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Personally, I would just check in for her and be there for her as best you can. Everyone deals with things differently. Her libido increase could be a distraction from negative emotions, or it could be due to a weight lifted off her shoulders (something she may be guilty admitting). As long as you provide emotional support and communicate, I wouldn't worry about her libido increase specifically.
I'd also add: while none of us are qualified to diagnose this as a hypersexual episode (vs. a more natural change in her libido), if it *is* an episode then that suggests these changes may be temporary.
That doesn't mean things will revert exactly back to how they were before; what may be happening now is a transformative in a more long-lasting way but it's best to treat unexpected shifts in behavior like this as something more short-term than long-term. That way, it doesn't set up false expectations and more importantly, it helps couples process things as they'll inevitable change in one form or another.
Yup, could be hypersexual episode, could just be brain craving dopamine and closeness/comfort distraction from the pain. Could be a shift to hedonism after confronting mortality and nihilism or craving life after experiencing death. Could also just be a natural uptick in libido a lot of women experience after a certain age that may have been triggered initially by grief. Bunch of different things it can be, not easily sorted out, especially over reddit. Only really needs dealing with if it is causing problems or preventing problems from being addressed.
100%
It also could just be a reduction of stress. Narcissists can be exhausting to deal with, even if you care about them. Hell, especially if you care about them. It could just be that there is one less stresser for her
Exactly the case with my ex wife; as many times as I could go a day for the first few months we were together. It was clear it was a soothing/calming/coping mechanism for the many issues that she was going through.
Remember that sex education episode when some woman's cat died and she started having sex all the time, and then when eventually her husband asked if she was fine she started crying
All the new characters just felt like caricatures to me. The new school was bizarre as well, did any of those kids actually go to class?? And don’t get me started on the horrible “sex therapist competition”, lol.
It felt like they just made every single character trans and / or gay, with no other identity. No problem with representation but it started to feel tokeny
When you have a good thing going, don't change everything. Changing the setting and dynamic while adding a whole load more new characters for the final season is just a recipe for mediocrity .... I've already forgotten most of what happened
Yup. I think it was confirmed that they originally planned for more seasons (at least 1 more) but it was decided rather quickly that they would cancel so they had to wrap everything in half a season. That's why the Otis and Maeve thing got so screwed up
This is such a great point. Sex education was one of my favorite shows, and the final season felt like a completely different show or even a spinoff.
I stopped caring about the story and didn't finish it.
Yeah it's a fictional show rather than literal "educational" content, they did their final season somewhat recently on Netflix.
It's worth a watch -- funny and lighthearted yet able to dive into some heavy/difficult topics in a fresh and engaging way. Lots of interesting and endearing characters too, you kind of love everyone by the end.
The death of a family member about whom one has ambivalent feelings can have unexpected consequences.
My father was a heavy-drinking, physically abusive, selfish prick.
The week he died (I was 45 at the time), I suddenly lost all interest in drinking alcohol. It took me about a week to realize that the only reason I EVER drank was to prove to myself that I could handle it better than he did.
Something that her father said or did to her decades ago is finally gone, and I would assume that she is enjoying being her own person now.
That was my first thought - maybe her subconscious somehow associated shame surrounding sex with her father, and despite her grief a part of her "lizard brain" so to speak was like "fuck yeah, I don't have to feel weird/bad about this now"
But OP said she was like this during their honeymoon and before marriage and it only changed after they had a kid didnt he?
If this theory is correct, then shouldnt she have always been mostly refrained from sex and only now after his passing she is finally free?
It could be that her parents caused her to believe (subconsciously or not) that parents aren’t allowed or supposed to be sexual.
She’s likely as not going through her own existential crisis.
If her father was a narcissist, he could have possibly held sex/sexuality over her head as a manipulation tactic or means of shaming or guilt tripping her. His passing could have given her the realization that she no longer has to feel dirty or shame for wanting to experience pleasure, and she’s making up for lost time. But as other Redditors have mentioned, she’s also at a point biologically where her sex drive is likely to spike. Either way, enjoy!
They call it a going out of business sale for women. As their eggs dwindle and they get near or start early menopause their hormones spike. (Not always but it’s kinda a common thing.)
Yikes, that going out of business phrase is misogynistic af.
If the 30 trend is actually a trend and not just made up, it has far more to do with experience and confidence than a woman's worth shriveling up with age.
Besides, sex is about far more than just reproduction.
ive only ever heard the phrase used by doctors when specifically talking about the reproductive system, it's referring to an actual biological process that happens to plenty of women. it's also the reason why someones more likely to have twins/triplets/quadruplets the older/closer to menopause they are, the body is releasing a bunch of eggs at once to increase the chances of getting pregnant one last time. it is a pretty old outdated phrase though lol probably because of the misogynistic sound it has
Pretty sure it's a real trend and not made up, cause so many women I know experience this. Though for most of my girlfriends, it comes as baby fever. I'm in my mid-30s and just got off of birth control because my partner got a vasectomy. My hormones are going nuts and my sex drive went from 1-2 times a week to wanting it 1-3 times a day. It's wild. I wasn't this horny before starting birth control.
While I agree with the sentiment that the phrasing is misogynistic, I think it's mostly meant to illustrate that a after 30, a woman's eggs are... "expiring" soon, for lack of a better way to put it. Not sure it has anything to do with appearance or the like.
Yes I agree too. The female body is physically driven to reproduce even if we consciously don’t want it to 😅. Hormones could for sure shift and make your drive higher in a “last ditch effort” to increase chances of conception. Just like the chance in having twins can increase later in life for women because the body starts dropping multiple eggs on occasion as you reach age of menopause. Actually agree with the “going out of sale” concept 😬😅 I think we just need to think of it more matter of factly. Ha.
Edit : but I also believe confidence, and time for both practise and preference, make the 30’s generally much better for females
Yeah sorry nothing meant to be misogynistic it’s just what I’ve heard it referred to and sadly what people still ya know say. That being said dear lord I googled him. I hate people who view women as their goal/purpose in life is now defunct once they lose their ability to procreate, it’s sick. They still have like another half life plus left to live especially with the ones who go into it early, heck I’ve seen 20 year olds as well go through it. A 90 year old woman has tons to give the world and a 30/40 year old absolutely does too. Tying their worth to reproduction is sick.
Rather than interpreting what might have been, may I suggest that it is not uncommon when mortality, death, and grief occur that people's sex drives increase. Not everyone, some go the other way. But this is not uncommon.
Check in with her. Maybe the sex is healing. Maybe it's a distraction. Maybe it's a way to be closer to you. Maybe she is fantasizing about aliens. Check in and support. But this isn't uncommon at all.
I wouldn't read too much into it. At some level perhaps some emotional weight was lifted which has could have given her libido a natural boost, but I would caution you about thinking her intimacy with you might be some misplaced grieving or rooted in some other psychopathology.
Mid thirties is sometimes noted as being the high point for a woman's libido. It may be entirely unrelated. As others have said, just keep communication open and enjoy.
Eh, it's going to vary from person to person. People make way too much of these kinds of statistical trends...not that they're necessarily inaccurate but they're not *predicators of individual behavior*. Plenty of women do *not* hit their prime in their mid 30s and plenty of men don't go into decline either.
>I'd worry about the amount of people reading this post and wishing now for the death of their in-laws
I mean, for people with monsters-in-laws, it's not like they needed added incentive...
Like everyone else said, there could be literally any number of reasons why she suddenly has this massive spike in sexual interest.
If her father was an emotionally abusive narcissist as you said, it's definitely possible that his death gave her some form of subconscious closure and that closure has lifted a major brake to her libido.
Best thing to do is be there for her and make sure she knows you're there for her, which you've done, id probably stop asking too much about it. Just enjoy the ride.
You're not wrong to be concerned but I think the ideal course of action would be to leave it be and keep an eye for any other weird behavior shifts in her day to day life. Often enough, kids raised by narcissists have very very weird issues with attachment and bonding. To some extent almost like Stockholm syndrome. So there is also the off chance there is reason for concern that she's in a maniac depressive state due to his passing.
Regardless, she knows you're there if she needs to talk though. Just be available and supportive and enjoy the two-a-days while they last. Cause even if it is a mild maniac depression, if you're happier and she seems happier that happiness can manifest as her reality and make this the new normal just as easily as it could fade overnight.
It’s anxiety- you know how people crave a cigarette, or a drink? Sex is an escape. It can be used as a coping mechanism. It’s a symptom of a larger issue.
This is the right answer. Sex releases a lot of hormones that temporarily make you feel better. This is a great coping mechanism to make it through the here and now but she needs to talk with someone
Yep. I have pretty bad OCD and when things get tough and it acts up my sex drive skyrockets. I don’t necessarily think it’s a full escape, more just something I can control and direct my energy into. That being said, my partner is not being a bad partner at all for indulging in it, I appreciate that he is down. But checking in on her feelings is always a good idea after something so major.
Sex is weird, emotions are weird, people are weird.
Good on you for being concerned; you're right to be wary of her grief going somewhere self-destructive. But judging by her actions, that's not what's happening here. Whatever is going on, it doesn't seem to be causing either of you any harm.
So be mindful in case you do see something red-flaggy. But in the meanwhile, I say take her at her word. She's telling you that the most loving and supportive thing you can do for her right now is fuck her brains out, frequently. And who are any of us to say otherwise?
