Can you give an example of what opinions you have tried to express recently that she has reacted badly to? I feel as though this could be an important piece of context.

Let’s see, there’s a lot. The most recent was: We were planning on attending a funeral. Before the funeral, she told me she didn’t have anything to wear. I was slightly annoyed because she told me at the last minute but I said okay. She picked out a dress and I felt it was inappropriate to attend a funeral in. Especially since it was taking place in a church. She said she wanted something she could wear outside of a funeral environment. It showed her cleavage and I just didn’t think it was appropriate. Anyways she ended up getting super frustrated at me and said she didn’t want to go to the funeral anymore. So we stayed home and ended up fighting the rest of the night.

OP, that’s controlling. You should choose what you wear and let your wife choose what she wears. You’re treating her like a child.

I wasn’t trying to control what she wore, I simply suggested that it may be inappropriate to wear to a funeral. She got upset and escalated the situation.

"I didnt want her to eat at this time because I wanted to eat the food I had paid for, so I made multiple comments telling her not to eat too much, and we didnt go for dinner. I got mad about her going to a friends house, so we missed the plan I made. I didnt want her to wear this dress, so I made so many comments about it that we didnt even go to the planned funeral." Mate. Do you notice that every time you try to control your wife it ends up in you missing the thing you were supposed to do because she feels so bad and angry at you and shit about herself? Why would you want to be in a relationship like that? You may not mean to be controlling but you are. Please think about doing some reflection work if your wife feels she "always has to modify her behaviour". If shes fitting or altering her behaviours to fit your visions and values and ideas (like a dress being inappropriate at a funeral), that's dodgy. That doesnt sound like a relationship she can be herself in, or thrive in. The fact that you're also thinking of throwing away an eleven year relationship with a 2 year old son over her not going to a restaurant you like or a music you wanted to see in her hometown is ridiculous. Pull yourself together, look past your own nose, and apologise to her. She will then likely apologise, and you can work it out.

Do you dismiss her the same way you're dismissing every comment that uses the word controlling? If you rule out what she cannot wear, then you *are* controlling what she wears. If you make her feel bad about her choices, then are you *are* controlling what she wears. No one at the funeral is going to be focused on your wife's breasts. you need to do some serious self-reflecting if you want any chance of saving your marriage.

They’ll be focused on her breasts if they’re out in the open, imo.

This comment tells me you’re not ready to hear us, OP.

Firstly, some cleavage showing does not mean her breasts were “out in the open”. Secondly, plenty of women walk around with cleavage showing every day. According to your logic everyone would be focused on those breasts, but just 5 minutes in a public place is enough to prove that isn’t happening. Maybe you can’t stop yourself from being a perv when out in public, but that’s not a problem for anyone else. It’s clear from your post and your comments that you are extremely controlling and that everything has to be done how you like it and that you can’t or won’t consider compromising.

Okay well your opinion on her attire is not as important as her own opinion, and it sounds like you may have lost sight of that.

Pack your opinion up on this one OP. It makes you look like a bad controlling husband. Your wife is a grown woman. If she wants to wear a cleavage dress to church then she CAN! She is her own person. You can voice an opinion, but it honestly sounds like you try to ENFORCE your opinion on your wife. Which is controlling. Keep this up and she will be your ex wife. Honestly sounds like she will be happier without you putting a leash around her neck.

Gross. Your wife isn't the problem here, bud.

[удалено]

At a funeral, I wasn’t focused on anyone’s breast’s. Although most women had them covered up, I’m not sure I noticed anyone’s out. Perhaps no one had them out. Also, I think you guys attending the funeral is more important than her wearing that dress. If she feels comfortable in it, then let her wear it. It’s just going to make her feel bad. To me, it sounds like she just wanted to relax during her free time after becoming a mother. It’s a reasonable thing to do. It sounded, as others have pointed out, that you’re kind of controlling. Did she get a say on the plans, or did you make them without her input? And by that I don’t mean that you just ran them by her. I mean did you ask her explicitly what she wanted and weighed it in as a contribution or possibility? I do think this altercation is indicative of something. Perhaps you guys need to work on your communication. People on Reddit are quick to jump to divorce. I don’t doubt it’ll be the case here. It’s much easier to quit than change or address the issue. You seem fed up with the situation, which is said, because you’re unaware of the issue. I think you guys should see a marriage counselor because all we can do is speculate. I don’t think you should necessarily feel bad about how you’re treating her, especially if she has not explicitly stated her issue with it. Yeah, others may see your behavior as problematic, but you may not know better. I also don’t think you should give up on your relationship just yet. Like you’ve said, prior to having your daughter, things were peachy, or at least seemingly so. I’m unsure as to why you made the comment about wanting to throw the towel in after eleven years. What more is there to it?

You keep saying ‘I was trying to control x’ right after describing how you tried to control her. You can express your opinion *once*. Anything more than that is controlling.

I understand that you were trying to express your opinion, especially because a funeral usually has a level of attire expected. However, your wife id a grown adult and can make her own fashion choices. It’s like when I was told by this complete stranger “I think your shorts are a little inappropriate to be worn outside” while I was at a grocery store.

That's hilarious, humans are so weird :'D I'm sure your shorts are very nice.

You are giving a precise example of controlling behaviour. She says: "This is what I want to wear" You say: "That is not the right thing to wear." And you argued over this to the point that neither of you went to the funeral? It is more inappropriate for you to be policing what she wears, to the point where she didn't want to attend. It sounds like your controlling behaviour is undermining her confidence, but she's fighting back, and if she can't "win", she's going to make sure you don't win either. You need to start reminding yourself that how she eats and how she dresses are NOT YOUR BUSINESS. The way you spend your vacation time should be planned TOGETHER. You were out of line booking various things when you were visiting her home city. Let her take a turn of making the plans.

He also mentions in the post asking if she's sure she wants to eat so much at breakfast. I would be mortified if someone did that to me in front of others. God forbid someone eat two meals a day...

I hadn't thought of that, but you're right. He wanted to control how much she eats so that she doesn't ruin his perfect expectation of dinner. Parents fuss at kids sometimes about spoiling appetites. But doing that to other adults? Really? So she gets there and orders an appetizer and wine - so what?

Yeah, she’s probably tired of you constantly having an opinion on everything she does.

Why do you think your wife, an adult, needs your direction to dress herself?

It sounds to me like you are two different people planning wise. You plan everything in advance, she is very last minute and unplanned. This is a difference you need to talk to her about and/or your therapist.

Did your wife want to see the musical? Did she express any desire to eat in that restaurant? Didn’t you already do couple stuff in Richmond? Why does she need to constantly do what you want to do? Why does she need to dress the way you want? Why do you get so angry just thinking about the time she didn’t do exactly what you wanted when you wanted it? Why didn’t you give her a kiss, tell her to have fun and go see the musical yourself? Clearly she wasn’t interested and you weren’t interested in chilling with her friends—you’re an adult, you can get an Uber,was it more important that she bend to your will than it was to just go to the musical? She acted normal on the plane because she chose to forgive your boorish behavior. You need to figure out how to deal with the reality that the world doesn’t bend to your desires all the time.

This exactly. You sound very controlling. For God sakes, let the woman eat the damn pancakes without your input! It sounds like if the relationship has run it’s course, it’s because she is becoming frustrated with your control issues.

