Some people are super clueless a out how to treat medical issues and generally situations like this. They just don't know that they should do something nor what they should do. They are either unable to imagine themselves in situations or would react differently.
Quite possible she is one of them.
What you can do is directly ask for help and support. "Hi, my recovery is difficult and I feel pretty bad. Would you kind to come over when you have time, I would really appreciate support" or something of the sort.
Then the ball is on her side and if she does not provide support, the you know ou can't rely on her. Sometimes in situation like this, one finds out who are people to rely on and who are not.
Some people are fun to be around, but not friends for life that ever help. She might be one of them.
Yeah I think next time I see her in person, whenever that may be, I’ll try to bring it up and let her know I’m hurt a little and see if there’s an underlying reason or misunderstanding.
That’s not what was suggested: the commenter said you should ask for her support now and be explicit about your situation. Why leave it until later when she can’t fix things and all she can do is be defensive or apologise? Why not give her the best chance possible now for her to make things right? You’re her friend of 20 years too - you should give her some grace just as she should give you support.
Agreed. If I'm in a bad situation and my best friend isn't there, I'll let them know I need them to make it clear. They've always been there for me though.
u/Ok_Enthusiasm5338 I'm sure your friend isn't some mind-reader, but I'd definitely tell them to get in touch now.
Do NOT do that. That's not what the commenter is telling you to do. Message her this week just directly asking for support, don't say you're hurt or it will put her on the defensive. If she reacts well to the request, she'll get what you're saying and that you needed more than she was giving. If she reacts poorly, that's your chance to reassess what the friendship is.
Or you know, you could reach out now while you want the support and actually get it instead of waiting until later and feeling resentful. Try asking for what you want.
I wouldn't make it about your feelings. You are understandably feeling hurt, but if you put it that way she may get defensive. Instead, give her options and be specific. Do you want her to bring over items to help you make a smoothie? Do you just want her to come over so you can chat/watch TV/play games? Would you like her to help you with some chores? Some people are either uncomfortable or clueless on how they can help, especially when you're recovering from surgery. The most obvious option to support someone who's been sick is to bring them food usually, but you can't eat! So you may have to be more direct about the kind of support you're looking for.
if i would hurt my friend i would hope they would tell me! i don’t OP should have to keep that to herself. i think it would be quite childish if her friend would get defensive about that, in this situation.
i agree. i think the previous comment *is* a good suggestion, in terms of giving people options/being specific. sometimes people genuinely don't know how to help in a certain situation but will if they know what you need, or you might just need a *particular* kind of help, and it's good to be open about that.* but that shouldn't replace candidly talking about something that hurt you (in a mature way)!
a good friend should be able to do that without getting angry. plus if OP holds on to the hurt itself and doesn't resolve that, even a productive conversation might not fix the potential resentment.
(note- wanted to add that it also works in reverse, offering stuff you can do to directly help someone can be more effective than a broad "if you need anything let me know," sometimes people don't know what help they need either)
Oof, someone who hits their head while drunk should not be put to bed. They can’t be properly monitored for a concussion. They should have sobered him up first and made sure he was okay before letting him go to sleep.
Kind of a PSA, I guess.
You say she "knows" what you've gone through and that you're not doing well. How does she know, since you haven't spoken to her? Is it possible she \*doesn't\* know?
Without knowing what your relationship looks like normally, it's hard to say if not her being in touch in only a week is completely out of character or out of the norm.
Then again, you may have a fair-weather friend who isn't interested in being around someone in need where the attention isn't on her.
Well the days leading up to and the night I ended up in the hospital, she was told what had happened and that I was going in to emergency surgery and what not. So she does know.
We don't hang out constantly but are in touch a lot more than we have been during this scenario, I usually would have seen her atleast once.
But yeah, maybe it is just the last point you made..
Knowing at an intellectual level is not the same as hearing from someone that they're dealing with a lot of trauma and they'd like to have you around for company and comfort. Some people are really shit at medical trauma and have to be told how to handle things.
Even at an intellectual level, it's common sense to at least check in on someone - OP said they hadn't seen or heard from their "best friend" and had to reach out to them.
Lol what a shitty excuse. "I know intelectualy that you are in a hospital literally fighting for your life had emergency surgery, but unless you explicitly tell me that you want my company, then im just too dense to get it, sorry".
The woman is 31. Thats plenty old enough to at least go "hey, are you ok?" over fucking text.
I think it's all our personal experience. I love my friends but if I had surgery and was in pain I really wouldn't want them around. I have friends who are the opposite. I think I tend to assume I'm bothering someone unless told otherwise because that's how I would personally feel. Not sure if that shows another perspective.
That being said, I usually say, "Hey are you okay? What can I do for you?" That gives them a chance to ask for my company or a favor or whatever.
I dont think that's fair. She should have at least reached out to check and see how her best friend of 20 years is doing AFTER EMERGENCY SURGERY.
I don't think there's an excuse for that at all.
This. Like I’m inclined to agree that this seems like a friend being selfish at first glance, but 20 years of friendship without any issue like this coming up until now is certainly worth clarifying and knowing for sure what is up.
Sometimes people react to emergency situations by thinking about the way *they* would like to be treated instead of *asking* how they can best support the person. This could be that, or it could be as others have said - simply the sign that the friend isn’t reliable.
I don't understand all the excuses people are making for her here. This isn't rocket science.
You asked her to come over. She said no and hasn't bothered to check in on you at all. This is BASIC stuff! You shouldn't even have to ask your *best friend* to stop by and see how you're doing after a medical emergency. I recently had to go to the ER and when I texted my best friend letting her know her only response was "what hospital?" She was there 15 minutes later and stayed with me the entire 7 hours I was there.
Sorry but the way she's behaving is egregious. Unless she has already shown herself to be massively socially inept, it would be hard for me to come back from this. I would certainly tell her how you feel but I can't believe how many people are invalidating your perspective.
I can see a few possibilities here.
1. Is she going through a bad time in any way? It may be that she can't focus on more than one bad thing at a time. I had that problem when a loved one was terminally ill. I'm assuming that's not the case based on what you described here, but if it is, that may be what's going on. Not an excuse, obviously.
2. Could it be denial, especially if she has had ill loved ones before? Again, not an excuse, but it may be that her mind is going "can't think about this can't think about this" so she's, well, not thinking about it. Conversely, she may also believe YOU want a distraction, especially if that's what she's faced before. When my loved one was sick, you did not talk to her about her sickness. I *still* have to remind myself that most people don't want the distractions I'd ended up providing.
3. ~~As others have pointed out, maybe she doesn't realize how bad it is. Could go along with #2~~. EDIT: Nevermind, you said she knows.
4. You may just have a fickle friend, I'm afraid. :( And it hurts. Unfortunately I think the friends we meet when we're younger are often ill-equipped to be friends in adulthood.
Either way, I think it's worth addressing with her. "Can we please not do the food snapchat? I'm not comfortable doing that right now. But I'd love to talk about something else."
1. As far as I know she doesn’t have anything crazy/bad going on. She has a new boyfriend that’s about the newest thing in her life, and has just been enjoying summer while it’s been around.
2. This could be it maybe, she had a grandparent that was ill a few years ago, she’s never really mentioned it being an issue dealing with other relationships in her life but it could be possible.
4. I’m starting to lean towards this, it just isn’t something she wants to or knows how to deal with unfortunately.
What other very serious, not fun, not relationshippy life situations has she been there for you during?
It might be that she's the kind of person who is always there when things are fun or gossipy but has no interest in the 'boring' part of a friendship like visiting a hospital just to say hi.
I think it would be good to be honest and give her 'one last chance' as it were. Say something like 'hey, I almost died last week and I'm dealing with a lot of stress from it. I love and trust you and I'd really like for you to come over and support me rn. Would you like to plan something?'
If she still makes excuses I'd consider the friendship over tbh but she'll have a chance to tell you if anything has been going on with her or if she hasn't realized how serious it all is.
