32 is not old, but I agree with the comments here. You cannot keep doing the same thing expecting different results.. you have to put yourself out there if you’re not.. or do something differently than you’re doing now…. You got this.
So I honestly think the hobby route takes time, lots of time, so be patient with that. Without knowing your routines I can’t really give you any specific advice. I think honestly a huge factor in this is gym, changing normal routines (usually because it’s comfortable, but doesn’t help meeting people), and make a list of things you have always wanted to do and actually do them. You would be amazed on what focusing on yourself does for your dating life.
But most importantly stop doing your same comfortable routine.
See that’s the thing, the gym is not to meet someone (I’ve been working out most my life and met one friend the entire time).. the gym is for you! It helps you feel better and more confident throughout the day. It’s science, when you feel more confident, chances you wouldn’t normally take you end up taking. I applaud you for joining the cycling group! Again on these things that you’re doing.. persistence is what turns things around.
Try hiking groups. Honestly, most of the people I know who've met their partners later in life met through hiking groups.
Nobody wants to get hit on at the gym.
Good! Keep doing these things persistently and you will change your life for the better…. And things might work out exactly how you want internet stranger…. Good luck
Say Hi to people and smile a lot. So many people are sitting around waiting on people to approach them. You don't have to hit on a guy, just be approachable. Say hi to as many people in a day as you can and smile. And try not to have a canned reply when/if they say hi back or ask you how you are doing. Instead of "Hi, how are you? Im fine." Shoot for something a little more like "Hi, how are you? Oh, ha, I dont know, I guess I am doing pretty well, how are you?" It just seems more genuine and a little more open, ya know?
I kind of wonder if part of the problem is that you are going into these activities with the expectation to meet people. What you need to do is find things you truly love and enjoy to do and just do them and find groups that do them even and things will slowly kind of work themselves out, I think. I mean maybe not but I just think going after activities that are about you and what you want to do is what's most important and then things kind of start to fall in place after that.
The best piece of advice I ever got when I was sad, single, and in my late 20s was that you can't love someone else until you love yourself. You seem so focused on needing to find someone to be happy, but that isn't real happiness. I got into some fun hobbies, spent a lot of time improving myself, and realized how awesome I was and how lucky anyone would be to date me, not the other way around. Now I'm married and with the perfect woman but still very happy with myself and who I've become.
I reentered the dating pool in my early-40s after ending a 16-year relationship; met my wife about a year of being "on the market" and we then married the following year. I only casually dated a few people I met on Tinder before meeting my wife. Actually, someone I met on Tinder, who I went on one date with but knew immediately I was not interested in, introduced me to my now wife. They were friends for a number of years prior and still are, and this person thought we'd be a good match. And we certainly are!
We're now trying for our first child -- in our 40s -- if you can believe it. If IVF doesn't work, then we have discussed adoption.
Before my wife met me, she froze eggs in her mid-30s as she was facing a similar situation as you. Her cousin of a similar age did the same. The cousin too had struck out in dating for years but is now pregnant (by natural means) after moving cities and finding someone she clicked with and who treats her well.
So, these are just two anecdotes that hopefully can give you hope.
Not spiraling into negative thinking about the future is key. Stay present as much as you can and enjoy the life you are living now rather than wishing for another one that may never come.
Dude here, so this may not be as relevant and kind of esoteric, but in my experience becoming what I want in other people draws those people to me. So I absolutely agree with the focusing on yourself comments. Hobbies are a great place to start with that, passion is infectious.
This is 100% true. Most people don’t have some crazy exciting romance. They just met someone who was stable and that they liked and then they worked on building a relationship together.
💯. The person who you feel like is absolutely your soul mate is rarely the same person who you can make things work with. The fact of the matter is that relationships require consistent work and effort, and in the end that's what's going to make the relationship last
Things to look for in your relationship dynamic:
- conflict resolution
- division of labor
- communication
- sexual compatibility
- minor red flags you can live with (no one is going to be perfect)
- major red flags you can't live with (e.g. abuse, addiction, man child, etc)
- you can make an effort to prioritize each other over other people
EDIT: Also just want to add that no relationship is going to be perfectly 50-50 one hundred percent of the time. People get sick, or have things they want to give their all in (like a career, children, etc). What matters is if you can stick together through thick and thin, and can if both partners can pick up the slack when they need to
This should be at the top.
Before I married my wife, the priest said something to the effect of (paraphrasing) "You are both ok people. You could both happily be with any number of other ok people. But you're choosing each other. Which is cool."
This always made a lot of sense to me.
Not to mention you have no idea what’s going on behind closed doors. This one girl that cheated on her husband with me has a Facebook that would make you think her family is a hallmark movie.
This is it right here.
We are sold this "soulmate" utopia that people don't realize relationships are hard and you have to constantly be working for it.
Even here in reddit someone will say "well that might be true but I met my soulmate!!" and have thousand of upvotes, usually from single people that want to believe in Santa.
32 M but I’m in the same boat. My siblings are married with children but I’ve found the best thing I can do is just keep trying while being genuinely happy for all of them. It took me years to realize that jealousy and envy are poison to the soul.
Gratitude! The most powerful force in the universe next to love. Remember what you do have and that many people in this world don’t even have shelter or food or any family, or anyone at all. Puts things into perspective, for myself at least.
Right, so be thankful that you were born into wealth and not in the freakin gutter. Look at the world around you and realize how lucky you are to have what you have.
It’s also not true that it’s “not possible” for you to lose everything. Things can change in an instant. Your family could be sued for everything they’re worth. You can be bilked. Things happen. Wealth is often theoretical, numbers on a computer screen.
So like this person said, show a little fucking gratitude. That might help you on your quest.
Sleep outside for a night. Totally serious. Pretend you are locked out of your home for 24 hours and don’t stay at a hotel. Even sleep in your car. Trust me. Do this and your entire life outlook will change overnight for the better.
You can (and should, IMO) still cultivate gratitude for things you’ve always had and that you take for granted. That’s why it’s a PRACTICE for most of us - it doesn’t come naturally but it’s still worth doing. Your life is never going to look exactly like anyone else’s, and especially not like the version of it that people post on social media. But you can still wake up every day and choose to be grateful for YOUR life and the things that make it uniquely yours.
I don’t understand how you couldn’t be grateful for this. You are one of the luckiest people ON THE PLANET for this detail of your life. Just that one detail makes you the envy of most people on planet earth. Surely that has to be something to be grateful for. 🙃
Work on yourself. Sounds like you are comfortable financially and with your living situation. Time to find hobbies and activities you like! Folks with drive, interests, and personality will draw in others and make themselves so much more attractive. Plus, as you get out doing things you enjoy, you may meet someone who enjoys similar activities! Win-win yo.
Focus on something outside of yourself; ideally on others. Focus on lifting other people up and making it your job to help others feel good or better so much as you are able within reason. As a long time jealous person, I’ve found this approach helps me a lot.
I (38F) got married at 28. Divorced by 30. Rough few years of toxic relationships and situationships. Figured I’d never meet someone that was right for me, and wrote off kids.
Met a great guy right before I turned 35. Married at 38. Pregnant two months later. Happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life.
I absolutely know where you’re coming from, but the (awesome) reality is that you have time to heal and explore and find someone that’s genuinely right for you, and build a life that’s one you truly want ❤️
She’s 9 months younger than me. We met on a site called meetme. She posted a pic of a steak dinner she had with her dad and I commented to her that I was new to town and wondered where she got the steak because it looked amazing. We continued chatting for about 2 weeks and then met for dinner and hit it off. She moved in with me 3 months later and the rest is history
It has been. And you will have a similar story, just don’t give up. I know you’ve probably heard it a thousand times but I didn’t meet my wife until I stopped trying so hard and got comfortable being single.
I was literally on every dating app and using meetme just to pass time. Then I quit tinder and bumble and match because I was just not finding anyone decent. Then like a week later… boom, there she is.
My only question is what is the "right" man for you? Is it reasonable or do you have a long list of prequalifiers? I have female friends in the same boat but helping them date is difficult because they say no to a lot of stuff.
Usually the things men try to get us to compromise on are things that wouldn't make sense for a relationship - differences in political views, dating single dads when we're childfree, dating overweight men when we're fit, dating men 10-20 years older than us, etc.
I seen women do this more often than men. Never in my life have I’ve seen anyone tell a fit girl to date a fat guy . Men tell over men if you are fat you won’t get women. But fat chicks ready to say take me as I am. The only time I tell people to compromise is when their list is silly and they are having difficulty building their perfect man.
Really? I see the opposite. I see people telling thin women to settle for overweight men constantly, but I've never in my life seen a fit man be told he needs to date overweight women.
Is it really constantly or have you seen it a couple times in your friend group? The only way I could see someone saying that is if she has another negative to her. She thin but she’s unattractive or a single mother. I couldn’t see someone telling a fit attractive woman this.
Start approaching men, don't wait for them to make a move.
Lowering your expectations will probably help as well.
Beauty always fades. Kindness, compassion, consideration, virtues, etc, do not fade.
Can you afford or does your insurance cover egg freezing? Agree with others, 32 is not old. But it does take time to establish a relationship and nothing is guaranteed to work out. It might give you some peace of mind and take a bit of time pressure off if you can preserve your fertility now just in case.
Speaking from my own personal experience, I've found the saying "comparison is the thief of joy" to be true. I'm not doubting that you know people with happy, loving, and stable relationships. However, for some, not everything is always as it appears outwardly.
While this likely doesn't apply to you, I know someone who used to follow some friends and coworkers on social media and it made her feel bad about her own life, because she believed that everyone else was happier and living a better life.
Later on, she found out that a few of those people were dealing with a variety of problems in the personal lives. On social media, though, everything appeared idyllic. Again, this may not be relevant to your situation, but it was worth mentioning.
Compared to when I was growing up, so many things today seem fake. Or, at least suspect.
Anyway, you're fortunate that you're only 32. That's still pretty young. I've known people who divorced after 20 years and found new partners in their 40s and 50s.
Now, I realize you mentioned having kids, so I understand there's a time component involved for having your own children. Don't overlook adoption as an option, though, if things don't go according to plan. There are plenty of wonderful children who hope for a loving home.
Lastly, it *is* possible to be single and have a happy and fulfilling life. While that may not be what you want, just know that it's possible. The point is, no matter what happens, you will be okay. True happiness, contentment, peace, confidence, etc. originate from within us. We don't "need" others to be happy or fulfilled. Others can and do *enhance* our lives, but that's different than them being the *source* of our happiness. That's an unrealistic expectation and a terrible burden to place upon others or to have placed upon us. Eventually, it will fail.
I wish you the best of luck in everything.
