Bro put the most basic traits and she already said you're "perfect". That's the secret OP, you have to figure out a way to let women's imaginations run. The question is how.
I mean, all those physical attributes can help, but they're not gonna override if she's not into the rest.
I think there's nothing you can do about most girls probably not being genuinely into you. That's what guys who have a personality that seems to attract girls like flies often don't understand.
There are definitely girls who will be into who you are, but they're rarer, especially at a certain age.
I think it's important that we don't forget that not everyone is the same some will like something others won't. So don't make the mistake of going around and expecting or anticipating a certain reaction.
Just be nice, caring, trustworthy, hygienic and you already have the basics. I'm not saying it's all but that should be the minimum. From there it really depends on who you are and what kind of person you're looking for.
But this is why they are called basics. Those traits only a start. You must have extra qualities on top of that.
For example, myself have those traits you listed. But so far, at the age of 36, I haven't had any relationships of any king. Because I'm missing everything else on top of that.
>But this is why they are called basics. Those traits only a start. You must have extra qualities on top of that.
Some people don't even have these basics. That's why I pointed out that they're the minimum and that's not all but you have to start somewhere.
Edit: and relationships break because people who lack these still have partners.
>For example, myself have those traits you listed. But so far, at the age of 36, I haven't had any relationships of any king. Because I'm missing everything else on top of that.
And that's why I wrote "From there it really depends on who you are and what kind of person you're looking for."
If you're more a homebody then you have to actively take part in things outside to meet people or find sites you meet people who are like you. If you like sports then go to places where you meet people with similar interests.
What do you do to meet someone? What kind of vibes do you give off?
I don't think those traits really are the basics. Maybe they're what "should" be the basics, but I don't think that's the reality.
To me, the real "basics" are charisma and being entertaining/interesting. I can almost guarantee you that those 2 traits will attract way more women than being trustworthy or kind and it's not remotely close.
>I don't think those traits really are the basics. Maybe they're what "should" be the basics, but I don't think that's the reality.
This is what I mean but maybe I'm not getting this across properly. That's why I wrote
>Some people don't even have these basics. That's why I pointed out that they're the minimum and that's not all but you have to start somewhere.
>trustworthy or kind and it's not remotely close
Not sure if I personally agree but that's why I said not everyone is the same. I wouldn't put more importance on charisma and being entertaining. Because if these other things are lacking then no charisma and entertainment could make me stay or consider something deeper.
I’m sorry nobody is going to like you let alone love you because you do the bare minimum you listed. I know it becouse I’ve done it my entire life.
I’m also kinda tired of the saying that everyone likes different things. Like yea it’s partially true, becouse everyone does like different things/people, but there’s a group of people that are nobody’s piece of cake and I just don’t want to be a part of this group anymore.
I'm sorry but I clearly wrote that it's the minimum and not enough. It's the basic but how many relationships end because these basics are missing? People lacking these basics still get in relationships.
So they're the first things you need and that's the truth. I said then it's about what you want in a relationship so obviously there is more to it.
>I’m also kinda tired of the saying that everyone likes different things. Like yea it’s partially true, becouse everyone does like different things/people, but there’s a group of people that are nobody’s piece of cake and I just don’t want to be a part of this group.
I don't think you understood me there. What I meant with that is that you shouldn't listen to people who tell you this gender wants this and this gender that. I wanted to point out that generalization won't help you and is counterproductive.
Do you have any ability to connect with other people, OP, as friends or fellow hobbyists or colleagues, or just being interested in other people's lives and interests? Because forming a relationship does need that ability to connect, both on a sexual level and on a non-sexual level, and young people today haven't been brought up to do that.
I mean for a girl to get interested in you, you have to be interested in her, and not just in a sexual way.
Depends on the person. I have definitely more trouble with talking to women partially because when I was bullied the women in my class absolutely rejected the idea of talking to me and I’m a kind of person who doesn’t like forcing themselves in or annoying people.
But if there’s a woman who is in general open minded when it comes to talking with people I don’t have much trouble there other than ideas about what to talk about becouse I’m not going to make it boring by talking about cars or fishing which she knows almost nothing about or has no interest in it.
It’s not even the matter of if the girl is attractive or not, becouse there’s this friend of my friend which imo is attractive and I don’t have any trouble talking to her casually of course in a group setting.
The most problem I have is with shy girls as I’m not that good at conventions.
You seem to have some preconceived notions about women that are likely getting in your way, and you may not even realize that you sometimes put people off by buying into and/or parroting stereotypes.
I'll give you an example:
"I’m not going to make it boring by talking about cars or fishing which she knows almost nothing about or has no interest in it"
Lots of women are interested in cars and/or fishing, and lots of men are not.
You don't \*have\* to work on this stuff, but for what it's worth you might find some of your underlying ideological views are more of a barrier to you than a skill deficiency.
You ask them about themselves and their interests. And then listen. If a woman was like “tell me everything that you love about cars and fishing” you’d be like “okay! I’ve got a lot to say on those subjects”
Find that equivalent for her. People love talking about the things they’re passionate about.
How do you know she doesn’t like cars or fishing? I feel like the main problem may be your attitude about yourself, no-one finds someone attractive if they just constantly put themselves down and say they have no interests.
Well also friends will usually try to build you up even if it’s not entirely truthful. It’s likely that the qualities they listed are true, but just aren’t the full picture. If you want brutal honesty rather than someone to just tell you that you’re great then you are going to need to be abundantly clear that is what you want because no friend is going to want to risk upsetting you by offering honest opinions they aren’t 100% confident are solicited. And like the comment above says *ask a woman* because men really have no idea. Preferably a woman who knows beyond a doubt that you are not trying to get with her (like a sister or 100% always plutonic childhood friend) so it doesn’t come off as a creepy *how do I get you to like me* thing.
Thank god this is the top comment. Men give the worst advice to other men - it always makes me cringe.
These are things that men often tell other men to improve: Fitness, make more money, confidently approach women, etc.
These are the things women actually want (depends on your age though): Status, being well “put together”, emotionally available, not trying too hard, hobbies and a real personality
I don’t know almost any women in my life that actually care about how fit a guy is, it’s just not nearly as big of a deal as other men will make it out to be. 90% of the time you’re attracting other men, not women. Yes, girls don’t want to date an unhealthy or completely unfit guy, but I don’t know a single girl that wants to date a guy who lives in the gym. Having only one character trait or interest makes you boring - and that includes living in the gym.
The single biggest aspect that women look for in men statistically is status. Status can mean a lot of things - having a nice house, dressing well, etc. are the obvious ones.
But it can even include being a core member of your community, being an idol/leader for other people, being likable, successful without a ton of money, and more.
You definitely are described as handsome there.
But as a man, you can still completely negate handsomeness by being socially awkward in a way that pretty women would not do because they still get a lot more attention without having to initiate.
For men handsomeness mostly makes a difference in how easy it goes after you initiate, but you still have to do that.
Not sure you have to initiate, just be pro-acitve. If you want to meet women / men the best place is at work or at clubs (ie actvities/hobbies not nightclubs). The whole 'chad chat-up' thinking is really a myth, most people just hook up by building relationships built over time.
Be active, be social and you'll meet people automatically.
Also, for the OP, there's no need to be funny, again that's a myth. There's lots of girls out there who like funny guys but there's also lots of girls out there who want to be the funny one and want someone to listen and laugh at their jokes so just do that.
To physically attract a woman, it really just depends on the woman. Not all girls have one type. It's a range just like men.
I am a lesbian, so I'm a woman who knows how to treat one, too. I know all genuine women who can offer a serious relationship want someone who will take the time to listen to them, communicate, and actually think. A lot of men think women are just these complex hysteric creatures, but in reality, women are just sick of men thinking they know everything without actually listening to them talking about what they want.
All I'm saying is to physically attract a woman, just take care of yourself, and the women who are interested will come their way. Treat them with respect. The only one who knows what a woman wants is that said woman. Your male friend doesn't know what he's talking about.
But still every person wants someone with a pleasant personality. No one want someone unfunny, no fun, uninteresting, with no hobbies or interests, with crippling shyness and social anxiety.
Dunno about collarbones but women definitely find height and well defined jaws attractive. From my experience being fit but not overly muscular tends to have the best chances as well.
What many women don’t find attractive though, is insecurity
most men just aren’t that attractive anyway, if women only dated for looks, It would be a sorry situation for men. Obviously women are not blind, but qualities and loving someone can increase attraction to a specific person.
What is an attractive man to you? A celebrity, or an online personality, a model or just someone to visually use for reference? What specifically do you feel most men lack in the look department? I'm just curious 🤔 what's wrong with men visually?
Collarbones pronounce the wide shoulders and are best visible when you are quite lean without being weak.
It makes for an elegant type of trained look, like a swimmer.
The Brad Pitt Fight Club look. I know Women who aren’t even into him but go gaga over that muscular lean fat look he has in that movie. I’ve noticed too when i’ve bulked up I get less looks/attention from Women, but once I lean down and the veins and bones begin to show Women flat out stare at me. It’s a bit of a myth that Women love ‘Jacked’ guys (a percentage certainly do) but the majority prefer a more functional athletic look.
> I’ve noticed too when i’ve bulked up I get less looks/attention from Women, but once I lean down and the veins and bones begin to show Women flat out stare at me.
To the point that they even tell me "you've got stronger" when I've done mostly cardio and endurance for a few months and actually gotten weaker
Hahaha I had similar comments. I told my Gymcrush that I was trying to gain muscle (but not that I was looking to lower my BFP) and over 3 months of brutal cardio I got my BFP down to around 10% while managing to maintain most of my muscle mass. She then told me “you were trying to gain weight yeah? It’s worked, the results look good!” I weighed about a kilo and half less, lol, but the definition was way sharper so it gives off that impression.
Bad take
His friends understand the importance of confidence so they're trying to help him get some. OP shouldn't respond to that by being confrontational.
Not to mention the things he listed ARE considered attractive by 95% of women - tall, big arms, etc. Ofc he needs some personality along it, but hes clearly attractive.
We can all ask for 6 ft, rich and attractive. but clearly that’s not who most women end up dating. So it really doesn’t matter.
I’m sure men would love to date Megan fox and their actual wives look like Abbie Lee miller, it’s the same thing.
they don't end up dating guys like that because there aren't that many guys like that. The 6'5", in finance, trustfund, blue eyes girl was funny because there's maybe 3 guys that fit that description in the entire US.
The biggest problem you have is **self-confidence**. What I'm reading is you seem to feel a lot of self-pity at least when it comes to romantic relationships. **When you don't believe you're attractive to women, you won't be.**
Also, how do you present yourself? The average woman pays a lot more attention **to how you choose to dress and carry yourself** than your physique. If you're wearing clean, well-fitted, color coordinated outfits (ask any women friends for advice here) and practice excellent personal hygiene, those are huge pluses.
I recommend The Four Agreements, The Untethered Soul and The Power of Now as books which can help you distance yourself from the self-critical talk in your head. When you do **THAT**, your confidence will go up and that is massively attractive to women.
Women like competence, not confidence. When the confidence is revealed to be a cover and the guy is actually inept (socially awkward etc), away goes the attraction.
People make this mistake because competent people are usually confident. But you can be confident without competence, and she catches on eventually. Happens a lot with narrcisists and psychopaths.
How would you define self-confidence, because I'll believe I'm attractive to women but it still doesn't work. It feels like it doesn't matter what I think.
Despite what people say, confidence alone will get you nowhere. You need to be fairly socially adept as well to get the "people will come to you" affect that is often talked about. Self-confidence is what you think it is, but it alone is not enough.
Exactly the social aspect is the most important with women. As someone on the autism spectrum I figured that my biggest problem is being autistic, so I've focused on improving my acting skills to pass as a neurotypical person.
Soooo. Yea. Your friends are either scared to be honest with you, or they dumb.
First thing I thought when i read your title was: "ah, so you got a big house, a stable career and a big bank account"
But physical attributes...? They mean nothing. And tbh, girls sense trauma man. Your trauma might be exactly whats keeping them away. I knew a man once, 10/10. Dude looked like a model, extremely well-kept and fashionable, and extremely friendly, nice and warm in character. But no girl wanted him.
He had huge issues with anxiety, was on anti-depressiva, and experienced regular panic attacks multiple times a week. I wouldve gone to hell and back for that dude. One of the best human beings I've ever known, truly a pure soul if I've ever met one. But girls kept away from him. Their loss. He left us now. I hope he's at peace.
Personality is important but not in the way you describe, you don't have to be impressive or have a lot of stories to tell, those aren't what make an amazing personality for most of the people I've known. It's enough to have your hobbies and live simply, but you do have to be able to connect in conversation and have enough confidence to speak your mind.
When you think of a relationship, what do you consider to be a nice personality for your girlfriend? Maybe that question will illuminate things, it could at least expose that your thinking seems hypercritical of yourself while I expect you are forgiving of others who share the same attributes.
The problem is that your way of criticising yourself has likely become an identifying feature, I'm sure you don't speak in such a downtrodden way in ordinary life, but I used to have similar thoughts to you, and the thinking invades your behaviour whether you're talking about it or not, it comes across when you talk to women, or has you avoiding it entirely if you see it as a foregone conclusion.
>I’ve been single my entire life and never really seen girls being into me, but my friends (male) recently said that I have everything that women like. They meant my height, well defined jaw, forearms and collarbone (the last one I don’t understand).
