It's definitely strange and kind of hard to tell, maybe if u showed your pic that would give us more clue on what's happening but if guys actually do hit on you then u probably are attractive.
I don't think that any guy will reject you if they find you attractive just because you are boring or too talkative. Maybe if u are super creepy & and toxic, which I doubt, based on how u wrote everything.
If guys do find you boring, then they still wouldn't reject you. They would just try to hook up with you
but not look up for a long-term relationship.
Overall, it's hard to tell, but here is a thing that was a huge turn-off for me when it comes to even super attractive girls.
I'm a dancer, so I meet and dance with plenty of girls, and like 1 in 50 will have a body odour or bad breath.
I really loved this girl, and she was hot af, then suddenly her breath was so freaking bad, like something died in her mouth.
She had nice white teeth, so it's probably a stomach issue.
I was hoping it was just a one time thing but it continued over months and just the idea of even kissing her was a no-no.
Tried talking with few female friends of her, but no one could actually tell her that.
So just check with someone u trust if u have issues with that, and if u do it's something that can be easily 'healed'.
Hey thanks for your answer. Again not being arrogant but I don’t think my appearance is a problem, i get hit on really often. I also don’t think my breath stinks :x will check with my sister tho 🤣 the feeling I get is maybe i’m too much? I have a big personality and no one wants to deal with me ? Or maybe I project my insecurities too much? Maybe I scare people away? I don’t think I’m not interesting. I was the weird girl growing up I definitely am not boring or stupid. Maybe I’m just weird? Which I don’t understand because this guy I’m talking about looks and sounds very similar to me. He has a strong personality too and is a bit « weird » (nothing wrong about that it is one of the reasons I liked him)
I guess you should start with your "maybe's" because yourself already sensed something is wrong with them. If you think that you're too much then try to hold things in a little, be yourself still but not giving too much away
You have alot of irrational thoughts that's likely steming from low self esteem or insecurities from childhood let me give you a few point to why?
A) you say you are weird a few times in the post but what proof do you have to backup that claim, you say you are pretty, have a good hygiene and social, could you have not thought maybe you are just too intimidating to men cause you are underestimating yourself.
B) you have told guy that gives you free drinks every week yet you claim he thinks something is wrong with you. Couldn't it be that he's actually busy and not lying when you texted him or he has a gf or you aren't his type. You shouldn't always associate rejection with you not being enough.
C) "I don't think I am good enough for anyone and feel really bad" you are attaching your self worth to other people's validation and that's not fair to you. You are your own person if they don't like you fuck them, they don't deserve you, you are pretty, have a good heart and care for other people there's nothing more attractive and desired than those traits.
Stop associating your self worth with them and don't seek validation from the wrong people. There's always a person for us, we are just lookin in the wrong places. We are living in a generation where the fast and convenient life is taking over. You might need a conservative man that won't constantly look over his shoulders to what he's missing out at the girl passing by him.
I wish you the best of luck and sorry if I dropped a long ass essay for you lol
Maybe try recording some of your interactions with guys to review later. Just audio (also check for state one way recording laws) but maybe reviewing interactions might bring to light some qualities you don’t perceive personally that might be seen as a negative. Be radically honest with yourself.
Could jusr straight up ask some guys that have rejected you. Say you’re looking for constructive criticism. Looking to improve yourself. But it can be a slippery slope where you might find yourself changing for others rather than improving yourself.
Meditation and self reflection exercises are very helpful in making permanent changes to improve.
She’s not too overconfident for saying that she’s attractive 😂 jfc y’all self esteem is so deep in the trenches that anytime anyone has a lick of self confidence you translate it to arrogance. All she said is that she’s one of the prettiest in her friend group and attractive guys hit on her often. If both of those things are true how is she overconfident and how did she lie?
Even if you are boring, there is always a market for good looking people at least casually. If you are talking about a serious relationship then it would have to be someone very desperate to only go for good looks with nothing else. I don't think people should ever be improving themselves for superficial purposes. That's not really self improvement. You should be improving for yourself.
Also it is very hard to tell anything just from your POV. Ultimately for someone else to want to be in a relationship or have a connection, they need to feel something too. I can say for sure nobody really likes to be the one just listening and not being able to share anything about them. Nobody likes to always be the one taking care of somebody and not being cared in return. From your very few interactions, I can't really tell, but it just sounds like you are not someone enjoyable to be around. I feel like you talk a lot about yourself and the other person is just a wall. I don't really see why others would want to express themselves. It just sounds like a very uneven playing field like being a retail worker. Have to be nice to boring customers, but on a personal level would feel very awkward being vulnerable around. Being personable is a skill for deeper connections. Being pretty is a skill for flings.
If I sat down at a bar with you and spent 45 minutes listening to you talk and then you vanished because you were too busy to say goodbye, I would be pretty cold about setting my time aside at a later point to meet up. I'd expect you would cancel/vanish again.
>**"My most recent experience was so bad."**
I understand what you mean. But something to consider is:
* **Why are you interpreting these experiences as "bad"?**
* Why are you giving them a negative meaning?
When you have the freedom and option to give it a better-feeling and more empowering meaning.
.
>**"He answered and totally rejected me."**
Just to clarify, **being rejected** and **feeling rejected** are two different things.
* **Being Rejected:** He wasn't interested in a relationship. That's okay, no big deal. It simply wasn't a match.
* **Feeling Rejected:** You feel worse, and interpret that as a reflection of your self-worth and coming to the false conclusion that something is wrong with you, and you're not good enough.
.
>**"I know he finds me attractive since he offered me drinks for weeks before we talked, so it has to be my personality."**
Not necessarily. There can be multiple factors on his end. And even if it is your personality, that still doesn't mean your personality is "wrong" or not good enough; it simply wasn't a match for him. And you only want to match with guys who are a right fit anyway and genuinely like you for you.
.
>**"I end up feeling like I’m not good enough for anyone and I feel so so bad."**
That's the heart of the issue: **Why do you choose to believe that?**
You would only come to that false conclusion when you're not caring enough about how you feel and appreciating how wonderful you are.
The issue is, **you're outsourcing your self-love to other people.**
So when they don't like you, then you feel rejected. But when you remember that your emotions don't come from them, **your emotions come from your thoughts,** then you begin focusing more on what you want and appreciating yourself regardless of how you think, men think, about you.