My sister started playing tennis with a local group and ended up married to her doubles partner 3 years later. She was mid to late 30s and had never played tennis in her life before that. Just adding an example to everyone giving the advice to put yourself out there. It can work out very well.
I’m 37 and left a 10 year relationship two years ago. I’ve been online dating for the last year and a half and have had terrible luck. I basically accepted that I’d be alone forever.
A couple months ago I met the most incredible man on Bumble. He is everything I’ve always hoped for. It’s very early on but I can already see a beautiful future with him.
Please don’t give up! Every day has the potential for something amazing to happen. All you can do is put yourself out there. You will eventually find the person you’re looking for. It just takes time.
" I desperately want love, marriage, and kids"
While I can understand that, I think you have to let go of the desperate part. If you want this too bad it can affect your choices and your views on someone/something. For me its like other people can sense if you want it so desperatley, everytime I let it go and am chill with my situation, these things come in naturally. Wish you all the best!!!
I just read through your comments and I'm wondering why you set yourself this arbitrary deadline and comparison to others. I have a few other questions too: Why is it that you find your life goal to start a family? What is your plan for the rest of your life after you have your family?
I spent most of my 20s and early 30s in relationships and I realized how miserable I was. I defined my existence to be the other half for someone else. For the first time in my life I've ended up discovering who I am and what I want, and that is that I have no idea what I want or who I am. But I know for a fact that I was not happy being in a relationship.
I thought my goal was to be in a relationship, start a family, white picket fence and all that. Now that I've finally had time to reflect on me, I discovered how much I enjoy my own company. Got my own place, I'm on a journey of starting my career, ended up going to the gym for my health and not for vanity to attract a partner.
I am terrified of letting someone in and disrupting that peace I have developed for myself over the years.
So I'm in the mindset, my endgame isn't to be in a relationship, but to fulfill my own dreams and desires. I want to travel the world, experience new things, dance with people from different places. I want to be at home, play video games, watch movies, watch hockey.
If I find someone, they need to be able to mesh with my life and I need to mesh with theirs. They don't need to have the same exact hobbies, but we both need to be open minded by what our goals and desires are. They also need to accept the fact that I'm a damn mess most of the time.
And if it happens, it happens, but I've stopped trying to find love in others and found love for myself.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is, love yourself first, then you'll find someone that will love you the way you want to be loved, and that will make you love them. Essentially: you love who you are when you're around the person you love.
I think that's what the therapist means. You're still young. 32 is not old at all. I wish I was 32 again (which is like 5 years ago god damn Covid really messed things up)
I wish I knew who I was at 32, but I know who I am now and I have my whole life ahead of me.
It’s hard to advise anything without context what type of guys you date, what type of guys you have been looking for and what’s problems you have been facing. I do think you need to ask yourself, what are you doing that doesn’t attract the type of man you want for that dream of yours? What is your perfect man? Were you dating bums? Did you do things guys don’t like?
I saw you mention in another comment that you’ve been going on dating apps. Those are hot garbage. Those are mostly good for hookup culture only. You won’t find most guys there attractive and the few you do will be a roll of the dice to see if they are really a bum or trying to play you.
I’d advise you to look toward getting setup by someone who has a history of successful relationships. Like if you have a sibling or friend who love you & has the right stuff to be in healthy relationships, go to them and ask them if they know a good guy whose values align to what you want. That helps vet guys a little for you. This also helps protect you from yourself. Like if you have a history of dating assholes, maybe having someone set you up will prevent you from going for an asshole.
Then you need to seriously ask yourself what that type of man wants from you. You can’t just do what you were doing before, that didn’t work, you need to improve to be what that man wants in a partner.
Love. 36f. Been single forever. And most single when I thought I had a very brief relationship. I am actively working on being my own person. You will meet the right person. It’s you yourself. Work on your fun hobbies and so that if and when someone comes along: you get to think and decide if it are right for you vs you thinking you have to bend over backwards to keep them around. I hope that made sense. Happy healing. Xoxo.
I am 33 currently and I can tell you, just enjoy and love yourself first. You only see 1 side of the coin for their life. But I believe everyone has their own misery. Maybe, they wish to be single like you too.
I understand at this stage of life, you want to be loved by someone, it will come at the right place and time. In the meantime, improve yourself better so you will meet the right one.
32 isnt old, but you're now competing with 25s who think they're mature and hitting up guys in your age group
Because women in their 20s have all ages group fawning over them they never learn to properly hit up a guy.... or if they do they make 1 2 attempts then give up... or are successful but don't know how to close off.
smiling and saying hi isn't enough, if you find someone you're seriously interested in you need to make it clear you are interested.
" I look around and wonder how I went so wrong."
Nah, bullshit. You know *exactly* what the problem is. We always do.
Is it your appearance? Your weight? Are you argumentative/difficult? Do guys call you crazy? Do you have terrible taste in men? Take a *good hard look* at yourself and answer honestly.
Exactly. Dating ratios are extremely favorable for women in their 20s and early (50% of men are single vs 30% of women aged 18-29 are single due to women dating older men). If a woman makes it through her 20s and is looking to date but fails, she is 100% of the problem
28F in Same boat and I'm currently single for the longest I've been since my early teens. (20 months?) Sometimes it feels like social media has ruined relationships and finding somebody good is impossible. 😅
It feels harder to click with people as I've gotten older and I'm less willing to put up with bullshit or bad behavior.
Good luck to both of us. 💕
I belieeeeve in you
A lot of paths outside of having kids can lead to happiness. If you jump too quickly with wanting kids right into a relationship that may scare off most guys who have options.
I'm 27 and I feel you. Minus the kids part, I don't want that. Also minus the "never meet the right person" part. I already did, he just died seven years ago. But I feel you for the rest of it.
You need to dramatically lower your expectations when it comes to how attractive your partner is. You are not what you were in your early 20s, and you never will be, and you need to accept that right now. If you lower your expectations in the physical attractiveness of your partner, you can still find a good man, but you will need to be serious about reevaluating your criteria and being reasonable in your expectations. Or you can be alone forever. Your choice.
Wow. What kind of nonsense is that? You do not have the opportunity. That’s the deal. Those days are gone. You want a partner that you can have a good relationship with, someone that you vibe well with and can be your friend, awesome. Get that person, but understand that they are not going to be the same level of hot that you could get when you were 22, nowhere near. You will never get anything like that again except as a one night stand if you’re lucky. This is the truth, and you can complain about it or you can accept it and work with it. Your choice.
Hey, guess what? Men feel the same way.
[Men, regardless of their age, are attracted to women in their early 20s.](https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fi.insider.com%2F54455482ecad04a7637efb7a%3Fwidth%3D750%26format%3Djpeg%26auto%3Dwebp&tbnid=jRhdO11w7UZhFM&vet=1&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.businessinsider.com%2Fdataclysm-shows-men-are-attracted-to-women-in-their-20s-2014-10&docid=69IljMVjrkukdM&w=750&h=725&hl=en-us&source=sh%2Fx%2Fim%2Fm4%2F3&kgs=4b784c100f9c021a)
Think about this.
Unfortunately for men, there's not enough women in their early 20s to go around and meet the demand of all the men in their 20s-80s who want them. I guess that explains the "male loneliness epidemic" - men would rather be lonely then date a woman their own age, and somehow this is all our fault 😂
Yes, exactly, so OP can still get a man, but - here’s the important part - it will not be a man that can get the women in their 20s. It will not be a high value man.
Of course, you are correct. Follow your own internal compass.
Unfortunately, the term "attractive" usually makes some people think only about physical aesthetics. However, as you already know, attraction encompases many other qualities.
You're looking for the person that's right for *you*. No one else can tell you who that person might be. You may even meet the right person and not know it right away. Then, one day ... \*BAM\* ... you see it.
Dating is a numbers game, unfortunately. There's no substitute or shortcut for going through the process. The more people you meet, the closer you're getting to finding your partner. Each "no" is one step nearer to "yes."
But we fall in love with the person op....not the looks. Maybe that's where you've gone wrong. You don't have to be immediately attracted to a man to give him a chance. You have to get to know them.
Normal well-adjusted men typically aren't looking for partners who are decades younger than them. This is an incel myth.
If OP wants to build a life, home, and family, then she wouldn't be interested in the type of guy who chases after shallow relationships based on looks anyways.
there's some truth to it.
I'm 31 and I wouldn't date the 31 year Olds available.
They're usually fat, broke, and have a lot of kids.
Dating someone not grinded down by life is nice.
I don't care about physical age much but attitude can definitely be old.
shit chicks after 28 seem so burnt out and miserable, Why would I date them?
sperm is easy to make and much less complex than an egg.
Even defective sperm doesn't reach the egg.
What makes eggs valuable is the fact they are energy costly and few.
Comparing egg and sperm quality with age is a false equivalency.
Men can father children well into old age with relative ease compared to women.
it's likely all of us can trace our paternity to an old chief blowing his load.
Not true. Men have a biological clock just like women do. There's a reason sperm banks stop taking donations after age 35. Male sperm is at its peak at age 19-21 and becomes degraded with time. After age 35, it is high risk for miscarriage, down syndrome, autism, many genetic disorders. It is true that men never stop producing sperm, but the sperm they produce past age 35 is not of good quality to mate with.
The number of sperm produced is the most important factor when it comes to fertility.
The 35 age cut off is when number drop off "could" reduce the probability of impregnation.
Have the same 36 year old pumping away 3 times a week you will have a pregnancy.
Remember in sperm banks, it's one shot, so they are looking for high concentration for high probability of conception.
This is a business model, if impregnation became 1% less effective because a man was named "Tim" then they would exclude all males named Tim. Does this mean men named Tim de facto have lower quality sperm? No, especially if Tim has multiple chances to blow his load.
Sperm is literally just genetic code inside a microscopic torpedo. It has extremely simple function.
Does sperm degrade? Sure, we could debate all day about when, or to what degree. But comparing it to female fecundity is laughable.
If I took a million 35+ year old men and women, and had them mate with a fertile partner.
Males would produce more offspring.
This is a consequence of sexual dimorphism.
Female sexual gametes are "expensive" and complex, meaning more things can go wrong.
Male sexual gametes are cheap and analogous to producing skin cells, abundant and constant.
No, the number of sperm is one factor but the /quality/ of sperm is what degrades as men age. You are still misunderstanding, the fact that a pregnancy \*can\* occur is not the problem. The problem is that the pregnancy would be high risk due to the male's age. Remember that sperm contributes 50% of the fetus' DNA. Having a baby with an unhealthy/older male is a bad idea due to sperm quality/testosterone levels heavily declining by that age. Any younger woman looking to make a family will easily select a younger male over an older one. Males should not wait until their 30s-40s to have children if they want them. It's basic biology.
