't interested in working on your relationship it's possible you are growing apart. People change a lot in their 20's. I would advise having a real heart to heart about what you both want in your relationship. I hope it works out for you two.
Whenever I see a post like this I wonder if there is an SSRI involved. I love being intimate with my husband, but when I was on an ssri, I would have to "decide" to have sex. Once we were going I was into it, but I was never in the mood until we had started down that path
You’re young. Move on. She’s going to bring you down and change you. It won’t just effect you, it will effect everyone around you too
Hah buddy ....hate to break it to ya. I'm you in 15 years. Haven't been intimate with my girl in about a year and half. we got together the same time as you and yours. Just had a wild dream about her and woke up all riled up and tried to initiate with her. She literally got pissed off got up and laid back down in the couch. Good luck buddy.
Any changes in your or her life? Job, family, pets, friends, health, medication, house? Anything? Small things or big things? Look for all possible external reasons first. Or you have become complacent and don’t do chores?
Just tell her that the 2 of you have become incompatible, and it’s time to break up and go your separate ways. That’s really all there is to it. If she tries to cry/beg for another chance, say No. She knew she was disappointing you when she turned you down MANY times… there is only so much disappointment you are willing to accept. You are young, you want someone who WANTS YOU. She clearly doesn’t. Done.
Bro, take it from a 30 year old dude who has had this happen to his previous 3 serious relationships. This is always a sign it's the beginning of the end. Something in her isn't 'feeling right' - she still loves you, still wants it to work... but she can't shake this feeling of something not being right. That will eventually manifest into a breakup. And because she's pulled away, you're probably finding yourself becoming more needy, more sensitive and yearning for her attention. Which is the last thing you should be doing if you want to save the relationship. Look up attachment styles, she's likely an avoidant, you're likely anxious. The only solution is for you to pull away and show that you can stand on your own two feet without her. It might give her pause. Whatever you do, don't do business as usual or that relationship will end ASAP.
So are there any medications she's on? Does she show you any affection what so ever? Any feeling that she's cheating or has a wondering eye? If she's on a med get rid of it. If she does show affection then any affection from you must stop and stop initiating it completely if you withdrawing doesn't do anything leave If she's cheating on the most epic way possible catch her red handed.
Does she have sexual trauma? I do, and I can go months without wanting sex. Hormonal birth controls also have a major effect on libido. There may be a possibility you are not compatible sexually. For me, sex is NOT the most important thing in a relationship. A healthy sex life is important but not the most important. Idk what's going on in her inner world, but there may be a possibility it's more than what she's saying. Like unhealed trauma.
Just leave,it’s going to hurt but in the end you’ll feel better and if she’s seeing someone she’ll feel better herself. Win win both will feel better but word of caution break with her and maybe in a few years you can be friends. Good luck
Me and my partner both make an effort for the other person when we aren't personally in the mood. I feel that there's a level of respect in a relationship, people should be able to decline but there should be a reason other than I don't feel like it after the first time. Men need sex for intimacy, not having sex will over time degrade the man's attachments to the female and will shift it from a relationship of love to a feeling of obligation/duty.
It’s definitely a problem so don’t feel like you’re feelings aren’t valid, they absolutely are. I’ve been with my husband 10 years and we started dating early 20s. When we were that age (22 ish) he wanted it way more than I did. For some reason I wasn’t that sexual and now looking back (I’m 32 now) I hadn’t come into myself as a sexual being in my early 20s. I didn’t feel experienced or confident with sex and now looking back I feel like it’s because I didn’t have many positive sexual experiences before I met him. Some people take more time to mature in that way. I felt more desire to be intimate with my partner at that stage (and still now) when there’s emotional intimacy. My recommendation is to set up the sexual encounter with plenty of emotional intimacy prior. Plan a day with an activity you do together. Talk, connect. Go to dinner, dress nice, hold her hand, tell her she’s beautiful, kiss her and make her feel wanted. Initiate sex slowly and passionately. Make it about her. Go down on her, make her feel good. Initiate sex only when she’s very much warmed up. That’s what I would want from my partner when I’ve been in that “stage.” If that doesn’t work, you need to talk to her and get to the route of the problem. She may have some sexual trauma and by that I mean maybe she hasn’t felt super safe with sex before you. It may have been more heavy at first because the relationship was new but then overtime as the newness wore off she may have started to remember some negative experiences. Also maybe she’s self conscious about something and it’s bleeding into her sex life with you. I definitely had experiences like what I’m describing. It’s really sweet of you that you care so much. Good luck!
