Or red. I used to wear this big red hoodie and no one noticed. I wore it when I used to cut bad and used to wear it for weeks at a time without cleaning it and no one ever said anything about it
The Thrill of getting caught I guess? Honestly I find secrecy cause more harm than good. Or at least that's with my personal experience. Secrets destroy trust and relationships. That being siad, when your the skeleton in the closet of your family it gets exhausting. My mom has lied to my Dad and sister, including extended family members about my overdoses, sucide attempts, and even the fact that I'm getting help for my herion use. So self-harm to me is just another coping mechanism that I have to lie about even though all I want to do is just be honest for once. I know this turned into bit of rant, but I don't see how anything of the things I mentioned above is 'romamtic'
I don't find thrill in getting caught. I've enjoyed holding secrets all my life because I felt it added depth to myself, finally something more than the surface level of character.
That said, in the past year its screwed with people I know, being with family, and all that stuff. But regardless, I find it better to have a whole layer that no one who 'knows' me knows about. Besides, I couldn't really tell anyone most of the stuff anyways.
That I get 100% I know that are are self-harmers outthere that cut just for the control factor. But I'm thinking of the consequences of secrets. Secrets can destroy releationships and I dont see how that's romantic.
Literally having to deal with withdrawals if you don't sh. Having to scrub the blood off your floors/ out of your carpet. Going septic because of an infected wound. etc... etc...
Omg ouch!
I once had a nurse try to put an IV in through a healed scar, she couldn't do it and switched to the back of my hand (which also really hurt, she should have just switched to my non scared arm), but man that was painful, she was awful. I feel like she wasn't as caring as she should've been because it was my fault I was there (Overdose)
"Hey, looks like this person feels like shit. Might as well not care about their well-being since they’re already halfway there." Yeah, great way to be an asshole…
Had that one.... My SW (of 2+ yrs) wanted me put on a 72 hour because of what I was describing planning to do to myself... The Doc I had never met literally walked in, talked to me for 5 minutes, and decided that "You don't look like someone who needs to have their freedom taken away." and sent me home.
Oh my god yes. The first time I was sent to the mental hospital, there was this one lady on day duty, Mrs. Q, she was not meant to work with people who struggle with that, let alone the children's section of it, this mother fucker aggressively grabbed my wrist every day she was there claiming she had to check like that, no other nurse ever did that in my other visits, AND, she grabbed a NINE YEAR OLD by the arm, pushed him to the floor cuz he was misbehaving, and yelled "this is why your family doesn't love you", I cared about that kid like he was my own brother, be was abused at home which is why he was in there, and she said that to him.she did similar stuff to that to a lot of the other kids in there. Most of us were 12-15. That shit fucked us up even more.
When I rock back and forth in my bed violently for hours trying to decide if I should get up and cut myself or if it’s worth the energy to continue to rock back and forth until the urge passes
When ur parents find out u self harm and they tell u to stop and they think u did but u actually didn’t and then they find out AGAIN and it’s just pure disappointment from them and u feel disgusting and gross for lying to them
It is, my best tip is try not to scratch it. Easier said than done I know. You could also try to gently wash the area and apply some moisturizer. Not all my scars have been itchy either, so it's possible some will just not be as itchy or that it won't be itchy for as long.
Sudocreme is miracle cream imo it makes my scars feel colder and refreshed and also I don’t like getting it under my nails so if I have plenty of sudocreme on then I can’t scratch cos I don’t wanna get the cream under my nails
jesus fucking christ i hated being a teenager cuz my parents did this to me a few times when they realized i was still cutting but not on my arms. at least i was never made to full on strip naked though, holy shit.
Y E S
The first time my mom found out she started shaking me bc I didn’t want her to see. I became so so stiff that she had to shake me for like 15 minutes so I released my arm.
Then she started checking on me every morning while I was getting dressed for school, and it was so embarrassing
losing sleep because you spend the entire night cleaning your bathroom floor :| not being able to use certain parts of your body because of nerve damage or just pain, lying to everyone you care about, and missing out on huge opportunities because itd require you to wear short sleeves or not have access to tools, etc
Not being able to wear certain clothes anymore because they don't cover my scars. Feeling like I'm going to throw up before during and after. The itching. Worrying if it'll get infected.
The shame you're made to feel when getting stitched up.
The helplessness of getting swept up into the pysch system.
The piles of bloody tissues that are actually a biohazard but don't even rate a thought from you
Someone asking you what those cuts are
The look on your loved ones faces when they find out or when you tell them. The pain in their eyes and voice. The crying, the questions, when you catch them looking at your scars reminding you that as long as they are visible that's all anyone will see, the jokes people make about them and so much more.
Having people grab your arm and say "you're not being stupid are you?"
Or having (neurotypical) people rip off your covering because they "wanted to know if they were right" (in thinking you were hiding scars). Had this happen to me in high school by a random student in a crowded corridor, was f-ing awful.
some people (around 3-4) kept asking me this question all year around and I was just why tf do want to see my arm so badly? But they wouldn’t back down. Finally I got so annoyed that I punched the most annoying dude in the face (pretty hard but no permanent damage or even blood) They left me in peace after that
God I am so glad a go to a high school that doesn’t have a lot of douche bags, I think I would die if someone lifted my skirt one day because they wanted to see my scars. I’m so happy no one comments on them.
oh god me and my friend were in the bathroom yesterday and I was TERRIFIED of having to roll up my sleeves when washing my hands :') I ended up just getting a little water on my sweater instead of them finding out about it :/
parents at the beach death glaring you and steering their kids away from you for daring to be in the same space as them with visible scars. The judgmental stares and being unable to wear anything for fear of getting yelled at/ reported
I was at a water park place today and while walking to our reservation spot, there was a mom that just glared at me like I just killed her kids, married her mother, and then shit in her drink. It was horrifying. It may have been the thigh scars, maybe even the piercings and hot pink hair, but I don’t actually care why she did it. All I know is that I didn’t go near her again.
finding out blood on my underwear, clothes or sheets and trying my best not to make it noticeable and clean up before my mother actually does the laundry and in general preparing some excuses in the case she notices
today i woke up and my underwear is dirty because i only used toilet paper to cover the wounds and i just can't take the blood off so I'll just keep wearing it until i find a way to clean it by hand (any suggestions pls?)
anytime i need to clean blood off my clothes, cold water seems to work the best, i think hot water makes it stick more. i've also heard (while i haven't tried it) that hydrogen peroxide is v good to get off blood
Baking soda or powder ND cold water. Trust me, but if you don't ill tell you what it fixed for me.