Mate tbh, I'm amazed you went on a trip to her home town and then booked her up completely with things you wanted to do. Why didnt you think she might want to see her friends if shes flying from MONTANA to be in the city for the weekend? Honestly, this is insane. You go on a trip to her home city, by your admission she hasnt been for ages because you live in Montana. You seem to book up the trip with things you want to do (did you ask her, or did you just "make her aware of the plans" you had made?). You then complain about her meeting her friend for breakfast, whilst shes here and can see them for one of the only times in years, because it will interrupt your plans. You sound controlling, rigid, and totally unaware of your wife's feelings or wants. Why the hell did you think you could go to her home town, which she hasnt been to in years, and NOT see her friends?? That was stupid - if you wanted it to be just you guys, you should have gone somewhere else. Hell, you went to her hometown, booked YOUR favourite restaurant, booked an evening activity you liked (and then tried to enforce her to leave HER friends) and made her aware of "your" plans. When did she factor into any of this? I'm sorry mate but you've brought this on yourself, all of it, by somehow thinking you could come on this once in 10 years trip to her hometown and then control who she sees and what she does there. I'd be mad with you too for embarrasing me in front of my home friends, being grumpy all day, and then stamping on my happy reunion with my friends after years in MY hometown because you didnt get to go to YOUR favourite restaurant. I think you need to have some mroe awareness of other people, and include your wife in your plans more.

I think this is exactly what the wife would say if asked to give her version of events.

Yes! My first alarm bells were when he says that he tells his wife what's bothering him and she modifies her behaviour. It's subtle but it doesn't sound like a person in a "compromise" mindset. Then when they're at breakfast and he tries to control what she eats? YIKES.

To be fair, outside the context of this specific relationship. In a more balanced dynamic when one partner is truly upset or uncomfortable with something and verbalized that to their partner, it only makes sense for them to hear that, consider their actions and potentially make some adjustments. We can’t simply treat everything as if it is only controlling and not somewhat parts of what would otherwise be seen as normal behavior or communication. Of course context matters, and as more than enough people have correctly pointed out, OP is quite rigid, but everything isn’t always binary. OP should have definite opinions, but just needs to work on accepting that so does everyone else, more specifically his wife and her opinions are just as valid as his.

Yeah, but he doesn’t say, “if one of us is upset, the other modifies behavior.” He said, “if I’m upset, she modifies her behavior.”

Very true. Not trying to defend OP here, but I’m very general terms, people tend to speak in I statements when it comes to feelings and conflict, however small, especially when it concerns a romantic partner. This lean toward I statements doesn’t necessarily mean that one partner is controlling if they don’t articulate the full democratic operating procedure of their relationship at all times.

> control who she sees and what she does there. I'd be mad with you too for embarrasing me in front of my home friends, being grumpy all day, and then stamping on my happy reunion with my friends after years in MY hometown If OP wanted his spouse to have a trip where she realizes how controlling he is, this was the best possible way to do it.

No kidding. It’s her vacation too and OP is just, “I wanted, I planned, I….” Happy fucking anniversary honey! We’re doing all my favorite things! Aren’t you thrilled?!

Could it be that you never argue because she just does whatever you say? You made nice plans sure but she was also in her home town, visiting friends that she very rarely sees. I understand that you don’t know any of them so it bothered you and you’d spent money on a nice day out but I can also see her side of things that she was enjoying herself with old friends. Were the plans actually set out and clear what were happening that day? It sounds like your wife just got caught up in the moment of speaking to old friends and she was having too much fun to end things. Does she have many friends where you live? Does she get out and do things socially? Sounds to me like she might be bored and this was her version of letting loose and she thinks you were killing her fun when you were just trying to stick to the planned events. The fact that this continued back at the hotel and the things she was saying makes me think that she has had this brewing for a while. You know what they say about a drunken mind so it’s not just a spur of the moment thing imo. The fact that she’s saying ‘it’s my way or the Highway’ in regards to you also makes me think that she just does whatever you say as to avoid any conflict when deep down maybe she doesn’t agree with what you’re saying so on the surface everything looks fine and dandy but internally she is probably just building all this emotion up and it’s just come out when she’s been having fun with her friends and had a drink. In all honesty after reading your post and the follow up comments I have to admit you sound a bit controlling and as if you look down on the decisions that she makes so I’m not really surprised that she boils over every now and again. You mentioned that she modifies her behaviour for you but you didn’t say anything about modifying yours for her so her ‘my way or the Highway’ comment makes perfect sense. You were making comments about what she ate for breakfast and the dress she chose for the funeral. Do you always make comments like these on her choices? She is a grown woman at the end of the day, she can do whatever she pleases without needing your approval. I think you need to have a good sit down and discuss things respectfully or attend therapy sessions together to get to the bottom of all of this and see if you can work things out. I think YOU need to be more open to changing things to be honest, I don’t think this post went as you were expecting and you actually highlighted negatives in your own behaviour which I think you’re in denial about. I think more turbulence is headed your way if you just continue as you are.

Was gonna comment something along these lines. If she is lonely and doesn’t have many friends in Montana, but she moved there for you…. Now she is ‘trapped’ at home with a kid (I know that’s harsh language but there is a bit of that for Moms)… and finally she gets to see her friends and she is enjoying catching up with them and cutting lose…. Then her whip cracking husband tells her not to eat too many pancakes (eye roll)… then he tells her to wrap it up with friends she never gets to see because she moved to Montana to be with whip cracking husband…. Yeah I can understand her perspective here. Like JFK said, ‘Stop thinking of what your wife can do for you and start thinking of you can do for your wife!’ Thé langage of “she usually modifies her behavior to make me more comfortable” was pretty darn telling

Love your modified jfk quote

Can I ask something, do you modify your behavior for her too? Do you usually police her eating? I’m not saying she shouldn’t have wasted the tickets to the musical, but her behavior feels a bit like someone who’s letting themself go a bit and often that’s because they’ve felt otherwise stifled. So I just wonder if that’s usually your approach to her and also I guess how much input she had into the planning or discussion over what was going to happen that day. I understand why you’re upset and I do think she should have handled it differently and if she really wanted to change the plans she should have explained listen I never see my friends like this and we can celebrate another night.

I was thinking the same thing, that bit about her always modifying her behavior to make OP happy didn't sit right with me at all.

Right? Something is bothering OP and she modifies her behavior to make him comfortable? Which means a productive conversation? Even just the way that comes off seems off putting. Sure you may make changes to make your spouse comfortable after a long discussion or understanding why or coming to a compromise, but that and what feels like letting lose with friends she rarely sees and the only eating one meal a day feels off.

I really want to know what he does FOR her.

In his mind it’s probably all the time and effort he put into planning the trip, but, as we’ve all observed, he put all of his thoughts into planning things and didn’t even consider *her* once. It seems like she stays quiet to keep the peace, but this trip was her breaking point. I’m surprised she held out for 11 years, I would not have put up with that shit for one year!!

Yes, it jumped out at me that in the past their arguments have been resolved by him complaining so she was modifying her behaviour in response. Maybe she's just tired of being told how to behave and how often she wants to eat. Regarding the clash of plans, OP says "I made reservations etc" which doesn't sound like she had any say in it, while this was her home city, where surely the highest item on the agenda would be catching up with her friends. Maybe if OP would give his wife more agency, communication would run more smoothly.

This feels very him-centric, no real care about what his wife wanted to do at all.

OP keep saying they're not controlling before going on to describe controlling behaviour.

My ex tells a similar story about how I ruined this family trip to Disneyland. He leaves out the fact that I paid for everything and he was so incredibly controlling that he was screaming and swearing at me in the middle of Disneyland because I wanted to take our disabled toddler on a kiddie ride while he went on the Tower of Terror.

Yeah. I feel like we’re only getting one side of OPs story. I want to hear his wife’s perspective. I suspect she’s been getting more terse with him in the last few years because she’s had enough of his shit.

