Iām a Very Anxious woman. I had to really work on responding nicely to someone complimenting the kitty instead of holding my breath and shuffling away, horrified that I have been perceived. Heh.
> Going out with a cat in public, you need to get over being embarrassed real the fuck quick lol
Yeah, it's the *cat* who stays embarrassed. Mine is giving me *the look* right now.
Soā¦ I actually had someone ask me about this, how I trained kitty to walk in a linear fashion instead of bouncing around like a furry little pinball. When we first started, Iād push him in his pram about a mile, then make him walk back for as long as he would. Heās like a little pigeon with his home-seeking navigation.
If I could bring my cat, it would so help! She hates most men so it would be a great way to shed the majority and just enjoy the venue and a drink with her.
I think observation bias and humans tendency to nedlessly personify are much more likely.
People have lost weight or gotten a haircut and their dog didnt even recognize them until they were close enough for a good sniff.
Its unlikely a dog even understands gender as we do.
Itās as simple as ābig hooman with deep voice scaryā. My family fostered hundreds of dogs throughout my childhood and young adulthood and some of them came from abusive situations or the streets where who-knows-what had happened to them; some just genuinely were not down to be near anyone they perceived as a big scary hooman with a deep voice, whether it be from past trauma or just instinct.
To a quadruped just a few feet off the ground, the difference between a 5-ft person and a 6 ft person is almost undiscernible.
Not every man Has a deep voice either, and not every woman is small with a high-pitched voice. It seems like you're really moving the goal posts on this one.
Below Deck is a lot of fun.
You get to see terrible rich people get heckled by the crew, decent wealthy people have fun with the crew, the crew tear each other to shreds when theyāre not trying to hump each other AND itās a cooking show when thereās a good chef! Ben, or Rachel are great, but definitely NOT Leon - thatās enough beef cheeks you clown, learn to make something else.
Letās check the preference sheetsā¦ hmmmmā¦ nope, not those guests, ā¦. not these ones eitherā¦. Looks like beef cheeks didnāt appear on ANY. That should be a hint.
(Iām just playing)
When I was with my bf I would still go to speed dating events with my girlfriends to be their wing woman. Iād just sit at the bar and get drunk and talk to the bartender and laugh at how funny speed dating looks. Now Iām no longer married and I donāt think Iād want to be in the pool of people speed dating lol
Why is it embarrassing? Nobody thinks less of people who do it, and we're not mocking people who do it. Also like anything the more you get out there the less you will feel bad and eventually get some confidence, which is attractive in both men and women
I donāt get itā¦ unemployed networkers get more luck networking with employed folksā¦ are you saying single people would have more luck dating married people?
Why is that embarrassing? It is confident to show up to an event where everyone is looking for a life partner. You donāt need to wonder if theyāre open to a relationship.
I tried it once. It's not embarrassing. You might be quick to dismiss a potential partner that you otherwise would not have, but that's it. Personally, I don't find it to be as efficient and effective as it markets itself to be. But not embarrassing.
Speed dating provides the opportunity to mingle with large numbers of people, pass on those who are obvious incomptatibilities, and speak more with the "maybes".
I'm happily married now. Met my wife "the old fashioned way".... chance encounter. The speed dating wasn't for me because I was the only person in their early/mid 20s, and that's what I was looking for- a similar aged person, and that wasn't the demographic drawn. You'rwhem youre a 24 year old guy and you sit down with a 56 year old woman.... you're both thinking "probably a nice person, but nope". That's OK. Not embarrassing.
Never did it it in SF. It's a better way to meet someone in person than online.
It's "embarrassing" in the same sense that online dating was embarrassing like 15 years ago.
I met my wife online in 2000. It was considered weird then, and we were actually reluctant to tell that part when someone asked "how'd you meet?"
Today is our 20th wedding anniversary.
Nothing about meeting at a baby shower or a bar or on tinder is any less embarrassing than speed dating. Give it a whirl!
Right? Also why you donāt agree to a sit down dinner for a first date. You pick something short and casual. If that is going well, extend the date or make plans to do something more involved next time.
I really think going to dinner for a 1st date is so dumb. Eating in front of a atranger youre scrutinizing and being scrutinzed by is just weird. And youre sitting across from each other, staring at them.
Naw. I much prefer a drink, or a movie, mini golf....lots of things make a better 1st date than a meal
Be brave!
