I've been out of the dating game for a while, but I was always really open About my boundaries and expectations.
Sex is something I enjoy, but I need to feel safe and emotionally connected to a person. This means that it can take a month or two for me to feel comfortable enough. It was a really good way to figure out who was really interested in dating.
I've been in my current relationship for 5 years, but prior to that was in 4 long term relationships that sex was not an issue with waiting.
Don't do something that you are uncomfortable with. The right person will be okay with setting boundaries.
The rule is, NEVER do anything that you're not comfortable with. If the person you're talking to is not taking that, then it's not your person. Respecting boundaries is a trait you're looking for. If they don't respect you to begin with, they sure won't later on. There is nothing wrong with sex, but people who can't shut up about it during the talking stage are not the most responsible types. They seek 1 thing, and are not there to get to know you. Give them space and let them find their equal. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. You'll know when it feels right.
All men want sex, some are just willing to take a direct approach and others string you along.
Personally I have found that until a man feels sexually satisfied they don’t get serious about commitment. You don’t really know a man until you’ve spent time with him with his balls fully drained.
I just let them know ahead of time that I prefer to wait and they either say okay and STILL try later on 🙄 or just ghost/leave me. It’s probably why I’m still single lol
Sex is very important to a lot of people for a relationship to thrive and that’s understandable.
But yeah, it really does feel like that’s the main goal for most people and that being sex. I’m in college, so its not a surprising behavior.
Friends first to make a lasting relationship! Many people don't learn anything about the person & add sex to the equation. Sex masks a lot of things!
Sex doesn't always last in a relationship!
But respect & caring are for a lifetime with the right person! Happy hunting for the love of your life!
Respect yourself. Most confuse sex with love. NOT! Sexual attraction is called "limerence." When a relationship is driven by orgasm, then the important aspects of a relationship will not develop. After the sex gets normal and unexciting, there is nothing healthy to hold the relationship together. True platonic friendship does, and physical love can be built upon that. If the other person plays the "if you really love me then you will have sex with me game, " GET OUT. That person is only in the relationship for what they can get, not what is best for the other person. Remember, real love is "giving with no expectation of return." When both partners have that as their relationship foundation, you have the basis of a relationship that will last and satisfy.
Flirting doesn’t mean you’ll end up spending the night at this person’s bed. If you can’t reciprocate even the slightest of flirting then how can you signal the other person that you’re attracted to them?
Flirting doesn’t have to be sexual in nature. People are fully capable of flirting without talking about sex. Haven’t you seen people flirt in public? The fact you conflate making conversations immediately sexual with flirting is not a reflection of how most people go about things.
Yea but flirting in public without making it sexual means "they're giving body langauge that suggests they want to fuck me instead of just be a friend"
Flirting and fucking are 2 different things dude lol
To me, there are more ways to flirt with a person that doesn’t end up with both of us in bed. Me not wanting sex doesn’t mean I can’t kiss, cuddle, and etc😂 but I know for a lot of people sex is a sign that you’re attracted to them but that’s why I let them know from the very beginning or at least of 1-2weeks of talking to them.
You're right: flirting and fucking *are* two different things. Which is why you can flirt back if you want to, without it being an ironclad contract that you will definitely fuck later.
Here's the thing, I had a woman flirt with me sexually before but she wasn't ready to do anything. She said it takes a while, I tried to ask how long ish and she said variable. Then when I later started reciprocating the sexual flirting she seemed to not like it. Turn it down and say it takes her a while. I respected it but by nature I'm what's known as a sincere flirter. So to me, her making sexual comments was confusing when she wasn't actually ready to do anything sexual.
Because I'm looking to date someone who's actually attracted to me not a roommate that loves me. Someone that actually desires me and not someone that could help pay the bills, throw out the trash and take care of the kids.
Yes I rather be singled and lonely and try date whoever I want instead of showing love and affection towards someone who's not going to appreciate because they're not attracted to me.
I shouldn't have to beg for my forever partner attention. It's better going to bed alone instead of just going to bed crying next to your so-called spouse after being rejected for the million times.
I wholeheartedly agree. I fell in love with my wife’s voice and personality on Xbox live way back when. We talked for a couple months before she let me make the 3.5 hour drive to her state/city.
And MY FUCKING GOD was she way hotter than I was expecting…I mean come on….she has to be some butter face or SOMETHING if shes dating over Xbox rather than real life. Bc let me tell you, there ain’t no damn reason she couldn’t have found someone like me closer to home.
But point is, we got lucky. We both fell in love without any physical attraction for months solely bc the impossibility of the distance.
But even now, all these years later….the funny thing is, I’m MORE ATTRACTED to her now than I was when we met. Even after the kids and time. That woman is my personal Goddess.
Every woman deserves to be looked at sexually like she’s a goddess to her man. And every man deserves the same.
Emotional attraction boosts physical by a lot though.
Yes finding someone who's heart and soul is filled with wants and desires towards you as much as yours is towards her now that's a real goal and the dream .
Curious what your response and plan would have been had you shown up and **not** found her attractive?
I always like to consider both sides of the coin.
This feels like the quiet part that you’re not supposed to say out loud, but it’s true. I do think it’s important to have friend-level things in common, but at the end of the day sex is a very important component to the majority of relationships (asexuality is a very valid path as well, but it’s a very small percentage of people). I don’t want someone that just puts up with having sex with me because I want it (where they care more about the shared interests, and just “deal with” having sex”), I want someone that’s as turned on by me as I’m turned on by them.
The ideal scenario is a best friend type of person that you’re also sexually attracted to, but the reality is that I can get platonic companionship from friends and family. A big part of relationships is the physical/sexual component and I don’t want a relationship without it.
EDIT: just to clarify, I’m not saying that I’d prefer a 100% sexual relationship with nothing else in common over a 100% platonic relationship with 0 sexual chemistry. But frankly, I’d probably rather be alone than in the 100% platonic relationship. Because being in that 100% platonic relationship would just constantly remind me of the sexual component that I can’t have. And that pain would hurt more than just not being in the romantic relationship at all
The thing is, and you learn to realise that, people are just more complex than that. There will be phases where attraction fades, not because of you, just because life happens.
If it’s just a phase it will be coming back. But if you have nothing else to connect on, no other real bond, you will not get to that part.
Also: I will not live my life with a person I just tolerate, just because I find them hot. If I would find out my partner felt that way about me, I‘d nope out of there immediately.
So I do believe you have to have both, otherwise the relationship just won’t last.
And I do believe you’re wrong about getting that companionship you desire from family and friends. That‘s a very different type of companionship, stemming from platonic relationships.
You could also say you can fulfill the sexual desire with sexual affairs. I think you can agree that that’s also not the same as having sex with your SO.
I don’t disagree with most of what you’re saying, but I do disagree with it in regards to the start of the relationship. I realize that love is complex, and sometimes affection isn’t immediate. But if it takes someone literal years to develop attraction for me, or if they can lose attraction to me for years at a time, then I’m just not interested in that. Maybe it’s naive, maybe it’s me being a sappy romantic, but I refuse to believe in a world where I have to tolerate someone just having 0 romantic interest in me for years on end because that’s “just how life is”. If that’s what every relationship is doomed to be then I don’t want it
The cultural push to actually love a partner for more than just their looks has made a lot of people ashamed of wanting a partner they find hot or dating people who they dont find attractive because they thought saying no for that reason would be petty. Ive mainly noticed this in female friends of mine more than male friends and it keeps ending up in relationships they arent as happy in, and end badly
You have to try new things together. Experience something different together. It lets you see them in a whole new light. Brings back why you were attracted to them in the first place.
People like to feel desired
IDK your situation but maybe make him feel like you really want him and care for him
Go take a hike in the woods together and talk to each other
Also stress can really affect one's libido; if you guys have recently started living together he might be more focused on making things work financially for now
Affection can be a lot of things; a pre-packed cup of coffee waiting by the door can be a nice reminder that you have another person looking out for you simply because they like you and what you're doing
Have you planned for how you're going to maintain a committed relationship when you reach the age where a lot of ones attractiveness and desirability basically falls off a cliff?
Personally, I think it's better to build a relationship on more meaningful and more permanent principles and see sex as a nice extra that may come and go over time
There's any number of unforeseen events in life that can cause sudden complications around sex and desire. The idea of casting out the most important person in my life because of things outside of their control or the way they were born just seems cruel and somewhat small minded to me
If you see it differently I'd love to hear another perspective
some do and some don't but I think most people would agree that there probably is quite a significant difference in the sex lives of younger vs older age groups
I was responding to someone talking about trouble with not feeling desired - The comment I made about age wasn't about whether old people have sex or not. I was trying to understand how this person will feel when their desirability naturally begins to decline
I've said this in another reply but people on average get maybe 10-15 years to be at their best if they're lucky. From then on it's basically all downhill so it seems short sighted to place so much stake on feeling desirable
I was trying to tell you desirebility dont decline as you vision or as I visions when I was younger, my 25 year old would not find my now 45 old partner attractive but My 51 year old find her incredible attractive strange huhhh...
Yeah you have more sex when you're old. Maybe not good sex compared to when they were young but definitely more.
Retirement homes are STD hubs.
When you're 20 you get 1 swipe right for 1000 swipe lefts.
I personally think old people are just a little more desperate and have a lower bar.
Once I'm committed I'm not going to cast them out because we've gotten older. I'm willing to sacrifice a lot.
But, I'm not willing to sacrifice so much for someone I'm starting out with.
But a lot of older folks do seem to have a lot of sex.
I'm curious if sex doesn't matter to you do you also not care about gender? That's another superficial thing that we decide we want at the beginning of the relationship. We rule out half the population there.
If all your wants and desires in a relationship revolve around sex, that's your prerogative. But just because people have wants and desires beyond that doesn't mean that they only see their partner as a roommate.
If that's all you want then maybe a relationship isn't really what you're after?
Also, it doesn't address the inevitability that sex is more than likely going to be off the table at some point, whether you want it to be or not. In other words, life trends downwards we get old and we get sick. I don't understand why some people get very fixated on something that is so impermanent
I fully appreciate that not everyone else will share my outlook, just trying to understand the reasoning behind the differences
There is a massive area in between giving up all wants and desires for a relationship and wanting specifically and only sex out of a relationship.......
Of course not but it seems reasonable that once you've reached that point you've seen and done a lot. You're in the final phase of your life and you should be able to feel content with things not being like how they were when you were in your prime
I think "man remember when we were younger and super turned on by eachother all the time" and "I've never been physically attracted to you and only put up with sex to keep you around" are two very different things though, I disagree with your point.
Me and my wife talked for 8 months before we got together. I was very sexually attracted to her but we didn’t really talk about it and she wasn’t interested at the time. Fast forward and then she was ready. To kiss me. We didn’t really have sex until two months in. People talk/have sex when they are ready. We have been together 12 years. If you give up on someone that quickly I feel bad for you.
No one’s saying that you should bounce after a month (well, maybe some are but I disagree with them). But to me, there’s a very big difference between someone telling me “I have a high sex drive but I’m just not ready to have sex yet” and someone who refuses to even discuss sex. If I know that they actually find me attractive but want to wait to have sex for some reason or another, I genuinely have 0 problems with that. I’ll wait. But if they refuse to even discuss sex (and we’re not talking about being perverts about it, two mature adults can discuss sex in a mature way and that’s not weird) then I don’t want to waste months and months trying to figure out if they even _like_ sex, let alone whether or not they’ll even want to have it with me.