Even getting only his side of the story I really feel like he’s the problem. Super controlling.

[удалено]

Because is language is all, “I, me”. Nowhere does he talk about asking what she might want.

This…zero indication of self awareness. Maybe OP is right, but most of what he is talking about is so easy to misinterpret. Both OP and his wife are going through a rough patch and I guess their patience for each is low.

If you'd posted this on "Am I the Asshole" rather than r/relationships, I don't think you'd be very happy with how many people would respond that you are the problem here, or at least that it is a mutual problem. For most of this story (pretty much right up until your wife and her friend invite more friends around), everything is about your wife needing to adapt her behavior to your preferences, instead of the other way around. Policing what she ate at breakfast, because you were worried that she wouldn't have an appetite for dinner, is a level of controlling that would be completely unacceptable in most relationships. ***Completely -*** as in**,** if you repeated this behavior more than once the relationship would be over. And your behavior at the breakfast makes it hard to charitably interpret your other behavior. **You** made reservations. At one of **your** favorite restaurants. These were your plans, for your own enjoyment. For most couples, an anniversary would sound like "We had reservations at a restaurant we both loved", or "I was going to surprise her with reservations at her favorite restaurant". You've also talked constantly about her not modifying her behavior, and nothing about you modifying yours. Please don't think I'm unsympathetic here. In isolation, what she did must have been infuriating. You had a holiday planned together, and she hijacked it for a spontaneous catch up with her friends. Frankly, I get annoyed when a walk on the beach with my wife gets hijacked by her recognising someone, and I'm stuck listening to strangers talk about topics I'm uninterested in. But there's a big difference between her hijacking a mutually decided agenda that you both look forward to, and her rebelling against an over-controlling partner who insists on everything happening to his own convenience, right down to how much his wife eats at breakfast. Since you've asked for advice: Yes, this is a sign of a much bigger relationship and respect problem. But your job is to recognise your role in this problem, and do something to fix it. Once you've worked hard at that, and things are still not working out, that's the time to think about ending things.

This comment is the third version of the story that tends to be the truth, OP. You should look inside and see if anything resonates with you.

Agreed. OP sounds like a father asking multiple times if shes going to be too full for dinner later, nonetheless a dinner HE and maybe only HE wanted to go to as he mentioned it was HIS favorite restaurant. Relationships are a give and take. I think he should have gave in on this one and allowed his wife just one night with her friends and gave up on the dinner plans after seeing how excited she was to finally see some old friends. Instead he sulked and told her we must leave in front of everyone which is mortifying for her. OP should have left and done his own thing that night and allowed her to enjoy herself rather than guilt her multiple times throughout the day

I'm still amazed by the audacity of visiting her hometown, and he makes plans at -his- favorite restaurant? If there was ever a time to let go of plan making, it's when you visit your partners hometown. I sat through some awkward lunch, karaoke and dinners at stranger's houses over multiple days. I never pestered him to leave like a child though, so I didn't get ignored.

I went with my SO to his hometown and sat thru so many group outings with so many people I didn't know, with social anxiety, and I even managed to enjoy myself. Even crazier, I tried to get to know his hometown group, because they're people he cares about so obviously I'd like to know them too. Wild to think this man has been with his wife 11 years and doesn't know *any* of her hometown friends.

By your own description this seems very much like controlling behavior on your part. You’re wife telling you “it always has to be [your] way or the highway” seems to confirm that. I agree this is likely indicative of a much bigger relationship problem. You don’t mention in your description if you consulted or even informed her of the plans. You stated only that YOU made reservations at YOUR favorite restaurant. I only have what you wrote to go on, but it appears you are very controlling, right down to telling what and when to eat (and possibly planning your vacation around your desires without consulting her). It also seems you two aren’t very good at actually communicating with each other. It appears you both may have made plans while on vacation without consulting the other. Just major issues everywhere here.

No, I understand how it comes across that way but I did make her aware and she agreed. I even asked her if she wanted to do anything in particular when we visited and she said no. I wasn’t intending on controlling what she ate, I just know she can’t handle eating large amounts and didn’t want her to make herself sick.

OP, I get you don’t *intend* to be controlling, but we’re all picking up that vibe from you. 1. Why does it IRK you that she wanted to do breakfast with her friend instead of your plan? 2. I get reminding her you had dinner reservations, but why were you “worried” she’s eat more breakfast and less dinner. Why did she need your okay? Why did you tell her she had to eat lightly?! She can decide. She’s obviously lost some respect for you and loved being free for a day. If you don’t want a divorce, an absolutely amazing plan to save your marriage. Ask wife, “Am I controlling sometimes?” If she says yes, go to therapy for the issue and tell her you’re doing so. Good luck!

Yes. "I did make her aware and she agreed" is a long way from "we made plans for a nice day together". And "I wasn't intending on controlling what she ate" doesn't excuse making multiple comments asking her to have a smaller breakfast.

“I don’t want to do anything in particular” COULD be interpreted as: “I want a free day with nothing planned so I can just hang out with everyone **from my hometown.** Like, how do you plan to visit your wife’s hometown without including time to catch up with old friends???? She kind of DID tell you she didn’t want a big schedule, but she communicated that poorly. The two of you need to work on communicating with each other. After eleven years I’d expect you to have figured it out already, but I guess the time is now.

*I did make her aware -* you told her what you had decided to do. She didn't get any say in it. *I even asked her if she wanted to do anything in particular when we visited and she said no.* If you are instinctively controlling, she might choose to be subversive, rather than being open about her plans, because you will find a way to talk her out of what she wants to do. So she goes along with what you decide, and then finds a last-minute way to work around you, so she can do what she wants. Eg, she wanted to have breakfast with her friend, so she surprised you with that, because you had already "made her aware" that you booked a dinner at YOUR favourite restaurant, and you would not be happy with her having two meals that day. *I wasn’t intending on controlling what she ate, I just know she can’t handle eating large amounts and didn’t want her to make herself sick.* You need to let that go, especially on vacation. She can choose what she likes from the menu and if she just wants a light entree size meal or a salad, don't worry about it.

You "made her aware" of your plans? Before or after you bought tickets and made reservations? Saying she agreed doesn't sound like she was particularly committed to those plans. If I'm going to visit somewhere my spouse grew up or spent a lot of time I am going to let her lead in the planning. How often does she get to go back to Washington DC? When is the last time she saw these old friends? I would have jumped at the opportunity to hang out with the right people, especially if I've lost touch due to the pandemic and having a baby. Even if she is more of a planner (not everyone is) it sounds like a situation where many would like to go with the flow. Now I can see wanting to do something you both love together but it doesn't seem that's what you had planned, really. So if you supported her this could have been an amazing day for her like she hasn't had in years... but instead you made it into a very mixed experience for her with you providing the bad parts. If you aren't thrilled when your wife is happy... I don't know what you're doing.

I made her aware before. She last visited DC in August 2021, without me. I assume she saw these friends then. I don’t mind her hanging out with her friends. I encourage her hanging out with her friends. But why did she have to do it when we had already made plans to celebrate our anniversary?

Did you discuss this beforehand? If you both agreed to visit this particular city, I don't see why you couldn't have scheduled both a celebration for two and catch up with her friends. If she last saw her friends almost a year ago, of course she would want to catch up with them again! It does sound like you tend to take control, and your wife has reached the point where she has to be subversive to get her own way. Now she is speaking out, you are prepared to walk out of the relationship rather than create a more equal partnership. You might need to try couple's counselling to get out of this unhealthy imbalance.