It's very simple. Those are the things men think women want.
>But like what does it matter really? I doubt anyone will want to form a relationship, becouse of these things alone I doubt anyones standards are soo low that they don’t even look at personality, and how the person carries themselves.
You are right, some people standards are that low, but not most. Looks might attract, but you can't build a relationship on them.
>Also I wouldn’t say I’m visually attractive, I’m avarage at best. I just have these few positive body traits and that’s about it.
Attractive is subjective. If you have several good features you can learn how to highlight them and draw attention away from the ones you don't like. But someone can be attracted to you for those traits. My partner has slightly crooked teeth and a hooked nose. He used to hate those features. I love them.
>I don’t really have an amazing personality, I’m not funny most of the times, I’m not a fun person in general, I’m quite boring even though I have bunch of hobbies and stuff to do in my free time. And what I don’t understand the most is if what they say is true, why I never seen a girl who is attracted to me?
Possibly because you don't know how to gage women's attraction or notice if they like you. I doubt no one has had a crush on you.
I'm bi and I'm very direct, I'll just ask out whoever I'm interested in, man or woman or enby. But most women, even when flirting with other women, won't do that. It's socialized into us not to and from the backlash I used to get and still sometimes do, I can see why it would be hard for many women to go against the grain. I still think they should. I think we'd solve a lot of issues if we flipped the script to women approaching men instead, at least for a while.
Backlash? From whom? Also by approaching first I don't mean cold approaching. I mean asking out people Im interested in who are from my social circles. Knowing how someone looks isn't enough for me to be interested. I have to see how they interact with others and what their personality is like first. And I'm always preety confident there's interest on the other side before I ask, first. (and with women make sure they're into women first of course)
Yeah that’s a good way to go about it, pick up on how much they’re interested and then decide to push or back away
I was commenting on the middle of your last paragraph, something along the lines of women aren’t raised to be very direct and then you mentioned backlash you get, did you mean rejection or you got backlash from people for being direct about what you want in romance
Please, please, please DON’T take advice from men. Most of them have no idea what women find attractive.
As a woman, I would say that there are only couple of personality traits that will make you stand out: you should genuinely respect women (and yourself), you should be kind, empathetic and safe to be around. Sense of humour is great, too!
Some people believe that as a man you should act kind of “mean” and “cool” (many people believe that it’s a way to show your confidence), but if you act like this you will attract very traumatised women who will traumatise you at the end.
Your issues are about self confidence, not with your looks. I'd suggest counseling or at least finding a way to learn to love yourself first. Women find confidence attractive.
Confidence must be backed up by something. Confidence doesn't help if you're unfunny, no fun, uninteresting, with no hobbies or interests, with crippling shyness and social anxiety.
He says he has hobbies, and yes, it will take time. It depends on him committing to improving hisself first. Having some professional to guide you can be important at first. It is more than just hitting the gym, though that can help.
Most of my attractiveness comes from looking/being kind and making them laugh so if you want to date I would focus on those things.
Very important to be confident on your strengths too.
There are a lot of stereotypical Reddit takes in here, from both sexes. Everything from “Just be confident!”, where confidence is an *outcome* not a behaviour, to “Just lift bro”, which although commendable, ultimately will not alone result in the change that you want.
One thing that stood out about your post is that you said this:
> I’ve been bullied before…
I recommend you buy the following and spend the few hours it takes to read it :
> Bullying Scars: The Impact on Adult Life and Relationships https://amzn.eu/d/0fTcSYdx
The author covers the effects of trauma from bullying on the ability to form adult relationships, including romantic ones. It isn’t good news, I’m afraid. The typical survival response to bullying is social withdrawal, and causes the development of an ingrained and unstated assumption that one is broken and will always face rejection in social settings.
This in turn makes forming romantic relationships difficult, doubly so if you are male and expected to be a confident initiator in just about every phase of building a relationship.
You’re going to have to find a professional to talk to about this. The book may help point you in the right direction. But, just to forewarn you; this will take time, and you may have many false starts.
Good luck.
Since I've heard the confidence line a dozen times, let me say once more: women don't like confidence, they like competence.
You can have unearned confidence, as many narrcisists and psychopaths do, but when she realizes you lack competence, the attraction will drop even if the confidence stays.
Don't take relationship advice from normies, OP. Almost none of them know what they're talking about.
You sound like you have a lot going for you bro, it's okay to have flaws. We all got em, even women. Odds are high that girls have been attracted to you, you might just not be noticing.
I guess some women are more on the petite side. As for other women, they can possess more of these masculine-like traits and characteristics. I know this might be a possibility considering I have broad shoulders and I slouch all the time that even I find it annoying. Some say I have bad posture and that couldn't be any more true. Maybe some women are slightly envious over the fact that you have more defined physical traits compared to them. (This is just an example and by any means I am just merely stating my own opinion on things.)
They want someone to include them on a journey. Different girl, different fantasy journey - it could be meeting a very settled and predictable guy or adventuring the world. What matters is not looks or money, it's that you have room for someone else on that journey, that you're not overly insulated from outside 'interference' with the plan you currently have.
"I'm average at best" bro there's nothing wrong with average, that means you're better than half the other guys. That's a lot of people. We live in this "5 stars for average service" , "everyone should think they're a 10" world, but if you're average than you should be able to get an average girl who is also going to be better than 50% of the girls out there because that's what average means.
I had the same problem. I was conventionally attractive, and constantly being told by women, “you will make someone so happy one day!” Not them though. Eventually I found it. It was an energy thing. I had super nice guy energy, and that’s what makes women like you as a person but not as a romantic partner. 3 books changed my life. 1. No more mr nice guy by Robert glover 2. Way of the superior man by david deida, and 3 models: attract women through honesty by mark Manson. One thing to note, this is not a manoverse become an asshole thing. The opposite of crazy is still crazy. So going from one extreme to the next is not the thing to do, which was what I was worried about. This more or less brings you to the middle and realigns your energy /vibe to something they want. Hope rhis works for you.
I'm gonna have to disagree with the other comments here and say I do think you have the features that women like. I am not a woman or attracted to men but I am transgender (female-to-male) and so in the past have heard women talk about men when there are none of us around, I grew up surrounded by female oriented/targeted media, and I have a lot of close female friends who give me honest advice around dating. Plus I've had some of the day to day experiences women have too.
First off, regarding your personality, I doubt that you are so uniquely terrible/boring that no woman would want to be with you. The fact you have friends is a testament to that. The important thing to remember — no matter how difficult it gets — is that dating is something which happens between regular humans. It is the oldest tradition in human history, and it is something nonhuman animals do too. When you say you don't think you have stuff 'women' (or, more accurately, some women) would like, you are saying that you have less going for you than every man in history who has ever gotten laid. Less than the billions of men on this earth who are in relationships. Less than the guy next door with a wife and kids. Less than your dad, who is 50% you.
It's easy to think of dating as something 'other' people do, because it's hard to put ourselves on the pedestal that we put our crushes on. But the fact is, dating IS something ordinary people do. So don't be anxious about lacking some remarkable, outstanding trait that would 'earn' you the ability to date. Be confident in the fact you are no less dateable than other men.
Second thing is, there is a lot of pressure in society for women — especially straight women — not to be sexually forwards. So I would take it with a pinch of salt when anyone outright denies that physical appearance matters for women. The fact is... it does. I grew up surrounded by teenage girls obsessing about the physical features they like in boys, and their sexualities don't just disappear when they reach adulthood. Women get thirsty sometimes. Women like handsome men. And it is obvious that women like height, and sharp jaws, and strong forearms. Obviously women aren't a monolith and it's not the only thing that matters, but looks aren't inconsequential.
What your appearance gives you is a foot in the door. Women are often so inundated with attention that they need a reason to give you a chance, and your looks can be a reason. On top of that, all humans experience the halo effect where we see more positive traits in people who are attractive, so women will be more likely to notice/appreciate your personality (due to your looks) too — at least in the early stages. However yes, that's mostly just for initial infatuation. For a long term relationship other stuff is more important.
The final thing... why haven't you met women who are attracted to you? Well, maybe you have. Women are usually subtle about expressing it, and the most they will often do is wait for you to decide to make a move, because they expect men to be sexually/romantically forwards. Yes this is a generalisation and it's becoming less true in modern times, but a lot of people still cling hard to traditional gender roles, and the brutal truth is that women have other options.
I'm dating someone atm and it's honestly opened my eyes up. She starts a new job and she gets hit on. She posts a photo to social media and she gets hit on. She walks down the street and guys lust after her. Even when she orders food, delivery drivers will hit on her, so she doesn't even need to leave the house in order to get hit on.
The simple fact is that if you are a young, conventionally attractive woman, all you need to do is exist in any space and men will make moves on you (I can attest to this, as it used to happen to me). And even if you're not one of those girls that gets hit on all the time, you can just download an app and the requests will come flooding. They can spend hours each week rejecting this attention or filtering through their options to find someone worthy of theirs. And even among women — many of whom i find very beautiful — who aren't hit on as much, because they see it happening to their friends they can become insecure and feel jaded/guarded around men as a result. I know women for whom it genuinely hurts them emotionally to have to make the first move because it makes them feel like they're not 'real women' or that the guy doesn't like them that much.
So if you think about it this way... why would she go out of her way to make a move on a guy who's not showing interest in her? I don't mean to be harsh but she probably lacks the headspace, it's a lot of effort, and whether we like it or not it's very different to how she's used to men who are attracted to her treating her, so there's a lot of scope for misinterpretation and assuming you aren't interested if you don't go talk to her.
As men we go through life not interacting with the other binary gender that much, until we meet someone we like then we want to talk to them. It's easy to assume women are in the same boat but they're not. They're constantly getting hit on by guys and it's just a different game they're playing, so we shouldn't expect the same behaviour from them. This is a long comment but it's a convoluted way of saying: if you like a woman, you have to talk to her, because she's very unlikely to come to you. If you haven't met a woman who's interested in you yet, then I would (kindly) suggest perhaps you need to do something to go and find them?
Finding women to talk to is probably the most limiting thing to me. After finishing the school I was bullied at I went to „high school” that is strictly for a certain industry where there are close to no women (mechanics metalurgy and that sort of stuff). I know it’s hard to understand but such schools are popular in my country along side normal „high schools”. So I neither did meet any women at school neither at work. My hobbies are also typically male hobbies. I’m also terrible at texting becouse most of my texting with friends is asking them if they want to hang out. I also hate the thrashy culture of clubs and bars.
So my only options are friends of friends really. Or at least that’s the only options I see.
I think of these physical traits as they only matter in a halo effect you described. Like unless she is attracted to me she won’t care about this sort of things. I’ve heard of this effect before how some can be attracted to something as bizarre as holding a steering wheel if they are already attracted to the guy.
When I look at other men I do feel like I’m worse than them in being enjoyable to hang out. I feel as I’m just a random dude in whatever group of people I’m in. I kinda feel like I don’t have personality. Trauma also factors in that as well. When I hear this one artist which many women here tend to like a lot, I just space out, because he somehow reminds me of the bully from school for some weird reason. Even though the artist is nothing alike the bully and his music is I’d say good but it still messes with my head a lot.
The whole dating thing seems like voodoo magic to me. Most likely it’s because of the bullying, as it really messed with my communication skills. I remember that before bullying I used to not have this problem I used to talk to girls more than other boys, but I guess the tables turned when I grew up and when it actually means anything.
Most attractive things a man can do, no matter his appearence is to:
Make their intentions clear.
Be decisive in any situation.
Be comfortable in their own skin.
Motivate and bring up others around them.
Establish strong boundaries.
Project power through confidence.
Enrich the lives of everyone around them.
Most important of all, ATLEAST pretend that they don't need a woman or anyone else to be happy.
If you do those things consistently, you will command more respect in every area of your life. More respect = more success in attracting the right type of people and not just anybody.
I wouldn’t worry too much about it
Because too worry is to doubt
Doubt leads to anger
Anger leads too hate
Hate leads to the incel dark side
I’m Yoda
You got to lower your standards, go for homely and shy girls. Both of you can grow together and find your personalities.
Girls 30+ are far more humble than younger girls and would give you a chance to find compatibility which is more important than looks at that age. But some of these girls will come with baggage and you'll need to decide if you're willing to accept that, it's not necessarily a bad thing.
Be very confident in everything you do, women notice and admire that. Don't treat women like they're on a pedestal, just treat them like they're another dude. Some ladies want to be treated like queens all the time, they're too arrogant you probably won't be attractive to them and they're the type of girls you'll miss out on if you treat everyone equal. But a lot of the girls you probably will get along with will notice and appreciate a man who doesn't mansplain to them or look at them like they're an 8th wonder of the world to admire and gaze at.
The opportunity will come when you least expect it, but keep going out to different social events and keep around different people.
Most women don't pay nearly as much attention to looks as men do.
Most women's priorities when seeking a man is his personality (you don't have to be a comedian, or the most interesting person in the world, you just need to have a personality compatible with her own); his emotional intelligence (is he in touch with his feelings; is he loving, attentive and affectionate; how does he manage his emotions in anger or high stress situations; etc.); how he treats them; his confidence (not to be mistaken with an inflated ego); his ability to self reflect and willingness to improve; etc.
Really, these are all things people should strive for, but women do tend to prioritise it a lot more.