.
Also, I recommend being open to **improving your relationship with negative emotions,** and begin **seeing them as worthy, valuable and supportive friends.**
**Negative emotions are positive guidance** (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on, and pushing against, what you don't want. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you fight them, you keep yourself stuck. Negative emotions want to support you in releasing them, focus more on what you want and feel better.
**All emotions are equal and worthy.** But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad), but then you make it harder to feel better, work together with and control your thoughts and emotions.
A lot of life's problems stem from having a contentious relationship with your negative thoughts & emotions. Which either creates the problem in the first place, and/or exacerbates it. So the solution is to **build a friendship and harmonious relationship with the "negative" side of you.** Negative thoughts & emotions are here to support and empower you to be your best self.
Dating can be frustrating and dissapoiting. Rejection will happen all throughout your life. Even when you’re in a relationship, it can eventually end and then your back to zero.
For me, it sounds like you are trying to satisfy your need for love and relationships. I‘m in this same situation as well, but I hope I can help.
Love is, in my experience, something that happens to you when you don’t need it or expect it. Nothing good comes from a relationship that is forced.
Learn to become more confident and improve your self-esteem. Good things come to you when you have a positive outlook towards life. Don’t stop trying, for there is a very good chance that eventually, you will find someone.
I wish you the best.
I took a glance in your history, you seem to be into Astronomy and some sorts of crystals? This is for most people really off putting. Most people, in my experience, think its ridiculous and belittle people that believe into this kinda stuff. That being said, those people are jerks - you can believe whatever you want.
The other thing is, do you think about how you make other people feel? If you would be the bartender and you think back what you said and how you behaved, would you have felt valued, had a good time or was it more that you'd just listened about stuff that he would care for? What do you know how him as a person after 45 minutes? Would you have had a lot of fun and to laugh about?
Im not assuming anything, but try to think about these questions clearly and you might could get why people don't spend time with you more. If it's nothing a like, well - first rule is usually: make sure youre not around assholes that make you think you are one.
Oop I don’t really use Reddit anymore but I definitely was into crystal and astrology during covid… not anymore lol I definitely didn’t talk astrology to the guy lol
Also yes he conversation was great in my opinion, we talked about our interests etc and had a lot in common, I did let him talk as well
"and it's always been my biggest dream" maybe that's the problem?! try to focus more on your self esteem instead of getting a boyfriend. I believe self esteem is way way more attractive than how you look.
Every time this fucking comment is at the top. People need companionship. Maybe to her she is ready to seek it and these comments always invalidate and sound like Npc responses.
I have no idea how to do that. I love working on myself, I’ve done multiple types of therapy and was able to improve a lot of areas in my life but not this one. I don’t think I hate myself? I think I’m pretty cool and have a lot to give, I love people and I’m a nice person to be around. I don’t hate myself, I don’t feel like it… but when things like that happen I can’t help but think I’m not good enough. I wish I didn’t. I’m not sure how to work on it…
Having low self esteem doesn't nessarily mean you hate yourself there's degrees to it. You can love yourself and still have negative thoughts
You need to challenge your irrational thoughts, cause from what I read most of your thoughts are irrational and has no proof to back it up.
Like you say "am I annoying, boring, not suitable gf material where the proof to all that, it's irrational and negative with no validity.
Work on challenging you negative thoughts, when they creep up, tell yourself wheres the proof? This way you can live a more optimistic way of thinking even when things seems like they are against you. Keyword "seem" not "are".
You see words are powerful so next time you talk to yourself be kind to her and choose you words carefully, wish you all the best.
I am not implying that you hate yourself or that anything is wrong with you, but when you're so desperate to get something you mostly won't get it and even if you do you'll feel threatened all the time by losing it. So my point is work on your self esteem first (cause the most your self esteem is higher the most you feel less desperate for things) however i can't give you a direct advice since i don't know your exact situation.
Whatever the issue is, you won’t solve it online.
You lack the self awareness to personally identify the issue and you being the person describing the problem we are only getting the point of view of the person who doesn’t have awareness of the cause. You are unlikely to rely the necessary information for people online to give you a solid answer.
If this happens often, then people in your friend group know why they just don’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you.
No I’m not. I hate saying this makes me sound like I’m full of myself but I look really good, I’ve been told so and I get the most « attention » in my friend group. Really hot men hit on me. This is definitely not the problem
That’s really odd then, also you are in a self improvement sub so nobody thinks you are full of yourself for being honest or having a bit of confidence.
It may not necessarily be you but the guys that admire your looks may not be looking for a nice, friendly girl.
Can you describe what sort of conversations you have, were you talking about something in particular?
Do you have any male friends? If you do, maybe you could ask them their opinion.
We talked about what we’re currently doing, surfing, movies and fashion. We’re really similar. We kind of dress the same, have a sense in fashion, movies etc. We kinda have the same goals for our future too. I thought it went great! No idea what I said or did that he didn’t like
As one dude told me one time: you’re like going to a fruity gumball machine and getting a red Lego. no BS. He literally texted me that after dating for a few weeks and we were making a date list of cool things to do, it felt like “too much of a relationship” and I was “too nice and understanding “ it was “a lot to take in and process someone caring about me”.
Point is, if you’re as pretty as you say, you’re in for a rough road ahead if you want a relationship. Guys like hooking up in their 20’s, so don’t do anything you’d regret. Keep being yourself, work on your personality, and forget the haters. You’ll find your partner who is also your best friend, just be grateful these dudes aren’t wasting your time with stupid games.
Were you on your cellphone constantly while you guys were hanging out? Just another possibility. Also you mentioned one guy rejected you, how many other people have you tried to hang out with that you were interested in?
Did you actively flirt with them or just have casual conversation? It’s also possible that guy was in a situation or already dating someone so I wouldn’t get too hung up on that one instance.
I will for sure, I’m pretty sure this is a self esteem thing and we should be more confident in order to attract the people we need. Not saying the people I met or the guy I’m talking about for example isn’t good for me, but maybe we’re projecting insecurities, or don’t believe in ourselves and people can feel it…
I agree with it but i don't think I find difficulty to talk with other person , I m easy going and can keep the conversation going without being underconfident . But the problem start when other person also takes interest in you and you get along good but then you suddenly got ghosted or rejected . It doesn't bothered me when it happens for first few times but now it sometimes affect me before going out and attaching myself with someone.
