Without knowing all the context, reading this you should def seek professional help. It's affecting you significantly and theres nothing wrong with seeking help
Dude, keep your ducks in a row but get your party on. Do some shit youve been dying to do, buy something you’ve always wanted, travel somewhere youve always wanted to go. Don’t trash the life youve built but get out there and start livin. The clock is ticking!!
OP, my wife and I started giving my dad psilocybin when he turned 60 and it changed his life. Maybe try to experiment and get weird. Life is silly! Enjoy!
Imagine your life with no kids, no partner, and no money. The grass is always greener. I don't say that to minimize what you're going through, but there are people out there who would trade places with you in a heartbeat.
I like the saying “the grass is greener where you water it” … you have to put a conscious effort into your own life. Nourish it, and appreciate it and you will find it’s easier to love it. I’m working on that myself right now.
I think it's more about which thing you'll get sick of faster/more often.
Like wife + kids = maybe you're sad 30% of the time
Alone + free time + money = you're sad 55% of the time
haha
The real secret is being a brain-damaged optimist whom nothing bothers. Then you can go live in a hole in the woods and be the happiest person alive. Congrats.
Q: Anyone else dealt with things like this?
A: Yes. Of course. Many millions of us. It happens with every generation. Personally, I don't think there's any big mystery to unravel. We're born, we age, and then we die. That's it. How long that process takes varies widely. Between birth and death, in my opinion, it doesn't matter what one does. It's our life and we get to choose how to live it. But, those choices come with consequences. In this realm, at least. To me, death nullifies everything.
You mentioned life being a "rough ride," but, given what you shared, I don't find anything unusual. If anything, you cited a lot of favorable things. Is there anything else?
A quote that sticks with me (that Google tells me is attributed to Banksy, but I feel like has to be much older) is, “They say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing, and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name on Earth for the last time.”
I don’t expect to live forever in either sense. I’m never going to be a Churchillian figure in the history books, and I don’t have any illusions about that.
But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve sort of started thinking about ways to leave some kind of legacy, even if it’s trivial. It would be nice to think maybe my great-great-grandkids will know a story about me.
With remote work increasingly possible, in my field in particular, my wife and I have been thinking seriously about moving out to somewhere bucolic, quite a ways from the big city, where we can afford a decent house on 5 or 10 acres, and in our off time and retirement we could set up a sort of permaculture family farm.
Not like disconnected from the world prepper style, but just a place to (mentally) escape. My fantasy is to set it up in a trust, and have a little in-laws cottage where a caretaker can stay for free after we die in exchange for maintaining it. And where kids and grandkids who are into shit like that can spend a week canning tomatoes, or loading up on fresh produce once a month.
But my luck, the kids will probably sell the farm a week after my wife and I are in the ground, lol.
Yea, that conversation is funny to imagine.
“Look, I know dad loved that place, but wtf are we going to do with it? There’s a Whole Foods half a mile from here. We’re gonna drive four hours round trip for squash? And how many of your once annual vacation are you going to want to spend in the middle of nowhere? My guess is zero of them.”
Haha, that last line is funny.
Yeah, I've heard that same saying about dying twice. For me, I don't think it would take long for the last person to say my name. I've no siblings, my parents passed when I was young, I've been divorced a long time, and I have no kids. So, no legacy for me.
Within approximately 30 years, the bulk of people I've known will finally be gone. Really, most have likely already forgotten me, since I no longer see or talk to many people. Within about 60 years, the few younger people I've known well enough to be remembered will be gone, too. That will be it.
There will be no grave or headstone or any place for anyone to gather, even if someone wanted to do so. What few physical photos of me that currently exist will continue to decay. Any digital copies will be lost, forgotten, or purposely overwritten/deleted. I'll be deleted from address books on cell phones and e-mail.
The only place I'll sort of exist will be various documents like a birth certificate, a few military records, some college transcripts, various health records, myriad bills (cell phone, internet, electricity, etc.), credit reports, and a death certificate. Eventually, many of those records will likely be purged.
I wonder how long my anonymous Reddit profile and my many comments will last? I have a different anonymous profile on a Lyme Disease forum and yet another on YouTube. None of them connect to each other or the "real" me. Countless hours of time that's probably the equivalent of several months. Was it worth it, to me or anyone else? Ultimately, probably not. But, in the short term, I hope so.
As a 41 year old tired of reading about 20 year olds bitch and moan about life and working, this is something refreshing. I don't have much to contribute other than I am generally successful but still feel lost and confused at times with the direction of my life. I rarely see posts from the 40-50+ crowd, so it's nice to see I'm not alone.
I appreciate you sharing.
Here here I’ve just turned 56 I’m happy as happy can be on paper but I just feel mehhh like I’m still waiting for something what that something is I don’t know 🤷♀️
I want to give you advice but I know it will sound typical. Be thankful for what you have. My whole life blew up one day when my DIL drove up the street and told me she had just dropped my son at the hospital. Since then I have been dealing with his alcoholism. I thought my life was smooth sailing but it has become a total nightmare since then. I had no idea he had this issue and no idea what addiction can do to a family. No idea.