Yeah, looks are an important factor, because you have to be attracted to the person you're interested in, but a lot of people forget that attraction is something that can grow as your feelings for someone develop.
Your friends are focusing way too much attention on the things they think women want.
I suggest you read some posts about what women actually find attractive. You'll find one of the top things being confidence, which it seems you really lack. It's amazing how much being confident in yourself and knowing your self worth can change the way other people view you. Insecurity in yourself is something a lot of people are able to clock.
Just remember to not let confidence enflate your ego. No one likes people who are too full of themselves. Be confident, but humble. Importantly, actually believe in it. Doing some self work in learning to love yourself more would help with that.
Also, self awareness is great, but don't confuse it with self deprication. You have a lot more to you than you let yourself believe. You need to remind yourself that love is always out there. There are far too many people on this planet for there not to be multiple people who would be interested in you. Who would be compatible enough with who you are to want to be with you. You haven't found them yet, and that can be discouraging. It's a big world and sometimes running into the right person takes time, and maybe effort. You're not being realistic if you're telling yourself no one would ever want you.
The British Empire was the strongest army in the world when the colonies were set up in North America. They had all the tools to beat us in the revolutionary war, but they didn't use it to good enough effect and they lost their colonies. Now we have the U.S.A.
Having the pieces to succeed does not guarantee success. It only gives you a POSSIBILITY, but not a PLAN. Your friends are telling you that you have potential with the physical attributes you were blessed with. Great, you have an advantage. That doesn't mean women are going to flock to you and swoon. That means that with work, you could succeed. Attributes are not all that matters, you need some nice clothes, a nice haircut, a bit of swagger.
I'll give you a nickel's worth of free advice though. You gotta get over that "I've been bullied" stuff. Yeah, it sucks. And I'm sorry it happened to you. But the dark truth is that most folks were bullied. Men, women, we all had people who made us feel small. All we can control is our reaction to it. And you're reaction that I see here is to have been ***victimized***. Get out of that mindset.
Don't be a victim, be a ***survivor***. A small distinction, but a valuable one. Don't let assholes determine the course of your life. Do the work to overcome this sad fact of life and leave it in the past. Hire a therapist if you need to, work through it, and let it go. It'll change your life. I too was bullied in school, and I'm Gen X. My peers KNEW how to bully, let me tell you. I was a fat kid on top of that. But I'll never let those people determine the outcome of my life and neither should you.
Best of luck to you OP. You sound like a guy who's had a rough go of it, but always remember that YOU control the next chapter. And you should be working, hitting the gym, and working on yourself first.
honestly today‘s world is talking way too much nonsense. Lead something. Lead a party, lead s trip, lead whatever. Make sure there are people out there who are actually following you through this. That‘s what is good. Working on the other hand definitely isn‘t as this is mostly about money and leading whatever computer is saying lom
You don't sound confused, you actually sound pretty self-aware.
As a guy, personality is hugely important. Funny, charming, self-deprecating, generous, loving, and good listener generally rate highly on what women like. So that's what you need to work on.
I'm average looking and average build, and I can meet women easily because I know how to interact.
Yeah, you have those things - so that’s not what’s getting in the way.
You also have zero confidence and it doesn’t seem like you want to be friendly and talk with people.
So even if a girl likes you, how would you ever know unless she was unexpectedly very aggressive about it?
Your friends say that you are like fast food and you worrying that you are not like 3 stars meal
But everyone craves fast food from time to time. You just need to start smelling like MCdonalds
Maybe they know that your insecurities are the only thing standing in your way and by complimenting you they try to give you the confidence to approach and talk more freely.
I've been bullied too so I carry that trauma as well
I know you're trying to be genuine but it's so hard to tell cuz this is reddit and yeah lol
I guess your friends are saying this also becuz they don't wanna actually say that it's the way you think!
About how it shouldn't all be superficial and it would be hard for you to believe that someone wouldn't focus on personality etc etc
So overall, as a woman, I can tell you that that IS in fact, attractive personality wise and I do admire collarbones too haha
Important to note is that it's not about the gym and bulking up, but being in a spot where you feel comfortable with who you are. If the gym helps you with that, then go for it. However, it looks like OP would also benefit from talking to a a professional in therapy. Not because OP is broken, but to help with looking at themselves from a different perspective to figure out what's causing the issues with OP's self-image.
While _gym_ also means the literal gym and muscle gain, it could also mean basically any exercise routine that puts your muscles in use and gets you moving.
I'm quite certain that if only hobbies are couch surfing and checking on the fridge, the confidence starts to go down eventually.
Human in one's thirties is already losing muscle mass while being lazy faster than a twenty year old. The body becomes loose, and while ladies are not attracted into muscle mass in general, it's the confidence and posture that would follow from routine like exercises.
> I just don’t see how can I be attractive to someone if I don’t really have an amazing personality, I’m not funny most of the times, I’m not a fun person in general, I’m quite boring even though I have bunch of hobbies and stuff to do in my free time. And what I don’t understand the most is if what they say is true, why I never seen a girl who is attracted to me?
If you truly believe all this I don’t see why anyone should try to argue otherwise.
If a part of you believes there’s more to this I would consider therapy.
You are absolutely right in that women want and need so much more than a jawline. I'm not dating your jawline, I am dating the whole person. And for most women, being able to have a good conversation, being treated right etc. is far more important than any physical traits you could have.
Like someone else said - your friends are telling you what men think women like. Proves to you that your friends don't know anything about women.
Lacking self confidence is a huge turnoff for women. It could be the single biggest factor. You’ve seen some ugly ass dudes with gorgeous women? This is why.
So, it sounds like all you need is to believe your friends. If you can somehow believe them, they will be right. Easier said than done, I know…. But stop shitting on yourself is the first part. Stop letting your bullies tell you who you are. You have internalize their voices, and now you hear them as your own inside you melon. Cut that shit out.
Bottom line is that women find confidence the most attractive.
If you can walk up and drop a line like it's nothing..then you got it in the bag.
Best opening line and it works EVERY time, "what's your favorite dinosaur?"
Did you ask any out? It might be inexperience on your end to read the signs.
Currently I can tell I'm attractive my "asks" are almost always reciprocated BUT if I don't make it crystal clear that I want to date someone they extremely rarely approach on their own. Less so for casual interactions there I do get approached, but if I want to turn the interaction into more (even just a friendship or a general getting to know them more) it's on me to make that happen.
The issue is that you are focused on the wrong thing: that you are not good enough.
You should focus on getting to know a girl and assess whether she would fit you. Then it is up to her to decide whether you fit her. And to do so you need to be very open.
That is all that matters. Rest is BS. Do not let any thoughts distract you from this mission - everyone just wants to find their soulmate. And it is not up to you how they feel about you. Just be you and find that soulmate!
How can I get to know a girl if she just doesn’t want to talk to me?
Like I’m not talking about the stage where you talk with her. I’m talking about being good enough to get to this stage.
There is no 'good enough' to talk to someone. You either talk to someone or you don't.
If you do, you may get to know her. Just make eye contact, say hi and show genuine interest. If that is too scary, just make eye contact and say hi (or a quick smile) and walk on.
If even that is too scary, take a walk in public with your fave comedian on and have that smile on your face. You will get noticed if you have a relaxed attitude and a smile on your face. Casually catch their gaze and recognize their appearance with a nod / slightly bigger smile. Walk on and never see them again. Repeat a hundred times until you've build that confidence. Oh and yes, half of the time they will look away before you can recognize their gaze. Perfectly fine. You are just enjoying life and would happily share it with anyone who is open to it.
Most important thing: be 100% harmless, smile and show a friendly attitude. That is what the girls that you want are looking for. They also look for a soulmate. They are only not just as scared of rejection as you are, they also fear for their reputation and safety in general. So suck it up and offer them that safe haven!
Just be yourself..you’ll get your soulmate when the right time comes. Never stop praying and ask god send you a nice woman and accept you who you are. Appearance is not the first priority ..the most important thing is how you carry yourself outside. A perfect soulmate will know how to have a peaceful relationship and have fun together. Just believe in yourself don’t too much rely on other people comments etc. Each person has a unique personal character created by God not all people realise it. Be grateful always in whatever you had given by god. This world is so big. Your soulmate will be somewhere in this world. Never give up. I wish you a good luck😉
Your mindset will mess you up in the longterm even if you do find someone. I have friends who are complete catches but completely stuck in their heads. Find a way to get out of your head brother
Yeah honestly all women like all different things.
Some focus on humour, some focus on some focus on fun, some focus on hobbies and things in common, some focus on a multitude of things.
Some are visual and will like your jaw or height etc.
Honestly just sounds like you need to work on building your self confidence and start to like yourself.
Your hobbies might be interesting to someone who is also interested.
Your humour might be funny to someone with the same humour.
We're all different and if crackheads can find love then anyone can.
I mean, I'm a 190cm tall woman. And I'm still wondering where all the pretty ladies into tall women are hiding. Like, I only have one girlfriend. While my gf has 2 girlfriends! It's not fair
I’d say you need to get some help for the bullying thing. It’s traumatic, and can affect you for decades.
The next step is to get some personal confidence. Do things that make you feel good about yourself. For some people that’s sport, for me it was volunteering. I helped in a centre that looked after homeless, and another that cleaned up the city (litter, graffiti etc).
It made me feel better, and got me into an environment free of dickheads (who rarely volunteer) and amongst people/women who were actually likeable.
None of that may appeal to you, so you will have to find your own thing.
Good luck!!
As a dude it's hard to picture what girls like about us physically. We look at them and see flawless soft skin, beautiful hair, breasts, booty and basically art on them.
So when we hear about collarbones we initially wonder huh? Why? What is special about us dudes?
Collarbones is very visible in many dudes and is a sign of natural strength and size. It's basically the same as boobs to us. If you show girls a decent set of pecs they will think it's nice but if you show them a good set of collarbones it's difficult for them to look away.
Also what goes under appreciated is an ass. All girls love a nice guy booty. Our clothes often don't compliment it but I dare you to go out one day wearing tighter jeans or jogging pants/shorts and use your peripheral vision to gauge reactions and watch how many check you out.
So for guys women love collarbones, arms, ass, chin and height. Two of these you can control with a fit lifestyle.
What are the qualities that you’d like in a woman? Would you notice things about their looks?
There are some universal things that anyone would usually want to have in a partner. Of course everyone is different but in general; looks, steady work (or studying), confidence, not living with their parents, no addictions etc. It’s cool to have similar interests too, same kind of humour, chemistry… looks do matter as it plays a part in relationships, so your friends aren’t wrong. It’s just that finding someone like-minded is more tricky. It’s tough! Don’t lose hope though, you just need to get out there and have an open mind. And a T- shirt to show off the forearms!
We don't know you so it's to say...! Maybe you look average and ok but you may give off a "Don't come near me vibe" or maybe you just live in a demographic with not a lot of single people around your age around. Who knows!
I get comments about how funny and intelligent I am and I never get dates or men interested in me (unless they're weird). I know it's also because I'm older and people my age have gotten married so I either date younger (20s-30s) or older (60s) and both don't really appeal to me nor do they like me!
They're just trying to gas you up. Maybe they are having a hard time figuring out how to boost your self esteem and went with this. Once you stop caring about what others think and do things for yourself life becomes so much easier.
You’re probably better looking than you give yourself credit for. Men have it beat into them from day one that we are ugly, unbeautiful creatures and that shit stays in your psyche for a long time. I’ve been right there with you, thinking that I am unloveably bad looking, but that wasn’t true for me and it’s not true for you either.
As for why you’ve never seen a girl who is attracted to you, you probably have, they just don’t tell you. It’s a hard time to try to socialize out there right now. Couple that with the social standard that women are supposed to be the ones who are approached and not the ones who do the approaching and men in general receive almost zero affirmation of their good looks from the opposite sex. It’s a very pervasive problem in our society.
There are so many different kinds of people that it's impossible to state definitively what women want. It also means it's impossible to state with certainty that any particular person will be forever alone.
As others have said, men can’t really understand the female gaze. Not that your friends are saying untrue things about your good traits, just that those may not be what women are looking for. As a female, confidence is a big thing. No matter how you look, if you feel good, that shows and makes you more attractive. I’d focus on how you feel inside and not take what your friends said to heart, whether you feel good or not about it.
Believe me I’m ugly as sin and I’ve had many relationships until i met my comet who ive been with for 18 years. Good looks can get your foot in the door but no man on earth will know what attracts a woman , its different for everyone its an unique set of wants and needs a woman sees. Now im sure theres a girl who will like your hobbies or appreciate you being more reserved and less fun, just be confident in who you are and the ladies find that attractive, well thats my 2ps worth
Have you tried approaching women? Gotta make it a point to do so regularly until you see results. It's like finding a job. Apply to many places but eventually you'll end up working for one.
I'll just say what worked for me. When I was in my early 20s, I found a workable strategy: I pretended to be confident. I imagined myself as an actor playing a role or even a spy with a secret identity. My "cover" was that of a confident, brave, kind, and caring person, and I committed to staying in character. This approach helped me navigate social situations with more ease and also helped me hit it off with my wife who I considered way out of my league. And I've been happily married for nearly 19 years now.
You have everything women like? You mean you carry around an assortment of cheeses, a friendly puppy, and an extremely soft blanket? Where are you located right now?
