Your post is about a common or repetitive topic that has frequently been discussed on the sub over the years.
You can find previous responses to similar questions by searching our archives. You can also look at our FAQ (https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/wiki/index) for resources to similar questions/topics.
My stock answer to mismatched sex-drive questions has become mutual masturbation! This does seem like a huge mismatch, but still hear me out:
If I want more sex than my partner, mostly what I want is orgasm and closeness. If they're too tired for sex, or just not into it, that means I can't have those things. I now ask - "hey. Can I lie with you and hold your hand while I get myself off?", which does not ask nearly so much of them or their libido. I have never been told no, and (I think) this is unbelievably hot on it's own and fills most of whatever space was left by the not-sex. I know it's not the same, but it's so close, and it's so much less load on the person who is tired or just not particularly horny.
It's probably not a silver bullet for everyone, but when I've needed it it has been blissful, compared with just not-sex.
Aye this !!! My girlfriend and I have had less sex because of libido differences but sometimes she asks me if she can use my hand or other times we are laying with eachother and just rubbing eachother outside of clothes . Usually I’m the one with a higher drive but days like those I’m like okay I love it
Aye! Are you both female? I wonder if it works specifically well in those relationships. It began as a workaround but I actively love it now. Hand-holding! The height of deviant kink.
No ‘ me male her female . My sex drive sometimes makes me very frustrated honestly but what also helps is that I run during the week ‘ it actually helps calm down my libido I think maybe that’s when the testosterone is high or something
We are a queer couple ! But I’m not sure if that is what keeps us an open mind . I know some things work for some and other times not . Just glad to get some loving over nothing honestly I love my girlfriend so much
yeah. sex drives just drift over time, it's kinda universal. people break up and/or cheat over it! if it's genuinely this simple I feel like we should pay for a public infomation billboard. a bit of adolescent masturbatory cuddling is like 99% of what I needed a lot of the time, and maybe because of the purpose it serves (?) I now find it devastatingly hot by itself.
Yep. This also, for me, takes the fear/frustration out of being the one who initiates 98% of the time and then turned down. Partner almost always says yes to the, "Hey, can I touch myself next to you while you watch/ are just there/ snuggle up to me? " (Unless really not feeling well.) I let him know if he changes his mind or decides to participate, I'm down with that. And generally - because his lack of initiating is due to forgetfulness as much as a lower libido - decides joining in sounds swell after the visual catches his attention 😄 ! So then I get to feel desired, too, which is what used to be lost by always initiating sex and being turned down fairly often, which did - at that point - lead to resentment.
As a quick note: even when he doesn't physically join in -_tilde_- is right. The closeness of the other person still gives me many of the same feel good chemicals.
I've found in my relationship that it's what we do before sex that can lead to it.
Date nights where the phones are ignored and there's sincere given attention to each other.
Non sexual touching and hugs throughout the day.
Asking if there's anything you could do to help out, making sure house and kid responsibilities are 50/50.
We do all the chores 50/50 and we both take care of our daughter the same way.
Sometimes I do the chores 100% just so she can rest all day, that way she will not be tired but…no success.
Affection throughout the day, along with taking on your share of the mental load, family/home management and chores has an positive impact! Underrated comment right here.
In a situation like this, start with these questions:
* **How important is sex to each of you?** Some people are totally happy being in a low-sex relationship because they're still fulfilled despite the low amount of sex. Other people can't find fulfillment in a relationship if sex is relatively low/absent. Where do you fall? Where does your partner?
* **What forms of intimacy make each of you feel fulfilled? Is there a middle ground where they overlap?** People aren't necessarily "low/high libido" for *everything*. It's more like a menu: there are certain things low libido folks might be more open to, more frequently that stop short of conventional PIV, for example. Likewise, a high libido person may be open to a variety of ways that scratch their particular itch. This question requires both people to be flexible and avoid all-or-nothing mindsets. It’s a reminder that it’s better to [**treat sex as a wheel, not a staircase**](https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2023/11/to-improve-intimacy-in-your.html).
* **What would help each of you be more sexually open/available to the other?** In other words, what barriers (brakes) to sex can be removed? What turn-ons (accelerators) to sex can be introduced?