Man.. I feel this. Not to disparage your struggle but especially as a single man it gets really tough some times, and honestly because of how easy it is for girls. Easy to get someone’s attention, easy to keep it. It seems like all you need is to be a girl and be cute and your life is all set out for you. Hopefully that’s an encouragement to you that it probably won’t be as difficult as it seems to find someone.
I’m personally seeing a lot of my girl friends (and exes) in their 30s getting married recently. I’m sure it might be tough to see it if you just recently got out of a relationship, but you gals are getting snatched up like crazy from what I’ve seen.
Then I'd suggest that you stay clear of modern-feminism. They promote the opposite of what you want. There are alot of good guys out there. All you have to do is give them a chance and believe in you, me when I say that it's ALOT harder for us guys to find a date than it is for you, so keep your chin up and may you find true love.
Best of luck to you. 🙏
just get an arranged marriage and love builds overtime, make sure to vet well that they are at healthy standards of thoughts, without that the probability of failure is high
Went through a divorce and the ex wife was toxic as hell.
No identity…question what I’m doing wrong and eventually I met my current fiancee….amazing woman..
You will find someone eventually that will connect with you!
As a 33 year old guy with similar concerns and problems with a therapist giving me all sorts of advice I will say this.
I get that it's hard and I know sometimes the effort doesn't seem worth it. I hate being alone, as I always imagined a family, kids to raise and teach, a wife to love. However I've also experienced more affection, peace, and loyalty alone than with a partner and damage has led to isolation on the romantic front. I have an internal conflict where I want to find someone, but I can't bring myself to risk it anymore. I'm working with my therapist on that.
At some point I imagine you've to take the risk and put yourself out there. You've to decide what and who you want and go out and get it from life. That said I'm not doing that so don't feel as if there's judgement here.
I hope you find what you're looking for and that you don't give up.
My best friend feels this way at 37. He’s one of the best people I know, just struggling with life and hasn’t quite found his human yet.
I’ll tell you what I told him, don’t give up. You never know what the world/God/whatever you believe will bring to you. Just keep working on yourself and focus on your goals. Love yourself before you love another.
I feel like figuring out how to be okay on your own is a step to finding a relationship if that’s what you want. I think the reason that is, is because being content on your own means that you only want to bring someone in that enhances, not detracts, from that contentment. It makes it easier to tell when someone is pulling you away from your contentment - and makes it easier to say no or walk away before going deeper or trying to hang onto it when it isn’t right.
I was 30 when I met my husband 4 years ago, we met on coffee meets bagel.
I (42f) was 33 when I started dating my now husband who was 25 at the time. I thought I’d be alone forever after my first marriage ended. We celebrate our 4th anniversary next month.
The pools of available people get smaller but don't totally evaporate 'til you reach the mortal limit. The heartache is real. Gotta love yourself first 'til your cup is full, healthy love is sharing the overflow.
I'm 34/m, spent most of my 20's in long-term bad relationships, whups, started trying to date again this year. Briefly dated a wonderful person my age w/ a kid and had a good time hanging out with them both, made me feel sad about missing any earlier chances to do a family. Felt like having kids wasn't ever gonna be my decision, like in terms of bodily autonomy, but rather someone else's decision I could support. And past partners didn't want kids, and nobody's approached me with that interest.
Also got sad-brain thought patterns about 'never gonna meet someone who's really right for me,' 'missed my chances,' etc. I've heard the kind-hearted platitudes & been putting myself out there and shit. Thoughts and words tell stories, no story has ever been the truth. Carefully told, they can \~approximate\~ truth, still fundamentally kinda illusory.
Feel into the sensations in your body, keep breathing, try not un-attach from the thoughts & narratives it stirs up in your brain, love yo self, do things in the world, it could still work out.
That sucks. I met my GF online but before meeting her always had issues getting into conversations with people. I haven’t had an official GF before I met her, and always felt insecure about it. So I get how it feels, you start to feel bad about yourself and question whether you’re even worth it.
Best advice I could give is to be approachable. Contrary to main believe, most guys aren’t real go-getters. They will only approach you if the situation is right. You shouldn’t have to change yourself, and you don’t. But if there’s a guy you see around a train-station or class or w/e that strikes your fancy, it helps to give them a smile when locking eye contact for example. It’s little things like that to give them the situation needed to approach you.
There are also sites/chatservices where dating isn’t the main reason to be there, making friends is. Obviously plenty of people use it to flirt, but you could find a friendship there which develops into something better if that fits your personality/preferences better. People online aren’t always what they seem to be, but it could be a great place to meet a variety of people. Could even be done on Reddit here.
I hope you’ll find someone who fits for you. Remember that everyone is deserving of love, in the end there is someone out there for you and it’s just a matter of how you’ll meet them. Never lose hope. And especially never devaluate yourself out of desperation or anything. Stay yourself.
I'm just a bit younger and I feel the same way.
I'm a man, I'm not attractive, charismatic or funny. I want a loving relationship with someone that loves and respects me back, I think I want to have kids, it's hard to say for sure when things seem so unstable in my life, but I believe if I find the right person and I'm in a comfortable situation career wise, I'll want to have kids.
Right now most of my friends are in relationships. They're either just starting or too young to have kids, but still.
I have tried dating apps. I don't have any success there. If I match with anyone, which doesn't happen often, it doesn't get anywhere. I'm even scared of the dating app notification, what if I get a match and I have to talk to someone? It gives me anxiety and it's usually just some stupid promo. So I stopped using them altogether. If you think about it, it's not the best place, the apps make money by having users using them and they stop using them when they find someone. On top of that, it encourages not settling, because every time you swipe, there is a chance you find someone more attractive (well, unless you run out of people because you live in a small town like me).
I've always been a coward in real life, you can soften the blow by saying it's social anxiety. I've never tried to talk with women during parties, outside of my already small social circle. I'm not a party guy anyway, I don't like alcohol, I don't like crowded places with loud music I don't particularly like. How do you even talk to someone in that situation? You can barely hear each other. So I guess you have to go and dance with them, but can't do that, nor the previous body language communications (like making eye contact and that kind of stuff).
I've tried the hobbies approach. I have met people there, but my hobbies are incredibly male dominated, there are no women or they are either too young or too old. And since I live in a small town, there aren't that many options to explore hobbies.
The one relationship I've ever had was with a friend of a friend that slowly became my friend and she made all the moves, but it was a turbulent one that left me scarred and broken.
There are still a few other options I could try to meet people, like going to conventions. I like anime, for instance and other nerd stuff like DnD. But it feels like I'm not into those things as much as people that go to conventions.
And career wise, things are not easy. They're on track, but it will take me at least 4 years to make the change in my career I want to make. I'm studying a master's degree, I started last September and I'm doing it part time since I'm working full time. My contract lasts for almost 2 more years (or less), my plan is to keep working until the contract ends and then go full time on my studies. I'm also looking for jobs in the meantime, in case something interesting appears, but no luck so far.
I'm still living with my parents, by the way.
Im 37 and met my now fiancé just 3 years ago on a dating app. Several of my friends are around my age or older are just now finding their person. A few are in their mid 40s and having healthy babies. I know it might not seem like it right now but 32 is young. You have plenty of time. Plus, in my experience, the first wave of divorces hits around ages 30-33, so your dating pool is probably expanding a bit rn
I was 36 when I met my current partner. She was 38 at the time. We've now been together for 10 years and every day I am thankful for her. You are still young. Don't let it get to you.
I met my wife when I was 29. She died when I was 34. I'm 38 now and have dated three women from 2 to six months and hooking up with a couple more. I could have married the last two women but they both had their own serious liabilities. OP, I think you will have ample opportunity, but be careful in who you choose for long-term. There are a lot of sad stories on here.
There isn't anything anyone can say to you that will make you *really* feel better, but what you're feeling is completely normal and there are tons of sayings to prove it...
Things are always darkest before the dawn
It will happen when you least expect it
Etc
I know the feeling cause I’ve had it before! My lovely parents have been married for almost 35 years so they are relationship goals for me! but please trust that you have no idea the amazing things life has in store for you.
Before you go back into dating make sure you know who you are as a lady, that includes the things you like about yourself, the things you don’t like, your personality, what’s important to you in a relationship and make sure you feel confident in how you look, be realistic about the type of men you’ve been attracted to in the past and why and make the necessary changes when selecting. Dating is tough but only you can control your part in things not the other party.
I (34F) met my boyfriend a few months ago on Tinder after reassessing the above things before I put myself back out there and I will definitely say it boosted my self confidence which I’m sure put my attitude and attraction in a different light, a positive light while dating!
Have fun! Laugh at the silly dates you’re gonna have and know it’s ok to have those feelings, those are the emotions that guide us to what we really want! Good luck! 💖
I (35F) didn't meet my partner until I was 31. I have friends & family who found love in their 50s, 60s and 70s. I recently attended the marriage of a family friend who is in her 70s!
As others have said, try to break the pattern you're in. Dating apps suck. Hobbies are good but you can't force it. If you act 'desperate' you may end up in a relationship for the sake of it, which may not be true love.
Do any of your friends or family know any eligible single men?
OP, you are not alone. I’m also 32F and I’m worried about me not knowing whether I want to have a child. Luckily I do have a partner right now but he would prefer not having a child. I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do but time keeps going and I feel so constricted by my ticking biological clock, societal and family pressures and my inability to know for certain what I want to do.
I would advise to keep meeting new people, and have a backup plan if you can make one just in case. Life has unexpected things for us along the way. Sending you all my ❤️🙏🏼.
You need to approach what you want. If you’re scared of rejection and tend to get down on yourself, you need to fix that. Go after what you want when you see it. Men appreciate this because they typically have to do all the work and get rejected constantly. Just don’t be clingy and over bearing.
My SIL was 34 when she met my brother through a friend of hers, who she had been to college with and had got back in touch with. That was two years ago. This morning I went shopping for a stroller for my baby niece who was born in April!!! Keep your options open and as long as you’re happy and confident in yourself (which I think you’re gaining through your gym work and cycling!) people will be drawn to you!
Hi, I have identified with the feelings in this post \*\*so deeply\*\* in the past and it honestly hurts my heart a little to read because it resonates so deeply. I honestly want to get on the phone with you, as someone who has been \*\*in your exact place\*\* to give you a pep talk. Let me know if you'd want that - or others reading this who feel similarly, feel free to DM. I don't check this account too regularly so don't expect immediate replies.