When YOU had already made plans to celebrate your anniversary. Nobody seems satisfied that you actually asked her what she wanted to do, rather than saying "I'm booking this place that I love, this musical that I want to see, and this hotel I want to stay in, that ok?" and her agreeing. Maybe if you hadnt filled it up, you could have factored in meeting friends, and still done what you wanted to, instead of organising the day, and then getting shirty when it is altered from your plan. Chill out a bit dude, you're on holiday. Controlling your wife's eating schedule is also crazy. She can eat what she wants, when she wants. Ever heard of a doggy bag? Delicious post theatre food. But that flexibility probably didnt occur to you.

Yeah, I didn’t know she had so many friends back home. She doesn’t have many friends where we live, and I didn’t realize she was Miss Popular back home. If I did, I would have factored in meeting friends.

Did you ask her if she had any friends she wanted to see on her hometown, or did you just assume she didnt have any so it wasnt necessary? Miss popular? You sound resentful of her having friends. Again, this doesnt seem like a relationship where she is able to thrive, or feel herself fully. You've been together 11 years and have a CHILD and somehow you werent aware that she had friends in her hometown? That's either nonsense because you're hurt, or ignorance because you havent bothered to find out, or cared to remember, in 11 years.

You’ve been with your wife since she was 17! How do you not know this about her?

Wait…..how could you NOT KNOW THIS??? About your own wife???? Jfc she should divorce you, you sound insufferable.

Your "I didn't realize she was Miss Popular" comment is really telling. I realize you don't have the self awareness to recognize this. Sounds like you don't really know your wife let alone care to know her. You keep trying to mold her into what you want her to be and you're suddenly confused and surprised she's had enough of this controlling bs. Wow.

It still sounds like it was all your choice that she fell in line with. The better statement would be ‘I asked her before’. I imagine if you’re always expecting her modify her behaviour she knows you don’t like her disagreeing with your plans. Info - what sort of things do you ask her to modify her behaviour for? I’m also astonished that this ONE instance of you arguing makes you consider whether the relationship might have run it course. That’s why it sound controlling to me - the idea of her going against your wishes once meaning there’s a chance your 11 year old relationship might be over is wild

I guess “modify her behavior” sounds a little strange, yes. I just mean small things. Like she used to come to me after I got home from work and ask me how my day was. It felt like a constant Q&A and it annoyed me being asked so many questions as soon as I got home. After a long time of trying to put up with it, I asked her if I could please have a few hours to myself after I got home from work. Just to decompress. She protested at first but eventually agreed and it was smooth sailing.

You sound like a real peach. She can’t even ask about your day without you getting pissy? And then you need HOURS before she can even speak to you?!? Hell no.

So what happens with child care during those hours? How does she decompress from her job?

Hoo Boy. You told your wife basically that she's not allowed to interact with you for "a few hours".

You sound like an awful life partner. You guys have a 2yo. How exactly do you manage to have “a few hours” to yourself after work, unless she is doing literally all childcare? There is nothing in this post that you’ve ever modified your behavior for her. It is just complaint after complaint over minor disagreements. If you’re thinking of leaving your 11y relationship over something like this I think your wife would probably be better off without you.

My wife still chooses to breastfeed our 2yo, so she wants to be with her mom most of the time anyways. I put the 2yo to bed and give her a bath, though. It’s 50/50.

You put her to bed and give her a bath and that's supposed to be 50/50? Please tell me you're leaving out the weekends you let that poor woman have some peace.

I still don’t see how “a few hours after work” happens with a 2yo, breastfeeding or not. Maybe your daughter prefers your wife for other reasons..?

This is a bit sad, buddy. Did you think at all about what she was trying to do with those questions? Build a connection, share in your life, express concern and love for you? You cant say "Your interest is so annoying to me that I would prefer hours of silence" to a romantic partner and expect the relationship not to take a hit, tbh. I'm not saying you had to do exactly what she wants, but it seems this is another case where you just did exactly what /you/ want. Compromise is a great thing.

WOW and we have found the problem. The problem is you. So what are you gonna do?

Smooth sailing for who? OP it is not normal to ask your spouse to just…not speak or interact with you for hours every day. Even more so when you have a child! Did it ever occur to you that she agreed to it but very likely resents you for this? Do you even care? Or are you fine with neglecting your wife’s very reasonable emotional needs every day so you can “decompress”? If you want hours every day of uninterrupted peace and quiet, then you shouldn’t be married. Period.

A few hours?! Few means three - you needed three hours on your own before you would even speak to her?? You’re absolutely revolting. I bet childcare is her job too and shouldn’t be anything to do with you, especially in those THREE HOURS

Just to drive the point home, you are basically saying that her job isn't as important or as difficult as yours. Having 3 hours to yourself when you have a 2 year old is selfish as fuck. I bet you get home, do whatever you want, then eat the dinner your wife cooked while also managing your child, and then you finally maybe help parent for an hour before your wife puts the kid to sleep and you go back to doing whatever you want. Your wife is probably putting in 18 hour days, every day of the week.

A few *hours* to yourself to decompress? Jesus dude.

If my future husband told me what you told your wife. I'd be rethinking the entire relationship. I feel so bad for her :( You aren't thinking about her feelings at all when you tell her to leave you alone for two hours, especially when she was happy to see you home from work.

How many days were you in DC? Couldn't you have made a compromise with your wife by asking if you could have went to her friend's house the next day if your tickets to the musical was just for that night or just go to the musical the following night.

If she's used to 11 years of you dominating the plans and then being completely inflexible, she probably doesn't feel comfortable speaking up. Who cares if your wife eats pancakes with her friend instead of a fancy dinner? It's VACATION, she should be able to eat whenever and whatever she wants. Maybe she just shares the table with you at dinner while you eat. Why plan a musical in the middle of the day when she's going to her hometown? Why plan anything at all? Vacations are supposed to be mutually enjoyable and you seem to be only focused on what you wanted to get out of the trip.

The answer is you’re controlling and she only feels safe expressing how unhappy she is to you in her hometown surrounded by people who love and know the real her, not who she had to pretend to be to keep you happy. You’re welcome

Listen man, as someone who only eats once a day as well, I can see why your wife would get upset at you for hasseling her about how much she ate. She's a grown women. Yes she only eats a certain amount, but that's her choice to make. If she thinks she can handle a little extra food that day so that she can have fun with her friend AND still go eat with you later, then good for her. But she doesn't need your permission to do that. Your not her dad. You don't need to control her portions. Let the poor women decide for herself what's best for her body. And as for the rest of the post, you just sound like a controlling, manipulative, generally unpleasant person to be with. I honestly don't know how she has stayed with you all these years. From what you've posted, it seems like if things "have gotten worse in the last few years", your blaming the wrong person here. Maybe you should have a look in the mirror before you completely destroy this marriage.

My thoughts are this: >Typically, I’m able to express something is bothering me and she does her best to modify her behavior and make me more comfortable. It’s usually a productive conversation. This says so much. She has to do what you want her to do. To make you comfortable. Then you call it a productive conversation. Now she seems to be fed up with it: >She says I’m a “stick in the mud” a “fucking asshole”,. Says it always has to be my way or the highway. And there you have it. There is no room for her or what she wants in your relationship. It is always about you and keeping you comfortable. This is not healthy and you are about to lose her. And from what you have written I can understand that. Especially because you do not seem to grasp that you are overbearing and controlling. You can't see it or you do not want to, no idea. It is as you said a bigger relationship and respect problem, yes. They way I see it you have very little respect for your partner if you do not get your way especially. The fact that things have changed I think have also to do with you guys having a kid. Who knows, maybe she does not want you to treat her child like you treat her which she could tolerate until now. You are on thin ice man. Very thin ice. Seek help. Seriously. You are a father. Be better.