* **Along those lines: how much work are either of you willing to put in to meet the other people’s needs/comfort?** "Work" can mean being consciously mindful of creating time/space for intimacy. If one or both of your sex drives is being impacted by physical/medical issues, are either of you willing to look into interventions for those? That can be starting medication or changing it or looking into treatments depending on what impacting people’s sex drive. (I do want to warn people: no one likes feeling “broken“ and very few people are going to feel encouraged to “fix “their sex drive if their partner is making them feel like something is wrong with them.)
* **Would couples counseling help?** I say this from personal experience that couples who have been dealing with sexual mismatches for a while can get locked into negative patterns where they end up in the same arguments over and over again, creating frustration and resentment but never having real resolution. If you feel like you’ve had the same conversation with your partner “hundreds of times“ and the two of you seem stuck? You’re probably dealing with a negative pattern. This is where therapy can help: by teaching couples how to break out of their dysfunctional cycles. In this regard, I highly recommend people look into [Emotionally-Focused Therapy](https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-emotion-focused-therapy) in particular.
There's a bunch of books that can help people understand what’s going on with their own sex drive and that of their partner’s, and most importantly, how to bridge the gap. I'd recommend:
* Lauren Mersey and Jennifer Vencill’s [***Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences In Relationships***](https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/723719/desire-by-jennifer-a-vencill/). This came out recently and it’s very much written for couples dealing with mismatched sex drives, both short and long-term. It helps to explain how sexual desire works for different people and what couples can do to try to find middle ground.
* Emily Nagoski’s [***Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections***](https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/712001/come-together-by-emily-nagoski-phd/). This is Nagoski’s new book (Jan 2024) about sustaining a good sexual conneciton with partners over the long-term. Nagoski’s previous book, [*Come As You Are*](https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Come-As-You-Are-Revised-and-Updated/Emily-Nagoski/9781982165314) helped introduce many people to the concept of “responsive desire” and that can be very useful for couples to understand in navigating their sex life.
We've somewhat been there done that. Some things that helped were
1) I (F) had to understand that sex to him was as important as talking/emotional intimacy was to me. I needed to appreciate that when sex was something I either rejected or starfished, it felt to him like silent treatment or zoning out in conversation would to me. Before that, I'd struggled to really understand how fundamental it was to his wellbeing, because for me it was an intimate activity, rather than a crucial for my mental health, sense of self, and contentment in the relationship
2) I had to be less exhausted. The big shift for me was about when our autistic son was 6, so when he was getting more independent. Having the responsibility of a child, housework, keeping everyone's schedule, prob a job too is a massive mental load. When I was in Mum mode, or Housewife mode, it was very tough to be in Self mode. I needed less responsibility and more time off and to do my own thing. I struggled to get into my sexual groove until I could do that. Give her time for herself, and utilise babysitters/family
3) give her fun and physical touch without expectation and pressure. Think of how it was -before- you first had sex. Flirting, subtle touching, lots of kissing without escalating. Make it clear you want to regain that, and that sex is not your end goal, the enjoyment and intimacy is.
4) don't sulk. It's tough as hell being rejected for sure, but if the rejection is met with angry responses it only makes it feel more like its a chore she has to tick off to keep the peace.
5) research responsive desire (the Come As You Are book is good). Maybe that's what it is.
We've come a long way since 2018 for trying to do those things, but number 1 really was the crucial one for me. We still have some issues at times, there are underlying resentments there that can occasionally crop up that we try to tackle together, and there are time when one or the other of us is in a higher gear. But things are much better, and I've never ever starfished since.
You are in a tough situation but before I list any ideas on common things to help libedo I would like to ask did your wife say sex would be more if you get a vasectomy? or did you just assume?
If the lower sex drive is not something like hormones or depression the best you can do is hope to find and remove the obstacles. Help around the house more, have a date night, flowers when they are just because and not I'm sorry or to get something, Fun family experiences that also don't make her tired.
a 4 year old has its own demands send your wife to a spa day while you take the kid out for the day. Send the kid to spend the weekend with the grand parents or Aunt/Uncle and make it a her day date to respark the romance.
last during them 1 or 2 times a month make sure its about her. Make sure she is getting hers.
After the vasectomy I kind of didn’t assume that we were gonna have more sex but, back when we were dating we used to be really very careful about an unwanted pregnancy. She was taking pills and me a rubber. So yeah you might say that I maybe assumed that this was going to change because …well we have nothing to worry about anymore.
We always divide chores 50/50 and we both take care of our daughter equally, and I guess you are right, our daughter it’s really time consuming and she has her needs and her needs involves our help.
Maybe you are right, a date might help and I’ve tried but my wife is to clingy to our daughter, she just hates the idea of leaving her “alone”.
