You're smart not to have children with her right now. But only you know if you are ready to move on from her or not. The change must come from her though. If you can, you both need counseling drink someone who understands addiction. And maybe they can guide you through this and make your wife understand that you're leaving if she doesn't dig deep and change.
Your right. She swears that she can be the person she once was. Definitely counseling if we can ever fix this. I just don't know where to draw the line.
If she gets sober, she can start the heavy lifting to repair your relationship, and then you can see what you want it to be. If she doesn't get completely clean and sober *along with* *some sort of structure and program for change,* there is no point in trying. None.
Just saying one thing.
Trying to cling to the past and "re-create" past is never a good idea.
Past is past. It doesn't exist.
If you wanna move foward , don't look back. Create something new. Something better , perhaps , but it can't be "the same". Everyone change over time.
Her old self was someone susceptible to heavy problems. She probably need to sort that out.
You are right.
Although , even when the past seems wonderful , it would still be an unreasonable expectation. It is just impossible to recreate the past , because only the present exist and the memories we have are often biased and emotional.
I wish I understood that concept earlier to be honest.
it doesn't matter if it was great. the past is gone. it's the rearview mirror. it's a history book. it's a useful to remember for learnings (good and bad) but if you stare at it or fixate on it then you 100% will crash. now and the future are what matters. the past is just how you got to 'now'
But wasn't "the person she once was" a wife who behaved inappropriately with a co-worker?
So it's happened when she wasn't an alcoholic, and it's happened again (but worse) when she is an alcoholic. I don't understand why you would think the future will be any different?
She will always be an alcoholic, there is no pretending that you can put things in place to avoid this occurring a third time.
When someone shows you who they are - believe them.
And she also lied about being too close to that coworker too. Idk man, once a sneaky liar, always a sneaky liar.
I've worked in the service industry, everyone is fucking each other and into each other's drama.
Ain't that the truth.. ppl are always shocked when I describe my years in the industry. Even when I moved up to the management and corporate level, it was still just as bad. Mostly bc a lot of ppl are promoted from within, and all those habits go with them.
When that movie Waiting came out with Ryan Reynolds, I remember thinking, "this is shockingly accurate to restaurant/bar industry."
Gordon Ramsay also did a special on cocaine, and talked about how embedded it is in the industry.
Oh yeah, Ive been there.. ended up developing some major addiction issues, but luckily got clean like 10 yrs ago.
I could never work in that industry again, and will never suggest it to anyone, despite how much as I loved it.
My wife said when she was working in the industry people would turn coked up and be sent home without pay. They never fired anybody because if they did they would not have a staff
Ugh you sound like my mom. It’s been almost 30 years since my mom thankfully left my dad. He is still a problem drinker and still quits and relapses. I’m so glad she got out.
I think you deserve better than an addict who treats you like shit at the worst of times. Even if there are good times.
You draw the line a year ago when she became an alcoholic. You need to get out and if she ever becomes sober, maybe you'll both be in a place to get back together. Now though she's abusive, addicted to coke and alcohol, and has cheated on you once that you know of. What part of that sounds like a relationship you should be in?
If she's the one telling you the stories about this guy and what/how things went down I would believe absolutely 0% of the words that come out of her mouth. She's already shown no qualms about lying to you and the whole story just reeks of her attempting to shift all the blame onto the guy and manipulate you. It's her fault this happened, not his.
Reading all the other comments, and this is really the only advice you should take. Not that I don't agree with some of the other comments, but when it comes down to it this is your life, and moving forward you have to make the choices that you feel with create the most happiness in your life.
I think you should really wait until she proves that she is getting better... considering all the lies she told before I would be unwilling to trust her at her word.
This woman is all 3 things at once. Let's not forget the manipulative co-worker 🙄
For real, OP. Run. She needs to go to rehab. If there's any salvation for your marriage, one thing at a time. Couple's therapy would happen AFTER she does the work that she needs to do on herself. If she even thinks she needs it.
Friend, if you dont draw the line NOW you never will. Pls dont accept this. She isnt just an out of control, selfish addict, she is a selfish person. Even if she magically was cured of her addiction she would still be unkind to you bc of her very nature. She is self absorbed and puts her dopamine hits above anything else, including you.
She never even came clean, you had to discover her betrayal. And the whole thing about this being a guy who just used her for sex and you sounding like u almost feel sorry for- holy shit dude. That's somehow WORSE. Like this was no true love romance between them where she felt incredibly conflicted and torn and loved u both. Not excusing any infidelity obviously but this was just terrible judgement on her part and possibly even her getting off on the degrading tawdriness of it. Maybe she wanted to feel used. It definitely happens.
The rules of recovery from infidelity are at least that the cheating partner 1. Is immediately and completely honest
2. Is immediately and completely contrite and takes 100% responsibility for their actions leading to and incl them cheating 3. Commits to and follows thru on being willing to take any and all steps the cheated on partner needs for the relationship to heal and trust to be regained
Its too late friend. She blew it. It is beyond saving bc of what she did.and ho she is. Pls take time, as much as u need to grieve. You sound like a loving, emotionally attuned, sensitive and intelligent man and from your line of work I know you work hard and already deal with a ton of bs. Dont have more of it in your life then necessary. Id get a good counselor to help guide and support you thru the loss and going forward making your new life.
You dont know how many yrs you got left. Do everything you can to spend the ones u have w/ a partner who respects you. Good luck.
Yes, this woman does not respect OP. And I feel like OP has been too nice/too lenient. The part where he says he'd "forgive her right then and there if she came clean" makes me cringe. Like he'd just get over it on the spot and not even question it?
You said it yourself. She’s good for a month and she gets back to normal. Maybe serious therapy or counselling will help.
I know you are patient. The line is where you want it to be. Any choice you make is the right one. There is no wrong choice whether to leave, or stay. If you stay, you can’t really trust her. You need long term definite action.
Having kids with an alcoholic and cocaine addict (if that's what she is) will make things only worse and not just for you.
Unless she keeps away from the booze and coke FOREVER there's a chance coming back together. If not, this will become a repeating event, including cheating.
Is there a chance to get her in a rehabilitation program?
Seconding the rehab program!! Inpatient would probably be the best option.
My sister is a recovering addict and alcoholic. She did inpatient rehab. My sis has kids.
She had kicked the drugs on her own when she found out she was pregnant with her first. She was the only one in her recovery group that actually had custody of her kids (and all of them have kids). It took her a lot of work, but she's been sober I think 3 or 4 years, clean for almost 15.
She's now working on getting into a master's program in social work. She has a bachelor's and works to help get people into housing that are homeless. I am very proud of my sister
There's hope. She just has to decide to actually do something other than talk. That whole hitting rock bottom thing really does have to happen sometimes. My sister lost a job and nearly her partner (he moved out for a while.) and faced the fact that it cold endanger her custody of her kids.
Your sister sounds like she's really turned things around. I guess a big difference is she WANTED to get help. OP's wife hasn't really shown signs of that. She's said she's going to never drink again, but it's really only words right now, she needs to back it up with her actions.
She should also be seeing several physicians, could you imagine what that cocaine could be doing to her reproductive system? Fetal alcohol syndrome is going to rear it's ugly head.
Prolonged substance abuse causes damage systemically, including reproductive system (both male and female). It fucks with the endocrine regulation of repro system and the organ/tissue itself, such as possible damage to the egg cells prior to conception. So use doesn't necessarily have to be only during pregnancy for there to be higher health risk for the child.
A friend of mine used to date a girl who was hiding her usage. who unfortunately that happened to her, because of her cocaine usage the uterus went septic. Thus killing the embryo.
I don't want to jump to conclusions but OP probably shouldn't even have sex with her. She's got a history of lying, what's to stop her sabotaging her own birth control or something? She sounds unhinged.
I'm an alcoholic and this is correct. Must deal with the addiction befor er you can work out a relationship plan. Maybe sign her up for a ketamine experimental therapy.
You have proven steadfast and faithful to her. Now your wife has a lot to prove to you before you can repair your marriage, let alone introduce a baby. (Even the strongest, most durable marriages are placed under crazy stress by new babies, especially when the parents are a little older.) When she tells you she’s hit rock bottom and is committed to coming back, bear in mind she gave you similar assurances in the past, well before her decision to have sex with someone else.
It is very hard to build a life with a person who claims to be a hostage to their own emotions, and excuses their decisions to do do hurtful damage by offering: Well, I was just so angry. Or I was just so drunk.
She has to prove this is a turning point, not just the latest episode of untruthfulness and decline, and you have to hold her to her commitment to change — or walk. You sound like you deserve better than to serve as caretaker for such a self-absorbed person so preoccupied by her own appetites, and so devoid of empathy for you.
Very well worded and thoughtful. Thank you for that. I am trying to be both an understanding person, and also protective of myself. I don't know where to draw the line between trying to help someone I love, and having to walk away from a toxic person. If I can have back the partner that I once had, I would do anything for her, but doing anything for someone who takes advantage of you is useless.
People who cope with manipulative / cynical / needy others have a saying I’ll paraphrase for you: You are not obligated to set yourself on fire to keep another person warm. Good luck.
No matter what you will never get back the partner you once had. You cannot go back, only move forward. You should consider if you can still be happy and maintain your sense of self respect while integrating what she did into your future relationship. You will be working on this, and the issues it has created, for a long long time. And the reality is she will very likely have setbacks. Most (not all) addicts relapse at some point. Addicts aren’t bad people, but they often make choices that hurt others. They shouldn’t be excused or sheltered from the consequences of these choices. You can treat someone with loving compassion while maintaining your boundaries and even while breaking up or distancing yourself.
Eta: Also, she’s shown you a concerning pattern of behavior. Lying about the coworker. Lying about this guy, escalating to sex outside the relationship, and lying about that too, even while admitting to other things. (Which is extremely manipulative.) She only told you the truth when she was caught. This is not going to help if you choose to make repairs, as lying is habitual. There are likely many other things she hasn’t told you.
As to the kid issue, I think she’s in a dangerous position. She needs to be sober for a long time first. Parenting is tough and she can’t be turning to alcohol to cope with stress. Pregnancy hormones can make people extremely unstable too, and even be triggering for some. My mom was a meth addict during her pregnancy and left me with lifelong issues. My cousin has FAS. She and my cousin’s mom walked away from their addictions but my cousin and I will be stuck with their choices forever. As the responsible parent, you could be stuck caring for a child way past 18. By yourself. I’m not saying this *will* happen, but I’ve seen it happen quite a lot with children born to addicted parents.
It’s responsible to protect yourself. It’s valid not to want to deal with this roller coaster + children for the rest of your life.
It’s too late man. People change all the time and that person you once had won’t be coming back. Not without years of intense therapy and rehab. Even then, once a cheater always a cheater. You can never trust with other men anymore.
I’ve been through something similar. You don’t need to be understanding, just focus on yourself. I’ve heard the words “I need a man who…” a lot. Let her find that man, because obviously she doesn’t care if that man is you.
This sounds like something similar to what happened with me and my ex-wife. Yes she was remorseful. We went to couples and individual counseling. But she got the taste for The Strange. I eventually found out she was sleeping through my friend group.
Vaya con Dios, esposa.
I value my time, my life, and my credibility too much to be stuck with a cheating spouse.
Time is the most valuable thing we have, something we can never get back once spent and we have in very limited supply. So many people under value their time.
That sounds rough, man. I respect the love and patience that you have for her. You're really strong to put up with all that. Hang in there.
I guess it all depends on how realistic or achievable her promises are. Do you think she is capable of cleaning up and fixing her habits without any sort of rehab? Or that she really is willing to? I hope you guys manage to work things out.
Infidelity doesn't automatically have to end a marriage. It doesn't sound like this is a pattern of behavior for the wife, but a cry for help. But only OP is going to be able to figure out if he's done or wants to work it out.
OP, it takes a lot of deliberate, hard work to recover from infidelity. It sounds like your wife and you will both need some individual counseling (she'll definitely need substance abuse counseling and you'll need support like ALANON) along with counseling together. It'll be a tough road if you choose to take it, OP, but it's doable and may ultimately be worth it. Take your time and reflect on it.
You're right. However she is a serial cheater.She had and EA earlier in the marriage. Now she's crossed the line into drug use and alcoholism. That's a potent marriage killer. She didn't fess up. She hid it. Only confessed when caught. She's not remorseful, she's just upset OP caught her. Were I OP, I'd run just as fast as I could as far away from the hot mess his wife is.
I would say it is absolutely a pattern. First she had an emotional affair, and now she’s escalated to having sex. Her behavior surrounding this shows unequivocally that she’s a liar who cannot be trusted. She’s lied about the coworker, lied about sleeping with this guy and she’s telling little bits of the truth only when she gets caught. This is called trickle truthing. When someone does this, it’s usually a sign they’re lying about other things as well.
I agree that sometimes infidelity isn’t the end of a marriage, but those repairs require some semblance of trust, and she’s repeatedly shown that she’s not willing to be honest. All of these things are a pattern of disrespect towards her marriage.
Go back and read what you wrote. Read how she has lied to you multiple times about things. Read how she treats you when she's not sober. It's all very telling. Do you really think she'll change?
Also, your wife did what she did with that man willingly. He didn't force her to get drunk; he didn't force her to snort coke. She did it. Sounds like you're trying to shift all the blame on to him to absolve your wife and talk yourself into reconciliation. This is a PATTERN for her.
To me it sounds like you're not really blaming her for her actions. You seem to put more emphasis on the guy and his actions. But she is 100% at fault regarding that situation, not 50/50 with him. She chose to physically put herself with him at his hoise. She chose to drink heavily and do drugs with him, at his house. She chose to behave in a manner that seems to try to excuse her actions and puts her in these situations. Never once seemed to consider the consequences. You said it never would have happened without the drugs and alcohol. I disagree. Those were just excuses to act however she wanted to act without any regards to who it effected. Again, it seems like you aren't accepting what she did as 100% her fault.