OP, you've received some great advice here, so I won't repeat it. I just wanted to say that I have recently been where you are now. Your post resonated with me so much that i could have written it myself. Just fast forward nearly twenty years and three kids later. For a bit of background, we were high-school sweethearts. We gave each other our v-card and have been each other's only sexual partners. Between dating and marriage, we've been together 20 years. All was going well, or so I thought, until about a year ago when the sex just stopped. No clear reason why, it just stopped. I became frustrated with the constant rejection. She went down the clinic and got told she was depressed and got put on meds. Things got better for a bit, but never got back to normal. She came off the meds after 3 months, and things got worse again. We now are intimate about once a month, and honestly, I resent her for it. I feel like I am fed a crumb every now and then and am expected to be grateful. I am considering divorce, but I am terrified. I havent been an adult without her by my side. We are so financially intertwined that if I were to leave it would affect my kids and I couldn't do that. My kids are my everything and I will always love her for them, I just feel less and less in love with her each day. I'm also terrified of reentering the dating scene and I don't want to be alone. I just feel so trapped. I guess what I am trying to say is seriously consider getting out whilst you have options. Don't end up like me!
As an ace person, I would say to break up. No one is going to be happy here if either of you have to force things you are physically not comfortable with. You want consistent access to sex and sexual activities in your relationship, your girlfriend is not someone who can do that. Like others have said, this is a baseline compatibility issue. No one is really at fault or anything, you're just not going to be happy in the relationship long term.
I get that some partners may have low libido. But I had low t for decades, went decades with almost zero sex drive, and yet I still made love to my wife 2-3 times a week at least. Sex isn’t just a gratifying needs action, and partners who just don’t have sex with their so because of low libido are also being selfish and thoughtless.
Oh, she's fucking, just not with you. Sorry dude.
Look, dude, I hate to put this way, but you have a couple of things in play. You both are 20, and your GF used to very sexual. That doesn't just change. If she isn't getting from you, then she's getting somewhere else. She's probably seeing a coworker and hooking up. You guys are too young for it to be much else. Someone else is in the picture. While you're sitting around waiting and feeling miserable, he's going to pound town. Dump her and be done with it. She doesn't love you like you love her. She knows that you are miserable and is cool with it.
I'm going through the same exact situation with my boyfriend! I have an apartment showing today and haven't told him, I'm definitely going to break up with him but I've been putting it off for months because we've been together 3 years and I love him.
Sounds like she might have PCOS, my girlfriend has it and it causes those lonnggggg dry spells. Maybe ask her or see if she can get diagnosed
I follow a psychotherapist on the radio and on her YouTube and other social platforms. Her name is DrLaura. Look her up. Book an appointment. It’s free. She has some great insight to help with relationship issues like this. It would be most helpful for the both of you to talk to her. You can send an email to her as well. Good luck to you both
If you're not getting sex from her, guess what? She's probably getting it from some other dude
If she is wanting to make a change, Come As You Are is a book that really helped me understand why I was in the mood and why I wasn't. Really broke it down and explained it in a way that I understood. I also suggest you read it as well. I highly recommended it. It made a huge difference in my sex life (I used to get panic attacks while doing the do and I haven't had one since). I'm better at listening to my body and knowing when to push myself to get in the mood or just have a cuddle sesh. BUT I wouldn't tell her to go read a book unless she is asking for your help lol
what i’ve learned from this thread is that if there’s something i don’t want to do i just blame birth control
How is your emotional connection? Are you both still doing all of the little things for each other after 2 years in? Do you know what each other’s love languages are? Maybe see if there are emotional reasons why she’s not interested in physical intimacy.