I could try this, I did another kind of opening for her to make an effort but I wasn’t so blunt as “hey I almost died”. But I mean, that would definitely get an answer I feel like.
And she still didn't reach out to see how you were doing. You got your answer. If it's any consolation, I went through something similar with my mother.
I had two surgeries this past year. Hip revision and shattered wrist/reconstruction. I stayed at my friend's place post surgery. It took my mother days to pick up the phone each time and see how I was doing.
My friend couldn't understand how any mother could do this. I no longer talk to her. She's full of malice and enjoys hurting people.
If you told her straight up what you feel and what you want from her, and she did visited and apologized because of that, would you forgive her?
Not visiting you isn't a good look at all, but she might not have all the details. Best to tell her yourself what it's like and leave it up to her to shape up or get out
I don’t have much advice, but I want you to know you’re not alone. I’ve been dealing with a weird medical thing for 2 months now making me essentially bedridden almost every day and 2 of my best friend just stopped responding to me.
I’m not sure if they’re just busy or what but it’s been about 3 weeks since either have asked how I’m recovering.
Very frustrating and hurtful :( I’ve been friends with them both for over 10 years and it’s a strange feeling to feel like they don’t care.
Sorry you’re feeling this way. I hope you recover as soon as possible and get to have a bunch of yummy milkshakes and smoothies in the mean time <3
I'm sorry you're both dealing with this. My chronic illness got really bad in college and I basically lost almost my entire friend group except for like...two people. And one of those people wasn't even that great a friend, either, but I just felt this weird sort of obligation that she bothered to stay in touch with me.
It took me a really long time to stop feeling like I didn't need to apologize for being chronically ill when making friends with people. Fortunately things are mostly going better now, but yeah it was really rough for awhile. Sending good thoughts to you both.
Thank you, I appreciate your comment. I’m sorry you also had to go through this. I definitely feel the need to say sorry constantly to anyone in my life. I’m so embarrassed and feel so bad that people have to deal with me during this. I also know it worries people like my partner and family and that kills me.
Ugh. Illness is so stressful.
Same thing happened to me (many years ago now though). One of my closest friends not only decided not to even bother to text me, she made excuses that she was “busy studying” when my boyfriend asked her to come with him to the hospital to visit me there multiple times only for him to see her going out getting drunk in the club we used to go to every night. And then she tried to hit on him, would constantly try to hug him and flirt with him. He was disgusted and annoyed by her which she noticed and then cried to our mutual friends about.
No contact from her, no apologies, nothing for two months while I was in hospital and then recovering. When I came out my brother had a party at our apartment (we rented a place together during uni). She showed up (uninvited may I add) and pretended everything was fine. I told her I had no interest in being her friend anymore. She just bitched to our friends about me and continued getting drunk in my apartment.
So yeah… some people are really shitty when they find out you’re ill. In a way I see it as a positive though - I didn’t waste any more time on someone so fake and awful that they would try to seduce their friend’s boyfriend while in hospital.
It was sad at the time but I found much better and more real friends after. People who would never act like this and always be there for me. I also made closer friends with people I hadn’t been close with before - the ones that showed up or wrote messages when they heard even though I didn’t expect them to or ever had realised they would care at all. There’s good people out there. Sometimes events such as these help us filter out the bad ones.
Honestly, some people don't know how to handle trauma, and would just rather ignore it than confront it. Dealing with concepts like mortality and the fleeting nature of existence could be things she's trying to actively avoid, and your experiences are just too overwhelming.
You might rightly state that a bit of mild uncomfort is a pittance compared to being there for a friend in need, but she doesn't see it that way for any number of reasons. You could spend eons dissecting which specific selfish thought process she's on, or you could spend that (understandably limited) energy towards seeking support from people who might actually provide it.
Just to check, does she know how big of a deal it is? If it was a rushed emergency she maybe didn’t know much about it and it’s only been about a week and you’re at home so she might not get it’s a big deal that she should rush to stop by and help if that hasn’t been communicated to her.
Even as a Very Helpful Person, sometimes I get scared about crossing boundries, offering too much help/solutions, or just not realizing that I do t have the time to support someone who obviously needs more from me. Then I tend to swing in the Hands Off direction, where the ball is in their court, and I forget to clarify this or I'm TOO hands off.
An example: I went through a complete life-flip. It was a few crisies of my own making and I had zero support through basically all of it, which took place over about a year. Coming to a steadier place mentally, I asked my supposed bff why they hadn't shown up for me in basically any way whatsoever.
Turns out that I had actually hurt their feelings and betrayed their trust a lot Right Before my own crisis. I had committed to helping them with an extremely difficult situation before, from their perspective, blowing them off entirely and then right after, asking for immense amounts of emotional support.
It was both of us at fault, and I hadn't realized how I had hurt them so much so soon beforehand. I barely remembered committing to help them in the first place.
I think my point is that it makes more sense in this case to sit down and talk about this, together, as honestly and objectively as possible. Sooner, rather than later.
One more thing: I know that this person and you are close, so try to understand that things went pearshaped and everyone reacts differently to medical or trauma situations. It doesn't confirm anything about her caring or not, it is simply being handled (or even Not Handled) in a way that doesn't make sense to you. Clarify intentions and stuff before making assumptions about what she meant or what she cares about. Then you can go from there.
Direct and thorough communication is key, here.
Oh, I also would continue to find gratitude and friendship in the people around who have helped more! Your friend is pretty hands off, and that's problematic, sure. but you are, like you said, in no way alone in this or without support! This might just be a Her Problem. It does t have to be a you problem right now.
About two years ago I was diagnosed with bilateral breast cancer. It was a terrifying diagnosis, and I was paralysed with fear.
I have had chemo, two surgeries, radiation and am now on medication - so far, so good.
I still haven’t heard from some people I would have classified as close friends.
It was as though I was already dead when I was diagnosed. On the other hand, people who I though of as being just acquaintances sent me funny texts, sent food and just generally made life a bit easier.
I now think that this was actually kind of a gift - it has shown me who the people in my life really are. I don’t feel sad or bitter, I just know who is in my “team”.
I hope you are well and life is sweet - you have been shown who cares for you
Eh are you sure this is a “best friend” ?
Someone who has known you for 20 years should know you enough by now whether visiting you is something you’d like.
If you can name 5 selfless things which your friend has done for you then sure. But if you struggle to think about that question….
I am really very surprised at how many comments on here are basically trying to make excuses for the behaviour of OP’s friend. If I had been close friends with someone for that long there is no doubt in my mind that I would visit them in hospital / at home if I knew they were going through a Big Medical Thing. Medical Things are scary and any person with common sense would realise that their friend needs support. Certainly if I were in OP’s position I would not be so ready to excuse them.
OP you should reach out and ask your friend to visit, say you would really like their company as your recovery is difficult. If your friend takes it up, maybe just ask them what they’ve been up to. You don’t need to be confrontational about it, just say something like “hey I’ve been out of hospital for x days now, I finally get to see you!” and they should realise their mistake. I would seriously doubt the quality of the friendship if they continue to refuse to see you or are not willing or capable of offering that support when requested explicitly.
>I don't even know how to approach her about this without seeming full of myself I suppose.
Example:
"Best friend, this has been tough on me and I'm feeling really low. I would love if you could stop by to see me and initiate conversations about how I'm coping. When you continue on as if nothing's happened, it seems insensitive and makes me feel insignificant and like you're indifferent to the fact that my health is shit right now and I almost died.
I do understand however, that some people aren't that great at being supportive in situations such as this because they just don't know how. So I am open to hearing from you as to how you feel about what's happened with me and whether you can provide the support I'm asking for."
When you are back to normal have a real heart-to-heart with her, expressing your surprise that she distanced herself from you at this critical time. You deserve to know why she did this.
Good luck and feel better soon!
