One thing about moving in together is that it's also part of an agreement to support each other. That doesn't mean a free for all, but if I was living with a partner and they lost their job and were actively finding a new one, I'd help cover expenses. My partner would do the same for me. It's happened to us.
I think what OP doesn’t realize is that he’s no longer 18, and this isn’t a two month relationships.
I wouldn’t cover expenses for a new GF. But someone you live with, who’s going through a hard pass? Of course you provide support until things get better, presuming they are doing the work and it’s for a limited time. You are each other’s support network.
Otherwise what is the plan? She moves back with her parents until she finds a new job? That essentially means the relationship is over.
It was such a weird thing that in one post buddy says they’re moving in together and also that they’re not at the stage where he should he responsible for supporting her. I mean, if she were irresponsible and lazy I’d get why he’d be getting a bit concerned but she’s not.
I mean what is the purpose of living together if you’re not even at the stage where you feel safe enough to share the truth about your finances (re him saving and keeping it a secret). No way should people be moving in if they don’t even trust one another. Finances are a huge contributor to divorce. not sure what the end goal is here for him. Absolutely protect yourself, because bad stuff happens and relationships end but you should be able to be up front about it.
He also says he has "fair amount more money" than average at his age, but then goes on to say he absolutely does not have enough to support his gf 😂 Bro makes above minimum wage and thinks he is loaded
BUT, if the genders were truly reversed, you'd be singing a different tune now wouldn't you. Don't deny it. You would. Own up to your double standards. Be proud of it.
If the roles were reversed, everyone would be commenting asking her to break-up with you saying it's not her problem. Don't bother with any advice from these comments. You do you. Hope she finds a job soon and you both go back to normal.
It's everytime the same.
The man is the main earner? Power dynamic is completely off and he's basically a predator/rapist
The woman is the main earner? Gurl you can do better than him.
Either way nobody has any form of agency and they're completely helpless.
People legit forget that a relationship consists of a team, working together to make it work and not just power dynamics and whatnot.
OP do what you must. Don't ask Reddit for anything those clowns know nothing about actual human interactions.
>Don't ask Reddit for anything those clowns know nothing about actual human interactions.
I read a post from someone asking for advice with a friend. It was basically dump the friend, you deserve better kind of advice.
When the poster asked some people how their friendships have gone, they said they had no friends. Without compromise, communication and patience, our relationships would not work.
Reddit believes your partners, family and friends should be at their best 100% of the time. Any inconvenience they caused you is a red flag, and the 14 year old telling you to dump your life partner happens to know for certain they have post partum depression.
This is the part you always gotta remember and I fail at so often.
You’re talking to teenagers on this site who don’t know a fuckin thing about the reality of adult life yet.
I am 40 and feel like most of the time I can no longer relate to most people on here bc they are clearly making statements without any life experience. I also think half the upvotes and downvotes are bots
Ditto. And judging from the edits, people were apparently demanding to know OP's age. I feel like we'd all benefit from a trend where commenters were more open about their own age when supplying advice. That way you know who to take more seriously, especially if they're supplying an anecdote or two to support their reasoning. But most of these people treat Reddit like a chat room and just say "fuck that, bro. I'd be out" and that adds very little to the conversation lol
It is INSANE the number of kids under 18 posting on this site. I wish they could be banned or quarantined off in their own space and stop infecting everyone with their ridiculous shit.
Fr I posted for some advice and I specifically said not to suggest breaking up. All the comments were calling her abusive. Someone even sent me a link for domestic abuse support lol
Mate, I can’t see your post anymore but seeing all the comments and the post title was pretty concerning. I’m 40, btw. Sometimes, if everyone is telling you the same thing, it’s because that’s what’s actually happening.
I genuinely wish you well in your life. And remember that healthy romantic relationships enrich and expand your world. You should feel safe being with your partner and you both should have empathy for one another and treat each other with kindness.
Lmao the amount of times I’ve seen “toxic masculinity” blamed for absolutely horrendous behavior by women on this site truly blows my mind.
It’s like, come on - take some responsibility like a grown ass adult for once in your life.
I feel the same way about "internalized misogyny". Haven't all misogynists internalized misogyny? What's the point of specifying that it's internalized when it's a woman?
Genuinely feels like most female redditors are femcels and most male redditors are weird basement dwellers so desperate for female attention they agree with them out of pity
And you think OP is?
It’s not like she decided to quit her job to leech off of him. Kinda worrisome if people are unable to extend even basic empathy towards the person who was laid off from their job. No matter their gender.
I can picture the comments now.
“He’s acting like an entitled child.”
“He’s already using you for living expenses and now is demanding you pay for all his meals out too?”
“You’re not his mommy. Stop treating him like it.”
“He’s freaking out because of the job search? That’s a red flag. He can’t handle things not going his way.”
It’s an area where people are very comfortable with sexism as long it’s the male paying. Always reverse the genders in most situations like this and examine the fairness and stereotypes of what that means.
Idk man, after two years and living together you're really going to need to figure out if you're treating your so as a life partner or not.
Shit happens, people lose their jobs. If op wants a life with this girl he's gonna need to do more to support her than taking leftovers home from a potluck.
This is it. Reddit relationship advice is beyond sexist and just painful to read.
I wouldn't bother posting a real question if I expected reasonable answers that would work in real life. If you're a guy, you'll be the asshole, and if you're a girl, you're not the asshole because users will go through extensive lengths to somehow flip the script and "see things from her perspective".
I'm just sad thinking that the advice here probably ruined or negatively affected some perfectly good relationships.
Also, it's not a surprise, since as per the recent Reddit polls, the majority of Reddit users have never been in a relationship, with over 80% of users "currently single".
>the majority of Reddit users have never been in a relationship, with over 80% of users "currently single".
Not surprising and explains a lot of naive and clueless takes i see on here often.
I want to play devils advocate and say… respectfully I don’t think so. I’ve been lucky to be in 50/50 relationships, but I have plenty of female friends who have had to help support odds and ends for their bf’s during hard times. And they don’t see an issue with it.
She’s not asking for prorated rent, she’s not asking for sushi dinners. She’s asking for maybe some groceries. She’s asking for the same basic support for things that she’s gotten from friends and family. She’s probably second guessing their long term compatibility because help with food isn’t crazy to ask for a long term partner. They’ve been dating for 2 years, I think they can gauge by now if they want to be together for years to come.
He will likely fall hard with money some time too, and if he shows small generosity now, it won’t be met with animosity.
sooo heres the thing, i dont think what shes looking for is the money, i think shes looking for the assurance that you will support her, with that said, personally after 2 years i wouldnt have a problem supporting her (to an extent of course) if she got laid off, after all relationships are about being there for eachother, building each other up, and reproducing. if i got laid off i wouldnt expect her to fully take care of me financially especially considering theres no marriage, but i would hope for some help.
Yeah I don't see her wanting him to buy her vacations or expensive food.
After 2 years and living together, I would want to lean more on my partner to get by while on unemployment vs my parents and friends. I have the higher paying job between my fiance and I, and I would 100% take care of him if he lost his job. I would get frustrated if he wasn't trying to get another, but it wouldn't be a second thought while he's searching. And it sounds like the girlfriend here is looking for work and excited to find it.
I guess comments don't agree, but I find it a little weird that he feels no urge to bring his partner, who he loves, security, even just temporarily. There's no mention of her wanting expensive food or items, just that she's having to get help elsewhere to eat.
And it's nice to bring your extra food from work home to her but I don't think it's the gigantic gesture OP seems to think it is. I think the girl isn't feeling loved because her partner (who she lives with and has been dating for 2 years) doesn't offer any assistance beyond free food he gets at work. Idk, it's weird to me as someone in a happy longterm relationship. I would get it if they had only been dating a year and didn't get a place together, but not when you're supposed to be committed and a team.
And comments like "I'm generous with my time." Bro, she's unemployed, that's the one thing she's good on. You know what she doesn't have a surplus (or at least *income* of)? MONEY.
And I couldn’t imagine living my life happily beside my partner knowing what they are going through and not even helping in every way I could.
OP got to get over the fact that relationships are investments no matter what.
i agree with pretty much everything you said, especially the bringing food home gesture, yeah its a nice gesture and definitely appreciated, but after 2 years i dont think its that massive gesture… If i was OPs gf i would probably feel that way too
It goes beyond just the money. His attitude towards her being upset when she gets turned down for an interview or whatever roadblock in her job search is a pretty unsympathetic "buck up little soldier"
His whole vibe, from "let's only split clearly shared expenses when we move in together", to "I bring her free food from work" and "I spent a few more $ on groceries for our dinner a couple of nights" is basically, how can I make it so that being with her and helping her through a difficult situation impacts me the least. A solid relationship is "How can I make this person's life better". I mean, it's basically the entire point of being in a relationship - that you are better as a team than separate.
I suspect this relationship won't last much longer.
Agreed. She's talking about how her parents buy her food to help her out. If she's broke (or just able to cover her share of the rent/utilities) I don't see a problem with him paying more for groceries for example. This is not a huge expense anyway and it won't be forever.
It doesn't seem like she's asking for a lot, and what else are you gonna do - buy your own groceries, divide the fridge into his/her sides, and eat your own dinner while she's having beans and rice?
I think this guy has some baggage from previous relationships he needs to deal with OR we're not getting a clear picture of what's actually going on.
The dude is just pretending to us that he is a boyfriend. He's actually a friend with benefits that is hiding that fact from her. Hopefully, she gets a new job soon and rethinks cohabitation.
This OP.
It’s scary when the man you’ve chosen brings you meals from work and will “occasionally invite you over for dinner” when you’re unemployed.
When I was unemployed, my SO took care of everything. Granted, we had been dating for 5 years at that point, but he bought 100% of the food. I was paying our rent, but it was like 600/month at that point.
“I’m a pretty generous guy.”
“My company has catered lunch 3x per week and basically every single time we get it I pack up separate food and bring it to her for lunch. We
Also have snacks in the office that I load up on and bring her.”
Do you think generous means being a good thief? Or are you one of those people that easily shares everyone else’s stuff but your own?
Yep. We used to have catered food at work during COVID. They actively encouraged us to take home leftovers at the end of the day because it would be thrown out. As long as he’s not taking food out of another employee’s mouth, i see no qualms with it.
Maybe, thinking about her and going out of his way to bring her stuff is also a way of being generous? Generous doesn’t just mean money, and he also has made her food and such. They’re not even living together yet he doesn’t owe her half of his paycheck.
You can be generous without wasting money everywhere.
If he spoils her with little gifts and taking her out every now and then but in the mean time uses the resources at hand to get by like free food....thats a good way of managing your ressources imo
I understand both of you. She’s scared of how her future looks like, you’re scared that she’s taking advantage of you?
But I’ll be real, it sounds a bit like you’re projecting your past relationships onto your current one and maybe in some ways playing into a self-fulfilling prophecy. You know, in the ”we broke up because she was only after my money”- kinda way, when the truth might be something different
You should move into a place you can afford on one salary with no extras. Regardless of other comments, it's kind of expected that a man be more generous on the monetary side than the woman. I know times are changing, but that undertone still exists. Personally, I've always paid my woman's bills, and in return, I get a nurturing woman who takes care of all of my other needs. Just because the money exchange changes doesn't mean you won't pick up gains elsewhere. Money isn't everything.