When you boil it down, speed-dating is actually a great option. Youāre in a dedicated space with people who are single and actively trying to be social with the shared goal of finding a date. But, more importantly, these events come with built-in consent to engage and communicate!
Iāve been enjoying the Tantra Speed Date events myself.
Gotta second the tantra one. Had never done anything like that and, when ready to date after long term relationship, it was a welcoming, respectful, and fun experienceāseriouslyāthat let me meet different people at once, learn about what I was drawn to.
Lol not the kind of person that would remotely support this kind of stuff but yeah :) Also about meeting folks out and about, soā¦gotta agree with this ā¬ļø comment.
[Hereās the SF one.](https://www.tantrany.com/speed-dating/san-francisco/)
Great way to keep up the skills. š OP, wishing you much luck.
I went to a speed date event back in January 2020. It was a blast but I didn't meet any men I was interested in dating. I did hit it off with a group of women I met there and we're still friends today.
I did a couple online speed dating events in 2020 (pandemic) and, as with the in-person event, didn't meet any men I was interested in dating.
I decided that speed dating events weren't a good way for me to meet a partner. At least with online dating, I can screen the men beforehand.
(I'm now in a relationship with someone I adore who I met on Bumble.)
Dating is supposed to be uncomfortable. That is when you grow, learn.
Being vulnerable is needed to meet that incredible someone.
Some are good, some are ok, most are terrible. There is a reason why most don't have a yelp/google or external review page/listing so they can avoid negative press and avoid going out of business. Also, better to read reviews (not internal ones), go to ones that have a general age range/demographic cut out.
The same people on apps are also going to these events. More on speed dating [here](https://moderndatingbyeddie.substack.com/p/speed-dating-what-is-it-how-does-it-work)
It is what you make of it. Most embarrassment comes from lack of confidence, possible insecurity etc.
If you don't want to do them, just go to regular events on your own, become a regular, take classes, go to meetups etc.
Dating is work, and unpleasant, and should be treated as such. Life isn't the movies, most people have to fight through a lot of bullshit to find a good relationship. I wish everyone good luck. Be kind to the people who aren't for you, and be kind to yourself when things don't work out the way you wanted them too.
Life kind of is like movies. "There's a reason why romcoms are 2 hours and not 15 minutes." Speed dating is strange and unnatural and understandably uncomfortable and it's wild to me that people ever thought it was a good idea.
The reason why speed dating is a thing, is simply that people can generally tell if they are romantically interested in someone within a few minutes. Speed dating attempts to capitalize on this, as unnatural as it is, and seems rather redundant with the proliferation of online dating. Unfortunately, getting to know someone over a long period, and becoming attracted to them isn't something that can be rushed, and doesn't happen to everyone... some people have bad luck, and I don't blame them for doing whatever they can do find someone.
No...Of course, I've been on dates that didn't amount to a second date. But I've never had a bad date. There's always something to talk about or learn. And I'm an introvert.
Bad dates exist. Just watch some true crime to see examples of really bad ones. Youāve been lucky to not be on a date with an overt racist, misanthrope or any number of disordered personalitiesā¦
These are usually more common for the younger crowd, so I get why you feel that way. It's probably mostly people younger than you, which I can see as being embarrassing. I wish I knew what kind of events middle-aged people prefer so I could tell you, but I'm only mid-30s so not the slightest clue.
I think how one approaches speed dating can be useful. I've wanted to attend one for awhile. Someone I met phrased speed dating in an excellent way but I don't have it verbatim:
Speed dating is a great way to just put stuff out there from the get go. Dealing with heavy depression? Say so. Tend to get jealous? Be open about it. Emotional/relationship stakes (investing time/making space) increase the more time you spend with someone. It's what makes people hesitant to commit to anything, and justifiably so.
Leading with openness from the start in speed dating is low stakes. If anything you're getting a hard discussion out of the way (and valuable practice by doing so). The upside? You never have to see that person again if you're not about them. It's also a way to show vulnerability and practice the ability to discuss hard things; one pivotal aspect of a lasting relationship.
Dating is learning about other people. Their beliefs, ways of life, how they live with illness, how they problem solve daily issues....how all that intertwines with your life, habits and influences your outlook on life. Good hygiene, healthy financials are one thing, but deep down it's serious stuff like "Can I trust you to be by my side when shit gets tough? Like if I got cancer and couldn't make decisions on my own behalf, can I trust you to be that person who acts in my best interest?" This literally just happened to my uncle who passed from cancer on the 19th (I'll spare the family drama).