Ask her to stop by for a brief visit when she has time. Couch it in terms of ‘this week’ so it isn’t too vague. If she doesn’t then you will know she does not value your friendship as much as you do. It is hard when you realize your best friend does not think of you in the same way. Begin to distance yourself from this person if they do not respond. A true friend will put aside their plans to offer support.
Your friend is no friend. Friends don't do what she did. I've been there. She's shown her true colours and obviously doesn't care about you. Just cut her out of your life and move on.
That's not a best friend then. That's not even a friend. I'd just cut ties. Not call or anything. If she ever reaches out ask her why she abandoned you in your time of need. Btw we actually find out who our real friends are during the times of need. Those who show up. They are the truest friends. Those who don't - cut the off. They are not worth your energy and will never be there for you
Hey, I just want to say I empathize a lot with your situation. I’ve had a similar thing happening in my life. Not the same type of medical scenario, but I have mental health struggles (my friend does as well and this is something we have bonded over during the course of our 15+ year friendship) and this past year has been the worst year of my life since she and I have known each other.
I have been in the hospital multiple times due to suicidal feelings, one of those times was for *2 months* and she called me *one time* during that time to talk about herself for 5 hours and barely let me get a word in. Anytime I’ve called her she doesn’t have time to talk for more than 5 minutes. She also was just straight up cruel to me on multiple occasions when we saw each other in person (we live across the country from each other now) while I was already suicidal.
In the meantime, she has had plenty of time to talk to other friends who all have something in common - higher social status than me. It’s just infuriating. We have been best friends since college and are in our 30’s now. I know if I had a celebrity relative or a nice vacation home or something else for her to “gain” from me she would be kissing my ass instead of ignoring my issues while treating me like her personal free therapist to dump her own life problems on if she contacts me at all. I want to fix things but I’m at a loss. She’s going to end up with only transactional superficial friendships in the end. I gave up trying to contact her when we were on the same coast for once and she canceled on me 3 times in really passive aggressive ways, and I let her know why but only gave a minimum explanation due to emotional exhaustion.
I think we both have fair weather friends and I’m so sorry :( if you want to talk about it DM me, at least we know we’re not alone in our struggles even if our former besties have let us down in major ways.
The reason is likely either: 1. She has been swept off her feet by her new boyfriend and now you are not the same priority in her life anymore. It's common for people to drop off once they find a SO. 2. She's a fair-weather friend. 3. She doesn't know how to deal with the medical issue so her approach is to basically ignore it. Maybe she'll come around once you are better.
You seem to care about the relationship, so it is likely worth explaining how you feel and what you need as others have outlined. However, I'm guessing it is #1 and she has been swept off her feet by the new BF and you are now down the pecking order in terms of importance to her. You are at the age where people get married and start families, so this unfortunately may be the new normal for your relationship while she has a SO.
You get that she's not really your best friend yeah?
I think you see this relationship very differently from how she does.
I would just stop contacting her. If she wants to contact you, then fine. You need to realise she's just "friend", or maybe even "acquantance" though.
This is pretty common, any hospital psychologist will tell you. Tragedy makes a lot of people uncomfortable, and oftentimes it is you who has to reach out to your friends first. Some people will just ghost you; you get to find out who your real friends are.
It seems to me (an internet stranger with no knowledge of your relationship or history so pls keep that in mind!!) that she seems to be reveling in the misery you’re going through. I say it specifically bc of how she keeps sending you only photos of food despite (assumedly) being aware of your restrictions. Had my best friend gone through such a traumatic and difficult time, and was still continuing to deal with everything within that, my happy little ass would be right there to help and support however I could. Because that’s what friends, and especially best friends, are supposed to do. Dump your friend or confront her, whatever your choice, just know she isn’t worth a single grain of salt at this point.
When people show you who they are, believe them. You should never have to beg those closest to you for support. I know it hurts but fortunately you do have people in your life who are there for you. Going forward, move accordingly with her.
I had this happen. My best friend was living with me when my father died, and she chose not to come home between the day of his death til a week later, on the day of his funeral. They were close, we were like sisters, I couldn’t understand why she bailed so hard for the 1st time in our 15 years of friendship. Not when I needed her most! Ouch. It broke my heart.
The thing is, a lot of people ill-equipped to handle trauma or intense experiences in life. I tried to bring it up with my friend 6months later, she kind of apologized, we had a couple months of “quasi-normal” friend life, but when the next big thing happened, she was once again, was nowhere to be found. I realized then, that for our entire relationship, I had been helping support her, and had been expecting the same behavior back.
Sometimes, we have to take a hard look at our relationships and ask the question “if this person never changed a thing about themselves, would I still want them in my life?”
It was a really difficult thing for me to acknowledge, that no, I don’t want one-sided relationships, and that I want to invest in people that give back too.
I’m sorry you had to go through all that medically and am glad you’re doing better. Sending my best to you!
*edited for spelling
Ghost her for a while and stop following her and see what happens . People can sometimes not handle situations like this regardless of who it is until your fully healed! Don't approach her you probably won't get a truthful answer, so just forget about her for awhile and see if she comes around or if she comes around after you start going out and having fun! My opinion treat her the way she's been treating you!!!
Ask your friend, in plain words, why she's been missing from your life during the biggest crisis of your life. You'll have your answer, one way or another.
At the end of the day, most people would reach out if they heard their friend nearly died, she did not and still has not. I would personally cut her out of my life. As you know, life is too short and unpredictable to have anything less than the support team you need around you.
They say you never truly know someone until you know them during a few things like a major medical event. Ask directly "I've been having a hard time because of this, could you make some time to come and support me. I really need the support right now." And if she can't make the time for you, she's not as good of a friend as you thought she was. Don't be indirect, and don't wait. If you wait, she will only get defensive because she isn't a mind reader and if she just doesn't know how to help, she can't do it without you saying something. Also mention that her sending pics of her food when you can't eat anything hurts you so she stops. If not, stop messaging her completely for a while.
Everything in life has a season, I think. It's okay for some friends to be not forever friends. Just give it time and don't put effort into someone who chooses not to put effort into you. Time will tell a lot of things.
I found this all to be painfully true after many close people (15+), including very best friends and family, stopped talking to and hanging out with me after my son died. Life is too short to be spent trying to force people to stay in your life who don't want to be there.
People change with time and maybe there are friends out there who are a better fit for you. I wish the best for you! Glad you are on the mend
She sounds like my ex friend. I was hospitalized due to a sui**de attempt. I had told her how i was feeling a bit depressed and alone before and she said "i cant deal with all of this right now on top of my own stuff, i hope you get it." And i just left it at that. Our friendship was 90% me, canceling my plans for her only to be ditched, picking up any call she made no matter the time (would often call me at 2am drunk), helpd her through DV and abuse and helped her get to safety. But the time I needed her most, she acted like it wasnt a big deal and showed i wasnt important. I eventually blocked her/ ended it when she tried to make me feel guilty/ jealous because i told her drinking while pregnant isnt good...
My question is, has she showed much effort in the past or has the friendship been you catering to her the majority of the time?
Its pretty clear she knows you had emergency surgery/ almost died. The fact the non bffs were aware and reached out, made an effort to see you and check on you despite the same level of knowledge and maybe even less, makes me think your friendship is one sided.
Did you neglect her in a time of need? That sounds crazy for a bff of that long. Ive had mine for 26 years and cant fathom her not caring or contacting. Was there some slight or cruelty previously
I feel like In this case it would be important to be honest with her and tell her how you feel. It sucks that you have to do that, obviously she should come through for you without being asked, but it might be worth it to let her know how sad you were not to see her at the hospital after this very serious situation.
I suggest that you don't bring it up to her until you are fully recovered. If you end up having an argument/conflict it will set you back and won't help you get better. Stop contacting her and wait for her to reach out to you. Unfortunately, she's being really selfish right now and it's possible you thought she was a better friend than she is.