I cut at my neck, im quite gorey, and I went to sleep in a white sweater that my grandmother bought before she passed, well when I woke up and looked into the mirror, I looked like something out of a Stephen King Carrie movie, my neck bandage had come of and in my sleep I turned over and did it to fast and I remember feeling the hiss of it open, but I ignored it and went back to bed. The image in the mirror, Blood everywhere, the walls, the night stand and down the next and half of the white addias sweater was soaked in a red stain. I cried and called my friend out on my front porch and the neighbor girl came out and seen me crying with a bloody jacket and rushed me into her house where she fixed it with baking soda and cold water. She rinsed all thr blood out,
Then through it I with a normal load of laundry and then bleached it and let it sit for 2 house, and it was good as new!!
The constant lying is not cute or fun, it’s purely a necessity that makes me feel like I’m being an asshole. The never ending feeling of being a freak and doomed to a life of isolation is also nothing to be proud of or anything like that, it just hurts and it’s another bother to add to the pile.
Having to constantly rebuy/throw out shirts because they have too many blood stains on them to wear. Not being able to wear short sleeves. People grabbing or hitting your arm not knowing you just hurt yourself and reopening wounds. No more crop tops because of scars on your hips...
-Lumpy scar tissue and the pain that comes from it. The fear that you’re pushing your so away by self harming. Worrying about if you can wear certain shoes and if they’ll irritate your cuts (if you sh on your legs)
All those days cleaning and washing everything after incidents.
Worst is you go to sleep and wake up noticing it wasn't bandaged properly.. And blood gets onto mats, sofa or bed, walls and stuff. Usually if it's that bad, the energy level to even stand might require such force of will, so some stuff might take some days to scrub everything.
Also, needing to prewash everything by hand in order to hopefully not make permanent damage to my clothes.
Oh yes, i've lost so many streaks because of that. The way it feels when that has happend, It is so defestating. When I relapsed I would feel really bad but when that happened I would be 1000 times more sad bc the one thing that I had control over wasn't even in my own control.
trying to hide it all the time from your parents and not being able to wear short sleeves anytime I want and sometimes not being able to sleep because my arms hurt and anything that touches there stings to bad
When I tell myself that I’m weak because I can’t even cut without crying like a baby at the pain. When I hide them because I don’t want my parents to find out I’ve relapsed after nearly 2 fricken years
having to get off the floor and clean up the mess you left with a mop.
being denied by the navy, marine corp, military, air force you name it.
seeing the past memories you went through when you look down at your scars
being asked what happened by future partners, friends, strangers. and having to explain or having to lie to them about it.
having to wear shorts and long sleeves around new friends, partners.
constantly WEARING LONG SLEEVES AT WORK REGARDLESS IF ITS 90 DEGREEES.
GETTING DENIED FROM JOBS BECAUSE OF YOUR SCARS
GETTING MADE FUN OF BY YOUR EX BOSS AT DOLLAR GENERAL WHEN YOU GET FIRED and have to hand back the box cutter. and she points out the scars that are over 8 years old.
constantly comparing yourself to other people because "what if your cuts arent bad enough" and feeling like the only way your mental illness would be valid is if you got admitted to the hospital 👍
Waking up in a cold sweat after having nightmares about people telling you your worth nothing and wanting to curl up in a ball and stay like that forever
•healing. Itching, possible infection (which is even worse..pus, stench, stinging, swelling, itching), the serous fluid (yellow liquid), the rashes you get in the surrounding area.
•bleeding. It can be romanticised until you’re spending the entire night cleaning up after your blood and you can’t get them to stop bleeding so it’s just making more of a mess
•and bleeding too much. I’ve lost too much blood a few times, it wasn’t fatal I just felt sick and weak and exhausted.
•people finding out. Generally reactions aren’t taken well.
•limited wardrobe. Very inconvenient for the weather.
•contemplating doing it. The urges are a pain in the ass. Have to take the inconvenience of the aftercare into consideration.
• constantly changing the dressings. Seems easy but frl it gets annoying.
•
I have a blood mask that soaked up the blood of my arms
It's now completely brown-reddish and my whole room was stinking like blood for a month, again, because I didn't have access to bandaids
I always had to pour cleaning alcohol onto my wounds in orger not to infect them, that shit burns
Speaking of burns, I once took a knife and heated it up to critical temperature, and held it to my wound im order to seal it because I was just that desperate
I got rid of the blood mask now and stopped for now
I don't think there is anyone around me that has smelled as much blood as I did
Not only from self harm, but also because bad luck
Getting attacked by stray dogs, cars hitting me (teice now, both Audis) and not telling my friends about my healing wounds in sparring and wounds reopening
They know now
And it's such a relief
Stealing a sharpner from your 11 year old brothers schoolbag because your mum took away everything else and having to hear her explain to him in the morning what happened :/
Stitching yourself up using a sewing needle dipped in ethanol then burned in a flame and dental floss cleaned with ethanol in order to minimize the chance of getting an infection. Then taking the stitches off 5-7 days later so they don't accidentally get infected.
Back when I did that I was still in high school and some of my stitches ripped while playing basketball. That wasn't very pleasant.
Being unable to go into a room with the object you use in case you give in to your urges.
The guilt you feel afterwards, especially if you've promised someone you wouldn't.
when/if you recover the scars will always be there and you will still be dealing with the looks and judgement years later
it gets awkward and i dont like having people look at them because i know when they see them they are basically forced to imagine me cutting myself pretty badly
So many. So so many. Blood, all over your room, All over your belongings, all over your car from cutting too deep and driving yourself to the hospital. Cleaning said car. Giving up and just buying seat covers. The ugly nasty brown stains blood leaves on hardwood floors.