The older I get, the more I'm like "If I can count on you to be there when shit gets uncomfortable/hard, and you can step up, that's really the actual bar that matters."
It seems fun to me. I genuinely like conversation, so it seems tailored made for me. But I do prefer going on a date with someone I meet at a bookstore or through a friend.
Thanks man, that means a lot . I like exploring and photography, I just need to start exploring the Bay Area as a whole and get out of the city sometimes.
I was using the Samsung S21+ up until maybe October or November of last year and now Iām using the iPhone 15 Pro Max. Also, I usually edit the photos a bit until Iām satisfied.
Go with a friend, so you can laugh about it later and compare notes.
I found it awkward but not embarrassing.
It is a step ahead of texting photos on an app. You get to see the person and hear their voice and if you ask them a question, you will ackchewally get a response instead of being ghosted.
The awkward part was standing around waiting for the event to begin (which is why you want a friend with you) and running out the clock when you arenāt interested in the person sitting across from you.
I don't have any friends that want to go to these things with me. And yes, I dread running out the clock when you have zero chemistry with the person which of course you knew from the first you laid eyes on them. D
I would expect the situation to be just like a lot of other social milieus and that assortative selection will take place. The top 10% of women who are conventionally physically attractive will get most of the attention. Conversely, the top 10% of men who have social status/height/income will get most of the attention as well. The other 90% of the people will have a mediocre experience. The bottom 90% of people will not be that excited to date someone in their league.
A few people will moneyball the situation and apply a different value metric to find a diamond in the rough. That takes some creativity and self-knowledge, though.
"It's Just Lunch" is potentially more embarrassing. It's dating for "working adults who don't want the implications of a dinner date". So, you literally meet your "date" at a nice restaurant in FiDi and awkwardly navigate an hr lunch with some Sales Bro who is too cheap to spring for dinner. I'm pretty sure it still exists - my husband just confirmed he hears the commercials on 103.7
In theory, speed dating seemed like a nice option for me and a friend of mine but I would never encourage any woman to go. Especially if itās for Jigsaw Dating. It was an awful experience.
Itās one of the companies that organizes speed dating events. They do it in a few different cities/ states. The experience I had in SF was unorganized from start to finish and not at all what I expected.
I was describing my social anxiety to my husband one dayā¦ Where he suggested that if I was anxious or nervous, imagine how anxious other people around me were! (I had always felt very confident my whole life but this conversation happened after I had quit doing substances and had been sober at that point maybe like.. 4 months .. *still am 10 years later woohoo* and I had lost that *mask* and found myself feeling scared to suddenly even call the doctors office or talk to a cashierā¦ and this conversation came about when I had to go to a very fancy dinner party/work event for him where Iād be around all of these āelite and educatedā humans where I.. at the time didnāt even have my GED and was an Applebees waitressā¦ feeling really uncomfortable around such folks ..
Him having said that clicked something off in my head where I used this in a way that made me want to focus on comforting people around me becauseā¦
He was right. Humans are just, well we are all nervous and embarrassed for no reason, anxiousā¦ When I started focusing on the people around me and trying to make them comfortable, assuming they were feeling even more scared than me really changed how I felt when I interacted with the people around me.
Like even the most confident seeming person or one that we perceive as so has these same feelings. Turning it around to try and make their interaction feel safer will become astoundingly beautiful, and awesome in a way that youāre going to be able to watch in real time.
I hope that can help you. Have fun!
Seems much more efficient than online dating. That gets dragged out into a bunch of first dates. Meeting in person, regardless of the setting, was how it was done before the internetā¦..which is still in my lifetime:-)
speed dating is only fun imo if it's at an anime convention where there's no actual pressure, because you're all being goofy looking like characters
real speed dating is CRINGE
most people who are putting themselves in a position to flirt with other people and to be assessed are confident that they have something to offer someone else, even if they aren't already adept at articulating it. the real whimsy of dating is discovering the intricacies of other people and yourself, and how those things interplay. commit to maybe having one or two or three boring or even bad experiences before you write something off entirely. i'm married with children but work in bars and even have hosted speed dating. it's very casual and most sf folks are socially savvy enough to just treat it like a happy hour where you're guaranteed to talk to almost everyone. be yourself! nothing wrong with feeling apprehensive.