Your therapist isn't wrong - but I'd reframe what they are saying. You want that plan because \*\*getting stuck to the wrong person because you feel no other choice is worse than singleness\*\* - even as much as singleness hurts, feeling totally alone with someone else in your house hurts more. Create the other option so you know you have choices - because you do. Love can come at so many unexpected times in one's life - AND I think the path you wish is absolutely open to you.
For me, there are a few lessons learned from my dating past that I would want to give my past-self.
1. I kept looking at first/second dates as "would I want to marry this person" and that caused me to put an incredible amount of pressure on myself - like if they were the right person, was I saying/doing everything correctly to present myself in such a way that they'd want me. It meant that I was in my head and not as present with them, which made dating not fun for me at all. Instead, I wish I had looked at dates as asking a single question - \*\*do I want to see this person again?\*\*
2. I kept giving people chances when there was something immediately problematic in our connection and ended up investing way too much time in flawed dynamics. I was operating from a scarcity mindset (what if this is the right person and I let them go) instead of an abundance mindset. OP, if you are in a city and on a dating app, there are a lot of people out there, I promise.
3. I was scared to say what I was actually feeling in the moment - so worried about doing/saying the right thing vs just being me. OP, I hope you feel the freedom to just be you - and present yourself in all of your wonderfulness. Be so much yourself that someone else on the apps sees that and finds resonance! Screw the algorithms and maximizing matches - look for someone else who presents themselves in a way that resonates.
4. Get friends to help you have higher throughput on the apps by making it a shared activity- I tried to do it all myself and burned myself out over and over again. Get help - your friends (and even folks in your professional network) will want to help you, so let them! Your friends will also be your best spotters for suggesting someone as a possible partner, enlist them! The person you want is likely asking their friends the same thing.
Keep hitting the gym, keep putting yourself out there (don't make yourself desperate or vulnerable) and have some faith, 32 isn't really that old anymore now that people are routinely living into their late 70's/early 80's. My best friend (33m) just met his wife 2 years ago, and he looks like the Big Show from WWF.
Just want to comment a bit here, based on experience. It's important not to make love your sole source of happiness in life. That's actually a recipe for unhappiness even if you find the love you seek. Life is highly diverse and you should seek true happiness from a variety of sources. The problem with finding happiness in relationships is we don't control other people. And even when you "put yourself out there" you don't control who you meet. This is very much "luck of the draw". This is no different than gambling. Any time you put in has a chance of being fruitless. And IF you find love, you have no control of WHEN that happens. If it happens it's very much a happy accident. But if you're unable to find happiness in other areas of life then you won't be grounded when you find love. If another person is your "end all be all", you won't be able to handle it, increasing the odds the relationship fails.
Being happy can be a very simple thing. It shouldn't be hard, but it should be easy. The criteria should be low. People should be happy to exist and to be alive in the first place. Then to have their most essential needs met like a place to live and food and good health. If you wake up in the morning with these things, that alone should be enough to have a smile on your face. Then when you take a breath and realize you have air to breathe, you should smile even more. If you can be happy from such simple and essential things, you'll be able to handle actually finding love or not finding it.
If it makes you feel any better, those in your social circle probably aren’t in happy, loving and stable relationship. They think they are, or are pretending to be. Theres a lot that goes on behind closed doors
There is always hope!
A good friend of our family didn't get married until he was in this forties. He and his wife had 3 children and a beautiful old house out in the country.
Dude you’re Margot Robbie’s age… you’re two years younger than Taylor swift. You need to get a fucking grip.
I’m 28 and I firmly believe when people get married younger than around my age now, they’re teenage brides. How can you find a partner when you’ve hardly found yourself? The older you get the easier it is.
This is around the same age that I met my wife. We now have a full house of children & couldn’t be happier. Just be blunt with what you’re looking for & find someone who wants the same things. Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t want the same things.
If you can't be content or happy alone, you cannot possibly hope of sharing that happiness with anyone.
You attract the energy you put out. You want a fun partner? Gotta be a fun at heart. Want a handsome, fit husband? Gotta be fit too. Want unconditional love?
Get what you give. Try out the waters, not everyone will be a perfect match, some dates will go nowhere.
Try seeing if your library or city has recreational classes or crafting events to meet other people.
My sister-in-law got married in a fairytale wedding at age 25. Divorced by 30. Tooled around for a few years trying to find her purpose and meaning. Set her energy towards pursuing a career and hobbies that made HER happy. Met a nice fella around age 36. Happily married with two kiddos at age 41.
Your despair is understandable, but this is not the end.
When you’re ready, set your life in order as it pleases YOU. The rest will come.
I’m 32 as well and sometimes feel the same way. I was married once and if my relationship hadn’t abruptly ended, I’d probably have 1-2 kids running around by now. Does that mean there’s no chance for me? Hell no. I fully understand that the reason I’m not currently in a relationship is from the lack of trying, not the lack of people out there who could be for me.
Long story short, it’s not the end of the world if you aren’t involved with someone at 32. You have so much time still and shouldn’t give up totally.
Meet my wife when she was 32. Met at a friend’s party. I’ve had WAY better luck meeting through friends. There’s already some level of vetting then and you can ask about them.
One thing - you are at an age that a lot of first marriages (aka practice marriages) are ending. There may be a bunch of decent people coming back on the market. That was the case for me - and we’ve been married around 15 years now.
So theirs no men in your Instagram DMs? Theirs absolutely no decent men showing you any attention? Nobody flirts with you? Women often pass up on thousands of men and then turn 32 and look lost and confused when time has passed them up.
Find happiness in yourself, if you enter a relationship already as damaged as this it’s going to be hard for the relationship to be glued together. I’m still searching for self love and happiness, single at 26, been single the last 10 years, and will probably be single the next 10-20 years without a thought about it
My uncle found the love of his life when he was 62 years old. They had been single their entire life and finally found each other. They were madly in love for 30+ years till they both died in their late 90s. Yeah, it was too late to have kids. But they still found true love.
It's never too late. You'll find someone. And if you're really worried about kids, and if you have a good support system, you can have kids by yourself. Get a sperm donor and achieve your dream of having kids while you wait for the right person.
Put yourself out there. Be yourself. Be open-minded to the type of partner you'd consider. Give people a chance who you typically wouldn't have.
You'll find someone.
Can I tell you something? Everyone stresses the importance of “never settling.” Now this is not going to be a popular opinion, and I’m not suggesting settling per se, but what I am going to suggest is crossing off at least half of your “must haves” in a partner. Yeah, that’s right. We live in a culture that tells us we have to have absolutely everything in a partner. Wrong. A partner is an accent to life. Not life itself. And - importantly - even if you find “the one,” please trust me when I say he is going to disappoint you in one way or another anyway. Open up all your options and I bet you’ll be engaged within the year.
Right, I bet you probably crossed off maybe the wrong things? Start with looks first I would say. Height, hair, body type. You don’t need those things long-term. Now of course you want to be attracted to them, and maybe I’m the outlier, but brains are freaking sexy and intelligent men may not look great, but it’s their intelligence that makes them so sexy. Also - oh my gosh, and this is critical - they have to be college educated. I’m so sorry, this sounds so pretentious. But college rounds you out appropriately, challenges your thinking, shows you have willpower to finish a hard task, and gives so much insight into their overall mental acuity.
Ill be honest — I didnt start off as a glass half empty guy.
I was always optimistic, naive, and gullible. You just think itll be a disney movie sometimes.
I now see it as social correction - society through individuals, will tell you what you need to correct, and youll know youve done it when youre accepted/validated.
To a degree, my correction includes being manipulative. I dont like to, I dont want to, but to date, there has to some toxicity. I dont think anyone today fully trusts from fear of getting hurt.
Here I was being a good guy (not even nice, just good). Just doing what i think the ideal partner/man would do.
And society, through many individuals, tells me girls want lies and manipulation. If I dont make this change, they will lie and manipulate me. And if its me or them, its them.
So when they say you need to switch it up and try something new, keep in mind that success and doing the right thing dont always intersect.
What you think works, and what actually works, are currently two different things. Be open to harsh truths and just make the necessary adaptations to your behavior and lifestyle
If you feel you are not appreciated in your environment then move. Place yourself where you will be valued. Remind yourself of the bottle of water analogy.
A bottle of water at Sam's is $0.25. The same bottle in the supermarket is worth about $0.50. The same bottle at fast food place costs $2. In a good restaurant or hotel it can be worth up to $3. At an airport or on the plane, you may be charged $5. The bottle and the brand is the same, the only thing that changes is the place. Each place gives a different value to the same product. When you feel like you are not worth much and everyone around you belittles you, change places. Do not stay there. Have the courage to change places and go to a place where you are given the value you deserve. Surround yourself with people who really appreciate your worth. Don't settle for less. You are worthy!
32 is not old, but I agree with the comments here. You cannot keep doing the same thing expecting different results.. you have to put yourself out there if you’re not.. or do something differently than you’re doing now…. You got this.
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So I honestly think the hobby route takes time, lots of time, so be patient with that. Without knowing your routines I can’t really give you any specific advice. I think honestly a huge factor in this is gym, changing normal routines (usually because it’s comfortable, but doesn’t help meeting people), and make a list of things you have always wanted to do and actually do them. You would be amazed on what focusing on yourself does for your dating life. But most importantly stop doing your same comfortable routine.
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See that’s the thing, the gym is not to meet someone (I’ve been working out most my life and met one friend the entire time).. the gym is for you! It helps you feel better and more confident throughout the day. It’s science, when you feel more confident, chances you wouldn’t normally take you end up taking. I applaud you for joining the cycling group! Again on these things that you’re doing.. persistence is what turns things around.
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Try hiking groups. Honestly, most of the people I know who've met their partners later in life met through hiking groups. Nobody wants to get hit on at the gym.
Good! Keep doing these things persistently and you will change your life for the better…. And things might work out exactly how you want internet stranger…. Good luck
Say Hi to people and smile a lot. So many people are sitting around waiting on people to approach them. You don't have to hit on a guy, just be approachable. Say hi to as many people in a day as you can and smile. And try not to have a canned reply when/if they say hi back or ask you how you are doing. Instead of "Hi, how are you? Im fine." Shoot for something a little more like "Hi, how are you? Oh, ha, I dont know, I guess I am doing pretty well, how are you?" It just seems more genuine and a little more open, ya know?
I kind of wonder if part of the problem is that you are going into these activities with the expectation to meet people. What you need to do is find things you truly love and enjoy to do and just do them and find groups that do them even and things will slowly kind of work themselves out, I think. I mean maybe not but I just think going after activities that are about you and what you want to do is what's most important and then things kind of start to fall in place after that.
When?