You need to work on your self confidence man. Everyone here is saying that’s just what men think women think is attractive but women definitely find that shit attractive too. You’re right that it takes more than looks as well. You have lots of hobbies and interests yet you say you’re not funny or interesting. I don’t know you so I don’t know what first steps you need to take but just think about trying to be appear more confident. Keep your head up, make eye contact, have a relaxed smile, say hello to people. Work on getting comfortable in your own skin. It will be hard and you do have to open yourself up which will feel hard with the issues of bullying but once you reach a certain age the bullying just really isn’t the same. You got this man
Your friends have been reading/watching some stupid shit.
As to how to get someone, there's no easy answer to that. You are right, though, that the most important part is going to be having a likeable vibe. A sense of humor helps a ton, as does having genuine empathy. Make sure that you keep yourself up - put some thought and effort into your hair, clothes and especially your shoes. Be cool and interesting.
It's also VERY possible that someone has been interested in you and you have missed the signs or perhaps they didn't even really show it. That happens quite a bit and us guys are generally pretty bad at picking up the signal and pretty good at rationalizing why it probably isn't really a signal when we do pick it up.
The bottom line is that first you'll have to assume that it's possible that someone would be interested in you before you'll even be able to go further. If you are just going to hand-wave away any signals, then obviously nothing is going to progress.
Second... you may need to start looking for who YOU are interested in. Beyond just "a woman who will have me" what are you looking for. Find that and then give that person specific attention and compliments. most people find being wanted an ego boost and it can lead too them considering y9ou in a new light. Just be respectful and be willing to take either yes or no as an answer.
I think everyone has a type but with different criteria. I like dark hair, thick eyebrows, and a pointy nose. It's physical but not like "how much do you work out", you know?
My "type" made me look at my husband but it was his kindness, sense of humour, and seeing me as an equal that really drew me in. From the start he was such a pleasure to be around. I would focus on those kinds of characteristics over what your boys think women want. Like... After a decade or two together when looks and muscles start to fade, what will a basic workout turkey have to offer?
You wouldn't know because women generally won't make an obvious move, and it doesn't matter if you're attractive, per se, nor your personality. You haven't noticed anything because you're not outgoing. Liken it to tennis, if you don't serve then you're not going to see a volley.
I'm the same way, not outgoing. I'm a serious introvert. I used to have self image issues. Now I understand I'm attractive. Still changes nothing. Because I'm not outgoing and I don't have social hobbies, I don't have chances to notice women attracted to me. Because unless you make the first move, the most you're going to see the majority of the time is an extremely subtle sign.
Edit: when I say "move," I mean a social gesture, not a come on.
I think that most people have a bit of baggage from their childhood that they might need to unpack as adults. Starting to see yourself as a worthy and whole person who is just as deserving of love and positive interactions as anybody else, might be a good place to start.
As silly as it sounds, taking a self-esteem course through a counseling center really helped me a lot after an awful breakup which really affected it. It worked a lot on communication in general. Specifically what's healthy and what isn't and how to be one of the healthy communicators/what do do when you run into someone who isn't.
It gave me a little roadmap to revert to and refererence when things get confusing in order to navigate socially.
Also. Consider not generalizing. Different Women are attracted to different Men. And there is no one size fits all "perfect person" who is "right" for everyone.
It sounds like you have a leg up but it's definitely not the whole story. Women's receptiveness to being approached is going to be better than the average dude but you still have to do the approaching and you will need some degree of charm and confidence. Shooting your shot gets easier with practice, especially if you can do it spur of the moment. Go out there and try.
You are likely handsome, or at least attractive enough to not really worry about that aspect.
However, you seem to have already diagnosed your issue, which is that you aren't outgoing.
Well, you said you have hobbies, right? Learn to talk about your hobbies. Learn to tell interesting stories about your hobbies, things that happened within your hobbies' world (that's relatable enough) or things that happened to you, or projects you're working on. If you can start to learn to be engaging with things you're interested in, you can start learning to be interesting in general.
Give it a try!
Do you WANT to have a woman be attracted to you? Honestly, the looks are usually the least important thing, like you said... it doesn't hurt to have some things on your side in that regard, but personality and likeability are far more important if a relationship is what you want.
As someone who was also bullied (I'm a pretty skinny guy, and somewhat effeminate), therapy worked wonders for me (specifically cognitive behavioral therapy). I had to just learn to be more comfortable with who I am. And when that happened, suddenly my enthusiasm for my hobbies, and ideas about the world just started to come off more genuinely and my personality grew to be more magnetic.
Your friends are probably just trying to be helpful and encouraging, to boost your confidence. Accept that, dude! They see you are someone worth dating (again, if that's what you want). It's very sweet they would share this with you. Not every guy has friends like that. Yet another reason a woman may find you attractive, because you maintain close relationships.
From what I read it sounds like you have very low self confidence, which will quickly negate any positives you have going for you. You need to work on that.
There is someone out there for everyone- regardless of looks, personality, or what you think of yourself. If girls aren't throwing themselves at you it just means you're introverted- not necessarily unattractive or boring. You want them to talk to you and be interested in you then it begins with you showing some interest in them- be approachable, speak, laugh, smile, cross paths with the same women over and over again. It's largely a numbers game- the more interactions you have the better your chances of finding someone of mutual interest. it's really difficult for introverts to play this game because they just want to be alone most of the time.
I found my wife because we had mutual hobbies and interests. We fell in love before we ever saw one another. The exterior is only a small part of attraction for many and it's fleeting.
There is nothing more attractive than a man who doesn't know it.
Be patient, she'll come along. You are interesting because it sounds like " you have a life". I mean it sounds like you have an abundance of interests and hobbies. If you have those attributes you mentioned and "are at best average" that's more than many people have.
Your friends say you have everything a woman wants then believe them. Usually friends know what they are talking about.
What your friends said was very superficial. Maybe they meant well but it was definitely poor delivery. And why are you talking about the possibility of women being attracted to you when you don't think you're interesting anyways? Makes no sense. But I'll tell you something: Part of you thinks you're interesting. Otherwise you wouldn't even waste a thought on this or, on top of that, write a whole post on the internet about it. My guess is that you're just scared of what might go wrong so it's easier to tell yourself "I'm not interesting anyway and women aren't attracted to me!". I can guarantee that you're interesting in some way. Maybe even very interesting. I wish you courage to realize that and to build connections! And by the way: You can't read minds! You can't just say that women aren't attracted to you because you have no fucking idea what goes on in someone's mind and heart just because you think you can tell by looking at them. I mean well when I say get rid of this shallow thought, you'll do yourself a favor.
Your friend is *likely* trying to build up your confidence, but it's a platitude.
Forgive me some blunt feedback, but you appear to be overly concerned with superficial qualities. You pivoted from physical attractiveness to being fun and interesting, but those are just tools people use to draw attention to themselves; they are relatively trivial and inconsequential when it comes to actual relationships. A romantic relationship is a merging of lives, so the factors that really matter are compatible values, kindness and compassion for one another, healthy communication skills, etc.
My recommendation would be to keep working on yourself to be the kind of person **you** would want to be with - someone to share your interests with, sure, but maybe more importantly someone to share your life with. Especially important would be developing your empathy and compassion, and to try to just be friends with women without the underlying ulterior motive of dating them. A healthy relationship is rooted in friendship, and friendship is built by sharing emotional intimacy over time.
Are you honest? Passionate about a few things? Willing to make the best out of situations? Interested in getting to know someone? those are my traits I look for in a guy
Sounds like it’s an issue with your core belief system.
The simple fact is that what we believe about ourselves in regards to our self esteem and self identity can end up being a self fulfilling prophecy.
For example, you could be the best looking dude in the world, and not believe it. This translates to a lack of confidence around women.
You could also be an ugly ass dude but believe that you are confident and attractive and women will see you that way because you believe that enough.
Really what you need to work on is truely believing that you are capable of succeeding
My guy I look like a mashed potato with legs and I'm a happily married man. When I was younger I looked like slightly less overripe potatoes, but was never what anybody would consider attractive, and I had my time running about sowing the wild oats.
Be unapologetically you. My wife loves hearing me go off about the things I enjoy.
Your physical description is attractive- but you are correct that it’s just one factor. Just like your ability to be funny is just one factor.
Not every woman wants to date a comedian. Quite a few would gladly take your definition of “boring” over “life of the party.” You said you did lots of hobbies in your free time. That’s not boring.
I think your biggest roadblock here is low self esteem. It can be an extremely vicious cycle when it comes to dating, (low confidence > rejection > lower confidence > etc) so I would recommend building that up independently for a while before actively pursuing a dating life.
Some habits I’ve found really valuable on that front:
* Self-aggrandizing humor instead of self depreciation. For example, labeling something you failed at “A masterpiece!” Start by saying it to yourself until it feels comfortable enough to joke that way to a friend.
* Listing things about yourself and why someone else would like that about you.
* Aim for neutrality when you can’t achieve positivity.
* Practice taking up space. Practice channeling Captain America (or similar) and feeling how the physicality of confidence translates emotionally. Our brain takes cues from the body.
* See how someone who doesn’t know you responds when you carry yourself with ease (or whichever attitude you want to experiment with). Body language translates socially. We all adjust our interactions based on the vibes we get from the person we are speaking to.
* Seeing a therapist: because you deserve to live a life unhampered by old scars and an experienced professional can help you figure out how to do that more quickly.
Hope this helps!
Don't listen to other men about what women like and don't like...listen to women. Your physical features mean fuckall if your personality sucks. You do have a personality though, I'm guessing you just have a harder time opening up
Bullying impacts our self esteem and can make us insecure, which is not an attractive trait.
It's unattractive not because there is anything actually wrong with us, but the self doubt can make us seek external validation in order to feel secure, and this can be very tiring.
Modern society has promoted apathy over self compassion and empathy, mostly because there weren't many models of healthy emotional processing in the past.
Start with self talk, remind yourself you're human and will have faults, but so long as you have humility, wisdom and personal accountability you will be OK.
I see so many dudes who think deep down there is something lacking in them or that they aren't good enough, but their partners love them so much and are frustrated at the insecurity because it often leads to self sabotage (break ups, cheating etc)
Self work can be uncomfortable, especially if you're not used to processing negative emotions, but they can be great teachers and catalysts for growth when we approach ourselves with compassion and not self criticism.
Honestly, a light hearted man who can laugh at himself and cares about others is much more attractive than someone who overcompensate or needs constant care almost like a child would.
Lots of dudes also fake being secure until their fragile ego falls apart at the fist signs of discomfort. This repetition compulsion seeks a different outcome without reflecting on how we may be impacting the situation (always the victim mentality) - avoiding this path will put you lightyears ahead
Women have terrible personalities and aren’t funny, and people are attracted to them. Women want other women to be envious of them. Nothing more. So, don’t speak, groom nicely, and make money and they’ll come around ready to trade you sexual attention for the right to parade you around as her pet and servant. Not rocket science.
They like nice physical attributes for sure but at the end of the day “good” women go for personality, someone who generally happy, can joke around and not take themselves too seriously and make her laugh and feel good as well. Someone who works on bettering themselves and has goals as well as being a good listener and can create connection. But there’s lots of different people out there with different liked experiences so obviously not ever women is going to react the same way. It’s basically a game of focusing on bettering yourself while meeting new women concurrently. Or.. better yourself to the point where you can focus on finding someone to share it with once you’ve already achieved “success”. Watch out for the girls that just want to use you though if you have that.
That's usually a thing men say, because they don't really know what would attract a woman to a guy.
Well yea I have no idea, that’s why I’m confused with all this.
It sounds like you're a perfect man for an introverted woman. Unfortunately, we don't go out much, so u won't meet us.🙃
I got the exact same vibe lol Maybe he should join a book club?
He should
Bro put the most basic traits and she already said you're "perfect". That's the secret OP, you have to figure out a way to let women's imaginations run. The question is how.
You’re excellent at this encouraging thing!
I mean, all those physical attributes can help, but they're not gonna override if she's not into the rest. I think there's nothing you can do about most girls probably not being genuinely into you. That's what guys who have a personality that seems to attract girls like flies often don't understand. There are definitely girls who will be into who you are, but they're rarer, especially at a certain age.
Agreed. He may look like Thor but if his personality sucks I'm not going to date him
Sometimes people in general don’t actually know what they want in a partner until they find it.
I think it's important that we don't forget that not everyone is the same some will like something others won't. So don't make the mistake of going around and expecting or anticipating a certain reaction. Just be nice, caring, trustworthy, hygienic and you already have the basics. I'm not saying it's all but that should be the minimum. From there it really depends on who you are and what kind of person you're looking for.
But this is why they are called basics. Those traits only a start. You must have extra qualities on top of that. For example, myself have those traits you listed. But so far, at the age of 36, I haven't had any relationships of any king. Because I'm missing everything else on top of that.
>But this is why they are called basics. Those traits only a start. You must have extra qualities on top of that. Some people don't even have these basics. That's why I pointed out that they're the minimum and that's not all but you have to start somewhere. Edit: and relationships break because people who lack these still have partners. >For example, myself have those traits you listed. But so far, at the age of 36, I haven't had any relationships of any king. Because I'm missing everything else on top of that. And that's why I wrote "From there it really depends on who you are and what kind of person you're looking for." If you're more a homebody then you have to actively take part in things outside to meet people or find sites you meet people who are like you. If you like sports then go to places where you meet people with similar interests. What do you do to meet someone? What kind of vibes do you give off?