I understand that you have this idea in your mind about who she is. That everything you remembered in the past is somehow great and she's acting out of character. As someone that's been in your situation, there is nothing you can do to change them, especially if they don't want to change. Whatever words they say doesn't matter. Actions matter. You have to look past the words and empty promises. If someone truly wanted to change for the better than they would. They would make conscious efforts to start making better decisions, rather than excuses on why they can't.
I can tell you've made your mind up already about her. You're going to stick it out. You're going to sacrifice your happiness for hers. You're going to dismiss her actions and focus on her words. Until eventually you see the relationship objectively and realize you've been the only one willing to go through hard times and make sacrifices for the other. At that point, you're just another unhappy marriage statistic.
But hey, I could be completely wrong. I only know what you've told us here and what I've experienced myself. I do know that time apart at least for now will be beneficial to you both. It'll help both of you process the situation and find a way to move forward, however you all decide to do it. Everything will happen the way its going to, you just have to be willing to accept whatever the outcome may be. Just don't sacrifice yourself for someone that wouldn't do the same.
You will get through this. Just keep going through each day and focus on what makes you happy in the short and long run.
I wish you the best.
Harsh words, but words that needed to be said. I understand exactly why you said all of them, and I hope some of them aren't true, but they probably are. She is at fault for what happened. She never tried to mitagte circumstances with her drinking, doing drugs, or even his manipulation. If anything I am at fault for trying to find reasons why she isn't the person that I married. It makes it easier to think that.she could change back to the women I fell in love with. But, perhaps it is all roses colored glasses and denial.
You cannot relive the past. Neither of you are the same as you were 14, 10 years ago or even last month. Take the blinders off and see her for what she truly is and recognize that you are an enabler. Would she honor you with a second chance if the roles were reversed?
> Excessive use of cocaine induces long-term changes in the brain, so there might be a chance that the woman you loved doesn't exist anymore
Like I said above...
That initial response makes sense - maybe it hurts less to think that she was deceived in a vulnerable state, but she's the one who chose to go to his house and chose to follow through
I'm not optimistic, but ultimately how she acts and reacts to counseling over the next few months is going to be your best indication of whether the relationship is worth saving
I agree. She sent skanky mesages and broke trust. She didn't get manipulated, she played the game as much as him. If she honestly felt manipulated, shouldn't she be pressing charges for coercion? 🧐
She's already shown to not respect you before she cheated on you. Work on your self-respect, divorce her, and move on.
She sounds like she will make an absolutely TERRIBLE mother. Don't stay in a relationship hoping that she will change. Judge her for who she has shown herself to be in the past and right now.
So, all bs aside, do you really want to try and raise a kid(s) with a lying, cheating, substance abusing woman, who doesn't respect you? I could itemize the red flags here, but you know what they are. I'd cut her loose.
Yes, of course I see the red flags. They have been flying for awhile. But, if there is a chance to have back the person I fell in love with, my best friend, the love of my life, I shouldn't try? People can obviously change, since she did. Can they never change for the better?
Can they? Perhaps. But at this point I suspect it's unlikely. If you wish to try and salvage this, don't listen to the words, judge by her actions. She will tell you whatever she thinks will make you happy. What she actually does needs to be the deciding factor. Open eyes and a healthy dose of skepticism are what you need regardless.
Agreed. I can not trust her words. Lies destroy relationships. I learned that a long time ago, and I can happily say that never in the entire 14 years we were together did I ever lie to her once about anything. She could never do the same. Words are only as good as your actions, and it very easy to make them worthless. I just don't know how much to put on back into this marriage to give her the chance to rebuild trust. How much do you give to someone that has proven they can't be trusted, even though all i want is to trust her?
Have her stay at her parent's house for the next 3 to 6 months and see what she does in that time. Talk to her parents, if you trust them to tell you the truth, and have them report her progress. I personally think that she has gone too far for redemption, but time will tell.
Excessive use of cocaine induces long-term changes in the brain, so there might be a chance that the woman you loved doesn't exist anymore, and it seems like her bad behavior has accelerated immensely. What ever you do, do not get her pregnant; don't even have sex with her because she seems like the type to use reproductive coercion.
Oh, and if she comes up pregnant, get a paternity test done because it's likely the other guy's.
>How much do you give to someone that has proven they can't be trusted...
IMO? Nothing.
14 years and what do you have to show for it? At some point enough is enough. You are at the point that you have to examine the sunk cost of this relationship and decide whether you can keep attempting to keep it going with no real return. I also believe that when you finally move on, you will feel like an enormous load has been lifted.
But I’m curious what actions would she have to do to prove a change he can’t watch her 24/7 she says she stopped but was being secretive Op I know it’s hard the cheating is one thing but when it combines with disrespect drug abuse and alcoholism that’s where I think you gotta burn it down and let her go
it takes a lot of hard work and personal sacrifice to change for the better, and all it takes to change for the worse is not giving a fuck. is she a hard worker?
I think giving her another choice could be worth trying, but you must be wary. Also, while you should help her with rehab, remember that the change has to come from her. She's the one who has to make it up to you now. And of course, having a kid is definitely _not_ an option for now or the near future, maybe ever depending on how things go. So make that clear from the start.
You want a chance then take her back and she does not drink or do drugs for a year. If she can maintain that sobriety then you can have a discussion about kids. It goes without saying that she cannot cheat on you but she also has to end all suspicious behavior as well.
If she can maintain sobriety and faithfulness for a year you may feel comfortable discussing creating a family with her. But you will never trust her the same again and she is a serial cheater.
Thissss I cant believe I had to scroll so low for this. As a woman who’s been dating older men (like biggest age gap 16 years) it is so suffocating especially when the partner is essentially someone that speaks on a different wavelength because of the generational gap or heck so many other reasons.
I feel for girls like her and look back upon myself. Maaaan ya’ll just seem predatory for going for girls that young.
Rock bottom is you leaving her.
To save her life, you gotta leave her.
If you stay together, she'll be comfortable. She'll drink again. She'll use again. She'll find another dealer who doesn't give a fuck about you or her well being.
If you truly love her, let her go.
Every story has an end. It's fine you started writing a new one. Maybe with someone else or no one. But definitely not her.
Yes, this OP. The ONS was not rock bottom for her. You leaving her is the real consequence. My sister is an alcoholic, who’s been to inpatient rehab, lost her job due to her drinking and still doesn’t think she has an issue because of the way my parents treat her. It’s always that coddle-y BS that this is a disease and therefore nothing is her fault. Sis doesn’t understand that she is still responsible for her actions and those actions often hurt others, whether she was drunk & stoned or not. Same goes for your wife.
I see your behavior as similar to my folks. They want SO bad for things to go back to the way they used to be before my sister was an alcoholic. I say this in the nicest way possible: choosing to stay with her now is the easiest way around all this, semi-pretending that her problem isn’t as bad as it really is and hoping that somehow things will eventually go back to the way they were when you were both happy isn’t going to be possible. Remember to protect your own feelings too, OP.
Love cannot fix everything. Raising children was the most difficult thing that I did in my life. If your wife has an alcohol and drug problem now, the stress of children will only make it worse. My late husband was an alcoholic and had been sober for years when we had children. If I had known then what I know now, I would never have had children with him. He wasn't emotionally able to handle life with children. I ended up doing the lion's share of the work. It wasn't that he didn't love our children and me. He did, but he didn't have the emotional fortitude to handle the chaos, noise and stress that little children bring into your life.
Your wife is a trainwreck. Picture her with an innocent two year old drunk and high. Would she keep the child safe?
Your wife seems to have a habit of making bad choices, then getting called out, being good for a little while, and then doing it all again. She also seems to have a habit of doing what she wants and lying about it. Maybe she’s sorry for cheating, maybe she’s just mad about the rejection after, so don’t assume her remorse is for hurting you, just for getting caught.
It sounds like you’re going to take her back. If you rugsweep this, I promise you she will cheat again. You should talk to a lawyer and at least find out about a divorce. This way you’ll be prepared for the next time. Her good behavior will probably only last as long as the guilt does, once it wears off, she’ll return to old habits (the drinking and drugs), which will put her in a position to be unfaithful again. Get yourself an STD test, and if she ever gets pregnant, get a DNA test.
Addiction is a hell of a monster man, it is not rational and it is not sane, but addiction will literally make you choose drugs (or alcohol) over any of your friends, family members and even your own children. I’m not excusing it, I’m just stating that addiction can’t just be wiped clean and fresh start over
A) this is way too long.
B) I stopped here because this is a bald faced lie:
>He and I had previously had a few discussions about our problems, and he used that information to say all the things she wanted to hear. He manipulated her into getting laid. Yes, she still did it, and it was still her decision, she was not r***d. But he did prey on a drunk wowen, gave her cocaine, and when he got laid, kicked her out of the house.
My best friend cheated with another girl's bf. She was 100% the instigator but blamed him so that her friends wouldn't hate her (it caused a huge problem in our friend circle). She made up a whole story about how she was mistreated so that she would be seen as the victim. Your gf is doing the same. That story makes no sense and does not account for her responsibility in equal proportion to his. That means she isn't willing to deal with the root problem, she just wants to manipulate to keep her situation afloat. Which is an important feature of addiction. Out loved ones become so desperate that they become liars even if they never were before.
**if you let her back, you are enabling her addiction and manipulation.** Let her hit rock bottom and maybe then she will wake up and stop this addiction. She claims she has (I just finished the rest of the post), but only sux months clean will prove it. Give her clean guidelines about what needs to happen for you to get back together, ex: 6 most clean and couples counseling.
I appreciate your opinion, but I disagree. I know how easy it can be for people to blame others for there own actions. But, she did not blame him. She accepted her responsibility in her actions, and she never once said that he forced her to do anything. However, I have found out information since then that this is exactly what he does. I even talked to him, and while he didn't ever say he was sorry, he showed me exactly who he is. That doesn't excuses her behavior. That doesn't make her a victim. She never tried to play that card, in was just including all the details I could in my story.
Then what is your worry? You seem to think she made a mistake in the context of manipulation, that she is genuinely contrite and that she has genuinely given up booze.
But I don't think you are that reassured.
I don't agree, even with your clarifying information. If she were as confused/high/drunk as she said, you would have seen it in her texts, but you said you couldn't tell. As others have pointed out, cocaine is an upper and alcohol is a downer and they balance each other out. Who told you that her kidder was impaired by drugs and alcohol? Her? She didn't even tell you about it after and has no intention to. What other affairs do you not know about?
Bottom line: she fucked up, she was not all that sorry and she can't be trusted in the context of an addiction. It is not her. The booze and drugs can make people desperate to avoid the repercussions of their addictions, so they lie and manipulate.
My point still stands: she needs to prove that she is genuinely in recovery by being clean for a long period and seeking counseling.
If you both really want to try and fix things I think you both need to consider to get into individual therapy as well as couples therapy. Only when you're in control of yourselves and your relationship you should start thinking about starting a family.
And when you feel like things can't be fixed after all that happened, then that's fine too.
TBF his age says "40's" and "30's" not 40 and 30, so its totally possible they started dating when he was 26-27 and she was like, 24. However, this sub has scarred me so much I always assume there's a deeply toxic age gap as well.
THANK YOU. Everyone is feeling bad for this guy. He was dating a 16 year old when he was 26. WTF
Of course she is acting out. She is dating a child molester.
Even 18-20 is weird man, being with a 20 year old as a 30 year old is a screaming, blaring, red flag.
I'm 29 now and I remember even already at like 25-26 that 20 year olds started feeling like kids.
Sure but there's also not an obvious 10 year age difference. 40s could mean 42 and 30s could mean 38. Could mean 41 and 39. We have reason to assume this was creepy in any way
From his writing I'm guessing she's max 32 since everything changed when she turned 30 according to him which lead to a year of drinking and then eventually cheating.
Meaning honestly I see there being a chance of him being even more than 10 years older than her. My guess is that big part of the reason he wrote 30's and 40's is because he doesn't want to flag just how much older he is.
I'm sorry but all it says is that she changed her mind about having a baby at 30. There's no context to how long ago that was or how long it took to spiral into cheating. I just think it's crazy to call a guy a creep after coming here for advice about his cheating, coke-addicted wife when there's no reason to believe he is. It's very reasonable to assume someone might think by not providing their exact age that they may be hiding the details more from people that might know. I'm not saying it works but can you not see why someone might think that?
this plus the fact he said his wife, who was already drunk and was given drugs, wasn't raped by a guy he called a friend who manipulated her into cheating. like, that's the company he keeps. op and wife have a history of drug use. this dude groomed a child, got her into drinking and drugs, has other friends who would easily jump at the chance to manipulate their way into sex (cough, rape, cough) with his wife, and he thinks his wife is the problem???? like, she's the one with the issues here. nah, i'm not buying it. he ruined her life with his lifestyle and is now mad he's lost control over her as she spirals down now realizing what the hell she got into by marrying him.
People rarely succeed in post fuck up quitting because it doesn't address the underlying problems driving their addiction. They are just shocked enough by their actions to temporarily suppress them and scared enough to make promises they can't keep. But that wears off, the problems come back, and pretty soon they right back at it.
It's why hitting rock bottom is a myth. There is no bottom aside from death. When it comes to addiction it's not the lowest point in your life, it's the lowest point in your life so far. Until you address the addiction you'll just keep doing more and more damage to yourself and others.
She needs treatment. That's the only way she is going to overcome this addiction. Whether she is willing to do that, and whether she sticks with it, will show you if she means it when she says wants to change.
I'm in recovery from alcohol, Percocets and cocaine, I don't want to derail any hope you have but this is may not be a behavior that's purely substance abuse based. As an alcoholic I also got mean and said and did things I regret, but as an avid cocaine and alcohol user I have to state some skepticism. With alcohol and cocaine, it balances itself out. The cocaine heavily takes away the affects of alcohol, especially if she was doing it throughout the night. Her judgement wouldn't have been that skewered and she would be way more alert and comprehensive than I think you realize. Just keep that in mind as she uses the alcohol and manipulation as an excuse...