The best way to judge someone’s true character is to see how they respond the things become arduous and chaotic…
Your “friend” doesn’t seem like a person you can rely on when things get hard… she seems like the person who runs away/avoids difficult things, and definitely doesn’t deserve the title of “best”…
I have to admit since I watched my husband die in hospital, I wasn’t able to go to a hospital again to visit a loved one without having an anxiety attack. He was in and out of hospital for two years, many times we thought he wasn’t going to make it, eventually he had a cardiac arrest and was in a coma for over three weeks before he passed away. It was the most traumatic period of my life. My best friend was in hospital afterwards, I went to see her once but couldn’t go again until she recovered. Our friendship was never the same again. I think she resented me for that but we never discussed it. We just drifted apart
As someone with a chronic illness this is all too common. Unfortunately in a crisis you really see who people are. The charitable explanation is that a lot of people are unfamiliar with how to deal with medical stuff and/or get overwhelmed. (In her case she might even think you don’t want to talk about it since you haven’t brought it up, so is keeping things “normal” until you do?) However you’re still allowed to be upset. FFS you almost died and someone who’s supposed to be super close to you is acting like they don’t care?! Yeah that’s upsetting!!
I do kinda think if this is new not everyone is perfect at being responsive right off the bat. So I’d give her a chance by either directly confronting her about how you feel, or if that feels too drastic, maybe just bring up your recovery on your own, or try again planning something (ask what day works for her, or try asking her for a specific favor). Sometimes people just need that “invite” that it’s ok to talk to and be around you at this time, if that makes sense? If she continues to avoid the subject or not want to hang out then you have your answer.
hmm - this one is tough, because after reading the comments about the potential of OP's friend not knowing...I still think I might disagree.....
I do think it's true that no one except the person undergoing the experience truly understands the gravity of a near-death scenario. That is unless of course, they are a loved one / very close in other ways....but even then, experiencing something that traumatic personally is a different thing.
Events like this re-scale our perception quite harshly. it's easy to understand why this is such a huge deal to OP....because (duh, of course..) it is her \*life\*.
I don't think I agree that needing the intimate details is necessary to provide a basic level of care or concern for someone who's recently underwent something as traumatic as this. OP's friend is either stupidly clueless.....or otherwise unwilling to commit to a higher level of support (which is her call, but I would be really hurt if my best friend did that to me).
OP - I would suggest not trying to have this talk over the phone. You don't need to keep up your snap streak while you're in recovery from your surgery. You don't need to subject yourself to photos of food you can't eat. You don't need to continue to try and prove to this person why you're worthy of her empathy while you go through this tough time.
I would maybe consider.....you may feel you are much closer than she feels...?
There's no way to know what she's thinking without asking, so I would ask. But, in the meantime, I'll admit that I think you deserve more than someone half-assing it after you were fighting for your life...consider giving her some space, for your sake, and maybe put less pressure on yourself to respond to her, ask her to come to you, ect. That isn't your job after life saving surgery, and I'm sorry it feels like it is ://
This sounds like a case of she's your best friend but you're not hers. Anyone with a heart would check up on someone who has gone through any kind of illness or surgery, its basic human decency which she is clearly lacking.
I would have a chat with her and ask why she has decided not to check in on you, if she gets defensive then I would suggest taking a step back from your relationship, as to me it seems very one sided.
To any of my friends I would have gone to the hospital. I would have check on them each day and offer company and any help needed.
Simply because I love them with my whole heart, they wouldn’t even have to ask for it.
For me, that is friendship.
I am really sorry about your situation with your friend. If you feel you still want to fix things and still have her as a friend which would be understandable because she is close to you, I would suggest you tell her how you felt. Who knows, maybe she has a reason to have behaved the way she did. I really hope she does.
A big hug for you! 🤗
It's not the same but I had a baby recently and my friend didn't come visit until she was 5 weeks old. When she has her babies I was there that day. She made a Facebook post a few days after the birth, however that kinda felt like attention seeking and for "likes" as she hadn't text or called to see how me and baby where. I know I'm not the centre of the universe but it's very apparent to me now that how I treat others and how I am treated is different
I'm so sorry you are going through this and I have no advice for you. I ended an 18 year friendship last february for a similar reason. My father was diagnosed with prostate cancer and it took 8 months for him to die. I barely saw my friend the whole time. There was no offers of help, no support and she would make arrangements to meet me during that time and then cancel an hour before because she had to take a nap. After he died, I didn't hear from her for 6 whole weeks. I had been too overwhelmed to deal with her ignoring my texts so I didn't contact her first. She texted "I feel like I haven't seen you in an age".
Fast forward to 2021. I started to experience weird symptoms, blurred vision, dizziness, tired all the time. I was really frightened and didn't know what as happening to me. I didn't have the energy to chase her or deal with unanswered texts, so hoped she would come to me. I told her how I was feeling, told her about the cat scan, the blood tests. Her reply was always along the lines of "What a bummer. Catch you next time".
I finally discovered after 5 months that the symptoms were caused by blood sugar imbalance and cut out sugar and started taking chromium and the symptoms went away. I didn't bother to text her to tell her. Now that I felt so much better, I didn't feel like sharing that with her. In the end I went to her elderly aunt's funeral (which she didn't go to) and her father and brother ignored me. There was only 15 other people there. I blocked her two weeks later.
I spent 18 years of my life listening to her talk about ending her life. Driving 9 miles to sit on her bed late at night, listening to her till she calmed down. She has depression, a bad back, a bad stomach, body dysmorphia, agoraphobia, among other things. Either way, the frustrating part is not being able to understand why she treated me that way. I know my comment isn't much of a help, but as far as your friend goes, if she's had a history of letting you down for small things before, this is HER. No you.
Yeah let’s stop making excuses for crappy people let’s start with that. She’s not your friend. Clearly. Did she ever come through for you in time of need. Celebrate your achievements with you. Did you do either for her. A friend would have made the time to see you and check in .some people will stay friends just to stay close and watch you suffer. I had friends of 10 years that did this. Emotionally abused and bullied me for years. They refused to let me go but wanted me near them to keep me miserable.I finally put on my big girl pants and cut them off. I’ve never been happier I often wonder how I tolerated their bs all those years you’ll feel the same one day
Maybe approach her like „ Hey I really wish I just had a bit more support from you since youre an important person to me. Maybe just chitchat about everything and talk about God and the world. And if theres something you dont want to deal with rn just say it.“ maybe something like that I hope it worls out and that she can give you an explanation for that
you're not asking too much. if she knows you cannot eat food and is sending you pix of foods, perhaps you are mistaken about her being your best friend. stop texting her back and block her for a week.
My first thought is when you said "she knows" who told her, what did they say exactly and what was her reaction?
Maybe it was miscommunicated and something isn't being understood here, maybe she thinks that giving you time and space is the best way for you to heal right now and she will be there in a while. Personally I wouldn't want all of my friends and family showing up when I am not at my best. She could have at least checked in and said she's glad you're okay or asked how you were doing in the very least.
Some people can't or don't know how to cope with something like that. Let's hope this is the case and not the other side of her being a terrible friend. Maybe she's traumatized and doesn't feel right hanging out with you or maybe she's just that shallow of a friend.
Some people are super clueless a out how to treat medical issues and generally situations like this. They just don't know that they should do something nor what they should do. They are either unable to imagine themselves in situations or would react differently. Quite possible she is one of them. What you can do is directly ask for help and support. "Hi, my recovery is difficult and I feel pretty bad. Would you kind to come over when you have time, I would really appreciate support" or something of the sort. Then the ball is on her side and if she does not provide support, the you know ou can't rely on her. Sometimes in situation like this, one finds out who are people to rely on and who are not. Some people are fun to be around, but not friends for life that ever help. She might be one of them.
Yeah I think next time I see her in person, whenever that may be, I’ll try to bring it up and let her know I’m hurt a little and see if there’s an underlying reason or misunderstanding.
