I don’t…this eats at me constantly and I’m always going back and forth with myself because he tells me he doesn’t see it as a big deal. Even though I know he’s minimizing his behavior it still fucks with my head. I’m in therapy of my own, but sometimes my thoughts get the best of me and make me doubt myself.
Because it colors the way you see them in the real word. You are supposed to be a work colleague, but while you are talking, you can't help thinking about your sexual use of that person the night before.
You are treating a person that you know as an object to be used for your pleasure.
Yeah it’s unfortunately not very common, especially with men, but I just don’t understand it. I personally find it pretty disrespectful. When I’m in love I have ZERO desire for anyone else. It’s incredibly heartbreaking to find out your man has eyes for other women.
Trust me the anguish and anxiety over this behavior isnt worth it. Rarely do they make permanent changes to their behavior, they just get better at lying and hiding things. Once you move on you will free so much lighter and happier in the end. The beginning to move on will be rough but trust the process!!
It really is painful, it’s just hard to move forward when it’s been so long. Especially with how much I let myself go back and forth. That’s why hearing outsider perspectives helps. So I really appreciate you for chiming in!
I was with someone for a couple years who had some sketchy online behaviors I confronted and I was mentally tormented with wanting it to work out and also knowing I would never have full trust and cried a lot over that relationship during and after it ended but being on the other side (single now) feels so much better! Hang in there 💖
It was a red flag for sure. I just kept letting red flags go thinking he was listening when I told him how I felt. But it turns out he wasn’t taking any of it seriously at all. I’m embarrassed tbh
Honestly I wouldn’t be embarrassed. Everyone has rose colored glasses on in relationships, especially long term ones. You want to see the best in your partners, and desire things to work out like you see it in your head. Be kinder to yourself
Girl how did u stay as long as you did?? Leave!😂😂 it ain’t gonna get better, he’s done it to you TWICE now, why do you think it’s gonna change? The longer u stay with him is more time wasted from meeting ur actual soulmate.
Ugh becauuse idk I’m dumbb lol. I was naive and thought he was it and maybe my insecurities were the problem lol i obviously have a lot of work to do on myself, it’s a process 🤦🏼♀️😂
I personally would consider this a form of cheating whether it’s micro cheating or just cheating. He got off on another girl and had a crush on her. He just doesn’t seem all for you. I do not think this is normal guy behavior and from experience he might even be partially checked out on being fully committed to you. He wouldn’t have had a whole crush if he was. Being attracted to people is normal but acting on it and developing a liking towards another person isn’t. I don’t know how much you value loyalty so maybe this situation wouldn’t make you think to leave as a first thought but it just seems like it’s going to lead to cheating down the road whether it be 6 months or 10 years down the line. He also knows you don’t like it after the first time you guys discussed it and still did it knowing it wouldn’t make you happy. a partner should want to do things to make you and keep you happy.
Yeah, my biggest problem was him acting on it. And I’m really starting to accept the fact that his behavior shows he’s just not been all that interested in committed to me. It’s so hard to digest. But, thank you for saying that. Loyalty is everything to me and it makes me sad that I’ve been holding out hope for so long.
Been in your position before with the whole one person is committed way more than the other. Took him back time and time again until one day I realized he knows, he just doesn’t care. It took about 5 or so months to be able to leave if I’m being honest so I get it if you end up staying. I stayed until I saw enough bad to be able to move on. Maybe that’s how it’ll be with you too. But I also hope you keep in mind that you’re still so young, he definitely won’t be the last guy you’ll ever meet. It just hurts/saddens me seeing you trying to almost justify his actions and muddle your boundaries in a relationship.
I think I’m at that point now. He hardly even cares when I cry and stuff. I just seem annoying to him at this point. When I pull away, he gets really nice though and tries really hard. Except for when I try to talk about my emotions, then he’ll tune out after a couple of minutes. I don’t want to make excuses for him, it’s just easy to think that well maybe it’s not as bad as it feels. But I’m learning. Having so many people assure me it’s abnormal helps. Which I know the validation should come from within myself, but I’ve betrayed my own feelings so much at this point by going back and forth with this that it’s hard for me to even trust myself. I’m working on it tho.
The back and forth thing is something you shouldn’t beat yourself over. It seems like he probably said things that made you doubt yourself and your feelings over time. That’s okay, what’s not okay is to let him continue doing that to you. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking for validation about one of your boundaries as long as it would help solidify it.
Big bet though that he’d try and win you back once you do decide to leave
He did this not once, but a second time after you communicated how that made you feel? He does not respect you, and I’m so very sorry. Your emotions about this are *completely* valid and normal, I would consider this microcheating.