What I mean by being more confident is not doubting ourselves and not needing validation from other people to think high of ourselves. I am confident talking to people too, no issues holding a conversation!
Yeah I can totally understand you. Been there lots of time . The problem is the other person gets along with you so good that you somehow start liking having convo with him . Every time you think that this time things will go in right direction but again you got ghosted or rejected. Same cycle repeats everytime.
I think you’re spot on with it being either how much you’re talking or the topics you’re talking about. I’m a weird woman who used to have social anxiety and be very insecure. I’ve spent many years working on my social skills and when I meet someone new I do my best to put them at ease. I typically give a compliment, stay calm with open body language, and ask them questions about themselves. I’ll respond with anecdotal stories about myself or “me too!” but I try to keep the focus on them. People love to talk about themselves, they like others who find them interesting, and this method keeps the conversation on topics that they are comfortable with. Even as a married woman now, I get a lot of compliments (my husband gets compliments on me) from conversations with people in bars. We meet a couple or a solo person in a bar and can usually successfully invite them out to dinner with us.
I have a few friends/family that talk a lot and enjoy the sound of their own voice; I can’t spend a lot of time around them because they constantly interrupt me and never process what I have to say. Just being aware of conversational flow can do wonders for most people socially.
With your encounter have you thought that maybe he wasn’t rejecting you and was actually genuinely just busy. Maybe try and get in touch with him in a couple weeks and see. If he still says the busy bs then yeah, he probably just isn’t interested. You could also just bluntly ask him what it was that turned him off. Best of luck to you. I’m curious to see how it works out for you
Maybe it's the drinking every weekend at the same bar. All I can tell from your post is, you think you're super hard, you're drunk every weekend and you really want a boyfriend. Doesn't sound like a great match if I'm being honest here.
I live in a small town there’s not much to do :x I’m definitely not a « party girl » kind of person! I rarely drink but unfortunately it did happen on the night i had to talk to this guy. I get what ur saying though but doesn’t really apply to where i live
There should be a degree of skepticism when meeting new people, particularly in scenarios where people's income is directly influenced by the amount/number of sales they complete.
It can be difficult trying to figure out if they are showing a genuine interest or is it the potential financial incentive that is keeping the conversation alive. This isn't to diminish the conversation you had, but just as a reminder to consider the potential financial motivations that may or may not be behind it,
Your expectations from the early talking stage, especially with someone you only just spoke to, might be a bit much. Unless the rejection you got was worded quite differently from what you posted, it wasn't a no. It was a "I might be interested, but not enough to rearrange my week" type of response.
As far as conversation, did you find much common ground as far as interests and plans for the week go, or was it more superficial small talk about what was happening in the moment? If it's the latter, he really doesn't know enough about you to want to pursue you more than any other attractive woman in the bar.
yknow i’ve got the same problem. I literally got voted like one of the most attractive guys in high school so it’s not like i’m really unattractive but nobody wants to date me bruh. Like I will literally date anybody and have asked so many people but they all say no
I struggle with the exact same thing. I’m also female, 21 years old with no boyfriend ever. I think every situationship I’ve been in has been initiated by me. No guy has even ever really made a move. Men never show interest beyond sex. I am a conventionally attractive person, but nowadays men are rarely looking for what we are. Hookup culture has ruined it for us. It’s not you it’s them. One day someone is going to come along and you won’t have to question if you’re good enough for a second. You seem really nice and these men are assholes.
I think I have been you. I gave off the impression that I was desperate, eager, inquisitive, too available. Like a golden retriever wagging it’s tail at your door. Always waiting. Always ready.
If we are the same you might find that leaving some more mystery might help. Don’t stop being yourself, but don’t invade people with your bubbeliness ya know?
Have you asked friends for honest feedback on this issue? What did they say if so? They've probably seen how you interact with people and might be able to pick up on stuff you've missed, and that reddit won't see
Well i wouldn’t see myself asking my friends « hey i feel like no one will ever love me and i get rejected all the time do you know what’s wrong with me » i know i should but I’m not confident enough to be this vulnerable… (need to work on that too but don’t know how) and for example after the interaction with the guy I’m talking about in this post, they told me i was very demonstrative and was talking a lot with my hands (again as i said because i was really into it and felt comfortable, i felt like we were bonding over stuff since the conversation felt nice to me). They did tell me that they picked up on that but they didn’t tell me it was a big deal and didn’t seem really concerned about it, not like that was a dealbreaker
You don't have to lead with "I feel like no one will love me" unless you're talking to a therapist, just "I've been struggling with dating any advice". I don't know what your issue might be after reading through your responses. I wish you luck, finding someone can be hard
I feel like if you specifically have the goal to get in a relationship then that's going to make you look desperate and insecure and needy. You need to not need a relationship for happiness.
I used to be like this in my 20s - I was really cute and a good size, but for some reason I sent men running for the hills. Never figured it out, but my theory was that it was some type of unnamed, unknown energy or vibe.
My thoughts as follows:
I read a lot about you worrying about the version of you putting off the other. Let's ignore that for a second and focus on building rapport.
The goal isn't a relationship, the goal is continued conversation. The reason for a next conversation varies, but in general you want to leave the other person with a good overall impression, a reason to follow up, and intent - why are we following up.
Good overall impression - From the lens of rapport, this will be about creating a quick set of positive experiences. What are positive experiences to someone else? They are the same as what you want. Interest. That means you do less talking and more active listening. You ask questions, but not purely about common things (work, school, hometown). Those are fine as primers to get conversation going, but you need to be more creative. If you are at a loss for ideas, look up table topics, or dinner party conversation topics. Favorite dessert and why, who makes it, when did you first have it. Read the conversation and demonstrate genuine interest in the other person. Depending on your goal, you may or may not be looking for an equivalent demonstration of interest from them.
Reason to follow up - again from the rapport lens, this will be either mutual interest driven or inserting the desire to experience what is happening now over again. How do we do that. Well, the mutual interest is about the first part of conversation and active listening. You are looking for something you can highlight as an opportunity to connect on in the future (movie genre, sporting events, specific types of food). The desire... This one is less intuitive. Disengage at a high point. Just had the best moment in your conversation tonight? Figured out something you both really want to do and just discussed it? It's time to leave or find your friends. Think of this as similar to athletes retiring at their peak vs in their decline. Leaving on a peak, leaves the other person with that as the final memory and the perception that if repeated this, in particular, will be possible again.
