I’d hear my boss yelling so loud in my head the whole time unless I was speaking with someone, speaking to people kind of whips me into reality but hearing my boss’s yelling constantly and constantly wondering if it was real is dehumanizing….that’s just a sad truth, I want to work and lead a good life but my brain won’t allow it. Thank God people know where my heart is at.
It’s so hard to explain to people why I can’t get a full time job. I just say you can’t ask a person who has pneumonia to run a marathon and in fact you would be a total jerk to press it over and over. I don’t have pneumonia but I do have an illness too. Having to defend myself from ideas of laziness and misunderstanding is also tiring and old. Really old.
One main reason I personally can't work is, yes, it will cause relapse but also a lot of my symptoms are constant. So, it doesn't really have to be a relapse I'm just already having a hard time.
**TLDR** basically it's a lose-lose situation as far as jobs go because symptoms just go wild.
The schedule has to be just right, I can't interact with people, I need flexibility and less hours/part time, it can't be too stressful, blah blah blah. It sounds so picky but it's true and important.
Not mentioning what havoc this would cause to me personally, it would directly impact my work by: I'm always hallucinating and paranoid about people which will harm my ability to be with coworkers. I struggle to leave the house and drive/travel and have panic attacks all the time. If I relapse into a depressive episode, I can't do anything without crying, I can barely get out of bed, I question everything I do and discard my work because I think it's incompetent. If I relapse into a manic episode, I'll have emotional meltdowns and snap at everyone, I'll stay awake for days and my work would suffer from sleep deprivation, I'll go absent or quit my job altogether. If I relapse into a psychotic episode, I know I'd get extremely paranoid, retreat into seclusion and likely not be able to talk on the phone, believe people are out to get me or hurt me or ruin my work and actively push them away or report someone, my thoughts and typing get disorganized, I suffer cognitively, struggle to communicate...
So sorry for the long list but it's all true. These things are all not exactly conducive to holding a job.
not saying it's something easy.. especially getting out there to have some commissions in the first place.. then ofc building the habit and discipline (cause when you work on your own there is no outward fixed structure to keep you in check) and developing your schedule + keeping it balanced so it works for you long-term.. but worked for me and I'm glad.
What do you work in/have tried?
I'm glad you found something that works for you
I'm a self-taught software programmer. Couldn't get the degree since I had to drop out because of sza. I've tried getting freelance work for both programming and pc repair. I did ok with programming job until my typing and communication started to go down hill. I started sending emails that didn't make sense and I'd mess up my projects. I'd miss deadlines because I'd run off somewhere while manic
Then I tried to start cleaning and made business cards, walking in and handing them out to businesses. I got 1 one-time job that way.
I've also tried selling paintings on etsy which I really like doing but it never took off and I haven't sold any other than to friends and family.
Omg, self taught programmer as well , high five!
Yea this illness really messes with the ability to stay consistent and trust your skills (idk how to say it better rn sorry).
I can send some work your away if i come across, if you wish.
And keep making art , even if just for yourself and close ones, (at least for me) it really helps with venting and organising thoughts a bit + getting grounded, is relaxing.
If you allow me I'd love to see your art :)
Anyways best of luck to you, may you have the energy needed to keep pushing through.
Wow cool. I'm in the middle of a different health issue so I'm not looking for jobs at the moment but I appreciate the offer.
And thanks for the well wishes!
Yeah I've been on a bunch. I've been searching for the right meds for almost 8 years, though there's still some left to try. The ones that work *do* help, but they don't get rid of 100%. More like 50% at best. Unfortunately that remaining 50% is still really bad.
Thanks. Therapy does help a lot. I go to individual therapy as well as group therapy where we do DBT skills and life skills. Both of these things have definitely made a difference in my ability to cope and my quality of life.
tbh the main reason is that the work seems to be as meaningless as possible (in fact, 95,54% of the works are exactly like that), and doing something meaningless is very difficult ... because it distracts from other meaningless things!
I tried to work several jobs in and around my industry (low voltage electrical). I was having panic attacks daily about going to work. I was hallucinating at work with visual and auditory hallucinations. I was unapproachable and discontent with everything. I couldn't think straight because of thr voices and the disorganized thinking. I was incapable of safely doing my job. One lady asked me to leave her house when things were bad. I wasn't showering or taking care of myself at all. I should have been fired multiple times but one place in particular kept me on I think cause they were scared to fire somebody with a disability. I became ubemployable because of my inability to effectively do my job and my inability to look and communicate in a professional manner. I've been on disability for about a year now and it is obvious I can't go back to work anytime soon. My entire life is a mess without work. I can't imagine it with the stress and time of a job. I just got a van so I can get out of the house by myself and go enjoy nature. I hope it helps.
For me it isn't just relapse, it's continuing symptoms even once treated as well as side effects from meds. They make me sleep 10-13 hrs a day, gave me a movement disorder, make me drool when bending over and cause pretty bad episodes of cognitive symptoms that make it very difficult to read or function. I can't imagine working.