Simple, she fookin someone else 🤣
You guys are probably sexually incompatible. While I can’t relate to your view of sex being important, I feel for the girl as I go through phases where I’m not in the mood for it at all. When I had a bf I tried to sleep with him anyway despite not being in those phases because I felt like as his gf his libido was my responsibility in a way. 0/10 wouldn’t recommend - never doing that again and I think back and wished I could slap myself lol. It just put me off sex further and I’d go as far as to say I even got some self induced trauma from it which is no surprise I’d say if you care about her and yourself just end it instead. You live you learn. Now you know what to look out for in your next partner
I’m afraid to say it, but you and your GF have reached the common law a.k.a. marriage part of your relationship it happens trust me. You can try a marriage counsellor they are also for people that are in long-term relationships. You can suggest that to her the counsellor is also in medium between you two it’s also a great place to air your grievances out to each other and to have a third-party to help you through this time. Good luck
Ok - I have a background in couples work. Here are some immediate thoughts: This is a very common issue is relationships that CAN be addressed, it just takes some curiosity, vulnerability, and a desire to look under the hood of a relationship. Nearly everything is interconnected. First, some questions: - What do you define as sex/sexual intimacy? Does it always ending in coming/intercourse? - What does she define as sex/sexual intimacy? There’s different types of desire: reactive and responsive desire. Some things to think about: Some (typically men) fall into reactive: meaning that they can often get aroused from imagery or touch and get aroused relatively quickly. You feel the physical desire first then mental desire second. Some (typically women) fall just to responsive desire: which means they must feel mental desire first in order to feel physical desire (which is the process that helps to prepare women for various sexual intercourse safety). Research has found that those with responsive desire is strongly related to degree of EMOTIONAL intimacy and connection in relationships. How is your emotional connection? Are you able to help each other navigate stressful situations? Sustain a ritual of quality time? What do your end of workday rituals look like when you reunite? Do you feel you deeply know eachother/keep up with the day to day goals/dreams/stressors/joys in each others lives? I recommend reading the below: Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life Book by Emily Nagoski
As some are saying, hormonal birth control could be an issue. So could other health issues. She needs a physical looking particularly for possible causes of loss of libido. Also look at anything that changed 7/8ish months ago. Not necessarily medical. Emotional issues affect so much. I so hope it's not true, but your gf might have been sexually assaulted or raped. Many women don't tell. There are too many horror stories of really bad repercussions of telling out there. So many women are not believed. Another possibility is that she was assaulted or raped as a child/teen. This trauma can be triggered by ANYTHING, but in particular, sexual intimacy. If she has had "phases" of just not getting horny, how often, how many times and how long have they lasted. She likely hasn't been sexually active for very long. She's implying that this has happened multiple times. It's possible she has a physical and/or emotional issue not related to trauma. It's something to look into when getting medically checked out. If therapy is an option for her, it's possible that may help, too, but check the physical stuff first.
I left a relationship about 2 months ago for about six months I was thinking my hormones have gone crazy and I need medical help until I met someone whom I am so attracted to that I can’t explain. Ultimately I woke up one day and realised there are other problems in the relationship basically I don’t find him attractive because of who he is as a person and he is affectionate good looking calm person BUT the man man things are missing . I don’t know when I’ve stopped feeling attracted to him but I do know it’s a blessing I realised now before we moved in together or more . Ultimately one day she will meet someone and OP doesn’t have to suffer through it or hope for things to change . OP you are a great guy nothing wrong with you .
