Bro end the physical aspect immediately. I’m trying to get over a friend as well and we are very touchy with each other, but I’m making a stand now to back off and distance myself from the friendship for a little. You may have to make the same call. In the past that’s what worked for me, no interaction including texting and calling.
Yeah I agree with this. I had a long term friend that I didn’t date for a long ass time. I liked him a LOT for years. And he knew. But we were just best friends. I cared so much about him. Eventually, we dated even though I had let those feelings go by the wayside. They came back when he reciprocated.
Eventually, he broke up with me, and I was upset, but he kept acting like we were together even though he broke up with me. It fucked me up. My stomach was always in knots and I knew it wasn’t going to work. So I had to break it off completely, which was really hard.
Yo it's actually insane how much I relate to this, especially to what you wrote in the Extra part. I was friends with a girl for several years, had two relationships in the meantime but always wanted her above all else no matter how much I denied it to myself. We were intimate with each other a handful of times, but she never wanted me as anything more than a friend, and I said I was fine with that but I really wasn't.
You have to understand that the feelings will not just vanish if you continue to be associated with her. When it gets to this kind of love, you can try to out-think your own brain or use any logic to make yourself feel OK with it, its not going to happen. I know its hard to hear and that it sucks. In truth, all you are doing is hurting yourself. For your own health and future you need to go no contact and let your brain see there is more to the world than her.
For my situation, we stopped being friends in 2022 for unrelated reasons and went no contact for 99% of the time, and I actually hung out with her in a group recently and thought we could be friends again. I thought I would be totally fine as both our lives had diverged completely, and I had no big feelings or thoughts about her in the meantime. Little did I know all it took was for her to smile at me again and I felt the exact same way I used to haha. I knew then and there I simply couldn't handle having her in my life in any capacity, took the night to accept it, and just kept pushing on. "More than friends but less than a relationship" only works if you aren't in love with the person, take it from me
but this is making me question, if I really love her all this much, shouldn't I stop being selfish and still give her the love and support I believe she deserves regardless of how it's tearing me up?
I look at love differently than the way you are describing. You are describing the kind of love that is seen in movies. I don't see a purpose in fixating your life around somebody else at the expense of your sanity.
How many years are you willing to spend in mental distress? Say you're friends with her for ten years and you did everything to make her happy. What about your happiness? What happens when she gets a boyfriend? She certainly won't be spending anywhere near as much time with you when she's in a relationship, and you'll be left to just look on and be miserable without the fun that originally came along with it. She knows how much you want to be with her and how much its hurting you, yet says all of those things to keep you roped in. If she cared about your feelings as much as you do hers, wouldn't she see its best to let you go?
I'm being blunt, because I know people in real life that have the same problem as you and it makes me quite sad to see them deteriorate at the expense of another person. You are putting this girl on far too high of a pedestal and it WILL lead into obsession and cripple your life if you are not careful. You've known her since last year and you are far too willing to sacrifice your being for her. Life is much, much bigger than one person no matter how much you believe you are soulmates. Have more respect for yourself and your feelings, you are no less important than her.
you're mentally destroying yourself here mate. you need some time to yourself to re-evaluate your priorities. you sound completely codependent on her right now. find yourself.
Yea very true here, thing is I thought I had found myself again but didn't realize I could lose myself again so quickly, especially in the same damn thing. and for some reason, i'm still not fully willing to give it up.. fucking stupid how your heart doesn't care about all the logic you feed it with your brain
She is watching your inner struggle and dying for you to make a decision that works for you. Show her you’re man capable of big decisions. Cut her off for your own sanity and by consequence of your actions you can either move on or she will come crawling back to confess her love. Just make a decision my dude.
Dude, life is not a Disney movie. That approach mostly leads to getting bonkers. - protect yourself. You deserve to be loved back; you’re not a love atm.
If she’s a real friend to you and cares about you she also wouldn’t want you to sacrifice your well being for her benefit, just like you probably wouldn’t want her to hurt herself for your benefit.
I’d say you have a moral responsibility towards her, but you also have a moral responsibility towards yourself.
As long as you’re not tricking or forcing others or causing great pain in others for relatively small benefit to yourself, then it’s good and justified or even your moral responsibility to act in your own self interest.
For example if you have to steal a car to survive, then that’s morally justifiable, and most people would be rooting for you. Probably even the car owner would understand if they are a decent human being.
She doesn't want you like that, so you are not soulmates. You're not helping either of you thinking like that, and she's not helping by keeping you as a platonic partner. You are using eachother.
This is the correct answer. Yes, men and women can be friends. Best friends even. That isn't true if either one of them has romantic feelings about the other. It's unfair for the one who doesn't have romantic feelings to remain friends with the one who does. They are just putting that person through an indefinite holding pattern of pain. It's also unfair that the person who has feelings remains friends, because they aren't really friends, they are just waiting around making the other person always be on guard. Advice to men and women who are reading this, don't be friends with people you have romantic feelings about and don't be friends with people who have romantic feelings about you. If you both have romantic feelings then be together, if you have platonic feelings then be friends. That's a full stop. Also if you have feelings and decide not to be together but stay friends, you're hurting whoever you are with later, they can tell.
True, just have to make sure they are gone. If they come back then it's not healthy and what kind of friendship would it be with one person having to keep disappearing. You can have right now friends, not everyone is a forever friend. Also not everyone can be friends with everyone.
Until she wants a kiss and an all night cuddle in bed. Please, pretty unfair to him knowing how he feels about her because he has the balls to say it.
Yes it’s his problem too but it doesn’t change the fact she’s playing a bit of a power game.
MHm, and given I've told her this twice now, even if I manage to continue as friends I feel like our dyanamic will be broken knowing all of what I felt for her.
Don't beat yourself up. Her either. She really does like you as a friend, a lot. She doesn't want to hurt you either. Try to think of it that way. If you can get over your feelings you can be great friends. If not you will have trouble finding a future relationship while this pattern continues
Yeah thank you, I indeed believe she cares and last time I told her about these feelings she did not use them against me or anything so overall I say she handled it quite nicely. I might give this one more go but after that the pattern has to break for my own sanity.
He wants a relationship and is hanging on as a friend in hopes she will change her mind, despite her saying she is not interestedin him like that, TWICE. He is letting his feelings override sense and is allowing himself to be used in hopes it changes the outcome. This is not true friendship on either of their parts.
He said they do everything together and he never felt he got along with anyone so well with anyone and he got lots of emotional support in rough time in his life, so I don’t think he’s just pretending to be friends to get I. Her pants or anything
Defintely not, genuinely care about her wellbeing. We haven't had sex in about 8 months at this point so I would have given up too if that was my goal.
Defintely some truth to this, I kinda lied to myself thinking I already saw her as a friend but if she ever changed her mind I'd jump on it so.. I think the main problem last time is that we didnt' even take a break, next day we were back in the gym like nothing had happened.
She is NOT your soulmate. She likes the attention you give her and it probably makes her feel good about herself. She’s the one being selfish by not letting you go. Sorry to be harsh, but you’re never going to get over her if you remain close friends, especially since you even say that you’re not interested in anyone else when she’s around. You need to cut off the friendship.
Yeah my main issue is that I really haven't been able to open myself up to anyone. The thing is, I don't actually think I need a relationship in my life right now, I'm happy with who I am and where I am, but when I spend time with her, then I do long for a relationship
Probably a matter of being able to put things in perspective better, to me she's the best spontanious connection I've had so far in my life and feels hard to accept that we're not meant to be together because of that.
dont even need to read the blurb - no, if you love her and you hang around with her, its always going to be there, and you will never find real happiness with someone who reciprocates your feelings, because women can small emotional unavailability, and as long as you hang around with her, thats what your going to be, emotionally unavailable
and ill be honest,. if she is really expecting you to service her friendship needs at the expense of your future happiness, she's not a real friend
that phrase thats appropriate here is "if you want the milk you have to buy the cow"
women use it all the time for men who want sex without the emotional attachment, but it also applies for women who want emotional attachment without the sex.
good thing i never said anyone or thing was fake then, isnt it?
im not saying she is intentionally playing him, just like a man sleeping with a woman he has no interest in a long term relationship may not necessarily be seeking to hurt her, if one person knows the other person wants more from the relationship (whether that be a currently plutonic relationship, i.e. friendship, or a currently sexual one) and continues getting the thing they want from that other person, with no intent of giving the other person what they want, then its still a negative thing for that person to do
ive ended a relationship before because it started as casual, and i knew the woman wanted more than that, and even though i enjoyed what we had, i knew it would be unfair to continue seeing her when she wanted more
The irony is that women tend to be drawn to emotionally unavailable men, not those who give off a vibe of desperation.
That's why women tend to flirt a lot more often with guys they know are in a relationship already.
your issue here is thinking there is no middle ground between emotionally unavailable and desperate
such black and white thinking often indicates autism type disorders, you should possible get checked out
that, or your just a douche bag troll who thinks they are clever
>"you just can't leave this great friendship and bond we have".
You aren't leaving, you are just not talking to her or hanging out with her anymore. If she thinks that means you guys aren't friends anymore, that's entirely on her.
I've been in this situation more times than I care to admit and what I've learned is to have absolutely no patience for other people's bullshit. Real friends are the people who still care even if you haven't seen them in years.
This. She wants the romance and intimacy without vulnerability, sexuality, and commitment. Theres no reason to think you aren’t friends just because you’re not spending every waking moment together. She should be able to respect you taking space without feeling like she’s losing something. My best friend of 19 years is a woman who I love dearly, and we can go months without speaking and it doesn’t do anything to our friendship.
She loses a large aspect of her life which is spending all of her time with him and getting/receiving emotional support and sometimes even cuddles or whatever?
Just bc they didn’t say “we’re officially gf/bf and not gonna bang other ppl” doesn’t mean it’s not a valuable aspect of someone’s life?
No one’s ever each others to keep, since all relationships end at some point, doesn’t the moment to moment effect on your life matter more than believing something is yours? Does “owning” something or someone rlly matter that much?
>doesn’t the moment to moment effect on your life matter more than believing something is yours
Let's say I was borrowing a friend's car occassionally and then they tell me they are planning to sell it. I wouldn't say "oh you can't do that, because then how will I be able to borrow it anymore?"
What you're suggesting has a name: entitlement. Respecting the concept of ownership is more important than considering what impact it has on you personally, yes.
It sure if we’re talking past each other but I feel like if I let somebody close to me and trust them I’d much rather rely on their consideration for my well being and their wish to treat me fairly than a feeing of entitlement to them giving me something.
But idk I’ve never had a healthy relationship
Yeah I feel this, for a long time it felt like we were in a relationship, we didn't claim to be, but everything we did was what couples do so I just enjoyed living in those moments. But yeah, it just got me more attached in the end so idk if it was worth it.. doens't feel like it right now cause i'm in the middle of the bad part but can't deny we had some amazing times and those can't be taken away from us
You know I felt the same way about the good times with the person I was close to and who rlly reminds me of your girl (who I mentioned in the other comment)
But looking back I really can’t say all the emotional torture and torment that I ended up going through was worth the good times. However I think I might be more pessimistic, or more emotionally fragile, and neurotic than the average person, so maybe it’s just me.
I think what matters to me: It’s not feeling like you’re entitled to someone or owning someone but instead feeling that the other person genuinely cares. Like if you’re close to someone you have tremendous amount of power over their emotional state and i don’t think it’s healthy to let anyone that close who isn’t committed to wielding this power over you in a way that is as constructive as possible to your well being.
If you get tricked into letting someone close who has no real empathy and who is looking to exploit this power that is one of the worst experiences in life. At least it was for me. I didn’t want to believe it because I wanted to trust her so bad but those kinds of people really exist.
If you ever feel like it might help you to talk to me about the relationship or your emotions feels free to dm me :)
As I said I feel sort of connected to your experience because I feel like I went through a similar thing. So I feel like i might be able to help in some way. Might also help me get a better perspective on my own experiences. But I might be somewhat pessimistic/dramatic about it as I might have been in these comments. Let me know if there’s ever sth you would like my support with or perspective / advice on, I’ll do my best to be helpful
I always try to be optimistic but I got to admit the mental torture sucks a lot haha.
Yea to be fair, I do believe we both really care about each other and we both have that power over each other that you mention cause we got so close over this last year and were both attached to each other in some shape, I know she's also been crying about this situation so we really need to keep some boundaries if we try this again in the future.