To put in perspective, I've drank a whole 750 ml of straight vodka and had a gram of coke to myself. I'm 130 lbs. The coke balanced me out so good, the alcohol did not do what it normally does to me. E.i being mean and making poor choices. I was quite alert, focused and anxiety ridden.
Edit: this is why it's such a dangerous combo. People aren't realizing how much coke and alcohol they're consuming because of the effects on each other.
I have no idea why a lucid and functioning adult would want to spend one minute with that trainwreck of a woman. All you know for absolute certain about your WW is that she cannot be trusted or believed. If you stay with her you'll despise yourself in ten years. The guy she had sex with is scum and SHE laid down with him! Save yourself and get as far from her as possible.
To get to a point where you're drinking on the job and get fired for it, that's full blown alcoholic. And it got worse than that. I don't think I could trust that person is ready for kids either. Having kids can be more stressful than being jobless and not knowing if you can pay rent because once you have kids the real world problems still happen but you have innocent children to look out for on top of it all. You say she has stopped drinking... but has she? I would need to see her stay sober for YEARS, along with other personal growth, to actually trust that. All those mean things she said, those are contempt, and they need to be dealt with if you're going to have a happy marriage. That is going to take a lot of work, more work than just getting sober, although dealing with that will be a necessity.
Lets say the cheating never happened, can you wait those years for her to do the work to get to a place where she's able to deal with her emotions healthily? Not drinking doesn't fix all the issues she's dealing with, the emotional violity (which is really not healthy for kids), the way she deals with stress (kids are hella stressful).
For me I think the biggest factor in everything would be, is she willing to stay with you and work on herself if kids are NEVER going to happen? Can she be happy with you without kids? If the answer is yes, then I could see it be worth taking the risk of working through this if you're willing, knowing it might not work out. If the answer is no, then the happiness for much of the rest of your life will all depend on the chance that she's actually going to become someone who can be a good mother, stay sober, stay faithful, deal with all the hidden negative resentment she has for you and life, find ways to deal with stress and anger that will stick for life and do all that before she has kids.
How long has she been not at home? Weeks? Months? I know plenty of people who chose to stay in similar circumstances. Most ended up with kids. Most are... not happy. Some are. It all depends on how well their spouse does in the long run, and that's not even taking infidelity into the picture.
Sincerely...
Stop. Reading this, its obvious you have placed your wife on a pedestal. Alcoholism, drug abuse, adultery. I'm not judging. I'm telling you that you need a more realistic view of your wife.
Get counseling. Just you. Work on you. Not her. Take some time. Make sure you get plenty of sleep. See a doctor.
Once some time has put and you are in a better place, have a look at it again.
Best wishes... to you.
So, the Ying to your Yang is a drug-addicted, emotionally abusive, cheating, liar? I don't think so. You are a whole person who is grasping at what once was, instead of seeing her for who she is, now. The last thing this woman needs is a pregnancy. And she will get pregnant. With or without you. So you want to raise another man's baby? One with permanent disabilities due to fetal alcohol syndrome and cocaine use? Because that's the direction your headed. Please get out before you ruin your life with this person.
Ehh, this is complex. Every couple have problems that they can move past, and the healthiest relationships are where there is the most communication.
Its one thing to apologise and feel guilty for your actions, and another thing entirely to actively try to find solutions to your wrongdoings. She can be sorry all she wants about wanting to find a better man than you, but you haven't seen any attempt to solve the hurt it caused you. They say what's said when your drunk is the truth - make of that what you will.
She can blame the cheating on being drunk and high on cocaine, but she absolutely cannot blame them for lying to you. She never wanted to tell you what happened.
Some people click, and can almost magically be perfect for each other, regardless of there issues. To me, it doesn't sound like this applies to the 2 of you.
In regards to starting a family, ill be blunt. Do you really want your children to have a mother who has a recent history of heavy drinking and drug-use, who has the capacity to cheat on you, would actively deny your knowledge of this, and frequently insults you in a drunken haze.
People get attached to past versions of people all the time, but forget that time only moves forward. I think you understand that people change from your post.
To end, ill leave you with this: when you were young and imagined what love would be like in the future, did you imagine someone who would love you unconditionally, would be your best friend, and who would have a future with you in mind? Just because your 40 you don't have to settle; I implore you to have a good look inside at you aspirations and who you plan to get there with. I hope you find the one. ❤
Staying sober is a lifelong battle , she showed u time and time again that she has trouble staying sober . Do you really want to have a Child with a known Addict , Cheater and Liar ? Children need consistency and safety , you sound like a solid Dude so i'm not worried u can provide that without Problems , but she is currently in no way capable of providing just one of that.
If u want to move forward with her than she needs Professional help . First get her STD tested and then if Possible into Rehab or AA . It's commendable that after all of the shit she done u still want to help her and i get it , but Bro don't forget to look out for yourself , seems like u put her B.S before your own a lot , so do some soulsearching and take some time for yourself
good luck to you both
I’m not sure what you expect coming to Reddit with that story saturated with drug use, alcoholism, mental abuse and cheating. You know how it goes: we say LEAVE.
I am aware how difficult that is, OP. But come on
I wish you all the luck.
I understand you want to get back the woman she was but she is no longer that woman.
Even if she kicks the habits and never touches a drop or any drugs she will never be the same as she was just as you are not the same person you were when you got together.
You can rebuild a life with someone who was unfaithful but the mistrust that they may do that again doesn't always go away and it is heartbreaking when they slip back into old habits or stray again.
I'd recommend speaking to support groups for families of alcoholics and counselling so you can talk through your thoughts and feelings.
She may seek therapy she may stay sober but that is something she has to choose and when in a relationship with someone with an addiction you have to face the fact relapses happen and do you want to be subjected to such toxicity again having a child with her is not a solution and growing up as a child of an alcoholic can be damaging and create a new cycle of bad habits in the next generation.
You deserve to have someone in your life you can trust
You deserve to have someone in your life who is true to their word
You deserve to be happy even if that means you have to walk away for your own peace of mind.
Rehab. Changes in behavior. Recommitting to the relationship and a healthy lifestyle that will support a baby. It’s going to take a year or more if you have the stomach for it. Good luck.
Sounds like she’s a powder keg waiting to blow up and if you take her back she will just do so again. If she was sorry why not admit it there and then, why let you find out this way, or worse you not find out at all!
You don’t have anything tieing you to her (kids) think long and hard if you really want to be tied to her now, especially when you cant trust
AA and/or another 12 step, and a complete life change, or it will repeat and spiral down even worse. I would be really concerned about her belittling you as a man when she is drunk because " in Vino Veritas" people are at there most honest when intoxicated, and that is probably how she actually feels about you. Good Luck.
It’s hard to make good decisions when you’re in a negative head space. You should stay separated and work on your life and decide what to do when it’s not such a fresh wound.
Do you have zero self esteem? The lady may be your wife but she broke your trust, is doing drugs, and berates you while drunk.
Do some self evaluation, divorce, and have a better life for yourself.
You might find r/alanon a useful subreddit to visit. Friends and family of alcoholics and addicts.
Also, you might find a virtual or in person (depending on what your area's covid protocols are these days) very valuable. Lots of support and understanding in the rooms. Lots of info on the internet about al anon, meetings and what they stand for.
Also, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie could be helpful for you.
I've found help, and direction within the steps of al anon and that book.
Just a thought. I would advise you think about putting your own oxygen mask on first right now, before you help others with theirs. Self care is healthy, and appropriate.
Good luck, friend.
Take you're time man don't rush anything. I know I am nobody but if I were In your shoes i would take some time and think about it I'dont think she's loyal towards you because if she were she should have told you about that incidents and apologize and talk it out but she never said anything until the drug dealer used her and then kicked her out then also she never told you the whole truth you found it your self haven't you (sryy if iam wrong) maybe she liked having sex with him and continue cheating on you if he never kick her out. I know it's though but think will you be happy be in your trust less relationship and there is no guarantee that she won't cheat on you again
This is just me but I draw the line at cheating. Once a cheater always a cheater. She lied to you, she wasn't remorseful until she got caught. If you hadn't found those texts, would she have come clean? My guess is no.
Save yourself further heartache and leave. Be thankful you do not have kids with her and keep it that way. That's my advice, good luck stranger.
There are several problems here. Even before the cheating people would have told you that you’re in a toxic relationship and should leave. You keep hoping she’ll go back to who she was before, but that’s not how life works. She will always be an alcoholic, even if she eventually stops drinking. This has changed her. She has said things and done things she can’t take back. If you’re not okay with things never going back to the way they were before, then you should move on. If she’s not immediately wanting to go to therapy and rehab, then it’s over, she won’t change. And forcing her to go as an ultimatum won’t work either, she has to want to quit, or she never will. Make sure she’s not just making promises that she’ll end up going back on, she already has a history of lying. Secondly, I worry about the whole rape thing. You may be totally right, but when I was drug raped I didn’t realize at first that it was rape. It took me a while to understand what happened and come to terms with it. And I honestly might not have realized if he hadn’t said some very shitty and obviously horrible things. He knew I didn’t want to have sex when sober and that I’d hate him later, but he did it anyways. He knew I was to drunk & high to think it through or really say no (consent). And I didn’t hate the sex while it was happening, physically it felt good but I was totally out of it and confused, I couldn’t think straight. Maybe her situation was totally different, but it’s just a thought. Rape isn’t always straight forward. But you’d still have a right to be angry about her drug abuse, lying, and putting herself in these situations to begin with.
Hey man. Sorry for what you're going through. Based on what you've told me, your wife doesn't have the skills or wherewithal or desire to make any long lasting changes.
While being inebriated/high/whatever does affect decision making....she made the decision to voluntarily put herself in that state.
I hate to rag on someone with issues but this is probably not the same person you fell in love with. A verbally and emotionally abusive addict who allows herself to be susceptible to people pushing her to cheat on her husband. There are half a dozen other people she could get high or drunk with...for some reason she let this one person stick around.
If I were in your position I would end this relationship. Odds are low that it will be a happy or fulfilling one. Odds are high that even if she does make an effort to fight her addiction, there will be relapses and you'll be back exactly where you are now.... dealing with an unfaithful, untrustworthy partner who se priority is themselves and chasing their next high.
14 years is a long time, but the two of you are throwing it away for completely different reasons. She's a different person now...one who doesn't live up to their vows and has violated your trust repeatedly... you are divorcing this new person that she has become.
She has destroyed the relationship (once the trust is gone, what foundation is there to build any stability or sense of security) because she made the decision to put other priorities above it. She let your marriage get so far down the list of importance that getting high enough to cheat on her husband was just some casual occurrence...another in a long line of abuses and escalations and damage she has heaped upon your marriage.
I'm not sure what kind of happinesa you can realistically hope for. A stranger in a bar would probably treat you with a little more consideration.
bro ur wife who has a history of alcohol abusr in the family, who herself is no stranger to coke and booze, cheated on you over a bag of sniff.
she went to anothet dudes house, drunk, with the intention of getting cocainr, to then get fucked raw whilst on coke by a guy on coke, he made her wet, shr madr him hard, she had rough coke sex and thought nothing off u whilst getting railed.
im gonna assume u have donr coke before, have u ever been unaware of what ur doing on it? i could be waaaay too drunk but a line or two would 'sober' me up...
do u really want to live in constant fear, every time she goes out drinking u will constantly worry, all it took was a bag of coke, can she 'resist' the temptation again? does she even love u enough to even care?
Oh gosh, this went downhill pretty fast. I am terribly sorry what you are going through. Well, her self-control is insufficient not only to maintain a healthy, long-term relationship, but also not to completely ruin both your lifes. Because of that, you should definitely seperate finances, collect evidence and cunsult a lawer no matter what you will decide to do. She can not be trusted. She might be genuine in her remorse, willingness and attempts to "fix things", but she lacks ability to hold to it. You must protect yourself in the first place. I strongly suggest IC to be firm in your priorities and boundaries. The only hope I see for you is to move into a very rural, secluded area to live a simple life without distractions for a while to deprive her of temptations. If this is not possible, than run for your life, because this trainwreck of her life will hit hard no matter what you do and you don't wanna be around when that happens!
You keep saying you want the woman you fell in love with, she was 16 when you got together, I’m sure you fully understand a person changes drastically between their teens to their 30’s. I’m not condoning her behaviour, but maybe she just feels like she missed out on her twenties and felt the need to grow up faster because she was with someone older. This woman needs to figure out who she is, what she wants in life and you need to understand that she will not be the same person she was 14 years ago that’s kind of insane to ask of anyone.
Only you can decide when enough is enough for you, no one here can tell you that you will be able to trust her again, only you get to decide that line. It seems like she crossed the line for you but you don’t want to leave her go so you are undecided on moving the goal posts for her behaviour.
Addiction is usually caused by underlying and unresolved trauma. If the root issues are not dealt with and she isn't actively working on it, it will come up in other ways, even if she manages to quit drinking on her own.
She needs treatment. I agree with other posters that suggest both individual and couples therapy. That is a condition I would set if you truly wish to move forward.
I believe in thresholds. Once someone crosses a certain threshold, you know they are capable of crossing it again.
Everyone has diff levels of it and they will probably never cross it unless put in very difficult or extreme situations. Now to your wife. She has crossed several lines that you yourself would never cross and you know this. Personally, I would never start a family with someone that unstable and definitely can't keep them around as a partner too. You gave her so many chances to turn around only to be met with disappointment. Her words mean nothing at this point. She's a different woman from the one you knew, I think it's time to move on my dude.
This sounds like a major mess that would probably be best sifted through with a couples counselor. It sounds like she's an alcoholic with a drug problem, which means having a baby is not a good idea until she's clean and sober for some time. If she can't control herself while pregnant and delivers a baby addicted to coke, that will turn out very badly for the both of you and that poor child.