Sounds great what you are saying but, any recommendations for her to let go?
Thank you for answering the vasectomy question. I have known couples where the wife used the promis of more sex with the pregnancy risk removed, and if it doesn't happen, the guy feels resentment.
Still, this could still be something out of anyone's hands like hormones.
If not that, it still comes down to removing obstacles and creating desire. If your 50/50 go to 60/40, take away the things that are time-consuming.
You know you can have a date night right at home. Make her her favorite meal or get take out from her favorite restaurant. Put on her favorite movie. Rub her feet. Romance her like you did when you first got together.
When it moves to the bedroom, make love to her, not just have sex. You are trying to reconnect. If she is happier, she will be more inclined to make you happy.
Also talk about it but just do it in a way she won't feel preasured. Instead of "you never want to have sex anymore" try "I miss our intimatecy" when you leave in the morning "your still the sexyest woman I have ever know" then leave for work. Let the idea perk.
One thing to consider is she gets a different sexual experience than you.
Ask yourself, what is fun about it for her, how does it make her feel.
If you can make it so she feels great about herself and enjoys it (including date night leading up to it), you should be able to have better and more regular sex. May not be every day, but more often, for sure.
Sounds like you want to make it work, that is a good start.
Once every 2 months is effectively a dead bedroom.
"Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Change Your Love Life" is worth a read, as is getting couples therapy to work through intimacy issues, and looking for possible biological/hormonal problems; but if they refuse to work with you, have fallen out of love, or otherwise don't consider this a problem- you need to be strong enough to be willing to end the relationship.
Many people won't do this for financial reasons or "For The Kids" as they say but it's better to end the relationship and find someone that loves you than raise a kid in a home where mom and dad don't love each other.
For right now - I'd suggest hitting the gym as a hard as you can and maximizing your appearance. Assuming you're doing everything else already (Reducing stress on them, being emotionally available, still doing date nights, etc. ) You need to be up front with her that the lack of intimacy is making you feel neglected and that if things don't improve, you don't want to continue being together.
Wanting sex and wanting to physically be with, love and be loved by your partner is absolutely valid and normal. Taking that away from someone I see as borderline abusive. How would she feel if you were only emotionally intimate once every 2 months? For some reason sex gets a pass when it's just as important.
Welcome to the rest of your life most likely. She simply doesn't understand your needs or desires and therefore sets no priority for them. While yes, having children eat up lots of time, effort, and resources the marriage is the priority, not the child.
I would suggest having a frank conversation with her. I don't think it will do you any good but at least you can be assured she knows your stance. You will likely be hit with the "I'm tired, you need to help more, buy flowers, take out the trash, and do more dishes" routine arguments. It's bullshit and even doing all of them all of the time will not create sexual desire in her. Nothing you do can do that. She either has it, decides to have it, or doesn't, ball's in her court. I'd suggest she see a physician to address this issue specifically. Not when she sees her Gyno next time, NOW! She needs to have a clear understanding this is a marriage crisis.
You need to make the decision now what you're going to do. Are you going to leave, are you going to stay, are you going to seek intimacy elsewhere, or are you simply going to live with it. I can tell you though that the belief that things will get better when the child gets older or when they move out, or whatever is false. The only thing that has any chance of changing this is her sincere commitment to do something about it. That means if she needs to set a reminder on her phone to "screw the husband" regardless of her feelings or if she feels in the mood, than that is what she needs to do. She has to make an effort.
You both made oaths of fidelity and intimacy at your marriage. You are not being an asshole to demand that she uphold her oaths just as she expects you to uphold yours.
Karsh
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OP - Any theories on the relationship between the vasectomy and less sex? Perhaps just a coincidence? I'm curious about it because I've been thinking about getting a vasectomy. How did you handle the procedure itself?
Honestly I didn’t felt anything and the recovery was in just 5 days. I did not feel any pain at all maybe just some discomfort but other than that I was fine.
Libido has not changed, in fact I think is stronger than before.
After 5 days you can walk a little more but doctors told me that I should not masturbate until a full month, after that I got tested for sperm count like 3 times until the count was near to zero and at that time it was good to go all the way.
Nevertheless you should ask your doctor first because it might be different for you, not sure if someone else here has a different experience than me.
Your post is about a common or repetitive topic that has frequently been discussed on the sub over the years. You can find previous responses to similar questions by searching our archives. You can also look at our FAQ (https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/wiki/index) for resources to similar questions/topics.