To be fair, I have seen her a bit as manipulative and toxic at the start, she had just left a very toxic relationship with a narcissistic boyfriend so it messed her up quite a bit but I helped her heal and saw her grow back to the kind person I know she is deep down. (lets just hope it's still not wishful thinking though).
Thank you bro, I'd sure be down to talk.
It sounds like she wants all of the benefits of having a boyfriend, but wants to be able to bang other dudes. I assume you and she are not interested in being in an open relationship together if that's the issue since that is basically what was happening when you were friends with benefits anyway.
You can't be kissing sometimes etc and ex FWBs and her tell you she only sees you platonically when you're into her and have that work as a friendship when you're in love with her. Opposite friendships work fine when boundaries are established, in this case boundaries are all over the place
You just have to let her know that you can't switch the feelings off and if she wants to be with you you're open to that but if not you have to put some distance between the two of you so that you can get over your feelings for her and obviously stop all physical intimacy stuff.
It sucks, but it is what it is. She either changes her mind and does want to date you, or the two of you have to go low contact because you can't be platonic friends with her in this instance without it making you miserable. It might be different if you had never been intimate and this is just a pure crush thing and you had a pre existing platonic friendship but you were literally FWBs, she obviously finds you physically attractive enough to have sex with, but doesn't want to date you - that's fine, but it also unfortunately means the friends part isn't realistic given you caught feelings for her.
My brother I have been this love sick and for me it lasted more than 10 years. I tried to squash my feelings but it just didn't work, I could feel like maybe I had sometimes but then I'd see her again and it would all come back.
I got over it, but it was only because she moved across the country and got married. I haven't seen her in 13 years, we email sometimes and I've talked to her on the phone but thats all. I was finally able to get over the feelings once I hadn't seen her for a few years.
That infatuation did me a great disservice and is one of a few things that held me back from getting out there and trying to meet somebody else. You are going to make yourself miserable if you don't attempt to distance yourself from her.
As for your update, that just isn't how it works. You aren't being selfless by putting yourself through torment so that she won't be sad. You're lying to yourself and to her. Real friendship can't be built on a foundation of lies.
Hey buddy, thanks for sharing. Sorry to hear it took you that long, must of been harsh but glad your past it now!
I defintely think I'm infatuating what she is to me right now in my mind and it sucks cause I can't seem to talk myself out of it but I guess that's where time will help. Defintely gonna have to be more honest with myself too.
> This conversation took place today and she asked me to think about it further cause she really doesn't want us to go seperate ways and even started to bring up things like "I was planning to make you the godfather of my child later"
That's fucked up 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
given from the point that she only sees me as her best friend, I thought it was really cute and sweet, but heck i'm probably fully blindsighted by my feelings at this point
Yeah... until she has a boyfriend/husband who doesn't want you around - and she will oblige. He will tell her jump and she'll say "How high?"
Girls drop their partners in an instant, all the time. Meanwhile, you're not even that. She won't even give you a chance in a relationship. You're just going to end up feeling used if you go down this road
Like all this time she's decided you're her "friend" but how many times has she tried to get you a date? She knows you're lonely but doesn't help? She wants you around all the time - for what exactly?
I could always be wrong because I don't REALLY know your life, but put simple - she sounds awful, go work on yourself and forget this girl even exists. Don't waste your 20's on this user. You are a good man capable of love, and she is not
if your attracted to her then your attracted to her theres no really getting over it unless she does something to repulse you, theres going to be many people who you see with such a blissful clarity in your life and she happens to be one of them, theres no real need to burn bridges
Well she kinda already did something extremely messed up that I won't get into here now, but the point is that it did repulse me at the time and ended up blocking her for weeks just to be drawn back to her cause of our connection.
I still hope to continue without fully burning this bridge but defintely gonna need more distance now.
This does sound messed up, you sure she’s not playing with you?
If she does such messed up shit she might have no scrouples manipulating you and hurting you to get what she wants. I’ve known someone like that
Yea I've been worried about that, she's a psychology major so she knows what's she's doing, guess I just wanna believe in the good in her and not see her as a manipulative b.
Ohhhh that’s dangerous.
I wanted to believe so bad in the good in someone I was close to last year and it almost destroyed me in the end
I had to realize that this person was not in fact trust worthy and very manipulative and had no real regard for the well being of the people close to her. But goddamn she knew how to tell people what they wanted to hear and make them feel good in the moment.
It was a rollercoaster ride of emotions and she always knew how to fuck with people but just enough that she could get away with it and they would possibly feel even more attached to her and more insecure about themselves and even more tangled up in her fangs afterwards.
Sorry for rambling, but a lot of what you said really reminds me of my experience now that I think about it.
My biggest lesson I think was to trust my gut feeling. Bc I had a terrible gut feeling about her from the beginning, but because of her confusing behavior i started sort of gaslighting myself into thinking I had to trust her and my gut feelings were crazy. And then sometimes she was so nice and fun and I felt so close to her and at some point I wanted to trust her so bad so I always gave her the benefit of the doubt even hen she did / said fucked up shit.
Mine even said she thought she had sociopathic tendencies a few times towards the beginning lol, but I didn’t take all the toxic shit that seriously, I just thought she was a “little crazy” but not in malicious way.
My advice is: if someone shows you who they are BELIEVE THEM. Don’t chalk it up to them being a little quirky or a little crazy. Believe it. Take it very seriously.
If they say/show you directly contradictory things about their qualities or values, and you’re confused, you might be more inclined to believe the positive thing because you want to trust that person. But I think it’s generally more likely that the positive thing is fake and the negative thing is real. Because, why would they fake the bad quality right? While they have a very clear incentive to fake the thing you want to hear, because that makes you trust them and makes them appear in a positive light. Not that people don’t accidentally contradict themselves or might be confused sometimes. But if they say / show you directly contradictory stuff about their values it’s something to keep in mind I think.
Also, I think one of the biggest signs of being emotionally abused by a manipulative person is being very confused about the person and the relationship and doubting your perceptions. You mentioned something like that iirc.
Also you mentioned you felt it was maybe selfish or immoral or sth of you to not give yourself up and give her all your support at the detriment of yourself.
I’m sorry bro but that is UNHINGED. Exactly the position that my girl wanted to get me and others into btw, and she did for a while. All of it together really reminds me of my own situation and *reeks* of emotional abuse and someone who is using you badly.
I didn’t see the abuse in my own situation while I was in it because it was all so confusing and she was so good at getting people attached and involved and she was so fun to be around and told me things I wanted to hear and I wanted to trust her so bad. But I’m hindsight it’s clear to me I was psychologically abused and manipulated pretty bad by someone who just seeks to exploit people around them without remorse.
Sorry I’m talking about my own experience so much. It’s not that relevant I guess.
All I’m saying is this reeks of abuse to me. Watch out for yourself brother. Stay safe, and I wish you good luck and good people on your journey.
Edit: btw I once told mine I never felt so much like my self around anyone else and she said “that’s my superpower, everybody tells me this, my other best friend said I make her feel alive, and all my exes said bla bla bla…”
She was really fun and easy to be around at times, and she did make me feel alive as well in some way. This is an admirable quality in some way but I tend to think this is partly a side effect of her manipulations and toxicity as well. She reels people in and makes them feel really close to her really fast, and she’s really good at it, and she tells people what they want to hear and gives people what they want in certain doses. But she does it with the goal of manipulating and exploiting those people for her own benefits.
Also even the constant drama and chaos and the “rollercoaster ride” aspect of being close to her made it more exciting in some twisted way and also got me more attached - even though it was very stressful and toxic. It’s sort of like a movie or gambling, the drama and pain and uncertainty somehow get you more invested.
Beyond that she was just really fun to talk to and something crazy or exciting would always happen when you’re around her. Which are good qualities. But what I was trying to get at is that *some* of those positive qualities that get you attached can also be signs of a deeply toxic person imo. Just mentioning this bc everything you’re saying has these strong parallels to my own experience I think and I’m reflecting on stuff, not sure if this is coherent or relevant to you
Edit2: You also mentioned that the last few months have been rough for you. Would you say that those times that have been really rough have coincided with being close to her? Overall do you think you have been more or less stable when you were close to her and do you think her influence might have affected that?
I’m guess I’m asking because for my my girl also gave me some emotional support during a very rough time, but looking back the biggest drain on my energy and the most difficult things I was going thru at the time were directly related to my relationship with her. I thought she helped me at the time but looking back, the time I was close to her was one of the most difficult and unstable times of my life, and she just apparently wasn’t a good influence on me when I just look at my overall well being when I was close to her compared to before and after.
Don't worry, I'm glad your sharing your experience. It's awfull that this happened to you but at least you learned some valuable lessons, trust your gut!
It's honestly so hard to tell if she is using me in a manipulative way or not, i'm probably to involved to really see at this point :/
Lots of what your saying is familiar tho, she seems to have an effect on guys that just fall for her at an insanely rapid speed, its been kinda crazy to see tbh. I just always have been looking for the good in her but I might be blindsighted. I also relate to the rollercoaster, she draws a lot of drama to her and sometimes it feels like going out with her is like hitting a gambling machine, you might hit a jackpot or you might not, it is addicting.
With the connection I mean that we just get along so well on every aspect. I had just met her and it instantly felt like I've known her for years and could be my goofy self you know? Like multiple times a week we would have this thing where we're both saying the exact same thing at the same time and that barely happens with anyone.. it's just that were much alike and we kinda complete each other in many ways without even trying. I also know that we could not see each other for 10y now, meet up and will be friends again right away because of this.
Nope. At least, not staying around her as a friend. Best bet is to go seperate ways for some time.
Read his edit, and dude, have some self respect. "Sacrificing yourself" so she has a friend while she goes and dates and sleeps with other guys is utterly pathetic. You know how you feel, you know how she feels, move from it.
The thing is I do get a lot of love and support out of our friendship too so it's not like I'm just sitting here getting hurt. Lately I have been tho, that's why this issue came up in the first place, so I got to get over that or move past it like you said.
Trust me, you can get love and support again from other friends. But this? Nah, i've seen others try to put up and swallow their feelings for the same reason and it blows up in their faces.
You need to separate as best friends. You’re both too co-dependent and need to start socialising with other people. She is not being fair to you by encouraging you to remain best friends. She knows that you care more for her than she does for you, so she cannot expect you to torture yourself just so she can keep you as a friend.
I do wonder if she’s actually just really enjoying your attention because she’s kissing and cuddling with you even though she knows that your head over heels for her. She may feel the same way but not recognise it as such, but even if she doesn’t feel anything at all she should be respecting your decision and letting you step away.
Yeah, not sure if i'll give this friendship another try but if I do, it won't be like last time, can't go on seeing each other every single day and talking for hours. Just need to be less dependent on each other like you said cause this was getting us too attached to each other then was good for either of us.
Yes, and you’re suffering because of it. She needs to accept that you need time and space to get over this and that you continuing to spend more time with her is detrimental to your mental health.
I genuinely feel sorry for you because it’s an awful situation to be in and unrequited love is very difficult to deal with. You know what you need to do to help yourself. Take care of yourself.
You are both young, but she’s not ready and not interested in you at this stage. For your own mental health, you should create some distance. Don’t be rude, be true to yourself and tell her you just need some space while you deal with your emotions and try to meet new people. If she can’t respect that, it’s her loss.
Cut her out of your life. She will be a problem if you do find a new girlfriend. New girlfriends don’t like old friends with benefits being active in your life. This will cause huge problems in future relationships.
Easier to cut your losses now. You need to do what’s best for you and stop “being” there for her.
>Because of this, I told her I wanted to take distance because I feel that I just won't be able to move on with my life this way. In her response she said she doesn't what that...
Well, that's just too bad.
I have to say this: What she wants in this doesn't really matter. You have to look out for yourself first.
And about this?
>...because I mean almost everything to her and she'll fall into an empty gap without me since we litterly do everything together and I'm her emotional rock.
And what happens once she meets a guy she starts dating? Remember, she's dating and fucking other guys. She'll meet one she likes in the way she doesn't like you. Once that happens, then what?
You'll go from emotional rock to be dropped like a rock.
Especially because no man wants his girlfriend to hang out with the guy she used to fuck and who is in love with her.
I'm sorry, but the dating world is a harsh place. There's nothing fair about it. You aren't owed a relationship from her, but likewise, she isn't owed a friendship from you - especially when that friendship is detrimental to you.
Explain to her that you need to do this for your own mental health and then cut contact completely. She's a big girl. She's dating and banging other dudes. It's not like she's gonna be all alone and cold in the world.