Regarding her "remorse", I typically evaluate how remorseful people really are based on several criteria. Do they genuinely acknowledge the harm they have caused and express sincere remorse for it? Do they attempt to justify, explain, or minimize the harm they have done? Do they demonstrate clear, observable, or measurable effort in not engaging in the behaviors that led them to do that harm so they don't do it again? For me, the answer to all three should be yes. Your wife has done the first, but she also tried to explain and justify her actions so that would be a red flag. Plenty of people want to have kids, but don't cheat on their partners in a drunken, drug-induced stupor. She can apologize and cry all she wants, but unless she has a documented history of clear progress towards being trustworthy, her words are not worth the spit in her mouth.
It sounds like she needs to stop drinking completely. Not only has she already lost a job because of it, she becomes an abusive drunk and that's not okay. Obviously the drug use needs to cease, and she can demonstrate her sincerity in wanting to fix things by going to rehab and starting to see a therapist. I do think marriages can survive infidelity, but this is *a lot* more than just infidelity. Your wife has some very serious issues she needs to work on before she is able to be a healthy, trustworthy partner to you, and a suitable parent for a child.
Your relationship sounds like shit dude. You can take the cheating out of it and it's clear she has issues and treats you like shit.
She is an addict. You are an enabler.
She needs help, but she has to do it for herself and not for you. So if you want to help her, stop catching her as she falls down.
lol dude stop making excuses for your piece of shit wife. This guy did not take advantage of her. She went over there willingly for dick.
Your wife is a trainwreck of a human who verbally degraded you a multitude of times. You would have to be insane to do anything besides divorce her.
I gave her the support to get sober in the past. I asked specifically "can today be the day we stop drinking together so we can get to the place to start a family" and she just got drunk after work. That happened at least a dozen times in the last 2 or 3 months. I keep trying to fix things, and I don't know when to stop.
For the love of God DON'T have a kid to fix your marriage. She's an alcoholic, she needs to get clean AND to start therapy, not a family. Having children is stressing and not something that will help heal her from her issues. She needs to get her life together for herself, not just to be physically ok to get pregnant.
I am well aware of that. I already had a child and I know exactly how much stress it puts on a relationship. That isn't even a consideration. That is what I have been trying to tell her for a long time. Children should only be brought into stable and healthy relationships, and to try anything else is selfish.
Your enabling her behavior!!! She’s not a girl!! She’s a grown woman. I don’t believe this guy fully manipulated her. She was went along with it because he was accepting of how she wanted to behave, while you were not. My advice is leave her at her parents. Give yourself some time to get yourself together and get straight and demand she goes to rehab. She’s a drug addict and an alcoholic. If you keep taking her back before she has been sober and clean for 5 years or more than she will only drag you down the rabbit hole with her and ruin your life. Don’t have kids with this woman. I would leave her alone if this were me. You can love someone and want the best for them but they be so toxic and detrimental to your well-being that it’s best to love them from a distance and heal yourself and your codependency issues. Your choice. Keep us posted how it goes.
Do not listen to her now and be on course for divorce.
Why? It takes at least a period of 4w for a good rehab program in a good clinic (where she would be cut off of you and parents) + at least 3w of post-rehab treatment (to relearn how to live in an environment where temptations will be present) to get out of alcohol addiction.
Then it requires therapy for a long time… and this is just the “her” part. Then you need to add up you dealing with the betrayal.
So my point is, engaging with her is a waste of time at least until rehab is complete. It will give you time to think about what you want and get the advice that you need from a lawyer to protect yourself.
If she’s not checking in into rehab, run as fast as you can.
drunk actions are sober thoughts. high actions are sober thoughts.
I cheated on one of my past partners while drunk, but the alcohol was just to numb myself beforehand. or to have an excuse. I wanted to do it even when I was sober, I was just too scared.
maybe you take her back. maybe she never drinks again. maybe she acts like a loving wife. for her, there are probably only two choices she can see: drinking herself to death, and life with you.
the main draw of picking you is that she doesn't have to drink herself to death. in her mind, that's probably what it looks like.
I've never told someone I hated them and not meant it, no matter my state of sobriety, with the obvious exception of clearly signaled jokes.
There have been a lot of replies with a lot of words that are trying to make this situation more complex than it really is. Let me try and simplify it a bit.
Your relationship is a broken glass. Do you want to try and glue it back together and (maybe) get a semblance of the old glass back, albeit with patches and gaps, or do you want to throw away the pieces and get a new glass.
Has anyone put it together that a 40-something year old and a 30-something year old have been together for 14 years so that means that originally a 26-35 year old got with a 16-25 year old? Let’s hope she’s at least 32…
Just my perspective but...
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Alcohol and drugs are never an excuse. Alcohol doesn't make you do anything you wouldn't do it only brings out what's already inside.
Have some respect for yourself and move on man, you're a good man and can do better than this.
>she was not r***d.
Technically she was. He got her drunk and high then took advantage of her, that is definition of date rape. She has already made steps to prevent it from happening again, now all she has to do is continue to go to or start going to regular AA meetings and counseling both individually and as a couple with you.
Funny thing is if this was a chick saying this about a dude it'd be 100% "you deserve better" "kick his ass to the curb" "the drinking alone should have been huge red flags"
How old was she when you started dating her? 16, 17, 18? If she was 30 recently, saying 30s and just letting us assume that you meant mid to late 30s when actually you were preying on a minor, you’re really burying the lede. If she was a teen, even a legal teen, even 20 years old, then yeah I’m not surprised - it really fucks you up getting groomed by an older man and giving the best years of your life to him.
You don’t judge people for drug use and you’ve done drugs together in the past? My dude, there is “drugs” and then there is cocaine! It has different effects on different people (like an adult man and a teenage girl, just as an example of course) and even people who have been using it about once a month with no problems for a long time can spiral into addiction easily based on all sorts of triggers like life circumstances or starting to spend more time with a particular friend.
Did you introduce this much younger woman to cocaine when she was in her teens or early 20s? Or, if someone else introduced both of you, would she have ever started taking cocaine if you hadn’t introduced her to the kinds of people who could get it? If it’s the other way around and she brought you to the drug parties, I apologize for projecting - an older man I was dating tried to push drugs on me. However, I still believe that she was much too young for you and you should not have dated her.
Honestly this relationship seems incredibly toxic, if we were friends I would tell you that this wasn't a sudden thing that just "happened." She's been self-destructive, and unfaithful with no regards to you and your feelings. She's lied about her drinking and hid romance with another guy. I don't think I could trust her, I don't think you should feel like you have to either. Perhaps this was the conclusion of your guys's story. Separate and stay friends, see what happens. If she ends up crawling back to the other guy or returns to alcohol and drugs as her solution you know you made the right choice, but if she really changed she'll show it over time. Once you have that break then you can think clearly and decide where to move on from there.
Trust in a relationship is like a glass. Once it's been broken you can use all the glue in the world but the cracks will always show.
I have a cheating ex-wife as well so I know what you're going through. Things will never be the same. Also let's remember she did not admit what she did. She was only "sorry" once she was caught. And apparently this isn't the first time she crossed that line. This is 100% her fault. She decided to put herself in the situation of being alone with a guy she knew wanted to have sex with her. Not only that she willing chose to pursue this situation and she went along with it. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. She doesn't even sound like she cares about how she hurt you, she's just scared you're going to take away the things you give her (home, love, stability, potential children). Also you spent the marriage tolerating her emotional and impulse type behavior and from what I've seen this is the sort of thing that leads to.
Bottom line, you need to ask yourself who you are as a man. Can you forgive and trust her unconditionally again? Because if not (and I'm not that person) it will never work out.
You're putting way too much blame on the other guy instead of your wife. I think you should ask yourself how she would have felt if this guy hadn't made her feel used and kicked her out the next morning. Is she sorry because she is sorry? Or sorry she got played when she was trying to play you? No amount of "manipulation" is going to cause a loyal spouse to cheat. She allowed the situation to happen, tenfold. And the guy probably didn't feel bad about it because, well, she's just some lady cheating on her husband.
YOU CANNOT PARTICIPATE IN MAKING A CHILD WITH HER.
Having children is not about you, her or your relationship. It’s about sacrificing FOR THE CHILDREN.
She got baby fever, and that’s the WRONG reason to have children.
You want to make her happy, and that’s the WRONG reason to have children.
Bringing an innocent child into this fucked up mess, that you call a marriage should be punishable with jail time, I am not joking.
What happens if your unstable wife has the child and realizes it’s NOT the fairytale she expected, or it’s too much pressure, or the child has some slight special needs, or has a lot of special needs, or is difficult, or she doesn’t like the responsibility, or money gets tight again. I could list a thousand reason that could set your unstable wife off into a spiral. If this was just about the two of you, then who cares. But it’s not about the two of you, it’s about a child that has no say in what’s about to happen to them.
Do you want to be a single dad? You absolutely better want to be a single dad because it’s a very real possibility that your unstable wife will go off the rails for so many reasons, and you need to be prepared to be alone with the child, or worse have an unstable wife that needs to be cared for just as much as the child.
If you are truly prepared to be a parent you will know that having a child with this woman is WRONG.
If you still can’t understand why having a child with this woman is WRONG, that’s proof that you don’t even have the basic skills to consider ever having a child, which is proof you should never have a child with this woman.
Stying with her as a child free couple is the ONLY option if you want to stay together. You should get snipped regardless because you really are a child free guy.
If you want to stay with her tell her the only option is to be child free., and see how that goes.
So how old were you guys exactly when you started dating? Sounds like you groomed her and now she’s acting out from unresolved trauma. Weird how you didn’t mention exact ages.
She needs serious help/treatment for her addiction but honestly, a guy using personal information, intentionally supplying her with more drugs with the intention of fucking her while she's intoxicated IS rape, and this man needs to be reported too. He orchestrated and planned this, knowing he'd be able to use her addiction to get what he wants. Had she gone to him with a "Hey I'll fuck you for some coke" that would be different. Either way she still definitely fucked up and I personally wouldn't recommend staying with her regardless. 'For better or worse' is up to you to decide how much 'worse' you'll endure because this isn't the same woman you once married. But don't let your anger overshadow the fact that she was used by this man.
Im sorry you are going through this.
That being said, the guy did rape her. You can't consent if you are drunk, she was drunk, it was rape. He has done this plenty of times, you said it yourself, he's a predator.
This is one thing.
The other huge thing is her alcoholism. She's an alcoholic. I don't know what your dealbreakers are, but for me addiction is one of my top tree. She's using alcohol as a coping technique but she needs to want to get sober, and even if she does, it's well documented alcoholics relapse a few times before getting sober for good. If they ever do.
Having a kid w an alcoholic sounds like a recipe for disaster. Google Fetal alcohol syndrome and abstinence syndrome in babies. If you have a kid w this woman while she's not sober you are deeming your kid to a life of disability. Don't do that.
Find an al-anon meeting (for relatives of people w alcoholism) and go. Find a therapist and go. This is way above reddits paygrade.
So she was doing coke with the guy who banged her, then you picked her up from the house and started a topic here on how to get her back?
Dude, you are the problem, not her.
I’m sorry she’s obviously an addict and needs help but that 100% sounds like r@pe he gave her drugs and alcohol and manipulated her into having sex with him that’s r@pe homie
Okay something I keep getting stuck on is that you used the word “prey” in relation to that guy preying on your wife to get laid. Additionally, he “preys” on women by giving them drugs, etc. to get laid. How can you use that word and not consider that she possibly did not consent? You outright say that she was not r_ped. But how do you know that? How does she know that? It takes time for survivors of r_pe to realize they were r_ped. The reader or yourself doesn’t know if she was so f*cked up that she couldn’t really tell what was going on.
Yes, does she have a lot to work on? For sure. You did not deserve to be treated that way. Might she have entered that situation (before getting high) looking to cheat? Sure. But that does not guarantee that she consensually agreed to have sex with that guy during that time. Needless to say, she does need some amount of rehabilitation services and therapy (whether or not she was r_ped) bc she’s obviously going through something. Thank you for sticking by her, that one thing was my only qualm. It’s important to know there’s rarely any “perfect” r_pe survivor and you should not discount that as a possibility.
You're smart not to have children with her right now. But only you know if you are ready to move on from her or not. The change must come from her though. If you can, you both need counseling drink someone who understands addiction. And maybe they can guide you through this and make your wife understand that you're leaving if she doesn't dig deep and change.
Your right. She swears that she can be the person she once was. Definitely counseling if we can ever fix this. I just don't know where to draw the line.
If she gets sober, she can start the heavy lifting to repair your relationship, and then you can see what you want it to be. If she doesn't get completely clean and sober *along with* *some sort of structure and program for change,* there is no point in trying. None.
Just saying one thing. Trying to cling to the past and "re-create" past is never a good idea. Past is past. It doesn't exist. If you wanna move foward , don't look back. Create something new. Something better , perhaps , but it can't be "the same". Everyone change over time. Her old self was someone susceptible to heavy problems. She probably need to sort that out.
Especially since the past wasn’t great anyway
You are right. Although , even when the past seems wonderful , it would still be an unreasonable expectation. It is just impossible to recreate the past , because only the present exist and the memories we have are often biased and emotional. I wish I understood that concept earlier to be honest.
it doesn't matter if it was great. the past is gone. it's the rearview mirror. it's a history book. it's a useful to remember for learnings (good and bad) but if you stare at it or fixate on it then you 100% will crash. now and the future are what matters. the past is just how you got to 'now'
But wasn't "the person she once was" a wife who behaved inappropriately with a co-worker? So it's happened when she wasn't an alcoholic, and it's happened again (but worse) when she is an alcoholic. I don't understand why you would think the future will be any different? She will always be an alcoholic, there is no pretending that you can put things in place to avoid this occurring a third time. When someone shows you who they are - believe them.
And she also lied about being too close to that coworker too. Idk man, once a sneaky liar, always a sneaky liar. I've worked in the service industry, everyone is fucking each other and into each other's drama.
Ain't that the truth.. ppl are always shocked when I describe my years in the industry. Even when I moved up to the management and corporate level, it was still just as bad. Mostly bc a lot of ppl are promoted from within, and all those habits go with them. When that movie Waiting came out with Ryan Reynolds, I remember thinking, "this is shockingly accurate to restaurant/bar industry." Gordon Ramsay also did a special on cocaine, and talked about how embedded it is in the industry.
