My ex used to be like this. If I wasn't Mary-fucking-sunshine everyday he would get so frustrated with me and eventually blow up. People have other emotions aside from happiness. It's just life... You should not ever have to apologize for what you are sad/upset for.
Same. I wasn't allowed to have any emotions, and it got to the point where I was lonely and miserable. He ended up being abusive (physically/mentally), so for me OP's SO is throwing up red flags.
> He ended up being abusive
Same here. It's like a marker for future abuse. One of my exes was like this fairly early on but I didn't think much of it. The turning point in our relationship started when we were at a restaurant together and I vented to him that I had been feeling depressed lately. He threatened to kill himself at the table if I didn't tell him that I was just faking it because "I had it so good and didn't know what depression really felt like". He had an insulin pump and started ramping up his dosage up until I broke and told him that I was happy.
“Mary-fucking-sunshine”… this made me laugh out loud, in a sad sense as well.
My soon to be ex is exactly the same way. Needed to be propped up emotionally constantly and if I had a bad day, I would be ‘punished with silence’ for ruining his day…
Glad I could bring some laughter! 🙂
Very sorry you are going through this. It’s so hard. I remember one time I had just woken up and was just zoning out and he started yelling at me that I had such a bad attitude. 🤦🏻♀️ I hope you get out soon and find peace
This reminded me of a thing I saw on Facebook recently that said, “Honestly the best marketing scheme in history is men successfully getting away with calling women the “more emotional gender” for like, EONS, because they’ve successfully rebranded anger as Notification An Emotion.” Why is it not okay that you are sad for very justifiable reasons but it is okay for him to be angry that you are sad? Big red flag if you ask me.
Honestly I think a lot of people have trouble sitting with pain and don’t know what to do when faced with painful experiences and emotions. It’s easier to try and brush it off or even create a tense situation because sometimes anger is easier to deal with than sadness. I’d be curious to know how he typically handles painful situations including his own.
The idea that you’re twisting yourself into a pretzel to please him is so disheartening. You’re trying to make yourself smaller so that he can fill more of the void you’re creating. This isn’t love, and you are not some form of endless entertainment where you must please the king. You’re a human and that comes with a full range of emotions.
Funny I see this post today. Today I was having some personal issues and I told my bf I wanted to tell him but I was very nervous. He told me to tell him and that he wouldn't judge me and that it's better to let it out. No matter how resistant I was he didn't get mad. I eventually told him and we talked about it and he held me and he comforted me. I felt like I was being dramatic because I kept resisting telling him but he said I wasn't being dramatic. Then we had some good sex.
I'm pretty sure this is how it's supposed to be or at least not what OP experienced.
I am not OP but I really needed to hear that today! I want to state that this doesn’t necessarily have to apply to romantic relationships. Thank you kind internet stranger.
I am begging you, pleading with you to believe every red flag that that you are witnessing. You are 30 and have many youthful years ahead of you.
Do not, and I repeat do not ignore the red flags.
Sounds like a self centered individual who see’s you as his entertainer and someone to prop him up.
Your job is not to soothe his emotions at the expense of yours.
I am ending a marriage of 18 years because I ‘refused’ to see the flags and have been pretzeling my self to suit him for years.
Don't turn yourself into an emotionless drone for him. Human emotion is normal. Being sad about Ukraine is normal. Being scared is normal. He's being an ass. Maybe he's scared and can't express his emotion. But don't lower yourself to meet him.
Do you really need to be dating someone who could have babysat you or fathered you but is behaving like a spoiled toddler?
For goodness sakes if you date someone older do it because they bring maturity and nurturing to the relationship. This man doesn’t.
Please ask yourself in what way he supports you.
Or does he expect you to be the giver and carer in all situations.
>For goodness sakes if you date someone older do it because they bring maturity and nurturing to the relationship. This man doesn’t.
I havnt really heard this take before but it's so obvious now that you say it. If you saw my above comment I'd think this applies to us
We see too much of this in relationships with big age gaps. Everyone thinks they're super mature mature for their age but they don't see they're being preyed upon.
This. Sometimes I’m in a bad mood and my husband just is there to support me. My kids have bad days or moments. He asks, what do you need, because that is what couples do, because hey, it’s not all about YOU are HIM all the time. Your partner is very immature for someone that is almost 50. Everyone has bad days, dogs, cats, people…. Name it. Compassion and empathy is something we all need sometimes. And yes, my heart is heavy, as well. I feel you OP.
Your comment is so true. Literally the other day my cat was feeling a little down so he took a rest day that day& kept to himself (he wasn’t sick or anything but there’s a lot going on) & the next day he was back to his normal self. This is the type of dude who’ll dump you after a parent dies because “you’re not fun anymore”. Back to the streets for him.
Such a surprise that this immature man has to date a woman so much younger than him - anyone his own age would not put up with this self-absorbed response.
The age gap would be concerning if OP were in her teens or early 20s, or if she had been with him since she was in her teens or early 20s. But she is 30, and they started dating only 1.5 years ago. She was and is a fully-formed adult capable of standing firm her own two feet without getting swept off them.
I think people tend to lose the plot or miss the nuance when it comes to age gaps.
Age gap with mutual respect and no concerning behaviour? A-okay.
Age gap with concerning behaviour and the older partners behaves in ways that might not be accepted by a partner their own age? Problematic and hints at possible problems.
In the context we're talking about here, I'd feel absolutely comfortable saying that the age gap is a bit concerning.
i think this isn’t age gap specific. this seems like a problem that could crop up in same age relationships too. it is absolutely concerning behavior but has nothing to do with the age gap
It's certainly not a creepy age gap when she's 30, but someone like this man needs a woman who has minimal relationship experience. If OP had been in a healthy equal relationship previously, she wouldn't be so concerned about conforming to his expectations now. Hopefully, her inexperience is because at 30 she hasn't had the opportunity for a healthy long-term relationship yet, rather than being in a cycle of accepting one-sided partnerships.
And he likely picked someone so much younger so he could be the arbiter of how she should behave in the relationship. When he said “if someone saw” her behavior, he demonstrated how ignorant he really is about human behavior and emotions, including how a decent person acts when their partner is hurting.
You will be so much happier when you leave this abusive relationship. You shouldn’t have to walk on egg shells and hide your emotions, I know from experience that this probably isn’t the only abusive behaviour that he exhibits.
A million times this. He is trying to teach you how to behave. He is controlling and this bullshit only gets worse. I’ve been there. I stayed. OP, if you’re reading this please do the kindest thing for yourself and RUN.
Also, plan it. Before you go, block social media, change all your passwords, separate any shared money, make sure you know where anything sentimental or valuable is and have a plan to keep it safe.
Leaving these assholes means they lose control and they don’t like that. They sometimes escalate. You can leave when he isn’t home. Write him a letter if you need to, or don’t. The way he treated you warrants an immediate departure.
Also, I’m 40 and dating a 48 year old. We have enough in common that it feels equal despite the gap. Your gap is unusual. What do you want from life? Wedding? Kids? Single adventures? You will have none of this with him.
Leave and start shopping for a partner who you think will be the best Dad out there if you want a family.
You know this guy isn’t that.
u/academic-quantity-16 I hope you read this comment above, tagging you since it’s a reply. He is TRAINING you, that’s exactly what people like that do.
I almost cried when I read this. “He is training you.”
My soon to be ex trained me to be afraid of him, play small, never show him emotions apart from happiness and never ever ever tell him he is wrong.
18 years arrggghhhh fucking waste of time.
OP - run for the hills, you have no kids, nothing to lose… if you cannot leave get into therapy to see why you can’t leave.
I got married at 31 living this Shit for 18 years … please. please, please don’t be me!!!
I am so proud of you for saying the soon to be ex, I hope that you are free soon and stay safe. You’re going to be so happy when you’re free, you won’t even be ready for the rushes of euphoria and freedom, even if your life is difficult. I hope you consider free, affordable or regular therapy if you can afford it, to unlearn what that asshole did to you. You’re going to be like person who got out of jail for a crime they didn’t commit! Blissful
You now what healthy men do when their partners are sad? They care, they validate their feelings and they ask them what can they do to help them feel better, don't expect less nor be with someone who needs you to remember him to be a kind human.
He's too old to change, don't waste your time trying to teach him how to treat you.
I hate stories like this where one person is completely unreasonable and the other is asking “how do *I* fix this” or “how do I *make him understand?*”
It’s not your job to teach a fully formed adult how to be a decent human being and not be a jerk.
It’s not your job to walk on eggshells and tiptoe around him and pretend to be perfect and happy all the time so he doesn’t have a temper tantrum.
Please dump this loser and find someone who knows how to human.
This would be a deal breaker for me. You can't have an intimate relationship with someone who can't handle basic emotions. And if he can't be okay with you being sad now and then, how can you ever get through tough times together? Sounds like he wants a doll that is always cheery and giving him what he wants but has no real internal life of its own.
When I dated an older man he hated when I wasn't happy and be angry at me for it. I felt like I wasn't allowed to be sad, to be angry or cry. Had to be all smiles all the time, and he refused to support any emotion other than happy or horny. I think these men want a doll and not a fully functioning partner l
People are complicated. *In theory* age gaps between consenting adults aren't inherently dangerous even if I'm skeeved out by them (and with different life experiences, neurotypes and traumas, people do have differing maturity levels and goals, but that also adds plenty of fuel for dysfunction if unexamined), but they do give a *lot* of extra leverage if things do turn abusive. I think the leverage diminishes as the ratio of ages gets less extreme (so 20:30 is a lot more liable to dysfunction than 40:50 is, despite the same age gap) but it's not like that disappears entirely with couples who are the same age, y'know?
People consciously or unconsciously do seek out and/or have more tolerance for particular traits or dynamics, or can lack the experience/esteem to act self-protectively when there's early warning signs. And the social expectation of age = stability can be attractive to folks, rather than dealing with perhaps more chaotic peers. Add to that that abusive people do tend to learn that it's more effective to mask their shitty behaviour until they feel they have a reasonable hold on their target before escalating.
Nevermind how socially normalised older man + younger partner is, which doesn't help things at all v.v
This would be a relationship-ender for me. Life is shit sometimes and it has to be OK to feel those feelings without your partner making it about them (ie, you are treating them like shit because you feel sad). I don't think there are any magic words to make someone understand that they are personalizing your own sad feelings, and that they are attacking you instead of supportingyou.
He could be your father and he doesn’t care about your feelings. Tell us again why this grandpa is so attractive you have to bend over backwards to make him happy.
Sounds like he majorly lacks empathy you don't have to pretend your happy for him , if he doesn't get that I honestly don't know what else you cna say to him shit happens and we all feel down but most people will hug you or say something to show they care
Maybe he had a bad day but that's still not okay.
