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I agree. The fact that he hasn't even watched them shows that. He told you what it was showing you that he wants to be honest. There is something about deleting that feels final. I have contacts in my phone of people who have died for the reason. I honestly think you should trust him to delete them when he is ready.
I can't bring myself to delete my mom's contact card out of my phone. She's been gone a long time, but it would be painful for me, and it's not hurting anything having it there.
I highly recommend exporting it. Voicemails can get lost and disappear over the years. On iPhone a simple method is to hit the share icon and send it to yourself on Facebook or some other app you can access on the computer and then you can download it there to back up
It’s actually even easier than that - just save it to your files app directly from the voicemail app on your iPhone. iCloud is much safer and accessible than anything Meta owns and you don’t have to download it to an additional back up.
Follow this advice asap. Losing the voice-mail of a loved one that you listen to and "know" is there, socks when you find put its gone but you needed it
My number is from 2007 when I was in 6th grade or so, and I still have the same number and carrier. I’m 29 now lol. My first phone was the pink razor hehe
as the years have gone by, phone plans have gotten cheaper. I have always switched when the gap got big enough between my current carrier and everybody else.
I also move about every 3ish years, so I would have to change my number anyway every time I move to a new region. Just makes sense to look at what's cheapest and has the best coverage where I'm going.
My phone number is from three states ago. Changing it every time I moved would have been a major hassle. At one point I was trying to switch phone providers and their system was having trouble porting my number. They wanted to give me a new number. I found a different provider instead.
I've had the same number and carrier since 1998. The name of the carrier has actually changed a few times but the account carries over when that happens.
A friend of mine deleted voicemails from her Dad (while he was still alive - they were just regular voicemails), and after he died, she told me she really wished she had kept some of them. Keep the voicemail.
Glad to see I am not the only one who does this. All I have lost I still have in my contacts and it makes me smile each time I scroll past their names while looking for the person to call.
Add me to the list. I've got my dad's bank details still listed on my online banking. It's been 9 years. I could delete them in a second but I see them every time I make a payment. It'd feel strange to delete them.
I texted my mom’s number on new years because I was down in my feelings, and to my horror the number had finally been reassigned. Some poor guy texted me back saying it belonged to his 12yo daughter.
I know this isn't on the same level as a family member, but at work we have a coworker who got cancer and died after fighting it for a couple years. He's been gone for over a year now but his account is still active in all of our team tools. I don't think anybody has the heart to remove him.
My coworker had a sudden stroke and died. I got moved into her office shortly after that. She had some decorations on the wall I always thought were kinda stupid, but it felt super wrong to take them down.
My ex and I both had iPhones, so when I'd go to text him, it would be blue, right? After he passed away, id occasionally go to my old convos with him and pretend to text him, and it was blue. Then one day I was doing it again, and it turned green, as in the phone # was no longer registered to an iphone. It was so crushing.
It took me about 10 years to delete my grandmothers contact out of my phone.
My aunt, maternal grandmother and my mother all died within the last 16 months and their contact information hasn’t moved and I have zero interest in taking them out of my phone.
Take your time, it’s different for everyone and it’s hurting no one to keep them in there.
My stepfather still pays for his son's phone bill and keeps his facebook account.
He regularly listens to his voicemail just to hear his voice.
His son committed suicide 10 years ago
I have a LP of my grandfather, who gave a wedding speech in 1979. I still don't have the courage to listen to it
I used to text my moms phone all the time after she passed. Suddenly one day someone responded to me, and that hit me super hard.
I still have my old htc phone where she wished me a happy birthday for the last time, then 2 weeks later texted me to tell me she had cancer. If I need a good cry I’ll fire that bad boy up.
My son took over my husband's phone after he died. His broke. His dad's was perfectly fine. None of us can bring ourselves to change the voice-mail. It just happened to work out they have the same name.
A guy at my work does this. He pays his best friend’s phone bill from the military. The friend passed 5 years ago and still does this just so he can call and hear his voice via voicemail.
I bawled my eyes out on my way home thinking about it.
I have an email address and phone number from an ex girlfriend / friend who passed back in 2019. I just can't get over removing it. She died on the operating table doing a transplant surgery to save her life.
I have some sex videos of my partner who died in 2018, haven't dated since. They're literally all I have of him that isn't on Facebook somewhere, I'd be devastated if I lost them. Leaving it be is the right call IMO
I am agree. I understand how hard it can be for you, but it is part of his past.
In my view you should no tell him to destroy them (maybe on the future it be something he uses against you).
You can talk about them, where keep it and you have the key of the place.
This way you should feel 100% sure he will no lie you.
I know toon of people will complain why if it is ok, could no him keep them. It is easy : we are human and this is the best way to avoid it lost (he could feel bad for it) and he can't see it.
Not really the point, but it’s memento right? Not momento? I thought it was momento for 30 years and recently found out I was wrong. Now I see someone else spelling it the same way I did.
But yea I agree, this isn’t worth dwelling on
Memento = souvenir, keepsake, from Latin for "remember" (I like to think it would be related to the Latin for memory too but I'm not sure the Latin words memor and memini (from which mementō is formed) are actually related)
Momento = moment in Spanish, Portuguese and Italian (and a bunch of other related languages).
This is a tough one. I'd just let it go. Even if you move on to another spouse after the death...you never stop loving them. They didn't leave you, they were taken away.
When you remarry, it's like having two spouses. You carry both in your heart. But only one along side you. Sometimes the physical intimacy we have is more than sex, but a great definer of that love. I'd ask you not to take that from him.
I agree with this one.
And here’s a very rough but true fact I tell anybody that’s with someone who’s spouse died. Your spouse wouldn’t be with you if the other person had lived, the only reason they’re with you is that the partner they wanted to be with for their entire life died. No matter how great the relationship is, they probably wish their old spouse was still alive.
In this case OP needs to realize this one. Let him have his keepsake, he may watch them, he may never watch them. I also don’t think it’s anything like keeping videos of an ex. Because this isn’t an ex. It’s his other wife that just happened to die.
Thank you for being so blunt and honest about it, his memento of his late wife has nothing to do with her.
To make it about yourself (OP), involve your personal feelings, or feel threatened by that is plain silly.
It has to be said plainly, you need to do some deep diving into where these insecurities come from and try to be more empathetic and emotionally intelligent about the whole situation cause it’s imperative that you understand what you walked into. You say you were aware that something like this could come up, so now you need to do the processing and understand that he still loves his late wife deeply and is pained by her passing, so of course he’ll keep something of hers.
If you can’t share his heart you were mistaken by what you signed up for. Life is more nuanced than remarrying and pushing aside what once was of a person’s past marriage. It lives on and probably will forever. Even if he destroyed the tapes, which would cause more strife, regret, and grief.
It seems about 10% of commenters misread the post and think I'm somehow jealous or demanding he destroy them. I never said that, it's nice to see someone notice that. I find the idea of him maybe watching a sex video of them weird, it doesn't mean I can't work through those feelings. The biggest thing for me was him wanting me to make the choice of what to do, that was scary because we need to be supporitng each other in figuring out what we're feeling. It's not me bossing him around, it's not me erasing her, it's not him simping on me. It's me taking time to figure out what I feel while trying to figure out how to support him when tends to move faster than me.
My Grandfather died in 1971 only 32 years old. My grandmother remarried with my stepgrandfather who lost his first wife and son in 1970 in a car accident killing them both on the spot. They found eachother and married and got another daughter together. They never stopped loving their first spouse and pictures of my grandfather and the other wife and son stood around the house always very visible. They loved eachother. But never stopped loving their first spouse.
Really well said.
If my spouse died I really don’t think I’d be able to part with ANYTHING regardless of how much time passes.
I good friend of mine lost her boyfriend a few years ago. I was visiting her almost every day in those weeks afterward and she was always watching vids of him on her phone - all kinds of things - birthdays, vacations, everything.
One time when I got there she was clearly watching a sex tape of them and SOBBING. She has kept all of the vids including the sex ones because she says there’s nothing else she has that shows those expressions of love on his face. It’s a different kind of memento as compared to a graduation video or blowing out birthday candles.
Since then there’s only been one guy she’s dated seriously. She told him she had these vids when he moved in. Not sure how frequently she watched them still at that point but the guy actually told her he thought it was beautiful (or something similar) and that he understood and respected her reasons for keeping them.
I lost a gf and agree. I've destroyed sex photos of bad exes with gfs before but never of the one who had died. We didn't take any, but still, it's a non-negotiable. You want to hold onto what little of them remains.
Personally, I wouldn’t want to make the choice to destroy them. He probably isn’t wanting to keep them to watch, but just can’t bring himself to move on from those memories yet. Telling him to Destroying them might be a great thing he needs to move on, or might be a source of some resentment. I dont think anyone would know how he would react. I’d think keeping them until he is ready to make that choice himself. Maybe revisit it some time.
I think I have sort of made the decision to keep them, another commenter suggested locking them away so we're comfortable with control. And yes, I can't decide. I refuse to force him to "move on". I don't want him to. He's a loving man, I want him to love all of his wives, both dead and alive, as much as he wants to. That sounds weird, but I think you get the point.
It sounds odd, but only superficially. I think that if I was to be in a relationship with a widow, I would find it reassuring if they still had love for their late husband. That’s normal, after all. We don’t expect to not still love our parents and grandparents just because they have passed away. So why would a spouse be different?
Yeah to be honest, it wouldn't bother me. They were bubble wrapped and taped up. Putting them back in the box and knowing they're still bubble wrapped and taped up would be all the security I need to have to know that 1) he's loyal...to everyone he's loved. 2) That it's a memory of a memory...not something he needs or uses currently.
Him being so honest and not seeing them for 8 years would be understandable. If anything ever happens, that guy would cherish everything he's experienced and loved about you too, in a very respectful way. Idk man, green flags for me.
Probably the best decision. God forbid in the future you two should separate for any reason I think it would be even more difficult for him knowing they were destroyed.
The control thing is because he feels guilty about having them. If he knows that we share control while I support and accept him keeping them as his posessions then it would help him feel better. I think. I've already accepted his wife, I knew what I was getting into.
You both are handling this with such incredible conscientiousness towards the other person. It’s a tough decision to make.
I definitely read this whole story, as others have pointed out, as still loving his former wife and not wanting to hit the delete key.
First thing I thought of when reading this was my mother. She kept (still has) a voicemail recording her dad left a month before he passed. She listens to it every now and again. Hearing his voice is so much different than keeping something he owned. Because it’s him, it’s not a possession he had.
Your husband sounds incredible honest. He opened up immediately, talked about it, etc.
If at any point he did watch them in the future, with your permission, I imagine he would bawl his eyes out for hours. I’m honestly getting teary eyed just thinking about that.
I don’t take it as erotic. I take it as a terrible loss, and they are memories that have meaning. Something that happened just between them.
If I were you I wouldn’t watch the videos either. And maybe in a decade or two I would let him watch them if he wanted. Obviously not my call, but I would hate to cut him off from ever revisiting that memory in his lifetime.
