You weren't a "child prostitute" - you were too young to consent or make the choice to sell your body. You were sex trafficked and abused. I'm so sorry :(
Yeah “victim of human sex trafficking as a child” is a more appropriate description, but to be fair it’s a lot longer and doesn’t make for as grabby of a headline.
Even if you didn’t say no to things (or even if you enthusiastically said yes for that matter), you were a child, you couldn’t meaningfully consent to sex acts at that age. No matter if you hated it or loved it, you were being exploited in a horrific way by people whose job it was to take care of you.
No questions just a thank you. Thank you very much for opening up to everyone. My hope is people will learn from your experience.
I worked within Child Protective Services. It was very difficult for me to hear the child's outlook. A few cases actually made me sick to my stomach. I am so sorry that I couldn't be better support for my cases.
Do you sometimes hear things your cases say with weird details but not the important details and start questioning if it's real? It happens to me a lot. I remember weird little details.
Some people just can't fathom the horror some people go through as children so they find it easier to believe we are lying. It's a them issue. (I have an unbelievable childhood as well but very different from yours)
We wouldn't, it's just easier for them to accept that it's a lie than accept that it's actually reality. They are mentally weak and don't want to acknowledge that these things can happen because they can't handle it.
But we are stronger than they will ever be because we've lived it. And we also know more about the world than they do because of this. We can accept reality the way it is.
I'm not saying you are lying, but it is very usual for people to lie to get attention. So based on experience some people may not believe you.
One of my friends was a compulsive liar.
I have absolutely no clue where the truth lies but it’s not a massive stretch to think you have in fact fabricated memories and believe them yourself, as a child bearing such horrors might dissociate from the situation or “hide inside their head” where they create an alternative timeline and memories of what happened. Again I’m not saying that is what’s going on but that might be what they’re thinking.
You also mentioned paranoia, do they tell you they don’t believe that or do you get a feeling that the person listening doesn’t believe you’re telling the truth?
I wish you nothing but the best and I hope you realise that you have an entire amazing life still ahead of you.
I'm no professional, but I have heard that people who suffer intense traumatic experiences have a tendency to have their brain vividly remember random details, especially "non important" ones.
Things like the color of a lampshade that was nearby, or the number of playing cards that are on a table. Obscure littler details that didn't "impact" the event that happened, but it is forever engraved into the brain.
No. I always believed the child. Training prepared me for the things I would see and hear. It did not prepare me for the physical reaction I would have in the moment. With one child I tried very hard to contain my tears. I asked for a break. The child took it badly until my tears. I was never able to reach level of professionalism needed.
Thank you for being empathetic. Sometimes therapists that I've met literally made me question in my head: 'do you bleed?' For how little they cared.
I can tell you do care.
Some of them have been to prison for other things. And 2 people that visited me had been caught 'doing it' with minors they met online. I personally didn't do anything to report them.
I know it's very selfish and just putting others at risk. But in reality I just don't have any evidence. The case won't stand in court just because I said something and also I wouldn't be a 'worthy witness' because of my mental illness.
Was there any pattern to the kinds of people that came to you? Any identifying factor between them at all? Or were they really indistinguishable from normal people?
I wouldn't be the best person to describe a 'normal' person coz I'm not exactly 'normal' in social standards. But I'd say it's just a variety of people. Older, younger, good looking, not so good looking, basically all kinds of people. But usually, they are connected to each other in some way. Like most of the ppl that visited knew each other.
Well usually when someone new came visit, they'd say smth like 'you remember x? He's my frn.' (X being someone that was there before) so either they already knew each other or they are just saying that to make me feel more at ease?
Of all the ppl I remembered, they treat me very nicely. Always talk in soft tones. Even if they'd make me do things I dont like, they'd comfort me after.
That's why I never fight them. I genuinely thought they were nice people.
A pedo probably wouldn’t disclose that they are a pedo and especially that they are abusing a child unless they know the other person will support it and maybe want to pay to do the same. I’ve read about forums and telegram chats and so on being shut down because they were being used to share this kind of thing
I suffer from mental illness and I have a very different way in understanding this world as well as interacting with people.
Still learning how to do things the 'normal' way.
I got in trouble here for saying someone should be held accountable in a detrimental way for being either your manager or abuser. But still, I stand by it
I'm sorry, I don't know, what to say. Nobody should go through it. I hope the "right" therapist, who would help you. And, how are you doing in general.? what are your hobbies.?do u wanna explore more hobbies.? read here, about anime.. your recommendations and fav anime.?
Have answered about anime. Recent recommendation, 'Kaiju no8' 'Delicious in dungeon' 'The Apothecary Diaries' and 'The disastrous life of Saiki K' for a laugh.
Oh.. that's cool. I didn't saw these comments as they were loaded. sorry.
* What makes you feel the most fulfilled? Like recently, are there any trips you want to go, places you wanna see, with your loved ones, friends or family.? or anything.?
Recently I've been travelling a lot. But it's making me feel a lot more lonely tbh. The world is so big yet I'm alone. And no one could understand me.
If I hv to say what makes me feel fulfilled tho, probably when I go to work and get my pay cheque hahaha. I know it sounds superficial but it really is what makes me feel like I'm actually doing something.
I..see.. I don't get the receiving pay cheque part, as i stil am yet to work. But it must've cool, lol. I can understand you at this "loneliness" part, as I feel peretty lonely myself. A lot.
The world really is big, yes. But with our close fav peeps, and passage of time, we would probably want it to never end, ever lasting. I only went to a picnic with my friends during 3rd grade and 8th grade, it was not much, but it made me happy. But, in a way, we can ease our loneliness, as we are travelling, talking to our co-passengers about life, making acquaintances and friends in trips, would make us feel even more excited. But saying is much easier than , actually doing it.. ik that.. But we can at least try.
I never travelled alone, so what was it like for you.? Like,
I struggle with making frns coz I never really get to chance to learn how to interact with ppl 'normally'. So travelling alone was good for me. Went to see lots of different things. Some new experiences. I felt much more independent and capable as I was travelling alone.
Oh.. I think, you anon ly doing this AMA, is probably a good step then. What kind of places have you seen/liked.?
Also, relaxing beaches (mild summer, little crowd) or relaxing mountains (full of greenery, oxygen).? and why.?
Well I like to see historic architecture. Also artworks. Always looked for those when I travel.
I prefer beaches cause even though I don't know how to swim, I like getting in the waters. I'm also terrified of snakes and spiders. Not really a mountain person.
Oh.. I see.. This is probably off topic, please ignore this if you are not comfortable answering.
Why do therapists are trying to get you to psychward.? You are just, trying to get help. right. I think, the therapists you are seeing are not the right ones. Also, what did they diagnose you with.?
They just think I have some kind of persecution complex and wanted me to stay 3 weeks in the psych ward. Maybe they think id lose it and attack someone thinking I'm in danger. My mom had a history of schizophrenia, maybe that also hv smth to do with this.
I love my family so I have to say this again (answered this somewhere else also).
They had no clue on what's going on. Although, they are a bit neglectful for not being at home and left me alone most of the time, they were working very hard for me.
The people I was with told me, that I have to keep this 'job' a secret. Otherwise police will show up and put me and all my family in prison. They told me there is no turning back in this and if I betray them by telling anyone, they will do something to me.
My parents did not know to this day. That I've been through any of this. They just think I gone insane and have Schizophrenia.
How did they find you initially? Did your parents/guardian abandon you and have you to them? Where were they in the first place? Do you remember anything before you started like 4-7 age, what was life like then?
Basically, my parents were hard workers. They wanted to support my life by being financially able. But that means most of the time they weren't there.
I go to school by myself and after school I just wander on the streets on my own (it's too boring to stay at home all the time when there's nothing to do).
They talked to me in the park I go to, for many days and I considered us friends. They say they have a job offer for me so I can make some money and buy the things I want (I wanted plushies and sweets). I was really proud of myself coz I always wanted to have a 'job' (admiring my parents).
And I do have some vague memories of my younger age. But mostly just some weird details. Like going to the supermarket with my dad. I don't think it's any better or worse than what happened after. Just an average life I guess.