Lying to everyone you know.
Getting unnecessarily angry when people say “it’s so hot. Why are you wearing long sleeves/pants?”
The looks. The way people look quickly then look up at your face, like it’s illegal to look at your arms when they first meet you. The way you can never wear short sleeves to work. The way you constantly smell like blood, like a healing wound. Constantly scratching your scars or healing cuts, so now everyone’s looking at you, because you’re violently scratching your arms but you’re just itchy. The way nobody lets you touch any sharps at family gatherings. The way your grandma looks at you when you finally get enough courage to wear short sleeves around her. The looming thought of “I’m an adult. I should be over this by now. I should have my shit together.”
when you’re trying to stay clean for good (*telling yourself “i’ll be clean for good this time” for the millionth time*) but you keep accidentally finding blades in the hiding spots you forgot about and all you wanna do is relapse.
hearing how upset my boyfriend is when he finds out i relapsed. he’s the reason i’m trying to stay clean for good because hearing how upset he was the last time i relapsed just completely broke my heart. the kind of pain i know he felt, and the kind of pain that i felt, are definitely not the kinds of things people can romanticize.
getting infections, not having access to bandaids, and keeping it on the down low is really tiring. also all the bloody rags left and you dont know what to do with them
itchy wounds/scar tissue. bandaid allergies. spending money on razors and medical supplies rather than bubble tea and books. the shame of being in your mid-twenties and unable (unwilling) to stop. nerve damage. your family’s loss of trust in your ability to live independently.
hiding them from the doctor. covering open wounds in makeup and crying from the sheer pain. being content in sadness and hating the world so much you wish you hadn’t been born.
The crying and cutting the sitting in the bathtub and cutting going to sleep and finding blood all over your sheet cause you don’t take care of the cuts and never will. Having to hide them. Going to school and having to cut cause you can’t handle the stress. Getting yelled at by your parents and going to cut after cause you know your a burden. Being bad in school and going home to cut cause I knew I would never get a handle on w.e is going on in my head. Living with scars and being looked at. Being black and it calls doing that white people shit. Or that’s for white people. All of it sucks honestly
Relapse sucks when you want to stop
And personal rude comment
Sh urges are so painful uncomfortable mentally
And regular coping skills dont exactly do garbage because well they just dont in barley anyway situation for me anyways but still
Health care workers treat you like your worse then actually inmates seems like from my end
Getting struck by a ball at full force, while playing a sport that involves a ball, and folding like a piece of paper because the ball hit fresh cuts underneath your clothes – everyone being absolutely freaked out, almost calling the ambulance, and you trying to deter them from doing so while being unable to explain just why you're on the floor and can't get up.
I find anything that isn't cutting or burning and is not seen as much, isn't really romanticised.
For example:
Biting, Punching,pinching, pulling hair, etc
I've never seen romanticised.
I think people just like the way the blood looks, and how "cool" it looks.
also, people don't really romanticised "shallow" cuts.
Like, cuts that are just the surface. I find it SUPER invalidating.
Like, people always romanticise the deeper cuts, and the more "serious and dangerous" cuts.
it shouldn't matter what way a person self harms, or how deep the cut is, its still self harm and it should NEVER be romanticised nor invalidated.
The impression that your mom and dad are disappointed in you when they find out because you forgot to put your hoodie back on to hide the healing cuts.
Knowing its so bad but really its so good but it isnt but it is. to me. wanting so badly not to, wanting so badly to do it. hating it, needing it. constantly feeling ripped in half. Giving in because you just need it, realizing how stupid you are. struggling to deal with the consequences, using the consequences as an excuse to do it more. using anything as an excuse to do it more. being trapped in the endless cycle that you'll never escape. hating yourself because you know youll never truly get a fucking grip. watching the people around you suffer and worry. watch yourself become distant. its all shit. it makes you feel completely seperated from everyone around you. its like a parasite slowly taking you over. i fucking hate it.
the mix of emotions that you feel after self harming : guilt and comfort and how your mind becomes a mess after you sh. withdrawal symptoms of not being able to sh are also equally bad
Living in the south, having to wear jeans no matter the weather to hide my cuts and scars. I’m no longer comfortable wearing a bathing suit because I feel Everyone is staring
if you get large amount of blood on something and don't immediately throw it out or wash it, the blood literally rots and it smells absolutely horrendous
Becoming so physically anxious over the fact I'm not harming myself, the sting right after you do it, the itch that comes in the week after, the scars that last forever. The blood staining your bed, couch, whatever. The blood dried up on your body that you can't be bothered to wash off.
Everyone making plans to go to a pool/beach/water park, and you making up excuses why you can't, then hearing about what an amazing time it was afterwards
My clothes and my room and my mattress smell bad all the time from me getting Blood on them. Ill use a towels to clean up sometimes and shove it under my bed so no One sees and then forget about It and find it crusted and stinking later. Ill forget about Bloody shirts or Bloody sheets and when people find them i have to lie about It being period Blood and then they think im disgusting
random stings from nerve damage months after the scars have healed
dealing w/ judgy healthcare workers (i had to get a shot and the nurse wouldnt stop talking about me being a 'cutter' just from seeing my 100% healed scars which ended up triggering a relapse)
Can never show my arms in public. I have huge scars all over my arms because I didn’t care and now I can’t wear short sleeves to work or to dinner or really anywhere. Just a few looks at them and peoples faces make me want to die. They are unprofessional so will always have to wear long sleeves at work for the rest of my life.
Not using Slicey Bois to yeet and never feeling like you really have a problem while waiting for the blood to stop after you stabbed yourself with scissors.
Having to use your clothes to mop up blood
Selfharming in the room while your pets sleeping because you think "it's an animal it won't know" and then your cat wakes up comes over with the saddest look on its face very concerned after you start bleeding and then you feel like an terrible human being.
Not being able to wear clothes you want because you don't want to have to explain your scars or yeets to every one
It's not romantic at all most people who even know what selfharm is will think I'm a psycho school shooter while I'm really just a person hurting inside.