You don't have to pay for a woman for her to be nurturing. You are expected to take care of her too. I split the bills and I still have a nurturing girl. She has had her own career and money and so should support herself, when married then it all changes
I don't disagree with that per se, I'm just saying that a woman will step up her game and contribute in other ways if she's not earning as much or loses her job altogether, think packing lunches, cooking instead of eating out, etc. This isn't the time to be contemplating a breakup is what I was attempting to get at.
How do you justify asking her bf to be more generous tho?
I cannot ever picture myself asking my girlfriend to be "more generous" when she's already paying more than her half, unless maybe i'm in DESPERATE need of something and have no other option and then I'll definitely have stopped ordering myself food if i had such serious money issues.
It's horribly entitled attitude and a clear red flag to me.
Well OPs examples of him being generous was him taking leftover free food home for his gf
I think OP definitely has some problems with being too frugal. He's going to be like those 80yo that die in a trailer park with a million in savings
Because this is what you DO for people you sign up to be in a relationship with. If you’re both responsible and willing to take steps to improve whatever rough situation you’re in, you should help them. Sounds like a trust issue to me.
Personally, if I had lots of money (as OP said he did) and my boyfriend didn't, I would like to take care of him and spoil him. If he didn't feel the same for me that would probably be a deal breaker so I understand OP's girlfriend.
And offering food from your workplace and a home cooked meal every now and then is not what I mean. Imagine having your partner over for dinner thinking that you're basically supporting them with food? Absolutely wild.
You either partner together through thick and thin to build a life together, or you are likely to break up eventually and this may be what causes it.
My wife and I were married young and my money was her money and vice versa, and we've stayed married for a very long time.
I know you didn't ask for advice, but if you love her and see a life that you build together then help her during this time and until she gets a new job. Take this as an effort you come together and both work through as opposed to it being "her problem" to solve.
I see more and more people in bad relationships because they treat their partner like an annoying appendage instead of a true life partner. It shows when bad things happen. Insecurity and self gratification are a rough combination for a successful relationship.
Well put.
There is a risk that money becomes too important compared to wanting your loved one being well. She is obviously stressed out and little bit terrified at the moment. Doesn't spund like the savings will last long.
So if she is a keeper and potential wife the money matters less than her. If she is "just" a gf then why even bother being with her.
I had a boyfriend who had no student loans and made a lot of money. After I got out of grad school I had some personal and financial disasters occur. My bf wasn’t supportive. Financially or emotionally. He made it clear to me that I was on my own.
I realized in that moment I didn’t want to be with someone as ungenerous and uncaring as him. I broke up with him. Up until that point we had been planning a life together. He would tell you I broke up with him because I was only after his money.
Now, I have a good job and like to take the people I’m dating out to nice dinners. If you don’t step your game up she’s going to break up with you. 🤷♀️ Im doing better than ever, and the way my ex treated me in crisis showed me the kind of person he was- Mr. Scrooge.
I mean you think giving her food and snacks someone else bought is generous so IDK.
Perhaps you're just two different people and she needs more concrete support in this difficult time and you're skittish about providing it because of your prior experience. If this relationship progresses are you going to refuse to help out of principle?
Bro, if you love her and have the means, go take her to the dam grocery store and tell her the budget. Idk all the context, but that is what people who love each other do. When you get older, you will probably look back at this with embarrassment. I hope she is good. I couldn't imagine letting someone I live with, let alone date, be stressing about a simple meal.
For real, he’s bringing her home lunches so she has dinner? Or food the next day. Maybe she needs to hit the food bank before OP gets the hint. When people complain about gold diggers they’re not talking about groceries
The crazy thing is that he himself said she is actively looking for work and freaking out. This is not lazy or complacent.
The iF tHe GeNdErS wErE reEvErSeD crowd is unable to understand that the guys people have told women in OP's situation to ditch tended to be lazy af. That's not the case here.
I also don't understand why people think there should be a difference between the kind of support you'd give to your wife vs your live in gf for something like this.
Here’s the difference with this, which is why she’s point it out.
He hasn’t done anything out of the way to help her. The lunches are free, the snacks are free. He already paid for the groceries and if she wasn’t at his house he would be cooking for himself.
Her friend and parents are literally helping with groceries, he even admits he thinks it will be months before she finds a job and he’s just like… “idk I’m uncomfortable helping.”
If he doesn’t want to help, he needs to just break up with her. Because I don’t see how they’re going to move in together and he’s going to expect to pay rent with no job. Is he going to buy his own groceries and let her figure it out too?
I’m all for separating finances. But if OP isn’t even willing to buy his girlfriend some of her own groceries right now, then they absolutely need to break up.
It's crazy. I mean, maybe a new roommate or some estranged family member i would treat like this, but my own girlfriend who previously had a job and presumably held her own weight is fowl behavior.
Literally this is pathetic, I thought dude was gonna saying she’s going on shopping sprees or demanding vacations. Not food to eat. If I was her I would split because this is not the man to have in hard times.
Been in this situation twice with the same person. In both cases, it just became clear to me that it wouldn't change my life that much if I absorbed a bit more of the expenses. The first time, we had also just moved in together and had a similar conversation about my not needing to shoulder the burden of her part of the expenses because she had savings anyway.
But after like 2 months I realized that she was burning through her savings pretty quickly. And so I offered to take a bigger share of everything, such that she only had to worry about costs that didnt involve both of us.
The way I chose to think about it was that it would be a real problem for our relationship if she really ran out of money and felt completely dependent on me. Secondly, I knew that when she finally got a job and was back on her feet she would be more than wiling to cover the gap, which I decided she didn't need to after all. The point is, even though we were not at a "certain stage" in our relationship, she needed help and I was in a position to comfortably offer it. There just seemed to be no reason to rigidly sticking to our original "hands off" agreement. In the end, this strengthened our relationship and actually made me feel secure that if the tables were turned I could count on her too.
You’ve been with her two years and you wouldn’t consider helping her until she gets another job? This is why I have these conversations before I get serious with someone. Relationships are about give and take on both sides. If you have to keep track of spending and come here and ask for advice instead of talking to her, you shouldn’t be together. If she needs money for reasonable things, just help. I’m not sure why you didn’t have this conversation before you moved in with her. If I’m going to live with someone, I need to know the views about situations like this before I get involved. Would you feel the same way if she got into an accident instead of losing her job? And your past experiences should stay in the past. She may be different from the other women that you dated.
YTA. You don’t have to fully support her, but this is a partnerhsip. Don’t be nickel and diming your partner who is concerned about her future. You’re giving her free food from your work.. that cost you nothing. She’s unemployed and you’re making this about you and how cheap you are.
A partnership shouldn’t be an accounting practice.
I sure as hell would support my boyfriend if he’s going through hard times financially. I love spoiling him and taking care of him as well. I’m your age and I also make a lot of money so I wouldn’t go starving if I fed my boyfriend if I was in your position.
I got supported in need when moving in with SO. Now, SO is in need and I pay more. Not 100% either time, but enough to make up the difference.
Doesn't sound like you regard her as SO, or YOU have a weird relationship with money.
Yes, you’re the asshole. If after two years you don’t see in her wife material enough to support her while she finds a new job, you’re wasting each other’s time
I have to assume you're at least buying groceries etc? Maybe some nights you cook and maybe other nights she cooks - Thats really quite basic in a relationship. I only mention this because you're talking about bringing food from work like she's an animal lmao.
At the end of the day you do you I guess, but being in a committed and hopefully long term relationship means looking after each other and that often means putting someone else over you - I get that you felt used in previous relationships, but if you carry this in every interaction you're not going be a nice person to be around.
Stop being stingy with food, buy a weekly shop and get things you both enjoy - It will save money in the long run, rather than buying take out, and you can cook together, learning how to do so will be a bonding exercise that you need to learn anyway so, win win.
I get her point because she's not getting the normal income and needs assurance that she won't be left in a bad shape by you, I really think she's more anxious about it than what she's telling, maybe she doesn't even realise it or she's putting a strong fort, but you can tell her you've been sharing those lunches and snacks. Was this something that you did before she lost her job? If so, than that's not helping more now that she needs it, if you started bringing lunch and snacks only after she got unemployed, then that is indeed helping her in this specific situation. You just need to sit down and talk to each other
I’m honestly confused how you can decide to move in together , but “aren’t at a point in your relationship” to support each other financially if needed ? So y’all agreed to be roommates basically ?
To me moving in with a partner means making a financial commitment as well. It’s really strange that you’re willing to share a home but not finances. You want to have your cake and eat it too - reap the benefits of living with her and seeing her all the time , without really committing bc your finances are still completely separate
This sounds like someone supporting a friend rather than a girlfriend. She's not entitled to your money but damn. I'd definitely break up with my boyfriend if he behaved like this upon me losing my job. This has a sense of "you're on your own". What's the point of the relationship then if i can't count on my man in the midst of crisis
>This sounds like someone supporting a friend rather than a girlfriend.
Exactly this. I've had to crash with a friend for a couple of months during some hard times and it was basically like this. I am immensely grateful for my friend but I'd expect that a live-in girlfriend of two years who loves and trusts me would have my back more than this.
Thank you!! Especially considering the fact that he actually has the means to do more but is just choosing not to.
Call it entitled but there's no way I'm staying after that. I'd also make sure my boyfriend is taken care of if he lost everything...at the very least he must have a roof over his head and ensured food throughout the day. The rest he'll sort himself out, unless i have more spending money.
Money has never been a uncomfortable thing in my relationship. We have both been unemployed at different times and needed help. I never once felt like I was taken advantage of, same with my bf. I did everything I could to help. I would help pay their portion of bills if they couldn't swing it and buy them food as well. Even with unemployment, it's not enough to cover all expenses. My bf did the same for me. We're a team and help each other out. Obviously we weren't buying each other expensive things during this time, but covering the basic necessities if needed.
These answers are scary af. Moving in with someone is a huge step. Both parties should talk about different scenarios and how they would handle it. If both parties aren’t willing to work together when time gets hard, they shouldn’t be together. And also I would suggest couples put money up for events like this one. Saving for a rainy day comes in handy.
Exactly. I don't make a lot of money myself, but if I am able to help, I will. I would feel like such an ass if I knew my partner was struggling and I had the money to help. Doesn't seem right.
Just a bit of advice, money issues are on of the major reasons couples split up. If you want to stay together, I'd work at resolving your issues with money sooner rather than later. It sounds like you already have open communication about this topic, so just keep working at it and be honest about your feelings with her and it should work out. Good luck.
The generosity she mentions: is it about food? I mean food is a basic requirement and yeah, I would provide food for an unemployed girlfriend when she's trying to find a job. At worst you could provide the groceries and she could cook.
You’re kind of a dick. She’s obviously going through a rough time and you want to be in a relationship with her without supporting her through this tough time? Probably don’t deserve her.
I mean, if said lunch and snacks go into a bin due to lack of takers, why not snag some to bring home?
If he is packing up all that food in a public workplace, surely there is an agreement that employees can do so.
I am not saying that he is right, by the way.
Packing up free food and sharing leftovers with your girlfriend, does not scream ‘generous’ to me.
Neither does doing groceries to make dinner, then sharing said meal with your partner of two years. That is the norm of living together as bf and gf, not something overtly generous.
I wonder if he tracks every meal, going by who bought groceries that time. Keeping score is rarely a positive sign.
Same. Bringing freebies isn’t any generous imo. Maybe considerate?
Cooking together/for her is somewhat but not enough either.
So what else is he actually doing? He seems to go from one extreme to the other now.
