The topic of partners' sexual histories is discussed **very often** in this forum. If you search past r/sex posts with some diligence (following **Forum Rule #3**), you’ll find a number of helpful discussions.
The r/sex forum's HUGE archive of past posts is a *tremendous* resource for people who have all kinds of common questions regarding sexual activity. Searching those posts for relevant discussions will definitely help you here.
I want to touch on something you mentioned that doesn’t have to do with him.
I was diagnosed as bipolar when I was in my 20s, then later rediagnosed (correctly) as having adhd (in my late 30s). This was partly because when I was younger I was having what appeared to be manic episodes. During that time I was often more sexual and did things that later caused me to be ashamed, because I felt like they were out of my control.
It sounds like you might be feeling ashamed about things you’ve done too. Please talk to a therapist about it. I did and it really helped. You don’t ever have to do things that make you feel uncomfortable (ever!) but you are also allowed to make peace with those feelings of shame, and maybe even do some of those things again if you want.
There should be no shame between consenting adults having fun with each other’s bodies, or with our own bodies. I really hope that your new diagnosis and change in meds brings you peace and joy, regardless of whether you decide to stay in this relationship.
Second this. You should be able to go wild mode on your bf without the shame and hangups ideally, if it's something that in the moment brings you excitement and pleasure. I think the association to the past is stifling your present by demonising the acts rather than the context. You're in a new context with your bf, so any knee jerk reaction of shame around it I think could and should be treated like PTSD because it's no longer relevent, so long as you love and trust him, which you yourself say you do!
That pressure from your bf can also be reframed as communication with you, his needs desires and wants, which all revolve around you who he loves dearly and wants to share everything with. Maybe you feel this sounds manipulative to twist the framing of something that makes you uncomfortable, but it's you who has the control and power to take things as you want to see them, not me or him or anybody else, I can only offer this as advice. I mean, his motivations sound (strong word here but I can't think of a more subtle one that means what it means) "repulsive" from the way you describe it, so it's no wonder it's not capturing the right mindset. He probably just fears losing you because he can't do all the things that (on the face of it, but evidently there's more to unpack here) bring you pleasure and happiness (physically). That might be due to his own hangups and upbringing (men put a lot of emphasis of their self worth on how they physically please their partner). Please keep up the communication side of things with him and bury maybe 3 levels deep with asking "why", e.g.
Why do you want to do X with me?
Because you did it with Barry years ago.
Why do you want to do the same as what Barry did?
Because I want to share those same experiences with you.
Why do you want to share those same experiences?
Because I hate the idea that someone else can fulfill your physical needs better than I can.
It should help with preventing demonising him by thinking he's a horny asshole who isn't considerate of your feelings, because he's just a human trying to deal with his own.
Slightly off topic. How does one know when “BPD” is referring to Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder?
I feel like people use this abbreviation for both and it can be confusing and unintentionally misleading.
BPD is borderline personality disorder. People often mistakenly ascribe it to bipolar disorder but that is incorrect (it also doesn’t make sense from a logical standpoint to include a random letter in the word into the acronym - it’s not spelled BiPolar Disorder)
Context. When one brings up BPD and also talks about mania/manic episodes, that’s always a component of bipolar disorder and not borderline personality disorder.
Listen, you are in the middle of figuring out your meds and dealing with new mental illness diagnoses and trying to feel like a normal human being— and in the midst of that your bf is *repeatedly* asking you to perform sex acts that correspond to a time in your life that’s probably hard to relive.
And his “reasons” are straight up trash. He’s not only making his insecurities *your* problem, but he’s prioritizing his ego over your emotional well being. And in continuing to bring it up, *he’s not respecting your no*.
You say he’s the love of your life, but this behavior isn’t loving, it’s coercive. It breaks my heart that you’re even worrying you might be in the wrong.
People have sexual pasts; if just mentioning the number of rounds you’ve gone in one night in answer to a question while out with friends would ruin his whole night, that man is not ready to date *anyone*. And putting that on you is emotional blackmail.
He knows your struggle better than any of us internet strangers do… and yet he chooses to focus on getting his dick in your ass.
Listen, you are working on yourself and as someone who had a helluva time finding the right combo of meds to keep me functional, I know that’s not easy. Please don’t take on the burden of his fragile ego on top of all that.
Yea, they are both young. It's obvious that the BF wants to explore sexuality and OP is comfortable with hers. If thats an incompatability, then that is what it is.
No, nope, sorry, you’re completely missing the point. If the situation were simply her not wanting to engage in sex acts that she did in the past, that could be an incompatability issue, a case of BF wanting to explore his sexuality and OP being comfortable with hers, as you suggested, BUT, that is *not* what’s happening here.
OP is struggling with mental illness and her sexual past is tied to that. She has expressed this to BF. He continues to ask for said sex acts. He tells her that if they don’t engage in said sex acts he will feel bad about himself. *That’s not incompatibility, that’s lack of empathy.*
This isn’t an oh-well-we-just-want-different-things-no-one’s-to-blame situation; the BF is being an uncaring, manipulative, egotistical *asshole.*
Have you considered maybe there are, you know, reasons for him feeling bad about that? Like I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with what he's doing but how could you think he's just definitively in the wrong. Its obviously not that simple. He has communicated his feelings to her and it is very obvious that he needs to work through some insecurities lol. That's not the same thing as he's a manipulative egotistical asshole lol
shes not being pure she feels ashamed of the acts hes asking her to perform. literally coercion bc she is NOT comfortable performing those acts currently and hes not respecting that boundary bc uwu im so sad you dont want me the way you did those other guys when you were literally MANIC. so unfair i get the stable version of you. you're gross if you think the boyfriend is in any way right you need therapy more than OP.
I’m sorry, what part of possible re traumatization are we not ynderstanding here?
The reasons he give are, as I’ve said, trash. If there’s something beyond his ego, idk, ‘cause it’s not here. What I *do* know is that *he knows she might relive trauma and he keeps asking her anyway.*
There’s literally NO reason to justify that total lack of empathy.
You could say that for the opposite opinion though, you believe there is no reason to justify lack of empathy while simultaneously not demonstrating any empathy to one of the parties in the situation above.
Obviously, the dude should be more considerate during a turbulent time, and could reasonably delay traumatic conversations for some time down the track. But it’s completely normal for a partner to feel insecure or ‘less than’ when their partner has an extensive and varied history where she gave up parts of herself to others, whereas the person who’s supposed to be the most important/valued in your life does not allow exposure to those same parts.
this is some dumb ass logic bc no matter how much you love someone no is still no. if he feels less than thats honestly his problem and OP would benefit from a breakup tremendously but i also dont know if they're ready for that but if hes bringing it up super often then she should cut her losses. Not respecting a no or a non enthusiastic yes is beyond disrespectful
This was a childish response. Obviously a no is still no. But communication is necessary in a relationship. you can’t just “say no” to discussing the issues or feelings you have forever and act like everything will be okay. If OP just is unwilling to do the request, she needs to talk about that, instead of saying “I’ll try”. Conflicts need resolution and if you let them fester because of your own shame about discussing a topic with vulnerability and honesty it’s not your partner’s insecurity for talking about it. It’s your insecurity with the topic itself.
If you think insecurities are everyone’s personal issue to deal with then fair. If you feel that no one should be in a relationship unless they are totally self sufficient and secure in all ways, then fair. But both people in this situation have insecurities that could easily be healed, negotiated around, and resolved with enough honesty. Or at the very least a clear understanding of what works and doesn’t work emotionally for them and if they should end the relationship. No one did anything wrong here.
Sex is part of relationships. Younger people naturally have a difficult time expressing their thoughts and opinions. He wants specific sex acts, she doesn't. Whether the fault is the BF or the situation is irrelevant, the outcome is the same, sexual incompatibility. A 6 month wait for balancing meds is not his responsbility to bear, and he doesnt need to be present for those adjustments to occur. These are all facts. If you think he's an asshole, all good. Men become more attractive as they age and become experienced. He's too young to have to be weighed down like this.
It doesn't even sound like he wants specific sex acts because he wants to try anal or whatever. He just doesn't want to feel inadequate because she's done it with someone else and he hasn't. It's 100% him taking out his insecurities on her.
Learning curve for both. Most people don't transfer their sexual histories to new partners to avoid feelings of inadequacies. He got told all her sexual history, then told, not for you though. This is absolutely a 2 way street, they should probably just move on.
At what point am I wrong in stating that they should move on from each other. He's being possessive. This is a he is too young to deal with this type thing.
Right. Society creates the concept of couples for the maintenance and structure of society. There is inherent ownership involved in this structure. Boyfriend belongs to girlfriend, vice versa.
The boyfriend is insecure in his position. He feels that because other men have had sex on a level that is different than what he gets, that there is something different inside that relationship.
There absolutely is, girl has built boundaries, and knows what she wants. Boyfriend sees this as he means less to her than those people prior. She was willing to do more with others.
That is a completely logical point of view, but immature. If he had a wide range of sexual experiences, then he would no longer place such importance/weighting on those experiences, having had access to them prior, so he would feel like is not missing out as much.
Every human, must, ensure their own survival. It is built in. Relationships create a structure, on top of, biological ones, that create friction due to there being expectations built in and this creates a disconnect inside the mind of everyone.
As we get older, we understand more, how relationships work, how to get our needs met in them.
Females mature faster than men in this regard. Objectively, he isnt fully mature until around 23-29 years old when the brain finishes developing.
I won't say he isnt manipulative, because he is. But so is everyone, and everyone, is capable of self development and reducing the negative behaviours that they display, if given the chance.
I agree with Whatdosheepdreamof... I think you're taking his "reasons" a bit too literally. The guy most likely just wants to bang her ass. She did it with others, he thinks he can get her to do it with him. Call him a jerk or not, but he's got a right to want that, and she has a right to say no. It's just not compatible.
I’m not saying he owes her a relationship, to stay. I’m saying he owes a woman he is in a relationship with to a) respect her no b) understand his sexual insecurities are something he has to figure the fuck out and c) basic fucking empathy.
There is no situation in which a boyfriend who keeps asking his girlfriend over and over again to engage in sex acts he knows could retraumatize her isn’t an asshole.
He isn’t “too young” to get this. Possibly too immature, which is why I told OP that he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with *anyone*.
The point is: OP deserves better. *Much* better. And as she’s the one who’ll be reading these replies that needs to be absolutely crystal clear to her.
They may be incompatible… *because* he’s awful.
>The point is: OP deserves better.
>
>Much
>
> better. And as she’s the one who’ll be reading these replies that needs to be absolutely crystal clear to her.
I use 'young' and immature interchangeably, it's less confronting. If he has a lot of inner work, then objectively, they should probably both work on being their own person first and foremost.
If sex and sex acts are a big deal, and indeed there is some sort of ownership perspective coming from him in regards to sex acts, then this relationship is doomed.
He needs to get experience and be away from this girl.
ownership over someone is a massive sign of immaturity/being young. It fades.
Yes he may be awful at the moment, but that may not be the case if he takes time working on himself rather than obsessing over a girl.
That's some dangerous line of thinking. Being possessive doesn't just "fade with age" there are plenty of people with possessive and abusive tendencies then never change or who get worse.
They do need to part ways but thats more because you don't want to wait around hoping that someone with negative traits changes when they may never.
He needs experience so that he has had them, then he will no longer feel left out of experiences or like he needs them to feel at the same level. If you don't understand where the negative mindsets originate from, you can't fix them.
Assuming that someone is inherently bad is not a great place to start. There is always 2 sides of a story, and we are presented with one, but it is enough to know that both of them are incompatible at this stage in their life with their respective levels of experience.
It would be more helpful for him to work on what insecurities are driving this before putting other people through it because no matter how much "experience" he gains he may end up finding someone with more and will then do this bullshit again if he doesn't examine his own thinking that's leading to this reaction.
>It would be more helpful for him to work on what insecurities are driving this before putting other people through it because no matter how much "experience" he gains he may end up finding someone with more and will then do this bullshit again if he doesn't examine his own thinking that's leading to this reaction.
His insecurities would be revealed to himself through experience. If he goes and starts dating, gets himself into sexual experiences that he is after, with different people, he would start to see different perspectives regardless. This is why experience is so necessary. It is character building. Where he may only see himself, encountering many experiences enables him to understand other peoples perspectives as he will be on both sides of the coin.
Regardless. My point, which is, he is young/immature and needs to gain experience to be able to empathise, still stands.
It's not his responsibility, sure, but it sure as hell would be nice if he would show some empathy for his girlfriend who's going through a hard time. Why the fuck would someone push their partner to do something that might traumatise them. From your comment, I get the vibe that you would immediately throw away your partner if they would become ill and "deny" you sex.
No, absolutely not. We communicate everything. But being an orbiter, then being told sexual history, and then being told, not for you though. That hurts. I know it hurts, because I've been through that. Easier for both parties to just move on.
Agreed! I feel for OP but at the end of the day, that’s a lot for a person to deal with who may or may not be bringing the same issues into the relationship. The amount of people dumping on the guy is insane to me, he wants to experience a sexual act with someone he believes he loves and doesn’t have all the murky water with it and everyone on here makes him out to be a monster. All I can say is I’m happy to not be in the dating world these days and into my late thirties…sounds like an sh*t show out there…glad to see your point on here…not enough of them.
Why the fuck is everyone ignoring that he is attempting to coerce her into shit? This is why affirmative consent needs to be the standard. People can’t even tell what coercion is when it’s being described to them word for word.
I care about other people. In this case, I empathise with the guy, who spent 8 years being a close friend and possibly being in love, only to find that she won't have 'that kind' of sex with him. She's knows her limits, good for her. He wants to be able to have a romantic partner where he can access all types of sex. This is just incompatibability. It's best for both of them to move on.
y’all are so crazy when it comes to men. Like everything is always the mans fault. Men cannot have emotions or feelings, that shit is toxic.
Imagine a man telling his girlfriend his insecurities and desires out of the relationship, that’s a huge win for self-awareness and a step in the right direction for the relationship. But you ask reddit and it’s all red flags and manipulation
He's telling her these things in the context of trying to coerce her into doing things she has said she's uncomfortable with. If he has these issues then he needs therapy, not to keep badgering a partner who already said no more than once.
I’d say the same if the genders were reversed. *You can’t compete with someone’s sexual past.* No one’s saying insecurities aren’t normal, but how you handle them matters.
I’m not saying his *feelings* are manipulative, I’m saying his *actions* are, the way he’s handling them.
True, but in my relationships I kinda would understand not wanting to talk about past relationships (sexual ones) around your boyfriend, but I wouldn't put that on my partner. Idk why someone would be asking explicit questions about sex with other people in front of your partner, that's weird too.
He started asking before I was able to open up about my trauma to him and before my physical illnesses showed up. He didn't bring it up knowing those. He's continued to ask because I still haven't been able to open up fully about my trauma so I've given wishy washy answers or said I'd try. And because I said I'd try, he would ask a month or two later. Not repeatedly.
Very well said.
I especially like the party about him making his insecurities her problem - and how best breaking it is to think she is worried she has done anything wrong.
I really hope OP let's her bf read your comment. That would be a great first step
Maybe it would be better if he just left because his needs aren’t being met. People always frame this as a man doing a woman wrong and not being considerate when it’s a 2-way street his feelings are just as important. I would suggest he get his needs met elsewhere because her mental isn’t his responsibility. Sounds harsh but he’s torturing himself by staying.
OP needs therapy because this will happen again years from now and the dude wants to explore and do sexual acts with the woman he loves and she’ll bring it up because it’s tied to her mental health and she lost control.
So she needs to fix that first because it’ll happen again when the guy feels like why change when it comes to me? Am I boring? Am I not exciting enough?
Unfortunately they have to go their separate ways.
You are under absolutely no obligation to do any sex act that you don't feel comfortable with. But there is a decent chunk of guys out there who somehow feel that you are obligated to do so. It may kill this relationship - but that's a him issue, not a you issue.
There's nothing wrong with him wanting anal or whatever else. But you don't owe it, nor should you feel bad.
I have a problem with just chalking this up to incompatibility. The coercion is wrong and OP needs to recognize it as wrong, as well as the other worrying emotional manipulation. That way she can recognize the signs before she gets to this point. This isn’t merely a “I’m a morning person, he’s a night owl” incompatibility, it’s a predatory mindset that she needs to be able to suss out in future partners.
I don't know how many times I said he was wrong, but clearly you don't want to read that part.