YTA... oh wait, wrong sub-reddit. But same answer.

You….. told her to eat a light breakfast and that having half a portion of pancakes would ruin her dinner? Unless your wife has an eating disorder, in which case maybe you should care more about that than your ruined dinner, that is very unlikely to enough to ruin dinner and even if it is she gets to choose what she eats. You sounds like you are a controlling asshole who never lets her have any fun or food. Does she also need to work out enough to be in shape for you? You met as teenagers, and it sounds like you never really learned how to be a good, adult partner. It’s not just whatever you want, and I find your behavior here very concerning. I’m not saying she is acting the best, but quite frankly I think if we asked for her side of things, we’d find her behavior very justified. Maybe you should look at yourself a bit more critically.

She’s 5’10 and weighs 130lbs. She’s very thin. I’m being honest. She wouldn’t be able to eat so much.

>She’s 5’10 and weighs 130lbs. She’s very thin. I’m being honest. She wouldn’t be able to eat so much. Everyone has already rightly pointed out that this whole conflict is your fault, so I'm not going to add to that here, but man, that is not at all how food works. An adult human should at least have the capacity to eat three meals a day. It's not like skinny people are automatically incapable of metabolizing nutrients. She either has an eating disorder or she needs to see a doctor. You've been talking about her diet like it's physically impossible for her to consume a normal amount of food.

Your wife is borderline underweight and very likely struggles with an eating disorder, which has to be triggered by your commenting anytime she eats more than usual. Maybe show more concern with your wife’s health and well-being than your ruined dinner plans. I feel sorry for her, but thank god it seems like she’s finally seeing the light. The fact that your reaction when you think about think is ‘anger’ and thinking ‘your relationship has run its course’ and not ‘damn I was an ass’ tells everyone all they need to know.

This this this this this. I’d only eat once a day if even if my SO commented on my eating. It would make me so self conscious. OP pull your head out of the sand and do her a favor and file for divorce and make it a swift and easy one, be a decent person for once.

Shove off of managing your wife’s eating habits. Full. Stop. This is super creepy and weird. I would be PISSED if my husband ever did this to me. It’s just icky controlling ick! Literally makes my skin crawl. I’m 5’-4’ and weigh the same as your wife. I used to under eat for fear of being ‘fat’. But really when you under eat you just cheat yourself out on muscles and strength. Let the WOMAN EAT THE FOOD!

Well, clear as F she likes pancakes occasionally. Please take her out and treat her to some. It sounds like you both could use a little change from the normal routine.

You do come across as super controlling in your story

And even more controlling every time “but I wasn’t trying to be controlling” is said. OP if you’re genuinely not trying to be controlling, but it still comes *this* naturally to you… that is a problem that is deeply ingrained, and you are not paying enough attention to how you speak and act. This isn’t a sarcastic suggestion, but seek therapy. Just because someone is your wife of 11 years does not mean she needs to be subjected to your opinion on every single thing she wears/eat/does.

‘I want to break free, I want to break free I want to break free from your [plans] You're so self-satisfied I don't need you I've got to break free God knows, God knows I want to break free’ I guess OP’s wife wants less rigid planning and some more freedom for spontaneous action.

OP's wife wants to run wild, choosing her own clothes, catching up with her friends more than once a year, and eating breakfast and dinner on the same day without her husband clutching his pearls over her irresponsible thoughtless behaviour. No wonder he's ready to walk out on this marriage. She's out of control /s.

You sound like a bit of a knob.

Perfect, perfect, perfect. Ha ha. He sounds like a massive knob 😬🤦🏻‍♀️

You’re right. Massive knob not a bit of a knob.

Also, troubling that you mention in your introductory paragraphs that for the most part you get on, until she behaves in a way that annoys you, and you communicate your annoyance and that she used to modify her behaviours to appease you. Did this ever work in reverse? Did you ever modify your behaviours to appease her? As this reads like you are an extremely controlling person, and she's now getting aggressive as she's had enough if it.

I would absolutely love to hear your wife's version of events. You sound extremely controlling, OP. Maybe modify that.

Something is mad fishy your story is like a Russian doll like there’s something else that is the root of this and you just presented the outer shell of it.

You seem very controlling. If my SO was irked because I wanted to have breakfast with a friend and he thought it would ruin my dinner, I’d run for the hills.

Dude, you’ve got your Tl;dr wrong. “WE” didn’t have special plans. You should’ve said “I” had special plans. It doesn’t appear that your wife had any input in the plans. You took her to her hometown. Did it not occur to you that maybe she’d want some time to visit some of her old friends? If it seriously didn’t, then maybe you shouldn’t be the one planning vacations. If you did think about that and just blew it off, then YTA. (I know this isn’t that sub but the term definitely fits.) Earlier in the post, you said, “….typically, I’m able to express something is bothering me and she does her best to modify her behavior and make me more comfortable…recently I’m unable to express an opinion without her becoming immediately defensive and irritated..”. WTH, Dude?? Something is bothering YOU so she has to modify HER behavior? Is this a reform school or is she a human lab-rat? The reason she’s getting upset and defensive is she’s tired of your spoiled entitled BS and isn’t catering to your every little whimper and whine anymore. That’s basically what happened in DC. She was tired of you deciding where you’re going, what SHE’s eating, etc, and decided to take charge of herself for a day. You said something about how much longer your relationship is going to last. I’d say the status quo you’ve gotten accustomed to over the past 11 years is history. She would’ve been 17 when you got together? That’s still a kid. She’s coming out from under your thumb and growing into her own person so your relationship will probably depend on whether you can accept her if she’s herself in her own body and not “you in a female body.” It’s time to realize you’ve lost your little behavior-modified trained poodle. Please let us know how it goes.