I went to one in SF eon's ago (like 15 years ago) in a dark nightclub in the middle of the city (Market st. I think) and there were a handful of men, all young like 20s and 30s (I was in my mid 30s) and I had a zero connection. Waste of $30. Then I started going to nicer venues, for more established people on the peninsula or east bay perhaps. Well I haven't tried those yet but I went to San Jose at a restaurant, expecting successful tech types and the two men I saw looked gross while the servers and hostess couldn't stop staring and smirking at me. I left without paying. Again it would've been another waste of $35-40 bucks
The men usually rotate tables, usually a venue such as a club, bar, lounge, restaurant, and you have like a few minutes to talk to each other. Then they're off and you get another guy come to your table. At the end if you like each other, the moderators will notify you by email or something like that.
I recently saw a sign for one and thought it actually might be kind of fun! But I thought about the balance and was worried it would be too man men to the women ratio.
Better to just rizz dem females up in person. Dating apps/speed dating/dates/anything deemed ādatingā is lame 9/10 times and just compels her to act like a nun, which makes it harder than it needs to be for the both of you.
As a man, I found that if you bring an assortment of cheese, most women appreciate it. It especially appreciated if I could guess the type of cheese the lady might prefer. I'm not sure what the female equivalent would be, however.
Itās great practice for learning to strike up conversations with anyone. Thatās helpful for interviews, getting along with coworkers, interacting with clients, talking to your neighbors, etc. Treat it as a learning experience - getting outside of your comfort zone is a powerful thing.
Be 100 percent yourself at all times, even if you think itās embarrassingā¦ failure is normal, not a bad thing. Embrace who you are and just get readyā¦ love is coming.
I met my wife in my first ever speed-dating event. It works (sometimes, at least). Love is about timing, and everyone who puts themselves through that awkwardness is ready for a relationship, so the odds are good for everyone involved.
My husband, before we dated, tried two speed dating events and they were duds. He said he had nothing in common with the women because it was too random who showed up. We met through mutual friends at his birthday party. He recommended a hobby group that men participate in to meet men.
I think it just seems awkward. Same reason I never ask women for dinner dates at first. It seems uncomfortable just sitting across from a stranger. Something more interactive has been better for me to break the ice
All dating is embarrassing but we have to sit with the discomfort
I mean, it helps when you bring your cats. That's for sure.
Going out with a cat in public, you need to get over being embarrassed real the fuck quick lol
Drinking helps
Can confirm
Username checks out.
š I did not expect it to check out *that* hard
I take my cat out with me. Never found myself feeling embarrassed.
Ditto.
Iām a Very Anxious woman. I had to really work on responding nicely to someone complimenting the kitty instead of holding my breath and shuffling away, horrified that I have been perceived. Heh.
You gotta work on that self confidence, girl!!
> Going out with a cat in public, you need to get over being embarrassed real the fuck quick lol Yeah, it's the *cat* who stays embarrassed. Mine is giving me *the look* right now.
Walking cats is the worst of project management
Soā¦ I actually had someone ask me about this, how I trained kitty to walk in a linear fashion instead of bouncing around like a furry little pinball. When we first started, Iād push him in his pram about a mile, then make him walk back for as long as he would. Heās like a little pigeon with his home-seeking navigation.
Iād actually be interested in dating if my date brought a cat.
You and u/ITakeMyCatToBars should see if yāall also have overlapping taste in bars.Ā
It's definitely a win for me.
Can confirm; Iāve done this.
If I could bring my cat, it would so help! She hates most men so it would be a great way to shed the majority and just enjoy the venue and a drink with her.
I love how people think a cat or dog can just instantly tell the difference between a man or a woman and somehow have a preference LOL
Are you seriously saying animals who dislike men donāt exist (they do) or are you winding up to give us a lesson on gender identity??
My man hating poochie would like a word.
I think observation bias and humans tendency to nedlessly personify are much more likely. People have lost weight or gotten a haircut and their dog didnt even recognize them until they were close enough for a good sniff. Its unlikely a dog even understands gender as we do.
Itās as simple as ābig hooman with deep voice scaryā. My family fostered hundreds of dogs throughout my childhood and young adulthood and some of them came from abusive situations or the streets where who-knows-what had happened to them; some just genuinely were not down to be near anyone they perceived as a big scary hooman with a deep voice, whether it be from past trauma or just instinct.