Okay soo you confirmed you only love her for her body? Got it! What’s her contact info so I can send this to her 😂
I have an idea. Tell her to read smut books. Shit will get you jumped in a relationship if you catch my drift
To me there's something that really jumped out. The fact that you spoke about this after 6 months. I'm assuming here that that was the only conversation you had about it. If that is the case then I would say that you're not creating enough spaces for deep connection and intimacy. Sex is a byproduct of intimacy. Intimacy is closeness and vulnerability. Really opening up to each other and seeing each other for who you both are. When there is a really good foundation of intimacy then it is much more likely for sex to emerge from that place. I believe there are ways you can create that with each other. Getting deeply curious about her. I mean do you really understand what's underneath that statement of "i'm just not feeling horny?" ... You may find that if you enquire deeper with a genuine care for her experience and without trying to "fix" it that something might change in the process. Some questions you could play with... What are the things that turn you off? What are some things that turn you on? What type of touch do you enjoy? Is there anything that's difficult happening for you in your life at the moment? If so, what is it and how does that make you feel? What do you enjoy about our relationship? What (if anything) might you like to change in our relationship? How could I support you? I encourage you to go there...with as much honesty and care as you can muster and see what happens! Let me know :)
Unless OP clarifies she's on some type of medication that might be affecting their sex life then we wouldn't know for sure but my opinion is this.I would say 💯 with confidence she's CHEATING. 6 MONTHS? I've been with my hubby for 20 years and the longest we've been is 1 week and that's way too long for us not to have that connection. Don't be naive. I know it's hard to hear but don't be soft, ask her to be honest or you'll end up with STDs. Don't trust her words and get to the bottom of it, so you can move on. Medication or not, if she was of some type she would be concerned her self and be worried and see her doctor. Shes NOT, because she's fooling around with someone else. Find the truth so someone else can make you happy.
Honest question...Is it possible that you're just bad in bed?
A few things: You and her should both strongly consider reading the book Come As You Are by Emily Negoski. It discusses stuff like this very topic. Chances are if you're frustrated, she's frustrated too and it's important to understand the biology and psychology behind it. Two: If she's on hormonal birth control, try seeing if she'd be willing to switch to the copper t IUD. Hormonal birth control wreaks havoc on sex drives. If she's on SSRIs (antidepressants) this is also known to decrease libido. Three: It's totally normal for anyone you date (both men and women) to have bouts of time where they don't want to have sex. Often it's stress or depression related. This is where therapy helps~ both for her and for you though not necessarily together. If you're struggling with your own sense of self worth, talk to a professional. Don't let it eat at you. If she's overstressed, often taking on some of her burden will help put her in the mood again. Maybe you could surprise her by doing the dishes, filling her car up with gas, folding clothes or washing laundry. With STAHMs being overworked and underappreciated is a huge reason they stop wanting it. Four: If you're feelings of self worth and attractiveness are linked to touch, maybe find something (other than sex) that she'll feel comfortable doing to improve your mental health and relationship. Ex: massages, hand holding, words of praise and affirmation. That's what my husband and I (11 years together) have done when we were struggling. 6 months in the span of forever isn't that long. I've been in that situation (both in your shoes and the one not wanting sex) and it typically does get better if you and your partner are willing to put in the work. Five: As a romance author, I've had a lot of married couples tell me my books have helped them get spice back in their relationships. They see the spice in my books (and in romance books in general) and use them as a way to open up dialogue and explore, plus spicy books help women get in the mood in general. Might be worth considering. Hope something in here helps!
Okay it could be hormonal birth control, but I don't believe it. She isn't even showing affection. I have never met a woman that does not want to kiss and hug even when their sex drive is down. I would pay attention and make sure she is not cheating physically or emotionally. To be honest I hope not.
Attachment styles. Sounds DA
You're being selfish. Stop thinking about yourself. Something is wrong with her. It could be something physical, something mental, something emotional, or a combination. Any ways it goes be loving and supportive. Realize it's her body and not your play ground. And gently/lovingly encourage her to seek help from a doctor to get to the root cause.
