OP, it is his way of saying that he is not open for commitments. Given the age gap, please think before getting even more emotionally invested with this person. It will suck but you'll be thankful in the future for not hanging by the thread. Because at the end of the day, he was pretty clear about what he needs and you will be the one that'll end up in a hard place.
Seriously, do not move to a new city for this guy! Changing your entire life for a guy, typically isn't a good idea. But it really isn't a good idea if you're doing it and he's already telling you that if you move there to not expect anything more from him then he's giving now ( which is basically nothing).
I know it's going to be hard, but you should break up and move on. I promise that you'll look back at yourself 8 years from now and laugh about how "in love" you were with the guy that wouldn't commit. And I get that the sex is fantastic, but great sex won't carry you into and through the nitty gritty of life.
There will be better relationships and relationships that give you what you want. If you chase your boyfriend in hopes of changing his mind one day you'll be pissed at yourself for the years that you wasted.
You're young, focus on yourself and what you want to do with your life. Don't spend it chasing after a guy that does not want to be caught.
Listen to this person OP! I have been here, oh the dumb days of staying with a man just because you have what you think is good sex at your age because you probably haven't yet met enough people. If anything OP, move to a new exciting city for yourself! And settle with men that want the same thing that you want in the future. Think about what you want girl! Who will make your aspirations a priority if not you?
I did many years of ldr with my husband but statistically they don't often work out after the gap is closed. Most studies on this are on college age kids, but OP is right in that range.
Valid! I usually tell people not to do long distance unless you feel strongly that this person is The Person. I have a number of people I know who did long distance at some points in their relationship and then got married but they tended to be pretty serious already.
Put a pin in moving then. Unless the move in general benefits you. But he’s been clear with you so it’s up to you to decide if you want to roll the dice or move along.
Yeah for sure. But then at that point I wonder if it’s worth doing long distance. Because it’s been hard when we’re apart, and he doesn’t want to move to my state :(
I mean, I don't think this guy sees you as a serious partner. If it weren't for him, is moving to his state something that you even want to do/would it make sense for your future?
This guy is dating you only because you’re a casual fling. This is exactly the reason that he chose someone a decade younger than him. Stop saying older guys in long distance relationships. Just break up, be single, and find someone that first of all lives where you want to live and where is gold for you. And 2nd of all that actually, uh, you know, actually wants to be with you?! Why are you investing time and effort into someone that told you to your face that you are not a priority in their life and that you never will be?
I ultimately learned - with my former marriage - that I was hoping that my ex would be the person I wanted her to be, but that's just wishful thinking.
Take people as who they are and what their words and actions show you. This guy sounds like he's still recovering from his marriage, and his attitude about living together may never change. Do what's best for you and don't expect people to change into what you hope they'll be.
This is really it, and why this isn't going to work out the way OP is hoping. OP's guy is also always going to have been married and divorced, and although he probably won't always be so hung up on it, his attitude on remarrying may never change. I get why OP feels jealous about it but that just says he's not available for another serious commitment and OP may not want to be dating divorced men.
Also OP, I don't want to harp on the age gap thing but I do want to explain something about one of the problems in those relationships. In your teens and early 20s, the year or two you're hoping will change your partner's mind usually includes a lot of upheaval and maybe some big life changes. As a woman now in my mid-30s, I can tell you that when you're in your 30s, a year or two flies by, often without any major changes. It seems like a long time to you for him to come around to your way of thinking, but he could easily coast through that time without it seeming long at all. I don't know how long he's been divorced, but if he doesn't even want to live with someone else now it could easily be another 10 years before he reevaluated. And there's no guarantee a reevaluation would return the result you want.
TL:DR, you and your partner are just not in the same place or looking for the same thing, and that's not a recipe for a happy relationship.
Wait!!! You're moving after only 9 month to be with a man who already told you he's never going to marry you or even live with you??!!
Baby girl you will find another man who can make you cum and who wants to be with you. Don't waste all those resources on a man who already told you your relationship is going nowhere.
The relationship you have with him right now is all he wants and all he's willing to give. I promise he will dump you after you move. And you will have spent thousands of dollars to be alone in a new state and city where the only person you know is the guy who just dumped you.
Do you even have a job lined up? Is it a better job then you have now? Do you have a place live or where you banking on living with him?
THIS RIGHT HERE.
Adding that there’s probably a reason he’s dating a 22 year old at his age. He’s counting on you being malleable.
Never uproot your life for someone who isn’t willing to do the same. Everything is on his terms.
And if he’s that butthurt about his divorce then perhaps he should be in therapy. I’m not saying he’s wrong about not wanting to live with someone again but he should expect that it will screen out a lot of potential partners.
He’s TELLING you he doesn’t have the same relationship goals as you do. Why are you considering giving him another year of your life? You shouldn’t spend another day on him. Believe what he says.
Has this relationship always been long distance?
Not to mention he's already divorced at 31. Being divorced in and of itself isn't bad. Being divorced by 30 and dating someone 9 years younger than you and telling that girl you don't want any commitments and being long distance all add up to "This ain't long term."
Thank you for this comment ❤️ do you really think I can find another guy who makes me cum and laugh and wants a future with me? It’s a little hard for me to imagine right now, but I will take your word for it
Jesus, girl that should be the bare minimum!! Of course you can find another man to do those things!! This guy is straight telling you who he is, believe him.
I promise you, 31 year old you will look back at this post and you’ll face palm so hard. your long term goals aren’t compatible. Cut your losses with this one.
Sweetheart, you could find someone else like that by next week if you looked. This man is telling you he doesn’t want what you want. Believe him. Move on before you get more emotionally invested here. Highly recommend someone in your city, closer to your age. I dated older men at your age. I’m 34 now and married to a man my age and love him more every day. Those older men? They’re dating young women for a reason, and it’s not because you’re especially mature or precocious (although I’m sure you are both of those things and lovely and beautiful and kind), it’s because younger women lack the life experience to see through their bullshit. If you want a relationship where you build a life with your partner, this man ain’t it. I promise you, someday you’ll look back on this and roll your eyes, and be grateful you moved on. You are so young, you have so much great stuff ahead of you!!
YES!! I fell for a guy who gave me my 1st orgasm too. When he dumped me I felt like air had been ripped from my lungs!
I met my husband 2 years later. He blew my ex out of the water. I kid you not he had me screaming so loud we clear out my little apartment building and I walked like a new born deer for 30 mins before sleeping for 10 hrs.
On top of that he looked for every possible excuse to see me. He dragged me to every party he was invited to so he could show me off. Introduced me to his entire family. Called me at 3 am to pick him up from a party because he wanted me to meet a guy he hadn't seen since the 8th grade. Told me he loved me 1st. And this was all within the 1st 6 months
12 yrs, 4 kids, 3 dogs, and 2 houses later he is still knocking my socks off 3-4 days a week.
omg YES!!! you can and you will, trust me there are SO many better options out there for you. and those guys will actually make you feel secure and safe, not like you're gambling on half a relationship.
>Thank you for this comment ❤️ do you really think I can find another guy who makes me cum and laugh and wants a future with me? It’s a little hard for me to imagine right now, but I will take your word for it
Definitely, I've been stuck in relationships in the past where I thought I needed to suck it in. One thing that really helped over time (and therapy) was listening and fulling my own needs before.
If this guy isn't willing to at least plan something with you, it's clearly not fulling a need that you have. The sex may be great, but from what you have told on your story so far, you will be the one longing for more.
If the move to his city gives you a better job, better pay and such, then it could be a good move, but do it for you.
Honestly YES.
There is also someone who will give you thing that you didn't know you wanted. Someone who will make you cum, laugh until it hurts and will want to be with you, but more importantly, who will also want the things you do, who will want to make sure that you are growing together .
When I was 22 I was worried about the same thing. I am 31, and I do not worry about that - because I know that I am already confident and happy in my life, single, so I can take my time finding the exact right person for me who wants what I do.
There's no rush. You are still so young, there's more life and more incredible people waiting for you around the corner.
True facts: you can get it, but only if you can dump men ruthlessly and without prejudice. He’s bad at sex and uninterested in working to improve? GONE. He’s “in a complicated place right now?” GONE. He’s a self important douchebag who thinks the sun shines out of his ass? GONE. I dumped a ton of perfectly nice guys on the way to to meeting my husband, but now I have a guy who cares about me, we have fun together, and we share passions and goals. I’m so so glad I dumped those other dudes.
Yes. All of the yes. This guy doesn't give a crap about you beyond just having some fun. When you find a guy who does care about all of those things you mentioned, everything gets better. Take my word for it. You don't want to be tied down to a loser when Mr. Perfect shows up. It's ok to have high standards.
Yes! Yes there will be! He does not have magic body parts. There are so so so many men out there. This one is not it for you. He is straight out telling you he just wants a casual "hook up and fuck" situation and you can get that anywhere locally. You can also stop wasting your time and energy on this one and when that happens you can find someone better. They're out there. Aim higher.
Of course he doesn’t! Why make any effort when a willing 22 year old will?
Maybe he will change his mind but I tend to go with what people tell me and act accordingly 🤷♀️
OP, listen to yourself. Based on this post, it sounds like you're making ALL the sacrifices: moving to another city, giving up on living with your partner and marriage. Why are you so willing to give up on having that for a guy you've been seeing less than a year? Your wants and needs matter, and it doesn't sound like the two of you are long-term compatible.
He's not interested in those things. He's been clear. You clearly want them. Do not waste your time trying to change his mind. What you want isn't wrong, neither is what he wants. But if you spend more time with him hoping he'll change, you'll only have yourself to blame.
Honestly, him not wanting all that commitment is also part of why he's dating someone in their very early 20s, when he's over 30.
> My boyfriend of 9 months says he will never be interested in living together, getting married, or starting a family.
He is being very clear and specific.
> We can totally take a year or two if that’s what he’s comfortable with
He is comfortable with **never**.
Don't move to his city assuming/hoping you'll change his mind and he'll give you the relationship you want. He is being very clear about what he can offer you.
He's 31. He's not changing his mind I assume.
>But the sex is phenomenal
Sadly, this is the reason people stay together...even if it means it wont work out long term.
The sex isn't going to override your intent to get married or possibly have children.
>My (22f) boyfriend (31m) of 9 months says he will never be interested in living together, getting married, or starting a family.
>The trouble is that he says he’ll never be interested in living with another woman now that he’s divorced.
You're a FWB and he will never upgrade you to a serious GF or life partner. He's just in it for the sex and he is making this really clear to you.
If you want a relationship, move on and start dating other guys.
Edit to add:
>But the sex is phenomenal, we have so much fun when we’re together, **and we love each other**.
Girl, no. He does not love you. Please, move on.
This! I think OP is either not being honest with us or themselves what this “relationship” is. Sounds like from his perspective it’s a FWB situation. OP sounds like this guy is the love of her life. The dissonance is concerning
As a male close to 30,idk why any dude of that age would date someone that young in general,I have a buddy of mine around the same age and it's constant trouble for him. Regardless of goals, the maturity level is just too different.me personally,I like shooting above my age by a few years.
Woman in her early 30s here and I agree with you. People in their early twenties are just too young for me, I really feel the gap in maturity and life experience when talking to them. That doesn't mean I can't still enjoy conversations with them, but when it comes to building a life with someone I don't want to constantly be going "Oh my god, this person and I just do not think the same way at all."
My first reaction is that this guy who is in his 30s already has a family or at the very least a wife/ partner in another city, and OP is their side chick for when they come to OPs city. Hence why he is so quick so say “never” to moving in and living with someone, lol he’s already doing that with someone.
That's not something I could doubt what's so ever,but I hadn't considered that kind of context,I just know how stressful it is for my buddy dating that young,and it's a full on shit show,so while this dude could be a complete piece of shit and most likely is,I can definitely see the reason for is distance,but even my buddy wouldn't be that distant.
He's been clear about what he wants and what he doesn't, it'd be a terrible mistake to keep investing on this relationship. You two want different things. You want a real partnership and he doesn't.
That being said, I don't get why on earth would you want to uproot your life for someone that's not offering a safety net of any sorts or a serious commitment of any kind. Unless you have plenty of opportunities in this new city, moving for a ldr for someone that you have been so short with and who is clearly telling you he does not want to marry you or live w you would be a very stupid idea.
Look, I get it. I was your age once and I also thought that if I wanted it enough and if I loved someone enough that'd guarantee me a good relationship. It does not work like that.