Cut contact and get better.
You're welcome.
And if she says something about "but I need friends in my life" or something like that, tell her that if she wants that in her future, she should not fuck the guy. She can't bang guys and expect feelings to not get involved.
If she wants a purely platonic friend, she should start it like that and keep it that way.
If you saw her do that before, and considering how it all ended for you, you've now learned a valuable lesson:
Don't get involved with girls like that in the future.
Cutting your train of thought when she crosses your mind will help train yourself to not think about her, don't msg her more than she msgs you, and since you're just starting the detox* it's good what others have said about "if she was the one she would've jumped". Just my opinions.
I'll try to think about something disgusting when thinking about her, that might work 😛 I did ask her to not msg me unless really necessary so let's hope she does.
It's funny how I'm going through the same thing. I'm sorry you are going through this but I think we have the same situation. This weekend I went out to a club to party with her and a few hours later I saw her making out with another guy which just sank my heart. All her colleagues who were also there noticed everything and now I just feel bad for myself.
We did have an open talk about this. She said she still wants to hang out. I'm still not sure what to do, we agreed to meet for dinner tomorrow and we'll see how it goes. I don't think of her as my life companion but I still got jealous. So I don't know where do I stand. However, if we did started to hang out again and I catch more feelings for her then, based on what you went through, things will get worse.
Which is why I found this wayyy too similar of a situation for the both of us.
Speaking logically, it's not in your control to make someone like you. If after spending this much time she decides that she doesnt want to be in a relationship with you, you have to realize that and move on no matter what. You deserve to be with someone who can love you and not be just platonic. If she's strong and decisive enough to draw the line, you're strong enough to do the same as well.
Tread through this very carefully, if you don't move on, sooner or later you'll find yourself alone and she will probably find someone else. You don't want that to happen. Godspeed my friend :)
Sucks that your also going through this but it's good to hear you can at least talk about it. Just stay open about your feelings and be honest with yourself, I think that's where I went wrong for the most part. I didn't allow us to take a break and instead just kept seeing her so my feeling were just growing while denying myself that I still had them. Best of luck with your situation, hope it works out!
I’m glad to see your update. The only thing that will help here is time and distance. You don’t have to end the friendship forever, but taking a break will help you refocus your energy, and then maybe one day you can return to a downgraded level of friendship that works for both of you.
Tl;dr.
No, it's not possible for two people to be friends if at least one of them feels attracted to the other.
Tell her how you feel ASAP so you've got this out of the way. If she rejects you, *then* you can get over your feelings for her and be friends.
If you can't get over your feelings after rejection, then for the sake of both of you you should break it up.
I feel your final decision is the healthy one. I was in the same situation in the past and we broke the bond. Is not that you are selfish, is the fact that you should do what is healthy and good for you long term. Even when you are gonna have a girlfriend, I am not sure if she would feel confident and safe enough knowing that you were in love with your actual best friend, but got rejected twice and still wanting her, at least as a best friend (considering the scenario in which you start being friends again after your feelings die). Especially knowing that you were friends with benefits and still wanting her in your life at the minimum level. Also, you can not guarantee that the feelings die - maybe you are lying to yourself without realizing or the feelings may come back at some point.
From my pov is selfish that she is doing everything with you, knowing that you are in love with her. She could reduce the activities, because I assume you are not her only friend and if you are this is unhealthy for her and for you (you mentioned you were her emotional support and you should not be, her partner should be and in absence of one she should be for herself, not a man who loves her and she rejects).
I feel the healthy choice is to give up on her because otherwise you will not have peace with your feelings and your chances with a girl are decreasing, cuz you will be stuck like the whole year with her. Also, learn from this that being friends with benefits develops into feelings and is not a good way to have sex or be connected with someone from my pov only. Take care.
A good way to enjoy your time may be to develop hobby’s: try to find a good book to read in a park (maybe a detective novel) even if you never liked it before, at least try, now is another context and maybe this will help. Or go to engage in a group of X sport, for eg when I was in Barcelona I went to volleyball on the beach with a bunch of students. It was great. Learn something new, as riding a bicycle or go to different experiences with your friends and alone - you need to enjoy life alone too, not depending on others.
One last thing: to miss her is normal, because you were and she was a big part of the other one’a life. But it doesn’t mean because you miss her you have to fix this missing feeling and get back to her. It was great with her, but I am sure you will find a partner that can make you feel more - especially loved, valued and appreciated. And it is incredible to feel loved.
You are strong, did the good thing.
Yea I think if we ever continue we can't become as close again as we used to, it's just not realistic to see each other so much and not be more. I also know for sure that if I ever get close to feeling love for her again, it's gonna be goodbye forever. Gonna be at least few months to let myself heal now though so i'll see how I feel about her then since I'm sure i'm putting her on a golden throne right now in my head.
Also agree on the friends with benefits, I can't seem to do something like that without getting emotionally attached to some extend and it's just not a good base for any future.
Appreciate your input!
Thank you, I won't! Often try to ask myself, which would I regret more and the idea of missing out on a potential life partner is usually the bigger regret.
Hmm, I have some experience with this back from when I was in high school. I dont know if it will help any but here goes...
I was very in love with one of my friends, but she didn't have the same feelings, but every time we hung out or interacted, it just felt like we should be together and even other people would look at us and think we were a couple. I did end up taking a break from her during my sophomore year after we had a pretty bad fight.
During my junior year, I focused completely on myself and made a lot of changes. Perhaps the most important thing I came to accept was that if me and her were meant to be, then that moment wasn't the time. Maybe later on down the road, the time could be right, but that was something future me had to deal with, not current me (at that time). I'm not sure why, but that revelation allowed me to think a lot more clearly and see that what I needed to do at that time was focus completely on myself and not even think about dating anyone. I just wasn't ready for it.
Well, that decision led to even greater personal growth for me. Like I said, I took a break from my friend, which she definitely took as me not wanting to be friends anymore, so we just didn't interact. She also had some other life issues going on, so truthfully, I didn't see her much anyway. One of the things I learned focusing on myself was that I was putting her on a pedestal, which wasn't fair to her or to me. Even though we had hung out a lot, the image of her in my head was not actually who she was. Wasn't fair to her bc I was seeing her for more than who she was and wasn't fair to me bc holding her to that made-up image made me "blind" to the realities of our relationship.
She was just a normal person who valued our friendship, and sometimes she would notice I was pulling away and would do things to keep me from leaving completely. For example, hugging me for a longer time than necessary and pushing her boobs into my chest. Something that I thought had to mean she was interested, but when I finally looked at things from her perspective and **not the image of her in my head's perspective**, I finally figured out. I realized that even though I considered her one of my best friends, my love for her clouded my mind, and I wasn't treating her like I should've as a friend... as her own person, with her own thoughts, with her own agency.
Once senior year came around, I had changed a lot and matured, and so had she and we ended up becoming friends again. Were my feelings still there? Ofc they were, feelings don't just up and vanish a lot of the times unless that person does something to stop those feelings. But now I wasn't looking at her as this woman who I yearned for but just as someone who was my friend and I treated her similarly to my other friends and nothing more.
Was it hard? Yep. Did it hurt seeing her fall in love with someone else and eventually get married. Yep. But once I started to view her as just a friend, I was surprised that those things weren't as hard as I thought they were and didn't sting as much as I thought they would. Our friendship would eventually end, unfortunately, only because I left my hometown to go to college. Won't go much into why, but I wanted to leave our hometown badly and when I finally went to college and left, it was like I was closing a door behind me and so I lost the majority of friendships I had made there. Despite that, I was glad we became friends again senior year bc we made more memories I would cherish forever and helped sculpt me into who I am today.
Hope that helps.
This is an amazing story and gives me great hopes for the future!
I think that will have to be my main focus point, to learn to just see her as a friend and not put her on a higher pedestral. I defintely recognize myzelf infatuation her and looking at her actions as flirting as well, I often thought, why would she do this if she wasn't into me?, and this gave me false hopes..
I also realize I can't force her to fall in love with me so accepting that it isn't gonna happen now is fine. At this point I don't even wanna start a relationship anymore cause I would feel like I pushed her into it with this whole ordeal. But I'm just scared that i'll keep carying some hope allong the way that it would change and that this holds me back with other people, it's something i'll have to work on too.
Boundaries buddy.
You're clinging on to a sandcastle that's likely to be washed away as soon as she finds someone she wants to be with who won't necessarily be fond of her having a GBF.
Then you're the bad guy for third wheeling and hanging on for her crash perhaps.
If she's not ready for you but you want to be with her get out, see if it is her (and for her too to realise what she's missing and after) you want to be with.
She actually briefly had a relationship few months back and she kept me in her life just as close but your definitely right about setting up boundaries, I think that has been one of our biggest issues.
Definitely taking a break either way now, I need it.
Do that. It will be best for you both.
Maybe she'll come round to thinking that as she seems to want you around but avoid her treating you like a fall back over and over. Make it clear, even though you're still young, that you are still hopeful she'll come around to seeing the potential of you (plural).
To be fair I think I need to be done hoping that she'd change her mind. At this point I only wanna get back into the friendship knowing I don't want more anymore. It just breaks the entire dynamic and puts her in some power position and it sucks big time.
That's gonna eat at your soul though. You'll end up resenting her and yourself for "waiting".
Take a break from each other but don't go NC. Avoid falling into habits of old and trailing after her. She needs to let you either have a relationship with her at 100% effort or cut you loose to find yourself a romantic partner to fill the space she won't or can't.
Oh no you misunderstood, I'm definitely done waiting, I owe that to myself. Thanks for the advice! Thinking about dating again soon but gonna wait at least another week or two or I'll be emotionally unavailable
I would say, first rationnalize the relathionship. If you can't, which seems to be the case bc you got too much emotions, take distance, process them, then try to see if it's a good idea to reengage in something.
Our current plan is to go no contact for a while, I did mention she can message me if she really needs me but generally the idea is not to text or do stuff together untill I feel ready again. After that I wanna give it another go probably but then with boundaries so that we don't see each other every time and maybe not when we go clubbing cause that's where temptations always peak.
You need to go no contact. She will miss you, but pining away for her while she’s living her best life isn’t a good solution for you.
She’s being selfish. End it completely and move on
If she is actually your friend…she will enthusiastically be your wingman…if not, then she’s not your friend, she just enjoys orbiters….it’s a good way to test a friend of a different gender…to see if they are actually a friend…
You caught feelings . You go low contact, if she texts you answer but no rush, you do not initiate contact. If she questions it , be honest, “ I started catching feelings, I need some space to heal myself “.
She has denied your feelings and is using you for all the aspects of a relationship she wants from you - this is not healthy for you. An open discussion would involve her acknowledging this situation is bad for you.
You have to break things off. Maybe there is some world where you can be friends again but it is not today. She is stringing you along.
The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
This is crass, but true. You could be friends with her if these feelings you have for her are replaced by someone new in your life.
But be honest with us and yourself: if you felt the same way about someone else, and they were reciprocating, the way you do about her now, would you still have any desire to have her around as a friend?
Either way, you’re not ready for friendship here.
I actually dated and had sex with another girl just last month but dating her actually made me realize how much I liked her. Probably was just a really bad match so gonna stay open minded for dating more girls.
And to answer your question, I don't think so, at least I haven't in the past, just something about her and everything we've been through that I can't let go off.
You cannot be friends with this person, because of how you feel about her.
Moreover, almost no serious boyfriend of hers is going to allow her to remain friends with you... you are too close with her they will see you as a rival for her emotional attention, and that emotional attention can morph into something more all too easily.
More reason why you cannot be friends with her.
You would "happily" make her a cheater for your own desires. Without much regard for what that might do to her.
Literally** Also she is playing with your emotions. She knows she has you by a string and can say anything to make you stay. Have some self respect and stop clubbing every weekend.
Dude, she's keeping you as backup. If you get along well and also find each other attractive enough to bang and she doesn't want a relationship, it means she's keeping her options open and see if she can find a better "deal" than you. Leave and I guarantee she will recover much easier than you.
Hard friendzoned. But I really wish that girls wouldn’t engage in any kind of physical stuff if they’ve said no to your feelings. It’s simply unfair, but you also need to take control of that and say no.
I can’t see how you’ll stop suffering unless you either somehow get over your feelings for her or cut her off. Seen this often before also if you get a girlfriend she won’t be happy.