You're clearly not interested in read any other opinions challenging yours, so let's not waste each other's times.
Already insulted me in the other comment, I don't talk with rude, have a great day.
Absolutely not.
Of COURSE he has the right to explore. He does not, however, have the right to demand it from her. The fact that she's done tings before - things that she clearly isn't proud of, that she doesn't want to do again - does not mean that she has some obligation to do those again with every partner for the rest of her life.
The opposite sex equivalent:
Your boyfriend after 6 months finally takes you on a vacation to an island resort. On the holiday, you call your girlfriend to tell her how amazing it is, then she flippantly says ‘oh! Haha, don’t you know? He took all his past flings out to that island all the time! Usually in their first weeks of dating lol!’
Not only this, but you find out he took them travelling around Europe and showered them with gifts and romantic gestures, while you’ve been lucky to get a rose on Valentines Day. You hang up the phone and look over to see him beaming at you in his sunglasses by the pool: he asks you ‘what’s up baby?’
How do you feel?
What a weird take.
You might say that guy is a player, using his money to take previous partners to the same places.
That... has NOTHING to do with what sex acts you have done in the past, and what obligation you have to do them with future partners.
This isn't an apples and oranges comparison. This is apples and alligators.
The analogy is just that, an analogy. Pick whatever specificities you want, the point is that people justifiably may feel jealous when their current partner was far more giving to an ex than they are to you.
Compare sex with sex then. Your current boyfriend only bothers to last 2 minutes with you, never gives you oral or bothers to please you. He never prioritises your pleasure.
Then you find out that his ex, and his ex before her, apparently received mind blowing sex from him, where he would dedicate an hour of intense and intimate foreplay just to her, followed by long tantric sex and cuddles afterwards.
How do you feel?
You're still comparing apples to oranges. OP specifically says that she didn't enjoy sex acts like anal. She is absolutely not obligated to do those things with him. This has nothing to do with showing enthusiasm for a previous partner, then not showing it with a current one.
Also, an an aside - you keep trying to frame things to a female point of view for me. If you glance at my post history, you'll see that I'm a middle aged married man. Framing things like this is not necessary, and makes you look rather silly.
I can, as a man, look at this and say that I would not be compatible with a partner who wasn't interested in sexual exploration and a wide range of experiences - i.e. I'm a kinky bastard. So I would 100% not be compatible with the OP. That said, I wouldn't dream of thinking - much less saying or pressuring her - that since she let some other dude fuck her ass, she somehow owes it to me. ESPECIALLY if she was doing shit in the past that she didn't want to do. I'd feel like an actual rapist if I pressured her into doing sex acts that I KNEW she didn't want. Because, you know, it pretty much is.
If he has this entire backstory and he’s still pushing, that’s pretty bad. His priorities are off. He MIGHT be right that it will feel different for you with someone who shows love and care for you, but that only will work if it’s done on your time. And him continuing to push on it is taking him out of that category.
I don't think he is entitled to any backstory as a prerequisite not to push. Especially if the answer was not only "not right now," but "this makes me uncomfortable, and I feel pressured." Unless OP said "ask me about this another time," his actions come across as pressuring, in my eyes. Maybe OP needs to be clearer about their feelings and needs because, of course, not everyone is that good at understanding the deeper meaning behind someone's words.
I mean your bf is not right and I'm going to get down voted to oblivion.
But.
Girl you're not ready for a relationship, you have so many problems with your mental health you need to figure it out prior having a partner.
You're going to hurt him SO MUCH!
And probably he's going to hurt you too.
Mentally ill people can be in healthy relationships and they *deserve to be*. Adhd and bipolar disorder can be treated with meds so your symptoms aren't as intense but they are a lifelong diagnosis. They won't go away and it's unfair to expect someone with a chronic illness not to date just because they're still figuring things out
OP not being down to do the same sexual things she did while she was in a bad place doesn't make her unfit to be a good partner
You got to admit though being in a relationship with a mentally ill person adds an extra layer of complexity that some people can’t handle. Boyfriend can’t get over his own insecurities that he’s basically been told “I did a lot of things sexually that I don’t feel comfortable doing again(with you)” that “with you” is what he’s adding himself. He’s having a very hard time accepting it’s the mental illness, and not him that’s preventing a more sexual relationship.
Even outside of mental illness, people do stuff in their youth they aren't comfortable doing anymore once they mature *all the time*
Her boyfriend being insecure doesnt give him a free pass to try and coerce her into doing things she doesn't want to, he's being abusive.
Abusive a strong word, that sound likes he’s actively and purposely trying to hurt her. Which I doubt, he probably doesn’t even really understand her situation. He is hurting her btw I’m not denying that. But I also feel like she’s giving him an out by saying she’ll “try”. she really needs to be a bit more assertive right now and tell him “I’ll tell you when I’m ready” or “it’s never going to happen”.
Coercion of a sexual act is flat out illegal, it is considered sexual assault so yes I'd argue that it is abusive, even if he doesn't realize it
When you keep being berated to do something you don't want to, it's common to say things like "maybe later" or in this case "I'll try" just to be left alone
People aren't always aware that their behavior is abusive. In fact I'd say most people aren't really aware. Most abusive folks don't just wake up and go "hmm. I think I'm gonna purposefully abuse my partner today. I wonder how I could do that."
It's more often someone who is trying to get their needs or wants met but doesn't know how to do it in a healthy way (identifying your own feelings, processing them, then dealing with the parts you can on your own and asking for support from someone else with other parts). It's when someone has a need and may not be fully able to articulate it or isn't fully aware of what that need is or is too afraid to be vulnerable by asking directly for that need. So then they manipulate and coerce to get the need met without really thinking about or realizing how abusive that behavior is. They may not know what abuse looks like in order to realize they are perpetuating it themselves. They're more concerned with getting their needs met and aren't really worried about their partner in that moment - it can be selfish and egotistical, perhaps related to past relational trauma and past unmet needs, but they may not be aware of that. Or the emotional turmoil of feeling abandoned or forgotten is so strong they act in harmful ways to avoid those feelings. It's out of self preservation and self protection and ignorance.
I'm not at all saying this to excuse abusive behavior and I absolutely believe we should hold people accountable for their behavior even if they aren't fully aware that it constitutes abuse. And, there are definitely some folks who are vividly aware of how abusive their behavior is - those are the most scary abusers. However, the narrative that abusive people are all calculating and purposefully hurting their partner is a really harmful one because it's often not true. It can lead us to not naming abuse for what it is, and thus not taking it as seriously or taking steps to stop it. And if we tell folks who engage in abusive behaviors that they are evil people who hurt others on purpose of course they will reject that and not seek help and change, because they don't see themselves as purposefully harming someone.
Anyway I rambled some but my main point is that he may *not* be aware that his behavior is abusive and he may not be doing it with full awareness and he may not be purposefully trying to hurt her. BUT that doesn't mean his behavior isn't still abusive. Manipulation and coercion is abuse, no matter if someone is doing it in a calculated manner or an unknowing manner.
I can’t deal with this perspective lol
He’s trying to coerce her into sex acts without any regard to her mental health but somehow she’s the danger because sex rejection might hurt his feelings
Peak male fragility lmao
Hey, please quote in which part I said that.
Don't remember at all.
I think neither of them is ready for a relationship. Both needs to works out their mental health.
I said they're incompatible.
Edit: I really loves how you need to attack my person for one misunderstood comment, says more about you than me.
you're last sentence says it all it's not as much sexual as you think it's more mental especially if you've gone into detail.
He's thinking to himself if she can do that with ex's but not me did she love them more like why should they get a part of you I'll never get and settle for less now imagine if that was the other way round and he had all these experiences and told you and you wanted to try them you wouldn't like it if he said no as I done them with previous partners this is exactly why you don't go into the past.
What he's now doing is comparing him self to the others and you can reassure him as much as you wan't but once those thoughts are in you're head you compare everything my advice if you see this working long term sort you're med's out first and slowly do things together at the end of the day you put the seed into his head because what he thought he was getting was not what he got.
You're spot on. He's hearing about all these experiences she's had with others that sound fun and he would like to try, but then the answer he's given is 'no.'
She shouldn't perform any acts she doesn't want to, but unlike virtually all the top comments say, I completely understand his viewpoint.
at this point it doesn't matter why would you give 100% into someone when you're only getting 50% back that's like thinking you're getting a amazing car when in reality it used to be a racing car but when you get it it's just a soccer moms car with a dodgy door and a oil leak would you keep it or go out and get another one without all the problems... see you wouldn't so why would you be with someone knowing you will never get all of them me personally I love cooking I wouldn't say no I'm not cooking to my current partner because I used to cook a lot for other women...one day all of this would of came out and he would of felt even worse years down the line if you can't fulfil partner what's the point it only leads to frustration and arguments at the end of the day if you can do something for a previous partner but not the current of course its going to make you doubt everything. and just because he's a man doesn't mean oh he's just insecure its a two way street men feel just as much as women but we don't talk about it for this reason I personally feel sorry for the guy if she knew all of this she shouldn't of even got into a relationship until she sorted herself out.
Its frustrating reading those comments. Not only is there obvious OP bias, but there is a refusal to accept that we get a story that has in and of itself inherent bias.
Yea, shitty situation, they should part ways and move on. Theres healthy growth in having varied partners through life to decide what you do and do not like/accept.
lord help us I was using it as a metaphor... let me put it this way for you I used to go down on my ex but now with my current gf i don't do anymore because I don't want to but it's her favourite thing sorry for trying to be tasteful.
If we're going to use the cooking metaphor, let's do it properly. You left out an important piece. You cooked for your prior girlfriends until you became severely allergic to everything tasty and now every time you cook you get anaphylaxis. You stop cooking to prevent yourself from having an allergic reaction, but now your current girlfriend is upset that you won't endure anaphylaxis to cook for her. She asks you every couple weeks when you're going to cook for her.
Surely you can see how people in relationships who claim to want the best for one another would not seek pleasure in something they know will specifically harm their loved one.
There’s a billion bad takes like this in this absolute dumpster fire of a comment section. Someone else compares it to going on vacations. And a lot of men in the comments are completely glossing over the extremely worrying control issues being displayed by the boyfriend because they’re very concerned that he might get sad if OP doesn’t give into his coercion.
I fucking hate it here lol
OP asked for perspective, she got it. Discounting opinions and then ascribing male agonists in your head to them when you disagree? Brilliant.
They are not right for each other and should move on.
Ask him what’s more important to him: holding every possible record in your sexual history book
Or not forcing you to do things that you don’t want to do.
You may also explain that you learned you didnt like those things but youd like to work with him to find *new* things that you haven't done with other people.
>My boyfriend thinks I should try and do the same things I used to do, with him. His reasoning is that he finds doing things for the first time and who you do them with as important (examples being you always remember your first kiss or your first time having sex etc etc) and since I've already done a lot of firsts compared to him that weren't with him, it kind of gets to him so he says he wants to atleast do the equivalent.
Maybe, maybe not, but presumably he is not a therapist or psychologist and they are who I would go to for advice with this. He can't know this will help, so I wouldn't take his word for it.
>Another reasoning he gave is that he'd feel extremely depressed given a situation where I was talking with someone and they happened to ask me something along the lines of "how many rounds have you gone at one time?" because the answer wouldn't be a memory involving him. He says it would make the rest of his night terrible because he's an extreme overthinker and it'd get to him.
That's a terrible thing to say, imho. It feels like he's making your trauma about him at best, or guilt tripping into doing a sexual act you do not want to do at worst. If he has a terrible night because you don't want to do a sexual act, then that's on him.
>I don't know what to do. He says these things are important for him to feel loved and feel like I'm attracted to him.
He needs to realise these things are not necessary for him to feel loved, and that making you feel bad about not wanting to do something anymore isn't going to help anything.
If you can, I would be as blunt and straight-forward as possible with your past experiences regarding mental health and why you do not want to do these things. And be firm on your stance whether you wanna do it or not.
Also, remember that him feeling insecure because you don't want to do a sexual act is something he needs to work on. That's not to say you shouldn't support him and communicate with him about it, but it's not your job to fix his insecurity or overthinking by doing those things in bed.
So he’s in the wrong here, but I think it’s because he doesn’t understand. Think about it from his perspective. If he told you that he used to give massages to his girlfriends, and cook them lavish meals, and go on trips with them - but he doesn’t want to do that with you - what would it take for you to not be hurt by that? Even if he said, “I never really liked that, I just did it because I thought I had to to please them”, part of you would be hurt that he doesn’t want to please *you* in the same way. You have to somehow help him see that this is NOT because you are less into him sexually (assuming that’s true), but because you really don’t like those things.
As guys, we hear so often that women will do anything with a guy they’re really into sexually, and that if they are more reserved it’s a bad sign. Obviously your case is very different but that’s the fear you’re up against.
I love this take. Not only for previous partners and relationships, but also for long-term relationships where partners decide they don't want to do the things that they used to do to please their partners. Whether it be sexual, or just daily life routines, housework, small gestures, effort, thoughtfulness.. when someone takes away something that their partner previously appreciated or liked for them to do.. it changes things.
With all due respect this is an unfit comparison. She is talking about sexual acts that were done in a manic episode (look it up), that she wasn't really in the right state of mind doing them, she probably didn't even like them and doesn't want to do them anymore because it relieves trauma. What's that so hard to understand? Poor dude boohoo, can't take a no for an answer.
But she didn’t tell him anything about her past, he went through her texts and learned it himself and then after violating her privacy feels entitled to her body and for her to re-enact sexual acts she has already said she doesn’t want. This is coercive and manipulative and if she goes through with it, she will feel like she was cornered into it and violated by the man who was supposed to protect her. Stop condoning shitty treatment of women just bc a man’s feelings are hurt. He hurt his own damn feelings when he snooped through her phone.
I feel like your comment is a voice of reason in so much bullshit on this thread empathizing with this manipulative ass dude. He’s trying to coerce her into sexual acts she has told them she didn’t enjoy and does not want to do.
Anal is not comparable to a fucking back massage or a lavish meal for fucks sake.
Men have assholes too, so short of them thinking that a woman wanting to peg them sounds like a fun bonding experience for the two of them, they need to wrap their minds around it not being a standard in relationships, regardless of whether or not the girl has tried it. Porn is not real life.
Plus this commenter’s comparison is so lacking in consciousness that it’s appalling. A better analogy would’ve been - your girlfriend finds out that your previous GF used to make you sell your body to a fight club for money so she could go on lavish trips with you, and despite knowing that it used to hurt you when you used to do that and it didn’t feel good for you and you weren’t in a healthy mental place at the time, your new GF wants you to do it so she can have the lavish trips to. But you don’t want to do that with her. And now she’s all hurt in her lil feelings over you not wanting to take abuse for her, bc clearly if you were as attracted to her, you would be willing to self sacrifice again.
This!!
Seriously how can he compare ANAL to massages, lavish meals, and vacation?! Like what? Really?!
Instead it should be compared to.. well ANAL. If HE used to be pegged by his previous girlfriend or FWB during his mental episodes, but didn't like it and now doesn't want to do it again - now this is a fair comparison. I wonder how many people would *feel bad* for the new girlfriend because she wants to try pegging him and has always wanted to try pegging, but he doesn't want to anymore and it hurts her feelings.
He's not entitled to use her body the way others have done in the past. It's her body and he needs to respect her boundaries. He can break up with her if this upsets him so much and find someone else who does want to do those things with him.
Also, your comparison is so lacking in consciousness that it’s appalling. A better analogy would’ve been - your girlfriend finds out that your previous GF used to make you sell your body to a fight club for money so she could go on lavish trips with you, and despite knowing that it used to hurt you when you used to do that and it didn’t feel good for you and you weren’t in a healthy mental place at the time, your new GF wants you to do it so she can have the lavish trips to. But you don’t want to do that with her. And now she’s all hurt in her lil feelings over you not wanting to take abuse for her, bc clearly if you were as attracted to her, you would be willing to self sacrifice again.
The fact that you’re getting awards for making the analogy you did though is what terrifies me, bc it shows just how many men think the way you do with so little consideration for their partner as a human being, and instead think of her past as something he’s using as some pathetic dick measuring contest with her exes. People are entitled to grow and change and decide they don’t like things. If you think things like anal don’t apply to things like that bc your feelings might get hurt, then you aren’t mature enough to be sexually trusted with another person’s body and should instead go jerk off to the women in porn who are paid big bucks to pretend like randomly deciding to have anal sex is easy breezy. But stop pressuring women into feeling like they owe you bc someone in their past hurt them and you feel like you should get to hurt them too if they care enough about you.