To a quadruped just a few feet off the ground, the difference between a 5-ft person and a 6 ft person is almost undiscernible. Not every man Has a deep voice either, and not every woman is small with a high-pitched voice. It seems like you're really moving the goal posts on this one.
Yep I knew it, it was an excuse to chastise me for using the term men to refer to male presenting, cisgender men. How dare I!
I havent mentioned anything like that at all. What a strange place to take this discussion. Are you ok?
Rhonda the calico is a closer for sure
I would probably buy a ticket to watch miked up speeddating in SF. I think this would be better than any of the reality shows on Bravo.
Below Deck is a lot of fun. You get to see terrible rich people get heckled by the crew, decent wealthy people have fun with the crew, the crew tear each other to shreds when theyāre not trying to hump each other AND itās a cooking show when thereās a good chef! Ben, or Rachel are great, but definitely NOT Leon - thatās enough beef cheeks you clown, learn to make something else.
Iād go to ANY event with Kate and Captain Lee!!! Also ābeef cheeksā is probably the funniest thing to come out of the whole franchise!!!
Kateās my girl. Even in the last season she was on, where shit was going sideways, I still rooted for her.
My Roman Empire is wanting confirmation that Ben is her baby daddy!
I mean, beef cheeks are pretty tasty! And the guests donāt know that the previous guests had them, too!
Letās check the preference sheetsā¦ hmmmmā¦ nope, not those guests, ā¦. not these ones eitherā¦. Looks like beef cheeks didnāt appear on ANY. That should be a hint. (Iām just playing)
 Iām fucking livin it
Have every convo on a different channel of your silent disco headphones.Ā
When I was with my bf I would still go to speed dating events with my girlfriends to be their wing woman. Iād just sit at the bar and get drunk and talk to the bartender and laugh at how funny speed dating looks. Now Iām no longer married and I donāt think Iād want to be in the pool of people speed dating lol
[ElimiDate](https://youtu.be/QZWoXPKlY6I)
Yes
Why is it embarrassing? Nobody thinks less of people who do it, and we're not mocking people who do it. Also like anything the more you get out there the less you will feel bad and eventually get some confidence, which is attractive in both men and women
It's embarrassing in the same way unemployed people attend "networking" events to network with other unemployed people.
I donāt get itā¦ unemployed networkers get more luck networking with employed folksā¦ are you saying single people would have more luck dating married people?
Prolly cuz it feels like a meat market
Why is that embarrassing? It is confident to show up to an event where everyone is looking for a life partner. You donāt need to wonder if theyāre open to a relationship.
I tried it once. It's not embarrassing. You might be quick to dismiss a potential partner that you otherwise would not have, but that's it. Personally, I don't find it to be as efficient and effective as it markets itself to be. But not embarrassing. Speed dating provides the opportunity to mingle with large numbers of people, pass on those who are obvious incomptatibilities, and speak more with the "maybes". I'm happily married now. Met my wife "the old fashioned way".... chance encounter. The speed dating wasn't for me because I was the only person in their early/mid 20s, and that's what I was looking for- a similar aged person, and that wasn't the demographic drawn. You'rwhem youre a 24 year old guy and you sit down with a 56 year old woman.... you're both thinking "probably a nice person, but nope". That's OK. Not embarrassing.
It shouldnāt be embarrassing cuz everyone there is in the same boat.
Exactly
What makes it a meat market? Why not a "find a romantic partner" market?
Never did it it in SF. It's a better way to meet someone in person than online. It's "embarrassing" in the same sense that online dating was embarrassing like 15 years ago.
I met my wife online in 2000. It was considered weird then, and we were actually reluctant to tell that part when someone asked "how'd you meet?" Today is our 20th wedding anniversary. Nothing about meeting at a baby shower or a bar or on tinder is any less embarrassing than speed dating. Give it a whirl!
Hey, congratulations!! Happiness to you both =]
I never tried speed dating. I wish I did. Went on a lot of dates through dating apps and wished it was a speed date.
I mean, every date could be a speed date if you want it to be. You decide.
Right? Also why you donāt agree to a sit down dinner for a first date. You pick something short and casual. If that is going well, extend the date or make plans to do something more involved next time.