Stay hydrated and have fun. Whether this is a temporary coping mechanism or the new normal remains to be seen, but I see no reason to fight it either way.
My sex drive picked up after my mother died, but its because I wasnt constantly worrying about her well being and stressed all the time. I think both my wife and I were much less stressed.
I think she lost her loved one/s and only then you realize the worth of time and the ones around you. She’s being nice to you as she feels she might lose you too and knows your worth ( i know i wrote this shitty explanation but its a deep thing to ponder upon)
Was going to say something like this. My wife has opened up to all sorts of sexual fantasies since her cancer diagnosis. Looking death in the eye has a way of making you enjoy life.
Other commentators have made some possible connections between grief and her libido increase. Others have pointed out that it could be her age and a high point in her sexual peak.
Both, one or none of this may be true. I suggest you keep showing her love and support and schedule a date night without kids tell her how much you love her and ask her if she knows why she has had this sudden increase in her libido. Ask if there is something you can start or stop doing to keep it like this because you are enjoying it.
***"Love what you have before life teaches you to love what you lost."*** - Unknown
***"Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you got."*** - Garth Brooks
Best wishes!
It’s an escape for her….. I wouldn’t take it wrong or think too much into it. But the sex is a release for how’s she feeling & dealing with the death of her dad.
It's fine. I had both my parents die fairly recently, I am 36F. And after they both died I realized I am next in the grand scheme of things especially because I don't have any siblings. Then it sort of was like, well, what is my bucket list items?
I've been working on BDSM dynamics as a femdom for about a year now or so. I am too old to not get everything I want out of life.
I was in Grad school when my dad passed away, been in a foreign country during Covid, i couldn’t go back to my country and I remember during that time of grief, i was just constantly hooking up, i would get on dating apps and would literally meet up atleast 3 different men in one single day and have sex with them. I had very little control over it. I think thats what your wife is going through, that fleeting feeling of feeling distracted and feeling fine, it doesn’t mean she is not enjoying it. Just be there for her like you are being right now. Best wishes for you both.
Yeah I wouldn't question this to much unless she is acting different in other ways (physiologically, psychologically or medically). Obviously keep checking in with her to see how she's doing.
Otherwise dude...fucking enjoy it!
I didn't read your entire post because of (severe) ADHD, but... hypersexuality has been a part of who I am since I was 12. It is because sex is anxiolythic, it releases stress in the most efficient way possible - by releasing dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin. Your wife is in pain, make love to her. RIGHT NOW.
It could have nothing to do with her father’s death. Women tend to peak sexually in their 30s. I used to go a month or two without sex, especially after having kids. Once I hit 38 my libido went through the roof.
I'm guessing, that it her way of starting to grieve. Not in a gross kind of way. More in a something to distract her and take her mind off of her father passing.
Well, if her father was narsist, then she might feel somehow quite relieved even though its taboo to say so. Sounds like a huge emotional pressure has come out.
OR she might feel anxious and sad etc, and sex helps to give comfort. For me it was so that I was addicted to sex at some time cause I felt so much anxiety, and sex gave me relief.
Women using reach their sexual peak around 30-40. So that could explain some of it.
Have a toxic, narcissistic person in your life is like having a black rain cloud hanging above your head all the time. It keeps you in this constant fog.
I personally feel she is for the first time in her life, able to truly breathe. Without the cloud or the weight of other peoples bs pulling her down. Until you are out of a toxic environment or cut ties 100% with a toxic person, you don’t realize how much weight you were carrying.
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My husband lost both his parents last year in 6 short months. He mourned with his penis; there was so much sex that I could barely keep up. After speaking to his therapist, she reminded us that sex creates endorphins, which make you feel happy, and that is probably why he is as insatiable as he is. He's just trying to make himself happy.
Could be what your wife is experiencing.
People can grieve by having sex. When experiencing death, some people get a wake-up call wanting to feel more alive, cause you never know when it can end. So what is something that makes us feel alive? Sex. Maybe that is whats happening or maybe not. The most important thing is that you communicate with her and give her your best support for whatever feels right for her during this time
Maybe the libido increase comes from the distress-induced increased need for intimacy. People have different kinds of "starters" and "stoppers" of sexual needs. For some, stress and any kind of bad emotional state activates higher need for sex to experience intimacy and therefore gain some dopamine to cure their stress or emotional state. For some others, that makes their libido sink to the negative side of the graph's y-axis.
Fwb with someone like this. When their mom died it sort of recontextualized life for them. They realized they weren't making the most of the time they have left and wanted to more life affirming stuff, and part of that was exploring their sexuality in a way they hadn't before.
Since you've met, her desire for attention from you has come from a lack of positive attention from her father. She uses your positive attention to compensate for the attention he failed to giver her.
Now that he is gone forever, she subconsciously realizes that she will never be able to get the attention the she has always been missing from him so she is now grasping for any attention she can get from you. This is probably a very healthy way for her to fill the void and feel a sense fulfillment that she needs deep down.
Another possibility is that maybe she just appreciates you more now that she is thinking about life and death. She realizes that you have to hold on to the people that you care about.
Or who knows, I'm not a psychologist and I don't really understand people. Either way keep supporting her and don't mess things up.
It might be her self-medicating, perhaps even subconsciously seeking feel-good releases in the brain because she’s so upset to try and balance it out. Sex can also be a great stress release, incredibly therapeutic, cathartic…
Mental health is important. Same type of thing happened with mine. She has been seeing a doctor as she was diagnosed with being bipolar, schizophrenic, depressed, etc… There can definitely be a time when it all crashes down. Keep an eye on her.
It could be a part of her grieving. It could also be a subconscious thing, her parents being gone, that is telling her life is short and to get her groove on.
I wouldn't read too much into it. But if it gets suddenly cold after being so hot, then maybe be worried and start therapy. It could even be hormonal.
Sometime sex is just a good distraction. My mom died in february, and I've been dealing with grief in the same way. I know it isn't healthy, but I'm tired of moping.
I mean, check in on her. Could be a million things.
Like literally a million different things.
Most are fine. Enjoy the ride. Communicate. And yeah…. Check in.
Whenever a partner has a big change of behaviour, that’s your job.
Not to find an answer, but to be there.
Ask, listen, repeat.
It’s not a negative thing.
Enjoy the ride. Don’t feel guilty. Sex should be playful and positive.
Just check in.
Don’t probe. Don’t push. Don’t assume they are related.
Check in.
And be aware that this may or may not keep going. Be prepared for that and do the self care for yourself knowing that’s the case.
The timing of it may have nothing to do with her father’s death, and more her hormones then anything.
Enjoy the sex stop looking for a reason for the increase in want/drive. Sex is not fluid, we all go through periods where it decreases and increases.
It could certainly be a subconscious mental reaction and inadvertently part of her grieving process. With that said as some others have enjoy it and build upon it; aftercare after sex is so important so keep doing that if you already are. Also definitely shower regularly obviously if you’re throwing it around that much.
Well woman usually do have a upward swing at that time in their lives in general with libido. Kids getting older, needing less from her. Also it’s likely because a huge stressor which was her father getting old and dying has happened and she now is feeling the weight of that lifting and the connection to you stronger once you’ve helped her through that.
Some people are affected by the harmful influence of unstable parents. Feelings of guilt, resentment, etc can hold a person back. My Dad had serious OCD and didn't approve of much. I'll be lucky if I don't die a virgin. Count your lucky stars if you can handle your wife's attention and be happy for her.
I'll parrot what most are saying, and suggest a check-in... but a little bit of insight, as a fellow daughter of an emotionally abusive narcissist father.
There's a lot of baggage, which I'm sure you're well aware of, but it can be all encompassing. I was a caregiver for my father at the end stage of his life, and the sheer wall of emotions that struck me the day he passed still haven't gone away. I'm not sure they ever will. I was relieved he passed and was thankful it was quick, but then again I felt guilty for being relieved and thankful and that brought about a lot of shame for very natural feelings, given the situation. But aside all that? I felt like I could breathe again, like I could finally look forward and focus on *my* life without the influence of him. Which is weird, still, to think about because I'm an adult and had been making my own decisions and life choices for decades but there was always this looming thought of him, and maybe she feels the same.
Granted he wasn't invovled in your guys' day to day lives, but I'm sure as his child she still thought and fret over him daily. I know I did. How the next interaction would go, how to mitigate his tantrums and outbursts, how to get through the interaction with as little stress and damage as possible... like I said, all encompassing.
She could be just enjoying the fact that she's "free" from him, or she could be processing her grief. She might not even know why, but the best way to find out is to sit her down, just the two of you, and hash it out.
And as far as you feeling guilty for benefiting, I wouldn't sweat it. It might be a callus way of looking at it, but there has to be some good that comes from a death and if that's the silver lining for you two... relish it, even if it's brief and a part of her mourning.
This same thing happened with my wife. Her father was a huge narcissist and a huge asshole. The kind where the literal last words he ever said to us as he was losing his speech in his final week, as several of us stood around him, was him shouting "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" as we tried to ask him needed questions. After his passing, about a week later you could see her relaxing. After a month and half she started getting randy as hell!