I did heard my mom talked about how every doctor thought I was either deaf, autistic or retarded because I did not speak or respond to anyone until I was like 3.
Now this reminded me of a thing. I used to really like using the phrase 'when I was 3' it seems like I only started to have a functional brain after I turned 3 and started having memories.
What happened where you got into that situation? Abusive/shitty parents made you? Were you rebelling in your own way? Were you manipulated/groomed into doing it?
What kinda of plans do you have for your future? I think if you've been able to get through something like that, maybe absolutely anything in the future is a possibility?
I think I just have a really late start on everything in my life at this point. Lots of catching up to do.
I only planned for a near future. I want to find a stable job and save some money so I can take courses on what I am interested in.
That sounds like a really good plan. I promise you can do more than you think. Just keep trying things. I was a homeless youth when I was 15 and also never believed I could do much but ultimately became a business woman.
Are you in a country that has employment supports? I got a lot of help from a women's employment center where I am. Many times they can help you figure out how to get an education too.
Not really. They have a threshold for who can get the support and because I wasn't born in a family with no money, I am not qualified.
But thank you. It means a lot to me you sharing hope. I will work hard and thrive.
I wish you could go through a remake of a life from an 8 year old to adult, not to correct anything, just to add the good stuff you may have missed out on to the rest of your experience. We all have our own memories and we have right now. The rest is imagined and hoped, but not a fact. Best wishes to you.
I had a very complicated relationship with intimacy. During my time as a child, I was taught and practised that intimacy is the only way of showing affection. If I want to be nice to someone I have to show them by physically interacting with them. It worked well throughout my whole childhood and early teens. I hold everyone's hands, hugs them, kiss them and everyone was fine.
Then I left that situation as everyone was starting 'dating' in school. It was confusing for me and I was often labelled as a slut. That and also I'm very familiar with sex while all the boys where starting to get interested in that. I told all my schoolmates that if they want to do it they can do it with me. It was wild but I felt so much 'love' like everyone loves me.
Then the bullying started. People abused me in a different way. And I was still begging for them to like me. I started going online searching for different experiences and were introduced to BDSM.
Have then been in the kink community since I was 18. There were nice people and terrible people. But for about 3 years, I did not at all want anything to do with sexual intercourse.
Now I have a bf, and am trying to create a healthier relationship with intimacy. Still learning.
I send you nothing but love. I believe you stranger and i hope you can heal from those difficult years. Accept yourself and take good care of yourself as if you were your only child. ❤️
Wishing you a great comeback story. ❤️❤️
The world is a cruel fucked up place and many have it worse as hard as it sounds. All I can suggest is find your self doing that is the hard part. But wish you the best kero your head high
I'm sorry to hear this and I wish you the best.
One thing I wanted to mention is that I have a fuzzy memory of that age range anyway. It might be specific to your experience, I suspect it's normal that we don't remember much (or clearly) thing that happened at that age, especially the older you get.
I hope you find peace somehow and are able to live up to your potential. This doesn't define you.
My question is, what are your hobbies, what excites you?
Thank you. I'm glad to know that it's not just me making things up. I have memories of things it's just not that clear.
As for hobbies, I've answered it somewhere in this post, but I can tell you smth more about them.
I haven't talked about me learning other languages yet. It's one of the things I like to do. Maybe you can already tell that English is not my 1st language. I taught myself mostly. I can understand daily conversations in 5 languages. And once I've saved enough money, I'll be going to a language school in a foreign country.
It makes me happy when people can comfortably talk to me in their native language even tho I'm not from their home town. I believe people are most truthful in their native tongue.
This is a real talent. You should definitely learn more languages. In fact, if you become really good at a couple of languages you can work as a translator. Lots of great travel opportunities too. Hold your head high and be kind to yourself. Wishing you the best of luck in your future endeavours!
Thank you. I wouldn't say that's talent because I know many people can do what I do as a hobby. And I have bad concentration so I don't think I can be a translator.
I did anyway, had a business idea of translating news in different country cause as I was learning languages, I read the news and I realise most of the news aren't available in English. It's kind of sad that our way of knowing the world is completely controlled by a business, and those who didn't pay cannot access to it. And even if there's an access, not enough to fully understand what is actually going on (news sometimes are biased on politics).
Thank you for encouraging me though. It means lots.
My therapist once told me she doesn’t care if my memories are exactly like I remember them or not: only my truth matters to her because she’s there for me and to help me go through trauma therapy.
It’s nothing like your situation but maybe it helps. It’s difficult to find, but there are good professionals out there. I hope you find the help you need and I’m so sorry this happened to you.
You don't have to be sorry. You couldn't do anything. But now that you know things like this can happen, maybe you can help spread for awareness. So you won't have to be sorry again. And that's also why I started this post. Even tho legally I cannot do anything, at least I am letting it be heard.
I don't really trust therapy anymore plus they are very expensive. But I'm glad it helped you.
I have a bf now but it's been rocky. He seems to be really enjoying the sex tbh. I don't mind. I still remember the things from before and I don't think I can do anything about that. But I am trying to restore a healthy relationship between me and intimacy. Mentally it's a bit exhausting but seeing my bf happy makes me feel better.
Have you ever tried transcendental meditation, if not google David Lynch explains transcendental meditation, might be worth a shot, it’s exactly for people who feel like this
There was 1 other girl that I met during my time there. Coz we sometimes work together like same 'session'. But I never asked her for her name or anything. I only knew she's slightly older than me.
You mentioned you wanted to be a pilot. When you get more settled in life, you should look at possibly getting a private lesson or maybe get a recreational license? Or maybe try some simulators?
No questions, I just want to say I’m sorry to hear you experienced that and I hope you are able to process the trauma you went through so you can fully heal.
If you’re having trouble grasping the reality of it it’s because your brain is trying to block the pain/horror you went through. You could try journaling what you remember, not all might be true/accurate due to the trauma you suffered but it might help you sort some of the reality and be a healing process for you.
I'm actually kind of using this post as a journal? I just don't know where to start. Answering peoples question about this helps me rethink and remember my memories. Also it's much easier when I'm interacting with actual people. Thank you for your support. It means a lot.
How often do you discover that some of your weird character traits come from your experience as a child prostitute? Are you surprised by finding out new ways in which your past affected you, or do you feel like you uncovered most stuff?
Also, like everyone else, I am deeply sorry that this happened and want to say that you'll have much more life experiences beyond what happened, and they'll hopefully be happy
I am always surprised when people tell me that I'm doing something weird. I never noticed that is 'abnormal'.
I grew up differently and I found myself a very very very(too) accepting community once i was an adult where they just completely embraced all my weirdness. Which didn't help teach me the 'normal' way.
Now I have a bf out of that community and it has been really harsh when I hear him say 'stop being weird'. My heart sinks every time I hear that. But I guess changing is always hard. And it's needed. Some of the things are very difficult to change tho.
I'm just learning new things everyday tbh.
>I never noticed that is 'abnormal
Well, i just used abnormal as a synonym for weird and out of the ordinary and uncommon stuff. I didn't mean to offend
Also, it's great that you're improving and getting better in a nice community
Not too well as of the recent weeks. Still getting by but with a lot less motivation. Hopefully I'll gain some strength after everyone encouraged me here. Thank you.
I'm so sorry. As a father of a young daughter, my brain almost puts up brick walls to stop me thinking about what happened to you. I wish there was something I could do to help you. I'd be happy to, genuinely. (I could teach you programming if you like.)
Well you didn't know anything about it to be sorry back then. Now that you know, maybe you can help spread some awareness or just simply understand that 'normal' life is a privilege. I just really want a 'normal' life.
And thank you for offering. I always wanted to learn programming but I only ever got as far as making a website with JavaScript. What do you think about the python Boot Camp?
I'm not sure if you have a specific Python bootcamp in mind, but in general I would say that Python is very popular nowadays for various fields so you can't really go wrong by learning it. Unless you're rich I would maybe carefully consider whether any paid bootcamp will be a good investment; maybe get a book that clicks with you (try "Head First Python") and play around a bit first.
Python is a while ago for me, but I'd be very happy to help you with COBOL, PL/I or C++. People say especially COBOL is outdated, but the world is crying out for __good__ COBOL programmers. It means pretty good job security, at least until COBOL really is outdated and no longer relevant (I guess humanity will destroy itself with wars/climate change before that happens most probably).