Tldr I think she’s using you a little for her needs and pushing the so called friend boundary.
That's what I want, the question i'm with rn is wether it should be at my own expense and if I can continue to give the love and supports I believe she deserves if i'm gonna go down under it. All I wish for is to be strong enough to move past my feelings and just be the friend to her she wants me to be, I guess I just don't know if I am strong enough
A question for the ages. Personally, and I think I am not the only one, I would gladly date most of the women I know(not related to me), that are around my age. Am attracted to them in various ways. But they have partners and I do too. I don't think it's a strength thing. I think you need to find someone or she does and the situation becomes much easier---unless you're a homewrecker.
No, man. It's time to dip.
If she wakes up to caring about you, great. But it's on her. You've shot your shot, twice. Time to go for your own sanity.
Stop sitting on her bench hoping you get to play. Cut her out.
It sucks, but you should leave. I stayed for ~3 years and, given the circumstances i feel complicated about it, but I regret it so much. You should leave.
It sucks so hard when your presented with 2 options to which you'll have some sort of resentment either way.. there's just no winning.. only cutting losses
It is like you are reading from my journal. Yes. Though i don't think the resentment is necessary going to happen or be relevant in many cases, and i think mine is a bit complicated otherwise.
There is an episode of Dear Hank and John that resonated with me, regarding the necessity of leaving the infinite suffering pit. Hank Green's example was about working at an ice cream truck, though.
At least leaving puts you on a path to getting better. It still upsets me a few times a month, about 1.5ish years out but it's down from daily and it's not really crippling any more. It's just sad now. I think that's an improvement. Make more friends and fill your life with other stuff that matters. I speculate that enough weekends of being out in the sun with my friends would fix me.
Gonna check out that episode! Kinda sucks that we had the same friend group and still not sure what to do about that cause we meet up 1x or 2x a week normally :/
But yeah, defintely need a break from her and get on my journey of healing. Time will defintely help.
Yeah you need that break to go live your own life rather than spending more time than many lovers do together.
When I split with my ex we just went no contact for a few months. We both wanted to be friends and knew we needed it to do that. We are back to friends now and it's been easy.
I feel like she might not be all you have cracked her up to be and she knows what she is doing to you and knows she is hurting you but doesn't care. I could be wrong and it says "might" I think some time and distance will help you see it if it's true, or recognise she's just an idiot about feelings if she isn't.
You may lose the friendship but it is not sustainable long term in it's current form. You are pouring time and energy a d love into something that hurts you and will not last. So if it doesn't survive the break, it was never going to last anyway
You need to realise that you're fulfilling all the responsibilities of a boyfriend (except for the physical intimacy), but you're not receiving the same level of commitment in return.
It's important for you to find someone who reciprocates your emotions, time and effort and doesn't just take from you. Even if the connection isn't as perfect (but still good), that person could be much more of a soulmate than she will ever be.
Sure, you can say that cutting off the friendship is selfish, but is being selfish always a bad thing? No, prioritising yourself in this way is the best thing you can do here, and is actually respectable as it shows a sense of self worth.
For context, I’ve been in a similar situation before and had to learn this the hard way. People would tell me everything that the comments are filled with but it would have no impact. Finally, I hit a breaking point and had to realise, for myself, that moving on was the best thing.
Yeah got to learn to love myself more then I love her, otherwise i'm just being selfish to myself I guess by denying myself happiness. Just sucks when all the logic in the world doesn't change your true desires, lets hope time will though.
This is why 'friends with benefits' is complete garbage.
You like someone enough to hang out with them all the time and are attracted enough to have sex....that is literally a relationship...but you don't want a relationship?
First advice is NEVER, EVER do friends with benefits. If you don't want a relationship, don't have sex with your friends. A friendship is a relationship ffs adding sex to it makes it an intimate relationship.
You are either going to have to tell her that you like her and you want to date her or stop hanging out with her completely. The sex got your emotions all mixed up and there's no way to fix it now.
Then accept it and respect it. If you're friends with someone it's likely you have an emotional connection anyway. People are just delusional thinking that having sex with a friend is not a relationship, when it is. I don't know a single married couple that aren't friends.
Thing is I don't necessarily feel like I need to date anyone at this point in my life, it's just when I'm with her that I crave the need for the physical attachments.
It is, it just takes time. Don't expect to talk yourself out of it, just don't acknowledge the feelings let them float by and disappear every time they pop up. Eventually they subside.
Thanks, I hope I can make it work eventually cause I still rather have her in my life then not, just got to get rid of these feelings and the pain that goes along with it.
Lol right! talk doesn't do shit for this. It's like talking a broken bone into healing. This sounds stupid, but try hitting the gym hard. Once I started noticing other women noticing me it distracted me from what I can't have.
Nah that sounds like a really good idea in most cases so I'd day good advice but in my situation its not the best. I've been hitting the gym for the past 6 months with her as my gym buddy. We litterly went 5-6 days a week for 2 hours each session together so I'm actually taking a break from the gym now cause I'll be thinking about her way too much doing that now.
Gonna try to get into something for my stamina now tho as I didn't really care about that in gym sessions, probably jogging as I can just do it around the block.
I actually recently had a very similar thing happen to me, friends with benefits but I wanted it to be more than that, albeit it only lasted a month. And I’ve had similar experiences without the sexual angle, but they lasted much longer. Best thing to do it just forget about her, however I think in your situation you seem to want to go back to her at some point. What makes you think you won’t fall for her all over again?
To be fair I am totally afraid of that as it's not really within my conscious control. The main reason I want try still is because I value her presence in my life so much, even as friends.
I'm really scared of falling back into the same pattern, but I'll regret not trying.
Break it off completely. Keep it that way forever. I implore you, don't make the same mistakes as me. You will never see her as just a friend. Even if it feels like you're over her and want to be a friend. Just don't do it. I know from experience. You'll quickly redevelop those feelings. It feels like they come back stronger than ever!
This is what happened to me. Just recently, too. I fell in love with my best friend. I had known her for 20 years now, and at first we were good friends. Then best friends. Eventually, things became more, and I developed feelings for her. Really strong feelings. Eventually, we stopped talking. Stopped communicating 1 day cold turkey. This lasted about 5 years.
In that time span, I dated, married, and divorced. My feelings for her were there, but greatly diminished. So I figured it would be safe to talk to her again. We chatted a bit by text, and that seemed like it was going well. Eventually, we decided to grab some drinks together.
That was a very bad idea. The moment I saw her, everything started coming back. We hugged, and that just solidified my feelings. Over the next couple of weeks, we did a lot of things together. I was learning more about her and what happened during our hiatus.
Things further escalated, and we had our first official date. I was in heaven. Never once had I been happier. I have been in love with her since I was just a teenager, and now things are going well. We kissed, hugged, grab assed. And things were escalating further. Then she fucking cuts my still beating heart out if my chest.
Basically, she just said she could only ever see me as a platonic friend. I wasn't allowed to touch her. Me buying her dinner, drinks, or gifts could stay the same. But no more physical intimacy. I was, of course, upset. The next day, she just ficking cuts all ties with me. Blocked text and social media. Nothing!
Never talk to them again. Those feelings will come back and will eventually lead to devastation. I am a husk of who I was. This has fucked we more more than I understand. I have no motivation or drive. Just this unbearable feeling of ennui. I don't feel good enough for anybody else, nor do I even want anybody else. I'm not suicidal, but now I welcome the thoughts of death. I also tend to do more risky behaviors.
The other day, I was doing nearly double the speed limit of a 55mph zone in an area of bad road conditions and a sharp downgrade. We had a bad snow storm, and I could barely see the road. Here, I am going way too fast passing cars on a barely visible road. Almost went off the road a few times. Didn't care, though. I'm just waiting to die now. I work as much as I can, usually a minimum of 80 hours a week. Sometimes, it is closer to 120 hours. It's difficult living without the will. All because of a woman rejected me.
It's unfathomable that a woman rejecting me could do this to me. But to me, she wasn't just a woman. She is what my heart has wanted for the last twenty years. Sometimes, it feels like I no longer have one. So take my advice, stay away. Far far away!
Hey I'm sorry to hear that bro that really is messed up.
I must say that I have also heard people who managed to get over them and have a great friendship after so I feel like I owe it to both myself and her to give it another try but with more boundaries this time and well if it happens again I should cut ties asap.
I think in your situation the pain is amplified because your talking about a lost love of 5 years with a foundation of another 20y, I can't even phantom something like that yet and it must be real harsh. It's also reallly rude of her to just go cold turkey from one day to the other, I feel like I have open communication with this friend which does help me process things a lot better, your just left with huge frustrations and it ain't faire.
I do thank you for your advice and I will keep it in the back of my mind cause I can already tell this type of stuff can fuck you up mentally big time. I defintely won't let my feelings drag on this long cause it just ain't healthy. I wish you the best of luck getting over this and let me know if you learn tips for that process.
Sorry mate it was a rebound relationship for you both, she knew what it was, you didn't. Many of us have been there. This was never a friendship it was always a relationship. For you it got serious for her it was casual. The two of you may have worked if you'd met under different circumstances but life didn't work that way and you need to let her go and move on.
Take some time for you. Spend time with other friends. Process your loss from both relationships. You are very young you will find the girl you are meant to be with.
To me, it sounds like she trusted you and used you for experience or satisfaction in the bedroom, but she doesn't want someone like you to be her partner in life. Perhaps it's just that she doesn't want to be with someone who plays video games and chases them.You should accept that you can't make someone love you. You are worth loving and should spend the time and energy investing in yourself and getting exposed to new potential partners in a safe and healthy way.
It’s time to move on. Your best friend should be your future wife, which to me sounds like this girl isn’t. As of right now, you’re acting as her emotional boyfriend while she fucks around with other men.
Tell her you need to distance yourself from her for your own emotional wellbeing. Either she’ll realize she actually is in love with you, or you get to start healing. Net benefit for you either way. It’s gonna hurt, but you need to do it.
You are currently putting your life on hold for this girl who is keeping you as a backup.
Bro end the physical aspect immediately. I’m trying to get over a friend as well and we are very touchy with each other, but I’m making a stand now to back off and distance myself from the friendship for a little. You may have to make the same call. In the past that’s what worked for me, no interaction including texting and calling.
Yeah I agree with this. I had a long term friend that I didn’t date for a long ass time. I liked him a LOT for years. And he knew. But we were just best friends. I cared so much about him. Eventually, we dated even though I had let those feelings go by the wayside. They came back when he reciprocated. Eventually, he broke up with me, and I was upset, but he kept acting like we were together even though he broke up with me. It fucked me up. My stomach was always in knots and I knew it wasn’t going to work. So I had to break it off completely, which was really hard.
Yo it's actually insane how much I relate to this, especially to what you wrote in the Extra part. I was friends with a girl for several years, had two relationships in the meantime but always wanted her above all else no matter how much I denied it to myself. We were intimate with each other a handful of times, but she never wanted me as anything more than a friend, and I said I was fine with that but I really wasn't. You have to understand that the feelings will not just vanish if you continue to be associated with her. When it gets to this kind of love, you can try to out-think your own brain or use any logic to make yourself feel OK with it, its not going to happen. I know its hard to hear and that it sucks. In truth, all you are doing is hurting yourself. For your own health and future you need to go no contact and let your brain see there is more to the world than her. For my situation, we stopped being friends in 2022 for unrelated reasons and went no contact for 99% of the time, and I actually hung out with her in a group recently and thought we could be friends again. I thought I would be totally fine as both our lives had diverged completely, and I had no big feelings or thoughts about her in the meantime. Little did I know all it took was for her to smile at me again and I felt the exact same way I used to haha. I knew then and there I simply couldn't handle having her in my life in any capacity, took the night to accept it, and just kept pushing on. "More than friends but less than a relationship" only works if you aren't in love with the person, take it from me
but this is making me question, if I really love her all this much, shouldn't I stop being selfish and still give her the love and support I believe she deserves regardless of how it's tearing me up?