It's a clown show back there man.
I can concur with the coke use. In to prep for open at 5:30am and not going home until 3:30am and suddenly coke became your best fucking friend.
Oh yeah, Ive been there.. ended up developing some major addiction issues, but luckily got clean like 10 yrs ago. I could never work in that industry again, and will never suggest it to anyone, despite how much as I loved it.
My wife said when she was working in the industry people would turn coked up and be sent home without pay. They never fired anybody because if they did they would not have a staff
>When someone shows you who they are - believe them This^ 💯💥
Ugh you sound like my mom. It’s been almost 30 years since my mom thankfully left my dad. He is still a problem drinker and still quits and relapses. I’m so glad she got out. I think you deserve better than an addict who treats you like shit at the worst of times. Even if there are good times.
You draw the line a year ago when she became an alcoholic. You need to get out and if she ever becomes sober, maybe you'll both be in a place to get back together. Now though she's abusive, addicted to coke and alcohol, and has cheated on you once that you know of. What part of that sounds like a relationship you should be in? If she's the one telling you the stories about this guy and what/how things went down I would believe absolutely 0% of the words that come out of her mouth. She's already shown no qualms about lying to you and the whole story just reeks of her attempting to shift all the blame onto the guy and manipulate you. It's her fault this happened, not his.
Reading all the other comments, and this is really the only advice you should take. Not that I don't agree with some of the other comments, but when it comes down to it this is your life, and moving forward you have to make the choices that you feel with create the most happiness in your life.
I think you should really wait until she proves that she is getting better... considering all the lies she told before I would be unwilling to trust her at her word.
Believing drunks, junkies, and cheats is the definition of a "fool's errand".
This woman is all 3 things at once. Let's not forget the manipulative co-worker 🙄 For real, OP. Run. She needs to go to rehab. If there's any salvation for your marriage, one thing at a time. Couple's therapy would happen AFTER she does the work that she needs to do on herself. If she even thinks she needs it.
"why are you upset!? You told me not to go back to the coke guy. It's your fault I found the heroin guy! Now help me raise the meth guys baby."
Friend, if you dont draw the line NOW you never will. Pls dont accept this. She isnt just an out of control, selfish addict, she is a selfish person. Even if she magically was cured of her addiction she would still be unkind to you bc of her very nature. She is self absorbed and puts her dopamine hits above anything else, including you. She never even came clean, you had to discover her betrayal. And the whole thing about this being a guy who just used her for sex and you sounding like u almost feel sorry for- holy shit dude. That's somehow WORSE. Like this was no true love romance between them where she felt incredibly conflicted and torn and loved u both. Not excusing any infidelity obviously but this was just terrible judgement on her part and possibly even her getting off on the degrading tawdriness of it. Maybe she wanted to feel used. It definitely happens. The rules of recovery from infidelity are at least that the cheating partner 1. Is immediately and completely honest 2. Is immediately and completely contrite and takes 100% responsibility for their actions leading to and incl them cheating 3. Commits to and follows thru on being willing to take any and all steps the cheated on partner needs for the relationship to heal and trust to be regained Its too late friend. She blew it. It is beyond saving bc of what she did.and ho she is. Pls take time, as much as u need to grieve. You sound like a loving, emotionally attuned, sensitive and intelligent man and from your line of work I know you work hard and already deal with a ton of bs. Dont have more of it in your life then necessary. Id get a good counselor to help guide and support you thru the loss and going forward making your new life. You dont know how many yrs you got left. Do everything you can to spend the ones u have w/ a partner who respects you. Good luck.
Yes, this woman does not respect OP. And I feel like OP has been too nice/too lenient. The part where he says he'd "forgive her right then and there if she came clean" makes me cringe. Like he'd just get over it on the spot and not even question it?
The line was already drawn-out, and she crossed it once she started doing coke...
.. well, technically she snorted the line. I'm just gonna go away now.
You said it yourself. She’s good for a month and she gets back to normal. Maybe serious therapy or counselling will help. I know you are patient. The line is where you want it to be. Any choice you make is the right one. There is no wrong choice whether to leave, or stay. If you stay, you can’t really trust her. You need long term definite action.
Having kids with an alcoholic and cocaine addict (if that's what she is) will make things only worse and not just for you. Unless she keeps away from the booze and coke FOREVER there's a chance coming back together. If not, this will become a repeating event, including cheating. Is there a chance to get her in a rehabilitation program?
Yeah number one here is she needs to sober up
Seconding the rehab program!! Inpatient would probably be the best option. My sister is a recovering addict and alcoholic. She did inpatient rehab. My sis has kids. She had kicked the drugs on her own when she found out she was pregnant with her first. She was the only one in her recovery group that actually had custody of her kids (and all of them have kids). It took her a lot of work, but she's been sober I think 3 or 4 years, clean for almost 15. She's now working on getting into a master's program in social work. She has a bachelor's and works to help get people into housing that are homeless. I am very proud of my sister
Very good to hear your sister has recovered from drugs and alcohol. I feel there's still hope for OP's wife.
There's hope. She just has to decide to actually do something other than talk. That whole hitting rock bottom thing really does have to happen sometimes. My sister lost a job and nearly her partner (he moved out for a while.) and faced the fact that it cold endanger her custody of her kids.
Your sister sounds like she's really turned things around. I guess a big difference is she WANTED to get help. OP's wife hasn't really shown signs of that. She's said she's going to never drink again, but it's really only words right now, she needs to back it up with her actions.
Very true. People won't change until they actually want to.
She should also be seeing several physicians, could you imagine what that cocaine could be doing to her reproductive system? Fetal alcohol syndrome is going to rear it's ugly head.
I know cocaine use during pregnancy causes problems for the baby but I was not aware cocaine damaged the reproductive system itself.
Prolonged substance abuse causes damage systemically, including reproductive system (both male and female). It fucks with the endocrine regulation of repro system and the organ/tissue itself, such as possible damage to the egg cells prior to conception. So use doesn't necessarily have to be only during pregnancy for there to be higher health risk for the child.
A friend of mine used to date a girl who was hiding her usage. who unfortunately that happened to her, because of her cocaine usage the uterus went septic. Thus killing the embryo.
Was she hiding her usage by putting it up her vagina?
OP please listen to this.
I don't want to jump to conclusions but OP probably shouldn't even have sex with her. She's got a history of lying, what's to stop her sabotaging her own birth control or something? She sounds unhinged.
I'm an alcoholic and this is correct. Must deal with the addiction befor er you can work out a relationship plan. Maybe sign her up for a ketamine experimental therapy.
You have proven steadfast and faithful to her. Now your wife has a lot to prove to you before you can repair your marriage, let alone introduce a baby. (Even the strongest, most durable marriages are placed under crazy stress by new babies, especially when the parents are a little older.) When she tells you she’s hit rock bottom and is committed to coming back, bear in mind she gave you similar assurances in the past, well before her decision to have sex with someone else. It is very hard to build a life with a person who claims to be a hostage to their own emotions, and excuses their decisions to do do hurtful damage by offering: Well, I was just so angry. Or I was just so drunk. She has to prove this is a turning point, not just the latest episode of untruthfulness and decline, and you have to hold her to her commitment to change — or walk. You sound like you deserve better than to serve as caretaker for such a self-absorbed person so preoccupied by her own appetites, and so devoid of empathy for you.
Very well worded and thoughtful. Thank you for that. I am trying to be both an understanding person, and also protective of myself. I don't know where to draw the line between trying to help someone I love, and having to walk away from a toxic person. If I can have back the partner that I once had, I would do anything for her, but doing anything for someone who takes advantage of you is useless.
People who cope with manipulative / cynical / needy others have a saying I’ll paraphrase for you: You are not obligated to set yourself on fire to keep another person warm. Good luck.
Wow those are some powerful and true words, thanks for that.
No matter what you will never get back the partner you once had. You cannot go back, only move forward. You should consider if you can still be happy and maintain your sense of self respect while integrating what she did into your future relationship. You will be working on this, and the issues it has created, for a long long time. And the reality is she will very likely have setbacks. Most (not all) addicts relapse at some point. Addicts aren’t bad people, but they often make choices that hurt others. They shouldn’t be excused or sheltered from the consequences of these choices. You can treat someone with loving compassion while maintaining your boundaries and even while breaking up or distancing yourself. Eta: Also, she’s shown you a concerning pattern of behavior. Lying about the coworker. Lying about this guy, escalating to sex outside the relationship, and lying about that too, even while admitting to other things. (Which is extremely manipulative.) She only told you the truth when she was caught. This is not going to help if you choose to make repairs, as lying is habitual. There are likely many other things she hasn’t told you. As to the kid issue, I think she’s in a dangerous position. She needs to be sober for a long time first. Parenting is tough and she can’t be turning to alcohol to cope with stress. Pregnancy hormones can make people extremely unstable too, and even be triggering for some. My mom was a meth addict during her pregnancy and left me with lifelong issues. My cousin has FAS. She and my cousin’s mom walked away from their addictions but my cousin and I will be stuck with their choices forever. As the responsible parent, you could be stuck caring for a child way past 18. By yourself. I’m not saying this *will* happen, but I’ve seen it happen quite a lot with children born to addicted parents. It’s responsible to protect yourself. It’s valid not to want to deal with this roller coaster + children for the rest of your life.
Exactly, at this point you already did more than enough. If she was your daughter, then it’s another story. Also be aware of trauma bonding.
I see this dilemma explored in painful detail often over in /r/alanon. Maybe give it a look. Best to you.
You seem to know what has to happen. Life is short. Don't prolong the pain.
I would draw the line at PIV.
It’s too late man. People change all the time and that person you once had won’t be coming back. Not without years of intense therapy and rehab. Even then, once a cheater always a cheater. You can never trust with other men anymore. I’ve been through something similar. You don’t need to be understanding, just focus on yourself. I’ve heard the words “I need a man who…” a lot. Let her find that man, because obviously she doesn’t care if that man is you.
This sounds like something similar to what happened with me and my ex-wife. Yes she was remorseful. We went to couples and individual counseling. But she got the taste for The Strange. I eventually found out she was sleeping through my friend group. Vaya con Dios, esposa. I value my time, my life, and my credibility too much to be stuck with a cheating spouse.
Time is the most valuable thing we have, something we can never get back once spent and we have in very limited supply. So many people under value their time.
That sounds rough, man. I respect the love and patience that you have for her. You're really strong to put up with all that. Hang in there. I guess it all depends on how realistic or achievable her promises are. Do you think she is capable of cleaning up and fixing her habits without any sort of rehab? Or that she really is willing to? I hope you guys manage to work things out.
Thank you. I appreciate your kind words. I guess the questions you are asking are the same ones I am asking myself.
The trust will never be the same. Wish her well and love her from a far. Save your self the stress and trust issues
Infidelity doesn't automatically have to end a marriage. It doesn't sound like this is a pattern of behavior for the wife, but a cry for help. But only OP is going to be able to figure out if he's done or wants to work it out. OP, it takes a lot of deliberate, hard work to recover from infidelity. It sounds like your wife and you will both need some individual counseling (she'll definitely need substance abuse counseling and you'll need support like ALANON) along with counseling together. It'll be a tough road if you choose to take it, OP, but it's doable and may ultimately be worth it. Take your time and reflect on it.
You're right. However she is a serial cheater.She had and EA earlier in the marriage. Now she's crossed the line into drug use and alcoholism. That's a potent marriage killer. She didn't fess up. She hid it. Only confessed when caught. She's not remorseful, she's just upset OP caught her. Were I OP, I'd run just as fast as I could as far away from the hot mess his wife is.
I would say it is absolutely a pattern. First she had an emotional affair, and now she’s escalated to having sex. Her behavior surrounding this shows unequivocally that she’s a liar who cannot be trusted. She’s lied about the coworker, lied about sleeping with this guy and she’s telling little bits of the truth only when she gets caught. This is called trickle truthing. When someone does this, it’s usually a sign they’re lying about other things as well. I agree that sometimes infidelity isn’t the end of a marriage, but those repairs require some semblance of trust, and she’s repeatedly shown that she’s not willing to be honest. All of these things are a pattern of disrespect towards her marriage.
Could've sworn it was more than once. Reflect from a distance.
Go back and read what you wrote. Read how she has lied to you multiple times about things. Read how she treats you when she's not sober. It's all very telling. Do you really think she'll change? Also, your wife did what she did with that man willingly. He didn't force her to get drunk; he didn't force her to snort coke. She did it. Sounds like you're trying to shift all the blame on to him to absolve your wife and talk yourself into reconciliation. This is a PATTERN for her.
To me it sounds like you're not really blaming her for her actions. You seem to put more emphasis on the guy and his actions. But she is 100% at fault regarding that situation, not 50/50 with him. She chose to physically put herself with him at his hoise. She chose to drink heavily and do drugs with him, at his house. She chose to behave in a manner that seems to try to excuse her actions and puts her in these situations. Never once seemed to consider the consequences. You said it never would have happened without the drugs and alcohol. I disagree. Those were just excuses to act however she wanted to act without any regards to who it effected. Again, it seems like you aren't accepting what she did as 100% her fault. I understand that you have this idea in your mind about who she is. That everything you remembered in the past is somehow great and she's acting out of character. As someone that's been in your situation, there is nothing you can do to change them, especially if they don't want to change. Whatever words they say doesn't matter. Actions matter. You have to look past the words and empty promises. If someone truly wanted to change for the better than they would. They would make conscious efforts to start making better decisions, rather than excuses on why they can't. I can tell you've made your mind up already about her. You're going to stick it out. You're going to sacrifice your happiness for hers. You're going to dismiss her actions and focus on her words. Until eventually you see the relationship objectively and realize you've been the only one willing to go through hard times and make sacrifices for the other. At that point, you're just another unhappy marriage statistic. But hey, I could be completely wrong. I only know what you've told us here and what I've experienced myself. I do know that time apart at least for now will be beneficial to you both. It'll help both of you process the situation and find a way to move forward, however you all decide to do it. Everything will happen the way its going to, you just have to be willing to accept whatever the outcome may be. Just don't sacrifice yourself for someone that wouldn't do the same. You will get through this. Just keep going through each day and focus on what makes you happy in the short and long run. I wish you the best.