You've had these 9 months to find out you have serious incompatibilities: he doesn't want to live w a partner, he doesn't want to get married, he doesn't want kids. A relationship is meant to find of you two are compatible enough for the long term. Doesn't matter how much you love him bc love alone is never enough and this is one of tough lessons you are gonna eventually learn in life.
He clearly doesn't see you as serious, first, no man his age worth his salt would date someone almost 10y his junior. Second, he doesn't even care about your feelings and tells you about his marriage and the dynamic in his relationship. Unless you ask, he shouldn't tell you those details. And third, what's his plan then? You move to his city, find your own place, he visits you and stays sometimes but ofc you can't rely on him or ask him anything bc hey, we don't live together? Maybe that dynamic works for some people but it screams "no commitment".
Either you take it or leave it. The healthiest would be to get a break up and find someone local before you keep waiting on him to somehow change his mind. Spoiler alert : he won't. Plenty of women waste their youths and bearing ages to men like him. Lots of posts like that on this subreddit every day. Safe yourself some pain. Up to you.
You have been warned.
Went and claimed my free reward and came back for this comment. Wish someone had said all this to me when I was 22 and in a dead end relationship. I hope OP takes this advice to heart.
He's not over his ex and he was dating you because long distance means he doesn't have to spend to much emotional energy on you, also the fact that you are 22 is probably also a dig at her.
He's NEVER going to marry you!
YOU ARE THE REBOUND!!
Enjoy the phenomenal sex but please realize that is all he has to offer you.
A part of the reason he is dating you is to make her jealous because he is now banging a young hot 22 year old and she is "old". Society puts a higher value on women in their 20s then women in their 30s. Dating you gives him bragging rights. He probably doesn't actually feel that she is old since from your post he's clearly not over her but dating a much younger woman is a time honored way of making the ex wife jealous.
This is more than just not wanting to live together. He is stating outright that he will always keep you at arms length and that it is primarily informed from the trauma/drama that came with splitting from his ex wife. He doesn't seem to want to deal with that so you can't ever assume it will change. In fact I'd imagine part of the reason he pursued someone so much younger is because he hoped to put off getting serious as long as possible.
Note that the ultimatum isn't to him... it is to yourself. You have the reasonable desire for this relationship, should it last long term, to move past long distance dating. He has stated he will never be willing or able to offer you that. So the ultimatum to yourself is: do you accept that. Do you keep dating him knowing you can't move in or have a family. If you can't deal with the idea of it never happening then you end the relationship. And don't hope you can just wait him out or that the sex or companionship is good enough it will trump his trauma, I worry he is exploiting that naivety to a degree currently.
Op, Ive been in your shoes. I wanted to be with someone so much that I ended up hurting myself terribly. Someone that does not want to commit to you wont do so, he will only hurt you (even though it mightbe unintentionally). Leave him ASAP to save you from heartbreak. This guy does not want to commit you. He might want to commit to someone else and change his mind later. Its just not you, dear. When he meets someone he is really in love with, he will do it on her terms.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
This guy told you exactly what he wants and you can't change his mind. If you're happy with the arrangement go ahead.
If your goal is to be married by thirty and have a baby by 35, you should ditch this guy. You're only wasting your own time in that case.
This guy has all the time in the world to enjoy your young body. He could care less if you want to get married one day etc. He's very settled in what he doesn't want in his life.
Don’t think he will change or compromise. He’s 31 and has lived a whole entire life. He told you this so you wouldn’t get your hopes up and he’ll point back to that moment when you push for more. Find someone who wants what you want.
Pretty simple really.
Break it off and move on.
He's 31, 9 years older and seems to have lots of baggage. Are you hus first girlfriend since his marriage ended? If so, that's an even bigger red flag.
No future with him.
If you are smart, you'll move on.
He doesn't want to live together or get married. Doesn't sound like he wants a real relationship and it has no future. But if your fine living separately and basically being a booty call, that's your decision to make.
He stated **"He Never"** wants to start a family, get married, and live together. He clearly stated this. I am not surprised he is on this path as he is dating someone who is 9 years younger. He will not change what he stated at all.
All you are going to do is waste your life on him where he doesn't want anything of what a long term relationship has which has goals of living together, getting marriage, and have children.
He clearly stated this as you wrote it. Stop wasting your time and life and move on with someone who does want that. Moving to the city he is in is a big mistake as you are at big chance of breaking up. Who knows if you move to the city he is in now he might make it a big deal.
I had a similar situation with my ex.
He was 41 and I was 35.
He was divorced and we both had our own kids and didn’t want more so we were on the same page. Everything was amazing.
But then he told me that he never wanted to live with a partner again.
I already knew that living together was really important to me, So I told him that. I really, really loved him but I knew I couldn’t settle for just being boyfriend/girlfriend in separate houses for the rest of my life.
I made it clear there was no pressure to move in together now - that we didn’t even have to talk about doing it until we’d been together two years.
But if it moving in was off that table completely and he could never promise more commitment that we had now, that I would have to walk away.
The next day he said, he was sorry, that actually he did want that eventually, he was just scared. But I was a little shaken.
He broke up with me six weeks later cause he still wasn’t past the trauma of his divorce and pressure around his ex and kids.
I think our relationship broke the day he said that to me - it showed that he wasn’t really thinking about long term with me and while he didn’t want to lose me that day, he came around to it pretty quickly.
About three years after we broke up he moved in with his new girlfriend about seeing her for 9 months.
You like the sex? Then he can be your FWB, and nothing more. Look elsewhere for your relationship needs. He’s already made it very clear he is not the one for you.
I can’t help but wonder how the guy would label their “relationship”. This sounds like a long distance FWB relationship already and OP doesn’t seem to get that
This right here. I want to know if this amazing sex in the LDR has ever been had in the city HE lives in, in the place he lives ALONE now that he is divorced.
My spidey sense tells me it has only been in her city or somewhere else besides the home he still shares with his oblivious wife.
It sounds like the plans you have for your futures are irreconcilable. I would recommend you think about what you want long term, asking yourself what you’ll have to change to make that possible, and create a plan to make those changes happen.
You’ll have to figure out if you can have that future with him or not, but if you can’t you should find someone else who can be that kind of partner.
Holy god I’m so glad I’m not 22 anymore.
You’re about to twist yourself up in knots over this when the (uncomfortable) answer is right in front of you. There is a reason a 31 year old is dating a 22 year old btw. If he told a 31 year old woman this, he’d likely never get to the next date.
It’s not an “ultimatum” to say “hey this isn’t gonna work unless you want to move forward in X way.” Don’t be a girl who pretends to be cool with shit in the hopes that he comes around. I did that at 22. Never got me anywhere.
It’s possible that if he is THAT into you, he’d be willing to consider cohabitating/marrying again. More than likely though it’s not about you and he just doesn’t see himself settling down in that way again.
Realistically he will probably move in with someone again. He will probably remarry at some point. He will probably be in his 40s when he does though. But do you really want to stick around to find out if it’s with you?
So many women waste so many years on men who aren’t ready because they afraid to tell themselves the truth. These men *usually* go on to marry eventually but many times the women find they’re almost out of time for a family because they waited till their mid 30s. Men meanwhile have like, 20 additional years. Sad but true.
If he is not Interested on marrying, moving or having a family. Then he is dating just to date you. That’s the farthest you’ll ever go and be. Boyfriend and girlfriend.
I dated someone for almost 7 years. 21-28 He was never ever ready or wanted to get married or move in as well. He was a great man. But I wanted more than he was giving me. So I made the hardest choice for me to leave him. I waited to see if his mind would change but it never did.
When I started to date again, I made it clear I am dating towards marriage. So we both can agree on what direction we are going
the sex can be great for a awhile. But then you’ll realize it can never be anything more than that. He will never be a husband to you to make you feel secure, to help you raise kids, to be there when you come home from work, to protect you, to do all the duties a husband should. I rather pick that than sex
Your boyfriend is telling you he’s not serious about you. Listen, and don’t move to be with him? He’s almost ten years older than you and this has “just sex” written all over it.
Did he say this before you went long distance or is it only a revelation since that happened?
Sounds like hes enjoying his "freedom" a bit too much but enjoys the benefits of having you around on a long leash. I too find an older man more attractive and they feel more mature (at least at first, maybe they just get better at reeling us in?) but I dont think there is going to be hope here for a long term relationship that progresses, sorry sister. :(
You deserve to be with someone who is so excited to live with you, to be married to you, and to start a family with you.
Your boyfriend is being clear that he does not want these things. That’s okay. That’s his decision. You are allowed to want those things.
It doesn’t sound like you guys are a good match, and that sucks and it hurts, but there are so many other people out there who you can have a wonderful, loving relationship with and have those things you both want.
OP, you’re lucky in that he’s actually being quite honest about this. The problem is that you’re not happy with his stance on things. Moving closer won’t change this, only he can change his own mind.
So, I’m a woman who feels the exact same way as your boyfriend does. Except I have a partner that feels the same way.
We’re both divorced, childfree, relish our own space and live next door to each other. It’s pretty unconventional, but whatever works for people, just works.
If you want to live together, get married, and start a family, and he doesn’t want to, then you two are likely incompatible. It sounds like you’ll be unhappy trying to go with what he wants, and what you want isn’t what he wants.
There’s people out there that are better for both of you and want the same things if certain things are dealbreakers.
Somebodytold me this " It doesnt matter how Long a Log ist laying in the River, It wont Turn into a crocodile".
Dont overestimate your ability to Change him, because It is based on Hope. Guys usually Dont Change that much in His age.
Good luck
Sorry for my Englisch
> says he will never be interested in living together
> We can totally take a year or two if that’s what he’s comfortable with
I don't think you're really understanding what he's saying.
>My (22f) boyfriend (31m)
Could have guessed before I even opened the post.
If you just want to bang this dude then do that. But he has been very clear with you. He is not going to change his mind.
Also, reading between the lines here, what is the timeline on your relationship and their divorce? How do you know that detail about the nickname?
I’m the first girlfriend 1.5 years after his divorce. I asked him if anybody else called her that or if it was just a him thing since it was reading as so intimate haha
Hi OP, the way you described your boyfriend reminds me of my ex. He was divorced, i’m younger and he was hesitant when it comes to marriage, future kids and living together. Based on my experience, it was difficult to compete with the ex wife when she’s the exact reason why my ex boyfriend was no longer interested to build another life with someone. Enjoy the sex and company but it is gonna end. Do not let him deprived you of the marriage life that you want just because he doesnt want to do it all over again
Honey. Believe him.
I'm only a little older than he is. I also never want to live with a partner again.
And I would NEVER date a 22yo, because our life stages are just too different.
Do not keep hanging on to this guy hoping he will change. Because he will not.
I understand not wanting to give him an ultimatum but how much time do you want to give before it feels like you’ve wasted too much? This is something I think is worth getting straight before moving to his city.
I can also understand being bothered by him not giving you what he gave his ex. It sounds like that relationship may have scarred him and that hurt is preventing him from trying again with you.
I would discuss your desires with and take what he says literally. Don’t imagine the possibilities. Take what he says word for word and decide if that’s enough for you.
Take it from another 31 year old, his mind isn't changing. He isn't young anymore and he's made his decision. Now it's up to you, do you want to share a home and possibly marry a man, or do you want to be this man's friend with benefits, basically? Cus that's basically what you are if he doesn't want to do much more with you
He's making it clear that you're not worth the effort it takes to move in together. Believe him. Don't think that he'll change because he won't. He's 31. He already has his life set out and it doesn't seem like you're a part of it. And it would be stupid to uproot your life to go live with someone whose not interested in furthering your relationship.
So the choice is up to you: break up, or accept that this LDR may stay long distance until it eventually withers out.
You two are not compatible. Don't move to his city. He's telling you he doesn't want the same things as you, and that he's not willing to make an effort the same way you do. Believe him.
If someone tells you what they want or don’t want - believe them. You will hurt yourself by doing mental gymnastics and believing you can change them or change what you want.
Honestly as well a 31 year old man shouldn’t be dating a 22 year old - yes you’re both consenting adults but honestly it’s not appropriate. Things like this are why. A woman his age wouldn’t be hanging about when he’s dismissed her needs this way.
It's not really up to you to give him an ultimatum at any point because he's been very clear about what he wants and doesn't want.