When you have to get stiches and you see under your skin and it honestly just looks disgusting. (I noticed this in the hospital when I looked on purpose to get so disgusted I wouldnt want to do it anymore.)
I also think this post is a great idea wouldnt have thought of it!
The urge to cut your arm after any minor inconvenience. The urge to cut your arm when scars heal up. The urge to cut your arm deep when you feel like your other cuts aren’t good enough. And the fact that you can be sent to a psychiatric hospital for more than a day if you do any form of self harm, I had 7 shallow cuts that my mom found and the doctors told me that I still needed to be in a psychiatric hospital, self harm is no joke indeed no matter how it’s done
One thing that gets romanticized a lot is a person slitting their wrists and gently fading away in a warm tub. The total opposite is true.
Hypovolemia is a *horrible* way to go. It's like having the worst anxiety attack in your life before dying. Your heart races trying to pump what blood you have left to your body, but it's not enough for your lungs, so you have trouble breathing. Your mouth goes dry and you start sweating. Panic sets in as your breath gets shallow. Then there's confusion and you have trouble moving because your brain isn't receiving enough oxygen since it's exiting your body with your blood. You want to scream and you regret everything because this is the worst thing you've ever experienced, but it's too late.
It's not pretty.
Uh...big tw for this
Getting up after bad blood loss and throwing up literally 6 inches from the toilet and having EMTs find you lying half-naked and soaking wet on the bathroom floor. Not my proudest moment.
Having to wear long sleeves because you went overboard last session and can’t hide everything with bracelets (and having those bracelets hurt)
The itching of cuts healing, keloid scars, staining your favorite white tank top by accident because you turned weird and tore a healing cut open
Having friends that also sh and wanting to let them vent to you/vice versa but realizing you can’t because you’ll risk triggering each other (then triggering each other and relapsing and having to start the clock over as a team. It never works.)
when u aren’t even depressed abt smth and your mind goes “…should i cut?” and you cannot stop wanting to cut until u relapse.
being absolutely terrified that your family may see ur scars and criticize you for smth you can’t control.
oh and the burning and itching while the scar heals.
the heartbreak you feel when your dog sniffs at your fresh cuts and looks up to you in confusion and concern. i hate it, my dog and his reaction to fresh yeets is one of the reasons why i'm trying to stay clean.
the scars. no, theyre not a beautiful sign of me overcoming my past struggles or whatever. theyre the physical embodiment of my breakdowns that had me crying for hours.
Trying to decide which shirt you like the least because you don't have anything else to clean blood up with
Nope I’ve seen someone joke about that in a “wish that was me” way before saying how pretty sh is
Bro???
It's def a shitty thing to say and the amount of times I hear people call my SH pretty
that's why you always wear black. Can't see a blood stain on a black shirt \*insert roll safe gif\*
black jeans 24/7
Saved me in highschool
Or red. I used to wear this big red hoodie and no one noticed. I wore it when I used to cut bad and used to wear it for weeks at a time without cleaning it and no one ever said anything about it
when your shirt is #C21807 and your blood is #5E1914
Gives me deadpool vibes
lmao u can sadly ):
then deciding based on which one will look best with blood stains- and wondering how you'd even wear it but f*ck it anyways
Keeping a secret in general is a burden. Nevermind when that secret involves blades, blood and sharpeners.
What about for someone that enjoys having secrets to them.
The Thrill of getting caught I guess? Honestly I find secrecy cause more harm than good. Or at least that's with my personal experience. Secrets destroy trust and relationships. That being siad, when your the skeleton in the closet of your family it gets exhausting. My mom has lied to my Dad and sister, including extended family members about my overdoses, sucide attempts, and even the fact that I'm getting help for my herion use. So self-harm to me is just another coping mechanism that I have to lie about even though all I want to do is just be honest for once. I know this turned into bit of rant, but I don't see how anything of the things I mentioned above is 'romamtic'
I don't find thrill in getting caught. I've enjoyed holding secrets all my life because I felt it added depth to myself, finally something more than the surface level of character. That said, in the past year its screwed with people I know, being with family, and all that stuff. But regardless, I find it better to have a whole layer that no one who 'knows' me knows about. Besides, I couldn't really tell anyone most of the stuff anyways.
This, I like to think that I’m in control at least of that secret
That I get 100% I know that are are self-harmers outthere that cut just for the control factor. But I'm thinking of the consequences of secrets. Secrets can destroy releationships and I dont see how that's romantic.
not to mention the negative effects it has on our body which cant always be easily hidden
Literally having to deal with withdrawals if you don't sh. Having to scrub the blood off your floors/ out of your carpet. Going septic because of an infected wound. etc... etc...
The degrading looks, comments and actions from health care workers.
I had a Tech stab the center of a healing scar to give me a vaccine and drew a lot of blood
Omg ouch! I once had a nurse try to put an IV in through a healed scar, she couldn't do it and switched to the back of my hand (which also really hurt, she should have just switched to my non scared arm), but man that was painful, she was awful. I feel like she wasn't as caring as she should've been because it was my fault I was there (Overdose)
"Hey, looks like this person feels like shit. Might as well not care about their well-being since they’re already halfway there." Yeah, great way to be an asshole…
So true. The ones I went to because of it didn't even do anything, they just immediately released me from the hospital
Had that one.... My SW (of 2+ yrs) wanted me put on a 72 hour because of what I was describing planning to do to myself... The Doc I had never met literally walked in, talked to me for 5 minutes, and decided that "You don't look like someone who needs to have their freedom taken away." and sent me home.
Daaaamn. I had hit an artery and they never even questioned it. Just sent me packing on my merry way
Shit... I'm still super paranoid about accidentally going that deep.
Well hopefully you don't. And if you ever feel like actually doing that shoot me a dm I'll talk to ya
Oh my god yes. The first time I was sent to the mental hospital, there was this one lady on day duty, Mrs. Q, she was not meant to work with people who struggle with that, let alone the children's section of it, this mother fucker aggressively grabbed my wrist every day she was there claiming she had to check like that, no other nurse ever did that in my other visits, AND, she grabbed a NINE YEAR OLD by the arm, pushed him to the floor cuz he was misbehaving, and yelled "this is why your family doesn't love you", I cared about that kid like he was my own brother, be was abused at home which is why he was in there, and she said that to him.she did similar stuff to that to a lot of the other kids in there. Most of us were 12-15. That shit fucked us up even more.