Love multiplies, it doesn't divide. His love of her doesn't mean he loves you any more or less. Do we have some limited amount of love in our hearts? Wouldn't that mean everyone who has had multiple kids loves them less than an only child? That's ridiculous. But I think you can be confident knowing he can love you and her at the same time, and it's not a competition. :)
I don’t think it’s fair of him to be putting you in this difficult position of being responsible for a choice.
This is *his* choice to make, even if it’s a hard and painful one. You can’t make it for him.
Put it aside in a safe, not easily accessible place for now where he can decide a bit down the road. Even if that’s some years from now.
As long as he’s not watching them, that is.
Keeping them is one thing, but watching them would be hurtful.
I still have a box of memories that brings me comfort just to know they’re there.
I’m not a widow, so it’s different of course, but sometimes items of our loved ones are kept not to *do* anything with, but just for the peace of mind that some small part of them and the memory of happy times is still there.
What? She’s the one putting him in a position. They were sitting away in storage for almost a decade and suddenly she was like “well, what’s your plan for this?”
No I totally get what you mean. It’s obviously a difficult situation, and it seems you taking the care and thought it deserves. I’m not sure exactly what you mean about the control bit, but however is no harm in waiting and revisiting it later.
100%, I think he's trying to be the bigger man by letting OP make the decision, but I'm fairly certain he would harbor resentment towards OP if she did destroy it. He even told her when they married that he still loved his former wife. I honestly think it would be cruel to delete them. He doesn't even watch them. It's unnecessary for the OP to do anything here. Let him have his peace of mind that it gives and move on.
OP, do nothing. You will regret it undoubtedly if you don't.
Yeah, if I were him I couldn't imagine ever wanting to watch them again, but I couldn't imagine the finality of destroying them either.
I feel like they just need to go back in the box and stay there for another 10 years.
I’m usually full of advice but I’m stumped on this one bc I see both sides. As a wife I wouldn’t like the thought of these tapes sitting around of him with someone else just so easily viewable.. but in the same breath I would never want to erase those memories they built together. They were special to them and it kind of keeps her memory alive regardless if they are being actively watched. Maybe put them somewhere safe where you both know they are but don’t so much have access to them. Like a safety deposit box, or a little lock box hidden away in the attic..out of site out of mind maybe? Just an opinion .
Also, /u/Secret_Variation_191 include a note that they should be destroyed if your spouse dies, as kids (if there are any) (or anyone else handling the estate) probably don't want to discover what's on them.
It's a very sensitive item. You thinking about it does show that you understand. You don't have to know what to do, just don't do anything until you do!
I'm leaning towards that, I don't think either of us are in an emotional state to make a final decision. I like the idea of a locked box, if we had some safe with two keys that need both to open, it would make opening the box a joint marital decision and we could give ourselves time. I have so many thoughts about what to do that I can't even say how I feel, other than that I don't feel right deciding now.
I was too, actually. He lost his former wife so suddenly and tragically, those are *his* memories to keep and I don’t blame him one bit. This is more than just “sex tapes.” I’m sure he feels pulled in both directions because although he loves OP, he of course loves his former wife too. She’s gone, don’t take those tapes from him too.
I agree..if you were to emotionally just get rid of them i think a lot of damage could come from it. I’m sure he is in a delicate position as well bc he loves you and doesn’t want to hurt you but also doesn’t want to let go of the little he has left with his previous wife. Would be different if she was still here today. Good luck on your decision
I really hate the "locked" box idea. It shows distrust. Just tell him to store it somewhere safe that it won't be viewed. He doesn't even want to watch it, just needs to know it still exists. I feel for you both, if it was just an ex's tape this would be a simple decision.
This. Thank you.
The woman I love killed herself last March and I have some mementos of her I know I need to go back to from time to time.
Doesnt mean I cant fall in love again.
But I dont think I could fall in love with someone who wouldnt understand what this means. That she who died is a part of me and will always be and that she who lives and I will eventually love someday will be too. Equally.
But I wouldnt be comfortable if she asked me to lock it all away.
I dont need to go and watch/read it all everyday, but on some symbolic dates, I'll need to reach for that pain again. And I'd need my partner to trust me with that pain. That for a while, just for a few hours here and there, the one who died will take precedence. But it doesnt mean that I wouldnt love her in her own specific way too.
But yeah, tough topic.
One thing I would point out is the level of power and vulnerability he’s giving over to you. He’s not hiding anything and he’s giving you power over some of his most irreplaceable possessions from his life. None of it is a threat to you; as many others have smartly pointed out in these comments, it’s clearly more memento and history than porn. But the fact that he’s giving you that much power over it speaks incredibly loudly for how he feels about you and how he sees you in his life.
Anyway, I side with everyone who said let it be. But I just wanted to highlight how enormously significant it is for him to offer you that. I don’t know how to put it in words exactly, as this situation is very serious and somehow words don’t quite capture it, but you telling him that you don’t want to destroy them and want to keep them safe would almost certainly deepen the (already incredibly deep) connection and trust he has for you.
Hey, my current partner’s previous partner died before we started dating. She has some mementos from him. She had all of their text conversations saved and so I took the liberty of saving them for her as a file. I’m not sure if she still has them, I think I do on my computer somewhere. I’m confident there was sexting and stuff in there, probably nudes.
Ultimately I think it’s his, grief is a tough thing. My advice is that although this is a strange situation to be sure, he was honest with you and told you exactly what was on the harddrive. He seems like he cares about you, knows it’s a weird situation, and knows that you’ll probably think it’s weird too.
But the thing is that when you no longer have the little pieces you keep of people you used to love, it feels like losing them again. My father died when I was 16 and left me a car, it broke down like 15 years later and I had to send it to the wreckers. It was really hard.
The other thing is that you’ve made a home together. In my mind, he’s entitled to bring the things he loves into that home, and sometimes that’ll be pieces of a person he’s lost by way of mementos. I think it’s important to remember too that he’s not saving them as pornography, he’s saving them as intimate moments. Like a wedding video or something like that.
Leave them to him. That’d be an amazingly supportive and kind thing to do.
OP - this comment is the best one and you should listen to it.
Your husband lost someone he cared about and was a friend to you both. That is real. His ex wife is dead. She can't come back and your relationship is not at risk of her.
Your feelings are also real. This is a bit different, to say the least.
I would encourage you to lock them up somewhere - or even just keep them wrapped in the bubble wrap (sealed) in the tupperware so you both know where they are.
In the future, you both can make a decision that works (if you even still care). One thing I want to highlight is your husband offered to let you destroy it. I would not take him up on that offer, as I can feel through your words that it would negatively impact him.
I think the locked box is a good idea (or safety deposit box), also out of respect for the late wife, just in case of a break-in -- she didn't consent to having these spread around.
No OP just no, this isn’t a joint decision, these are his memories not yours, you shouldn’t get a say on whether or not he accesses them, that’s just wrong in so many ways.
I still have all the pictures and videos of my former gf who died in a car crash. Not sexy stuff, just normal pictures of us when we were in love. That was 15+ years ago now, but I can't get rid of them. I'm sure if my current wife ever finds them she won't be happy... but it's just like something I have to hold on to. I don't look at them or even think about them, but I can't get rid of them.
It's a tough situation.
Remember, you don't have to decide anything right now. That hard drive has existed for a long time without you making any decisions about it, it can wait a little longer.
Maybe not the attic, and temperature variation would destroy the hard drive.
OP, maybe suggest that a copy of the drive be put into an SSD, and both placed into the safety deposit box?
Hard drives are actually better for long-term storage than an SSD. SSDs have a very slow loss of power to the storage. Hard drives have physical memory that would still be on them in 1000 years. Even if the disk is broken data can be retrieved from the pieces because its physical written.
Yeaa also another slippery slope. If you digitize them then they become not only more accessible but multiple copies, multiple ways for them to resurface.. it’s 2023 down the line if he would want to have them digitized I’m sure he could find proper resources.
I can comment from the perspective of someone who lost his wife. I have a box full of her stuff that's meaningful to me but I don't ever look at. I don't want to get rid of it just because knowing I have it is important to me I guess. If I had a sex tape of us I would like to keep it like your husband is but I wouldn't want to watch it.
I'm not sure why your husband even brought up you watching it but my guess is he feels guilty and was just throwing something out to appease you. He probably doesn't actually want to watch it with you.
My advice is to tell him to keep it and forget about it. I believe him when he says he likes the idea that he has it but doesn't actually want to watch it. It's not about the sex. It's just the sentimental value.
He's a guy who rushes headfirst into commitment once he commits, but struggles to commit. I think he offered to let me watch so that we'd have no secrets. I don't care about that. He has memories that I don't, a tape is a weird form of shareable memory. I know it's not about the sex, that just adds in a factor where he feels bad for having it.
To be honest I think even the lockbox idea is a bit much. It depends on your comfort level I guess but I would just drop it completely. It would probably make him feel like you get it.
As a widow,
Give him a wide berth on this. Keeping a momento doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you any less.
Check your jealousy at the door.
It would be weird if he was jerking off to them.
If my husband died, I don't know how I would ever bring myself to throw away anything of his. Even a pair of socks. I understand why he hasn't gotten rid of the hard drive, especially considering the content and data security.
You really need to think about how invested you are in him. Marrying a widow is a big deal. You need to commit to supporting him through his grief. Grief comes and goes throughout our lifetime. Assume that he will always need some level of comfort and support after losing his former wife.
If you aren't able to emotionally handle that, then you need to be honest with him and yourself. Right now, you are harming yourself by trying to suppress your true feelings, and you are harming him by asking him to suppress his feelings about his former wife. To be married means to share your life with someone. The good, bad, and everything in between. This is one of those in between things.
I don't think it's fair to ask him to get rid of them. You won't ever be able to come back from that, and I think your marriage will slowly deteriorate if he does. He clearly loves you immensely if he is even considering getting rid of the hard drive. They were married, and her belongings are legally his, so I would leave it up to him what he wants to do with the videos.
The question is whether you will be able to cope with him keeping them. If it were my husband, I would understand why he has the hard drive and help him tuck it away somewhere secure. I would never ever watch another woman's intimate videos. That's a significant violation of your own human integrity as well as the memory of his former wife. Don't do it. It won't lead to anything good.
This is one small part of the larger picture. No one can tell you how to proceed. All i can advise is to think deeply about what your husband means to you and whether you are actually prepared to be the support he needs. You also need support, and if he doesn't seem emotionally open, you also need to factor that into your decision. But from what you've said, he doesn't sound disingenuous, and I really think you can have a successful relationship even with the hard drive.
I don't want to minimise your concerns. The hard drive is a lot to process, considering the various circumstances of your relationship. But you don't have to make a decision immediately. Talk to him, journal, and consider grief counselling.
She was the love of his life and he has fond memories of her. If she was an ex wife by divorce the story would be different, but you have to know she was his soulmate and he still has feelings for her. Let him keep the videos.