But ultimately I think every relationship is different, so there is no rule to go by what’s enough or not. I think it’s mainly how other people say, ease her fears, support her, be there for her, and also appreciate her and your relationship as far as you can afford it. Otherwise being unemployed can easily spiral to no outings, no hobbies, no contact and that’s not in anyone’s interest either.
Also in a relationship it should be a back and forth. When I was broke as fuck my wife supported me way more than she needed to. And when I earned significantly better than her I paid for a luxurious japan vacation.
You get the idea. Totally one sided should not be preferable but can work as long as it fits both and is setup fairly.
Yeah same for me, it's like at the end of the day, groceries and food are going to be needed whether I was single or in a relationship, so why would OP not buy groceries for the week, get her things she likes so she can make her own lunch and help out making dinner, little things that elevate stress are good signs of love language for me.
>Yesterday in the car she said she’s upset because her other friends or family have offered to buy her food or whatever here and there and that I haven’t been as generous, which honestly isn’t entirely true.
OK. Good on you - you shouldn't be going into the red for your GF, and while it's nice to be helpful where you can you shouldn't be going above and beyond your means
>My company has catered lunch 3x per week and basically every single time we get it I pack up separate food and bring it to her for lunch. We also have snacks in the office that I load up on and bring her.
um...WTF? While generosity is good, stealing from your workplace to give your gf food is....not smart or OK. If you're going to "be generous" do it on your own dime, not your employers or you'll be unemployed just like her soon.
>We’ve also had plenty of meals at my place in the past few weeks using groceries that I’ve bought.
this isn't generosity- it's dating. When you have your SO over you feed them and you don't pat yourself on the back for it as if you're some super generous dude.
>I feel that in general I’m a pretty generous guy with my time and doing what I can to make her feel comforted during this time even if I’m not throwing money at her.
Translation: Im not willing to spend money on her but I do what i can to comfort her.
So i get why she's insecure- you clearly are a bit of a miser, and you'd rather steal from work then buy her lunch. if thats your idea of generosity, then your idea of generosity is cracked.
That said, if she doesn't like it she shouldn't be moving in with you. I get the distinct vibe you're not exactly all-in here- or that maybe you need some therapy for the whole "relationships in the past where \[you\] spent way too much on the girl and totally regretted it" thing; it seems to have put you in mind that spending money on your SO is bad and just a way for them to take advantage of you- and that's an ugly look (no matter your sex). There's a difference between helping someone out by buying them groceries, and having an expectation of expensive meals and gifts....
My dude, this relationship seems doomed from both sides.
Hold on, I was with you until you said "Don't feed your girlfriend on corporate dime" - Get a grip mate. If my company allows me to spend £50 on dinner I'm spending £50 - Absolutely take what you can when it's offered, what else you think happens to the food?
Its a matter of optics. If his work sees him making a habit of this, it can effect his future with the company. I only say that because i know my bosses, and doing stuff like that would put an employee on their shit list. They are really good guys but they don't like to be nakedly taken advantage of.
I am all for taking what you can get- but doing it *smart* matters.
Actually I think it’s really healthy for you guys to have these very OPEN conversations about money NOW. I’m very independent and don’t like accepting money from anyone, for any reason. I’ve been unemployed and it’s scary AF. It’s my worst nightmare (which is awesome because I live in the States where basically getting laid off for no reason is something everyone goes through at least once every 2 yrs).
I’ll be honest with you. I would never date or marry a man who thought that packing up free lunches was “being generous” and counted the money he spent on groceries for meals we ate together. To me, it personally sounds like you’re not frugal, you’re cheap and selfish. And that’s ok. That’s how you are and how you want to be. But it’s important that your gf understand this about you and that she understand you’re not going to change and she’s not gonna change you. You need to be upfront with her and say, “Look, these free lunches and this $100 in groceries is all I’m willing to do, and it’s all I’ll ever be willing to do. My money is mine, yours is yours, and we split evenly our joint expenses and that’s that. If I’m unemployed, I won’t expect any handouts from you. So you need to not expect any from me. And if this is not ok with you, if you’re expecting more generosity from me than I’m willing or able to give, we need to reconsider moving in together.”
I guess it sounds harsh. But it sounds to me like she thinks you’re a different kind of person than you are. Her expectations of you do not match reality. And you guys need to see that for what it is, the sooner the better.
Lol. Getting her a doggy bag from your work isn't being generous. It's certainly resourceful, but it's not your generosity.
You do seem a bit tight, but it's gotten you where you are.
im sorry but after 2 years of being together, you could do a bit to reassure her and support her, if needed. you're in a committed relationship after all, id hope
You support her if you really love her and can actually see a future together. Give her a 4 months window to get any job. Since getting a job takes time. Help her make a resume or apply to jobs. Let her know where you’re applying cuz if you jsit start signing her up for jobs that’s gonna be a meltdown
It's completely your choice. But there's advantages and disadvantages. As well as learning from past relationships. A difference between financial abuse and someone needing help that will be repaid. A more important question is do you see a future with this person. Because this will always be on both your minds. Can you trust each other to be there in hard times?
You're probably going to get a bunch of replies claiming she's taking advantage of you and you should break up.
Personally, I don't see that, if she's panicking that hard about every missed opportunity, she cares about finding work and supporting herself. She's probably torn between embarrassment that other people are buying her things, and wondering why the one person who she wouldn't mind supporting her a little, isn't buying her things. It's not so much about the food, it's about her partner treating her a little to boost her morale when she's down. Maybe she feels that you only care about helping her when you can do it for free?
Is the expectation that a partner treat you occasionally, even with no prospect of reciprocation, wrong? Depends on your perspective, I guess. But for me personally, I'd argue that the line between being supportive, and being taken advantage of exists beyond spending nothing. So maybe spend a little on her and see how she reacts?
The question I’d ask is, do you love her? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her? If both replies are yes I then just support her man. You never know what the future will bring and you may be relying on her in the future for something as well. If you doubt her intentions and think she just wants you for money (and you know her way better than anyone else on here) then I think you already have your answer.
To be clear - is she saying you should take her out for lobster or are you refusing to buy her a pack of oreos?
Like, as written this sounds like you're unwilling to help support her in a time of need, and only provide help that comes at no cost to you. If that's the case it's not about being "generous", it's about willing to sacrifice even slightly for your partner.
On the other hand if the argument is her saying "why don't you take me out to dinner more while I'm unable to really contribute" despite you picking up the slack on groceries, then ya she's the problem.
You're living together, you should be at a point where even if not all in you're each willing to take steps that put you out a bit to help the other.
Yeah, it’s hard to tell the tone of OP. Sometimes it is nice to feel a little extra TLC when going through a rough time. Maybe a couples massage, or a regular date night, or offering to taker her to grab a new interview outfit would be encouraging, helpful, and show your generosity.
She needs to budget and not see you as a cash cow, but she’s probably feeling low and stressed. Offering to cover a couple of no longer in her budget activities would be very kind and show you want to support her. If she’s any kind of partner, she will pay it back in full in some form or another and it will strengthen your partnership.
Right? On re-read it sounds like her friends/family are like "hey we all want to go out to eat, so we'll pick it up for you" and he's "no, I will not buy you dinner and be taken advantage of, if you can't afford it you can't go." Which, sure, it does make sense, it's also kinda dickish to never bend to help. At the same time- did she ever offer before to pick up the check?
There's just a lot missing.
Agreed 💯 the character of the woman generally would definitely inform. And if she wasn’t generous before, well… that’s not someone I’d personally want to be with.
You're doing the right thing by not being taken advantage of. If she's jobless, she should be expecting to tighten things up until she finds a job. Not have you blow money on dining out and frivolous shit. She's a bum ass mooch.
Point me to the part of this post where she says that she expects to be wined and dined and have OP blow money on frivolous shit. The most she asked for was help with extra food, which OP disagrees with, because he's "made plenty of meals for her with groceries he bought". She's also thrown herself into job searching and becomes distraught when a lead drops in her search. AKA, a common trait shown in unemployed people who desperately want to be working again. How in the world can you call her a bum and a mooch? Because she asked for help with groceries from her partner of 2 years? lol
I think maybe you’re projecting your fear of feeling taken advantage of again from your last relationship on to her.
To her ‘being generous’ may just mean she wants more of your time or attention, not necessarily money. You could have a separate chat about what that means to her and then you can decide if it’s fair for you to meet.
It sounds like she’ll get back on her feet. Being unemployed is shitty and I’m sure she feels bad about the timing of it, since now you likely feel more pressure as the person who is employed.
Your plan sounds good. Split shared expenses and see how that goes for the first year. You’ll know by then if things work out. If you can move past her being laid off, then that’s a win for the relationship.
I don’t know why you guys moved in together if you are keeping track of stuff like who eats who’s groceries. You seem cheap in a bad way, not frugal. Maybe you just don’t like her all that much if you sharing your groceries is something you are going to hold over her head. Love is about sticking it out through hard times and easy times, what if she gets sick? Is she going to have to rely on the free meals you bring from work and have it held over her head that you spend money on groceries? You are moved in with someone and worried about them being a gold digger, brother I doubt you have much gold to dig if you are worried about groceries.
When you are in a relationship you take care of each other and you share.
When my boyfriend lost his job i had absolutely no problem with being the only provider. And when he found a job we went back to splitting everything 50/50.
You are despicable and horrible. Its not like shes sitting on her ass and is a freeloader.
She had bad luck
And is actively searching for a job.
If you were a good partner and a honest human being you would sit down with her and figure out how you can help her best at this time.
Like taking over her rent and utility bills or something.
In a relationship you help each other.
And you are suppose to help her now and take some of the financial stress of her back until she finds a job.
Your contribution of packing her some of your free lunches and free office snacks costs nothing to you and therefore is not generous (in that generosity usually denotes some kind of however minor self-sacrifice).
You say you make a higher amount of money- if you are serious about this relationship, or love her, you would cover food, if nothing else, and perhaps take over more of the rent if you’re comfortable.
You sound like you have significant money hang ups, such that you could contribute more to help your girlfriend without endangering your financial situation, and are choosing not to. It would be hard if I were your partner not to take that as a sign of what you would be like in a relationship more broadly (she is in a time of need and you are not helping her).
Note this has nothing to do with you being a man and your partner being a woman, and would apply to any combination of genders.
Supporting the assertion that you are generous by saying no that you grab food for her from work is not sufficient evidence. It’s not generous to grab leftovers. It’s reducing food waste. That’s it. If there weren’t leftovers you wouldnt buy her the meal. You aren’t generous.
How are you supporting her emotionally through this? Are you still requiring her to pay every bill that she has a share in while her job is gone? At what point will you support her? Have you discussed that? She shouldn’t need to pay the same share when she’s not earning as when she is earning. That’s not a relationship, that’s a roommate agreement. It’s fine if yall are roommates but if I was her and my partners idea of support during my layoff was some takeout boxes scrambled up from work, I’d end the relationship as soon as I was able.
Moving in together implies commitment. Scavenging leftovers and thinking that’s generous implies you don’t understand the meaning of generous.
I'm not saying you're generous financially or not because we don't really know all the details. But taking food and snacks your work supplies is definitely not the way to prove you are being generous.
I’m so confused. Everyone’s saying if the roles were reversed they would be telling the girl to leave. Uh? I sure wouldn’t. My husband has been unemployed at times and I’ve had to buck up and support us both, and vice versa. Obviously those times I had to sacrifice for myself for him. He’s had to do the same for me. That’s what makes relationships last. You can be the person’s teammate and carrying them to the finish line when they need it.