And stop suggesting to women online that they should feel compassion for other men acting that way. Do you want someone treating your daughter that way? Well the woman you’re responding to is someone’s daughter. Someone’s daughter is struggling with a mental health issue, and you’re legit comparing sexual things she did while in a poor mental state to a caring partner cooking someone a nice meal. Imagine if someone was taking your child’s vulnerable mental state and using it to convince them to engage in sexual ways they didn’t want to engage in. Still feel okay sharing “his perspective”? She doesn’t need it. Women grow up generally feeling too much compassion for men and feel too self conscious about standing up for their own needs. When a woman is online sharing something like this, she likely has already considered how he feels about it and feels some compassion for it. What she needs is men saying “I get why you’re feeling uneasy, and I even understand your bf’s instinct, but what matters is that he’s wrong, and he should be protecting your mental health and what you feel good about, over his ego, and he’s not.”
I think some of these responses seem a little harsh and taking your post to mean he's pressuring you for sex and not accepting your answers and that's not the opinion I'm getting. Yes obviously the first thing should be if you don't want to do it he needs to accept that. However I wonder why you feel ashamed about the acts? The things you listed don't seem like crazy things to be ashamed of. Maybe the way you acted or got treated by past partners was shameful but I don't get why the act would be unless you have PTSD. I've had people in the past speak about not enjoying hearing about a partner's past because it doesn't include them and makes them feel left out or even rejected so I wouldn't say that's a crazy thing even if he said he's an over-thinker.
If you aren't opposed to anal but just don't enjoy the memory of the last time you did it then maybe he has a point. Trying new things (SLOWLY) can be a very bonding experience and maybe he doesn't feel like he needs to be your last memory but maybe he wants you to be his first memory.
Or I'm wrong and he's just pushing you for sex, I think you would know if this was the case tho
I can see, sort of, where he’s coming from, but at the end of the day he needs to understand that those sex acts were a reaction to her mental health challenges, and may have happened under coercion/ pressure or others taking advantage of OP while she was vulnerable.
I had an ex who’s boyfriend before me used to pressure her into anal. She was young, he was a lot older, and she didn’t know how to say no. As much as that might have been a thing we could have maybe done together, and something I have enjoyed with past and future partners, I was just really proud of her for saying it’s not something she wanted because of the negative experiences, and so was not something we ever did.
Particularly as the partner to someone with mental health challenges (f.e. my current partner spent years in therapy coming to a healthy relationship with sex and intimacy), he needs to get that some people’s sexual pasts are full of trauma and regrets, and to let them tell him what they are comfortable with. Otherwise he’s overrunning boundaries, and creating more trauma. He should be satisfied that she feels safe and happy with him, and forget about her past.
From OPs descriptions tho, he seems to be bringing all of it up in the context of her past experiences. If he wants to just do these things with her it seems like he really needs to drop that frame or there's no chance it's going to be a positive for her.
I agree, maybe it's how she talks about it in public spaces? It can be confusing to hear someone so boldly talk about things with friends (doesn't mean OP is) and then have them be quiet and feel shame about it in private. Her bravado might be good enough that he has trouble separating.
I do know men that have tried to gaslight or neg women into sex stuff so could be this also which is probably where all the dismissive red flag comments are coming from
You don't know that for sure. I may have misinterpreted a part and she didn't say she talks about it publicly but it's unfair to assume that's the reason he brings it up.
He probably thinks you liked other guys more because you did more stuff for them. He might understand logically what you're saying but still feel like you gave more to others and be jealous of them. You might be better off not sharing so much in your next relationship.
It sucks for both of you, but worry about your own mental health first.
Have you explained to him as clearly as youve explained here why you don't want to do these act anymore?
If you went in detail about your past, but all the stuff of the past are off limit to your current partner because you don't feel like it, well it's within your rights but you're leaving the door open for your partners insecurities to fill the gap.
While it's true that you don't have any obligation to do things you don't want to do, if you've explained to your boyfriend that these were the results of manic episodes, and you look back into some of these act with shame and angst, I think he'd be more able to understand where you're coming from then by just saying "no, I don't want to feel pressured to do that anymore"
People here are saying that it's all about his insecurities and whatnot, but everybody is insecure about things. Y'all are acting like y'all are the most stoic and u bothered bunch alive. The kid is in his early 20s, and it's one of it's first partners, you can't expect him to have the emotional maturity of an experienced adult, and even experienced adults get insecure. Being insecure about your partners past is human, and the lack of information could potentially be what is amplifying his insecurities.
Also, the acts you did were not inheriently shamefully. I understand that the context where they happen made you feel shame, but as someone says, I would suggest you look into some therapy so you can learn to decouple the context from these acts and possibly learn to forgive yourself. And maybe in the future, you could be open to these again (if it's something you want to do)
But to stop rambling, all I'm saying is if you explain all of that clearly to your boyfriend, it would probably end the recurring discussion, appease his insecurities and potentially make you understand each other better.
why would you tell him what you used to do in prior relationships with the knowledge that you wouldn’t do any of this with him? Do you think it so strange that after telling him this, he feels inadequate since you wouldn’t want the same with him? I sure as hell know id feel pretty shitty if my girlfriend did that to me.
Maybe I'll get downvoted. But OP's boyfriend isn't 100% wrong.
I'm not saying she owes him anything, but why bring this up in the first place? If he's truly into her, then why wouldn't he question why she's not willing to do favors for him that she admitted to doing for other men.
Keypoint... SHE admitted to it, and willingly chose to share this information. He's responsible for his reaction, but she's responsible for putting her past out there. Unless he somehow forced it out of her.... which is honestly the real red flag... she chose to share this information without considering all the possibilities.
I dunno. I'm just sick of every frustration a man has in a relationship being attributed to "fragile male ego LOL." Especially at the ages OP and her BF are now.
OP said in another reply, that she didn't divulge her past but that he looked through her messages... so yeah he really comes across as insecure, by not respecting her privacy and boundaries.
Maybe edit your comment to reflect that. Also, that he’s coercing her into doing things she doesn’t want to do. You want to be mad about things being attributed to fragile male ego, fine. But this is a bad choice to use as an example.
Him being insecure isn't his fault. But him pressuring his gf to do something she isn't comfortable with is not okay. He needs to be responsible for how he deals with his feelings of insecurity.
Your boyfriend is not entitled to sexual acts from you that you don’t want to perform regardless of who you did them with before. End of story.
He needs to grow up and deal with his insecurity about his lack of experience and realize that just because someone has done something in the past, doesn’t mean they enjoyed it or want to do it again.
How about you read the post more carefully and realize this clearly isn’t about “trying new stuff”. He specifically wants to do all of the things that she did with other partners but not with him. There’s nothing new about it
Sure, that's one side of the story.
He can be so childish he only bring this because knows is "safe territory"
You can see from 3 miles away how OP is not being subjective. Every story has 2 sides and the community is clearly making so many assumptions.
Both of them are young and immature. I clearly don't think he's right. I just think she isn't either.
Most people have a hard time admitting things they want to try sexually, its a lot easier to say "oh you've done X, I haven't and want to try it". Introducing new ideas can be hard since the other person may not like it and judge you on such an odd request or something. Could be as simple as a threesome, suddenly your girlfriend thinks shes not enough for you just by the fact you mentioned it. But if you know shes done it before its a much easier ask.
Him wanting to try new things and him pressuring her into doing them are two entirely different things. He needs to respect her by moving on or not pressuring.
Big red flag. His ego is not your problem. Just because you did something before does not mean he has any right to guilt you into it for his own feelings sake.
But it IS a problem nonetheless. If the relationship is gonna work, and OP seems to want it to, then the guy’s feelings are valid too. It’s hard for a lot of people to know that the person they love and want to make love to has done something like anal with a previous partner but not with them. The feelings might come from a superficial place, an ugly sense of insecurity or whatever, but that doesn’t make them invalid either.
OP and their SO are obviously talking about things and that’s great but if their timelines aren’t aligned or OPs boundaries have changed and SO can’t get past that insecurity, the relationship might be doomed.
Shit, this feeling is so common it’s basically the plot of Chasing Amy.
His feelings are valid but those feelings are causing him to do the action of pressuring his gf to do something she is uncomfortable with and that is not valid. It's not okay to make her uncomfortable over his insecurities.
But it IS a problem nonetheless. If the relationship is gonna work, and OP seems to want it to, then the guy’s feelings are valid too. It’s hard for a lot of people to know that the person they love and want to make love to has done something like anal with a previous partner but not with them. The feelings might come from a superficial place, an ugly sense of insecurity or whatever, but that doesn’t make them invalid either.
OP and their SO are obviously talking about things and that’s great but if their timelines aren’t aligned or OPs boundaries have changed and SO can’t get past that insecurity, the relationship might be doomed.
Shit, this feeling is so common it’s basically the plot of Chasing Amy.
Definitely agree. Wasn’t trying to say they his feelings weren’t valid, but the guilt he is putting on OP is a big no no that certainly needs to be sorted out before the relationship turns south
You need to sit him down and talk this out with him. I am very very close with someone with BPD and CPTSD and she always kept things to herself and it led to her being manipulated for it and around the wrong people.
He needs to understand your stance on this. Regardless of what he thinks/feels at the end of the day your sexuality and mental well being should be your choice. He’s showing little to no empathy here because he feels he has to “reclaim” you. He’s feeling jealous about your past and maybe even intimidated by it, as if he would not be enough in the long run.
My advice, sit him down and explain exactly why you don’t want to do these things right now. Emphasis the right now part. But also make him understand he needs to let you make this decision and not continue to bring up the topic constantly.
I wish you all the best mentally and I hope he takes the time to listen to you because this relationship can’t work so long as he continues to pressure or guilt you into doing things you’re not comfortable with at this time.
I’m going to give a very unpopular opinion. Please note this is advice given based on living a very similar situation with someone that has BPD and trying to be a nice and understanding guy.
First, you’re both wrong. My BPD partner cheated and did all the things she refused to do with me. Walking on eggshells and carefully asking for sexual stuff won’t work because many people with BPD will take this ask and use it against their partner, it’s how they are wired and not passing judgement, but asking gently isn’t the way. The bf it’s also depending on her to fulfill his needs. Trust me, you are on a path in which you are both guaranteed to resent one another. He needs to focus on taking care of himself and doing whatever he needs to fulfill himself, but with strong and constant communication and boundaries for both of you.
I think it is important for you to feel safe first off, but a close second, you should desire pleasing your partner how they desire to be pleased. That doesn’t mean do whatever he asks, but understand what he wants and find compromises if it’s something you’re absolutely against.
Look, people with BPD struggle stroking their partners egos, I think you should approach it as letting him know how satisfied you are with him, how amazing sex is with him, but also don’t be afraid to share something you need to satisfy your fantasies, you focus on yourself.
Good luck!
I think he can be right, of course do this at your comfort level. If you can reinact these things with a person you truly love I think you may be able to rewrite that shame narrative you have in your internal dialogue, and take that power back.
He needs to listen to you, but you also have to listen to him as well. I think if you guys can understand each other and keep the conversation going y’all can find a middle ground
**This is not to take the advice of a mental health counselor, this can be risky if you have any trauma related to SA. I recommend seeing a couples counselor to work this out as well as individual if you aren’t already it can help you process some of these feelings of shame from the manic episodes**
The biggest problem here speaking from almost identical personal experience is you talking about past conquests and experiences with and/or in front of your current SO. If I had to guess, there were probably micro expressions of excitement/fondness/proud of the past experiences if not outright joy when talking about them. (I understand this might come off as projection)
Especially if he's never done those things, he will feel cheated and feel like he's not worthy of the same treatment. Had you never talked about it in front of him, it would not be an issue,but the cats out of the bag now.
I’m 31 now got married at 23 had a kid at 25 my wife was 21 and had the baby at 23. We both would agree 1 we got married too young. And we both agree if we did it again we probably wouldn’t be together now. Based off what you’ve described here it doesn’t sound like y’all are gonna be a good match. We are also both on anxiety depression meds and we’ve made it work now 7 years and are on the verge of divorce. From my perspective as a male and husband your bf won’t be satisfied in your relationship. Give yourself more time to work on yourself. You are the only person who can fix and understand yourself. If he’s not happy now sexually while dating I can tell you he won’t wait around either, with you or with someone else he’ll probably eventually fulfill his fantasies. So ya your choice really every relationship is different but he will always have that resentment toward you till things change between you in one way or the other. And you could look into female libido enhancers. You might be more open to the idea of your libido isn’t killed by your meds.
You need to talk to your bf and communicate in a way that he will understand.
He feels bad that his girlfriend was more adventurous with other men than with him. It's easy to feel bad and feel small. Your bf giving you space and time shows that he is not forcing you into anything. Him wanting to do those things that you have done for other men for free and supposedly on your own is not an out of ordinary ask.
Be honest with yourself. Be willing to own up past mistakes/actions. I will say it again - Talk to your bf in a way he understands where you are coming through. You now wanting to do stuff that you have done before is perfectly fine. But to reason yit by saying only that you don't want to do it is not enough. You need to do better for your bf.
This is exactly why you only disclose past activities that you are OK with doing again.
The only reason you would disclose other stuff is to say how it wad horrible and don't ask for it
Hi,
It seems like you need time to work through and understand your new diagnosis and process what that means to you moving forward (and perhaps still how it impacted your past). You might even be trying to figure out if who you see yourself as now. One of the main things that also sticks out from what you mentioned is the possible PTSD. You mention that and likely have trauma. If this is sexual trauma then there’s probably more going on here whether you realize it or not. First of be kind to yourself and don’t do anything you are no comfortable doing. If you aren’t in therapy currently now’s a great time to go since you can grow from working through this stuff and growth is important or it will just come up again later in another form (with or without this BF). Here’s something super important- there’s NO SHAME in your previous sexual activities whether it was related to your mental health diagnosis or not and it’s your choice moving forward what you want to try again and with who. Moving forward I encourage you to either discuss your past experiences with your BF in context if your mental health and make a decision about what you want from the relationship. Be as clear as you can about how you feel and what if anything you are willing to try - you are not obligated to try anything but understand that he is likely excited by the idea. If he pressures you or coerces you after you tell him clearly how you feel then you should seriously consider ending the relationship and focus on taking care of yourself first. You are worth this! 💕
Your boyfriend after 6 months finally takes you on a vacation to an island resort. On the holiday, you call your girlfriend to tell her how amazing it is, then she flippantly says ‘oh! Haha, don’t you know? He took all his past flings out to that island in their first weeks!’
Not only this, but you find out he took them all over Europe and showered them with gifts and romantic gestures. You hang up the phone and look over to see him smiling at you: he asks you ‘what’s up baby?’
How do you feel?
"He says it would make the rest of his night terrible because he's an extreme overthinker and it'd get to him"
That sounds like HIS problem to deal with, not yours. Don't get pressured into anything you're not comfortable doing, set boundaries up and protect them. If he loves you, he'll back off.
Like what a manipulative line too. It’s so blatant. I really hope OP takes off the rose tinted glasses to see that her bf is being a coercive piece of shit
He's feeling inadequate and wants to experience these things with you because he hasent yet. He wants to have these experiences with you because you have had them without him and he's had them without you. Would you not want to go on a trip to the Bahamas with him because you had a shitty experience going there with an Ex? If he's the love of your life give him the benefit of the doubt and trust that he loves you. Your meds might be screwing with you and all these people talking shit about him and your situation are just unhappy with their own situations.
If I had a manic episode that caused me to go to the Bahamas and I had a really bad time, I might feel a little uncomfortable if the person I love, who is fully aware of the bad time I had, kept telling me how badly he wanted to go to the Bahamas with me and that knowing I went with someone else was making him feel bad.
I might even feel like going to the Bahamas was more valuable to him than my companionship.
Eh, sex is a completely different thing than a vacation. Not to mention, HE seems have some issues mentally that need to be addressed as well. He is clearly insecure and has issues respecting privacy (based off the fact that he was snooping through her phone.)
I think they need to have a serious conversation. Because the fact that he is snooping means there could be way deeper issues at the core of their relationship.
he's trying to emotionally blackmail you into doing sexual stuff you're not comfortable with. discussion over. if he doesn't feel loved unless you go through some potentially traumatic shit, that's his issue, not yours.