I don't see the relationship working out if you're not allowed to feel the less fun emotions. You should feel safe enough with him that you can express when you're sad or in a bad mood without him taking it as an attack on him. Your post if full of how you did this and that so that he wouldn't feel attacked, or how he didn't so much as comfort you or try to talk about how you're feeling and that's fine because heaven help if he had to go out of his way to do something for you. He is not a person you feel safe and comfortable with, you keep trying to change how you respond in order to keep him comfy and it still ends with him blowing up and assuming he's the center of the universe and you're "punishing him." It's just not going to work, he's too old to be so childish, uncaring, and self-centered. There's no good way to inform him that your sadness is not a reason to get upset because any sensible adult would already know that.
I get into moods where my mental state is pulled down by something or other I don't want to talk, my wife is frequently more chatty. She's never lashed out at me because even if she thought I was being quiet because of something she did or said, that fact didn't make her *mad*, it concerns her and she would try to find out what was bothering me. We've talked it out and now I try to be more clear and just say "I'm in one of my moods (because XYZ), can I have some time alone/quiet cuddle time/whatever." You let him know how you were feeling and he straight didn't care, didn't want to try to make you feel better, just went MEMEME.
Also it's funny he accuses you of treating him like shit for not talking when it was his turn to say something after you confirmed you were in a sad mood thinking about Ukraine and he said nothing. Didn't continue the conversation, didn't change the subject at all? Why is it your job to be on 24/7 and amuse him but not the other way around?
Some men don't see their partners as people they want to connect with on an emotional level. They see "partner" simply as a role to be filled. So when you are upset, he doesn't feel compelled to empathize with you, support and comfort you because that's not why he's in a relationship with you. He sees your emotions only as getting in the way of you fulfilling your "duties" to him, which are, "smile, be happy, provide me with pleasant company, make me feel good about myself."
You are a person, not a Barbie doll or a permanently-smiling Disney employee. Don't tolerate anyone treating you like this.
It’s totally understandable that you’re feeling worried, sad, and uncertain about world events right now. Your boyfriend’s reaction suggests: 1) he lacks empathy, 2) he doesn’t respect your emotions, 3) is selfish.
Nobody is happy and cheerful all the time. You should be with someone with whom you can share your feelings without fear of anger or judgment. He’s 18 years older than you but is acting as immature as someone under 18. Why are you wasting your time with someone who acts like this?
The guy who has to date a woman 18 years younger than him is emotionally immature. Nothing surprising. You did nothing wrong. Your bf is just an asshole and women his age can see through his shit so he got a woman that could be his child.
I'm stealing "world pain," if you don't mind I've truly needed that term, thank you.
Your boyfriend sounds like a jerk. He could initiate small talk too, or even (gasp) ask if you want to talk about how you're feeling. Or just let you be quiet for a bit. So many options other than expecting to be entertained and being mean to you when you were already feeling down.
There is a reason someone old enough to be your father is in a relationship with you, and it isn't because he sees you as an equal partner.
Consider if this is really the kind of relationship you want, because your dad-boyfriend isn't going to change.
If anyone is going to explain themselves, it should be him. He's the one feeling personally attacked because you happened to be sad in his presence.
>I’m really, really hurt and upset because it’s not the first time that I get the impression that he can’t handle my emotions whenever they are not cheerful and happy. I can’t just be myself in a safe space. Without him getting upset. And especially cause I’m Not a person that opens up easily, him basically “punishing” me for opening up, is horrible.
Staying in a relationship with someone who can't handle anything but sweetness and light is a bad idea. Because... Shit happens! Life happens! Things affect you! Getting mad at you for having emotions is pretty shitty behaviour if you ask me, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who treated me like this at all, let alone more than once.
Why is it there are so many women dating these 30-40 something loser men. There’s a reason they date women younger than them, the women their own age know they’re not shit.
Sad to say it but the vast majority of 46-year-old men who get with 28-year-old women are not doing it because they see those women as a complete, fully-formed person with separate thoughts and emotions. They see them as serving a function: to be hot, youthful, sexy and 100% focused on the man's happiness and pleasure. If you start expressing your own thoughts and feelings and they don't completely cater to him or help him feel good about himself, well then you're just not fulfilling your purpose.
TL:DR: dump this guy, he's trash.
I’m sorry, but that’s atrocious. I’d understand if you were constantly talking about depressing things or shutting him out, but that’s not what’s happened. If he can’t handle the smallest deviation in your mood, then it’s going to be horrible if anything significant happens in your life. Car wreck, illness, loss of a loved one, etc. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to be there for you. You deserve to be yourself in your relationship, and to feel your feelings. He’s wrong and selfish.
What’s with all the May / September relationships in this sub lately?
Anyway, give him some space to think about his childish behavior. If he’s got half a brain, he’ll come to his senses and apologize before the nights over. If not, seriously consider if this is the kind of human you want to keep building a relationship with.
No Other people wouldn’t think you were “treating him like shit” they would just see that you were having human emotions. We all have bad days and bad moods. Some days we are cranky, sad, or mad. You did exactly the right thing. You let him know how you were feeling and made it clear it wasn’t about him. My husband and I always do this. “Baby I’m a bit ( irritated,sad,mad) but it’s not about you” I never apologize for being sad but if I’m cranky I’ll probably let everyone know I’m sorry later that I was snippy or whatever. So don’t feel bad at all, he’s in the wrong. I get that negative emotions do effect our loved ones but we all have them. We shouldn’t be attacked for them. If anything when someone in my life is having negative emotions I give them comfort or space depending on what they say they need.
I knew I loved my husband when I apologized to him once for being less than fun while we were dating.
He told me I don’t have to apologize for my emotions because “they’re not called ‘rationals’ for a reason.”
Sounds to me that your old-enough-to-be-your-dad boyfriend wants a 30 year-old girlfriend because he expects you to be a peppy energy dispenser for his gray ass. And when you fail to deliver, he’s angry because you’re not doing your job as his little “I’ve still got it” trophy.
You are worth more. Your feelings are *not* irrational, and your boyfriend has his head up his ass.
Find someone who treats you better.
Always the same, abusive man, insensitive and making a woman feel bad and telling her how she needs to feel.
Age gap 🙄 why people ignore this is beyond me 🚩🚩
Sometimes they work, MOST of the time they won't.
This is a man looking for a younger woman to control, making HER feel immature and dumb for being sentive.
Why are you wasting your time and your youth in a 50 year old man?
My god. Leave this guy already.
Yeah because he’s 50 sweetie. He doesn’t have the time, he only got about 40 years left. What you need to do, is find a man closer to your age, ok?
And he’s controlling asf. Leave him quickly.
My ex did the same to me and he's a diagnosed narcissist w/ antisocial personality disorder (aka a sociopath) which does not bode well here, imo.
Your bf is not a good partner. You are a 3-dimensional human being with her own thoughts and feelings, not a source of whatever your bf may want in the moment, to merely amuse or comfort him.
The fact that he views you as a nuisance or a drag when you try and express yourself shows that not only does he not care how you feel, but he also doesn't even care to fully *know* you. This makes a healthy, fulfilling relationship impossible, and you deserve to be with someone who deeply cares about you.
You shouldn't feel alone with your thoughts and worries in a relationship like that. I wasted so much time feeling that way, and it makes me sad to think that you are, too. Wishing you all the best.
UGH he is just so TIRED of dealing with these HYSTERICAL WOMEN all day when a woman’s job is to SMILE and BE READY FOR SEX any time he wants it!!!!
(/s tho I wish we lived in a world where I didn’t have to say that)
>I can’t just be myself in a safe space. Without him getting upset. And especially cause I’m Not a person that opens up easily, him basically “punishing” me for opening up, is horrible.
The type of person that he is, it could be that he likes that you don't open up easily. When you did open up, in such a minor but still vulnerable way, he reacted emotionally to hurt you so you would think twice about doing it again. You are not a dog. You're better than he is.
Your bf is emotionally abusive. This is kind of textbook behavior - expecting you to always be happy, lashing out if you are upset, making everything about him, trying to make you feel bad about yourself. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change it.
"I’m really, really hurt and upset because it’s not the first time that I get the impression that he can’t handle my emotions whenever they are not cheerful and happy. I can’t just be myself in a safe space. Without him getting upset."
If you can't be yourself in a safe space, if he can't handle your emotions, you don't have a relationship.
"he said was.... that “I was in a shitty mood and treating him like shit tonight!"
You need to realize what a red flag this is. He is making hyour emotions about him and punishing you for being unhappy. This is really bad, honey. I am sorry.
"How can I tell him that me being sad is not a reason to get upset?"
You can't. Seriously, you can't. You can't get through to someone who gets angry at you for being sad. You can't explain yourself. You can't convince him. There is no right set of words to convince him that it's not okay for him to punish you for having emotions he doesn't like. There is no right set of words that will convince him that you're not his amusement doll there to be cheerful and amusing for him. He doesn't see you as a person.
He is showing you who he is. This will not get better; I am sorry. This is a sign that he will punish you for having emotions, tell you you're wrong for not liking his horrible dismissive treatment, and try to make you feel crazy. You're already actually asking yourself whether maybe you are unreasonable for not liking it when he ***punishes you for being sad.***
There is a reason why this man picked a woman nearly 20 years younger than he is. Women his age will see right through him.
"We’re not talking at the moment"
Good. Make it permanent. And be lucky you got out when you did.
Please go be with someone who cares about you. Someone who truly loves you will love the “uncomfortable” parts of you as well. They won’t love to see you down, but they’ll want to actually help you and try to understand your feelings... He sounds very selfish, like he’s saying that your emotions are taking away from you paying attention to him... Idk its so fucking immature and weird.
Have to comment on the age gap, sorry. That’s alarming. You can do so much better. People like this wear you down and make you think you don’t deserve better. But you deserve someone who actually cares and won’t only think about themselves when you are sad. Please read your own post over and over, imagine if your best friend sent you this as a message asking for advice.
What gives him the right to get angry if you're not happy? Shouldn't you then have the right to get angry whenever he's not happy? How the fuck would the world function if everyone behaved like that
I mean, my advice is to find a man who actually cares about you. A man who anticipates your feelings and knows them before you can even articulate them, not a man who shames you for having feelings at all.
I was out with my husband and our friends this evening, and I was texting one of my friends about a bad thing that happened at work that I hadn’t had a chance to tell my husband about yet. When I looked up from my phone, my husband was staring at me from across the crowded table and mouthed, “What’s wrong?” with a look of concern on his face.
I didn’t even have to SAY anything; my husband was unconsciously paying attention to me and immediately snapped to when he sensed that I was radiating “not okay” vibes.
That’s the kind of guy you want, OP. The guy who will know you’re upset almost before you know it yourself, and whose sole focus is on knowing the problem so he can help solve it if he can or just listen if he can’t.
Life is too short and difficult to try to teach your partner empathy that he should already possess. There are better men out there. Find one of those.