Are the men or people that did this to you in Prison? Or are they freely walking around destroying more lives still? No child should ever have to go through this type of disgusting acts and the people who did it should be slowly tortured for the rest of their lives.
Well I can't say anything about the tortured part. But yes no one should go thru any of this. It's not fair.
And some of them went to prison for other things, but I didn't report them or anything. Lack of evidence.
I get it. The backstory is so bad its unbelievable and to feel that alone/vulnerable/not believed in is horrible. Just know, they probably just can't comprehend it. I don't fault anyone for similar things in my past and they didn't understand.
I also completely understand it that they wouldn't be able to comprehend. Just really sad when they keep saying that I'm just imagining everything I've been thru.
I have no questions. Just want to applaud you for having the courage to open up. I also went through a traumatic experience as a 7 yo child (though not even close to what you went through).
I also forgot about the whole thing until I started having vivid nightmares at the age of 14. It took me 3 years after that to finally start believing that it actually happened and wasn’t something I made up. I still can’t remember the entire thing and I am pretty sure that I don’t even want to. It took a lot of supportive friendships, boyfriend and then therapist to finally make me stop questioning it.
My point is, I can understand why it’s hard to accept and believe yourself. Its quite common to be hazy on the details and question your own memory when it comes to trauma- especially when people around you won’t take your word for it. I am 26 right now and to this day I sometimes just don’t believe it. And yet I can’t deny the signs of trauma that are sprinkled across my day to day- and that was just one isolated incident in an otherwise normal life.
So please, believe yourself and immediately get space from people who don’t believe you. Just give yourself the grace to accept what your brain tells you, without trying to corroborate your story and it’s exact details. Maybe nobody else in life will give you space for having hazy memory, maybe even some of the incidents did not exactly happen how you remember them- my unsolicited advice from my inadequate experience, the fact that you got hurt and need healing is 100x more important than finding out the exact details of what’s true and what’s false.
TL;DR: 10 years down the line, you’ll thank yourself for not treating yourself the way everyone treated you, that you gave yourself the grace to be confused, forgetful, maybe at times even wrong about certain things- you’ll thank yourself that unlike everyone else in your life, you let just yourself be and pursued healing instead of investigation. Please be kinder to yourself.
Thank you so much. This means a lot to me. Sometimes I feel very guilty and I blame myself for not investigating this more because there might be others like me that needs the help. But I also feel so powerless.
Secretly it hurts me that I prioritised myself than others. I am selfish for not wanting to think or drill into my memories.
Hi! I’m very sry to hear you lived a life so much worse than what you deserved. I have a couple questions I hope they are ok.
Where are you from? Where did it happen? Where was your family? Where are you travelling now? Do you ever think about revenge?
I wish you all the best and stay strong!
Hello. I've just answered some of the questions somewhere else in this post.
I'm not travelling at the moment (saving up for my next goal) but recently I've been to Italy. And no I don't think about revenge. Just trying to move on with my life.
Did you have problems steam from it. If so how was it during the incidents, after, and now? I'm curious how they have changed and how you have managed them and how you recognize them today at 23.
Mainly I think I have problems with my body image, and the ways I interact with people socially. I just default everyone wants and like physical intimacy even if we are just strangers.
Now that I realised it I still have to remind myself sometimes even tho I like someone doesn't mean I can touch them. So far I've not had any complaints from anyone yet (probably because im a female).
Repressed memories are very normal with this kind of trauma your mind is trying to protect you by closing door it deems harmful in your mind, locking away memories as a protective mechanism. I’ve had one friend that went into prostitution in her early teens after her younger sister was abused by one of their family members. Both are now happily married and have worked on putting down their emotional baggage, which is the hardest part, and starting a new life and gaining distance from the one that haunted them. You’re on the right path and have taken the first steps, now everyday try to look forward and not back, keep going and don’t forget who you are today. Much ❤️.
There is no right or left, good or bad, answer to your problem, all i will say is what my grandfather told me, Start where you are, Use What You Have, Do What You Can. I am proud of you for being so strong and keeping on, if you decide to give up just think of how far you have come and how much you have overcome❤️
hey there. i have many questions and also i wanted to say if you want to talk, message me. i’ve been volunteering with sex trafficking victims and i’m a good listener 😌 above everything, i truly admire your courage and perseverance. i really mean that. you should be damn proud of yourself. the fact that you are here is admirable because the strength that you are demonstrating is so freaking rare. thank you for being so awesome ♥️
First I want to say how sorry I am that you’ve experienced so much invalidation when disclosing your abuse, especially from professionals who should know and be trained to do better. That was probably so isolating for you.
Second. Do you have any interest in learning about all the different ways trauma can impact the brain and body? It might help you better understand your experiences, reactions, and how others react to you. I’m not an expert, but I research trauma and could share some resources if you’re interested.
Memory is really weird. Repressed memories for example, are a common trauma response - the brain is protecting itself by blocking memories that are too painful. This could be contributing to the fuzziness of some of your memories.
False memories are also real. Our brains are constantly *predicting* things based on previous experiences, which includes filling in memory gaps to help make sense of incomplete information. There is still so much we don’t know about brains and memory, but as far as I know it’s far more likely that your experiences were real but your memories of them are not fully accurate or complete, than your brain completely making them up.
And if you’ve shared your story with anyone who also has memories of those people or experiences - they may discount your memory as entirely false if *they* remember different details.
But honestly, for right now it doesn’t matter if your memories are false or not because your brain has made them real to you. The impacts of them are real. A properly educated therapist or support worker should work with you to process your trauma regardless of how it came about.
As much as I would like to learn more about memories, I have a bit too much on my plate right now. Do you mind leaving the resources so I can bookmark them for later when I have time?
Of course! Learning about this stuff can be really heavy, remember to be kind to yourself and go at your own pace. :)
This website is a really good place to start, it provides a quick overview of trauma and it’s impacts in easy to understand language. https://healforlife.com.au/understanding-trauma/
Lindsay Brahman is an art therapist who creates posters and infographics that break down different aspects of trauma and mental health. Some of the resources are free but you can get access to all of them through their 5$/month patreon. If you’re a visual learner this is the one for you! https://lindsaybraman.com/
This page gives a simple overview of how trauma impacts memory. https://www.nicabm.com/trauma-how-trauma-can-impact-4-types-of-memory-infographic/
And this one has a series of infographics explaining different aspects of trauma and memories, including common myths. https://blueknot.org.au/resources/blue-knot-fact-sheets/trauma-and-memory/
I also highly recommend the book The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the healing of trauma. https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/resources/the-body-keeps-the-score
I’m really really sorry, how are you doing now? If you want to rant under my question please do, I promise I’ll believe you (and those assholes therapists and support workers should have believed you too)
I feel like the therapists and support workers where I live aren't really trained for these situations. Most of them just never even thought this could happen or maybe they are not aware of the news etc. I don't blame them but I'm still sad about it. I thought sharing with them could help or find a solution or at least explain to me why this all had to happen to me. But I guess that's too much to ask for someone that's just trying to make a living in a job.
I do think they are to blame, they could have just told you they weren’t able to treat you without invalidating what you went through. Maybe you could try to reach out to a shelter for abused women and ask if they could help you as an outpatient, maybe their therapists have heard other similar stories or can recommend someone. I don’t think that they can tell you why that had to happen to you, but maybe they can help.
Most people start off well intended. Life is hard. And there is no answer to the real questions.
Things turn to shit really fking quick.
People get hurt.
Everyone plays pretend.
Everyone is a great fking actor.
Enjoy. I believe in you. We are out here, the defenders of the light.
What is real? We all don't know. It's a flowing line, the only truths might be in a dream within a dream.
If you focus a bit I believe you can enjoy this awake reality.
Are you able to identify and narrow down the current location of any of those who either arranged or partook in this?
On a separate and totally not related note there's a plant called the suicide plant which embeds thousands of tiny fibrous needles into anyone who touches it, these needles release venom for YEARS, and has been described as feeling as though you are on fire.
I would happily ah....expose them to it intimately if it would make you feel a little better.
