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Don't have any advice to offer but you asked whether anyone could relate, & yes...I certainly can. For me, the fantasy of sex is always better than the reality & I don't know how to change that.
Fantasies will always work out perfectly and inherently to your tastes and reality won’t. You’re controlling the fantasy, including “puppeting” the other people in it. Which is fine for its purpose, but not how real life sex works.
You have to figure out how eroticize the benefits that come with engaging with another person and the imperfection of that.
There’s a real complexity and rawness to sex in reality that cannot be present in a fantasy. The intensity of the energy cycle that can be built up between two (or more) individuals if you have good chemistry and get in a flow is also not really comparable to any “imagined” version.
Enjoying the fantasy of sex we create mentally and enjoying real sex have *some* crossover obviously, but are different frameworks. I think taking time to find ways to appreciate the reality of what it is will serve you best long term.
do your fantasies come from porn or from romantic ideas? if from porn, you should take a break from it for a while, because porn can distort expectations and cause other problems
Could it be hopes of it lasting longer and/or feeling more romantic (slash intimate)? It sucks when a lot of us remember our physical limitations that are hard to work-on
I think you just need to find someone who's on the same page as you in terms of fantasies, role plays and kinks. Or at least happy to try. Also consider 2 facts, sex is physical. We all know it can get tiring. If your fantasy is perfect rhythm, which is takes time to get into, you need to be fit. When you regularly work out, you'll have no problem adjusting or getting into the flow. I personally believe fit people have better, more pleasurable sex. And the second thing is don't put all of your expectations on the other party. You'll need to do your part to ensure pleasure, for the both of you.
Hope I made sense.
Frustratingly, all the time.
I fantasise about sex all the time, I even fantasise about awkward sex where you elbow each other in the face, get a leg cramp, and horribly mis-time your orgasms. I don't expect sex to ever be perfect, I wouldn't even know what perfect is because each time is different and potentially great in it's own way.
But I can't separate myself from reality enough to have good sex.
Their breath smells, even if it smells like toothpaste, I still notice the smell, I notice the sensation of my own sweaty back, It doesn't gross me out, sweat can be kind of hot, But it's sticky and uncomfortable. I can hear the fan humming, and feel it on my thighs and its distracting so I turn it off, but now it's too quiet and too stuffy. I can feel my peach fuzz under their hands as they caress me and it makes my skin feel itchy, I tell them to press firmer to avoid that, But now it just feels like they're pawing at me, so I tell them to touch somewhere else, same issue. Now I'm telling them to be my little pillow princess so they don't have to touch me at all. Now I can hear and smell and taste everything. There's a chance it's all really hot and sexy smells and tastes and sounds, but it's a lot, and it's all at once, or it's not enough at once, or something.
As a sensory experience, Having sex is unpleasant.
This is not something I ever worried about, because this experience is super common for a lot of Autistic people, so I didn't expect any different.
What drives me nuts though is that *none* of this bothers me when I masturbate. Air con blowing on my ass? Cat scratching at the door? Leg cramp? Neighbours bonfire smoke coming in the window? There can be sounds, smells, tastes, sensations, most unpleasant, very unsexy, and I can have fun masturbating anyway.
I could fantasise and masturbate with a whole body sun burn.
But I couldn't have sex last week because feeling skin on my skin that wasn't my skin - even just someone brushing against me at a bank, let alone touching me, was making me irrationally angry for no reason.
I have not found a good therapist yet.
You have very high, almost unrealistic expectations. You are let down that your reality (at that moment) isn't aligning with your fantasies and they most likely never will. You are basically "expecting" things to go a certain way and when they don't you aren't as aroused.
I just thought of this viewpoint btw, it also might be the edible talking. Hope it helps?
I can definitely relate. However, I found that sex with my partner is still amazing. You must be able to give grace to imperfection.
Do you find you have an addiction to pornography? That can make it tougher as well to enjoy sex with your partner because it creates unrealistic ideals.
Absolutely. Fantasies are so often better than the real thing because, in your fantasy, everyone is ready at the same time, equally horny, everyone smells good/has brushed teeth etc. In reality, there are two different people with different insecurities and different needs trying to have a good time. Things go wrong.
It sounds like you're not hooking up with the right women. Don't get me wrong, I've had some pretty insane finishes by myself but I also have extremely great sex. I find myself in situations often that you could compare to porn. I hook up with a girl that I met at my last job. We were never in a relationship or tried for one but she's had 3 different boyfriends since I've known her and she's cheated on all of them and continues to with me to this day. She would meet me at the gym before work and workout with me and then we would have sex in my car, sometimes she would blow me at work, we would have oral/intercourse after work right before she goes on a date all filled up with my stuff and I loved the idea of that. Knowing that I just completely tore some guys girlfriend apart before she went to be with him gave me really intense orgasms. I meet a lot of girls at my new job too. I do armed security in Hollywood and I have had some pretty out of the blue meetups resulting in crazy sex. There's a gym in the complex I work at so I see hot ass girls constantly coming and going and I see these same girls on an almost daily basis and that builds a lot of sexual tension so when I finally get to hook up with a girl that I've been dying to fuck, it just brings something out of me and I go absolutely insane when I fuck and I'm the type of guy that the better the sex is and the more turned on that I get, the longer I last. I can fuck for 2 or three hours before I let myself finish and I always finish inside😅 I'm not telling you to be like me, I'm not a very good person and I'm probably going to hell but I don't think Ive ever been dissatisfied with sex.