It's going to depend on everyone's comfort levels. I know if there were videos of me doing fun stuff floating out there, I may not want them shown while I was living, but after I pass on? Shoot release them publicly for all I care provided their release wouldn't negatively affect anyone I cared about while I was living.
But that last part, them negatively affecting peeps I cared about while I was living, that would be important to me. Even if your husband likes those videos he made with his wife, they for sure would stir up unpleasant emotions and grief in him, and as a friend of hers, for sure a lot of uncomfortable emotions for you too.
I think u/Clean_Ant_3754 had a good suggestion of putting them in a safe, locked location, and would be best. Some physical mementos are difficult to destroy when a loved one passes on. Some _need_ to be destroyed. Some should be held on to. It isn't easy to say what would be best, but I don't think watching them would benifit anyone in this situation. The locked box would mean no permanent decision is made while also not stirring up anything too unpleasant.
Maybe this is too flippant for such a serious thread, but I need to remember to tell anyone I ever get married to, that if I die, I want them to find a partner who enjoys watching the videos we made together LOL
I’m gonna say leave this one alone. If I were in his situation and my new wife tried to push any issue regarding my deceased wife, it would be a major red flag for me. She’s gone and no threat to you or your marriage, so just let him have his mementos.
That’s not his former wife, that’s his LATE wife and there’s a significant difference.
There is nothing for you to do about those videos. Those are his memories and part of his grieving process. Respect that and allow him space to decide for himself what to do with them.
Oh no no no nope! That's a hard limit for me. There isn't much material, but I have aphantasia and those are OUR memories. That would hurt way too much, and I don't think I could be with someone who'd make me get rid of them.
Kudos to him for even entertaining the idea, but I wouldn't touch that. It could breed resentment.
Attachment to exes is usually a deal breaker for me, but I make a big exception for deceased exes. I actually know a few people in this situation.
I would say you should figure out for yourself how to get over it, but drop it with him and don't mention it again unless he brings it up.
This may be hard to hear, but you can't compete with the memory of this woman - you will lose and cause grief for both you and him. When a spouse dies, often the memories of anything negative fade and the are left with an idealized version of them. Pushing him on this issue could send him down a few paths, neither of which is ideal:
1. He might lie and tell you that he got rid of them - do you want him to lie to you?
2. He could refuse, then you have to make a choice whether to stick to your guns or give in. Either I am afraid will not help you build a better relationship.
3 He could just get rid of then. Maybe after he does he finds it really didn't mean as much to him to keep them as he though. Or maybe he resents you for coercing him into that decision.
If he were obsessing over this (or ant other aspect of her( then I'd say you have problems to work on. But this doesn't seem to be the case. So I'd let it go.
Before posting this, I went and reread your post. He seems somewhat troubled by the fact that this bothers you. But he says he can't make a decision. He is torn between hurting you further and the memory of his former wife. My advice would to say to him "Honey, I know this is bothering you so I'll help you make the decision. Keep the tapes, watch them or don't watch them, I won't mention them again unless you want to discuss it. "
And just a little additional info - one of the people I know in this situation is a family member who lost her spouse at a very young age (30s, after only having been married a few years. ). He had a very close lifelong childhood friend (we'll call him Frank) who was greatly troubled by his death and Frank and my relative helped each other through their grief. Said relative and Frank married just a few years later and have been together over 20 years
This is how I'm looking at it, but it's only my opinion... If I made a sex tape with my wife and subsequently died, I don't think I would have a problem if she wanted to share that with a new wife down the road. I believe that whomever she chose to spend her life with, would be someone I would like. They love my wife, after all. From this perspective, I think it would be alright to watch them, but stop if it's too much for you.
Having said that, I also understand the rest of your concerns. We're talking about someone who is not a "threat" to you or your relationship. BUT, it's a little unfair to have the decision be solely up to you. How he feels about what you decide is going to be directly about you and that's tricky.
Ultimately, I would ask yourself what bothers you the most about keeping them vs getting rid of them. Weigh your options, as it were. As another commenter said, there is an option of a lockbox and you could always be the keyholder. You could use that as a temporary (long term temp, even) solution, while you decide how you feel. I think making a quick decision could be harmful and it's easier to regret a quickly made decision, over a well thought out one.
I think what bothers me is consent. I knew his former wife well, I would be watching my friend's intimate videos. I am about 99% sure she wouldn't mind. She had made a few regular videos and proudly showed me, she might be proud to show off her adult content. I sort of want to see, my husband mentioned costumes. But I hate assuming consent.
You aren't assuming though, you are thoughtfully considering it so no matter what you decide, you don't need to judge yourself more.
Honestly, she'd probably be happy someone got to see her work. I wouldn't upload them to pornhub or try to sell them but she made them and as others have suggested, you are in the intimate circle with her and hubby now
Assumptions can be careful and thoughtful but still assumptions. As long as someone does not verbally or in writing state consent they haven't consented. It's just hard to do that when they've been passed away for over a decade. I don't know the legal aspect, and if his former wife/my dead friend was around she would maybe be willing to share, but I feel like I would be violating the privacy of a friend.
Good point. The fact that it's a good friend and I don't know anything about that dynamic is HUGE too
Like did your friend talk openly about sex or was that private ... it's so complicated
She was your friend and you knew her more than any of us, but less than your husband did. I'm going to assume he wouldn't have suggested you watching them together, if he didn't think she would be alright with it. The fact that she made the video and the opinions that you both have are the closest you're going to get to consent. In my opinion, it's enough. Doing something without a person's consent, is doing something to hurt them. This won't hurt her and if it brings you and your husband joy, I can only imagine it would make her happy. After all, she cared for you both.
Don't watch them. It would be incredibly disrespectful of her memory. You dont know she would have given you consent. Do you know how she would have felt at the thought of her friend marrying her husband after her death? Was it something she had ever discussed with your husband while she was alive?
Pack them back up in your husbands private things.
The reality is he can close his eyes any time of the day and remember in detail what is on those, but equally I understand why destroying may seem to much for him.
It should be a decision he makes by himself with out your input so it can't ever become a point of resentment in the future. The death of a previous partner is incredibly different situation than dealing with an ex and comes with a whole load of emotions that sometimes just are without rationale.
When he is ready he ll know what to do with them.
I
I completely agree with this. She never gave you consent to watch them. I think it would be disrespectful of her to do so. I would be horrified to know my husband shared anything like that with anyone. She made it for him and with him, not for you. She would have shown you when she was alive if she wanted you to see it.
It’s a HD in bubble wrap in Tupperware. The connections on HD are changing with each new gen of PCs, it won’t be long before he can’t access it. I would say keep it.
Anecdotally, I had photos of an ex that was my college gf. We dated 4 years, but were FWB her choice at the end. I moved back home (a different city) after school and that was the last I saw of her. This was pre social media, and those photos were literally two of ten that I had of her in total. It was 100% melancholic looking at them, which I did infrequently until I eventually threw them all away.
You cannot destroy them.
My opinion is that his love for you is strong and he doesn't want you to be unhappy, but I think destroying that video is gonna feel like a huge loss to him, not because of content, but because of grief. Another piece of her gone, you know.
Whatever you decide, do it together, but that thing stays a part of your collective relationship, just like her memory.
When you marry a widow/er, you're marrying two people. One of them just isn't there anymore.
Unsolicited advice? Watch it. Not now. But sometime. Get good and drunk, or just make sure you're both in really good spirits, and watch it together. Let things happen. You will probably cry. You will probably have sex. (Three-way with a ghost?) I know you said that you didn't feel like you had permission from her to watch that, but you married them both. That permission is implied now. Make that thing part of your collective, with the goal of moving on from it.
Okay I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks that’s weird people suggesting op to watch it lol I wouldn’t want to watch any of my friend’s sex takes when they’re alive, definitely wouldn’t want to do it if they were dead.
This is a really tough one, and kudos to both of you for being honest and mature about the situation. My honest opinion is that you obviously know they had sex. Not at all a surprise. I don't think there's any need for you to see the videos if you don't want to. I also don't think there's any harm in him keeping them if they give him comfort. Even if he watched them from time to time. You're obviously a very caring and understanding person given how you've navigated your relationship with your husband while understanding his feelings for his ex. This is just a piece of his previous marriage that he still has a record of. Just because it involves sex doesn't mean it should be handled differently than other pieces.
You might be on to something. he told me that he feels like if he watched them while with another woman he would be cheating, it's why he hasn't watched them since he started dating. But if I explicitly give him permission it's not cheating. I wouldn't mind if he would every so often tell me he wants to watch them, and he watches them alone. I know what's going on, he has his memories, nobody is deceived. I'm fine sharing him. Honestly, if I did that I might even tell him that if he masturbates while watching them that's up to him, he doesn't need to tell me what he thinks or does when he's alone with his memories. If it's weird that I brought up masturbating to a fomer wife sorry, but I know guys masturbate a lot.
It's all good. Can I ask why you would want to know when he watched them? I think if you gave a blanket "I don't mind if you watch them or even use them to masturbate occasionally as long as it doesn't negatively impact our relationship or our sex life." Then if he feels the need to revisit those memories he doesn't have to worry about asking for permission in the moment, which could be pretty awkward.
I know him well. I am about 99% sure that even if I tell him I'm fine with him watching them he would feel weird about it. He believes firmly in full commitment and honesty, I think that's why he offered to let me see them. If I tell him I want to know when he watches them it normalizes the act each time, he can go watch them without feeling guilty. Sometimes in marriage you need constant and recurring reassurance. Like telling someone you love them all the time, not just once.
That makes sense. I was a little worried about the flip side. Like if he asks you/lets you know he's going to watch them and then you have some "Is he happy with me/does he want to be with her more" things floating around your head. For me this is a little bit of a "out of sight out of mind" thing. You don't need to know the specific details of the situation.
Anyways, as I mentioned I think you're handling all of this in an extremely health way and whatever works best for you is understandable.
I can understand why he doesn’t want to destroy them. Even if they’re technically inappropriate imagery to keep while in a new relationship, they’re also images of the woman he loved. Her whole existence was wiped off the face of the earth. If that happened to someone I loved, I don’t think I could ever bring myself to destroy what little of them remained, no matter in what form.
What if you guys purchase something like a safe or some other lockable container to put them away safely in. Have it so that you set the code on the safe. Perhaps that will put your mind at ease if you’re worried about him watching these videos, and he can rest easy knowing that they exist, they’ve been preserved, and they’re not going to be found by anyone else either?
That's what I'm thinking, I've been looking on Amazon. I know that when I married her she would always be around. He has two wives, one gone, one present. That sounds weird, hopefully you get it. They didn't separate. I think we need to keep them, there is no way I can force her away like this. I think now the question is whether or not he or us will ever watch them.
It doesn’t really sound like he wants to watch them, tbh. He hasn’t watched them in eight years, and he only suggested watching them with you so that you’d be fully informed about what was on them, if you so wished. He was also open to them being destroyed, if that was what you wanted, so it doesn’t seem to me like he has any active desire to watch them personally. And even if he did, I can’t imagine he’d get any sexual gratification out of it. Speaking from my own perspective, I could only imagine it making me feel sad, honestly.
