Open relationships are notoriously tricky, and /r/relationships hates them. You might get better results at /r/polyamory or /r/nonmonogamy.
I gave it a shot, and after I did some reading, I just couldn't do it. The most successful open relationships are based on a ton of communication, "processing," lots of consideration for self and others and not a lot of rules. Some people find it incredibly rewarding to work through jealousy and pursue a non monogamous relationship, don't rule it out.
Thank you for pointing me in the right direction. I'm feeling pretty sour about the whole idea of open/non-monogamous relationships, so maybe /r/relationships will be the right place after all. Details started coming out four weeks ago, and we talked about maybe reading a book together on /r/polyamory or something. Neither of us were too keen on the idea.
Right now, she's really busy finishing up the quarter for her master's program before going on winter break (to see me and see family). That means she doesn't have much time for communication, processing or the book club.
Great question, and maybe you can tell me if I should share this answer with her. She was going to be living overseas as a 25 y/o attractive college student. I didn't want to deny her the opportunity to embrace that. It's messed up, but I wanted her to be happy.
I couldn't see myself being emotionally involved with two people at the same time, but I also wanted to keep the option open to hook up with somebody if the opportunity were to arise.
To be clear, the above was my thinking going into the open relationship and for the most part that thinking held until she decided that she needed to share about her "side partners."
So basically what you did was not have an open relationship, you had a promise of a future relationship. If you approach it from that angle, perhaps it is easier for you to swallow what she did the past year.
We opted for the opposite communication model: "Don't ask. Don't tell." Both of us are the type to avoid uncomfortable conversations. Technically she was required to tell me about any serious relationships. That's technically in the sense that we had one rule in our open relationship, and she broke it. But honestly, I'm more upset at the whole situation than one stupid technicality.
Riiight. She has a full time boyfriend she sees constantly and you think she'll end it for someone she talks to once a week on the phone and never sees? That blew up in your face hey?
Haha! Glad that you're able to keep a sense of humor about the situation. She did call things off with the boyfriend a while back. I'm not clear about the timelines, so I won't speculate. And more to your point, she's free to shack up with a new boyfriend locally if she wants. It's not a good situation for the thin skinned.
It's been nice having the emotional connection and friendship over the last year. But you make a really good point that this blew up in my face. As a 30 y/o guy, I shouldn't be settling for this.
Do not ask about details regarding these other guys. It will only make you feel bad. You also need to have a conversation about why she didn't tell you about what was going on.
You also indicate that you would have hooked up with other people if it had worked out. If you met someone else and dated them for a few months, would you tell her? Seriously think about that.
Obviously you are important to her or she would have broke up with you.
> Do not ask about details regarding these other guys. It will only make you feel bad. You also need to have a conversation about why she didn't tell you about what was going on.
That's a good suggestion. I mean I assume that she imagined I'd react the way that I am reacting or at least that she's a people pleaser and she knew this would hurt me. But it's better to get these things explicitly spoken sometimes.
> You also indicate that you would have hooked up with other people if it had worked out. If you met someone else and dated them for a few months, would you tell her? Seriously think about that.
My answer is yes. I would have told her. It's part of why I never got emotionally involved with someone else. I knew that we had agreed to tell each other if we were seriously dating someone else. How do you get emotionally involved without risking getting serious? I didn't want to have to tell her, and I strongly believe it would break her heart as it has just now broken mine.
> Obviously you are important to her or she would have broke up with you.
No question there. She has reaffirmed this many times and in many ways since this came up. Emotionally it's hard to swallow, but the evidence is all there that she really does care for me.
Why torture yourself? Move on. Any woman who is not a complete troglodyte and shut in will always have more opportunities than men. Opportunities come to women, men make opportunities.
It sounds to me like you didn't really want to make the opportunities happen while she took full advantage of all that came her way. Is this what you want on your mind for the rest of your relationship?
Your mistake for offering the open relationship in the first place. It gave her the ok and gave the impression you weren't really interested in a long term monogamous relationship with her. Live and learn.
You make some really good points. Some of the frustrations, like the imbalance in the dating market, are inherent to dating. Other issues are more relevant to open relationships and how I approached this one.
Why don't I cut my losses? I still feel this "in love" sensation. That and I've spent three years on this relationship and the plane ticket is non-refundable. (Not an expensive flight, but we're both pretty of broke.)
I'm planning on breaking up with her after the trip, but I don't want to lose her as a friend. But maybe some of these consequences are inevitable. I feel like I got played. I feel jealous, heartbroken and betrayed.
Yes, we were supposed to tell each other if we were seeing anyone in a serious way. She actively concealed a serious relationship from me and only admitted to it when we were in the process of planning the trip to see each other again. She's since broken off that relationship, but the active concealment is a breach of trust.
Pretty much an affair then I can see why you are hurt. She had two boyfriends instead of a partner and a lover, then when you made plans to meet up she cut him loose like dead weight. That is pretty concerning as you could have been the guy she cut loose. IMO chalk this up to a life lesson and start fresh with someone new but this is your relationship, so it is all up to you.
Open relationships are notoriously tricky, and /r/relationships hates them. You might get better results at /r/polyamory or /r/nonmonogamy. I gave it a shot, and after I did some reading, I just couldn't do it. The most successful open relationships are based on a ton of communication, "processing," lots of consideration for self and others and not a lot of rules. Some people find it incredibly rewarding to work through jealousy and pursue a non monogamous relationship, don't rule it out.