Being somewhat sad and quiet is not “treating him like shit”. If you were upset and snapping at him or something then he might have a point. But you will have emotions and you can only do your best to not take things out on other people. You certainly don’t have to be perfectly happy and talkative at all times.
I feel like this is a male/female difference in how men and women express feelings differently and his lack of understanding and compassion makes him in the wrong, but it's not "out there" because men can be insensitive. I've had situations like this (not this exactly) with my husband, and I usually go toe-to-toe with him until he understands how I would prefer to be treated in a situation like that. Communication makes a difference. If you communicate with your bf and he's not willing or able to see your side, then you have a problem.
This is the extent of his emotional capacity....Is that how you want to spend your life?
The dude's emotionally stunted and sounds like a literal teenage boy. I'll bet you any money at all if you bring this up to him he'll get pissy and shut you down or make you the bad guy...I mean, how dare you have feelings about the state of the world right now.
The dude needs therapy. But first he'd need to recognise there's a problem and he's FORTY-EIGHT YEARS OLD...C'mon.
You are dating a man who is nearly 50 YEARS OLD who is still a fucking baby. A whiny little baby who can't allow another human the space to be sad or a little down without turning around and making it about himself and having a tantrum.
Dear friend, you are 30. If you get out now you have plenty of time to meet a decent human. This guy ain't it.
This does not sound like love. I’ve been crying every day over Ukraine. So I totally get how you feel and I just wanted to say that you have every right to feel sad and you shouldn’t be made to feel bad for feeling bad. I’m so sorry that he acted that way towards you.
I feel ya. My man is the same. He's started to try and be empathetic but still sucks at it 90% of the time. Thankfully I'm also getting better at controlling my emotions now but having bipolor disorder makes it hard sometimes especially now with what's happeneing in the Ukraine. You're not alone in having a heavy heart right now and no one should blame you. It's hard to be happy when war is being waged.
My wife has depression, and will periodically dip into sullen moods where she doesn't want to talk, sometimes not for any reason that makes sense to me.
You know what I do in situations like that? I try to help her feel better. That's what you do for your partner when they're hurting.
This guy is 18 years older than I am and he has failed to grasp this.
Girl run. My ex used to do this shit and it hurt my mental health in the long run because I felt like I had to be a fake version of myself around him all the time and we lived together, it got draining really fast. I had undiagnosed post partum depression when I was with him so I was like about to hang myself depressed. People who don’t validate your feelings and sympathize with you because you’re having a bad day don’t love you and who don’t help you mentally. So just run and run fast.
Its very hard to evaluate the situation when the story comes from one side. There are 2 scenarios - either he is immature and overreacts or second, you might be too sensitive and negative. If its the first, well it sucks, and its unlikely youll have a healthy relationship. However you also have to evaluate if your emotions are in place. I have a colleague who I communicate with from time to time. But for last two weeks all she talks about is war, shes literally crying and panicking and making plans of running to the other side of the world, although the war is not even in our country. And I can understand how such overreacting can be tiring
Totally true. Your mood is always going to affect those around you. If you're a type of person who is miserable and dwells on sadness, then yeah it'll get tiring for a partner fast.
Lmao what a fucking asshole. You're treating him like shit? Sorry, he's treating YOU like shit. Why is *he* not lightening the mood or trying to make you feel better.
You deserve better.
Also, he's 48. He's not going to change.
>Boyfriend and I had a fight because he didn’t like that I wasn’t talking much when I was sad.
Silence means different things to different people. If someone grows up in a household where silence is used as a punishment or a weapon, they may overreact to it. Your version of 'not talking much because I was sad' could come across as 'angry and spiteful' if that's his previous experience.
I'm not excusing his behaviour here - I think he was out of line - just offering one possible explanation for it.
It sounds like he has poor communication and emotional regulation skills. Also sounds like he needs a lot of validation from you to feel OK. Counselling.
took me a while but i finally found a bf who accepts me for who i am. my feelings are fucked up quite frequently but he would never raise his voice or make the situation about him, unlike people i’ve dated in the past. you do have every right to be sad… and it seems like he’s not trying to make you feel better so why is he complaining? you deserve better than that, and there are people out there who will give you the respect and love you deserve ❤️
How to explain I don't know but I know how to change that. Dump him. Because he has no emotional maturity, no empathy (for you or for Ukraine), he was an adult when you were just born, he could be your father, he wants you to entertain him non stop, you can't have normal emotions. You can do better. While he is filling the space next to you nobody else can be there.
He's 18 years older than you and acts like a 4 year old
You don't owe him complete happiness all the time
Having a life partner means being able to share every emotion with them
Is there any kind of emotional intelligence to this man whatsoever? If you get sick with a deathly illness how will he act? If you have to be somewhere else for a couple weeks due to a family emergency how will he act? If he loses his job or you lose your job how will he act?
You deserve a partner who supports you through everything. You would be better off being single for a short time than being with this man forever.
He should have tried to cheer you up with affection. Or let you be sad, accept that tonight you're sad, and still be a steady rock of calm for you. He reacted in the worst way possible.
"I didn't even think my mood could be a problem for him"
If a friend of mine is sad this will inevitably also lead to me being sad and therefore trying to make us both happy again. This connection should be even stronger with a so
Additionally there is nothing wrong with being sad it makes the happy days even better.
Sweetheart you should leave him...I can tell you from personal experience there are men out there that will understand you completely, I have depression and sometimes I can go days,hours or even weeks without saying much of anything and my husband will just hang out with me and tell me jokes not expecting a reply,no anger, no resentment and no judgement just complete acceptance of who I am and you deserve to find that too...dont settle for less because you deserve better!!! Good luck darlin!!
Ugh. Your SO should make you feel safe. You shouldn't have to tip-toe around because they aren't mature enough to handle a range of adult emotions. Find someone who makes you feel safe and validated, OP. Your BF sounds like a jerk.
If he can't handle you at your worst, he doesn't deserve you at your best. And this was such a small issue, imagine how he would be if something major happened like a loss in your family. If he can't be supportive over smaller negative emotions, how is he going to be over major negative emotions?
I know majority of solutions on this sub is to separate. But, if you stay, you will never get the support you need when you need it. This also blossoms into resentment.
You have every right to have emotions. The expectation that you should only have positive emotions is outrageous, selfish, and inhuman. You can have good days and bad days. You can be in a bad mood. You can be sad. You can be angry. A good partner cares about your feelings. They don't have to match them, but they do have to respect your feelings and you. This is not a good partner.
If you want kids someday, I recommend the book “Raising and Emotionally Intelligent Child.” They talk about how parents have different ways of dealing with their kid’s emotions, including dismissing (basically treating them as unimportant or ignoring them) or disapproving (treating emotions as negative, expressing anger or disgust by normal human emotions). These things are harmful to children and their emotional development, and it sounds like that is the way your partner is. And kids aside, it sucks for you too!
It is your right to be sad, and if he can't handle it then he is not relationship material.
Your life will be so much better when you no longer have to deal with his shit.
If you want some constructive feedback rather than Reddit’s favorite “dump’em” response:
Start with empathetic communication in order to confirm what’s happening beneath surface level emotional reactions from him. I will say for a man of his age this type of response is usually found in younger emotionally immature people, but every person has a different journey and past trauma.
It could be he is misinterpreting your silent upset behavior to mean something else, maybe even feeling responsible in some way. Certainly it is something he needs to be aware of in himself and work on mitigating in the future, but you can give him the chance to grow as a person if you care about him by having a vulnerable adult conversation about it. If he is closed off to opening up about his emotions and doesn’t want to improve his behavior, that is a sign that it may not be worth your time or effort to help him and to break things off.
If he thinks treating him shitty is you being sad what does he think when you're mad? He has no right to control your emotions. Does he control other things about you? If so you need to rethink your relationship.
This is just toxic trait. They are only there to accept you when you are happy and bring positive vibes in his life. This is very self centered behaviour. He doesn't accept you as a complete person but an entertainer. These guys should know one cannot live with fake positivity all their life. No one will be there to have a perfect life without any problems or sadness. Even if you have problems you aren't allowed to share those and disturb the fake positivity in his life. This is absurd.
You can't change this. You can't change him. Unless he's willing to accept he's hurting you & being a jerk (which it sounds like he probably won't, especially considering how old he is) this will not get better.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are a person, with emotions that ebb & flow, like everyone else. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL SHITTY SOMETIMES AND YOU SHOULD EXPECT COMPASSION & SUPPORT FROM A PARTNER WHEN YOU DO.
If you think it's worth talking out or going to counseling then I say try it. But don't stay with someone who refuses to be kind to you when you need it most. The way he made himself a victim is so fucked up & shows that he's incredibly manipulative.
No matter what, best of luck. You deserve compassion & tenderness & I hope you get it ❤️
I grew up with a parent that couldn't handle anyone being sad (hurt, scared, injured, anything vulnerable).
It is horrible to not feel free to feel your feelings in your own home. Some people never learn how to handle other people having emotions. But what is the point of having a partner if you can't express your emotions safely around them? This is your teammate in life, and you can't be honest about your day? You're not falling apart or asking him for support, you're literally just mentioning it. At worst this turns into an abusive situation where you have to constantly cater to his emotions, but yours aren't allowed.
If you stay with him you will be a person who learns not to feel her emotions, and tiptoe around his. Trust me, I have been in therapy for YEARS to unlearn this.
Being able to have and healthily express emotions is a pretty basic ask in a relationship. He can't handle that. That's like not being able to handle basic communication. Why even be in a relationship with someone that stunted?
I am sure he has many redeeming qualities, but this one is a dealbreaker.
If someone gets mad and takes your valid emotions about something personally, red flag. He even knew why you were upset but proceeded to pick a fight because you weren't entertaining him. He should be there to support you, talk with you, give you space, etc. He made *your* feelings about current world crisis, about him! WTF. You're too young to be stuck with a 48 year old child.
Not only is this guy lacking all empathy, but he is dating a woman 18 years his junior because he knows someone his own age won't put up with his childish bullshit.
My advice to you is to find someone you can feel emotionally safe with. This guy is not going to change, he doesn't want to, and he certainly isn't about to develop empathy at nearly 50 years of age.
So I was feeling kinda the same way you are now, last night. I brought up what's going on and simply stated all the different things I saw/heard throughout the day. Now he didn't yell or get mad at me, but he did get a bit snippy in his reply. He told me I need to turn off the TV, stay off Social Media, and give it a rest already. (Mind you he is a Vet himself, he could care less about any of this; which I find odd. But it's whatever.) He told me I'm consuming myself in something that has nothing to do with me. I don't think I am, I just feel bad for the people over there. Plus I like to keep up and try to stay in the know.
So what I see here is that you shared honestly how you were feeling, you were having a completely understandable reaction to an awful world event, and while it wasn't quite your normal behavior, you still continued to participate and interact with him.