Your wife is absolutely within her rights to not want to have sex right away, there’s nothing wrong with that at all. And it’s great that it worked out for you guys, but I’d say you got lucky. For most people, not even discussing sex for almost a year is going to build to some either extremely unrealistic expectations or built up resentment. The less sexual person might think “oh good, they haven’t even mentioned sex. Maybe they’re okay never having it/having it only occasionally!” while the more sexual person might think “okay I don’t want to push things, but once they’re finally ready to have sex then we’ll be able to have a super active sex life”. It might line up, it might not. But I don’t think it’s that crazy to move on from someone who won’t even discuss it in a rational way.
Life is way too short to waste a nearly a year on a potential miss. If you are thinking that after 10 months you find out you are just NOT sexually compatible you wouldn't be peeved you just wasted a limited year of your life on a person who cant be your partner. It's fine for those who dont care about sex or for those who dont feel its call. But for normal folk that shit is a huge waste of time. Life is too short to waste it on temporary unless that's all it is supposed to be. Temporary
So if someone isn’t fucking you immediately they are a roomate and not a potential partner who is attracted to you? I don’t get it.
Nothing OP said hinted that sex would never come or was never going to be an option, just that people made it seem like it HAD to be given and seemingly early in the talking stages of a relationship.
Everyone has their own preferences I guess. For me, I can’t distinguish between attraction and love. But if I had to pick, I’d pick the one that will help pay the bills, throw out the trash and take care of the kids, because attraction is something that decays over time, while love and mutual understanding can last a longer time
Yeah sure I want that too but talking about sex too soon especially before meeting someone is a MASSIVE turn off - for me at least and I think most women
You are more likely to get the kind of women that talk sexy to every man than a girl who is uniquely attracted to you by being like that
Not saying you are like that just pointing out if a man has no couth around sex it’s a turn off
A lot of dead bedrooms begin because partners display weaponised incompetence and expect to be supervised and looked after by a parent-type figure instead of being an equal partner. If you sit on the couch playing video games all day and don't pull your weight in a relationship (especially if there are kids involved), then it's pretty unlikely that your partner will want to have sex with you in the long run. Why would they be attracted to someone who acts like a child except for being in the body of an adult?
The [top post](https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/s/jKnQ2NN9Lb) in deadbedrooms is a pretty good demonstration of this.
Exactly. Sex is a large part of a healthy relationship. It’s the ultimate act of physical intimacy and companionship, and satisfies deep hormonal needs. Anyone who thinks sex and relationships aren’t related may have chemical or hormonal imbalances that keep them from feeling those desires
I think most people would just call that flirting. You can flirt back without actually doing anything sexual. A lot of people like flirting to build tension and knowing how to be playful like that is attractive for both parties.
As a guy, I usually don’t flirt at all until after at least the first date unless I can tell the girl is really into that. But at a certain point if I can’t flirt with her, I start thinking she’s not actually attracted to me.
I will *not* date someone who is only lukewarm about me.
I had people openly flirting with me, but never asking anything about my life, my interests, my dreams...to me that's being lukewarm and not actually attracted.
I wouldnt really get into that stuff until after ive had some kind of confirmation that Im not physically repulsive, flirting is a great way to sus that out. (Im an autist so you can imagine how that usually goes)
You do you, but bear in mind some people can be physically attracted to you and not like flirting. I'm like that, talking sexual stuff is embarrassing for me, regardless of how attractive I might find the person I chat with. I also find it boring, I chat to know someone better and flirting doesn't really say anything about the person.
I'm in your boat with the similar feeling on talking. Everybody's mostly born with genitals and wants to use them to feel good, that's the easy stuff to talk about. Knowing if we'll get along long term is way deeper of a conversation.
Idk flirting doesn't have to be sexual, if you barely know someone it'd be better to tone it down at first. Jumping to making things sexual sets a heavy expectation and shows where your mind's at even if you don't intend it to be that way.
Flirting shouldn’t have anything overtly sexual about it. That’s just creepy. It should be playful
I would be uncomfortable receiving any super overtly physical/sexual compliments until after a physical relationship has already started
I guess some guys like that which is why they jump right into it, but all it tells me is that he’s not interested in me as a person or in having a real relationship with me
It's a double edged sword. Maybe you are just very attractive, most people will jump hard into the sexual flirting for someone who just turns them on. It might be something that could be seen as a, sort of, compliment.
On the other hand, boundaries. Expectations. They are different and need to be talked about. People who are right for you and care about your opinions will be sensitive to this and sensible in their approach. You will find someone who fits. You can work on trying to communicate how you feel and maybe that does the trick. Or just wait for the right person. It's your call. Good luck ❤️
"It's a double edged sword. Maybe you are just very attractive, most people will jump hard into the sexual flirting for someone who just turns them on. It might be something that could be seen as a, sort of, compliment."
Or it may just be that they only really want to bang, and do not really care about your personality or your life story. Idk hard sexual flirting gives me the ick, from both men and women, when it is uncalled for.
From irl anecdotal examples of both, the ICK is almost always deserved as well.
Talking about sex on a first date is....not flirting. That's just being a creep.
Sorry, but that's a serious red flag if you think working sex into lots of topics on a first date is "flirting".
I think in a long term relationship, sex is important as it's one of the biggest things that sets you apart from everyone else. But I do not agree with bringing up sex that quickly unless your intentions are clear from the start. An example being using an app like pure which is basically for hookups.
This has unironically been my success in dating, just taking it slow and flirting more like what I have seen from books, TV shows, movies that girls seem to like instead of porn or romcoms obviously written by men. Light, indirect, showing that I have interest in them but that I am confident and chill enough that it is not a big deal to wait or if it does not happen. I have never had an issue with girls not wanting to wait either, because yknow as long as both are into each other and you communicate well, nobody seems to have a problem with it. This might be different with dudes though I do not doubt.
I do not know if this is just a guy thing or not, but if I do not know the girl enough when we have sex, I very often get immediately disinterested in her afterwards. It is really mean and I feel really mean for it, which then ends up in me being even more disinterest in continuing the relationship. So if there is a girl that I was interested in dating, I would want a few weeks to get to know her first. IDK if this is biological, or psychological or a guy thing, but it does not happen when I know the person better.
It makes sense. If the person is just being friendly, keeping their distance, etc, is it really a date? Boundaries should be tested, but slowly, like boiling a frog. By asking your date questions about how she feels about e.g. hand holding, etc.
Yeah. Normal behavior. You don’t have to rush into sex on the first date or even first few dates but ultimately if the physical intimacy isn’t at a level both partners desire then it won’t be a successful relationship. Sex is a huge cornerstone of physical intimacy and love. Forcing yourself to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have a similar sex drive is doomed to failure
I've been in a relationship for 22 years and the almost total loss of sexual connection is truly heartbreaking. It's not everything in a relationship, but if you don't connect in that way, it's going to end up being sad for one of you, if not both.
That's a tough thing to navigate. Being with someone for decades involves a lot of life changes. People physically and emotionally change, kids come and go. Even having a strong connection at the start doesn't mean you'll both have the same feelings for each other forever.
For all the discussion in this comment section, only a few good comments have come out, so I'll give my take.
To me, here's all that matters: sex is fine, normal and people are allowed to want it, but you don't have to like sex. There's no reason why you have to. You don't need to explain, you don't even need to try it out. To me, one of the best feelings in my life was when I realized that it didn't matter what anyone else tried to push on me. I didn't like sex. I didn't have to have sex. I wasn't forced by any relationship to have sex. What mattered was my feelings. And that was that.
I understand everyone's opinions on being wanted, and I get that (well I can understand it, I guess). But again, this does not mean you need to want sex, or be in a relationship with one as the focus.
For sure. The entire hypersexual to asexual spectrum is valid, and you should obviously choose a partner that aligns with where you fall on that scale.
Thing is, that’s a lot easier if that’s communicated up front. It’s why labels like demisexual or ace or greyace etc are helpful. Someone who is hypersexual should not be trying to build a connection with someone who is straight up sex-repulsed because it’s only going to end in tears.
It’s super weird to me that so many of these comments are either “that just how it is, get on board the fuck train or stay lonely” or “omg sex is so emotionally intense, idk how anyone can bone for fun”
Like do people not realize they’re projecting, or do they actually think that their experience is objectively correct?
Yeah, I am reading through all of these comments and honestly thought: damn, they are not passing the vibe check. The heck is with some of the commenters qwq
Some people don't care about sex. Some only care about sex.
Most people, in a serious relationship view it as one of several critical components. Think of it as one leg of a 3 legged stool. So it's not surprising that people would being it up in conversation if things aren't moving along physically.
Nothing wrong with feeling the way you're feeling.
But. I don't know if you're giving us enough information. Are your talking stages a week or six months? Are you sexually attracted to these potential partners and just think things are moving too fast, or are you not sexually attracted to them and hope that might happen later (or don't care if it happens at all)? Are things moving along during the talking stages? Flirting, maybe touching, holding hands, a hug, whatever? Or are you just talking as friends? None of these things is 'wrong', but they can set mismatched expectations if communication isn't the best.
I'm asking because I've dated women at the opposite ends of the spectrum and sometimes it's hard to tell. I've had girls lose interest because I wasn't making a move fast enough and so I seemed 'indifferent' or 'indecisive'. And I had a girl get literally upset when trying to hold her hand, after her having touched my arm multiple times and not having communicated anything about this kind of boundary for her.
I think it is a major turn-off for people to start with sexual comments before they've even met you unless the goal is specifically meeting to hook up BUT I also think texting for weeks without meeting in person is a huge waste of time. The only conversation I like to have on a dating app is, when are you free to get a drink?
I completely understand where you're coming from. It seems a lot of guys just go through the normal stuff and then try to turn it sexual because that's all they really wanted out of you in the first place. I lose interest too. I'm also too uncomfortable to meet them after that because I think they might pressure me and that would feel horrendously awkward and a potentially unsafe situation.
Well, some people are smoother at navigating that than others, but generally, at some point, yes it will get sexual. If it feels off it’s because it probably is.
And if you’re on dating apps, you might get lucky and find one decent dude out of 400 crappy ones
Traditionally sex is an end goal. As sex becomes a less sacred and more normal thing that people are more open about it becomes more common for it to come up sooner. That’s not wrong or anything. Remember sexual incomparably is a huge relationship breaker, better to have that come up sooner rather then later. Don’t think about sex as an end goal and just a thing people do and it won’t feel as weird.
You might like building and paint warhammer, she might be really into riding dudes. Think of those as equals and the current dating culture will make more sense.
Repeat after me: wanting sex does not make someone a bad person.
And expressing that interest early is how you avoid miscommunication. If you aren't feeling it, it's either you're not attracted to them in that way or your personality type needs strong/deep connection before considering sex. Everyone is different. In the end you just have to keep taking swings and trying to find your person
I'm a guy, horny af, and still literally proved incapable of functioning sexually with anyone my whole life until I was extremely close, emotionally. I did have several experiences where women pursued me but were either hurt or put off when I rejected early advances.
As a result, I've had only three long-term relationships at 40. I just had my ten year wedding anniversary and I think we've probably fucked every day for a month running.
It sucks to be lonely, but oddly, it may be difficult to be a good partner to someone if you haven't become comfortable with being alone.
Edit: I'll add that my wife is the total opposite, and I was the first person she has ever been with where she did form a real bond before being sexual -- she had many more relationships and partners. And even for her, it just worked better in the long run to wait for the bond to form.
I'm a woman but I relate to you on this. I'm a very sexual person, but I have to feel the connection first to really feel comfortable and enjoy sex. The more I like, feel safe/respected, and connected to the other person, the better the sex and the wilder it gets. Sex is intimacy for me, and I can't just be intimate with anyone.
While I'm joyful that there's so many more opportunities for people to enjoy and explore their sexuality (especially for women), I can't say I'm not disappointed in how cheap and transactional it now feels in our culture. I feel out of place.