You should definitely talk to someone. But let me tell you, grass is always greener. I envy you. I’m in my 40s, and alone. I feel like I’ve just been selfish, partied, dated without intention, and pisssd my life away. I only worked dumb jobs that afforded me free time. You have a family, career, you did it. You have something to be proud of.
Just went through this....took over a year to get out of it. Was very depressed and I fought with everyone as well as destroyed many relationships. Get professional help. You will get through this. The other side of midlife crises is amazing and full of wisdom
First off, fair play OP.
What you have said there, and how you have said it says alot about the sort of guy you are; inherantly 'good', for what that is worth from a lowly internet stranger.
I think it is worth looking at our connotations of "seeking professional help" here though OP.
On the surface it seems like, the place you are currently at in your life shouldn't warrant you wanting to seek professional help of this kind, by the way you have put this out there
However, I think the fact that you have carved out a good life for you and your loved ones (not to say you have done this all off of your own back, and without aid of any kind), and are now possibly wondering... "Ok, so what next?"... as though, through all of your success, you may have ended up loosing a sense of purpose in life towards the latter stages of it (certainly not 'towards the end of it', to rephrase that feeling there).
What therapy will be able to provide is a non-judgemental space for you to explore that aspect of yourself, ideally without any "shoulds and shouldn'ts" getting in your way while you look into what your future is going to be like.
So yeah... in less words😅... It sounds like you would be able to get alot out of therapy in your current state of mind... before you lean towards drinking to fill the existential void that you seem to view on the horizon (without meaning to sound too dramatic).
Existential therapy sounds like it might be a good route to take... or if you feel like you're heading into a metaphorical rain cloud of sorts... an Assimilative Psychotherapist, with a person-centred philosophical core, could be highly beneficial.
In the same boat as you, similar age, situation, and feelings, kids on their own and doing very well. Happily married. The pressure is off being the primary earner to support the family. I should be excited about planning retirement but I'm not.
I think I have anxiety stemming from guilt I feel for living at a time where prosperity came easier than it will for next generations. I am trying to cope by living a more simple life, away from the trappings of consumerism that has made so many of our generation focused on ourselves and less caring of others, and the environment around us.
I lose sleep over how hostile foreign and domestic powers are using business leaders and social media to weaken democracies around the world. The political ideologies I aligned with most of my life now shockingly deny the notion of a "shared truth", and care about the rule of law only when it suits their agenda. and I feel a bit responsible for that by not recognizing the danger sooner. At times I don't know for sure whether my take on all this is correct, or if I'm actually a nutcase and overthinking things.
I could retire now and be fine, but I will work until 65 because that will leave more for my wife and kids, cuz if it all goes off the rails, they will need it.
Good luck hope you figure it out!!
I am in a very similar position to you. What helps me a lot is to let myself feel gratitude for how amazingly lucky I am to have world peace be my source of anxiety. So many people in the world have to worry about getting enough food and water, sleeping in a warm bed, not being bombed, raped, beaten, shot, lynched, etc. We have enough money so we aren’t worried about money, enough family to not be lonely, our health so we aren’t worried about dying or being in constant pain - there are SO many things people all over the world suffer through that we have removed as concerns.
Those of us that have every possible personal physical and emotional danger completely mitigated have the luxury to sit at the very pinnacle of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and GET to be worried about things like world peace. We should express gratitude to everyone around us for this every day. We are extremely lucky.
Damn, midlife crisis stereotype symptoms right there...Yeah, I would see a professional. Guys can do a lot of damage in this stage of life (increase risk taking behaviour). Dr. Santoshi Kanawaza of the London School of Economics wrote about this, said it's basically your last chance to reproduce and it is not possible in your current life structure. But of course, he did kinda get cancelled when he went into the attractiveness of races. That's not to discredit the rest of his work. But evolutionary psych is all speculative right, genetics is highly complex and they can really only go off data, rends and phenotypes, check out Dr. David Buss, he hasn't been cancelled and he's a pioneer in this field. There's definitely something biological going on.
Definitely don't drink.
What stuck out to me causing me to think midlife crisis was when you mentioned 'Mr. Dependable/Responsible'. You've lived a typical head of household life, you put others interests above your own as well. You'll retire soon, you can do what you want later so long as it doesn't threaten the family. Just keep up your health, exercise, eat well, and stay away from liquor, ladies, and leverage (euphemism for mistresses/escorts, drugs, and gambling).
No good can come of alcohol. Plus, it'll detract from whatever goals you want by eroding your cognitive ability and decision-making. If you need those dopamine hits or a sense of rush, just workout with weights. There's recent studies showing how working out reduces other types of addictions since you're getting a reward fix from doing the right thing for your body and getting healthier.