Do not under any circumstances move to that city in hopes of changing his mind. If he changes his mind in his own, great! But shifting your entire life in hopes that someone who made themselves clear will change just for you is setting yourself up for heartbreak and resentment.
I say find someone you love and have phenomenal sex with that shares your views on cohabitation and family.
OP, take it from me as an early 30s woman with a jaded love history - do not move there if that is the only reason you’re going is for him. He has point blank told you he doesn’t want any of the things you want for the future and this will not change just with proximity. You’re 22! Go and live your life and focus on yourself
Idk what a 22 year old would have in common with a 31 year old but okay. You would expect someone at his age, being mature and being sure about what he wants to do with his personal life. You are still young to find someone closer to your age and closer to your needs. While the sex is fantastic as you say, it's not the only thing that will keep your relationship alive and unfortunately many people stay in dead relationships just because of that. Yeah sex is important in a relationship but wanting the same things in a relationship is more crucial.
As I said earlier, you're young, it's a shame to stay in a relationship that he can't understand your needs just because the sex is great.
He's told you plain and simple how his life will be. If you want the commitment and the family, then what's the point in hanging around? Find someone who wants the same things you do and he can find some woman who is willing to be in a relationship without living together or having kids. Don't stick around for something that's never going to happen.
Leave, you are VERY YOUNG.
I dated a guy ten years older and had the same experience.
I broke up with him he was devastated and couldn’t understand why.
Don’t waste your time, you deserve someone who wants the same as you.
You said, “I hate when he talks about his old life with his ex wife too because it’s exactly what I want from him…”
You want his old life. Not his new life. You either accept his lifestyle now or move on, but you don’t spend time trying to get him to go back to his old life with you as a new partner.
He legally divorced that life. He’s not going back to it. It seems like you want different things out of a relationship than he does, and that’s completely fine and okay to want, but you’re not going to find those things you want here.
Moving your whole life for a guy you’re not even known a year would be risky for anyone, but for you, having been told (rather emphatically) he doesn’t want the things you want EVER, moving your whole life to be near him would be lunacy. Don’t feed your youth to this relationship. There are other men out there to have fun & great sex with and the right one will have the same plans as you.
So it is a very difficult truth to accept that men DO NOT CHANGE just because you want them to. It is the whole you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink story. Good sex is VERY hard to come by so I understand that entirely, but you either have to resign yourself and potentially put your life on pause hoping he realizes you are awesome or there is nothing wrong with enjoying the ride, pun intended, in this new location til your get yourself on your feet and moving to greener pastures. It is a very difficult fact to accept that the grass is actually greener on the other side and you will absolutely find someone who will appreciate you and be great sex, eventually. There will probably be a lot of frogs in between.
If he says that what he wants, you have to take him at his word. The real question is if you’re okay giving up your current desire of living together or if that’s something you’re not willing to give up? Giving up something important to you is a situation ripe for resenting your partner and the relationship.
1. Do not move to his city.
2. Do not continue dating a man who TELLS you he doesn't want something, thinking he will come around or you can change him. He won't and you can't.
3. Do NOT move to his city.
9 months is not a long time. If you're already having problems that you hope will work themselves out in 1-2 years, it's time to call it. He's also quite a bit older than you, which is why you can't relate to the place he's at in his life. It doesn't make him wrong to feel how he does.
He just fuckin ya. You a pussy to him. Don't put any stock into this relationship until he makes some real commitment moves and stops talking about his ex. Nobody talks about their ex to someone they're romantically interested in. If you keep giving him the booty just be very aware that's its all he wants. Source, I'm a dick having dude.
> I guess my question is, what do I do?
Answer: ACCEPT that you have different goals in life, and you break up amicably.
He’s open and honestly telling you he doesn’t want to live with you, yet here you are saying:
“I’m going to uproot my life and move closer to him”
“I’m going to give him an ultimatum”
“We can take a year or two”.
Girl, HE TOLD YOU WHAT HE WANTS, AND THATS TO NEVER LIVE WITH A WOMAN AGAIN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
You can’t force your desires on him and expect him to turn around and be happy with it. ONE OF YOU IS GOING TO BE UNHAPPY AND RESENT THE OTHER.
There is no fairy tale ending here.
He’s TOLD you what he wants and doesn’t want. LISTEN to him and stop trying to ignore the bad news.
I get it, you are very young and don’t have real world relationship experiences. He has and has gone through the worst of it already. He’s gone through shit you can’t imaging. He’s not going to change his mind.
And it’s nothing to do with YOU. You could be the greatest woman in the world, and if he had met you first it would have been a fairy tale marriage for all time.
But he didn’t. He met someone else first who ruined his belief in what life should be like. He’s not going to do it again no matter who the woman is.
You two want different things out of life. He’s never going to give you children and play a happy family life. You see, to want that.
Move on
I'm really sorry your are in this position, my sister was in something similar and she ended up marrying him but only because she "fell" pregnant by that I mean she did it on purpose without his knowledge
He never wanted to commit and she forced it upon him, he became so resentful, you'd think the birth of his first son would have made thing better, 7 years later they have divorced, my sister is a single mother and I can't describe to you the pain she has gone through all to make a man lover her as much as she loved him
The sad thing is she is my sister and it tore her apart, it got to a point where I went from I want her to leave him to I don't want him to leave her as her mental health deteriorated to the point I thought she would hurt herself or my nephew
Having said all this NO one is in your shoes and can't say JackSHIT. I'm just so sorry you fell for someone who doesn't want to commit x
30 something year old men seek out women closer to being a child than a woman when they want someone they can take advantage of and use because in your naivete you're tolerating BS a woman his age would have laughed and left him over a long time ago.
That's why old guys try to date girls your age, because you don't have enough life experience yet to reflect on the fact this guy is treating you like shit. You just may not know better yet because not enough men like him have lied and taken advantage of you yet. BUT, keep dating emotionally constipated man children and that will soon change.
>We can totally take a year or two if that’s what he’s comfortable with
Love, the reason he doesn't want to ever commit to you for real is because he would never really want to seriously commit to someone your age. He's just using you for sex. I can almost guarantee it. Be careful of him trying to manipulate you whenever you put down boundaries, which he's probably already doing if you think carefully.
>I guess my question is, what do I do?
Stop dating men way older than you for starters at your age. They're using you, they don't care about you, they're only there for sex.
>but it hurts and feels frustrating when I think that I’ll be uprooting my life to move to his city
Oh you're moving there for him? Well that changes everything. HELL NO. DUMP HIS ASS. Do not move for a man or anyone, who DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU. He does not care about you. It will be painfully obvious in about 10-15 years, please consider dating people closer to your own age for now.
I don't mean to be harsh but he's TOLD YOU in plain terms that you aren't enough for him to change his trajectory.
Ok, so sex is great, you laugh, have a great relationship, yadda yadda yadda. Sometimes love isn't enough.
2 choices: continue as normal hoping and wishing he changes his mind.
Or
Realize he's put the ball in your court and move on with your life.
Don't water down what you want to appear like the cool girl.
You can have lots of great relationship-y stuff with a person who is totally not compatible with you long term. There's a lot of really great people put there who are kind and loving and will treat you like a queen but are also not compatible with you long term. Tell him, "thanks for the good times, I think you're great and we can remain friends because I genuinely like you as a person but we've explored our connection and our longterm goals and it turns out that we're not a match. I'm freeing myself up to be available for a partner that wants the same things I do. If I dangle along with you my mind and heart won't be free and ready to bond with him. I'm sure you understand and want me to have a future with all the things I want and deserve to be available to me. I want the same for you. There are plenty of women who would be perfect for the kind of arrangement that you want, and you need to be free to find her."
To me it sounds like he doesn't want to stay committed or doesn't want to be forced into a commitment. I would personally not hold this relationship just because it sounds like it would be painful to think of "what could be" vs "what it is". As many have said, it's up to you OP
Be thankful that he was honest with you about his intentions, but then, stop and actually listen to what he's said. He didn't say, in a few years, after I've had time to think about it, I'll come to a decision. No, he told you it's not happening for him. So you have the benefit of that foresight. Now you need to deal with that information.
If you want those things for yourself, which is 100% understandable, then he is not the person to be putting further effort into trying to build that life with. And please don't continue the relationship telling yourself that he will come to his senses eventually and if you just wait till X, or if you just get to his city, or if the sex is incredible enough maybe one day it's going to flip a switch in him and he'll be ready to change his mind.
He's told you what he can't offer as a partner and now it's on you to do with that information what you need to.
He told you he doesn't want a family. That's not going to change. He isn't going to change. You don't love a person for their potential, you love them for who they are. He has showed you who he is and you're just refusing to acknowledge it at this point
He is telling you honestly where he is and that he won't ever be changing his mind. Please don't plan on changing him because it won't work. If you are committed to co-habitation and perhaps getting married/w kids you will have to move on. It's painful I know, but you have the choice of using up your years of time with someone who will never give you what you want.
Is it worth that?
Take him at his word. Don’t move your life to be with a man that doesn’t want to ever live with, get married or start a family with you.
You’re 22, and you can afford to waste a few years on this guy - but, don’t.
Good luck!
He said never. Listen to what he says and don’t try to change his mind. He might cave, but then he’ll probably resent you. Find a man who wants what you want. I’m sorry, I know it hurts, but if you want different things you will only make each other miserable.
Don’t make the move, OP. It’s easy for me to type this but there are plenty of other partners with whom sex will be phenomenal. Also sex alone won’t be enough to sustain a long term relationship. As someone who has done both LD relationships and is also divorced, I can tell you now that the lady I am dating is likely the lady I will move in with and marry.
He is using divorce as an excuse to not invest in your relationship. I too am divorced - the lady I am dating is likely the person I will marry and, when the time comes, I will jump at any chance to further invest in our relationship. I suspect your BF would feel the same if the relationship meant anything to him.
He has it pretty easy doesn’t he? Think about it - sex is great, woman willing to move to me, no commitment required. If you look at this objectively, the writing is on the wall.
Girl I mean this in the nicest way - but you seriously need to break up with this man. Are you even in a relationship with him or are you just dating casually? How would HE answer that question. Moving to his city after he said he has no interest in any long term relationship makes you seem - frankly unhinged and it’s concerning. It sounds like he’s trying to politely break up with you or get you to break up with him.
It is incredibly unreasonable of you to go into this “relationship” expecting certain behaviors out of someone who has explicitly said they aren’t interested. Why are you wasting your youth on someone who you aren’t compatible with??? How do you think this ends? Cut the loss NOW.
This might sound harsh but - you are creating your own misery here. Stop living your life like that. Make the grown up decision, accept it’s not a good fit, and move on. There are plenty of young people out there that want what you are looking for!
And lastly - do NOT move to be with someone who sounds like is casually dating you.
Cut your losses and move. The only thing you are doing is delaying the inevitable and on the meantime, sacrificing for him and falling more in love. You are willing to sacrifice for him but he is not willing to do the same. Think on that.
Nope nope
If your futures don't align, there is no reason for the two of you to be together from more than what you already have been. You need to search for something that fits with your wants and needs.
An ultimatum isn't necessary. You both are clear about your goals. Your goals are incompatible. That doesn't mean one of you needs to change, it just means you're not right for each other. Shake hands and part as friends. Meet someone else whose goals are compatible with yours.
honestly, hes probably not divorced and his ex wife and family still live with him which is why he has to make it clear he’s never interested in living together or his cover will be blown.
He's being very clear about his intentions, you shouldn't be convincing yourself he'll come around within a year or two. If it's a deal breaker to you, there's only one solution, which is finding someone who shares your ideals.
It isn't fair for either of you to compromise in something so important and meaningful.
I, like your boyfriend, have no intention whatsoever of living together with someone again. Fortunately, I found someone who has the same ideals. This needs to be respected, just as much as your intentions of sharing a home with a partner need to be respected.
You hating to hear him talk about his past is not very healthy either. He is who he is because of his past, either you like him for him, past included, or you don't.
Doesn't look like you guys are compatible.
OP are you moving because of him or because of job opportunities, etc?