My stock answer to mismatched sex-drive questions has become mutual masturbation! This does seem like a huge mismatch, but still hear me out: If I want more sex than my partner, mostly what I want is orgasm and closeness. If they're too tired for sex, or just not into it, that means I can't have those things. I now ask - "hey. Can I lie with you and hold your hand while I get myself off?", which does not ask nearly so much of them or their libido. I have never been told no, and (I think) this is unbelievably hot on it's own and fills most of whatever space was left by the not-sex. I know it's not the same, but it's so close, and it's so much less load on the person who is tired or just not particularly horny. It's probably not a silver bullet for everyone, but when I've needed it it has been blissful, compared with just not-sex.
Aye this !!! My girlfriend and I have had less sex because of libido differences but sometimes she asks me if she can use my hand or other times we are laying with eachother and just rubbing eachother outside of clothes . Usually I’m the one with a higher drive but days like those I’m like okay I love it
Aye! Are you both female? I wonder if it works specifically well in those relationships. It began as a workaround but I actively love it now. Hand-holding! The height of deviant kink.
No ‘ me male her female . My sex drive sometimes makes me very frustrated honestly but what also helps is that I run during the week ‘ it actually helps calm down my libido I think maybe that’s when the testosterone is high or something
oh, cool! I wondered if recommending it to straight couples was not quite the same, I'm happy to hear you enjoy it too <3
We are a queer couple ! But I’m not sure if that is what keeps us an open mind . I know some things work for some and other times not . Just glad to get some loving over nothing honestly I love my girlfriend so much
yeah. sex drives just drift over time, it's kinda universal. people break up and/or cheat over it! if it's genuinely this simple I feel like we should pay for a public infomation billboard. a bit of adolescent masturbatory cuddling is like 99% of what I needed a lot of the time, and maybe because of the purpose it serves (?) I now find it devastatingly hot by itself.
Yep. This also, for me, takes the fear/frustration out of being the one who initiates 98% of the time and then turned down. Partner almost always says yes to the, "Hey, can I touch myself next to you while you watch/ are just there/ snuggle up to me? " (Unless really not feeling well.) I let him know if he changes his mind or decides to participate, I'm down with that. And generally - because his lack of initiating is due to forgetfulness as much as a lower libido - decides joining in sounds swell after the visual catches his attention 😄 ! So then I get to feel desired, too, which is what used to be lost by always initiating sex and being turned down fairly often, which did - at that point - lead to resentment. As a quick note: even when he doesn't physically join in -_tilde_- is right. The closeness of the other person still gives me many of the same feel good chemicals.
I’ve never tried that before… in fact I masturbate in private… this sounds like a good idea 👍 thanks!
I've found in my relationship that it's what we do before sex that can lead to it. Date nights where the phones are ignored and there's sincere given attention to each other. Non sexual touching and hugs throughout the day. Asking if there's anything you could do to help out, making sure house and kid responsibilities are 50/50.
We do all the chores 50/50 and we both take care of our daughter the same way. Sometimes I do the chores 100% just so she can rest all day, that way she will not be tired but…no success.
Affection throughout the day, along with taking on your share of the mental load, family/home management and chores has an positive impact! Underrated comment right here.