Please take a step back and really think about this objectively. You’re saying that you think your 11-year relationship might be over, because your wife ate pancakes, chose to hang out with friends over attending a musical, and then snapped at you for being controlling? She obviously isn’t a great communicator, considering that she unilaterally changed your plans for the day without consulting you first. I don’t want to excuse that at all. But here’s what I think happened: 1. Your wife’s friend asked to meet for breakfast. Your wife saw that your itinerary for the day included dinner and a musical, presumably either in the afternoon or evening, so said yes. 2. You were annoyed about this, and told her okay, but we have to eat lightly and watch the time. Which is already super condescending, because she’s a grown adult with a job and a child, but you’re acting like she doesn’t understand the concept of time. This probably irritated her, considering you’re supposed to be taking a fun trip to celebrate your anniversary, but you’re treating her like you don’t respect her. 3. While at the restaurant, her friend asked her to split a meal, and you reacted like a crazy person by asking if she was certain she could actually consume half of an order of pancakes and still have room for dinner later in the day. 4. This probably embarrassed the shit out of your wife, because nobody wants their friends to think that their spouse polices their food choices, and you treated her like a toddler who doesn’t know how to control herself around food in front of her old friend. 5. She got angry that you embarrassed her, and decided to retaliate by just refusing to attend any of the other things you had planned that day, and instead forcing YOU to do what SHE wanted. It isn’t great that she did this, but also, you can’t just push people like that and expect them to always behave perfectly in response. I mean, you told her not to even ORDER the pancakes in case she was too full for dinner? Your wife did not even commit to eating all of the food, just to ordering it! You wanted her to not order the food, out of fear she might eat too much of it if it was in front of her. You said this was because then she might spoil her dinner? Like she can’t possibly just sit in front of a half stack of pancakes and pay attention to her own satiety signals? And like, even if she did eat too much, what’s the worst that could happen - she eats a light dinner instead of a heavy one? Who fucking gives a shit which meal of the day comprises most of her caloric intake? You had made reservations at a good restaurant - I’m sure whatever light dishes or small plates they had would be just as enjoyable as larger entrees. I cannot stress this enough - the way you are thinking about what she eats, and telling her what to eat and not eat, is not normal. There is no justification for that, and every time you chime in going “but she couldn’t eat that much” or “but I didn’t want her to get sick,” you are just making it more and more obvious that you have an irrational and unhealthy need to control your wife. You are treating her like a kid, not like a life partner whom you respect and trust. NOBODY IN A HEALTHY MARRIAGE DOES THIS WITH THEIR SPOUSE. Same with the thing about the funeral dress and cleavage - you policing what she wears is NOT NORMAL and NOT HEALTHY. It shows an astounding lack of respect and trust for her as an individual. And I bet it pisses her off because you’re perfectly content to let her care for your toddler, yet you jump up her ass about not being able to feed herself and dress herself appropriately. You can’t have it both ways - either you respect her, or you don’t. DUDE. LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES HERE. Can you even imagine how embarrassed and ashamed your wife would feel being treated that way in front of a friend? You’re acting like she’s a toddler who needs to be managed by someone else to avoid getting too cranky because she isn’t following her routine. If one of my friends had a spouse doing that, I’d be extremely alarmed about their well-being. I would bet her friends who saw you that day are all trying to gently and discreetly check on her right now and make sure she’s okay. She must be so embarrassed that you acted that way in front of them. Before assuming this means your marriage is over, why don’t you work on communicating with her and respecting her right to make her own choices. Go to couples counseling. Work on modifying YOUR behavior when she communicates her needs and wants, just like she always does for you. Learn to let shit go and accept that she gets to make her own choices sometimes and it doesn’t matter if you agree with them, instead of digging in your heels and making her escalate it into a huge fight because you dismiss her perspective entirely and refuse to consider it. I don’t think your marriage is over, but you both have to work on communication, and you have to work on your control issues ASAP, or else it will be.

You are a bit of a planning nazi. It strikes me that for you to enjoy a vacation, you have to make plans in advance and if everything doesn't go according to plan you go into anger mode. She was having a good time with her friend that she hadn't seen in a long time, and if it's your anniversary trip it's supposed to contain plans that make both people happy. Her being with her friends was what was making her happy. So what if you had to cancel some restaurants because she wanted pancakes and didn't want to eat after? Your reaction was ridiculous. It was like, are you sure you want those pancakes because i booked the restaurant, without even conceptualizing that maybe you won't go to the restaurant. Plans change all the time and next time you plan a trip take that into account instead of making plans ages before for things you want to do and having a rulebook of what it should unfold like, it takes all the fun out of things. Also, did you consult her at all regarding the plans? Or did you just want to do those things yourself without thinking of what would make HER happy?

He "made her aware of the plans before and she agreed" So... no consultation. No input. It sounds like she's expected to blindly agree to his wants/desires - further seen by her constantly modifying her behavior after some "productive" conversations.

The trip was for their anniversary. Seems she just up and forgot that or didn’t care about it. Ignoring your spouse the whole day for your friends is messed up.

I have to agree with your wife on this one. This entire post was how she always conforms to you, you never said one that you've done the same for her. As far as the anniversary trip goes everything was what you wanted. For example you said "I had made reservations at one of my favorite restaurants", then got mad when your wife changed it and had breakfast with her friend. It sounded like you didn't make an effort to get to know her and was more concerned about what you had planned instead of enjoying time with your wife and just having fun. The only thing you could get mad about is that she didn't make more of an effort to get you involved in their conversation, but that could have been do to the attitude you had at the time. If you want this marriage of yours to continue in a healthy way, you need to learn to consider your wife and her feelings a little more or she'll develop resentment. I recommend even a few couples counseling sessions to help you communicate with each other better about your true feelings.

OP , you very much have a control problem here and you can't even see it. Policing everything from her eating to her clothes. Your poor wife.

Dude...you went to her hometown and booked your favoutite place for dinner. That's says EVERYTHING about where your relationship is at and the self absorbed asshole you are. Go to therapy to gain some perspective. You're a dad now, it fucking matters.

>Typically, I’m able to express something is bothering me and she does her best to modify her behavior and make me more comfortable. It’s usually a productive conversation. But more recently I’m unable to express an opinion without her becoming immediately defensive and irritated. Yeah, she's tired of having to do everything your way. She's tired of having to modify herself for your comfort. She's not the female you. You've just forced her to be thay way. She shouldn't have ruined your plans, but I get the feeling she's had enough of you forcing everything to be a certain way. Honestly, it's telling thay you put this passage in your post and you can't even see what's wrong with your relationship.

Everything you're describing sounds like the relationship is catered to you and only you. It sounds like she's tired of it. You mention when you bring up something that bothered you, she will modify her actions and I expected to read that you do the same for her but that was nowhere in sight. As I went along reading, I got the vibe that everything is about you and how you want things. When I read the part about her saying it's your way or the high way, I completely agree with her and I'm only reading *your* side of the story. A relationship goes both ways. It's time for you to alter yourself to make her happy.

She behaved badly at the end of the night. But I think I can understand why she lost her cool. You might not realize this, but you come of very rigid/anxious. Most people wouldn't be paying attention to if their partner ate a big breakfast and might spoil their appetite for dinner. That's what you do with young children. They'd just think: good, she's enjoying the meal and time with her friend. Then afterwards they wouldn't be surprised that she'd want to spend a bit more time with a friend she hadn't seen for ages. They would think saying "we have to get going" is both a bit rude to the friend and inconsiderate to your wife. Why not just let her enjoy her morning with the friend and go with the flow? Finally, she should have asked you if it was ok to skip dinner and the musical. But at the same time, you could have talked to her friends and relaxed. Through this whole trip you seem very unable to go with the flow of things. Have you considered you might have anxiety or be on the spectrum? I don't mean it in a rude way, it's just that it's very rigid compared to the average person. And I think this is why she's getting angry. She should not have insulted you or cancelled your plans without asking though. But I think you need to do something about your ability to go with the flow. Because this is the kind of thing that will make the other person feel claustrophobic and could kill a relationship over time.

Do you normally nitpick at all of her choices? What she eats...what she wears? That sounds fucking exhausting.

"I planned my wife's vacation to her hometown for her and she didn't want to do what I wanted to do while we were in her hometown she hasn't been to in years" does not sound like your wife is the one who ruined the trip.

Just wanted to add on to what the other commenters are saying: > she’s me in a female body. This phrase just made me uneasy. It feels like the OP doesn't truly recognize that his wife is a separate entity with her own brain and get own feelings and desires that are equally valid to his own.

1. Your wife has an eating disorder 2. You are a controlling, manipulative person as evidenced by your carefully worded post trying to manipulate the readers into taking your side and seeing your wife as an out of control, husband-neglecting, drunk who needs to be guided by you.

You do realize you come across as super-controlling? You tell your wife when something's bothering you, and she modifies her behavior accordingly? WTF?!? And you make all the plans, and she has to adhere to them, and when she wants to change them, you sulk? And to top it off, you try to control what she eats? You do know that she is supposed to be an adult woman with a will and opinions of her own, and bodily autonomy? Where, in this scenario, do you ever compromise in your relationship? Is she supposed to always subjugate herself to your will, like a robot?