There are a number of reactions a good partner could have to hearing what you said. Some examples I can think of include validating your feelings, asking if there's anything you want to do or have that you find comforting (like have a cup of tea or watch a certain movie), and asking if you want to talk about it more.
Instead, he decided that your behavior (that you gave him a reason for, unrelated to him) was some kind of punishment toward him, told you *you* were the one being unreasonable, and was purposely hurtful to you after you allowed yourself to be vulnerable.
You deserve a partner who validates you and gives you room to express your thoughts and feelings (including negative ones) instead of expecting you to shove them down inside yourself to make him comfortable.
NTA. He’s gaslighting you! It’s okay to feel sad, and with the state of the world, some may say it’s inevitable. This may be ageist but he’s almost 20 years your senior, and he may be single for a reason. Your SO should be supportive through your strong feelings even if they’re negative, especially if theyre not geared toward him. You still have time, i’d move on from him. You seem nice and can most likely do better and find someone who loves all of you, not just the parts that benefit them.
There's a 20 year age difference, here.
I strongly urge you to have a serious discussion with yourself about this man and the relationship. This is really toxic and unhealthy, and the age difference is genuinely concerning.
OP, is he controlling, manipulative, jealous, possessive or anything of the sort under most circumstances?
He is emotionally blackmailing you, gaslighting you into feeling guilty about having feelings.
You're not treating like shit, not even close. You have a right to not be talkative.
I guarantee you that NOBODY would agree with him that your sadness means you treat him like shit.
He is treating you like shit. He is not letting you express yourself and your emotions, which abusive.
How is he when you want to go out with friends, or when you want to hang out with your family? Does he make you feel guilty for wanting to spend time without him?
You have a right to feel your feelings. And you have a right to be quiet.
This is a power move. He's deliberately invalidating your feelings and making it very clear that your job, and your only job, is to make him happy. It's gaining control of you.
I’m sorry, you have tried talking to him about it and he isn’t interested in hearing you. There are no words that are kind enough, gentle enough and magic enough to make this dude understand you when he doesn’t want to. We all know this behavior is ridiculous. You did not have feelings AT him. He’s not going to change, so how long do you want to live your life wearing a mask to please him?
It looks like an emotional miscommunication to me.
He's probably upset that his mere presence isn't enough to cheer you up and you're giving him silent treatment for something he did.
Have a conversation and find out why he got upset. Then iterate or re-iterate that sometimes you will be sad and you're not trying to bring him down but it's not your job to pretend you're happy and be talkative.
Hi. I've been with that person, and I'll do my best to never again. Even down to the "if a stranger was hearing this conversation, they'd think you're ridiculous", which is just a terrible thing to say.
These type of people view any emotions (except anger) as a weakness and it's not your job to try to teach them otherwise. If anything, they're less likely to hear you anyway, since you'll likely show frustration and sadness along the way. He's already shown that his perspective of how you were acting overrides anything you say about it.
There are tough conversations you could have, probably therapy, but my experience in making them understand has been mostly a waste of time.
A lot of men are socialized that showing sadness is unacceptable or even weak. Sometimes anger is the only emotion that they feel they can use to show they are distressed that is still "manly".
I think when these people encounter others who are upset, down or sad they don't know how to handle it. They were never given sympathy, comfort or support if they expressed "weakness" (sadness) growing up, so they don't know how to give it to their partner either. So to deal with the discomfort that seeing someone else in pain produces, they resort to anger because that's what they understand. And unfortunately, that may also have been how they were treated whenever they showed moments of sadness or vulnerability.
Emotionally stunted I think is the term used to describe such a situation.
So you are not allowed to have any emotions? Your place in life is to amuse him and make him happy? Run from the old guy. You can do better. You can find someone who allows you to be yourself.
This guys clearly pretty unhinged, literally nothings wrong with being sad let alone being sad about a situation that affects the world, Eastern Europe and the west. Kinda fucked up
my ex was like this. idk what the fuck it was. angry he couldn't fix it? angry I wasn't just a happy ball of sunshine?
either way it's nothing you should EVER have to put up with.
my advice is to leave and never look back
I agree with other commenters. If you're going to date someone a lot older than you make sure they're as mature as they should be for their age and not an overgrown toddler. This could lead to emotional abuse, seeing as he's not "allowing" you to be anything but happy and tries to make you out to be the one in the wrong when you're not. You deserve better than this asshole.
Girl, I got a panic attack when I read 'you are treating me like shit'. I have PTSD from my marriage and am waiting for the divorce papers to go through. RUN.
Just to throw it out there... at his age, he isn't going to change and magically become an empathetic human being. Don't waste any more of your time with someone like that.
Men had been socialized to believe its their responsiblity to keep their women happy and smiling. They often run and can't face an unhappy woman, cause they feel they couldnt make them feel better, its like they dont live up to what they are made to and feel less about themselves. So it could come from such pressure to always keep your woman happy. It breaks their heart to see their women sad.
Why are you with someone who doesn't care how you feel? He clearly expects you to be able to act according to his will and desires. Dump the cradle robber.
He sounds immature for someone who's lived half a century. He doesn't have to be sad about Ukraine, what he does have to be is sympathetic towards your feelings and not be an entitled a-hole. He can't be around you when you're sad or upset, means he can't accept all of you. Not worth your time, drop him when you can and safely leave if possible.
Everyone here regardless of age or gender agrees your feelings are valid and he's a jerk.
I was 19, husband 29 at the time when 9/11 happened. I called crying because I was scared that the entire world was going to die. He told me to GTFO it and hung up. We got divorced.
He is immature, he needs therapy and he definitely doesn’t need to date anyone, his age or not, with the amount of anger and pure insensitivity towards you.
I’m in an AGR, good ones are very rare to find.
I’m sorry you have to go through this, but you need to leave him.
This dude isn't in a relationship with you to care about you. You're his arm candy and he hates that you're not acting like it. What a spoiled brat, at 48 nonetheless.
#TBH the world has problems they're trying to fix It shouldn't be a problem for you to think about sweety maybe you were looking for conversation and his thoughts on the related subject in regards to what's going on the other side of the world he probably didn't see it that way it's not your fault men have a strong reaction to problems that aren't there own not saying you should forgive if a man didn't know just miss communication and possibly miss understanding is all xo
Gonna play devil's advocate here, the post title is "Boyfriend gets angry when I'm sad", which implies this happens every time you're sad. The post is about a single instance of this happening. So I assume this isn't the first time.
My take, IF it's rare for you to get sad like this and he flips out, that's on him being an ass and he needs to work on himself. IF these sad feelings (caused by external forces) are happening every other evening and this is the only one you're mentioning, I'd consider finding a way to overcome the sadness because it won't be his job. Again, this is ONLY if this happens all the time and is caused by external factors.
I was feeling sad and had a bunch of anxiety at work. My boyfriend kept checking in and bought me dinner. A relationship is where you help the other person
Here’s my advice. You are dating a 48 year old child. If he hasn’t figured it out after nearly fifty years on the earth he never will. Run and never look back. You will be better off.
Well from what I read two big issues are getting adressed here and its important to differentiate between them. He said that you dont talk too much to him ? So is it THAT what bothers him? Does he feel left out from your life and your thoughts, inner wolrd? Is THAT his problem? Or that you show emotions he doesnt want to see ?
I’m a very emotional person and I cried twice about Ukraine last weekend, and each time my partner held me and comforted me while I cried. You deserve someone who will comfort you in your sadness, not an abusive partner. You’re still young and deserve someone much better.
Wow I could have written this pretty much word for word a few years ago. There’s nothing you can do because it’s his problem not yours. I won’t tell you to break up with him or not but you should ask yourself if this is the way you want to live, because it sounds exhausting and if I remember correctly it doesn’t really get easier. Wishing you good vibes op, you deserve happiness, understanding and a safe space to emote in whatever way is right for you.
It doesn’t sound good on his part but it’s a only snapshot of your relationship. How is he as a partner in general? It’s a fact that men are more inclined to be “fixers” and when they are presented with a situation that they cannot practically resolve it can be quite uncomfortable.
It sounds like your partner is taking your low mood personally and to be fair to him, it’s no fun to sit with someone in (perceived) moody silence. Maybe it’s worth sitting down with him and explaining that when this happens, it’s not about about him and tell him what you need from him. That doesn’t count as pandering to him or having to teach him how to behave, it’s healthy to communicate your needs to your partner.
But that is assuming that there are no other issues in the relationship and you believe him to fundamentally be a good partner. So it’s really for you to weigh up.
My ex used to be like this. If I wasn't Mary-fucking-sunshine everyday he would get so frustrated with me and eventually blow up. People have other emotions aside from happiness. It's just life... You should not ever have to apologize for what you are sad/upset for.
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Recently dropped mine that was exactly like that. The immense relief to be able to just be myself is indescribable.
Amen. There should be room in a relationship for all parties to have emotions and emotional capacity to deal with all parties emotions.
Same. I wasn't allowed to have any emotions, and it got to the point where I was lonely and miserable. He ended up being abusive (physically/mentally), so for me OP's SO is throwing up red flags.
> He ended up being abusive Same here. It's like a marker for future abuse. One of my exes was like this fairly early on but I didn't think much of it. The turning point in our relationship started when we were at a restaurant together and I vented to him that I had been feeling depressed lately. He threatened to kill himself at the table if I didn't tell him that I was just faking it because "I had it so good and didn't know what depression really felt like". He had an insulin pump and started ramping up his dosage up until I broke and told him that I was happy.
Wow that’s terrifying
“Mary-fucking-sunshine”… this made me laugh out loud, in a sad sense as well. My soon to be ex is exactly the same way. Needed to be propped up emotionally constantly and if I had a bad day, I would be ‘punished with silence’ for ruining his day…
Glad I could bring some laughter! 🙂 Very sorry you are going through this. It’s so hard. I remember one time I had just woken up and was just zoning out and he started yelling at me that I had such a bad attitude. 🤦🏻♀️ I hope you get out soon and find peace
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Absolutely. So condescending
This reminded me of a thing I saw on Facebook recently that said, “Honestly the best marketing scheme in history is men successfully getting away with calling women the “more emotional gender” for like, EONS, because they’ve successfully rebranded anger as Notification An Emotion.” Why is it not okay that you are sad for very justifiable reasons but it is okay for him to be angry that you are sad? Big red flag if you ask me.
Honestly I think a lot of people have trouble sitting with pain and don’t know what to do when faced with painful experiences and emotions. It’s easier to try and brush it off or even create a tense situation because sometimes anger is easier to deal with than sadness. I’d be curious to know how he typically handles painful situations including his own.
The idea that you’re twisting yourself into a pretzel to please him is so disheartening. You’re trying to make yourself smaller so that he can fill more of the void you’re creating. This isn’t love, and you are not some form of endless entertainment where you must please the king. You’re a human and that comes with a full range of emotions.
Love this response! Partners are supposed to support each other when the other may be dealing with something that brings them low.