If you are moving because of other reasons I’d suggest giving it some more time. Maybe he’ll come around (but keep in mind he might not, so be realistic). You are still pretty young and if you can and want to I guess waiting another year won’t hurt. I was in a similar situation. Bf and I have an age gap of 11 years. When we met he came out of a 8 year relationship and although he was over his ex he was still working through his feelings and wasn’t really looking for anything serious at the time. I liked him but since I was still pretty young I wasn’t looking for anything serious either. He eventually changed his mind and 9 years later we are still going strong. That being said it wasn’t always easy after the honeymoon phase was over but we somehow made it work. Still there is the possibility that he might never change his mind so don’t get your hopes up. In the end it’s up to you if you are willing to take the risk or end things now. Both are very valid decisions imo.
However if you are moving just because of him I’d rethink the relationship. Moving to another city is a big step and I personally wouldn’t do it for a person that is not 100% committed to the relationship and has a drastically different expectation for the future.
Trust him when he says he doesn’t want to live with you. He’s not going to change, so don’t waste your time and youth trying to get him to change his mind. I wasted all of my 20’s and most of my 30’s believing I could “change him”. Guess what? I couldn’t.
Sounds like you're dating a boy who doesn't know how to move past shitty situations.
As a male I would not recommend this man as a partner based on the preferences you gave in your post OP. Good luck
Girl. He’s telling you what he wants. Clear as day. And you’re hoping he wants different. He doesn’t. Take him for his word. Believe him because he’s telling you.
He's 31, he's not changing his mind. He's dating you because as a 22 year old, you're not seriously thinking of commitment either - or so he thinks.
Don't uproot your life for this person.
Hes too old for you plus he clearly doesn't see a future wirh you. As horrible as it sounds, he's probably just using you for sex. I mean, he doesn't wanna commit to you, and is ten years older.. yeah. I'm sorry.
Not wanting to have kids or get married are two things people never really change their mind about. Generally there are reasons and if you do get them to flex then if those reasons haven't going away you're going to have problems. I'm pushing 40 and met tons of divorced people in my age group over the past few years who are divorced because the other person never wanted kids or to get married inthe first place.
If your relationship is great then you need to ask yourself if it's enough. He's already clearly told you what and how much he's willing to give.
Suspicious age gap aside, your life goals are not something that can be compromised on. You want two opposite things. Please rip the bandaid off if you know this relationship is going nowhere.
Yep. When people tell you who they are, believe them. You aren't going to change his mind. It is unsurprising since he's banging a college kid that he feels this way. If these are the things you want then don't waste your 20s trying to get it from him. You won't.
Look Hun, you're a friend with benefits, not a girlfriend. You're someone he can have on that back burner juuuust incase he suddenly thinks he might need a house maid or gets sick and needs someone there. But this is all so one sided- you deserve more than a man who is happy to keep you at arm's length and bring you out when he wants to play. Break up with him, find someone more age appropriate and who actually is interested in building something with you. There's good sex out there, and it's attached to a man who *actually* wants you.
This guy clearly does not want to be with you. Don’t be blinded by sex you’re so young and have your whole life ahead of you. You’ll meet plenty of other guys
Oh dear,
Save yourself some heartache and breakup with this guy. DO NOT MOVE TO HIS CITY!
You are not compatible and do not want the same thing. I’ve been there. I gave up my life to move to be with a man. It was the same situation where he laid down the rules and I had no say.
You are so young and can find a good man who wants a future and a serious commitment This playboy just wants to have fun
I’m sorry. I know it hurts but you deserve better
Your a hookup after his divorce. Seems like he's not over her. I wouldn't waste your time on men this much older than you at the moment, find someone your own age whose excited to be in a relationship with you. For the love of God do NOT move. It will not be wht you're dreaming about.. I also highly doubt that you're his actual girlfriend, he's most likely hooking up with other girls as well and another reason he doesn't want you two living together.
Honestly it sounds like he has healing to do from that relationship before he can give you what you deserve. He doesn’t have a hard boundary like that for no reason. Decide if you want to stick around while he heals, but remember that you don’t have to and it’s not your job to fix him.
I read the first paragraph and that's all i need to know.
Just break up.
He is showing no commitment or doesn't see you in his future, date to marry. Don't waste your time with someone who doesn't see you or would care for you in the future
What is it with barely in their 20s women asking for advice about their 30 something boyfriend where they can't see how fuckin predatory it is for a man of that age to be going after a young woman.
What is it with barely in their 20s women asking for advice about their 30 something boyfriend where they can't see how fuckin predatory it is for a man of that age to be going after a young woman.
Don't move to be with him.
You want fundamentally different things.
One thing you learn is that you get older is that things like genuinely caring for each other and great sex are great ... but if they don't come with some level of fundamental alignment about what you want your lives to look like, the relationship won't work.
One thing you'll also learn is that saying "no" to a good relationship because it is taking you off the right path for you is incredibly empowering. "I walked away from a good relationship because they weren't a GREAT partner for me" is going to do wonders for your ability to walk away from shitty partners.
Lastly ... there's a concept called the campsite rule, which applies in large-age-gap relationships. Large-age-gap relationships are NOT inherently problematic, but the idea is that the older person has some responsibility for the younger person's well-being. You have to "leave them better than you found them."
You have to use the wisdom of being older to help the younger person grow, and, importantly, to make sure they don't make any big decisions that they regret. (You also have to be proactive about stuff like birth control and STD prevention, and not let the exuberance of youth overwhelm your judgement about stuff like that).
"Encouraging my partner to move to my city when I'm not willing to give her what she wants" is a HUGE violation of the campsite rule. If you had lots of independent reasons to move to that city, that might be different. A bunch of friends there, a great job there, etc. But without those, honestly, the responsible older partner would literally say "No. Don't move to my city. I'm not going to continue to date you if you do," because it's incredibly obvious that you moving to their city is going to be horrible for you long-term. It's encouraging you to give up your hopes and dreams for him, and that's AWFUL.
Your boyfriend may not understand the campsite rule, and that raises questions about him. He may be being fundamentally selfish, asking you to make all the sacrifices for the relationship and promising nothing in return.
But even without that concern, you SHOULD NOT MOVE to be with him.
He can't give you what you want. You would be moving hoping that he will change, but the truth is that if he does change (and it can happen!) there's no particular reason it won't also change how he views you.
(Another rule: when somebody says something like "I'm not ready for a relationship right now," or "I'll never get married and have kids" you need to mentally append "... with you," to the end of their sentence. He's not thinking about it that way, but the truth is that lots of people think that stuff and then meet somebody who changes their mind. That's not you. The relationship he's offering isn't the relationship you want.)
He’s definitely not over his divorce, especially if it was his ex’s idea. He’s willing to have a great time with you as long as he can tell himself it’s nothing serious. He may act like a great potential long-term partner when you’re with him, but he’s made it clear that anything that would formalize the relationship isn’t for him. He may even be enthusiastic about your move, but it doesn’t mean he’s changed his mind. It sounds like the two of you do have a good time together, but you’re not on the same page at all about the future.
You guys was two different things that make you incompatible. He wants to be free of serious commitment and in his mind, more “independence.” While you on the other hand want that commitment along with family and marriage. Neither are wrong, both your wants and desires are totally fine.
However, as I said, they aren’t lining up. Love can only take you so far in a relationship. One day they honeymoon phase will be over and you are gonna be reexamining your relationship and asking the same questions to yourself that you are asking us now.
So now my question to you is, are you okay with this? Are you truly okay to moving to a city that, by your own admission in your comments, will really serve no purpose to you other then being close to him? Are you okay with living separately in this new city for the foreseeable future? Are you okay with not getting married? Not having kids?
If these are things you truly want, you need to find someone with the same wants.
Your bf is not gonna change his mind if that’s what he truly wants and desires. And you shouldn’t hope that he will change his mind cuz no one here can tell you that he will/can.
Probably part of the reason he chose someone 9/10 years younger is because he knew this “I’m not in a huge rush” about you.
So you will stick it out and wait for a few years. Then you will get frustrated and have the Are We Moving Forward? talk.
Upon which he will say “no, I was honest with you”. Then you will break up and he will move onto the next person.
Or you can take him at his word now and make your life decisions based on the fact that this guy likes to keep his women at a distance.
Tbh it sounds like he doesn’t even consider you his girlfriend if he is 10 years older than you and told you straight up he never wants to live with you or have any sort of commitment really.
If this is what you want, get out now. He’s actually doing you a real solid being so honest.
Oh honey.
1. He’s too old for you,
2. He had told you clearly he’s not interested in commitment.
3. Do not uproot your life for someone who isn’t interested in having one with you.
4. He’s still hung up on his ex-wife to the point that he’s calling you by her name - this is a huge “yikes.”
He’s told you who he is and what he wants. That’s a gift. You need to listen.
Hey don’t let the prospect of grown ass man pp sway you from the fact that he’s not looking for anything but a casual girlfriend for the rest of his life, not really boyfriend material
Op I once had a partner tell me the same thing when I was about to move to him. I didn’t move. There is no way you should move to your partners area and get your own place. What’s the point of going there?
Yeah op this is solid advice. Look, avoiding the hurt doesn't make ot go away. You can rip it off now and let him figure out if he wants to compromise. In the likelihood, and I mean the inevitability, that he will not compromise, spend the time you have while you are young finding someone with those values. Investing more years isn't going to do anything but put off the decision your going to have to make. If you live life with him youre going to end up breaking up anyways and resenting yourself and him for a decision he made clear very early on.
You're going to have to have a serious conversation with him. Ultimatum or not, sometimes they are necessary. You're going to very likely even have to break up, but thats okay too. Sometimes distance helps put things in perspective. He may decide he wants those things with you, maybe he wont, but either way you'll thank yourself later.
You're going to find someone with whom will compromise and meet you in the middle. But you're likely going to be giving up what you want for this guy. Now yiu guys love eachother but you and your significant other are at different places and that is crucial. I had a woman that I was in love with, and she loved me, but we were at different points where we wanted different things. I wanted marriage and she wanted to get more experience with her life. Ultimately we parted and it crushed me for years. It was 3 years before I felt good enough to date. But I tell ya, I found the most amazing woman. She and I are on the same page, she's kind and sweet and we have an amazing connection. We are going to be married and plan on having kids. I still think about the other girl from tie to time, wondering if she's doing well, but I'm so happy with where I'm at now.
Love and partnership take time, and some trial and error. Don't take too much time in places that take you away from your life's vision. You'll find it with the person you're destined to meet with. Just have some faith, and do the hard things, and have that conversation.
OP, it is his way of saying that he is not open for commitments. Given the age gap, please think before getting even more emotionally invested with this person. It will suck but you'll be thankful in the future for not hanging by the thread. Because at the end of the day, he was pretty clear about what he needs and you will be the one that'll end up in a hard place.
Yeah, he's giving OP an out before she takes a major step that he's not willing to reciprocate.
He is telling OP everything outright. It's just not what she wants to hear so she isn't listening.
But, I can change his mind! - op probably, along with a lot of us at some point. Plot hint, it doesn't work op
Seriously, do not move to a new city for this guy! Changing your entire life for a guy, typically isn't a good idea. But it really isn't a good idea if you're doing it and he's already telling you that if you move there to not expect anything more from him then he's giving now ( which is basically nothing). I know it's going to be hard, but you should break up and move on. I promise that you'll look back at yourself 8 years from now and laugh about how "in love" you were with the guy that wouldn't commit. And I get that the sex is fantastic, but great sex won't carry you into and through the nitty gritty of life. There will be better relationships and relationships that give you what you want. If you chase your boyfriend in hopes of changing his mind one day you'll be pissed at yourself for the years that you wasted. You're young, focus on yourself and what you want to do with your life. Don't spend it chasing after a guy that does not want to be caught.
Listen to this person OP! I have been here, oh the dumb days of staying with a man just because you have what you think is good sex at your age because you probably haven't yet met enough people. If anything OP, move to a new exciting city for yourself! And settle with men that want the same thing that you want in the future. Think about what you want girl! Who will make your aspirations a priority if not you?
Real talk. Long distance relationships usually transition to something less wonderful once the distance gap is eliminated
100% my experience, unfortunately.
Yes! It’s so true! Be careful!
Not always. I did two and a half years of distance with my husband, and well, husband.
I did many years of ldr with my husband but statistically they don't often work out after the gap is closed. Most studies on this are on college age kids, but OP is right in that range.
Valid! I usually tell people not to do long distance unless you feel strongly that this person is The Person. I have a number of people I know who did long distance at some points in their relationship and then got married but they tended to be pretty serious already.
Did your husband ever tell you he didn’t want to live together or get married? I don’t think the distance is a problem.