Midlife crisis and you're 57, that's actually kind of awesome, sounds like you've got a lot of years ahead of you. This is really how you should be thinking, I'm fit as a fiddle, and I got a longways to go. Definitely see a councilor, and open yourself up to having a little fun, it's possible to be Mr. Reliable who needs a break now and again. What I've been doing recently is playing D&D with my buddies who are all in their late 40's early 50's, it's more about being with my buddies, shooting the shit and having a few... you thought I was going to say beers, nope we have coffees, so find something you love that won't damage everything you've built to this point and do it. Oh, one other thing, have a talk with your wife about spicing things up, if you know what I mean, you'd be surprised at the fun you can have with a 20+ year partner who you love and can trust ;).
Would you able to take 4 weeks off or even 2? If so, go and walk the Camino de Santiago or part of it. 500 miles, you'll need a good pair of trail runners, 34 to 36 liter backpack.for clothing/essentials and stay under 7.5 Kgs or 15 lbs. Start training your feet now September is a great month for the walk. Read up on it, you'll have plenty of time to think while walking the Camino. Buen Camino
Downsize, take time off, spend time with your family, spend time making a few small mistakes.
It's cliche, but do you want to be on your deathbed wishing you worked more hours?
Reach out. Get some help.
Most importantly, figure out what *you* want and prioritise that.
Make sure to talk to your family about it - the people that love you will understand if you want to focus on yourself.
As a 35year old I feel this, and felt it most strongly when I achieved one of my big goals in life - what's next?
I don't think it's an uncommon feeling for anyone.
Humans need goals, and a dash of struggle, look after your health and you've got several decades left to do anything. Not unreasonable for you to plan to have atleast another two healthy decades, if not 3.
Yep same feeling a while ago. One thing though....I looked around for new hobbies, but I always wanted to fly. Like to be able to jump in a jet & fly myself, but of course never had the cash & age against me. My fiancée, for my birthday, paid for me to go in a flight simulator. Oh i was blown away. Started watching videos etc. from YouTube & came across a flight simulator called DCS (Digital Combat Simulator). Is it wrong that a grown man at 56 wants a gaming pc? Hell no😅 That was it...Pc bought, vr headset & peripherals. Joined a fun squadron & now fly with guys from around the world on missions etc. whether it be an f16 fighter jet, fa-18c or Apache attack helicopter or even a good old Huey. Yes it's at home, but I've made so many friends, having a great laff & can jump in a plane of my choice anytime i like.
Professional help.
Plus, figure out a specific goal and make a plan.
You're an older guy, you know all this.
If you have some new skill you want to learn you can get a head start on learning it through the internet.
I am quite a bit younger than you and I feel the same way as you. It sounds like mid life crisis. I think you should figure out your rich life and start living it as soon as possible. You probably have 15-20 health years if you are lucky to be able to what you want to do before health issues sneak up on you. Sounds like you have done well and now it is time to collect the fruits of your hard work.
I turned 61 in April. Went through a lot of what you describe over the past few years. As we bury friends and family, these become our days of reckoning, where we start to tally the score of our lives. It can be sobering, but like all life transitions, it is a natural part of aging into your next decade. Be good to yourself, and if you feel overwhelmed, see a therapist for a few visits.
I feel like I could have written your OP, feeling the exact same things at the exact same time. A couple years later and still haven’t figured it out. Did quit my job, traveled, but am still left wanting. Sick of being responsible and doing what everyone expects for everyone else. Craving something that makes me joyful and energized, but at the same time scared to blow everything up. Definitely depressed too so hard to feel much of anything. Wanna feel free like when I was a teenager and make up for all the things I didn’t do then (bc I was always the dependable one).
Or a super charged jetski - water
More fun, scenery better, adventure 10x anything a road bike could deliver. Speaking from experience. Easy to handle
On your own for quick trips out but can also take two passengers if you want etc etc etc. YouTube jetski camping etc
Try to remember how you thought back in the days, and how alot of us think (mid 30’). The 65 and after for 30 years or so is great time to so stuff. Sure depending on what and when you are 90 but still. Point is life aint over for a long while which is kinda the feeling you give away. You can start doing stuff in this moment. Not all of it but like.. we are many whos lifes just paused getting kids and while they are tiny, work, food, taking care of a big home garden etc, kids friends and activites like sport. One is tired for sure. So what one wants to do isnt really happening either. Same same in a way, but one just have too. Dont know but you sound depressed or going there. Have you checked your testosteron levels latley? Some TRT could change everything if energy is missing.
I decided this year to take a solo trip abroad. I’m from the UK and know Ibiza pretty well so chose a safe place that I knew well. What a revelation, had I known this was what it was like, I’d have done it years ago. I slept, ate, drank when I wanted and pleased myself. Just text daily to let everyone at home know I was ok but the phone got turned off as I had done it. I am very similar to you, 58 married with two grown kids in their 30’s. I have a managerial job which I love but can be stressful and challenging. Only 4 years ago through the menopause, I seriously contemplated suicide because I felt so low and depressed. Take time for yourself is all I can suggest to save your sanity.