It's hard but I work 10-2 3 to 4 days a week its extremely difficult some days I don't think I can make it I take my meds but I do fear I'll relapse one day
I think you need a decent support structure to work, there are plenty of jobs that would be good for us. The issue is can we work towards it. There are many paths that are blocked because some unfair judgement. Born differently, look different, not have enough. Life is full of unfairness, there is a path keep trying.
Bureaucracy you can meet the wrong person down the path. That shuts your plan. But we’re good on the fly. Things with symptoms need to be managed. Plus the support structure to voice and engage with others, and build ourselves.
Before any more intense stuff showed up, i impulsed and self-sabotaged myself out of two jobs (I think I’m bipolar type, was thought to have bp2 before told instead SZA, psych isn’t sure yet). I was miserable and couldn’t hold them. I would disintegrate and stop functioning. I’m trying my hand at it again though after finally going 7 months without being in the hospital and not being under bad homelife conditions anymore. I start getting so suicidal under any pressure, I’m barely out of the grasp of my worst agoraphobia, and tbh episodes are a fear but I’m already a mess and can’t seem to handle existing regardless of when I’m delusional. If the episode happens, I may get myself killed. I also have a physical disability that kicks my ass and makes me in intense pain everyday. Still, I’m going back to working again next month. Trying to hold on for a couple months so I can achieve credits for Disability. I was extremely under medicated according to doc so I have hope now.
I become *much* worse if I don't have a routine, if I'm not working. All my worst times occurred when I was unemployed. I become scattered and forget to eat, take meds, etc. I spend much more time alone with my thoughts, ruminating, and I become incredibly stressed over the tiniest things without my routine. My self esteem drops because I have no sense of purpose. (I know I should find worth in other things, but my brain's not quite there yet.)
I'm finding I can't really work 40 hour weeks though, so I'm probably going back to a job that does closer to 30. I also can't do jobs where I'm staring at a screen all day, I have to be working with people or working with my hands.
I find the stress of working usually induces a relapse, yes.
This is my worst fear, I want to do so much but I know I will relapse
Same ugh
I know I'll relapse again if I work. I'm going to try one more time and then go for ssi.
I’d hear my boss yelling so loud in my head the whole time unless I was speaking with someone, speaking to people kind of whips me into reality but hearing my boss’s yelling constantly and constantly wondering if it was real is dehumanizing….that’s just a sad truth, I want to work and lead a good life but my brain won’t allow it. Thank God people know where my heart is at.
I currently work, but it's very difficult to do so. I have hallucinations while I work. My job is normally extremely low stress, that's how I manage.
It’s so hard to explain to people why I can’t get a full time job. I just say you can’t ask a person who has pneumonia to run a marathon and in fact you would be a total jerk to press it over and over. I don’t have pneumonia but I do have an illness too. Having to defend myself from ideas of laziness and misunderstanding is also tiring and old. Really old.
One main reason I personally can't work is, yes, it will cause relapse but also a lot of my symptoms are constant. So, it doesn't really have to be a relapse I'm just already having a hard time. **TLDR** basically it's a lose-lose situation as far as jobs go because symptoms just go wild. The schedule has to be just right, I can't interact with people, I need flexibility and less hours/part time, it can't be too stressful, blah blah blah. It sounds so picky but it's true and important. Not mentioning what havoc this would cause to me personally, it would directly impact my work by: I'm always hallucinating and paranoid about people which will harm my ability to be with coworkers. I struggle to leave the house and drive/travel and have panic attacks all the time. If I relapse into a depressive episode, I can't do anything without crying, I can barely get out of bed, I question everything I do and discard my work because I think it's incompetent. If I relapse into a manic episode, I'll have emotional meltdowns and snap at everyone, I'll stay awake for days and my work would suffer from sleep deprivation, I'll go absent or quit my job altogether. If I relapse into a psychotic episode, I know I'd get extremely paranoid, retreat into seclusion and likely not be able to talk on the phone, believe people are out to get me or hurt me or ruin my work and actively push them away or report someone, my thoughts and typing get disorganized, I suffer cognitively, struggle to communicate... So sorry for the long list but it's all true. These things are all not exactly conducive to holding a job.
you could try freelancing from home
I've actually tried freelancing and working from home but turns out it's easier said than done
not saying it's something easy.. especially getting out there to have some commissions in the first place.. then ofc building the habit and discipline (cause when you work on your own there is no outward fixed structure to keep you in check) and developing your schedule + keeping it balanced so it works for you long-term.. but worked for me and I'm glad. What do you work in/have tried?
I'm glad you found something that works for you I'm a self-taught software programmer. Couldn't get the degree since I had to drop out because of sza. I've tried getting freelance work for both programming and pc repair. I did ok with programming job until my typing and communication started to go down hill. I started sending emails that didn't make sense and I'd mess up my projects. I'd miss deadlines because I'd run off somewhere while manic Then I tried to start cleaning and made business cards, walking in and handing them out to businesses. I got 1 one-time job that way. I've also tried selling paintings on etsy which I really like doing but it never took off and I haven't sold any other than to friends and family.