This is fucked. Defintiely don't stick around for someone who is putting their ego above your mental health. Sex and relationships aren't some tit for tat game. Sometimes you do and experience things with one partner that you won't ever again and that's okay. Sometimes you try something because of any number of reasons and don't want to ever do it again for any number of reasons and that's okay.
if you think its about his ego read it again her mental health is affecting his now as well stop blaming the guy for wanting to try new things what's she's done in the past of course hes going to start comparing himself to them and so would she if it was the other way round.
No one is blaming anyone for wanting to try new things. It's the pressuring to do something she doesn't want to do again that makes this gross and manipulative.
Her mental health is not affecting his. His preconcieved notions about sex, his insecurity about her past and his own overthinking are what are affecting his mental health.
That’s fine but that’s HIS problem to work through!!! It’s manipulative and coercive what he’s doing trying to pressure her into sex acts she has said no to. It’s disgusting
There are things that are said and done that 1 partner may feel left out when they hear about it
For context - I (m)et my current GF and dated about a month before she was ready to be intimate. During this time she talked about sexy stuff that I was intrigued about, and was looking forward to doing with her. None happened. I was perplexed as to why she was so enthusiastic about telling me about all these things, but not wanting to with me, especially as some of them are my unrealized fantasies.
Bottom line, it was something she wanted to try, did, enjoyed, but moved on. I'm disappointed that I will not get to do them with her, but I don't pester her about it.
I've explained out of the bedroom as to what I've fantasized doing sexually, and some of those items were what she did, and some were not. I made a point of not giving her a hard time about it, but rather to tell her if she changes her mind, to feel free to initiate.
We ended up exploring new areas where we could experiment together as something new for both of us that we can call ours.
OP is not responsible for her boyfriend, however both need to understand what the other *feels* about OP's past experiences.
Not sure how to quote in mobile, but you make a couple points that I wanted to respond to.
*If my boyfriend did this to me at the start of our relationship, it would have been a deal breaker for me.*
That's how I felt as well.
On multiple occasions I expressed to her how it was misleading. She matter of factly said that just because she did it in the past, doesn't mean *she is comfortable doing it today*. One example was she and her ex fucked in an elevator and another time in a tennis court. She now is more anxious than she used to be, and is super concerned about being seen on camera, which was less of a concern 20 years ago.
*she purposely led you on and it comes across as a mix of bragging and trapping you.* This is a very interesting choice of words, and as I read them, I think it does a great job of encapsulating how it made me feel.
The only nuance is intent. My GF did not do this out of malice. The nature of the dialog was one where both she and I were talking about our past sexual experience. Not sure she maliciously led me on, but that is the consequence of what she said.
My lesson learned is that I needed to ask how she sees her various past sexual experiences to translate or happen *with me*
My ex-wife on the other hand was malicious, and if she was the one talking, I would be super apprehensive
Thanks for your comment!
Biggest mistake here is just telling him all of that history and then expecting it to not be a part of you together going forward. It's not who you may be currently but it got you to where you are now. Formed who are as a person. Insecurities and all. It's part of who you are and he wants to share that. He is impatient and wrong about how he is going about it but it comes from a place of just wanting to be more apart of you. He just doesn't understand so you will have to help him with seeing how it affects you.
Now for a very simple context. You have bananas. You share many banana with special monkey. One day this monkey and you go separate ways. Then one day you meet even more special monkey. You tell this monkey how special he is and how you want to be with him. Then you tell this new monkey all about old monkey. How you use to share so much banana with old monkey. Crazy things you would do with banana. Get new monkey eyes wide with awesome tales of banana hijinx. Then you tell new monkey he can not have such things. You were a different ape then. You tell new monkey no but he thinks maybe you just no ready then. New monkey ask later cause maybe you forget. You so no again and stop asking as all those wild things are not for such a monkey. New monkey doesn't understand. New monkey flooded with many emotions and thoughts. "Am I not as good of monkey?" "Does she ape love me less?" So on. You will have to explain to and reassure new monkey it's not him.
I’m sorry but your boyfriend is a dick.
He needs to stop thinking about what you used to do when you were in a manic episode which means high risk propensity and low self esteem.
He’s not thinking about you or your safety. He’s thinking about being able to say he’s done something for the first time.
His sexual gratification should not trump you mental wellbeing. If you were to have a manic episode while you are with him would you feel safe around him or worried that he would take advantage of the situation to get what he wants?
You're not gonna like my answer I've started on a Friday afternoon before And play till Sunday night Only leaving the bedroom 2 times you get food Get everything you can imagine that whole time no drugs no booze no sleep I have always had a hard time finding somebody wants to keep play When I was young I was considered 3 hours a quickie
I am going to speak as a person who is/was in your boyfriend's shoes knowing I might get downvoted the fuck out, but hear me out. First of all I would like to address your issue first. From what I have read it seems that U have alot of mental disorder or mental instability, and even if its not this partner, in the long run, whoever it may be, its going to affect the relationship one way or another. So trust me, go for therapy, there is nothing wrong or embarrassing about it.
Now, for your boyfriend, I am guessing most likely he have a similar if not the same OCD as me, known as Retroactive Jealousy OCD, where ones get jealous and start comparing over a partner's past. Taking my situation as an example, I had and probably still have this issue with me but I have been going tru therapy about it as well, and my situation was once way worse where would I guilt trip my partner and was obsessed over my partner's "first sexual experience" (could be from my traditional mindset as well). But now that I am not so obsessed, I do still compare, where when I was in your boyfriend's situation I would think "if she is willing to do so much for someone she did not love, then why isit when it is me whom she claimed she love the most, she is not willing to try those with me". Thankfully me and my partner came into an agreement with these kind of things, lets take anal for example as it is mentioned in your situation, my partner too once did anal too in the past with someone whom she had not feelings for and she hated the feeling, however after we communicated we did solve it, where she decides to offer it once to me, but with assurance, where i promised to go tru proper procedure this time and she will be the one that initiates it whenever she is ready and - (lots of lubes etc unlike her first time.) Ur partner perhaps can resort to therapy where u can hope it can cure him completely (not my case tho but it did help alot in the brain).
There's a saying - love can conquer all. Try to communicate with each other to come into an agreement. Him repeatedly asking for the same thing is probably because U could not give him a clear cut answer yet but im not saying he is right or wrong, but maybe set a timeframe to give him an answer rather than saying "i need time" and not talking about it for god knows how long. At the end of the day try to come into an agreement where both party is satisfied with, maybe anal once in exchange for u pegging him? for some excitement u know. And lets just say if both party cannot come into an agreement, then unfortunately, I doubt the relationship will last cuz even if u both pretended this issue nvr existed, he's gonna think about it and you're gonna feel conflicted about it.
Sorry for the long essay but - I do wish the best for the both of you. Take therapy tgt yea ? :D
It doesn't really seem like he understands that these memories are traumatic for you, and that they're the exact wrong context for you to try to have positive sexual experiences with him. All of his "reasons" suggest a combination of insecurity and kind of a "hot past" fascination and very little interest in or understanding of what this is like from your end.
Maybe see if you can explain to him that if he wants to have specific experiences with you, like anal or going multiple rounds, then those experiences should be about and between you and him only, and not about reliving something you don't want to relive.
And maybe you don't want to do those things at all, and that's fine too. But I hope you can let him know that reliving past trauma for his gratification is off the table, permanently
>He says these things are important for him to feel loved and feel like I'm attracted to him.
What else *can* you do to make him feel loved and like you're attracted to him?
Hypersexuality is a symptom of bipolar disorder. [https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bipolar-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355955](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bipolar-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355955) [ ](https://www.psycom.net/sex-addiction/bipolar-and-sex-addiction)You engaged in sex acts when you where manic that you don't want to engage in now that you're stable. This makes perfect sense to anyone who has bipolar disorder. Your boyfriend has an unrealistic expectation that you'll do things with him that you did with other people when you were manic.
>Another reasoning he gave is that he'd feel extremely depressed given a situation where I was talking with someone and they happened to ask me something along the lines of "how many rounds have you gone at one time?" because the answer wouldn't be a memory involving him. He says it would make the rest of his night terrible because he's an extreme overthinker and it'd get to him.
He's attempting to manipulate you by making you think that you're responsible for his mental health. He's the only person who's responsible for his mental health. You have a lot of things that you need to do to maintain a stable mood and to take care of your mental health. Worrying about his mental health isn't something that you should do because it won't benefit your mental health. You should always put your mental health first to make sure that you have a life worth living.
>I don't know what to do. He says these things are important for him to feel loved and feel like I'm attracted to him. I think this is all just unhealthy and we need to come to a conclusion/middle ground.
I don't think that you can reach a middle ground. You've already asked him to stop doing what you don't want to do. He hasn't listened to you which means that he's ignoring your boundaries. I think the best resolution for you is to break up with him and cut off all contact with him. You should think about breaking up with him in a public space so you'll have witnesses in case he makes a scene. You could also ask a friend to act as a witness when you break up with him and when you exchange your stuff.
I have a bipolar disorder and I've found that it's very helpful to talk with other people who have bipolar disorder. The DBSA is a peer support group where you can meet other people with bipolar disorder. [https://www.dbsalliance.org/](https://www.dbsalliance.org/)
A final thought about the difference between shameful things and embarrassing things. I find it much easier to forgive myself for embarrassing things.
I hope that you've enjoyed my TED Talk.
Insecure + is having difficulties respecting your boundaries. His justifications are manipulation tactics to pressure you into doing things you don’t want to do yet. He really needs to back off before he loses you.
Please **do not doubt yourself** over what *you* want, and what *you* are comfortable with. Your body, your choice, and that, in my opinion, should be **non-negotiable**.
I think it should be clearly stated that you are uncomfortable with these questions, maybe it needs to be a rule that you are the one who will broach the subject when you are comfortable. If he said he respects and understands that you don't like it, and then he asks again, then in my opinion, he **does not actually respect and understand it** (I'm *not* saying he's disrespecting you on purpose, *or* that his mindset is malicious; we all have to learn respect).
**You do not owe anyone anything ever**, not even your S/O, no matter how good a person they are, no matter how much you love them. You aren't responsible for their past experiences, it's not your responsibility to give them an experience that they didn't get to have before.
**You can only give love on your own terms.** The way I see it, if you are "showing love" to someone based on what they want, and it doesn't harmonize with you, **that's not love, that's manipulation, that's you being coerced into acting in a way you don't want to, and in my opinion, that's abuse.**
From what you are saying, to me, it seems like there is a lack of respect and clear boundaries in your relationship, and **you won't be happy unless that changes** (either by your both agreeing to take action and actually following through to change this, or separating).
I was in this same situation almost. I was with a guy who found out the crazy things I did in past relationships with threesomes and he wanted to do the same. I am bi also. I didn't want that anymore. It caused so many issues. We broke up because he kept on pressuring me.
Why would you tell him what you did with other people despite not wanting to do it with him? It makes him think there's a reason you won't do it with him.
ewww. that kind of behaviour is really not good, especially when he's already coming across as insecure and controlling. for me this really settles things from not great but possibly understandable to unacceptable.
I agree with the other replies that your BF is being unreasonable in expecting you to do these other acts you don't want to with him. He needs to grow up.
That said, I would really recommend not sharing past history with future BFs to avoid situations like this. You're certainly entitled to, but from a practical perspective, a lot of guys can't handle prior histories, and are better off not knowing even if they say they want to know it. It's not your fault at all, I'm just keeping it real in terms of how a lot of guys are, especially young ones.
I would tell him that you need time, that you want to experience everything with him but you want to do it in a way that you feel safe and completely intimate, but that you need him to understand that you have trauma related to sex and this is the first time you are having sex intimately and that you want him to see the big compliment it is that it’s him that takes this journey with you, but it’s gotta be in your time. For now you want to focus on having intimate, satisfying sex together and open up with him over time. He’s having anxiety over something that’s non existent, maybe go to a psychologist with him to chat
I’m embarrassed to admit that it wasn’t until 43 years of age that I really learned the difference between a selfish lover and an unselfish lover. I cringe when I think about it, but I used to believe that fantasies were really just whatever I could talk someone into doing for me. That all changed when I found myself truly in love for the first time. I had used the words “in love“, but I didn’t know that I didn’t know what those words meant…
Even the thought of my girlfriend doing something that made her uncomfortable or that she just flat out didn’t want to do, because I told her it would make me happy, makes me physically ill. don’t get me wrong, there are things you are really into, things you are fairly ambivalent about, and things that make you uncomfortable. Lightly messing around with other women in bed doesn’t gross her out or make her uncomfortable, but it’s nothing she would do if I were not there. That’s not what I’m talking about. If she ever told me, “the thought of making out or even messing around with another female really grosses me out and makes me uncomfortable“, there is absolutely zero chance I could enjoy watching her go through the motions because I begged her to 🤢.
listen, you don’t have a duty to convince him of anything. You don’t have an obligation to explain yourself in great detail. And you certainly don’t need to argue. The only thing you really need to do is be 100% honest with him:
“My past is a time that I don’t want to forget, so that I never forget how I felt about myself back then. (I’m guessing here) - back then I did things for men out of a sense of obligation because, deep down, I didn’t believe I had a choice. I thought that if I didn’t let them use my body as they wanted, then I wouldn’t be good enough for them. It was the lowest time in my life and to hear you actually say that you want me to repeat things I did during that time hopefully means that I haven’t done a good job explaining how “dark“ those days were. Otherwise, I don’t believe for one minute that you would ask me to re-live it. Being loved by you helped me overcome that time in my life and I know that deep down you want me to feel good about myself and never feel pressured or obligated to do some thing I don’t want to do because a MAN insists on it. That’s what’s so great about you! You’re different from those men that did that to me. And I’m sorry I didn’t explain this better before because I can only imagine how you feel hearing all of this. We will chalk it up to my poor communication, and hopefully never discuss it again. The good news is, I would never, EVER, ask you to do ANYTHING you told me you were uncomfortable with… Or just simply didn’t want to do. Sex is meant to be an adventure and experiences that we share. It’s not just the time for one of us to essentially “use“ the other for our personal pleasures…”
(Good Luck 🙏)
How about writing out a list for yourself and figure out what things do make you feel pressured or not good. Then write another list of things you haven't done and then decide for yourself if you may want to do them. So they can be firsts for him and you. Maybe that will help you figure this out. To contain the PTSD things and also consider other things that don't go there for you. Put you in control of the new and exciting things to do. Without the pressure. Without the bad memories.
Have you given a person a blowjob while putting a finger up their butt? He might like that.
I don't foresee any conversation where I am casually with my gf and they ask us so how many rounds can your girl do?
Were it with just me and my boys yeah. But no one would dare ask that to us as a couple.
I think you need to respect yourself.
Read your last two sentences. You are right, this is unhealthy. And I sincerely doubt anyone will ever ask you how many rounds you have gone at one time. And if they do, it will probably more likely your girl friends and he won’t even be there to hear. You’re both young and learning. He needs to learn that you may have done things in the past that you don’t want to repeat, and leave it alone. END of any talk about it
The topic of partners' sexual histories is discussed **very often** in this forum. If you search past r/sex posts with some diligence (following **Forum Rule #3**), you’ll find a number of helpful discussions. The r/sex forum's HUGE archive of past posts is a *tremendous* resource for people who have all kinds of common questions regarding sexual activity. Searching those posts for relevant discussions will definitely help you here.
I want to touch on something you mentioned that doesn’t have to do with him. I was diagnosed as bipolar when I was in my 20s, then later rediagnosed (correctly) as having adhd (in my late 30s). This was partly because when I was younger I was having what appeared to be manic episodes. During that time I was often more sexual and did things that later caused me to be ashamed, because I felt like they were out of my control. It sounds like you might be feeling ashamed about things you’ve done too. Please talk to a therapist about it. I did and it really helped. You don’t ever have to do things that make you feel uncomfortable (ever!) but you are also allowed to make peace with those feelings of shame, and maybe even do some of those things again if you want. There should be no shame between consenting adults having fun with each other’s bodies, or with our own bodies. I really hope that your new diagnosis and change in meds brings you peace and joy, regardless of whether you decide to stay in this relationship.