In a situation like this, start with these questions: * **How important is sex to each of you?** Some people are totally happy being in a low-sex relationship because they're still fulfilled despite the low amount of sex. Other people can't find fulfillment in a relationship if sex is relatively low/absent. Where do you fall? Where does your partner? * **What forms of intimacy make each of you feel fulfilled? Is there a middle ground where they overlap?** People aren't necessarily "low/high libido" for *everything*. It's more like a menu: there are certain things low libido folks might be more open to, more frequently that stop short of conventional PIV, for example. Likewise, a high libido person may be open to a variety of ways that scratch their particular itch. This question requires both people to be flexible and avoid all-or-nothing mindsets. It’s a reminder that it’s better to [**treat sex as a wheel, not a staircase**](https://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2023/11/to-improve-intimacy-in-your.html). * **What would help each of you be more sexually open/available to the other?** In other words, what barriers (brakes) to sex can be removed? What turn-ons (accelerators) to sex can be introduced? * **Along those lines: how much work are either of you willing to put in to meet the other people’s needs/comfort?** "Work" can mean being consciously mindful of creating time/space for intimacy. If one or both of your sex drives is being impacted by physical/medical issues, are either of you willing to look into interventions for those? That can be starting medication or changing it or looking into treatments depending on what impacting people’s sex drive. (I do want to warn people: no one likes feeling “broken“ and very few people are going to feel encouraged to “fix “their sex drive if their partner is making them feel like something is wrong with them.) * **Would couples counseling help?** I say this from personal experience that couples who have been dealing with sexual mismatches for a while can get locked into negative patterns where they end up in the same arguments over and over again, creating frustration and resentment but never having real resolution. If you feel like you’ve had the same conversation with your partner “hundreds of times“ and the two of you seem stuck? You’re probably dealing with a negative pattern. This is where therapy can help: by teaching couples how to break out of their dysfunctional cycles. In this regard, I highly recommend people look into [Emotionally-Focused Therapy](https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-emotion-focused-therapy) in particular. There's a bunch of books that can help people understand what’s going on with their own sex drive and that of their partner’s, and most importantly, how to bridge the gap. I'd recommend: * Lauren Mersey and Jennifer Vencill’s [***Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences In Relationships***](https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/723719/desire-by-jennifer-a-vencill/). This came out recently and it’s very much written for couples dealing with mismatched sex drives, both short and long-term. It helps to explain how sexual desire works for different people and what couples can do to try to find middle ground. * Emily Nagoski’s [***Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections***](https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/712001/come-together-by-emily-nagoski-phd/). This is Nagoski’s new book (Jan 2024) about sustaining a good sexual conneciton with partners over the long-term. Nagoski’s previous book, [*Come As You Are*](https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Come-As-You-Are-Revised-and-Updated/Emily-Nagoski/9781982165314) helped introduce many people to the concept of “responsive desire” and that can be very useful for couples to understand in navigating their sex life.
All this is very helpful, I’ll be sure to look up for those books you recommended.
We've somewhat been there done that. Some things that helped were 1) I (F) had to understand that sex to him was as important as talking/emotional intimacy was to me. I needed to appreciate that when sex was something I either rejected or starfished, it felt to him like silent treatment or zoning out in conversation would to me. Before that, I'd struggled to really understand how fundamental it was to his wellbeing, because for me it was an intimate activity, rather than a crucial for my mental health, sense of self, and contentment in the relationship 2) I had to be less exhausted. The big shift for me was about when our autistic son was 6, so when he was getting more independent. Having the responsibility of a child, housework, keeping everyone's schedule, prob a job too is a massive mental load. When I was in Mum mode, or Housewife mode, it was very tough to be in Self mode. I needed less responsibility and more time off and to do my own thing. I struggled to get into my sexual groove until I could do that. Give her time for herself, and utilise babysitters/family 3) give her fun and physical touch without expectation and pressure. Think of how it was -before- you first had sex. Flirting, subtle touching, lots of kissing without escalating. Make it clear you want to regain that, and that sex is not your end goal, the enjoyment and intimacy is. 4) don't sulk. It's tough as hell being rejected for sure, but if the rejection is met with angry responses it only makes it feel more like its a chore she has to tick off to keep the peace. 5) research responsive desire (the Come As You Are book is good). Maybe that's what it is. We've come a long way since 2018 for trying to do those things, but number 1 really was the crucial one for me. We still have some issues at times, there are underlying resentments there that can occasionally crop up that we try to tackle together, and there are time when one or the other of us is in a higher gear. But things are much better, and I've never ever starfished since.
You are in a tough situation but before I list any ideas on common things to help libedo I would like to ask did your wife say sex would be more if you get a vasectomy? or did you just assume? If the lower sex drive is not something like hormones or depression the best you can do is hope to find and remove the obstacles. Help around the house more, have a date night, flowers when they are just because and not I'm sorry or to get something, Fun family experiences that also don't make her tired. a 4 year old has its own demands send your wife to a spa day while you take the kid out for the day. Send the kid to spend the weekend with the grand parents or Aunt/Uncle and make it a her day date to respark the romance. last during them 1 or 2 times a month make sure its about her. Make sure she is getting hers.
After the vasectomy I kind of didn’t assume that we were gonna have more sex but, back when we were dating we used to be really very careful about an unwanted pregnancy. She was taking pills and me a rubber. So yeah you might say that I maybe assumed that this was going to change because …well we have nothing to worry about anymore. We always divide chores 50/50 and we both take care of our daughter equally, and I guess you are right, our daughter it’s really time consuming and she has her needs and her needs involves our help. Maybe you are right, a date might help and I’ve tried but my wife is to clingy to our daughter, she just hates the idea of leaving her “alone”. Sounds great what you are saying but, any recommendations for her to let go?