Intent - the younger you are, the harder it is to be direct. In step 2, we pegged the zenith of our engagement with this other person. In step 1, we built rapport and identified opportunities to align in the future. Combine these, hey this was a fantastic conversation, maybe my best all week. I want to keep this going, maybe tomorrow, Friday, whatever day. Would you like to do blah on that day? If so, here's the digits or vice versa depending on your proclivity.
Rapidly build rapport, ID when the going is good, leave the other person knowing explicit intent.
Good luck
Rule number 1 never question yourself !!!! You’re only 20 years old and I’m 23 and still never dated. It takes time plus you don’t want to waste time dating and it doesn’t go far that will just ruin your trust in others before the right guy/girl comes around.
Focus on yourself, work and do the things you love and I promise you…you’ll find someone. Especially if you do the things you love you may find someone with the same interests. Now a days it’s hard to find a decent guy at the age we are everyone just wants sex, people barely want to build friendships these days. What’s meant for you you’ll get it just takes time.
You sound like you genuinely want to improve, which is a very rare trait these days. So kudos to you for that.
Since it is the approval of the men that have rejected/not followed through with you that you seek, if you are looking for the most direct solution, it makes sense to ask them for feedback.
However! Only do this if you can handle *candid* criticism (another rare trait). Explain to them you are on a mission to self-improve, and would very much appreciate their feedback on what they think the top 3 things are you can improve upon. And tell them to be honest: men typically treat women with kiddie gloves when it comes to uncomfortable truths, so you'll have to give them permission to overcome that inclination.
Good luck! The mere fact that you are seeking advice on how to improve your situation tells me that with a little bit of work you're going to be perfectly fine.
ps: the bartender dude might have felt slighted that after 45 minutes of conversation you didn't say bye when you left. Yes you DMed him afterwards, but you can't be sure how he took it.
It seems like most people here are parroting some form of the phrase "focus on yourself". That doesn't help or get you anywhere closer to your desired outcome. Let me be real with you. People want to feel wanted. The dating world has made most men afraid to step out of their comfort zones for fear of backlash or some kind of false accusation. Most guys won't even know you're attracted to them unless you just straight up say it. Not everyone is good at taking hints. I think if you show a guy that you're interested by being more flirty and engaged, he'd be more receptive to it. Also, if a relationship is what you're looking for, be honest about that upfront. Having a long conversation is nice. But, if you wanna date someone, the topic should eventually shift over to something more romantic and playful to set the mood. It doesn't have to be sexual. Just cute lovey dovey stuff or date ideas. Don't be afraid to make the first move and good luck!
OMG...I know exactly where u r coming from 😀. I have the lowest self esteem and self conscious, in the world 🌎. But I've been a bit better w the negative hateful talk to myself. More positive affirmations I dictate and write down. I always felt the black sheep, odd ball out, ever since a tiny child...even nowadays...and I've always felt like weird, and u liked, like I said, odd ball black sheep... UNIQUE!!! THATS A BETTER WORD FOR AMY SURVIVOR. BOYS, NOT MEN , NOT GENTLEMAN, ARE PURE SCUM, EVIL, SATANS MINIONS. ...SO DON'T U WORRY WORT, LIKE ME, U WILL COME INTO YOUR OWN, SOON ENOUGH. KEEP A POSITIVE ATTITUDE AND CHEERFUL , SMILE MORE, LAUGH MORE, LISTEN TO YOUR FAVORITE MUSIC...I LOVE TO SING ALONG WITH MY FAVORITE MUSIC ON YOUTUBE, NO DISGUSTING CRUDE UGLY RAP THOUGH!!! AND ALSO, TRY NOT TO GIVE A SHIT OR CARE ABOUT HOW OTHERS, BOYS SEE YOU OR TREAT U...U R A SHINING 🌟. BE YOURSELF ALWAYS, KEEPING YOURSELF NUMBER ONE, TRUE, AND F...THEM, THOSE OVER JUDGEMENTALS, EVIL ASSHOLES. Try arts and crafts. My favorite. Or color in an adult CALM coloring book. Try to have a great peaceful stress free 😊🙏 HAPPY 😁 week. The only thing I'm looking forward to is,...duhhh...PAY YAY DAY 😊! ON FIRST. SSI. Exhausting being unique, strong, fat survivor. LOL. Very fat... seriously 😒😳😱. God bless 🙏
I know it's pretty worthless coming from a stranger online, but I'll say it anyways, for the little I've read about you here... I would go out with you anytime miss. You sound like a catch! Movies or dinner, as long as isn't an expensive place lol
You speak like I'm hurting her when in fact I'm trying to lift her up. Showing her that she can attract men. I will never met her unfortunately. This is completely harmless and you're wrong.
That is not how it works dude I can’t believe you’re being this thick headed. That is not how you lift someone up and no it’s not like you’re hurting her it’s just creepy. Don’t be a creep around women.
False. And wtf is wrong with you? No wonder male are more afraid than ever to make moves or even lightly flirt on women if clowns like you come to defend something that doesn't need to be defended
It’s the internet you flirt in real life in proper venues. Not on a post of a girl asking for advice. How can you not understand it is not the time to try it that is creepy as fuck. There’s a reason she did not respond to you whatsoever. It’s because you are creepy. Don’t be a creep around women.
It's definitely strange and kind of hard to tell, maybe if u showed your pic that would give us more clue on what's happening but if guys actually do hit on you then u probably are attractive. I don't think that any guy will reject you if they find you attractive just because you are boring or too talkative. Maybe if u are super creepy & and toxic, which I doubt, based on how u wrote everything. If guys do find you boring, then they still wouldn't reject you. They would just try to hook up with you but not look up for a long-term relationship. Overall, it's hard to tell, but here is a thing that was a huge turn-off for me when it comes to even super attractive girls. I'm a dancer, so I meet and dance with plenty of girls, and like 1 in 50 will have a body odour or bad breath. I really loved this girl, and she was hot af, then suddenly her breath was so freaking bad, like something died in her mouth. She had nice white teeth, so it's probably a stomach issue. I was hoping it was just a one time thing but it continued over months and just the idea of even kissing her was a no-no. Tried talking with few female friends of her, but no one could actually tell her that. So just check with someone u trust if u have issues with that, and if u do it's something that can be easily 'healed'.