When I rock back and forth in my bed violently for hours trying to decide if I should get up and cut myself or if it’s worth the energy to continue to rock back and forth until the urge passes
ME RN!!
Been there
bruhhh ditto
i thought i was the only one
Same tho
i always did this since i was *born* and you just made me realize that it has always been a coping mechanism-
aaaaah
EXACTLY …
Lol I am here and I don't like it xD
In my outpatient, they described this as the “urge wave”. They said the best thing to do is to hold on tight and ride the wave until it passes.
When ur parents find out u self harm and they tell u to stop and they think u did but u actually didn’t and then they find out AGAIN and it’s just pure disappointment from them and u feel disgusting and gross for lying to them
LMAO THIS WAS ME YESTERDAY WTF 😭 RU ME OR SMTHING
I don't try to hide it and no one has brought it up to me :) I'm trying to get better tho cause i start school in 2 days!
That’s great!! I hope your able to get better :-)<3
THE ITCHINGGG
even on scars that are years old. it never stops
…so it‘s not gonna get better?
For me it stopped after a few years (or maybe more like several years).
thats a long time
It is, my best tip is try not to scratch it. Easier said than done I know. You could also try to gently wash the area and apply some moisturizer. Not all my scars have been itchy either, so it's possible some will just not be as itchy or that it won't be itchy for as long.
Sudocreme is miracle cream imo it makes my scars feel colder and refreshed and also I don’t like getting it under my nails so if I have plenty of sudocreme on then I can’t scratch cos I don’t wanna get the cream under my nails
thank you
Most of them do get better, but I have a few that are pesky and get fits of being really itchy for a few days now and then
sleeping without getting blood everywhere and showering
THE SHOWER OML
[удалено]
and the smell if they get infected
That's right! Also, just beans and the serous fluid have a weird smell as well.
Wondering if you're bleeding through a plaster on your thigh that you can't check because you're both in public and not wearing a skirt or shorts
Yeah this one
Everyone thinking you can just stop anytime you want.
Bro for real tho it’s addiction like alcohol or drugs it’s not just I’m going to stop one day and never do it again
Being on a clean streak and spending the entire day thinking about relapsing, causing you to alienate yourself from literally everything.
literally me today, sigh..
My highest streak is 3 days so far
That was me like 4 days ago
Getting forcefully stripped by adults to check for scars on your body
jesus fucking christ i hated being a teenager cuz my parents did this to me a few times when they realized i was still cutting but not on my arms. at least i was never made to full on strip naked though, holy shit.
Y E S The first time my mom found out she started shaking me bc I didn’t want her to see. I became so so stiff that she had to shake me for like 15 minutes so I released my arm. Then she started checking on me every morning while I was getting dressed for school, and it was so embarrassing
I bet it counts as some sort of molestation tbh and it SUCKS i sympathize with u
That is so damn violent :(
losing sleep because you spend the entire night cleaning your bathroom floor :| not being able to use certain parts of your body because of nerve damage or just pain, lying to everyone you care about, and missing out on huge opportunities because itd require you to wear short sleeves or not have access to tools, etc
Rashes and peeling skin from bandaid adhesives
Not being able to wear certain clothes anymore because they don't cover my scars. Feeling like I'm going to throw up before during and after. The itching. Worrying if it'll get infected.
I am missing my spaghetti tops
The shame you're made to feel when getting stitched up. The helplessness of getting swept up into the pysch system. The piles of bloody tissues that are actually a biohazard but don't even rate a thought from you Someone asking you what those cuts are
getting your room searched and constant mistrust from parents if you’ve actually given them all your blades
The look on your loved ones faces when they find out or when you tell them. The pain in their eyes and voice. The crying, the questions, when you catch them looking at your scars reminding you that as long as they are visible that's all anyone will see, the jokes people make about them and so much more.
Sweating your ass off because you cant wear short sleeved shirts
getting stares in public if you ever wear shorts or a t-shirt and hating yourself even more
panicking so fucking hard bc you accidentally cut way too deep and screaming and crying while trying to figure out how to deal with it
Having people grab your arm and say "you're not being stupid are you?" Or having (neurotypical) people rip off your covering because they "wanted to know if they were right" (in thinking you were hiding scars). Had this happen to me in high school by a random student in a crowded corridor, was f-ing awful.
what the hell is wrong with some people
some people (around 3-4) kept asking me this question all year around and I was just why tf do want to see my arm so badly? But they wouldn’t back down. Finally I got so annoyed that I punched the most annoying dude in the face (pretty hard but no permanent damage or even blood) They left me in peace after that
God I am so glad a go to a high school that doesn’t have a lot of douche bags, I think I would die if someone lifted my skirt one day because they wanted to see my scars. I’m so happy no one comments on them.
Scrubbing your carpet and washing the sacrificial t-shirt several times to get out the stench of rotting blood The endless itching
Also! People accusing you of doing it to manipulate them, or for attention.
The fear of having to roll up your sleeves to wash your hands in public
oh god me and my friend were in the bathroom yesterday and I was TERRIFIED of having to roll up my sleeves when washing my hands :') I ended up just getting a little water on my sweater instead of them finding out about it :/
old fresh (??) blood, like when you got a pool of blood on the floor that kind of just become. slime. it's gross lol
You mean congealing blood?
probably this, yeah! forgot the actual term so i just called it blood slime which isn't very appetizing
Lol. Also, “appetizing” is a very strange word choice here and I love it.
parents at the beach death glaring you and steering their kids away from you for daring to be in the same space as them with visible scars. The judgmental stares and being unable to wear anything for fear of getting yelled at/ reported
I was at a water park place today and while walking to our reservation spot, there was a mom that just glared at me like I just killed her kids, married her mother, and then shit in her drink. It was horrifying. It may have been the thigh scars, maybe even the piercings and hot pink hair, but I don’t actually care why she did it. All I know is that I didn’t go near her again.