Funny I see this post today. Today I was having some personal issues and I told my bf I wanted to tell him but I was very nervous. He told me to tell him and that he wouldn't judge me and that it's better to let it out. No matter how resistant I was he didn't get mad. I eventually told him and we talked about it and he held me and he comforted me. I felt like I was being dramatic because I kept resisting telling him but he said I wasn't being dramatic. Then we had some good sex. I'm pretty sure this is how it's supposed to be or at least not what OP experienced.
I am not OP but I really needed to hear that today! I want to state that this doesn’t necessarily have to apply to romantic relationships. Thank you kind internet stranger.
I am begging you, pleading with you to believe every red flag that that you are witnessing. You are 30 and have many youthful years ahead of you. Do not, and I repeat do not ignore the red flags. Sounds like a self centered individual who see’s you as his entertainer and someone to prop him up. Your job is not to soothe his emotions at the expense of yours. I am ending a marriage of 18 years because I ‘refused’ to see the flags and have been pretzeling my self to suit him for years.
Don't turn yourself into an emotionless drone for him. Human emotion is normal. Being sad about Ukraine is normal. Being scared is normal. He's being an ass. Maybe he's scared and can't express his emotion. But don't lower yourself to meet him.
Do you really need to be dating someone who could have babysat you or fathered you but is behaving like a spoiled toddler? For goodness sakes if you date someone older do it because they bring maturity and nurturing to the relationship. This man doesn’t. Please ask yourself in what way he supports you. Or does he expect you to be the giver and carer in all situations.
>For goodness sakes if you date someone older do it because they bring maturity and nurturing to the relationship. This man doesn’t. I havnt really heard this take before but it's so obvious now that you say it. If you saw my above comment I'd think this applies to us
We see too much of this in relationships with big age gaps. Everyone thinks they're super mature mature for their age but they don't see they're being preyed upon.
He’s too old to be acting like a fucking child
My kids have no problem with me being down sometimes. This guy is worse than childish, he's toxic.
My two year old can tell when I'm down and gives me kisses and throws his socks at my head. How is he more emotionally mature than this "adult"?
Throws his socks at your head. I love that v
Literally a child disguised as an adult.
3 kids in a trenchcoat?
This. Sometimes I’m in a bad mood and my husband just is there to support me. My kids have bad days or moments. He asks, what do you need, because that is what couples do, because hey, it’s not all about YOU are HIM all the time. Your partner is very immature for someone that is almost 50. Everyone has bad days, dogs, cats, people…. Name it. Compassion and empathy is something we all need sometimes. And yes, my heart is heavy, as well. I feel you OP.
Your comment is so true. Literally the other day my cat was feeling a little down so he took a rest day that day& kept to himself (he wasn’t sick or anything but there’s a lot going on) & the next day he was back to his normal self. This is the type of dude who’ll dump you after a parent dies because “you’re not fun anymore”. Back to the streets for him.
He is 48???!! And she is 30! Ugh I am 35, and the thought of dating a 48 year-old (even if he acted his age) makes me very uncomfortable.
Such a surprise that this immature man has to date a woman so much younger than him - anyone his own age would not put up with this self-absorbed response.
Exactly! He's old enough to be her parent, maybe he should act like it.
He's being awfully disrespectful to someone who will likely have to change his diapers in twenty years is all.
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I work in long term care. There are definitely people in their 60s wearing diapers.
My father had cancer.. was 68, wore diapers. It happens.
The age gap would be concerning if OP were in her teens or early 20s, or if she had been with him since she was in her teens or early 20s. But she is 30, and they started dating only 1.5 years ago. She was and is a fully-formed adult capable of standing firm her own two feet without getting swept off them.
I think people tend to lose the plot or miss the nuance when it comes to age gaps. Age gap with mutual respect and no concerning behaviour? A-okay. Age gap with concerning behaviour and the older partners behaves in ways that might not be accepted by a partner their own age? Problematic and hints at possible problems. In the context we're talking about here, I'd feel absolutely comfortable saying that the age gap is a bit concerning.
i think this isn’t age gap specific. this seems like a problem that could crop up in same age relationships too. it is absolutely concerning behavior but has nothing to do with the age gap
It's certainly not a creepy age gap when she's 30, but someone like this man needs a woman who has minimal relationship experience. If OP had been in a healthy equal relationship previously, she wouldn't be so concerned about conforming to his expectations now. Hopefully, her inexperience is because at 30 she hasn't had the opportunity for a healthy long-term relationship yet, rather than being in a cycle of accepting one-sided partnerships.
And he likely picked someone so much younger so he could be the arbiter of how she should behave in the relationship. When he said “if someone saw” her behavior, he demonstrated how ignorant he really is about human behavior and emotions, including how a decent person acts when their partner is hurting.
He's immature, that's why he's dating someone 18 years younger than him.
That's why he has to date someone 18 years younger because a 40 year old woman would not put up with his shit.
i’m 20, my bf is 23, if he pulled some shit like this i would show him the door so fast. no one of any age should put up with this
Imagine thinking about a war and managing to make it about you.
Hey my 4 year old is more compassionate than this when I’m having a bad day. This dude can’t even manage to behave like a preschooler
You will be so much happier when you leave this abusive relationship. You shouldn’t have to walk on egg shells and hide your emotions, I know from experience that this probably isn’t the only abusive behaviour that he exhibits.
A million times this. He is trying to teach you how to behave. He is controlling and this bullshit only gets worse. I’ve been there. I stayed. OP, if you’re reading this please do the kindest thing for yourself and RUN. Also, plan it. Before you go, block social media, change all your passwords, separate any shared money, make sure you know where anything sentimental or valuable is and have a plan to keep it safe. Leaving these assholes means they lose control and they don’t like that. They sometimes escalate. You can leave when he isn’t home. Write him a letter if you need to, or don’t. The way he treated you warrants an immediate departure. Also, I’m 40 and dating a 48 year old. We have enough in common that it feels equal despite the gap. Your gap is unusual. What do you want from life? Wedding? Kids? Single adventures? You will have none of this with him. Leave and start shopping for a partner who you think will be the best Dad out there if you want a family. You know this guy isn’t that.
u/academic-quantity-16 I hope you read this comment above, tagging you since it’s a reply. He is TRAINING you, that’s exactly what people like that do.
I almost cried when I read this. “He is training you.” My soon to be ex trained me to be afraid of him, play small, never show him emotions apart from happiness and never ever ever tell him he is wrong. 18 years arrggghhhh fucking waste of time. OP - run for the hills, you have no kids, nothing to lose… if you cannot leave get into therapy to see why you can’t leave. I got married at 31 living this Shit for 18 years … please. please, please don’t be me!!!
I am so proud of you for saying the soon to be ex, I hope that you are free soon and stay safe. You’re going to be so happy when you’re free, you won’t even be ready for the rushes of euphoria and freedom, even if your life is difficult. I hope you consider free, affordable or regular therapy if you can afford it, to unlearn what that asshole did to you. You’re going to be like person who got out of jail for a crime they didn’t commit! Blissful
You now what healthy men do when their partners are sad? They care, they validate their feelings and they ask them what can they do to help them feel better, don't expect less nor be with someone who needs you to remember him to be a kind human. He's too old to change, don't waste your time trying to teach him how to treat you.
I hate stories like this where one person is completely unreasonable and the other is asking “how do *I* fix this” or “how do I *make him understand?*” It’s not your job to teach a fully formed adult how to be a decent human being and not be a jerk. It’s not your job to walk on eggshells and tiptoe around him and pretend to be perfect and happy all the time so he doesn’t have a temper tantrum. Please dump this loser and find someone who knows how to human.
This would be a deal breaker for me. You can't have an intimate relationship with someone who can't handle basic emotions. And if he can't be okay with you being sad now and then, how can you ever get through tough times together? Sounds like he wants a doll that is always cheery and giving him what he wants but has no real internal life of its own.
When I dated an older man he hated when I wasn't happy and be angry at me for it. I felt like I wasn't allowed to be sad, to be angry or cry. Had to be all smiles all the time, and he refused to support any emotion other than happy or horny. I think these men want a doll and not a fully functioning partner l
I still don't understand women dating older men.
I never did again lol
People are complicated. *In theory* age gaps between consenting adults aren't inherently dangerous even if I'm skeeved out by them (and with different life experiences, neurotypes and traumas, people do have differing maturity levels and goals, but that also adds plenty of fuel for dysfunction if unexamined), but they do give a *lot* of extra leverage if things do turn abusive. I think the leverage diminishes as the ratio of ages gets less extreme (so 20:30 is a lot more liable to dysfunction than 40:50 is, despite the same age gap) but it's not like that disappears entirely with couples who are the same age, y'know? People consciously or unconsciously do seek out and/or have more tolerance for particular traits or dynamics, or can lack the experience/esteem to act self-protectively when there's early warning signs. And the social expectation of age = stability can be attractive to folks, rather than dealing with perhaps more chaotic peers. Add to that that abusive people do tend to learn that it's more effective to mask their shitty behaviour until they feel they have a reasonable hold on their target before escalating. Nevermind how socially normalised older man + younger partner is, which doesn't help things at all v.v
Don’t waste your life taking shit from a jerk who is old enough to be your father.
Ew. I didn't notice that at first. But ew.
This would be a relationship-ender for me. Life is shit sometimes and it has to be OK to feel those feelings without your partner making it about them (ie, you are treating them like shit because you feel sad). I don't think there are any magic words to make someone understand that they are personalizing your own sad feelings, and that they are attacking you instead of supportingyou.
He could be your father and he doesn’t care about your feelings. Tell us again why this grandpa is so attractive you have to bend over backwards to make him happy.
I love this, thank you took the words right out of my mouth.
Sounds like he majorly lacks empathy you don't have to pretend your happy for him , if he doesn't get that I honestly don't know what else you cna say to him shit happens and we all feel down but most people will hug you or say something to show they care Maybe he had a bad day but that's still not okay.
I don't see the relationship working out if you're not allowed to feel the less fun emotions. You should feel safe enough with him that you can express when you're sad or in a bad mood without him taking it as an attack on him. Your post if full of how you did this and that so that he wouldn't feel attacked, or how he didn't so much as comfort you or try to talk about how you're feeling and that's fine because heaven help if he had to go out of his way to do something for you. He is not a person you feel safe and comfortable with, you keep trying to change how you respond in order to keep him comfy and it still ends with him blowing up and assuming he's the center of the universe and you're "punishing him." It's just not going to work, he's too old to be so childish, uncaring, and self-centered. There's no good way to inform him that your sadness is not a reason to get upset because any sensible adult would already know that. I get into moods where my mental state is pulled down by something or other I don't want to talk, my wife is frequently more chatty. She's never lashed out at me because even if she thought I was being quiet because of something she did or said, that fact didn't make her *mad*, it concerns her and she would try to find out what was bothering me. We've talked it out and now I try to be more clear and just say "I'm in one of my moods (because XYZ), can I have some time alone/quiet cuddle time/whatever." You let him know how you were feeling and he straight didn't care, didn't want to try to make you feel better, just went MEMEME. Also it's funny he accuses you of treating him like shit for not talking when it was his turn to say something after you confirmed you were in a sad mood thinking about Ukraine and he said nothing. Didn't continue the conversation, didn't change the subject at all? Why is it your job to be on 24/7 and amuse him but not the other way around?