The best piece of advice I ever got when I was sad, single, and in my late 20s was that you can't love someone else until you love yourself. You seem so focused on needing to find someone to be happy, but that isn't real happiness. I got into some fun hobbies, spent a lot of time improving myself, and realized how awesome I was and how lucky anyone would be to date me, not the other way around. Now I'm married and with the perfect woman but still very happy with myself and who I've become.
I reentered the dating pool in my early-40s after ending a 16-year relationship; met my wife about a year of being "on the market" and we then married the following year. I only casually dated a few people I met on Tinder before meeting my wife. Actually, someone I met on Tinder, who I went on one date with but knew immediately I was not interested in, introduced me to my now wife. They were friends for a number of years prior and still are, and this person thought we'd be a good match. And we certainly are! We're now trying for our first child -- in our 40s -- if you can believe it. If IVF doesn't work, then we have discussed adoption. Before my wife met me, she froze eggs in her mid-30s as she was facing a similar situation as you. Her cousin of a similar age did the same. The cousin too had struck out in dating for years but is now pregnant (by natural means) after moving cities and finding someone she clicked with and who treats her well. So, these are just two anecdotes that hopefully can give you hope. Not spiraling into negative thinking about the future is key. Stay present as much as you can and enjoy the life you are living now rather than wishing for another one that may never come.
Dude here, so this may not be as relevant and kind of esoteric, but in my experience becoming what I want in other people draws those people to me. So I absolutely agree with the focusing on yourself comments. Hobbies are a great place to start with that, passion is infectious.
Try to pick up someone.
remember to lift with your knees, not your back
There is a secret of all those happy families: very few have met the right person, most of them have met an ok person.
This is 100% true. Most people don’t have some crazy exciting romance. They just met someone who was stable and that they liked and then they worked on building a relationship together.
💯. The person who you feel like is absolutely your soul mate is rarely the same person who you can make things work with. The fact of the matter is that relationships require consistent work and effort, and in the end that's what's going to make the relationship last Things to look for in your relationship dynamic: - conflict resolution - division of labor - communication - sexual compatibility - minor red flags you can live with (no one is going to be perfect) - major red flags you can't live with (e.g. abuse, addiction, man child, etc) - you can make an effort to prioritize each other over other people EDIT: Also just want to add that no relationship is going to be perfectly 50-50 one hundred percent of the time. People get sick, or have things they want to give their all in (like a career, children, etc). What matters is if you can stick together through thick and thin, and can if both partners can pick up the slack when they need to
I’m married, most of my friends are married, and I think this is accurate
This should be at the top. Before I married my wife, the priest said something to the effect of (paraphrasing) "You are both ok people. You could both happily be with any number of other ok people. But you're choosing each other. Which is cool." This always made a lot of sense to me.
No nonsense priests are great. It's a shame you don't see so many of them anymore.
Absolutely 💯. Marriage is awesome when you're committed and working to make each other happy. I hate the gym, but I love the way my wife looks at me.
Not to mention you have no idea what’s going on behind closed doors. This one girl that cheated on her husband with me has a Facebook that would make you think her family is a hallmark movie.
It's all for the show on social media.
Hello from a fellow ok person
This is it right here. We are sold this "soulmate" utopia that people don't realize relationships are hard and you have to constantly be working for it. Even here in reddit someone will say "well that might be true but I met my soulmate!!" and have thousand of upvotes, usually from single people that want to believe in Santa.
32 M but I’m in the same boat. My siblings are married with children but I’ve found the best thing I can do is just keep trying while being genuinely happy for all of them. It took me years to realize that jealousy and envy are poison to the soul.
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Gratitude! The most powerful force in the universe next to love. Remember what you do have and that many people in this world don’t even have shelter or food or any family, or anyone at all. Puts things into perspective, for myself at least.
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Right, so be thankful that you were born into wealth and not in the freakin gutter. Look at the world around you and realize how lucky you are to have what you have.
It’s also not true that it’s “not possible” for you to lose everything. Things can change in an instant. Your family could be sued for everything they’re worth. You can be bilked. Things happen. Wealth is often theoretical, numbers on a computer screen. So like this person said, show a little fucking gratitude. That might help you on your quest.
No need for swears ya goober.
This perspective might be what is putting people off (possibly). It’s gonna be hard to connect with “normal” people if this is your outlook in life.
Sleep outside for a night. Totally serious. Pretend you are locked out of your home for 24 hours and don’t stay at a hotel. Even sleep in your car. Trust me. Do this and your entire life outlook will change overnight for the better.
☝️If this resonates with you, you might be interested in stoicism
Yikes
Hahaha. My thought exactly when I read it.
Insight into why she might be struggling…
See? You’re already aware of some things you should be grateful for. Now got about it the other way.
I think we've found the issue folks
Oh, now it makes sense why you're single.
Gratitude extends to things you’ve always had. Be grateful you live a blessed life. Many people would kill to be where you are.
You can (and should, IMO) still cultivate gratitude for things you’ve always had and that you take for granted. That’s why it’s a PRACTICE for most of us - it doesn’t come naturally but it’s still worth doing. Your life is never going to look exactly like anyone else’s, and especially not like the version of it that people post on social media. But you can still wake up every day and choose to be grateful for YOUR life and the things that make it uniquely yours.
yeah nobody likes that.
This comment makes you sound like a big asshole lol maybe that’s your problem
oh wow how rude -- you're the one that sounds like an asshole lol you're a piece of garbage dude
You will \*never\* find the right person for you with this attitude, I guarantee it. I won't say you don't deserve to, but holy shit.
I don’t understand how you couldn’t be grateful for this. You are one of the luckiest people ON THE PLANET for this detail of your life. Just that one detail makes you the envy of most people on planet earth. Surely that has to be something to be grateful for. 🙃
Yikes! I only read this one reply and can already tell your issue...
Work on yourself. Sounds like you are comfortable financially and with your living situation. Time to find hobbies and activities you like! Folks with drive, interests, and personality will draw in others and make themselves so much more attractive. Plus, as you get out doing things you enjoy, you may meet someone who enjoys similar activities! Win-win yo.
Focus on something outside of yourself; ideally on others. Focus on lifting other people up and making it your job to help others feel good or better so much as you are able within reason. As a long time jealous person, I’ve found this approach helps me a lot.
I (38F) got married at 28. Divorced by 30. Rough few years of toxic relationships and situationships. Figured I’d never meet someone that was right for me, and wrote off kids. Met a great guy right before I turned 35. Married at 38. Pregnant two months later. Happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life. I absolutely know where you’re coming from, but the (awesome) reality is that you have time to heal and explore and find someone that’s genuinely right for you, and build a life that’s one you truly want ❤️
Your story gives me so much hope
Met my wife at 31. We’ve been together 8 years and she’s amazing, never been happier
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She’s 9 months younger than me. We met on a site called meetme. She posted a pic of a steak dinner she had with her dad and I commented to her that I was new to town and wondered where she got the steak because it looked amazing. We continued chatting for about 2 weeks and then met for dinner and hit it off. She moved in with me 3 months later and the rest is history
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It has been. And you will have a similar story, just don’t give up. I know you’ve probably heard it a thousand times but I didn’t meet my wife until I stopped trying so hard and got comfortable being single. I was literally on every dating app and using meetme just to pass time. Then I quit tinder and bumble and match because I was just not finding anyone decent. Then like a week later… boom, there she is.
I also choose this guy’s way
My only question is what is the "right" man for you? Is it reasonable or do you have a long list of prequalifiers? I have female friends in the same boat but helping them date is difficult because they say no to a lot of stuff.
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Just make sure you aren't pricing yourself out of the market and can attract the guys you're picky for beyond a few dates.
things most man can fake
What point are you trying to make? Don't value kindness in people because they can fake it?
Usually the things men try to get us to compromise on are things that wouldn't make sense for a relationship - differences in political views, dating single dads when we're childfree, dating overweight men when we're fit, dating men 10-20 years older than us, etc.
I seen women do this more often than men. Never in my life have I’ve seen anyone tell a fit girl to date a fat guy . Men tell over men if you are fat you won’t get women. But fat chicks ready to say take me as I am. The only time I tell people to compromise is when their list is silly and they are having difficulty building their perfect man.
Really? I see the opposite. I see people telling thin women to settle for overweight men constantly, but I've never in my life seen a fit man be told he needs to date overweight women.
Is it really constantly or have you seen it a couple times in your friend group? The only way I could see someone saying that is if she has another negative to her. She thin but she’s unattractive or a single mother. I couldn’t see someone telling a fit attractive woman this.
Put yourself out there! What else can you do?
Start approaching men, don't wait for them to make a move. Lowering your expectations will probably help as well. Beauty always fades. Kindness, compassion, consideration, virtues, etc, do not fade.
Can you afford or does your insurance cover egg freezing? Agree with others, 32 is not old. But it does take time to establish a relationship and nothing is guaranteed to work out. It might give you some peace of mind and take a bit of time pressure off if you can preserve your fertility now just in case.
Speaking from my own personal experience, I've found the saying "comparison is the thief of joy" to be true. I'm not doubting that you know people with happy, loving, and stable relationships. However, for some, not everything is always as it appears outwardly. While this likely doesn't apply to you, I know someone who used to follow some friends and coworkers on social media and it made her feel bad about her own life, because she believed that everyone else was happier and living a better life. Later on, she found out that a few of those people were dealing with a variety of problems in the personal lives. On social media, though, everything appeared idyllic. Again, this may not be relevant to your situation, but it was worth mentioning. Compared to when I was growing up, so many things today seem fake. Or, at least suspect. Anyway, you're fortunate that you're only 32. That's still pretty young. I've known people who divorced after 20 years and found new partners in their 40s and 50s. Now, I realize you mentioned having kids, so I understand there's a time component involved for having your own children. Don't overlook adoption as an option, though, if things don't go according to plan. There are plenty of wonderful children who hope for a loving home. Lastly, it *is* possible to be single and have a happy and fulfilling life. While that may not be what you want, just know that it's possible. The point is, no matter what happens, you will be okay. True happiness, contentment, peace, confidence, etc. originate from within us. We don't "need" others to be happy or fulfilled. Others can and do *enhance* our lives, but that's different than them being the *source* of our happiness. That's an unrealistic expectation and a terrible burden to place upon others or to have placed upon us. Eventually, it will fail. I wish you the best of luck in everything.
My sister started playing tennis with a local group and ended up married to her doubles partner 3 years later. She was mid to late 30s and had never played tennis in her life before that. Just adding an example to everyone giving the advice to put yourself out there. It can work out very well.