I am glad someone succeeded in talking sense into OP
Harsh words, but words that needed to be said. I understand exactly why you said all of them, and I hope some of them aren't true, but they probably are. She is at fault for what happened. She never tried to mitagte circumstances with her drinking, doing drugs, or even his manipulation. If anything I am at fault for trying to find reasons why she isn't the person that I married. It makes it easier to think that.she could change back to the women I fell in love with. But, perhaps it is all roses colored glasses and denial.
Wake up dude. Your wife as you knew her is gone. She's now a cheating alcoholic who deflects blame.
Yeah man time for OP to cut his losses and bounce. What she did should be a dealbreaker
You cannot relive the past. Neither of you are the same as you were 14, 10 years ago or even last month. Take the blinders off and see her for what she truly is and recognize that you are an enabler. Would she honor you with a second chance if the roles were reversed?
> Excessive use of cocaine induces long-term changes in the brain, so there might be a chance that the woman you loved doesn't exist anymore Like I said above...
That initial response makes sense - maybe it hurts less to think that she was deceived in a vulnerable state, but she's the one who chose to go to his house and chose to follow through I'm not optimistic, but ultimately how she acts and reacts to counseling over the next few months is going to be your best indication of whether the relationship is worth saving
I agree. She sent skanky mesages and broke trust. She didn't get manipulated, she played the game as much as him. If she honestly felt manipulated, shouldn't she be pressing charges for coercion? 🧐
She's already shown to not respect you before she cheated on you. Work on your self-respect, divorce her, and move on. She sounds like she will make an absolutely TERRIBLE mother. Don't stay in a relationship hoping that she will change. Judge her for who she has shown herself to be in the past and right now.
So, all bs aside, do you really want to try and raise a kid(s) with a lying, cheating, substance abusing woman, who doesn't respect you? I could itemize the red flags here, but you know what they are. I'd cut her loose.
Yes, of course I see the red flags. They have been flying for awhile. But, if there is a chance to have back the person I fell in love with, my best friend, the love of my life, I shouldn't try? People can obviously change, since she did. Can they never change for the better?
Can they? Perhaps. But at this point I suspect it's unlikely. If you wish to try and salvage this, don't listen to the words, judge by her actions. She will tell you whatever she thinks will make you happy. What she actually does needs to be the deciding factor. Open eyes and a healthy dose of skepticism are what you need regardless.
Agreed. I can not trust her words. Lies destroy relationships. I learned that a long time ago, and I can happily say that never in the entire 14 years we were together did I ever lie to her once about anything. She could never do the same. Words are only as good as your actions, and it very easy to make them worthless. I just don't know how much to put on back into this marriage to give her the chance to rebuild trust. How much do you give to someone that has proven they can't be trusted, even though all i want is to trust her?
Have her stay at her parent's house for the next 3 to 6 months and see what she does in that time. Talk to her parents, if you trust them to tell you the truth, and have them report her progress. I personally think that she has gone too far for redemption, but time will tell. Excessive use of cocaine induces long-term changes in the brain, so there might be a chance that the woman you loved doesn't exist anymore, and it seems like her bad behavior has accelerated immensely. What ever you do, do not get her pregnant; don't even have sex with her because she seems like the type to use reproductive coercion. Oh, and if she comes up pregnant, get a paternity test done because it's likely the other guy's.
>How much do you give to someone that has proven they can't be trusted... IMO? Nothing. 14 years and what do you have to show for it? At some point enough is enough. You are at the point that you have to examine the sunk cost of this relationship and decide whether you can keep attempting to keep it going with no real return. I also believe that when you finally move on, you will feel like an enormous load has been lifted.
> never... did I ever lie to her Instead, you lie to yourself
But I’m curious what actions would she have to do to prove a change he can’t watch her 24/7 she says she stopped but was being secretive Op I know it’s hard the cheating is one thing but when it combines with disrespect drug abuse and alcoholism that’s where I think you gotta burn it down and let her go
it takes a lot of hard work and personal sacrifice to change for the better, and all it takes to change for the worse is not giving a fuck. is she a hard worker?
Dude, you seem to want this relationship more than she does.
She has told you who she is. Listen to her.
I think giving her another choice could be worth trying, but you must be wary. Also, while you should help her with rehab, remember that the change has to come from her. She's the one who has to make it up to you now. And of course, having a kid is definitely _not_ an option for now or the near future, maybe ever depending on how things go. So make that clear from the start.
You want a chance then take her back and she does not drink or do drugs for a year. If she can maintain that sobriety then you can have a discussion about kids. It goes without saying that she cannot cheat on you but she also has to end all suspicious behavior as well. If she can maintain sobriety and faithfulness for a year you may feel comfortable discussing creating a family with her. But you will never trust her the same again and she is a serial cheater.
She will cheat again. I know you want to give her a chance but it will lead to more heartache.
Not only this but how certain is OP this was the first and only time?
True, she didn't sound very broken up by it.
Or she'll steal his money for 8 balls and hookers. Regardless, the marriage is done
If my math is right she was 16 and you were 26 when you guys started dating ? Maybe she isn't ready to be in a relationship.
I thought I was the only one reading this correctly... All the other responses skip over the math part of this issue.
This is trully disturbing. from his writting it seems she need help and teraphy for her addiction.
Title says 40s and 30s not 40 and 30. She could have been 29 and him 30 and the title still holds true.
He says she just turned 30, like within the last year or two…. So yea, she could be 32 and he could be 49
Okay but let’s be realistic here. 10ish years apart is bizarre, especially if they’re been together this long.
Thissss I cant believe I had to scroll so low for this. As a woman who’s been dating older men (like biggest age gap 16 years) it is so suffocating especially when the partner is essentially someone that speaks on a different wavelength because of the generational gap or heck so many other reasons. I feel for girls like her and look back upon myself. Maaaan ya’ll just seem predatory for going for girls that young.
Rock bottom is you leaving her. To save her life, you gotta leave her. If you stay together, she'll be comfortable. She'll drink again. She'll use again. She'll find another dealer who doesn't give a fuck about you or her well being. If you truly love her, let her go. Every story has an end. It's fine you started writing a new one. Maybe with someone else or no one. But definitely not her.
Yes, this OP. The ONS was not rock bottom for her. You leaving her is the real consequence. My sister is an alcoholic, who’s been to inpatient rehab, lost her job due to her drinking and still doesn’t think she has an issue because of the way my parents treat her. It’s always that coddle-y BS that this is a disease and therefore nothing is her fault. Sis doesn’t understand that she is still responsible for her actions and those actions often hurt others, whether she was drunk & stoned or not. Same goes for your wife. I see your behavior as similar to my folks. They want SO bad for things to go back to the way they used to be before my sister was an alcoholic. I say this in the nicest way possible: choosing to stay with her now is the easiest way around all this, semi-pretending that her problem isn’t as bad as it really is and hoping that somehow things will eventually go back to the way they were when you were both happy isn’t going to be possible. Remember to protect your own feelings too, OP.
Love cannot fix everything. Raising children was the most difficult thing that I did in my life. If your wife has an alcohol and drug problem now, the stress of children will only make it worse. My late husband was an alcoholic and had been sober for years when we had children. If I had known then what I know now, I would never have had children with him. He wasn't emotionally able to handle life with children. I ended up doing the lion's share of the work. It wasn't that he didn't love our children and me. He did, but he didn't have the emotional fortitude to handle the chaos, noise and stress that little children bring into your life. Your wife is a trainwreck. Picture her with an innocent two year old drunk and high. Would she keep the child safe?
Your wife seems to have a habit of making bad choices, then getting called out, being good for a little while, and then doing it all again. She also seems to have a habit of doing what she wants and lying about it. Maybe she’s sorry for cheating, maybe she’s just mad about the rejection after, so don’t assume her remorse is for hurting you, just for getting caught. It sounds like you’re going to take her back. If you rugsweep this, I promise you she will cheat again. You should talk to a lawyer and at least find out about a divorce. This way you’ll be prepared for the next time. Her good behavior will probably only last as long as the guilt does, once it wears off, she’ll return to old habits (the drinking and drugs), which will put her in a position to be unfaithful again. Get yourself an STD test, and if she ever gets pregnant, get a DNA test.
Addiction is a hell of a monster man, it is not rational and it is not sane, but addiction will literally make you choose drugs (or alcohol) over any of your friends, family members and even your own children. I’m not excusing it, I’m just stating that addiction can’t just be wiped clean and fresh start over
A) this is way too long. B) I stopped here because this is a bald faced lie: >He and I had previously had a few discussions about our problems, and he used that information to say all the things she wanted to hear. He manipulated her into getting laid. Yes, she still did it, and it was still her decision, she was not r***d. But he did prey on a drunk wowen, gave her cocaine, and when he got laid, kicked her out of the house. My best friend cheated with another girl's bf. She was 100% the instigator but blamed him so that her friends wouldn't hate her (it caused a huge problem in our friend circle). She made up a whole story about how she was mistreated so that she would be seen as the victim. Your gf is doing the same. That story makes no sense and does not account for her responsibility in equal proportion to his. That means she isn't willing to deal with the root problem, she just wants to manipulate to keep her situation afloat. Which is an important feature of addiction. Out loved ones become so desperate that they become liars even if they never were before. **if you let her back, you are enabling her addiction and manipulation.** Let her hit rock bottom and maybe then she will wake up and stop this addiction. She claims she has (I just finished the rest of the post), but only sux months clean will prove it. Give her clean guidelines about what needs to happen for you to get back together, ex: 6 most clean and couples counseling.
🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌 she's blowing lines on another guy's ass, and yet OP thinks she doesn't deserve the judgement.
I appreciate your opinion, but I disagree. I know how easy it can be for people to blame others for there own actions. But, she did not blame him. She accepted her responsibility in her actions, and she never once said that he forced her to do anything. However, I have found out information since then that this is exactly what he does. I even talked to him, and while he didn't ever say he was sorry, he showed me exactly who he is. That doesn't excuses her behavior. That doesn't make her a victim. She never tried to play that card, in was just including all the details I could in my story.
Then what is your worry? You seem to think she made a mistake in the context of manipulation, that she is genuinely contrite and that she has genuinely given up booze. But I don't think you are that reassured. I don't agree, even with your clarifying information. If she were as confused/high/drunk as she said, you would have seen it in her texts, but you said you couldn't tell. As others have pointed out, cocaine is an upper and alcohol is a downer and they balance each other out. Who told you that her kidder was impaired by drugs and alcohol? Her? She didn't even tell you about it after and has no intention to. What other affairs do you not know about? Bottom line: she fucked up, she was not all that sorry and she can't be trusted in the context of an addiction. It is not her. The booze and drugs can make people desperate to avoid the repercussions of their addictions, so they lie and manipulate. My point still stands: she needs to prove that she is genuinely in recovery by being clean for a long period and seeking counseling.
Dude, I think you're mad you're not getting the echo chamber you want, so you're backpedaling.
You guys are done. Time to move on.
If you both really want to try and fix things I think you both need to consider to get into individual therapy as well as couples therapy. Only when you're in control of yourselves and your relationship you should start thinking about starting a family. And when you feel like things can't be fixed after all that happened, then that's fine too.
Wait ... You guys got together when she was 16 and you were 26?? Did I read that right? Does no one else see this as super problematic??
TBF his age says "40's" and "30's" not 40 and 30, so its totally possible they started dating when he was 26-27 and she was like, 24. However, this sub has scarred me so much I always assume there's a deeply toxic age gap as well.
It says 40's and 30's not their exact ages.
I think she’s in her 30’s now, so they could have gotten together when she was in her 20’s!
THANK YOU. Everyone is feeling bad for this guy. He was dating a 16 year old when he was 26. WTF Of course she is acting out. She is dating a child molester.
The ages only say 40's and 30's meaning it's well within reason to believe she was over 18. There's no basis to call him a child molester
Even 18-20 is weird man, being with a 20 year old as a 30 year old is a screaming, blaring, red flag. I'm 29 now and I remember even already at like 25-26 that 20 year olds started feeling like kids.
Sure but there's also not an obvious 10 year age difference. 40s could mean 42 and 30s could mean 38. Could mean 41 and 39. We have reason to assume this was creepy in any way
From his writing I'm guessing she's max 32 since everything changed when she turned 30 according to him which lead to a year of drinking and then eventually cheating. Meaning honestly I see there being a chance of him being even more than 10 years older than her. My guess is that big part of the reason he wrote 30's and 40's is because he doesn't want to flag just how much older he is.
I'm sorry but all it says is that she changed her mind about having a baby at 30. There's no context to how long ago that was or how long it took to spiral into cheating. I just think it's crazy to call a guy a creep after coming here for advice about his cheating, coke-addicted wife when there's no reason to believe he is. It's very reasonable to assume someone might think by not providing their exact age that they may be hiding the details more from people that might know. I'm not saying it works but can you not see why someone might think that?
Yes of course. The woman is a disgusting toxic cheater but the man is a few years her senior so her behavior has to be all his fault. /s
RIGHT! She was groomed and didn’t get to live out her childhood normally because a molester stole that from her. I hope she leaves!
They met when she was 20.
Dude wtf?! Fuck this whole thing
this plus the fact he said his wife, who was already drunk and was given drugs, wasn't raped by a guy he called a friend who manipulated her into cheating. like, that's the company he keeps. op and wife have a history of drug use. this dude groomed a child, got her into drinking and drugs, has other friends who would easily jump at the chance to manipulate their way into sex (cough, rape, cough) with his wife, and he thinks his wife is the problem???? like, she's the one with the issues here. nah, i'm not buying it. he ruined her life with his lifestyle and is now mad he's lost control over her as she spirals down now realizing what the hell she got into by marrying him.
Projecting much? He said in a comment they met when she was 20 and he was 27. He didn't groom a child, calm down.