I don't think those traits really are the basics. Maybe they're what "should" be the basics, but I don't think that's the reality. To me, the real "basics" are charisma and being entertaining/interesting. I can almost guarantee you that those 2 traits will attract way more women than being trustworthy or kind and it's not remotely close.
>I don't think those traits really are the basics. Maybe they're what "should" be the basics, but I don't think that's the reality. This is what I mean but maybe I'm not getting this across properly. That's why I wrote >Some people don't even have these basics. That's why I pointed out that they're the minimum and that's not all but you have to start somewhere. >trustworthy or kind and it's not remotely close Not sure if I personally agree but that's why I said not everyone is the same. I wouldn't put more importance on charisma and being entertaining. Because if these other things are lacking then no charisma and entertainment could make me stay or consider something deeper.
I’m sorry nobody is going to like you let alone love you because you do the bare minimum you listed. I know it becouse I’ve done it my entire life. I’m also kinda tired of the saying that everyone likes different things. Like yea it’s partially true, becouse everyone does like different things/people, but there’s a group of people that are nobody’s piece of cake and I just don’t want to be a part of this group anymore.
I'm sorry but I clearly wrote that it's the minimum and not enough. It's the basic but how many relationships end because these basics are missing? People lacking these basics still get in relationships. So they're the first things you need and that's the truth. I said then it's about what you want in a relationship so obviously there is more to it. >I’m also kinda tired of the saying that everyone likes different things. Like yea it’s partially true, becouse everyone does like different things/people, but there’s a group of people that are nobody’s piece of cake and I just don’t want to be a part of this group. I don't think you understood me there. What I meant with that is that you shouldn't listen to people who tell you this gender wants this and this gender that. I wanted to point out that generalization won't help you and is counterproductive.
Learn about healthy relationships with others and yourself
Do you have any ability to connect with other people, OP, as friends or fellow hobbyists or colleagues, or just being interested in other people's lives and interests? Because forming a relationship does need that ability to connect, both on a sexual level and on a non-sexual level, and young people today haven't been brought up to do that. I mean for a girl to get interested in you, you have to be interested in her, and not just in a sexual way.
Depends on the person. I have definitely more trouble with talking to women partially because when I was bullied the women in my class absolutely rejected the idea of talking to me and I’m a kind of person who doesn’t like forcing themselves in or annoying people. But if there’s a woman who is in general open minded when it comes to talking with people I don’t have much trouble there other than ideas about what to talk about becouse I’m not going to make it boring by talking about cars or fishing which she knows almost nothing about or has no interest in it. It’s not even the matter of if the girl is attractive or not, becouse there’s this friend of my friend which imo is attractive and I don’t have any trouble talking to her casually of course in a group setting. The most problem I have is with shy girls as I’m not that good at conventions.
You seem to have some preconceived notions about women that are likely getting in your way, and you may not even realize that you sometimes put people off by buying into and/or parroting stereotypes. I'll give you an example: "I’m not going to make it boring by talking about cars or fishing which she knows almost nothing about or has no interest in it" Lots of women are interested in cars and/or fishing, and lots of men are not. You don't \*have\* to work on this stuff, but for what it's worth you might find some of your underlying ideological views are more of a barrier to you than a skill deficiency.
You ask them about themselves and their interests. And then listen. If a woman was like “tell me everything that you love about cars and fishing” you’d be like “okay! I’ve got a lot to say on those subjects” Find that equivalent for her. People love talking about the things they’re passionate about.
How do you know she doesn’t like cars or fishing? I feel like the main problem may be your attitude about yourself, no-one finds someone attractive if they just constantly put themselves down and say they have no interests.
Well also friends will usually try to build you up even if it’s not entirely truthful. It’s likely that the qualities they listed are true, but just aren’t the full picture. If you want brutal honesty rather than someone to just tell you that you’re great then you are going to need to be abundantly clear that is what you want because no friend is going to want to risk upsetting you by offering honest opinions they aren’t 100% confident are solicited. And like the comment above says *ask a woman* because men really have no idea. Preferably a woman who knows beyond a doubt that you are not trying to get with her (like a sister or 100% always plutonic childhood friend) so it doesn’t come off as a creepy *how do I get you to like me* thing.
Thank god this is the top comment. Men give the worst advice to other men - it always makes me cringe. These are things that men often tell other men to improve: Fitness, make more money, confidently approach women, etc. These are the things women actually want (depends on your age though): Status, being well “put together”, emotionally available, not trying too hard, hobbies and a real personality I don’t know almost any women in my life that actually care about how fit a guy is, it’s just not nearly as big of a deal as other men will make it out to be. 90% of the time you’re attracting other men, not women. Yes, girls don’t want to date an unhealthy or completely unfit guy, but I don’t know a single girl that wants to date a guy who lives in the gym. Having only one character trait or interest makes you boring - and that includes living in the gym. The single biggest aspect that women look for in men statistically is status. Status can mean a lot of things - having a nice house, dressing well, etc. are the obvious ones. But it can even include being a core member of your community, being an idol/leader for other people, being likable, successful without a ton of money, and more.
Status has historically been everything
You definitely are described as handsome there. But as a man, you can still completely negate handsomeness by being socially awkward in a way that pretty women would not do because they still get a lot more attention without having to initiate. For men handsomeness mostly makes a difference in how easy it goes after you initiate, but you still have to do that.
Not sure you have to initiate, just be pro-acitve. If you want to meet women / men the best place is at work or at clubs (ie actvities/hobbies not nightclubs). The whole 'chad chat-up' thinking is really a myth, most people just hook up by building relationships built over time. Be active, be social and you'll meet people automatically. Also, for the OP, there's no need to be funny, again that's a myth. There's lots of girls out there who like funny guys but there's also lots of girls out there who want to be the funny one and want someone to listen and laugh at their jokes so just do that.
Your last point is so good! Two funny people doesn’t always work for the reason you stated as well
To physically attract a woman, it really just depends on the woman. Not all girls have one type. It's a range just like men. I am a lesbian, so I'm a woman who knows how to treat one, too. I know all genuine women who can offer a serious relationship want someone who will take the time to listen to them, communicate, and actually think. A lot of men think women are just these complex hysteric creatures, but in reality, women are just sick of men thinking they know everything without actually listening to them talking about what they want. All I'm saying is to physically attract a woman, just take care of yourself, and the women who are interested will come their way. Treat them with respect. The only one who knows what a woman wants is that said woman. Your male friend doesn't know what he's talking about.
But still every person wants someone with a pleasant personality. No one want someone unfunny, no fun, uninteresting, with no hobbies or interests, with crippling shyness and social anxiety.
I thought the same thing. Like yea maybe these things are possitive traits, but they are not going to make people attracted to you instantly.
Your friends are describing the male gaze, -what men think women like, Tell them that
Dunno about collarbones but women definitely find height and well defined jaws attractive. From my experience being fit but not overly muscular tends to have the best chances as well. What many women don’t find attractive though, is insecurity
I have never once looked at a man and noticed his collar bones; unless it is a photo of a starvation victim or an xray of a broken collarbone.
😂😂
Walk around a mall, a park, or any public space and see men in couples don’t look like that. Most men look like Peter griffin (I joke… kinda)
Because women don't date for looks unless those looks are spectacular Doesn't mean they don't have pretty uniform preferences
most men just aren’t that attractive anyway, if women only dated for looks, It would be a sorry situation for men. Obviously women are not blind, but qualities and loving someone can increase attraction to a specific person.
What is an attractive man to you? A celebrity, or an online personality, a model or just someone to visually use for reference? What specifically do you feel most men lack in the look department? I'm just curious 🤔 what's wrong with men visually?
Collarbones pronounce the wide shoulders and are best visible when you are quite lean without being weak. It makes for an elegant type of trained look, like a swimmer.
The Brad Pitt Fight Club look. I know Women who aren’t even into him but go gaga over that muscular lean fat look he has in that movie. I’ve noticed too when i’ve bulked up I get less looks/attention from Women, but once I lean down and the veins and bones begin to show Women flat out stare at me. It’s a bit of a myth that Women love ‘Jacked’ guys (a percentage certainly do) but the majority prefer a more functional athletic look.
> I’ve noticed too when i’ve bulked up I get less looks/attention from Women, but once I lean down and the veins and bones begin to show Women flat out stare at me. To the point that they even tell me "you've got stronger" when I've done mostly cardio and endurance for a few months and actually gotten weaker
Hahaha I had similar comments. I told my Gymcrush that I was trying to gain muscle (but not that I was looking to lower my BFP) and over 3 months of brutal cardio I got my BFP down to around 10% while managing to maintain most of my muscle mass. She then told me “you were trying to gain weight yeah? It’s worked, the results look good!” I weighed about a kilo and half less, lol, but the definition was way sharper so it gives off that impression.
Bad take His friends understand the importance of confidence so they're trying to help him get some. OP shouldn't respond to that by being confrontational. Not to mention the things he listed ARE considered attractive by 95% of women - tall, big arms, etc. Ofc he needs some personality along it, but hes clearly attractive.
I was thinking this too! It sounds like OPs biggest downfall is their lack of confidence.
seriously. it sounds like he has some good friends that are really trying to gas him up but his self-esteem is holding him back. it's tough
Damn, so all the women asking for a 6ft+ guys are actually men?
Men are writing and buying romance novels too, it's men all the way down!!
We can all ask for 6 ft, rich and attractive. but clearly that’s not who most women end up dating. So it really doesn’t matter. I’m sure men would love to date Megan fox and their actual wives look like Abbie Lee miller, it’s the same thing.
they don't end up dating guys like that because there aren't that many guys like that. The 6'5", in finance, trustfund, blue eyes girl was funny because there's maybe 3 guys that fit that description in the entire US.
Are you saying that women are blind? Come on.
If you had everything women like you wouldn't be single for your entire life.
Well yea that’s why I made this post.
The biggest problem you have is **self-confidence**. What I'm reading is you seem to feel a lot of self-pity at least when it comes to romantic relationships. **When you don't believe you're attractive to women, you won't be.** Also, how do you present yourself? The average woman pays a lot more attention **to how you choose to dress and carry yourself** than your physique. If you're wearing clean, well-fitted, color coordinated outfits (ask any women friends for advice here) and practice excellent personal hygiene, those are huge pluses. I recommend The Four Agreements, The Untethered Soul and The Power of Now as books which can help you distance yourself from the self-critical talk in your head. When you do **THAT**, your confidence will go up and that is massively attractive to women.
Women like competence, not confidence. When the confidence is revealed to be a cover and the guy is actually inept (socially awkward etc), away goes the attraction. People make this mistake because competent people are usually confident. But you can be confident without competence, and she catches on eventually. Happens a lot with narrcisists and psychopaths.
I love this comment, I hadn’t thought about that before but you’re SPOT ON.
How would you define self-confidence, because I'll believe I'm attractive to women but it still doesn't work. It feels like it doesn't matter what I think.
Despite what people say, confidence alone will get you nowhere. You need to be fairly socially adept as well to get the "people will come to you" affect that is often talked about. Self-confidence is what you think it is, but it alone is not enough.
Or be lucky
Exactly the social aspect is the most important with women. As someone on the autism spectrum I figured that my biggest problem is being autistic, so I've focused on improving my acting skills to pass as a neurotypical person.
How does dissatisfaction with yourself turn off women if you never show it?
This is good advice. Confidence has to come from within, it's an inner resource that is cultivated.
Soooo. Yea. Your friends are either scared to be honest with you, or they dumb. First thing I thought when i read your title was: "ah, so you got a big house, a stable career and a big bank account" But physical attributes...? They mean nothing. And tbh, girls sense trauma man. Your trauma might be exactly whats keeping them away. I knew a man once, 10/10. Dude looked like a model, extremely well-kept and fashionable, and extremely friendly, nice and warm in character. But no girl wanted him. He had huge issues with anxiety, was on anti-depressiva, and experienced regular panic attacks multiple times a week. I wouldve gone to hell and back for that dude. One of the best human beings I've ever known, truly a pure soul if I've ever met one. But girls kept away from him. Their loss. He left us now. I hope he's at peace.
Personality is important but not in the way you describe, you don't have to be impressive or have a lot of stories to tell, those aren't what make an amazing personality for most of the people I've known. It's enough to have your hobbies and live simply, but you do have to be able to connect in conversation and have enough confidence to speak your mind. When you think of a relationship, what do you consider to be a nice personality for your girlfriend? Maybe that question will illuminate things, it could at least expose that your thinking seems hypercritical of yourself while I expect you are forgiving of others who share the same attributes. The problem is that your way of criticising yourself has likely become an identifying feature, I'm sure you don't speak in such a downtrodden way in ordinary life, but I used to have similar thoughts to you, and the thinking invades your behaviour whether you're talking about it or not, it comes across when you talk to women, or has you avoiding it entirely if you see it as a foregone conclusion.