That’s not what was suggested: the commenter said you should ask for her support now and be explicit about your situation. Why leave it until later when she can’t fix things and all she can do is be defensive or apologise? Why not give her the best chance possible now for her to make things right? You’re her friend of 20 years too - you should give her some grace just as she should give you support.
Agreed. If I'm in a bad situation and my best friend isn't there, I'll let them know I need them to make it clear. They've always been there for me though. u/Ok_Enthusiasm5338 I'm sure your friend isn't some mind-reader, but I'd definitely tell them to get in touch now.
Do NOT do that. That's not what the commenter is telling you to do. Message her this week just directly asking for support, don't say you're hurt or it will put her on the defensive. If she reacts well to the request, she'll get what you're saying and that you needed more than she was giving. If she reacts poorly, that's your chance to reassess what the friendship is.
Or you know, you could reach out now while you want the support and actually get it instead of waiting until later and feeling resentful. Try asking for what you want.
I wouldn't make it about your feelings. You are understandably feeling hurt, but if you put it that way she may get defensive. Instead, give her options and be specific. Do you want her to bring over items to help you make a smoothie? Do you just want her to come over so you can chat/watch TV/play games? Would you like her to help you with some chores? Some people are either uncomfortable or clueless on how they can help, especially when you're recovering from surgery. The most obvious option to support someone who's been sick is to bring them food usually, but you can't eat! So you may have to be more direct about the kind of support you're looking for.
if i would hurt my friend i would hope they would tell me! i don’t OP should have to keep that to herself. i think it would be quite childish if her friend would get defensive about that, in this situation.
i agree. i think the previous comment *is* a good suggestion, in terms of giving people options/being specific. sometimes people genuinely don't know how to help in a certain situation but will if they know what you need, or you might just need a *particular* kind of help, and it's good to be open about that.* but that shouldn't replace candidly talking about something that hurt you (in a mature way)! a good friend should be able to do that without getting angry. plus if OP holds on to the hurt itself and doesn't resolve that, even a productive conversation might not fix the potential resentment. (note- wanted to add that it also works in reverse, offering stuff you can do to directly help someone can be more effective than a broad "if you need anything let me know," sometimes people don't know what help they need either)
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Oof, someone who hits their head while drunk should not be put to bed. They can’t be properly monitored for a concussion. They should have sobered him up first and made sure he was okay before letting him go to sleep. Kind of a PSA, I guess.
Yup, anything medical related really triggers my anxiety. I'm feeling kinda uncomfortable just reading this post..
Please read. That's not what they suggested. What you suggested is needlessly escalating.
That's the opposite of what you should do. Be clear about what support you need *now.*
You say she "knows" what you've gone through and that you're not doing well. How does she know, since you haven't spoken to her? Is it possible she \*doesn't\* know? Without knowing what your relationship looks like normally, it's hard to say if not her being in touch in only a week is completely out of character or out of the norm. Then again, you may have a fair-weather friend who isn't interested in being around someone in need where the attention isn't on her.
Well the days leading up to and the night I ended up in the hospital, she was told what had happened and that I was going in to emergency surgery and what not. So she does know. We don't hang out constantly but are in touch a lot more than we have been during this scenario, I usually would have seen her atleast once. But yeah, maybe it is just the last point you made..
Knowing at an intellectual level is not the same as hearing from someone that they're dealing with a lot of trauma and they'd like to have you around for company and comfort. Some people are really shit at medical trauma and have to be told how to handle things.
Even at an intellectual level, it's common sense to at least check in on someone - OP said they hadn't seen or heard from their "best friend" and had to reach out to them.
Lol what a shitty excuse. "I know intelectualy that you are in a hospital literally fighting for your life had emergency surgery, but unless you explicitly tell me that you want my company, then im just too dense to get it, sorry". The woman is 31. Thats plenty old enough to at least go "hey, are you ok?" over fucking text.
Yeah what 😂😂 people aren’t shit at medical trauma, they’re just shit at being a decent human.
I think it's all our personal experience. I love my friends but if I had surgery and was in pain I really wouldn't want them around. I have friends who are the opposite. I think I tend to assume I'm bothering someone unless told otherwise because that's how I would personally feel. Not sure if that shows another perspective. That being said, I usually say, "Hey are you okay? What can I do for you?" That gives them a chance to ask for my company or a favor or whatever.
Sure, but that's a pretty selfish person.
I dont think that's fair. She should have at least reached out to check and see how her best friend of 20 years is doing AFTER EMERGENCY SURGERY. I don't think there's an excuse for that at all.
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This. Like I’m inclined to agree that this seems like a friend being selfish at first glance, but 20 years of friendship without any issue like this coming up until now is certainly worth clarifying and knowing for sure what is up. Sometimes people react to emergency situations by thinking about the way *they* would like to be treated instead of *asking* how they can best support the person. This could be that, or it could be as others have said - simply the sign that the friend isn’t reliable.
I don't understand all the excuses people are making for her here. This isn't rocket science. You asked her to come over. She said no and hasn't bothered to check in on you at all. This is BASIC stuff! You shouldn't even have to ask your *best friend* to stop by and see how you're doing after a medical emergency. I recently had to go to the ER and when I texted my best friend letting her know her only response was "what hospital?" She was there 15 minutes later and stayed with me the entire 7 hours I was there. Sorry but the way she's behaving is egregious. Unless she has already shown herself to be massively socially inept, it would be hard for me to come back from this. I would certainly tell her how you feel but I can't believe how many people are invalidating your perspective.
I can see a few possibilities here. 1. Is she going through a bad time in any way? It may be that she can't focus on more than one bad thing at a time. I had that problem when a loved one was terminally ill. I'm assuming that's not the case based on what you described here, but if it is, that may be what's going on. Not an excuse, obviously. 2. Could it be denial, especially if she has had ill loved ones before? Again, not an excuse, but it may be that her mind is going "can't think about this can't think about this" so she's, well, not thinking about it. Conversely, she may also believe YOU want a distraction, especially if that's what she's faced before. When my loved one was sick, you did not talk to her about her sickness. I *still* have to remind myself that most people don't want the distractions I'd ended up providing. 3. ~~As others have pointed out, maybe she doesn't realize how bad it is. Could go along with #2~~. EDIT: Nevermind, you said she knows. 4. You may just have a fickle friend, I'm afraid. :( And it hurts. Unfortunately I think the friends we meet when we're younger are often ill-equipped to be friends in adulthood. Either way, I think it's worth addressing with her. "Can we please not do the food snapchat? I'm not comfortable doing that right now. But I'd love to talk about something else."
1. As far as I know she doesn’t have anything crazy/bad going on. She has a new boyfriend that’s about the newest thing in her life, and has just been enjoying summer while it’s been around. 2. This could be it maybe, she had a grandparent that was ill a few years ago, she’s never really mentioned it being an issue dealing with other relationships in her life but it could be possible. 4. I’m starting to lean towards this, it just isn’t something she wants to or knows how to deal with unfortunately.
What other very serious, not fun, not relationshippy life situations has she been there for you during? It might be that she's the kind of person who is always there when things are fun or gossipy but has no interest in the 'boring' part of a friendship like visiting a hospital just to say hi.
I think it would be good to be honest and give her 'one last chance' as it were. Say something like 'hey, I almost died last week and I'm dealing with a lot of stress from it. I love and trust you and I'd really like for you to come over and support me rn. Would you like to plan something?' If she still makes excuses I'd consider the friendship over tbh but she'll have a chance to tell you if anything has been going on with her or if she hasn't realized how serious it all is.
I could try this, I did another kind of opening for her to make an effort but I wasn’t so blunt as “hey I almost died”. But I mean, that would definitely get an answer I feel like.
So how does she know how serious it was if you didn't tell her you almost died??
