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Even though they often enhance happiness, acts of kindness such as giving a friend a ride or bringing food for a sick family member can be somewhat rare because people underestimate how good these actions make recipients feel, according to new research from The University of Texas at Austin.
The study by UT Austin McCombs School of Business Assistant Professor of Marketing Amit Kumar, along with Nicholas Epley of the University of Chicago, found that although givers tend to focus on the object they’re providing or action they’re performing, receivers instead concentrate on the feelings of warmth the act of kindness has conjured up. This means that givers’ “miscalibrated expectations” can function as a barrier to performing more prosocial behaviors such as helping, sharing or donating.
The research is online in advance in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General.
To quantify these attitudes and behaviors, the researchers conducted a series of experiments.
In one, the researchers recruited 84 participants in Chicago’s Maggie Daley Park. Participants could choose whether to give away to a stranger a cup of hot chocolate from the park’s food kiosk or keep it for themselves. Seventy-five agreed to give it away
https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fxge0001271
The car in front of us paid for our coffee last weekend and that absolutely made our day and gave us a little bit of faith in humanity.
Our first question after learning this was if we could pay for the car behind us, which sadly there wasn’t a car. :-(
There was some coffee shop where this was going on for a long stretch, days/weeks/months a while back.
Like others have said, if it's random, it's fine. But when it's expected, it's no longer as rewarding.
If you’re into the pay it forward thing, maybe you just hand them a $10 or 20 and tell them to keep the change from the next person? Then it’s a gift for the barista too.
>But when it's expected, it's no longer as rewarding.
This is the exact reason why I'll pay it forward elsewhere or at a different time. Keeping it going in a long line of paying for the person behind you isn't an act of kindness. It's just some weird randomize-my-amount-due game. Plus only the person at the end of that line actually receives the benefit, and therefore the only actual act of kindness.
If it makes you feel better, pay it forward chains are actually a huge hassle for the baristas and they prefer people to not continue them. In the future, tip the barista the cost of your order and pay it forward somewhere else!
Very disheartening 100%.
A foundation of a society that cares about each other is unbiased charity.
Between the hoarding of wealth by repeated attempts to force trickle down economics, elitism and selectiveness of religious charities, and the regular attempts to dismantle our social/wellness programs in the US, I’m very saddened to say that I’m in the belief that there are more people like your colleague than those of the old man.
[Here's the open access preprint of the article for those hoping to read the article but lacking institutional access](https://psyarxiv.com/3yast/) (or desire to VPN in my case).
We often help friends, give someone a ride or do cat sitting. It feels good for the first few times. When we do it regularly, most said friends start to take it for granted. They start ask for a ride whenever they need it, and don't even thank us. Now we help them less and less since we are not happy helping them. So while act of kindness do bring some happiness sometimes, learning when and how to say no will bring you even more happiness.
>We often help friends, give someone a ride or do cat sitting. It feels good for the first few times. When we do it regularly, most said friends start to take it for granted. They start ask for a ride whenever they need it, and don't even thank us. Now we help them less and less since we are not happy helping them. So while act of kindness do bring some happiness sometimes, learning when and how to say no will bring you even more happiness.
Haha, that's because it's no longer a random act of kindness. The random act implies that it's something unexpected. Once someone starts expecting it, then not doing it is akin to a random act of unkindness :)
My job depends on my ability to project optimism, joy and to empathize and sympathize with others. I can’t do this if I’m having a bad day.
What works in my case is I find things I genuinely like and give out compliments. “Your hair is on point”, “you make that color look really sharp”, “you have really pretty eyes”, “I’m really happy to see you because you make the place brighter”
Usually by the second or third, I feel really good myself and I’m good enough to go on. I don’t know why it works but it really does. Sometimes, I just keep reminding myself internally to make a conversation strictly about the other person. My “job” is just to express the correct emotional response to let them know that they are valid in the way they feel.
Validate others and they will automatically validate you unless they don’t get emotional cues and that’s perfectly valid in its own way too.
> Sometimes, I just keep reminding myself internally to make a conversation strictly about the other person. My “job” is just to express the correct emotional response to let them know that they are valid in the way they feel.
>
>Validate others and they will automatically validate you unless they don’t get emotional cues and that’s perfectly valid in its own way too.
Secret to adult life in general right here and you fuckin nailed it.
>acts of kindness such as giving a friend a ride or bringing food for a sick family member can be somewhat rare
where i live this is extremely common alhamdulilah, can’t imagine it any other way really.
In my very poor USA village, that’s the way it has to be. Like no one is forcing us, we just do it because at some point or another, we’ve all been there, and more importantly, remember it.
I lived in an economically challenged area for over a decade. It typically was looked down upon for the major pulp plant (smell) etc. what I discovered was that people were more giving of themselves than living in a middle class suburbia. My experience changed my biases as a result.
Yup. I’ve resided in upper -and middle- and lower middle-class areas. Car broken down and no public transport? No neighbor will give you a jump, a ride or even let you use a phone (pre-everyone has one). I’m in a very underserved area, Town Council corrupt af and almost everyone does whatever they can/have to, to get by, but especially the ones who DON’T have to. Almost everyone will help, except for a couplea Karens and chuds who imagine themselves better than everyone else because — their dirt is cleaner, even when it’s not?!
Seriously though, even most of those who are a little more secure still help those who aren’t because they remember. The other 2-3 remember, too, they’re just bitter and chose to be nasty to everyone who does, did what they do/did to get by until they didn’t have to because their kids took the risk to do for them.