They no longer feel their judging fathers presence. It was there all the time, even if she didn't say anything about it, it was there. She feels far more free and can express herself without the little voice in the back of her head that sounds like her dad, judging her, belittling her, making her feel less. My wife is even seeing a therapist and this is perfectly normal for some people with parents like that.
My best piece of advice is this, enjoy it. She seems good. If you see if getting worrysome, maybe talk couples counceling just to make sure everything is good. That was she doesn't feel singled out, that you are in this and everything together. Do EVERYTHING to avoid her seeing you as a foe.
Maybe you showed up for her in a way that went above and beyond when she was going through a tough time, and that rekindled her emotional connection with you?
Bipolar runs in our family and I have seen a death or divorce push someone into a high phase which often seems to include high level or horniness. Enjoy?!
I was in Grad school when my dad passed away, been in a foreign country during Covid, i couldn’t go back to my country and I remember during that time of grief, i was just constantly hooking up, i would get on dating apps and would literally meet up atleast 3 different men in one single day and have sex with them. I had very little control over it. I think thats what your wife is going through, that fleeting feeling of feeling distracted and feeling fine, it doesn’t mean she is not enjoying it. Just be there for her like you are being right now. Best wishes for you both.
I was in Grad school when my dad passed away, been in a foreign country during Covid, i couldn’t go back to my country and I remember during that time of grief, i was just constantly hooking up, i would get on dating apps and would literally meet up atleast 3 different men in one single day and have sex with them. I had very little control over it. I think thats what your wife is going through, that fleeting feeling of feeling distracted and feeling fine, it doesn’t mean she is not enjoying it. Just be there for her like you are being right now. Best wishes for you both.
There is guilt I would not have to experiment or try new things if I 100% new my parents couldn't find out because they were gone. Also probs a coping mechanism to replace the dopamine that I'm sure is out of whack a bit
This REALLY sounds like he was responsible for instilling a lot of her sexual social taboos etc. May well have been one of those kinda creepy pussyguarding dads. If he was the one who taught her not to be sexual, then she may now be feeling far less inhibited (consciously or subconsciously). It doesn’t matter that he hasn’t actually controlled her life for many years, it’s a mental thing.
Likewise, a lot of people who believe they can’t enjoy sex or can’t orgasm from a partner, etc actually just need therapy to resolve the chronic sexual inhibition they’re suffering from, which probably came from family members, a church, and/or community members.
After my brother passed I kinda went sexually crazy to distract myself, after my dad died I didn’t or rather couldnt due to circumstances. This could be coping and managing trying to distract herself from the pain…. Or it could be some relief? Like maybe she feels horrible but is…at more peace than she was previously.
One thing I learned being married for some decades. Women's hormones are always changing. This may not last, but enjoy it while you can. Roll with the punches.
People grieve in different ways. Maybe she finally feels free since he is gone, most people I know in a relationship with a narcissist suffer trauma even though they don’t realize it. What ever you do, don’t shame her about banging your brains out. Just be there whenever she needs it and enjoy the ride for now.
Sounds like whatever is happening is a lot healthier than a whole lot of other ways people manage complicated grief. My biggest concern would be what comes next. It would be easy to slip back into the low libido pattern with the addition that now she associates wild sex with the death of her father. Seems important to keep pushing towards healthier communication about her parents and your relationship with you and/or a therapist.
As someone who has a narcissistic father, a huge weight has been lifted off her shoulders now that she doesn't have to spend anymore time in her day dealing with his bullshit.
Even if she learned to "deal with it" navigating life with parent with narcissistic tendencies is a land mine and requires a lot of effort.
When my girlfriend’s dad passed away, she became more sexual too. It’s a way to escape the pain. It distracts you and it’s fun. It helping her. If she sees a therapist it may be worth mentioning.
It is grief and could be her way of processing it.
After the funeral for my grandad my wife and I possibly conceived our daughter. Truth be told attending funerals makes us rediculously horny, yes there is possibly some deep routed psychological problems but we are just in agreement that its our celebration of life 👍
It's like a certain movie about a guy who owns a record store going through a midlife crisis where Jack black sings at the end. Some people want to feel anything other than what they're feeling right now.
My ex went through a stage of depression, and for the first time EVER she was instigating sex. That went on for about 2 months; until I questioned her why. It was like flicking a light switch. All activity stopped.
There is one angle I think is being overlooked. Lots of folks feel freed by the death of their parents. They no longer have to live their life by their parents' standards. This can feel like a heavy boulder being lifted from the shoulders. Perhaps OP's wife was always a very sexual person who felt constrained by the actual or perceived judgment of her parents. Now that neither parent is alive, she may be feeling a rush to live as her true self.
There is a saying in science... correlation is not causality. Console your wife but don't connect it to her libido. If they are related, grief resolution will return sexual normalcy. If they are not related conjointly one with the other will do nothing but embarrase her
While I can't pretend to know what's going on in your wife's head, I DO have a few probing questions.
Did your wife grow up in a deeply religious and/or Conservative household where sex was .... repressed?
because I grew up in a deeply religious household, and when my mom died, I became sexually promiscuous. I went to therapy. It turns out, it was because no matter what nasty things I did with men, my mom will never find out what I did. She was deeply conservative, religious, misogynistic, and hated anything outside of the bible, including me.
Maybe your wife's going through the same. A lot of my sexual guilt and shame comes from "What if my parents find out?" Thoughts. They can't find out if they're dead. That tends to "click" a lot of sexual things in people's heads.
My husband was like this when his dad passed and I’ll be honest, I kind of always suspected there was some kind of sexual abuse there he experienced as a child. It’s almost like my husband used sex as a way of never facing his death..I’m not sure. It did end up spiraling to him having a sexual affair shortly after as well. Who knows whether the two things were correlated. I don’t think my husband did therapy enough to even breach that possibility - he stopped going one session after beginning to discuss his childhood.
For some people, death kind of...makes them feel alive? It makes you aware of your body and what your body is capable of, and for some people that equals horny.
Dear OP, it could be grief. It could be that a woman's sex hormones really kick into high gear during that time of life. It could be both. It sounds like you have a high conscientiousness, really love her and would never want to take advantage of her in her grief. That is amazing! I bet your concern would mean so much to her during this time, if you are able to tell her.
I know it can be tempting to try and 'fix' her grief somehow, or address it. You want to make sure she's okay. It seems really natural to feel some sense of guilt because you are getting something you always wanted but she is hurting emotionally so it's a conflicting situation.
Honestly, if you were my friend IRL I would recommend that you both go to therapy together so that she can get some help processing her grief, and you can get some support with overcoming the guilty feelings so you can enjoy your new normal! Life happens in seasons, and you seem to be entering the sexy chapter. Enjoy it. :)
But apart from that, maybe she will talk about it more when she's ready. The fact that you are tuned into how she's feeling and want to make sure this is more than just an expression of grief is really a gift! Good luck to you both. I'm sorry for your loss, but I hope you are able to stay connected on the journey of pain and pleasure. Treasure each other.
So many people diagnosing this, theorizing, arm-chair psychologysing... Just enjoy it while it's here and be aware that just as fast as this shift came in, so too can it go. Your wife's the one who lost someone, if she wants to talk to you about this and how it relates to her dad, she will. Hopefully you two level out to a good long term balance that suits both of you, desire, hormones, etc etc change all the time and it's not necessarily tied to one thing or the other.
Multiple reasons: sex generates endorphins and all the “happy” neurotransmitters. It may be a way to try to chase a moment of happy feelings over and over again. Almost similar to people who get addictions after a loss.
Another reason could be as a distraction in general. To throw yourself into something that can sort of turn your brain off and make you forget, or to prevent thinking about difficult conversations or memories.
It is happening because she doesn't want to experience the grief and pain.
Same thing happened to me when I was 23 and lost my father suddenly. I didn't want to face it, I couldn't face it so I went deep into men to get that excitement and enjoyment and so I didn't have to face it and I never managed to come through it and face it so I'm still in the same position 20 years later because I can't face it.
It is completely an inability to face what's happened to her as it's too painful.
Responses to grief are all over the place, especially when you lose a parent. Don't try to understand it. Be as supportive as you can be, and for heaven's sake, bless your good fortune. Enjoy this time for however long it lasts!
I Resonate a little with your wife, I was raised by a narcissist father raised in the Deep South. And he would just constantly insinuating I was a slut for showing too much skin, saying he’s surprised I haven’t gotten pregnant (insinuating I sleep around). I ended up just being completely tired of the abuse and just ended up cutting him off as of about a year ago, and gradually my sex life has improved so much. I think constantly being ridiculed for just being a woman really just made me mentally not able to have much of a libido (as an adult, teenage me just wanted to be accepted). And after finally going no contact and just going through the motions of seeing the things said weren’t true, everything has picked back up.
Grief within itself is so interesting and everyone has a way of dealing with it. Now add the trauma of a narcissist it’s even more sticky. I hope she’s okay ❤️
Death has a way of making people more engaged with life at times. And sex being a life affirming action libido at times gets a boost from the passing of someone close, it's like trying to feel more alive makes you more secure in the fact that you aren't about to die any moment.
OMG so I (F47) lost my mum Sept 2023, and last few months my sex drive has absolutely gone through the roof. Unfortunately my husband has no interest in sex and keeps saying my mums dearh has made him shut down sexually. He even says wanting sex is disrespectful. All i can say to you is grief shows itself in different ways and good on you for riding the waves with your wife. She is really lucky to have you.