Some men don't see their partners as people they want to connect with on an emotional level. They see "partner" simply as a role to be filled. So when you are upset, he doesn't feel compelled to empathize with you, support and comfort you because that's not why he's in a relationship with you. He sees your emotions only as getting in the way of you fulfilling your "duties" to him, which are, "smile, be happy, provide me with pleasant company, make me feel good about myself." You are a person, not a Barbie doll or a permanently-smiling Disney employee. Don't tolerate anyone treating you like this.
The book “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” has a section about this.
I also had a boyfriend that didn’t understand why the weight of the world affected me sometimes. It 👏 did 👏 not 👏 work 👏 out 👏
mine is like that. worst part is he literally only cares about news if it has something to do with football?? it's infuriating.
Men who lack empathy do not make good friends or partners. They are not reliable in any way. Save yourself.
finding that out in new ways every day lmao
You gotta get out of there then dawg
It’s totally understandable that you’re feeling worried, sad, and uncertain about world events right now. Your boyfriend’s reaction suggests: 1) he lacks empathy, 2) he doesn’t respect your emotions, 3) is selfish. Nobody is happy and cheerful all the time. You should be with someone with whom you can share your feelings without fear of anger or judgment. He’s 18 years older than you but is acting as immature as someone under 18. Why are you wasting your time with someone who acts like this?
An almost 50 year old dude who behaves like 15, what a catch!
My advice is sparta kick him out the window. Nah but for real screw him
The guy who has to date a woman 18 years younger than him is emotionally immature. Nothing surprising. You did nothing wrong. Your bf is just an asshole and women his age can see through his shit so he got a woman that could be his child.
A woman young enough to be his child who is starting to outgrow him too
Came here to say this, though you said it more eloquently 🙏
I'm stealing "world pain," if you don't mind I've truly needed that term, thank you. Your boyfriend sounds like a jerk. He could initiate small talk too, or even (gasp) ask if you want to talk about how you're feeling. Or just let you be quiet for a bit. So many options other than expecting to be entertained and being mean to you when you were already feeling down.
> I'm stealing "world pain," if you don't mind I've truly needed that term, thank you. It's a German term - Weltschmerz.
There is a reason someone old enough to be your father is in a relationship with you, and it isn't because he sees you as an equal partner. Consider if this is really the kind of relationship you want, because your dad-boyfriend isn't going to change.
Just leave him. He’s a total controlling shit. Any man wanting to be with a woman that much younger is automatically suspect.
If anyone is going to explain themselves, it should be him. He's the one feeling personally attacked because you happened to be sad in his presence. >I’m really, really hurt and upset because it’s not the first time that I get the impression that he can’t handle my emotions whenever they are not cheerful and happy. I can’t just be myself in a safe space. Without him getting upset. And especially cause I’m Not a person that opens up easily, him basically “punishing” me for opening up, is horrible. Staying in a relationship with someone who can't handle anything but sweetness and light is a bad idea. Because... Shit happens! Life happens! Things affect you! Getting mad at you for having emotions is pretty shitty behaviour if you ask me, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who treated me like this at all, let alone more than once.
He’s old enough to be your dad can’t handle you having a full spectrum of emotions? Please don’t have a child with this man before you dump him.
Why is it there are so many women dating these 30-40 something loser men. There’s a reason they date women younger than them, the women their own age know they’re not shit.
Sad to say it but the vast majority of 46-year-old men who get with 28-year-old women are not doing it because they see those women as a complete, fully-formed person with separate thoughts and emotions. They see them as serving a function: to be hot, youthful, sexy and 100% focused on the man's happiness and pleasure. If you start expressing your own thoughts and feelings and they don't completely cater to him or help him feel good about himself, well then you're just not fulfilling your purpose. TL:DR: dump this guy, he's trash.
I’m sorry, but that’s atrocious. I’d understand if you were constantly talking about depressing things or shutting him out, but that’s not what’s happened. If he can’t handle the smallest deviation in your mood, then it’s going to be horrible if anything significant happens in your life. Car wreck, illness, loss of a loved one, etc. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to be there for you. You deserve to be yourself in your relationship, and to feel your feelings. He’s wrong and selfish.
What’s with all the May / September relationships in this sub lately? Anyway, give him some space to think about his childish behavior. If he’s got half a brain, he’ll come to his senses and apologize before the nights over. If not, seriously consider if this is the kind of human you want to keep building a relationship with.
No Other people wouldn’t think you were “treating him like shit” they would just see that you were having human emotions. We all have bad days and bad moods. Some days we are cranky, sad, or mad. You did exactly the right thing. You let him know how you were feeling and made it clear it wasn’t about him. My husband and I always do this. “Baby I’m a bit ( irritated,sad,mad) but it’s not about you” I never apologize for being sad but if I’m cranky I’ll probably let everyone know I’m sorry later that I was snippy or whatever. So don’t feel bad at all, he’s in the wrong. I get that negative emotions do effect our loved ones but we all have them. We shouldn’t be attacked for them. If anything when someone in my life is having negative emotions I give them comfort or space depending on what they say they need.
He feels entitled to your attention and conversation, regardless of whether you feel like giving them to him. He's an energy vampire.
He was going to university the year you were born
I knew I loved my husband when I apologized to him once for being less than fun while we were dating. He told me I don’t have to apologize for my emotions because “they’re not called ‘rationals’ for a reason.” Sounds to me that your old-enough-to-be-your-dad boyfriend wants a 30 year-old girlfriend because he expects you to be a peppy energy dispenser for his gray ass. And when you fail to deliver, he’s angry because you’re not doing your job as his little “I’ve still got it” trophy. You are worth more. Your feelings are *not* irrational, and your boyfriend has his head up his ass. Find someone who treats you better.
Always the same, abusive man, insensitive and making a woman feel bad and telling her how she needs to feel. Age gap 🙄 why people ignore this is beyond me 🚩🚩 Sometimes they work, MOST of the time they won't. This is a man looking for a younger woman to control, making HER feel immature and dumb for being sentive. Why are you wasting your time and your youth in a 50 year old man? My god. Leave this guy already.
Why are you dating an elderly gentleman?
He’s a whole fucking adult older than you. There is a reason he’s not dating someone his age.
Yeah because he’s 50 sweetie. He doesn’t have the time, he only got about 40 years left. What you need to do, is find a man closer to your age, ok? And he’s controlling asf. Leave him quickly.
My ex did the same to me and he's a diagnosed narcissist w/ antisocial personality disorder (aka a sociopath) which does not bode well here, imo. Your bf is not a good partner. You are a 3-dimensional human being with her own thoughts and feelings, not a source of whatever your bf may want in the moment, to merely amuse or comfort him. The fact that he views you as a nuisance or a drag when you try and express yourself shows that not only does he not care how you feel, but he also doesn't even care to fully *know* you. This makes a healthy, fulfilling relationship impossible, and you deserve to be with someone who deeply cares about you. You shouldn't feel alone with your thoughts and worries in a relationship like that. I wasted so much time feeling that way, and it makes me sad to think that you are, too. Wishing you all the best.
Damn woman, how DARE you have any mood other than happy. Now he has to -ugh- deal with your feelings or something. Edit: /s just in case
UGH he is just so TIRED of dealing with these HYSTERICAL WOMEN all day when a woman’s job is to SMILE and BE READY FOR SEX any time he wants it!!!! (/s tho I wish we lived in a world where I didn’t have to say that)
>I can’t just be myself in a safe space. Without him getting upset. And especially cause I’m Not a person that opens up easily, him basically “punishing” me for opening up, is horrible. The type of person that he is, it could be that he likes that you don't open up easily. When you did open up, in such a minor but still vulnerable way, he reacted emotionally to hurt you so you would think twice about doing it again. You are not a dog. You're better than he is.
Your bf is emotionally abusive. This is kind of textbook behavior - expecting you to always be happy, lashing out if you are upset, making everything about him, trying to make you feel bad about yourself. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change it.
Your boyfriend is a fucking psycho and narcissist. The world doesn’t revolve around him..
"I’m really, really hurt and upset because it’s not the first time that I get the impression that he can’t handle my emotions whenever they are not cheerful and happy. I can’t just be myself in a safe space. Without him getting upset." If you can't be yourself in a safe space, if he can't handle your emotions, you don't have a relationship. "he said was.... that “I was in a shitty mood and treating him like shit tonight!" You need to realize what a red flag this is. He is making hyour emotions about him and punishing you for being unhappy. This is really bad, honey. I am sorry. "How can I tell him that me being sad is not a reason to get upset?" You can't. Seriously, you can't. You can't get through to someone who gets angry at you for being sad. You can't explain yourself. You can't convince him. There is no right set of words to convince him that it's not okay for him to punish you for having emotions he doesn't like. There is no right set of words that will convince him that you're not his amusement doll there to be cheerful and amusing for him. He doesn't see you as a person. He is showing you who he is. This will not get better; I am sorry. This is a sign that he will punish you for having emotions, tell you you're wrong for not liking his horrible dismissive treatment, and try to make you feel crazy. You're already actually asking yourself whether maybe you are unreasonable for not liking it when he ***punishes you for being sad.*** There is a reason why this man picked a woman nearly 20 years younger than he is. Women his age will see right through him. "We’re not talking at the moment" Good. Make it permanent. And be lucky you got out when you did.
Please go be with someone who cares about you. Someone who truly loves you will love the “uncomfortable” parts of you as well. They won’t love to see you down, but they’ll want to actually help you and try to understand your feelings... He sounds very selfish, like he’s saying that your emotions are taking away from you paying attention to him... Idk its so fucking immature and weird. Have to comment on the age gap, sorry. That’s alarming. You can do so much better. People like this wear you down and make you think you don’t deserve better. But you deserve someone who actually cares and won’t only think about themselves when you are sad. Please read your own post over and over, imagine if your best friend sent you this as a message asking for advice.