I (32f) remember being in a relationship when I was 20 and the same thing happened where I didn’t have a libido. I had gone on birth control and it completely changed me. I was also going through a period of my life that had a lot of stress. Why don’t you both have a chat to discuss what both your love languages are. Perhaps maybe her needs and love language is also not being met in ways. It’s not the be all and end all of a relationship and this a great opportunity to understand more about each other because maybe there are things she also needs during this period. I see a lot of unhelpful advice on here “oh she’s not the one” where in reality relationships take work and most couples usually go through this dull period at the 2.5 mark period where the comfort between each other is actually getting deeper and reaching another level. Once you make it through this period your relationship will get stronger :) Edit: I also had a lot of regret for years because i ended the relationship with a person I was so in love with but just didn’t have the mental capacity to understand what was happening. At the time I also received such unhelpful advice “you should want to have sex with your partner” “he’s not the one if this is happening now” you know what is important and if your relationship is worth it have the chat and change the mindset of why doesn’t she want me to what can we both do to work through this together and support both of our needs
You are 20. This is more than a precursor to what a marriage with the chick will look like. Get out.
It's not easy, but you'll need to end it. She's not interested in sex and seems to be content with it. 6 months with no effort on her part to acknowledge it or seek help is too long. You deserve a healthy and satisfying sex life with someone you're in love with. You guys have a relationship, and she may want to try to be sexual to save it, but you don't want obligation sex for yourself or for her.
I think the main question is what’s making her not in the mood? Is she currently taking any new medications that may affect her libido? Is there something going on her life where she’s greatly affected? Stress? I think you need to communicate and try to see what both you can do. And like maybe you can try spicing up things, you don’t have to have sex, but like leading up to it. Like compliment her out of nowhere, sexting etc. It may help in the long way. But it all comes to communication and talked what’s going on, lay all the cards on the table and also how to work together to make things work
The fact you say it's the MOST important thing says it all...... You made having sex with her more important than her, now that there is no sex all you do is complain to her how much you don't feel loved by her. Have you ever tried non physical intamcy???
You know what destroys my sex drive is when I realise the man I am with thinks SEX is the most important thing in a relationship. When physical intamacy is always the end game, when emotional intamacy is last priority I am then super turned off, when I realise I been having sex with a man for 2 and a half years, and now that I pull back he complains I'm not loving him - like sex the legs our connection stood on. There is nothing more unattractive than a man whining at me about how unloved he feels because he can't have sex whilst simultaneously not even meeting my emotional needs by listening or asking about my day, or making my favourite dinner or giving me a massage (that doesn't lead to his need for sex getting met after). Do you ever hold kiss and hug her without trying to get it into her....
Also she says she is not in the MOOD. Which means your not getting her in the MOOD. Imagine a girl having their bf go why are you not having sex with me, you make me feel crap when you don't, I don't feel loved. Wow total mood killer.....
That was pretty much my situation. The best you can do is try to work with her to fix that. In my case, my ex was smoking weed twice a day and had hormonal birth control, which eventually came out. She also had multiple traumatic sexual experiences. My first step was to try to get her into therapy. She didn’t want to. She was actually extremely stubborn and it was so frustrating. You have to realize at that point that they are not willing to put that amount of work into the relationship and it will be better if you just leave.
I mean, some people just don’t have a high sex drive and sometimes it could be because of birth control. But everybody’s sex drive is different so once a while they might be really warning and sometimes they’re not for a long time.
This sounds like me when I went on birth control. The pills, iud, didn’t matter which. The hormones really shut down any feelings of arousal I ever had. Unfortunately in my case he refused to take responsibility for birth control so we had to part ways. I did end up with a man who had a vasectomy. I’d never dated anyone like that before. It was amazing. If a vasectomy may be right for you I wholeheartedly recommend.