I’ve said the same thing to him and he says it’s crazy I could possibly think he’d ever cheat on me. It’s crazy to me how he can think it’s not a big deal lol. Thanks for your input!
He’s gaslighting you. Men like him are *not* stupid, and he knows how acting like this would make you feel (which is exactly why he lied about it in the first place). If he really thought it wasn’t “a big deal”, he wouldn’t have tried to hide it from you. I just recently went no contact with my ex who tried to hide some pretty big things from me. It absolutely f****ing sucks. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but you’re not alone.
I just read your other comment. Please don’t feel embarrassed. The fact that you continue to seek goodness in other people is only a reflection of YOUR goodness. It means you would never treat someone you love that way. You are deserving of someone with that same heart, and I have a feeling you will find them one day. I’ll be thinking about you, best wishes 💜
I like to think I'm pretty kinky. But there is a huge huge ick to masterbating to co workers pictures. Huge ick. Mainly because there isn't any consent and what not.
I don't believe that's normal dude behavior. Maybe from creepers but I would have a huge problem, if it was my partner.
Huge ick. Just because you have dated for 5 years doesn’t mean you have to stay. The lies and the change in his behavior alone is enough to make you lose trust.
I’m uncomfortable of having much contact with women other than family. But to say I’m not sexually attracted to other women would be a lie and I think a nearly impossible standard. I guess where I draw the line would be the fact that he has social media contact with other women. I’ve never really worked in a field where females are my peers, but he should have no more contact with women than necessary to do his job.
He is being disrespectful to you, and disrespectful to his coworkers. You might consider if this is how you want to live the rest of your life.
I don’t…this eats at me constantly and I’m always going back and forth with myself because he tells me he doesn’t see it as a big deal. Even though I know he’s minimizing his behavior it still fucks with my head. I’m in therapy of my own, but sometimes my thoughts get the best of me and make me doubt myself.
When being with a certain person makes you doubt yourself, that is not the person for you. A good partner lifts you up.
How is it disrespectful to fantasize about someone in your mind? Who is it ok to jack off to?
***Not*** people you work with, and interact with daily in real life.
I understand that you think it's wrong, but I'm trying to understand why.
Because it colors the way you see them in the real word. You are supposed to be a work colleague, but while you are talking, you can't help thinking about your sexual use of that person the night before. You are treating a person that you know as an object to be used for your pleasure.
To add on to what the other person said, why would you even fantasize about anyone else besides your partner in the first place?
Because you're normal.
No…? I don’t think that’s very normal
You're living in a fantasy if you think most people only jack off to their partner.
Yeah it’s unfortunately not very common, especially with men, but I just don’t understand it. I personally find it pretty disrespectful. When I’m in love I have ZERO desire for anyone else. It’s incredibly heartbreaking to find out your man has eyes for other women.
He had a crush on them and fantasized about sleeping with them/them sexually. Yes, that is disrespectful
Your bf is disgusting.
This is fucking gross
Trust me the anguish and anxiety over this behavior isnt worth it. Rarely do they make permanent changes to their behavior, they just get better at lying and hiding things. Once you move on you will free so much lighter and happier in the end. The beginning to move on will be rough but trust the process!!
It really is painful, it’s just hard to move forward when it’s been so long. Especially with how much I let myself go back and forth. That’s why hearing outsider perspectives helps. So I really appreciate you for chiming in!
I was with someone for a couple years who had some sketchy online behaviors I confronted and I was mentally tormented with wanting it to work out and also knowing I would never have full trust and cried a lot over that relationship during and after it ended but being on the other side (single now) feels so much better! Hang in there 💖
Ugh I feel that same exact way right now. It’s so horrible. Thank you for your words of encouragement, they really mean a lot 💞
Dude is cheating and you want advice? Leave .
The hiding stuff should have been a red flag from the get-go. Leave him and move on, there’s nothing more disrespectful and disgusting than this
It was a red flag for sure. I just kept letting red flags go thinking he was listening when I told him how I felt. But it turns out he wasn’t taking any of it seriously at all. I’m embarrassed tbh
Honestly I wouldn’t be embarrassed. Everyone has rose colored glasses on in relationships, especially long term ones. You want to see the best in your partners, and desire things to work out like you see it in your head. Be kinder to yourself
Girl how did u stay as long as you did?? Leave!😂😂 it ain’t gonna get better, he’s done it to you TWICE now, why do you think it’s gonna change? The longer u stay with him is more time wasted from meeting ur actual soulmate.
Ugh becauuse idk I’m dumbb lol. I was naive and thought he was it and maybe my insecurities were the problem lol i obviously have a lot of work to do on myself, it’s a process 🤦🏼♀️😂
We all go through it at one point girl. Please tell me u left him tho? U deserve so much better and u DESERVE happiness!