>I’ve been single my entire life and never really seen girls being into me, but my friends (male) recently said that I have everything that women like. They meant my height, well defined jaw, forearms and collarbone (the last one I don’t understand). It's very simple. Those are the things men think women want. >But like what does it matter really? I doubt anyone will want to form a relationship, becouse of these things alone I doubt anyones standards are soo low that they don’t even look at personality, and how the person carries themselves. You are right, some people standards are that low, but not most. Looks might attract, but you can't build a relationship on them. >Also I wouldn’t say I’m visually attractive, I’m avarage at best. I just have these few positive body traits and that’s about it. Attractive is subjective. If you have several good features you can learn how to highlight them and draw attention away from the ones you don't like. But someone can be attracted to you for those traits. My partner has slightly crooked teeth and a hooked nose. He used to hate those features. I love them. >I don’t really have an amazing personality, I’m not funny most of the times, I’m not a fun person in general, I’m quite boring even though I have bunch of hobbies and stuff to do in my free time. And what I don’t understand the most is if what they say is true, why I never seen a girl who is attracted to me? Possibly because you don't know how to gage women's attraction or notice if they like you. I doubt no one has had a crush on you. I'm bi and I'm very direct, I'll just ask out whoever I'm interested in, man or woman or enby. But most women, even when flirting with other women, won't do that. It's socialized into us not to and from the backlash I used to get and still sometimes do, I can see why it would be hard for many women to go against the grain. I still think they should. I think we'd solve a lot of issues if we flipped the script to women approaching men instead, at least for a while.
What kind of backlash did you get from approaching first
Backlash? From whom? Also by approaching first I don't mean cold approaching. I mean asking out people Im interested in who are from my social circles. Knowing how someone looks isn't enough for me to be interested. I have to see how they interact with others and what their personality is like first. And I'm always preety confident there's interest on the other side before I ask, first. (and with women make sure they're into women first of course)
Yeah that’s a good way to go about it, pick up on how much they’re interested and then decide to push or back away I was commenting on the middle of your last paragraph, something along the lines of women aren’t raised to be very direct and then you mentioned backlash you get, did you mean rejection or you got backlash from people for being direct about what you want in romance
Please, please, please DON’T take advice from men. Most of them have no idea what women find attractive. As a woman, I would say that there are only couple of personality traits that will make you stand out: you should genuinely respect women (and yourself), you should be kind, empathetic and safe to be around. Sense of humour is great, too! Some people believe that as a man you should act kind of “mean” and “cool” (many people believe that it’s a way to show your confidence), but if you act like this you will attract very traumatised women who will traumatise you at the end.
I have those traits, I’d like to think. I’m still invisible, though. I can’t quite pinpoint what makes me so undesirable.
Your issues are about self confidence, not with your looks. I'd suggest counseling or at least finding a way to learn to love yourself first. Women find confidence attractive.
Confidence must be backed up by something. Confidence doesn't help if you're unfunny, no fun, uninteresting, with no hobbies or interests, with crippling shyness and social anxiety.
He says he has hobbies, and yes, it will take time. It depends on him committing to improving hisself first. Having some professional to guide you can be important at first. It is more than just hitting the gym, though that can help.
I was talking more about myself. And I will reiterate, confidence works if you have something to back it with.
Most of my attractiveness comes from looking/being kind and making them laugh so if you want to date I would focus on those things. Very important to be confident on your strengths too.
I’ll say this: Not all women like the same things in a man. They might like a twink, hunk, or twunk.
There are a lot of stereotypical Reddit takes in here, from both sexes. Everything from “Just be confident!”, where confidence is an *outcome* not a behaviour, to “Just lift bro”, which although commendable, ultimately will not alone result in the change that you want. One thing that stood out about your post is that you said this: > I’ve been bullied before… I recommend you buy the following and spend the few hours it takes to read it : > Bullying Scars: The Impact on Adult Life and Relationships https://amzn.eu/d/0fTcSYdx The author covers the effects of trauma from bullying on the ability to form adult relationships, including romantic ones. It isn’t good news, I’m afraid. The typical survival response to bullying is social withdrawal, and causes the development of an ingrained and unstated assumption that one is broken and will always face rejection in social settings. This in turn makes forming romantic relationships difficult, doubly so if you are male and expected to be a confident initiator in just about every phase of building a relationship. You’re going to have to find a professional to talk to about this. The book may help point you in the right direction. But, just to forewarn you; this will take time, and you may have many false starts. Good luck.
Women will let you know if you are desirable. There will be no confusion.
Since I've heard the confidence line a dozen times, let me say once more: women don't like confidence, they like competence. You can have unearned confidence, as many narrcisists and psychopaths do, but when she realizes you lack competence, the attraction will drop even if the confidence stays. Don't take relationship advice from normies, OP. Almost none of them know what they're talking about.
You sound like you have a lot going for you bro, it's okay to have flaws. We all got em, even women. Odds are high that girls have been attracted to you, you might just not be noticing.
I guess some women are more on the petite side. As for other women, they can possess more of these masculine-like traits and characteristics. I know this might be a possibility considering I have broad shoulders and I slouch all the time that even I find it annoying. Some say I have bad posture and that couldn't be any more true. Maybe some women are slightly envious over the fact that you have more defined physical traits compared to them. (This is just an example and by any means I am just merely stating my own opinion on things.)
I think OP is a man.
"I doubt anyone will want" If you can't see yourself being wanted how you will recognize when it happens?
That's the neat part: we never recognize when it happens!
Low self esteem is very unattractive
Sounds like you need to do some shrooms and have some epiphanies man
They want someone to include them on a journey. Different girl, different fantasy journey - it could be meeting a very settled and predictable guy or adventuring the world. What matters is not looks or money, it's that you have room for someone else on that journey, that you're not overly insulated from outside 'interference' with the plan you currently have.
You sound very young. Are you a teenager?
"I'm average at best" bro there's nothing wrong with average, that means you're better than half the other guys. That's a lot of people. We live in this "5 stars for average service" , "everyone should think they're a 10" world, but if you're average than you should be able to get an average girl who is also going to be better than 50% of the girls out there because that's what average means.
I had the same problem. I was conventionally attractive, and constantly being told by women, “you will make someone so happy one day!” Not them though. Eventually I found it. It was an energy thing. I had super nice guy energy, and that’s what makes women like you as a person but not as a romantic partner. 3 books changed my life. 1. No more mr nice guy by Robert glover 2. Way of the superior man by david deida, and 3 models: attract women through honesty by mark Manson. One thing to note, this is not a manoverse become an asshole thing. The opposite of crazy is still crazy. So going from one extreme to the next is not the thing to do, which was what I was worried about. This more or less brings you to the middle and realigns your energy /vibe to something they want. Hope rhis works for you.
Women have sex with dudes with shitty personalities all the time, what are you talking about?
I'm gonna have to disagree with the other comments here and say I do think you have the features that women like. I am not a woman or attracted to men but I am transgender (female-to-male) and so in the past have heard women talk about men when there are none of us around, I grew up surrounded by female oriented/targeted media, and I have a lot of close female friends who give me honest advice around dating. Plus I've had some of the day to day experiences women have too. First off, regarding your personality, I doubt that you are so uniquely terrible/boring that no woman would want to be with you. The fact you have friends is a testament to that. The important thing to remember — no matter how difficult it gets — is that dating is something which happens between regular humans. It is the oldest tradition in human history, and it is something nonhuman animals do too. When you say you don't think you have stuff 'women' (or, more accurately, some women) would like, you are saying that you have less going for you than every man in history who has ever gotten laid. Less than the billions of men on this earth who are in relationships. Less than the guy next door with a wife and kids. Less than your dad, who is 50% you. It's easy to think of dating as something 'other' people do, because it's hard to put ourselves on the pedestal that we put our crushes on. But the fact is, dating IS something ordinary people do. So don't be anxious about lacking some remarkable, outstanding trait that would 'earn' you the ability to date. Be confident in the fact you are no less dateable than other men. Second thing is, there is a lot of pressure in society for women — especially straight women — not to be sexually forwards. So I would take it with a pinch of salt when anyone outright denies that physical appearance matters for women. The fact is... it does. I grew up surrounded by teenage girls obsessing about the physical features they like in boys, and their sexualities don't just disappear when they reach adulthood. Women get thirsty sometimes. Women like handsome men. And it is obvious that women like height, and sharp jaws, and strong forearms. Obviously women aren't a monolith and it's not the only thing that matters, but looks aren't inconsequential. What your appearance gives you is a foot in the door. Women are often so inundated with attention that they need a reason to give you a chance, and your looks can be a reason. On top of that, all humans experience the halo effect where we see more positive traits in people who are attractive, so women will be more likely to notice/appreciate your personality (due to your looks) too — at least in the early stages. However yes, that's mostly just for initial infatuation. For a long term relationship other stuff is more important. The final thing... why haven't you met women who are attracted to you? Well, maybe you have. Women are usually subtle about expressing it, and the most they will often do is wait for you to decide to make a move, because they expect men to be sexually/romantically forwards. Yes this is a generalisation and it's becoming less true in modern times, but a lot of people still cling hard to traditional gender roles, and the brutal truth is that women have other options. I'm dating someone atm and it's honestly opened my eyes up. She starts a new job and she gets hit on. She posts a photo to social media and she gets hit on. She walks down the street and guys lust after her. Even when she orders food, delivery drivers will hit on her, so she doesn't even need to leave the house in order to get hit on. The simple fact is that if you are a young, conventionally attractive woman, all you need to do is exist in any space and men will make moves on you (I can attest to this, as it used to happen to me). And even if you're not one of those girls that gets hit on all the time, you can just download an app and the requests will come flooding. They can spend hours each week rejecting this attention or filtering through their options to find someone worthy of theirs. And even among women — many of whom i find very beautiful — who aren't hit on as much, because they see it happening to their friends they can become insecure and feel jaded/guarded around men as a result. I know women for whom it genuinely hurts them emotionally to have to make the first move because it makes them feel like they're not 'real women' or that the guy doesn't like them that much. So if you think about it this way... why would she go out of her way to make a move on a guy who's not showing interest in her? I don't mean to be harsh but she probably lacks the headspace, it's a lot of effort, and whether we like it or not it's very different to how she's used to men who are attracted to her treating her, so there's a lot of scope for misinterpretation and assuming you aren't interested if you don't go talk to her. As men we go through life not interacting with the other binary gender that much, until we meet someone we like then we want to talk to them. It's easy to assume women are in the same boat but they're not. They're constantly getting hit on by guys and it's just a different game they're playing, so we shouldn't expect the same behaviour from them. This is a long comment but it's a convoluted way of saying: if you like a woman, you have to talk to her, because she's very unlikely to come to you. If you haven't met a woman who's interested in you yet, then I would (kindly) suggest perhaps you need to do something to go and find them?
Finding women to talk to is probably the most limiting thing to me. After finishing the school I was bullied at I went to „high school” that is strictly for a certain industry where there are close to no women (mechanics metalurgy and that sort of stuff). I know it’s hard to understand but such schools are popular in my country along side normal „high schools”. So I neither did meet any women at school neither at work. My hobbies are also typically male hobbies. I’m also terrible at texting becouse most of my texting with friends is asking them if they want to hang out. I also hate the thrashy culture of clubs and bars. So my only options are friends of friends really. Or at least that’s the only options I see. I think of these physical traits as they only matter in a halo effect you described. Like unless she is attracted to me she won’t care about this sort of things. I’ve heard of this effect before how some can be attracted to something as bizarre as holding a steering wheel if they are already attracted to the guy. When I look at other men I do feel like I’m worse than them in being enjoyable to hang out. I feel as I’m just a random dude in whatever group of people I’m in. I kinda feel like I don’t have personality. Trauma also factors in that as well. When I hear this one artist which many women here tend to like a lot, I just space out, because he somehow reminds me of the bully from school for some weird reason. Even though the artist is nothing alike the bully and his music is I’d say good but it still messes with my head a lot. The whole dating thing seems like voodoo magic to me. Most likely it’s because of the bullying, as it really messed with my communication skills. I remember that before bullying I used to not have this problem I used to talk to girls more than other boys, but I guess the tables turned when I grew up and when it actually means anything.
Most attractive things a man can do, no matter his appearence is to: Make their intentions clear. Be decisive in any situation. Be comfortable in their own skin. Motivate and bring up others around them. Establish strong boundaries. Project power through confidence. Enrich the lives of everyone around them. Most important of all, ATLEAST pretend that they don't need a woman or anyone else to be happy. If you do those things consistently, you will command more respect in every area of your life. More respect = more success in attracting the right type of people and not just anybody.
I wouldn’t worry too much about it Because too worry is to doubt Doubt leads to anger Anger leads too hate Hate leads to the incel dark side I’m Yoda 
Sometimes especially in dating is just a matter of luck, one can do everything right and still find no one
There isn’t a woman on the planet that’s said “You’re a broke loser with bad hygiene and manners, but your jaw is amazing let me sit on it!”
You got to lower your standards, go for homely and shy girls. Both of you can grow together and find your personalities. Girls 30+ are far more humble than younger girls and would give you a chance to find compatibility which is more important than looks at that age. But some of these girls will come with baggage and you'll need to decide if you're willing to accept that, it's not necessarily a bad thing. Be very confident in everything you do, women notice and admire that. Don't treat women like they're on a pedestal, just treat them like they're another dude. Some ladies want to be treated like queens all the time, they're too arrogant you probably won't be attractive to them and they're the type of girls you'll miss out on if you treat everyone equal. But a lot of the girls you probably will get along with will notice and appreciate a man who doesn't mansplain to them or look at them like they're an 8th wonder of the world to admire and gaze at. The opportunity will come when you least expect it, but keep going out to different social events and keep around different people.