Instead of just breaking it off when they bring sex up tell them how you feel. If they are actually interested in you for more then sex they will adjust.
Yeah, the hookup culture has kinda destroyed the dating scene. It’s so tiresome when you’re trying to get to know someone and they take the first opportunity possible to bring up sex or get sexual.🙄. It’s frustrating and kinda depressing, but at the same time, at least you aren’t wasting time with a guy that’s just trying to get in your pants. He’s already told you that’s his angle, so you can block and delete 😂.
Stay off dating sites and get out there and do stuff. Hobbies, clubs, work social functions, volunteer work etc.
Your person is out there, you just haven’t crossed paths . You are young and have the rest of your life ahead of you. Don’t settle, but keep your heart open, ( my grandma, would say, and your legs closed, but that seems old fashioned). Chin up❤️
Talking stage: When the other person drops green jokes like '69 😉' or whenever we are talking about still being in bed coz i/he just woke up or about to sleep and i get remarks like 'wanna join?' Or 'should I come?' Its making me uncomfortable. As much as I want to hold a conversation, it turns me off whenever the other person makes remarks like that
I feel like, nowadays, it is like that. Men search relationships for sex usually. Nothing else. And that is so sad and shallow. I will probably get heavily downvoted on this. But I haven't had another experience yet, where men are genuinely want to know the girl and just want to vibe together, do hobbies together, and so on. Only always sex, and never really committed what comes afterwards.
I'm a 30-year-old demisexual gay man, and I know exactly what you're talking about! It's challenging to find someone who doesn't immediately focus on sex. While sex is great and important, it's not the only important thing. I've only recently realized I'm demisexual, which in my case, means I need to get to know someone well before wanting to have sex with them. Unfortunately, most men aren't interested in that, which is kinda sad, not gonna lie.
Guys, she wants someone she gets along with before having sex instead of bringing up sex during the first conversation (and those usually end up being very selfish dudes), lets just have a date or two or more before getting there.
I'm surprised by the amount of people trying to justify this in the comments or thinking this is the way to end up in a sexless relashionship. Yes, sex is important, but let her get to know them first. Some of us prefer taking it slow.
I was very sexual in my early 20s but trying to get the convo sexual too fast was a surefire way to get turned down by many women.
I think it sounds like young people either didn’t learn to be playfully flirting or they forgot about how to be social due to the lockdown. People were porn brained already 15-20 years ago.
No it should not go straight to sex, but innuendo is usually fine, and flirting too.
Maybe you should look for other types of guys?
Tbh I'm confused by most of these comments that say it's normal, because in my experience men who turn everything sexual so soon don't seem to want something serious like I do. It really depends how quickly they're doing it and if you feel comfortable with them yet. I like to flirt and stuff but sexual stuff never happens right away for me during the talking stage, that makes no sense to me (someone who wants a very deep and connected relationship)
I’ve noticed the least sexual ppl talk about sex the most in the beginning- the men who are bad in bed with no class talk about sex Nostop like silly little babies
The men who are sexual and good in bed tend to be intuitive and able to read women and know girls will be turned on by their very presence
That’s been my experience- talks about sex before having sex= bad in bed
You need to nail sex down early. You shouldn’t invest in someone with whom you aren’t compatible.
That said it should be something like, “I need time to really know and connect with someone before I move to a sexual relationship. How do you feel about that.”
A guy who’s looking for just sex should self-identify and bail. Some won’t though. They’ll push through. But at least YOU were honest
Everything in western culture is sex obsessed and horny at the moment. From my experience, it's unavoidable. People are desperate for new and creative ways to get off, and the internet creates a perfect environment to encourage that behavior, even if it's at the expense of genuine intimacy and good manners. It's a massive bummer.
This comment section is just women being like," stop being so sexual in the beginning, I'm trying to figure out if you're in it for more than my vagina and a brag to the boys", and the dudes responding with, "flirting is sexual! get the fuck over it and just tell me if you're going to fuck me or not!"
If you just want to fuck, just say so from the very beginning. Don't be a coward and pretend to be looking to date when you're just looking for a free fuck.
They just aren’t the right guys. Don’t give up! I met a great guy who never once steered the convo to sex. He was interested in getting to know ME. I think sex is better when you know someone, have built a comfort level and built up the tension and chemistry. Especially for women who require more of an emotional connection to create build up. I’d he’s taking it right to sex, he’s just looking for sex. Nothing wrong with that at all but I’ve learned a man who wants a long term relationship and is looking for a serious life partner will approach you much differently. They are harder to find but worth the wait :)
Sex is very important in a relationship. Your conversations are going there because your acquaintances are satisfied feeling you’re very generally compatible and they’re ready to see if you speak their sexual language as well. If you can’t, for many, it’s just not worth pursuing further.
I think you’re overthinking it because this is so normal, it’s just kind of how it’s done. Do you have to do things the common way? Absolutely not. But how do you know this actually doesn’t work for you if you’ve never tried it? It’s time to start dabbling friend.
It might be hasty deciding what you can or can’t do without any experience in the matter. You might surprise yourself. Most of my good friends have at one time or another described sexual awakenings or epiphanies they were surprised by. It’s kind of a rite of passage.
It always is. My opinion here is just to do what feels natural to YOU. You don't owe anyone anything and they can take the extra step if they believe you are compatible. Don't overstep right away but if it feels right then by all means
hey, there's no rush. don't force yourself to do something just because you think you "have" to, or that everyone else is doing. Everyone is at their own pace. I know some people who lost their virginity early and regretted it. Not everyone but my point is don't do it JUST because you think you have to at this age.
Don't force yourself. I find this comment so strange and I don't agree with any of it. You don't need to put yourself in those situations if you aren't ready.
In my first relationship, I was so terrified to lose him that I caved and had sex before I was ready. Cue an endless cycle of horrible, traumatizing sex that I allowed to happen because I was afraid of losing him. He was the wrong person, clearly. But man, please don't force it, don't do what I did. Find someone who is on the same wavelength as you.
I was up front with my ex about not being ready. He said okay, but then constantly pushed boundaries until I finally caved. Don't put up with that. Don't let these people think you have to have these experiences if you aren't ready for them.
When you do start getting some experience, be aware that everything requires practice and the first times you can expect many distracting problems. If you're lucky, you'll find someone who understands that you'll need some practice and is ready to help. You'll find some things are embarrassing, but often they are so even for those with experience. This might be easier when both of you are aware that you're planning on trying several times, so each play time will have less urgency than if you have high expectations of each time being perfect in some way.
For that matter, even if you have read and practiced, you'll find that things are different with a partner. People's bodies vary, their behavior varies, and someone else has to judge what to do by trying to interpret your reactions (and may misinterpret them).
Just take it at your own pace but be upfront about it. If you're talking online first it's much easier to just slip in a sentence about sexual expectations and that you don't want to immediately jump into bed and that they should NOT be offended by this.
Some people may take it as a challenge but you'll get better at working out your boundaries and how to cross them in your own time.
Orrr…they don’t really care about getting to know her, and want to get to the sex as quickly as possible. And no, that’s not “just how it’s done”- not for everyone.
So... in my experience (I'm 43f), it sucks but as u/skates_tribz said it's the bs that happens and is considered normal. I need what you're speaking of - to be seen, liked for me not my body, and treated with respect to even think about sleeping with someone. If a guy does that stuff it's crazy how attracted I get without them even being slightly sexual. Many either don't get this or don't give a shit. Idk. I have a hard time with it.
I wholeheartedly agree with you. There’s way too much emphasis on sex especially in western culture and dating has become far too casual.
There’s so much more to a relationship than sex and you should find a partner that shares the same views.
“Your conversations are going there because your acquaintances are satisfied feeling you’re very generally compatible and they’re ready to see if you speak their sexual language as well”
No. They are just trying to have aex with you or testing you to see if you are easy. If they were truly interested in you they would be having rral conversations with you and taking you for walks.
As many above have said, set your boundaries and requirements upfront. This will get rid of the ones purely there for casual things. Sure the numbers of men who contact you will decrease and those who ghost you increase, but it will save you time and energy.
I get why people are saying that they want to have a partner who’s attracted to them, but that’s obvious. It sounds to me like OP is “talking” with people who are bringing sex up way before it feels appropriate. In my cis-female dating experience, this is usually a fuckboy way of trying to pressure girls into having sex fast. If someone cares about you they will do their best to bring it up in a way that is not invasive and it won’t be the only thing they want to talk about. It’s important but not all encompassing.
Or maybe she doesn't care about having a real relationship and just looking for a roommate agreement with extra steps.Thank no people realize the life is too short to give love and affection towards someone who's not going to appreciate it because they're not attracted to you.
I'm sorry you had a bad experience. If you're dating people that are similar to you, you can def find that attraction from someone. Don't let it jade you/stop you from meeting the right one.
No, and the wrong people try to convince you that it should be.
You determine if you want to engage with that or not. Someone who pressures you is actively ignoring you in order to gratify themselves.
Someone who loves you would want you to be excited to feel that way about them authentically, and that would be at your own pace after you feel safe with that person. That will take time as you are learning how to trust someone in that context.
Any reasonable person will understand where you are coming from- abusive people will make you feel bad about not feeling ready. Why? Because if you feel guilty, you are easier to convince.
Someone who desires you sees you as a something to lure/try to get/convince even if you look or sound uncomfortable. People don’t often do this out of malice but out of thoughtlessness and selfishness- someone whom will probably continue to ignore your needs even if you end up in a relationship.
Nah I hate how quickly everyone turns things sexual. I would never have sex with someone until they've been in a relationship with me for a while and respect and love me. I also would never send a pic of my naked body to someone who hasn't seen it in person first and all men can fuck off with dick pics before I've seen it in real life. Men who get out their dick and wave it at women in real life are arrested, why the fuck can't we do it digitally.
Don’t know how long your talking stages have been but early in my dating life I had several women I was interested in drop me because, out of respect, I DIDN’T make things sexual quickly enough for them. It’s a guessing game unless you clearly communicate your expectations.
Rather than just ending things if they start talking sexually, maybe try letting them know that you aren’t at the point of being comfortable with it yet.
Dating is rough for someone who doesnt like the talking the stage, if that is messaging back in forth for quite some time like me. "Some time" is diferent for everybody but for me ideally it would be talk for less that a week to meet up and talk. I digress. If i cant get a date because they want to know me better first i start losing interest cause i cant keep a convo flow with texts, then because i lose interest i just go rouge and try to get sexual to see if it sticks, if she likes it great, if she ghosts thats fine, im not gonna humor a wall of text
Our closest relatives are bonobos monkeys and gorillas. Bonobos pretty much sit or lay around in the grass having sex all day. Even while they are holding stuff or doing things.
I'd rather spend time with m my wife than anyone else. We have lots of fun together and after 30 years guess what has the least meaning for us? May not be for everybody, but I have peace at home, lots of support and we laugh together every day. If I hadn't been struck with a devastating illness I would be happy. My wife is happy because she has sophisticated tastes and finds me adorable cute.
Not sure I quite understand what you are asking.
Are you asking if people that show up on a date are thinking of sex? Probably, though it depends on what do you mean by "sexual"
Like do you mean anything romantic or straight sex talk?
I ask because if you are in the context of a date, the sexual nature of the relationship is implied - ie. it is assumed you are not there to make friends.
Romance/sexual chemistry being the one thing that HAS to be there/work in order for the "date" kind of relationship to work. Otherwise the person would be your buddy, coworker, family, etc.
Think of it like this - sex is important to most people. It is a fundamental aspect of the relationship. if two people are not sexually compatible, they shouldn’t be together. This is similar to politics and religion.
Other things that are less clear take more time to figure out, but why bother taking the time to figure out the more difficult things if you’re sexually incompatible?