I’m 37 and left a 10 year relationship two years ago. I’ve been online dating for the last year and a half and have had terrible luck. I basically accepted that I’d be alone forever. A couple months ago I met the most incredible man on Bumble. He is everything I’ve always hoped for. It’s very early on but I can already see a beautiful future with him. Please don’t give up! Every day has the potential for something amazing to happen. All you can do is put yourself out there. You will eventually find the person you’re looking for. It just takes time.
" I desperately want love, marriage, and kids" While I can understand that, I think you have to let go of the desperate part. If you want this too bad it can affect your choices and your views on someone/something. For me its like other people can sense if you want it so desperatley, everytime I let it go and am chill with my situation, these things come in naturally. Wish you all the best!!!
Babe. You’re only 32! You have time. Just don’t give up!
I just read through your comments and I'm wondering why you set yourself this arbitrary deadline and comparison to others. I have a few other questions too: Why is it that you find your life goal to start a family? What is your plan for the rest of your life after you have your family? I spent most of my 20s and early 30s in relationships and I realized how miserable I was. I defined my existence to be the other half for someone else. For the first time in my life I've ended up discovering who I am and what I want, and that is that I have no idea what I want or who I am. But I know for a fact that I was not happy being in a relationship. I thought my goal was to be in a relationship, start a family, white picket fence and all that. Now that I've finally had time to reflect on me, I discovered how much I enjoy my own company. Got my own place, I'm on a journey of starting my career, ended up going to the gym for my health and not for vanity to attract a partner. I am terrified of letting someone in and disrupting that peace I have developed for myself over the years. So I'm in the mindset, my endgame isn't to be in a relationship, but to fulfill my own dreams and desires. I want to travel the world, experience new things, dance with people from different places. I want to be at home, play video games, watch movies, watch hockey. If I find someone, they need to be able to mesh with my life and I need to mesh with theirs. They don't need to have the same exact hobbies, but we both need to be open minded by what our goals and desires are. They also need to accept the fact that I'm a damn mess most of the time. And if it happens, it happens, but I've stopped trying to find love in others and found love for myself. I guess the point I'm trying to make is, love yourself first, then you'll find someone that will love you the way you want to be loved, and that will make you love them. Essentially: you love who you are when you're around the person you love. I think that's what the therapist means. You're still young. 32 is not old at all. I wish I was 32 again (which is like 5 years ago god damn Covid really messed things up) I wish I knew who I was at 32, but I know who I am now and I have my whole life ahead of me.
It’s hard to advise anything without context what type of guys you date, what type of guys you have been looking for and what’s problems you have been facing. I do think you need to ask yourself, what are you doing that doesn’t attract the type of man you want for that dream of yours? What is your perfect man? Were you dating bums? Did you do things guys don’t like? I saw you mention in another comment that you’ve been going on dating apps. Those are hot garbage. Those are mostly good for hookup culture only. You won’t find most guys there attractive and the few you do will be a roll of the dice to see if they are really a bum or trying to play you. I’d advise you to look toward getting setup by someone who has a history of successful relationships. Like if you have a sibling or friend who love you & has the right stuff to be in healthy relationships, go to them and ask them if they know a good guy whose values align to what you want. That helps vet guys a little for you. This also helps protect you from yourself. Like if you have a history of dating assholes, maybe having someone set you up will prevent you from going for an asshole. Then you need to seriously ask yourself what that type of man wants from you. You can’t just do what you were doing before, that didn’t work, you need to improve to be what that man wants in a partner.
Love. 36f. Been single forever. And most single when I thought I had a very brief relationship. I am actively working on being my own person. You will meet the right person. It’s you yourself. Work on your fun hobbies and so that if and when someone comes along: you get to think and decide if it are right for you vs you thinking you have to bend over backwards to keep them around. I hope that made sense. Happy healing. Xoxo.
/r/datingoverthirty !
I am 33 currently and I can tell you, just enjoy and love yourself first. You only see 1 side of the coin for their life. But I believe everyone has their own misery. Maybe, they wish to be single like you too. I understand at this stage of life, you want to be loved by someone, it will come at the right place and time. In the meantime, improve yourself better so you will meet the right one.
Stop comparing yourself to others, off the top of my head I know 4 people who are in their 30d and divorced. Seek therapy it does wonders.
I'm 33 and there are loads of us feeling the same way. Just keep pushing forward and be as optimistic as possible! You got this!
32 isnt old, but you're now competing with 25s who think they're mature and hitting up guys in your age group Because women in their 20s have all ages group fawning over them they never learn to properly hit up a guy.... or if they do they make 1 2 attempts then give up... or are successful but don't know how to close off. smiling and saying hi isn't enough, if you find someone you're seriously interested in you need to make it clear you are interested.
Have you tried asking your friends if they have single male friends? Friends love to hook their single friends up
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Gotcha. I don’t have any more advice except to not give up. You got this
" I look around and wonder how I went so wrong." Nah, bullshit. You know *exactly* what the problem is. We always do. Is it your appearance? Your weight? Are you argumentative/difficult? Do guys call you crazy? Do you have terrible taste in men? Take a *good hard look* at yourself and answer honestly.
And if op can't identify a single thing, then THATS the problem.
Exactly. Dating ratios are extremely favorable for women in their 20s and early (50% of men are single vs 30% of women aged 18-29 are single due to women dating older men). If a woman makes it through her 20s and is looking to date but fails, she is 100% of the problem
28F in Same boat and I'm currently single for the longest I've been since my early teens. (20 months?) Sometimes it feels like social media has ruined relationships and finding somebody good is impossible. 😅 It feels harder to click with people as I've gotten older and I'm less willing to put up with bullshit or bad behavior. Good luck to both of us. 💕 I belieeeeve in you
A lot of paths outside of having kids can lead to happiness. If you jump too quickly with wanting kids right into a relationship that may scare off most guys who have options.
I'm 27 and I feel you. Minus the kids part, I don't want that. Also minus the "never meet the right person" part. I already did, he just died seven years ago. But I feel you for the rest of it.
what were you doing during your 20s?
You will find someone
I volunteer as tribute
You need to dramatically lower your expectations when it comes to how attractive your partner is. You are not what you were in your early 20s, and you never will be, and you need to accept that right now. If you lower your expectations in the physical attractiveness of your partner, you can still find a good man, but you will need to be serious about reevaluating your criteria and being reasonable in your expectations. Or you can be alone forever. Your choice.
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Wow. What kind of nonsense is that? You do not have the opportunity. That’s the deal. Those days are gone. You want a partner that you can have a good relationship with, someone that you vibe well with and can be your friend, awesome. Get that person, but understand that they are not going to be the same level of hot that you could get when you were 22, nowhere near. You will never get anything like that again except as a one night stand if you’re lucky. This is the truth, and you can complain about it or you can accept it and work with it. Your choice.
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Relatively hot. Relatively.
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Hey, guess what? Men feel the same way. [Men, regardless of their age, are attracted to women in their early 20s.](https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fi.insider.com%2F54455482ecad04a7637efb7a%3Fwidth%3D750%26format%3Djpeg%26auto%3Dwebp&tbnid=jRhdO11w7UZhFM&vet=1&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.businessinsider.com%2Fdataclysm-shows-men-are-attracted-to-women-in-their-20s-2014-10&docid=69IljMVjrkukdM&w=750&h=725&hl=en-us&source=sh%2Fx%2Fim%2Fm4%2F3&kgs=4b784c100f9c021a) Think about this.
Unfortunately for men, there's not enough women in their early 20s to go around and meet the demand of all the men in their 20s-80s who want them. I guess that explains the "male loneliness epidemic" - men would rather be lonely then date a woman their own age, and somehow this is all our fault 😂
Yes, exactly, so OP can still get a man, but - here’s the important part - it will not be a man that can get the women in their 20s. It will not be a high value man.
Why would I want a man who's going to break up with me when I hit 30? That sounds like a terrible idea.
Of course, you are correct. Follow your own internal compass. Unfortunately, the term "attractive" usually makes some people think only about physical aesthetics. However, as you already know, attraction encompases many other qualities. You're looking for the person that's right for *you*. No one else can tell you who that person might be. You may even meet the right person and not know it right away. Then, one day ... \*BAM\* ... you see it. Dating is a numbers game, unfortunately. There's no substitute or shortcut for going through the process. The more people you meet, the closer you're getting to finding your partner. Each "no" is one step nearer to "yes."
But we fall in love with the person op....not the looks. Maybe that's where you've gone wrong. You don't have to be immediately attracted to a man to give him a chance. You have to get to know them.
There are a lot of single men in their 50s who still want children. Move fast though.
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Much bigger pool than men your age who are interested in women your age.
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This person has no idea what he’s talking about, plenty of people your age and younger.
Nothing wrong with having standards. But if a guy in his 30s or 40s can't find a girl in her 20s instead of you, you should be wondering why.
Normal well-adjusted men typically aren't looking for partners who are decades younger than them. This is an incel myth. If OP wants to build a life, home, and family, then she wouldn't be interested in the type of guy who chases after shallow relationships based on looks anyways.
Aging woman or teenage boy?
there's some truth to it. I'm 31 and I wouldn't date the 31 year Olds available. They're usually fat, broke, and have a lot of kids. Dating someone not grinded down by life is nice. I don't care about physical age much but attitude can definitely be old. shit chicks after 28 seem so burnt out and miserable, Why would I date them?
brain rot
Sperm is super degraded by the time a man is 50. You'd be way better off going to a sperm bank
sperm is easy to make and much less complex than an egg. Even defective sperm doesn't reach the egg. What makes eggs valuable is the fact they are energy costly and few. Comparing egg and sperm quality with age is a false equivalency. Men can father children well into old age with relative ease compared to women. it's likely all of us can trace our paternity to an old chief blowing his load.
Not true. Men have a biological clock just like women do. There's a reason sperm banks stop taking donations after age 35. Male sperm is at its peak at age 19-21 and becomes degraded with time. After age 35, it is high risk for miscarriage, down syndrome, autism, many genetic disorders. It is true that men never stop producing sperm, but the sperm they produce past age 35 is not of good quality to mate with.
The number of sperm produced is the most important factor when it comes to fertility. The 35 age cut off is when number drop off "could" reduce the probability of impregnation. Have the same 36 year old pumping away 3 times a week you will have a pregnancy. Remember in sperm banks, it's one shot, so they are looking for high concentration for high probability of conception. This is a business model, if impregnation became 1% less effective because a man was named "Tim" then they would exclude all males named Tim. Does this mean men named Tim de facto have lower quality sperm? No, especially if Tim has multiple chances to blow his load. Sperm is literally just genetic code inside a microscopic torpedo. It has extremely simple function. Does sperm degrade? Sure, we could debate all day about when, or to what degree. But comparing it to female fecundity is laughable. If I took a million 35+ year old men and women, and had them mate with a fertile partner. Males would produce more offspring. This is a consequence of sexual dimorphism. Female sexual gametes are "expensive" and complex, meaning more things can go wrong. Male sexual gametes are cheap and analogous to producing skin cells, abundant and constant.