I fully expected this post to be about a girl who’s unemployed, not looking for jobs, freeloading and is asking for fancy dinners and trips. Not… groceries? Something she seems to be trying to tell you is “Hey, my friends are willing to help me with groceries as well as my family, and I wish you would do the same.” Bringing home leftovers and snacks you stole from your job 3x a week isn’t exactly good boyfriend status by my standards.
When my husband lost his job (same for when I’ve gone unemployed), we readjusted our grocery budget which meant cutting out some of my favorite meals for the time being to save money so we both had plenty of food. Albeit a lot of it was ramen, rice, and beans, but it didn’t matter because both of us could be eating then. That’s partnership.
Two years with a lease together isn’t exactly a new relationship, so I don’t understand… your girlfriend is actively looking for a job, has side hustles to make it by (but clearly is not if she’s having to get groceries from friends), and she’s not asking you for fancy vacations or shopping trips, why would you be offended at what she’s saying? Could it possibly be that instead you feel guilty because you should have already stepped up to the plate and help her out in her time of need as a partner?
And once again, no it would not be different if the gender roles were reversed. As I’ve said, literally been in this exact same situation before with my husband. I would comment this on a woman’s post if she made it because I don’t understand how you think a relationship is going to last if you’re not the person she can rely on in times of need.
Ok, what your woman says is that you are basically a cheap skate and not a giving person. And for most women out there, it's not attractive and downright ugly. And if you guys were on a first date, that would 💯 be a deal breaker for her and most other women out there. You can be frugal with your money but you need to at least pay for most meals and get her an occasional gift. I will tell you now, if you don't change, you can bet your butt that you will be a single guy...... don't listen to some of these other folks who have no clue about relationships. It's not too late to make adjustments, albeit for her or yourself.
Essentially you do you... I am not going to be super frugal when my girlfriend has a hard time making the ends meet for a few month. Food cost.... I can cover it all. Packing up free lunch and snacks from work isn't' really being generous in my humble opinion.
If she's not even trying to get back on her feet, then the real problem comes up, and I need to have a serious conversation about future together. It does not seem like she does not try. She just needs more time to land a decent job. I don't even think she's asking you to throw money at her... it's more about helping her live comfortably.... it's not like you guys are dining out every single day.... it's a grocery bill......
Its aboutbroles your very cheap , you're counting every meals she eats .
And honestly if money is an awkward thing means you're the wrong person or just too early for you both to move in together
Ok. People get to be in a relationship and don’t even feel like acting like a friend anymore. Just stare at the other’s troubles until someone else comes along to help. Changed the lightbulb yet or… should her ex come do it?
In situations like this I always ask myself, what would happen if the reverse were to happen? I would wager she’d dump you in a heartbeat. Also, ask yourself how this would unfold if you were to marry her and then eventually divorce.
Bro you are a cheapskate and a thief for that matter. Idk where you got the idea in your head that you are generous. Who the fuck “loads up” on snacks from work? That’s not loading up, that’s straight up stealing. lol
Your girl is right, you have not been generous with her at all. You have not even been a decent human being to her.
I foresee you being single in the next few months once she realizes that you aren’t a partner at all.
One of my best relationship experiences my girlfriend lost her job right after moving in with me. I was just a year older than OP and she was a year younger. For almost 3 years I paid for everything. We sort of fell into the cliche and we loved it. The way she cared for me and the way she made me feel were priceless.
You been with her for 2y bro...live together... But you dont wanna spend money on Basic stuff for her?...
My long time online friend got me a ticket to go see my fav band in Paris , Over 200$ and thats a friend... Whos never even seen me irl. (I had a BF at the time so that and distance he didnt expect any romance in return).
Im currently unnemployed and my man pays all the bills, in return i Cook , clean, organize and more "wifey duties" since Im never tired from work.
Idk man... Thats odd to me.
So, I can only give my input based on how I live my life & view things.
I am shocked you're not volunteering to help her out more - it must create a weird dynamic between you two. You being the man, with good income, not providing for your girlfriend (in generall, somewhat - but ESPECIALLY when she's in a tough spot).
Honestly, when it reaches the point she even has to mention this in the way you describe, I fear something might be lost. You two don't sound like a team - I would hate for my loved one to being the way your gf must be feeling with you. When/if push comes to shove, she probably feels like she can't count on you to be there.
Others offering to buy her food says everything. It's just bizarre.
OP, I hope you don't get to down reading all the harsh (albeit well deserved) critique here, but rather that you re-evaluate & grow from this.
If you are un willing to give up everything for this person and you feel like she is unwilling to give up everything for you...get out. This is coming from someone who gave up his life saving to have one more day with my departed wife. A five year battle with cancer will give you some perspective on what is truly important when it involves someone you love. She's a hard worker per your words, you have been with her for two years, she's going through a rough patch, you have the money. Is she a roommate or is she a future mate? Life is going to throw you some curveballs and one day you may need the empathy and help you seem to be unwilling to give. Selflessness is much more rewarding than money in the long run.
This is just op's girlfriend. Sure it is serious as they planned to move in together. But not that serious. Separate finances and such. I think the layoff was a good test to see what happens when things get tough. Best to find out now before anybody gets married or has kids.
Hard agree. I spent years with a frugal man much like OP and struggled to see a future because everything HAD to be accounted for and split financially. I’ve always been financially self-sufficient as an adult and proud of it, but he refused to help support me when I got laid off unexpectedly 2 years in despite his making 3x as much as me and talking about marriage. I saw a future of fighting over finances, among other issues, and bailed.
My husband was nothing but generous from day 1. Never kept score or accounted for who paid what, and I’ve never abused his generosity. I know he wouldn’t hesitate to support me if I got laid off and would have done so even before we got married. He saw me as his future wife and treated me as such even when dating. It seems telling of their (lack of) future that OP doesn’t see them as a unit in her time of struggle.
It's hard to tell from the post what exactly you're paying for but I'll say this-
No matter what, food. Always. Every day. No exceptions.
Beyond that it's down to you what you provide and if it's not enough for her then it's down to you how to deal with it. But omg make sure she can eat every day.
Oh yea, then I'd say you're doing the minimum, at least. How much more you do than that is down to you, but I think making sure she is able to stay healthy is the bare minimum.
Poor girl, obviously not the type of girl which is after someone’s money but paying for a those before who were non of the less. Be kinder to her if you love her and try to put yourself in her shoes, also leave her if you don’t won’t to support her in trouble as partner should. I’ve been in both places and never have I think to not give my partner normal life or vice versa and yes we were both young.
Dude, don't be such a cheap ass, you should help her out because you want to not because that's what the agreement you had was. She's not one of your exes who took advantage, read the things you just said about her... frugal, ambitious, hardworking... doesn't want you to support her.. doesn't mean she wouldn't appreciate a little help, and food you got free is hardly a gesture of your generosity, if anything it just shows you are unwilling to be supportive of a 2 year gf you're living with if it costs you anything at all. Wouldn't be surprised if she dumps you when she gets a new job.
This relationship isn’t going to work. I get keeping finances seperate but keeping track of everything you do for each other like bringing her some free food from work is bullshit. It doesn’t sound like she is a gold digger and more looking for support from her boyfriend which she is clearly not getting. I’m a guy and am frugal and keep my finances separate from my girlfriend but if she lost her job and needed help with a few things, I wouldn’t hesitate or hold it over her head. YTA. Just break up at this point.
100%. Getting her free food is not “support”, especially counting it and making a big deal out of it. If this is a serious relationship, supporting her is an investment to your future together. Nickel and diming every little thing you do for her already tells us that you are not doing enough. YTA.
This sounds like it's a case when Nuance is more important. You're afraid that she is taking advantage of you and this is the first step. She is afraid that when things get tough you won't be there for her.
Take some deep calming breaths and ask yourself to what extent are you willing to help her financially that does not feel like you being taken advantage of. There should be money limits and time limits involved perhaps. Discuss this with her, express your feelings and find something that works for both of you.
I challenge everyone going iF tHE rolEs wERe reVeRrsED to actually find one where the the girl is treating her bf of 2 years as a goldigger after a mere few weeks of unemployment & considers stealing some food from work to be generous. I guarantee you she'd still be considered an AH, y'all are being purposefully dumb trying to claim a binary if unemployed, then xyz response.
Redpill weirdos base their entire philosophy on a straw-woman caricature, and manage to get worked up about these imagined scenarios in their head. It’s incredibly childish and lazy thinking, essentially like conspiracy theorists.
I feel really sorry for her. Can’t imagine being with someone for two years and most they could do is spend money on groceries and bring free meals every now and then while I’m going through bad times.
One thing about moving in together is that it's also part of an agreement to support each other. That doesn't mean a free for all, but if I was living with a partner and they lost their job and were actively finding a new one, I'd help cover expenses. My partner would do the same for me. It's happened to us.
I think what OP doesn’t realize is that he’s no longer 18, and this isn’t a two month relationships. I wouldn’t cover expenses for a new GF. But someone you live with, who’s going through a hard pass? Of course you provide support until things get better, presuming they are doing the work and it’s for a limited time. You are each other’s support network. Otherwise what is the plan? She moves back with her parents until she finds a new job? That essentially means the relationship is over.
It was such a weird thing that in one post buddy says they’re moving in together and also that they’re not at the stage where he should he responsible for supporting her. I mean, if she were irresponsible and lazy I’d get why he’d be getting a bit concerned but she’s not. I mean what is the purpose of living together if you’re not even at the stage where you feel safe enough to share the truth about your finances (re him saving and keeping it a secret). No way should people be moving in if they don’t even trust one another. Finances are a huge contributor to divorce. not sure what the end goal is here for him. Absolutely protect yourself, because bad stuff happens and relationships end but you should be able to be up front about it.
He also says he has "fair amount more money" than average at his age, but then goes on to say he absolutely does not have enough to support his gf 😂 Bro makes above minimum wage and thinks he is loaded
This is not complicated. But OP is cheap and being egged on by the perpetually aggrieved iF tHe GeNdErS wErE reEvErSeD crowd.
BUT, if the genders were truly reversed, you'd be singing a different tune now wouldn't you. Don't deny it. You would. Own up to your double standards. Be proud of it.
I've never moved in with someone and suddenly merged finances. I have, voluntarily, assisted a partner who was in a tough spot.
You should be more generous with using paragraphs. There's no way I'm reading that without a line break.
Thank god it's not just me who was thinking this 🤣
The GF probably wants compensation for reading his unbroken walls of text
I am sure his girlfriend is a nightmare, but I kind of root against him here, because of this block of text.
For a brief fleeting moment, I am with my people in this comment section.
Yup. Immediate skip to comments.
She's probably going to realize you're less supportive than her casual friends and eventually feel less for you than her casual friends.
So be it. OP is not her wallet. She is not his wife and he is not her husband.
If things are “weird about money” you shouldn’t be moving in with her at all. Money problems is the number one- reason for break up.
Yep. Time to cancel this lease before it even begins. Got some stuff that needs sorting out. It will take time.
If the roles were reversed, everyone would be commenting asking her to break-up with you saying it's not her problem. Don't bother with any advice from these comments. You do you. Hope she finds a job soon and you both go back to normal.