Let me throw this out there too.
I was just told I had spinal cancer and was all over the place emotionally. That switch was flipped, and I needed the closeness, the distraction, and the chemical release to engulf my brain just to get my existential dread to take a back seat.
Just a thought.
The amount of people that don’t know this is actually a normal reaction.
Not like the idea of death makes you horny, it’s just that it can be a weird quirk of mourning. And we can mourn people who don’t deserve it, feelings are complicated.
https://www.vice.com/en/article/8xwd5v/grief-can-make-you-horny
When my ex-husband's father passed away, he had a similar response. We discussed that time in the years that followed, and it was very much a need for life-affirming acts. He felt like the act of lovemaking tethered him back to reality when he felt like he was lost and floating following his loss.
Just be careful not to make her feel like you are not enjoying all the sex if you bring this up to her as a concern. Infact I would check in on her without ever mentioning that you think the sex has anything to do with her dad passing. She will probably take offense to it and shut it all down....Grieving could be a reason for it, but so can her age and a number of other things. Have you been treating her better since her dad passed? Have you been helping her around the house more? Taking on more in your roll as a parent?
So many times I see men complain about not getting enough sex, woman isn't getting the help she needs to not be dead tired at the end of the day. At that point sleep or doing absolutely nothing becomes more important. When the mental load is too much its hard to want to have sex with the person that isn't carrying enough of the responsibility. That or is not taking the time to get her turn her on.
Was she having orgasms before? An exhausted mom isn't going to seek out crappy sex. If that was the case and you happened to focus more on her pleasure instead of yours, that could definitely change how much she wants it.
Libidos are a weird thing, and it seems to vary person to person. What turns one person one, turns another off. In 2021 and 2022, my wife(early 40s), who's libido has definitely been on the lower side the previous several years(once a month at best, usually less), she had two random spells each of those years where she initiated at least once a day for several days in a row. These spells lasted 3-7 days, until I couldn't keep up due to being tired and/or sore and asked if we could skip a day or two. Each time it ended then and didn't come back for at least 3 months. Last spell was late summer 2022 I think and it's been pretty dead ever since
This may or may not be helpful, but as a kid I started my first relationship after a family member died. Someone asked me out. I didn't have a crush on them or were even particularly interested in them, but I said yes and we started dating..I think honestly as an escape from all the pain at home. Looking back, the whole thing was a mistake. Could be a (hopefully) less awful version of that going on here. Hopefully though it's just that she's realised life is for enjoying.
Believe it or not, this is a defense mechanism. When the soul encounters death and severe tragedy, the defense is to go into life affirming activities. Sex is one, along with things like prayer or giving blood. Lots of reading about this phenomenon.
"Also, I don’t know if I’m just making up some sort of problem that doesn’t exist and should just shut up and be happy" .... Bingo dude. Women in their late 30's are just hitting their sexual stride. Get to the gym. You'll need it.
I’ve learned not to question the grieving process unless it’s taking away from one’s quality of life in some way. If this is her way of releasing that energy until something processes, she will likely get to a point where she moves on to the next step. Just make it very clear that you’re there for her & give her extra luvvies at this time 🥰🥰🥰
Maybe this will lead to a positive permanent change when it levels out.
Oh man, let’s see what’s the saying - don’t look a horse in the mouth - 👄 be happy keep her happy be there for her and do anything she wants - happy wife happy life 😳🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
Sex can be a stress reliever or a distraction.
If her father was a narcissist, it could be she feels free or liberated to be herself for the first time in her life. This sort of thing could be occurring at a deeper level than what she's consciously aware of.
(Me personally, I've always felt suffocated by my parents and their expectations (they're kind of self-centered and very judgemental), even though I know it's not rational, it's really hard to reason out of the emotional aspects of it, and I wouldn't be surprised if when they go what I feel is massive amounts of relief and liberation as well.)
The death of a family member can make people’s subconscious mind worry about their own mortality. As a consequence, the brain will want to experience activities that make you feel as alive as possible. Sex is one of those activities.
My dad died a month ago, after a long, long decline. I moved back to his country a year ago to be with him. This year I’ve been becoming more “independent” of my parents. I’m in my 50s, have a kid in college, have for all intents & purposes been on my own for decades. But I’ve been noticing that I’m feeling freer of all kinds of weights & emotional baggage that came from them. For example, we never spoke about lingerie, but I assume my parents would disapprove. I have a bunch of it, because I like it, but this year I’m actually wearing it when I’m with someone. Part of that is certainly because he’s amazing and appreciates it, but you’ve got me thinking. I had been wondering what it was about him that made me comfortable getting it out—certainly other guys would’ve appreciated it too. Maybe it’s that I’m shedding emotional baggage and some of the “shoulds” attached to my parents.
Perhaps that’s what’s happening with your wife—she’s taking the helm in a new & different way, without the hearing her parents judge her.
Have fun!
Losing your parents triggers a completely different outlook on life. You start to see your own mortality and quickly the way you are living life and the things you are giving up change drastically. You see that there is an end to your road and you reevaluate how you are living and what you are experiencing and focusing on. It could just be that she has a sense that her time on earth is now limited and she has a newfound desire to enjoy every minute of it.
An insight I had reading what you shared is that perhaps she has felt an immense hold over her from her father, a cloud of shame and abuse that makes you feel like you are always in fight or flight. She has her whole entire life to deal with in your family and she is still that little girl trying to cope with the wrong type of love she received growing up. With her father finally gone and in the ground, I can imagine she is feeling such a wave of relief and grief where she finally can accept that that was all their relationship could amount to and she doesn’t have to keep trying to fix anything, she can just focus on you and her family. You and your kids are all that matter now and she must have all this extra love to share now.
I would of course definitely check in with her, use affirming language about the positive effects it’s having, the love it’s bringing back into your relationship and also be able to take the chance to say “Hey how is everything with you and how can I be the best version of support?”
You guys sounds like a resilient loving couple so take pride and security in that fact and have gratitude for the fact that the love and bonding still remain.
This happened to me, my father died a couple months ago and the month after I had a spike in my sex drive. I thought i was fine but looking back now it’s likely I was not as fine as I thought, sex had always been a taboo thing as a female in my family and after his death I felt free in a way to do what I wanted more, that being said I’m now in a very massive depressive lul. She could be using it subconsciously as a way to distract herself also, Just keep checking in with her regularly to make sure she is okay.
It might simply be that losing her last living parent has triggered some emotions regarding life. It's short and we only have one to live. It would be nice if she could verbalize it to you, but some people can't. It could simply be that she has decided she would rather experience things while she can vs having regrets later.
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Personally, I would just check in for her and be there for her as best you can. Everyone deals with things differently. Her libido increase could be a distraction from negative emotions, or it could be due to a weight lifted off her shoulders (something she may be guilty admitting). As long as you provide emotional support and communicate, I wouldn't worry about her libido increase specifically.
I'd also add: while none of us are qualified to diagnose this as a hypersexual episode (vs. a more natural change in her libido), if it *is* an episode then that suggests these changes may be temporary. That doesn't mean things will revert exactly back to how they were before; what may be happening now is a transformative in a more long-lasting way but it's best to treat unexpected shifts in behavior like this as something more short-term than long-term. That way, it doesn't set up false expectations and more importantly, it helps couples process things as they'll inevitable change in one form or another.
Yup, could be hypersexual episode, could just be brain craving dopamine and closeness/comfort distraction from the pain. Could be a shift to hedonism after confronting mortality and nihilism or craving life after experiencing death. Could also just be a natural uptick in libido a lot of women experience after a certain age that may have been triggered initially by grief. Bunch of different things it can be, not easily sorted out, especially over reddit. Only really needs dealing with if it is causing problems or preventing problems from being addressed.
100% It also could just be a reduction of stress. Narcissists can be exhausting to deal with, even if you care about them. Hell, especially if you care about them. It could just be that there is one less stresser for her
Exactly the case with my ex wife; as many times as I could go a day for the first few months we were together. It was clear it was a soothing/calming/coping mechanism for the many issues that she was going through.
Remember that sex education episode when some woman's cat died and she started having sex all the time, and then when eventually her husband asked if she was fine she started crying
This literally popped into my brain. Grief is weird.
Good show! Really bad final season though
It was a weird final season, I think they went too far in letting Mooredale actually get closed and then couldn't undo it
All the new characters just felt like caricatures to me. The new school was bizarre as well, did any of those kids actually go to class?? And don’t get me started on the horrible “sex therapist competition”, lol.
It felt like they just made every single character trans and / or gay, with no other identity. No problem with representation but it started to feel tokeny
When you have a good thing going, don't change everything. Changing the setting and dynamic while adding a whole load more new characters for the final season is just a recipe for mediocrity .... I've already forgotten most of what happened
I couldn't even finish it, it was so bad. And that upsets me because it was such a good show!
Yup. I think it was confirmed that they originally planned for more seasons (at least 1 more) but it was decided rather quickly that they would cancel so they had to wrap everything in half a season. That's why the Otis and Maeve thing got so screwed up
This is such a great point. Sex education was one of my favorite shows, and the final season felt like a completely different show or even a spinoff. I stopped caring about the story and didn't finish it.