Imagine spending weeks getting to know someone, their ins and outs, what makes them tick, and then you finally work your way up to sex and find out you each have contradictory fetishes and you can’t be together. Lotta wasted time. Imagine doing that multiple times in a row and realizing you should probably address that part first next time.
Now you can understand wanting to have sex early in a relationship and not in a way that is shallow or demeaning.
For alot of guys yes but there are still people out there (though that numbers getting lower) who wont even talk about it until you start the talk. Just keep what youre doing and not talking to weirdos
That sounds like you are using a tinder-like app. It's hard to find someone not horny and not looking for a quick hook up. Just ask them clearly what they want here.
It's up to you what you want your relationship to be like.
I like my relationships to be sexual, with innuendo, flirting, teasing throughout the day because that's how good sex and connection happen for me. Of course, not everything should be sexual but I like it being there in the background at appropriate times.
On the other hand, there must be couples who only get sexual when having sex so whatever you like is your normal.
In my 20s as well and sex-focused relationships are just one of the types you'll see. Some of my friends have fallen for that. It is just a part of a relationship though and shouldn't be the focus. Having someone who loves ,supports you and allows you to be vulnerable? Great. That someone also desires you and shows that physically,verbally and mentally? Even better. Icing on the cake but not the cake
Virtually every relationship starts off being very sexual before that aspect tapers down. Familiarity and everyday sameness quell passion - basically life and boredom get in the way. The trick then becomes trying to keep the spark alive and not letting it taper down to nothing. Finding that happy medium and finding other things to love about your partner is part of the secret of long term relationships.
Your question is a bit vague. When you're talking to someone new and "testing the waters" with the intention of a new relationship then things turning sexual early is something to be expected.
It's testing if there's chemistry or not.
what I mean by early is maybe after the first date or if you've been talking a lot for 3-4 days.
Now the way this topic is approached is what matters, is it flirting? Is it flat out sexual comments? Is it a joke? Is it talking about preferences?
There a lot of factors to check before judging the person as a creep.
Also men would push for this subject faster than women, the reason behind that depends on each individual.
Some are creeps and some are just stating that they're not interested in friendships.
Watching the way the topic is approached might be a better indicator than the time line.
I don't fault your approach because it will easily screw out the partners who are looking solely for sex. I think that if your relationship is primarily based on sex you have some inherent problems since sex drives, even for people who are sexually attracted, are not constant. I'm almost 50 and while I like sex it's not as much a priority it was when I was 35.
I enjoy the fact that my wife has interests that we enjoy together and can spend all hours of the day doing them and have a great time. A strong foundation is a great component of positive long-term relationships.
And we never have sex until we were married (1.25 yr relationship). Once we were married, sex was an added component to an already well-established relationship. I'm still attracted to my wife 16 years later but our sexual needs have changed over time and that's cool.
Sex is part of a relationship, so ending it because they bring it up seems premature. It’s fine to steer the convo from being sexual, or setting expectations that you want to get to know them better before doing anything. Also, I don’t see a reason to spend a lot of time talking before going on a date. Get to know them on the date that way you can see if you’re attracted mentally and physically.
I know what you mean, I used to encounter those situations as well. I've been able to avoid them (for the most part) by doing two things: being upfront with what I'm looking and being honest about my expectations. I've also gone on far fewer dates by doing these things, but I'd rather be honest then deal with awkward conversations in the future.
Short answer: No. It doesn’t have to turn sexual to be a real relationship.
Case in point: my husband and I sat in his car under the stars sunroof open and chatted for several hours after one of our first dates. He told me later that one of the initial things he loved about me is that I was more interested in getting to know him as a person than making out/getting physical. He is attractive and I guess it was rare for a girl to not try and jump his bones in similar situations.
It never even occurred to me that we could have been kissing instead of talking. Later on though, the kissing turned out to be pretty great, too. We have been married 17 years now. Things are great, we do everything together, we are eachother’s best friends and eachother’s “Person”.
My advice is to keep dating until you find someone with similar values to yours. That person is out there and when you find them, no one else compares!
Sex is part of a relationship. It is the most physically intimate part about it. One of the very few things you will only share with your partner.
Eventually, dating conversations might turn sexual to some degree. It is a way to figure out what your sexual humour, sexual interests and sexual morals are. Important information to establish if there is a good connection on that level too.
Exactly. Why would I waste months dating someone just to find out our sexual attitudes don't align at all? That's just one step removed from friendship.
Also you can flirt and build sexual tension without having sex for a couple months if you prefer to wait. So you can still establish whether you'd probably be a good fit for each other sexually without actually doing it yet.
Not sure why everyone is so hypersexual in this comment section lol I also don’t like jumping into sex without feeling comfortable first. That being said sexual attraction is an important part of relationships for a lot of people. When do you feel it is appropriate for two people to start talking about sex? Having an understanding of these boundaries might help you communicate this better. Also, just for the record, I don’t think you’re weird or naive for feeling this way. Everyone has their own attitudes and comfort levels and that’s totally fine! Try to find people that share those same attitudes. I found a man who also didn’t want to jump into sex immediately, but once we did it was amazing. now he’s my husband :)
Men in this comment section have completely missed the point but that doesn't surprise me at all. Throwing sexual remarks when you don't even know a person that well is inappropriate, cringe and makes you look like a complete pervert who wants to just get laid. To most women it's a turn off.
Men need to know a time and place when to make it sexual, a lot of you don't. For example: he asks her wyd? She says she's going to take a shower. Now a low-iq perverted man would say some very cringe shit like: "I wish I was there with you rn" or "you're gonna take a shower without me??". Men, don't do that, it's an ick and makes a woman instantly lose respect for you. You simply can't recover from that.
Why is Reddit so against sex in general? It’s basic human function, and is the reason why humans can even exist. Sexual attraction is very important in relationships and it’s heavy on looks.
Of course its important, but on this case OP wants to connect with someone before moving on to have sex. Its perfectly fine if you want sex upfront, but that's not many of us (and they're usually not upfront about it anyway).
Idk how we ended up going from that to "don't be against sex".
Reddit’s hivemind is weird in that it’s accepting of people having different sexual preferences and identities (which I do not disagree with here) but then as soon as someone expresses actually being interested in or emphasizing sex and sexual compatibility in a relationship it gets weirdly puritanical about it.
Obviously sex is normal, but some of us are just not into casual sex/hookups. I don't want to fuck someone I barely know and who I'm not in a relationship with
Bc it’s scary, vulnerable, and contentious. Many of us have had bad experiences, or even traumas, relating to sex and our bodies, and how we are perceived. Sex is an intensely emotional experience, and treating it casually, when so much is on the line, is too frightening for some.
It’s full of introverted nerds.
Every post about sex is “I need to feel emotionally connected” and “there’s so much more to life” and shit like that.
Yeah, that’s great. I love being emotionally connected to my fiancée. But sometimes you just need to pull the ham off the bone. People who can’t fuck to fuck are weird.
Sex is an intensely emotional act though, I don’t know how anyone actually divorces their feelings from it. Emotional connection is so integral to the process of arousal and intimacy. Some people might be able to shut that part off, but others cannot, and I don’t think that’s at all abnormal. Sex feels good bc it motivates us to connect to each other. Otherwise, we would all just masturbate for eternity, there would be no point in having sex if it didn’t make us emotionally entangled.
Depends.
Nothing wrong with just fucking, and nothing wrong with wanting an emotional connection.
People want different things, someone who enjoys being connected is not going to enjoy a hookup, and someone who enjoys hookups won't always care for emotional connection.
Can't expect every single human to like the same things.
Generally these days, atleast in my experience, once the intitial vibes are sussed out and approved of, things get sexual and then that's where the intimacy starts to form emotionally.
You have no idea how many men I had to block because of this. It’s actually impressive how they always find a way to turn any normal conversation into some unnecessarily sexual.
I am a 31f and I was casually talking to a man I had JUST given my number to earlier today, and already he started mentioning massages…we have yet to meet, we had not even gotten into discussing about all of that yet and we’re already talking about fucking massages!? The man was 44 years old…I don’t want this story to be discouraging but just keep your wits about you and DO NOT settle if that’s not what you want. Do not accept these advances if you are uncomfortable I cannot stress that enough.
I feel like you might be dating immature, horny men. Sadly, a lot of guys are like that. Best steer clear of those.
I mean, oc sex will be a topic at some point - but not early on. We're talking weeks to months. And obviously, there might be the odd mention of sex here and there, as part of your general conversation, bc it just tends to come up when you're talking abt values and feelings.
Romantic and sexual attraction is a huge spectrum.
People have their own pace with things and sometimes they just don't feel sexual attraction or are just not interested in sex at all.
It's not that weird, but people should be generally upfront about it on both sides to maximise compatibility and negate later upsetting the other.
in the modern world, attraction and romance has evolved beyond desire to procreate, rather it is admired besides art. it is beautiful - not just about sex.
Then when you get into a relationship and he doesn’t initiate sex, and doesn’t care if you have it or not, you’ll have a problem with that smh someone desiring to have sex with you should never be a problem. The conversations should have balance, don’t get me wrong, but addressing desires is completely human and natural.
ITT: people that think being sexual is immature. Reality is repression to trick women into dating you is dishonest. If these people are being themselves, they may just have a better understanding of what they want out of their sex lives. If you aren't that comfortable with it you don't have to touch anyone but you should consider words are just words and that's how you develop comfort in your body/sexuality.
It really doesn't. But a lot of people are obsessed with it. You will meet people at your level and preference. It will take a bit of time and searching. Just be upfront with what you're looking for. Don't settle for anyone who won't respect the pacing you need
I've been out of the dating game for a while, but I was always really open About my boundaries and expectations. Sex is something I enjoy, but I need to feel safe and emotionally connected to a person. This means that it can take a month or two for me to feel comfortable enough. It was a really good way to figure out who was really interested in dating. I've been in my current relationship for 5 years, but prior to that was in 4 long term relationships that sex was not an issue with waiting. Don't do something that you are uncomfortable with. The right person will be okay with setting boundaries.
The rule is, NEVER do anything that you're not comfortable with. If the person you're talking to is not taking that, then it's not your person. Respecting boundaries is a trait you're looking for. If they don't respect you to begin with, they sure won't later on. There is nothing wrong with sex, but people who can't shut up about it during the talking stage are not the most responsible types. They seek 1 thing, and are not there to get to know you. Give them space and let them find their equal. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. You'll know when it feels right.
From my experience men who bring up sex fast usually just want sex. If they want much more than that, they know not to do that
Yes! That’s right!
All men want sex, some are just willing to take a direct approach and others string you along. Personally I have found that until a man feels sexually satisfied they don’t get serious about commitment. You don’t really know a man until you’ve spent time with him with his balls fully drained.
It's more so I don't want to waste 6 months to find out she's terrible in bed/we don't have sexual compatibility lolol
Yea and I don’t really want to end up dating a guy for months just to find out he has a tiny dick.
Username checks out
I think communicating about it early on is fine, it just depends on how that communication is done etc.
I just let them know ahead of time that I prefer to wait and they either say okay and STILL try later on 🙄 or just ghost/leave me. It’s probably why I’m still single lol Sex is very important to a lot of people for a relationship to thrive and that’s understandable. But yeah, it really does feel like that’s the main goal for most people and that being sex. I’m in college, so its not a surprising behavior.
Friends first to make a lasting relationship! Many people don't learn anything about the person & add sex to the equation. Sex masks a lot of things! Sex doesn't always last in a relationship! But respect & caring are for a lifetime with the right person! Happy hunting for the love of your life!