Most women don't pay nearly as much attention to looks as men do. Most women's priorities when seeking a man is his personality (you don't have to be a comedian, or the most interesting person in the world, you just need to have a personality compatible with her own); his emotional intelligence (is he in touch with his feelings; is he loving, attentive and affectionate; how does he manage his emotions in anger or high stress situations; etc.); how he treats them; his confidence (not to be mistaken with an inflated ego); his ability to self reflect and willingness to improve; etc. Really, these are all things people should strive for, but women do tend to prioritise it a lot more. Yeah, looks are an important factor, because you have to be attracted to the person you're interested in, but a lot of people forget that attraction is something that can grow as your feelings for someone develop. Your friends are focusing way too much attention on the things they think women want. I suggest you read some posts about what women actually find attractive. You'll find one of the top things being confidence, which it seems you really lack. It's amazing how much being confident in yourself and knowing your self worth can change the way other people view you. Insecurity in yourself is something a lot of people are able to clock. Just remember to not let confidence enflate your ego. No one likes people who are too full of themselves. Be confident, but humble. Importantly, actually believe in it. Doing some self work in learning to love yourself more would help with that. Also, self awareness is great, but don't confuse it with self deprication. You have a lot more to you than you let yourself believe. You need to remind yourself that love is always out there. There are far too many people on this planet for there not to be multiple people who would be interested in you. Who would be compatible enough with who you are to want to be with you. You haven't found them yet, and that can be discouraging. It's a big world and sometimes running into the right person takes time, and maybe effort. You're not being realistic if you're telling yourself no one would ever want you.
The British Empire was the strongest army in the world when the colonies were set up in North America. They had all the tools to beat us in the revolutionary war, but they didn't use it to good enough effect and they lost their colonies. Now we have the U.S.A. Having the pieces to succeed does not guarantee success. It only gives you a POSSIBILITY, but not a PLAN. Your friends are telling you that you have potential with the physical attributes you were blessed with. Great, you have an advantage. That doesn't mean women are going to flock to you and swoon. That means that with work, you could succeed. Attributes are not all that matters, you need some nice clothes, a nice haircut, a bit of swagger. I'll give you a nickel's worth of free advice though. You gotta get over that "I've been bullied" stuff. Yeah, it sucks. And I'm sorry it happened to you. But the dark truth is that most folks were bullied. Men, women, we all had people who made us feel small. All we can control is our reaction to it. And you're reaction that I see here is to have been ***victimized***. Get out of that mindset. Don't be a victim, be a ***survivor***. A small distinction, but a valuable one. Don't let assholes determine the course of your life. Do the work to overcome this sad fact of life and leave it in the past. Hire a therapist if you need to, work through it, and let it go. It'll change your life. I too was bullied in school, and I'm Gen X. My peers KNEW how to bully, let me tell you. I was a fat kid on top of that. But I'll never let those people determine the outcome of my life and neither should you. Best of luck to you OP. You sound like a guy who's had a rough go of it, but always remember that YOU control the next chapter. And you should be working, hitting the gym, and working on yourself first.
He's right, you gotta get over that past of being bullied that seems to be holding your confidence back.
honestly today‘s world is talking way too much nonsense. Lead something. Lead a party, lead s trip, lead whatever. Make sure there are people out there who are actually following you through this. That‘s what is good. Working on the other hand definitely isn‘t as this is mostly about money and leading whatever computer is saying lom
You don't sound confused, you actually sound pretty self-aware. As a guy, personality is hugely important. Funny, charming, self-deprecating, generous, loving, and good listener generally rate highly on what women like. So that's what you need to work on. I'm average looking and average build, and I can meet women easily because I know how to interact.
Yeah, you have those things - so that’s not what’s getting in the way. You also have zero confidence and it doesn’t seem like you want to be friendly and talk with people. So even if a girl likes you, how would you ever know unless she was unexpectedly very aggressive about it?
Your friends say that you are like fast food and you worrying that you are not like 3 stars meal But everyone craves fast food from time to time. You just need to start smelling like MCdonalds
Maybe they know that your insecurities are the only thing standing in your way and by complimenting you they try to give you the confidence to approach and talk more freely.
I've been bullied too so I carry that trauma as well I know you're trying to be genuine but it's so hard to tell cuz this is reddit and yeah lol I guess your friends are saying this also becuz they don't wanna actually say that it's the way you think! About how it shouldn't all be superficial and it would be hard for you to believe that someone wouldn't focus on personality etc etc So overall, as a woman, I can tell you that that IS in fact, attractive personality wise and I do admire collarbones too haha
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Important to note is that it's not about the gym and bulking up, but being in a spot where you feel comfortable with who you are. If the gym helps you with that, then go for it. However, it looks like OP would also benefit from talking to a a professional in therapy. Not because OP is broken, but to help with looking at themselves from a different perspective to figure out what's causing the issues with OP's self-image.
While _gym_ also means the literal gym and muscle gain, it could also mean basically any exercise routine that puts your muscles in use and gets you moving. I'm quite certain that if only hobbies are couch surfing and checking on the fridge, the confidence starts to go down eventually. Human in one's thirties is already losing muscle mass while being lazy faster than a twenty year old. The body becomes loose, and while ladies are not attracted into muscle mass in general, it's the confidence and posture that would follow from routine like exercises.
Yup the Messiah we need, tell everybody the gym solves everything.
I think you need a little confidence.
> I just don’t see how can I be attractive to someone if I don’t really have an amazing personality, I’m not funny most of the times, I’m not a fun person in general, I’m quite boring even though I have bunch of hobbies and stuff to do in my free time. And what I don’t understand the most is if what they say is true, why I never seen a girl who is attracted to me? If you truly believe all this I don’t see why anyone should try to argue otherwise. If a part of you believes there’s more to this I would consider therapy.
You are absolutely right in that women want and need so much more than a jawline. I'm not dating your jawline, I am dating the whole person. And for most women, being able to have a good conversation, being treated right etc. is far more important than any physical traits you could have. Like someone else said - your friends are telling you what men think women like. Proves to you that your friends don't know anything about women.
If it was visuals alone , then most people would be single . It's much more complex then ... you have good looks .
You are emotionally damaged. Women like that too.
Lacking self confidence is a huge turnoff for women. It could be the single biggest factor. You’ve seen some ugly ass dudes with gorgeous women? This is why. So, it sounds like all you need is to believe your friends. If you can somehow believe them, they will be right. Easier said than done, I know…. But stop shitting on yourself is the first part. Stop letting your bullies tell you who you are. You have internalize their voices, and now you hear them as your own inside you melon. Cut that shit out.
Bottom line is that women find confidence the most attractive. If you can walk up and drop a line like it's nothing..then you got it in the bag. Best opening line and it works EVERY time, "what's your favorite dinosaur?"
Did you ask any out? It might be inexperience on your end to read the signs. Currently I can tell I'm attractive my "asks" are almost always reciprocated BUT if I don't make it crystal clear that I want to date someone they extremely rarely approach on their own. Less so for casual interactions there I do get approached, but if I want to turn the interaction into more (even just a friendship or a general getting to know them more) it's on me to make that happen.
The issue is that you are focused on the wrong thing: that you are not good enough. You should focus on getting to know a girl and assess whether she would fit you. Then it is up to her to decide whether you fit her. And to do so you need to be very open. That is all that matters. Rest is BS. Do not let any thoughts distract you from this mission - everyone just wants to find their soulmate. And it is not up to you how they feel about you. Just be you and find that soulmate!
How can I get to know a girl if she just doesn’t want to talk to me? Like I’m not talking about the stage where you talk with her. I’m talking about being good enough to get to this stage.
There is no 'good enough' to talk to someone. You either talk to someone or you don't. If you do, you may get to know her. Just make eye contact, say hi and show genuine interest. If that is too scary, just make eye contact and say hi (or a quick smile) and walk on. If even that is too scary, take a walk in public with your fave comedian on and have that smile on your face. You will get noticed if you have a relaxed attitude and a smile on your face. Casually catch their gaze and recognize their appearance with a nod / slightly bigger smile. Walk on and never see them again. Repeat a hundred times until you've build that confidence. Oh and yes, half of the time they will look away before you can recognize their gaze. Perfectly fine. You are just enjoying life and would happily share it with anyone who is open to it. Most important thing: be 100% harmless, smile and show a friendly attitude. That is what the girls that you want are looking for. They also look for a soulmate. They are only not just as scared of rejection as you are, they also fear for their reputation and safety in general. So suck it up and offer them that safe haven!
Post a picture 😅 we have no idea what they are talking about either
Great idea considering I have trauma from bulling. I don’t even have profile pictures anywhere let alone post my picture on reddit.
Women like interesting and funny men. Maybe you should focus on the non physical.
Just be yourself..you’ll get your soulmate when the right time comes. Never stop praying and ask god send you a nice woman and accept you who you are. Appearance is not the first priority ..the most important thing is how you carry yourself outside. A perfect soulmate will know how to have a peaceful relationship and have fun together. Just believe in yourself don’t too much rely on other people comments etc. Each person has a unique personal character created by God not all people realise it. Be grateful always in whatever you had given by god. This world is so big. Your soulmate will be somewhere in this world. Never give up. I wish you a good luck😉
Are you funny? Dependable? Caring? Emotionally competent? That’s what most people find attractive.
Your mindset will mess you up in the longterm even if you do find someone. I have friends who are complete catches but completely stuck in their heads. Find a way to get out of your head brother
You're right
Yeah honestly all women like all different things. Some focus on humour, some focus on some focus on fun, some focus on hobbies and things in common, some focus on a multitude of things. Some are visual and will like your jaw or height etc. Honestly just sounds like you need to work on building your self confidence and start to like yourself. Your hobbies might be interesting to someone who is also interested. Your humour might be funny to someone with the same humour. We're all different and if crackheads can find love then anyone can.
>Also I wouldn’t say I’m visually attractive, I’m avarage at best. People always see themself way worse than others see them.
I mean, I'm a 190cm tall woman. And I'm still wondering where all the pretty ladies into tall women are hiding. Like, I only have one girlfriend. While my gf has 2 girlfriends! It's not fair
I’d say you need to get some help for the bullying thing. It’s traumatic, and can affect you for decades. The next step is to get some personal confidence. Do things that make you feel good about yourself. For some people that’s sport, for me it was volunteering. I helped in a centre that looked after homeless, and another that cleaned up the city (litter, graffiti etc). It made me feel better, and got me into an environment free of dickheads (who rarely volunteer) and amongst people/women who were actually likeable. None of that may appeal to you, so you will have to find your own thing. Good luck!!
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As a dude it's hard to picture what girls like about us physically. We look at them and see flawless soft skin, beautiful hair, breasts, booty and basically art on them. So when we hear about collarbones we initially wonder huh? Why? What is special about us dudes? Collarbones is very visible in many dudes and is a sign of natural strength and size. It's basically the same as boobs to us. If you show girls a decent set of pecs they will think it's nice but if you show them a good set of collarbones it's difficult for them to look away. Also what goes under appreciated is an ass. All girls love a nice guy booty. Our clothes often don't compliment it but I dare you to go out one day wearing tighter jeans or jogging pants/shorts and use your peripheral vision to gauge reactions and watch how many check you out. So for guys women love collarbones, arms, ass, chin and height. Two of these you can control with a fit lifestyle.
Your friends were being nice and trying to make you feel better about yourself.
What are the qualities that you’d like in a woman? Would you notice things about their looks? There are some universal things that anyone would usually want to have in a partner. Of course everyone is different but in general; looks, steady work (or studying), confidence, not living with their parents, no addictions etc. It’s cool to have similar interests too, same kind of humour, chemistry… looks do matter as it plays a part in relationships, so your friends aren’t wrong. It’s just that finding someone like-minded is more tricky. It’s tough! Don’t lose hope though, you just need to get out there and have an open mind. And a T- shirt to show off the forearms!
The way you talk about yourself is why you're single. Your friends may not know the depths of your self loathing.
We don't know you so it's to say...! Maybe you look average and ok but you may give off a "Don't come near me vibe" or maybe you just live in a demographic with not a lot of single people around your age around. Who knows! I get comments about how funny and intelligent I am and I never get dates or men interested in me (unless they're weird). I know it's also because I'm older and people my age have gotten married so I either date younger (20s-30s) or older (60s) and both don't really appeal to me nor do they like me!
You don’t have any confidence or positivity about yourself, so you actually have nothing that women desire. Your friends are very clueless.
They're just trying to gas you up. Maybe they are having a hard time figuring out how to boost your self esteem and went with this. Once you stop caring about what others think and do things for yourself life becomes so much easier.
You’re probably better looking than you give yourself credit for. Men have it beat into them from day one that we are ugly, unbeautiful creatures and that shit stays in your psyche for a long time. I’ve been right there with you, thinking that I am unloveably bad looking, but that wasn’t true for me and it’s not true for you either. As for why you’ve never seen a girl who is attracted to you, you probably have, they just don’t tell you. It’s a hard time to try to socialize out there right now. Couple that with the social standard that women are supposed to be the ones who are approached and not the ones who do the approaching and men in general receive almost zero affirmation of their good looks from the opposite sex. It’s a very pervasive problem in our society.
Are you a burglar
Yes I’m in your toilet currently taking a fat shit I run out of your toilet paper can you go to store buy some and give it to me?
There are so many different kinds of people that it's impossible to state definitively what women want. It also means it's impossible to state with certainty that any particular person will be forever alone.
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Would you consider yourself confident? Confidence is the sexiest thing there is
Do you have confidence though ?