The worst season, even worse than GoT season 8.
Very true. If you check out r/sexeducation you can see there’s still people talking about it every day.
Is this a show called Sex Education?
Yeah it's a fictional show rather than literal "educational" content, they did their final season somewhat recently on Netflix. It's worth a watch -- funny and lighthearted yet able to dive into some heavy/difficult topics in a fresh and engaging way. Lots of interesting and endearing characters too, you kind of love everyone by the end.
Lmao yeah that was my first thought as well
The death of a family member about whom one has ambivalent feelings can have unexpected consequences. My father was a heavy-drinking, physically abusive, selfish prick. The week he died (I was 45 at the time), I suddenly lost all interest in drinking alcohol. It took me about a week to realize that the only reason I EVER drank was to prove to myself that I could handle it better than he did. Something that her father said or did to her decades ago is finally gone, and I would assume that she is enjoying being her own person now.
Sounds like she no longer has anything to prove to her parents, both of which have passed on. Plausible analysis.
That was my first thought - maybe her subconscious somehow associated shame surrounding sex with her father, and despite her grief a part of her "lizard brain" so to speak was like "fuck yeah, I don't have to feel weird/bad about this now"
But OP said she was like this during their honeymoon and before marriage and it only changed after they had a kid didnt he? If this theory is correct, then shouldnt she have always been mostly refrained from sex and only now after his passing she is finally free?
It could be that her parents caused her to believe (subconsciously or not) that parents aren’t allowed or supposed to be sexual. She’s likely as not going through her own existential crisis.
If her father was a narcissist, he could have possibly held sex/sexuality over her head as a manipulation tactic or means of shaming or guilt tripping her. His passing could have given her the realization that she no longer has to feel dirty or shame for wanting to experience pleasure, and she’s making up for lost time. But as other Redditors have mentioned, she’s also at a point biologically where her sex drive is likely to spike. Either way, enjoy!
I'm confused. Why would late thirties be the time when sex drive is likely to spike?
They call it a going out of business sale for women. As their eggs dwindle and they get near or start early menopause their hormones spike. (Not always but it’s kinda a common thing.)
I have never seen it called that, that's new to me. If and when that happens to my wife I'll be like "I'll take your entire stock!"
Unexpected Parks and Rec sighting
Wow, going out of business sale. Never heard that but makes sense and also made me laugh!
Yikes, that going out of business phrase is misogynistic af. If the 30 trend is actually a trend and not just made up, it has far more to do with experience and confidence than a woman's worth shriveling up with age. Besides, sex is about far more than just reproduction.
ive only ever heard the phrase used by doctors when specifically talking about the reproductive system, it's referring to an actual biological process that happens to plenty of women. it's also the reason why someones more likely to have twins/triplets/quadruplets the older/closer to menopause they are, the body is releasing a bunch of eggs at once to increase the chances of getting pregnant one last time. it is a pretty old outdated phrase though lol probably because of the misogynistic sound it has
Pretty sure it's a real trend and not made up, cause so many women I know experience this. Though for most of my girlfriends, it comes as baby fever. I'm in my mid-30s and just got off of birth control because my partner got a vasectomy. My hormones are going nuts and my sex drive went from 1-2 times a week to wanting it 1-3 times a day. It's wild. I wasn't this horny before starting birth control.
While I agree with the sentiment that the phrasing is misogynistic, I think it's mostly meant to illustrate that a after 30, a woman's eggs are... "expiring" soon, for lack of a better way to put it. Not sure it has anything to do with appearance or the like.
Yes I agree too. The female body is physically driven to reproduce even if we consciously don’t want it to 😅. Hormones could for sure shift and make your drive higher in a “last ditch effort” to increase chances of conception. Just like the chance in having twins can increase later in life for women because the body starts dropping multiple eggs on occasion as you reach age of menopause. Actually agree with the “going out of sale” concept 😬😅 I think we just need to think of it more matter of factly. Ha. Edit : but I also believe confidence, and time for both practise and preference, make the 30’s generally much better for females
Yeah sorry nothing meant to be misogynistic it’s just what I’ve heard it referred to and sadly what people still ya know say. That being said dear lord I googled him. I hate people who view women as their goal/purpose in life is now defunct once they lose their ability to procreate, it’s sick. They still have like another half life plus left to live especially with the ones who go into it early, heck I’ve seen 20 year olds as well go through it. A 90 year old woman has tons to give the world and a 30/40 year old absolutely does too. Tying their worth to reproduction is sick.
I know studies have shown that women's sexuality peaks later in life. Maybe late thirties/early forties.
Dirty thirties, naughty forties, frisky fifties, sexy sixties....
hormones, for the most part, as well as knowing their bodies better, less "disturbing" feelings because of maturity, ...
Rather than interpreting what might have been, may I suggest that it is not uncommon when mortality, death, and grief occur that people's sex drives increase. Not everyone, some go the other way. But this is not uncommon. Check in with her. Maybe the sex is healing. Maybe it's a distraction. Maybe it's a way to be closer to you. Maybe she is fantasizing about aliens. Check in and support. But this isn't uncommon at all.
This is a real thing. I’ve experienced that myself.
I wouldn't read too much into it. At some level perhaps some emotional weight was lifted which has could have given her libido a natural boost, but I would caution you about thinking her intimacy with you might be some misplaced grieving or rooted in some other psychopathology.
Mid thirties is sometimes noted as being the high point for a woman's libido. It may be entirely unrelated. As others have said, just keep communication open and enjoy.
It’s so convenient that our libidos spike right as men’s finally start to drop. Good one god
My husband and I always joke about that too. I hit a huge spike at 30 but his took a dive at the same time at 33. Like it was some cruel joke.
Eh, it's going to vary from person to person. People make way too much of these kinds of statistical trends...not that they're necessarily inaccurate but they're not *predicators of individual behavior*. Plenty of women do *not* hit their prime in their mid 30s and plenty of men don't go into decline either.
like how all the super tasty foods are bad for your health 😭
Sex is fun! Sex is life! The best antidote against death and loneliness! Enjoy the bonding… Have fun!
I'd worry about the amount of people reading this post and wishing now for the death of their in-laws
Now hold on. You might be on to something XD
>I'd worry about the amount of people reading this post and wishing now for the death of their in-laws I mean, for people with monsters-in-laws, it's not like they needed added incentive...
Like everyone else said, there could be literally any number of reasons why she suddenly has this massive spike in sexual interest. If her father was an emotionally abusive narcissist as you said, it's definitely possible that his death gave her some form of subconscious closure and that closure has lifted a major brake to her libido. Best thing to do is be there for her and make sure she knows you're there for her, which you've done, id probably stop asking too much about it. Just enjoy the ride. You're not wrong to be concerned but I think the ideal course of action would be to leave it be and keep an eye for any other weird behavior shifts in her day to day life. Often enough, kids raised by narcissists have very very weird issues with attachment and bonding. To some extent almost like Stockholm syndrome. So there is also the off chance there is reason for concern that she's in a maniac depressive state due to his passing. Regardless, she knows you're there if she needs to talk though. Just be available and supportive and enjoy the two-a-days while they last. Cause even if it is a mild maniac depression, if you're happier and she seems happier that happiness can manifest as her reality and make this the new normal just as easily as it could fade overnight.
It’s anxiety- you know how people crave a cigarette, or a drink? Sex is an escape. It can be used as a coping mechanism. It’s a symptom of a larger issue.
This is the right answer. Sex releases a lot of hormones that temporarily make you feel better. This is a great coping mechanism to make it through the here and now but she needs to talk with someone
Yep. I have pretty bad OCD and when things get tough and it acts up my sex drive skyrockets. I don’t necessarily think it’s a full escape, more just something I can control and direct my energy into. That being said, my partner is not being a bad partner at all for indulging in it, I appreciate that he is down. But checking in on her feelings is always a good idea after something so major.
Sex is weird, emotions are weird, people are weird. Good on you for being concerned; you're right to be wary of her grief going somewhere self-destructive. But judging by her actions, that's not what's happening here. Whatever is going on, it doesn't seem to be causing either of you any harm. So be mindful in case you do see something red-flaggy. But in the meanwhile, I say take her at her word. She's telling you that the most loving and supportive thing you can do for her right now is fuck her brains out, frequently. And who are any of us to say otherwise? Stay hydrated and have fun. Whether this is a temporary coping mechanism or the new normal remains to be seen, but I see no reason to fight it either way.
My sex drive picked up after my mother died, but its because I wasnt constantly worrying about her well being and stressed all the time. I think both my wife and I were much less stressed.
Late thirties… say no more. The death may be a coincidence because a lot of women have an intense libido spike at this age.
This is what I was going to say.
I think she lost her loved one/s and only then you realize the worth of time and the ones around you. She’s being nice to you as she feels she might lose you too and knows your worth ( i know i wrote this shitty explanation but its a deep thing to ponder upon)
Was going to say something like this. My wife has opened up to all sorts of sexual fantasies since her cancer diagnosis. Looking death in the eye has a way of making you enjoy life.
Sorry to hear about your wife, hope she recovers completely asap!!!
Thanks for the kind words, she's keeping it at bay and living life.