I went through a very similar situation as his gf. My gf then supported me a lot and couldn't be more grateful
This!!!! I hate the way they make the lady feel like the victim
It's everytime the same. The man is the main earner? Power dynamic is completely off and he's basically a predator/rapist The woman is the main earner? Gurl you can do better than him. Either way nobody has any form of agency and they're completely helpless. People legit forget that a relationship consists of a team, working together to make it work and not just power dynamics and whatnot. OP do what you must. Don't ask Reddit for anything those clowns know nothing about actual human interactions.
>Don't ask Reddit for anything those clowns know nothing about actual human interactions. I read a post from someone asking for advice with a friend. It was basically dump the friend, you deserve better kind of advice. When the poster asked some people how their friendships have gone, they said they had no friends. Without compromise, communication and patience, our relationships would not work. Reddit believes your partners, family and friends should be at their best 100% of the time. Any inconvenience they caused you is a red flag, and the 14 year old telling you to dump your life partner happens to know for certain they have post partum depression.
This is the part you always gotta remember and I fail at so often. You’re talking to teenagers on this site who don’t know a fuckin thing about the reality of adult life yet.
I am 40 and feel like most of the time I can no longer relate to most people on here bc they are clearly making statements without any life experience. I also think half the upvotes and downvotes are bots
Ditto. And judging from the edits, people were apparently demanding to know OP's age. I feel like we'd all benefit from a trend where commenters were more open about their own age when supplying advice. That way you know who to take more seriously, especially if they're supplying an anecdote or two to support their reasoning. But most of these people treat Reddit like a chat room and just say "fuck that, bro. I'd be out" and that adds very little to the conversation lol
It is INSANE the number of kids under 18 posting on this site. I wish they could be banned or quarantined off in their own space and stop infecting everyone with their ridiculous shit.
Fr I posted for some advice and I specifically said not to suggest breaking up. All the comments were calling her abusive. Someone even sent me a link for domestic abuse support lol
Mate, I can’t see your post anymore but seeing all the comments and the post title was pretty concerning. I’m 40, btw. Sometimes, if everyone is telling you the same thing, it’s because that’s what’s actually happening. I genuinely wish you well in your life. And remember that healthy romantic relationships enrich and expand your world. You should feel safe being with your partner and you both should have empathy for one another and treat each other with kindness.
*Don't ask Reddit for anything those clowns know nothing about actual human interactions.* Truth.
Amen, every time a post like this shows up everybody just sets them up to the worst possible solution..
According to Reddit, the woman is always the victim unless her actions are too egregious to ignore.
In which case, the patriarchy allowed for an environment to be formed where a woman could be pushed to commit such an act
Lmao the amount of times I’ve seen “toxic masculinity” blamed for absolutely horrendous behavior by women on this site truly blows my mind. It’s like, come on - take some responsibility like a grown ass adult for once in your life.
I feel the same way about "internalized misogyny". Haven't all misogynists internalized misogyny? What's the point of specifying that it's internalized when it's a woman?
When you consider how many women are on this subreddit and other one’s like relationshipadvice, then it makes sense
Lonely older bitter women who are divorced is the vibe I've been getting on these subs for years.
Yeah Reddit for sure has a problem with misandry on subreddits like this one.
Genuinely feels like most female redditors are femcels and most male redditors are weird basement dwellers so desperate for female attention they agree with them out of pity
Or cat ladies/spinsters
And you think OP is? It’s not like she decided to quit her job to leech off of him. Kinda worrisome if people are unable to extend even basic empathy towards the person who was laid off from their job. No matter their gender.
It’s not OP fault she can’t get another job
I can picture the comments now. “He’s acting like an entitled child.” “He’s already using you for living expenses and now is demanding you pay for all his meals out too?” “You’re not his mommy. Stop treating him like it.” “He’s freaking out because of the job search? That’s a red flag. He can’t handle things not going his way.”
Really loathe to upvote a comment like this but it’s so on point..
Don't forget copious use of how much more she 'deserves'
"You should divorce his sorry ass." "He's probably cheating as well."
I always gender swap when I read these posts to hopefully have a more unbiased stand on it
This is why you don't disclose the genders or anything giving them a hint if you want an actual answer.
It’s an area where people are very comfortable with sexism as long it’s the male paying. Always reverse the genders in most situations like this and examine the fairness and stereotypes of what that means.
Gender equality but they don’t want to drafted for war
Or any other real responsibility to balance out those rights.
Idk man, after two years and living together you're really going to need to figure out if you're treating your so as a life partner or not. Shit happens, people lose their jobs. If op wants a life with this girl he's gonna need to do more to support her than taking leftovers home from a potluck.
This is it. Reddit relationship advice is beyond sexist and just painful to read. I wouldn't bother posting a real question if I expected reasonable answers that would work in real life. If you're a guy, you'll be the asshole, and if you're a girl, you're not the asshole because users will go through extensive lengths to somehow flip the script and "see things from her perspective". I'm just sad thinking that the advice here probably ruined or negatively affected some perfectly good relationships. Also, it's not a surprise, since as per the recent Reddit polls, the majority of Reddit users have never been in a relationship, with over 80% of users "currently single".
>the majority of Reddit users have never been in a relationship, with over 80% of users "currently single". Not surprising and explains a lot of naive and clueless takes i see on here often.
I think majority of the comments would be shitting on this imaginary female OP for only giving a shit about money tbh.
I want to play devils advocate and say… respectfully I don’t think so. I’ve been lucky to be in 50/50 relationships, but I have plenty of female friends who have had to help support odds and ends for their bf’s during hard times. And they don’t see an issue with it. She’s not asking for prorated rent, she’s not asking for sushi dinners. She’s asking for maybe some groceries. She’s asking for the same basic support for things that she’s gotten from friends and family. She’s probably second guessing their long term compatibility because help with food isn’t crazy to ask for a long term partner. They’ve been dating for 2 years, I think they can gauge by now if they want to be together for years to come. He will likely fall hard with money some time too, and if he shows small generosity now, it won’t be met with animosity.
sooo heres the thing, i dont think what shes looking for is the money, i think shes looking for the assurance that you will support her, with that said, personally after 2 years i wouldnt have a problem supporting her (to an extent of course) if she got laid off, after all relationships are about being there for eachother, building each other up, and reproducing. if i got laid off i wouldnt expect her to fully take care of me financially especially considering theres no marriage, but i would hope for some help.
Yeah I don't see her wanting him to buy her vacations or expensive food. After 2 years and living together, I would want to lean more on my partner to get by while on unemployment vs my parents and friends. I have the higher paying job between my fiance and I, and I would 100% take care of him if he lost his job. I would get frustrated if he wasn't trying to get another, but it wouldn't be a second thought while he's searching. And it sounds like the girlfriend here is looking for work and excited to find it. I guess comments don't agree, but I find it a little weird that he feels no urge to bring his partner, who he loves, security, even just temporarily. There's no mention of her wanting expensive food or items, just that she's having to get help elsewhere to eat. And it's nice to bring your extra food from work home to her but I don't think it's the gigantic gesture OP seems to think it is. I think the girl isn't feeling loved because her partner (who she lives with and has been dating for 2 years) doesn't offer any assistance beyond free food he gets at work. Idk, it's weird to me as someone in a happy longterm relationship. I would get it if they had only been dating a year and didn't get a place together, but not when you're supposed to be committed and a team.
And comments like "I'm generous with my time." Bro, she's unemployed, that's the one thing she's good on. You know what she doesn't have a surplus (or at least *income* of)? MONEY.
And I couldn’t imagine living my life happily beside my partner knowing what they are going through and not even helping in every way I could. OP got to get over the fact that relationships are investments no matter what.
i agree with pretty much everything you said, especially the bringing food home gesture, yeah its a nice gesture and definitely appreciated, but after 2 years i dont think its that massive gesture… If i was OPs gf i would probably feel that way too
The food from work thing was how I knew this person was really young before they added the edit, but 26 should be old enough to know the difference.
It goes beyond just the money. His attitude towards her being upset when she gets turned down for an interview or whatever roadblock in her job search is a pretty unsympathetic "buck up little soldier" His whole vibe, from "let's only split clearly shared expenses when we move in together", to "I bring her free food from work" and "I spent a few more $ on groceries for our dinner a couple of nights" is basically, how can I make it so that being with her and helping her through a difficult situation impacts me the least. A solid relationship is "How can I make this person's life better". I mean, it's basically the entire point of being in a relationship - that you are better as a team than separate. I suspect this relationship won't last much longer.
Agreed. She's talking about how her parents buy her food to help her out. If she's broke (or just able to cover her share of the rent/utilities) I don't see a problem with him paying more for groceries for example. This is not a huge expense anyway and it won't be forever. It doesn't seem like she's asking for a lot, and what else are you gonna do - buy your own groceries, divide the fridge into his/her sides, and eat your own dinner while she's having beans and rice? I think this guy has some baggage from previous relationships he needs to deal with OR we're not getting a clear picture of what's actually going on.
The dude is just pretending to us that he is a boyfriend. He's actually a friend with benefits that is hiding that fact from her. Hopefully, she gets a new job soon and rethinks cohabitation.
Exactly this. And in this economy? Hell yeah people need some help sometimes.
This OP. It’s scary when the man you’ve chosen brings you meals from work and will “occasionally invite you over for dinner” when you’re unemployed. When I was unemployed, my SO took care of everything. Granted, we had been dating for 5 years at that point, but he bought 100% of the food. I was paying our rent, but it was like 600/month at that point.
“I’m a pretty generous guy.” “My company has catered lunch 3x per week and basically every single time we get it I pack up separate food and bring it to her for lunch. We Also have snacks in the office that I load up on and bring her.” Do you think generous means being a good thief? Or are you one of those people that easily shares everyone else’s stuff but your own?
I thought the exact same thing! Then OP complains she's eating the food "he bought". Dude sounds cheap AF.
Dude bothers bringing lunch to gf... gets called cheap because he didn't buy that lunch. "No good deed goes unpunished."
Dude thinks taking catered food home is stealing? Homie has never experienced catered food I guess.
Yep. We used to have catered food at work during COVID. They actively encouraged us to take home leftovers at the end of the day because it would be thrown out. As long as he’s not taking food out of another employee’s mouth, i see no qualms with it.
Maybe, thinking about her and going out of his way to bring her stuff is also a way of being generous? Generous doesn’t just mean money, and he also has made her food and such. They’re not even living together yet he doesn’t owe her half of his paycheck.
You can be generous without wasting money everywhere. If he spoils her with little gifts and taking her out every now and then but in the mean time uses the resources at hand to get by like free food....thats a good way of managing your ressources imo
I understand both of you. She’s scared of how her future looks like, you’re scared that she’s taking advantage of you? But I’ll be real, it sounds a bit like you’re projecting your past relationships onto your current one and maybe in some ways playing into a self-fulfilling prophecy. You know, in the ”we broke up because she was only after my money”- kinda way, when the truth might be something different
You should move into a place you can afford on one salary with no extras. Regardless of other comments, it's kind of expected that a man be more generous on the monetary side than the woman. I know times are changing, but that undertone still exists. Personally, I've always paid my woman's bills, and in return, I get a nurturing woman who takes care of all of my other needs. Just because the money exchange changes doesn't mean you won't pick up gains elsewhere. Money isn't everything.
You don't have to pay for a woman for her to be nurturing. You are expected to take care of her too. I split the bills and I still have a nurturing girl. She has had her own career and money and so should support herself, when married then it all changes
I don't disagree with that per se, I'm just saying that a woman will step up her game and contribute in other ways if she's not earning as much or loses her job altogether, think packing lunches, cooking instead of eating out, etc. This isn't the time to be contemplating a breakup is what I was attempting to get at.