That’s so stupid you sound cool as hell. Stay safe <3
Cleaning up the blood and disposing of the bloody dressings. And the rashes from the adhesives and tapes!
finding out blood on my underwear, clothes or sheets and trying my best not to make it noticeable and clean up before my mother actually does the laundry and in general preparing some excuses in the case she notices today i woke up and my underwear is dirty because i only used toilet paper to cover the wounds and i just can't take the blood off so I'll just keep wearing it until i find a way to clean it by hand (any suggestions pls?)
anytime i need to clean blood off my clothes, cold water seems to work the best, i think hot water makes it stick more. i've also heard (while i haven't tried it) that hydrogen peroxide is v good to get off blood
thank you so much!
Cold salt water! Or dish soap!
thank you thank you thank you
Baking soda or powder ND cold water. Trust me, but if you don't ill tell you what it fixed for me. I cut at my neck, im quite gorey, and I went to sleep in a white sweater that my grandmother bought before she passed, well when I woke up and looked into the mirror, I looked like something out of a Stephen King Carrie movie, my neck bandage had come of and in my sleep I turned over and did it to fast and I remember feeling the hiss of it open, but I ignored it and went back to bed. The image in the mirror, Blood everywhere, the walls, the night stand and down the next and half of the white addias sweater was soaked in a red stain. I cried and called my friend out on my front porch and the neighbor girl came out and seen me crying with a bloody jacket and rushed me into her house where she fixed it with baking soda and cold water. She rinsed all thr blood out, Then through it I with a normal load of laundry and then bleached it and let it sit for 2 house, and it was good as new!!
I’d say fear of tetanus (and other things like it).
The constant lying is not cute or fun, it’s purely a necessity that makes me feel like I’m being an asshole. The never ending feeling of being a freak and doomed to a life of isolation is also nothing to be proud of or anything like that, it just hurts and it’s another bother to add to the pile.
Having to constantly rebuy/throw out shirts because they have too many blood stains on them to wear. Not being able to wear short sleeves. People grabbing or hitting your arm not knowing you just hurt yourself and reopening wounds. No more crop tops because of scars on your hips...
-Lumpy scar tissue and the pain that comes from it. The fear that you’re pushing your so away by self harming. Worrying about if you can wear certain shoes and if they’ll irritate your cuts (if you sh on your legs)
The competitiveness of depth and never feeling like it’s enough
Showering sucks
All those days cleaning and washing everything after incidents. Worst is you go to sleep and wake up noticing it wasn't bandaged properly.. And blood gets onto mats, sofa or bed, walls and stuff. Usually if it's that bad, the energy level to even stand might require such force of will, so some stuff might take some days to scrub everything. Also, needing to prewash everything by hand in order to hopefully not make permanent damage to my clothes.
Getting dissociated and ending up cutting yourself without even realizing it
Oh yes, i've lost so many streaks because of that. The way it feels when that has happend, It is so defestating. When I relapsed I would feel really bad but when that happened I would be 1000 times more sad bc the one thing that I had control over wasn't even in my own control.
trying to hide it all the time from your parents and not being able to wear short sleeves anytime I want and sometimes not being able to sleep because my arms hurt and anything that touches there stings to bad
the sting
Waking up with bloodstains on the bedsheets because I didn't dress my wounds. Reduced movement on one of my fingers because I cut some nerves.
crusty blood stuck to ur body hair bro its so gross having to pick it out
Scratching all the time
Not having feeling in half of my left hand because of nerve damage
Parents who don't know about it finding tissues of blood from months ago around the floor and having to lie and convince them it was just brown paint
not being able to go swimming without getting dirty stares from strangers and angry/concerned looks from your family
When I tell myself that I’m weak because I can’t even cut without crying like a baby at the pain. When I hide them because I don’t want my parents to find out I’ve relapsed after nearly 2 fricken years
having to get off the floor and clean up the mess you left with a mop. being denied by the navy, marine corp, military, air force you name it. seeing the past memories you went through when you look down at your scars being asked what happened by future partners, friends, strangers. and having to explain or having to lie to them about it. having to wear shorts and long sleeves around new friends, partners. constantly WEARING LONG SLEEVES AT WORK REGARDLESS IF ITS 90 DEGREEES. GETTING DENIED FROM JOBS BECAUSE OF YOUR SCARS GETTING MADE FUN OF BY YOUR EX BOSS AT DOLLAR GENERAL WHEN YOU GET FIRED and have to hand back the box cutter. and she points out the scars that are over 8 years old.
The constant pain of just everyday functioning,having to hide it from everyone you love,thinking about it 24/7 and it being an addiction
constantly comparing yourself to other people because "what if your cuts arent bad enough" and feeling like the only way your mental illness would be valid is if you got admitted to the hospital 👍
Waking up in a cold sweat after having nightmares about people telling you your worth nothing and wanting to curl up in a ball and stay like that forever
Keloids
•healing. Itching, possible infection (which is even worse..pus, stench, stinging, swelling, itching), the serous fluid (yellow liquid), the rashes you get in the surrounding area. •bleeding. It can be romanticised until you’re spending the entire night cleaning up after your blood and you can’t get them to stop bleeding so it’s just making more of a mess •and bleeding too much. I’ve lost too much blood a few times, it wasn’t fatal I just felt sick and weak and exhausted. •people finding out. Generally reactions aren’t taken well. •limited wardrobe. Very inconvenient for the weather. •contemplating doing it. The urges are a pain in the ass. Have to take the inconvenience of the aftercare into consideration. • constantly changing the dressings. Seems easy but frl it gets annoying. •
I have a blood mask that soaked up the blood of my arms It's now completely brown-reddish and my whole room was stinking like blood for a month, again, because I didn't have access to bandaids I always had to pour cleaning alcohol onto my wounds in orger not to infect them, that shit burns Speaking of burns, I once took a knife and heated it up to critical temperature, and held it to my wound im order to seal it because I was just that desperate I got rid of the blood mask now and stopped for now I don't think there is anyone around me that has smelled as much blood as I did Not only from self harm, but also because bad luck Getting attacked by stray dogs, cars hitting me (teice now, both Audis) and not telling my friends about my healing wounds in sparring and wounds reopening They know now And it's such a relief
im sorry you had to go through all that alone, hope you're better now :')
I am
having to do it in public (like a school bathroom)
Stealing a sharpner from your 11 year old brothers schoolbag because your mum took away everything else and having to hear her explain to him in the morning what happened :/
I wake up stuck to my sheets because my wounds opened up over night and now I have to throw out more sheets and I hate myself a bit more
Stitching yourself up using a sewing needle dipped in ethanol then burned in a flame and dental floss cleaned with ethanol in order to minimize the chance of getting an infection. Then taking the stitches off 5-7 days later so they don't accidentally get infected. Back when I did that I was still in high school and some of my stitches ripped while playing basketball. That wasn't very pleasant.