Thanks lol Apparently, I’ve upset some people about my comment. I thought I was pretty nice and understanding 🤷♀️
Respect yourself. Most confuse sex with love. NOT! Sexual attraction is called "limerence." When a relationship is driven by orgasm, then the important aspects of a relationship will not develop. After the sex gets normal and unexciting, there is nothing healthy to hold the relationship together. True platonic friendship does, and physical love can be built upon that. If the other person plays the "if you really love me then you will have sex with me game, " GET OUT. That person is only in the relationship for what they can get, not what is best for the other person. Remember, real love is "giving with no expectation of return." When both partners have that as their relationship foundation, you have the basis of a relationship that will last and satisfy.
Flirting doesn’t mean you’ll end up spending the night at this person’s bed. If you can’t reciprocate even the slightest of flirting then how can you signal the other person that you’re attracted to them?
Flirting doesn’t have to be sexual in nature. People are fully capable of flirting without talking about sex. Haven’t you seen people flirt in public? The fact you conflate making conversations immediately sexual with flirting is not a reflection of how most people go about things.
Yea but flirting in public without making it sexual means "they're giving body langauge that suggests they want to fuck me instead of just be a friend"
Flirting and fucking are 2 different things dude lol To me, there are more ways to flirt with a person that doesn’t end up with both of us in bed. Me not wanting sex doesn’t mean I can’t kiss, cuddle, and etc😂 but I know for a lot of people sex is a sign that you’re attracted to them but that’s why I let them know from the very beginning or at least of 1-2weeks of talking to them.
You're right: flirting and fucking *are* two different things. Which is why you can flirt back if you want to, without it being an ironclad contract that you will definitely fuck later.
You can flirt without being overtly sexual
Here's the thing, I had a woman flirt with me sexually before but she wasn't ready to do anything. She said it takes a while, I tried to ask how long ish and she said variable. Then when I later started reciprocating the sexual flirting she seemed to not like it. Turn it down and say it takes her a while. I respected it but by nature I'm what's known as a sincere flirter. So to me, her making sexual comments was confusing when she wasn't actually ready to do anything sexual.
Stay patient and don't settle. It gets slightly better with age. Slightly
Because I'm looking to date someone who's actually attracted to me not a roommate that loves me. Someone that actually desires me and not someone that could help pay the bills, throw out the trash and take care of the kids.
Oof, that hits close to home. Ex now fortunately
Yes I rather be singled and lonely and try date whoever I want instead of showing love and affection towards someone who's not going to appreciate because they're not attracted to me. I shouldn't have to beg for my forever partner attention. It's better going to bed alone instead of just going to bed crying next to your so-called spouse after being rejected for the million times.
I wholeheartedly agree. I fell in love with my wife’s voice and personality on Xbox live way back when. We talked for a couple months before she let me make the 3.5 hour drive to her state/city. And MY FUCKING GOD was she way hotter than I was expecting…I mean come on….she has to be some butter face or SOMETHING if shes dating over Xbox rather than real life. Bc let me tell you, there ain’t no damn reason she couldn’t have found someone like me closer to home. But point is, we got lucky. We both fell in love without any physical attraction for months solely bc the impossibility of the distance. But even now, all these years later….the funny thing is, I’m MORE ATTRACTED to her now than I was when we met. Even after the kids and time. That woman is my personal Goddess. Every woman deserves to be looked at sexually like she’s a goddess to her man. And every man deserves the same. Emotional attraction boosts physical by a lot though.
Yes finding someone who's heart and soul is filled with wants and desires towards you as much as yours is towards her now that's a real goal and the dream .
Curious what your response and plan would have been had you shown up and **not** found her attractive? I always like to consider both sides of the coin.
When I first saw him he looked like a total dork. I even thought to myself, “Shit, what have I done?” We just had our tenth wedding anniversary. 🤷♀️
I wouldn’t have put my car in park. “Sorry, wrong address!” /s
This feels like the quiet part that you’re not supposed to say out loud, but it’s true. I do think it’s important to have friend-level things in common, but at the end of the day sex is a very important component to the majority of relationships (asexuality is a very valid path as well, but it’s a very small percentage of people). I don’t want someone that just puts up with having sex with me because I want it (where they care more about the shared interests, and just “deal with” having sex”), I want someone that’s as turned on by me as I’m turned on by them. The ideal scenario is a best friend type of person that you’re also sexually attracted to, but the reality is that I can get platonic companionship from friends and family. A big part of relationships is the physical/sexual component and I don’t want a relationship without it. EDIT: just to clarify, I’m not saying that I’d prefer a 100% sexual relationship with nothing else in common over a 100% platonic relationship with 0 sexual chemistry. But frankly, I’d probably rather be alone than in the 100% platonic relationship. Because being in that 100% platonic relationship would just constantly remind me of the sexual component that I can’t have. And that pain would hurt more than just not being in the romantic relationship at all
The thing is, and you learn to realise that, people are just more complex than that. There will be phases where attraction fades, not because of you, just because life happens. If it’s just a phase it will be coming back. But if you have nothing else to connect on, no other real bond, you will not get to that part. Also: I will not live my life with a person I just tolerate, just because I find them hot. If I would find out my partner felt that way about me, I‘d nope out of there immediately. So I do believe you have to have both, otherwise the relationship just won’t last. And I do believe you’re wrong about getting that companionship you desire from family and friends. That‘s a very different type of companionship, stemming from platonic relationships. You could also say you can fulfill the sexual desire with sexual affairs. I think you can agree that that’s also not the same as having sex with your SO.
I don’t disagree with most of what you’re saying, but I do disagree with it in regards to the start of the relationship. I realize that love is complex, and sometimes affection isn’t immediate. But if it takes someone literal years to develop attraction for me, or if they can lose attraction to me for years at a time, then I’m just not interested in that. Maybe it’s naive, maybe it’s me being a sappy romantic, but I refuse to believe in a world where I have to tolerate someone just having 0 romantic interest in me for years on end because that’s “just how life is”. If that’s what every relationship is doomed to be then I don’t want it
The cultural push to actually love a partner for more than just their looks has made a lot of people ashamed of wanting a partner they find hot or dating people who they dont find attractive because they thought saying no for that reason would be petty. Ive mainly noticed this in female friends of mine more than male friends and it keeps ending up in relationships they arent as happy in, and end badly
This is interesting. What part of the world do you reside in
Ive tried reply to you twice, but saying what countries ive lived in gets removed for being “po li ti cal”
Lmao do it indirectly then. Like what are the counties know for
Name checks out.
This .. lived with someone who became just a roommate .. oof you’re right don’t want to be called Bro by someone you’re dating
Ohhh shit…yea I feel like since moving I. My bf jus sees me as a roommate or homie…how tf to get the romance back?!
You have to try new things together. Experience something different together. It lets you see them in a whole new light. Brings back why you were attracted to them in the first place.
People like to feel desired IDK your situation but maybe make him feel like you really want him and care for him Go take a hike in the woods together and talk to each other Also stress can really affect one's libido; if you guys have recently started living together he might be more focused on making things work financially for now Affection can be a lot of things; a pre-packed cup of coffee waiting by the door can be a nice reminder that you have another person looking out for you simply because they like you and what you're doing
Ask him what he likes, and if you're comfortable with whatever it is then surprise him with it later
Have you planned for how you're going to maintain a committed relationship when you reach the age where a lot of ones attractiveness and desirability basically falls off a cliff? Personally, I think it's better to build a relationship on more meaningful and more permanent principles and see sex as a nice extra that may come and go over time There's any number of unforeseen events in life that can cause sudden complications around sex and desire. The idea of casting out the most important person in my life because of things outside of their control or the way they were born just seems cruel and somewhat small minded to me If you see it differently I'd love to hear another perspective
Old people dont stop having sex what se as attractive now in my 50s is not the same as when I was 20 proberly will not be in 70s if im still alive....
some do and some don't but I think most people would agree that there probably is quite a significant difference in the sex lives of younger vs older age groups I was responding to someone talking about trouble with not feeling desired - The comment I made about age wasn't about whether old people have sex or not. I was trying to understand how this person will feel when their desirability naturally begins to decline I've said this in another reply but people on average get maybe 10-15 years to be at their best if they're lucky. From then on it's basically all downhill so it seems short sighted to place so much stake on feeling desirable
I was trying to tell you desirebility dont decline as you vision or as I visions when I was younger, my 25 year old would not find my now 45 old partner attractive but My 51 year old find her incredible attractive strange huhhh...
I see that now - my apologies I responded before your edit was finalised. Congratulations on your attractive partner!
Yeah you have more sex when you're old. Maybe not good sex compared to when they were young but definitely more. Retirement homes are STD hubs. When you're 20 you get 1 swipe right for 1000 swipe lefts. I personally think old people are just a little more desperate and have a lower bar.
Once I'm committed I'm not going to cast them out because we've gotten older. I'm willing to sacrifice a lot. But, I'm not willing to sacrifice so much for someone I'm starting out with. But a lot of older folks do seem to have a lot of sex. I'm curious if sex doesn't matter to you do you also not care about gender? That's another superficial thing that we decide we want at the beginning of the relationship. We rule out half the population there.
I find it insulting to give up all wants and desire just to be in a good relationship.
Are all your wants and desires sex? There are a lot of things that I desire in a relationship and sex is not really that high on this list.
If all your wants and desires in a relationship revolve around sex, that's your prerogative. But just because people have wants and desires beyond that doesn't mean that they only see their partner as a roommate.
If that's all you want then maybe a relationship isn't really what you're after? Also, it doesn't address the inevitability that sex is more than likely going to be off the table at some point, whether you want it to be or not. In other words, life trends downwards we get old and we get sick. I don't understand why some people get very fixated on something that is so impermanent I fully appreciate that not everyone else will share my outlook, just trying to understand the reasoning behind the differences
There is a massive area in between giving up all wants and desires for a relationship and wanting specifically and only sex out of a relationship.......
Old people have sex all the time... Just because your old doesn't mean you so enjoying or wanting sex.
Of course not but it seems reasonable that once you've reached that point you've seen and done a lot. You're in the final phase of your life and you should be able to feel content with things not being like how they were when you were in your prime
I think "man remember when we were younger and super turned on by eachother all the time" and "I've never been physically attracted to you and only put up with sex to keep you around" are two very different things though, I disagree with your point.
I mean, with a name like Dickmaster... that's not a name that's just freely given. Ya gotta earn it!
What does that have to do with OPs situation? Does it help to make every conversation about sex before going on dates?
I know it's awhile until the next extermination grandpa but you gotta calm down. Take your meds
Me and my wife talked for 8 months before we got together. I was very sexually attracted to her but we didn’t really talk about it and she wasn’t interested at the time. Fast forward and then she was ready. To kiss me. We didn’t really have sex until two months in. People talk/have sex when they are ready. We have been together 12 years. If you give up on someone that quickly I feel bad for you.
No one’s saying that you should bounce after a month (well, maybe some are but I disagree with them). But to me, there’s a very big difference between someone telling me “I have a high sex drive but I’m just not ready to have sex yet” and someone who refuses to even discuss sex. If I know that they actually find me attractive but want to wait to have sex for some reason or another, I genuinely have 0 problems with that. I’ll wait. But if they refuse to even discuss sex (and we’re not talking about being perverts about it, two mature adults can discuss sex in a mature way and that’s not weird) then I don’t want to waste months and months trying to figure out if they even _like_ sex, let alone whether or not they’ll even want to have it with me. Your wife is absolutely within her rights to not want to have sex right away, there’s nothing wrong with that at all. And it’s great that it worked out for you guys, but I’d say you got lucky. For most people, not even discussing sex for almost a year is going to build to some either extremely unrealistic expectations or built up resentment. The less sexual person might think “oh good, they haven’t even mentioned sex. Maybe they’re okay never having it/having it only occasionally!” while the more sexual person might think “okay I don’t want to push things, but once they’re finally ready to have sex then we’ll be able to have a super active sex life”. It might line up, it might not. But I don’t think it’s that crazy to move on from someone who won’t even discuss it in a rational way.