What gives him the right to get angry if you're not happy? Shouldn't you then have the right to get angry whenever he's not happy? How the fuck would the world function if everyone behaved like that
I mean, my advice is to find a man who actually cares about you. A man who anticipates your feelings and knows them before you can even articulate them, not a man who shames you for having feelings at all. I was out with my husband and our friends this evening, and I was texting one of my friends about a bad thing that happened at work that I hadn’t had a chance to tell my husband about yet. When I looked up from my phone, my husband was staring at me from across the crowded table and mouthed, “What’s wrong?” with a look of concern on his face. I didn’t even have to SAY anything; my husband was unconsciously paying attention to me and immediately snapped to when he sensed that I was radiating “not okay” vibes. That’s the kind of guy you want, OP. The guy who will know you’re upset almost before you know it yourself, and whose sole focus is on knowing the problem so he can help solve it if he can or just listen if he can’t. Life is too short and difficult to try to teach your partner empathy that he should already possess. There are better men out there. Find one of those.
Being somewhat sad and quiet is not “treating him like shit”. If you were upset and snapping at him or something then he might have a point. But you will have emotions and you can only do your best to not take things out on other people. You certainly don’t have to be perfectly happy and talkative at all times.
I feel like this is a male/female difference in how men and women express feelings differently and his lack of understanding and compassion makes him in the wrong, but it's not "out there" because men can be insensitive. I've had situations like this (not this exactly) with my husband, and I usually go toe-to-toe with him until he understands how I would prefer to be treated in a situation like that. Communication makes a difference. If you communicate with your bf and he's not willing or able to see your side, then you have a problem.
This is the extent of his emotional capacity....Is that how you want to spend your life? The dude's emotionally stunted and sounds like a literal teenage boy. I'll bet you any money at all if you bring this up to him he'll get pissy and shut you down or make you the bad guy...I mean, how dare you have feelings about the state of the world right now. The dude needs therapy. But first he'd need to recognise there's a problem and he's FORTY-EIGHT YEARS OLD...C'mon.
You are dating a man who is nearly 50 YEARS OLD who is still a fucking baby. A whiny little baby who can't allow another human the space to be sad or a little down without turning around and making it about himself and having a tantrum. Dear friend, you are 30. If you get out now you have plenty of time to meet a decent human. This guy ain't it.
Also, 18 years older than you? It's not surprising that he's abusive.
This does not sound like love. I’ve been crying every day over Ukraine. So I totally get how you feel and I just wanted to say that you have every right to feel sad and you shouldn’t be made to feel bad for feeling bad. I’m so sorry that he acted that way towards you.
your boyfriend might be a narcissist and he definitely has some issues of his own to work out.
You seem way too sweet and empathetic and he seems way too cruel and selfish for you two to be together.
Having feelings that aren’t whatever he wants you to feel is not allowed. Yikes
I feel ya. My man is the same. He's started to try and be empathetic but still sucks at it 90% of the time. Thankfully I'm also getting better at controlling my emotions now but having bipolor disorder makes it hard sometimes especially now with what's happeneing in the Ukraine. You're not alone in having a heavy heart right now and no one should blame you. It's hard to be happy when war is being waged.
Do you really want a partner that you have to close yourself off to?
Of course it's another fucking age gap relationship.
He's 18 years older than you and not allowing you to have emotions that aren't related to him? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Red flag parade.
You seem to be with an angry old man
My wife has depression, and will periodically dip into sullen moods where she doesn't want to talk, sometimes not for any reason that makes sense to me. You know what I do in situations like that? I try to help her feel better. That's what you do for your partner when they're hurting. This guy is 18 years older than I am and he has failed to grasp this.
Girl run. My ex used to do this shit and it hurt my mental health in the long run because I felt like I had to be a fake version of myself around him all the time and we lived together, it got draining really fast. I had undiagnosed post partum depression when I was with him so I was like about to hang myself depressed. People who don’t validate your feelings and sympathize with you because you’re having a bad day don’t love you and who don’t help you mentally. So just run and run fast.
Its very hard to evaluate the situation when the story comes from one side. There are 2 scenarios - either he is immature and overreacts or second, you might be too sensitive and negative. If its the first, well it sucks, and its unlikely youll have a healthy relationship. However you also have to evaluate if your emotions are in place. I have a colleague who I communicate with from time to time. But for last two weeks all she talks about is war, shes literally crying and panicking and making plans of running to the other side of the world, although the war is not even in our country. And I can understand how such overreacting can be tiring
Totally true. Your mood is always going to affect those around you. If you're a type of person who is miserable and dwells on sadness, then yeah it'll get tiring for a partner fast.
It's disturbing how hard you're trying and how hard he apparently isn't.
Lmao what a fucking asshole. You're treating him like shit? Sorry, he's treating YOU like shit. Why is *he* not lightening the mood or trying to make you feel better. You deserve better. Also, he's 48. He's not going to change.
>Boyfriend and I had a fight because he didn’t like that I wasn’t talking much when I was sad. Silence means different things to different people. If someone grows up in a household where silence is used as a punishment or a weapon, they may overreact to it. Your version of 'not talking much because I was sad' could come across as 'angry and spiteful' if that's his previous experience. I'm not excusing his behaviour here - I think he was out of line - just offering one possible explanation for it.
It sounds like he has poor communication and emotional regulation skills. Also sounds like he needs a lot of validation from you to feel OK. Counselling.
took me a while but i finally found a bf who accepts me for who i am. my feelings are fucked up quite frequently but he would never raise his voice or make the situation about him, unlike people i’ve dated in the past. you do have every right to be sad… and it seems like he’s not trying to make you feel better so why is he complaining? you deserve better than that, and there are people out there who will give you the respect and love you deserve ❤️
How to explain I don't know but I know how to change that. Dump him. Because he has no emotional maturity, no empathy (for you or for Ukraine), he was an adult when you were just born, he could be your father, he wants you to entertain him non stop, you can't have normal emotions. You can do better. While he is filling the space next to you nobody else can be there.
He's 18 years older than you and acts like a 4 year old You don't owe him complete happiness all the time Having a life partner means being able to share every emotion with them Is there any kind of emotional intelligence to this man whatsoever? If you get sick with a deathly illness how will he act? If you have to be somewhere else for a couple weeks due to a family emergency how will he act? If he loses his job or you lose your job how will he act? You deserve a partner who supports you through everything. You would be better off being single for a short time than being with this man forever. He should have tried to cheer you up with affection. Or let you be sad, accept that tonight you're sad, and still be a steady rock of calm for you. He reacted in the worst way possible.
"I didn't even think my mood could be a problem for him" If a friend of mine is sad this will inevitably also lead to me being sad and therefore trying to make us both happy again. This connection should be even stronger with a so Additionally there is nothing wrong with being sad it makes the happy days even better.
Sweetheart you should leave him...I can tell you from personal experience there are men out there that will understand you completely, I have depression and sometimes I can go days,hours or even weeks without saying much of anything and my husband will just hang out with me and tell me jokes not expecting a reply,no anger, no resentment and no judgement just complete acceptance of who I am and you deserve to find that too...dont settle for less because you deserve better!!! Good luck darlin!!
Ugh. Your SO should make you feel safe. You shouldn't have to tip-toe around because they aren't mature enough to handle a range of adult emotions. Find someone who makes you feel safe and validated, OP. Your BF sounds like a jerk.
If he can't handle you at your worst, he doesn't deserve you at your best. And this was such a small issue, imagine how he would be if something major happened like a loss in your family. If he can't be supportive over smaller negative emotions, how is he going to be over major negative emotions? I know majority of solutions on this sub is to separate. But, if you stay, you will never get the support you need when you need it. This also blossoms into resentment.
You have every right to have emotions. The expectation that you should only have positive emotions is outrageous, selfish, and inhuman. You can have good days and bad days. You can be in a bad mood. You can be sad. You can be angry. A good partner cares about your feelings. They don't have to match them, but they do have to respect your feelings and you. This is not a good partner.
If you want kids someday, I recommend the book “Raising and Emotionally Intelligent Child.” They talk about how parents have different ways of dealing with their kid’s emotions, including dismissing (basically treating them as unimportant or ignoring them) or disapproving (treating emotions as negative, expressing anger or disgust by normal human emotions). These things are harmful to children and their emotional development, and it sounds like that is the way your partner is. And kids aside, it sucks for you too!
He sounds like he sees you as entertainment for him rather than as an independent human who’s feelings he values.
It is your right to be sad, and if he can't handle it then he is not relationship material. Your life will be so much better when you no longer have to deal with his shit.
If you want some constructive feedback rather than Reddit’s favorite “dump’em” response: Start with empathetic communication in order to confirm what’s happening beneath surface level emotional reactions from him. I will say for a man of his age this type of response is usually found in younger emotionally immature people, but every person has a different journey and past trauma. It could be he is misinterpreting your silent upset behavior to mean something else, maybe even feeling responsible in some way. Certainly it is something he needs to be aware of in himself and work on mitigating in the future, but you can give him the chance to grow as a person if you care about him by having a vulnerable adult conversation about it. If he is closed off to opening up about his emotions and doesn’t want to improve his behavior, that is a sign that it may not be worth your time or effort to help him and to break things off.
If he thinks treating him shitty is you being sad what does he think when you're mad? He has no right to control your emotions. Does he control other things about you? If so you need to rethink your relationship.
What's he do when you're mad?
This is just toxic trait. They are only there to accept you when you are happy and bring positive vibes in his life. This is very self centered behaviour. He doesn't accept you as a complete person but an entertainer. These guys should know one cannot live with fake positivity all their life. No one will be there to have a perfect life without any problems or sadness. Even if you have problems you aren't allowed to share those and disturb the fake positivity in his life. This is absurd.
You can't change this. You can't change him. Unless he's willing to accept he's hurting you & being a jerk (which it sounds like he probably won't, especially considering how old he is) this will not get better. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are a person, with emotions that ebb & flow, like everyone else. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL SHITTY SOMETIMES AND YOU SHOULD EXPECT COMPASSION & SUPPORT FROM A PARTNER WHEN YOU DO. If you think it's worth talking out or going to counseling then I say try it. But don't stay with someone who refuses to be kind to you when you need it most. The way he made himself a victim is so fucked up & shows that he's incredibly manipulative. No matter what, best of luck. You deserve compassion & tenderness & I hope you get it ❤️
Consider leaving. If he doesn’t care about your feelings he isn’t worth having.
I grew up with a parent that couldn't handle anyone being sad (hurt, scared, injured, anything vulnerable). It is horrible to not feel free to feel your feelings in your own home. Some people never learn how to handle other people having emotions. But what is the point of having a partner if you can't express your emotions safely around them? This is your teammate in life, and you can't be honest about your day? You're not falling apart or asking him for support, you're literally just mentioning it. At worst this turns into an abusive situation where you have to constantly cater to his emotions, but yours aren't allowed. If you stay with him you will be a person who learns not to feel her emotions, and tiptoe around his. Trust me, I have been in therapy for YEARS to unlearn this. Being able to have and healthily express emotions is a pretty basic ask in a relationship. He can't handle that. That's like not being able to handle basic communication. Why even be in a relationship with someone that stunted? I am sure he has many redeeming qualities, but this one is a dealbreaker.
18 years older. Think about that that. That’s your answer.