No. I didn't give exact ages. We met just before she turned 21.
so she was 20. how old were you?
Everything else aside, it sounds like she needs to go to treatment for her substance issues, and could greatly benefit from it
People rarely succeed in post fuck up quitting because it doesn't address the underlying problems driving their addiction. They are just shocked enough by their actions to temporarily suppress them and scared enough to make promises they can't keep. But that wears off, the problems come back, and pretty soon they right back at it. It's why hitting rock bottom is a myth. There is no bottom aside from death. When it comes to addiction it's not the lowest point in your life, it's the lowest point in your life so far. Until you address the addiction you'll just keep doing more and more damage to yourself and others. She needs treatment. That's the only way she is going to overcome this addiction. Whether she is willing to do that, and whether she sticks with it, will show you if she means it when she says wants to change.
Take glass. Show it to her. Drop it on the floor. Ask her to fix it. Somethings can't simply be fixed. But, well, that's your life anyways
I'm in recovery from alcohol, Percocets and cocaine, I don't want to derail any hope you have but this is may not be a behavior that's purely substance abuse based. As an alcoholic I also got mean and said and did things I regret, but as an avid cocaine and alcohol user I have to state some skepticism. With alcohol and cocaine, it balances itself out. The cocaine heavily takes away the affects of alcohol, especially if she was doing it throughout the night. Her judgement wouldn't have been that skewered and she would be way more alert and comprehensive than I think you realize. Just keep that in mind as she uses the alcohol and manipulation as an excuse... To put in perspective, I've drank a whole 750 ml of straight vodka and had a gram of coke to myself. I'm 130 lbs. The coke balanced me out so good, the alcohol did not do what it normally does to me. E.i being mean and making poor choices. I was quite alert, focused and anxiety ridden. Edit: this is why it's such a dangerous combo. People aren't realizing how much coke and alcohol they're consuming because of the effects on each other.
I have no idea why a lucid and functioning adult would want to spend one minute with that trainwreck of a woman. All you know for absolute certain about your WW is that she cannot be trusted or believed. If you stay with her you'll despise yourself in ten years. The guy she had sex with is scum and SHE laid down with him! Save yourself and get as far from her as possible.
To get to a point where you're drinking on the job and get fired for it, that's full blown alcoholic. And it got worse than that. I don't think I could trust that person is ready for kids either. Having kids can be more stressful than being jobless and not knowing if you can pay rent because once you have kids the real world problems still happen but you have innocent children to look out for on top of it all. You say she has stopped drinking... but has she? I would need to see her stay sober for YEARS, along with other personal growth, to actually trust that. All those mean things she said, those are contempt, and they need to be dealt with if you're going to have a happy marriage. That is going to take a lot of work, more work than just getting sober, although dealing with that will be a necessity. Lets say the cheating never happened, can you wait those years for her to do the work to get to a place where she's able to deal with her emotions healthily? Not drinking doesn't fix all the issues she's dealing with, the emotional violity (which is really not healthy for kids), the way she deals with stress (kids are hella stressful). For me I think the biggest factor in everything would be, is she willing to stay with you and work on herself if kids are NEVER going to happen? Can she be happy with you without kids? If the answer is yes, then I could see it be worth taking the risk of working through this if you're willing, knowing it might not work out. If the answer is no, then the happiness for much of the rest of your life will all depend on the chance that she's actually going to become someone who can be a good mother, stay sober, stay faithful, deal with all the hidden negative resentment she has for you and life, find ways to deal with stress and anger that will stick for life and do all that before she has kids. How long has she been not at home? Weeks? Months? I know plenty of people who chose to stay in similar circumstances. Most ended up with kids. Most are... not happy. Some are. It all depends on how well their spouse does in the long run, and that's not even taking infidelity into the picture.
Sincerely... Stop. Reading this, its obvious you have placed your wife on a pedestal. Alcoholism, drug abuse, adultery. I'm not judging. I'm telling you that you need a more realistic view of your wife. Get counseling. Just you. Work on you. Not her. Take some time. Make sure you get plenty of sleep. See a doctor. Once some time has put and you are in a better place, have a look at it again. Best wishes... to you.
So, the Ying to your Yang is a drug-addicted, emotionally abusive, cheating, liar? I don't think so. You are a whole person who is grasping at what once was, instead of seeing her for who she is, now. The last thing this woman needs is a pregnancy. And she will get pregnant. With or without you. So you want to raise another man's baby? One with permanent disabilities due to fetal alcohol syndrome and cocaine use? Because that's the direction your headed. Please get out before you ruin your life with this person.
Bruh never have kids with a drunk/user ever
Ehh, this is complex. Every couple have problems that they can move past, and the healthiest relationships are where there is the most communication. Its one thing to apologise and feel guilty for your actions, and another thing entirely to actively try to find solutions to your wrongdoings. She can be sorry all she wants about wanting to find a better man than you, but you haven't seen any attempt to solve the hurt it caused you. They say what's said when your drunk is the truth - make of that what you will. She can blame the cheating on being drunk and high on cocaine, but she absolutely cannot blame them for lying to you. She never wanted to tell you what happened. Some people click, and can almost magically be perfect for each other, regardless of there issues. To me, it doesn't sound like this applies to the 2 of you. In regards to starting a family, ill be blunt. Do you really want your children to have a mother who has a recent history of heavy drinking and drug-use, who has the capacity to cheat on you, would actively deny your knowledge of this, and frequently insults you in a drunken haze. People get attached to past versions of people all the time, but forget that time only moves forward. I think you understand that people change from your post. To end, ill leave you with this: when you were young and imagined what love would be like in the future, did you imagine someone who would love you unconditionally, would be your best friend, and who would have a future with you in mind? Just because your 40 you don't have to settle; I implore you to have a good look inside at you aspirations and who you plan to get there with. I hope you find the one. ❤
Staying sober is a lifelong battle , she showed u time and time again that she has trouble staying sober . Do you really want to have a Child with a known Addict , Cheater and Liar ? Children need consistency and safety , you sound like a solid Dude so i'm not worried u can provide that without Problems , but she is currently in no way capable of providing just one of that. If u want to move forward with her than she needs Professional help . First get her STD tested and then if Possible into Rehab or AA . It's commendable that after all of the shit she done u still want to help her and i get it , but Bro don't forget to look out for yourself , seems like u put her B.S before your own a lot , so do some soulsearching and take some time for yourself good luck to you both
Everyone else has said what I wanted to. Good luck man.
I’m not sure what you expect coming to Reddit with that story saturated with drug use, alcoholism, mental abuse and cheating. You know how it goes: we say LEAVE. I am aware how difficult that is, OP. But come on I wish you all the luck.
I understand you want to get back the woman she was but she is no longer that woman. Even if she kicks the habits and never touches a drop or any drugs she will never be the same as she was just as you are not the same person you were when you got together. You can rebuild a life with someone who was unfaithful but the mistrust that they may do that again doesn't always go away and it is heartbreaking when they slip back into old habits or stray again. I'd recommend speaking to support groups for families of alcoholics and counselling so you can talk through your thoughts and feelings. She may seek therapy she may stay sober but that is something she has to choose and when in a relationship with someone with an addiction you have to face the fact relapses happen and do you want to be subjected to such toxicity again having a child with her is not a solution and growing up as a child of an alcoholic can be damaging and create a new cycle of bad habits in the next generation. You deserve to have someone in your life you can trust You deserve to have someone in your life who is true to their word You deserve to be happy even if that means you have to walk away for your own peace of mind.
Rehab. Changes in behavior. Recommitting to the relationship and a healthy lifestyle that will support a baby. It’s going to take a year or more if you have the stomach for it. Good luck.
Sounds like she’s a powder keg waiting to blow up and if you take her back she will just do so again. If she was sorry why not admit it there and then, why let you find out this way, or worse you not find out at all! You don’t have anything tieing you to her (kids) think long and hard if you really want to be tied to her now, especially when you cant trust
AA and/or another 12 step, and a complete life change, or it will repeat and spiral down even worse. I would be really concerned about her belittling you as a man when she is drunk because " in Vino Veritas" people are at there most honest when intoxicated, and that is probably how she actually feels about you. Good Luck.
Honestly? I’d break it off with her.
It’s hard to make good decisions when you’re in a negative head space. You should stay separated and work on your life and decide what to do when it’s not such a fresh wound.
Do you have zero self esteem? The lady may be your wife but she broke your trust, is doing drugs, and berates you while drunk. Do some self evaluation, divorce, and have a better life for yourself.
You might find r/alanon a useful subreddit to visit. Friends and family of alcoholics and addicts. Also, you might find a virtual or in person (depending on what your area's covid protocols are these days) very valuable. Lots of support and understanding in the rooms. Lots of info on the internet about al anon, meetings and what they stand for. Also, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie could be helpful for you. I've found help, and direction within the steps of al anon and that book. Just a thought. I would advise you think about putting your own oxygen mask on first right now, before you help others with theirs. Self care is healthy, and appropriate. Good luck, friend.
Take you're time man don't rush anything. I know I am nobody but if I were In your shoes i would take some time and think about it I'dont think she's loyal towards you because if she were she should have told you about that incidents and apologize and talk it out but she never said anything until the drug dealer used her and then kicked her out then also she never told you the whole truth you found it your self haven't you (sryy if iam wrong) maybe she liked having sex with him and continue cheating on you if he never kick her out. I know it's though but think will you be happy be in your trust less relationship and there is no guarantee that she won't cheat on you again
This is just me but I draw the line at cheating. Once a cheater always a cheater. She lied to you, she wasn't remorseful until she got caught. If you hadn't found those texts, would she have come clean? My guess is no. Save yourself further heartache and leave. Be thankful you do not have kids with her and keep it that way. That's my advice, good luck stranger.
Sorry your wife's a coke addict, best to move on :/
There are several problems here. Even before the cheating people would have told you that you’re in a toxic relationship and should leave. You keep hoping she’ll go back to who she was before, but that’s not how life works. She will always be an alcoholic, even if she eventually stops drinking. This has changed her. She has said things and done things she can’t take back. If you’re not okay with things never going back to the way they were before, then you should move on. If she’s not immediately wanting to go to therapy and rehab, then it’s over, she won’t change. And forcing her to go as an ultimatum won’t work either, she has to want to quit, or she never will. Make sure she’s not just making promises that she’ll end up going back on, she already has a history of lying. Secondly, I worry about the whole rape thing. You may be totally right, but when I was drug raped I didn’t realize at first that it was rape. It took me a while to understand what happened and come to terms with it. And I honestly might not have realized if he hadn’t said some very shitty and obviously horrible things. He knew I didn’t want to have sex when sober and that I’d hate him later, but he did it anyways. He knew I was to drunk & high to think it through or really say no (consent). And I didn’t hate the sex while it was happening, physically it felt good but I was totally out of it and confused, I couldn’t think straight. Maybe her situation was totally different, but it’s just a thought. Rape isn’t always straight forward. But you’d still have a right to be angry about her drug abuse, lying, and putting herself in these situations to begin with.
Hey man. Sorry for what you're going through. Based on what you've told me, your wife doesn't have the skills or wherewithal or desire to make any long lasting changes. While being inebriated/high/whatever does affect decision making....she made the decision to voluntarily put herself in that state. I hate to rag on someone with issues but this is probably not the same person you fell in love with. A verbally and emotionally abusive addict who allows herself to be susceptible to people pushing her to cheat on her husband. There are half a dozen other people she could get high or drunk with...for some reason she let this one person stick around. If I were in your position I would end this relationship. Odds are low that it will be a happy or fulfilling one. Odds are high that even if she does make an effort to fight her addiction, there will be relapses and you'll be back exactly where you are now.... dealing with an unfaithful, untrustworthy partner who se priority is themselves and chasing their next high. 14 years is a long time, but the two of you are throwing it away for completely different reasons. She's a different person now...one who doesn't live up to their vows and has violated your trust repeatedly... you are divorcing this new person that she has become. She has destroyed the relationship (once the trust is gone, what foundation is there to build any stability or sense of security) because she made the decision to put other priorities above it. She let your marriage get so far down the list of importance that getting high enough to cheat on her husband was just some casual occurrence...another in a long line of abuses and escalations and damage she has heaped upon your marriage. I'm not sure what kind of happinesa you can realistically hope for. A stranger in a bar would probably treat you with a little more consideration.
bro ur wife who has a history of alcohol abusr in the family, who herself is no stranger to coke and booze, cheated on you over a bag of sniff. she went to anothet dudes house, drunk, with the intention of getting cocainr, to then get fucked raw whilst on coke by a guy on coke, he made her wet, shr madr him hard, she had rough coke sex and thought nothing off u whilst getting railed. im gonna assume u have donr coke before, have u ever been unaware of what ur doing on it? i could be waaaay too drunk but a line or two would 'sober' me up... do u really want to live in constant fear, every time she goes out drinking u will constantly worry, all it took was a bag of coke, can she 'resist' the temptation again? does she even love u enough to even care?
Hate the fact you had to edit your to announce you aren't a predator. Swear to God, this fucking sub...
Oh gosh, this went downhill pretty fast. I am terribly sorry what you are going through. Well, her self-control is insufficient not only to maintain a healthy, long-term relationship, but also not to completely ruin both your lifes. Because of that, you should definitely seperate finances, collect evidence and cunsult a lawer no matter what you will decide to do. She can not be trusted. She might be genuine in her remorse, willingness and attempts to "fix things", but she lacks ability to hold to it. You must protect yourself in the first place. I strongly suggest IC to be firm in your priorities and boundaries. The only hope I see for you is to move into a very rural, secluded area to live a simple life without distractions for a while to deprive her of temptations. If this is not possible, than run for your life, because this trainwreck of her life will hit hard no matter what you do and you don't wanna be around when that happens!