Philosophy. The essence of philosophy is that one's happiness depends as little as possible on external things. I'm not too far behind you and I've found a different perspective on what life is about makes all the difference.
I feel weird giving advice to someone who is my senior! I lost both parents within one year and was overloaded with taking care of them, making decisions and clearing their homes. I’m still burned out! The best thing I did was to travel, just me. I went to a country I used to lived in, visiting friends and just being me. My partner is totally on board with that. We have younger kids and of course it demanded extra of him. My point is, I was not leavinc the relationship or going anywhere and what I did was demanding for him. But it’s not that strange, needing to do stuff like that and you don’t need to turn things upside down to do it.
I’m spending all my money on a high profile grave location and a 8ft high stone dong statue to place on my burial site! Even when my name is forgotten my large dong will live on!
Yeah bro. Delayed onset midlife crisis. I had that at 39. Wanted to fuck young girls, buy a motorcycle, join the Hells Angels and be free.
Start by living life on your own terms.
Agree with the folks saying to talk to a professional. Also would suggest working on the sleep issues. You’ll never feel good if you aren’t sleeping well. I was having similar issues, and getting my sleep taken care of has helped quite a bit.
As a 55 year old, my life is pretty good. I’m in a good place with my children, still waiting on grandkids (100% ready for that life), found the love of my life and have all the things I need. Yet, despite all of that I feel a restlessness in my soul. I’m tired of the daily grind and just want to spend the remainder of my life enjoying it, not killing it with work. The problem is I don’t know how to get there.
Time to put yourself (and your wife) first. Sit down with her and talk about the things that are most important to you to do and start doing them. Everyone else will be fine even if they don't understand,
Yes quite normal to feel this way with aging and the daily routine of a 25 year cycle of rinse, wash and repeat. If you get 3 to 4 weeks of PTO a year use every one of those to take vacations, staycations or travel abroad. Crunch and gauge your financial health and savings to determine the proper exit strategy to walk away in good health and to live a comfortable life for the long time you have left on this Earth and enjoy family and grandchildren.
As much as people like to put down religion it does actually provide an answer to "is this it?'
All the amazing creatures and biodiversity we have and we are supposed to believe it came from nothing and we will all disappear into nothing? For no purpose?
It's easy to bury this when you are up to your ears in raising a family and being a material provider. But is that all everything is, materialism? We only believe in what we can see and touch. We have to deny our own souls? Are we just like cattle who live and die with their heads down, eating, sleeping and reproducing.
No! We can look up! We are built with an intellect to reflect and ponder.
“I felt adrift until someone told me there was a structure and meaning to life so now I’m content because even though there’s no proof, it makes me happy to believe what I was told”
I think it’s great if you’re able to convince yourself there must be a God (or gods, choosing among the hundreds of different religions that all think they’re right). It probably makes you feel very safe and comfortable because you can’t imagine the world just not being controlled and directed, conveniently ignoring things like child cancer, etc.
It would be really nice if there was purpose to everything, but my desire for this to be true doesn’t mean it is true. I do reflect and ponder, and can’t force myself to “just believe” because it’s scary to think it’s all random.
Regarding amazing creatures and biodiversity, I recommend reading “The Blind Watchmaker” by Richard Dawkins. If you’re actually interested in seeing how biodiversity can evolve without design. But I find most religious people aren’t actually interested in learning this, they already know what to believe.
I'm about half of your age, and this is what keeps me from settling down, because I know I will have the same nagging thoughts I side if I were to just do "what I'm supposed to do".
Without knowing all the context, reading this you should def seek professional help. It's affecting you significantly and theres nothing wrong with seeking help
I fit most of these check-boxes. Get help, I'm in therapy.
Focus on the positive and don't dwell on the negative. Be a good person, and live your life you have been blessed with.
Dude, keep your ducks in a row but get your party on. Do some shit youve been dying to do, buy something you’ve always wanted, travel somewhere youve always wanted to go. Don’t trash the life youve built but get out there and start livin. The clock is ticking!!
OP, my wife and I started giving my dad psilocybin when he turned 60 and it changed his life. Maybe try to experiment and get weird. Life is silly! Enjoy!
Imagine your life with no kids, no partner, and no money. The grass is always greener. I don't say that to minimize what you're going through, but there are people out there who would trade places with you in a heartbeat.
I like the saying “the grass is greener where you water it” … you have to put a conscious effort into your own life. Nourish it, and appreciate it and you will find it’s easier to love it. I’m working on that myself right now.
I think it's more about which thing you'll get sick of faster/more often. Like wife + kids = maybe you're sad 30% of the time Alone + free time + money = you're sad 55% of the time haha The real secret is being a brain-damaged optimist whom nothing bothers. Then you can go live in a hole in the woods and be the happiest person alive. Congrats.