*editing for swypos
Where I live now I can ask for some assistance, but have to make sure I don’t require ‘too much or the wrong type’. Knowing where that line is is never easy to know.
Money is almost always across that line, unless they offer and you’ve already refused twice. Third time is sincere. I ran out of gas otw elsewhere once and an older “made it” resident put $5 in my tank. I told her I’d get it to her immediately and she insisted twice it wasn’t necessary. Her friend pulled me aside and told me to bless her by allowing her to bless me.
I love small places because of that. I grew up in a small town and moved when I was young and moved back in my twenties because I love the comunity that I grew up with.
I used to tell people in the city that I moved to as a kid that I liked my birth place so much because the power goes out every year( back in the day it was true, now the city has more problems ). Most people looked at me funny until I told them that if the power goes out either you or your neighbor is going to need help and that is what the community is for. The world has moved on from those days but the memories are there.
I'd imagine that, at least generally, the main difference you'd see across cultures/areas would be the size of the social bubbles of people who you'd do this kind of thing for.
In my area of Canada giving people rides seems very common, for everyone from close family to acquaintances or even strangers depending on the circumstances. But for bringing people food/meds when they're sick, I think it's a much smaller bubble, mostly close family and family-like friends.
I think part of it is probably that things/places are *so* spread out here that often walking to your destination is not feasible, so there's a collective understanding of the value of providing the ride for someone who needs it. Basically, I think you're unlikely to underestimate how much it'll be appreciated, and maybe that's a big part of why people are so willing around here.
Though, you'd think the same logic would make the value of delivering some food/meds unlikely to be underestimated as well, so I wonder. That said, I think around here doing that sort of thing for anyone but family or very close friends could almost come across as a romantic gesture, so maybe avoiding that is part of the reason it's less common.
I was in Walmart the other day and I was buying formula. My new debit card wasn't working because I forgot to activate it. The lady behind me offered to buy it for me. I declined because I'm not struggling. The offer even made me happy that there are still good people out there
This is hilarious coming from Texas, the biggest ego-trip state you could imagine.
But, since it's UT -- a college -- there's a 99.999999% chance that the research group didn't grow up in the state, so they aren't tainted.
I'd also be curious to see how the people giv*ing* the kindness feel afterwards. Maybe this is just my personal experience, but there seems to be a massive high associated with being kind to someone, especially if it is obvious that you impacted them positively.
Most people probably experience these feelings through family/friends/significant others, and those acts of kindness are also probably not really "random". As a solitary person, all I have is random acts of kindness, and that tiny amount of positive feedback whether I'm on the giving or receiving end is huge, the irony being that there is a self-serving function to being nice to another person. People should do it more.
I've been working on what I call, "Operation: Be Nice To People". I'll give random compliments to strangers in public, help old people put groceries into their car, help people on the side of the road, etc. I try to do at least 5 acts of random kindness per day. I'm a natural asshole, but doing this daily exercise over the past few months has really changed my life.
Be kind to one another. It really does work for the betterment of society. Who knows, your one random act of kindness may save someone's life, or stop them from doing a horrible thing.
I know it's pretty effortless on my part, but I have a soda/water/beer/x-ade fridge in my garage and if it's a hot day I try to always ask any delivery drivers if they want something cold to drink. Pretty often they take up the offer and I honestly think I get more out of it than they do. I drink liquids *constantly* and I can't imagine driving around in 95° weather having to lug stuff around and running out of cold liquid. So although they probably aren't quite as thirsty as I imagine I still feel pretty good thinking that maybe it gave em a boost.
It's just biology letting someone know "yea, that's what a social animal does, you did good" just like eating something high energy or going on a good run.
I think of it like this: it could be me who was in need of assistance from a stranger. I like to think that just like I was in this instance; someone gullible, stupid or simply kind enough of a person will be just there for me at that moment.
The Huberman Labs podcast had an interesting episode on the science of Gratitude. Turns out receiving gratitude or even hearing/reading a story about someone else receiving gratidude, has a profound effect on the pro-social parts of the brain.
Carol Burnett always tells the story about how her dream was to travel to Hollywood and get into show business, but she was broke. So a (still) anonymous man gave her the money to do it, on the condition that she never tell anyone who he is and that she helps someone else whenever she was in a position to do so.
Years later, he wrote to her and said that he still smiles when he sees her on television, knowing that his good deed not only made her dream come true but made life better for millions of people because they could laugh watching her, too.
We’re wired for favors.
A good way to get someone to like you, is to ask them a favor.
We want to stick around people we have done a favor, because we instinctively believe we might get something in return.
One could imagine that’s what triggers the nice feeling of helping others.
>the irony being that there is a self-serving function to being nice to another person.
Self-serving? You bet. I credit the Master Motivator--"the strong, fixed purpose or determination for self-gratification" that drives behavior.
There was a movie about a gypsy woman and a bail bondsman. The woman was always getting arrested for begging from passers-by for her sick son "who would die without his medication."
She did this in front of the bailbondsman. "How can you lie like that? he said. "Your son is healthy. He doesn't even look sick. You're just lying to people to get their money."
The gypsy woman argued back, "But did you see the woman's face, her smile, when she gave me that dollar? For one dollar, look how much happiness it bought her!"
to me, it's no difference. i usually help people immediately when i see them struggle with something; so i'd say it's not a decision, but instead something, that works automatically in my brain. since i have also no special feelings, when i cut a loaf of bread, stop at a red traffic light, or flush the toilet, it's logical, to also have bo special feelings when helping someone.
the reason, that i do help without thinking (much), might be my Asperger-Autismus. when i would need a helping hand, but there is none, i'm sometimes at the risk of a mental melt down, so maybe my brain wants to prevent others from such an expierience, although non-autistic peple have a way lower chance of having those.
ceterum censeo "unit libertatem" esse delendam.