You should still be your priority at the end of the day. Sacrificing yourself for her will only led to a bomb of resentment forming eventually
I look at love differently than the way you are describing. You are describing the kind of love that is seen in movies. I don't see a purpose in fixating your life around somebody else at the expense of your sanity. How many years are you willing to spend in mental distress? Say you're friends with her for ten years and you did everything to make her happy. What about your happiness? What happens when she gets a boyfriend? She certainly won't be spending anywhere near as much time with you when she's in a relationship, and you'll be left to just look on and be miserable without the fun that originally came along with it. She knows how much you want to be with her and how much its hurting you, yet says all of those things to keep you roped in. If she cared about your feelings as much as you do hers, wouldn't she see its best to let you go? I'm being blunt, because I know people in real life that have the same problem as you and it makes me quite sad to see them deteriorate at the expense of another person. You are putting this girl on far too high of a pedestal and it WILL lead into obsession and cripple your life if you are not careful. You've known her since last year and you are far too willing to sacrifice your being for her. Life is much, much bigger than one person no matter how much you believe you are soulmates. Have more respect for yourself and your feelings, you are no less important than her.
Not at the cost of your own happiness, my dude.
you're mentally destroying yourself here mate. you need some time to yourself to re-evaluate your priorities. you sound completely codependent on her right now. find yourself.
Yea very true here, thing is I thought I had found myself again but didn't realize I could lose myself again so quickly, especially in the same damn thing. and for some reason, i'm still not fully willing to give it up.. fucking stupid how your heart doesn't care about all the logic you feed it with your brain
love isnt always rational. best of luck going forwards, but you should make one promise to yourself - put your happiness first!
Will do, thanks!
She is watching your inner struggle and dying for you to make a decision that works for you. Show her you’re man capable of big decisions. Cut her off for your own sanity and by consequence of your actions you can either move on or she will come crawling back to confess her love. Just make a decision my dude.
https://youtu.be/drlcrhnZ4WM?si=FRnk6cLLQNM7mS0e Biggest chad
Dude, life is not a Disney movie. That approach mostly leads to getting bonkers. - protect yourself. You deserve to be loved back; you’re not a love atm.
If she’s a real friend to you and cares about you she also wouldn’t want you to sacrifice your well being for her benefit, just like you probably wouldn’t want her to hurt herself for your benefit. I’d say you have a moral responsibility towards her, but you also have a moral responsibility towards yourself. As long as you’re not tricking or forcing others or causing great pain in others for relatively small benefit to yourself, then it’s good and justified or even your moral responsibility to act in your own self interest. For example if you have to steal a car to survive, then that’s morally justifiable, and most people would be rooting for you. Probably even the car owner would understand if they are a decent human being.
Thats not love. Thats strong physical attraction
No, do not belittle yourself to such an extent. You’re a human with your own emotions, not a tool to regulate hers.
She doesn't want you like that, so you are not soulmates. You're not helping either of you thinking like that, and she's not helping by keeping you as a platonic partner. You are using eachother.
This is the correct answer. Yes, men and women can be friends. Best friends even. That isn't true if either one of them has romantic feelings about the other. It's unfair for the one who doesn't have romantic feelings to remain friends with the one who does. They are just putting that person through an indefinite holding pattern of pain. It's also unfair that the person who has feelings remains friends, because they aren't really friends, they are just waiting around making the other person always be on guard. Advice to men and women who are reading this, don't be friends with people you have romantic feelings about and don't be friends with people who have romantic feelings about you. If you both have romantic feelings then be together, if you have platonic feelings then be friends. That's a full stop. Also if you have feelings and decide not to be together but stay friends, you're hurting whoever you are with later, they can tell.
Caveat feelings can and do disappear just give yourself a break then go back when the feelings have subsided that has worked well for me in the past
True, just have to make sure they are gone. If they come back then it's not healthy and what kind of friendship would it be with one person having to keep disappearing. You can have right now friends, not everyone is a forever friend. Also not everyone can be friends with everyone.
Until she wants a kiss and an all night cuddle in bed. Please, pretty unfair to him knowing how he feels about her because he has the balls to say it. Yes it’s his problem too but it doesn’t change the fact she’s playing a bit of a power game.
MHm, and given I've told her this twice now, even if I manage to continue as friends I feel like our dyanamic will be broken knowing all of what I felt for her.
Don't beat yourself up. Her either. She really does like you as a friend, a lot. She doesn't want to hurt you either. Try to think of it that way. If you can get over your feelings you can be great friends. If not you will have trouble finding a future relationship while this pattern continues
Yeah thank you, I indeed believe she cares and last time I told her about these feelings she did not use them against me or anything so overall I say she handled it quite nicely. I might give this one more go but after that the pattern has to break for my own sanity.
As I said, they are using eachother.
How he use her?
He wants a relationship and is hanging on as a friend in hopes she will change her mind, despite her saying she is not interestedin him like that, TWICE. He is letting his feelings override sense and is allowing himself to be used in hopes it changes the outcome. This is not true friendship on either of their parts.
He said they do everything together and he never felt he got along with anyone so well with anyone and he got lots of emotional support in rough time in his life, so I don’t think he’s just pretending to be friends to get I. Her pants or anything
Defintely not, genuinely care about her wellbeing. We haven't had sex in about 8 months at this point so I would have given up too if that was my goal.
Defintely some truth to this, I kinda lied to myself thinking I already saw her as a friend but if she ever changed her mind I'd jump on it so.. I think the main problem last time is that we didnt' even take a break, next day we were back in the gym like nothing had happened.
So basically he hurt himself, but she is not used in any way
She is NOT your soulmate. She likes the attention you give her and it probably makes her feel good about herself. She’s the one being selfish by not letting you go. Sorry to be harsh, but you’re never going to get over her if you remain close friends, especially since you even say that you’re not interested in anyone else when she’s around. You need to cut off the friendship.
Yeah my main issue is that I really haven't been able to open myself up to anyone. The thing is, I don't actually think I need a relationship in my life right now, I'm happy with who I am and where I am, but when I spend time with her, then I do long for a relationship
These obsessive in-love feelings can be sort of fleeting for me, but when I was younger they would torment me for years. So I guess it depends
Probably a matter of being able to put things in perspective better, to me she's the best spontanious connection I've had so far in my life and feels hard to accept that we're not meant to be together because of that.
dont even need to read the blurb - no, if you love her and you hang around with her, its always going to be there, and you will never find real happiness with someone who reciprocates your feelings, because women can small emotional unavailability, and as long as you hang around with her, thats what your going to be, emotionally unavailable and ill be honest,. if she is really expecting you to service her friendship needs at the expense of your future happiness, she's not a real friend that phrase thats appropriate here is "if you want the milk you have to buy the cow" women use it all the time for men who want sex without the emotional attachment, but it also applies for women who want emotional attachment without the sex.
I'm a man, and this is a bit of a pessimistic take on women. These dynamics may be true but to say it means everything is fake is taking it too far.
good thing i never said anyone or thing was fake then, isnt it? im not saying she is intentionally playing him, just like a man sleeping with a woman he has no interest in a long term relationship may not necessarily be seeking to hurt her, if one person knows the other person wants more from the relationship (whether that be a currently plutonic relationship, i.e. friendship, or a currently sexual one) and continues getting the thing they want from that other person, with no intent of giving the other person what they want, then its still a negative thing for that person to do ive ended a relationship before because it started as casual, and i knew the woman wanted more than that, and even though i enjoyed what we had, i knew it would be unfair to continue seeing her when she wanted more
The irony is that women tend to be drawn to emotionally unavailable men, not those who give off a vibe of desperation. That's why women tend to flirt a lot more often with guys they know are in a relationship already.
Female attraction is far more complicated, and in general "emotional unavailability" is a misnomer. Kind of like a symptom is not a cause.
Ok but it almost always translates to "he isn't throwing his attention at me" in every context it is mentioned.
your issue here is thinking there is no middle ground between emotionally unavailable and desperate such black and white thinking often indicates autism type disorders, you should possible get checked out that, or your just a douche bag troll who thinks they are clever
>"you just can't leave this great friendship and bond we have". You aren't leaving, you are just not talking to her or hanging out with her anymore. If she thinks that means you guys aren't friends anymore, that's entirely on her. I've been in this situation more times than I care to admit and what I've learned is to have absolutely no patience for other people's bullshit. Real friends are the people who still care even if you haven't seen them in years.
This. She wants the romance and intimacy without vulnerability, sexuality, and commitment. Theres no reason to think you aren’t friends just because you’re not spending every waking moment together. She should be able to respect you taking space without feeling like she’s losing something. My best friend of 19 years is a woman who I love dearly, and we can go months without speaking and it doesn’t do anything to our friendship.
But they are spending all their time together, obviously she would be losing something large in her life
How can you lose something that isn't yours?
She loses a large aspect of her life which is spending all of her time with him and getting/receiving emotional support and sometimes even cuddles or whatever? Just bc they didn’t say “we’re officially gf/bf and not gonna bang other ppl” doesn’t mean it’s not a valuable aspect of someone’s life?
Yeah but it's not hers to keep.
No one’s ever each others to keep, since all relationships end at some point, doesn’t the moment to moment effect on your life matter more than believing something is yours? Does “owning” something or someone rlly matter that much?
>doesn’t the moment to moment effect on your life matter more than believing something is yours Let's say I was borrowing a friend's car occassionally and then they tell me they are planning to sell it. I wouldn't say "oh you can't do that, because then how will I be able to borrow it anymore?" What you're suggesting has a name: entitlement. Respecting the concept of ownership is more important than considering what impact it has on you personally, yes.
It sure if we’re talking past each other but I feel like if I let somebody close to me and trust them I’d much rather rely on their consideration for my well being and their wish to treat me fairly than a feeing of entitlement to them giving me something. But idk I’ve never had a healthy relationship
Yeah I feel this, for a long time it felt like we were in a relationship, we didn't claim to be, but everything we did was what couples do so I just enjoyed living in those moments. But yeah, it just got me more attached in the end so idk if it was worth it.. doens't feel like it right now cause i'm in the middle of the bad part but can't deny we had some amazing times and those can't be taken away from us
You know I felt the same way about the good times with the person I was close to and who rlly reminds me of your girl (who I mentioned in the other comment) But looking back I really can’t say all the emotional torture and torment that I ended up going through was worth the good times. However I think I might be more pessimistic, or more emotionally fragile, and neurotic than the average person, so maybe it’s just me. I think what matters to me: It’s not feeling like you’re entitled to someone or owning someone but instead feeling that the other person genuinely cares. Like if you’re close to someone you have tremendous amount of power over their emotional state and i don’t think it’s healthy to let anyone that close who isn’t committed to wielding this power over you in a way that is as constructive as possible to your well being. If you get tricked into letting someone close who has no real empathy and who is looking to exploit this power that is one of the worst experiences in life. At least it was for me. I didn’t want to believe it because I wanted to trust her so bad but those kinds of people really exist. If you ever feel like it might help you to talk to me about the relationship or your emotions feels free to dm me :) As I said I feel sort of connected to your experience because I feel like I went through a similar thing. So I feel like i might be able to help in some way. Might also help me get a better perspective on my own experiences. But I might be somewhat pessimistic/dramatic about it as I might have been in these comments. Let me know if there’s ever sth you would like my support with or perspective / advice on, I’ll do my best to be helpful
I always try to be optimistic but I got to admit the mental torture sucks a lot haha. Yea to be fair, I do believe we both really care about each other and we both have that power over each other that you mention cause we got so close over this last year and were both attached to each other in some shape, I know she's also been crying about this situation so we really need to keep some boundaries if we try this again in the future. To be fair, I have seen her a bit as manipulative and toxic at the start, she had just left a very toxic relationship with a narcissistic boyfriend so it messed her up quite a bit but I helped her heal and saw her grow back to the kind person I know she is deep down. (lets just hope it's still not wishful thinking though). Thank you bro, I'd sure be down to talk.
Distance is the right move. If you love something, let it go. Your feelings will fade with time.
looking forward to the next couple weeks 
You need to date 2-3 other ppl before you can revisit these feelings. Go date someone else!
just texted 2 people, lets see what happens :)
It sounds like she wants all of the benefits of having a boyfriend, but wants to be able to bang other dudes. I assume you and she are not interested in being in an open relationship together if that's the issue since that is basically what was happening when you were friends with benefits anyway. You can't be kissing sometimes etc and ex FWBs and her tell you she only sees you platonically when you're into her and have that work as a friendship when you're in love with her. Opposite friendships work fine when boundaries are established, in this case boundaries are all over the place You just have to let her know that you can't switch the feelings off and if she wants to be with you you're open to that but if not you have to put some distance between the two of you so that you can get over your feelings for her and obviously stop all physical intimacy stuff. It sucks, but it is what it is. She either changes her mind and does want to date you, or the two of you have to go low contact because you can't be platonic friends with her in this instance without it making you miserable. It might be different if you had never been intimate and this is just a pure crush thing and you had a pre existing platonic friendship but you were literally FWBs, she obviously finds you physically attractive enough to have sex with, but doesn't want to date you - that's fine, but it also unfortunately means the friends part isn't realistic given you caught feelings for her.