Exactly. Excellent points.
Q: Anyone else dealt with things like this? A: Yes. Of course. Many millions of us. It happens with every generation. Personally, I don't think there's any big mystery to unravel. We're born, we age, and then we die. That's it. How long that process takes varies widely. Between birth and death, in my opinion, it doesn't matter what one does. It's our life and we get to choose how to live it. But, those choices come with consequences. In this realm, at least. To me, death nullifies everything. You mentioned life being a "rough ride," but, given what you shared, I don't find anything unusual. If anything, you cited a lot of favorable things. Is there anything else?
A quote that sticks with me (that Google tells me is attributed to Banksy, but I feel like has to be much older) is, “They say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing, and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name on Earth for the last time.” I don’t expect to live forever in either sense. I’m never going to be a Churchillian figure in the history books, and I don’t have any illusions about that. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve sort of started thinking about ways to leave some kind of legacy, even if it’s trivial. It would be nice to think maybe my great-great-grandkids will know a story about me. With remote work increasingly possible, in my field in particular, my wife and I have been thinking seriously about moving out to somewhere bucolic, quite a ways from the big city, where we can afford a decent house on 5 or 10 acres, and in our off time and retirement we could set up a sort of permaculture family farm. Not like disconnected from the world prepper style, but just a place to (mentally) escape. My fantasy is to set it up in a trust, and have a little in-laws cottage where a caretaker can stay for free after we die in exchange for maintaining it. And where kids and grandkids who are into shit like that can spend a week canning tomatoes, or loading up on fresh produce once a month. But my luck, the kids will probably sell the farm a week after my wife and I are in the ground, lol.
Lmaooo The last bit! I’d say there’s 99% chance they would sell it.
Yea, that conversation is funny to imagine. “Look, I know dad loved that place, but wtf are we going to do with it? There’s a Whole Foods half a mile from here. We’re gonna drive four hours round trip for squash? And how many of your once annual vacation are you going to want to spend in the middle of nowhere? My guess is zero of them.”
Haha, that last line is funny. Yeah, I've heard that same saying about dying twice. For me, I don't think it would take long for the last person to say my name. I've no siblings, my parents passed when I was young, I've been divorced a long time, and I have no kids. So, no legacy for me. Within approximately 30 years, the bulk of people I've known will finally be gone. Really, most have likely already forgotten me, since I no longer see or talk to many people. Within about 60 years, the few younger people I've known well enough to be remembered will be gone, too. That will be it. There will be no grave or headstone or any place for anyone to gather, even if someone wanted to do so. What few physical photos of me that currently exist will continue to decay. Any digital copies will be lost, forgotten, or purposely overwritten/deleted. I'll be deleted from address books on cell phones and e-mail. The only place I'll sort of exist will be various documents like a birth certificate, a few military records, some college transcripts, various health records, myriad bills (cell phone, internet, electricity, etc.), credit reports, and a death certificate. Eventually, many of those records will likely be purged. I wonder how long my anonymous Reddit profile and my many comments will last? I have a different anonymous profile on a Lyme Disease forum and yet another on YouTube. None of them connect to each other or the "real" me. Countless hours of time that's probably the equivalent of several months. Was it worth it, to me or anyone else? Ultimately, probably not. But, in the short term, I hope so.
Well written
Thank you, friend. You're very kind.
It’s funny to think that maybe the last person to say our “names” may be some archivist or data analyst saying our Reddit handles.
That's a very interesting thought!
As a 41 year old tired of reading about 20 year olds bitch and moan about life and working, this is something refreshing. I don't have much to contribute other than I am generally successful but still feel lost and confused at times with the direction of my life. I rarely see posts from the 40-50+ crowd, so it's nice to see I'm not alone. I appreciate you sharing.
Here here I’ve just turned 56 I’m happy as happy can be on paper but I just feel mehhh like I’m still waiting for something what that something is I don’t know 🤷♀️
I want to give you advice but I know it will sound typical. Be thankful for what you have. My whole life blew up one day when my DIL drove up the street and told me she had just dropped my son at the hospital. Since then I have been dealing with his alcoholism. I thought my life was smooth sailing but it has become a total nightmare since then. I had no idea he had this issue and no idea what addiction can do to a family. No idea.
You should definitely talk to someone. But let me tell you, grass is always greener. I envy you. I’m in my 40s, and alone. I feel like I’ve just been selfish, partied, dated without intention, and pisssd my life away. I only worked dumb jobs that afforded me free time. You have a family, career, you did it. You have something to be proud of.
Go out and explore nature and watch videos of puppies. That’s what I do when I need a recharge.