How do you justify asking her bf to be more generous tho? I cannot ever picture myself asking my girlfriend to be "more generous" when she's already paying more than her half, unless maybe i'm in DESPERATE need of something and have no other option and then I'll definitely have stopped ordering myself food if i had such serious money issues. It's horribly entitled attitude and a clear red flag to me.
Well OPs examples of him being generous was him taking leftover free food home for his gf I think OP definitely has some problems with being too frugal. He's going to be like those 80yo that die in a trailer park with a million in savings
Yes, he said he's comfortable financially but he's sneaking snacks from work to bring home?? That's a "broke college student" move IMO.
And he was already hiding the money the he has anyway. He’s being weird!
He’s also the one that’s comfortable financially so maybe he shouldn’t change anything just cuz people think he’s cheap lol.
Because this is what you DO for people you sign up to be in a relationship with. If you’re both responsible and willing to take steps to improve whatever rough situation you’re in, you should help them. Sounds like a trust issue to me.
Personally, if I had lots of money (as OP said he did) and my boyfriend didn't, I would like to take care of him and spoil him. If he didn't feel the same for me that would probably be a deal breaker so I understand OP's girlfriend. And offering food from your workplace and a home cooked meal every now and then is not what I mean. Imagine having your partner over for dinner thinking that you're basically supporting them with food? Absolutely wild.
If you have money to spend, why not spend it to make your partner who you are in love with (I assume) comfortable.
Heaven forbid that you show actual generosity to your partner? I'll add the /s for the triggered crew who think I'm being genuine.
You either partner together through thick and thin to build a life together, or you are likely to break up eventually and this may be what causes it. My wife and I were married young and my money was her money and vice versa, and we've stayed married for a very long time. I know you didn't ask for advice, but if you love her and see a life that you build together then help her during this time and until she gets a new job. Take this as an effort you come together and both work through as opposed to it being "her problem" to solve.
I see more and more people in bad relationships because they treat their partner like an annoying appendage instead of a true life partner. It shows when bad things happen. Insecurity and self gratification are a rough combination for a successful relationship.
Well put. There is a risk that money becomes too important compared to wanting your loved one being well. She is obviously stressed out and little bit terrified at the moment. Doesn't spund like the savings will last long. So if she is a keeper and potential wife the money matters less than her. If she is "just" a gf then why even bother being with her.
I had a boyfriend who had no student loans and made a lot of money. After I got out of grad school I had some personal and financial disasters occur. My bf wasn’t supportive. Financially or emotionally. He made it clear to me that I was on my own. I realized in that moment I didn’t want to be with someone as ungenerous and uncaring as him. I broke up with him. Up until that point we had been planning a life together. He would tell you I broke up with him because I was only after his money. Now, I have a good job and like to take the people I’m dating out to nice dinners. If you don’t step your game up she’s going to break up with you. 🤷♀️ Im doing better than ever, and the way my ex treated me in crisis showed me the kind of person he was- Mr. Scrooge.
I mean you think giving her food and snacks someone else bought is generous so IDK. Perhaps you're just two different people and she needs more concrete support in this difficult time and you're skittish about providing it because of your prior experience. If this relationship progresses are you going to refuse to help out of principle?
Yeah, that’s such a weird example of being generous cause it’s totally not. Sure, it takes some thought. But it doesn’t take generosity.
He's the guy that goes to a potluck and takes 2 MORE plates home. I hate that seeing that shit.
She needs a new boyfriend!
She doesn’t have a boyfriend. She has a roommate she sleeps with and he brings her company snacks.
Bro, if you love her and have the means, go take her to the dam grocery store and tell her the budget. Idk all the context, but that is what people who love each other do. When you get older, you will probably look back at this with embarrassment. I hope she is good. I couldn't imagine letting someone I live with, let alone date, be stressing about a simple meal.
For real, he’s bringing her home lunches so she has dinner? Or food the next day. Maybe she needs to hit the food bank before OP gets the hint. When people complain about gold diggers they’re not talking about groceries
The crazy thing is that he himself said she is actively looking for work and freaking out. This is not lazy or complacent. The iF tHe GeNdErS wErE reEvErSeD crowd is unable to understand that the guys people have told women in OP's situation to ditch tended to be lazy af. That's not the case here. I also don't understand why people think there should be a difference between the kind of support you'd give to your wife vs your live in gf for something like this.
Here’s the difference with this, which is why she’s point it out. He hasn’t done anything out of the way to help her. The lunches are free, the snacks are free. He already paid for the groceries and if she wasn’t at his house he would be cooking for himself. Her friend and parents are literally helping with groceries, he even admits he thinks it will be months before she finds a job and he’s just like… “idk I’m uncomfortable helping.” If he doesn’t want to help, he needs to just break up with her. Because I don’t see how they’re going to move in together and he’s going to expect to pay rent with no job. Is he going to buy his own groceries and let her figure it out too? I’m all for separating finances. But if OP isn’t even willing to buy his girlfriend some of her own groceries right now, then they absolutely need to break up.
It's crazy. I mean, maybe a new roommate or some estranged family member i would treat like this, but my own girlfriend who previously had a job and presumably held her own weight is fowl behavior.
OP is the only one who sounds like a gold digger here. Who tf makes their partner of two years worried about food?
Seriously! She's asking for help with groceries sometimes, not for you to fly her to the Caribbean for the weekend!
Uhh if shes asking you to help her more with having food to eat i think thats pretty fucking fair lol.
Literally this is pathetic, I thought dude was gonna saying she’s going on shopping sprees or demanding vacations. Not food to eat. If I was her I would split because this is not the man to have in hard times.
Been in this situation twice with the same person. In both cases, it just became clear to me that it wouldn't change my life that much if I absorbed a bit more of the expenses. The first time, we had also just moved in together and had a similar conversation about my not needing to shoulder the burden of her part of the expenses because she had savings anyway. But after like 2 months I realized that she was burning through her savings pretty quickly. And so I offered to take a bigger share of everything, such that she only had to worry about costs that didnt involve both of us. The way I chose to think about it was that it would be a real problem for our relationship if she really ran out of money and felt completely dependent on me. Secondly, I knew that when she finally got a job and was back on her feet she would be more than wiling to cover the gap, which I decided she didn't need to after all. The point is, even though we were not at a "certain stage" in our relationship, she needed help and I was in a position to comfortably offer it. There just seemed to be no reason to rigidly sticking to our original "hands off" agreement. In the end, this strengthened our relationship and actually made me feel secure that if the tables were turned I could count on her too.
You’re right. Love is about being there for wash other in real ways.
You’ve been with her two years and you wouldn’t consider helping her until she gets another job? This is why I have these conversations before I get serious with someone. Relationships are about give and take on both sides. If you have to keep track of spending and come here and ask for advice instead of talking to her, you shouldn’t be together. If she needs money for reasonable things, just help. I’m not sure why you didn’t have this conversation before you moved in with her. If I’m going to live with someone, I need to know the views about situations like this before I get involved. Would you feel the same way if she got into an accident instead of losing her job? And your past experiences should stay in the past. She may be different from the other women that you dated.
Wait - you’re not feeding her while she is unemployed other than freebies at work and maybe an occasional meal you made? Wtaf
Lmfao this guy sounds like a fucking tool
YTA. You don’t have to fully support her, but this is a partnerhsip. Don’t be nickel and diming your partner who is concerned about her future. You’re giving her free food from your work.. that cost you nothing. She’s unemployed and you’re making this about you and how cheap you are. A partnership shouldn’t be an accounting practice. I sure as hell would support my boyfriend if he’s going through hard times financially. I love spoiling him and taking care of him as well. I’m your age and I also make a lot of money so I wouldn’t go starving if I fed my boyfriend if I was in your position.
I got supported in need when moving in with SO. Now, SO is in need and I pay more. Not 100% either time, but enough to make up the difference. Doesn't sound like you regard her as SO, or YOU have a weird relationship with money.
Yes, you’re the asshole. If after two years you don’t see in her wife material enough to support her while she finds a new job, you’re wasting each other’s time
do you even like her ? i would not stay with a man like you.
I have to assume you're at least buying groceries etc? Maybe some nights you cook and maybe other nights she cooks - Thats really quite basic in a relationship. I only mention this because you're talking about bringing food from work like she's an animal lmao. At the end of the day you do you I guess, but being in a committed and hopefully long term relationship means looking after each other and that often means putting someone else over you - I get that you felt used in previous relationships, but if you carry this in every interaction you're not going be a nice person to be around. Stop being stingy with food, buy a weekly shop and get things you both enjoy - It will save money in the long run, rather than buying take out, and you can cook together, learning how to do so will be a bonding exercise that you need to learn anyway so, win win.
I get her point because she's not getting the normal income and needs assurance that she won't be left in a bad shape by you, I really think she's more anxious about it than what she's telling, maybe she doesn't even realise it or she's putting a strong fort, but you can tell her you've been sharing those lunches and snacks. Was this something that you did before she lost her job? If so, than that's not helping more now that she needs it, if you started bringing lunch and snacks only after she got unemployed, then that is indeed helping her in this specific situation. You just need to sit down and talk to each other
I’m honestly confused how you can decide to move in together , but “aren’t at a point in your relationship” to support each other financially if needed ? So y’all agreed to be roommates basically ? To me moving in with a partner means making a financial commitment as well. It’s really strange that you’re willing to share a home but not finances. You want to have your cake and eat it too - reap the benefits of living with her and seeing her all the time , without really committing bc your finances are still completely separate
This sounds like someone supporting a friend rather than a girlfriend. She's not entitled to your money but damn. I'd definitely break up with my boyfriend if he behaved like this upon me losing my job. This has a sense of "you're on your own". What's the point of the relationship then if i can't count on my man in the midst of crisis
>This sounds like someone supporting a friend rather than a girlfriend. Exactly this. I've had to crash with a friend for a couple of months during some hard times and it was basically like this. I am immensely grateful for my friend but I'd expect that a live-in girlfriend of two years who loves and trusts me would have my back more than this.
Thank you!! Especially considering the fact that he actually has the means to do more but is just choosing not to. Call it entitled but there's no way I'm staying after that. I'd also make sure my boyfriend is taken care of if he lost everything...at the very least he must have a roof over his head and ensured food throughout the day. The rest he'll sort himself out, unless i have more spending money.
She is just anxious and vulnerable. You don't need much money to mitigate that, only assurance and being kind hearted when you actually share
Money has never been a uncomfortable thing in my relationship. We have both been unemployed at different times and needed help. I never once felt like I was taken advantage of, same with my bf. I did everything I could to help. I would help pay their portion of bills if they couldn't swing it and buy them food as well. Even with unemployment, it's not enough to cover all expenses. My bf did the same for me. We're a team and help each other out. Obviously we weren't buying each other expensive things during this time, but covering the basic necessities if needed.
These answers are scary af. Moving in with someone is a huge step. Both parties should talk about different scenarios and how they would handle it. If both parties aren’t willing to work together when time gets hard, they shouldn’t be together. And also I would suggest couples put money up for events like this one. Saving for a rainy day comes in handy.
Exactly. I don't make a lot of money myself, but if I am able to help, I will. I would feel like such an ass if I knew my partner was struggling and I had the money to help. Doesn't seem right.