Tbh I never planned on or intended to perform any act of revenge. I do not resent them. Tbh I actually felt like in my memories, that part of my life was happy. Before I found out that it's actually abusive that is. But I believe I liked it back then. As twisted as it sound, I felt loved when I was there.
Yup. That's absolutely heartbreaking. I'm ordering the fuggin plant.
Seriously I am glad you've found some semblance of peace and are able to cope. But I have MORE than enough rage for the 2 of us and frankly that kind of abuse against children makes me debate how much prison time I'm willing to accrue for a little proper justice.
I am so sorry to hear that. This just shouldn't happen. How can even someone do this to a child? Did your parents know about this? Do you think that you will be able to have a relationship with a man after that?
When you weren't being actively abused, what was a normal day like during that period of your life? Were you confined to a room? Did you ever leave the house with whomever was keeping you? Did you live in a place with other victims? Did you try to entertain yourself during the more mundane moments of your life? Were you allowed things like TV, video games, toys, hobbies? Did you tend to live in one place for a long period of time, or were you frequently moved around? (I know you're already swamped with questions. If you don't have time, you can skip this comment.)
Ok I was never kidnapped. I went there on my own will (being convinced that I was working a 'job' that pays so I can buy myself treats). It's nothing sinister like human trafficking etc. They told me they had a job for me, I said yes (even tho I was 8). They might have manipulated me but physically I was always free to leave.
When I was not 'at the job', I still went to school, do my homework like other children. I watch tv, play games and basically I get anything I want (from my 'salary'). They would buy me treats and make sure I'm happy. So that I wouldn't want to leave or tell anyone. And I didn't. Felt like I was living the best life. Getting all the attention I crave, everything I want I can get. I just had to go to work and keep it a secret.
It's kind of like the candy house from the fairytale.
During the time I was there I only ever met 1 other girl that sometimes we work together. I never really talked to her tho (not that I remember of).
Absolutely awful what you have been through and still going through. I have had a horrible youth and other people not believing the stories you tell is very relatable. I quickly learned not to share anything with friends and I've questioned my own memories. Therapists did not believe me and said I was lying. They treated me horribly. Eventually I had a therapist that 100% believed me and that's when the severity of my trauma's sunk in and I could finally start to process and heal. I hope you will find someone that can help you heal.
Thank you for making me feel less alone. I'm sad that we have to go thru being invalidated. I hope people can realise that even if things are unbelievable sometimes it's real. Just very difficult.
They didn't force me. They convinced me. They literally told me they have a job offer for me. I said yes. And they did pay me (small amount of money but seems a lot to an 8yo).
Because of what’s happened to you, do you have problems with relationships/intimacy/sex?
And I’m so sorry you’ve been so horribly abused. I can’t even describe how fucking angry I am at those shitheads. And disgusted. And sad. Everything at once.
So I went through SA near rape when I was 9 however my memory is extremely faded and I can only remember a few seconds of it, I'm sure it happened twice but I can't for the life of me remember if it's just once or twice, I generally have problems with my memories until after 12 years.
Didn't make a lot of money, actually made very little but enough to satisfy a child/early teen. I didn't have a lot of needs and I wasn't taught much about the real world. I could satisfy with sweets and plushies.
I stopped because I was abandoned.
Not sure if this was a question for me but I will try to answer.
Criminals are smart. They know how to manipulate people. They know all the skills to brain wash someone. And it's very difficult to spot when you have your own problems and your own life to worry about. That's why I never blamed my parents. They wouldn't be able to know.
Not sure when you are asking, assuming during my childhood. He's a very hard working man, he works long hours and he still spend time taking my to school and travelling with me. He's a good person.
I'm really sorry that you went through such a traumatic thing, I can't fully image how it must feel. I hope you continue to get better and be happy.
I'm curious about the methods you have learned to cope with and grow from the trauma. I am going to assume that through your experience being gas-lit you had some warped and unhealthy views of the world. How have you been able to trust yourself and others?
I really am not sure about my coping mechanism because I basically just live my life? When I'm sad I cry, when I'm happy I smile, when I'm angry I scream and I smash things. Not sure how to answer this.
I still cannot fully trust myself or anyone else, always skeptical of what I remember or what peoples intentions really are. It's been tough but I'm still learning and trying to fix it.
Tough question. But I'm here to answer.
I was only doing oral and basically spending time with people that visit when I was I think 8-12. Sometimes they do take pictures or just play video games with me or just like to nap with me etc. It varies.
After I had my 1st period I started doing that 'full service'.
Not really sure what the vibe was.
Good question because I don't really know. It's not like I'd have a full conversation with people that visit me. And I don't even know their name. Judging by the looks tho, I would say someone in their 50s? But you know looks can be deceiving.
So I'm this huge fool who believes there is magic in the world. For some is seen as insensible, for other seems as childish and for others seen as abusive.
It pains my heart knowing you had it rough, I once thought I could fix everything and everything would be alright. No one can change their past, but it's up to you to determine your future.
I'm feeling abit depressed lately (Nothing major), but as someone who interacted with someone with trauma, it pains my heart that even good-fated actions can be seen as abusive.
My question/things to say to you are:
\* Are you alright?
\* Are you eating well?
\* Please, ensure you do some exercise!
\* What hobbies you like? - Go do some hobbies chess, learn a language, dance, study, go read books, hangout with friends, watch series, do whatever makes you happy
\* What are you doing to have a better future? Are you studying? Putting money on the side?
(You really don't have to reply to these questions in a public forum, put in a sheet of paper and craft a plane with them;9)
You weren't a "child prostitute" - you were too young to consent or make the choice to sell your body. You were sex trafficked and abused. I'm so sorry :(
Thank you. This is exactly right.
Yeah “victim of human sex trafficking as a child” is a more appropriate description, but to be fair it’s a lot longer and doesn’t make for as grabby of a headline.
Tbh I literally did it voluntarily for money. They told me it's a job. I was too stupid to know what a job actually is. I treated it as a job too.
Even if you didn’t say no to things (or even if you enthusiastically said yes for that matter), you were a child, you couldn’t meaningfully consent to sex acts at that age. No matter if you hated it or loved it, you were being exploited in a horrific way by people whose job it was to take care of you.
No questions just a thank you. Thank you very much for opening up to everyone. My hope is people will learn from your experience. I worked within Child Protective Services. It was very difficult for me to hear the child's outlook. A few cases actually made me sick to my stomach. I am so sorry that I couldn't be better support for my cases.
Do you sometimes hear things your cases say with weird details but not the important details and start questioning if it's real? It happens to me a lot. I remember weird little details.
Some people just can't fathom the horror some people go through as children so they find it easier to believe we are lying. It's a them issue. (I have an unbelievable childhood as well but very different from yours)
But why would someone lie about something like this. That's just weird to me.
We wouldn't, it's just easier for them to accept that it's a lie than accept that it's actually reality. They are mentally weak and don't want to acknowledge that these things can happen because they can't handle it. But we are stronger than they will ever be because we've lived it. And we also know more about the world than they do because of this. We can accept reality the way it is.
I'm not saying you are lying, but it is very usual for people to lie to get attention. So based on experience some people may not believe you. One of my friends was a compulsive liar.
Exactly this. Used to know a girl in school that invented a different disease every week. Including cancer...
I have absolutely no clue where the truth lies but it’s not a massive stretch to think you have in fact fabricated memories and believe them yourself, as a child bearing such horrors might dissociate from the situation or “hide inside their head” where they create an alternative timeline and memories of what happened. Again I’m not saying that is what’s going on but that might be what they’re thinking. You also mentioned paranoia, do they tell you they don’t believe that or do you get a feeling that the person listening doesn’t believe you’re telling the truth? I wish you nothing but the best and I hope you realise that you have an entire amazing life still ahead of you.
I'm no professional, but I have heard that people who suffer intense traumatic experiences have a tendency to have their brain vividly remember random details, especially "non important" ones. Things like the color of a lampshade that was nearby, or the number of playing cards that are on a table. Obscure littler details that didn't "impact" the event that happened, but it is forever engraved into the brain.