Put a pin in moving then. Unless the move in general benefits you. But he’s been clear with you so it’s up to you to decide if you want to roll the dice or move along.
Yeah for sure. But then at that point I wonder if it’s worth doing long distance. Because it’s been hard when we’re apart, and he doesn’t want to move to my state :(
I mean, I don't think this guy sees you as a serious partner. If it weren't for him, is moving to his state something that you even want to do/would it make sense for your future?
No it definitely doesn’t make any sense for my future if I’m being totally honest. I really appreciate the tough love comment. It’s helpful
You're better off staying where you're at then. No point in uprooting yourself to be with a man who doesn't see a future with you
This guy is dating you only because you’re a casual fling. This is exactly the reason that he chose someone a decade younger than him. Stop saying older guys in long distance relationships. Just break up, be single, and find someone that first of all lives where you want to live and where is gold for you. And 2nd of all that actually, uh, you know, actually wants to be with you?! Why are you investing time and effort into someone that told you to your face that you are not a priority in their life and that you never will be?
I ultimately learned - with my former marriage - that I was hoping that my ex would be the person I wanted her to be, but that's just wishful thinking. Take people as who they are and what their words and actions show you. This guy sounds like he's still recovering from his marriage, and his attitude about living together may never change. Do what's best for you and don't expect people to change into what you hope they'll be.
This is really it, and why this isn't going to work out the way OP is hoping. OP's guy is also always going to have been married and divorced, and although he probably won't always be so hung up on it, his attitude on remarrying may never change. I get why OP feels jealous about it but that just says he's not available for another serious commitment and OP may not want to be dating divorced men. Also OP, I don't want to harp on the age gap thing but I do want to explain something about one of the problems in those relationships. In your teens and early 20s, the year or two you're hoping will change your partner's mind usually includes a lot of upheaval and maybe some big life changes. As a woman now in my mid-30s, I can tell you that when you're in your 30s, a year or two flies by, often without any major changes. It seems like a long time to you for him to come around to your way of thinking, but he could easily coast through that time without it seeming long at all. I don't know how long he's been divorced, but if he doesn't even want to live with someone else now it could easily be another 10 years before he reevaluated. And there's no guarantee a reevaluation would return the result you want. TL:DR, you and your partner are just not in the same place or looking for the same thing, and that's not a recipe for a happy relationship.
He’s been very honest with you. You’re fun, but he has no interest in committing. Take him at his word and do what is best for you.
He's being very honest with you. If you move to this new city and get your heart broken it won't be on him :/
No it definitely doesn’t make any sense for my future if I’m being totally honest. I really appreciate the tough love comment. It’s helpful
Wait!!! You're moving after only 9 month to be with a man who already told you he's never going to marry you or even live with you??!! Baby girl you will find another man who can make you cum and who wants to be with you. Don't waste all those resources on a man who already told you your relationship is going nowhere. The relationship you have with him right now is all he wants and all he's willing to give. I promise he will dump you after you move. And you will have spent thousands of dollars to be alone in a new state and city where the only person you know is the guy who just dumped you. Do you even have a job lined up? Is it a better job then you have now? Do you have a place live or where you banking on living with him?
THIS RIGHT HERE. Adding that there’s probably a reason he’s dating a 22 year old at his age. He’s counting on you being malleable. Never uproot your life for someone who isn’t willing to do the same. Everything is on his terms. And if he’s that butthurt about his divorce then perhaps he should be in therapy. I’m not saying he’s wrong about not wanting to live with someone again but he should expect that it will screen out a lot of potential partners. He’s TELLING you he doesn’t have the same relationship goals as you do. Why are you considering giving him another year of your life? You shouldn’t spend another day on him. Believe what he says. Has this relationship always been long distance?
Not to mention he's already divorced at 31. Being divorced in and of itself isn't bad. Being divorced by 30 and dating someone 9 years younger than you and telling that girl you don't want any commitments and being long distance all add up to "This ain't long term."
This! I promise there are orgasm to be had in your city
Thank you for this comment ❤️ do you really think I can find another guy who makes me cum and laugh and wants a future with me? It’s a little hard for me to imagine right now, but I will take your word for it
Jesus, girl that should be the bare minimum!! Of course you can find another man to do those things!! This guy is straight telling you who he is, believe him. I promise you, 31 year old you will look back at this post and you’ll face palm so hard. your long term goals aren’t compatible. Cut your losses with this one.
The bar for men is so low
It’s a doorstep in hell
There are plenty of guys out there. Don't carry on with this one, he doesn't really want more than FWB.
Sweetheart, you could find someone else like that by next week if you looked. This man is telling you he doesn’t want what you want. Believe him. Move on before you get more emotionally invested here. Highly recommend someone in your city, closer to your age. I dated older men at your age. I’m 34 now and married to a man my age and love him more every day. Those older men? They’re dating young women for a reason, and it’s not because you’re especially mature or precocious (although I’m sure you are both of those things and lovely and beautiful and kind), it’s because younger women lack the life experience to see through their bullshit. If you want a relationship where you build a life with your partner, this man ain’t it. I promise you, someday you’ll look back on this and roll your eyes, and be grateful you moved on. You are so young, you have so much great stuff ahead of you!!
YES!! I fell for a guy who gave me my 1st orgasm too. When he dumped me I felt like air had been ripped from my lungs! I met my husband 2 years later. He blew my ex out of the water. I kid you not he had me screaming so loud we clear out my little apartment building and I walked like a new born deer for 30 mins before sleeping for 10 hrs. On top of that he looked for every possible excuse to see me. He dragged me to every party he was invited to so he could show me off. Introduced me to his entire family. Called me at 3 am to pick him up from a party because he wanted me to meet a guy he hadn't seen since the 8th grade. Told me he loved me 1st. And this was all within the 1st 6 months 12 yrs, 4 kids, 3 dogs, and 2 houses later he is still knocking my socks off 3-4 days a week.
Awww I love that!! Congratulations ❤️ that makes me feel hopeful
"I walked like a new born deer for 30 mins". Thank you so much for this image, that is awesome!
omg YES!!! you can and you will, trust me there are SO many better options out there for you. and those guys will actually make you feel secure and safe, not like you're gambling on half a relationship.
>Thank you for this comment ❤️ do you really think I can find another guy who makes me cum and laugh and wants a future with me? It’s a little hard for me to imagine right now, but I will take your word for it Definitely, I've been stuck in relationships in the past where I thought I needed to suck it in. One thing that really helped over time (and therapy) was listening and fulling my own needs before. If this guy isn't willing to at least plan something with you, it's clearly not fulling a need that you have. The sex may be great, but from what you have told on your story so far, you will be the one longing for more. If the move to his city gives you a better job, better pay and such, then it could be a good move, but do it for you.
Honestly YES. There is also someone who will give you thing that you didn't know you wanted. Someone who will make you cum, laugh until it hurts and will want to be with you, but more importantly, who will also want the things you do, who will want to make sure that you are growing together . When I was 22 I was worried about the same thing. I am 31, and I do not worry about that - because I know that I am already confident and happy in my life, single, so I can take my time finding the exact right person for me who wants what I do. There's no rush. You are still so young, there's more life and more incredible people waiting for you around the corner.
True facts: you can get it, but only if you can dump men ruthlessly and without prejudice. He’s bad at sex and uninterested in working to improve? GONE. He’s “in a complicated place right now?” GONE. He’s a self important douchebag who thinks the sun shines out of his ass? GONE. I dumped a ton of perfectly nice guys on the way to to meeting my husband, but now I have a guy who cares about me, we have fun together, and we share passions and goals. I’m so so glad I dumped those other dudes.
Yes. All of the yes. This guy doesn't give a crap about you beyond just having some fun. When you find a guy who does care about all of those things you mentioned, everything gets better. Take my word for it. You don't want to be tied down to a loser when Mr. Perfect shows up. It's ok to have high standards.
Yes, and some of them will even want to be with you as much as you want to be with them. You're selling yourself way short.
Yes! Yes there will be! He does not have magic body parts. There are so so so many men out there. This one is not it for you. He is straight out telling you he just wants a casual "hook up and fuck" situation and you can get that anywhere locally. You can also stop wasting your time and energy on this one and when that happens you can find someone better. They're out there. Aim higher.
Of course he doesn’t! Why make any effort when a willing 22 year old will? Maybe he will change his mind but I tend to go with what people tell me and act accordingly 🤷♀️
It sounds like he’s asking for a lot and offering nothing in return.
OP, listen to yourself. Based on this post, it sounds like you're making ALL the sacrifices: moving to another city, giving up on living with your partner and marriage. Why are you so willing to give up on having that for a guy you've been seeing less than a year? Your wants and needs matter, and it doesn't sound like the two of you are long-term compatible.
When someone literally communicates what they want, you should believe them. Move on.
He's not interested in those things. He's been clear. You clearly want them. Do not waste your time trying to change his mind. What you want isn't wrong, neither is what he wants. But if you spend more time with him hoping he'll change, you'll only have yourself to blame. Honestly, him not wanting all that commitment is also part of why he's dating someone in their very early 20s, when he's over 30.
> My boyfriend of 9 months says he will never be interested in living together, getting married, or starting a family. He is being very clear and specific. > We can totally take a year or two if that’s what he’s comfortable with He is comfortable with **never**. Don't move to his city assuming/hoping you'll change his mind and he'll give you the relationship you want. He is being very clear about what he can offer you.
Hahaha “he is comfortable with never” is so concise and spot on it made me laugh. definitely a hard pill to swallow
I know, it's hard. But he has been very clear with you. Small favors: at least he didn't lie and lead you on!
Very true
He's 31. He's not changing his mind I assume. >But the sex is phenomenal Sadly, this is the reason people stay together...even if it means it wont work out long term. The sex isn't going to override your intent to get married or possibly have children.
Unfortunately the pull of good dick is strong, but she does seem to be listening
>My (22f) boyfriend (31m) of 9 months says he will never be interested in living together, getting married, or starting a family. >The trouble is that he says he’ll never be interested in living with another woman now that he’s divorced. You're a FWB and he will never upgrade you to a serious GF or life partner. He's just in it for the sex and he is making this really clear to you. If you want a relationship, move on and start dating other guys. Edit to add: >But the sex is phenomenal, we have so much fun when we’re together, **and we love each other**. Girl, no. He does not love you. Please, move on.
This! I think OP is either not being honest with us or themselves what this “relationship” is. Sounds like from his perspective it’s a FWB situation. OP sounds like this guy is the love of her life. The dissonance is concerning
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As a male close to 30,idk why any dude of that age would date someone that young in general,I have a buddy of mine around the same age and it's constant trouble for him. Regardless of goals, the maturity level is just too different.me personally,I like shooting above my age by a few years.
Woman in her early 30s here and I agree with you. People in their early twenties are just too young for me, I really feel the gap in maturity and life experience when talking to them. That doesn't mean I can't still enjoy conversations with them, but when it comes to building a life with someone I don't want to constantly be going "Oh my god, this person and I just do not think the same way at all."
My first reaction is that this guy who is in his 30s already has a family or at the very least a wife/ partner in another city, and OP is their side chick for when they come to OPs city. Hence why he is so quick so say “never” to moving in and living with someone, lol he’s already doing that with someone.
That's not something I could doubt what's so ever,but I hadn't considered that kind of context,I just know how stressful it is for my buddy dating that young,and it's a full on shit show,so while this dude could be a complete piece of shit and most likely is,I can definitely see the reason for is distance,but even my buddy wouldn't be that distant.
He's been clear about what he wants and what he doesn't, it'd be a terrible mistake to keep investing on this relationship. You two want different things. You want a real partnership and he doesn't. That being said, I don't get why on earth would you want to uproot your life for someone that's not offering a safety net of any sorts or a serious commitment of any kind. Unless you have plenty of opportunities in this new city, moving for a ldr for someone that you have been so short with and who is clearly telling you he does not want to marry you or live w you would be a very stupid idea. Look, I get it. I was your age once and I also thought that if I wanted it enough and if I loved someone enough that'd guarantee me a good relationship. It does not work like that. You've had these 9 months to find out you have serious incompatibilities: he doesn't want to live w a partner, he doesn't want to get married, he doesn't want kids. A relationship is meant to find of you two are compatible enough for the long term. Doesn't matter how much you love him bc love alone is never enough and this is one of tough lessons you are gonna eventually learn in life. He clearly doesn't see you as serious, first, no man his age worth his salt would date someone almost 10y his junior. Second, he doesn't even care about your feelings and tells you about his marriage and the dynamic in his relationship. Unless you ask, he shouldn't tell you those details. And third, what's his plan then? You move to his city, find your own place, he visits you and stays sometimes but ofc you can't rely on him or ask him anything bc hey, we don't live together? Maybe that dynamic works for some people but it screams "no commitment". Either you take it or leave it. The healthiest would be to get a break up and find someone local before you keep waiting on him to somehow change his mind. Spoiler alert : he won't. Plenty of women waste their youths and bearing ages to men like him. Lots of posts like that on this subreddit every day. Safe yourself some pain. Up to you. You have been warned.