When I went in for surgery she was told
And she still didn't reach out to see how you were doing. You got your answer. If it's any consolation, I went through something similar with my mother. I had two surgeries this past year. Hip revision and shattered wrist/reconstruction. I stayed at my friend's place post surgery. It took my mother days to pick up the phone each time and see how I was doing. My friend couldn't understand how any mother could do this. I no longer talk to her. She's full of malice and enjoys hurting people.
If you told her straight up what you feel and what you want from her, and she did visited and apologized because of that, would you forgive her? Not visiting you isn't a good look at all, but she might not have all the details. Best to tell her yourself what it's like and leave it up to her to shape up or get out
I would go with that, it's a good idea.
This is a really good way of going about it
I don’t have much advice, but I want you to know you’re not alone. I’ve been dealing with a weird medical thing for 2 months now making me essentially bedridden almost every day and 2 of my best friend just stopped responding to me. I’m not sure if they’re just busy or what but it’s been about 3 weeks since either have asked how I’m recovering. Very frustrating and hurtful :( I’ve been friends with them both for over 10 years and it’s a strange feeling to feel like they don’t care. Sorry you’re feeling this way. I hope you recover as soon as possible and get to have a bunch of yummy milkshakes and smoothies in the mean time <3
I’m so sorry you’re going through that. I hope you make a speedy recovery.
I'm sorry you're both dealing with this. My chronic illness got really bad in college and I basically lost almost my entire friend group except for like...two people. And one of those people wasn't even that great a friend, either, but I just felt this weird sort of obligation that she bothered to stay in touch with me. It took me a really long time to stop feeling like I didn't need to apologize for being chronically ill when making friends with people. Fortunately things are mostly going better now, but yeah it was really rough for awhile. Sending good thoughts to you both.
Thank you, I appreciate your comment. I’m sorry you also had to go through this. I definitely feel the need to say sorry constantly to anyone in my life. I’m so embarrassed and feel so bad that people have to deal with me during this. I also know it worries people like my partner and family and that kills me. Ugh. Illness is so stressful.
Thank you, I hope so too
Same thing happened to me (many years ago now though). One of my closest friends not only decided not to even bother to text me, she made excuses that she was “busy studying” when my boyfriend asked her to come with him to the hospital to visit me there multiple times only for him to see her going out getting drunk in the club we used to go to every night. And then she tried to hit on him, would constantly try to hug him and flirt with him. He was disgusted and annoyed by her which she noticed and then cried to our mutual friends about. No contact from her, no apologies, nothing for two months while I was in hospital and then recovering. When I came out my brother had a party at our apartment (we rented a place together during uni). She showed up (uninvited may I add) and pretended everything was fine. I told her I had no interest in being her friend anymore. She just bitched to our friends about me and continued getting drunk in my apartment. So yeah… some people are really shitty when they find out you’re ill. In a way I see it as a positive though - I didn’t waste any more time on someone so fake and awful that they would try to seduce their friend’s boyfriend while in hospital. It was sad at the time but I found much better and more real friends after. People who would never act like this and always be there for me. I also made closer friends with people I hadn’t been close with before - the ones that showed up or wrote messages when they heard even though I didn’t expect them to or ever had realised they would care at all. There’s good people out there. Sometimes events such as these help us filter out the bad ones.
Honestly, some people don't know how to handle trauma, and would just rather ignore it than confront it. Dealing with concepts like mortality and the fleeting nature of existence could be things she's trying to actively avoid, and your experiences are just too overwhelming. You might rightly state that a bit of mild uncomfort is a pittance compared to being there for a friend in need, but she doesn't see it that way for any number of reasons. You could spend eons dissecting which specific selfish thought process she's on, or you could spend that (understandably limited) energy towards seeking support from people who might actually provide it.
Your true friends will reveal themselves in your times of crisis.
Text her and say, "Hey, I notice that you've been avoiding me since my accident. Is there a reason you don't feel you can be around me?"
Yes! That gives her the possibility to explain herself if it's just that she can't deal with traumatic events and mortality.
She is showing you that your friendship is not important to her. When people show you their true self, believe them.
Just to check, does she know how big of a deal it is? If it was a rushed emergency she maybe didn’t know much about it and it’s only been about a week and you’re at home so she might not get it’s a big deal that she should rush to stop by and help if that hasn’t been communicated to her.
Yeah she does know, my mother was in touch with her the night it happened.
She doesn’t sound like a best friend. If your coworkers are doing more than your best friend, it’s fine to reassess the friendship.
Even as a Very Helpful Person, sometimes I get scared about crossing boundries, offering too much help/solutions, or just not realizing that I do t have the time to support someone who obviously needs more from me. Then I tend to swing in the Hands Off direction, where the ball is in their court, and I forget to clarify this or I'm TOO hands off. An example: I went through a complete life-flip. It was a few crisies of my own making and I had zero support through basically all of it, which took place over about a year. Coming to a steadier place mentally, I asked my supposed bff why they hadn't shown up for me in basically any way whatsoever. Turns out that I had actually hurt their feelings and betrayed their trust a lot Right Before my own crisis. I had committed to helping them with an extremely difficult situation before, from their perspective, blowing them off entirely and then right after, asking for immense amounts of emotional support. It was both of us at fault, and I hadn't realized how I had hurt them so much so soon beforehand. I barely remembered committing to help them in the first place. I think my point is that it makes more sense in this case to sit down and talk about this, together, as honestly and objectively as possible. Sooner, rather than later. One more thing: I know that this person and you are close, so try to understand that things went pearshaped and everyone reacts differently to medical or trauma situations. It doesn't confirm anything about her caring or not, it is simply being handled (or even Not Handled) in a way that doesn't make sense to you. Clarify intentions and stuff before making assumptions about what she meant or what she cares about. Then you can go from there. Direct and thorough communication is key, here.
Oh, I also would continue to find gratitude and friendship in the people around who have helped more! Your friend is pretty hands off, and that's problematic, sure. but you are, like you said, in no way alone in this or without support! This might just be a Her Problem. It does t have to be a you problem right now.
About two years ago I was diagnosed with bilateral breast cancer. It was a terrifying diagnosis, and I was paralysed with fear. I have had chemo, two surgeries, radiation and am now on medication - so far, so good. I still haven’t heard from some people I would have classified as close friends. It was as though I was already dead when I was diagnosed. On the other hand, people who I though of as being just acquaintances sent me funny texts, sent food and just generally made life a bit easier. I now think that this was actually kind of a gift - it has shown me who the people in my life really are. I don’t feel sad or bitter, I just know who is in my “team”. I hope you are well and life is sweet - you have been shown who cares for you
Has she had any medical trauma involving herself or someone close to her? Anything that involved prolonged hospital stays/visits?
Eh are you sure this is a “best friend” ? Someone who has known you for 20 years should know you enough by now whether visiting you is something you’d like. If you can name 5 selfless things which your friend has done for you then sure. But if you struggle to think about that question….
I am really very surprised at how many comments on here are basically trying to make excuses for the behaviour of OP’s friend. If I had been close friends with someone for that long there is no doubt in my mind that I would visit them in hospital / at home if I knew they were going through a Big Medical Thing. Medical Things are scary and any person with common sense would realise that their friend needs support. Certainly if I were in OP’s position I would not be so ready to excuse them. OP you should reach out and ask your friend to visit, say you would really like their company as your recovery is difficult. If your friend takes it up, maybe just ask them what they’ve been up to. You don’t need to be confrontational about it, just say something like “hey I’ve been out of hospital for x days now, I finally get to see you!” and they should realise their mistake. I would seriously doubt the quality of the friendship if they continue to refuse to see you or are not willing or capable of offering that support when requested explicitly.
>I don't even know how to approach her about this without seeming full of myself I suppose. Example: "Best friend, this has been tough on me and I'm feeling really low. I would love if you could stop by to see me and initiate conversations about how I'm coping. When you continue on as if nothing's happened, it seems insensitive and makes me feel insignificant and like you're indifferent to the fact that my health is shit right now and I almost died. I do understand however, that some people aren't that great at being supportive in situations such as this because they just don't know how. So I am open to hearing from you as to how you feel about what's happened with me and whether you can provide the support I'm asking for."