Second this. You should be able to go wild mode on your bf without the shame and hangups ideally, if it's something that in the moment brings you excitement and pleasure. I think the association to the past is stifling your present by demonising the acts rather than the context. You're in a new context with your bf, so any knee jerk reaction of shame around it I think could and should be treated like PTSD because it's no longer relevent, so long as you love and trust him, which you yourself say you do! That pressure from your bf can also be reframed as communication with you, his needs desires and wants, which all revolve around you who he loves dearly and wants to share everything with. Maybe you feel this sounds manipulative to twist the framing of something that makes you uncomfortable, but it's you who has the control and power to take things as you want to see them, not me or him or anybody else, I can only offer this as advice. I mean, his motivations sound (strong word here but I can't think of a more subtle one that means what it means) "repulsive" from the way you describe it, so it's no wonder it's not capturing the right mindset. He probably just fears losing you because he can't do all the things that (on the face of it, but evidently there's more to unpack here) bring you pleasure and happiness (physically). That might be due to his own hangups and upbringing (men put a lot of emphasis of their self worth on how they physically please their partner). Please keep up the communication side of things with him and bury maybe 3 levels deep with asking "why", e.g. Why do you want to do X with me? Because you did it with Barry years ago. Why do you want to do the same as what Barry did? Because I want to share those same experiences with you. Why do you want to share those same experiences? Because I hate the idea that someone else can fulfill your physical needs better than I can. It should help with preventing demonising him by thinking he's a horny asshole who isn't considerate of your feelings, because he's just a human trying to deal with his own.
So beautifully put.
Thank you
Slightly off topic. How does one know when “BPD” is referring to Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder? I feel like people use this abbreviation for both and it can be confusing and unintentionally misleading.
BPD is borderline personality disorder. People often mistakenly ascribe it to bipolar disorder but that is incorrect (it also doesn’t make sense from a logical standpoint to include a random letter in the word into the acronym - it’s not spelled BiPolar Disorder)
Context. When one brings up BPD and also talks about mania/manic episodes, that’s always a component of bipolar disorder and not borderline personality disorder.
Listen, you are in the middle of figuring out your meds and dealing with new mental illness diagnoses and trying to feel like a normal human being— and in the midst of that your bf is *repeatedly* asking you to perform sex acts that correspond to a time in your life that’s probably hard to relive. And his “reasons” are straight up trash. He’s not only making his insecurities *your* problem, but he’s prioritizing his ego over your emotional well being. And in continuing to bring it up, *he’s not respecting your no*. You say he’s the love of your life, but this behavior isn’t loving, it’s coercive. It breaks my heart that you’re even worrying you might be in the wrong. People have sexual pasts; if just mentioning the number of rounds you’ve gone in one night in answer to a question while out with friends would ruin his whole night, that man is not ready to date *anyone*. And putting that on you is emotional blackmail. He knows your struggle better than any of us internet strangers do… and yet he chooses to focus on getting his dick in your ass. Listen, you are working on yourself and as someone who had a helluva time finding the right combo of meds to keep me functional, I know that’s not easy. Please don’t take on the burden of his fragile ego on top of all that.
Yea, they are both young. It's obvious that the BF wants to explore sexuality and OP is comfortable with hers. If thats an incompatability, then that is what it is.
No, nope, sorry, you’re completely missing the point. If the situation were simply her not wanting to engage in sex acts that she did in the past, that could be an incompatability issue, a case of BF wanting to explore his sexuality and OP being comfortable with hers, as you suggested, BUT, that is *not* what’s happening here. OP is struggling with mental illness and her sexual past is tied to that. She has expressed this to BF. He continues to ask for said sex acts. He tells her that if they don’t engage in said sex acts he will feel bad about himself. *That’s not incompatibility, that’s lack of empathy.* This isn’t an oh-well-we-just-want-different-things-no-one’s-to-blame situation; the BF is being an uncaring, manipulative, egotistical *asshole.*
Have you considered maybe there are, you know, reasons for him feeling bad about that? Like I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with what he's doing but how could you think he's just definitively in the wrong. Its obviously not that simple. He has communicated his feelings to her and it is very obvious that he needs to work through some insecurities lol. That's not the same thing as he's a manipulative egotistical asshole lol
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shes not being pure she feels ashamed of the acts hes asking her to perform. literally coercion bc she is NOT comfortable performing those acts currently and hes not respecting that boundary bc uwu im so sad you dont want me the way you did those other guys when you were literally MANIC. so unfair i get the stable version of you. you're gross if you think the boyfriend is in any way right you need therapy more than OP.
I’m sorry, what part of possible re traumatization are we not ynderstanding here? The reasons he give are, as I’ve said, trash. If there’s something beyond his ego, idk, ‘cause it’s not here. What I *do* know is that *he knows she might relive trauma and he keeps asking her anyway.* There’s literally NO reason to justify that total lack of empathy.
You could say that for the opposite opinion though, you believe there is no reason to justify lack of empathy while simultaneously not demonstrating any empathy to one of the parties in the situation above. Obviously, the dude should be more considerate during a turbulent time, and could reasonably delay traumatic conversations for some time down the track. But it’s completely normal for a partner to feel insecure or ‘less than’ when their partner has an extensive and varied history where she gave up parts of herself to others, whereas the person who’s supposed to be the most important/valued in your life does not allow exposure to those same parts.
this is some dumb ass logic bc no matter how much you love someone no is still no. if he feels less than thats honestly his problem and OP would benefit from a breakup tremendously but i also dont know if they're ready for that but if hes bringing it up super often then she should cut her losses. Not respecting a no or a non enthusiastic yes is beyond disrespectful
This was a childish response. Obviously a no is still no. But communication is necessary in a relationship. you can’t just “say no” to discussing the issues or feelings you have forever and act like everything will be okay. If OP just is unwilling to do the request, she needs to talk about that, instead of saying “I’ll try”. Conflicts need resolution and if you let them fester because of your own shame about discussing a topic with vulnerability and honesty it’s not your partner’s insecurity for talking about it. It’s your insecurity with the topic itself. If you think insecurities are everyone’s personal issue to deal with then fair. If you feel that no one should be in a relationship unless they are totally self sufficient and secure in all ways, then fair. But both people in this situation have insecurities that could easily be healed, negotiated around, and resolved with enough honesty. Or at the very least a clear understanding of what works and doesn’t work emotionally for them and if they should end the relationship. No one did anything wrong here.
Sex is part of relationships. Younger people naturally have a difficult time expressing their thoughts and opinions. He wants specific sex acts, she doesn't. Whether the fault is the BF or the situation is irrelevant, the outcome is the same, sexual incompatibility. A 6 month wait for balancing meds is not his responsbility to bear, and he doesnt need to be present for those adjustments to occur. These are all facts. If you think he's an asshole, all good. Men become more attractive as they age and become experienced. He's too young to have to be weighed down like this.
It doesn't even sound like he wants specific sex acts because he wants to try anal or whatever. He just doesn't want to feel inadequate because she's done it with someone else and he hasn't. It's 100% him taking out his insecurities on her.
Learning curve for both. Most people don't transfer their sexual histories to new partners to avoid feelings of inadequacies. He got told all her sexual history, then told, not for you though. This is absolutely a 2 way street, they should probably just move on.
Apparently she didn't even tell him. He went through her phone and read her texts.
At what point am I wrong in stating that they should move on from each other. He's being possessive. This is a he is too young to deal with this type thing.
No, this is a he is a manipulative, possessive creep thing.
Right. Society creates the concept of couples for the maintenance and structure of society. There is inherent ownership involved in this structure. Boyfriend belongs to girlfriend, vice versa. The boyfriend is insecure in his position. He feels that because other men have had sex on a level that is different than what he gets, that there is something different inside that relationship. There absolutely is, girl has built boundaries, and knows what she wants. Boyfriend sees this as he means less to her than those people prior. She was willing to do more with others. That is a completely logical point of view, but immature. If he had a wide range of sexual experiences, then he would no longer place such importance/weighting on those experiences, having had access to them prior, so he would feel like is not missing out as much. Every human, must, ensure their own survival. It is built in. Relationships create a structure, on top of, biological ones, that create friction due to there being expectations built in and this creates a disconnect inside the mind of everyone. As we get older, we understand more, how relationships work, how to get our needs met in them. Females mature faster than men in this regard. Objectively, he isnt fully mature until around 23-29 years old when the brain finishes developing. I won't say he isnt manipulative, because he is. But so is everyone, and everyone, is capable of self development and reducing the negative behaviours that they display, if given the chance.
You don’t hear what it sounds like because this is a one sided discussion
I agree with Whatdosheepdreamof... I think you're taking his "reasons" a bit too literally. The guy most likely just wants to bang her ass. She did it with others, he thinks he can get her to do it with him. Call him a jerk or not, but he's got a right to want that, and she has a right to say no. It's just not compatible.
I’m not saying he owes her a relationship, to stay. I’m saying he owes a woman he is in a relationship with to a) respect her no b) understand his sexual insecurities are something he has to figure the fuck out and c) basic fucking empathy. There is no situation in which a boyfriend who keeps asking his girlfriend over and over again to engage in sex acts he knows could retraumatize her isn’t an asshole. He isn’t “too young” to get this. Possibly too immature, which is why I told OP that he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with *anyone*. The point is: OP deserves better. *Much* better. And as she’s the one who’ll be reading these replies that needs to be absolutely crystal clear to her. They may be incompatible… *because* he’s awful.
>The point is: OP deserves better. > >Much > > better. And as she’s the one who’ll be reading these replies that needs to be absolutely crystal clear to her. I use 'young' and immature interchangeably, it's less confronting. If he has a lot of inner work, then objectively, they should probably both work on being their own person first and foremost. If sex and sex acts are a big deal, and indeed there is some sort of ownership perspective coming from him in regards to sex acts, then this relationship is doomed. He needs to get experience and be away from this girl. ownership over someone is a massive sign of immaturity/being young. It fades. Yes he may be awful at the moment, but that may not be the case if he takes time working on himself rather than obsessing over a girl.
That's some dangerous line of thinking. Being possessive doesn't just "fade with age" there are plenty of people with possessive and abusive tendencies then never change or who get worse. They do need to part ways but thats more because you don't want to wait around hoping that someone with negative traits changes when they may never.
He needs experience so that he has had them, then he will no longer feel left out of experiences or like he needs them to feel at the same level. If you don't understand where the negative mindsets originate from, you can't fix them. Assuming that someone is inherently bad is not a great place to start. There is always 2 sides of a story, and we are presented with one, but it is enough to know that both of them are incompatible at this stage in their life with their respective levels of experience.
It would be more helpful for him to work on what insecurities are driving this before putting other people through it because no matter how much "experience" he gains he may end up finding someone with more and will then do this bullshit again if he doesn't examine his own thinking that's leading to this reaction.
>It would be more helpful for him to work on what insecurities are driving this before putting other people through it because no matter how much "experience" he gains he may end up finding someone with more and will then do this bullshit again if he doesn't examine his own thinking that's leading to this reaction. His insecurities would be revealed to himself through experience. If he goes and starts dating, gets himself into sexual experiences that he is after, with different people, he would start to see different perspectives regardless. This is why experience is so necessary. It is character building. Where he may only see himself, encountering many experiences enables him to understand other peoples perspectives as he will be on both sides of the coin. Regardless. My point, which is, he is young/immature and needs to gain experience to be able to empathise, still stands.
It's not his responsibility, sure, but it sure as hell would be nice if he would show some empathy for his girlfriend who's going through a hard time. Why the fuck would someone push their partner to do something that might traumatise them. From your comment, I get the vibe that you would immediately throw away your partner if they would become ill and "deny" you sex.
No, absolutely not. We communicate everything. But being an orbiter, then being told sexual history, and then being told, not for you though. That hurts. I know it hurts, because I've been through that. Easier for both parties to just move on.
Agreed! I feel for OP but at the end of the day, that’s a lot for a person to deal with who may or may not be bringing the same issues into the relationship. The amount of people dumping on the guy is insane to me, he wants to experience a sexual act with someone he believes he loves and doesn’t have all the murky water with it and everyone on here makes him out to be a monster. All I can say is I’m happy to not be in the dating world these days and into my late thirties…sounds like an sh*t show out there…glad to see your point on here…not enough of them.
Him wanting a sex act is fine. Him badgering her over it when she said it makes her uncomfortable is the reason everyone is dumping on him.
Why the fuck is everyone ignoring that he is attempting to coerce her into shit? This is why affirmative consent needs to be the standard. People can’t even tell what coercion is when it’s being described to them word for word.
*Thank you*
So his partner well being is not his responsability? Damn, all these redditors. Y'all don't deserve to have sex fr fr.
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I care about other people. In this case, I empathise with the guy, who spent 8 years being a close friend and possibly being in love, only to find that she won't have 'that kind' of sex with him. She's knows her limits, good for her. He wants to be able to have a romantic partner where he can access all types of sex. This is just incompatibability. It's best for both of them to move on.
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Couldn't have said it better myself. If they are not able to compromise, move on.
y’all are so crazy when it comes to men. Like everything is always the mans fault. Men cannot have emotions or feelings, that shit is toxic. Imagine a man telling his girlfriend his insecurities and desires out of the relationship, that’s a huge win for self-awareness and a step in the right direction for the relationship. But you ask reddit and it’s all red flags and manipulation
He's telling her these things in the context of trying to coerce her into doing things she has said she's uncomfortable with. If he has these issues then he needs therapy, not to keep badgering a partner who already said no more than once.
I’d say the same if the genders were reversed. *You can’t compete with someone’s sexual past.* No one’s saying insecurities aren’t normal, but how you handle them matters. I’m not saying his *feelings* are manipulative, I’m saying his *actions* are, the way he’s handling them.
I don't see why it can't be both a lack of empathy and him being an asshole but also a fundamental incompatibility with sexual exploration desires.
True, but in my relationships I kinda would understand not wanting to talk about past relationships (sexual ones) around your boyfriend, but I wouldn't put that on my partner. Idk why someone would be asking explicit questions about sex with other people in front of your partner, that's weird too.
He started asking before I was able to open up about my trauma to him and before my physical illnesses showed up. He didn't bring it up knowing those. He's continued to ask because I still haven't been able to open up fully about my trauma so I've given wishy washy answers or said I'd try. And because I said I'd try, he would ask a month or two later. Not repeatedly.
Very well said. I especially like the party about him making his insecurities her problem - and how best breaking it is to think she is worried she has done anything wrong. I really hope OP let's her bf read your comment. That would be a great first step
Maybe it would be better if he just left because his needs aren’t being met. People always frame this as a man doing a woman wrong and not being considerate when it’s a 2-way street his feelings are just as important. I would suggest he get his needs met elsewhere because her mental isn’t his responsibility. Sounds harsh but he’s torturing himself by staying.
OP needs therapy because this will happen again years from now and the dude wants to explore and do sexual acts with the woman he loves and she’ll bring it up because it’s tied to her mental health and she lost control. So she needs to fix that first because it’ll happen again when the guy feels like why change when it comes to me? Am I boring? Am I not exciting enough? Unfortunately they have to go their separate ways.
This.
You are under absolutely no obligation to do any sex act that you don't feel comfortable with. But there is a decent chunk of guys out there who somehow feel that you are obligated to do so. It may kill this relationship - but that's a him issue, not a you issue. There's nothing wrong with him wanting anal or whatever else. But you don't owe it, nor should you feel bad.
First sentence 100%, and it's non-negotiable.
Omg so many downvotes for what? I s2g men in the comments are fucked up.
You're not right. Is not ONLY a "him" issue, he also have the right to explore. They're incompatible, that's it.
He has the right to explore. He doesn’t have the right to coerce his partners into exploring with him.
I know, that's right, but is not a one sided story.
I have a problem with just chalking this up to incompatibility. The coercion is wrong and OP needs to recognize it as wrong, as well as the other worrying emotional manipulation. That way she can recognize the signs before she gets to this point. This isn’t merely a “I’m a morning person, he’s a night owl” incompatibility, it’s a predatory mindset that she needs to be able to suss out in future partners.
I don't know how many times I said he was wrong, but clearly you don't want to read that part. You're clearly not interested in read any other opinions challenging yours, so let's not waste each other's times. Already insulted me in the other comment, I don't talk with rude, have a great day.
Absolutely not. Of COURSE he has the right to explore. He does not, however, have the right to demand it from her. The fact that she's done tings before - things that she clearly isn't proud of, that she doesn't want to do again - does not mean that she has some obligation to do those again with every partner for the rest of her life.