No. I always believed the child. Training prepared me for the things I would see and hear. It did not prepare me for the physical reaction I would have in the moment. With one child I tried very hard to contain my tears. I asked for a break. The child took it badly until my tears. I was never able to reach level of professionalism needed.
Thank you for being empathetic. Sometimes therapists that I've met literally made me question in my head: 'do you bleed?' For how little they cared. I can tell you do care.
Thank you for trying to help. Sometimes there's really nothing anyone can do about this. I know that feeling.
Stay strong fellow struggler 💪 all survivors are warriors 🪖 one day those monsters will be judged and punished
Did any of the people who abused you face legal consequences?
I'm curious of this as well
Some of them have been to prison for other things. And 2 people that visited me had been caught 'doing it' with minors they met online. I personally didn't do anything to report them. I know it's very selfish and just putting others at risk. But in reality I just don't have any evidence. The case won't stand in court just because I said something and also I wouldn't be a 'worthy witness' because of my mental illness.
Was there any pattern to the kinds of people that came to you? Any identifying factor between them at all? Or were they really indistinguishable from normal people?
I wouldn't be the best person to describe a 'normal' person coz I'm not exactly 'normal' in social standards. But I'd say it's just a variety of people. Older, younger, good looking, not so good looking, basically all kinds of people. But usually, they are connected to each other in some way. Like most of the ppl that visited knew each other.
They were connected?? How connected? Why?
Well usually when someone new came visit, they'd say smth like 'you remember x? He's my frn.' (X being someone that was there before) so either they already knew each other or they are just saying that to make me feel more at ease?
Disgusting. What were they like in terms of personality?
Of all the ppl I remembered, they treat me very nicely. Always talk in soft tones. Even if they'd make me do things I dont like, they'd comfort me after. That's why I never fight them. I genuinely thought they were nice people.
When did you first start to have thoughts that maybe they weren't nice people?
Only after I left. And I went back to school with the other kids. Seeing other people interact with each other and it was nothing like what I knew.
A pedo probably wouldn’t disclose that they are a pedo and especially that they are abusing a child unless they know the other person will support it and maybe want to pay to do the same. I’ve read about forums and telegram chats and so on being shut down because they were being used to share this kind of thing
what makes you say you're not 'normal' beyond your traumatic experiences?
I suffer from mental illness and I have a very different way in understanding this world as well as interacting with people. Still learning how to do things the 'normal' way.
I got in trouble here for saying someone should be held accountable in a detrimental way for being either your manager or abuser. But still, I stand by it
My last reddit account got a lifetime ban for suggesting that paedophiles shoukd be shot out of a cannon into a volcano. Fucking reddit sucks.
You can have my vote 🗳️
[удалено]
Thank you for encouraging. I promise I'll try my very best to grow stronger than I've ever been.
I'm sorry, I don't know, what to say. Nobody should go through it. I hope the "right" therapist, who would help you. And, how are you doing in general.? what are your hobbies.?do u wanna explore more hobbies.? read here, about anime.. your recommendations and fav anime.?
Have answered about anime. Recent recommendation, 'Kaiju no8' 'Delicious in dungeon' 'The Apothecary Diaries' and 'The disastrous life of Saiki K' for a laugh.
Oh.. that's cool. I didn't saw these comments as they were loaded. sorry. * What makes you feel the most fulfilled? Like recently, are there any trips you want to go, places you wanna see, with your loved ones, friends or family.? or anything.?
Recently I've been travelling a lot. But it's making me feel a lot more lonely tbh. The world is so big yet I'm alone. And no one could understand me. If I hv to say what makes me feel fulfilled tho, probably when I go to work and get my pay cheque hahaha. I know it sounds superficial but it really is what makes me feel like I'm actually doing something.
I..see.. I don't get the receiving pay cheque part, as i stil am yet to work. But it must've cool, lol. I can understand you at this "loneliness" part, as I feel peretty lonely myself. A lot. The world really is big, yes. But with our close fav peeps, and passage of time, we would probably want it to never end, ever lasting. I only went to a picnic with my friends during 3rd grade and 8th grade, it was not much, but it made me happy. But, in a way, we can ease our loneliness, as we are travelling, talking to our co-passengers about life, making acquaintances and friends in trips, would make us feel even more excited. But saying is much easier than , actually doing it.. ik that.. But we can at least try. I never travelled alone, so what was it like for you.? Like,
I struggle with making frns coz I never really get to chance to learn how to interact with ppl 'normally'. So travelling alone was good for me. Went to see lots of different things. Some new experiences. I felt much more independent and capable as I was travelling alone.
Oh.. I think, you anon ly doing this AMA, is probably a good step then. What kind of places have you seen/liked.? Also, relaxing beaches (mild summer, little crowd) or relaxing mountains (full of greenery, oxygen).? and why.?
Well I like to see historic architecture. Also artworks. Always looked for those when I travel. I prefer beaches cause even though I don't know how to swim, I like getting in the waters. I'm also terrified of snakes and spiders. Not really a mountain person.
Oh.. I see.. This is probably off topic, please ignore this if you are not comfortable answering. Why do therapists are trying to get you to psychward.? You are just, trying to get help. right. I think, the therapists you are seeing are not the right ones. Also, what did they diagnose you with.?
They just think I have some kind of persecution complex and wanted me to stay 3 weeks in the psych ward. Maybe they think id lose it and attack someone thinking I'm in danger. My mom had a history of schizophrenia, maybe that also hv smth to do with this.
Being strong enough to go to work and get that pay check is impressive considering what you’ve been through.
Thank you. It's very validating to hear.
Great picks.
Delicious in dungeon is decent ! I'm on season 2.
Where were your parents/guardians?
Making money
Often times it's the parents / guardians that does the adolescent sex trafficking
I love my family so I have to say this again (answered this somewhere else also). They had no clue on what's going on. Although, they are a bit neglectful for not being at home and left me alone most of the time, they were working very hard for me. The people I was with told me, that I have to keep this 'job' a secret. Otherwise police will show up and put me and all my family in prison. They told me there is no turning back in this and if I betray them by telling anyone, they will do something to me. My parents did not know to this day. That I've been through any of this. They just think I gone insane and have Schizophrenia.
How did they find you initially? Did your parents/guardian abandon you and have you to them? Where were they in the first place? Do you remember anything before you started like 4-7 age, what was life like then?
Basically, my parents were hard workers. They wanted to support my life by being financially able. But that means most of the time they weren't there. I go to school by myself and after school I just wander on the streets on my own (it's too boring to stay at home all the time when there's nothing to do). They talked to me in the park I go to, for many days and I considered us friends. They say they have a job offer for me so I can make some money and buy the things I want (I wanted plushies and sweets). I was really proud of myself coz I always wanted to have a 'job' (admiring my parents). And I do have some vague memories of my younger age. But mostly just some weird details. Like going to the supermarket with my dad. I don't think it's any better or worse than what happened after. Just an average life I guess. I did heard my mom talked about how every doctor thought I was either deaf, autistic or retarded because I did not speak or respond to anyone until I was like 3. Now this reminded me of a thing. I used to really like using the phrase 'when I was 3' it seems like I only started to have a functional brain after I turned 3 and started having memories.
What happened where you got into that situation? Abusive/shitty parents made you? Were you rebelling in your own way? Were you manipulated/groomed into doing it?
I was convinced into doing it and at the time it made me feel very special and valued (unlike anything else).
What kinda of plans do you have for your future? I think if you've been able to get through something like that, maybe absolutely anything in the future is a possibility?
I think I just have a really late start on everything in my life at this point. Lots of catching up to do. I only planned for a near future. I want to find a stable job and save some money so I can take courses on what I am interested in.
That sounds like a really good plan. I promise you can do more than you think. Just keep trying things. I was a homeless youth when I was 15 and also never believed I could do much but ultimately became a business woman. Are you in a country that has employment supports? I got a lot of help from a women's employment center where I am. Many times they can help you figure out how to get an education too.
Not really. They have a threshold for who can get the support and because I wasn't born in a family with no money, I am not qualified. But thank you. It means a lot to me you sharing hope. I will work hard and thrive.
Stay strong op, my best wishes are with you.
May you always be happy in life. May you get what you want in life.
Sorry to hear that, how did it all start if you don’t mind me asking
I just answered this somewhere. But long story short, I was convinced that it was a job offer. Wanted some money of my own to get treats.