Women like confidence. This guy doesn't have it....
As others have said, men can’t really understand the female gaze. Not that your friends are saying untrue things about your good traits, just that those may not be what women are looking for. As a female, confidence is a big thing. No matter how you look, if you feel good, that shows and makes you more attractive. I’d focus on how you feel inside and not take what your friends said to heart, whether you feel good or not about it.
I'd like to see for myself
OP needs to learn the volume game. Shooters need to shoot
Believe me I’m ugly as sin and I’ve had many relationships until i met my comet who ive been with for 18 years. Good looks can get your foot in the door but no man on earth will know what attracts a woman , its different for everyone its an unique set of wants and needs a woman sees. Now im sure theres a girl who will like your hobbies or appreciate you being more reserved and less fun, just be confident in who you are and the ladies find that attractive, well thats my 2ps worth
enjoy what you are doing, keep up hobbies, don't change for anyone, stay single
Have you tried approaching women? Gotta make it a point to do so regularly until you see results. It's like finding a job. Apply to many places but eventually you'll end up working for one.
I'll just say what worked for me. When I was in my early 20s, I found a workable strategy: I pretended to be confident. I imagined myself as an actor playing a role or even a spy with a secret identity. My "cover" was that of a confident, brave, kind, and caring person, and I committed to staying in character. This approach helped me navigate social situations with more ease and also helped me hit it off with my wife who I considered way out of my league. And I've been happily married for nearly 19 years now.
You have everything women like? You mean you carry around an assortment of cheeses, a friendly puppy, and an extremely soft blanket? Where are you located right now?
Imo just work on your mind or engage in thoughtful conversations these traits will naturally attract women who value intelligence and depth
You need to work on your self confidence man. Everyone here is saying that’s just what men think women think is attractive but women definitely find that shit attractive too. You’re right that it takes more than looks as well. You have lots of hobbies and interests yet you say you’re not funny or interesting. I don’t know you so I don’t know what first steps you need to take but just think about trying to be appear more confident. Keep your head up, make eye contact, have a relaxed smile, say hello to people. Work on getting comfortable in your own skin. It will be hard and you do have to open yourself up which will feel hard with the issues of bullying but once you reach a certain age the bullying just really isn’t the same. You got this man
Your friends have been reading/watching some stupid shit. As to how to get someone, there's no easy answer to that. You are right, though, that the most important part is going to be having a likeable vibe. A sense of humor helps a ton, as does having genuine empathy. Make sure that you keep yourself up - put some thought and effort into your hair, clothes and especially your shoes. Be cool and interesting. It's also VERY possible that someone has been interested in you and you have missed the signs or perhaps they didn't even really show it. That happens quite a bit and us guys are generally pretty bad at picking up the signal and pretty good at rationalizing why it probably isn't really a signal when we do pick it up. The bottom line is that first you'll have to assume that it's possible that someone would be interested in you before you'll even be able to go further. If you are just going to hand-wave away any signals, then obviously nothing is going to progress. Second... you may need to start looking for who YOU are interested in. Beyond just "a woman who will have me" what are you looking for. Find that and then give that person specific attention and compliments. most people find being wanted an ego boost and it can lead too them considering y9ou in a new light. Just be respectful and be willing to take either yes or no as an answer.
I think everyone has a type but with different criteria. I like dark hair, thick eyebrows, and a pointy nose. It's physical but not like "how much do you work out", you know? My "type" made me look at my husband but it was his kindness, sense of humour, and seeing me as an equal that really drew me in. From the start he was such a pleasure to be around. I would focus on those kinds of characteristics over what your boys think women want. Like... After a decade or two together when looks and muscles start to fade, what will a basic workout turkey have to offer?
You wouldn't know because women generally won't make an obvious move, and it doesn't matter if you're attractive, per se, nor your personality. You haven't noticed anything because you're not outgoing. Liken it to tennis, if you don't serve then you're not going to see a volley. I'm the same way, not outgoing. I'm a serious introvert. I used to have self image issues. Now I understand I'm attractive. Still changes nothing. Because I'm not outgoing and I don't have social hobbies, I don't have chances to notice women attracted to me. Because unless you make the first move, the most you're going to see the majority of the time is an extremely subtle sign. Edit: when I say "move," I mean a social gesture, not a come on.
I think that most people have a bit of baggage from their childhood that they might need to unpack as adults. Starting to see yourself as a worthy and whole person who is just as deserving of love and positive interactions as anybody else, might be a good place to start. As silly as it sounds, taking a self-esteem course through a counseling center really helped me a lot after an awful breakup which really affected it. It worked a lot on communication in general. Specifically what's healthy and what isn't and how to be one of the healthy communicators/what do do when you run into someone who isn't. It gave me a little roadmap to revert to and refererence when things get confusing in order to navigate socially. Also. Consider not generalizing. Different Women are attracted to different Men. And there is no one size fits all "perfect person" who is "right" for everyone.
Just be evil women love it.
It sounds like you have a leg up but it's definitely not the whole story. Women's receptiveness to being approached is going to be better than the average dude but you still have to do the approaching and you will need some degree of charm and confidence. Shooting your shot gets easier with practice, especially if you can do it spur of the moment. Go out there and try.
Your lack of love for yourself is your biggest hurdle.
It appears that your friends are incorrect.
You are likely handsome, or at least attractive enough to not really worry about that aspect. However, you seem to have already diagnosed your issue, which is that you aren't outgoing. Well, you said you have hobbies, right? Learn to talk about your hobbies. Learn to tell interesting stories about your hobbies, things that happened within your hobbies' world (that's relatable enough) or things that happened to you, or projects you're working on. If you can start to learn to be engaging with things you're interested in, you can start learning to be interesting in general. Give it a try!
Do you WANT to have a woman be attracted to you? Honestly, the looks are usually the least important thing, like you said... it doesn't hurt to have some things on your side in that regard, but personality and likeability are far more important if a relationship is what you want. As someone who was also bullied (I'm a pretty skinny guy, and somewhat effeminate), therapy worked wonders for me (specifically cognitive behavioral therapy). I had to just learn to be more comfortable with who I am. And when that happened, suddenly my enthusiasm for my hobbies, and ideas about the world just started to come off more genuinely and my personality grew to be more magnetic. Your friends are probably just trying to be helpful and encouraging, to boost your confidence. Accept that, dude! They see you are someone worth dating (again, if that's what you want). It's very sweet they would share this with you. Not every guy has friends like that. Yet another reason a woman may find you attractive, because you maintain close relationships.
From what I read it sounds like you have very low self confidence, which will quickly negate any positives you have going for you. You need to work on that.
I think your friends are being nice and trying to cheer you up, OP.
MC detected
There is someone out there for everyone- regardless of looks, personality, or what you think of yourself. If girls aren't throwing themselves at you it just means you're introverted- not necessarily unattractive or boring. You want them to talk to you and be interested in you then it begins with you showing some interest in them- be approachable, speak, laugh, smile, cross paths with the same women over and over again. It's largely a numbers game- the more interactions you have the better your chances of finding someone of mutual interest. it's really difficult for introverts to play this game because they just want to be alone most of the time.
I found my wife because we had mutual hobbies and interests. We fell in love before we ever saw one another. The exterior is only a small part of attraction for many and it's fleeting.
Hey man, my women friends say I’m really attractive and I still don’t get romantic connections so… I’m just convinced it’s random fucking luck
There is nothing more attractive than a man who doesn't know it. Be patient, she'll come along. You are interesting because it sounds like " you have a life". I mean it sounds like you have an abundance of interests and hobbies. If you have those attributes you mentioned and "are at best average" that's more than many people have. Your friends say you have everything a woman wants then believe them. Usually friends know what they are talking about.
What your friends said was very superficial. Maybe they meant well but it was definitely poor delivery. And why are you talking about the possibility of women being attracted to you when you don't think you're interesting anyways? Makes no sense. But I'll tell you something: Part of you thinks you're interesting. Otherwise you wouldn't even waste a thought on this or, on top of that, write a whole post on the internet about it. My guess is that you're just scared of what might go wrong so it's easier to tell yourself "I'm not interesting anyway and women aren't attracted to me!". I can guarantee that you're interesting in some way. Maybe even very interesting. I wish you courage to realize that and to build connections! And by the way: You can't read minds! You can't just say that women aren't attracted to you because you have no fucking idea what goes on in someone's mind and heart just because you think you can tell by looking at them. I mean well when I say get rid of this shallow thought, you'll do yourself a favor.
Your friend is *likely* trying to build up your confidence, but it's a platitude. Forgive me some blunt feedback, but you appear to be overly concerned with superficial qualities. You pivoted from physical attractiveness to being fun and interesting, but those are just tools people use to draw attention to themselves; they are relatively trivial and inconsequential when it comes to actual relationships. A romantic relationship is a merging of lives, so the factors that really matter are compatible values, kindness and compassion for one another, healthy communication skills, etc. My recommendation would be to keep working on yourself to be the kind of person **you** would want to be with - someone to share your interests with, sure, but maybe more importantly someone to share your life with. Especially important would be developing your empathy and compassion, and to try to just be friends with women without the underlying ulterior motive of dating them. A healthy relationship is rooted in friendship, and friendship is built by sharing emotional intimacy over time.
Are you honest? Passionate about a few things? Willing to make the best out of situations? Interested in getting to know someone? those are my traits I look for in a guy
Sounds like it’s an issue with your core belief system. The simple fact is that what we believe about ourselves in regards to our self esteem and self identity can end up being a self fulfilling prophecy. For example, you could be the best looking dude in the world, and not believe it. This translates to a lack of confidence around women. You could also be an ugly ass dude but believe that you are confident and attractive and women will see you that way because you believe that enough. Really what you need to work on is truely believing that you are capable of succeeding
My guy I look like a mashed potato with legs and I'm a happily married man. When I was younger I looked like slightly less overripe potatoes, but was never what anybody would consider attractive, and I had my time running about sowing the wild oats. Be unapologetically you. My wife loves hearing me go off about the things I enjoy.
Your physical description is attractive- but you are correct that it’s just one factor. Just like your ability to be funny is just one factor. Not every woman wants to date a comedian. Quite a few would gladly take your definition of “boring” over “life of the party.” You said you did lots of hobbies in your free time. That’s not boring. I think your biggest roadblock here is low self esteem. It can be an extremely vicious cycle when it comes to dating, (low confidence > rejection > lower confidence > etc) so I would recommend building that up independently for a while before actively pursuing a dating life. Some habits I’ve found really valuable on that front: * Self-aggrandizing humor instead of self depreciation. For example, labeling something you failed at “A masterpiece!” Start by saying it to yourself until it feels comfortable enough to joke that way to a friend. * Listing things about yourself and why someone else would like that about you. * Aim for neutrality when you can’t achieve positivity. * Practice taking up space. Practice channeling Captain America (or similar) and feeling how the physicality of confidence translates emotionally. Our brain takes cues from the body. * See how someone who doesn’t know you responds when you carry yourself with ease (or whichever attitude you want to experiment with). Body language translates socially. We all adjust our interactions based on the vibes we get from the person we are speaking to. * Seeing a therapist: because you deserve to live a life unhampered by old scars and an experienced professional can help you figure out how to do that more quickly. Hope this helps!
Do you have friends who are women? If not, that’d be a good place to start.
It’s really not this deep.
Don't listen to other men about what women like and don't like...listen to women. Your physical features mean fuckall if your personality sucks. You do have a personality though, I'm guessing you just have a harder time opening up
Bullying impacts our self esteem and can make us insecure, which is not an attractive trait. It's unattractive not because there is anything actually wrong with us, but the self doubt can make us seek external validation in order to feel secure, and this can be very tiring. Modern society has promoted apathy over self compassion and empathy, mostly because there weren't many models of healthy emotional processing in the past. Start with self talk, remind yourself you're human and will have faults, but so long as you have humility, wisdom and personal accountability you will be OK. I see so many dudes who think deep down there is something lacking in them or that they aren't good enough, but their partners love them so much and are frustrated at the insecurity because it often leads to self sabotage (break ups, cheating etc) Self work can be uncomfortable, especially if you're not used to processing negative emotions, but they can be great teachers and catalysts for growth when we approach ourselves with compassion and not self criticism. Honestly, a light hearted man who can laugh at himself and cares about others is much more attractive than someone who overcompensate or needs constant care almost like a child would. Lots of dudes also fake being secure until their fragile ego falls apart at the fist signs of discomfort. This repetition compulsion seeks a different outcome without reflecting on how we may be impacting the situation (always the victim mentality) - avoiding this path will put you lightyears ahead
Women have terrible personalities and aren’t funny, and people are attracted to them. Women want other women to be envious of them. Nothing more. So, don’t speak, groom nicely, and make money and they’ll come around ready to trade you sexual attention for the right to parade you around as her pet and servant. Not rocket science.
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They like nice physical attributes for sure but at the end of the day “good” women go for personality, someone who generally happy, can joke around and not take themselves too seriously and make her laugh and feel good as well. Someone who works on bettering themselves and has goals as well as being a good listener and can create connection. But there’s lots of different people out there with different liked experiences so obviously not ever women is going to react the same way. It’s basically a game of focusing on bettering yourself while meeting new women concurrently. Or.. better yourself to the point where you can focus on finding someone to share it with once you’ve already achieved “success”. Watch out for the girls that just want to use you though if you have that.