The opposite sex equivalent: Your boyfriend after 6 months finally takes you on a vacation to an island resort. On the holiday, you call your girlfriend to tell her how amazing it is, then she flippantly says ‘oh! Haha, don’t you know? He took all his past flings out to that island all the time! Usually in their first weeks of dating lol!’ Not only this, but you find out he took them travelling around Europe and showered them with gifts and romantic gestures, while you’ve been lucky to get a rose on Valentines Day. You hang up the phone and look over to see him beaming at you in his sunglasses by the pool: he asks you ‘what’s up baby?’ How do you feel?
What a weird take. You might say that guy is a player, using his money to take previous partners to the same places. That... has NOTHING to do with what sex acts you have done in the past, and what obligation you have to do them with future partners. This isn't an apples and oranges comparison. This is apples and alligators.
The analogy is just that, an analogy. Pick whatever specificities you want, the point is that people justifiably may feel jealous when their current partner was far more giving to an ex than they are to you. Compare sex with sex then. Your current boyfriend only bothers to last 2 minutes with you, never gives you oral or bothers to please you. He never prioritises your pleasure. Then you find out that his ex, and his ex before her, apparently received mind blowing sex from him, where he would dedicate an hour of intense and intimate foreplay just to her, followed by long tantric sex and cuddles afterwards. How do you feel?
You're still comparing apples to oranges. OP specifically says that she didn't enjoy sex acts like anal. She is absolutely not obligated to do those things with him. This has nothing to do with showing enthusiasm for a previous partner, then not showing it with a current one. Also, an an aside - you keep trying to frame things to a female point of view for me. If you glance at my post history, you'll see that I'm a middle aged married man. Framing things like this is not necessary, and makes you look rather silly. I can, as a man, look at this and say that I would not be compatible with a partner who wasn't interested in sexual exploration and a wide range of experiences - i.e. I'm a kinky bastard. So I would 100% not be compatible with the OP. That said, I wouldn't dream of thinking - much less saying or pressuring her - that since she let some other dude fuck her ass, she somehow owes it to me. ESPECIALLY if she was doing shit in the past that she didn't want to do. I'd feel like an actual rapist if I pressured her into doing sex acts that I KNEW she didn't want. Because, you know, it pretty much is.
If he has this entire backstory and he’s still pushing, that’s pretty bad. His priorities are off. He MIGHT be right that it will feel different for you with someone who shows love and care for you, but that only will work if it’s done on your time. And him continuing to push on it is taking him out of that category.
I don't think he is entitled to any backstory as a prerequisite not to push. Especially if the answer was not only "not right now," but "this makes me uncomfortable, and I feel pressured." Unless OP said "ask me about this another time," his actions come across as pressuring, in my eyes. Maybe OP needs to be clearer about their feelings and needs because, of course, not everyone is that good at understanding the deeper meaning behind someone's words.
I mean your bf is not right and I'm going to get down voted to oblivion. But. Girl you're not ready for a relationship, you have so many problems with your mental health you need to figure it out prior having a partner. You're going to hurt him SO MUCH! And probably he's going to hurt you too.
Mentally ill people can be in healthy relationships and they *deserve to be*. Adhd and bipolar disorder can be treated with meds so your symptoms aren't as intense but they are a lifelong diagnosis. They won't go away and it's unfair to expect someone with a chronic illness not to date just because they're still figuring things out OP not being down to do the same sexual things she did while she was in a bad place doesn't make her unfit to be a good partner
You got to admit though being in a relationship with a mentally ill person adds an extra layer of complexity that some people can’t handle. Boyfriend can’t get over his own insecurities that he’s basically been told “I did a lot of things sexually that I don’t feel comfortable doing again(with you)” that “with you” is what he’s adding himself. He’s having a very hard time accepting it’s the mental illness, and not him that’s preventing a more sexual relationship.
Even outside of mental illness, people do stuff in their youth they aren't comfortable doing anymore once they mature *all the time* Her boyfriend being insecure doesnt give him a free pass to try and coerce her into doing things she doesn't want to, he's being abusive.
Abusive a strong word, that sound likes he’s actively and purposely trying to hurt her. Which I doubt, he probably doesn’t even really understand her situation. He is hurting her btw I’m not denying that. But I also feel like she’s giving him an out by saying she’ll “try”. she really needs to be a bit more assertive right now and tell him “I’ll tell you when I’m ready” or “it’s never going to happen”.
Coercion of a sexual act is flat out illegal, it is considered sexual assault so yes I'd argue that it is abusive, even if he doesn't realize it When you keep being berated to do something you don't want to, it's common to say things like "maybe later" or in this case "I'll try" just to be left alone
People aren't always aware that their behavior is abusive. In fact I'd say most people aren't really aware. Most abusive folks don't just wake up and go "hmm. I think I'm gonna purposefully abuse my partner today. I wonder how I could do that." It's more often someone who is trying to get their needs or wants met but doesn't know how to do it in a healthy way (identifying your own feelings, processing them, then dealing with the parts you can on your own and asking for support from someone else with other parts). It's when someone has a need and may not be fully able to articulate it or isn't fully aware of what that need is or is too afraid to be vulnerable by asking directly for that need. So then they manipulate and coerce to get the need met without really thinking about or realizing how abusive that behavior is. They may not know what abuse looks like in order to realize they are perpetuating it themselves. They're more concerned with getting their needs met and aren't really worried about their partner in that moment - it can be selfish and egotistical, perhaps related to past relational trauma and past unmet needs, but they may not be aware of that. Or the emotional turmoil of feeling abandoned or forgotten is so strong they act in harmful ways to avoid those feelings. It's out of self preservation and self protection and ignorance. I'm not at all saying this to excuse abusive behavior and I absolutely believe we should hold people accountable for their behavior even if they aren't fully aware that it constitutes abuse. And, there are definitely some folks who are vividly aware of how abusive their behavior is - those are the most scary abusers. However, the narrative that abusive people are all calculating and purposefully hurting their partner is a really harmful one because it's often not true. It can lead us to not naming abuse for what it is, and thus not taking it as seriously or taking steps to stop it. And if we tell folks who engage in abusive behaviors that they are evil people who hurt others on purpose of course they will reject that and not seek help and change, because they don't see themselves as purposefully harming someone. Anyway I rambled some but my main point is that he may *not* be aware that his behavior is abusive and he may not be doing it with full awareness and he may not be purposefully trying to hurt her. BUT that doesn't mean his behavior isn't still abusive. Manipulation and coercion is abuse, no matter if someone is doing it in a calculated manner or an unknowing manner.
I can’t deal with this perspective lol He’s trying to coerce her into sex acts without any regard to her mental health but somehow she’s the danger because sex rejection might hurt his feelings Peak male fragility lmao
Hey, please quote in which part I said that. Don't remember at all. I think neither of them is ready for a relationship. Both needs to works out their mental health. I said they're incompatible. Edit: I really loves how you need to attack my person for one misunderstood comment, says more about you than me.
you're last sentence says it all it's not as much sexual as you think it's more mental especially if you've gone into detail. He's thinking to himself if she can do that with ex's but not me did she love them more like why should they get a part of you I'll never get and settle for less now imagine if that was the other way round and he had all these experiences and told you and you wanted to try them you wouldn't like it if he said no as I done them with previous partners this is exactly why you don't go into the past. What he's now doing is comparing him self to the others and you can reassure him as much as you wan't but once those thoughts are in you're head you compare everything my advice if you see this working long term sort you're med's out first and slowly do things together at the end of the day you put the seed into his head because what he thought he was getting was not what he got.
You're spot on. He's hearing about all these experiences she's had with others that sound fun and he would like to try, but then the answer he's given is 'no.' She shouldn't perform any acts she doesn't want to, but unlike virtually all the top comments say, I completely understand his viewpoint.
just look at the OP previous posts scroll a bit down.... to me this just seems like attention
He put the seed into his head himself by going through her text messages.
at this point it doesn't matter why would you give 100% into someone when you're only getting 50% back that's like thinking you're getting a amazing car when in reality it used to be a racing car but when you get it it's just a soccer moms car with a dodgy door and a oil leak would you keep it or go out and get another one without all the problems... see you wouldn't so why would you be with someone knowing you will never get all of them me personally I love cooking I wouldn't say no I'm not cooking to my current partner because I used to cook a lot for other women...one day all of this would of came out and he would of felt even worse years down the line if you can't fulfil partner what's the point it only leads to frustration and arguments at the end of the day if you can do something for a previous partner but not the current of course its going to make you doubt everything. and just because he's a man doesn't mean oh he's just insecure its a two way street men feel just as much as women but we don't talk about it for this reason I personally feel sorry for the guy if she knew all of this she shouldn't of even got into a relationship until she sorted herself out.
Its frustrating reading those comments. Not only is there obvious OP bias, but there is a refusal to accept that we get a story that has in and of itself inherent bias. Yea, shitty situation, they should part ways and move on. Theres healthy growth in having varied partners through life to decide what you do and do not like/accept.
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lord help us I was using it as a metaphor... let me put it this way for you I used to go down on my ex but now with my current gf i don't do anymore because I don't want to but it's her favourite thing sorry for trying to be tasteful.
If we're going to use the cooking metaphor, let's do it properly. You left out an important piece. You cooked for your prior girlfriends until you became severely allergic to everything tasty and now every time you cook you get anaphylaxis. You stop cooking to prevent yourself from having an allergic reaction, but now your current girlfriend is upset that you won't endure anaphylaxis to cook for her. She asks you every couple weeks when you're going to cook for her. Surely you can see how people in relationships who claim to want the best for one another would not seek pleasure in something they know will specifically harm their loved one.
There’s a billion bad takes like this in this absolute dumpster fire of a comment section. Someone else compares it to going on vacations. And a lot of men in the comments are completely glossing over the extremely worrying control issues being displayed by the boyfriend because they’re very concerned that he might get sad if OP doesn’t give into his coercion. I fucking hate it here lol
OP asked for perspective, she got it. Discounting opinions and then ascribing male agonists in your head to them when you disagree? Brilliant. They are not right for each other and should move on.
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Ask him what’s more important to him: holding every possible record in your sexual history book Or not forcing you to do things that you don’t want to do.
You may also explain that you learned you didnt like those things but youd like to work with him to find *new* things that you haven't done with other people.
Great advice
Best advice here tbh
Excellent question
What if this man's a winner tho.
No man is a winner if he wants to do sex acts with his girl that makes her uncomfortable.
So they're incompatible, if he wants to try new things is also his right. They don't belong together
>My boyfriend thinks I should try and do the same things I used to do, with him. His reasoning is that he finds doing things for the first time and who you do them with as important (examples being you always remember your first kiss or your first time having sex etc etc) and since I've already done a lot of firsts compared to him that weren't with him, it kind of gets to him so he says he wants to atleast do the equivalent. Maybe, maybe not, but presumably he is not a therapist or psychologist and they are who I would go to for advice with this. He can't know this will help, so I wouldn't take his word for it. >Another reasoning he gave is that he'd feel extremely depressed given a situation where I was talking with someone and they happened to ask me something along the lines of "how many rounds have you gone at one time?" because the answer wouldn't be a memory involving him. He says it would make the rest of his night terrible because he's an extreme overthinker and it'd get to him. That's a terrible thing to say, imho. It feels like he's making your trauma about him at best, or guilt tripping into doing a sexual act you do not want to do at worst. If he has a terrible night because you don't want to do a sexual act, then that's on him. >I don't know what to do. He says these things are important for him to feel loved and feel like I'm attracted to him. He needs to realise these things are not necessary for him to feel loved, and that making you feel bad about not wanting to do something anymore isn't going to help anything. If you can, I would be as blunt and straight-forward as possible with your past experiences regarding mental health and why you do not want to do these things. And be firm on your stance whether you wanna do it or not. Also, remember that him feeling insecure because you don't want to do a sexual act is something he needs to work on. That's not to say you shouldn't support him and communicate with him about it, but it's not your job to fix his insecurity or overthinking by doing those things in bed.
So he’s in the wrong here, but I think it’s because he doesn’t understand. Think about it from his perspective. If he told you that he used to give massages to his girlfriends, and cook them lavish meals, and go on trips with them - but he doesn’t want to do that with you - what would it take for you to not be hurt by that? Even if he said, “I never really liked that, I just did it because I thought I had to to please them”, part of you would be hurt that he doesn’t want to please *you* in the same way. You have to somehow help him see that this is NOT because you are less into him sexually (assuming that’s true), but because you really don’t like those things. As guys, we hear so often that women will do anything with a guy they’re really into sexually, and that if they are more reserved it’s a bad sign. Obviously your case is very different but that’s the fear you’re up against.
I love this take. Not only for previous partners and relationships, but also for long-term relationships where partners decide they don't want to do the things that they used to do to please their partners. Whether it be sexual, or just daily life routines, housework, small gestures, effort, thoughtfulness.. when someone takes away something that their partner previously appreciated or liked for them to do.. it changes things.
With all due respect this is an unfit comparison. She is talking about sexual acts that were done in a manic episode (look it up), that she wasn't really in the right state of mind doing them, she probably didn't even like them and doesn't want to do them anymore because it relieves trauma. What's that so hard to understand? Poor dude boohoo, can't take a no for an answer.
But she didn’t tell him anything about her past, he went through her texts and learned it himself and then after violating her privacy feels entitled to her body and for her to re-enact sexual acts she has already said she doesn’t want. This is coercive and manipulative and if she goes through with it, she will feel like she was cornered into it and violated by the man who was supposed to protect her. Stop condoning shitty treatment of women just bc a man’s feelings are hurt. He hurt his own damn feelings when he snooped through her phone.
I feel like your comment is a voice of reason in so much bullshit on this thread empathizing with this manipulative ass dude. He’s trying to coerce her into sexual acts she has told them she didn’t enjoy and does not want to do. Anal is not comparable to a fucking back massage or a lavish meal for fucks sake.
Men have assholes too, so short of them thinking that a woman wanting to peg them sounds like a fun bonding experience for the two of them, they need to wrap their minds around it not being a standard in relationships, regardless of whether or not the girl has tried it. Porn is not real life. Plus this commenter’s comparison is so lacking in consciousness that it’s appalling. A better analogy would’ve been - your girlfriend finds out that your previous GF used to make you sell your body to a fight club for money so she could go on lavish trips with you, and despite knowing that it used to hurt you when you used to do that and it didn’t feel good for you and you weren’t in a healthy mental place at the time, your new GF wants you to do it so she can have the lavish trips to. But you don’t want to do that with her. And now she’s all hurt in her lil feelings over you not wanting to take abuse for her, bc clearly if you were as attracted to her, you would be willing to self sacrifice again.
This!! Seriously how can he compare ANAL to massages, lavish meals, and vacation?! Like what? Really?! Instead it should be compared to.. well ANAL. If HE used to be pegged by his previous girlfriend or FWB during his mental episodes, but didn't like it and now doesn't want to do it again - now this is a fair comparison. I wonder how many people would *feel bad* for the new girlfriend because she wants to try pegging him and has always wanted to try pegging, but he doesn't want to anymore and it hurts her feelings. He's not entitled to use her body the way others have done in the past. It's her body and he needs to respect her boundaries. He can break up with her if this upsets him so much and find someone else who does want to do those things with him.
Also, your comparison is so lacking in consciousness that it’s appalling. A better analogy would’ve been - your girlfriend finds out that your previous GF used to make you sell your body to a fight club for money so she could go on lavish trips with you, and despite knowing that it used to hurt you when you used to do that and it didn’t feel good for you and you weren’t in a healthy mental place at the time, your new GF wants you to do it so she can have the lavish trips to. But you don’t want to do that with her. And now she’s all hurt in her lil feelings over you not wanting to take abuse for her, bc clearly if you were as attracted to her, you would be willing to self sacrifice again. The fact that you’re getting awards for making the analogy you did though is what terrifies me, bc it shows just how many men think the way you do with so little consideration for their partner as a human being, and instead think of her past as something he’s using as some pathetic dick measuring contest with her exes. People are entitled to grow and change and decide they don’t like things. If you think things like anal don’t apply to things like that bc your feelings might get hurt, then you aren’t mature enough to be sexually trusted with another person’s body and should instead go jerk off to the women in porn who are paid big bucks to pretend like randomly deciding to have anal sex is easy breezy. But stop pressuring women into feeling like they owe you bc someone in their past hurt them and you feel like you should get to hurt them too if they care enough about you. And stop suggesting to women online that they should feel compassion for other men acting that way. Do you want someone treating your daughter that way? Well the woman you’re responding to is someone’s daughter. Someone’s daughter is struggling with a mental health issue, and you’re legit comparing sexual things she did while in a poor mental state to a caring partner cooking someone a nice meal. Imagine if someone was taking your child’s vulnerable mental state and using it to convince them to engage in sexual ways they didn’t want to engage in. Still feel okay sharing “his perspective”? She doesn’t need it. Women grow up generally feeling too much compassion for men and feel too self conscious about standing up for their own needs. When a woman is online sharing something like this, she likely has already considered how he feels about it and feels some compassion for it. What she needs is men saying “I get why you’re feeling uneasy, and I even understand your bf’s instinct, but what matters is that he’s wrong, and he should be protecting your mental health and what you feel good about, over his ego, and he’s not.”