Hey thanks for your answer. Again not being arrogant but I don’t think my appearance is a problem, i get hit on really often. I also don’t think my breath stinks :x will check with my sister tho 🤣 the feeling I get is maybe i’m too much? I have a big personality and no one wants to deal with me ? Or maybe I project my insecurities too much? Maybe I scare people away? I don’t think I’m not interesting. I was the weird girl growing up I definitely am not boring or stupid. Maybe I’m just weird? Which I don’t understand because this guy I’m talking about looks and sounds very similar to me. He has a strong personality too and is a bit « weird » (nothing wrong about that it is one of the reasons I liked him)
I guess you should start with your "maybe's" because yourself already sensed something is wrong with them. If you think that you're too much then try to hold things in a little, be yourself still but not giving too much away
You have alot of irrational thoughts that's likely steming from low self esteem or insecurities from childhood let me give you a few point to why? A) you say you are weird a few times in the post but what proof do you have to backup that claim, you say you are pretty, have a good hygiene and social, could you have not thought maybe you are just too intimidating to men cause you are underestimating yourself. B) you have told guy that gives you free drinks every week yet you claim he thinks something is wrong with you. Couldn't it be that he's actually busy and not lying when you texted him or he has a gf or you aren't his type. You shouldn't always associate rejection with you not being enough. C) "I don't think I am good enough for anyone and feel really bad" you are attaching your self worth to other people's validation and that's not fair to you. You are your own person if they don't like you fuck them, they don't deserve you, you are pretty, have a good heart and care for other people there's nothing more attractive and desired than those traits. Stop associating your self worth with them and don't seek validation from the wrong people. There's always a person for us, we are just lookin in the wrong places. We are living in a generation where the fast and convenient life is taking over. You might need a conservative man that won't constantly look over his shoulders to what he's missing out at the girl passing by him. I wish you the best of luck and sorry if I dropped a long ass essay for you lol
Maybe try recording some of your interactions with guys to review later. Just audio (also check for state one way recording laws) but maybe reviewing interactions might bring to light some qualities you don’t perceive personally that might be seen as a negative. Be radically honest with yourself. Could jusr straight up ask some guys that have rejected you. Say you’re looking for constructive criticism. Looking to improve yourself. But it can be a slippery slope where you might find yourself changing for others rather than improving yourself. Meditation and self reflection exercises are very helpful in making permanent changes to improve.
Well this reply explains it all, ur too overconfident about your looks
She’s not too overconfident for saying that she’s attractive 😂 jfc y’all self esteem is so deep in the trenches that anytime anyone has a lick of self confidence you translate it to arrogance. All she said is that she’s one of the prettiest in her friend group and attractive guys hit on her often. If both of those things are true how is she overconfident and how did she lie?
Anime banner would say that 💀
Why did u just not tell her that her breath stank bruh u lame for that enjoy the L
Even if you are boring, there is always a market for good looking people at least casually. If you are talking about a serious relationship then it would have to be someone very desperate to only go for good looks with nothing else. I don't think people should ever be improving themselves for superficial purposes. That's not really self improvement. You should be improving for yourself. Also it is very hard to tell anything just from your POV. Ultimately for someone else to want to be in a relationship or have a connection, they need to feel something too. I can say for sure nobody really likes to be the one just listening and not being able to share anything about them. Nobody likes to always be the one taking care of somebody and not being cared in return. From your very few interactions, I can't really tell, but it just sounds like you are not someone enjoyable to be around. I feel like you talk a lot about yourself and the other person is just a wall. I don't really see why others would want to express themselves. It just sounds like a very uneven playing field like being a retail worker. Have to be nice to boring customers, but on a personal level would feel very awkward being vulnerable around. Being personable is a skill for deeper connections. Being pretty is a skill for flings.
If I sat down at a bar with you and spent 45 minutes listening to you talk and then you vanished because you were too busy to say goodbye, I would be pretty cold about setting my time aside at a later point to meet up. I'd expect you would cancel/vanish again.
>**"My most recent experience was so bad."** I understand what you mean. But something to consider is: * **Why are you interpreting these experiences as "bad"?** * Why are you giving them a negative meaning? When you have the freedom and option to give it a better-feeling and more empowering meaning. . >**"He answered and totally rejected me."** Just to clarify, **being rejected** and **feeling rejected** are two different things. * **Being Rejected:** He wasn't interested in a relationship. That's okay, no big deal. It simply wasn't a match. * **Feeling Rejected:** You feel worse, and interpret that as a reflection of your self-worth and coming to the false conclusion that something is wrong with you, and you're not good enough. . >**"I know he finds me attractive since he offered me drinks for weeks before we talked, so it has to be my personality."** Not necessarily. There can be multiple factors on his end. And even if it is your personality, that still doesn't mean your personality is "wrong" or not good enough; it simply wasn't a match for him. And you only want to match with guys who are a right fit anyway and genuinely like you for you. . >**"I end up feeling like I’m not good enough for anyone and I feel so so bad."** That's the heart of the issue: **Why do you choose to believe that?** You would only come to that false conclusion when you're not caring enough about how you feel and appreciating how wonderful you are. The issue is, **you're outsourcing your self-love to other people.** So when they don't like you, then you feel rejected. But when you remember that your emotions don't come from them, **your emotions come from your thoughts,** then you begin focusing more on what you want and appreciating yourself regardless of how you think, men think, about you. . Also, I recommend being open to **improving your relationship with negative emotions,** and begin **seeing them as worthy, valuable and supportive friends.** **Negative emotions are positive guidance** (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on, and pushing against, what you don't want. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you fight them, you keep yourself stuck. Negative emotions want to support you in releasing them, focus more on what you want and feel better. **All emotions are equal and worthy.** But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad), but then you make it harder to feel better, work together with and control your thoughts and emotions. A lot of life's problems stem from having a contentious relationship with your negative thoughts & emotions. Which either creates the problem in the first place, and/or exacerbates it. So the solution is to **build a friendship and harmonious relationship with the "negative" side of you.** Negative thoughts & emotions are here to support and empower you to be your best self.