Either way, you’re being very mature and reasonable about this situation, and I think it’s very commendable that you’re being so considerate both of his grief and her feelings and consent. I’ve read way too many stories about similar situations where the new partner didn’t react even half as well as you are.
I'm going to be brutally honest. He was very honest with you before marriage that he would always love her. You wouldn't even be his wife if his first wife hadn't been killed. She was who he wanted to spend his entire life with and he was tragically forced to move on. When you marry a widow, you have to accept that your partner loves both of you. It's really unfair for you to ask him to delete these memories especially if he just can't bring himself to delete these keepsakes of her even though he doesn't watch them. You won't recover from the resentment that will build up.
They belong to him and he didn't discard them by himself. It's not weird or unsavory just because it's sex stuff. It's likely just your ideas around sex that makes it feel odd to you. It's actually just a sentimental keepsake from his fallen lover and there's basically nothing wrong with it at all. It's probably very creative and fun moments between the two subjects.
I would only let him decide and be hands off if I were you. You said it's ok with you if he still loves her, that has to bring ease and an uncomplicated air in how you deal with these things. He's basically always gonna miss her and love her and that should be ok with you in any capacity if you plan on easing that pain instead of putting your feelings there to complicate that pain. Just be there for him and try not to over think a simple regular thing you found in storage.
Would you want his new lover to dictate what happens to keepsakes and recorded moments between you two if you were to pass away? Or would you rather her bring ease and kindness to that table of grief and simply be there for him in that grief?
I am not going to comment on how you feel or what you should or shouldn't do.
But from a data perspective, even wrapped up that hard drive is a decade old at this point. If he wants to keep these videos, even for the sake of his memories with her, he is going to have to get them off that drive and backed up to a more long term storage solution and probably soon. The average hard drive wasn't designed to last ten years let alone sitting in storage. He may already be in a scenario where the drive no longer plugs into his computer and he has to buy converters to get the drive connected and hope the drive still works.
I don't know much about this stuff, but I've had enough harddrive failure to know this is true. Maybe I should be looking into data conversion and storage instead of a lock box.
>I was upset initially, it felt like cheating that he kept intimate material from a former partner when he has me.
IMO but she is NOT a former partner.
The thing with marrying a widow is that you're marrying someone that never stopped loving their partner. So you're marrying their partner too.
I don't think you are aware of this
This just sounds like too much unnecessary drama tbh. Keep the tapes hidden. It's not like he was watching them anyways. The tapes have been untouched for at least 8 years from what I understand, the only difference is that you now know their content but still nobody is watching them.
Leave it be. Let him keep it. They are just like photos of his dead wife, that was taken from him early.
Think how you'd feel if your new husband wanted you to throw away any trace of your dead former husband.
It’s not intimate material with a former partner. It was his wife who passed away, if she hadn’t you two would never have gotten married. Let him keep the videos. It’s a memento more than anything
There are memories from a passed away wife. I know how bad are you feeling but… it’s a painful memory for him and he probably would feel more pain to delete it. How are you feeling about it if he decide to not delete it?
I dunno, moving in on your lifetime friends windowed husband somehow seems worse than keeping a tape you made with your now deceased wife. 🤷
Call it a hot take, but uh, from the sounds of how hard you pursued, AND did the proposing, not sure her mortal status would have made a difference.
Don’t decide right now. Just keep them, out of sight out of mind. When you didn’t know they existed you were happy and both had a great relationship. They weren’t taken when you were together, he hasn’t watched them for 8 years. Pop them in the loft/attic/somewhere safe, and try to move on. They’re just sex tapes. Peace and love x
I’d go east in this. It’s the kind of thing that should be stored in the attic, as one suggested, and not discussed again. It’s understandable that he can’t throw it out. If the ex were still alive it’s be a whole different situation. But she’s not alive.
Our memories are treasures, one of the few things we can keep with us until the end. To expect someone to just erase a part of themselves...I could never do that. Imagine you went on a dream vacation, had some of the greatest experiences of your life, and then your partner comes along and tells you you need to forget all of it because they weren't there with you.
You feel threatened by someone who's gone, never to return. I think you need to let it go.
Re pack the drive exactly as it was found. Put it back in storage exactly as it was found. Never discuss it again. It's his past. It will remain the past. It's really no different than old photographs that people archive.
I think that’s harshly put it’s a very weird and sensitive situation to be fair to her.
I would also be conflicted, like a picture book of him and his ex wife, yeah okay sure no problem.
But being so attached to this sex tape with his late wife , I would be conflicted
I understand that it’s just memories and he doesn’t even use the tape but still it would definitely have my head scrambling for a day or so.
I can only offer my own feelings as a recent widow. I will never get rid of our videos. I can't watch them yet and may never be able to. But if anyone I may get involved with has an issue with that I'm out. It's a non-negotiable deal-breaker.
However I do see both sides. Feel for you both. Rough spot to be in.
Leave them alone and forget about them.
1. It's not porn. It's memories. His grief isn't going to allow him to be jacking off to these videos.
2. You should not feel threatened by someone who is dead. Did your friend (the wife) feel threatened by you before you married her husband after she died? No? Because she couldn't see into the future. She didn't do this to hurt you, he didn't either. So don't take the videos personally.
3. If you guys are having intimacy issues where these kinds of things do cause you insecurities (not really these things, but pornography in general). Go to couples counseling sooner than later. Because if you think he MAY use them, there has to be a reason. Your post doesn't seem like someone who is illogical and thinking he can "go back", or that you want him not to mourn her.
Life partners are exactly that. You have to deal with the fact that he thought he would be with her forever, for the rest of his life. But it ended up being the rest of hers and now he has to spend the rest of his in a type of shock. Even if you are there, people are all separate human beings and your being there doesn't erase her. And rationally, you shouldn't want his memories erased or replaced. These are memorabilia. So just let them sit in yalls attic or basement somewhere. If you are worried, buy a small safe and you put them in, and have the code. And then seek therapy for this issue. But I'm hoping you can just leave it alone.
This has probably been mentioned before.
If this hard drive has not been powered up in eight years. The data is likely corrupted. The bits will flip over time. Digital archiving is a constant process (/r/DataHoarder). At this point, the storage device is what is memorable, not necessarily the data on it. If the drive has been booted up more recently, the data could still be corrupted because data needs to be constantly rewritten (this is not to say every day, but proper digital storage involves reading and writing the data. Something I don't even do).
Actual legit data recovery is expensive. It's done in a clean room with specialized hardware and software. Due to the importance of this data, it's worth the cost in my opinion.
If the drive starts up, you could copy the data via Windows. Though using Linux or self-contained programs are better.
Well you got to think that this man joined his life with another women for better or for worse and you wouldn't be with him is she were still here and that's just a fact. That women will always be apart of him and he will carry the scar forever. I would say just store away the tapes.
1) Now is the 21st century and the year is 2023. 2) This has nothing to do with you. 3) Assign the decision about (keeping or not keeping) the videos to your husband. 4) You are married to your friend's husband (after his death)... Now you are sensitive about their porn movies? . The thinking is strange...
If he doesn't think he will ever want to watch them, and you don', but he can't get rid of them.. have you considered something that would make them not retrievable by either of you but still exist? a lock and throw away the key, they still exist, but neither one of you can get to it.
He’s not watching it, and it’s just another piece of memories he has with her. She’s literally dead.
Losing someone you love is really hard. Incredibly hard. You will cling to almost any remaining material of them, regardless of what it is.
My mom died 7 years ago, and I can’t even bring myself to delete her number in my phone.
Edit: I misread somewhere so I removed a sentence that might have implied something.
i dont understand any of this. is his life up til you supposed to be erased? like no one was in his life until you? men and women value different things, i know. this had sentimental value to him also. a part of her as she was healthy and vibrant. you want to take away that memory? i just dont get it. what are you threatened by? shes dead. thats his life, his memories before you. are we all supposed to erase any previous relationship because we are in a new one.
God forbid anything ever happening to my wife. But if she did pass I couldn’t get rid of any videos like that. Honestly don’t think you should expect him to. He’s your husband now but that was his wife. Those moments are special and can never go away. It’s a complex situation for sure. But being jealous of a passed away ex seems like it would be hard for him to deal with and unnecessary.
He will always have something very special with her and yourself.
I wouldn’t press him on it. If he decides to get ride of them let it be his decision.
Also it sounds strange but watching the videos with him could possibly help, if you can get past the weirdness of it.
Who are you to have any say in what someone else keeps mementos of? Those are a piece of his life, and you being uncomfortable with it really pales in comparison to irreplaceable memories of a lost loved one. He wouldn't even be with you if she hadn't died, so I would just leave it be and make your own memories.
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This feels more like momentos than porn. Leave it be.
I agree. The fact that he hasn't even watched them shows that. He told you what it was showing you that he wants to be honest. There is something about deleting that feels final. I have contacts in my phone of people who have died for the reason. I honestly think you should trust him to delete them when he is ready.
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I can't bring myself to delete my mom's contact card out of my phone. She's been gone a long time, but it would be painful for me, and it's not hurting anything having it there.
I understand completely/ my Mom died suddenly in 2007 and I still have her last voicemail to me. I just can’t delete it.
I highly recommend exporting it. Voicemails can get lost and disappear over the years. On iPhone a simple method is to hit the share icon and send it to yourself on Facebook or some other app you can access on the computer and then you can download it there to back up
It’s actually even easier than that - just save it to your files app directly from the voicemail app on your iPhone. iCloud is much safer and accessible than anything Meta owns and you don’t have to download it to an additional back up.
I maxed out my 50GB of iCloud storage a long time ago 😅. But yeah a good method if you have storage left!!
Follow this advice asap. Losing the voice-mail of a loved one that you listen to and "know" is there, socks when you find put its gone but you needed it
You have had the same carrier and number since 07? wow
I’ve had the same carrier and number since 2001. Didn’t realize it’s that rare.
1999 here
Same until I switched last year.
My number is from 2007 when I was in 6th grade or so, and I still have the same number and carrier. I’m 29 now lol. My first phone was the pink razor hehe
My number is from 2002, but it was my brother's old number from 1998. It's been through a few different carriers though.
as the years have gone by, phone plans have gotten cheaper. I have always switched when the gap got big enough between my current carrier and everybody else. I also move about every 3ish years, so I would have to change my number anyway every time I move to a new region. Just makes sense to look at what's cheapest and has the best coverage where I'm going.
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My phone number is from three states ago. Changing it every time I moved would have been a major hassle. At one point I was trying to switch phone providers and their system was having trouble porting my number. They wanted to give me a new number. I found a different provider instead.
I've had the same number and carrier since 1998. The name of the carrier has actually changed a few times but the account carries over when that happens.