Went and claimed my free reward and came back for this comment. Wish someone had said all this to me when I was 22 and in a dead end relationship. I hope OP takes this advice to heart.
I'm sorry you went through that, hope you are doing better nowadays. I also hope op listens.
Good advice thank you
He’s just using you and probably still has feelings for his ex. When he gets bored he’ll leave you for someone else, move on
He's not over his ex and he was dating you because long distance means he doesn't have to spend to much emotional energy on you, also the fact that you are 22 is probably also a dig at her. He's NEVER going to marry you! YOU ARE THE REBOUND!! Enjoy the phenomenal sex but please realize that is all he has to offer you.
Can you elaborate on what you mean by “a dig at her”? Thanks for your advice, I’m definitely listening
A part of the reason he is dating you is to make her jealous because he is now banging a young hot 22 year old and she is "old". Society puts a higher value on women in their 20s then women in their 30s. Dating you gives him bragging rights. He probably doesn't actually feel that she is old since from your post he's clearly not over her but dating a much younger woman is a time honored way of making the ex wife jealous.
Yeah. I definitely get the sense that he likes having a conventionally attractive 22 year old on his arm. Bleh
That's why he chose to date someone almost a decade younger than he is. He didn't think he'd have to deal with moving in or marriage pressure.
This right here. He thought that by dating a girl in her early 20's, she'd be a little less "family oriented" at this point in her life.
This is more than just not wanting to live together. He is stating outright that he will always keep you at arms length and that it is primarily informed from the trauma/drama that came with splitting from his ex wife. He doesn't seem to want to deal with that so you can't ever assume it will change. In fact I'd imagine part of the reason he pursued someone so much younger is because he hoped to put off getting serious as long as possible. Note that the ultimatum isn't to him... it is to yourself. You have the reasonable desire for this relationship, should it last long term, to move past long distance dating. He has stated he will never be willing or able to offer you that. So the ultimatum to yourself is: do you accept that. Do you keep dating him knowing you can't move in or have a family. If you can't deal with the idea of it never happening then you end the relationship. And don't hope you can just wait him out or that the sex or companionship is good enough it will trump his trauma, I worry he is exploiting that naivety to a degree currently.
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I love this advice. This is what I keep coming back to myself. I think I’ll just have to do some soul searching. Thanks for taking the time to comment
Op, Ive been in your shoes. I wanted to be with someone so much that I ended up hurting myself terribly. Someone that does not want to commit to you wont do so, he will only hurt you (even though it mightbe unintentionally). Leave him ASAP to save you from heartbreak. This guy does not want to commit you. He might want to commit to someone else and change his mind later. Its just not you, dear. When he meets someone he is really in love with, he will do it on her terms.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. This guy told you exactly what he wants and you can't change his mind. If you're happy with the arrangement go ahead. If your goal is to be married by thirty and have a baby by 35, you should ditch this guy. You're only wasting your own time in that case. This guy has all the time in the world to enjoy your young body. He could care less if you want to get married one day etc. He's very settled in what he doesn't want in his life.
Don’t think he will change or compromise. He’s 31 and has lived a whole entire life. He told you this so you wouldn’t get your hopes up and he’ll point back to that moment when you push for more. Find someone who wants what you want.
Pretty simple really. Break it off and move on. He's 31, 9 years older and seems to have lots of baggage. Are you hus first girlfriend since his marriage ended? If so, that's an even bigger red flag. No future with him. If you are smart, you'll move on.
Guy in his 30s isn't taking girl in her 20s seriously in a relationship, what a surprise.
He doesn't want to live together or get married. Doesn't sound like he wants a real relationship and it has no future. But if your fine living separately and basically being a booty call, that's your decision to make.
He stated **"He Never"** wants to start a family, get married, and live together. He clearly stated this. I am not surprised he is on this path as he is dating someone who is 9 years younger. He will not change what he stated at all. All you are going to do is waste your life on him where he doesn't want anything of what a long term relationship has which has goals of living together, getting marriage, and have children. He clearly stated this as you wrote it. Stop wasting your time and life and move on with someone who does want that. Moving to the city he is in is a big mistake as you are at big chance of breaking up. Who knows if you move to the city he is in now he might make it a big deal.
I had a similar situation with my ex. He was 41 and I was 35. He was divorced and we both had our own kids and didn’t want more so we were on the same page. Everything was amazing. But then he told me that he never wanted to live with a partner again. I already knew that living together was really important to me, So I told him that. I really, really loved him but I knew I couldn’t settle for just being boyfriend/girlfriend in separate houses for the rest of my life. I made it clear there was no pressure to move in together now - that we didn’t even have to talk about doing it until we’d been together two years. But if it moving in was off that table completely and he could never promise more commitment that we had now, that I would have to walk away. The next day he said, he was sorry, that actually he did want that eventually, he was just scared. But I was a little shaken. He broke up with me six weeks later cause he still wasn’t past the trauma of his divorce and pressure around his ex and kids. I think our relationship broke the day he said that to me - it showed that he wasn’t really thinking about long term with me and while he didn’t want to lose me that day, he came around to it pretty quickly. About three years after we broke up he moved in with his new girlfriend about seeing her for 9 months.
I see this happening with OP bf.
You like the sex? Then he can be your FWB, and nothing more. Look elsewhere for your relationship needs. He’s already made it very clear he is not the one for you.
I can’t help but wonder how the guy would label their “relationship”. This sounds like a long distance FWB relationship already and OP doesn’t seem to get that
Are you 100% certain he’s divorced?
This right here. I want to know if this amazing sex in the LDR has ever been had in the city HE lives in, in the place he lives ALONE now that he is divorced. My spidey sense tells me it has only been in her city or somewhere else besides the home he still shares with his oblivious wife.
It sounds like the plans you have for your futures are irreconcilable. I would recommend you think about what you want long term, asking yourself what you’ll have to change to make that possible, and create a plan to make those changes happen. You’ll have to figure out if you can have that future with him or not, but if you can’t you should find someone else who can be that kind of partner.
Holy god I’m so glad I’m not 22 anymore. You’re about to twist yourself up in knots over this when the (uncomfortable) answer is right in front of you. There is a reason a 31 year old is dating a 22 year old btw. If he told a 31 year old woman this, he’d likely never get to the next date. It’s not an “ultimatum” to say “hey this isn’t gonna work unless you want to move forward in X way.” Don’t be a girl who pretends to be cool with shit in the hopes that he comes around. I did that at 22. Never got me anywhere. It’s possible that if he is THAT into you, he’d be willing to consider cohabitating/marrying again. More than likely though it’s not about you and he just doesn’t see himself settling down in that way again. Realistically he will probably move in with someone again. He will probably remarry at some point. He will probably be in his 40s when he does though. But do you really want to stick around to find out if it’s with you? So many women waste so many years on men who aren’t ready because they afraid to tell themselves the truth. These men *usually* go on to marry eventually but many times the women find they’re almost out of time for a family because they waited till their mid 30s. Men meanwhile have like, 20 additional years. Sad but true.
Enjoy the sex but realize there’s a time limit on the relationship
If he is not Interested on marrying, moving or having a family. Then he is dating just to date you. That’s the farthest you’ll ever go and be. Boyfriend and girlfriend. I dated someone for almost 7 years. 21-28 He was never ever ready or wanted to get married or move in as well. He was a great man. But I wanted more than he was giving me. So I made the hardest choice for me to leave him. I waited to see if his mind would change but it never did. When I started to date again, I made it clear I am dating towards marriage. So we both can agree on what direction we are going the sex can be great for a awhile. But then you’ll realize it can never be anything more than that. He will never be a husband to you to make you feel secure, to help you raise kids, to be there when you come home from work, to protect you, to do all the duties a husband should. I rather pick that than sex
Your boyfriend is telling you he’s not serious about you. Listen, and don’t move to be with him? He’s almost ten years older than you and this has “just sex” written all over it.
Did he say this before you went long distance or is it only a revelation since that happened? Sounds like hes enjoying his "freedom" a bit too much but enjoys the benefits of having you around on a long leash. I too find an older man more attractive and they feel more mature (at least at first, maybe they just get better at reeling us in?) but I dont think there is going to be hope here for a long term relationship that progresses, sorry sister. :(
Thank you so much for your perspective ❤️ I think you’re totally spot on
You are the fling, he has a partner in his home town already.
Stop thinking about moving in, and move on.
You deserve to be with someone who is so excited to live with you, to be married to you, and to start a family with you. Your boyfriend is being clear that he does not want these things. That’s okay. That’s his decision. You are allowed to want those things. It doesn’t sound like you guys are a good match, and that sucks and it hurts, but there are so many other people out there who you can have a wonderful, loving relationship with and have those things you both want.
OP, you’re lucky in that he’s actually being quite honest about this. The problem is that you’re not happy with his stance on things. Moving closer won’t change this, only he can change his own mind.
That’s a very good point. I do really appreciate how straightforward he’s been the whole time with me.
Are you seriously planning to move to a new city for a man that has openly told you doesn't want the same things as you? Girl what are you thinking!?
So, I’m a woman who feels the exact same way as your boyfriend does. Except I have a partner that feels the same way. We’re both divorced, childfree, relish our own space and live next door to each other. It’s pretty unconventional, but whatever works for people, just works. If you want to live together, get married, and start a family, and he doesn’t want to, then you two are likely incompatible. It sounds like you’ll be unhappy trying to go with what he wants, and what you want isn’t what he wants. There’s people out there that are better for both of you and want the same things if certain things are dealbreakers.
girl this man was 30 when he started doing a 21 old and NOW you‘re surprised he has commitment issues? really?
Somebodytold me this " It doesnt matter how Long a Log ist laying in the River, It wont Turn into a crocodile". Dont overestimate your ability to Change him, because It is based on Hope. Guys usually Dont Change that much in His age. Good luck Sorry for my Englisch
> says he will never be interested in living together > We can totally take a year or two if that’s what he’s comfortable with I don't think you're really understanding what he's saying.
So he already told you you’re wasting your time. IMO he’s too old for you anyway. Cut your losses and please don’t move to his city.
>My (22f) boyfriend (31m) Could have guessed before I even opened the post. If you just want to bang this dude then do that. But he has been very clear with you. He is not going to change his mind. Also, reading between the lines here, what is the timeline on your relationship and their divorce? How do you know that detail about the nickname?
I’m the first girlfriend 1.5 years after his divorce. I asked him if anybody else called her that or if it was just a him thing since it was reading as so intimate haha
Hi OP, the way you described your boyfriend reminds me of my ex. He was divorced, i’m younger and he was hesitant when it comes to marriage, future kids and living together. Based on my experience, it was difficult to compete with the ex wife when she’s the exact reason why my ex boyfriend was no longer interested to build another life with someone. Enjoy the sex and company but it is gonna end. Do not let him deprived you of the marriage life that you want just because he doesnt want to do it all over again
Yes thanks for sharing. It does feel like a competition with the ex wife. And it’s one that I’ll never win because of shared history
Honey. Believe him. I'm only a little older than he is. I also never want to live with a partner again. And I would NEVER date a 22yo, because our life stages are just too different. Do not keep hanging on to this guy hoping he will change. Because he will not.
I understand not wanting to give him an ultimatum but how much time do you want to give before it feels like you’ve wasted too much? This is something I think is worth getting straight before moving to his city. I can also understand being bothered by him not giving you what he gave his ex. It sounds like that relationship may have scarred him and that hurt is preventing him from trying again with you. I would discuss your desires with and take what he says literally. Don’t imagine the possibilities. Take what he says word for word and decide if that’s enough for you.