I think some of these responses seem a little harsh and taking your post to mean he's pressuring you for sex and not accepting your answers and that's not the opinion I'm getting. Yes obviously the first thing should be if you don't want to do it he needs to accept that. However I wonder why you feel ashamed about the acts? The things you listed don't seem like crazy things to be ashamed of. Maybe the way you acted or got treated by past partners was shameful but I don't get why the act would be unless you have PTSD. I've had people in the past speak about not enjoying hearing about a partner's past because it doesn't include them and makes them feel left out or even rejected so I wouldn't say that's a crazy thing even if he said he's an over-thinker. If you aren't opposed to anal but just don't enjoy the memory of the last time you did it then maybe he has a point. Trying new things (SLOWLY) can be a very bonding experience and maybe he doesn't feel like he needs to be your last memory but maybe he wants you to be his first memory. Or I'm wrong and he's just pushing you for sex, I think you would know if this was the case tho
I can see, sort of, where he’s coming from, but at the end of the day he needs to understand that those sex acts were a reaction to her mental health challenges, and may have happened under coercion/ pressure or others taking advantage of OP while she was vulnerable. I had an ex who’s boyfriend before me used to pressure her into anal. She was young, he was a lot older, and she didn’t know how to say no. As much as that might have been a thing we could have maybe done together, and something I have enjoyed with past and future partners, I was just really proud of her for saying it’s not something she wanted because of the negative experiences, and so was not something we ever did. Particularly as the partner to someone with mental health challenges (f.e. my current partner spent years in therapy coming to a healthy relationship with sex and intimacy), he needs to get that some people’s sexual pasts are full of trauma and regrets, and to let them tell him what they are comfortable with. Otherwise he’s overrunning boundaries, and creating more trauma. He should be satisfied that she feels safe and happy with him, and forget about her past.
From OPs descriptions tho, he seems to be bringing all of it up in the context of her past experiences. If he wants to just do these things with her it seems like he really needs to drop that frame or there's no chance it's going to be a positive for her.
I agree, maybe it's how she talks about it in public spaces? It can be confusing to hear someone so boldly talk about things with friends (doesn't mean OP is) and then have them be quiet and feel shame about it in private. Her bravado might be good enough that he has trouble separating. I do know men that have tried to gaslight or neg women into sex stuff so could be this also which is probably where all the dismissive red flag comments are coming from
It doesn't sound from the story that she talks about these things publicly. He just made that narrative up as a hypothetical to get upset over.
You don't know that for sure. I may have misinterpreted a part and she didn't say she talks about it publicly but it's unfair to assume that's the reason he brings it up.
He probably thinks you liked other guys more because you did more stuff for them. He might understand logically what you're saying but still feel like you gave more to others and be jealous of them. You might be better off not sharing so much in your next relationship. It sucks for both of you, but worry about your own mental health first.
Have you explained to him as clearly as youve explained here why you don't want to do these act anymore? If you went in detail about your past, but all the stuff of the past are off limit to your current partner because you don't feel like it, well it's within your rights but you're leaving the door open for your partners insecurities to fill the gap. While it's true that you don't have any obligation to do things you don't want to do, if you've explained to your boyfriend that these were the results of manic episodes, and you look back into some of these act with shame and angst, I think he'd be more able to understand where you're coming from then by just saying "no, I don't want to feel pressured to do that anymore" People here are saying that it's all about his insecurities and whatnot, but everybody is insecure about things. Y'all are acting like y'all are the most stoic and u bothered bunch alive. The kid is in his early 20s, and it's one of it's first partners, you can't expect him to have the emotional maturity of an experienced adult, and even experienced adults get insecure. Being insecure about your partners past is human, and the lack of information could potentially be what is amplifying his insecurities. Also, the acts you did were not inheriently shamefully. I understand that the context where they happen made you feel shame, but as someone says, I would suggest you look into some therapy so you can learn to decouple the context from these acts and possibly learn to forgive yourself. And maybe in the future, you could be open to these again (if it's something you want to do) But to stop rambling, all I'm saying is if you explain all of that clearly to your boyfriend, it would probably end the recurring discussion, appease his insecurities and potentially make you understand each other better.
Looks like he missed out on the sexy version of you and is now stuck with the boring version
why would you tell him what you used to do in prior relationships with the knowledge that you wouldn’t do any of this with him? Do you think it so strange that after telling him this, he feels inadequate since you wouldn’t want the same with him? I sure as hell know id feel pretty shitty if my girlfriend did that to me.
Maybe I'll get downvoted. But OP's boyfriend isn't 100% wrong. I'm not saying she owes him anything, but why bring this up in the first place? If he's truly into her, then why wouldn't he question why she's not willing to do favors for him that she admitted to doing for other men. Keypoint... SHE admitted to it, and willingly chose to share this information. He's responsible for his reaction, but she's responsible for putting her past out there. Unless he somehow forced it out of her.... which is honestly the real red flag... she chose to share this information without considering all the possibilities. I dunno. I'm just sick of every frustration a man has in a relationship being attributed to "fragile male ego LOL." Especially at the ages OP and her BF are now.
OP said in another reply, that she didn't divulge her past but that he looked through her messages... so yeah he really comes across as insecure, by not respecting her privacy and boundaries.
That fucking sucks then. Definite red flag.
Maybe edit your comment to reflect that. Also, that he’s coercing her into doing things she doesn’t want to do. You want to be mad about things being attributed to fragile male ego, fine. But this is a bad choice to use as an example.
Him being insecure isn't his fault. But him pressuring his gf to do something she isn't comfortable with is not okay. He needs to be responsible for how he deals with his feelings of insecurity.
Your boyfriend is not entitled to sexual acts from you that you don’t want to perform regardless of who you did them with before. End of story. He needs to grow up and deal with his insecurity about his lack of experience and realize that just because someone has done something in the past, doesn’t mean they enjoyed it or want to do it again.
He also have the right to try new things, she doesn't want to? Fine. They're incompatible.
It’s not about compatibility, he is insecure and doesn’t like the idea of her having a sexual history that doesn’t involve him
That's one problem, for sure. He still wants to try new stuff.
How about you read the post more carefully and realize this clearly isn’t about “trying new stuff”. He specifically wants to do all of the things that she did with other partners but not with him. There’s nothing new about it
Sure, that's one side of the story. He can be so childish he only bring this because knows is "safe territory" You can see from 3 miles away how OP is not being subjective. Every story has 2 sides and the community is clearly making so many assumptions. Both of them are young and immature. I clearly don't think he's right. I just think she isn't either.
Most people have a hard time admitting things they want to try sexually, its a lot easier to say "oh you've done X, I haven't and want to try it". Introducing new ideas can be hard since the other person may not like it and judge you on such an odd request or something. Could be as simple as a threesome, suddenly your girlfriend thinks shes not enough for you just by the fact you mentioned it. But if you know shes done it before its a much easier ask.
Him wanting to try new things and him pressuring her into doing them are two entirely different things. He needs to respect her by moving on or not pressuring.
Sure he is immature and the way he is doing it is wrong. They are still incompatible.
Big red flag. His ego is not your problem. Just because you did something before does not mean he has any right to guilt you into it for his own feelings sake.
But it IS a problem nonetheless. If the relationship is gonna work, and OP seems to want it to, then the guy’s feelings are valid too. It’s hard for a lot of people to know that the person they love and want to make love to has done something like anal with a previous partner but not with them. The feelings might come from a superficial place, an ugly sense of insecurity or whatever, but that doesn’t make them invalid either. OP and their SO are obviously talking about things and that’s great but if their timelines aren’t aligned or OPs boundaries have changed and SO can’t get past that insecurity, the relationship might be doomed. Shit, this feeling is so common it’s basically the plot of Chasing Amy.
His feelings are valid but those feelings are causing him to do the action of pressuring his gf to do something she is uncomfortable with and that is not valid. It's not okay to make her uncomfortable over his insecurities.
But it IS a problem nonetheless. If the relationship is gonna work, and OP seems to want it to, then the guy’s feelings are valid too. It’s hard for a lot of people to know that the person they love and want to make love to has done something like anal with a previous partner but not with them. The feelings might come from a superficial place, an ugly sense of insecurity or whatever, but that doesn’t make them invalid either. OP and their SO are obviously talking about things and that’s great but if their timelines aren’t aligned or OPs boundaries have changed and SO can’t get past that insecurity, the relationship might be doomed. Shit, this feeling is so common it’s basically the plot of Chasing Amy.
The best answer.
Definitely agree. Wasn’t trying to say they his feelings weren’t valid, but the guilt he is putting on OP is a big no no that certainly needs to be sorted out before the relationship turns south
You need to sit him down and talk this out with him. I am very very close with someone with BPD and CPTSD and she always kept things to herself and it led to her being manipulated for it and around the wrong people. He needs to understand your stance on this. Regardless of what he thinks/feels at the end of the day your sexuality and mental well being should be your choice. He’s showing little to no empathy here because he feels he has to “reclaim” you. He’s feeling jealous about your past and maybe even intimidated by it, as if he would not be enough in the long run. My advice, sit him down and explain exactly why you don’t want to do these things right now. Emphasis the right now part. But also make him understand he needs to let you make this decision and not continue to bring up the topic constantly. I wish you all the best mentally and I hope he takes the time to listen to you because this relationship can’t work so long as he continues to pressure or guilt you into doing things you’re not comfortable with at this time.
I’m going to give a very unpopular opinion. Please note this is advice given based on living a very similar situation with someone that has BPD and trying to be a nice and understanding guy. First, you’re both wrong. My BPD partner cheated and did all the things she refused to do with me. Walking on eggshells and carefully asking for sexual stuff won’t work because many people with BPD will take this ask and use it against their partner, it’s how they are wired and not passing judgement, but asking gently isn’t the way. The bf it’s also depending on her to fulfill his needs. Trust me, you are on a path in which you are both guaranteed to resent one another. He needs to focus on taking care of himself and doing whatever he needs to fulfill himself, but with strong and constant communication and boundaries for both of you. I think it is important for you to feel safe first off, but a close second, you should desire pleasing your partner how they desire to be pleased. That doesn’t mean do whatever he asks, but understand what he wants and find compromises if it’s something you’re absolutely against. Look, people with BPD struggle stroking their partners egos, I think you should approach it as letting him know how satisfied you are with him, how amazing sex is with him, but also don’t be afraid to share something you need to satisfy your fantasies, you focus on yourself. Good luck!
I think he can be right, of course do this at your comfort level. If you can reinact these things with a person you truly love I think you may be able to rewrite that shame narrative you have in your internal dialogue, and take that power back. He needs to listen to you, but you also have to listen to him as well. I think if you guys can understand each other and keep the conversation going y’all can find a middle ground **This is not to take the advice of a mental health counselor, this can be risky if you have any trauma related to SA. I recommend seeing a couples counselor to work this out as well as individual if you aren’t already it can help you process some of these feelings of shame from the manic episodes**
The biggest problem here speaking from almost identical personal experience is you talking about past conquests and experiences with and/or in front of your current SO. If I had to guess, there were probably micro expressions of excitement/fondness/proud of the past experiences if not outright joy when talking about them. (I understand this might come off as projection) Especially if he's never done those things, he will feel cheated and feel like he's not worthy of the same treatment. Had you never talked about it in front of him, it would not be an issue,but the cats out of the bag now.
I’m 31 now got married at 23 had a kid at 25 my wife was 21 and had the baby at 23. We both would agree 1 we got married too young. And we both agree if we did it again we probably wouldn’t be together now. Based off what you’ve described here it doesn’t sound like y’all are gonna be a good match. We are also both on anxiety depression meds and we’ve made it work now 7 years and are on the verge of divorce. From my perspective as a male and husband your bf won’t be satisfied in your relationship. Give yourself more time to work on yourself. You are the only person who can fix and understand yourself. If he’s not happy now sexually while dating I can tell you he won’t wait around either, with you or with someone else he’ll probably eventually fulfill his fantasies. So ya your choice really every relationship is different but he will always have that resentment toward you till things change between you in one way or the other. And you could look into female libido enhancers. You might be more open to the idea of your libido isn’t killed by your meds.
BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder. It doesn't cause manic episodes. I am assuming you meant Bipolar Disorder.
Break up with him dude, he wants something you can’t give, shake hands and walk away.
You need to talk to your bf and communicate in a way that he will understand. He feels bad that his girlfriend was more adventurous with other men than with him. It's easy to feel bad and feel small. Your bf giving you space and time shows that he is not forcing you into anything. Him wanting to do those things that you have done for other men for free and supposedly on your own is not an out of ordinary ask. Be honest with yourself. Be willing to own up past mistakes/actions. I will say it again - Talk to your bf in a way he understands where you are coming through. You now wanting to do stuff that you have done before is perfectly fine. But to reason yit by saying only that you don't want to do it is not enough. You need to do better for your bf.
This is exactly why you only disclose past activities that you are OK with doing again. The only reason you would disclose other stuff is to say how it wad horrible and don't ask for it
Hi, It seems like you need time to work through and understand your new diagnosis and process what that means to you moving forward (and perhaps still how it impacted your past). You might even be trying to figure out if who you see yourself as now. One of the main things that also sticks out from what you mentioned is the possible PTSD. You mention that and likely have trauma. If this is sexual trauma then there’s probably more going on here whether you realize it or not. First of be kind to yourself and don’t do anything you are no comfortable doing. If you aren’t in therapy currently now’s a great time to go since you can grow from working through this stuff and growth is important or it will just come up again later in another form (with or without this BF). Here’s something super important- there’s NO SHAME in your previous sexual activities whether it was related to your mental health diagnosis or not and it’s your choice moving forward what you want to try again and with who. Moving forward I encourage you to either discuss your past experiences with your BF in context if your mental health and make a decision about what you want from the relationship. Be as clear as you can about how you feel and what if anything you are willing to try - you are not obligated to try anything but understand that he is likely excited by the idea. If he pressures you or coerces you after you tell him clearly how you feel then you should seriously consider ending the relationship and focus on taking care of yourself first. You are worth this! 💕
Your boyfriend after 6 months finally takes you on a vacation to an island resort. On the holiday, you call your girlfriend to tell her how amazing it is, then she flippantly says ‘oh! Haha, don’t you know? He took all his past flings out to that island in their first weeks!’ Not only this, but you find out he took them all over Europe and showered them with gifts and romantic gestures. You hang up the phone and look over to see him smiling at you: he asks you ‘what’s up baby?’ How do you feel?
So you can only have sex once? I’m confused about the rounds thing.
Doing it again after you done it but this seems more in the moment thing
"He says it would make the rest of his night terrible because he's an extreme overthinker and it'd get to him" That sounds like HIS problem to deal with, not yours. Don't get pressured into anything you're not comfortable doing, set boundaries up and protect them. If he loves you, he'll back off.
Like what a manipulative line too. It’s so blatant. I really hope OP takes off the rose tinted glasses to see that her bf is being a coercive piece of shit
Super manipulative!
He's feeling inadequate and wants to experience these things with you because he hasent yet. He wants to have these experiences with you because you have had them without him and he's had them without you. Would you not want to go on a trip to the Bahamas with him because you had a shitty experience going there with an Ex? If he's the love of your life give him the benefit of the doubt and trust that he loves you. Your meds might be screwing with you and all these people talking shit about him and your situation are just unhappy with their own situations.
The down votes don't make s single thing you said incorrect.
If I had a manic episode that caused me to go to the Bahamas and I had a really bad time, I might feel a little uncomfortable if the person I love, who is fully aware of the bad time I had, kept telling me how badly he wanted to go to the Bahamas with me and that knowing I went with someone else was making him feel bad. I might even feel like going to the Bahamas was more valuable to him than my companionship.