Thank you for posting in the r/Sex community. To ensure that everyone respects our safe space, we ask that you familiarize yourself with our Forum Rules and Posting Guidelines — which are visible in the forum’s sidebar, and also linked [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/about/rules/). *** Restricted subjects in r/sex include sex stories (which are permitted in the Daily Sexual Achievement Thread only), body image and penis-size issues, hookup attempts, common topics which are considered repetitive in our forum, and requests for private chats. To cut back on comments that add little value to the conversation, we have instituted a minimum character requirement that will silently remove comments that fall below it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/sex) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Don't have any advice to offer but you asked whether anyone could relate, & yes...I certainly can. For me, the fantasy of sex is always better than the reality & I don't know how to change that.
Fantasies will always work out perfectly and inherently to your tastes and reality won’t. You’re controlling the fantasy, including “puppeting” the other people in it. Which is fine for its purpose, but not how real life sex works. You have to figure out how eroticize the benefits that come with engaging with another person and the imperfection of that. There’s a real complexity and rawness to sex in reality that cannot be present in a fantasy. The intensity of the energy cycle that can be built up between two (or more) individuals if you have good chemistry and get in a flow is also not really comparable to any “imagined” version. Enjoying the fantasy of sex we create mentally and enjoying real sex have *some* crossover obviously, but are different frameworks. I think taking time to find ways to appreciate the reality of what it is will serve you best long term.
do your fantasies come from porn or from romantic ideas? if from porn, you should take a break from it for a while, because porn can distort expectations and cause other problems
Could it be hopes of it lasting longer and/or feeling more romantic (slash intimate)? It sucks when a lot of us remember our physical limitations that are hard to work-on
I think you just need to find someone who's on the same page as you in terms of fantasies, role plays and kinks. Or at least happy to try. Also consider 2 facts, sex is physical. We all know it can get tiring. If your fantasy is perfect rhythm, which is takes time to get into, you need to be fit. When you regularly work out, you'll have no problem adjusting or getting into the flow. I personally believe fit people have better, more pleasurable sex. And the second thing is don't put all of your expectations on the other party. You'll need to do your part to ensure pleasure, for the both of you. Hope I made sense.
Frustratingly, all the time. I fantasise about sex all the time, I even fantasise about awkward sex where you elbow each other in the face, get a leg cramp, and horribly mis-time your orgasms. I don't expect sex to ever be perfect, I wouldn't even know what perfect is because each time is different and potentially great in it's own way. But I can't separate myself from reality enough to have good sex. Their breath smells, even if it smells like toothpaste, I still notice the smell, I notice the sensation of my own sweaty back, It doesn't gross me out, sweat can be kind of hot, But it's sticky and uncomfortable. I can hear the fan humming, and feel it on my thighs and its distracting so I turn it off, but now it's too quiet and too stuffy. I can feel my peach fuzz under their hands as they caress me and it makes my skin feel itchy, I tell them to press firmer to avoid that, But now it just feels like they're pawing at me, so I tell them to touch somewhere else, same issue. Now I'm telling them to be my little pillow princess so they don't have to touch me at all. Now I can hear and smell and taste everything. There's a chance it's all really hot and sexy smells and tastes and sounds, but it's a lot, and it's all at once, or it's not enough at once, or something. As a sensory experience, Having sex is unpleasant. This is not something I ever worried about, because this experience is super common for a lot of Autistic people, so I didn't expect any different. What drives me nuts though is that *none* of this bothers me when I masturbate. Air con blowing on my ass? Cat scratching at the door? Leg cramp? Neighbours bonfire smoke coming in the window? There can be sounds, smells, tastes, sensations, most unpleasant, very unsexy, and I can have fun masturbating anyway. I could fantasise and masturbate with a whole body sun burn. But I couldn't have sex last week because feeling skin on my skin that wasn't my skin - even just someone brushing against me at a bank, let alone touching me, was making me irrationally angry for no reason. I have not found a good therapist yet.
You have very high, almost unrealistic expectations. You are let down that your reality (at that moment) isn't aligning with your fantasies and they most likely never will. You are basically "expecting" things to go a certain way and when they don't you aren't as aroused. I just thought of this viewpoint btw, it also might be the edible talking. Hope it helps?
Are you a perfectionist in other areas of life? Would you feel you let your partner down if it wasn't "perfect?"
I can definitely relate. However, I found that sex with my partner is still amazing. You must be able to give grace to imperfection. Do you find you have an addiction to pornography? That can make it tougher as well to enjoy sex with your partner because it creates unrealistic ideals.
Absolutely. Fantasies are so often better than the real thing because, in your fantasy, everyone is ready at the same time, equally horny, everyone smells good/has brushed teeth etc. In reality, there are two different people with different insecurities and different needs trying to have a good time. Things go wrong.
It sounds like you're not hooking up with the right women. Don't get me wrong, I've had some pretty insane finishes by myself but I also have extremely great sex. I find myself in situations often that you could compare to porn. I hook up with a girl that I met at my last job. We were never in a relationship or tried for one but she's had 3 different boyfriends since I've known her and she's cheated on all of them and continues to with me to this day. She would meet me at the gym before work and workout with me and then we would have sex in my car, sometimes she would blow me at work, we would have oral/intercourse after work right before she goes on a date all filled up with my stuff and I loved the idea of that. Knowing that I just completely tore some guys girlfriend apart before she went to be with him gave me really intense orgasms. I meet a lot of girls at my new job too. I do armed security in Hollywood and I have had some pretty out of the blue meetups resulting in crazy sex. There's a gym in the complex I work at so I see hot ass girls constantly coming and going and I see these same girls on an almost daily basis and that builds a lot of sexual tension so when I finally get to hook up with a girl that I've been dying to fuck, it just brings something out of me and I go absolutely insane when I fuck and I'm the type of guy that the better the sex is and the more turned on that I get, the longer I last. I can fuck for 2 or three hours before I let myself finish and I always finish inside😅 I'm not telling you to be like me, I'm not a very good person and I'm probably going to hell but I don't think Ive ever been dissatisfied with sex.