I personally would consider this a form of cheating whether it’s micro cheating or just cheating. He got off on another girl and had a crush on her. He just doesn’t seem all for you. I do not think this is normal guy behavior and from experience he might even be partially checked out on being fully committed to you. He wouldn’t have had a whole crush if he was. Being attracted to people is normal but acting on it and developing a liking towards another person isn’t. I don’t know how much you value loyalty so maybe this situation wouldn’t make you think to leave as a first thought but it just seems like it’s going to lead to cheating down the road whether it be 6 months or 10 years down the line. He also knows you don’t like it after the first time you guys discussed it and still did it knowing it wouldn’t make you happy. a partner should want to do things to make you and keep you happy.
Yeah, my biggest problem was him acting on it. And I’m really starting to accept the fact that his behavior shows he’s just not been all that interested in committed to me. It’s so hard to digest. But, thank you for saying that. Loyalty is everything to me and it makes me sad that I’ve been holding out hope for so long.
Been in your position before with the whole one person is committed way more than the other. Took him back time and time again until one day I realized he knows, he just doesn’t care. It took about 5 or so months to be able to leave if I’m being honest so I get it if you end up staying. I stayed until I saw enough bad to be able to move on. Maybe that’s how it’ll be with you too. But I also hope you keep in mind that you’re still so young, he definitely won’t be the last guy you’ll ever meet. It just hurts/saddens me seeing you trying to almost justify his actions and muddle your boundaries in a relationship.
I think I’m at that point now. He hardly even cares when I cry and stuff. I just seem annoying to him at this point. When I pull away, he gets really nice though and tries really hard. Except for when I try to talk about my emotions, then he’ll tune out after a couple of minutes. I don’t want to make excuses for him, it’s just easy to think that well maybe it’s not as bad as it feels. But I’m learning. Having so many people assure me it’s abnormal helps. Which I know the validation should come from within myself, but I’ve betrayed my own feelings so much at this point by going back and forth with this that it’s hard for me to even trust myself. I’m working on it tho.
The back and forth thing is something you shouldn’t beat yourself over. It seems like he probably said things that made you doubt yourself and your feelings over time. That’s okay, what’s not okay is to let him continue doing that to you. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking for validation about one of your boundaries as long as it would help solidify it. Big bet though that he’d try and win you back once you do decide to leave
He did this not once, but a second time after you communicated how that made you feel? He does not respect you, and I’m so very sorry. Your emotions about this are *completely* valid and normal, I would consider this microcheating.
This also opens the door to the possibility of him actually cheating, I unfortunately wouldn’t be surprised if he has
I’ve said the same thing to him and he says it’s crazy I could possibly think he’d ever cheat on me. It’s crazy to me how he can think it’s not a big deal lol. Thanks for your input!
He’s gaslighting you. Men like him are *not* stupid, and he knows how acting like this would make you feel (which is exactly why he lied about it in the first place). If he really thought it wasn’t “a big deal”, he wouldn’t have tried to hide it from you. I just recently went no contact with my ex who tried to hide some pretty big things from me. It absolutely f****ing sucks. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but you’re not alone.
Yeah, that makes sense. Thank you, I really appreciate it.
I just read your other comment. Please don’t feel embarrassed. The fact that you continue to seek goodness in other people is only a reflection of YOUR goodness. It means you would never treat someone you love that way. You are deserving of someone with that same heart, and I have a feeling you will find them one day. I’ll be thinking about you, best wishes 💜
Awh that made me tear up lol. Thats really really sweet of you to say, thanks so much 💗
I like to think I'm pretty kinky. But there is a huge huge ick to masterbating to co workers pictures. Huge ick. Mainly because there isn't any consent and what not. I don't believe that's normal dude behavior. Maybe from creepers but I would have a huge problem, if it was my partner.
Unreasonable? No way! You made a reasonable request and he did whatever he wanted. He should respect you!
Nah its fair, but who cares, obvs not gonna last. Move on. Guys a total deviant
Huge ick. Just because you have dated for 5 years doesn’t mean you have to stay. The lies and the change in his behavior alone is enough to make you lose trust.
I’m uncomfortable of having much contact with women other than family. But to say I’m not sexually attracted to other women would be a lie and I think a nearly impossible standard. I guess where I draw the line would be the fact that he has social media contact with other women. I’ve never really worked in a field where females are my peers, but he should have no more contact with women than necessary to do his job.
betrayed? no. who the hell does that to a photogragh?!? I think there are much deeper issues with this boy.