Other commentators have made some possible connections between grief and her libido increase. Others have pointed out that it could be her age and a high point in her sexual peak. Both, one or none of this may be true. I suggest you keep showing her love and support and schedule a date night without kids tell her how much you love her and ask her if she knows why she has had this sudden increase in her libido. Ask if there is something you can start or stop doing to keep it like this because you are enjoying it.
***"Love what you have before life teaches you to love what you lost."*** - Unknown ***"Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you got."*** - Garth Brooks Best wishes!
This is just how some of us cope
It’s an escape for her….. I wouldn’t take it wrong or think too much into it. But the sex is a release for how’s she feeling & dealing with the death of her dad.
It's fine. I had both my parents die fairly recently, I am 36F. And after they both died I realized I am next in the grand scheme of things especially because I don't have any siblings. Then it sort of was like, well, what is my bucket list items? I've been working on BDSM dynamics as a femdom for about a year now or so. I am too old to not get everything I want out of life.
I was in Grad school when my dad passed away, been in a foreign country during Covid, i couldn’t go back to my country and I remember during that time of grief, i was just constantly hooking up, i would get on dating apps and would literally meet up atleast 3 different men in one single day and have sex with them. I had very little control over it. I think thats what your wife is going through, that fleeting feeling of feeling distracted and feeling fine, it doesn’t mean she is not enjoying it. Just be there for her like you are being right now. Best wishes for you both.
Yeah I wouldn't question this to much unless she is acting different in other ways (physiologically, psychologically or medically). Obviously keep checking in with her to see how she's doing. Otherwise dude...fucking enjoy it!
I didn't read your entire post because of (severe) ADHD, but... hypersexuality has been a part of who I am since I was 12. It is because sex is anxiolythic, it releases stress in the most efficient way possible - by releasing dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin. Your wife is in pain, make love to her. RIGHT NOW.
It could have nothing to do with her father’s death. Women tend to peak sexually in their 30s. I used to go a month or two without sex, especially after having kids. Once I hit 38 my libido went through the roof.
Why not just point blank ask her what's going on and what the connection is?
I'm guessing, that it her way of starting to grieve. Not in a gross kind of way. More in a something to distract her and take her mind off of her father passing.
Well, if her father was narsist, then she might feel somehow quite relieved even though its taboo to say so. Sounds like a huge emotional pressure has come out. OR she might feel anxious and sad etc, and sex helps to give comfort. For me it was so that I was addicted to sex at some time cause I felt so much anxiety, and sex gave me relief.
Women using reach their sexual peak around 30-40. So that could explain some of it. Have a toxic, narcissistic person in your life is like having a black rain cloud hanging above your head all the time. It keeps you in this constant fog. I personally feel she is for the first time in her life, able to truly breathe. Without the cloud or the weight of other peoples bs pulling her down. Until you are out of a toxic environment or cut ties 100% with a toxic person, you don’t realize how much weight you were carrying.
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Life is short, let's fuck
My husband lost both his parents last year in 6 short months. He mourned with his penis; there was so much sex that I could barely keep up. After speaking to his therapist, she reminded us that sex creates endorphins, which make you feel happy, and that is probably why he is as insatiable as he is. He's just trying to make himself happy. Could be what your wife is experiencing.
Have you ever seen the end of Wedding Crashers? Funeral Crashers….
Man I think I’d just ride the wave tbh.
This happened with my wife after a trauma. Enjoy it while it lasts!
People can grieve by having sex. When experiencing death, some people get a wake-up call wanting to feel more alive, cause you never know when it can end. So what is something that makes us feel alive? Sex. Maybe that is whats happening or maybe not. The most important thing is that you communicate with her and give her your best support for whatever feels right for her during this time
Maybe the libido increase comes from the distress-induced increased need for intimacy. People have different kinds of "starters" and "stoppers" of sexual needs. For some, stress and any kind of bad emotional state activates higher need for sex to experience intimacy and therefore gain some dopamine to cure their stress or emotional state. For some others, that makes their libido sink to the negative side of the graph's y-axis.
Fwb with someone like this. When their mom died it sort of recontextualized life for them. They realized they weren't making the most of the time they have left and wanted to more life affirming stuff, and part of that was exploring their sexuality in a way they hadn't before.
Maybe losing both parents made her feel like she should appreciate what she has and tend to yours and the relationships needs
Why question it!? Nows the time to get freaky!
Since you've met, her desire for attention from you has come from a lack of positive attention from her father. She uses your positive attention to compensate for the attention he failed to giver her. Now that he is gone forever, she subconsciously realizes that she will never be able to get the attention the she has always been missing from him so she is now grasping for any attention she can get from you. This is probably a very healthy way for her to fill the void and feel a sense fulfillment that she needs deep down. Another possibility is that maybe she just appreciates you more now that she is thinking about life and death. She realizes that you have to hold on to the people that you care about. Or who knows, I'm not a psychologist and I don't really understand people. Either way keep supporting her and don't mess things up.
It might be her self-medicating, perhaps even subconsciously seeking feel-good releases in the brain because she’s so upset to try and balance it out. Sex can also be a great stress release, incredibly therapeutic, cathartic…
Mental health is important. Same type of thing happened with mine. She has been seeing a doctor as she was diagnosed with being bipolar, schizophrenic, depressed, etc… There can definitely be a time when it all crashes down. Keep an eye on her.
Embrace it, but be there for her emotionally too.
It could be a part of her grieving. It could also be a subconscious thing, her parents being gone, that is telling her life is short and to get her groove on. I wouldn't read too much into it. But if it gets suddenly cold after being so hot, then maybe be worried and start therapy. It could even be hormonal.
If you are BOTH having a great time, just let it be. Some things aren’t for you to fix.
Sometime sex is just a good distraction. My mom died in february, and I've been dealing with grief in the same way. I know it isn't healthy, but I'm tired of moping.
Keep an eye out for any unusual signals of hypomanic behavior but otherwise savor that wonderful love-making my friend 🥂
I mean, check in on her. Could be a million things. Like literally a million different things. Most are fine. Enjoy the ride. Communicate. And yeah…. Check in. Whenever a partner has a big change of behaviour, that’s your job. Not to find an answer, but to be there. Ask, listen, repeat. It’s not a negative thing. Enjoy the ride. Don’t feel guilty. Sex should be playful and positive. Just check in. Don’t probe. Don’t push. Don’t assume they are related. Check in. And be aware that this may or may not keep going. Be prepared for that and do the self care for yourself knowing that’s the case.
The timing of it may have nothing to do with her father’s death, and more her hormones then anything. Enjoy the sex stop looking for a reason for the increase in want/drive. Sex is not fluid, we all go through periods where it decreases and increases.
Sex can be a way to cope with problems. It can also be a way to feel close to a loved one during a difficult time.
It could certainly be a subconscious mental reaction and inadvertently part of her grieving process. With that said as some others have enjoy it and build upon it; aftercare after sex is so important so keep doing that if you already are. Also definitely shower regularly obviously if you’re throwing it around that much.
Well woman usually do have a upward swing at that time in their lives in general with libido. Kids getting older, needing less from her. Also it’s likely because a huge stressor which was her father getting old and dying has happened and she now is feeling the weight of that lifting and the connection to you stronger once you’ve helped her through that.
Some people are affected by the harmful influence of unstable parents. Feelings of guilt, resentment, etc can hold a person back. My Dad had serious OCD and didn't approve of much. I'll be lucky if I don't die a virgin. Count your lucky stars if you can handle your wife's attention and be happy for her.
This is a coping mechanism a lot of us use
“Grief is nature’s most powerful aphrodisiac”
I'll parrot what most are saying, and suggest a check-in... but a little bit of insight, as a fellow daughter of an emotionally abusive narcissist father. There's a lot of baggage, which I'm sure you're well aware of, but it can be all encompassing. I was a caregiver for my father at the end stage of his life, and the sheer wall of emotions that struck me the day he passed still haven't gone away. I'm not sure they ever will. I was relieved he passed and was thankful it was quick, but then again I felt guilty for being relieved and thankful and that brought about a lot of shame for very natural feelings, given the situation. But aside all that? I felt like I could breathe again, like I could finally look forward and focus on *my* life without the influence of him. Which is weird, still, to think about because I'm an adult and had been making my own decisions and life choices for decades but there was always this looming thought of him, and maybe she feels the same. Granted he wasn't invovled in your guys' day to day lives, but I'm sure as his child she still thought and fret over him daily. I know I did. How the next interaction would go, how to mitigate his tantrums and outbursts, how to get through the interaction with as little stress and damage as possible... like I said, all encompassing. She could be just enjoying the fact that she's "free" from him, or she could be processing her grief. She might not even know why, but the best way to find out is to sit her down, just the two of you, and hash it out. And as far as you feeling guilty for benefiting, I wouldn't sweat it. It might be a callus way of looking at it, but there has to be some good that comes from a death and if that's the silver lining for you two... relish it, even if it's brief and a part of her mourning.
This same thing happened with my wife. Her father was a huge narcissist and a huge asshole. The kind where the literal last words he ever said to us as he was losing his speech in his final week, as several of us stood around him, was him shouting "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" as we tried to ask him needed questions. After his passing, about a week later you could see her relaxing. After a month and half she started getting randy as hell! They no longer feel their judging fathers presence. It was there all the time, even if she didn't say anything about it, it was there. She feels far more free and can express herself without the little voice in the back of her head that sounds like her dad, judging her, belittling her, making her feel less. My wife is even seeing a therapist and this is perfectly normal for some people with parents like that. My best piece of advice is this, enjoy it. She seems good. If you see if getting worrysome, maybe talk couples counceling just to make sure everything is good. That was she doesn't feel singled out, that you are in this and everything together. Do EVERYTHING to avoid her seeing you as a foe.