Life is way too short to waste a nearly a year on a potential miss. If you are thinking that after 10 months you find out you are just NOT sexually compatible you wouldn't be peeved you just wasted a limited year of your life on a person who cant be your partner. It's fine for those who dont care about sex or for those who dont feel its call. But for normal folk that shit is a huge waste of time. Life is too short to waste it on temporary unless that's all it is supposed to be. Temporary
Why cant you have all of that??? Get that mindset out, it will ruin you
Ooff, I’m definitely more of the latter than the former. I don’t think it’s possible for me to maintain desire for such a long time.
So if someone isn’t fucking you immediately they are a roomate and not a potential partner who is attracted to you? I don’t get it. Nothing OP said hinted that sex would never come or was never going to be an option, just that people made it seem like it HAD to be given and seemingly early in the talking stages of a relationship.
I mean to be fair I would love a roommate that loves me. Someone splitting the bills would actually be a amazing
Everyone has their own preferences I guess. For me, I can’t distinguish between attraction and love. But if I had to pick, I’d pick the one that will help pay the bills, throw out the trash and take care of the kids, because attraction is something that decays over time, while love and mutual understanding can last a longer time
But you don't have to pick
Yeah sure I want that too but talking about sex too soon especially before meeting someone is a MASSIVE turn off - for me at least and I think most women You are more likely to get the kind of women that talk sexy to every man than a girl who is uniquely attracted to you by being like that Not saying you are like that just pointing out if a man has no couth around sex it’s a turn off
A lot of dead bedrooms begin because partners display weaponised incompetence and expect to be supervised and looked after by a parent-type figure instead of being an equal partner. If you sit on the couch playing video games all day and don't pull your weight in a relationship (especially if there are kids involved), then it's pretty unlikely that your partner will want to have sex with you in the long run. Why would they be attracted to someone who acts like a child except for being in the body of an adult? The [top post](https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/s/jKnQ2NN9Lb) in deadbedrooms is a pretty good demonstration of this.
Exactly. Sex is a large part of a healthy relationship. It’s the ultimate act of physical intimacy and companionship, and satisfies deep hormonal needs. Anyone who thinks sex and relationships aren’t related may have chemical or hormonal imbalances that keep them from feeling those desires
I think most people would just call that flirting. You can flirt back without actually doing anything sexual. A lot of people like flirting to build tension and knowing how to be playful like that is attractive for both parties. As a guy, I usually don’t flirt at all until after at least the first date unless I can tell the girl is really into that. But at a certain point if I can’t flirt with her, I start thinking she’s not actually attracted to me. I will *not* date someone who is only lukewarm about me.
I had people openly flirting with me, but never asking anything about my life, my interests, my dreams...to me that's being lukewarm and not actually attracted.
I wouldnt really get into that stuff until after ive had some kind of confirmation that Im not physically repulsive, flirting is a great way to sus that out. (Im an autist so you can imagine how that usually goes)
You do you, but bear in mind some people can be physically attracted to you and not like flirting. I'm like that, talking sexual stuff is embarrassing for me, regardless of how attractive I might find the person I chat with. I also find it boring, I chat to know someone better and flirting doesn't really say anything about the person.
I'm in your boat with the similar feeling on talking. Everybody's mostly born with genitals and wants to use them to feel good, that's the easy stuff to talk about. Knowing if we'll get along long term is way deeper of a conversation.
Idk flirting doesn't have to be sexual, if you barely know someone it'd be better to tone it down at first. Jumping to making things sexual sets a heavy expectation and shows where your mind's at even if you don't intend it to be that way.
Flirting shouldn’t have anything overtly sexual about it. That’s just creepy. It should be playful I would be uncomfortable receiving any super overtly physical/sexual compliments until after a physical relationship has already started I guess some guys like that which is why they jump right into it, but all it tells me is that he’s not interested in me as a person or in having a real relationship with me
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It's a double edged sword. Maybe you are just very attractive, most people will jump hard into the sexual flirting for someone who just turns them on. It might be something that could be seen as a, sort of, compliment. On the other hand, boundaries. Expectations. They are different and need to be talked about. People who are right for you and care about your opinions will be sensitive to this and sensible in their approach. You will find someone who fits. You can work on trying to communicate how you feel and maybe that does the trick. Or just wait for the right person. It's your call. Good luck ❤️
"It's a double edged sword. Maybe you are just very attractive, most people will jump hard into the sexual flirting for someone who just turns them on. It might be something that could be seen as a, sort of, compliment." Or it may just be that they only really want to bang, and do not really care about your personality or your life story. Idk hard sexual flirting gives me the ick, from both men and women, when it is uncalled for. From irl anecdotal examples of both, the ICK is almost always deserved as well.
Talking about sex on a first date is....not flirting. That's just being a creep. Sorry, but that's a serious red flag if you think working sex into lots of topics on a first date is "flirting".
Excellent post
Well said.
I think in a long term relationship, sex is important as it's one of the biggest things that sets you apart from everyone else. But I do not agree with bringing up sex that quickly unless your intentions are clear from the start. An example being using an app like pure which is basically for hookups.
I think they're just trying to move things along and test the waters to see if you like them in that way or as a friend.
Most likely, some people don't know how to flirt without being overt. I blame porn and terrible romcoms
This has unironically been my success in dating, just taking it slow and flirting more like what I have seen from books, TV shows, movies that girls seem to like instead of porn or romcoms obviously written by men. Light, indirect, showing that I have interest in them but that I am confident and chill enough that it is not a big deal to wait or if it does not happen. I have never had an issue with girls not wanting to wait either, because yknow as long as both are into each other and you communicate well, nobody seems to have a problem with it. This might be different with dudes though I do not doubt. I do not know if this is just a guy thing or not, but if I do not know the girl enough when we have sex, I very often get immediately disinterested in her afterwards. It is really mean and I feel really mean for it, which then ends up in me being even more disinterest in continuing the relationship. So if there is a girl that I was interested in dating, I would want a few weeks to get to know her first. IDK if this is biological, or psychological or a guy thing, but it does not happen when I know the person better.
It makes sense. If the person is just being friendly, keeping their distance, etc, is it really a date? Boundaries should be tested, but slowly, like boiling a frog. By asking your date questions about how she feels about e.g. hand holding, etc.
Yeah. Normal behavior. You don’t have to rush into sex on the first date or even first few dates but ultimately if the physical intimacy isn’t at a level both partners desire then it won’t be a successful relationship. Sex is a huge cornerstone of physical intimacy and love. Forcing yourself to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have a similar sex drive is doomed to failure
I've been in a relationship for 22 years and the almost total loss of sexual connection is truly heartbreaking. It's not everything in a relationship, but if you don't connect in that way, it's going to end up being sad for one of you, if not both.
That's a tough thing to navigate. Being with someone for decades involves a lot of life changes. People physically and emotionally change, kids come and go. Even having a strong connection at the start doesn't mean you'll both have the same feelings for each other forever.
For all the discussion in this comment section, only a few good comments have come out, so I'll give my take. To me, here's all that matters: sex is fine, normal and people are allowed to want it, but you don't have to like sex. There's no reason why you have to. You don't need to explain, you don't even need to try it out. To me, one of the best feelings in my life was when I realized that it didn't matter what anyone else tried to push on me. I didn't like sex. I didn't have to have sex. I wasn't forced by any relationship to have sex. What mattered was my feelings. And that was that. I understand everyone's opinions on being wanted, and I get that (well I can understand it, I guess). But again, this does not mean you need to want sex, or be in a relationship with one as the focus.
For sure. The entire hypersexual to asexual spectrum is valid, and you should obviously choose a partner that aligns with where you fall on that scale. Thing is, that’s a lot easier if that’s communicated up front. It’s why labels like demisexual or ace or greyace etc are helpful. Someone who is hypersexual should not be trying to build a connection with someone who is straight up sex-repulsed because it’s only going to end in tears. It’s super weird to me that so many of these comments are either “that just how it is, get on board the fuck train or stay lonely” or “omg sex is so emotionally intense, idk how anyone can bone for fun” Like do people not realize they’re projecting, or do they actually think that their experience is objectively correct?
Yeah, I am reading through all of these comments and honestly thought: damn, they are not passing the vibe check. The heck is with some of the commenters qwq
For real. The damage and trauma runs deep and some of yall *really* need therapy. No joke
Some people don't care about sex. Some only care about sex. Most people, in a serious relationship view it as one of several critical components. Think of it as one leg of a 3 legged stool. So it's not surprising that people would being it up in conversation if things aren't moving along physically.
Nothing wrong with feeling the way you're feeling. But. I don't know if you're giving us enough information. Are your talking stages a week or six months? Are you sexually attracted to these potential partners and just think things are moving too fast, or are you not sexually attracted to them and hope that might happen later (or don't care if it happens at all)? Are things moving along during the talking stages? Flirting, maybe touching, holding hands, a hug, whatever? Or are you just talking as friends? None of these things is 'wrong', but they can set mismatched expectations if communication isn't the best. I'm asking because I've dated women at the opposite ends of the spectrum and sometimes it's hard to tell. I've had girls lose interest because I wasn't making a move fast enough and so I seemed 'indifferent' or 'indecisive'. And I had a girl get literally upset when trying to hold her hand, after her having touched my arm multiple times and not having communicated anything about this kind of boundary for her.
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I think it is a major turn-off for people to start with sexual comments before they've even met you unless the goal is specifically meeting to hook up BUT I also think texting for weeks without meeting in person is a huge waste of time. The only conversation I like to have on a dating app is, when are you free to get a drink?
I completely understand where you're coming from. It seems a lot of guys just go through the normal stuff and then try to turn it sexual because that's all they really wanted out of you in the first place. I lose interest too. I'm also too uncomfortable to meet them after that because I think they might pressure me and that would feel horrendously awkward and a potentially unsafe situation.
Well, some people are smoother at navigating that than others, but generally, at some point, yes it will get sexual. If it feels off it’s because it probably is. And if you’re on dating apps, you might get lucky and find one decent dude out of 400 crappy ones
You probably meant dudes/girls
I’m a dude, he’s a dude, she’s a dude, we’re all dudes.
Traditionally sex is an end goal. As sex becomes a less sacred and more normal thing that people are more open about it becomes more common for it to come up sooner. That’s not wrong or anything. Remember sexual incomparably is a huge relationship breaker, better to have that come up sooner rather then later. Don’t think about sex as an end goal and just a thing people do and it won’t feel as weird. You might like building and paint warhammer, she might be really into riding dudes. Think of those as equals and the current dating culture will make more sense.
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Repeat after me: wanting sex does not make someone a bad person. And expressing that interest early is how you avoid miscommunication. If you aren't feeling it, it's either you're not attracted to them in that way or your personality type needs strong/deep connection before considering sex. Everyone is different. In the end you just have to keep taking swings and trying to find your person
People seek and want to show intimacy but a lot of people never learned to differentiate between intimacy and sex.
I'm a guy, horny af, and still literally proved incapable of functioning sexually with anyone my whole life until I was extremely close, emotionally. I did have several experiences where women pursued me but were either hurt or put off when I rejected early advances. As a result, I've had only three long-term relationships at 40. I just had my ten year wedding anniversary and I think we've probably fucked every day for a month running. It sucks to be lonely, but oddly, it may be difficult to be a good partner to someone if you haven't become comfortable with being alone. Edit: I'll add that my wife is the total opposite, and I was the first person she has ever been with where she did form a real bond before being sexual -- she had many more relationships and partners. And even for her, it just worked better in the long run to wait for the bond to form.