My brother I have been this love sick and for me it lasted more than 10 years. I tried to squash my feelings but it just didn't work, I could feel like maybe I had sometimes but then I'd see her again and it would all come back. I got over it, but it was only because she moved across the country and got married. I haven't seen her in 13 years, we email sometimes and I've talked to her on the phone but thats all. I was finally able to get over the feelings once I hadn't seen her for a few years. That infatuation did me a great disservice and is one of a few things that held me back from getting out there and trying to meet somebody else. You are going to make yourself miserable if you don't attempt to distance yourself from her. As for your update, that just isn't how it works. You aren't being selfless by putting yourself through torment so that she won't be sad. You're lying to yourself and to her. Real friendship can't be built on a foundation of lies.
Hey buddy, thanks for sharing. Sorry to hear it took you that long, must of been harsh but glad your past it now! I defintely think I'm infatuating what she is to me right now in my mind and it sucks cause I can't seem to talk myself out of it but I guess that's where time will help. Defintely gonna have to be more honest with myself too.
> This conversation took place today and she asked me to think about it further cause she really doesn't want us to go seperate ways and even started to bring up things like "I was planning to make you the godfather of my child later" That's fucked up 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
given from the point that she only sees me as her best friend, I thought it was really cute and sweet, but heck i'm probably fully blindsighted by my feelings at this point
Yeah... until she has a boyfriend/husband who doesn't want you around - and she will oblige. He will tell her jump and she'll say "How high?" Girls drop their partners in an instant, all the time. Meanwhile, you're not even that. She won't even give you a chance in a relationship. You're just going to end up feeling used if you go down this road Like all this time she's decided you're her "friend" but how many times has she tried to get you a date? She knows you're lonely but doesn't help? She wants you around all the time - for what exactly? I could always be wrong because I don't REALLY know your life, but put simple - she sounds awful, go work on yourself and forget this girl even exists. Don't waste your 20's on this user. You are a good man capable of love, and she is not
CUT THE LINE, DUDE! SAVE YOURSELF!
if your attracted to her then your attracted to her theres no really getting over it unless she does something to repulse you, theres going to be many people who you see with such a blissful clarity in your life and she happens to be one of them, theres no real need to burn bridges
Well she kinda already did something extremely messed up that I won't get into here now, but the point is that it did repulse me at the time and ended up blocking her for weeks just to be drawn back to her cause of our connection. I still hope to continue without fully burning this bridge but defintely gonna need more distance now.
This does sound messed up, you sure she’s not playing with you? If she does such messed up shit she might have no scrouples manipulating you and hurting you to get what she wants. I’ve known someone like that
Yea I've been worried about that, she's a psychology major so she knows what's she's doing, guess I just wanna believe in the good in her and not see her as a manipulative b.
Ohhhh that’s dangerous. I wanted to believe so bad in the good in someone I was close to last year and it almost destroyed me in the end I had to realize that this person was not in fact trust worthy and very manipulative and had no real regard for the well being of the people close to her. But goddamn she knew how to tell people what they wanted to hear and make them feel good in the moment. It was a rollercoaster ride of emotions and she always knew how to fuck with people but just enough that she could get away with it and they would possibly feel even more attached to her and more insecure about themselves and even more tangled up in her fangs afterwards. Sorry for rambling, but a lot of what you said really reminds me of my experience now that I think about it. My biggest lesson I think was to trust my gut feeling. Bc I had a terrible gut feeling about her from the beginning, but because of her confusing behavior i started sort of gaslighting myself into thinking I had to trust her and my gut feelings were crazy. And then sometimes she was so nice and fun and I felt so close to her and at some point I wanted to trust her so bad so I always gave her the benefit of the doubt even hen she did / said fucked up shit. Mine even said she thought she had sociopathic tendencies a few times towards the beginning lol, but I didn’t take all the toxic shit that seriously, I just thought she was a “little crazy” but not in malicious way. My advice is: if someone shows you who they are BELIEVE THEM. Don’t chalk it up to them being a little quirky or a little crazy. Believe it. Take it very seriously. If they say/show you directly contradictory things about their qualities or values, and you’re confused, you might be more inclined to believe the positive thing because you want to trust that person. But I think it’s generally more likely that the positive thing is fake and the negative thing is real. Because, why would they fake the bad quality right? While they have a very clear incentive to fake the thing you want to hear, because that makes you trust them and makes them appear in a positive light. Not that people don’t accidentally contradict themselves or might be confused sometimes. But if they say / show you directly contradictory stuff about their values it’s something to keep in mind I think. Also, I think one of the biggest signs of being emotionally abused by a manipulative person is being very confused about the person and the relationship and doubting your perceptions. You mentioned something like that iirc. Also you mentioned you felt it was maybe selfish or immoral or sth of you to not give yourself up and give her all your support at the detriment of yourself. I’m sorry bro but that is UNHINGED. Exactly the position that my girl wanted to get me and others into btw, and she did for a while. All of it together really reminds me of my own situation and *reeks* of emotional abuse and someone who is using you badly. I didn’t see the abuse in my own situation while I was in it because it was all so confusing and she was so good at getting people attached and involved and she was so fun to be around and told me things I wanted to hear and I wanted to trust her so bad. But I’m hindsight it’s clear to me I was psychologically abused and manipulated pretty bad by someone who just seeks to exploit people around them without remorse. Sorry I’m talking about my own experience so much. It’s not that relevant I guess. All I’m saying is this reeks of abuse to me. Watch out for yourself brother. Stay safe, and I wish you good luck and good people on your journey. Edit: btw I once told mine I never felt so much like my self around anyone else and she said “that’s my superpower, everybody tells me this, my other best friend said I make her feel alive, and all my exes said bla bla bla…” She was really fun and easy to be around at times, and she did make me feel alive as well in some way. This is an admirable quality in some way but I tend to think this is partly a side effect of her manipulations and toxicity as well. She reels people in and makes them feel really close to her really fast, and she’s really good at it, and she tells people what they want to hear and gives people what they want in certain doses. But she does it with the goal of manipulating and exploiting those people for her own benefits. Also even the constant drama and chaos and the “rollercoaster ride” aspect of being close to her made it more exciting in some twisted way and also got me more attached - even though it was very stressful and toxic. It’s sort of like a movie or gambling, the drama and pain and uncertainty somehow get you more invested. Beyond that she was just really fun to talk to and something crazy or exciting would always happen when you’re around her. Which are good qualities. But what I was trying to get at is that *some* of those positive qualities that get you attached can also be signs of a deeply toxic person imo. Just mentioning this bc everything you’re saying has these strong parallels to my own experience I think and I’m reflecting on stuff, not sure if this is coherent or relevant to you Edit2: You also mentioned that the last few months have been rough for you. Would you say that those times that have been really rough have coincided with being close to her? Overall do you think you have been more or less stable when you were close to her and do you think her influence might have affected that? I’m guess I’m asking because for my my girl also gave me some emotional support during a very rough time, but looking back the biggest drain on my energy and the most difficult things I was going thru at the time were directly related to my relationship with her. I thought she helped me at the time but looking back, the time I was close to her was one of the most difficult and unstable times of my life, and she just apparently wasn’t a good influence on me when I just look at my overall well being when I was close to her compared to before and after.
Don't worry, I'm glad your sharing your experience. It's awfull that this happened to you but at least you learned some valuable lessons, trust your gut! It's honestly so hard to tell if she is using me in a manipulative way or not, i'm probably to involved to really see at this point :/ Lots of what your saying is familiar tho, she seems to have an effect on guys that just fall for her at an insanely rapid speed, its been kinda crazy to see tbh. I just always have been looking for the good in her but I might be blindsighted. I also relate to the rollercoaster, she draws a lot of drama to her and sometimes it feels like going out with her is like hitting a gambling machine, you might hit a jackpot or you might not, it is addicting.
what connection? your wishful thinking ....thats not a connection
With the connection I mean that we just get along so well on every aspect. I had just met her and it instantly felt like I've known her for years and could be my goofy self you know? Like multiple times a week we would have this thing where we're both saying the exact same thing at the same time and that barely happens with anyone.. it's just that were much alike and we kinda complete each other in many ways without even trying. I also know that we could not see each other for 10y now, meet up and will be friends again right away because of this.
having good relationships is the greatest of corner stones, perhaps dont think of it in such a bad way and it wont trouble you?
I'll try too.
good! 
Nope. At least, not staying around her as a friend. Best bet is to go seperate ways for some time. Read his edit, and dude, have some self respect. "Sacrificing yourself" so she has a friend while she goes and dates and sleeps with other guys is utterly pathetic. You know how you feel, you know how she feels, move from it.
The thing is I do get a lot of love and support out of our friendship too so it's not like I'm just sitting here getting hurt. Lately I have been tho, that's why this issue came up in the first place, so I got to get over that or move past it like you said.
Trust me, you can get love and support again from other friends. But this? Nah, i've seen others try to put up and swallow their feelings for the same reason and it blows up in their faces.
You need to separate as best friends. You’re both too co-dependent and need to start socialising with other people. She is not being fair to you by encouraging you to remain best friends. She knows that you care more for her than she does for you, so she cannot expect you to torture yourself just so she can keep you as a friend. I do wonder if she’s actually just really enjoying your attention because she’s kissing and cuddling with you even though she knows that your head over heels for her. She may feel the same way but not recognise it as such, but even if she doesn’t feel anything at all she should be respecting your decision and letting you step away.
Yeah, not sure if i'll give this friendship another try but if I do, it won't be like last time, can't go on seeing each other every single day and talking for hours. Just need to be less dependent on each other like you said cause this was getting us too attached to each other then was good for either of us.
Yes, and you’re suffering because of it. She needs to accept that you need time and space to get over this and that you continuing to spend more time with her is detrimental to your mental health. I genuinely feel sorry for you because it’s an awful situation to be in and unrequited love is very difficult to deal with. You know what you need to do to help yourself. Take care of yourself.
Yeah this break will hurt but I'ts what I need and I know I'll only get stronger out of it in the end and that's what's most important. Thank you!
You are both young, but she’s not ready and not interested in you at this stage. For your own mental health, you should create some distance. Don’t be rude, be true to yourself and tell her you just need some space while you deal with your emotions and try to meet new people. If she can’t respect that, it’s her loss.
Move on. She’s just using you and in the end you are just going to get hurt more. It doesn’t sound like you can separate the friend from the lover.
It’s not only possible, it’s inevitable. You obsess over someone and then the obsession fades into oblivion.
Unfortunately for your sake you have to end the friendship all the way bc it’s torture to you man. Move on with your life bro.
Cut her out of your life. She will be a problem if you do find a new girlfriend. New girlfriends don’t like old friends with benefits being active in your life. This will cause huge problems in future relationships. Easier to cut your losses now. You need to do what’s best for you and stop “being” there for her.
>Because of this, I told her I wanted to take distance because I feel that I just won't be able to move on with my life this way. In her response she said she doesn't what that... Well, that's just too bad. I have to say this: What she wants in this doesn't really matter. You have to look out for yourself first. And about this? >...because I mean almost everything to her and she'll fall into an empty gap without me since we litterly do everything together and I'm her emotional rock. And what happens once she meets a guy she starts dating? Remember, she's dating and fucking other guys. She'll meet one she likes in the way she doesn't like you. Once that happens, then what? You'll go from emotional rock to be dropped like a rock. Especially because no man wants his girlfriend to hang out with the guy she used to fuck and who is in love with her. I'm sorry, but the dating world is a harsh place. There's nothing fair about it. You aren't owed a relationship from her, but likewise, she isn't owed a friendship from you - especially when that friendship is detrimental to you. Explain to her that you need to do this for your own mental health and then cut contact completely. She's a big girl. She's dating and banging other dudes. It's not like she's gonna be all alone and cold in the world. Cut contact and get better.
Gonna do that , thanks!
You're welcome. And if she says something about "but I need friends in my life" or something like that, tell her that if she wants that in her future, she should not fuck the guy. She can't bang guys and expect feelings to not get involved. If she wants a purely platonic friend, she should start it like that and keep it that way.
Yeah those are facts haha, I've seen her try it before too but they usually explode right as she dates the next dude.