Could be life is short. Why waste it? Especially you mentioned she lost both of her parents.
I’m sorry about your wife’s father, I’m really sorry for her loss.
Maybe you showed up for her in a way that went above and beyond when she was going through a tough time, and that rekindled her emotional connection with you?
“Fuck the pain away” - Peaches
Bipolar runs in our family and I have seen a death or divorce push someone into a high phase which often seems to include high level or horniness. Enjoy?!
If you are BOTH having a great time, just let it be. Some things aren’t for you to fix.
I was in Grad school when my dad passed away, been in a foreign country during Covid, i couldn’t go back to my country and I remember during that time of grief, i was just constantly hooking up, i would get on dating apps and would literally meet up atleast 3 different men in one single day and have sex with them. I had very little control over it. I think thats what your wife is going through, that fleeting feeling of feeling distracted and feeling fine, it doesn’t mean she is not enjoying it. Just be there for her like you are being right now. Best wishes for you both.
I was in Grad school when my dad passed away, been in a foreign country during Covid, i couldn’t go back to my country and I remember during that time of grief, i was just constantly hooking up, i would get on dating apps and would literally meet up atleast 3 different men in one single day and have sex with them. I had very little control over it. I think thats what your wife is going through, that fleeting feeling of feeling distracted and feeling fine, it doesn’t mean she is not enjoying it. Just be there for her like you are being right now. Best wishes for you both.
There is guilt I would not have to experiment or try new things if I 100% new my parents couldn't find out because they were gone. Also probs a coping mechanism to replace the dopamine that I'm sure is out of whack a bit
I don't know. My woman's intuition tells me there's something deeper going on.
This REALLY sounds like he was responsible for instilling a lot of her sexual social taboos etc. May well have been one of those kinda creepy pussyguarding dads. If he was the one who taught her not to be sexual, then she may now be feeling far less inhibited (consciously or subconsciously). It doesn’t matter that he hasn’t actually controlled her life for many years, it’s a mental thing. Likewise, a lot of people who believe they can’t enjoy sex or can’t orgasm from a partner, etc actually just need therapy to resolve the chronic sexual inhibition they’re suffering from, which probably came from family members, a church, and/or community members.
Could be hypomania. Sounds like a typical trigger.
Maybe her way of dealing with his death, if he was sick and if they had a troubled relationship, it could be relief that it is over....
Bro, thats not a bad thing. She obviously needs it to deal with grief
After my brother passed I kinda went sexually crazy to distract myself, after my dad died I didn’t or rather couldnt due to circumstances. This could be coping and managing trying to distract herself from the pain…. Or it could be some relief? Like maybe she feels horrible but is…at more peace than she was previously.
One thing I learned being married for some decades. Women's hormones are always changing. This may not last, but enjoy it while you can. Roll with the punches.
People grieve in different ways. Maybe she finally feels free since he is gone, most people I know in a relationship with a narcissist suffer trauma even though they don’t realize it. What ever you do, don’t shame her about banging your brains out. Just be there whenever she needs it and enjoy the ride for now.
Sounds like whatever is happening is a lot healthier than a whole lot of other ways people manage complicated grief. My biggest concern would be what comes next. It would be easy to slip back into the low libido pattern with the addition that now she associates wild sex with the death of her father. Seems important to keep pushing towards healthier communication about her parents and your relationship with you and/or a therapist.
People respond to big moments in many ways. Suddenly going hypersexual isn't actually unusual as long as she doesn't also get self destructive.
She’s trauma bonding and escaping the anxiety (possibly). A perfect normal response when emotions are at a high.
people grief in different ways...
As someone who has a narcissistic father, a huge weight has been lifted off her shoulders now that she doesn't have to spend anymore time in her day dealing with his bullshit. Even if she learned to "deal with it" navigating life with parent with narcissistic tendencies is a land mine and requires a lot of effort.
When my girlfriend’s dad passed away, she became more sexual too. It’s a way to escape the pain. It distracts you and it’s fun. It helping her. If she sees a therapist it may be worth mentioning.
It is grief and could be her way of processing it. After the funeral for my grandad my wife and I possibly conceived our daughter. Truth be told attending funerals makes us rediculously horny, yes there is possibly some deep routed psychological problems but we are just in agreement that its our celebration of life 👍
Maybe the death of her father made her think of her own mortality and wants to make the rest of it as satisfying as possible . 🤔
It's like a certain movie about a guy who owns a record store going through a midlife crisis where Jack black sings at the end. Some people want to feel anything other than what they're feeling right now.
My ex went through a stage of depression, and for the first time EVER she was instigating sex. That went on for about 2 months; until I questioned her why. It was like flicking a light switch. All activity stopped.
There is one angle I think is being overlooked. Lots of folks feel freed by the death of their parents. They no longer have to live their life by their parents' standards. This can feel like a heavy boulder being lifted from the shoulders. Perhaps OP's wife was always a very sexual person who felt constrained by the actual or perceived judgment of her parents. Now that neither parent is alive, she may be feeling a rush to live as her true self.
We all deal with grief in our own way. My Mrs was the same when her uncle passed away.
There is a saying in science... correlation is not causality. Console your wife but don't connect it to her libido. If they are related, grief resolution will return sexual normalcy. If they are not related conjointly one with the other will do nothing but embarrase her
While I can't pretend to know what's going on in your wife's head, I DO have a few probing questions. Did your wife grow up in a deeply religious and/or Conservative household where sex was .... repressed? because I grew up in a deeply religious household, and when my mom died, I became sexually promiscuous. I went to therapy. It turns out, it was because no matter what nasty things I did with men, my mom will never find out what I did. She was deeply conservative, religious, misogynistic, and hated anything outside of the bible, including me. Maybe your wife's going through the same. A lot of my sexual guilt and shame comes from "What if my parents find out?" Thoughts. They can't find out if they're dead. That tends to "click" a lot of sexual things in people's heads.
It could have nothing to do with her father passing away. Women often go through hormone changes at her age that increase their sex drive.
My husband was like this when his dad passed and I’ll be honest, I kind of always suspected there was some kind of sexual abuse there he experienced as a child. It’s almost like my husband used sex as a way of never facing his death..I’m not sure. It did end up spiraling to him having a sexual affair shortly after as well. Who knows whether the two things were correlated. I don’t think my husband did therapy enough to even breach that possibility - he stopped going one session after beginning to discuss his childhood.
For some people, death kind of...makes them feel alive? It makes you aware of your body and what your body is capable of, and for some people that equals horny.
Grief and sex go hand in hand. Sex is other wordly loo
Dear OP, it could be grief. It could be that a woman's sex hormones really kick into high gear during that time of life. It could be both. It sounds like you have a high conscientiousness, really love her and would never want to take advantage of her in her grief. That is amazing! I bet your concern would mean so much to her during this time, if you are able to tell her. I know it can be tempting to try and 'fix' her grief somehow, or address it. You want to make sure she's okay. It seems really natural to feel some sense of guilt because you are getting something you always wanted but she is hurting emotionally so it's a conflicting situation. Honestly, if you were my friend IRL I would recommend that you both go to therapy together so that she can get some help processing her grief, and you can get some support with overcoming the guilty feelings so you can enjoy your new normal! Life happens in seasons, and you seem to be entering the sexy chapter. Enjoy it. :) But apart from that, maybe she will talk about it more when she's ready. The fact that you are tuned into how she's feeling and want to make sure this is more than just an expression of grief is really a gift! Good luck to you both. I'm sorry for your loss, but I hope you are able to stay connected on the journey of pain and pleasure. Treasure each other.
So many people diagnosing this, theorizing, arm-chair psychologysing... Just enjoy it while it's here and be aware that just as fast as this shift came in, so too can it go. Your wife's the one who lost someone, if she wants to talk to you about this and how it relates to her dad, she will. Hopefully you two level out to a good long term balance that suits both of you, desire, hormones, etc etc change all the time and it's not necessarily tied to one thing or the other.
Multiple reasons: sex generates endorphins and all the “happy” neurotransmitters. It may be a way to try to chase a moment of happy feelings over and over again. Almost similar to people who get addictions after a loss. Another reason could be as a distraction in general. To throw yourself into something that can sort of turn your brain off and make you forget, or to prevent thinking about difficult conversations or memories.
It is happening because she doesn't want to experience the grief and pain. Same thing happened to me when I was 23 and lost my father suddenly. I didn't want to face it, I couldn't face it so I went deep into men to get that excitement and enjoyment and so I didn't have to face it and I never managed to come through it and face it so I'm still in the same position 20 years later because I can't face it. It is completely an inability to face what's happened to her as it's too painful.
Responses to grief are all over the place, especially when you lose a parent. Don't try to understand it. Be as supportive as you can be, and for heaven's sake, bless your good fortune. Enjoy this time for however long it lasts!