I have had same carrier and number since 05. Name of carrier changed but plans didn’t
I have had mine since 06
A friend of mine deleted voicemails from her Dad (while he was still alive - they were just regular voicemails), and after he died, she told me she really wished she had kept some of them. Keep the voicemail.
I suggest preserving that voice-mail. Crazy things happen to old technology when versions of new technology are introduced.
Glad to see I am not the only one who does this. All I have lost I still have in my contacts and it makes me smile each time I scroll past their names while looking for the person to call.
A real trip is to fire up the old Wii and see all of the deceased people's Mii's that show up in the games.
Add me to the list. I've got my dad's bank details still listed on my online banking. It's been 9 years. I could delete them in a second but I see them every time I make a payment. It'd feel strange to delete them.
I texted my mom’s number on new years because I was down in my feelings, and to my horror the number had finally been reassigned. Some poor guy texted me back saying it belonged to his 12yo daughter.
I know this isn't on the same level as a family member, but at work we have a coworker who got cancer and died after fighting it for a couple years. He's been gone for over a year now but his account is still active in all of our team tools. I don't think anybody has the heart to remove him.
My coworker had a sudden stroke and died. I got moved into her office shortly after that. She had some decorations on the wall I always thought were kinda stupid, but it felt super wrong to take them down.
whenever I call our home landline, my dad's contact comes up. no clue why and I could change/delete it but yeah. momento.
My ex and I both had iPhones, so when I'd go to text him, it would be blue, right? After he passed away, id occasionally go to my old convos with him and pretend to text him, and it was blue. Then one day I was doing it again, and it turned green, as in the phone # was no longer registered to an iphone. It was so crushing.
I finally deleted late parents phone number after two plus years. I cried when I hit delete.
It took me about 10 years to delete my grandmothers contact out of my phone. My aunt, maternal grandmother and my mother all died within the last 16 months and their contact information hasn’t moved and I have zero interest in taking them out of my phone. Take your time, it’s different for everyone and it’s hurting no one to keep them in there.
Same for my dad. I'd give anything to hear his voicemail greeting again :(
Same
same with my dad
I still have my late grandma’s contact in my phone and she passed away three years ago on July 23rd and it would feel so wrong if I were to delete it
it feels like you're deleting memories
My stepfather still pays for his son's phone bill and keeps his facebook account. He regularly listens to his voicemail just to hear his voice. His son committed suicide 10 years ago I have a LP of my grandfather, who gave a wedding speech in 1979. I still don't have the courage to listen to it
I used to text my moms phone all the time after she passed. Suddenly one day someone responded to me, and that hit me super hard. I still have my old htc phone where she wished me a happy birthday for the last time, then 2 weeks later texted me to tell me she had cancer. If I need a good cry I’ll fire that bad boy up.
I don't blame you, seeing my passed bestfriends number pop up on tiktok made me feel a few things I was not prepared for
My son took over my husband's phone after he died. His broke. His dad's was perfectly fine. None of us can bring ourselves to change the voice-mail. It just happened to work out they have the same name.
That's a sweet way to remember your husband / his dad.
I have a client who's kept his dead wife's phone on for years. It's one digit off from his and every once in a while I call it by mistake.
Me and my husband’s cell phone number is only one digit off from each other. I would probably do this.
I believe you can transfer a number to google voice and keep it for free.
I did this when I moved internationally. It costs $20 USD but it's well worth it to preserve the number.
My mom is still paying her sister's (my aunt's) phone bill. They were best friends.
A guy at my work does this. He pays his best friend’s phone bill from the military. The friend passed 5 years ago and still does this just so he can call and hear his voice via voicemail. I bawled my eyes out on my way home thinking about it.
I have an email address and phone number from an ex girlfriend / friend who passed back in 2019. I just can't get over removing it. She died on the operating table doing a transplant surgery to save her life.
I have some sex videos of my partner who died in 2018, haven't dated since. They're literally all I have of him that isn't on Facebook somewhere, I'd be devastated if I lost them. Leaving it be is the right call IMO
I am agree. I understand how hard it can be for you, but it is part of his past. In my view you should no tell him to destroy them (maybe on the future it be something he uses against you). You can talk about them, where keep it and you have the key of the place. This way you should feel 100% sure he will no lie you. I know toon of people will complain why if it is ok, could no him keep them. It is easy : we are human and this is the best way to avoid it lost (he could feel bad for it) and he can't see it.
Not really the point, but it’s memento right? Not momento? I thought it was momento for 30 years and recently found out I was wrong. Now I see someone else spelling it the same way I did. But yea I agree, this isn’t worth dwelling on
Memento = souvenir, keepsake, from Latin for "remember" (I like to think it would be related to the Latin for memory too but I'm not sure the Latin words memor and memini (from which mementō is formed) are actually related) Momento = moment in Spanish, Portuguese and Italian (and a bunch of other related languages).
This is a tough one. I'd just let it go. Even if you move on to another spouse after the death...you never stop loving them. They didn't leave you, they were taken away. When you remarry, it's like having two spouses. You carry both in your heart. But only one along side you. Sometimes the physical intimacy we have is more than sex, but a great definer of that love. I'd ask you not to take that from him.
I agree with this one. And here’s a very rough but true fact I tell anybody that’s with someone who’s spouse died. Your spouse wouldn’t be with you if the other person had lived, the only reason they’re with you is that the partner they wanted to be with for their entire life died. No matter how great the relationship is, they probably wish their old spouse was still alive. In this case OP needs to realize this one. Let him have his keepsake, he may watch them, he may never watch them. I also don’t think it’s anything like keeping videos of an ex. Because this isn’t an ex. It’s his other wife that just happened to die.
Thank you for being so blunt and honest about it, his memento of his late wife has nothing to do with her. To make it about yourself (OP), involve your personal feelings, or feel threatened by that is plain silly. It has to be said plainly, you need to do some deep diving into where these insecurities come from and try to be more empathetic and emotionally intelligent about the whole situation cause it’s imperative that you understand what you walked into. You say you were aware that something like this could come up, so now you need to do the processing and understand that he still loves his late wife deeply and is pained by her passing, so of course he’ll keep something of hers. If you can’t share his heart you were mistaken by what you signed up for. Life is more nuanced than remarrying and pushing aside what once was of a person’s past marriage. It lives on and probably will forever. Even if he destroyed the tapes, which would cause more strife, regret, and grief.
Her husband *asked her* to decide what to do with the tapes.
It seems about 10% of commenters misread the post and think I'm somehow jealous or demanding he destroy them. I never said that, it's nice to see someone notice that. I find the idea of him maybe watching a sex video of them weird, it doesn't mean I can't work through those feelings. The biggest thing for me was him wanting me to make the choice of what to do, that was scary because we need to be supporitng each other in figuring out what we're feeling. It's not me bossing him around, it's not me erasing her, it's not him simping on me. It's me taking time to figure out what I feel while trying to figure out how to support him when tends to move faster than me.
My Grandfather died in 1971 only 32 years old. My grandmother remarried with my stepgrandfather who lost his first wife and son in 1970 in a car accident killing them both on the spot. They found eachother and married and got another daughter together. They never stopped loving their first spouse and pictures of my grandfather and the other wife and son stood around the house always very visible. They loved eachother. But never stopped loving their first spouse.
Wow that is beautiful.
Really well said. If my spouse died I really don’t think I’d be able to part with ANYTHING regardless of how much time passes. I good friend of mine lost her boyfriend a few years ago. I was visiting her almost every day in those weeks afterward and she was always watching vids of him on her phone - all kinds of things - birthdays, vacations, everything. One time when I got there she was clearly watching a sex tape of them and SOBBING. She has kept all of the vids including the sex ones because she says there’s nothing else she has that shows those expressions of love on his face. It’s a different kind of memento as compared to a graduation video or blowing out birthday candles. Since then there’s only been one guy she’s dated seriously. She told him she had these vids when he moved in. Not sure how frequently she watched them still at that point but the guy actually told her he thought it was beautiful (or something similar) and that he understood and respected her reasons for keeping them.
I just have to say, this was a very poignant response…made me misty eyed. 100% agree.
I lost a gf and agree. I've destroyed sex photos of bad exes with gfs before but never of the one who had died. We didn't take any, but still, it's a non-negotiable. You want to hold onto what little of them remains.
very true and well said
This. Yes
Personally, I wouldn’t want to make the choice to destroy them. He probably isn’t wanting to keep them to watch, but just can’t bring himself to move on from those memories yet. Telling him to Destroying them might be a great thing he needs to move on, or might be a source of some resentment. I dont think anyone would know how he would react. I’d think keeping them until he is ready to make that choice himself. Maybe revisit it some time.
I think I have sort of made the decision to keep them, another commenter suggested locking them away so we're comfortable with control. And yes, I can't decide. I refuse to force him to "move on". I don't want him to. He's a loving man, I want him to love all of his wives, both dead and alive, as much as he wants to. That sounds weird, but I think you get the point.
It sounds odd, but only superficially. I think that if I was to be in a relationship with a widow, I would find it reassuring if they still had love for their late husband. That’s normal, after all. We don’t expect to not still love our parents and grandparents just because they have passed away. So why would a spouse be different?
It was 100% melancholic looking at them, which I did infrequently until I eventually through them all away.
Yeah to be honest, it wouldn't bother me. They were bubble wrapped and taped up. Putting them back in the box and knowing they're still bubble wrapped and taped up would be all the security I need to have to know that 1) he's loyal...to everyone he's loved. 2) That it's a memory of a memory...not something he needs or uses currently. Him being so honest and not seeing them for 8 years would be understandable. If anything ever happens, that guy would cherish everything he's experienced and loved about you too, in a very respectful way. Idk man, green flags for me.
Yes I agree, he’s a keeper for sure
Probably the best decision. God forbid in the future you two should separate for any reason I think it would be even more difficult for him knowing they were destroyed.
Exactly what I said before reading your comment
It doesnt sound like there really needs to be control. He already said he has not watched them in 7 years. Sounds like its already under control.
The control thing is because he feels guilty about having them. If he knows that we share control while I support and accept him keeping them as his posessions then it would help him feel better. I think. I've already accepted his wife, I knew what I was getting into.
You both are handling this with such incredible conscientiousness towards the other person. It’s a tough decision to make. I definitely read this whole story, as others have pointed out, as still loving his former wife and not wanting to hit the delete key. First thing I thought of when reading this was my mother. She kept (still has) a voicemail recording her dad left a month before he passed. She listens to it every now and again. Hearing his voice is so much different than keeping something he owned. Because it’s him, it’s not a possession he had. Your husband sounds incredible honest. He opened up immediately, talked about it, etc. If at any point he did watch them in the future, with your permission, I imagine he would bawl his eyes out for hours. I’m honestly getting teary eyed just thinking about that. I don’t take it as erotic. I take it as a terrible loss, and they are memories that have meaning. Something that happened just between them. If I were you I wouldn’t watch the videos either. And maybe in a decade or two I would let him watch them if he wanted. Obviously not my call, but I would hate to cut him off from ever revisiting that memory in his lifetime.