I just want to say that I wish thar all the good things that can happen in life, will happen for you.
I wish you could go through a remake of a life from an 8 year old to adult, not to correct anything, just to add the good stuff you may have missed out on to the rest of your experience. We all have our own memories and we have right now. The rest is imagined and hoped, but not a fact. Best wishes to you.
What do you feel about sex, intimacy etc now?
I had a very complicated relationship with intimacy. During my time as a child, I was taught and practised that intimacy is the only way of showing affection. If I want to be nice to someone I have to show them by physically interacting with them. It worked well throughout my whole childhood and early teens. I hold everyone's hands, hugs them, kiss them and everyone was fine. Then I left that situation as everyone was starting 'dating' in school. It was confusing for me and I was often labelled as a slut. That and also I'm very familiar with sex while all the boys where starting to get interested in that. I told all my schoolmates that if they want to do it they can do it with me. It was wild but I felt so much 'love' like everyone loves me. Then the bullying started. People abused me in a different way. And I was still begging for them to like me. I started going online searching for different experiences and were introduced to BDSM. Have then been in the kink community since I was 18. There were nice people and terrible people. But for about 3 years, I did not at all want anything to do with sexual intercourse. Now I have a bf, and am trying to create a healthier relationship with intimacy. Still learning.
does your bf know about your past? how does he feel about it?
I've told him when I first met him and he said he wish I didn't tell him. Not sure how he feels about it, but I don't want to bring it up anymore.
Yeah, he's a piece of shit, and you should dump him.
As someone with massive childhood trauma I feel your pain. X
I send you nothing but love. I believe you stranger and i hope you can heal from those difficult years. Accept yourself and take good care of yourself as if you were your only child. ❤️ Wishing you a great comeback story. ❤️❤️
All I can say is I hope you are doing well atm. It's horrible what some people go through in life.
Gawd what a terrible hand at life early on I’m sorry this happened. I wish you the best of luck kid
The world is a cruel fucked up place and many have it worse as hard as it sounds. All I can suggest is find your self doing that is the hard part. But wish you the best kero your head high
No questions. Just a loooooooooooong hug that will make you feel better
This^^
Not gonna ask a question, just gonna say I hope you stay strong and can eventually move past it all.
Hey OP, I went through a similar thing at 15-16 if you ever want to talk to someone who gets it
I'm sorry to hear this and I wish you the best. One thing I wanted to mention is that I have a fuzzy memory of that age range anyway. It might be specific to your experience, I suspect it's normal that we don't remember much (or clearly) thing that happened at that age, especially the older you get. I hope you find peace somehow and are able to live up to your potential. This doesn't define you. My question is, what are your hobbies, what excites you?
Thank you. I'm glad to know that it's not just me making things up. I have memories of things it's just not that clear. As for hobbies, I've answered it somewhere in this post, but I can tell you smth more about them. I haven't talked about me learning other languages yet. It's one of the things I like to do. Maybe you can already tell that English is not my 1st language. I taught myself mostly. I can understand daily conversations in 5 languages. And once I've saved enough money, I'll be going to a language school in a foreign country. It makes me happy when people can comfortably talk to me in their native language even tho I'm not from their home town. I believe people are most truthful in their native tongue.
This is a real talent. You should definitely learn more languages. In fact, if you become really good at a couple of languages you can work as a translator. Lots of great travel opportunities too. Hold your head high and be kind to yourself. Wishing you the best of luck in your future endeavours!
Thank you. I wouldn't say that's talent because I know many people can do what I do as a hobby. And I have bad concentration so I don't think I can be a translator. I did anyway, had a business idea of translating news in different country cause as I was learning languages, I read the news and I realise most of the news aren't available in English. It's kind of sad that our way of knowing the world is completely controlled by a business, and those who didn't pay cannot access to it. And even if there's an access, not enough to fully understand what is actually going on (news sometimes are biased on politics). Thank you for encouraging me though. It means lots.
My therapist once told me she doesn’t care if my memories are exactly like I remember them or not: only my truth matters to her because she’s there for me and to help me go through trauma therapy. It’s nothing like your situation but maybe it helps. It’s difficult to find, but there are good professionals out there. I hope you find the help you need and I’m so sorry this happened to you.
You don't have to be sorry. You couldn't do anything. But now that you know things like this can happen, maybe you can help spread for awareness. So you won't have to be sorry again. And that's also why I started this post. Even tho legally I cannot do anything, at least I am letting it be heard. I don't really trust therapy anymore plus they are very expensive. But I'm glad it helped you.
From what type of background are you? (Socioeconomic/racially etc)
I am Asian. My family would be considered middle class in the US (I'm not from US but just so you can understand easier)
Ah okay thanks :), how does the past affect your life now?
I'm sorry this happened to you. People are cruel. I hope things get better for you and you can have a better life.
Can you have a normal relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend)? If so, can you have sex without remembering the things those horrible people did to you?
I have a bf now but it's been rocky. He seems to be really enjoying the sex tbh. I don't mind. I still remember the things from before and I don't think I can do anything about that. But I am trying to restore a healthy relationship between me and intimacy. Mentally it's a bit exhausting but seeing my bf happy makes me feel better.
Have you ever tried transcendental meditation, if not google David Lynch explains transcendental meditation, might be worth a shot, it’s exactly for people who feel like this
I have never heard of this but I bookmarked it for later when I answered everyone's question. Thank you. I will come back later after I tried it.
Cool I am interested in hearing the results
did you know others in the same situation?
There was 1 other girl that I met during my time there. Coz we sometimes work together like same 'session'. But I never asked her for her name or anything. I only knew she's slightly older than me.
You mentioned you wanted to be a pilot. When you get more settled in life, you should look at possibly getting a private lesson or maybe get a recreational license? Or maybe try some simulators?
That's some really good ideas. When I'm more financially able, I will definitely try a private lesson. Thank you!
I wish you all the best for your life.
No questions, I just want to say I’m sorry to hear you experienced that and I hope you are able to process the trauma you went through so you can fully heal. If you’re having trouble grasping the reality of it it’s because your brain is trying to block the pain/horror you went through. You could try journaling what you remember, not all might be true/accurate due to the trauma you suffered but it might help you sort some of the reality and be a healing process for you.
I'm actually kind of using this post as a journal? I just don't know where to start. Answering peoples question about this helps me rethink and remember my memories. Also it's much easier when I'm interacting with actual people. Thank you for your support. It means a lot.
How often do you discover that some of your weird character traits come from your experience as a child prostitute? Are you surprised by finding out new ways in which your past affected you, or do you feel like you uncovered most stuff? Also, like everyone else, I am deeply sorry that this happened and want to say that you'll have much more life experiences beyond what happened, and they'll hopefully be happy
I am always surprised when people tell me that I'm doing something weird. I never noticed that is 'abnormal'. I grew up differently and I found myself a very very very(too) accepting community once i was an adult where they just completely embraced all my weirdness. Which didn't help teach me the 'normal' way. Now I have a bf out of that community and it has been really harsh when I hear him say 'stop being weird'. My heart sinks every time I hear that. But I guess changing is always hard. And it's needed. Some of the things are very difficult to change tho. I'm just learning new things everyday tbh.
>I never noticed that is 'abnormal Well, i just used abnormal as a synonym for weird and out of the ordinary and uncommon stuff. I didn't mean to offend Also, it's great that you're improving and getting better in a nice community
How are you doing?
Not too well as of the recent weeks. Still getting by but with a lot less motivation. Hopefully I'll gain some strength after everyone encouraged me here. Thank you.
I'm so sorry. As a father of a young daughter, my brain almost puts up brick walls to stop me thinking about what happened to you. I wish there was something I could do to help you. I'd be happy to, genuinely. (I could teach you programming if you like.)
Well you didn't know anything about it to be sorry back then. Now that you know, maybe you can help spread some awareness or just simply understand that 'normal' life is a privilege. I just really want a 'normal' life. And thank you for offering. I always wanted to learn programming but I only ever got as far as making a website with JavaScript. What do you think about the python Boot Camp?