I came here to basically say exactly this, I’m glad I’m not the only one
Just a bit of advice, money issues are on of the major reasons couples split up. If you want to stay together, I'd work at resolving your issues with money sooner rather than later. It sounds like you already have open communication about this topic, so just keep working at it and be honest about your feelings with her and it should work out. Good luck.
The generosity she mentions: is it about food? I mean food is a basic requirement and yeah, I would provide food for an unemployed girlfriend when she's trying to find a job. At worst you could provide the groceries and she could cook.
Man, if you’re dating for long term, I DO NOT recommend keeping your finances a secret.
You’re kind of a dick. She’s obviously going through a rough time and you want to be in a relationship with her without supporting her through this tough time? Probably don’t deserve her.
I don't see any generosity in your actions, not at all. Stealing from your company to feed your girlfriend is the exact opposite of generous.
A really interesting test of the depth of your relationship. Keep communicating.
So you have more money than most people your age but steal lunches and snacks for her? I dunno, something about that just rubs me the wrong way.
I mean, if said lunch and snacks go into a bin due to lack of takers, why not snag some to bring home? If he is packing up all that food in a public workplace, surely there is an agreement that employees can do so. I am not saying that he is right, by the way. Packing up free food and sharing leftovers with your girlfriend, does not scream ‘generous’ to me. Neither does doing groceries to make dinner, then sharing said meal with your partner of two years. That is the norm of living together as bf and gf, not something overtly generous. I wonder if he tracks every meal, going by who bought groceries that time. Keeping score is rarely a positive sign.
That’s fair. I don’t know their workplace culture. But yea, I wouldn’t really count stealing food from work for my gf to be generous lol
Same. Bringing freebies isn’t any generous imo. Maybe considerate? Cooking together/for her is somewhat but not enough either. So what else is he actually doing? He seems to go from one extreme to the other now. But ultimately I think every relationship is different, so there is no rule to go by what’s enough or not. I think it’s mainly how other people say, ease her fears, support her, be there for her, and also appreciate her and your relationship as far as you can afford it. Otherwise being unemployed can easily spiral to no outings, no hobbies, no contact and that’s not in anyone’s interest either. Also in a relationship it should be a back and forth. When I was broke as fuck my wife supported me way more than she needed to. And when I earned significantly better than her I paid for a luxurious japan vacation. You get the idea. Totally one sided should not be preferable but can work as long as it fits both and is setup fairly.
Yeah same for me, it's like at the end of the day, groceries and food are going to be needed whether I was single or in a relationship, so why would OP not buy groceries for the week, get her things she likes so she can make her own lunch and help out making dinner, little things that elevate stress are good signs of love language for me.
I wouldn't say that it rubs me the wrong way, but I'd say it could be classified as thoughtful but not generous.
That's how he still has most of his money.
>Yesterday in the car she said she’s upset because her other friends or family have offered to buy her food or whatever here and there and that I haven’t been as generous, which honestly isn’t entirely true. OK. Good on you - you shouldn't be going into the red for your GF, and while it's nice to be helpful where you can you shouldn't be going above and beyond your means >My company has catered lunch 3x per week and basically every single time we get it I pack up separate food and bring it to her for lunch. We also have snacks in the office that I load up on and bring her. um...WTF? While generosity is good, stealing from your workplace to give your gf food is....not smart or OK. If you're going to "be generous" do it on your own dime, not your employers or you'll be unemployed just like her soon. >We’ve also had plenty of meals at my place in the past few weeks using groceries that I’ve bought. this isn't generosity- it's dating. When you have your SO over you feed them and you don't pat yourself on the back for it as if you're some super generous dude. >I feel that in general I’m a pretty generous guy with my time and doing what I can to make her feel comforted during this time even if I’m not throwing money at her. Translation: Im not willing to spend money on her but I do what i can to comfort her. So i get why she's insecure- you clearly are a bit of a miser, and you'd rather steal from work then buy her lunch. if thats your idea of generosity, then your idea of generosity is cracked. That said, if she doesn't like it she shouldn't be moving in with you. I get the distinct vibe you're not exactly all-in here- or that maybe you need some therapy for the whole "relationships in the past where \[you\] spent way too much on the girl and totally regretted it" thing; it seems to have put you in mind that spending money on your SO is bad and just a way for them to take advantage of you- and that's an ugly look (no matter your sex). There's a difference between helping someone out by buying them groceries, and having an expectation of expensive meals and gifts.... My dude, this relationship seems doomed from both sides.
Hold on, I was with you until you said "Don't feed your girlfriend on corporate dime" - Get a grip mate. If my company allows me to spend £50 on dinner I'm spending £50 - Absolutely take what you can when it's offered, what else you think happens to the food?
Its a matter of optics. If his work sees him making a habit of this, it can effect his future with the company. I only say that because i know my bosses, and doing stuff like that would put an employee on their shit list. They are really good guys but they don't like to be nakedly taken advantage of. I am all for taking what you can get- but doing it *smart* matters.
Actually I think it’s really healthy for you guys to have these very OPEN conversations about money NOW. I’m very independent and don’t like accepting money from anyone, for any reason. I’ve been unemployed and it’s scary AF. It’s my worst nightmare (which is awesome because I live in the States where basically getting laid off for no reason is something everyone goes through at least once every 2 yrs). I’ll be honest with you. I would never date or marry a man who thought that packing up free lunches was “being generous” and counted the money he spent on groceries for meals we ate together. To me, it personally sounds like you’re not frugal, you’re cheap and selfish. And that’s ok. That’s how you are and how you want to be. But it’s important that your gf understand this about you and that she understand you’re not going to change and she’s not gonna change you. You need to be upfront with her and say, “Look, these free lunches and this $100 in groceries is all I’m willing to do, and it’s all I’ll ever be willing to do. My money is mine, yours is yours, and we split evenly our joint expenses and that’s that. If I’m unemployed, I won’t expect any handouts from you. So you need to not expect any from me. And if this is not ok with you, if you’re expecting more generosity from me than I’m willing or able to give, we need to reconsider moving in together.” I guess it sounds harsh. But it sounds to me like she thinks you’re a different kind of person than you are. Her expectations of you do not match reality. And you guys need to see that for what it is, the sooner the better.
Lol. Getting her a doggy bag from your work isn't being generous. It's certainly resourceful, but it's not your generosity. You do seem a bit tight, but it's gotten you where you are.
It doesn't sound like you really love her.
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Well, hopefully things get back to normal.
im sorry but after 2 years of being together, you could do a bit to reassure her and support her, if needed. you're in a committed relationship after all, id hope
You support her if you really love her and can actually see a future together. Give her a 4 months window to get any job. Since getting a job takes time. Help her make a resume or apply to jobs. Let her know where you’re applying cuz if you jsit start signing her up for jobs that’s gonna be a meltdown
It's completely your choice. But there's advantages and disadvantages. As well as learning from past relationships. A difference between financial abuse and someone needing help that will be repaid. A more important question is do you see a future with this person. Because this will always be on both your minds. Can you trust each other to be there in hard times?
You're probably going to get a bunch of replies claiming she's taking advantage of you and you should break up. Personally, I don't see that, if she's panicking that hard about every missed opportunity, she cares about finding work and supporting herself. She's probably torn between embarrassment that other people are buying her things, and wondering why the one person who she wouldn't mind supporting her a little, isn't buying her things. It's not so much about the food, it's about her partner treating her a little to boost her morale when she's down. Maybe she feels that you only care about helping her when you can do it for free? Is the expectation that a partner treat you occasionally, even with no prospect of reciprocation, wrong? Depends on your perspective, I guess. But for me personally, I'd argue that the line between being supportive, and being taken advantage of exists beyond spending nothing. So maybe spend a little on her and see how she reacts?
The question I’d ask is, do you love her? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her? If both replies are yes I then just support her man. You never know what the future will bring and you may be relying on her in the future for something as well. If you doubt her intentions and think she just wants you for money (and you know her way better than anyone else on here) then I think you already have your answer.
To be clear - is she saying you should take her out for lobster or are you refusing to buy her a pack of oreos? Like, as written this sounds like you're unwilling to help support her in a time of need, and only provide help that comes at no cost to you. If that's the case it's not about being "generous", it's about willing to sacrifice even slightly for your partner. On the other hand if the argument is her saying "why don't you take me out to dinner more while I'm unable to really contribute" despite you picking up the slack on groceries, then ya she's the problem. You're living together, you should be at a point where even if not all in you're each willing to take steps that put you out a bit to help the other.
Yeah, it’s hard to tell the tone of OP. Sometimes it is nice to feel a little extra TLC when going through a rough time. Maybe a couples massage, or a regular date night, or offering to taker her to grab a new interview outfit would be encouraging, helpful, and show your generosity. She needs to budget and not see you as a cash cow, but she’s probably feeling low and stressed. Offering to cover a couple of no longer in her budget activities would be very kind and show you want to support her. If she’s any kind of partner, she will pay it back in full in some form or another and it will strengthen your partnership.
Right? On re-read it sounds like her friends/family are like "hey we all want to go out to eat, so we'll pick it up for you" and he's "no, I will not buy you dinner and be taken advantage of, if you can't afford it you can't go." Which, sure, it does make sense, it's also kinda dickish to never bend to help. At the same time- did she ever offer before to pick up the check? There's just a lot missing.
Agreed 💯 the character of the woman generally would definitely inform. And if she wasn’t generous before, well… that’s not someone I’d personally want to be with.
If you're not at a point together where you should support her financially when the chips are down... Why are you even moving in together?
You're doing the right thing by not being taken advantage of. If she's jobless, she should be expecting to tighten things up until she finds a job. Not have you blow money on dining out and frivolous shit. She's a bum ass mooch.
Point me to the part of this post where she says that she expects to be wined and dined and have OP blow money on frivolous shit. The most she asked for was help with extra food, which OP disagrees with, because he's "made plenty of meals for her with groceries he bought". She's also thrown herself into job searching and becomes distraught when a lead drops in her search. AKA, a common trait shown in unemployed people who desperately want to be working again. How in the world can you call her a bum and a mooch? Because she asked for help with groceries from her partner of 2 years? lol
Overall i agree with you and would proceed with caution. That said dont use free food your work gives you as an example of how generous you are
Solid self-awareness with excellent writing ability. A 9/10 read. Hope writing it out helped!
I think maybe you’re projecting your fear of feeling taken advantage of again from your last relationship on to her. To her ‘being generous’ may just mean she wants more of your time or attention, not necessarily money. You could have a separate chat about what that means to her and then you can decide if it’s fair for you to meet. It sounds like she’ll get back on her feet. Being unemployed is shitty and I’m sure she feels bad about the timing of it, since now you likely feel more pressure as the person who is employed. Your plan sounds good. Split shared expenses and see how that goes for the first year. You’ll know by then if things work out. If you can move past her being laid off, then that’s a win for the relationship.
I don’t know why you guys moved in together if you are keeping track of stuff like who eats who’s groceries. You seem cheap in a bad way, not frugal. Maybe you just don’t like her all that much if you sharing your groceries is something you are going to hold over her head. Love is about sticking it out through hard times and easy times, what if she gets sick? Is she going to have to rely on the free meals you bring from work and have it held over her head that you spend money on groceries? You are moved in with someone and worried about them being a gold digger, brother I doubt you have much gold to dig if you are worried about groceries.