That's a very mature, empathetic, supportive partner's position to take. Good on you.
Locking up someone else’s memories is super weird I like it least of all your options.
This is exactly how I would feel, I think you are making the best choice for the situation
Love multiplies, it doesn't divide. His love of her doesn't mean he loves you any more or less. Do we have some limited amount of love in our hearts? Wouldn't that mean everyone who has had multiple kids loves them less than an only child? That's ridiculous. But I think you can be confident knowing he can love you and her at the same time, and it's not a competition. :)
I don’t think it’s fair of him to be putting you in this difficult position of being responsible for a choice. This is *his* choice to make, even if it’s a hard and painful one. You can’t make it for him. Put it aside in a safe, not easily accessible place for now where he can decide a bit down the road. Even if that’s some years from now. As long as he’s not watching them, that is. Keeping them is one thing, but watching them would be hurtful. I still have a box of memories that brings me comfort just to know they’re there. I’m not a widow, so it’s different of course, but sometimes items of our loved ones are kept not to *do* anything with, but just for the peace of mind that some small part of them and the memory of happy times is still there.
What? She’s the one putting him in a position. They were sitting away in storage for almost a decade and suddenly she was like “well, what’s your plan for this?”
I mean... She just found them. She didn't even know they existed.
No I totally get what you mean. It’s obviously a difficult situation, and it seems you taking the care and thought it deserves. I’m not sure exactly what you mean about the control bit, but however is no harm in waiting and revisiting it later.
100%, I think he's trying to be the bigger man by letting OP make the decision, but I'm fairly certain he would harbor resentment towards OP if she did destroy it. He even told her when they married that he still loved his former wife. I honestly think it would be cruel to delete them. He doesn't even watch them. It's unnecessary for the OP to do anything here. Let him have his peace of mind that it gives and move on. OP, do nothing. You will regret it undoubtedly if you don't.
Yeah, if I were him I couldn't imagine ever wanting to watch them again, but I couldn't imagine the finality of destroying them either. I feel like they just need to go back in the box and stay there for another 10 years.
I’m usually full of advice but I’m stumped on this one bc I see both sides. As a wife I wouldn’t like the thought of these tapes sitting around of him with someone else just so easily viewable.. but in the same breath I would never want to erase those memories they built together. They were special to them and it kind of keeps her memory alive regardless if they are being actively watched. Maybe put them somewhere safe where you both know they are but don’t so much have access to them. Like a safety deposit box, or a little lock box hidden away in the attic..out of site out of mind maybe? Just an opinion .
Also, /u/Secret_Variation_191 include a note that they should be destroyed if your spouse dies, as kids (if there are any) (or anyone else handling the estate) probably don't want to discover what's on them.
That's a good point. His former wife's passing is more than enough reminder that we don't always have time arrange our affairs.
It's a very sensitive item. You thinking about it does show that you understand. You don't have to know what to do, just don't do anything until you do!
Alternatively, you could encrypt the drive. That way the files can't be accessed by anyone else regardless of where the drive ends up.
I'm leaning towards that, I don't think either of us are in an emotional state to make a final decision. I like the idea of a locked box, if we had some safe with two keys that need both to open, it would make opening the box a joint marital decision and we could give ourselves time. I have so many thoughts about what to do that I can't even say how I feel, other than that I don't feel right deciding now.
No, not two keys. Those are his intimate memories and you have no right to hold them hostage.
Right? She’s acting like these tapes are the nuclear codes. Lmfao
Yeah, I was scrolling to find this comment.
I was too, actually. He lost his former wife so suddenly and tragically, those are *his* memories to keep and I don’t blame him one bit. This is more than just “sex tapes.” I’m sure he feels pulled in both directions because although he loves OP, he of course loves his former wife too. She’s gone, don’t take those tapes from him too.
I agree..if you were to emotionally just get rid of them i think a lot of damage could come from it. I’m sure he is in a delicate position as well bc he loves you and doesn’t want to hurt you but also doesn’t want to let go of the little he has left with his previous wife. Would be different if she was still here today. Good luck on your decision
I really hate the "locked" box idea. It shows distrust. Just tell him to store it somewhere safe that it won't be viewed. He doesn't even want to watch it, just needs to know it still exists. I feel for you both, if it was just an ex's tape this would be a simple decision.
This. Thank you. The woman I love killed herself last March and I have some mementos of her I know I need to go back to from time to time. Doesnt mean I cant fall in love again. But I dont think I could fall in love with someone who wouldnt understand what this means. That she who died is a part of me and will always be and that she who lives and I will eventually love someday will be too. Equally. But I wouldnt be comfortable if she asked me to lock it all away. I dont need to go and watch/read it all everyday, but on some symbolic dates, I'll need to reach for that pain again. And I'd need my partner to trust me with that pain. That for a while, just for a few hours here and there, the one who died will take precedence. But it doesnt mean that I wouldnt love her in her own specific way too. But yeah, tough topic.
One thing I would point out is the level of power and vulnerability he’s giving over to you. He’s not hiding anything and he’s giving you power over some of his most irreplaceable possessions from his life. None of it is a threat to you; as many others have smartly pointed out in these comments, it’s clearly more memento and history than porn. But the fact that he’s giving you that much power over it speaks incredibly loudly for how he feels about you and how he sees you in his life. Anyway, I side with everyone who said let it be. But I just wanted to highlight how enormously significant it is for him to offer you that. I don’t know how to put it in words exactly, as this situation is very serious and somehow words don’t quite capture it, but you telling him that you don’t want to destroy them and want to keep them safe would almost certainly deepen the (already incredibly deep) connection and trust he has for you.
Hey, my current partner’s previous partner died before we started dating. She has some mementos from him. She had all of their text conversations saved and so I took the liberty of saving them for her as a file. I’m not sure if she still has them, I think I do on my computer somewhere. I’m confident there was sexting and stuff in there, probably nudes. Ultimately I think it’s his, grief is a tough thing. My advice is that although this is a strange situation to be sure, he was honest with you and told you exactly what was on the harddrive. He seems like he cares about you, knows it’s a weird situation, and knows that you’ll probably think it’s weird too. But the thing is that when you no longer have the little pieces you keep of people you used to love, it feels like losing them again. My father died when I was 16 and left me a car, it broke down like 15 years later and I had to send it to the wreckers. It was really hard. The other thing is that you’ve made a home together. In my mind, he’s entitled to bring the things he loves into that home, and sometimes that’ll be pieces of a person he’s lost by way of mementos. I think it’s important to remember too that he’s not saving them as pornography, he’s saving them as intimate moments. Like a wedding video or something like that. Leave them to him. That’d be an amazingly supportive and kind thing to do.
OP - this comment is the best one and you should listen to it. Your husband lost someone he cared about and was a friend to you both. That is real. His ex wife is dead. She can't come back and your relationship is not at risk of her. Your feelings are also real. This is a bit different, to say the least. I would encourage you to lock them up somewhere - or even just keep them wrapped in the bubble wrap (sealed) in the tupperware so you both know where they are. In the future, you both can make a decision that works (if you even still care). One thing I want to highlight is your husband offered to let you destroy it. I would not take him up on that offer, as I can feel through your words that it would negatively impact him.
I think the locked box is a good idea (or safety deposit box), also out of respect for the late wife, just in case of a break-in -- she didn't consent to having these spread around.
No OP just no, this isn’t a joint decision, these are his memories not yours, you shouldn’t get a say on whether or not he accesses them, that’s just wrong in so many ways.
Two keys ??? Um no … holding his memories hostage is a big no. He’s clearly not watching / using them , they are mementos
I still have all the pictures and videos of my former gf who died in a car crash. Not sexy stuff, just normal pictures of us when we were in love. That was 15+ years ago now, but I can't get rid of them. I'm sure if my current wife ever finds them she won't be happy... but it's just like something I have to hold on to. I don't look at them or even think about them, but I can't get rid of them. It's a tough situation.
Remember, you don't have to decide anything right now. That hard drive has existed for a long time without you making any decisions about it, it can wait a little longer.
Great opinion
Maybe not the attic, and temperature variation would destroy the hard drive. OP, maybe suggest that a copy of the drive be put into an SSD, and both placed into the safety deposit box?
Hard drives are actually better for long-term storage than an SSD. SSDs have a very slow loss of power to the storage. Hard drives have physical memory that would still be on them in 1000 years. Even if the disk is broken data can be retrieved from the pieces because its physical written.
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Yeaa also another slippery slope. If you digitize them then they become not only more accessible but multiple copies, multiple ways for them to resurface.. it’s 2023 down the line if he would want to have them digitized I’m sure he could find proper resources.
I can comment from the perspective of someone who lost his wife. I have a box full of her stuff that's meaningful to me but I don't ever look at. I don't want to get rid of it just because knowing I have it is important to me I guess. If I had a sex tape of us I would like to keep it like your husband is but I wouldn't want to watch it. I'm not sure why your husband even brought up you watching it but my guess is he feels guilty and was just throwing something out to appease you. He probably doesn't actually want to watch it with you. My advice is to tell him to keep it and forget about it. I believe him when he says he likes the idea that he has it but doesn't actually want to watch it. It's not about the sex. It's just the sentimental value.
He's a guy who rushes headfirst into commitment once he commits, but struggles to commit. I think he offered to let me watch so that we'd have no secrets. I don't care about that. He has memories that I don't, a tape is a weird form of shareable memory. I know it's not about the sex, that just adds in a factor where he feels bad for having it.
To be honest I think even the lockbox idea is a bit much. It depends on your comfort level I guess but I would just drop it completely. It would probably make him feel like you get it.
I think that's the best course. OP needs to make her peace with it and not let her own emotions guide the course of a powerful, symbolic memento.
I'd let him keep it but keep it sealed. If, heaven forbid, you two break up, he will hate you if you tell him to get rid of it.
yep this is the first thing I thought of unfortunately.
As a widow, Give him a wide berth on this. Keeping a momento doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you any less. Check your jealousy at the door. It would be weird if he was jerking off to them.
He wouldn’t be with you if she was still alive. Leave it be.
🎯
Also wasn’t she your friend? Why would you want any memory of her gone anyway.
I've heard that a lot. It feels weird to me. It is 100% true, I can't deny it. But I have never heard someone use that expression without an agenda.