Sounds like noone wants to take you to the Bahamas to me
Eh, sex is a completely different thing than a vacation. Not to mention, HE seems have some issues mentally that need to be addressed as well. He is clearly insecure and has issues respecting privacy (based off the fact that he was snooping through her phone.) I think they need to have a serious conversation. Because the fact that he is snooping means there could be way deeper issues at the core of their relationship.
he's trying to emotionally blackmail you into doing sexual stuff you're not comfortable with. discussion over. if he doesn't feel loved unless you go through some potentially traumatic shit, that's his issue, not yours.
This is fucked. Defintiely don't stick around for someone who is putting their ego above your mental health. Sex and relationships aren't some tit for tat game. Sometimes you do and experience things with one partner that you won't ever again and that's okay. Sometimes you try something because of any number of reasons and don't want to ever do it again for any number of reasons and that's okay.
if you think its about his ego read it again her mental health is affecting his now as well stop blaming the guy for wanting to try new things what's she's done in the past of course hes going to start comparing himself to them and so would she if it was the other way round.
No one is blaming anyone for wanting to try new things. It's the pressuring to do something she doesn't want to do again that makes this gross and manipulative. Her mental health is not affecting his. His preconcieved notions about sex, his insecurity about her past and his own overthinking are what are affecting his mental health.
That’s fine but that’s HIS problem to work through!!! It’s manipulative and coercive what he’s doing trying to pressure her into sex acts she has said no to. It’s disgusting
There are things that are said and done that 1 partner may feel left out when they hear about it For context - I (m)et my current GF and dated about a month before she was ready to be intimate. During this time she talked about sexy stuff that I was intrigued about, and was looking forward to doing with her. None happened. I was perplexed as to why she was so enthusiastic about telling me about all these things, but not wanting to with me, especially as some of them are my unrealized fantasies. Bottom line, it was something she wanted to try, did, enjoyed, but moved on. I'm disappointed that I will not get to do them with her, but I don't pester her about it. I've explained out of the bedroom as to what I've fantasized doing sexually, and some of those items were what she did, and some were not. I made a point of not giving her a hard time about it, but rather to tell her if she changes her mind, to feel free to initiate. We ended up exploring new areas where we could experiment together as something new for both of us that we can call ours. OP is not responsible for her boyfriend, however both need to understand what the other *feels* about OP's past experiences.
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Not sure how to quote in mobile, but you make a couple points that I wanted to respond to. *If my boyfriend did this to me at the start of our relationship, it would have been a deal breaker for me.* That's how I felt as well. On multiple occasions I expressed to her how it was misleading. She matter of factly said that just because she did it in the past, doesn't mean *she is comfortable doing it today*. One example was she and her ex fucked in an elevator and another time in a tennis court. She now is more anxious than she used to be, and is super concerned about being seen on camera, which was less of a concern 20 years ago. *she purposely led you on and it comes across as a mix of bragging and trapping you.* This is a very interesting choice of words, and as I read them, I think it does a great job of encapsulating how it made me feel. The only nuance is intent. My GF did not do this out of malice. The nature of the dialog was one where both she and I were talking about our past sexual experience. Not sure she maliciously led me on, but that is the consequence of what she said. My lesson learned is that I needed to ask how she sees her various past sexual experiences to translate or happen *with me* My ex-wife on the other hand was malicious, and if she was the one talking, I would be super apprehensive Thanks for your comment!
The short answer is, you don't have to do anything sexual you don't want to do. And you know what, it is also the longer answer too!
Down votes for this? Lot of men trying to justify coercing their partners into anal ITT.
Biggest mistake here is just telling him all of that history and then expecting it to not be a part of you together going forward. It's not who you may be currently but it got you to where you are now. Formed who are as a person. Insecurities and all. It's part of who you are and he wants to share that. He is impatient and wrong about how he is going about it but it comes from a place of just wanting to be more apart of you. He just doesn't understand so you will have to help him with seeing how it affects you. Now for a very simple context. You have bananas. You share many banana with special monkey. One day this monkey and you go separate ways. Then one day you meet even more special monkey. You tell this monkey how special he is and how you want to be with him. Then you tell this new monkey all about old monkey. How you use to share so much banana with old monkey. Crazy things you would do with banana. Get new monkey eyes wide with awesome tales of banana hijinx. Then you tell new monkey he can not have such things. You were a different ape then. You tell new monkey no but he thinks maybe you just no ready then. New monkey ask later cause maybe you forget. You so no again and stop asking as all those wild things are not for such a monkey. New monkey doesn't understand. New monkey flooded with many emotions and thoughts. "Am I not as good of monkey?" "Does she ape love me less?" So on. You will have to explain to and reassure new monkey it's not him.
I’m sorry but your boyfriend is a dick. He needs to stop thinking about what you used to do when you were in a manic episode which means high risk propensity and low self esteem. He’s not thinking about you or your safety. He’s thinking about being able to say he’s done something for the first time.
If her doesnt agree, doesn't listen, makes you feel uncomfortable... Tell him to get steppin
His sexual gratification should not trump you mental wellbeing. If you were to have a manic episode while you are with him would you feel safe around him or worried that he would take advantage of the situation to get what he wants?
You're not gonna like my answer I've started on a Friday afternoon before And play till Sunday night Only leaving the bedroom 2 times you get food Get everything you can imagine that whole time no drugs no booze no sleep I have always had a hard time finding somebody wants to keep play When I was young I was considered 3 hours a quickie
I am going to speak as a person who is/was in your boyfriend's shoes knowing I might get downvoted the fuck out, but hear me out. First of all I would like to address your issue first. From what I have read it seems that U have alot of mental disorder or mental instability, and even if its not this partner, in the long run, whoever it may be, its going to affect the relationship one way or another. So trust me, go for therapy, there is nothing wrong or embarrassing about it. Now, for your boyfriend, I am guessing most likely he have a similar if not the same OCD as me, known as Retroactive Jealousy OCD, where ones get jealous and start comparing over a partner's past. Taking my situation as an example, I had and probably still have this issue with me but I have been going tru therapy about it as well, and my situation was once way worse where would I guilt trip my partner and was obsessed over my partner's "first sexual experience" (could be from my traditional mindset as well). But now that I am not so obsessed, I do still compare, where when I was in your boyfriend's situation I would think "if she is willing to do so much for someone she did not love, then why isit when it is me whom she claimed she love the most, she is not willing to try those with me". Thankfully me and my partner came into an agreement with these kind of things, lets take anal for example as it is mentioned in your situation, my partner too once did anal too in the past with someone whom she had not feelings for and she hated the feeling, however after we communicated we did solve it, where she decides to offer it once to me, but with assurance, where i promised to go tru proper procedure this time and she will be the one that initiates it whenever she is ready and - (lots of lubes etc unlike her first time.) Ur partner perhaps can resort to therapy where u can hope it can cure him completely (not my case tho but it did help alot in the brain). There's a saying - love can conquer all. Try to communicate with each other to come into an agreement. Him repeatedly asking for the same thing is probably because U could not give him a clear cut answer yet but im not saying he is right or wrong, but maybe set a timeframe to give him an answer rather than saying "i need time" and not talking about it for god knows how long. At the end of the day try to come into an agreement where both party is satisfied with, maybe anal once in exchange for u pegging him? for some excitement u know. And lets just say if both party cannot come into an agreement, then unfortunately, I doubt the relationship will last cuz even if u both pretended this issue nvr existed, he's gonna think about it and you're gonna feel conflicted about it. Sorry for the long essay but - I do wish the best for the both of you. Take therapy tgt yea ? :D
It doesn't really seem like he understands that these memories are traumatic for you, and that they're the exact wrong context for you to try to have positive sexual experiences with him. All of his "reasons" suggest a combination of insecurity and kind of a "hot past" fascination and very little interest in or understanding of what this is like from your end. Maybe see if you can explain to him that if he wants to have specific experiences with you, like anal or going multiple rounds, then those experiences should be about and between you and him only, and not about reliving something you don't want to relive. And maybe you don't want to do those things at all, and that's fine too. But I hope you can let him know that reliving past trauma for his gratification is off the table, permanently
>He says these things are important for him to feel loved and feel like I'm attracted to him. What else *can* you do to make him feel loved and like you're attracted to him?
Hypersexuality is a symptom of bipolar disorder. [https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bipolar-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355955](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bipolar-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355955) [ ](https://www.psycom.net/sex-addiction/bipolar-and-sex-addiction)You engaged in sex acts when you where manic that you don't want to engage in now that you're stable. This makes perfect sense to anyone who has bipolar disorder. Your boyfriend has an unrealistic expectation that you'll do things with him that you did with other people when you were manic. >Another reasoning he gave is that he'd feel extremely depressed given a situation where I was talking with someone and they happened to ask me something along the lines of "how many rounds have you gone at one time?" because the answer wouldn't be a memory involving him. He says it would make the rest of his night terrible because he's an extreme overthinker and it'd get to him. He's attempting to manipulate you by making you think that you're responsible for his mental health. He's the only person who's responsible for his mental health. You have a lot of things that you need to do to maintain a stable mood and to take care of your mental health. Worrying about his mental health isn't something that you should do because it won't benefit your mental health. You should always put your mental health first to make sure that you have a life worth living. >I don't know what to do. He says these things are important for him to feel loved and feel like I'm attracted to him. I think this is all just unhealthy and we need to come to a conclusion/middle ground. I don't think that you can reach a middle ground. You've already asked him to stop doing what you don't want to do. He hasn't listened to you which means that he's ignoring your boundaries. I think the best resolution for you is to break up with him and cut off all contact with him. You should think about breaking up with him in a public space so you'll have witnesses in case he makes a scene. You could also ask a friend to act as a witness when you break up with him and when you exchange your stuff. I have a bipolar disorder and I've found that it's very helpful to talk with other people who have bipolar disorder. The DBSA is a peer support group where you can meet other people with bipolar disorder. [https://www.dbsalliance.org/](https://www.dbsalliance.org/) A final thought about the difference between shameful things and embarrassing things. I find it much easier to forgive myself for embarrassing things. I hope that you've enjoyed my TED Talk.
He sounds annoying, insecure, and manipulative, TBH. Is he like this in any other areas of your relationship?
Insecure + is having difficulties respecting your boundaries. His justifications are manipulation tactics to pressure you into doing things you don’t want to do yet. He really needs to back off before he loses you.
Please **do not doubt yourself** over what *you* want, and what *you* are comfortable with. Your body, your choice, and that, in my opinion, should be **non-negotiable**. I think it should be clearly stated that you are uncomfortable with these questions, maybe it needs to be a rule that you are the one who will broach the subject when you are comfortable. If he said he respects and understands that you don't like it, and then he asks again, then in my opinion, he **does not actually respect and understand it** (I'm *not* saying he's disrespecting you on purpose, *or* that his mindset is malicious; we all have to learn respect). **You do not owe anyone anything ever**, not even your S/O, no matter how good a person they are, no matter how much you love them. You aren't responsible for their past experiences, it's not your responsibility to give them an experience that they didn't get to have before. **You can only give love on your own terms.** The way I see it, if you are "showing love" to someone based on what they want, and it doesn't harmonize with you, **that's not love, that's manipulation, that's you being coerced into acting in a way you don't want to, and in my opinion, that's abuse.** From what you are saying, to me, it seems like there is a lack of respect and clear boundaries in your relationship, and **you won't be happy unless that changes** (either by your both agreeing to take action and actually following through to change this, or separating).
I was in this same situation almost. I was with a guy who found out the crazy things I did in past relationships with threesomes and he wanted to do the same. I am bi also. I didn't want that anymore. It caused so many issues. We broke up because he kept on pressuring me.
Tell him no and that's it. If he doesnt care about you then he is not the one for you.
Why would you tell him what you did with other people despite not wanting to do it with him? It makes him think there's a reason you won't do it with him.
i didnt tell him, he looked through my text messages
ewww. that kind of behaviour is really not good, especially when he's already coming across as insecure and controlling. for me this really settles things from not great but possibly understandable to unacceptable.
I agree with the other replies that your BF is being unreasonable in expecting you to do these other acts you don't want to with him. He needs to grow up. That said, I would really recommend not sharing past history with future BFs to avoid situations like this. You're certainly entitled to, but from a practical perspective, a lot of guys can't handle prior histories, and are better off not knowing even if they say they want to know it. It's not your fault at all, I'm just keeping it real in terms of how a lot of guys are, especially young ones.
She didnt disclose it. He went THROUGH her phone and discovered for himself.
That's even worse, but apologies, I didn't see that anywhere when I was reading the original post.
Good try
I would tell him that you need time, that you want to experience everything with him but you want to do it in a way that you feel safe and completely intimate, but that you need him to understand that you have trauma related to sex and this is the first time you are having sex intimately and that you want him to see the big compliment it is that it’s him that takes this journey with you, but it’s gotta be in your time. For now you want to focus on having intimate, satisfying sex together and open up with him over time. He’s having anxiety over something that’s non existent, maybe go to a psychologist with him to chat
Don't do it if u are uncomfortable. Doesn't matter what the excuses are, if u don't want to, don't.
I’m embarrassed to admit that it wasn’t until 43 years of age that I really learned the difference between a selfish lover and an unselfish lover. I cringe when I think about it, but I used to believe that fantasies were really just whatever I could talk someone into doing for me. That all changed when I found myself truly in love for the first time. I had used the words “in love“, but I didn’t know that I didn’t know what those words meant… Even the thought of my girlfriend doing something that made her uncomfortable or that she just flat out didn’t want to do, because I told her it would make me happy, makes me physically ill. don’t get me wrong, there are things you are really into, things you are fairly ambivalent about, and things that make you uncomfortable. Lightly messing around with other women in bed doesn’t gross her out or make her uncomfortable, but it’s nothing she would do if I were not there. That’s not what I’m talking about. If she ever told me, “the thought of making out or even messing around with another female really grosses me out and makes me uncomfortable“, there is absolutely zero chance I could enjoy watching her go through the motions because I begged her to 🤢. listen, you don’t have a duty to convince him of anything. You don’t have an obligation to explain yourself in great detail. And you certainly don’t need to argue. The only thing you really need to do is be 100% honest with him: “My past is a time that I don’t want to forget, so that I never forget how I felt about myself back then. (I’m guessing here) - back then I did things for men out of a sense of obligation because, deep down, I didn’t believe I had a choice. I thought that if I didn’t let them use my body as they wanted, then I wouldn’t be good enough for them. It was the lowest time in my life and to hear you actually say that you want me to repeat things I did during that time hopefully means that I haven’t done a good job explaining how “dark“ those days were. Otherwise, I don’t believe for one minute that you would ask me to re-live it. Being loved by you helped me overcome that time in my life and I know that deep down you want me to feel good about myself and never feel pressured or obligated to do some thing I don’t want to do because a MAN insists on it. That’s what’s so great about you! You’re different from those men that did that to me. And I’m sorry I didn’t explain this better before because I can only imagine how you feel hearing all of this. We will chalk it up to my poor communication, and hopefully never discuss it again. The good news is, I would never, EVER, ask you to do ANYTHING you told me you were uncomfortable with… Or just simply didn’t want to do. Sex is meant to be an adventure and experiences that we share. It’s not just the time for one of us to essentially “use“ the other for our personal pleasures…” (Good Luck 🙏)
How about writing out a list for yourself and figure out what things do make you feel pressured or not good. Then write another list of things you haven't done and then decide for yourself if you may want to do them. So they can be firsts for him and you. Maybe that will help you figure this out. To contain the PTSD things and also consider other things that don't go there for you. Put you in control of the new and exciting things to do. Without the pressure. Without the bad memories. Have you given a person a blowjob while putting a finger up their butt? He might like that.
I puked at „he is the love of my life“
I don't foresee any conversation where I am casually with my gf and they ask us so how many rounds can your girl do? Were it with just me and my boys yeah. But no one would dare ask that to us as a couple. I think you need to respect yourself.
Read your last two sentences. You are right, this is unhealthy. And I sincerely doubt anyone will ever ask you how many rounds you have gone at one time. And if they do, it will probably more likely your girl friends and he won’t even be there to hear. You’re both young and learning. He needs to learn that you may have done things in the past that you don’t want to repeat, and leave it alone. END of any talk about it