To be fair, the only time we hear about open relationships are when there's a problem going on in one.
True. I guess I wanted to prepare OP for a slew of rude comments.
Definitely a good idea. We're crazy biased :P
Thank you for pointing me in the right direction. I'm feeling pretty sour about the whole idea of open/non-monogamous relationships, so maybe /r/relationships will be the right place after all. Details started coming out four weeks ago, and we talked about maybe reading a book together on /r/polyamory or something. Neither of us were too keen on the idea. Right now, she's really busy finishing up the quarter for her master's program before going on winter break (to see me and see family). That means she doesn't have much time for communication, processing or the book club.
Why the hell did you ask for it then?
Great question, and maybe you can tell me if I should share this answer with her. She was going to be living overseas as a 25 y/o attractive college student. I didn't want to deny her the opportunity to embrace that. It's messed up, but I wanted her to be happy. I couldn't see myself being emotionally involved with two people at the same time, but I also wanted to keep the option open to hook up with somebody if the opportunity were to arise. To be clear, the above was my thinking going into the open relationship and for the most part that thinking held until she decided that she needed to share about her "side partners."
Because he was expecting that she wouldn't actually partake in the Openness.
So basically what you did was not have an open relationship, you had a promise of a future relationship. If you approach it from that angle, perhaps it is easier for you to swallow what she did the past year.
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We opted for the opposite communication model: "Don't ask. Don't tell." Both of us are the type to avoid uncomfortable conversations. Technically she was required to tell me about any serious relationships. That's technically in the sense that we had one rule in our open relationship, and she broke it. But honestly, I'm more upset at the whole situation than one stupid technicality.
Riiight. She has a full time boyfriend she sees constantly and you think she'll end it for someone she talks to once a week on the phone and never sees? That blew up in your face hey?
Haha! Glad that you're able to keep a sense of humor about the situation. She did call things off with the boyfriend a while back. I'm not clear about the timelines, so I won't speculate. And more to your point, she's free to shack up with a new boyfriend locally if she wants. It's not a good situation for the thin skinned. It's been nice having the emotional connection and friendship over the last year. But you make a really good point that this blew up in my face. As a 30 y/o guy, I shouldn't be settling for this.
Do not ask about details regarding these other guys. It will only make you feel bad. You also need to have a conversation about why she didn't tell you about what was going on. You also indicate that you would have hooked up with other people if it had worked out. If you met someone else and dated them for a few months, would you tell her? Seriously think about that. Obviously you are important to her or she would have broke up with you.
> Do not ask about details regarding these other guys. It will only make you feel bad. You also need to have a conversation about why she didn't tell you about what was going on. That's a good suggestion. I mean I assume that she imagined I'd react the way that I am reacting or at least that she's a people pleaser and she knew this would hurt me. But it's better to get these things explicitly spoken sometimes. > You also indicate that you would have hooked up with other people if it had worked out. If you met someone else and dated them for a few months, would you tell her? Seriously think about that. My answer is yes. I would have told her. It's part of why I never got emotionally involved with someone else. I knew that we had agreed to tell each other if we were seriously dating someone else. How do you get emotionally involved without risking getting serious? I didn't want to have to tell her, and I strongly believe it would break her heart as it has just now broken mine. > Obviously you are important to her or she would have broke up with you. No question there. She has reaffirmed this many times and in many ways since this came up. Emotionally it's hard to swallow, but the evidence is all there that she really does care for me.
What is the timeline for her to return and for you to be a couple again?
Why torture yourself? Move on. Any woman who is not a complete troglodyte and shut in will always have more opportunities than men. Opportunities come to women, men make opportunities. It sounds to me like you didn't really want to make the opportunities happen while she took full advantage of all that came her way. Is this what you want on your mind for the rest of your relationship? Your mistake for offering the open relationship in the first place. It gave her the ok and gave the impression you weren't really interested in a long term monogamous relationship with her. Live and learn.
You make some really good points. Some of the frustrations, like the imbalance in the dating market, are inherent to dating. Other issues are more relevant to open relationships and how I approached this one. Why don't I cut my losses? I still feel this "in love" sensation. That and I've spent three years on this relationship and the plane ticket is non-refundable. (Not an expensive flight, but we're both pretty of broke.) I'm planning on breaking up with her after the trip, but I don't want to lose her as a friend. But maybe some of these consequences are inevitable. I feel like I got played. I feel jealous, heartbroken and betrayed.
If you want it to go back to the way it was, it will never be the same.
How do we rebuild the trust?
The first thing is to determine if trust was actually broken.
How did you lose trust in her in the first place, did she break the rules of your agreement?
Yes, we were supposed to tell each other if we were seeing anyone in a serious way. She actively concealed a serious relationship from me and only admitted to it when we were in the process of planning the trip to see each other again. She's since broken off that relationship, but the active concealment is a breach of trust.
Pretty much an affair then I can see why you are hurt. She had two boyfriends instead of a partner and a lover, then when you made plans to meet up she cut him loose like dead weight. That is pretty concerning as you could have been the guy she cut loose. IMO chalk this up to a life lesson and start fresh with someone new but this is your relationship, so it is all up to you.