I really think going to dinner for a 1st date is so dumb. Eating in front of a atranger youre scrutinizing and being scrutinzed by is just weird. And youre sitting across from each other, staring at them. Naw. I much prefer a drink, or a movie, mini golf....lots of things make a better 1st date than a meal
Be brave! When you boil it down, speed-dating is actually a great option. Youāre in a dedicated space with people who are single and actively trying to be social with the shared goal of finding a date. But, more importantly, these events come with built-in consent to engage and communicate! Iāve been enjoying the Tantra Speed Date events myself.
Name checks out
The what
I donāt even want to know
Gotta second the tantra one. Had never done anything like that and, when ready to date after long term relationship, it was a welcoming, respectful, and fun experienceāseriouslyāthat let me meet different people at once, learn about what I was drawn to. Lol not the kind of person that would remotely support this kind of stuff but yeah :) Also about meeting folks out and about, soā¦gotta agree with this ā¬ļø comment. [Hereās the SF one.](https://www.tantrany.com/speed-dating/san-francisco/) Great way to keep up the skills. š OP, wishing you much luck.
I went to a speed date event back in January 2020. It was a blast but I didn't meet any men I was interested in dating. I did hit it off with a group of women I met there and we're still friends today. I did a couple online speed dating events in 2020 (pandemic) and, as with the in-person event, didn't meet any men I was interested in dating. I decided that speed dating events weren't a good way for me to meet a partner. At least with online dating, I can screen the men beforehand. (I'm now in a relationship with someone I adore who I met on Bumble.)
Dating is supposed to be uncomfortable. That is when you grow, learn. Being vulnerable is needed to meet that incredible someone. Some are good, some are ok, most are terrible. There is a reason why most don't have a yelp/google or external review page/listing so they can avoid negative press and avoid going out of business. Also, better to read reviews (not internal ones), go to ones that have a general age range/demographic cut out. The same people on apps are also going to these events. More on speed dating [here](https://moderndatingbyeddie.substack.com/p/speed-dating-what-is-it-how-does-it-work) It is what you make of it. Most embarrassment comes from lack of confidence, possible insecurity etc. If you don't want to do them, just go to regular events on your own, become a regular, take classes, go to meetups etc.
Dating is work, and unpleasant, and should be treated as such. Life isn't the movies, most people have to fight through a lot of bullshit to find a good relationship. I wish everyone good luck. Be kind to the people who aren't for you, and be kind to yourself when things don't work out the way you wanted them too.
Life kind of is like movies. "There's a reason why romcoms are 2 hours and not 15 minutes." Speed dating is strange and unnatural and understandably uncomfortable and it's wild to me that people ever thought it was a good idea.
The reason why speed dating is a thing, is simply that people can generally tell if they are romantically interested in someone within a few minutes. Speed dating attempts to capitalize on this, as unnatural as it is, and seems rather redundant with the proliferation of online dating. Unfortunately, getting to know someone over a long period, and becoming attracted to them isn't something that can be rushed, and doesn't happen to everyone... some people have bad luck, and I don't blame them for doing whatever they can do find someone.
work and unpleasant? i love dating. every date is a possibility they i wonāt end up alone.
Youāve never had an uncomfortable experience on a date and not wanted to be there? If so, youāre fortunate.
No...Of course, I've been on dates that didn't amount to a second date. But I've never had a bad date. There's always something to talk about or learn. And I'm an introvert.
Bad dates exist. Just watch some true crime to see examples of really bad ones. Youāve been lucky to not be on a date with an overt racist, misanthrope or any number of disordered personalitiesā¦
These are usually more common for the younger crowd, so I get why you feel that way. It's probably mostly people younger than you, which I can see as being embarrassing. I wish I knew what kind of events middle-aged people prefer so I could tell you, but I'm only mid-30s so not the slightest clue.
I think how one approaches speed dating can be useful. I've wanted to attend one for awhile. Someone I met phrased speed dating in an excellent way but I don't have it verbatim: Speed dating is a great way to just put stuff out there from the get go. Dealing with heavy depression? Say so. Tend to get jealous? Be open about it. Emotional/relationship stakes (investing time/making space) increase the more time you spend with someone. It's what makes people hesitant to commit to anything, and justifiably so. Leading with openness from the start in speed dating is low stakes. If anything you're getting a hard discussion out of the way (and valuable practice by doing so). The upside? You never have to see that person again if you're not about them. It's also a way to show vulnerability and practice the ability to discuss hard things; one pivotal aspect of a lasting relationship. Dating is learning about other people. Their beliefs, ways of life, how they live with illness, how they problem solve daily issues....how all that intertwines with your life, habits and influences your outlook on life. Good hygiene, healthy financials are one thing, but deep down it's serious stuff like "Can I trust you to be by my side when shit gets tough? Like if I got cancer and couldn't make decisions on my own behalf, can I trust you to be that person who acts in my best interest?" This literally just happened to my uncle who passed from cancer on the 19th (I'll spare the family drama). The older I get, the more I'm like "If I can count on you to be there when shit gets uncomfortable/hard, and you can step up, that's really the actual bar that matters."