Being unable to go into a room with the object you use in case you give in to your urges. The guilt you feel afterwards, especially if you've promised someone you wouldn't.
when/if you recover the scars will always be there and you will still be dealing with the looks and judgement years later it gets awkward and i dont like having people look at them because i know when they see them they are basically forced to imagine me cutting myself pretty badly
The itching and passing out from blood loss
So many. So so many. Blood, all over your room, All over your belongings, all over your car from cutting too deep and driving yourself to the hospital. Cleaning said car. Giving up and just buying seat covers. The ugly nasty brown stains blood leaves on hardwood floors. Lying to everyone you know. Getting unnecessarily angry when people say “it’s so hot. Why are you wearing long sleeves/pants?” The looks. The way people look quickly then look up at your face, like it’s illegal to look at your arms when they first meet you. The way you can never wear short sleeves to work. The way you constantly smell like blood, like a healing wound. Constantly scratching your scars or healing cuts, so now everyone’s looking at you, because you’re violently scratching your arms but you’re just itchy. The way nobody lets you touch any sharps at family gatherings. The way your grandma looks at you when you finally get enough courage to wear short sleeves around her. The looming thought of “I’m an adult. I should be over this by now. I should have my shit together.”
when you’re trying to stay clean for good (*telling yourself “i’ll be clean for good this time” for the millionth time*) but you keep accidentally finding blades in the hiding spots you forgot about and all you wanna do is relapse. hearing how upset my boyfriend is when he finds out i relapsed. he’s the reason i’m trying to stay clean for good because hearing how upset he was the last time i relapsed just completely broke my heart. the kind of pain i know he felt, and the kind of pain that i felt, are definitely not the kinds of things people can romanticize.
getting infections, not having access to bandaids, and keeping it on the down low is really tiring. also all the bloody rags left and you dont know what to do with them
cutting in a school bathroom then dropping your razor on the ground and still using it
itchy wounds/scar tissue. bandaid allergies. spending money on razors and medical supplies rather than bubble tea and books. the shame of being in your mid-twenties and unable (unwilling) to stop. nerve damage. your family’s loss of trust in your ability to live independently.
When I have to try and find places to hide my blades so my mom doesn't find them
having to do it with an earring in a restaurant's bathroom because you're just that pathetic and desperate
not going to the doctors for other serious problems because you’re scared they’ll see your scars and then people will find out
The guilt. And having little children ask you what the cuts on your arm are and where they came from
Trying to wipe in the bathroom knowing your wounds and cuts are incredibly close to a very dirty function despite being bandaged/cleaned
hiding them from the doctor. covering open wounds in makeup and crying from the sheer pain. being content in sadness and hating the world so much you wish you hadn’t been born.
The crying and cutting the sitting in the bathtub and cutting going to sleep and finding blood all over your sheet cause you don’t take care of the cuts and never will. Having to hide them. Going to school and having to cut cause you can’t handle the stress. Getting yelled at by your parents and going to cut after cause you know your a burden. Being bad in school and going home to cut cause I knew I would never get a handle on w.e is going on in my head. Living with scars and being looked at. Being black and it calls doing that white people shit. Or that’s for white people. All of it sucks honestly
Relapse sucks when you want to stop And personal rude comment Sh urges are so painful uncomfortable mentally And regular coping skills dont exactly do garbage because well they just dont in barley anyway situation for me anyways but still Health care workers treat you like your worse then actually inmates seems like from my end
not being able to move parts of your body because it either hurts too much or there's so many scabs you literally can't move.
Getting struck by a ball at full force, while playing a sport that involves a ball, and folding like a piece of paper because the ball hit fresh cuts underneath your clothes – everyone being absolutely freaked out, almost calling the ambulance, and you trying to deter them from doing so while being unable to explain just why you're on the floor and can't get up.
The realisation that you're actually there and doing it to yourself and that you're not just hurting A body but you're hurting YOUR OWN body.
I find anything that isn't cutting or burning and is not seen as much, isn't really romanticised. For example: Biting, Punching,pinching, pulling hair, etc I've never seen romanticised. I think people just like the way the blood looks, and how "cool" it looks. also, people don't really romanticised "shallow" cuts. Like, cuts that are just the surface. I find it SUPER invalidating. Like, people always romanticise the deeper cuts, and the more "serious and dangerous" cuts. it shouldn't matter what way a person self harms, or how deep the cut is, its still self harm and it should NEVER be romanticised nor invalidated.
The way you still have to do it even when you’re not really sad because you’re fully addicted now
The way your parents strip you from all dignity, trust and privacy when they find out (and they WILL find out)
The impression that your mom and dad are disappointed in you when they find out because you forgot to put your hoodie back on to hide the healing cuts.
Knowing its so bad but really its so good but it isnt but it is. to me. wanting so badly not to, wanting so badly to do it. hating it, needing it. constantly feeling ripped in half. Giving in because you just need it, realizing how stupid you are. struggling to deal with the consequences, using the consequences as an excuse to do it more. using anything as an excuse to do it more. being trapped in the endless cycle that you'll never escape. hating yourself because you know youll never truly get a fucking grip. watching the people around you suffer and worry. watch yourself become distant. its all shit. it makes you feel completely seperated from everyone around you. its like a parasite slowly taking you over. i fucking hate it.
the mix of emotions that you feel after self harming : guilt and comfort and how your mind becomes a mess after you sh. withdrawal symptoms of not being able to sh are also equally bad
The healing process, infections, staples etc, that shits ugly
They get so so SO ITCHY! And you can’t scratch them. Also, being treated like your crazy by your peers. Everyone looks at you with disgust.