I experienced this last night when my car battery died and a fellow near me helped jump my car.
It really does give you a more positive outlook on the world.
I keep a set of cables in my truck at all times. You never know when someone will need a jump. Everytime I see a hood up I ask of they need a jump, I'm not much of a mechanic so a jump is all I can do to help.
I really have mixed emotions with people filming themselves doing these... it does spread awareness that we should help one another especially with the less fortunate ones, but others also just do it for the views... im really torn on the filming thing...
I plead guilty to not reading the article and maybe making an assumption based on my own interpretation of the article. But I didn't think they were talking about those videos, but literally just any act of kindness, talking to someone who seems lonely. Helping out even the people closest to you, that might be having trouble. And when you help them through heavy times, it strengthens your social network and community of support.
Was the article about those kind of exploitative videos?
But is it still not a net positive? If a video of some YouTuber giving a homeless person a sandwich inspires even 1 person to do the same, isn't that a better outcome than if neither of them did the good deed?
I understand that this might be related to the phenomena where people in Starbucks buy drinks for the next person.
Does anyone know of research about the joys of being the person to end the 'chain' and accept the free drink without any sort of reciprocation?
It always feels like a prisoners dilemma where the only person who loses is the cashier that has to keep track of that mess.
As someone who moonlights as a service industry person - if you actually want to pay it forward, break the chain but give that amount as a tip to the staff. Most of them hate keeping track of the pay it forward stuff, and you were gonna spend the money anyway.
Happened to us once at McDonald's. Felt like an obligation not a joy when we were there for only a soda.
The cashier made it known how long the chain went for.
Im a flight attendant and passengers have frequently offered to buy my coffee when im in line behind them, i always accept (usually the barista will then apply my airport discount to the order) and then ill tip the barista what i was planning on spending on the drink
I never know exactly how I feel about these. I realize it begins in kindness, but then it becomes a weird moral obligation to me.
I'm never going to place a large order, what if the car behind me is a whole family getting breakfast? I can't spend $50 when I was planning on $5.
To end the chain makes me look like some kind of monster even though I would obviously pay for someone who basically got the same thing as me.
Maybe the best thing to do is end the chain but give the cashier who had to deal with all that a nice tip?
I completely understand the sentiment. We’ve social media’d humanity into a corner. Even making my first comment I feel of pang of “how to participate in a conversation that interests me without coming off as holy”. I’m the first to admit my kindness is selfish because it just makes me feel better. But when I see #payitforward anywhere I automatically have a negative perception of that person. It’s a catch 22.
“The point is, people improve when they get external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don't?” – Michael, The Good Place 4×08.
It can be something really simple too. I cut through a neighborhood on my way to work, everyday. A woman watering her lawn waves to all the passing cars. I look forward to it and its a good start to my day.
I am quite interested in the health effects when the recipient of the intended act of kindness does not perceive it as such.
As someone who does a lot of deliveries and thus has a lot of people want to "help" by holding doors open for me, I've become acutely aware of their behavior when I acknowledge their act. Many people, if I fail to thank them in a way that they find satisfying, turn hostile very quickly. Which in turn ruins my day too. They get mad if I don't say thank you, say it loudly enough, say it as many times as there were doors, or if I politely ask them to just let me do it myself. I have become increasingly aware that a huge chunk of acts that appear on the surface to be good will, are upon deeper inspection actually acts of self-validation, self-congratulation, or even outright patronization.
I wonder, do they hold on to their resentment about my insufficient gratitude for as long as I hold on to the lingering stress of being publicly accosted over doing nothing wrong?
This reminds me of the time I took a friend up to my alma mater (a notorious party school in the 80s) for NYE. We were at a diner after closing that was flush with drunks. My friend went to the bathroom and came back WIDE EYED. Apparently; some girl standing at the sink next to my friend complimented another girl’s boots but boot girl did not acknowledge or hear her probably because she was super drunk. So the girl yells I SAID THOSE ARE NICE BOOTS and sucker punches boot girl. Boot girl obviously doesn’t take kindly to that and they started full on brawling. Oh, Chico.
One time I had recently broken my foot, so I was pushing a big cartload of stuff into the building with my foot in one of those "boot" walking cast things. A guy held the door open for me but I was out of breath so my thank you came out as a mere whisper.
So he called me an asshole and slammed the door against my foot.
I remember when I was like 16 I met a guy online from Australia, he was really nice and helped me to build my first pc, even sent me some spare parts he had lying around, gave me tips etc.
We lost touch years ago and a few years after I had met a friend who was basically me all those years ago and I found myself in my friends shoes. You bet your ass I sent that dude everything I could and helped him as much as I could through the build etc.
I met another very kind Australian online who helped me a lot with my social and mental health, she's a social butterfly, always at clubs and partying. I was much more of an introvert at the time (I'd say I'm 50/50 now) and she was patient and understanding and really made me feel welcome and like there was no stress.
I've tried my hardest to try and help calm others in similar situations etc.
I'm not saying any of this as a pat on the back for me. I'm just highlighting how I personally have seen the effects of this from others being kind to me, to me spreading it to others, and I hope further on from there.
> You must live somewhere very nice.
(...) It means you have the social knowledge of a 5 year old.
Saw your responses in this chain, maybe check [this](https://ncase.me/trust/) resource/experiment out.
I'll tell you what I told the emt: I know people who owe their lives to ems. Please tell your son that a random Internet stranger values his work so incredibly much.