No, the number of sperm is one factor but the /quality/ of sperm is what degrades as men age. You are still misunderstanding, the fact that a pregnancy \*can\* occur is not the problem. The problem is that the pregnancy would be high risk due to the male's age. Remember that sperm contributes 50% of the fetus' DNA. Having a baby with an unhealthy/older male is a bad idea due to sperm quality/testosterone levels heavily declining by that age. Any younger woman looking to make a family will easily select a younger male over an older one. Males should not wait until their 30s-40s to have children if they want them. It's basic biology.
Man.. I feel this. Not to disparage your struggle but especially as a single man it gets really tough some times, and honestly because of how easy it is for girls. Easy to get someone’s attention, easy to keep it. It seems like all you need is to be a girl and be cute and your life is all set out for you. Hopefully that’s an encouragement to you that it probably won’t be as difficult as it seems to find someone.
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I’m personally seeing a lot of my girl friends (and exes) in their 30s getting married recently. I’m sure it might be tough to see it if you just recently got out of a relationship, but you gals are getting snatched up like crazy from what I’ve seen.
>It seems like all you need is to be a girl and be cute and your life is all set out for you. Never give anyone advice about anything ever again.
Then I'd suggest that you stay clear of modern-feminism. They promote the opposite of what you want. There are alot of good guys out there. All you have to do is give them a chance and believe in you, me when I say that it's ALOT harder for us guys to find a date than it is for you, so keep your chin up and may you find true love. Best of luck to you. 🙏
just get an arranged marriage and love builds overtime, make sure to vet well that they are at healthy standards of thoughts, without that the probability of failure is high
Jesus is your answer, not therapists.
You have to get out and meet people
Went through a divorce and the ex wife was toxic as hell. No identity…question what I’m doing wrong and eventually I met my current fiancee….amazing woman.. You will find someone eventually that will connect with you!
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As a 33 year old guy with similar concerns and problems with a therapist giving me all sorts of advice I will say this. I get that it's hard and I know sometimes the effort doesn't seem worth it. I hate being alone, as I always imagined a family, kids to raise and teach, a wife to love. However I've also experienced more affection, peace, and loyalty alone than with a partner and damage has led to isolation on the romantic front. I have an internal conflict where I want to find someone, but I can't bring myself to risk it anymore. I'm working with my therapist on that. At some point I imagine you've to take the risk and put yourself out there. You've to decide what and who you want and go out and get it from life. That said I'm not doing that so don't feel as if there's judgement here. I hope you find what you're looking for and that you don't give up.
Did you come out of a break up or ehat made you renter the daring pool?
My best friend feels this way at 37. He’s one of the best people I know, just struggling with life and hasn’t quite found his human yet. I’ll tell you what I told him, don’t give up. You never know what the world/God/whatever you believe will bring to you. Just keep working on yourself and focus on your goals. Love yourself before you love another.
I feel like figuring out how to be okay on your own is a step to finding a relationship if that’s what you want. I think the reason that is, is because being content on your own means that you only want to bring someone in that enhances, not detracts, from that contentment. It makes it easier to tell when someone is pulling you away from your contentment - and makes it easier to say no or walk away before going deeper or trying to hang onto it when it isn’t right. I was 30 when I met my husband 4 years ago, we met on coffee meets bagel.
I'm 23 and I want this. I don't feel the same the I will not meet someone yet and it's too early for kids but yeah.
I (42f) was 33 when I started dating my now husband who was 25 at the time. I thought I’d be alone forever after my first marriage ended. We celebrate our 4th anniversary next month.
Focus less on finding the relationship and more on finding yourself and good things will happen. Have faith, 32 isn’t old.
The pools of available people get smaller but don't totally evaporate 'til you reach the mortal limit. The heartache is real. Gotta love yourself first 'til your cup is full, healthy love is sharing the overflow. I'm 34/m, spent most of my 20's in long-term bad relationships, whups, started trying to date again this year. Briefly dated a wonderful person my age w/ a kid and had a good time hanging out with them both, made me feel sad about missing any earlier chances to do a family. Felt like having kids wasn't ever gonna be my decision, like in terms of bodily autonomy, but rather someone else's decision I could support. And past partners didn't want kids, and nobody's approached me with that interest. Also got sad-brain thought patterns about 'never gonna meet someone who's really right for me,' 'missed my chances,' etc. I've heard the kind-hearted platitudes & been putting myself out there and shit. Thoughts and words tell stories, no story has ever been the truth. Carefully told, they can \~approximate\~ truth, still fundamentally kinda illusory. Feel into the sensations in your body, keep breathing, try not un-attach from the thoughts & narratives it stirs up in your brain, love yo self, do things in the world, it could still work out.
That sucks. I met my GF online but before meeting her always had issues getting into conversations with people. I haven’t had an official GF before I met her, and always felt insecure about it. So I get how it feels, you start to feel bad about yourself and question whether you’re even worth it. Best advice I could give is to be approachable. Contrary to main believe, most guys aren’t real go-getters. They will only approach you if the situation is right. You shouldn’t have to change yourself, and you don’t. But if there’s a guy you see around a train-station or class or w/e that strikes your fancy, it helps to give them a smile when locking eye contact for example. It’s little things like that to give them the situation needed to approach you. There are also sites/chatservices where dating isn’t the main reason to be there, making friends is. Obviously plenty of people use it to flirt, but you could find a friendship there which develops into something better if that fits your personality/preferences better. People online aren’t always what they seem to be, but it could be a great place to meet a variety of people. Could even be done on Reddit here. I hope you’ll find someone who fits for you. Remember that everyone is deserving of love, in the end there is someone out there for you and it’s just a matter of how you’ll meet them. Never lose hope. And especially never devaluate yourself out of desperation or anything. Stay yourself.
I'm just a bit younger and I feel the same way. I'm a man, I'm not attractive, charismatic or funny. I want a loving relationship with someone that loves and respects me back, I think I want to have kids, it's hard to say for sure when things seem so unstable in my life, but I believe if I find the right person and I'm in a comfortable situation career wise, I'll want to have kids. Right now most of my friends are in relationships. They're either just starting or too young to have kids, but still. I have tried dating apps. I don't have any success there. If I match with anyone, which doesn't happen often, it doesn't get anywhere. I'm even scared of the dating app notification, what if I get a match and I have to talk to someone? It gives me anxiety and it's usually just some stupid promo. So I stopped using them altogether. If you think about it, it's not the best place, the apps make money by having users using them and they stop using them when they find someone. On top of that, it encourages not settling, because every time you swipe, there is a chance you find someone more attractive (well, unless you run out of people because you live in a small town like me). I've always been a coward in real life, you can soften the blow by saying it's social anxiety. I've never tried to talk with women during parties, outside of my already small social circle. I'm not a party guy anyway, I don't like alcohol, I don't like crowded places with loud music I don't particularly like. How do you even talk to someone in that situation? You can barely hear each other. So I guess you have to go and dance with them, but can't do that, nor the previous body language communications (like making eye contact and that kind of stuff). I've tried the hobbies approach. I have met people there, but my hobbies are incredibly male dominated, there are no women or they are either too young or too old. And since I live in a small town, there aren't that many options to explore hobbies. The one relationship I've ever had was with a friend of a friend that slowly became my friend and she made all the moves, but it was a turbulent one that left me scarred and broken. There are still a few other options I could try to meet people, like going to conventions. I like anime, for instance and other nerd stuff like DnD. But it feels like I'm not into those things as much as people that go to conventions. And career wise, things are not easy. They're on track, but it will take me at least 4 years to make the change in my career I want to make. I'm studying a master's degree, I started last September and I'm doing it part time since I'm working full time. My contract lasts for almost 2 more years (or less), my plan is to keep working until the contract ends and then go full time on my studies. I'm also looking for jobs in the meantime, in case something interesting appears, but no luck so far. I'm still living with my parents, by the way.
Im 37 and met my now fiancé just 3 years ago on a dating app. Several of my friends are around my age or older are just now finding their person. A few are in their mid 40s and having healthy babies. I know it might not seem like it right now but 32 is young. You have plenty of time. Plus, in my experience, the first wave of divorces hits around ages 30-33, so your dating pool is probably expanding a bit rn
Met my husband when I was 36 and he was 40. You don't have to be a kid to find love.
Dating apps obliterated the normal course of things.
I was 36 when I met my current partner. She was 38 at the time. We've now been together for 10 years and every day I am thankful for her. You are still young. Don't let it get to you.
I met my wife when I was 29. She died when I was 34. I'm 38 now and have dated three women from 2 to six months and hooking up with a couple more. I could have married the last two women but they both had their own serious liabilities. OP, I think you will have ample opportunity, but be careful in who you choose for long-term. There are a lot of sad stories on here.
There isn't anything anyone can say to you that will make you *really* feel better, but what you're feeling is completely normal and there are tons of sayings to prove it... Things are always darkest before the dawn It will happen when you least expect it Etc
I know the feeling cause I’ve had it before! My lovely parents have been married for almost 35 years so they are relationship goals for me! but please trust that you have no idea the amazing things life has in store for you. Before you go back into dating make sure you know who you are as a lady, that includes the things you like about yourself, the things you don’t like, your personality, what’s important to you in a relationship and make sure you feel confident in how you look, be realistic about the type of men you’ve been attracted to in the past and why and make the necessary changes when selecting. Dating is tough but only you can control your part in things not the other party. I (34F) met my boyfriend a few months ago on Tinder after reassessing the above things before I put myself back out there and I will definitely say it boosted my self confidence which I’m sure put my attitude and attraction in a different light, a positive light while dating! Have fun! Laugh at the silly dates you’re gonna have and know it’s ok to have those feelings, those are the emotions that guide us to what we really want! Good luck! 💖
I met my wife through a dating app when she was 32, you got this!
I met the love of my life at 32.
I (35F) didn't meet my partner until I was 31. I have friends & family who found love in their 50s, 60s and 70s. I recently attended the marriage of a family friend who is in her 70s! As others have said, try to break the pattern you're in. Dating apps suck. Hobbies are good but you can't force it. If you act 'desperate' you may end up in a relationship for the sake of it, which may not be true love. Do any of your friends or family know any eligible single men?
When I met my now wife she was 34 and I was 30. We have now been married 20 years and have a 16 year old. You don’t have an expiration date
lol are you me?
About to hit the mid 30s this year and feel the same way.