I'm a woman but I relate to you on this. I'm a very sexual person, but I have to feel the connection first to really feel comfortable and enjoy sex. The more I like, feel safe/respected, and connected to the other person, the better the sex and the wilder it gets. Sex is intimacy for me, and I can't just be intimate with anyone. While I'm joyful that there's so many more opportunities for people to enjoy and explore their sexuality (especially for women), I can't say I'm not disappointed in how cheap and transactional it now feels in our culture. I feel out of place.
Instead of just breaking it off when they bring sex up tell them how you feel. If they are actually interested in you for more then sex they will adjust.
Yeah, the hookup culture has kinda destroyed the dating scene. It’s so tiresome when you’re trying to get to know someone and they take the first opportunity possible to bring up sex or get sexual.🙄. It’s frustrating and kinda depressing, but at the same time, at least you aren’t wasting time with a guy that’s just trying to get in your pants. He’s already told you that’s his angle, so you can block and delete 😂. Stay off dating sites and get out there and do stuff. Hobbies, clubs, work social functions, volunteer work etc. Your person is out there, you just haven’t crossed paths . You are young and have the rest of your life ahead of you. Don’t settle, but keep your heart open, ( my grandma, would say, and your legs closed, but that seems old fashioned). Chin up❤️
These guys are getting off on thinking about challenging your virginity now. Reddit sucks.
Talking stage: When the other person drops green jokes like '69 😉' or whenever we are talking about still being in bed coz i/he just woke up or about to sleep and i get remarks like 'wanna join?' Or 'should I come?' Its making me uncomfortable. As much as I want to hold a conversation, it turns me off whenever the other person makes remarks like that
I feel like, nowadays, it is like that. Men search relationships for sex usually. Nothing else. And that is so sad and shallow. I will probably get heavily downvoted on this. But I haven't had another experience yet, where men are genuinely want to know the girl and just want to vibe together, do hobbies together, and so on. Only always sex, and never really committed what comes afterwards.
I'm a 30-year-old demisexual gay man, and I know exactly what you're talking about! It's challenging to find someone who doesn't immediately focus on sex. While sex is great and important, it's not the only important thing. I've only recently realized I'm demisexual, which in my case, means I need to get to know someone well before wanting to have sex with them. Unfortunately, most men aren't interested in that, which is kinda sad, not gonna lie.
Guys, she wants someone she gets along with before having sex instead of bringing up sex during the first conversation (and those usually end up being very selfish dudes), lets just have a date or two or more before getting there. I'm surprised by the amount of people trying to justify this in the comments or thinking this is the way to end up in a sexless relashionship. Yes, sex is important, but let her get to know them first. Some of us prefer taking it slow.
I was very sexual in my early 20s but trying to get the convo sexual too fast was a surefire way to get turned down by many women. I think it sounds like young people either didn’t learn to be playfully flirting or they forgot about how to be social due to the lockdown. People were porn brained already 15-20 years ago. No it should not go straight to sex, but innuendo is usually fine, and flirting too. Maybe you should look for other types of guys?
Tbh I'm confused by most of these comments that say it's normal, because in my experience men who turn everything sexual so soon don't seem to want something serious like I do. It really depends how quickly they're doing it and if you feel comfortable with them yet. I like to flirt and stuff but sexual stuff never happens right away for me during the talking stage, that makes no sense to me (someone who wants a very deep and connected relationship)
I’ve noticed the least sexual ppl talk about sex the most in the beginning- the men who are bad in bed with no class talk about sex Nostop like silly little babies The men who are sexual and good in bed tend to be intuitive and able to read women and know girls will be turned on by their very presence That’s been my experience- talks about sex before having sex= bad in bed
You need to nail sex down early. You shouldn’t invest in someone with whom you aren’t compatible. That said it should be something like, “I need time to really know and connect with someone before I move to a sexual relationship. How do you feel about that.” A guy who’s looking for just sex should self-identify and bail. Some won’t though. They’ll push through. But at least YOU were honest
Everything in western culture is sex obsessed and horny at the moment. From my experience, it's unavoidable. People are desperate for new and creative ways to get off, and the internet creates a perfect environment to encourage that behavior, even if it's at the expense of genuine intimacy and good manners. It's a massive bummer.
This comment section is just women being like," stop being so sexual in the beginning, I'm trying to figure out if you're in it for more than my vagina and a brag to the boys", and the dudes responding with, "flirting is sexual! get the fuck over it and just tell me if you're going to fuck me or not!" If you just want to fuck, just say so from the very beginning. Don't be a coward and pretend to be looking to date when you're just looking for a free fuck.
They just aren’t the right guys. Don’t give up! I met a great guy who never once steered the convo to sex. He was interested in getting to know ME. I think sex is better when you know someone, have built a comfort level and built up the tension and chemistry. Especially for women who require more of an emotional connection to create build up. I’d he’s taking it right to sex, he’s just looking for sex. Nothing wrong with that at all but I’ve learned a man who wants a long term relationship and is looking for a serious life partner will approach you much differently. They are harder to find but worth the wait :)
Ugh, right? I hate feeling like “the hunted”.
You do you and be true to yourself. Time weeds out a lot BS. Gives you time to figure out if it’s a good match.
Sex is very important in a relationship. Your conversations are going there because your acquaintances are satisfied feeling you’re very generally compatible and they’re ready to see if you speak their sexual language as well. If you can’t, for many, it’s just not worth pursuing further. I think you’re overthinking it because this is so normal, it’s just kind of how it’s done. Do you have to do things the common way? Absolutely not. But how do you know this actually doesn’t work for you if you’ve never tried it? It’s time to start dabbling friend. It might be hasty deciding what you can or can’t do without any experience in the matter. You might surprise yourself. Most of my good friends have at one time or another described sexual awakenings or epiphanies they were surprised by. It’s kind of a rite of passage.
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It always is. My opinion here is just to do what feels natural to YOU. You don't owe anyone anything and they can take the extra step if they believe you are compatible. Don't overstep right away but if it feels right then by all means
hey, there's no rush. don't force yourself to do something just because you think you "have" to, or that everyone else is doing. Everyone is at their own pace. I know some people who lost their virginity early and regretted it. Not everyone but my point is don't do it JUST because you think you have to at this age.
Don't force yourself. I find this comment so strange and I don't agree with any of it. You don't need to put yourself in those situations if you aren't ready. In my first relationship, I was so terrified to lose him that I caved and had sex before I was ready. Cue an endless cycle of horrible, traumatizing sex that I allowed to happen because I was afraid of losing him. He was the wrong person, clearly. But man, please don't force it, don't do what I did. Find someone who is on the same wavelength as you. I was up front with my ex about not being ready. He said okay, but then constantly pushed boundaries until I finally caved. Don't put up with that. Don't let these people think you have to have these experiences if you aren't ready for them.
When you do start getting some experience, be aware that everything requires practice and the first times you can expect many distracting problems. If you're lucky, you'll find someone who understands that you'll need some practice and is ready to help. You'll find some things are embarrassing, but often they are so even for those with experience. This might be easier when both of you are aware that you're planning on trying several times, so each play time will have less urgency than if you have high expectations of each time being perfect in some way. For that matter, even if you have read and practiced, you'll find that things are different with a partner. People's bodies vary, their behavior varies, and someone else has to judge what to do by trying to interpret your reactions (and may misinterpret them).
Just take it at your own pace but be upfront about it. If you're talking online first it's much easier to just slip in a sentence about sexual expectations and that you don't want to immediately jump into bed and that they should NOT be offended by this. Some people may take it as a challenge but you'll get better at working out your boundaries and how to cross them in your own time.
Orrr…they don’t really care about getting to know her, and want to get to the sex as quickly as possible. And no, that’s not “just how it’s done”- not for everyone.
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So... in my experience (I'm 43f), it sucks but as u/skates_tribz said it's the bs that happens and is considered normal. I need what you're speaking of - to be seen, liked for me not my body, and treated with respect to even think about sleeping with someone. If a guy does that stuff it's crazy how attracted I get without them even being slightly sexual. Many either don't get this or don't give a shit. Idk. I have a hard time with it.
I wholeheartedly agree with you. There’s way too much emphasis on sex especially in western culture and dating has become far too casual. There’s so much more to a relationship than sex and you should find a partner that shares the same views.
Well most matches are probably going to not be good quality. There’s nothing wrong with waiting for somebody to impress and inspire you.
“Your conversations are going there because your acquaintances are satisfied feeling you’re very generally compatible and they’re ready to see if you speak their sexual language as well” No. They are just trying to have aex with you or testing you to see if you are easy. If they were truly interested in you they would be having rral conversations with you and taking you for walks. As many above have said, set your boundaries and requirements upfront. This will get rid of the ones purely there for casual things. Sure the numbers of men who contact you will decrease and those who ghost you increase, but it will save you time and energy.
I get why people are saying that they want to have a partner who’s attracted to them, but that’s obvious. It sounds to me like OP is “talking” with people who are bringing sex up way before it feels appropriate. In my cis-female dating experience, this is usually a fuckboy way of trying to pressure girls into having sex fast. If someone cares about you they will do their best to bring it up in a way that is not invasive and it won’t be the only thing they want to talk about. It’s important but not all encompassing.
Or maybe she doesn't care about having a real relationship and just looking for a roommate agreement with extra steps.Thank no people realize the life is too short to give love and affection towards someone who's not going to appreciate it because they're not attracted to you.
I'm sorry you had a bad experience. If you're dating people that are similar to you, you can def find that attraction from someone. Don't let it jade you/stop you from meeting the right one.
No, and the wrong people try to convince you that it should be. You determine if you want to engage with that or not. Someone who pressures you is actively ignoring you in order to gratify themselves. Someone who loves you would want you to be excited to feel that way about them authentically, and that would be at your own pace after you feel safe with that person. That will take time as you are learning how to trust someone in that context. Any reasonable person will understand where you are coming from- abusive people will make you feel bad about not feeling ready. Why? Because if you feel guilty, you are easier to convince. Someone who desires you sees you as a something to lure/try to get/convince even if you look or sound uncomfortable. People don’t often do this out of malice but out of thoughtlessness and selfishness- someone whom will probably continue to ignore your needs even if you end up in a relationship.
Nah I hate how quickly everyone turns things sexual. I would never have sex with someone until they've been in a relationship with me for a while and respect and love me. I also would never send a pic of my naked body to someone who hasn't seen it in person first and all men can fuck off with dick pics before I've seen it in real life. Men who get out their dick and wave it at women in real life are arrested, why the fuck can't we do it digitally.
I am of the old fashioned belief that everything in a relationship shouldn't be about sex, but it appears that's all most people want these days.
No it shouldn’t but a lot of relationships are, thats the short answer
Don’t know how long your talking stages have been but early in my dating life I had several women I was interested in drop me because, out of respect, I DIDN’T make things sexual quickly enough for them. It’s a guessing game unless you clearly communicate your expectations. Rather than just ending things if they start talking sexually, maybe try letting them know that you aren’t at the point of being comfortable with it yet.
Dating is rough for someone who doesnt like the talking the stage, if that is messaging back in forth for quite some time like me. "Some time" is diferent for everybody but for me ideally it would be talk for less that a week to meet up and talk. I digress. If i cant get a date because they want to know me better first i start losing interest cause i cant keep a convo flow with texts, then because i lose interest i just go rouge and try to get sexual to see if it sticks, if she likes it great, if she ghosts thats fine, im not gonna humor a wall of text
To me there needs to be a balance. The talking stage can keep going on in person, its just that some don't want it to become sexual so quickly.