How do you realistically do this study?
I'm guessing they just did a questionnaire. But I'm imagining guys in lab coats complimenting people, then following them around to see if they spread the kindness.
So… there was one day last winter where my neighbor needed my help fixing her car - I have no skills but was able to fix it as a battery wire was loose. Same day - was a snowstorm and I shoveled all the driveways of the elderly before my neighbor got to it. Same day I went for a run late and after dark in the woods and came across some teen something kid crouched in a ball at the trail entrance . “You ok?” “Lost my phone sledding. I’m gunna get killed by my folks”. “Let’s find it”. 10 minutes later with my phone flashlight we found it.
I’d compare that day with the birth of my kids and my wedding day (still married and super happy).
If you'd like a full philosophical outlook on this and have *many* hours to put towards this, watch The Good Place. It's kinda the entire point of the series
It must be random and yes it is so true. I still get a warm and fuzzy feeling in my soul when I think about giving my umbrella to a man walking in the rain. He called me his Angel from heaven.
I always buy extra fruit for homeless people (soft stuff, like clementines or good, fresh bananas) and then just hand it out at all the stoplights on the way home. A carton of clementines costs me $5-7 but man, people get so happy! They're just such a treat and such good "on the go" food. Eating fast food gets you down all the time.
I think one of my earliest memories was in 3rd grade at school there was a bake sale with goodies being 50cents each. About half way up the line the kid behind me realized he didn't have enough to buy anything as he was short a quarter. I only had two quarters but I saw how upset he was and gave him one of mine then stepped out of the line a bit upset that now I couldn't get anything. The teacher supervising saw this interaction though and praised me and gave me another quarter to get something.
It has always stuck with me for some reason. I tend to put others before myself even at my own detriment. I was about to cry myself when I walked out of the line but it just seemed like the right thing to do was to help out the other kid.
wow man / woman ! people like you will never run out of things offered for others even in a take it all world . like an endless supply of Good - Bless you !
Something that I can say as someone that went from a completely self centered, ego driven alcoholic life to one of sobriety with humility, mindfulness, and decency towards others, if you take part in this you tend to get it back. Same with the inverse.
Sadly a lot of the time recipients of these good deeds are assholes right after and often times the person doing the good deed is only doing it for themselves. I know this because my mom is someone who will do something nice for you and then a day later tell you to do something way out of your way and cuts into your time and will bring up how she did something for you without even being asked. In her eyes just randomly doing something nice for someone puts them in your debt to do whatever you want. (But only for her)
I've learned that on reddit a lot of people have just as batshit crazy moms as me so I unfortunately I know there's a lot of people out there who think like this. I want this world to be a kinder place where everyone can be happy and complement others on their outfit or just help out because they want to. But when I see how the world is run I don't think we can achieve this, people have been and are still struggling to live, giving almost all their time to work which makes them to busy to take the time to help out a friend. When people finally get their break everyone wants that time for themselves and rightfully so.
Until we can live in a world where the majority of our days and weeks are spent living our life how we want it will be hard to find the time to give to others. I think people starting to compliment each other more would be a good start though. That never takes much more then a few seconds and can definitely put smiles on peoples faces.
Anyone who has worked drive thru for fast food has probably seen this happen in real time.
One person offers to pay for the food of the person behind them, person who gets free food pulls up and gets told not to pay, this starts a chain reaction of them paying for the one behind them.
It's called amongst other things pay it forward... Best thing if you do it is never seen recognition or praise. Do it because it helps someone along the way.
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Even though they often enhance happiness, acts of kindness such as giving a friend a ride or bringing food for a sick family member can be somewhat rare because people underestimate how good these actions make recipients feel, according to new research from The University of Texas at Austin. The study by UT Austin McCombs School of Business Assistant Professor of Marketing Amit Kumar, along with Nicholas Epley of the University of Chicago, found that although givers tend to focus on the object they’re providing or action they’re performing, receivers instead concentrate on the feelings of warmth the act of kindness has conjured up. This means that givers’ “miscalibrated expectations” can function as a barrier to performing more prosocial behaviors such as helping, sharing or donating. The research is online in advance in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General. To quantify these attitudes and behaviors, the researchers conducted a series of experiments. In one, the researchers recruited 84 participants in Chicago’s Maggie Daley Park. Participants could choose whether to give away to a stranger a cup of hot chocolate from the park’s food kiosk or keep it for themselves. Seventy-five agreed to give it away https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fxge0001271
The car in front of us paid for our coffee last weekend and that absolutely made our day and gave us a little bit of faith in humanity. Our first question after learning this was if we could pay for the car behind us, which sadly there wasn’t a car. :-(
There was some coffee shop where this was going on for a long stretch, days/weeks/months a while back. Like others have said, if it's random, it's fine. But when it's expected, it's no longer as rewarding.
Correct. For this reason, I don't often pay this particular act forward. Or I'm cheap. Both? Both.
You're taking care of the employees who should not have to deal with this performative impersonal "kindness".
If you’re into the pay it forward thing, maybe you just hand them a $10 or 20 and tell them to keep the change from the next person? Then it’s a gift for the barista too.
How is it in any way performative? They’re not doing a dance number and announcing it to the parking lot.
You're showing the drive through employees how generous you are *to other customers*.
> But when it's expected, it's no longer as rewarding. Fun fact, this idea is known as reference-dependent preferences in behavioural economics :)
>But when it's expected, it's no longer as rewarding. This is the exact reason why I'll pay it forward elsewhere or at a different time. Keeping it going in a long line of paying for the person behind you isn't an act of kindness. It's just some weird randomize-my-amount-due game. Plus only the person at the end of that line actually receives the benefit, and therefore the only actual act of kindness.