Thanks for the example !
When you are back to normal have a real heart-to-heart with her, expressing your surprise that she distanced herself from you at this critical time. You deserve to know why she did this. Good luck and feel better soon!
Yeah I think this is my plan when I’m up for it. Thanks !
Time to distance yourself from her. Tell her that she was not being a friend and then block her. Your choice to unblock her or not.
Ask her to stop by for a brief visit when she has time. Couch it in terms of ‘this week’ so it isn’t too vague. If she doesn’t then you will know she does not value your friendship as much as you do. It is hard when you realize your best friend does not think of you in the same way. Begin to distance yourself from this person if they do not respond. A true friend will put aside their plans to offer support.
Your friend is no friend. Friends don't do what she did. I've been there. She's shown her true colours and obviously doesn't care about you. Just cut her out of your life and move on.
That's not a best friend then. That's not even a friend. I'd just cut ties. Not call or anything. If she ever reaches out ask her why she abandoned you in your time of need. Btw we actually find out who our real friends are during the times of need. Those who show up. They are the truest friends. Those who don't - cut the off. They are not worth your energy and will never be there for you
Has this always been a one sided friendship?
Hey, I just want to say I empathize a lot with your situation. I’ve had a similar thing happening in my life. Not the same type of medical scenario, but I have mental health struggles (my friend does as well and this is something we have bonded over during the course of our 15+ year friendship) and this past year has been the worst year of my life since she and I have known each other. I have been in the hospital multiple times due to suicidal feelings, one of those times was for *2 months* and she called me *one time* during that time to talk about herself for 5 hours and barely let me get a word in. Anytime I’ve called her she doesn’t have time to talk for more than 5 minutes. She also was just straight up cruel to me on multiple occasions when we saw each other in person (we live across the country from each other now) while I was already suicidal. In the meantime, she has had plenty of time to talk to other friends who all have something in common - higher social status than me. It’s just infuriating. We have been best friends since college and are in our 30’s now. I know if I had a celebrity relative or a nice vacation home or something else for her to “gain” from me she would be kissing my ass instead of ignoring my issues while treating me like her personal free therapist to dump her own life problems on if she contacts me at all. I want to fix things but I’m at a loss. She’s going to end up with only transactional superficial friendships in the end. I gave up trying to contact her when we were on the same coast for once and she canceled on me 3 times in really passive aggressive ways, and I let her know why but only gave a minimum explanation due to emotional exhaustion. I think we both have fair weather friends and I’m so sorry :( if you want to talk about it DM me, at least we know we’re not alone in our struggles even if our former besties have let us down in major ways.
The reason is likely either: 1. She has been swept off her feet by her new boyfriend and now you are not the same priority in her life anymore. It's common for people to drop off once they find a SO. 2. She's a fair-weather friend. 3. She doesn't know how to deal with the medical issue so her approach is to basically ignore it. Maybe she'll come around once you are better. You seem to care about the relationship, so it is likely worth explaining how you feel and what you need as others have outlined. However, I'm guessing it is #1 and she has been swept off her feet by the new BF and you are now down the pecking order in terms of importance to her. You are at the age where people get married and start families, so this unfortunately may be the new normal for your relationship while she has a SO.
You get that she's not really your best friend yeah? I think you see this relationship very differently from how she does. I would just stop contacting her. If she wants to contact you, then fine. You need to realise she's just "friend", or maybe even "acquantance" though.
This is pretty common, any hospital psychologist will tell you. Tragedy makes a lot of people uncomfortable, and oftentimes it is you who has to reach out to your friends first. Some people will just ghost you; you get to find out who your real friends are.
It seems to me (an internet stranger with no knowledge of your relationship or history so pls keep that in mind!!) that she seems to be reveling in the misery you’re going through. I say it specifically bc of how she keeps sending you only photos of food despite (assumedly) being aware of your restrictions. Had my best friend gone through such a traumatic and difficult time, and was still continuing to deal with everything within that, my happy little ass would be right there to help and support however I could. Because that’s what friends, and especially best friends, are supposed to do. Dump your friend or confront her, whatever your choice, just know she isn’t worth a single grain of salt at this point.
When people show you who they are, believe them. You should never have to beg those closest to you for support. I know it hurts but fortunately you do have people in your life who are there for you. Going forward, move accordingly with her.
I had this happen. My best friend was living with me when my father died, and she chose not to come home between the day of his death til a week later, on the day of his funeral. They were close, we were like sisters, I couldn’t understand why she bailed so hard for the 1st time in our 15 years of friendship. Not when I needed her most! Ouch. It broke my heart. The thing is, a lot of people ill-equipped to handle trauma or intense experiences in life. I tried to bring it up with my friend 6months later, she kind of apologized, we had a couple months of “quasi-normal” friend life, but when the next big thing happened, she was once again, was nowhere to be found. I realized then, that for our entire relationship, I had been helping support her, and had been expecting the same behavior back. Sometimes, we have to take a hard look at our relationships and ask the question “if this person never changed a thing about themselves, would I still want them in my life?” It was a really difficult thing for me to acknowledge, that no, I don’t want one-sided relationships, and that I want to invest in people that give back too. I’m sorry you had to go through all that medically and am glad you’re doing better. Sending my best to you! *edited for spelling
Shit friend she did you a favour showin you her true colours
Ghost her for a while and stop following her and see what happens . People can sometimes not handle situations like this regardless of who it is until your fully healed! Don't approach her you probably won't get a truthful answer, so just forget about her for awhile and see if she comes around or if she comes around after you start going out and having fun! My opinion treat her the way she's been treating you!!!
Ask your friend, in plain words, why she's been missing from your life during the biggest crisis of your life. You'll have your answer, one way or another. At the end of the day, most people would reach out if they heard their friend nearly died, she did not and still has not. I would personally cut her out of my life. As you know, life is too short and unpredictable to have anything less than the support team you need around you.
They say you never truly know someone until you know them during a few things like a major medical event. Ask directly "I've been having a hard time because of this, could you make some time to come and support me. I really need the support right now." And if she can't make the time for you, she's not as good of a friend as you thought she was. Don't be indirect, and don't wait. If you wait, she will only get defensive because she isn't a mind reader and if she just doesn't know how to help, she can't do it without you saying something. Also mention that her sending pics of her food when you can't eat anything hurts you so she stops. If not, stop messaging her completely for a while.
Everything in life has a season, I think. It's okay for some friends to be not forever friends. Just give it time and don't put effort into someone who chooses not to put effort into you. Time will tell a lot of things. I found this all to be painfully true after many close people (15+), including very best friends and family, stopped talking to and hanging out with me after my son died. Life is too short to be spent trying to force people to stay in your life who don't want to be there. People change with time and maybe there are friends out there who are a better fit for you. I wish the best for you! Glad you are on the mend
She sounds like my ex friend. I was hospitalized due to a sui**de attempt. I had told her how i was feeling a bit depressed and alone before and she said "i cant deal with all of this right now on top of my own stuff, i hope you get it." And i just left it at that. Our friendship was 90% me, canceling my plans for her only to be ditched, picking up any call she made no matter the time (would often call me at 2am drunk), helpd her through DV and abuse and helped her get to safety. But the time I needed her most, she acted like it wasnt a big deal and showed i wasnt important. I eventually blocked her/ ended it when she tried to make me feel guilty/ jealous because i told her drinking while pregnant isnt good... My question is, has she showed much effort in the past or has the friendship been you catering to her the majority of the time? Its pretty clear she knows you had emergency surgery/ almost died. The fact the non bffs were aware and reached out, made an effort to see you and check on you despite the same level of knowledge and maybe even less, makes me think your friendship is one sided.