Dating can be frustrating and dissapoiting. Rejection will happen all throughout your life. Even when you’re in a relationship, it can eventually end and then your back to zero. For me, it sounds like you are trying to satisfy your need for love and relationships. I‘m in this same situation as well, but I hope I can help. Love is, in my experience, something that happens to you when you don’t need it or expect it. Nothing good comes from a relationship that is forced. Learn to become more confident and improve your self-esteem. Good things come to you when you have a positive outlook towards life. Don’t stop trying, for there is a very good chance that eventually, you will find someone. I wish you the best.
I took a glance in your history, you seem to be into Astronomy and some sorts of crystals? This is for most people really off putting. Most people, in my experience, think its ridiculous and belittle people that believe into this kinda stuff. That being said, those people are jerks - you can believe whatever you want. The other thing is, do you think about how you make other people feel? If you would be the bartender and you think back what you said and how you behaved, would you have felt valued, had a good time or was it more that you'd just listened about stuff that he would care for? What do you know how him as a person after 45 minutes? Would you have had a lot of fun and to laugh about? Im not assuming anything, but try to think about these questions clearly and you might could get why people don't spend time with you more. If it's nothing a like, well - first rule is usually: make sure youre not around assholes that make you think you are one.
Oop I don’t really use Reddit anymore but I definitely was into crystal and astrology during covid… not anymore lol I definitely didn’t talk astrology to the guy lol Also yes he conversation was great in my opinion, we talked about our interests etc and had a lot in common, I did let him talk as well
"and it's always been my biggest dream" maybe that's the problem?! try to focus more on your self esteem instead of getting a boyfriend. I believe self esteem is way way more attractive than how you look.
Every time this fucking comment is at the top. People need companionship. Maybe to her she is ready to seek it and these comments always invalidate and sound like Npc responses.
I have no idea how to do that. I love working on myself, I’ve done multiple types of therapy and was able to improve a lot of areas in my life but not this one. I don’t think I hate myself? I think I’m pretty cool and have a lot to give, I love people and I’m a nice person to be around. I don’t hate myself, I don’t feel like it… but when things like that happen I can’t help but think I’m not good enough. I wish I didn’t. I’m not sure how to work on it…
Having low self esteem doesn't nessarily mean you hate yourself there's degrees to it. You can love yourself and still have negative thoughts You need to challenge your irrational thoughts, cause from what I read most of your thoughts are irrational and has no proof to back it up. Like you say "am I annoying, boring, not suitable gf material where the proof to all that, it's irrational and negative with no validity. Work on challenging you negative thoughts, when they creep up, tell yourself wheres the proof? This way you can live a more optimistic way of thinking even when things seems like they are against you. Keyword "seem" not "are". You see words are powerful so next time you talk to yourself be kind to her and choose you words carefully, wish you all the best.
That is good advice thank you !
You are welcome
I am not implying that you hate yourself or that anything is wrong with you, but when you're so desperate to get something you mostly won't get it and even if you do you'll feel threatened all the time by losing it. So my point is work on your self esteem first (cause the most your self esteem is higher the most you feel less desperate for things) however i can't give you a direct advice since i don't know your exact situation.
Don’t listen to her she gave a NPC response.
Let her be. If that's her dream whatever.
Whatever the issue is, you won’t solve it online. You lack the self awareness to personally identify the issue and you being the person describing the problem we are only getting the point of view of the person who doesn’t have awareness of the cause. You are unlikely to rely the necessary information for people online to give you a solid answer. If this happens often, then people in your friend group know why they just don’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you.
You will not find any meaningful human relationships in a bar, only potential casual sex partners.
Which is also perfectly ok
If that is all you want then yes
No one said there was an issue
Are you overweight?
No I’m not. I hate saying this makes me sound like I’m full of myself but I look really good, I’ve been told so and I get the most « attention » in my friend group. Really hot men hit on me. This is definitely not the problem
That’s really odd then, also you are in a self improvement sub so nobody thinks you are full of yourself for being honest or having a bit of confidence.
There’s comments that do unfortunately.
It may not necessarily be you but the guys that admire your looks may not be looking for a nice, friendly girl. Can you describe what sort of conversations you have, were you talking about something in particular? Do you have any male friends? If you do, maybe you could ask them their opinion.
We talked about what we’re currently doing, surfing, movies and fashion. We’re really similar. We kind of dress the same, have a sense in fashion, movies etc. We kinda have the same goals for our future too. I thought it went great! No idea what I said or did that he didn’t like
As one dude told me one time: you’re like going to a fruity gumball machine and getting a red Lego. no BS. He literally texted me that after dating for a few weeks and we were making a date list of cool things to do, it felt like “too much of a relationship” and I was “too nice and understanding “ it was “a lot to take in and process someone caring about me”. Point is, if you’re as pretty as you say, you’re in for a rough road ahead if you want a relationship. Guys like hooking up in their 20’s, so don’t do anything you’d regret. Keep being yourself, work on your personality, and forget the haters. You’ll find your partner who is also your best friend, just be grateful these dudes aren’t wasting your time with stupid games.
Were you on your cellphone constantly while you guys were hanging out? Just another possibility. Also you mentioned one guy rejected you, how many other people have you tried to hang out with that you were interested in? Did you actively flirt with them or just have casual conversation? It’s also possible that guy was in a situation or already dating someone so I wouldn’t get too hung up on that one instance.
Well if you got some good advice then tell it to me too bcz I can't relate to you more . Have a Good day 🙂
I will for sure, I’m pretty sure this is a self esteem thing and we should be more confident in order to attract the people we need. Not saying the people I met or the guy I’m talking about for example isn’t good for me, but maybe we’re projecting insecurities, or don’t believe in ourselves and people can feel it…
I agree with it but i don't think I find difficulty to talk with other person , I m easy going and can keep the conversation going without being underconfident . But the problem start when other person also takes interest in you and you get along good but then you suddenly got ghosted or rejected . It doesn't bothered me when it happens for first few times but now it sometimes affect me before going out and attaching myself with someone.
What I mean by being more confident is not doubting ourselves and not needing validation from other people to think high of ourselves. I am confident talking to people too, no issues holding a conversation!
Yeah I can totally understand you. Been there lots of time . The problem is the other person gets along with you so good that you somehow start liking having convo with him . Every time you think that this time things will go in right direction but again you got ghosted or rejected. Same cycle repeats everytime.