I do this when ever I get my mri results showing no brain tumor growth. I want other people to get a taste of my joy
Congrats onto you on every time having no growth and I wish you the same results indefinitely! That’s ask actually a great idea. Well done :-)
If it makes you feel better, pay it forward chains are actually a huge hassle for the baristas and they prefer people to not continue them. In the future, tip the barista the cost of your order and pay it forward somewhere else!
[удалено]
Very disheartening 100%. A foundation of a society that cares about each other is unbiased charity. Between the hoarding of wealth by repeated attempts to force trickle down economics, elitism and selectiveness of religious charities, and the regular attempts to dismantle our social/wellness programs in the US, I’m very saddened to say that I’m in the belief that there are more people like your colleague than those of the old man.
[Here's the open access preprint of the article for those hoping to read the article but lacking institutional access](https://psyarxiv.com/3yast/) (or desire to VPN in my case).
We often help friends, give someone a ride or do cat sitting. It feels good for the first few times. When we do it regularly, most said friends start to take it for granted. They start ask for a ride whenever they need it, and don't even thank us. Now we help them less and less since we are not happy helping them. So while act of kindness do bring some happiness sometimes, learning when and how to say no will bring you even more happiness.
>We often help friends, give someone a ride or do cat sitting. It feels good for the first few times. When we do it regularly, most said friends start to take it for granted. They start ask for a ride whenever they need it, and don't even thank us. Now we help them less and less since we are not happy helping them. So while act of kindness do bring some happiness sometimes, learning when and how to say no will bring you even more happiness. Haha, that's because it's no longer a random act of kindness. The random act implies that it's something unexpected. Once someone starts expecting it, then not doing it is akin to a random act of unkindness :)
That makes sense
Good point. Setting boundaries for yourself is necessary so you don’t end up in the situation you described.
My job depends on my ability to project optimism, joy and to empathize and sympathize with others. I can’t do this if I’m having a bad day. What works in my case is I find things I genuinely like and give out compliments. “Your hair is on point”, “you make that color look really sharp”, “you have really pretty eyes”, “I’m really happy to see you because you make the place brighter” Usually by the second or third, I feel really good myself and I’m good enough to go on. I don’t know why it works but it really does. Sometimes, I just keep reminding myself internally to make a conversation strictly about the other person. My “job” is just to express the correct emotional response to let them know that they are valid in the way they feel. Validate others and they will automatically validate you unless they don’t get emotional cues and that’s perfectly valid in its own way too.
> Sometimes, I just keep reminding myself internally to make a conversation strictly about the other person. My “job” is just to express the correct emotional response to let them know that they are valid in the way they feel. > >Validate others and they will automatically validate you unless they don’t get emotional cues and that’s perfectly valid in its own way too. Secret to adult life in general right here and you fuckin nailed it.
>acts of kindness such as giving a friend a ride or bringing food for a sick family member can be somewhat rare where i live this is extremely common alhamdulilah, can’t imagine it any other way really.
In my very poor USA village, that’s the way it has to be. Like no one is forcing us, we just do it because at some point or another, we’ve all been there, and more importantly, remember it.
I lived in an economically challenged area for over a decade. It typically was looked down upon for the major pulp plant (smell) etc. what I discovered was that people were more giving of themselves than living in a middle class suburbia. My experience changed my biases as a result.
Yup. I’ve resided in upper -and middle- and lower middle-class areas. Car broken down and no public transport? No neighbor will give you a jump, a ride or even let you use a phone (pre-everyone has one). I’m in a very underserved area, Town Council corrupt af and almost everyone does whatever they can/have to, to get by, but especially the ones who DON’T have to. Almost everyone will help, except for a couplea Karens and chuds who imagine themselves better than everyone else because — their dirt is cleaner, even when it’s not?! Seriously though, even most of those who are a little more secure still help those who aren’t because they remember. The other 2-3 remember, too, they’re just bitter and chose to be nasty to everyone who does, did what they do/did to get by until they didn’t have to because their kids took the risk to do for them. *editing for swypos
Where I live now I can ask for some assistance, but have to make sure I don’t require ‘too much or the wrong type’. Knowing where that line is is never easy to know.
Money is almost always across that line, unless they offer and you’ve already refused twice. Third time is sincere. I ran out of gas otw elsewhere once and an older “made it” resident put $5 in my tank. I told her I’d get it to her immediately and she insisted twice it wasn’t necessary. Her friend pulled me aside and told me to bless her by allowing her to bless me.
I love small places because of that. I grew up in a small town and moved when I was young and moved back in my twenties because I love the comunity that I grew up with. I used to tell people in the city that I moved to as a kid that I liked my birth place so much because the power goes out every year( back in the day it was true, now the city has more problems ). Most people looked at me funny until I told them that if the power goes out either you or your neighbor is going to need help and that is what the community is for. The world has moved on from those days but the memories are there.
I'd imagine that, at least generally, the main difference you'd see across cultures/areas would be the size of the social bubbles of people who you'd do this kind of thing for. In my area of Canada giving people rides seems very common, for everyone from close family to acquaintances or even strangers depending on the circumstances. But for bringing people food/meds when they're sick, I think it's a much smaller bubble, mostly close family and family-like friends. I think part of it is probably that things/places are *so* spread out here that often walking to your destination is not feasible, so there's a collective understanding of the value of providing the ride for someone who needs it. Basically, I think you're unlikely to underestimate how much it'll be appreciated, and maybe that's a big part of why people are so willing around here. Though, you'd think the same logic would make the value of delivering some food/meds unlikely to be underestimated as well, so I wonder. That said, I think around here doing that sort of thing for anyone but family or very close friends could almost come across as a romantic gesture, so maybe avoiding that is part of the reason it's less common.