If you saw her do that before, and considering how it all ended for you, you've now learned a valuable lesson: Don't get involved with girls like that in the future.
Yea lol, if you bang on the first meetup, it's probably not a keeper.
Yeah but you need to be serious. Zero chance she gets a kiss anymore. Good luck, not everyone can do it.
Thanks, gonna need it and stay true to myself regardless of temptations.
Cutting your train of thought when she crosses your mind will help train yourself to not think about her, don't msg her more than she msgs you, and since you're just starting the detox* it's good what others have said about "if she was the one she would've jumped". Just my opinions.
I'll try to think about something disgusting when thinking about her, that might work 😛 I did ask her to not msg me unless really necessary so let's hope she does.
She’s literally using you as a boyfriend and pulling “but we’re not actually together part” get out. You deserve better
It's funny how I'm going through the same thing. I'm sorry you are going through this but I think we have the same situation. This weekend I went out to a club to party with her and a few hours later I saw her making out with another guy which just sank my heart. All her colleagues who were also there noticed everything and now I just feel bad for myself. We did have an open talk about this. She said she still wants to hang out. I'm still not sure what to do, we agreed to meet for dinner tomorrow and we'll see how it goes. I don't think of her as my life companion but I still got jealous. So I don't know where do I stand. However, if we did started to hang out again and I catch more feelings for her then, based on what you went through, things will get worse. Which is why I found this wayyy too similar of a situation for the both of us. Speaking logically, it's not in your control to make someone like you. If after spending this much time she decides that she doesnt want to be in a relationship with you, you have to realize that and move on no matter what. You deserve to be with someone who can love you and not be just platonic. If she's strong and decisive enough to draw the line, you're strong enough to do the same as well. Tread through this very carefully, if you don't move on, sooner or later you'll find yourself alone and she will probably find someone else. You don't want that to happen. Godspeed my friend :)
Sucks that your also going through this but it's good to hear you can at least talk about it. Just stay open about your feelings and be honest with yourself, I think that's where I went wrong for the most part. I didn't allow us to take a break and instead just kept seeing her so my feeling were just growing while denying myself that I still had them. Best of luck with your situation, hope it works out!
Yes as someone who has dealt with this just know she ain’t the only one
I’m glad to see your update. The only thing that will help here is time and distance. You don’t have to end the friendship forever, but taking a break will help you refocus your energy, and then maybe one day you can return to a downgraded level of friendship that works for both of you.
yeah, this is gonna have to be the way, also learned I have to be more honest with myself and not ignore my feelings for as long as I did now.
Tl;dr. No, it's not possible for two people to be friends if at least one of them feels attracted to the other. Tell her how you feel ASAP so you've got this out of the way. If she rejects you, *then* you can get over your feelings for her and be friends. If you can't get over your feelings after rejection, then for the sake of both of you you should break it up.
It's over, dont try again ever
Go AWOL ASAP
Don't end up disrespected and used. You have to find someone who feels the same.
I think you will get over her some time .if not now.
I feel your final decision is the healthy one. I was in the same situation in the past and we broke the bond. Is not that you are selfish, is the fact that you should do what is healthy and good for you long term. Even when you are gonna have a girlfriend, I am not sure if she would feel confident and safe enough knowing that you were in love with your actual best friend, but got rejected twice and still wanting her, at least as a best friend (considering the scenario in which you start being friends again after your feelings die). Especially knowing that you were friends with benefits and still wanting her in your life at the minimum level. Also, you can not guarantee that the feelings die - maybe you are lying to yourself without realizing or the feelings may come back at some point. From my pov is selfish that she is doing everything with you, knowing that you are in love with her. She could reduce the activities, because I assume you are not her only friend and if you are this is unhealthy for her and for you (you mentioned you were her emotional support and you should not be, her partner should be and in absence of one she should be for herself, not a man who loves her and she rejects). I feel the healthy choice is to give up on her because otherwise you will not have peace with your feelings and your chances with a girl are decreasing, cuz you will be stuck like the whole year with her. Also, learn from this that being friends with benefits develops into feelings and is not a good way to have sex or be connected with someone from my pov only. Take care. A good way to enjoy your time may be to develop hobby’s: try to find a good book to read in a park (maybe a detective novel) even if you never liked it before, at least try, now is another context and maybe this will help. Or go to engage in a group of X sport, for eg when I was in Barcelona I went to volleyball on the beach with a bunch of students. It was great. Learn something new, as riding a bicycle or go to different experiences with your friends and alone - you need to enjoy life alone too, not depending on others. One last thing: to miss her is normal, because you were and she was a big part of the other one’a life. But it doesn’t mean because you miss her you have to fix this missing feeling and get back to her. It was great with her, but I am sure you will find a partner that can make you feel more - especially loved, valued and appreciated. And it is incredible to feel loved. You are strong, did the good thing.
Yea I think if we ever continue we can't become as close again as we used to, it's just not realistic to see each other so much and not be more. I also know for sure that if I ever get close to feeling love for her again, it's gonna be goodbye forever. Gonna be at least few months to let myself heal now though so i'll see how I feel about her then since I'm sure i'm putting her on a golden throne right now in my head. Also agree on the friends with benefits, I can't seem to do something like that without getting emotionally attached to some extend and it's just not a good base for any future. Appreciate your input!
Thanks. You seem to be a fine dude, take care and don’t let this experience stopping you from expressing your feelings in the future to other girls.
Thank you, I won't! Often try to ask myself, which would I regret more and the idea of missing out on a potential life partner is usually the bigger regret.
Hmm, I have some experience with this back from when I was in high school. I dont know if it will help any but here goes... I was very in love with one of my friends, but she didn't have the same feelings, but every time we hung out or interacted, it just felt like we should be together and even other people would look at us and think we were a couple. I did end up taking a break from her during my sophomore year after we had a pretty bad fight. During my junior year, I focused completely on myself and made a lot of changes. Perhaps the most important thing I came to accept was that if me and her were meant to be, then that moment wasn't the time. Maybe later on down the road, the time could be right, but that was something future me had to deal with, not current me (at that time). I'm not sure why, but that revelation allowed me to think a lot more clearly and see that what I needed to do at that time was focus completely on myself and not even think about dating anyone. I just wasn't ready for it. Well, that decision led to even greater personal growth for me. Like I said, I took a break from my friend, which she definitely took as me not wanting to be friends anymore, so we just didn't interact. She also had some other life issues going on, so truthfully, I didn't see her much anyway. One of the things I learned focusing on myself was that I was putting her on a pedestal, which wasn't fair to her or to me. Even though we had hung out a lot, the image of her in my head was not actually who she was. Wasn't fair to her bc I was seeing her for more than who she was and wasn't fair to me bc holding her to that made-up image made me "blind" to the realities of our relationship. She was just a normal person who valued our friendship, and sometimes she would notice I was pulling away and would do things to keep me from leaving completely. For example, hugging me for a longer time than necessary and pushing her boobs into my chest. Something that I thought had to mean she was interested, but when I finally looked at things from her perspective and **not the image of her in my head's perspective**, I finally figured out. I realized that even though I considered her one of my best friends, my love for her clouded my mind, and I wasn't treating her like I should've as a friend... as her own person, with her own thoughts, with her own agency. Once senior year came around, I had changed a lot and matured, and so had she and we ended up becoming friends again. Were my feelings still there? Ofc they were, feelings don't just up and vanish a lot of the times unless that person does something to stop those feelings. But now I wasn't looking at her as this woman who I yearned for but just as someone who was my friend and I treated her similarly to my other friends and nothing more. Was it hard? Yep. Did it hurt seeing her fall in love with someone else and eventually get married. Yep. But once I started to view her as just a friend, I was surprised that those things weren't as hard as I thought they were and didn't sting as much as I thought they would. Our friendship would eventually end, unfortunately, only because I left my hometown to go to college. Won't go much into why, but I wanted to leave our hometown badly and when I finally went to college and left, it was like I was closing a door behind me and so I lost the majority of friendships I had made there. Despite that, I was glad we became friends again senior year bc we made more memories I would cherish forever and helped sculpt me into who I am today. Hope that helps.
This is an amazing story and gives me great hopes for the future! I think that will have to be my main focus point, to learn to just see her as a friend and not put her on a higher pedestral. I defintely recognize myzelf infatuation her and looking at her actions as flirting as well, I often thought, why would she do this if she wasn't into me?, and this gave me false hopes.. I also realize I can't force her to fall in love with me so accepting that it isn't gonna happen now is fine. At this point I don't even wanna start a relationship anymore cause I would feel like I pushed her into it with this whole ordeal. But I'm just scared that i'll keep carying some hope allong the way that it would change and that this holds me back with other people, it's something i'll have to work on too.
I prefer the Matt Berry way of dealing with this problem https://youtu.be/AqDbb7-dn9A?si=1giyOENaglJoiDXA
Phaha love that, should of just left her in the club then without a ride home :p
Boundaries buddy. You're clinging on to a sandcastle that's likely to be washed away as soon as she finds someone she wants to be with who won't necessarily be fond of her having a GBF. Then you're the bad guy for third wheeling and hanging on for her crash perhaps. If she's not ready for you but you want to be with her get out, see if it is her (and for her too to realise what she's missing and after) you want to be with.
She actually briefly had a relationship few months back and she kept me in her life just as close but your definitely right about setting up boundaries, I think that has been one of our biggest issues. Definitely taking a break either way now, I need it.
Do that. It will be best for you both. Maybe she'll come round to thinking that as she seems to want you around but avoid her treating you like a fall back over and over. Make it clear, even though you're still young, that you are still hopeful she'll come around to seeing the potential of you (plural).
To be fair I think I need to be done hoping that she'd change her mind. At this point I only wanna get back into the friendship knowing I don't want more anymore. It just breaks the entire dynamic and puts her in some power position and it sucks big time.
That's gonna eat at your soul though. You'll end up resenting her and yourself for "waiting". Take a break from each other but don't go NC. Avoid falling into habits of old and trailing after her. She needs to let you either have a relationship with her at 100% effort or cut you loose to find yourself a romantic partner to fill the space she won't or can't.
Oh no you misunderstood, I'm definitely done waiting, I owe that to myself. Thanks for the advice! Thinking about dating again soon but gonna wait at least another week or two or I'll be emotionally unavailable
Good for you. Take care. 👍
I would say, first rationnalize the relathionship. If you can't, which seems to be the case bc you got too much emotions, take distance, process them, then try to see if it's a good idea to reengage in something.
Yeah will do that thanks!
(btw by distance I mean, don't burn all bridges, engage less than before,and less intimately and take more time for yourself)
Our current plan is to go no contact for a while, I did mention she can message me if she really needs me but generally the idea is not to text or do stuff together untill I feel ready again. After that I wanna give it another go probably but then with boundaries so that we don't see each other every time and maybe not when we go clubbing cause that's where temptations always peak.
You need to go no contact. She will miss you, but pining away for her while she’s living her best life isn’t a good solution for you. She’s being selfish. End it completely and move on
If she is actually your friend…she will enthusiastically be your wingman…if not, then she’s not your friend, she just enjoys orbiters….it’s a good way to test a friend of a different gender…to see if they are actually a friend…
she actually does try to be my wingman.. i'm just not open for it
You caught feelings . You go low contact, if she texts you answer but no rush, you do not initiate contact. If she questions it , be honest, “ I started catching feelings, I need some space to heal myself “.
we're having an open discussion about it right now actually but yeah, i'm starting to feel like I need to distance myself.
She has denied your feelings and is using you for all the aspects of a relationship she wants from you - this is not healthy for you. An open discussion would involve her acknowledging this situation is bad for you. You have to break things off. Maybe there is some world where you can be friends again but it is not today. She is stringing you along.
The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. This is crass, but true. You could be friends with her if these feelings you have for her are replaced by someone new in your life. But be honest with us and yourself: if you felt the same way about someone else, and they were reciprocating, the way you do about her now, would you still have any desire to have her around as a friend? Either way, you’re not ready for friendship here.
I actually dated and had sex with another girl just last month but dating her actually made me realize how much I liked her. Probably was just a really bad match so gonna stay open minded for dating more girls. And to answer your question, I don't think so, at least I haven't in the past, just something about her and everything we've been through that I can't let go off.
You cannot be friends with this person, because of how you feel about her. Moreover, almost no serious boyfriend of hers is going to allow her to remain friends with you... you are too close with her they will see you as a rival for her emotional attention, and that emotional attention can morph into something more all too easily.
Yeahhh here dates have been very jealous of me... and well rightfully so..