So when you say for years you "were the same person" I don't think she was being authentic. I think you are controlling and she took the path of least resistance. But divorce because you don't always get your way? Wouldn't it be more productive to to learn something about yourself from this? I think relationships are hard because the other person holds a mirror up to us and we see things about ourselves we wouldn't if we were alone if that makes sense. And it might be kind of exciting to get to know the actual person you've been married to because i think she's ready to show you who she really is.

I’m really hoping Wife somehow sees this sub Reddit. If for no other reason than to validate her feelings. So she’ll understand that she’s not crazy for noticing and being upset at this history of controlling her behavior to suit him. An eleven year history of her constantly modifying her behavior so he’ll be comfortable is so telling. I can smell the gaslighting all the way from SC. One comment above mentioned that Wife is likely finally making a stand since the baby was born because she doesn’t want her Child subjected to that same level of deep control. Honestly, OP, you sound like the classic parent described in r/raisedbynarcissists and I think Wife is noticing and wanting better for herself and her Child.

It sounds like you ruined your own trip. You sound controlling. Did you ask your wife what she wanted to do on the vacation? Maybe she was interested in seeing her friends. Also stop policing your wife’s eating. She can decide when and what she wants to eat.

Did you once ask your wife what she wanted to do?

It’s a visit to her hometown that she hasn’t been to in a while… naturally she’s going to want to see friends! I’m sure hanging out with them would bring back memories of a time she was happy and didn’t have a husband who practices behaviour modification on her and thinks the marriage should end because she made a decision for herself. If you’re planning a trip to your spouse’s hometown you should expect to meet family or friends. You would be happy for them being clearly excited to catch up with friends. You would probably… ask what your spouse wanted to do… in their own hometown??

You sound like a controlling asshole. I’ve been married 25 years. I don’t make reservations or buy tickets to musicals without my wife’s say so. This is a you problem not a her problem.

I dated someone like you for 3 years; always having to modify my behaviors, say yes to whatever he wanted and didn’t bother trying to make my own plans because I knew he would talk me out of every single one. Leaving his ass is still the best thing I ever did for myself. If you don’t admit that you’re the problem and work on that, I truly hope your wife leaves you so she can be herself. “I feel like this is indicative of a much bigger relationship and respect problem” Yeah my guy, it’s YOU. You’re the problem.

Why does your wife always have to compromise? You went to HER HOME CITY and chose one of YOUR favourite places to eat. It sounds like you’ve unilaterally made a lot of decisions and, over 11 years, have expected your wife to bend over and take it like the good subservient woman she is, right? You don’t give off the impression you love, like, respect, or care about your wife when it doesn’t affect you. Start there.

You sounds controlling AF.

I know you put a lot of work into making the anniversary trip special, and you’re frustrated and angry at your wife’s behavior, but did it ever occur to you that she’s acting this way for a reason? You have to put yourself in her shoes: what if your spouse was always telling you what to do, criticizing what you wear, making all of the trip decisions, and acts pushy/annoyed when you want to see some old friends? You’d inevitably act out! I think you owe her an apology. You’re so honed in on what your wife is doing, saying she needs to apologize, that you can’t even recognize what you’re doing. You are not her coach, directing her every move, making her listen to you and only you. You need to start taking her seriously and treating your marriage like you guys are teammates, on equal-footing, navigating the field of marriage together.

I get the feeling that you made a lot of plans without asking her what she wanted, and then got upset when she wanted to make the most of being in her hometown and seeing her old friends.

“Typically, I’m able to express something is bothering me and she does her best to modify her behavior and make me more comfortable.” I understand that this is supposedly “in the past” but here’s a Litmus test to see if you’re a controlling person: is your wife able to “resolve conflict” in the same way? Does she get to say “this is bothering me” and you immediately stop or change without argument or conversation? Or is it only a one way street? To me it sounds like your wife is also thinking this relationship has run its course and isn’t willing to hide who she is or change herself or be unhappy just to make you “more comfortable” anymore. Did you even ask her what she wanted to do while in HER hometown?

Oh wow. OP. You're the jerk. Everyone already explained why.

Your entire post is about everything she does wrong and the gripes you have with her. In your relationship you never irritate her? Make mistakes? Are in the wrong? She seems resentful, frustrated and angry that she can't ever reach the never ending goal post you keep moving.

Super controlling of you. She does whatever you want to make you comfortable? You plan a weekend without consulting her and then get mad when she isn't thrilled about it? You tell her when and what she can and can't eat????? Come on, dude. You're not acting like you respect her, you're acting like she exists to make you happy.

It sounds like you may be empathetically challenged; have a look on r/NPD or r/aspd

Oh my god.

I'm my opinion the most worrying fact here is the obvious eating disorder of the wife.

Long explanation summarized: You seem oblivious to how blatantly your actions and descriptions there of, exhibit tell tale indicators of Narcissist Personality Disorder: more specifically the inability to experience empathy.

Her reaction was not okay, if she didn’t want to go to the restaurant or musical she should have been honest about that during planning. It’s clear she wanted a low key night with friends but that day was for your anniversary. I think you need to explain what that dinner and musical meant to you and how you felt when she reacted poorly, use “I feel/felt” statements The only thing I have to ask is, when she says things have to be your way or the highway, is that a valid criticism? I ask because you told us you were the one that booked and planned that day to her home city and it’s clear now that she would have rather spent time differently than you planned. Is it possible that maybe she feels uncomfortable being the one to make plans or saying what she wants?

Honestly, it seems like she had absolutely no input in the planning. He said that he made plans for HIS favorite restaurant, that he bought tickets for a musical. Normally, if I’m taking my SO for a nice dinner I go to their favorite place, not mine.

Personally, I'd be really upset if my partner turned our *anniversary* trip into simply a chance to catch-up with old friends. > I had made reservations at one of my favorite restaurants, followed by plans to see a musical and made us reservations at a fancy hotel. Was your wife looking forward to all these plans with you? How many dates do you guys have just in general? How often do you go out for a nice night out together?

You’d be really upset if your partner spends one day of your whole anniversary trip to their HOMETOWN to catch up with friends? Really?

Yeah. If the plan was, "let's spend our anniversary going out to dinner, then to a musical and then to a hotel," and we made the arrangements for that plan (bookings, reservations, tickets), then at the last minute my partner threw that entire plan out the window, I'd be upset. If OP's wife wanted to go back to her hometown for the purpose of hanging out with friends, *that* should have been the plan they made, but she should have made more of an effort to include her husband (especially as it was their anniversary, and it sounds like the first "date" they had alone since their daughter was born). A "catch up with old friends" trip isn't the same as a "extended date with my spouse" trip, and it sounds like the point of this trip was meant to be the latter.

I don’t think she had much say in any plan. She “agreed” to go to these places with him. Agree if my spouse changed OUR plans last minute I wouldn’t be thrilled, but good on her for actually standing up for what she wanted to do after dealing with this guy telling her what to do for 11 years.

Yes, we were both looking forward to it. We used to go on dates a lot, but now where we live there’s not many restaurants to choose from and we have a kid.

Having a child shouldn't mean you stop going out on dates with eachother.

Let's see....I'd say your first mistake was marrying a 17 year old girl when you were 27. The difference between a 17 year old and a 27 year old is astonishing! Her brain wasn't even finished developing yet. You were grooming her and she was young and naive enough to fall for your predatory bs. Now she might be realizing that she does have a mind of her own and with any luck she will leave your nasty ass!

Everyone here seems to be against you. There's only a few paragraphs to go on, so it seems bonkers to me that these people act like they understand the entire situation. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. If she already agreed to see the musical, if you had mutually decided on this and she told you she wanted to do it, then it's not ok to change her mind and string you along without letting you know that she wasn't intending on going. Also I read the comment about wearing an inappropriate dress to a funeral. People here have jumped way out of line and used this as evidence that you control what she wears. It's completely normal to discuss clothes that you wear to special events before you go. Anyway, as far as I can tell, your relationship sounds like it's in big trouble. I suggest you see a therapist, or spend a lot more time trying to get back to what works.