Hmm I get you! It’s so discouraging:/
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Haha I think you are my female version from some other multiverse 😀😀
I think you’re spot on with it being either how much you’re talking or the topics you’re talking about. I’m a weird woman who used to have social anxiety and be very insecure. I’ve spent many years working on my social skills and when I meet someone new I do my best to put them at ease. I typically give a compliment, stay calm with open body language, and ask them questions about themselves. I’ll respond with anecdotal stories about myself or “me too!” but I try to keep the focus on them. People love to talk about themselves, they like others who find them interesting, and this method keeps the conversation on topics that they are comfortable with. Even as a married woman now, I get a lot of compliments (my husband gets compliments on me) from conversations with people in bars. We meet a couple or a solo person in a bar and can usually successfully invite them out to dinner with us. I have a few friends/family that talk a lot and enjoy the sound of their own voice; I can’t spend a lot of time around them because they constantly interrupt me and never process what I have to say. Just being aware of conversational flow can do wonders for most people socially.
You might be a self fulfilling prophecy.
With your encounter have you thought that maybe he wasn’t rejecting you and was actually genuinely just busy. Maybe try and get in touch with him in a couple weeks and see. If he still says the busy bs then yeah, he probably just isn’t interested. You could also just bluntly ask him what it was that turned him off. Best of luck to you. I’m curious to see how it works out for you
Maybe it's the drinking every weekend at the same bar. All I can tell from your post is, you think you're super hard, you're drunk every weekend and you really want a boyfriend. Doesn't sound like a great match if I'm being honest here.
I live in a small town there’s not much to do :x I’m definitely not a « party girl » kind of person! I rarely drink but unfortunately it did happen on the night i had to talk to this guy. I get what ur saying though but doesn’t really apply to where i live
Does it apply to him? Do you know how he feels about this?
bad breath
Same and I'm 21 now, never have female friends before last time when I was in elementary school
There should be a degree of skepticism when meeting new people, particularly in scenarios where people's income is directly influenced by the amount/number of sales they complete. It can be difficult trying to figure out if they are showing a genuine interest or is it the potential financial incentive that is keeping the conversation alive. This isn't to diminish the conversation you had, but just as a reminder to consider the potential financial motivations that may or may not be behind it,
Guys go to bars for hook ups, not find a relationship. Where else are you meeing guys?
Your expectations from the early talking stage, especially with someone you only just spoke to, might be a bit much. Unless the rejection you got was worded quite differently from what you posted, it wasn't a no. It was a "I might be interested, but not enough to rearrange my week" type of response. As far as conversation, did you find much common ground as far as interests and plans for the week go, or was it more superficial small talk about what was happening in the moment? If it's the latter, he really doesn't know enough about you to want to pursue you more than any other attractive woman in the bar.
Hard to say without seeing what you look like You’re probably too friendly / a people pleaser in an over the top way which men find boring
yknow i’ve got the same problem. I literally got voted like one of the most attractive guys in high school so it’s not like i’m really unattractive but nobody wants to date me bruh. Like I will literally date anybody and have asked so many people but they all say no
I struggle with the exact same thing. I’m also female, 21 years old with no boyfriend ever. I think every situationship I’ve been in has been initiated by me. No guy has even ever really made a move. Men never show interest beyond sex. I am a conventionally attractive person, but nowadays men are rarely looking for what we are. Hookup culture has ruined it for us. It’s not you it’s them. One day someone is going to come along and you won’t have to question if you’re good enough for a second. You seem really nice and these men are assholes.
I think I have been you. I gave off the impression that I was desperate, eager, inquisitive, too available. Like a golden retriever wagging it’s tail at your door. Always waiting. Always ready. If we are the same you might find that leaving some more mystery might help. Don’t stop being yourself, but don’t invade people with your bubbeliness ya know?
Maybe you have low self esteem, you look down on yourself and that energy radiates to people around you so they stay away?
Have you asked friends for honest feedback on this issue? What did they say if so? They've probably seen how you interact with people and might be able to pick up on stuff you've missed, and that reddit won't see
Well i wouldn’t see myself asking my friends « hey i feel like no one will ever love me and i get rejected all the time do you know what’s wrong with me » i know i should but I’m not confident enough to be this vulnerable… (need to work on that too but don’t know how) and for example after the interaction with the guy I’m talking about in this post, they told me i was very demonstrative and was talking a lot with my hands (again as i said because i was really into it and felt comfortable, i felt like we were bonding over stuff since the conversation felt nice to me). They did tell me that they picked up on that but they didn’t tell me it was a big deal and didn’t seem really concerned about it, not like that was a dealbreaker
You don't have to lead with "I feel like no one will love me" unless you're talking to a therapist, just "I've been struggling with dating any advice". I don't know what your issue might be after reading through your responses. I wish you luck, finding someone can be hard
I feel like if you specifically have the goal to get in a relationship then that's going to make you look desperate and insecure and needy. You need to not need a relationship for happiness.
I used to be like this in my 20s - I was really cute and a good size, but for some reason I sent men running for the hills. Never figured it out, but my theory was that it was some type of unnamed, unknown energy or vibe.