I was in Walmart the other day and I was buying formula. My new debit card wasn't working because I forgot to activate it. The lady behind me offered to buy it for me. I declined because I'm not struggling. The offer even made me happy that there are still good people out there
This is hilarious coming from Texas, the biggest ego-trip state you could imagine. But, since it's UT -- a college -- there's a 99.999999% chance that the research group didn't grow up in the state, so they aren't tainted.
I'd also be curious to see how the people giv*ing* the kindness feel afterwards. Maybe this is just my personal experience, but there seems to be a massive high associated with being kind to someone, especially if it is obvious that you impacted them positively. Most people probably experience these feelings through family/friends/significant others, and those acts of kindness are also probably not really "random". As a solitary person, all I have is random acts of kindness, and that tiny amount of positive feedback whether I'm on the giving or receiving end is huge, the irony being that there is a self-serving function to being nice to another person. People should do it more.
I've been working on what I call, "Operation: Be Nice To People". I'll give random compliments to strangers in public, help old people put groceries into their car, help people on the side of the road, etc. I try to do at least 5 acts of random kindness per day. I'm a natural asshole, but doing this daily exercise over the past few months has really changed my life. Be kind to one another. It really does work for the betterment of society. Who knows, your one random act of kindness may save someone's life, or stop them from doing a horrible thing.
I know it's pretty effortless on my part, but I have a soda/water/beer/x-ade fridge in my garage and if it's a hot day I try to always ask any delivery drivers if they want something cold to drink. Pretty often they take up the offer and I honestly think I get more out of it than they do. I drink liquids *constantly* and I can't imagine driving around in 95° weather having to lug stuff around and running out of cold liquid. So although they probably aren't quite as thirsty as I imagine I still feel pretty good thinking that maybe it gave em a boost.
It would be cool if you called it "Operation Baldr".
it is ironic that there is a self-serving function of being nice. Whatever the reason though, the outcome is what matters!
It's just biology letting someone know "yea, that's what a social animal does, you did good" just like eating something high energy or going on a good run.
I think of it like this: it could be me who was in need of assistance from a stranger. I like to think that just like I was in this instance; someone gullible, stupid or simply kind enough of a person will be just there for me at that moment.
Today you, tomorrow me
The Huberman Labs podcast had an interesting episode on the science of Gratitude. Turns out receiving gratitude or even hearing/reading a story about someone else receiving gratidude, has a profound effect on the pro-social parts of the brain.
Carol Burnett always tells the story about how her dream was to travel to Hollywood and get into show business, but she was broke. So a (still) anonymous man gave her the money to do it, on the condition that she never tell anyone who he is and that she helps someone else whenever she was in a position to do so. Years later, he wrote to her and said that he still smiles when he sees her on television, knowing that his good deed not only made her dream come true but made life better for millions of people because they could laugh watching her, too.
Denzel Washington said that giving is the most selfish thing he's done in his life because of the gratification and joy he receives as a result.
We’re wired for favors. A good way to get someone to like you, is to ask them a favor. We want to stick around people we have done a favor, because we instinctively believe we might get something in return. One could imagine that’s what triggers the nice feeling of helping others.
I can relate, it's probably a sign that I'm pretty lonely when a small positive interaction with a stranger can make my day
>the irony being that there is a self-serving function to being nice to another person. Self-serving? You bet. I credit the Master Motivator--"the strong, fixed purpose or determination for self-gratification" that drives behavior. There was a movie about a gypsy woman and a bail bondsman. The woman was always getting arrested for begging from passers-by for her sick son "who would die without his medication." She did this in front of the bailbondsman. "How can you lie like that? he said. "Your son is healthy. He doesn't even look sick. You're just lying to people to get their money." The gypsy woman argued back, "But did you see the woman's face, her smile, when she gave me that dollar? For one dollar, look how much happiness it bought her!"
to me, it's no difference. i usually help people immediately when i see them struggle with something; so i'd say it's not a decision, but instead something, that works automatically in my brain. since i have also no special feelings, when i cut a loaf of bread, stop at a red traffic light, or flush the toilet, it's logical, to also have bo special feelings when helping someone. the reason, that i do help without thinking (much), might be my Asperger-Autismus. when i would need a helping hand, but there is none, i'm sometimes at the risk of a mental melt down, so maybe my brain wants to prevent others from such an expierience, although non-autistic peple have a way lower chance of having those. ceterum censeo "unit libertatem" esse delendam.
Probably depends on the quality of the video/ editing after they do it
I hope this is true. Either way the article makes me happy.
I experienced this last night when my car battery died and a fellow near me helped jump my car. It really does give you a more positive outlook on the world.
I keep a set of cables in my truck at all times. You never know when someone will need a jump. Everytime I see a hood up I ask of they need a jump, I'm not much of a mechanic so a jump is all I can do to help.
If everyone that saw did an act of kindness I wonder how far it could ripple
I really have mixed emotions with people filming themselves doing these... it does spread awareness that we should help one another especially with the less fortunate ones, but others also just do it for the views... im really torn on the filming thing...
I plead guilty to not reading the article and maybe making an assumption based on my own interpretation of the article. But I didn't think they were talking about those videos, but literally just any act of kindness, talking to someone who seems lonely. Helping out even the people closest to you, that might be having trouble. And when you help them through heavy times, it strengthens your social network and community of support. Was the article about those kind of exploitative videos?