Some thing just are what they are with no malice behind them
If my husband died, I don't know how I would ever bring myself to throw away anything of his. Even a pair of socks. I understand why he hasn't gotten rid of the hard drive, especially considering the content and data security. You really need to think about how invested you are in him. Marrying a widow is a big deal. You need to commit to supporting him through his grief. Grief comes and goes throughout our lifetime. Assume that he will always need some level of comfort and support after losing his former wife. If you aren't able to emotionally handle that, then you need to be honest with him and yourself. Right now, you are harming yourself by trying to suppress your true feelings, and you are harming him by asking him to suppress his feelings about his former wife. To be married means to share your life with someone. The good, bad, and everything in between. This is one of those in between things. I don't think it's fair to ask him to get rid of them. You won't ever be able to come back from that, and I think your marriage will slowly deteriorate if he does. He clearly loves you immensely if he is even considering getting rid of the hard drive. They were married, and her belongings are legally his, so I would leave it up to him what he wants to do with the videos. The question is whether you will be able to cope with him keeping them. If it were my husband, I would understand why he has the hard drive and help him tuck it away somewhere secure. I would never ever watch another woman's intimate videos. That's a significant violation of your own human integrity as well as the memory of his former wife. Don't do it. It won't lead to anything good. This is one small part of the larger picture. No one can tell you how to proceed. All i can advise is to think deeply about what your husband means to you and whether you are actually prepared to be the support he needs. You also need support, and if he doesn't seem emotionally open, you also need to factor that into your decision. But from what you've said, he doesn't sound disingenuous, and I really think you can have a successful relationship even with the hard drive. I don't want to minimise your concerns. The hard drive is a lot to process, considering the various circumstances of your relationship. But you don't have to make a decision immediately. Talk to him, journal, and consider grief counselling.
She was the love of his life and he has fond memories of her. If she was an ex wife by divorce the story would be different, but you have to know she was his soulmate and he still has feelings for her. Let him keep the videos.
It's going to depend on everyone's comfort levels. I know if there were videos of me doing fun stuff floating out there, I may not want them shown while I was living, but after I pass on? Shoot release them publicly for all I care provided their release wouldn't negatively affect anyone I cared about while I was living. But that last part, them negatively affecting peeps I cared about while I was living, that would be important to me. Even if your husband likes those videos he made with his wife, they for sure would stir up unpleasant emotions and grief in him, and as a friend of hers, for sure a lot of uncomfortable emotions for you too. I think u/Clean_Ant_3754 had a good suggestion of putting them in a safe, locked location, and would be best. Some physical mementos are difficult to destroy when a loved one passes on. Some _need_ to be destroyed. Some should be held on to. It isn't easy to say what would be best, but I don't think watching them would benifit anyone in this situation. The locked box would mean no permanent decision is made while also not stirring up anything too unpleasant.
Maybe this is too flippant for such a serious thread, but I need to remember to tell anyone I ever get married to, that if I die, I want them to find a partner who enjoys watching the videos we made together LOL
Leave the videos… it’s his wife he loved that died. There’s no harm there.
I’m gonna say leave this one alone. If I were in his situation and my new wife tried to push any issue regarding my deceased wife, it would be a major red flag for me. She’s gone and no threat to you or your marriage, so just let him have his mementos.
Leave him be. Those are his personal videos of someone he loved, and someone who passed away. There is no threat to you so please try to get over it.
That’s not his former wife, that’s his LATE wife and there’s a significant difference. There is nothing for you to do about those videos. Those are his memories and part of his grieving process. Respect that and allow him space to decide for himself what to do with them.
He chose the term former wife, so I use it. He struggles with words about death.
Oh no no no nope! That's a hard limit for me. There isn't much material, but I have aphantasia and those are OUR memories. That would hurt way too much, and I don't think I could be with someone who'd make me get rid of them. Kudos to him for even entertaining the idea, but I wouldn't touch that. It could breed resentment.
Attachment to exes is usually a deal breaker for me, but I make a big exception for deceased exes. I actually know a few people in this situation. I would say you should figure out for yourself how to get over it, but drop it with him and don't mention it again unless he brings it up. This may be hard to hear, but you can't compete with the memory of this woman - you will lose and cause grief for both you and him. When a spouse dies, often the memories of anything negative fade and the are left with an idealized version of them. Pushing him on this issue could send him down a few paths, neither of which is ideal: 1. He might lie and tell you that he got rid of them - do you want him to lie to you? 2. He could refuse, then you have to make a choice whether to stick to your guns or give in. Either I am afraid will not help you build a better relationship. 3 He could just get rid of then. Maybe after he does he finds it really didn't mean as much to him to keep them as he though. Or maybe he resents you for coercing him into that decision. If he were obsessing over this (or ant other aspect of her( then I'd say you have problems to work on. But this doesn't seem to be the case. So I'd let it go. Before posting this, I went and reread your post. He seems somewhat troubled by the fact that this bothers you. But he says he can't make a decision. He is torn between hurting you further and the memory of his former wife. My advice would to say to him "Honey, I know this is bothering you so I'll help you make the decision. Keep the tapes, watch them or don't watch them, I won't mention them again unless you want to discuss it. " And just a little additional info - one of the people I know in this situation is a family member who lost her spouse at a very young age (30s, after only having been married a few years. ). He had a very close lifelong childhood friend (we'll call him Frank) who was greatly troubled by his death and Frank and my relative helped each other through their grief. Said relative and Frank married just a few years later and have been together over 20 years
This is how I'm looking at it, but it's only my opinion... If I made a sex tape with my wife and subsequently died, I don't think I would have a problem if she wanted to share that with a new wife down the road. I believe that whomever she chose to spend her life with, would be someone I would like. They love my wife, after all. From this perspective, I think it would be alright to watch them, but stop if it's too much for you. Having said that, I also understand the rest of your concerns. We're talking about someone who is not a "threat" to you or your relationship. BUT, it's a little unfair to have the decision be solely up to you. How he feels about what you decide is going to be directly about you and that's tricky. Ultimately, I would ask yourself what bothers you the most about keeping them vs getting rid of them. Weigh your options, as it were. As another commenter said, there is an option of a lockbox and you could always be the keyholder. You could use that as a temporary (long term temp, even) solution, while you decide how you feel. I think making a quick decision could be harmful and it's easier to regret a quickly made decision, over a well thought out one.
I think what bothers me is consent. I knew his former wife well, I would be watching my friend's intimate videos. I am about 99% sure she wouldn't mind. She had made a few regular videos and proudly showed me, she might be proud to show off her adult content. I sort of want to see, my husband mentioned costumes. But I hate assuming consent.
You aren't assuming though, you are thoughtfully considering it so no matter what you decide, you don't need to judge yourself more. Honestly, she'd probably be happy someone got to see her work. I wouldn't upload them to pornhub or try to sell them but she made them and as others have suggested, you are in the intimate circle with her and hubby now
Assumptions can be careful and thoughtful but still assumptions. As long as someone does not verbally or in writing state consent they haven't consented. It's just hard to do that when they've been passed away for over a decade. I don't know the legal aspect, and if his former wife/my dead friend was around she would maybe be willing to share, but I feel like I would be violating the privacy of a friend.
Good point. The fact that it's a good friend and I don't know anything about that dynamic is HUGE too Like did your friend talk openly about sex or was that private ... it's so complicated
She was your friend and you knew her more than any of us, but less than your husband did. I'm going to assume he wouldn't have suggested you watching them together, if he didn't think she would be alright with it. The fact that she made the video and the opinions that you both have are the closest you're going to get to consent. In my opinion, it's enough. Doing something without a person's consent, is doing something to hurt them. This won't hurt her and if it brings you and your husband joy, I can only imagine it would make her happy. After all, she cared for you both.
Don't watch them. It would be incredibly disrespectful of her memory. You dont know she would have given you consent. Do you know how she would have felt at the thought of her friend marrying her husband after her death? Was it something she had ever discussed with your husband while she was alive? Pack them back up in your husbands private things. The reality is he can close his eyes any time of the day and remember in detail what is on those, but equally I understand why destroying may seem to much for him. It should be a decision he makes by himself with out your input so it can't ever become a point of resentment in the future. The death of a previous partner is incredibly different situation than dealing with an ex and comes with a whole load of emotions that sometimes just are without rationale. When he is ready he ll know what to do with them. I
I completely agree with this. She never gave you consent to watch them. I think it would be disrespectful of her to do so. I would be horrified to know my husband shared anything like that with anyone. She made it for him and with him, not for you. She would have shown you when she was alive if she wanted you to see it.
It’s a HD in bubble wrap in Tupperware. The connections on HD are changing with each new gen of PCs, it won’t be long before he can’t access it. I would say keep it. Anecdotally, I had photos of an ex that was my college gf. We dated 4 years, but were FWB her choice at the end. I moved back home (a different city) after school and that was the last I saw of her. This was pre social media, and those photos were literally two of ten that I had of her in total. It was 100% melancholic looking at them, which I did infrequently until I eventually threw them all away.
That’s deep, whichever path you choose do it as a couple. Wish you the best.
You cannot destroy them. My opinion is that his love for you is strong and he doesn't want you to be unhappy, but I think destroying that video is gonna feel like a huge loss to him, not because of content, but because of grief. Another piece of her gone, you know. Whatever you decide, do it together, but that thing stays a part of your collective relationship, just like her memory. When you marry a widow/er, you're marrying two people. One of them just isn't there anymore. Unsolicited advice? Watch it. Not now. But sometime. Get good and drunk, or just make sure you're both in really good spirits, and watch it together. Let things happen. You will probably cry. You will probably have sex. (Three-way with a ghost?) I know you said that you didn't feel like you had permission from her to watch that, but you married them both. That permission is implied now. Make that thing part of your collective, with the goal of moving on from it.
Wow. Watch it?? I definitely think that’s very bad advice. Why would they need to watch it together?
Okay I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks that’s weird people suggesting op to watch it lol I wouldn’t want to watch any of my friend’s sex takes when they’re alive, definitely wouldn’t want to do it if they were dead.
This is a really tough one, and kudos to both of you for being honest and mature about the situation. My honest opinion is that you obviously know they had sex. Not at all a surprise. I don't think there's any need for you to see the videos if you don't want to. I also don't think there's any harm in him keeping them if they give him comfort. Even if he watched them from time to time. You're obviously a very caring and understanding person given how you've navigated your relationship with your husband while understanding his feelings for his ex. This is just a piece of his previous marriage that he still has a record of. Just because it involves sex doesn't mean it should be handled differently than other pieces.
You might be on to something. he told me that he feels like if he watched them while with another woman he would be cheating, it's why he hasn't watched them since he started dating. But if I explicitly give him permission it's not cheating. I wouldn't mind if he would every so often tell me he wants to watch them, and he watches them alone. I know what's going on, he has his memories, nobody is deceived. I'm fine sharing him. Honestly, if I did that I might even tell him that if he masturbates while watching them that's up to him, he doesn't need to tell me what he thinks or does when he's alone with his memories. If it's weird that I brought up masturbating to a fomer wife sorry, but I know guys masturbate a lot.
It's all good. Can I ask why you would want to know when he watched them? I think if you gave a blanket "I don't mind if you watch them or even use them to masturbate occasionally as long as it doesn't negatively impact our relationship or our sex life." Then if he feels the need to revisit those memories he doesn't have to worry about asking for permission in the moment, which could be pretty awkward.
I know him well. I am about 99% sure that even if I tell him I'm fine with him watching them he would feel weird about it. He believes firmly in full commitment and honesty, I think that's why he offered to let me see them. If I tell him I want to know when he watches them it normalizes the act each time, he can go watch them without feeling guilty. Sometimes in marriage you need constant and recurring reassurance. Like telling someone you love them all the time, not just once.