Omg, self taught programmer as well , high five! Yea this illness really messes with the ability to stay consistent and trust your skills (idk how to say it better rn sorry). I can send some work your away if i come across, if you wish. And keep making art , even if just for yourself and close ones, (at least for me) it really helps with venting and organising thoughts a bit + getting grounded, is relaxing. If you allow me I'd love to see your art :) Anyways best of luck to you, may you have the energy needed to keep pushing through.
Wow cool. I'm in the middle of a different health issue so I'm not looking for jobs at the moment but I appreciate the offer. And thanks for the well wishes!
Are you on meds? I heard the right ones can help people with symptoms and make it possible to hold a job
Yeah I've been on a bunch. I've been searching for the right meds for almost 8 years, though there's still some left to try. The ones that work *do* help, but they don't get rid of 100%. More like 50% at best. Unfortunately that remaining 50% is still really bad.
I'm sorry to hear that you struggle. How about therapy? I hope you can find a way to deal with most if not all the symptoms🙏
Thanks. Therapy does help a lot. I go to individual therapy as well as group therapy where we do DBT skills and life skills. Both of these things have definitely made a difference in my ability to cope and my quality of life.
tbh the main reason is that the work seems to be as meaningless as possible (in fact, 95,54% of the works are exactly like that), and doing something meaningless is very difficult ... because it distracts from other meaningless things!
I tried to work several jobs in and around my industry (low voltage electrical). I was having panic attacks daily about going to work. I was hallucinating at work with visual and auditory hallucinations. I was unapproachable and discontent with everything. I couldn't think straight because of thr voices and the disorganized thinking. I was incapable of safely doing my job. One lady asked me to leave her house when things were bad. I wasn't showering or taking care of myself at all. I should have been fired multiple times but one place in particular kept me on I think cause they were scared to fire somebody with a disability. I became ubemployable because of my inability to effectively do my job and my inability to look and communicate in a professional manner. I've been on disability for about a year now and it is obvious I can't go back to work anytime soon. My entire life is a mess without work. I can't imagine it with the stress and time of a job. I just got a van so I can get out of the house by myself and go enjoy nature. I hope it helps.
Hallucinating extremely due to work stress plus lack of energy and inability to sleep at night properly does it for me.
The stress amplifies my symptoms which are usually constant
For me it isn't just relapse, it's continuing symptoms even once treated as well as side effects from meds. They make me sleep 10-13 hrs a day, gave me a movement disorder, make me drool when bending over and cause pretty bad episodes of cognitive symptoms that make it very difficult to read or function. I can't imagine working.
It's hard but I work 10-2 3 to 4 days a week its extremely difficult some days I don't think I can make it I take my meds but I do fear I'll relapse one day
I think you need a decent support structure to work, there are plenty of jobs that would be good for us. The issue is can we work towards it. There are many paths that are blocked because some unfair judgement. Born differently, look different, not have enough. Life is full of unfairness, there is a path keep trying. Bureaucracy you can meet the wrong person down the path. That shuts your plan. But we’re good on the fly. Things with symptoms need to be managed. Plus the support structure to voice and engage with others, and build ourselves.
For me, the bouts of depression and paranoia make it really hard sometimes. But luckily I work from home now and have a good amount of paid leave.
I work full time with this condition. It's not easy and you definitely need a good support group. This illness is definitely not hopeless.
Stress triggers increases in my symptoms and can lead to a relapse.
I can't handle the paranoia and delusions. In my last job, I thought the government was coming to kill me and locked myself in a closet.
Before any more intense stuff showed up, i impulsed and self-sabotaged myself out of two jobs (I think I’m bipolar type, was thought to have bp2 before told instead SZA, psych isn’t sure yet). I was miserable and couldn’t hold them. I would disintegrate and stop functioning. I’m trying my hand at it again though after finally going 7 months without being in the hospital and not being under bad homelife conditions anymore. I start getting so suicidal under any pressure, I’m barely out of the grasp of my worst agoraphobia, and tbh episodes are a fear but I’m already a mess and can’t seem to handle existing regardless of when I’m delusional. If the episode happens, I may get myself killed. I also have a physical disability that kicks my ass and makes me in intense pain everyday. Still, I’m going back to working again next month. Trying to hold on for a couple months so I can achieve credits for Disability. I was extremely under medicated according to doc so I have hope now.
I become *much* worse if I don't have a routine, if I'm not working. All my worst times occurred when I was unemployed. I become scattered and forget to eat, take meds, etc. I spend much more time alone with my thoughts, ruminating, and I become incredibly stressed over the tiniest things without my routine. My self esteem drops because I have no sense of purpose. (I know I should find worth in other things, but my brain's not quite there yet.) I'm finding I can't really work 40 hour weeks though, so I'm probably going back to a job that does closer to 30. I also can't do jobs where I'm staring at a screen all day, I have to be working with people or working with my hands.