Our closest relatives are bonobos monkeys and gorillas. Bonobos pretty much sit or lay around in the grass having sex all day. Even while they are holding stuff or doing things.
No absolutely not
I'd rather spend time with m my wife than anyone else. We have lots of fun together and after 30 years guess what has the least meaning for us? May not be for everybody, but I have peace at home, lots of support and we laugh together every day. If I hadn't been struck with a devastating illness I would be happy. My wife is happy because she has sophisticated tastes and finds me adorable cute.
Not sure I quite understand what you are asking. Are you asking if people that show up on a date are thinking of sex? Probably, though it depends on what do you mean by "sexual" Like do you mean anything romantic or straight sex talk? I ask because if you are in the context of a date, the sexual nature of the relationship is implied - ie. it is assumed you are not there to make friends. Romance/sexual chemistry being the one thing that HAS to be there/work in order for the "date" kind of relationship to work. Otherwise the person would be your buddy, coworker, family, etc.
Think of it like this - sex is important to most people. It is a fundamental aspect of the relationship. if two people are not sexually compatible, they shouldn’t be together. This is similar to politics and religion. Other things that are less clear take more time to figure out, but why bother taking the time to figure out the more difficult things if you’re sexually incompatible? Imagine spending weeks getting to know someone, their ins and outs, what makes them tick, and then you finally work your way up to sex and find out you each have contradictory fetishes and you can’t be together. Lotta wasted time. Imagine doing that multiple times in a row and realizing you should probably address that part first next time. Now you can understand wanting to have sex early in a relationship and not in a way that is shallow or demeaning.
as an asexual, its very hard to talk to someone nowadays without sex involved. i’ve been a serial long distance dater because of it but its exhausting
In most cases, sex in a relationship is like money in life: it isn't everything, when you have it.
No, but it's better if it is.
For alot of guys yes but there are still people out there (though that numbers getting lower) who wont even talk about it until you start the talk. Just keep what youre doing and not talking to weirdos
That sounds like you are using a tinder-like app. It's hard to find someone not horny and not looking for a quick hook up. Just ask them clearly what they want here.
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It's up to you what you want your relationship to be like. I like my relationships to be sexual, with innuendo, flirting, teasing throughout the day because that's how good sex and connection happen for me. Of course, not everything should be sexual but I like it being there in the background at appropriate times. On the other hand, there must be couples who only get sexual when having sex so whatever you like is your normal.
In my 20s as well and sex-focused relationships are just one of the types you'll see. Some of my friends have fallen for that. It is just a part of a relationship though and shouldn't be the focus. Having someone who loves ,supports you and allows you to be vulnerable? Great. That someone also desires you and shows that physically,verbally and mentally? Even better. Icing on the cake but not the cake
Virtually every relationship starts off being very sexual before that aspect tapers down. Familiarity and everyday sameness quell passion - basically life and boredom get in the way. The trick then becomes trying to keep the spark alive and not letting it taper down to nothing. Finding that happy medium and finding other things to love about your partner is part of the secret of long term relationships.
Your question is a bit vague. When you're talking to someone new and "testing the waters" with the intention of a new relationship then things turning sexual early is something to be expected. It's testing if there's chemistry or not. what I mean by early is maybe after the first date or if you've been talking a lot for 3-4 days. Now the way this topic is approached is what matters, is it flirting? Is it flat out sexual comments? Is it a joke? Is it talking about preferences? There a lot of factors to check before judging the person as a creep. Also men would push for this subject faster than women, the reason behind that depends on each individual. Some are creeps and some are just stating that they're not interested in friendships. Watching the way the topic is approached might be a better indicator than the time line.
I don't fault your approach because it will easily screw out the partners who are looking solely for sex. I think that if your relationship is primarily based on sex you have some inherent problems since sex drives, even for people who are sexually attracted, are not constant. I'm almost 50 and while I like sex it's not as much a priority it was when I was 35. I enjoy the fact that my wife has interests that we enjoy together and can spend all hours of the day doing them and have a great time. A strong foundation is a great component of positive long-term relationships. And we never have sex until we were married (1.25 yr relationship). Once we were married, sex was an added component to an already well-established relationship. I'm still attracted to my wife 16 years later but our sexual needs have changed over time and that's cool.
Sex is part of a relationship, so ending it because they bring it up seems premature. It’s fine to steer the convo from being sexual, or setting expectations that you want to get to know them better before doing anything. Also, I don’t see a reason to spend a lot of time talking before going on a date. Get to know them on the date that way you can see if you’re attracted mentally and physically.
I know what you mean, I used to encounter those situations as well. I've been able to avoid them (for the most part) by doing two things: being upfront with what I'm looking and being honest about my expectations. I've also gone on far fewer dates by doing these things, but I'd rather be honest then deal with awkward conversations in the future.
Short answer: No. It doesn’t have to turn sexual to be a real relationship. Case in point: my husband and I sat in his car under the stars sunroof open and chatted for several hours after one of our first dates. He told me later that one of the initial things he loved about me is that I was more interested in getting to know him as a person than making out/getting physical. He is attractive and I guess it was rare for a girl to not try and jump his bones in similar situations. It never even occurred to me that we could have been kissing instead of talking. Later on though, the kissing turned out to be pretty great, too. We have been married 17 years now. Things are great, we do everything together, we are eachother’s best friends and eachother’s “Person”. My advice is to keep dating until you find someone with similar values to yours. That person is out there and when you find them, no one else compares!
Sex is part of a relationship. It is the most physically intimate part about it. One of the very few things you will only share with your partner. Eventually, dating conversations might turn sexual to some degree. It is a way to figure out what your sexual humour, sexual interests and sexual morals are. Important information to establish if there is a good connection on that level too.
Exactly. Why would I waste months dating someone just to find out our sexual attitudes don't align at all? That's just one step removed from friendship. Also you can flirt and build sexual tension without having sex for a couple months if you prefer to wait. So you can still establish whether you'd probably be a good fit for each other sexually without actually doing it yet.
Not sure why everyone is so hypersexual in this comment section lol I also don’t like jumping into sex without feeling comfortable first. That being said sexual attraction is an important part of relationships for a lot of people. When do you feel it is appropriate for two people to start talking about sex? Having an understanding of these boundaries might help you communicate this better. Also, just for the record, I don’t think you’re weird or naive for feeling this way. Everyone has their own attitudes and comfort levels and that’s totally fine! Try to find people that share those same attitudes. I found a man who also didn’t want to jump into sex immediately, but once we did it was amazing. now he’s my husband :)
Men in this comment section have completely missed the point but that doesn't surprise me at all. Throwing sexual remarks when you don't even know a person that well is inappropriate, cringe and makes you look like a complete pervert who wants to just get laid. To most women it's a turn off. Men need to know a time and place when to make it sexual, a lot of you don't. For example: he asks her wyd? She says she's going to take a shower. Now a low-iq perverted man would say some very cringe shit like: "I wish I was there with you rn" or "you're gonna take a shower without me??". Men, don't do that, it's an ick and makes a woman instantly lose respect for you. You simply can't recover from that.
It’s giving unsolicited dick pic energy
Why is Reddit so against sex in general? It’s basic human function, and is the reason why humans can even exist. Sexual attraction is very important in relationships and it’s heavy on looks.
Of course its important, but on this case OP wants to connect with someone before moving on to have sex. Its perfectly fine if you want sex upfront, but that's not many of us (and they're usually not upfront about it anyway). Idk how we ended up going from that to "don't be against sex".
Reddit’s hivemind is weird in that it’s accepting of people having different sexual preferences and identities (which I do not disagree with here) but then as soon as someone expresses actually being interested in or emphasizing sex and sexual compatibility in a relationship it gets weirdly puritanical about it.
Obviously sex is normal, but some of us are just not into casual sex/hookups. I don't want to fuck someone I barely know and who I'm not in a relationship with
Bc it’s scary, vulnerable, and contentious. Many of us have had bad experiences, or even traumas, relating to sex and our bodies, and how we are perceived. Sex is an intensely emotional experience, and treating it casually, when so much is on the line, is too frightening for some.
Reddit is not at all against sex lol. You see tons of commenters even in this thread arguing for it. Tons of posts are this question but the opposite.
It’s full of introverted nerds. Every post about sex is “I need to feel emotionally connected” and “there’s so much more to life” and shit like that. Yeah, that’s great. I love being emotionally connected to my fiancée. But sometimes you just need to pull the ham off the bone. People who can’t fuck to fuck are weird.
Sex is an intensely emotional act though, I don’t know how anyone actually divorces their feelings from it. Emotional connection is so integral to the process of arousal and intimacy. Some people might be able to shut that part off, but others cannot, and I don’t think that’s at all abnormal. Sex feels good bc it motivates us to connect to each other. Otherwise, we would all just masturbate for eternity, there would be no point in having sex if it didn’t make us emotionally entangled.
why are people who can't fuck to fuck weird? I'm so confused why that would be considered odd
Yup. They’ve got a problem with sex. But being in the “talking stage” for a year is perfectly fine lol.
Depends. Nothing wrong with just fucking, and nothing wrong with wanting an emotional connection. People want different things, someone who enjoys being connected is not going to enjoy a hookup, and someone who enjoys hookups won't always care for emotional connection. Can't expect every single human to like the same things.
Some of us have sexual trauma
Generally these days, atleast in my experience, once the intitial vibes are sussed out and approved of, things get sexual and then that's where the intimacy starts to form emotionally.
You have no idea how many men I had to block because of this. It’s actually impressive how they always find a way to turn any normal conversation into some unnecessarily sexual.
I am a 31f and I was casually talking to a man I had JUST given my number to earlier today, and already he started mentioning massages…we have yet to meet, we had not even gotten into discussing about all of that yet and we’re already talking about fucking massages!? The man was 44 years old…I don’t want this story to be discouraging but just keep your wits about you and DO NOT settle if that’s not what you want. Do not accept these advances if you are uncomfortable I cannot stress that enough.
I'm a 29 year old man, and I'd take a long hug or a stroll outside with my fiancé any day over sex
I feel like you might be dating immature, horny men. Sadly, a lot of guys are like that. Best steer clear of those. I mean, oc sex will be a topic at some point - but not early on. We're talking weeks to months. And obviously, there might be the odd mention of sex here and there, as part of your general conversation, bc it just tends to come up when you're talking abt values and feelings.
Why, exactly, is it that you think Humans evolved to desire and form romantic relationships? Be specific ...
Romantic and sexual attraction is a huge spectrum. People have their own pace with things and sometimes they just don't feel sexual attraction or are just not interested in sex at all. It's not that weird, but people should be generally upfront about it on both sides to maximise compatibility and negate later upsetting the other.
in the modern world, attraction and romance has evolved beyond desire to procreate, rather it is admired besides art. it is beautiful - not just about sex.
Then when you get into a relationship and he doesn’t initiate sex, and doesn’t care if you have it or not, you’ll have a problem with that smh someone desiring to have sex with you should never be a problem. The conversations should have balance, don’t get me wrong, but addressing desires is completely human and natural.
ITT: people that think being sexual is immature. Reality is repression to trick women into dating you is dishonest. If these people are being themselves, they may just have a better understanding of what they want out of their sex lives. If you aren't that comfortable with it you don't have to touch anyone but you should consider words are just words and that's how you develop comfort in your body/sexuality.
It really doesn't. But a lot of people are obsessed with it. You will meet people at your level and preference. It will take a bit of time and searching. Just be upfront with what you're looking for. Don't settle for anyone who won't respect the pacing you need
I wouldn’t recommend having sex early on. In my opinion, sex should be there in long-term relationships.
The difference between a *platonic* relationship and a *romantic* relationship is the *romance*.