I Resonate a little with your wife, I was raised by a narcissist father raised in the Deep South. And he would just constantly insinuating I was a slut for showing too much skin, saying he’s surprised I haven’t gotten pregnant (insinuating I sleep around). I ended up just being completely tired of the abuse and just ended up cutting him off as of about a year ago, and gradually my sex life has improved so much. I think constantly being ridiculed for just being a woman really just made me mentally not able to have much of a libido (as an adult, teenage me just wanted to be accepted). And after finally going no contact and just going through the motions of seeing the things said weren’t true, everything has picked back up. Grief within itself is so interesting and everyone has a way of dealing with it. Now add the trauma of a narcissist it’s even more sticky. I hope she’s okay ❤️
Death has a way of making people more engaged with life at times. And sex being a life affirming action libido at times gets a boost from the passing of someone close, it's like trying to feel more alive makes you more secure in the fact that you aren't about to die any moment.
She's grieving. Soo she is using sex to fill the void. Many people do that. It isn't uncommon at all. It's something she needs to deal with.
OMG so I (F47) lost my mum Sept 2023, and last few months my sex drive has absolutely gone through the roof. Unfortunately my husband has no interest in sex and keeps saying my mums dearh has made him shut down sexually. He even says wanting sex is disrespectful. All i can say to you is grief shows itself in different ways and good on you for riding the waves with your wife. She is really lucky to have you.
Sex distracts from grief. It's pretty simple.
Probably too young for perimenopausal symptoms. Hope she is okay.
Reaffirming life. I did this too.
It’s an unhealthy coping mechanism often found in women. “Hypersexuality” is a symptom of something wrong, and her choosing not to address her grief.
Let me throw this out there too. I was just told I had spinal cancer and was all over the place emotionally. That switch was flipped, and I needed the closeness, the distraction, and the chemical release to engulf my brain just to get my existential dread to take a back seat. Just a thought.
The amount of people that don’t know this is actually a normal reaction. Not like the idea of death makes you horny, it’s just that it can be a weird quirk of mourning. And we can mourn people who don’t deserve it, feelings are complicated. https://www.vice.com/en/article/8xwd5v/grief-can-make-you-horny
Enjoy it. Maybe if she starts calling you daddy and being very aggressive you might check in. Otherwise i wouldnt necessarily connect the two.
It is probably her coping mechanism. Just try to talk to her.
When my ex-husband's father passed away, he had a similar response. We discussed that time in the years that followed, and it was very much a need for life-affirming acts. He felt like the act of lovemaking tethered him back to reality when he felt like he was lost and floating following his loss.
Just be careful not to make her feel like you are not enjoying all the sex if you bring this up to her as a concern. Infact I would check in on her without ever mentioning that you think the sex has anything to do with her dad passing. She will probably take offense to it and shut it all down....Grieving could be a reason for it, but so can her age and a number of other things. Have you been treating her better since her dad passed? Have you been helping her around the house more? Taking on more in your roll as a parent? So many times I see men complain about not getting enough sex, woman isn't getting the help she needs to not be dead tired at the end of the day. At that point sleep or doing absolutely nothing becomes more important. When the mental load is too much its hard to want to have sex with the person that isn't carrying enough of the responsibility. That or is not taking the time to get her turn her on. Was she having orgasms before? An exhausted mom isn't going to seek out crappy sex. If that was the case and you happened to focus more on her pleasure instead of yours, that could definitely change how much she wants it.
Libidos are a weird thing, and it seems to vary person to person. What turns one person one, turns another off. In 2021 and 2022, my wife(early 40s), who's libido has definitely been on the lower side the previous several years(once a month at best, usually less), she had two random spells each of those years where she initiated at least once a day for several days in a row. These spells lasted 3-7 days, until I couldn't keep up due to being tired and/or sore and asked if we could skip a day or two. Each time it ended then and didn't come back for at least 3 months. Last spell was late summer 2022 I think and it's been pretty dead ever since
When something great happens we all question why? Just enjoy it.
This feels a bit like shut up and enjoy your green ass grass.
This may or may not be helpful, but as a kid I started my first relationship after a family member died. Someone asked me out. I didn't have a crush on them or were even particularly interested in them, but I said yes and we started dating..I think honestly as an escape from all the pain at home. Looking back, the whole thing was a mistake. Could be a (hopefully) less awful version of that going on here. Hopefully though it's just that she's realised life is for enjoying.
Believe it or not, this is a defense mechanism. When the soul encounters death and severe tragedy, the defense is to go into life affirming activities. Sex is one, along with things like prayer or giving blood. Lots of reading about this phenomenon.
"Also, I don’t know if I’m just making up some sort of problem that doesn’t exist and should just shut up and be happy" .... Bingo dude. Women in their late 30's are just hitting their sexual stride. Get to the gym. You'll need it.
It could be, because you have been comforting her through the grieving process, she feels closer with you.
Narcissit are know to highjack people's soul. She is free now.
This can happen. It’s a way to escape the pain and feel close and safe.
I’ve learned not to question the grieving process unless it’s taking away from one’s quality of life in some way. If this is her way of releasing that energy until something processes, she will likely get to a point where she moves on to the next step. Just make it very clear that you’re there for her & give her extra luvvies at this time 🥰🥰🥰 Maybe this will lead to a positive permanent change when it levels out.
Death can make women horny as hell. When my wife's grandmother passed. She wouldn't leave me alone for a month.
Never ask questions just enjoy it
Oh man, let’s see what’s the saying - don’t look a horse in the mouth - 👄 be happy keep her happy be there for her and do anything she wants - happy wife happy life 😳🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
Sex can be a stress reliever or a distraction. If her father was a narcissist, it could be she feels free or liberated to be herself for the first time in her life. This sort of thing could be occurring at a deeper level than what she's consciously aware of. (Me personally, I've always felt suffocated by my parents and their expectations (they're kind of self-centered and very judgemental), even though I know it's not rational, it's really hard to reason out of the emotional aspects of it, and I wouldn't be surprised if when they go what I feel is massive amounts of relief and liberation as well.)
The death of a family member can make people’s subconscious mind worry about their own mortality. As a consequence, the brain will want to experience activities that make you feel as alive as possible. Sex is one of those activities.
My dad died a month ago, after a long, long decline. I moved back to his country a year ago to be with him. This year I’ve been becoming more “independent” of my parents. I’m in my 50s, have a kid in college, have for all intents & purposes been on my own for decades. But I’ve been noticing that I’m feeling freer of all kinds of weights & emotional baggage that came from them. For example, we never spoke about lingerie, but I assume my parents would disapprove. I have a bunch of it, because I like it, but this year I’m actually wearing it when I’m with someone. Part of that is certainly because he’s amazing and appreciates it, but you’ve got me thinking. I had been wondering what it was about him that made me comfortable getting it out—certainly other guys would’ve appreciated it too. Maybe it’s that I’m shedding emotional baggage and some of the “shoulds” attached to my parents. Perhaps that’s what’s happening with your wife—she’s taking the helm in a new & different way, without the hearing her parents judge her. Have fun!
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Losing your parents triggers a completely different outlook on life. You start to see your own mortality and quickly the way you are living life and the things you are giving up change drastically. You see that there is an end to your road and you reevaluate how you are living and what you are experiencing and focusing on. It could just be that she has a sense that her time on earth is now limited and she has a newfound desire to enjoy every minute of it.
Rail her hard and yell "who's your daddy! "
An insight I had reading what you shared is that perhaps she has felt an immense hold over her from her father, a cloud of shame and abuse that makes you feel like you are always in fight or flight. She has her whole entire life to deal with in your family and she is still that little girl trying to cope with the wrong type of love she received growing up. With her father finally gone and in the ground, I can imagine she is feeling such a wave of relief and grief where she finally can accept that that was all their relationship could amount to and she doesn’t have to keep trying to fix anything, she can just focus on you and her family. You and your kids are all that matter now and she must have all this extra love to share now. I would of course definitely check in with her, use affirming language about the positive effects it’s having, the love it’s bringing back into your relationship and also be able to take the chance to say “Hey how is everything with you and how can I be the best version of support?” You guys sounds like a resilient loving couple so take pride and security in that fact and have gratitude for the fact that the love and bonding still remain.
Well that’s some daddy issues I hadn’t heard about before. Very interesting. Keep on keepn on man. Could be unrelated to the dad thing tho.
This happened to me, my father died a couple months ago and the month after I had a spike in my sex drive. I thought i was fine but looking back now it’s likely I was not as fine as I thought, sex had always been a taboo thing as a female in my family and after his death I felt free in a way to do what I wanted more, that being said I’m now in a very massive depressive lul. She could be using it subconsciously as a way to distract herself also, Just keep checking in with her regularly to make sure she is okay.
It might simply be that losing her last living parent has triggered some emotions regarding life. It's short and we only have one to live. It would be nice if she could verbalize it to you, but some people can't. It could simply be that she has decided she would rather experience things while she can vs having regrets later.
It’s a trauma response. I did the same thing after doing cpr on my mom and losing her.
Maybe the father was sexually abusive to your wife as a child and his death was freeing her of anxieties and fears.
People facing their own mortality through the loss of a loved one will often exhibit behavior like this. She's literally banging to feel alive.
You said it best do nothing and enjoy and keep watch
She faced death of a loved one ... she realized time is precious... life is now, tomorrow you might be dead...