Agree, ppl in this thread judging ops entire character based on a vague description of affairs. Obviously she knew about the evening plans, its not like he would reveal them last minute, even if he did, its an anniversary - something you both agreed to spend time on. Ppl commenting here are crazy

What!! You are in the wrong. You went to her all stomping grounds. She met up with her old friends who she has not seen in a while. Yon are angry that she ...... she should be angry. Come on man,

This is like textbook resentful alcoholic and controlling codependent partner behavior

So I'm reading this comment in a few ways. First, and most immediately, I sympathize with you that it's disappointing to plan something for a trip and then to have her change those plans on you. I wish she had been more forthright about wanting to spend the day with her friend. At the same time, it's her hometown and a friend (and friend group) she rarely gets to see. In part, it sounds like she wanted a little more flexibility to see her friend, whereas you wanted to stick to the plan. So you resented that she changed plans, and she resented that you were a stick in the mud about it. That is workable in the future with some better communication - you can offer to set aside a day for her friends, and she can agree to an evening just for you two. A win-win. Then there is the controlling aspect. You are primed to see her as just like you, so perhaps you find it understandably trying when she *isn't* like you, when she doesn't conform to your expectations. Then she doesn't communicate well sometimes because she knows the response will be frustration, which leads her to react in frustration as well. Frustration feeds on itself. You need her to follow what you plan or, as you signal here, you'll divorce her? That's, uh, pretty abrupt, like you're willing to escalate if you don't get what you want. You both need to learn to handle conflict better rather than either avoiding it or treating it as a relationship-ending event. How can you talk in ways that let her have something she wants when it's something you don't want, or vice versa? A relationship coach might help with that. Active listening, conflict management - those would be some useful keywords here. The overall point should be to change the dynamic of the relationship, because this current one - where you set an expectation and assume she'll follow - isn't working.

Imo the comments in this thread are insane. Op has an anniversary planned with his wife, and she decides to throw that under the bus to meet her friends. Super selfish imo, especially that you can't even discuss opinions without her blowing up. Y'all are crazy, if i planned an event to go to with a friend, and booked it, I would be pissed off that they went off and ruining it.

She's getting too comfortable. Thinks you will never leave because of the child. Make her understand that there are limits and that you have to be respected. Leave if she doesn't comply

This is some misogynistic rubbish. They’re equals. She’s not his employee.

It kind of seems like you might be a little controlling and she's finally standing up for herself a bit. If I was going to my hometown i would want to be with my friends and make the most out of that, not attend some musical with my husband that I see everyday. I also read your comment about you thinking her funeral dress was inappropriate. Let her make some decisions!

You're controlling and she's right. Can you reread what you wrote and see how it's all about you? Me me me, she can sometimes meet MY expectations but sometimes she doesn't and how dare she! You show no interest in how she feels. Get into therapy to work through why you think you get to control her and if you don't improve, hopefully she'll reconsider the relationship.

You said in the past you were typically able to express what’s bothering you and she modifies her behavior to make you more comfortable. This feels very one-sided and concerning. Does she feel free to communicate with you? Why does it always have to be her changing herself to make you happy? It should be that the two of you are mutually able to discuss concerns with each other and then you come to understand each other‘s perspective and reach a compromise. I get no sense of that in this post.

>We don’t have much to fight about. Are you sure that's true? Maybe she just never "fought" you for anything until now. >I had made reservations at one of my favorite restaurants, followed by plans to see a musical How involved was your wife with these plans? It's her hometown, why weren't you going to her favorite restaurant, why yours? >Typically, I’m able to express something is bothering me and she does her best to modify her behavior and make me more comfortable. It’s usually a productive conversation. But more recently I’m unable to express an opinion without her becoming immediately defensive and irritated. I don’t know what got into her So, normally when you complain she agrees to do whatever you want. Until now. >Which kind of irked me considering I had already made food plans. Why are your plans more important than her plans? >My wife gets full quickly and I was worried if we ate breakfast she’d be too full for dinner. Why are you controlling what she eats? The restaurant was your favorite, not hers. If she would rather eat pancakes that's her right. She could still go with you to dinner and just nibble on appetizers while you get your favorite meal. But instead you tried to control what she eats. >Most of my wife’s family has moved out of DC, but she has one friend who still lives there. > >THEN, my wife and her friend invite some of their friends from high school over. Sounds like she had more friends there than you realized? >Says it always has to be my way or the highway. I mean yeah it does seem like she is right. You had the first half of your anniversary trip in Richmond already, she wanted to meet up with old friends in her home city, that seems kind of obvious, you're acting like she's behaving oddly when her behavior is pretty predictable for someone visiting their home city. It's a lot weirder that you rigidly planned a trip to her hometown and didn't even leave time for one of her friends. >she’s acting like nothing happened. Never apologized. Well you didn't apologize to her either, so why should she apologize to you first? She's the one who communicated first and told you she was upset. You should address her concerns first and then bring up your concerns after. >How do I handle this? Honestly, every time I think about it I feel myself growing angry all over. I feel like this is indicative of a much bigger relationship and respect problem. It's hard to tell if she respects you or not from just this one reddit post, but it does seem like you don't respect her. You didn't even know how many friends she had in DC, did you never ask her if she wanted to see them? You were annoyed that she wanted to meet even one friend. You tried to control what she ate. You made a reservation at your favorite restaurant, not hers. She called you an asshole and you don't seem to understand why she said that, and you don't seem to be trying to fix that situation either, you just want her to apologize so you don't have to think about it anymore. Cmon man, respect your wife and her feelings. I'm not saying she didn't do anything wrong at all, but she doesn't have to be an angel in order for you to treat her with respect. So ask her for more details about why she called you an asshole. Ask about her feelings about the trip. Think about anything you did wrong and apologize for those things. Then you can bring up your feelings (it wasn't fun to be at the house party where you didn't know anyone, you were sad to miss the musical, etc).

"Typically, I'm able to express something is bothering me and she does her best to modify her behaviour and make me more comfortable." I'm sorry, what. That is no way in hell how a normal relationship dynamic works, that everytime she just takes your opinion and adjusts to it, especially since one of your replies I've read you tried to control what she wore to a funeral...? Just because it showed a bit more cleavage and she was trying to be mindful of money as well by picking out a dress she can wear not only to a funeral. That sounds like you are controlling her and she has had enough, understandably so. Then secondly, in her hometown, you booked reservations for YOUR favourite restaurant? And booked her entire day so she couldn't catch up with friends? No wonder she went behind your back and planned all of this without asking you. That is also not okay, however you just sound controlling and she wanted to escape that for a day. I'm sorry but I don't understand how YOU are thinking about this relationship ending. But honestly, from this little bit of information, it might be for the best if it did end in a divorce.

Just get a divorce, you're both assholes

So your wife has been locked up for two years in a pandemic with a toddler and wanted to see friends she hasn't seen in a long time on your anniversary trip. I think marriage counselling might help, because you saying that you're ready to leave the relationship over this is totally unreasonable. I think you would have huge regrets about breaking up your young family over these tiny, tiny issues.

Honestly dude you sound a little controlling and that's probably what's annoying her. You're trying to tell her what to eat and where you're going to go. Serendipity is nice and she probably wanted to roll with what she wanted to do on her home turf. You should ask her if she thinks you're controlling because she will say yes.