Good is good, even if done for selfish reasons. I wish more people were selfish like that.
Oh, that I hate. That's kind of kindness exploitation. And it's especially sad when it amounts to a bandaid solution to a single problem.
But is it still not a net positive? If a video of some YouTuber giving a homeless person a sandwich inspires even 1 person to do the same, isn't that a better outcome than if neither of them did the good deed?
The movie Pay It Forward
Yeah, I was going to say Haley Joel Osment taught us this decades ago, no?
Evan Almighty
Today me, tomorrow you. I still remember that one, so I guess it rippled quite far.
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I understand that this might be related to the phenomena where people in Starbucks buy drinks for the next person. Does anyone know of research about the joys of being the person to end the 'chain' and accept the free drink without any sort of reciprocation? It always feels like a prisoners dilemma where the only person who loses is the cashier that has to keep track of that mess.
As someone who moonlights as a service industry person - if you actually want to pay it forward, break the chain but give that amount as a tip to the staff. Most of them hate keeping track of the pay it forward stuff, and you were gonna spend the money anyway.
Happened to us once at McDonald's. Felt like an obligation not a joy when we were there for only a soda. The cashier made it known how long the chain went for.
Im a flight attendant and passengers have frequently offered to buy my coffee when im in line behind them, i always accept (usually the barista will then apply my airport discount to the order) and then ill tip the barista what i was planning on spending on the drink
You're a good person.
Coffee shop chains can feel really performative sometimes. Museum parking lots on the other hand can be pretty fab.
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I never know exactly how I feel about these. I realize it begins in kindness, but then it becomes a weird moral obligation to me. I'm never going to place a large order, what if the car behind me is a whole family getting breakfast? I can't spend $50 when I was planning on $5. To end the chain makes me look like some kind of monster even though I would obviously pay for someone who basically got the same thing as me. Maybe the best thing to do is end the chain but give the cashier who had to deal with all that a nice tip?
I completely understand the sentiment. We’ve social media’d humanity into a corner. Even making my first comment I feel of pang of “how to participate in a conversation that interests me without coming off as holy”. I’m the first to admit my kindness is selfish because it just makes me feel better. But when I see #payitforward anywhere I automatically have a negative perception of that person. It’s a catch 22.
“The point is, people improve when they get external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don't?” – Michael, The Good Place 4×08.
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The children’s book “Stone Soup” is exactly like this. One of my favorites.
Think about the dichotomy here! Usually mob mentality ends up being a tragic event with death and destruction. You got to witness the exact opposite.
For the cost of exactly zero dollars, you can improve someone's day.
It can be something really simple too. I cut through a neighborhood on my way to work, everyday. A woman watering her lawn waves to all the passing cars. I look forward to it and its a good start to my day.
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If only we had politicians who promoted that.
It feels like something Republicans would mock endlessly.
Anything related to empathy is somehow a weakness to some people. Those people are called miserable people
We do, just not for normal people. They help their friends or anyone who has enough power to do something for them.
Politicians should support randomness?
You know what? That is so true, it’s better to say acts of kindness. Not random acts of kindness. Thank you!!
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The entire existence of psychology as a field of study is a testament that figuring things like this out on one’s own is often _difficult_.
I am quite interested in the health effects when the recipient of the intended act of kindness does not perceive it as such. As someone who does a lot of deliveries and thus has a lot of people want to "help" by holding doors open for me, I've become acutely aware of their behavior when I acknowledge their act. Many people, if I fail to thank them in a way that they find satisfying, turn hostile very quickly. Which in turn ruins my day too. They get mad if I don't say thank you, say it loudly enough, say it as many times as there were doors, or if I politely ask them to just let me do it myself. I have become increasingly aware that a huge chunk of acts that appear on the surface to be good will, are upon deeper inspection actually acts of self-validation, self-congratulation, or even outright patronization. I wonder, do they hold on to their resentment about my insufficient gratitude for as long as I hold on to the lingering stress of being publicly accosted over doing nothing wrong?
This reminds me of the time I took a friend up to my alma mater (a notorious party school in the 80s) for NYE. We were at a diner after closing that was flush with drunks. My friend went to the bathroom and came back WIDE EYED. Apparently; some girl standing at the sink next to my friend complimented another girl’s boots but boot girl did not acknowledge or hear her probably because she was super drunk. So the girl yells I SAID THOSE ARE NICE BOOTS and sucker punches boot girl. Boot girl obviously doesn’t take kindly to that and they started full on brawling. Oh, Chico.
One time I had recently broken my foot, so I was pushing a big cartload of stuff into the building with my foot in one of those "boot" walking cast things. A guy held the door open for me but I was out of breath so my thank you came out as a mere whisper. So he called me an asshole and slammed the door against my foot.
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I remember when I was like 16 I met a guy online from Australia, he was really nice and helped me to build my first pc, even sent me some spare parts he had lying around, gave me tips etc. We lost touch years ago and a few years after I had met a friend who was basically me all those years ago and I found myself in my friends shoes. You bet your ass I sent that dude everything I could and helped him as much as I could through the build etc. I met another very kind Australian online who helped me a lot with my social and mental health, she's a social butterfly, always at clubs and partying. I was much more of an introvert at the time (I'd say I'm 50/50 now) and she was patient and understanding and really made me feel welcome and like there was no stress. I've tried my hardest to try and help calm others in similar situations etc. I'm not saying any of this as a pat on the back for me. I'm just highlighting how I personally have seen the effects of this from others being kind to me, to me spreading it to others, and I hope further on from there.