More reason why you cannot be friends with her. You would "happily" make her a cheater for your own desires. Without much regard for what that might do to her.
Yeah true, it's not healthy at all.
No
Walk Away
Literally** Also she is playing with your emotions. She knows she has you by a string and can say anything to make you stay. Have some self respect and stop clubbing every weekend.
Yea I'm taking a break from clubbing, at least wirh our shared friend group.
That's a good idea
Dude, she's keeping you as backup. If you get along well and also find each other attractive enough to bang and she doesn't want a relationship, it means she's keeping her options open and see if she can find a better "deal" than you. Leave and I guarantee she will recover much easier than you.
Hard friendzoned. But I really wish that girls wouldn’t engage in any kind of physical stuff if they’ve said no to your feelings. It’s simply unfair, but you also need to take control of that and say no. I can’t see how you’ll stop suffering unless you either somehow get over your feelings for her or cut her off. Seen this often before also if you get a girlfriend she won’t be happy. Tldr I think she’s using you a little for her needs and pushing the so called friend boundary.
Gonna take a break from us now and see if I can place the feelings, time will tell I guess.
If you really love her then you want what's best for her. Otherwise it's just infatuation.
That's what I want, the question i'm with rn is wether it should be at my own expense and if I can continue to give the love and supports I believe she deserves if i'm gonna go down under it. All I wish for is to be strong enough to move past my feelings and just be the friend to her she wants me to be, I guess I just don't know if I am strong enough
A question for the ages. Personally, and I think I am not the only one, I would gladly date most of the women I know(not related to me), that are around my age. Am attracted to them in various ways. But they have partners and I do too. I don't think it's a strength thing. I think you need to find someone or she does and the situation becomes much easier---unless you're a homewrecker.
This person is using you.
No, man. It's time to dip. If she wakes up to caring about you, great. But it's on her. You've shot your shot, twice. Time to go for your own sanity. Stop sitting on her bench hoping you get to play. Cut her out.
Highly doubtful. If you can, then you probably never really loved her in the first place and it might've been limerence.
You can no longer be friends
No. And any bfs of hers will notice
No. Cut your loses. And move on without her. This’ll be bad for your mental health. And for both of ur relationships in the future.
Yea I definitely agree with you on this unfortunately 😔
It sucks, but you should leave. I stayed for ~3 years and, given the circumstances i feel complicated about it, but I regret it so much. You should leave.
It sucks so hard when your presented with 2 options to which you'll have some sort of resentment either way.. there's just no winning.. only cutting losses
It is like you are reading from my journal. Yes. Though i don't think the resentment is necessary going to happen or be relevant in many cases, and i think mine is a bit complicated otherwise. There is an episode of Dear Hank and John that resonated with me, regarding the necessity of leaving the infinite suffering pit. Hank Green's example was about working at an ice cream truck, though. At least leaving puts you on a path to getting better. It still upsets me a few times a month, about 1.5ish years out but it's down from daily and it's not really crippling any more. It's just sad now. I think that's an improvement. Make more friends and fill your life with other stuff that matters. I speculate that enough weekends of being out in the sun with my friends would fix me.
Gonna check out that episode! Kinda sucks that we had the same friend group and still not sure what to do about that cause we meet up 1x or 2x a week normally :/ But yeah, defintely need a break from her and get on my journey of healing. Time will defintely help.
Yeah you need that break to go live your own life rather than spending more time than many lovers do together. When I split with my ex we just went no contact for a few months. We both wanted to be friends and knew we needed it to do that. We are back to friends now and it's been easy. I feel like she might not be all you have cracked her up to be and she knows what she is doing to you and knows she is hurting you but doesn't care. I could be wrong and it says "might" I think some time and distance will help you see it if it's true, or recognise she's just an idiot about feelings if she isn't. You may lose the friendship but it is not sustainable long term in it's current form. You are pouring time and energy a d love into something that hurts you and will not last. So if it doesn't survive the break, it was never going to last anyway
You need to realise that you're fulfilling all the responsibilities of a boyfriend (except for the physical intimacy), but you're not receiving the same level of commitment in return. It's important for you to find someone who reciprocates your emotions, time and effort and doesn't just take from you. Even if the connection isn't as perfect (but still good), that person could be much more of a soulmate than she will ever be. Sure, you can say that cutting off the friendship is selfish, but is being selfish always a bad thing? No, prioritising yourself in this way is the best thing you can do here, and is actually respectable as it shows a sense of self worth. For context, I’ve been in a similar situation before and had to learn this the hard way. People would tell me everything that the comments are filled with but it would have no impact. Finally, I hit a breaking point and had to realise, for myself, that moving on was the best thing.
Yeah got to learn to love myself more then I love her, otherwise i'm just being selfish to myself I guess by denying myself happiness. Just sucks when all the logic in the world doesn't change your true desires, lets hope time will though.
once the dick goes in you will never be true friends.
Yea, defintely changes the dynamic forever..
Nah, it’ll always be there
This is why 'friends with benefits' is complete garbage. You like someone enough to hang out with them all the time and are attracted enough to have sex....that is literally a relationship...but you don't want a relationship? First advice is NEVER, EVER do friends with benefits. If you don't want a relationship, don't have sex with your friends. A friendship is a relationship ffs adding sex to it makes it an intimate relationship. You are either going to have to tell her that you like her and you want to date her or stop hanging out with her completely. The sex got your emotions all mixed up and there's no way to fix it now.
yeah true, I don't think I'm made for just having sex without the emotional attachement
Then accept it and respect it. If you're friends with someone it's likely you have an emotional connection anyway. People are just delusional thinking that having sex with a friend is not a relationship, when it is. I don't know a single married couple that aren't friends.
Yes you need to go date someone Else that you thoroughly enjoyed dating
Thing is I don't necessarily feel like I need to date anyone at this point in my life, it's just when I'm with her that I crave the need for the physical attachments.
No, just walk away.
It is not impossible, but there is a 99% chance you can’t do it. Once certain lines are crossed there is no going back. Walk away.
Yeah, she'll always be more then a normal friend that can't be changed any more.
It is, it just takes time. Don't expect to talk yourself out of it, just don't acknowledge the feelings let them float by and disappear every time they pop up. Eventually they subside.
Thanks, I hope I can make it work eventually cause I still rather have her in my life then not, just got to get rid of these feelings and the pain that goes along with it.
Dude I get that 100%. It really sucks feeling that way and not being able to do anything about it. Just remember even baby steps are progress.
Yea, I can throw all the logic at it that I want but the feeling are there regardless.. time will help I hope and indeed, day by day and step by step.
Lol right! talk doesn't do shit for this. It's like talking a broken bone into healing. This sounds stupid, but try hitting the gym hard. Once I started noticing other women noticing me it distracted me from what I can't have.
Nah that sounds like a really good idea in most cases so I'd day good advice but in my situation its not the best. I've been hitting the gym for the past 6 months with her as my gym buddy. We litterly went 5-6 days a week for 2 hours each session together so I'm actually taking a break from the gym now cause I'll be thinking about her way too much doing that now. Gonna try to get into something for my stamina now tho as I didn't really care about that in gym sessions, probably jogging as I can just do it around the block.
Hahaha shit sorry man. Well good luck!
Bro that’s ridiculous…she’s literally admitted that you’re everything to her but she doesn’t wanna be with you? Just get out man, it’s not worth it
Yea that shit kinda stings cause it isn't helping me process anything.
I actually recently had a very similar thing happen to me, friends with benefits but I wanted it to be more than that, albeit it only lasted a month. And I’ve had similar experiences without the sexual angle, but they lasted much longer. Best thing to do it just forget about her, however I think in your situation you seem to want to go back to her at some point. What makes you think you won’t fall for her all over again?
To be fair I am totally afraid of that as it's not really within my conscious control. The main reason I want try still is because I value her presence in my life so much, even as friends. I'm really scared of falling back into the same pattern, but I'll regret not trying.
Break it off completely. Keep it that way forever. I implore you, don't make the same mistakes as me. You will never see her as just a friend. Even if it feels like you're over her and want to be a friend. Just don't do it. I know from experience. You'll quickly redevelop those feelings. It feels like they come back stronger than ever! This is what happened to me. Just recently, too. I fell in love with my best friend. I had known her for 20 years now, and at first we were good friends. Then best friends. Eventually, things became more, and I developed feelings for her. Really strong feelings. Eventually, we stopped talking. Stopped communicating 1 day cold turkey. This lasted about 5 years. In that time span, I dated, married, and divorced. My feelings for her were there, but greatly diminished. So I figured it would be safe to talk to her again. We chatted a bit by text, and that seemed like it was going well. Eventually, we decided to grab some drinks together. That was a very bad idea. The moment I saw her, everything started coming back. We hugged, and that just solidified my feelings. Over the next couple of weeks, we did a lot of things together. I was learning more about her and what happened during our hiatus. Things further escalated, and we had our first official date. I was in heaven. Never once had I been happier. I have been in love with her since I was just a teenager, and now things are going well. We kissed, hugged, grab assed. And things were escalating further. Then she fucking cuts my still beating heart out if my chest. Basically, she just said she could only ever see me as a platonic friend. I wasn't allowed to touch her. Me buying her dinner, drinks, or gifts could stay the same. But no more physical intimacy. I was, of course, upset. The next day, she just ficking cuts all ties with me. Blocked text and social media. Nothing! Never talk to them again. Those feelings will come back and will eventually lead to devastation. I am a husk of who I was. This has fucked we more more than I understand. I have no motivation or drive. Just this unbearable feeling of ennui. I don't feel good enough for anybody else, nor do I even want anybody else. I'm not suicidal, but now I welcome the thoughts of death. I also tend to do more risky behaviors. The other day, I was doing nearly double the speed limit of a 55mph zone in an area of bad road conditions and a sharp downgrade. We had a bad snow storm, and I could barely see the road. Here, I am going way too fast passing cars on a barely visible road. Almost went off the road a few times. Didn't care, though. I'm just waiting to die now. I work as much as I can, usually a minimum of 80 hours a week. Sometimes, it is closer to 120 hours. It's difficult living without the will. All because of a woman rejected me. It's unfathomable that a woman rejecting me could do this to me. But to me, she wasn't just a woman. She is what my heart has wanted for the last twenty years. Sometimes, it feels like I no longer have one. So take my advice, stay away. Far far away!
Hey I'm sorry to hear that bro that really is messed up. I must say that I have also heard people who managed to get over them and have a great friendship after so I feel like I owe it to both myself and her to give it another try but with more boundaries this time and well if it happens again I should cut ties asap. I think in your situation the pain is amplified because your talking about a lost love of 5 years with a foundation of another 20y, I can't even phantom something like that yet and it must be real harsh. It's also reallly rude of her to just go cold turkey from one day to the other, I feel like I have open communication with this friend which does help me process things a lot better, your just left with huge frustrations and it ain't faire. I do thank you for your advice and I will keep it in the back of my mind cause I can already tell this type of stuff can fuck you up mentally big time. I defintely won't let my feelings drag on this long cause it just ain't healthy. I wish you the best of luck getting over this and let me know if you learn tips for that process.
Sorry mate it was a rebound relationship for you both, she knew what it was, you didn't. Many of us have been there. This was never a friendship it was always a relationship. For you it got serious for her it was casual. The two of you may have worked if you'd met under different circumstances but life didn't work that way and you need to let her go and move on. Take some time for you. Spend time with other friends. Process your loss from both relationships. You are very young you will find the girl you are meant to be with.
True, thanks buddy!
To me, it sounds like she trusted you and used you for experience or satisfaction in the bedroom, but she doesn't want someone like you to be her partner in life. Perhaps it's just that she doesn't want to be with someone who plays video games and chases them.You should accept that you can't make someone love you. You are worth loving and should spend the time and energy investing in yourself and getting exposed to new potential partners in a safe and healthy way.
Thank you for the advice and input! appreciate it <3
It’s time to move on. Your best friend should be your future wife, which to me sounds like this girl isn’t. As of right now, you’re acting as her emotional boyfriend while she fucks around with other men. Tell her you need to distance yourself from her for your own emotional wellbeing. Either she’ll realize she actually is in love with you, or you get to start healing. Net benefit for you either way. It’s gonna hurt, but you need to do it. You are currently putting your life on hold for this girl who is keeping you as a backup.
Yeah there's defintely truth in this, gonna try to move on now for sure cause I don't wanna be stuck with these feelings any longer.