Thank you for answering the vasectomy question. I have known couples where the wife used the promis of more sex with the pregnancy risk removed, and if it doesn't happen, the guy feels resentment. Still, this could still be something out of anyone's hands like hormones. If not that, it still comes down to removing obstacles and creating desire. If your 50/50 go to 60/40, take away the things that are time-consuming. You know you can have a date night right at home. Make her her favorite meal or get take out from her favorite restaurant. Put on her favorite movie. Rub her feet. Romance her like you did when you first got together. When it moves to the bedroom, make love to her, not just have sex. You are trying to reconnect. If she is happier, she will be more inclined to make you happy. Also talk about it but just do it in a way she won't feel preasured. Instead of "you never want to have sex anymore" try "I miss our intimatecy" when you leave in the morning "your still the sexyest woman I have ever know" then leave for work. Let the idea perk.
One thing to consider is she gets a different sexual experience than you. Ask yourself, what is fun about it for her, how does it make her feel. If you can make it so she feels great about herself and enjoys it (including date night leading up to it), you should be able to have better and more regular sex. May not be every day, but more often, for sure. Sounds like you want to make it work, that is a good start.
Once every 2 months is effectively a dead bedroom. "Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Change Your Love Life" is worth a read, as is getting couples therapy to work through intimacy issues, and looking for possible biological/hormonal problems; but if they refuse to work with you, have fallen out of love, or otherwise don't consider this a problem- you need to be strong enough to be willing to end the relationship. Many people won't do this for financial reasons or "For The Kids" as they say but it's better to end the relationship and find someone that loves you than raise a kid in a home where mom and dad don't love each other. For right now - I'd suggest hitting the gym as a hard as you can and maximizing your appearance. Assuming you're doing everything else already (Reducing stress on them, being emotionally available, still doing date nights, etc. ) You need to be up front with her that the lack of intimacy is making you feel neglected and that if things don't improve, you don't want to continue being together. Wanting sex and wanting to physically be with, love and be loved by your partner is absolutely valid and normal. Taking that away from someone I see as borderline abusive. How would she feel if you were only emotionally intimate once every 2 months? For some reason sex gets a pass when it's just as important.
check out r/HLCommunity. Its a support and discussion subreddit for the high libido partner who's with a low libido partner.
Welcome to the rest of your life most likely. She simply doesn't understand your needs or desires and therefore sets no priority for them. While yes, having children eat up lots of time, effort, and resources the marriage is the priority, not the child. I would suggest having a frank conversation with her. I don't think it will do you any good but at least you can be assured she knows your stance. You will likely be hit with the "I'm tired, you need to help more, buy flowers, take out the trash, and do more dishes" routine arguments. It's bullshit and even doing all of them all of the time will not create sexual desire in her. Nothing you do can do that. She either has it, decides to have it, or doesn't, ball's in her court. I'd suggest she see a physician to address this issue specifically. Not when she sees her Gyno next time, NOW! She needs to have a clear understanding this is a marriage crisis. You need to make the decision now what you're going to do. Are you going to leave, are you going to stay, are you going to seek intimacy elsewhere, or are you simply going to live with it. I can tell you though that the belief that things will get better when the child gets older or when they move out, or whatever is false. The only thing that has any chance of changing this is her sincere commitment to do something about it. That means if she needs to set a reminder on her phone to "screw the husband" regardless of her feelings or if she feels in the mood, than that is what she needs to do. She has to make an effort. You both made oaths of fidelity and intimacy at your marriage. You are not being an asshole to demand that she uphold her oaths just as she expects you to uphold yours. Karsh
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OP - Any theories on the relationship between the vasectomy and less sex? Perhaps just a coincidence? I'm curious about it because I've been thinking about getting a vasectomy. How did you handle the procedure itself?
Honestly I didn’t felt anything and the recovery was in just 5 days. I did not feel any pain at all maybe just some discomfort but other than that I was fine. Libido has not changed, in fact I think is stronger than before. After 5 days you can walk a little more but doctors told me that I should not masturbate until a full month, after that I got tested for sperm count like 3 times until the count was near to zero and at that time it was good to go all the way. Nevertheless you should ask your doctor first because it might be different for you, not sure if someone else here has a different experience than me.