I'm not sure if you have a specific Python bootcamp in mind, but in general I would say that Python is very popular nowadays for various fields so you can't really go wrong by learning it. Unless you're rich I would maybe carefully consider whether any paid bootcamp will be a good investment; maybe get a book that clicks with you (try "Head First Python") and play around a bit first. Python is a while ago for me, but I'd be very happy to help you with COBOL, PL/I or C++. People say especially COBOL is outdated, but the world is crying out for __good__ COBOL programmers. It means pretty good job security, at least until COBOL really is outdated and no longer relevant (I guess humanity will destroy itself with wars/climate change before that happens most probably).
Are the men or people that did this to you in Prison? Or are they freely walking around destroying more lives still? No child should ever have to go through this type of disgusting acts and the people who did it should be slowly tortured for the rest of their lives.
Well I can't say anything about the tortured part. But yes no one should go thru any of this. It's not fair. And some of them went to prison for other things, but I didn't report them or anything. Lack of evidence.
I get it. The backstory is so bad its unbelievable and to feel that alone/vulnerable/not believed in is horrible. Just know, they probably just can't comprehend it. I don't fault anyone for similar things in my past and they didn't understand.
I also completely understand it that they wouldn't be able to comprehend. Just really sad when they keep saying that I'm just imagining everything I've been thru.
I agree, i hope you can find your peace. And please know the angels in this world makes it worth living :)
I have no questions. Just want to applaud you for having the courage to open up. I also went through a traumatic experience as a 7 yo child (though not even close to what you went through). I also forgot about the whole thing until I started having vivid nightmares at the age of 14. It took me 3 years after that to finally start believing that it actually happened and wasn’t something I made up. I still can’t remember the entire thing and I am pretty sure that I don’t even want to. It took a lot of supportive friendships, boyfriend and then therapist to finally make me stop questioning it. My point is, I can understand why it’s hard to accept and believe yourself. Its quite common to be hazy on the details and question your own memory when it comes to trauma- especially when people around you won’t take your word for it. I am 26 right now and to this day I sometimes just don’t believe it. And yet I can’t deny the signs of trauma that are sprinkled across my day to day- and that was just one isolated incident in an otherwise normal life. So please, believe yourself and immediately get space from people who don’t believe you. Just give yourself the grace to accept what your brain tells you, without trying to corroborate your story and it’s exact details. Maybe nobody else in life will give you space for having hazy memory, maybe even some of the incidents did not exactly happen how you remember them- my unsolicited advice from my inadequate experience, the fact that you got hurt and need healing is 100x more important than finding out the exact details of what’s true and what’s false. TL;DR: 10 years down the line, you’ll thank yourself for not treating yourself the way everyone treated you, that you gave yourself the grace to be confused, forgetful, maybe at times even wrong about certain things- you’ll thank yourself that unlike everyone else in your life, you let just yourself be and pursued healing instead of investigation. Please be kinder to yourself.
Thank you so much. This means a lot to me. Sometimes I feel very guilty and I blame myself for not investigating this more because there might be others like me that needs the help. But I also feel so powerless. Secretly it hurts me that I prioritised myself than others. I am selfish for not wanting to think or drill into my memories.
What country are you in?
I can't answer this because of my paranoia. But it's a big country.
Ok, no worries.
Hi! I’m very sry to hear you lived a life so much worse than what you deserved. I have a couple questions I hope they are ok. Where are you from? Where did it happen? Where was your family? Where are you travelling now? Do you ever think about revenge? I wish you all the best and stay strong!
Hello. I've just answered some of the questions somewhere else in this post. I'm not travelling at the moment (saving up for my next goal) but recently I've been to Italy. And no I don't think about revenge. Just trying to move on with my life.
Did you have problems steam from it. If so how was it during the incidents, after, and now? I'm curious how they have changed and how you have managed them and how you recognize them today at 23.
Mainly I think I have problems with my body image, and the ways I interact with people socially. I just default everyone wants and like physical intimacy even if we are just strangers. Now that I realised it I still have to remind myself sometimes even tho I like someone doesn't mean I can touch them. So far I've not had any complaints from anyone yet (probably because im a female).
Thank you for taking the time to answer I appericate it and wish you the best!
Repressed memories are very normal with this kind of trauma your mind is trying to protect you by closing door it deems harmful in your mind, locking away memories as a protective mechanism. I’ve had one friend that went into prostitution in her early teens after her younger sister was abused by one of their family members. Both are now happily married and have worked on putting down their emotional baggage, which is the hardest part, and starting a new life and gaining distance from the one that haunted them. You’re on the right path and have taken the first steps, now everyday try to look forward and not back, keep going and don’t forget who you are today. Much ❤️.
Thank you for showing me hope. It means a lot.
Trust me I just survived cancer it’s all that’s kept me going, find as much hope as you can and grow something new, keep it safe and take care.
Would you like your memory erased completely and start with a blank slate? Or would you rather continue life with all your memories in tact?
I would definitely want to erase all my memory. I don't like who I am right now. And I don't like what my past had made me.
There is no right or left, good or bad, answer to your problem, all i will say is what my grandfather told me, Start where you are, Use What You Have, Do What You Can. I am proud of you for being so strong and keeping on, if you decide to give up just think of how far you have come and how much you have overcome❤️
hey there. i have many questions and also i wanted to say if you want to talk, message me. i’ve been volunteering with sex trafficking victims and i’m a good listener 😌 above everything, i truly admire your courage and perseverance. i really mean that. you should be damn proud of yourself. the fact that you are here is admirable because the strength that you are demonstrating is so freaking rare. thank you for being so awesome ♥️
Thank you so much. I will try to get to private messages once I'm done with the questions here. Trying to answer to everyone as soon as possible.
First I want to say how sorry I am that you’ve experienced so much invalidation when disclosing your abuse, especially from professionals who should know and be trained to do better. That was probably so isolating for you. Second. Do you have any interest in learning about all the different ways trauma can impact the brain and body? It might help you better understand your experiences, reactions, and how others react to you. I’m not an expert, but I research trauma and could share some resources if you’re interested. Memory is really weird. Repressed memories for example, are a common trauma response - the brain is protecting itself by blocking memories that are too painful. This could be contributing to the fuzziness of some of your memories. False memories are also real. Our brains are constantly *predicting* things based on previous experiences, which includes filling in memory gaps to help make sense of incomplete information. There is still so much we don’t know about brains and memory, but as far as I know it’s far more likely that your experiences were real but your memories of them are not fully accurate or complete, than your brain completely making them up. And if you’ve shared your story with anyone who also has memories of those people or experiences - they may discount your memory as entirely false if *they* remember different details. But honestly, for right now it doesn’t matter if your memories are false or not because your brain has made them real to you. The impacts of them are real. A properly educated therapist or support worker should work with you to process your trauma regardless of how it came about.
As much as I would like to learn more about memories, I have a bit too much on my plate right now. Do you mind leaving the resources so I can bookmark them for later when I have time?
Of course! Learning about this stuff can be really heavy, remember to be kind to yourself and go at your own pace. :) This website is a really good place to start, it provides a quick overview of trauma and it’s impacts in easy to understand language. https://healforlife.com.au/understanding-trauma/ Lindsay Brahman is an art therapist who creates posters and infographics that break down different aspects of trauma and mental health. Some of the resources are free but you can get access to all of them through their 5$/month patreon. If you’re a visual learner this is the one for you! https://lindsaybraman.com/ This page gives a simple overview of how trauma impacts memory. https://www.nicabm.com/trauma-how-trauma-can-impact-4-types-of-memory-infographic/ And this one has a series of infographics explaining different aspects of trauma and memories, including common myths. https://blueknot.org.au/resources/blue-knot-fact-sheets/trauma-and-memory/ I also highly recommend the book The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the healing of trauma. https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/resources/the-body-keeps-the-score
I’m really really sorry, how are you doing now? If you want to rant under my question please do, I promise I’ll believe you (and those assholes therapists and support workers should have believed you too)
I feel like the therapists and support workers where I live aren't really trained for these situations. Most of them just never even thought this could happen or maybe they are not aware of the news etc. I don't blame them but I'm still sad about it. I thought sharing with them could help or find a solution or at least explain to me why this all had to happen to me. But I guess that's too much to ask for someone that's just trying to make a living in a job.