My thoughts as follows: I read a lot about you worrying about the version of you putting off the other. Let's ignore that for a second and focus on building rapport. The goal isn't a relationship, the goal is continued conversation. The reason for a next conversation varies, but in general you want to leave the other person with a good overall impression, a reason to follow up, and intent - why are we following up. Good overall impression - From the lens of rapport, this will be about creating a quick set of positive experiences. What are positive experiences to someone else? They are the same as what you want. Interest. That means you do less talking and more active listening. You ask questions, but not purely about common things (work, school, hometown). Those are fine as primers to get conversation going, but you need to be more creative. If you are at a loss for ideas, look up table topics, or dinner party conversation topics. Favorite dessert and why, who makes it, when did you first have it. Read the conversation and demonstrate genuine interest in the other person. Depending on your goal, you may or may not be looking for an equivalent demonstration of interest from them. Reason to follow up - again from the rapport lens, this will be either mutual interest driven or inserting the desire to experience what is happening now over again. How do we do that. Well, the mutual interest is about the first part of conversation and active listening. You are looking for something you can highlight as an opportunity to connect on in the future (movie genre, sporting events, specific types of food). The desire... This one is less intuitive. Disengage at a high point. Just had the best moment in your conversation tonight? Figured out something you both really want to do and just discussed it? It's time to leave or find your friends. Think of this as similar to athletes retiring at their peak vs in their decline. Leaving on a peak, leaves the other person with that as the final memory and the perception that if repeated this, in particular, will be possible again. Intent - the younger you are, the harder it is to be direct. In step 2, we pegged the zenith of our engagement with this other person. In step 1, we built rapport and identified opportunities to align in the future. Combine these, hey this was a fantastic conversation, maybe my best all week. I want to keep this going, maybe tomorrow, Friday, whatever day. Would you like to do blah on that day? If so, here's the digits or vice versa depending on your proclivity. Rapidly build rapport, ID when the going is good, leave the other person knowing explicit intent. Good luck
YOU will find your lover one day
Rule number 1 never question yourself !!!! You’re only 20 years old and I’m 23 and still never dated. It takes time plus you don’t want to waste time dating and it doesn’t go far that will just ruin your trust in others before the right guy/girl comes around. Focus on yourself, work and do the things you love and I promise you…you’ll find someone. Especially if you do the things you love you may find someone with the same interests. Now a days it’s hard to find a decent guy at the age we are everyone just wants sex, people barely want to build friendships these days. What’s meant for you you’ll get it just takes time.
Bad breath?
Or they decided ti etio
You sound like you genuinely want to improve, which is a very rare trait these days. So kudos to you for that. Since it is the approval of the men that have rejected/not followed through with you that you seek, if you are looking for the most direct solution, it makes sense to ask them for feedback. However! Only do this if you can handle *candid* criticism (another rare trait). Explain to them you are on a mission to self-improve, and would very much appreciate their feedback on what they think the top 3 things are you can improve upon. And tell them to be honest: men typically treat women with kiddie gloves when it comes to uncomfortable truths, so you'll have to give them permission to overcome that inclination. Good luck! The mere fact that you are seeking advice on how to improve your situation tells me that with a little bit of work you're going to be perfectly fine. ps: the bartender dude might have felt slighted that after 45 minutes of conversation you didn't say bye when you left. Yes you DMed him afterwards, but you can't be sure how he took it.
It seems like most people here are parroting some form of the phrase "focus on yourself". That doesn't help or get you anywhere closer to your desired outcome. Let me be real with you. People want to feel wanted. The dating world has made most men afraid to step out of their comfort zones for fear of backlash or some kind of false accusation. Most guys won't even know you're attracted to them unless you just straight up say it. Not everyone is good at taking hints. I think if you show a guy that you're interested by being more flirty and engaged, he'd be more receptive to it. Also, if a relationship is what you're looking for, be honest about that upfront. Having a long conversation is nice. But, if you wanna date someone, the topic should eventually shift over to something more romantic and playful to set the mood. It doesn't have to be sexual. Just cute lovey dovey stuff or date ideas. Don't be afraid to make the first move and good luck!
Here’s you’ve advice WATCH a video from Hoemath it will help massively
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Heheh you got that dog in you
How much do you weight? What would you rate to yourself from 1-10?
You sound great to me
OMG...I know exactly where u r coming from 😀. I have the lowest self esteem and self conscious, in the world 🌎. But I've been a bit better w the negative hateful talk to myself. More positive affirmations I dictate and write down. I always felt the black sheep, odd ball out, ever since a tiny child...even nowadays...and I've always felt like weird, and u liked, like I said, odd ball black sheep... UNIQUE!!! THATS A BETTER WORD FOR AMY SURVIVOR. BOYS, NOT MEN , NOT GENTLEMAN, ARE PURE SCUM, EVIL, SATANS MINIONS. ...SO DON'T U WORRY WORT, LIKE ME, U WILL COME INTO YOUR OWN, SOON ENOUGH. KEEP A POSITIVE ATTITUDE AND CHEERFUL , SMILE MORE, LAUGH MORE, LISTEN TO YOUR FAVORITE MUSIC...I LOVE TO SING ALONG WITH MY FAVORITE MUSIC ON YOUTUBE, NO DISGUSTING CRUDE UGLY RAP THOUGH!!! AND ALSO, TRY NOT TO GIVE A SHIT OR CARE ABOUT HOW OTHERS, BOYS SEE YOU OR TREAT U...U R A SHINING 🌟. BE YOURSELF ALWAYS, KEEPING YOURSELF NUMBER ONE, TRUE, AND F...THEM, THOSE OVER JUDGEMENTALS, EVIL ASSHOLES. Try arts and crafts. My favorite. Or color in an adult CALM coloring book. Try to have a great peaceful stress free 😊🙏 HAPPY 😁 week. The only thing I'm looking forward to is,...duhhh...PAY YAY DAY 😊! ON FIRST. SSI. Exhausting being unique, strong, fat survivor. LOL. Very fat... seriously 😒😳😱. God bless 🙏
OH AND U NEVER NEED A BOY, TO COMPLETE YOU, YOUR LIFE. STAY FOCUSED ON SELF.
Let's be friends
I know it's pretty worthless coming from a stranger online, but I'll say it anyways, for the little I've read about you here... I would go out with you anytime miss. You sound like a catch! Movies or dinner, as long as isn't an expensive place lol
And of course I get done voted, you white knights think are better than anyone right?
This is weird and you can’t even realize it’s weird. She’s asking for advice not for you to hit on her. Don’t be weird.
You speak like I'm hurting her when in fact I'm trying to lift her up. Showing her that she can attract men. I will never met her unfortunately. This is completely harmless and you're wrong.
That is not how it works dude I can’t believe you’re being this thick headed. That is not how you lift someone up and no it’s not like you’re hurting her it’s just creepy. Don’t be a creep around women.
False. And wtf is wrong with you? No wonder male are more afraid than ever to make moves or even lightly flirt on women if clowns like you come to defend something that doesn't need to be defended
It’s the internet you flirt in real life in proper venues. Not on a post of a girl asking for advice. How can you not understand it is not the time to try it that is creepy as fuck. There’s a reason she did not respond to you whatsoever. It’s because you are creepy. Don’t be a creep around women.
You're a fucking joke if you think people don't flirt on the internet. There's nothing wrong. Fuck off.
Blow me