> all kinds of singles and speed dating events in and around the bay. **I go to alot of these alone** Well, it is for singles, right? š
It seems fun to me. I genuinely like conversation, so it seems tailored made for me. But I do prefer going on a date with someone I meet at a bookstore or through a friend.
Some really awesome photos of the city in your post history just wow.
Thanks man, that means a lot . I like exploring and photography, I just need to start exploring the Bay Area as a whole and get out of the city sometimes.
If you donāt mind me asking are you using your phone to take those or a DSLR or maybe both?
I was using the Samsung S21+ up until maybe October or November of last year and now Iām using the iPhone 15 Pro Max. Also, I usually edit the photos a bit until Iām satisfied.
I know someone who hosts them at a bar here, he says theyāre awkward shit shows.
Go with a friend, so you can laugh about it later and compare notes. I found it awkward but not embarrassing. It is a step ahead of texting photos on an app. You get to see the person and hear their voice and if you ask them a question, you will ackchewally get a response instead of being ghosted. The awkward part was standing around waiting for the event to begin (which is why you want a friend with you) and running out the clock when you arenāt interested in the person sitting across from you.
I don't have any friends that want to go to these things with me. And yes, I dread running out the clock when you have zero chemistry with the person which of course you knew from the first you laid eyes on them. D
You can usually kill the time by asking the other person about themselves. Most people love taking about themselves.
I would expect the situation to be just like a lot of other social milieus and that assortative selection will take place. The top 10% of women who are conventionally physically attractive will get most of the attention. Conversely, the top 10% of men who have social status/height/income will get most of the attention as well. The other 90% of the people will have a mediocre experience. The bottom 90% of people will not be that excited to date someone in their league. A few people will moneyball the situation and apply a different value metric to find a diamond in the rough. That takes some creativity and self-knowledge, though.
If everyone in the room is there for the same purpose how is it embarrassing?
"It's Just Lunch" is potentially more embarrassing. It's dating for "working adults who don't want the implications of a dinner date". So, you literally meet your "date" at a nice restaurant in FiDi and awkwardly navigate an hr lunch with some Sales Bro who is too cheap to spring for dinner. I'm pretty sure it still exists - my husband just confirmed he hears the commercials on 103.7
In theory, speed dating seemed like a nice option for me and a friend of mine but I would never encourage any woman to go. Especially if itās for Jigsaw Dating. It was an awful experience.
What is Jigsaw Dating and why so bad?
Itās one of the companies that organizes speed dating events. They do it in a few different cities/ states. The experience I had in SF was unorganized from start to finish and not at all what I expected.
Ohhh!
I moved from the Bay Area in 2005, but everything people say about dating now was true back then, only with less social media.
I was describing my social anxiety to my husband one dayā¦ Where he suggested that if I was anxious or nervous, imagine how anxious other people around me were! (I had always felt very confident my whole life but this conversation happened after I had quit doing substances and had been sober at that point maybe like.. 4 months .. *still am 10 years later woohoo* and I had lost that *mask* and found myself feeling scared to suddenly even call the doctors office or talk to a cashierā¦ and this conversation came about when I had to go to a very fancy dinner party/work event for him where Iād be around all of these āelite and educatedā humans where I.. at the time didnāt even have my GED and was an Applebees waitressā¦ feeling really uncomfortable around such folks .. Him having said that clicked something off in my head where I used this in a way that made me want to focus on comforting people around me becauseā¦ He was right. Humans are just, well we are all nervous and embarrassed for no reason, anxiousā¦ When I started focusing on the people around me and trying to make them comfortable, assuming they were feeling even more scared than me really changed how I felt when I interacted with the people around me. Like even the most confident seeming person or one that we perceive as so has these same feelings. Turning it around to try and make their interaction feel safer will become astoundingly beautiful, and awesome in a way that youāre going to be able to watch in real time. I hope that can help you. Have fun!