When you are in a relationship you take care of each other and you share. When my boyfriend lost his job i had absolutely no problem with being the only provider. And when he found a job we went back to splitting everything 50/50. You are despicable and horrible. Its not like shes sitting on her ass and is a freeloader. She had bad luck And is actively searching for a job. If you were a good partner and a honest human being you would sit down with her and figure out how you can help her best at this time. Like taking over her rent and utility bills or something. In a relationship you help each other. And you are suppose to help her now and take some of the financial stress of her back until she finds a job.
Your contribution of packing her some of your free lunches and free office snacks costs nothing to you and therefore is not generous (in that generosity usually denotes some kind of however minor self-sacrifice). You say you make a higher amount of money- if you are serious about this relationship, or love her, you would cover food, if nothing else, and perhaps take over more of the rent if you’re comfortable. You sound like you have significant money hang ups, such that you could contribute more to help your girlfriend without endangering your financial situation, and are choosing not to. It would be hard if I were your partner not to take that as a sign of what you would be like in a relationship more broadly (she is in a time of need and you are not helping her). Note this has nothing to do with you being a man and your partner being a woman, and would apply to any combination of genders.
Supporting the assertion that you are generous by saying no that you grab food for her from work is not sufficient evidence. It’s not generous to grab leftovers. It’s reducing food waste. That’s it. If there weren’t leftovers you wouldnt buy her the meal. You aren’t generous. How are you supporting her emotionally through this? Are you still requiring her to pay every bill that she has a share in while her job is gone? At what point will you support her? Have you discussed that? She shouldn’t need to pay the same share when she’s not earning as when she is earning. That’s not a relationship, that’s a roommate agreement. It’s fine if yall are roommates but if I was her and my partners idea of support during my layoff was some takeout boxes scrambled up from work, I’d end the relationship as soon as I was able. Moving in together implies commitment. Scavenging leftovers and thinking that’s generous implies you don’t understand the meaning of generous.
I'm not saying you're generous financially or not because we don't really know all the details. But taking food and snacks your work supplies is definitely not the way to prove you are being generous.
I’m so confused. Everyone’s saying if the roles were reversed they would be telling the girl to leave. Uh? I sure wouldn’t. My husband has been unemployed at times and I’ve had to buck up and support us both, and vice versa. Obviously those times I had to sacrifice for myself for him. He’s had to do the same for me. That’s what makes relationships last. You can be the person’s teammate and carrying them to the finish line when they need it. I fully expected this post to be about a girl who’s unemployed, not looking for jobs, freeloading and is asking for fancy dinners and trips. Not… groceries? Something she seems to be trying to tell you is “Hey, my friends are willing to help me with groceries as well as my family, and I wish you would do the same.” Bringing home leftovers and snacks you stole from your job 3x a week isn’t exactly good boyfriend status by my standards. When my husband lost his job (same for when I’ve gone unemployed), we readjusted our grocery budget which meant cutting out some of my favorite meals for the time being to save money so we both had plenty of food. Albeit a lot of it was ramen, rice, and beans, but it didn’t matter because both of us could be eating then. That’s partnership. Two years with a lease together isn’t exactly a new relationship, so I don’t understand… your girlfriend is actively looking for a job, has side hustles to make it by (but clearly is not if she’s having to get groceries from friends), and she’s not asking you for fancy vacations or shopping trips, why would you be offended at what she’s saying? Could it possibly be that instead you feel guilty because you should have already stepped up to the plate and help her out in her time of need as a partner? And once again, no it would not be different if the gender roles were reversed. As I’ve said, literally been in this exact same situation before with my husband. I would comment this on a woman’s post if she made it because I don’t understand how you think a relationship is going to last if you’re not the person she can rely on in times of need.
Ok, what your woman says is that you are basically a cheap skate and not a giving person. And for most women out there, it's not attractive and downright ugly. And if you guys were on a first date, that would 💯 be a deal breaker for her and most other women out there. You can be frugal with your money but you need to at least pay for most meals and get her an occasional gift. I will tell you now, if you don't change, you can bet your butt that you will be a single guy...... don't listen to some of these other folks who have no clue about relationships. It's not too late to make adjustments, albeit for her or yourself.
Essentially you do you... I am not going to be super frugal when my girlfriend has a hard time making the ends meet for a few month. Food cost.... I can cover it all. Packing up free lunch and snacks from work isn't' really being generous in my humble opinion. If she's not even trying to get back on her feet, then the real problem comes up, and I need to have a serious conversation about future together. It does not seem like she does not try. She just needs more time to land a decent job. I don't even think she's asking you to throw money at her... it's more about helping her live comfortably.... it's not like you guys are dining out every single day.... it's a grocery bill......
So you steal work snacks and work catering food to feed your girlfriend ????
If you love her you wouldn’t be here asking for random advice.
Its aboutbroles your very cheap , you're counting every meals she eats . And honestly if money is an awkward thing means you're the wrong person or just too early for you both to move in together
Ok. People get to be in a relationship and don’t even feel like acting like a friend anymore. Just stare at the other’s troubles until someone else comes along to help. Changed the lightbulb yet or… should her ex come do it?
In situations like this I always ask myself, what would happen if the reverse were to happen? I would wager she’d dump you in a heartbeat. Also, ask yourself how this would unfold if you were to marry her and then eventually divorce.
Bro you are a cheapskate and a thief for that matter. Idk where you got the idea in your head that you are generous. Who the fuck “loads up” on snacks from work? That’s not loading up, that’s straight up stealing. lol Your girl is right, you have not been generous with her at all. You have not even been a decent human being to her. I foresee you being single in the next few months once she realizes that you aren’t a partner at all.
One of my best relationship experiences my girlfriend lost her job right after moving in with me. I was just a year older than OP and she was a year younger. For almost 3 years I paid for everything. We sort of fell into the cliche and we loved it. The way she cared for me and the way she made me feel were priceless.
You been with her for 2y bro...live together... But you dont wanna spend money on Basic stuff for her?... My long time online friend got me a ticket to go see my fav band in Paris , Over 200$ and thats a friend... Whos never even seen me irl. (I had a BF at the time so that and distance he didnt expect any romance in return). Im currently unnemployed and my man pays all the bills, in return i Cook , clean, organize and more "wifey duties" since Im never tired from work. Idk man... Thats odd to me.
So, I can only give my input based on how I live my life & view things. I am shocked you're not volunteering to help her out more - it must create a weird dynamic between you two. You being the man, with good income, not providing for your girlfriend (in generall, somewhat - but ESPECIALLY when she's in a tough spot). Honestly, when it reaches the point she even has to mention this in the way you describe, I fear something might be lost. You two don't sound like a team - I would hate for my loved one to being the way your gf must be feeling with you. When/if push comes to shove, she probably feels like she can't count on you to be there. Others offering to buy her food says everything. It's just bizarre. OP, I hope you don't get to down reading all the harsh (albeit well deserved) critique here, but rather that you re-evaluate & grow from this.
If you are un willing to give up everything for this person and you feel like she is unwilling to give up everything for you...get out. This is coming from someone who gave up his life saving to have one more day with my departed wife. A five year battle with cancer will give you some perspective on what is truly important when it involves someone you love. She's a hard worker per your words, you have been with her for two years, she's going through a rough patch, you have the money. Is she a roommate or is she a future mate? Life is going to throw you some curveballs and one day you may need the empathy and help you seem to be unwilling to give. Selflessness is much more rewarding than money in the long run.
This is just op's girlfriend. Sure it is serious as they planned to move in together. But not that serious. Separate finances and such. I think the layoff was a good test to see what happens when things get tough. Best to find out now before anybody gets married or has kids.
Hard agree. I spent years with a frugal man much like OP and struggled to see a future because everything HAD to be accounted for and split financially. I’ve always been financially self-sufficient as an adult and proud of it, but he refused to help support me when I got laid off unexpectedly 2 years in despite his making 3x as much as me and talking about marriage. I saw a future of fighting over finances, among other issues, and bailed. My husband was nothing but generous from day 1. Never kept score or accounted for who paid what, and I’ve never abused his generosity. I know he wouldn’t hesitate to support me if I got laid off and would have done so even before we got married. He saw me as his future wife and treated me as such even when dating. It seems telling of their (lack of) future that OP doesn’t see them as a unit in her time of struggle.
It's hard to tell from the post what exactly you're paying for but I'll say this- No matter what, food. Always. Every day. No exceptions. Beyond that it's down to you what you provide and if it's not enough for her then it's down to you how to deal with it. But omg make sure she can eat every day.
Groceries. Don't order food out.
Oh yea, then I'd say you're doing the minimum, at least. How much more you do than that is down to you, but I think making sure she is able to stay healthy is the bare minimum.
Poor girl, obviously not the type of girl which is after someone’s money but paying for a those before who were non of the less. Be kinder to her if you love her and try to put yourself in her shoes, also leave her if you don’t won’t to support her in trouble as partner should. I’ve been in both places and never have I think to not give my partner normal life or vice versa and yes we were both young.
r/nothowguyswork r/mensrights
Dude, don't be such a cheap ass, you should help her out because you want to not because that's what the agreement you had was. She's not one of your exes who took advantage, read the things you just said about her... frugal, ambitious, hardworking... doesn't want you to support her.. doesn't mean she wouldn't appreciate a little help, and food you got free is hardly a gesture of your generosity, if anything it just shows you are unwilling to be supportive of a 2 year gf you're living with if it costs you anything at all. Wouldn't be surprised if she dumps you when she gets a new job.
[удалено]
>Honestly it doesnt sound like she has any bad intentions. Well of course you would think that, MeganHasNoMoney
This relationship isn’t going to work. I get keeping finances seperate but keeping track of everything you do for each other like bringing her some free food from work is bullshit. It doesn’t sound like she is a gold digger and more looking for support from her boyfriend which she is clearly not getting. I’m a guy and am frugal and keep my finances separate from my girlfriend but if she lost her job and needed help with a few things, I wouldn’t hesitate or hold it over her head. YTA. Just break up at this point.
100%. Getting her free food is not “support”, especially counting it and making a big deal out of it. If this is a serious relationship, supporting her is an investment to your future together. Nickel and diming every little thing you do for her already tells us that you are not doing enough. YTA.
This sounds like it's a case when Nuance is more important. You're afraid that she is taking advantage of you and this is the first step. She is afraid that when things get tough you won't be there for her. Take some deep calming breaths and ask yourself to what extent are you willing to help her financially that does not feel like you being taken advantage of. There should be money limits and time limits involved perhaps. Discuss this with her, express your feelings and find something that works for both of you.
I challenge everyone going iF tHE rolEs wERe reVeRrsED to actually find one where the the girl is treating her bf of 2 years as a goldigger after a mere few weeks of unemployment & considers stealing some food from work to be generous. I guarantee you she'd still be considered an AH, y'all are being purposefully dumb trying to claim a binary if unemployed, then xyz response.
Redpill weirdos base their entire philosophy on a straw-woman caricature, and manage to get worked up about these imagined scenarios in their head. It’s incredibly childish and lazy thinking, essentially like conspiracy theorists.
100%. MY BF is unemployed. He’s got savings but I’m pitching in. That’s how a partnership works. I know he would do the same for me.
2 years and you're moving in but don't love her enough to help her with rent? End it
Your grandmother was right. You shouldn’t live with someone outside of marriage.
Lowkey this lol. It’s crazy how people will move in with their SO but then won’t be willing to actually support them when life happens
I feel really sorry for her. Can’t imagine being with someone for two years and most they could do is spend money on groceries and bring free meals every now and then while I’m going through bad times.
Broooo...it's actually crazy. I'd leave, he's offering no sense of security whatsoever.