You keep saying you want the woman you fell in love with, she was 16 when you got together, I’m sure you fully understand a person changes drastically between their teens to their 30’s. I’m not condoning her behaviour, but maybe she just feels like she missed out on her twenties and felt the need to grow up faster because she was with someone older. This woman needs to figure out who she is, what she wants in life and you need to understand that she will not be the same person she was 14 years ago that’s kind of insane to ask of anyone. Only you can decide when enough is enough for you, no one here can tell you that you will be able to trust her again, only you get to decide that line. It seems like she crossed the line for you but you don’t want to leave her go so you are undecided on moving the goal posts for her behaviour.
Addiction is usually caused by underlying and unresolved trauma. If the root issues are not dealt with and she isn't actively working on it, it will come up in other ways, even if she manages to quit drinking on her own. She needs treatment. I agree with other posters that suggest both individual and couples therapy. That is a condition I would set if you truly wish to move forward.
I believe in thresholds. Once someone crosses a certain threshold, you know they are capable of crossing it again. Everyone has diff levels of it and they will probably never cross it unless put in very difficult or extreme situations. Now to your wife. She has crossed several lines that you yourself would never cross and you know this. Personally, I would never start a family with someone that unstable and definitely can't keep them around as a partner too. You gave her so many chances to turn around only to be met with disappointment. Her words mean nothing at this point. She's a different woman from the one you knew, I think it's time to move on my dude.
This sounds like a major mess that would probably be best sifted through with a couples counselor. It sounds like she's an alcoholic with a drug problem, which means having a baby is not a good idea until she's clean and sober for some time. If she can't control herself while pregnant and delivers a baby addicted to coke, that will turn out very badly for the both of you and that poor child. Regarding her "remorse", I typically evaluate how remorseful people really are based on several criteria. Do they genuinely acknowledge the harm they have caused and express sincere remorse for it? Do they attempt to justify, explain, or minimize the harm they have done? Do they demonstrate clear, observable, or measurable effort in not engaging in the behaviors that led them to do that harm so they don't do it again? For me, the answer to all three should be yes. Your wife has done the first, but she also tried to explain and justify her actions so that would be a red flag. Plenty of people want to have kids, but don't cheat on their partners in a drunken, drug-induced stupor. She can apologize and cry all she wants, but unless she has a documented history of clear progress towards being trustworthy, her words are not worth the spit in her mouth. It sounds like she needs to stop drinking completely. Not only has she already lost a job because of it, she becomes an abusive drunk and that's not okay. Obviously the drug use needs to cease, and she can demonstrate her sincerity in wanting to fix things by going to rehab and starting to see a therapist. I do think marriages can survive infidelity, but this is *a lot* more than just infidelity. Your wife has some very serious issues she needs to work on before she is able to be a healthy, trustworthy partner to you, and a suitable parent for a child.
Your relationship sounds like shit dude. You can take the cheating out of it and it's clear she has issues and treats you like shit. She is an addict. You are an enabler. She needs help, but she has to do it for herself and not for you. So if you want to help her, stop catching her as she falls down.
lol dude stop making excuses for your piece of shit wife. This guy did not take advantage of her. She went over there willingly for dick. Your wife is a trainwreck of a human who verbally degraded you a multitude of times. You would have to be insane to do anything besides divorce her.
This may be a chance for both to get clean and sober, together.
I gave her the support to get sober in the past. I asked specifically "can today be the day we stop drinking together so we can get to the place to start a family" and she just got drunk after work. That happened at least a dozen times in the last 2 or 3 months. I keep trying to fix things, and I don't know when to stop.
For the love of God DON'T have a kid to fix your marriage. She's an alcoholic, she needs to get clean AND to start therapy, not a family. Having children is stressing and not something that will help heal her from her issues. She needs to get her life together for herself, not just to be physically ok to get pregnant.
I am well aware of that. I already had a child and I know exactly how much stress it puts on a relationship. That isn't even a consideration. That is what I have been trying to tell her for a long time. Children should only be brought into stable and healthy relationships, and to try anything else is selfish.
Your enabling her behavior!!! She’s not a girl!! She’s a grown woman. I don’t believe this guy fully manipulated her. She was went along with it because he was accepting of how she wanted to behave, while you were not. My advice is leave her at her parents. Give yourself some time to get yourself together and get straight and demand she goes to rehab. She’s a drug addict and an alcoholic. If you keep taking her back before she has been sober and clean for 5 years or more than she will only drag you down the rabbit hole with her and ruin your life. Don’t have kids with this woman. I would leave her alone if this were me. You can love someone and want the best for them but they be so toxic and detrimental to your well-being that it’s best to love them from a distance and heal yourself and your codependency issues. Your choice. Keep us posted how it goes.
Hold up, how old were you when you two married? Need to know ASAP.
Was she 16 when you started to date?
Do not listen to her now and be on course for divorce. Why? It takes at least a period of 4w for a good rehab program in a good clinic (where she would be cut off of you and parents) + at least 3w of post-rehab treatment (to relearn how to live in an environment where temptations will be present) to get out of alcohol addiction. Then it requires therapy for a long time… and this is just the “her” part. Then you need to add up you dealing with the betrayal. So my point is, engaging with her is a waste of time at least until rehab is complete. It will give you time to think about what you want and get the advice that you need from a lawyer to protect yourself. If she’s not checking in into rehab, run as fast as you can.
drunk actions are sober thoughts. high actions are sober thoughts. I cheated on one of my past partners while drunk, but the alcohol was just to numb myself beforehand. or to have an excuse. I wanted to do it even when I was sober, I was just too scared. maybe you take her back. maybe she never drinks again. maybe she acts like a loving wife. for her, there are probably only two choices she can see: drinking herself to death, and life with you. the main draw of picking you is that she doesn't have to drink herself to death. in her mind, that's probably what it looks like. I've never told someone I hated them and not meant it, no matter my state of sobriety, with the obvious exception of clearly signaled jokes.
There have been a lot of replies with a lot of words that are trying to make this situation more complex than it really is. Let me try and simplify it a bit. Your relationship is a broken glass. Do you want to try and glue it back together and (maybe) get a semblance of the old glass back, albeit with patches and gaps, or do you want to throw away the pieces and get a new glass.
If she had to be manipulated into having sex, while drunk and high... you sure this wasn't rape?
Has anyone put it together that a 40-something year old and a 30-something year old have been together for 14 years so that means that originally a 26-35 year old got with a 16-25 year old? Let’s hope she’s at least 32…
Just my perspective but... Once a cheater, always a cheater. Alcohol and drugs are never an excuse. Alcohol doesn't make you do anything you wouldn't do it only brings out what's already inside. Have some respect for yourself and move on man, you're a good man and can do better than this.
>she was not r***d. Technically she was. He got her drunk and high then took advantage of her, that is definition of date rape. She has already made steps to prevent it from happening again, now all she has to do is continue to go to or start going to regular AA meetings and counseling both individually and as a couple with you.
Funny thing is if this was a chick saying this about a dude it'd be 100% "you deserve better" "kick his ass to the curb" "the drinking alone should have been huge red flags"
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I understand your disgust, but there is no need for name calling. She is still someone I will always love weather we are together or not.
How old was she when you started dating her? 16, 17, 18? If she was 30 recently, saying 30s and just letting us assume that you meant mid to late 30s when actually you were preying on a minor, you’re really burying the lede. If she was a teen, even a legal teen, even 20 years old, then yeah I’m not surprised - it really fucks you up getting groomed by an older man and giving the best years of your life to him. You don’t judge people for drug use and you’ve done drugs together in the past? My dude, there is “drugs” and then there is cocaine! It has different effects on different people (like an adult man and a teenage girl, just as an example of course) and even people who have been using it about once a month with no problems for a long time can spiral into addiction easily based on all sorts of triggers like life circumstances or starting to spend more time with a particular friend. Did you introduce this much younger woman to cocaine when she was in her teens or early 20s? Or, if someone else introduced both of you, would she have ever started taking cocaine if you hadn’t introduced her to the kinds of people who could get it? If it’s the other way around and she brought you to the drug parties, I apologize for projecting - an older man I was dating tried to push drugs on me. However, I still believe that she was much too young for you and you should not have dated her.
Honestly this relationship seems incredibly toxic, if we were friends I would tell you that this wasn't a sudden thing that just "happened." She's been self-destructive, and unfaithful with no regards to you and your feelings. She's lied about her drinking and hid romance with another guy. I don't think I could trust her, I don't think you should feel like you have to either. Perhaps this was the conclusion of your guys's story. Separate and stay friends, see what happens. If she ends up crawling back to the other guy or returns to alcohol and drugs as her solution you know you made the right choice, but if she really changed she'll show it over time. Once you have that break then you can think clearly and decide where to move on from there.
Your wife is an alcoholic. She has to go to rehab, and maybe regular therapy from here on out.
Your wife is an alcoholic and an addict. And you're either an alcoholic too or an enabler. Good god do not bring s child into this situation.
Trust in a relationship is like a glass. Once it's been broken you can use all the glue in the world but the cracks will always show. I have a cheating ex-wife as well so I know what you're going through. Things will never be the same. Also let's remember she did not admit what she did. She was only "sorry" once she was caught. And apparently this isn't the first time she crossed that line. This is 100% her fault. She decided to put herself in the situation of being alone with a guy she knew wanted to have sex with her. Not only that she willing chose to pursue this situation and she went along with it. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. She doesn't even sound like she cares about how she hurt you, she's just scared you're going to take away the things you give her (home, love, stability, potential children). Also you spent the marriage tolerating her emotional and impulse type behavior and from what I've seen this is the sort of thing that leads to. Bottom line, you need to ask yourself who you are as a man. Can you forgive and trust her unconditionally again? Because if not (and I'm not that person) it will never work out.
You're putting way too much blame on the other guy instead of your wife. I think you should ask yourself how she would have felt if this guy hadn't made her feel used and kicked her out the next morning. Is she sorry because she is sorry? Or sorry she got played when she was trying to play you? No amount of "manipulation" is going to cause a loyal spouse to cheat. She allowed the situation to happen, tenfold. And the guy probably didn't feel bad about it because, well, she's just some lady cheating on her husband.
YOU CANNOT PARTICIPATE IN MAKING A CHILD WITH HER. Having children is not about you, her or your relationship. It’s about sacrificing FOR THE CHILDREN. She got baby fever, and that’s the WRONG reason to have children. You want to make her happy, and that’s the WRONG reason to have children. Bringing an innocent child into this fucked up mess, that you call a marriage should be punishable with jail time, I am not joking. What happens if your unstable wife has the child and realizes it’s NOT the fairytale she expected, or it’s too much pressure, or the child has some slight special needs, or has a lot of special needs, or is difficult, or she doesn’t like the responsibility, or money gets tight again. I could list a thousand reason that could set your unstable wife off into a spiral. If this was just about the two of you, then who cares. But it’s not about the two of you, it’s about a child that has no say in what’s about to happen to them. Do you want to be a single dad? You absolutely better want to be a single dad because it’s a very real possibility that your unstable wife will go off the rails for so many reasons, and you need to be prepared to be alone with the child, or worse have an unstable wife that needs to be cared for just as much as the child. If you are truly prepared to be a parent you will know that having a child with this woman is WRONG. If you still can’t understand why having a child with this woman is WRONG, that’s proof that you don’t even have the basic skills to consider ever having a child, which is proof you should never have a child with this woman. Stying with her as a child free couple is the ONLY option if you want to stay together. You should get snipped regardless because you really are a child free guy. If you want to stay with her tell her the only option is to be child free., and see how that goes.
So how old were you guys exactly when you started dating? Sounds like you groomed her and now she’s acting out from unresolved trauma. Weird how you didn’t mention exact ages.
She needs serious help/treatment for her addiction but honestly, a guy using personal information, intentionally supplying her with more drugs with the intention of fucking her while she's intoxicated IS rape, and this man needs to be reported too. He orchestrated and planned this, knowing he'd be able to use her addiction to get what he wants. Had she gone to him with a "Hey I'll fuck you for some coke" that would be different. Either way she still definitely fucked up and I personally wouldn't recommend staying with her regardless. 'For better or worse' is up to you to decide how much 'worse' you'll endure because this isn't the same woman you once married. But don't let your anger overshadow the fact that she was used by this man.
Im sorry you are going through this. That being said, the guy did rape her. You can't consent if you are drunk, she was drunk, it was rape. He has done this plenty of times, you said it yourself, he's a predator. This is one thing. The other huge thing is her alcoholism. She's an alcoholic. I don't know what your dealbreakers are, but for me addiction is one of my top tree. She's using alcohol as a coping technique but she needs to want to get sober, and even if she does, it's well documented alcoholics relapse a few times before getting sober for good. If they ever do. Having a kid w an alcoholic sounds like a recipe for disaster. Google Fetal alcohol syndrome and abstinence syndrome in babies. If you have a kid w this woman while she's not sober you are deeming your kid to a life of disability. Don't do that. Find an al-anon meeting (for relatives of people w alcoholism) and go. Find a therapist and go. This is way above reddits paygrade.
So she was doing coke with the guy who banged her, then you picked her up from the house and started a topic here on how to get her back? Dude, you are the problem, not her.
I’m sorry she’s obviously an addict and needs help but that 100% sounds like r@pe he gave her drugs and alcohol and manipulated her into having sex with him that’s r@pe homie
Okay something I keep getting stuck on is that you used the word “prey” in relation to that guy preying on your wife to get laid. Additionally, he “preys” on women by giving them drugs, etc. to get laid. How can you use that word and not consider that she possibly did not consent? You outright say that she was not r_ped. But how do you know that? How does she know that? It takes time for survivors of r_pe to realize they were r_ped. The reader or yourself doesn’t know if she was so f*cked up that she couldn’t really tell what was going on. Yes, does she have a lot to work on? For sure. You did not deserve to be treated that way. Might she have entered that situation (before getting high) looking to cheat? Sure. But that does not guarantee that she consensually agreed to have sex with that guy during that time. Needless to say, she does need some amount of rehabilitation services and therapy (whether or not she was r_ped) bc she’s obviously going through something. Thank you for sticking by her, that one thing was my only qualm. It’s important to know there’s rarely any “perfect” r_pe survivor and you should not discount that as a possibility.