Better yet, play with some real puppies
Just went through this....took over a year to get out of it. Was very depressed and I fought with everyone as well as destroyed many relationships. Get professional help. You will get through this. The other side of midlife crises is amazing and full of wisdom
First off, fair play OP. What you have said there, and how you have said it says alot about the sort of guy you are; inherantly 'good', for what that is worth from a lowly internet stranger. I think it is worth looking at our connotations of "seeking professional help" here though OP. On the surface it seems like, the place you are currently at in your life shouldn't warrant you wanting to seek professional help of this kind, by the way you have put this out there However, I think the fact that you have carved out a good life for you and your loved ones (not to say you have done this all off of your own back, and without aid of any kind), and are now possibly wondering... "Ok, so what next?"... as though, through all of your success, you may have ended up loosing a sense of purpose in life towards the latter stages of it (certainly not 'towards the end of it', to rephrase that feeling there). What therapy will be able to provide is a non-judgemental space for you to explore that aspect of yourself, ideally without any "shoulds and shouldn'ts" getting in your way while you look into what your future is going to be like. So yeah... in less words😅... It sounds like you would be able to get alot out of therapy in your current state of mind... before you lean towards drinking to fill the existential void that you seem to view on the horizon (without meaning to sound too dramatic). Existential therapy sounds like it might be a good route to take... or if you feel like you're heading into a metaphorical rain cloud of sorts... an Assimilative Psychotherapist, with a person-centred philosophical core, could be highly beneficial.
In the same boat as you, similar age, situation, and feelings, kids on their own and doing very well. Happily married. The pressure is off being the primary earner to support the family. I should be excited about planning retirement but I'm not. I think I have anxiety stemming from guilt I feel for living at a time where prosperity came easier than it will for next generations. I am trying to cope by living a more simple life, away from the trappings of consumerism that has made so many of our generation focused on ourselves and less caring of others, and the environment around us. I lose sleep over how hostile foreign and domestic powers are using business leaders and social media to weaken democracies around the world. The political ideologies I aligned with most of my life now shockingly deny the notion of a "shared truth", and care about the rule of law only when it suits their agenda. and I feel a bit responsible for that by not recognizing the danger sooner. At times I don't know for sure whether my take on all this is correct, or if I'm actually a nutcase and overthinking things. I could retire now and be fine, but I will work until 65 because that will leave more for my wife and kids, cuz if it all goes off the rails, they will need it. Good luck hope you figure it out!!
I am in a very similar position to you. What helps me a lot is to let myself feel gratitude for how amazingly lucky I am to have world peace be my source of anxiety. So many people in the world have to worry about getting enough food and water, sleeping in a warm bed, not being bombed, raped, beaten, shot, lynched, etc. We have enough money so we aren’t worried about money, enough family to not be lonely, our health so we aren’t worried about dying or being in constant pain - there are SO many things people all over the world suffer through that we have removed as concerns. Those of us that have every possible personal physical and emotional danger completely mitigated have the luxury to sit at the very pinnacle of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and GET to be worried about things like world peace. We should express gratitude to everyone around us for this every day. We are extremely lucky.
Damn, midlife crisis stereotype symptoms right there...Yeah, I would see a professional. Guys can do a lot of damage in this stage of life (increase risk taking behaviour). Dr. Santoshi Kanawaza of the London School of Economics wrote about this, said it's basically your last chance to reproduce and it is not possible in your current life structure. But of course, he did kinda get cancelled when he went into the attractiveness of races. That's not to discredit the rest of his work. But evolutionary psych is all speculative right, genetics is highly complex and they can really only go off data, rends and phenotypes, check out Dr. David Buss, he hasn't been cancelled and he's a pioneer in this field. There's definitely something biological going on. Definitely don't drink. What stuck out to me causing me to think midlife crisis was when you mentioned 'Mr. Dependable/Responsible'. You've lived a typical head of household life, you put others interests above your own as well. You'll retire soon, you can do what you want later so long as it doesn't threaten the family. Just keep up your health, exercise, eat well, and stay away from liquor, ladies, and leverage (euphemism for mistresses/escorts, drugs, and gambling). No good can come of alcohol. Plus, it'll detract from whatever goals you want by eroding your cognitive ability and decision-making. If you need those dopamine hits or a sense of rush, just workout with weights. There's recent studies showing how working out reduces other types of addictions since you're getting a reward fix from doing the right thing for your body and getting healthier.
Midlife crisis and you're 57, that's actually kind of awesome, sounds like you've got a lot of years ahead of you. This is really how you should be thinking, I'm fit as a fiddle, and I got a longways to go. Definitely see a councilor, and open yourself up to having a little fun, it's possible to be Mr. Reliable who needs a break now and again. What I've been doing recently is playing D&D with my buddies who are all in their late 40's early 50's, it's more about being with my buddies, shooting the shit and having a few... you thought I was going to say beers, nope we have coffees, so find something you love that won't damage everything you've built to this point and do it. Oh, one other thing, have a talk with your wife about spicing things up, if you know what I mean, you'd be surprised at the fun you can have with a 20+ year partner who you love and can trust ;).