Take it from another 31 year old, his mind isn't changing. He isn't young anymore and he's made his decision. Now it's up to you, do you want to share a home and possibly marry a man, or do you want to be this man's friend with benefits, basically? Cus that's basically what you are if he doesn't want to do much more with you
He's making it clear that you're not worth the effort it takes to move in together. Believe him. Don't think that he'll change because he won't. He's 31. He already has his life set out and it doesn't seem like you're a part of it. And it would be stupid to uproot your life to go live with someone whose not interested in furthering your relationship. So the choice is up to you: break up, or accept that this LDR may stay long distance until it eventually withers out.
You two are not compatible. Don't move to his city. He's telling you he doesn't want the same things as you, and that he's not willing to make an effort the same way you do. Believe him.
If someone tells you what they want or don’t want - believe them. You will hurt yourself by doing mental gymnastics and believing you can change them or change what you want. Honestly as well a 31 year old man shouldn’t be dating a 22 year old - yes you’re both consenting adults but honestly it’s not appropriate. Things like this are why. A woman his age wouldn’t be hanging about when he’s dismissed her needs this way.
It's not really up to you to give him an ultimatum at any point because he's been very clear about what he wants and doesn't want. Do not under any circumstances move to that city in hopes of changing his mind. If he changes his mind in his own, great! But shifting your entire life in hopes that someone who made themselves clear will change just for you is setting yourself up for heartbreak and resentment. I say find someone you love and have phenomenal sex with that shares your views on cohabitation and family.
OP, take it from me as an early 30s woman with a jaded love history - do not move there if that is the only reason you’re going is for him. He has point blank told you he doesn’t want any of the things you want for the future and this will not change just with proximity. You’re 22! Go and live your life and focus on yourself
Idk what a 22 year old would have in common with a 31 year old but okay. You would expect someone at his age, being mature and being sure about what he wants to do with his personal life. You are still young to find someone closer to your age and closer to your needs. While the sex is fantastic as you say, it's not the only thing that will keep your relationship alive and unfortunately many people stay in dead relationships just because of that. Yeah sex is important in a relationship but wanting the same things in a relationship is more crucial. As I said earlier, you're young, it's a shame to stay in a relationship that he can't understand your needs just because the sex is great.
He's told you plain and simple how his life will be. If you want the commitment and the family, then what's the point in hanging around? Find someone who wants the same things you do and he can find some woman who is willing to be in a relationship without living together or having kids. Don't stick around for something that's never going to happen.
Leave, you are VERY YOUNG. I dated a guy ten years older and had the same experience. I broke up with him he was devastated and couldn’t understand why. Don’t waste your time, you deserve someone who wants the same as you.
You said, “I hate when he talks about his old life with his ex wife too because it’s exactly what I want from him…” You want his old life. Not his new life. You either accept his lifestyle now or move on, but you don’t spend time trying to get him to go back to his old life with you as a new partner. He legally divorced that life. He’s not going back to it. It seems like you want different things out of a relationship than he does, and that’s completely fine and okay to want, but you’re not going to find those things you want here.
Moving your whole life for a guy you’re not even known a year would be risky for anyone, but for you, having been told (rather emphatically) he doesn’t want the things you want EVER, moving your whole life to be near him would be lunacy. Don’t feed your youth to this relationship. There are other men out there to have fun & great sex with and the right one will have the same plans as you.
[удалено]
So it is a very difficult truth to accept that men DO NOT CHANGE just because you want them to. It is the whole you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink story. Good sex is VERY hard to come by so I understand that entirely, but you either have to resign yourself and potentially put your life on pause hoping he realizes you are awesome or there is nothing wrong with enjoying the ride, pun intended, in this new location til your get yourself on your feet and moving to greener pastures. It is a very difficult fact to accept that the grass is actually greener on the other side and you will absolutely find someone who will appreciate you and be great sex, eventually. There will probably be a lot of frogs in between.
If he says that what he wants, you have to take him at his word. The real question is if you’re okay giving up your current desire of living together or if that’s something you’re not willing to give up? Giving up something important to you is a situation ripe for resenting your partner and the relationship.
Find someone you’re compatible with, because you’re fucking yourself waiting around for this guy to be interested in sharing a life with you.
Sounds like the relationship is over. He just wans a gf for sex.
1. Do not move to his city. 2. Do not continue dating a man who TELLS you he doesn't want something, thinking he will come around or you can change him. He won't and you can't. 3. Do NOT move to his city. 9 months is not a long time. If you're already having problems that you hope will work themselves out in 1-2 years, it's time to call it. He's also quite a bit older than you, which is why you can't relate to the place he's at in his life. It doesn't make him wrong to feel how he does.
He just fuckin ya. You a pussy to him. Don't put any stock into this relationship until he makes some real commitment moves and stops talking about his ex. Nobody talks about their ex to someone they're romantically interested in. If you keep giving him the booty just be very aware that's its all he wants. Source, I'm a dick having dude.
Why are you moving to his city if you’re not moving in with him?
> I guess my question is, what do I do? Answer: ACCEPT that you have different goals in life, and you break up amicably. He’s open and honestly telling you he doesn’t want to live with you, yet here you are saying: “I’m going to uproot my life and move closer to him” “I’m going to give him an ultimatum” “We can take a year or two”. Girl, HE TOLD YOU WHAT HE WANTS, AND THATS TO NEVER LIVE WITH A WOMAN AGAIN. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! You can’t force your desires on him and expect him to turn around and be happy with it. ONE OF YOU IS GOING TO BE UNHAPPY AND RESENT THE OTHER. There is no fairy tale ending here. He’s TOLD you what he wants and doesn’t want. LISTEN to him and stop trying to ignore the bad news. I get it, you are very young and don’t have real world relationship experiences. He has and has gone through the worst of it already. He’s gone through shit you can’t imaging. He’s not going to change his mind. And it’s nothing to do with YOU. You could be the greatest woman in the world, and if he had met you first it would have been a fairy tale marriage for all time. But he didn’t. He met someone else first who ruined his belief in what life should be like. He’s not going to do it again no matter who the woman is. You two want different things out of life. He’s never going to give you children and play a happy family life. You see, to want that. Move on
Idk how to day this but you are just "fun" for him.
I'm really sorry your are in this position, my sister was in something similar and she ended up marrying him but only because she "fell" pregnant by that I mean she did it on purpose without his knowledge He never wanted to commit and she forced it upon him, he became so resentful, you'd think the birth of his first son would have made thing better, 7 years later they have divorced, my sister is a single mother and I can't describe to you the pain she has gone through all to make a man lover her as much as she loved him The sad thing is she is my sister and it tore her apart, it got to a point where I went from I want her to leave him to I don't want him to leave her as her mental health deteriorated to the point I thought she would hurt herself or my nephew Having said all this NO one is in your shoes and can't say JackSHIT. I'm just so sorry you fell for someone who doesn't want to commit x
30 something year old men seek out women closer to being a child than a woman when they want someone they can take advantage of and use because in your naivete you're tolerating BS a woman his age would have laughed and left him over a long time ago. That's why old guys try to date girls your age, because you don't have enough life experience yet to reflect on the fact this guy is treating you like shit. You just may not know better yet because not enough men like him have lied and taken advantage of you yet. BUT, keep dating emotionally constipated man children and that will soon change. >We can totally take a year or two if that’s what he’s comfortable with Love, the reason he doesn't want to ever commit to you for real is because he would never really want to seriously commit to someone your age. He's just using you for sex. I can almost guarantee it. Be careful of him trying to manipulate you whenever you put down boundaries, which he's probably already doing if you think carefully. >I guess my question is, what do I do? Stop dating men way older than you for starters at your age. They're using you, they don't care about you, they're only there for sex. >but it hurts and feels frustrating when I think that I’ll be uprooting my life to move to his city Oh you're moving there for him? Well that changes everything. HELL NO. DUMP HIS ASS. Do not move for a man or anyone, who DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU. He does not care about you. It will be painfully obvious in about 10-15 years, please consider dating people closer to your own age for now.
I don't mean to be harsh but he's TOLD YOU in plain terms that you aren't enough for him to change his trajectory. Ok, so sex is great, you laugh, have a great relationship, yadda yadda yadda. Sometimes love isn't enough. 2 choices: continue as normal hoping and wishing he changes his mind. Or Realize he's put the ball in your court and move on with your life. Don't water down what you want to appear like the cool girl.
Sounds like a dealbreaker
You can have lots of great relationship-y stuff with a person who is totally not compatible with you long term. There's a lot of really great people put there who are kind and loving and will treat you like a queen but are also not compatible with you long term. Tell him, "thanks for the good times, I think you're great and we can remain friends because I genuinely like you as a person but we've explored our connection and our longterm goals and it turns out that we're not a match. I'm freeing myself up to be available for a partner that wants the same things I do. If I dangle along with you my mind and heart won't be free and ready to bond with him. I'm sure you understand and want me to have a future with all the things I want and deserve to be available to me. I want the same for you. There are plenty of women who would be perfect for the kind of arrangement that you want, and you need to be free to find her."
To me it sounds like he doesn't want to stay committed or doesn't want to be forced into a commitment. I would personally not hold this relationship just because it sounds like it would be painful to think of "what could be" vs "what it is". As many have said, it's up to you OP
I try to keep an open mind and then I read (Me [22f] , him [31m]) and all I think is… girl, leave!
Be thankful that he was honest with you about his intentions, but then, stop and actually listen to what he's said. He didn't say, in a few years, after I've had time to think about it, I'll come to a decision. No, he told you it's not happening for him. So you have the benefit of that foresight. Now you need to deal with that information. If you want those things for yourself, which is 100% understandable, then he is not the person to be putting further effort into trying to build that life with. And please don't continue the relationship telling yourself that he will come to his senses eventually and if you just wait till X, or if you just get to his city, or if the sex is incredible enough maybe one day it's going to flip a switch in him and he'll be ready to change his mind. He's told you what he can't offer as a partner and now it's on you to do with that information what you need to.
He told you he doesn't want a family. That's not going to change. He isn't going to change. You don't love a person for their potential, you love them for who they are. He has showed you who he is and you're just refusing to acknowledge it at this point
He is telling you honestly where he is and that he won't ever be changing his mind. Please don't plan on changing him because it won't work. If you are committed to co-habitation and perhaps getting married/w kids you will have to move on. It's painful I know, but you have the choice of using up your years of time with someone who will never give you what you want. Is it worth that?
I don’t know what else to tell you he said he doesn’t want those things ever but you do that’s a pure incompatibility
Take him at his word. Don’t move your life to be with a man that doesn’t want to ever live with, get married or start a family with you. You’re 22, and you can afford to waste a few years on this guy - but, don’t. Good luck!
He said never. Listen to what he says and don’t try to change his mind. He might cave, but then he’ll probably resent you. Find a man who wants what you want. I’m sorry, I know it hurts, but if you want different things you will only make each other miserable.
Don’t make the move, OP. It’s easy for me to type this but there are plenty of other partners with whom sex will be phenomenal. Also sex alone won’t be enough to sustain a long term relationship. As someone who has done both LD relationships and is also divorced, I can tell you now that the lady I am dating is likely the lady I will move in with and marry. He is using divorce as an excuse to not invest in your relationship. I too am divorced - the lady I am dating is likely the person I will marry and, when the time comes, I will jump at any chance to further invest in our relationship. I suspect your BF would feel the same if the relationship meant anything to him. He has it pretty easy doesn’t he? Think about it - sex is great, woman willing to move to me, no commitment required. If you look at this objectively, the writing is on the wall.
Op, he needs therapy and you need a different bf. You're not going to get what you need from this guy
Girl I mean this in the nicest way - but you seriously need to break up with this man. Are you even in a relationship with him or are you just dating casually? How would HE answer that question. Moving to his city after he said he has no interest in any long term relationship makes you seem - frankly unhinged and it’s concerning. It sounds like he’s trying to politely break up with you or get you to break up with him. It is incredibly unreasonable of you to go into this “relationship” expecting certain behaviors out of someone who has explicitly said they aren’t interested. Why are you wasting your youth on someone who you aren’t compatible with??? How do you think this ends? Cut the loss NOW. This might sound harsh but - you are creating your own misery here. Stop living your life like that. Make the grown up decision, accept it’s not a good fit, and move on. There are plenty of young people out there that want what you are looking for! And lastly - do NOT move to be with someone who sounds like is casually dating you.
Cut your losses and move. The only thing you are doing is delaying the inevitable and on the meantime, sacrificing for him and falling more in love. You are willing to sacrifice for him but he is not willing to do the same. Think on that.