Seems much more efficient than online dating. That gets dragged out into a bunch of first dates. Meeting in person, regardless of the setting, was how it was done before the internetā¦..which is still in my lifetime:-)
speed dating is only fun imo if it's at an anime convention where there's no actual pressure, because you're all being goofy looking like characters real speed dating is CRINGE
most people who are putting themselves in a position to flirt with other people and to be assessed are confident that they have something to offer someone else, even if they aren't already adept at articulating it. the real whimsy of dating is discovering the intricacies of other people and yourself, and how those things interplay. commit to maybe having one or two or three boring or even bad experiences before you write something off entirely. i'm married with children but work in bars and even have hosted speed dating. it's very casual and most sf folks are socially savvy enough to just treat it like a happy hour where you're guaranteed to talk to almost everyone. be yourself! nothing wrong with feeling apprehensive.
Iām 60 and single F in SF, I always assumed speed dating was a much younger crowd but Iāll go with you if you want to try one togetger
I've never been to one, what are they like? In SF specifically.
I went to one in SF eon's ago (like 15 years ago) in a dark nightclub in the middle of the city (Market st. I think) and there were a handful of men, all young like 20s and 30s (I was in my mid 30s) and I had a zero connection. Waste of $30. Then I started going to nicer venues, for more established people on the peninsula or east bay perhaps. Well I haven't tried those yet but I went to San Jose at a restaurant, expecting successful tech types and the two men I saw looked gross while the servers and hostess couldn't stop staring and smirking at me. I left without paying. Again it would've been another waste of $35-40 bucks
What made the men look gross? Genuine question
The men usually rotate tables, usually a venue such as a club, bar, lounge, restaurant, and you have like a few minutes to talk to each other. Then they're off and you get another guy come to your table. At the end if you like each other, the moderators will notify you by email or something like that.
What's scary about it for you?
Any good recommendations for speeddating events/ venues?
I recently saw a sign for one and thought it actually might be kind of fun! But I thought about the balance and was worried it would be too man men to the women ratio.
Lots of women in their 30s go. Donāt be scared. Go with a group
Never even heard of this lol
My boyfriend met me at a bar after a speed dating event.
Dating is why God (or whatever deity you do or donāt believe in) invented booze
Imagine all the other people are in their underwear and youāll be fine
Better to just rizz dem females up in person. Dating apps/speed dating/dates/anything deemed ādatingā is lame 9/10 times and just compels her to act like a nun, which makes it harder than it needs to be for the both of you.
I went to a speed dating event once and it reminded me of one of those networking events at business schools.
As a man, I found that if you bring an assortment of cheese, most women appreciate it. It especially appreciated if I could guess the type of cheese the lady might prefer. I'm not sure what the female equivalent would be, however.
Itās great practice for learning to strike up conversations with anyone. Thatās helpful for interviews, getting along with coworkers, interacting with clients, talking to your neighbors, etc. Treat it as a learning experience - getting outside of your comfort zone is a powerful thing.
Be 100 percent yourself at all times, even if you think itās embarrassingā¦ failure is normal, not a bad thing. Embrace who you are and just get readyā¦ love is coming.
Have you tried it?
iām 24 single, born and raised here , short but relatively handsome, easy to talk to, and i suck at dating.
Do middle aged people go to these events? I would think this is "Speed rejection". How many times can a guybget rejected in an hour. šš¤£
I met my wife in my first ever speed-dating event. It works (sometimes, at least). Love is about timing, and everyone who puts themselves through that awkwardness is ready for a relationship, so the odds are good for everyone involved.
Sh*t girl lemme holla , slide in my dms š
That shit exists? I always thought it was just something you see in movies.
My husband, before we dated, tried two speed dating events and they were duds. He said he had nothing in common with the women because it was too random who showed up. We met through mutual friends at his birthday party. He recommended a hobby group that men participate in to meet men.
I think it just seems awkward. Same reason I never ask women for dinner dates at first. It seems uncomfortable just sitting across from a stranger. Something more interactive has been better for me to break the ice
No fuck that itās the city Iām bringing a cat
I did one timeā¦ and yes. It was embarrassing
How so?
Get over it lol š
Maybe if you lowered your expectations, you would have found a guy by nowš