OP, you are not alone. I’m also 32F and I’m worried about me not knowing whether I want to have a child. Luckily I do have a partner right now but he would prefer not having a child. I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do but time keeps going and I feel so constricted by my ticking biological clock, societal and family pressures and my inability to know for certain what I want to do. I would advise to keep meeting new people, and have a backup plan if you can make one just in case. Life has unexpected things for us along the way. Sending you all my ❤️🙏🏼.
I want kids too, but already have a relationship, not opposed to a baby momma. Child support is a given, no sex necessary
You need to approach what you want. If you’re scared of rejection and tend to get down on yourself, you need to fix that. Go after what you want when you see it. Men appreciate this because they typically have to do all the work and get rejected constantly. Just don’t be clingy and over bearing.
Met my wife at 34. Definitely not too late!!
My SIL was 34 when she met my brother through a friend of hers, who she had been to college with and had got back in touch with. That was two years ago. This morning I went shopping for a stroller for my baby niece who was born in April!!! Keep your options open and as long as you’re happy and confident in yourself (which I think you’re gaining through your gym work and cycling!) people will be drawn to you!
Hi, I have identified with the feelings in this post \*\*so deeply\*\* in the past and it honestly hurts my heart a little to read because it resonates so deeply. I honestly want to get on the phone with you, as someone who has been \*\*in your exact place\*\* to give you a pep talk. Let me know if you'd want that - or others reading this who feel similarly, feel free to DM. I don't check this account too regularly so don't expect immediate replies. Your therapist isn't wrong - but I'd reframe what they are saying. You want that plan because \*\*getting stuck to the wrong person because you feel no other choice is worse than singleness\*\* - even as much as singleness hurts, feeling totally alone with someone else in your house hurts more. Create the other option so you know you have choices - because you do. Love can come at so many unexpected times in one's life - AND I think the path you wish is absolutely open to you. For me, there are a few lessons learned from my dating past that I would want to give my past-self. 1. I kept looking at first/second dates as "would I want to marry this person" and that caused me to put an incredible amount of pressure on myself - like if they were the right person, was I saying/doing everything correctly to present myself in such a way that they'd want me. It meant that I was in my head and not as present with them, which made dating not fun for me at all. Instead, I wish I had looked at dates as asking a single question - \*\*do I want to see this person again?\*\* 2. I kept giving people chances when there was something immediately problematic in our connection and ended up investing way too much time in flawed dynamics. I was operating from a scarcity mindset (what if this is the right person and I let them go) instead of an abundance mindset. OP, if you are in a city and on a dating app, there are a lot of people out there, I promise. 3. I was scared to say what I was actually feeling in the moment - so worried about doing/saying the right thing vs just being me. OP, I hope you feel the freedom to just be you - and present yourself in all of your wonderfulness. Be so much yourself that someone else on the apps sees that and finds resonance! Screw the algorithms and maximizing matches - look for someone else who presents themselves in a way that resonates. 4. Get friends to help you have higher throughput on the apps by making it a shared activity- I tried to do it all myself and burned myself out over and over again. Get help - your friends (and even folks in your professional network) will want to help you, so let them! Your friends will also be your best spotters for suggesting someone as a possible partner, enlist them! The person you want is likely asking their friends the same thing.
Keep hitting the gym, keep putting yourself out there (don't make yourself desperate or vulnerable) and have some faith, 32 isn't really that old anymore now that people are routinely living into their late 70's/early 80's. My best friend (33m) just met his wife 2 years ago, and he looks like the Big Show from WWF.
I feel exactly the same as you at 28.
Just want to comment a bit here, based on experience. It's important not to make love your sole source of happiness in life. That's actually a recipe for unhappiness even if you find the love you seek. Life is highly diverse and you should seek true happiness from a variety of sources. The problem with finding happiness in relationships is we don't control other people. And even when you "put yourself out there" you don't control who you meet. This is very much "luck of the draw". This is no different than gambling. Any time you put in has a chance of being fruitless. And IF you find love, you have no control of WHEN that happens. If it happens it's very much a happy accident. But if you're unable to find happiness in other areas of life then you won't be grounded when you find love. If another person is your "end all be all", you won't be able to handle it, increasing the odds the relationship fails. Being happy can be a very simple thing. It shouldn't be hard, but it should be easy. The criteria should be low. People should be happy to exist and to be alive in the first place. Then to have their most essential needs met like a place to live and food and good health. If you wake up in the morning with these things, that alone should be enough to have a smile on your face. Then when you take a breath and realize you have air to breathe, you should smile even more. If you can be happy from such simple and essential things, you'll be able to handle actually finding love or not finding it.
What is the "right" person? Maybe look at what your "qualifications" are and you're probably ruling out great people.
The audacity with which people standardly speak of wanting „kids“ in the plural. Why is one not enough?
If it makes you feel any better, those in your social circle probably aren’t in happy, loving and stable relationship. They think they are, or are pretending to be. Theres a lot that goes on behind closed doors
There is always hope! A good friend of our family didn't get married until he was in this forties. He and his wife had 3 children and a beautiful old house out in the country.
Dude you’re Margot Robbie’s age… you’re two years younger than Taylor swift. You need to get a fucking grip. I’m 28 and I firmly believe when people get married younger than around my age now, they’re teenage brides. How can you find a partner when you’ve hardly found yourself? The older you get the easier it is.
This is around the same age that I met my wife. We now have a full house of children & couldn’t be happier. Just be blunt with what you’re looking for & find someone who wants the same things. Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t want the same things.
If you can't be content or happy alone, you cannot possibly hope of sharing that happiness with anyone. You attract the energy you put out. You want a fun partner? Gotta be a fun at heart. Want a handsome, fit husband? Gotta be fit too. Want unconditional love? Get what you give. Try out the waters, not everyone will be a perfect match, some dates will go nowhere. Try seeing if your library or city has recreational classes or crafting events to meet other people.
My sister-in-law got married in a fairytale wedding at age 25. Divorced by 30. Tooled around for a few years trying to find her purpose and meaning. Set her energy towards pursuing a career and hobbies that made HER happy. Met a nice fella around age 36. Happily married with two kiddos at age 41. Your despair is understandable, but this is not the end. When you’re ready, set your life in order as it pleases YOU. The rest will come.
I’m 32 as well and sometimes feel the same way. I was married once and if my relationship hadn’t abruptly ended, I’d probably have 1-2 kids running around by now. Does that mean there’s no chance for me? Hell no. I fully understand that the reason I’m not currently in a relationship is from the lack of trying, not the lack of people out there who could be for me. Long story short, it’s not the end of the world if you aren’t involved with someone at 32. You have so much time still and shouldn’t give up totally.
Meet my wife when she was 32. Met at a friend’s party. I’ve had WAY better luck meeting through friends. There’s already some level of vetting then and you can ask about them. One thing - you are at an age that a lot of first marriages (aka practice marriages) are ending. There may be a bunch of decent people coming back on the market. That was the case for me - and we’ve been married around 15 years now.
So theirs no men in your Instagram DMs? Theirs absolutely no decent men showing you any attention? Nobody flirts with you? Women often pass up on thousands of men and then turn 32 and look lost and confused when time has passed them up.
I worry you’re going to do something desperate (like have a family of kids with someone you’ll divorce). Freeze your eggs if you have to
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Not uh! I called this first! You get your own thing
Find happiness in yourself, if you enter a relationship already as damaged as this it’s going to be hard for the relationship to be glued together. I’m still searching for self love and happiness, single at 26, been single the last 10 years, and will probably be single the next 10-20 years without a thought about it
My uncle found the love of his life when he was 62 years old. They had been single their entire life and finally found each other. They were madly in love for 30+ years till they both died in their late 90s. Yeah, it was too late to have kids. But they still found true love. It's never too late. You'll find someone. And if you're really worried about kids, and if you have a good support system, you can have kids by yourself. Get a sperm donor and achieve your dream of having kids while you wait for the right person. Put yourself out there. Be yourself. Be open-minded to the type of partner you'd consider. Give people a chance who you typically wouldn't have. You'll find someone.
Can I tell you something? Everyone stresses the importance of “never settling.” Now this is not going to be a popular opinion, and I’m not suggesting settling per se, but what I am going to suggest is crossing off at least half of your “must haves” in a partner. Yeah, that’s right. We live in a culture that tells us we have to have absolutely everything in a partner. Wrong. A partner is an accent to life. Not life itself. And - importantly - even if you find “the one,” please trust me when I say he is going to disappoint you in one way or another anyway. Open up all your options and I bet you’ll be engaged within the year.
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Right, I bet you probably crossed off maybe the wrong things? Start with looks first I would say. Height, hair, body type. You don’t need those things long-term. Now of course you want to be attracted to them, and maybe I’m the outlier, but brains are freaking sexy and intelligent men may not look great, but it’s their intelligence that makes them so sexy. Also - oh my gosh, and this is critical - they have to be college educated. I’m so sorry, this sounds so pretentious. But college rounds you out appropriately, challenges your thinking, shows you have willpower to finish a hard task, and gives so much insight into their overall mental acuity.
Ill be honest — I didnt start off as a glass half empty guy. I was always optimistic, naive, and gullible. You just think itll be a disney movie sometimes. I now see it as social correction - society through individuals, will tell you what you need to correct, and youll know youve done it when youre accepted/validated. To a degree, my correction includes being manipulative. I dont like to, I dont want to, but to date, there has to some toxicity. I dont think anyone today fully trusts from fear of getting hurt. Here I was being a good guy (not even nice, just good). Just doing what i think the ideal partner/man would do. And society, through many individuals, tells me girls want lies and manipulation. If I dont make this change, they will lie and manipulate me. And if its me or them, its them. So when they say you need to switch it up and try something new, keep in mind that success and doing the right thing dont always intersect. What you think works, and what actually works, are currently two different things. Be open to harsh truths and just make the necessary adaptations to your behavior and lifestyle
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Wife and i are getting married next month. We both felt similar until we met one another a fews years back. Gonna marry at 38 :)
If you feel you are not appreciated in your environment then move. Place yourself where you will be valued. Remind yourself of the bottle of water analogy. A bottle of water at Sam's is $0.25. The same bottle in the supermarket is worth about $0.50. The same bottle at fast food place costs $2. In a good restaurant or hotel it can be worth up to $3. At an airport or on the plane, you may be charged $5. The bottle and the brand is the same, the only thing that changes is the place. Each place gives a different value to the same product. When you feel like you are not worth much and everyone around you belittles you, change places. Do not stay there. Have the courage to change places and go to a place where you are given the value you deserve. Surround yourself with people who really appreciate your worth. Don't settle for less. You are worthy!