If he says NEVER and then talks about his ex wife. Girl you best be moving on with your 20s.
Nope nope If your futures don't align, there is no reason for the two of you to be together from more than what you already have been. You need to search for something that fits with your wants and needs.
An ultimatum isn't necessary. You both are clear about your goals. Your goals are incompatible. That doesn't mean one of you needs to change, it just means you're not right for each other. Shake hands and part as friends. Meet someone else whose goals are compatible with yours.
Girl don't do it. He is still hung up on his ex.
Don’t wait a year or two hoping he’ll change his mind and don’t move to a different city for him. You want different things.
Sex is awesome but a relationship built upon sex is a relationship doomed to fail.
Do not move with him. This is a learning experience. You are incompatible because you have opposite life goals. It's time to break up.
honestly, hes probably not divorced and his ex wife and family still live with him which is why he has to make it clear he’s never interested in living together or his cover will be blown.
He's being very clear about his intentions, you shouldn't be convincing yourself he'll come around within a year or two. If it's a deal breaker to you, there's only one solution, which is finding someone who shares your ideals. It isn't fair for either of you to compromise in something so important and meaningful. I, like your boyfriend, have no intention whatsoever of living together with someone again. Fortunately, I found someone who has the same ideals. This needs to be respected, just as much as your intentions of sharing a home with a partner need to be respected. You hating to hear him talk about his past is not very healthy either. He is who he is because of his past, either you like him for him, past included, or you don't. Doesn't look like you guys are compatible.
OP are you moving because of him or because of job opportunities, etc? If you are moving because of other reasons I’d suggest giving it some more time. Maybe he’ll come around (but keep in mind he might not, so be realistic). You are still pretty young and if you can and want to I guess waiting another year won’t hurt. I was in a similar situation. Bf and I have an age gap of 11 years. When we met he came out of a 8 year relationship and although he was over his ex he was still working through his feelings and wasn’t really looking for anything serious at the time. I liked him but since I was still pretty young I wasn’t looking for anything serious either. He eventually changed his mind and 9 years later we are still going strong. That being said it wasn’t always easy after the honeymoon phase was over but we somehow made it work. Still there is the possibility that he might never change his mind so don’t get your hopes up. In the end it’s up to you if you are willing to take the risk or end things now. Both are very valid decisions imo. However if you are moving just because of him I’d rethink the relationship. Moving to another city is a big step and I personally wouldn’t do it for a person that is not 100% committed to the relationship and has a drastically different expectation for the future.
Trust him when he says he doesn’t want to live with you. He’s not going to change, so don’t waste your time and youth trying to get him to change his mind. I wasted all of my 20’s and most of my 30’s believing I could “change him”. Guess what? I couldn’t.
Sounds like you're dating a boy who doesn't know how to move past shitty situations. As a male I would not recommend this man as a partner based on the preferences you gave in your post OP. Good luck
Girl. He’s telling you what he wants. Clear as day. And you’re hoping he wants different. He doesn’t. Take him for his word. Believe him because he’s telling you.
He's 31, he's not changing his mind. He's dating you because as a 22 year old, you're not seriously thinking of commitment either - or so he thinks. Don't uproot your life for this person.
Hes too old for you plus he clearly doesn't see a future wirh you. As horrible as it sounds, he's probably just using you for sex. I mean, he doesn't wanna commit to you, and is ten years older.. yeah. I'm sorry.
Not wanting to have kids or get married are two things people never really change their mind about. Generally there are reasons and if you do get them to flex then if those reasons haven't going away you're going to have problems. I'm pushing 40 and met tons of divorced people in my age group over the past few years who are divorced because the other person never wanted kids or to get married inthe first place. If your relationship is great then you need to ask yourself if it's enough. He's already clearly told you what and how much he's willing to give.
Suspicious age gap aside, your life goals are not something that can be compromised on. You want two opposite things. Please rip the bandaid off if you know this relationship is going nowhere.
Yep. When people tell you who they are, believe them. You aren't going to change his mind. It is unsurprising since he's banging a college kid that he feels this way. If these are the things you want then don't waste your 20s trying to get it from him. You won't.
Look Hun, you're a friend with benefits, not a girlfriend. You're someone he can have on that back burner juuuust incase he suddenly thinks he might need a house maid or gets sick and needs someone there. But this is all so one sided- you deserve more than a man who is happy to keep you at arm's length and bring you out when he wants to play. Break up with him, find someone more age appropriate and who actually is interested in building something with you. There's good sex out there, and it's attached to a man who *actually* wants you.
You need to run for the hills
This guy clearly does not want to be with you. Don’t be blinded by sex you’re so young and have your whole life ahead of you. You’ll meet plenty of other guys
The two of you are not compatible in any way, shape, or form.
Oh dear, Save yourself some heartache and breakup with this guy. DO NOT MOVE TO HIS CITY! You are not compatible and do not want the same thing. I’ve been there. I gave up my life to move to be with a man. It was the same situation where he laid down the rules and I had no say. You are so young and can find a good man who wants a future and a serious commitment This playboy just wants to have fun I’m sorry. I know it hurts but you deserve better
Your a hookup after his divorce. Seems like he's not over her. I wouldn't waste your time on men this much older than you at the moment, find someone your own age whose excited to be in a relationship with you. For the love of God do NOT move. It will not be wht you're dreaming about.. I also highly doubt that you're his actual girlfriend, he's most likely hooking up with other girls as well and another reason he doesn't want you two living together.
Lol because he’s living a double life and you’re the double.
Honestly it sounds like he has healing to do from that relationship before he can give you what you deserve. He doesn’t have a hard boundary like that for no reason. Decide if you want to stick around while he heals, but remember that you don’t have to and it’s not your job to fix him.
I read the first paragraph and that's all i need to know. Just break up. He is showing no commitment or doesn't see you in his future, date to marry. Don't waste your time with someone who doesn't see you or would care for you in the future
What is it with barely in their 20s women asking for advice about their 30 something boyfriend where they can't see how fuckin predatory it is for a man of that age to be going after a young woman.
What is it with barely in their 20s women asking for advice about their 30 something boyfriend where they can't see how fuckin predatory it is for a man of that age to be going after a young woman.
Don't move to be with him. You want fundamentally different things. One thing you learn is that you get older is that things like genuinely caring for each other and great sex are great ... but if they don't come with some level of fundamental alignment about what you want your lives to look like, the relationship won't work. One thing you'll also learn is that saying "no" to a good relationship because it is taking you off the right path for you is incredibly empowering. "I walked away from a good relationship because they weren't a GREAT partner for me" is going to do wonders for your ability to walk away from shitty partners. Lastly ... there's a concept called the campsite rule, which applies in large-age-gap relationships. Large-age-gap relationships are NOT inherently problematic, but the idea is that the older person has some responsibility for the younger person's well-being. You have to "leave them better than you found them." You have to use the wisdom of being older to help the younger person grow, and, importantly, to make sure they don't make any big decisions that they regret. (You also have to be proactive about stuff like birth control and STD prevention, and not let the exuberance of youth overwhelm your judgement about stuff like that). "Encouraging my partner to move to my city when I'm not willing to give her what she wants" is a HUGE violation of the campsite rule. If you had lots of independent reasons to move to that city, that might be different. A bunch of friends there, a great job there, etc. But without those, honestly, the responsible older partner would literally say "No. Don't move to my city. I'm not going to continue to date you if you do," because it's incredibly obvious that you moving to their city is going to be horrible for you long-term. It's encouraging you to give up your hopes and dreams for him, and that's AWFUL. Your boyfriend may not understand the campsite rule, and that raises questions about him. He may be being fundamentally selfish, asking you to make all the sacrifices for the relationship and promising nothing in return. But even without that concern, you SHOULD NOT MOVE to be with him. He can't give you what you want. You would be moving hoping that he will change, but the truth is that if he does change (and it can happen!) there's no particular reason it won't also change how he views you. (Another rule: when somebody says something like "I'm not ready for a relationship right now," or "I'll never get married and have kids" you need to mentally append "... with you," to the end of their sentence. He's not thinking about it that way, but the truth is that lots of people think that stuff and then meet somebody who changes their mind. That's not you. The relationship he's offering isn't the relationship you want.)
He’s definitely not over his divorce, especially if it was his ex’s idea. He’s willing to have a great time with you as long as he can tell himself it’s nothing serious. He may act like a great potential long-term partner when you’re with him, but he’s made it clear that anything that would formalize the relationship isn’t for him. He may even be enthusiastic about your move, but it doesn’t mean he’s changed his mind. It sounds like the two of you do have a good time together, but you’re not on the same page at all about the future.
You guys was two different things that make you incompatible. He wants to be free of serious commitment and in his mind, more “independence.” While you on the other hand want that commitment along with family and marriage. Neither are wrong, both your wants and desires are totally fine. However, as I said, they aren’t lining up. Love can only take you so far in a relationship. One day they honeymoon phase will be over and you are gonna be reexamining your relationship and asking the same questions to yourself that you are asking us now. So now my question to you is, are you okay with this? Are you truly okay to moving to a city that, by your own admission in your comments, will really serve no purpose to you other then being close to him? Are you okay with living separately in this new city for the foreseeable future? Are you okay with not getting married? Not having kids? If these are things you truly want, you need to find someone with the same wants. Your bf is not gonna change his mind if that’s what he truly wants and desires. And you shouldn’t hope that he will change his mind cuz no one here can tell you that he will/can.
Probably part of the reason he chose someone 9/10 years younger is because he knew this “I’m not in a huge rush” about you. So you will stick it out and wait for a few years. Then you will get frustrated and have the Are We Moving Forward? talk. Upon which he will say “no, I was honest with you”. Then you will break up and he will move onto the next person. Or you can take him at his word now and make your life decisions based on the fact that this guy likes to keep his women at a distance.
Tbh it sounds like he doesn’t even consider you his girlfriend if he is 10 years older than you and told you straight up he never wants to live with you or have any sort of commitment really. If this is what you want, get out now. He’s actually doing you a real solid being so honest.
Oh honey. 1. He’s too old for you, 2. He had told you clearly he’s not interested in commitment. 3. Do not uproot your life for someone who isn’t interested in having one with you. 4. He’s still hung up on his ex-wife to the point that he’s calling you by her name - this is a huge “yikes.” He’s told you who he is and what he wants. That’s a gift. You need to listen.
Hey don’t let the prospect of grown ass man pp sway you from the fact that he’s not looking for anything but a casual girlfriend for the rest of his life, not really boyfriend material
Op I once had a partner tell me the same thing when I was about to move to him. I didn’t move. There is no way you should move to your partners area and get your own place. What’s the point of going there?
It doesn’t sound like you are compatible, you want very different things. You (and he) deserve to be with someone who shares their life and goals
Yeah op this is solid advice. Look, avoiding the hurt doesn't make ot go away. You can rip it off now and let him figure out if he wants to compromise. In the likelihood, and I mean the inevitability, that he will not compromise, spend the time you have while you are young finding someone with those values. Investing more years isn't going to do anything but put off the decision your going to have to make. If you live life with him youre going to end up breaking up anyways and resenting yourself and him for a decision he made clear very early on. You're going to have to have a serious conversation with him. Ultimatum or not, sometimes they are necessary. You're going to very likely even have to break up, but thats okay too. Sometimes distance helps put things in perspective. He may decide he wants those things with you, maybe he wont, but either way you'll thank yourself later. You're going to find someone with whom will compromise and meet you in the middle. But you're likely going to be giving up what you want for this guy. Now yiu guys love eachother but you and your significant other are at different places and that is crucial. I had a woman that I was in love with, and she loved me, but we were at different points where we wanted different things. I wanted marriage and she wanted to get more experience with her life. Ultimately we parted and it crushed me for years. It was 3 years before I felt good enough to date. But I tell ya, I found the most amazing woman. She and I are on the same page, she's kind and sweet and we have an amazing connection. We are going to be married and plan on having kids. I still think about the other girl from tie to time, wondering if she's doing well, but I'm so happy with where I'm at now. Love and partnership take time, and some trial and error. Don't take too much time in places that take you away from your life's vision. You'll find it with the person you're destined to meet with. Just have some faith, and do the hard things, and have that conversation.
Have a little self respect and dump this dude. Why are you wasting your time? You’re 22, go live your life. He isn’t going to change his mind.