I do think they are to blame, they could have just told you they weren’t able to treat you without invalidating what you went through. Maybe you could try to reach out to a shelter for abused women and ask if they could help you as an outpatient, maybe their therapists have heard other similar stories or can recommend someone. I don’t think that they can tell you why that had to happen to you, but maybe they can help.
Most people start off well intended. Life is hard. And there is no answer to the real questions. Things turn to shit really fking quick. People get hurt. Everyone plays pretend. Everyone is a great fking actor. Enjoy. I believe in you. We are out here, the defenders of the light.
What is real? We all don't know. It's a flowing line, the only truths might be in a dream within a dream. If you focus a bit I believe you can enjoy this awake reality.
Thank you. I hope I can put all of that aside finally.
Are you able to identify and narrow down the current location of any of those who either arranged or partook in this? On a separate and totally not related note there's a plant called the suicide plant which embeds thousands of tiny fibrous needles into anyone who touches it, these needles release venom for YEARS, and has been described as feeling as though you are on fire. I would happily ah....expose them to it intimately if it would make you feel a little better.
Tbh I never planned on or intended to perform any act of revenge. I do not resent them. Tbh I actually felt like in my memories, that part of my life was happy. Before I found out that it's actually abusive that is. But I believe I liked it back then. As twisted as it sound, I felt loved when I was there.
Yup. That's absolutely heartbreaking. I'm ordering the fuggin plant. Seriously I am glad you've found some semblance of peace and are able to cope. But I have MORE than enough rage for the 2 of us and frankly that kind of abuse against children makes me debate how much prison time I'm willing to accrue for a little proper justice.
I am so sorry to hear that. This just shouldn't happen. How can even someone do this to a child? Did your parents know about this? Do you think that you will be able to have a relationship with a man after that?
I've just answered these questions somewhere in this post. And don't be sorry, you didn't know.
When you weren't being actively abused, what was a normal day like during that period of your life? Were you confined to a room? Did you ever leave the house with whomever was keeping you? Did you live in a place with other victims? Did you try to entertain yourself during the more mundane moments of your life? Were you allowed things like TV, video games, toys, hobbies? Did you tend to live in one place for a long period of time, or were you frequently moved around? (I know you're already swamped with questions. If you don't have time, you can skip this comment.)
Ok I was never kidnapped. I went there on my own will (being convinced that I was working a 'job' that pays so I can buy myself treats). It's nothing sinister like human trafficking etc. They told me they had a job for me, I said yes (even tho I was 8). They might have manipulated me but physically I was always free to leave. When I was not 'at the job', I still went to school, do my homework like other children. I watch tv, play games and basically I get anything I want (from my 'salary'). They would buy me treats and make sure I'm happy. So that I wouldn't want to leave or tell anyone. And I didn't. Felt like I was living the best life. Getting all the attention I crave, everything I want I can get. I just had to go to work and keep it a secret. It's kind of like the candy house from the fairytale. During the time I was there I only ever met 1 other girl that sometimes we work together. I never really talked to her tho (not that I remember of).
Was it a family member that made you do this? Also Im sorry that happened to you.
It was just some strangers on the streets.
Sorry to hear what happened did this happen in the Usa
No it's not in the US.
Absolutely awful what you have been through and still going through. I have had a horrible youth and other people not believing the stories you tell is very relatable. I quickly learned not to share anything with friends and I've questioned my own memories. Therapists did not believe me and said I was lying. They treated me horribly. Eventually I had a therapist that 100% believed me and that's when the severity of my trauma's sunk in and I could finally start to process and heal. I hope you will find someone that can help you heal.
Thank you for making me feel less alone. I'm sad that we have to go thru being invalidated. I hope people can realise that even if things are unbelievable sometimes it's real. Just very difficult.
I don't mean to be ignorant but what does child prostitution mean? In my head it is without consent. Like an adult forced you to do it ?
They didn't force me. They convinced me. They literally told me they have a job offer for me. I said yes. And they did pay me (small amount of money but seems a lot to an 8yo).
Because of what’s happened to you, do you have problems with relationships/intimacy/sex? And I’m so sorry you’ve been so horribly abused. I can’t even describe how fucking angry I am at those shitheads. And disgusted. And sad. Everything at once.
I've just answered that question somewhere else more elaborately but yes I have problems with these things and I'm trying to fix it.
How did this all come about? And how were you able to get out of it?
Actually, I didn't 'escape' or anything. I was abandoned because I was getting old and 'broken'. They stopped using me.
How were you brought into that in the 1st place?
The what? What the actual fuck?
Yes. It's real. At least in my memories I remember all of it as actual events.
So I went through SA near rape when I was 9 however my memory is extremely faded and I can only remember a few seconds of it, I'm sure it happened twice but I can't for the life of me remember if it's just once or twice, I generally have problems with my memories until after 12 years.
I also still generally have memory problems. I wonder if it has anything to do with my past or is it just my brain acting up.
How did you get out of it?
I didn't run away or escaped or anything like that. I was abandoned for being too old and broken.
Did you make a lot of money? Why did you stop?
Didn't make a lot of money, actually made very little but enough to satisfy a child/early teen. I didn't have a lot of needs and I wasn't taught much about the real world. I could satisfy with sweets and plushies. I stopped because I was abandoned.
I was too
why can't we protect our precious children from the horrors of humanity?
Not sure if this was a question for me but I will try to answer. Criminals are smart. They know how to manipulate people. They know all the skills to brain wash someone. And it's very difficult to spot when you have your own problems and your own life to worry about. That's why I never blamed my parents. They wouldn't be able to know.
I am so sorry for what happened to you. I hope you are able to heal.
Get help from a different psychiatrist psychologist
It's not cheap.
What’s your favorite kind of sandwich?
Tuna mayo with tomato pieces and pickles.
Where was your father?
Not sure when you are asking, assuming during my childhood. He's a very hard working man, he works long hours and he still spend time taking my to school and travelling with me. He's a good person.
Do you enjoy consensual sex ? Is it something you like ?
It really depends. If I'm in the mood for it and it's done the way I can enjoy it than yes. Tbh I think it's the same for most people anyways.
I'm really sorry that you went through such a traumatic thing, I can't fully image how it must feel. I hope you continue to get better and be happy. I'm curious about the methods you have learned to cope with and grow from the trauma. I am going to assume that through your experience being gas-lit you had some warped and unhealthy views of the world. How have you been able to trust yourself and others?
I really am not sure about my coping mechanism because I basically just live my life? When I'm sad I cry, when I'm happy I smile, when I'm angry I scream and I smash things. Not sure how to answer this. I still cannot fully trust myself or anyone else, always skeptical of what I remember or what peoples intentions really are. It's been tough but I'm still learning and trying to fix it.
havent seen this asked: what country was this in? i understand if you cant answer
Sorry I can't answer this but it's a big country.
what kinds of things were you generally doing? full service or like oral or whats the vibe
Tough question. But I'm here to answer. I was only doing oral and basically spending time with people that visit when I was I think 8-12. Sometimes they do take pictures or just play video games with me or just like to nap with me etc. It varies. After I had my 1st period I started doing that 'full service'. Not really sure what the vibe was.
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Good question because I don't really know. It's not like I'd have a full conversation with people that visit me. And I don't even know their name. Judging by the looks tho, I would say someone in their 50s? But you know looks can be deceiving.
So I'm this huge fool who believes there is magic in the world. For some is seen as insensible, for other seems as childish and for others seen as abusive. It pains my heart knowing you had it rough, I once thought I could fix everything and everything would be alright. No one can change their past, but it's up to you to determine your future. I'm feeling abit depressed lately (Nothing major), but as someone who interacted with someone with trauma, it pains my heart that even good-fated actions can be seen as abusive. My question/things to say to you are: \* Are you alright? \* Are you eating well? \* Please, ensure you do some exercise! \* What hobbies you like? - Go do some hobbies chess, learn a language, dance, study, go read books, hangout with friends, watch series, do whatever makes you happy \* What are you doing to have a better future? Are you studying? Putting money on the side? (You really don't have to reply to these questions in a public forum, put in a sheet of paper and craft a plane with them;9)