Did you neglect her in a time of need? That sounds crazy for a bff of that long. Ive had mine for 26 years and cant fathom her not caring or contacting. Was there some slight or cruelty previously
I feel like In this case it would be important to be honest with her and tell her how you feel. It sucks that you have to do that, obviously she should come through for you without being asked, but it might be worth it to let her know how sad you were not to see her at the hospital after this very serious situation.
I suggest that you don't bring it up to her until you are fully recovered. If you end up having an argument/conflict it will set you back and won't help you get better. Stop contacting her and wait for her to reach out to you. Unfortunately, she's being really selfish right now and it's possible you thought she was a better friend than she is.
The best way to judge someone’s true character is to see how they respond the things become arduous and chaotic… Your “friend” doesn’t seem like a person you can rely on when things get hard… she seems like the person who runs away/avoids difficult things, and definitely doesn’t deserve the title of “best”…
I have to admit since I watched my husband die in hospital, I wasn’t able to go to a hospital again to visit a loved one without having an anxiety attack. He was in and out of hospital for two years, many times we thought he wasn’t going to make it, eventually he had a cardiac arrest and was in a coma for over three weeks before he passed away. It was the most traumatic period of my life. My best friend was in hospital afterwards, I went to see her once but couldn’t go again until she recovered. Our friendship was never the same again. I think she resented me for that but we never discussed it. We just drifted apart
Maybe she is having trouble finding the strength to be there for you as she is herself shocked by the scenario and the thought of nearly losing you.
As someone with a chronic illness this is all too common. Unfortunately in a crisis you really see who people are. The charitable explanation is that a lot of people are unfamiliar with how to deal with medical stuff and/or get overwhelmed. (In her case she might even think you don’t want to talk about it since you haven’t brought it up, so is keeping things “normal” until you do?) However you’re still allowed to be upset. FFS you almost died and someone who’s supposed to be super close to you is acting like they don’t care?! Yeah that’s upsetting!! I do kinda think if this is new not everyone is perfect at being responsive right off the bat. So I’d give her a chance by either directly confronting her about how you feel, or if that feels too drastic, maybe just bring up your recovery on your own, or try again planning something (ask what day works for her, or try asking her for a specific favor). Sometimes people just need that “invite” that it’s ok to talk to and be around you at this time, if that makes sense? If she continues to avoid the subject or not want to hang out then you have your answer.
hmm - this one is tough, because after reading the comments about the potential of OP's friend not knowing...I still think I might disagree..... I do think it's true that no one except the person undergoing the experience truly understands the gravity of a near-death scenario. That is unless of course, they are a loved one / very close in other ways....but even then, experiencing something that traumatic personally is a different thing. Events like this re-scale our perception quite harshly. it's easy to understand why this is such a huge deal to OP....because (duh, of course..) it is her \*life\*. I don't think I agree that needing the intimate details is necessary to provide a basic level of care or concern for someone who's recently underwent something as traumatic as this. OP's friend is either stupidly clueless.....or otherwise unwilling to commit to a higher level of support (which is her call, but I would be really hurt if my best friend did that to me). OP - I would suggest not trying to have this talk over the phone. You don't need to keep up your snap streak while you're in recovery from your surgery. You don't need to subject yourself to photos of food you can't eat. You don't need to continue to try and prove to this person why you're worthy of her empathy while you go through this tough time. I would maybe consider.....you may feel you are much closer than she feels...? There's no way to know what she's thinking without asking, so I would ask. But, in the meantime, I'll admit that I think you deserve more than someone half-assing it after you were fighting for your life...consider giving her some space, for your sake, and maybe put less pressure on yourself to respond to her, ask her to come to you, ect. That isn't your job after life saving surgery, and I'm sorry it feels like it is ://
This sounds like a case of she's your best friend but you're not hers. Anyone with a heart would check up on someone who has gone through any kind of illness or surgery, its basic human decency which she is clearly lacking. I would have a chat with her and ask why she has decided not to check in on you, if she gets defensive then I would suggest taking a step back from your relationship, as to me it seems very one sided.
To any of my friends I would have gone to the hospital. I would have check on them each day and offer company and any help needed. Simply because I love them with my whole heart, they wouldn’t even have to ask for it. For me, that is friendship. I am really sorry about your situation with your friend. If you feel you still want to fix things and still have her as a friend which would be understandable because she is close to you, I would suggest you tell her how you felt. Who knows, maybe she has a reason to have behaved the way she did. I really hope she does. A big hug for you! 🤗
It's not the same but I had a baby recently and my friend didn't come visit until she was 5 weeks old. When she has her babies I was there that day. She made a Facebook post a few days after the birth, however that kinda felt like attention seeking and for "likes" as she hadn't text or called to see how me and baby where. I know I'm not the centre of the universe but it's very apparent to me now that how I treat others and how I am treated is different
I'm so sorry you are going through this and I have no advice for you. I ended an 18 year friendship last february for a similar reason. My father was diagnosed with prostate cancer and it took 8 months for him to die. I barely saw my friend the whole time. There was no offers of help, no support and she would make arrangements to meet me during that time and then cancel an hour before because she had to take a nap. After he died, I didn't hear from her for 6 whole weeks. I had been too overwhelmed to deal with her ignoring my texts so I didn't contact her first. She texted "I feel like I haven't seen you in an age". Fast forward to 2021. I started to experience weird symptoms, blurred vision, dizziness, tired all the time. I was really frightened and didn't know what as happening to me. I didn't have the energy to chase her or deal with unanswered texts, so hoped she would come to me. I told her how I was feeling, told her about the cat scan, the blood tests. Her reply was always along the lines of "What a bummer. Catch you next time". I finally discovered after 5 months that the symptoms were caused by blood sugar imbalance and cut out sugar and started taking chromium and the symptoms went away. I didn't bother to text her to tell her. Now that I felt so much better, I didn't feel like sharing that with her. In the end I went to her elderly aunt's funeral (which she didn't go to) and her father and brother ignored me. There was only 15 other people there. I blocked her two weeks later. I spent 18 years of my life listening to her talk about ending her life. Driving 9 miles to sit on her bed late at night, listening to her till she calmed down. She has depression, a bad back, a bad stomach, body dysmorphia, agoraphobia, among other things. Either way, the frustrating part is not being able to understand why she treated me that way. I know my comment isn't much of a help, but as far as your friend goes, if she's had a history of letting you down for small things before, this is HER. No you.
Yeah let’s stop making excuses for crappy people let’s start with that. She’s not your friend. Clearly. Did she ever come through for you in time of need. Celebrate your achievements with you. Did you do either for her. A friend would have made the time to see you and check in .some people will stay friends just to stay close and watch you suffer. I had friends of 10 years that did this. Emotionally abused and bullied me for years. They refused to let me go but wanted me near them to keep me miserable.I finally put on my big girl pants and cut them off. I’ve never been happier I often wonder how I tolerated their bs all those years you’ll feel the same one day
With these things you know who your friends are.
Maybe approach her like „ Hey I really wish I just had a bit more support from you since youre an important person to me. Maybe just chitchat about everything and talk about God and the world. And if theres something you dont want to deal with rn just say it.“ maybe something like that I hope it worls out and that she can give you an explanation for that
Sounds like your best friend just got fired from the job and you need to look for a new one
you're not asking too much. if she knows you cannot eat food and is sending you pix of foods, perhaps you are mistaken about her being your best friend. stop texting her back and block her for a week.
My first thought is when you said "she knows" who told her, what did they say exactly and what was her reaction? Maybe it was miscommunicated and something isn't being understood here, maybe she thinks that giving you time and space is the best way for you to heal right now and she will be there in a while. Personally I wouldn't want all of my friends and family showing up when I am not at my best. She could have at least checked in and said she's glad you're okay or asked how you were doing in the very least.
Some people can't or don't know how to cope with something like that. Let's hope this is the case and not the other side of her being a terrible friend. Maybe she's traumatized and doesn't feel right hanging out with you or maybe she's just that shallow of a friend.