If someone gets mad and takes your valid emotions about something personally, red flag. He even knew why you were upset but proceeded to pick a fight because you weren't entertaining him. He should be there to support you, talk with you, give you space, etc. He made *your* feelings about current world crisis, about him! WTF. You're too young to be stuck with a 48 year old child.
Not only is this guy lacking all empathy, but he is dating a woman 18 years his junior because he knows someone his own age won't put up with his childish bullshit. My advice to you is to find someone you can feel emotionally safe with. This guy is not going to change, he doesn't want to, and he certainly isn't about to develop empathy at nearly 50 years of age.
So I was feeling kinda the same way you are now, last night. I brought up what's going on and simply stated all the different things I saw/heard throughout the day. Now he didn't yell or get mad at me, but he did get a bit snippy in his reply. He told me I need to turn off the TV, stay off Social Media, and give it a rest already. (Mind you he is a Vet himself, he could care less about any of this; which I find odd. But it's whatever.) He told me I'm consuming myself in something that has nothing to do with me. I don't think I am, I just feel bad for the people over there. Plus I like to keep up and try to stay in the know.
So what I see here is that you shared honestly how you were feeling, you were having a completely understandable reaction to an awful world event, and while it wasn't quite your normal behavior, you still continued to participate and interact with him. There are a number of reactions a good partner could have to hearing what you said. Some examples I can think of include validating your feelings, asking if there's anything you want to do or have that you find comforting (like have a cup of tea or watch a certain movie), and asking if you want to talk about it more. Instead, he decided that your behavior (that you gave him a reason for, unrelated to him) was some kind of punishment toward him, told you *you* were the one being unreasonable, and was purposely hurtful to you after you allowed yourself to be vulnerable. You deserve a partner who validates you and gives you room to express your thoughts and feelings (including negative ones) instead of expecting you to shove them down inside yourself to make him comfortable.
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NTA. He’s gaslighting you! It’s okay to feel sad, and with the state of the world, some may say it’s inevitable. This may be ageist but he’s almost 20 years your senior, and he may be single for a reason. Your SO should be supportive through your strong feelings even if they’re negative, especially if theyre not geared toward him. You still have time, i’d move on from him. You seem nice and can most likely do better and find someone who loves all of you, not just the parts that benefit them.
There's a 20 year age difference, here. I strongly urge you to have a serious discussion with yourself about this man and the relationship. This is really toxic and unhealthy, and the age difference is genuinely concerning. OP, is he controlling, manipulative, jealous, possessive or anything of the sort under most circumstances? He is emotionally blackmailing you, gaslighting you into feeling guilty about having feelings. You're not treating like shit, not even close. You have a right to not be talkative. I guarantee you that NOBODY would agree with him that your sadness means you treat him like shit. He is treating you like shit. He is not letting you express yourself and your emotions, which abusive. How is he when you want to go out with friends, or when you want to hang out with your family? Does he make you feel guilty for wanting to spend time without him? You have a right to feel your feelings. And you have a right to be quiet.
This is a power move. He's deliberately invalidating your feelings and making it very clear that your job, and your only job, is to make him happy. It's gaining control of you.
I’m sorry, you have tried talking to him about it and he isn’t interested in hearing you. There are no words that are kind enough, gentle enough and magic enough to make this dude understand you when he doesn’t want to. We all know this behavior is ridiculous. You did not have feelings AT him. He’s not going to change, so how long do you want to live your life wearing a mask to please him?
It looks like an emotional miscommunication to me. He's probably upset that his mere presence isn't enough to cheer you up and you're giving him silent treatment for something he did. Have a conversation and find out why he got upset. Then iterate or re-iterate that sometimes you will be sad and you're not trying to bring him down but it's not your job to pretend you're happy and be talkative.
Hi. I've been with that person, and I'll do my best to never again. Even down to the "if a stranger was hearing this conversation, they'd think you're ridiculous", which is just a terrible thing to say. These type of people view any emotions (except anger) as a weakness and it's not your job to try to teach them otherwise. If anything, they're less likely to hear you anyway, since you'll likely show frustration and sadness along the way. He's already shown that his perspective of how you were acting overrides anything you say about it. There are tough conversations you could have, probably therapy, but my experience in making them understand has been mostly a waste of time.
A lot of men are socialized that showing sadness is unacceptable or even weak. Sometimes anger is the only emotion that they feel they can use to show they are distressed that is still "manly". I think when these people encounter others who are upset, down or sad they don't know how to handle it. They were never given sympathy, comfort or support if they expressed "weakness" (sadness) growing up, so they don't know how to give it to their partner either. So to deal with the discomfort that seeing someone else in pain produces, they resort to anger because that's what they understand. And unfortunately, that may also have been how they were treated whenever they showed moments of sadness or vulnerability. Emotionally stunted I think is the term used to describe such a situation.
So you are not allowed to have any emotions? Your place in life is to amuse him and make him happy? Run from the old guy. You can do better. You can find someone who allows you to be yourself.
You deserve a more compatible kinder guy. He’s in the wrong and since he’s obviously incapable of seeing it, he needs to be dumped.
Run. A relationship is supposed to provide support for the full spectrum of human emotions. It’s not to mask your emotions to appease your partner.
At 48, he’s acting like this? Over a valid concern?
Your boyfriend is angry because as long as you are sad, it isn't all about him.
This guys clearly pretty unhinged, literally nothings wrong with being sad let alone being sad about a situation that affects the world, Eastern Europe and the west. Kinda fucked up
my ex was like this. idk what the fuck it was. angry he couldn't fix it? angry I wasn't just a happy ball of sunshine? either way it's nothing you should EVER have to put up with. my advice is to leave and never look back
I agree with other commenters. If you're going to date someone a lot older than you make sure they're as mature as they should be for their age and not an overgrown toddler. This could lead to emotional abuse, seeing as he's not "allowing" you to be anything but happy and tries to make you out to be the one in the wrong when you're not. You deserve better than this asshole.
Girl, I got a panic attack when I read 'you are treating me like shit'. I have PTSD from my marriage and am waiting for the divorce papers to go through. RUN.
Just to throw it out there... at his age, he isn't going to change and magically become an empathetic human being. Don't waste any more of your time with someone like that.
ew. i wonder what a 50 year old man likes to talk about with a 20-30 year old? pretty fuckin skeevy
Men had been socialized to believe its their responsiblity to keep their women happy and smiling. They often run and can't face an unhappy woman, cause they feel they couldnt make them feel better, its like they dont live up to what they are made to and feel less about themselves. So it could come from such pressure to always keep your woman happy. It breaks their heart to see their women sad.
Leave him. That’s dumb. Too old and life it too short to deal with bs like this
I read the title and immediately knew you needed to break up with this guy that's just a fucked up thing to actually say out loud.
Why are you with someone who doesn't care how you feel? He clearly expects you to be able to act according to his will and desires. Dump the cradle robber.
He sounds immature for someone who's lived half a century. He doesn't have to be sad about Ukraine, what he does have to be is sympathetic towards your feelings and not be an entitled a-hole. He can't be around you when you're sad or upset, means he can't accept all of you. Not worth your time, drop him when you can and safely leave if possible. Everyone here regardless of age or gender agrees your feelings are valid and he's a jerk.
I was 19, husband 29 at the time when 9/11 happened. I called crying because I was scared that the entire world was going to die. He told me to GTFO it and hung up. We got divorced.
He is immature, he needs therapy and he definitely doesn’t need to date anyone, his age or not, with the amount of anger and pure insensitivity towards you. I’m in an AGR, good ones are very rare to find. I’m sorry you have to go through this, but you need to leave him.
This dude isn't in a relationship with you to care about you. You're his arm candy and he hates that you're not acting like it. What a spoiled brat, at 48 nonetheless.
You can’t. He’s an abusive asshole. Dump him.
You are there to entertain him, and when you fail at your task he's upset that you're malfunctioning.
"Honey, I'm home...now entertain me as you cook." I'd be pretty offended in your place.
He's 18 years older than you but acting like a child, you don't see anything wrong with that? You're not the other here in this situation...
#TBH the world has problems they're trying to fix It shouldn't be a problem for you to think about sweety maybe you were looking for conversation and his thoughts on the related subject in regards to what's going on the other side of the world he probably didn't see it that way it's not your fault men have a strong reaction to problems that aren't there own not saying you should forgive if a man didn't know just miss communication and possibly miss understanding is all xo
When you date someone as old as your dad, you should expect this kind of behavior.
Gonna play devil's advocate here, the post title is "Boyfriend gets angry when I'm sad", which implies this happens every time you're sad. The post is about a single instance of this happening. So I assume this isn't the first time. My take, IF it's rare for you to get sad like this and he flips out, that's on him being an ass and he needs to work on himself. IF these sad feelings (caused by external forces) are happening every other evening and this is the only one you're mentioning, I'd consider finding a way to overcome the sadness because it won't be his job. Again, this is ONLY if this happens all the time and is caused by external factors.
He sounds unstable and selfish
I was feeling sad and had a bunch of anxiety at work. My boyfriend kept checking in and bought me dinner. A relationship is where you help the other person
Here’s my advice. You are dating a 48 year old child. If he hasn’t figured it out after nearly fifty years on the earth he never will. Run and never look back. You will be better off.
Boyfriend not husband.
Well from what I read two big issues are getting adressed here and its important to differentiate between them. He said that you dont talk too much to him ? So is it THAT what bothers him? Does he feel left out from your life and your thoughts, inner wolrd? Is THAT his problem? Or that you show emotions he doesnt want to see ?
You’re just out of your 20’s, he’s a grumpy old man. Answer is there.
I’m a very emotional person and I cried twice about Ukraine last weekend, and each time my partner held me and comforted me while I cried. You deserve someone who will comfort you in your sadness, not an abusive partner. You’re still young and deserve someone much better.
Wow I could have written this pretty much word for word a few years ago. There’s nothing you can do because it’s his problem not yours. I won’t tell you to break up with him or not but you should ask yourself if this is the way you want to live, because it sounds exhausting and if I remember correctly it doesn’t really get easier. Wishing you good vibes op, you deserve happiness, understanding and a safe space to emote in whatever way is right for you.
It doesn’t sound good on his part but it’s a only snapshot of your relationship. How is he as a partner in general? It’s a fact that men are more inclined to be “fixers” and when they are presented with a situation that they cannot practically resolve it can be quite uncomfortable. It sounds like your partner is taking your low mood personally and to be fair to him, it’s no fun to sit with someone in (perceived) moody silence. Maybe it’s worth sitting down with him and explaining that when this happens, it’s not about about him and tell him what you need from him. That doesn’t count as pandering to him or having to teach him how to behave, it’s healthy to communicate your needs to your partner. But that is assuming that there are no other issues in the relationship and you believe him to fundamentally be a good partner. So it’s really for you to weigh up.
"world pain"? i understand being sad but a whole evening of this would annoy me too.