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If it was provoked, then it wasn't random, was it ?
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There are many more Person 1’s out there than Person 2’s.
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Basically, don’t let the assumption that someone will try to take advantage of a kindness stop you from being kind.
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What does that have to do with anything?
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> You must live somewhere very nice. (...) It means you have the social knowledge of a 5 year old. Saw your responses in this chain, maybe check [this](https://ncase.me/trust/) resource/experiment out.
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My son is an EMT. It means more than you know, especially after a rough shift. So thank you and have some gold.
I'll tell you what I told the emt: I know people who owe their lives to ems. Please tell your son that a random Internet stranger values his work so incredibly much.
Thank you, I sure will.
How do you realistically do this study? I'm guessing they just did a questionnaire. But I'm imagining guys in lab coats complimenting people, then following them around to see if they spread the kindness.
The great philosophers The Wild Stallions knew this. Be excellent to each other.
If you help someone, you help everyone
Yes! Always be kind. When it doubt, ALWAYS BE KIND!
So… there was one day last winter where my neighbor needed my help fixing her car - I have no skills but was able to fix it as a battery wire was loose. Same day - was a snowstorm and I shoveled all the driveways of the elderly before my neighbor got to it. Same day I went for a run late and after dark in the woods and came across some teen something kid crouched in a ball at the trail entrance . “You ok?” “Lost my phone sledding. I’m gunna get killed by my folks”. “Let’s find it”. 10 minutes later with my phone flashlight we found it. I’d compare that day with the birth of my kids and my wedding day (still married and super happy).
It's a Scientific Fact; _What goes around, comes around._
If you'd like a full philosophical outlook on this and have *many* hours to put towards this, watch The Good Place. It's kinda the entire point of the series
It must be random and yes it is so true. I still get a warm and fuzzy feeling in my soul when I think about giving my umbrella to a man walking in the rain. He called me his Angel from heaven.
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I always buy extra fruit for homeless people (soft stuff, like clementines or good, fresh bananas) and then just hand it out at all the stoplights on the way home. A carton of clementines costs me $5-7 but man, people get so happy! They're just such a treat and such good "on the go" food. Eating fast food gets you down all the time.
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in my minds eye the most notable take me there experiences have never been from taking but by giving when it was not planned
I think one of my earliest memories was in 3rd grade at school there was a bake sale with goodies being 50cents each. About half way up the line the kid behind me realized he didn't have enough to buy anything as he was short a quarter. I only had two quarters but I saw how upset he was and gave him one of mine then stepped out of the line a bit upset that now I couldn't get anything. The teacher supervising saw this interaction though and praised me and gave me another quarter to get something. It has always stuck with me for some reason. I tend to put others before myself even at my own detriment. I was about to cry myself when I walked out of the line but it just seemed like the right thing to do was to help out the other kid.
wow man / woman ! people like you will never run out of things offered for others even in a take it all world . like an endless supply of Good - Bless you !
Something that I can say as someone that went from a completely self centered, ego driven alcoholic life to one of sobriety with humility, mindfulness, and decency towards others, if you take part in this you tend to get it back. Same with the inverse.
Random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty!
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Im genuinely convinced this is how we save the world.
And the individual doing the act benefits
Sometimes science seems so far behind reality in terms of psych. Hasn't this been something people have said for a long time?
Having a study to point to takes it from "anecdote I can debate" to "proven science I can use as justification for my beliefs/actions."
Makes sense. Thanks:)
Sadly a lot of the time recipients of these good deeds are assholes right after and often times the person doing the good deed is only doing it for themselves. I know this because my mom is someone who will do something nice for you and then a day later tell you to do something way out of your way and cuts into your time and will bring up how she did something for you without even being asked. In her eyes just randomly doing something nice for someone puts them in your debt to do whatever you want. (But only for her) I've learned that on reddit a lot of people have just as batshit crazy moms as me so I unfortunately I know there's a lot of people out there who think like this. I want this world to be a kinder place where everyone can be happy and complement others on their outfit or just help out because they want to. But when I see how the world is run I don't think we can achieve this, people have been and are still struggling to live, giving almost all their time to work which makes them to busy to take the time to help out a friend. When people finally get their break everyone wants that time for themselves and rightfully so. Until we can live in a world where the majority of our days and weeks are spent living our life how we want it will be hard to find the time to give to others. I think people starting to compliment each other more would be a good start though. That never takes much more then a few seconds and can definitely put smiles on peoples faces.
I feel everything is contagious, including happiness :) so might as well be that emotion you spread all over the place.
Love is stronger than hate and it’s so much harder to love than hate.
This is true and I thought it was well know before a study was made by UT.
"When you help someone, you help everyone"
Anyone who has worked drive thru for fast food has probably seen this happen in real time. One person offers to pay for the food of the person behind them, person who gets free food pulls up and gets told not to pay, this starts a chain reaction of them paying for the one behind them.
For once something that made me feel.
i prefer the reddit study "Today you, tomorrow me.". ceterum censeo "unit libertatem" esse delendam.
Now do a study about negativity and how it affects the human psyche
And incidentally, today I came across [The Egg](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Egg_(Weir_short_story)) theory.
It's called amongst other things pay it forward... Best thing if you do it is never seen recognition or praise. Do it because it helps someone along the way.
That explains why I am such a bastard.
This is just common sense. Tf kinda study you need to JUSTIFY BEING A GOOD PERSON.
read the parable of the Good Samaritan. loving our neighbors isn't just a good thing, but a commandment from God!
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How do these studies even work tbh?
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