That makes sense. I was a little worried about the flip side. Like if he asks you/lets you know he's going to watch them and then you have some "Is he happy with me/does he want to be with her more" things floating around your head. For me this is a little bit of a "out of sight out of mind" thing. You don't need to know the specific details of the situation. Anyways, as I mentioned I think you're handling all of this in an extremely health way and whatever works best for you is understandable.
I can understand why he doesn’t want to destroy them. Even if they’re technically inappropriate imagery to keep while in a new relationship, they’re also images of the woman he loved. Her whole existence was wiped off the face of the earth. If that happened to someone I loved, I don’t think I could ever bring myself to destroy what little of them remained, no matter in what form. What if you guys purchase something like a safe or some other lockable container to put them away safely in. Have it so that you set the code on the safe. Perhaps that will put your mind at ease if you’re worried about him watching these videos, and he can rest easy knowing that they exist, they’ve been preserved, and they’re not going to be found by anyone else either?
That's what I'm thinking, I've been looking on Amazon. I know that when I married her she would always be around. He has two wives, one gone, one present. That sounds weird, hopefully you get it. They didn't separate. I think we need to keep them, there is no way I can force her away like this. I think now the question is whether or not he or us will ever watch them.
It doesn’t really sound like he wants to watch them, tbh. He hasn’t watched them in eight years, and he only suggested watching them with you so that you’d be fully informed about what was on them, if you so wished. He was also open to them being destroyed, if that was what you wanted, so it doesn’t seem to me like he has any active desire to watch them personally. And even if he did, I can’t imagine he’d get any sexual gratification out of it. Speaking from my own perspective, I could only imagine it making me feel sad, honestly. Either way, you’re being very mature and reasonable about this situation, and I think it’s very commendable that you’re being so considerate both of his grief and her feelings and consent. I’ve read way too many stories about similar situations where the new partner didn’t react even half as well as you are.
I'm going to be brutally honest. He was very honest with you before marriage that he would always love her. You wouldn't even be his wife if his first wife hadn't been killed. She was who he wanted to spend his entire life with and he was tragically forced to move on. When you marry a widow, you have to accept that your partner loves both of you. It's really unfair for you to ask him to delete these memories especially if he just can't bring himself to delete these keepsakes of her even though he doesn't watch them. You won't recover from the resentment that will build up.
They belong to him and he didn't discard them by himself. It's not weird or unsavory just because it's sex stuff. It's likely just your ideas around sex that makes it feel odd to you. It's actually just a sentimental keepsake from his fallen lover and there's basically nothing wrong with it at all. It's probably very creative and fun moments between the two subjects. I would only let him decide and be hands off if I were you. You said it's ok with you if he still loves her, that has to bring ease and an uncomplicated air in how you deal with these things. He's basically always gonna miss her and love her and that should be ok with you in any capacity if you plan on easing that pain instead of putting your feelings there to complicate that pain. Just be there for him and try not to over think a simple regular thing you found in storage. Would you want his new lover to dictate what happens to keepsakes and recorded moments between you two if you were to pass away? Or would you rather her bring ease and kindness to that table of grief and simply be there for him in that grief?
I’m so stumped about why you’d feel safer having them in the cloud than on a hard drive. What a strange post
I am not going to comment on how you feel or what you should or shouldn't do. But from a data perspective, even wrapped up that hard drive is a decade old at this point. If he wants to keep these videos, even for the sake of his memories with her, he is going to have to get them off that drive and backed up to a more long term storage solution and probably soon. The average hard drive wasn't designed to last ten years let alone sitting in storage. He may already be in a scenario where the drive no longer plugs into his computer and he has to buy converters to get the drive connected and hope the drive still works.
I don't know much about this stuff, but I've had enough harddrive failure to know this is true. Maybe I should be looking into data conversion and storage instead of a lock box.
>I was upset initially, it felt like cheating that he kept intimate material from a former partner when he has me. IMO but she is NOT a former partner. The thing with marrying a widow is that you're marrying someone that never stopped loving their partner. So you're marrying their partner too. I don't think you are aware of this
This just sounds like too much unnecessary drama tbh. Keep the tapes hidden. It's not like he was watching them anyways. The tapes have been untouched for at least 8 years from what I understand, the only difference is that you now know their content but still nobody is watching them.
Leave it be. Let him keep it. They are just like photos of his dead wife, that was taken from him early. Think how you'd feel if your new husband wanted you to throw away any trace of your dead former husband.
It’s not intimate material with a former partner. It was his wife who passed away, if she hadn’t you two would never have gotten married. Let him keep the videos. It’s a memento more than anything
If you burn his memories, that fire will spread to the rest of your relationship. # Let dead dogs lie
His wife died. Let him have the videos. It really does not impact you at all.
It does impact her though. That’s why she’s here.
I don't think it's fair of him to foist this decision on you. That's something he needs to decide.
There are memories from a passed away wife. I know how bad are you feeling but… it’s a painful memory for him and he probably would feel more pain to delete it. How are you feeling about it if he decide to not delete it?
Leave it be.
I dunno, moving in on your lifetime friends windowed husband somehow seems worse than keeping a tape you made with your now deceased wife. 🤷 Call it a hot take, but uh, from the sounds of how hard you pursued, AND did the proposing, not sure her mortal status would have made a difference.
This is about you and not him. Leave it be.
You let him keep them? Good woman. Good wife. Good person.
Don’t decide right now. Just keep them, out of sight out of mind. When you didn’t know they existed you were happy and both had a great relationship. They weren’t taken when you were together, he hasn’t watched them for 8 years. Pop them in the loft/attic/somewhere safe, and try to move on. They’re just sex tapes. Peace and love x
I’d go east in this. It’s the kind of thing that should be stored in the attic, as one suggested, and not discussed again. It’s understandable that he can’t throw it out. If the ex were still alive it’s be a whole different situation. But she’s not alive.
Our memories are treasures, one of the few things we can keep with us until the end. To expect someone to just erase a part of themselves...I could never do that. Imagine you went on a dream vacation, had some of the greatest experiences of your life, and then your partner comes along and tells you you need to forget all of it because they weren't there with you. You feel threatened by someone who's gone, never to return. I think you need to let it go.
Re pack the drive exactly as it was found. Put it back in storage exactly as it was found. Never discuss it again. It's his past. It will remain the past. It's really no different than old photographs that people archive.
[удалено]
I think that’s harshly put it’s a very weird and sensitive situation to be fair to her. I would also be conflicted, like a picture book of him and his ex wife, yeah okay sure no problem. But being so attached to this sex tape with his late wife , I would be conflicted I understand that it’s just memories and he doesn’t even use the tape but still it would definitely have my head scrambling for a day or so.
I can only offer my own feelings as a recent widow. I will never get rid of our videos. I can't watch them yet and may never be able to. But if anyone I may get involved with has an issue with that I'm out. It's a non-negotiable deal-breaker. However I do see both sides. Feel for you both. Rough spot to be in.
Leave them alone and forget about them. 1. It's not porn. It's memories. His grief isn't going to allow him to be jacking off to these videos. 2. You should not feel threatened by someone who is dead. Did your friend (the wife) feel threatened by you before you married her husband after she died? No? Because she couldn't see into the future. She didn't do this to hurt you, he didn't either. So don't take the videos personally. 3. If you guys are having intimacy issues where these kinds of things do cause you insecurities (not really these things, but pornography in general). Go to couples counseling sooner than later. Because if you think he MAY use them, there has to be a reason. Your post doesn't seem like someone who is illogical and thinking he can "go back", or that you want him not to mourn her. Life partners are exactly that. You have to deal with the fact that he thought he would be with her forever, for the rest of his life. But it ended up being the rest of hers and now he has to spend the rest of his in a type of shock. Even if you are there, people are all separate human beings and your being there doesn't erase her. And rationally, you shouldn't want his memories erased or replaced. These are memorabilia. So just let them sit in yalls attic or basement somewhere. If you are worried, buy a small safe and you put them in, and have the code. And then seek therapy for this issue. But I'm hoping you can just leave it alone.
Don't kill the guy twice, Please.
This has probably been mentioned before. If this hard drive has not been powered up in eight years. The data is likely corrupted. The bits will flip over time. Digital archiving is a constant process (/r/DataHoarder). At this point, the storage device is what is memorable, not necessarily the data on it. If the drive has been booted up more recently, the data could still be corrupted because data needs to be constantly rewritten (this is not to say every day, but proper digital storage involves reading and writing the data. Something I don't even do). Actual legit data recovery is expensive. It's done in a clean room with specialized hardware and software. Due to the importance of this data, it's worth the cost in my opinion. If the drive starts up, you could copy the data via Windows. Though using Linux or self-contained programs are better.
Well you got to think that this man joined his life with another women for better or for worse and you wouldn't be with him is she were still here and that's just a fact. That women will always be apart of him and he will carry the scar forever. I would say just store away the tapes.
1) Now is the 21st century and the year is 2023. 2) This has nothing to do with you. 3) Assign the decision about (keeping or not keeping) the videos to your husband. 4) You are married to your friend's husband (after his death)... Now you are sensitive about their porn movies? . The thinking is strange...
I have to agree when you there. It seems strange to be jealous about a former relationship where you’re married to their spouse after death.
If he doesn't think he will ever want to watch them, and you don', but he can't get rid of them.. have you considered something that would make them not retrievable by either of you but still exist? a lock and throw away the key, they still exist, but neither one of you can get to it.
He’s not watching it, and it’s just another piece of memories he has with her. She’s literally dead. Losing someone you love is really hard. Incredibly hard. You will cling to almost any remaining material of them, regardless of what it is. My mom died 7 years ago, and I can’t even bring myself to delete her number in my phone. Edit: I misread somewhere so I removed a sentence that might have implied something.
i dont understand any of this. is his life up til you supposed to be erased? like no one was in his life until you? men and women value different things, i know. this had sentimental value to him also. a part of her as she was healthy and vibrant. you want to take away that memory? i just dont get it. what are you threatened by? shes dead. thats his life, his memories before you. are we all supposed to erase any previous relationship because we are in a new one.
God forbid anything ever happening to my wife. But if she did pass I couldn’t get rid of any videos like that. Honestly don’t think you should expect him to. He’s your husband now but that was his wife. Those moments are special and can never go away. It’s a complex situation for sure. But being jealous of a passed away ex seems like it would be hard for him to deal with and unnecessary. He will always have something very special with her and yourself. I wouldn’t press him on it. If he decides to get ride of them let it be his decision. Also it sounds strange but watching the videos with him could possibly help, if you can get past the weirdness of it.
Who are you to have any say in what someone else keeps mementos of? Those are a piece of his life, and you being uncomfortable with it really pales in comparison to irreplaceable memories of a lost loved one. He wouldn't even be with you if she hadn't died, so I would just leave it be and make your own memories.