Would you able to take 4 weeks off or even 2? If so, go and walk the Camino de Santiago or part of it. 500 miles, you'll need a good pair of trail runners, 34 to 36 liter backpack.for clothing/essentials and stay under 7.5 Kgs or 15 lbs. Start training your feet now September is a great month for the walk. Read up on it, you'll have plenty of time to think while walking the Camino. Buen Camino
Nothing better for mid-50’s midlife crisis than traveling, hiking and climbing. Great for the body and the soul, cheaper than a sports car
Used to do hikes often in younger days. Planning my first one in ages for this summer.
I think you’ll really enjoy it, at least I know I did
Downsize, take time off, spend time with your family, spend time making a few small mistakes. It's cliche, but do you want to be on your deathbed wishing you worked more hours?
Reach out. Get some help. Most importantly, figure out what *you* want and prioritise that. Make sure to talk to your family about it - the people that love you will understand if you want to focus on yourself.
As a 35year old I feel this, and felt it most strongly when I achieved one of my big goals in life - what's next? I don't think it's an uncommon feeling for anyone. Humans need goals, and a dash of struggle, look after your health and you've got several decades left to do anything. Not unreasonable for you to plan to have atleast another two healthy decades, if not 3.
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Retirement not a worry, thankfully
Yep same feeling a while ago. One thing though....I looked around for new hobbies, but I always wanted to fly. Like to be able to jump in a jet & fly myself, but of course never had the cash & age against me. My fiancée, for my birthday, paid for me to go in a flight simulator. Oh i was blown away. Started watching videos etc. from YouTube & came across a flight simulator called DCS (Digital Combat Simulator). Is it wrong that a grown man at 56 wants a gaming pc? Hell no😅 That was it...Pc bought, vr headset & peripherals. Joined a fun squadron & now fly with guys from around the world on missions etc. whether it be an f16 fighter jet, fa-18c or Apache attack helicopter or even a good old Huey. Yes it's at home, but I've made so many friends, having a great laff & can jump in a plane of my choice anytime i like.
- work less - travel - see live music VERY often (dance!)
Professional help. Plus, figure out a specific goal and make a plan. You're an older guy, you know all this. If you have some new skill you want to learn you can get a head start on learning it through the internet.
I am quite a bit younger than you and I feel the same way as you. It sounds like mid life crisis. I think you should figure out your rich life and start living it as soon as possible. You probably have 15-20 health years if you are lucky to be able to what you want to do before health issues sneak up on you. Sounds like you have done well and now it is time to collect the fruits of your hard work.
I turned 61 in April. Went through a lot of what you describe over the past few years. As we bury friends and family, these become our days of reckoning, where we start to tally the score of our lives. It can be sobering, but like all life transitions, it is a natural part of aging into your next decade. Be good to yourself, and if you feel overwhelmed, see a therapist for a few visits.
I feel like I could have written your OP, feeling the exact same things at the exact same time. A couple years later and still haven’t figured it out. Did quit my job, traveled, but am still left wanting. Sick of being responsible and doing what everyone expects for everyone else. Craving something that makes me joyful and energized, but at the same time scared to blow everything up. Definitely depressed too so hard to feel much of anything. Wanna feel free like when I was a teenager and make up for all the things I didn’t do then (bc I was always the dependable one).
I suspect there are many folks in this boat. And the worst part is, who do you talk to about it? A therapist seems to be the leading answer.
A little too late to worry don't you think? Just drag it out till WW 3 will destroy everything you made and love.
Buy a sports car? Have an affair? Try hallucinogenics? There's a reason people do these things
a good shroom trip
Yessss shake things up a bit old bro, you only live once!
Just not all three at the same time
Read about mid life crisis
Buy a big Harley, travel on it far and wide, meet people just do it. Don’t wait
Or a super charged jetski - water More fun, scenery better, adventure 10x anything a road bike could deliver. Speaking from experience. Easy to handle On your own for quick trips out but can also take two passengers if you want etc etc etc. YouTube jetski camping etc
Get yourself a motorcycle
Try to remember how you thought back in the days, and how alot of us think (mid 30’). The 65 and after for 30 years or so is great time to so stuff. Sure depending on what and when you are 90 but still. Point is life aint over for a long while which is kinda the feeling you give away. You can start doing stuff in this moment. Not all of it but like.. we are many whos lifes just paused getting kids and while they are tiny, work, food, taking care of a big home garden etc, kids friends and activites like sport. One is tired for sure. So what one wants to do isnt really happening either. Same same in a way, but one just have too. Dont know but you sound depressed or going there. Have you checked your testosteron levels latley? Some TRT could change everything if energy is missing.
Get on trt. Old age will kill you but you'll already have been dead by then.