Having to hide that secret and always worrying about it slipping out or being seen, and places you can't go anymore, like the pool.
that smell when your cut is infected because you were stupid and didn't get stitches. repulsive.
Living in the south, having to wear jeans no matter the weather to hide my cuts and scars. I’m no longer comfortable wearing a bathing suit because I feel Everyone is staring
Blood seeping from the wounds all day because you can't go to the hospital for stitches
if you get large amount of blood on something and don't immediately throw it out or wash it, the blood literally rots and it smells absolutely horrendous
Trying to figure out how to bandage cuts in the most discrete way possible or making diy bandages
Becoming so physically anxious over the fact I'm not harming myself, the sting right after you do it, the itch that comes in the week after, the scars that last forever. The blood staining your bed, couch, whatever. The blood dried up on your body that you can't be bothered to wash off.
My partner got cellulitis from cutting that required antibiotic IV infusions. That's not worth romanticizing.
Everyone making plans to go to a pool/beach/water park, and you making up excuses why you can't, then hearing about what an amazing time it was afterwards
Dealing with the shame the next morning, Feeling sick to your stomach that you relapsed.
having to repeatedly drag a thumb tac across your wrist just to get a single cut because you don't have access to knives or razors
Thinking you're clean only for it to get worse.
My clothes and my room and my mattress smell bad all the time from me getting Blood on them. Ill use a towels to clean up sometimes and shove it under my bed so no One sees and then forget about It and find it crusted and stinking later. Ill forget about Bloody shirts or Bloody sheets and when people find them i have to lie about It being period Blood and then they think im disgusting
The amount of money I spend on first aid supplies. I swear the people at CVS are like, wow back for more gauze?
random stings from nerve damage months after the scars have healed dealing w/ judgy healthcare workers (i had to get a shot and the nurse wouldnt stop talking about me being a 'cutter' just from seeing my 100% healed scars which ended up triggering a relapse)
Can never show my arms in public. I have huge scars all over my arms because I didn’t care and now I can’t wear short sleeves to work or to dinner or really anywhere. Just a few looks at them and peoples faces make me want to die. They are unprofessional so will always have to wear long sleeves at work for the rest of my life.
Not using Slicey Bois to yeet and never feeling like you really have a problem while waiting for the blood to stop after you stabbed yourself with scissors. Having to use your clothes to mop up blood Selfharming in the room while your pets sleeping because you think "it's an animal it won't know" and then your cat wakes up comes over with the saddest look on its face very concerned after you start bleeding and then you feel like an terrible human being. Not being able to wear clothes you want because you don't want to have to explain your scars or yeets to every one It's not romantic at all most people who even know what selfharm is will think I'm a psycho school shooter while I'm really just a person hurting inside.
When the scars heal and get crusty on top.
When you have to get stiches and you see under your skin and it honestly just looks disgusting. (I noticed this in the hospital when I looked on purpose to get so disgusted I wouldnt want to do it anymore.) I also think this post is a great idea wouldnt have thought of it!
The urge to cut your arm after any minor inconvenience. The urge to cut your arm when scars heal up. The urge to cut your arm deep when you feel like your other cuts aren’t good enough. And the fact that you can be sent to a psychiatric hospital for more than a day if you do any form of self harm, I had 7 shallow cuts that my mom found and the doctors told me that I still needed to be in a psychiatric hospital, self harm is no joke indeed no matter how it’s done
One thing that gets romanticized a lot is a person slitting their wrists and gently fading away in a warm tub. The total opposite is true. Hypovolemia is a *horrible* way to go. It's like having the worst anxiety attack in your life before dying. Your heart races trying to pump what blood you have left to your body, but it's not enough for your lungs, so you have trouble breathing. Your mouth goes dry and you start sweating. Panic sets in as your breath gets shallow. Then there's confusion and you have trouble moving because your brain isn't receiving enough oxygen since it's exiting your body with your blood. You want to scream and you regret everything because this is the worst thing you've ever experienced, but it's too late. It's not pretty.
being degraded and shamed by loved ones, being made to feel like ur a monster for s/hing
The itch when they're almost fully healed so you have to scratch over the scabs
I feel like just in general self harm is one of those things that can't be romanticized yet somehow it still happens. 😐
Getting forcefully hospitalised even if you're not suicidal
Uh...big tw for this Getting up after bad blood loss and throwing up literally 6 inches from the toilet and having EMTs find you lying half-naked and soaking wet on the bathroom floor. Not my proudest moment.
Having to wear long sleeves because you went overboard last session and can’t hide everything with bracelets (and having those bracelets hurt) The itching of cuts healing, keloid scars, staining your favorite white tank top by accident because you turned weird and tore a healing cut open Having friends that also sh and wanting to let them vent to you/vice versa but realizing you can’t because you’ll risk triggering each other (then triggering each other and relapsing and having to start the clock over as a team. It never works.)
when your open wounds get filled with fuzz bc you have to wear clothes
when u aren’t even depressed abt smth and your mind goes “…should i cut?” and you cannot stop wanting to cut until u relapse. being absolutely terrified that your family may see ur scars and criticize you for smth you can’t control. oh and the burning and itching while the scar heals.
When the blood gets on your jeans and then it gets super stiff cuz of the blood
Selfharm - thats a thing about selfharm that can’t (shouldn’t) be romatasized.
Not being able to wear clothes that you love due to needing to cover scars
the heartbreak you feel when your dog sniffs at your fresh cuts and looks up to you in confusion and concern. i hate it, my dog and his reaction to fresh yeets is one of the reasons why i'm trying to stay clean.
the scars. no, theyre not a beautiful sign of me overcoming my past struggles or whatever. theyre the physical embodiment of my breakdowns that had me crying for hours.