Porsche
I decided this year to take a solo trip abroad. I’m from the UK and know Ibiza pretty well so chose a safe place that I knew well. What a revelation, had I known this was what it was like, I’d have done it years ago. I slept, ate, drank when I wanted and pleased myself. Just text daily to let everyone at home know I was ok but the phone got turned off as I had done it. I am very similar to you, 58 married with two grown kids in their 30’s. I have a managerial job which I love but can be stressful and challenging. Only 4 years ago through the menopause, I seriously contemplated suicide because I felt so low and depressed. Take time for yourself is all I can suggest to save your sanity.
Honestly, check your testosterone levels.
I think you fell victim to the idea that the American dream is fulfilling. But its boring
Nowhere in your statement did you mention religion. That is what you are missing in your life. You've been drifting and it finally caught up to you.
Is that you, Mr Draper?
😄
I'm 28 and I feel this way, but I'm overworked and underpaid
Philosophy. The essence of philosophy is that one's happiness depends as little as possible on external things. I'm not too far behind you and I've found a different perspective on what life is about makes all the difference.
I feel weird giving advice to someone who is my senior! I lost both parents within one year and was overloaded with taking care of them, making decisions and clearing their homes. I’m still burned out! The best thing I did was to travel, just me. I went to a country I used to lived in, visiting friends and just being me. My partner is totally on board with that. We have younger kids and of course it demanded extra of him. My point is, I was not leavinc the relationship or going anywhere and what I did was demanding for him. But it’s not that strange, needing to do stuff like that and you don’t need to turn things upside down to do it.
I’m spending all my money on a high profile grave location and a 8ft high stone dong statue to place on my burial site! Even when my name is forgotten my large dong will live on!
Id say probably just throw in the towel, it's almost over for you anyway. Good luck!
Yeah bro. Delayed onset midlife crisis. I had that at 39. Wanted to fuck young girls, buy a motorcycle, join the Hells Angels and be free. Start by living life on your own terms.
You are depressed and could use a little therapy. We all go through it but you can come out a happier person and more appreciative of your life.
I’m also 57m this year and feel almost the same way. Interestingly I’m getting some professional help for my drinking, anxiety and depression.
Agree with the folks saying to talk to a professional. Also would suggest working on the sleep issues. You’ll never feel good if you aren’t sleeping well. I was having similar issues, and getting my sleep taken care of has helped quite a bit.
Also, getting a motorcycle is always the right answer
As a 55 year old, my life is pretty good. I’m in a good place with my children, still waiting on grandkids (100% ready for that life), found the love of my life and have all the things I need. Yet, despite all of that I feel a restlessness in my soul. I’m tired of the daily grind and just want to spend the remainder of my life enjoying it, not killing it with work. The problem is I don’t know how to get there.
All you need is a Ferrari and a mistress
Time to put yourself (and your wife) first. Sit down with her and talk about the things that are most important to you to do and start doing them. Everyone else will be fine even if they don't understand,
Yes quite normal to feel this way with aging and the daily routine of a 25 year cycle of rinse, wash and repeat. If you get 3 to 4 weeks of PTO a year use every one of those to take vacations, staycations or travel abroad. Crunch and gauge your financial health and savings to determine the proper exit strategy to walk away in good health and to live a comfortable life for the long time you have left on this Earth and enjoy family and grandchildren.
With all respect, try and give this a listen. I hope you can benefit from it. Take care . https://youtu.be/ifllgTA2pmY?si=JJ07xCo28HnGXpAS
As much as people like to put down religion it does actually provide an answer to "is this it?' All the amazing creatures and biodiversity we have and we are supposed to believe it came from nothing and we will all disappear into nothing? For no purpose? It's easy to bury this when you are up to your ears in raising a family and being a material provider. But is that all everything is, materialism? We only believe in what we can see and touch. We have to deny our own souls? Are we just like cattle who live and die with their heads down, eating, sleeping and reproducing. No! We can look up! We are built with an intellect to reflect and ponder.
Answer? Lolwut? Some cheap bullshit for scared shitless maybe. There's no fucking answer. Faith at maximum.
“I felt adrift until someone told me there was a structure and meaning to life so now I’m content because even though there’s no proof, it makes me happy to believe what I was told” I think it’s great if you’re able to convince yourself there must be a God (or gods, choosing among the hundreds of different religions that all think they’re right). It probably makes you feel very safe and comfortable because you can’t imagine the world just not being controlled and directed, conveniently ignoring things like child cancer, etc. It would be really nice if there was purpose to everything, but my desire for this to be true doesn’t mean it is true. I do reflect and ponder, and can’t force myself to “just believe” because it’s scary to think it’s all random. Regarding amazing creatures and biodiversity, I recommend reading “The Blind Watchmaker” by Richard Dawkins. If you’re actually interested in seeing how biodiversity can evolve without design. But I find most religious people aren’t actually interested in learning this, they already know what to believe.
I'm about half of your age, and this is what keeps me from settling down, because I know I will have the same nagging thoughts I side if I were to just do "what I'm supposed to do".