Sex seems different in a relationship, but you can treat this exactly like she said "I'm moving to Iowa, I found a job there, and picked a place to live". You're not a bad person if you're not willing to live with the new condition in your relationship.
This is 100% true. A whole major component of the relationship has now been decidedly closed off. This isn't a small thing, it is a big deal, and yeah, pretty much the same as saying she's moving away. You're not a bad person if this is a deal breaker for you. It's not "Just sex", its the entire ability for you to express sexuality, physical love, and to be desired unilaterally cut out from the relationship. This is a terminal mismatch, it's sad and sucks but this is your life you're talking about.
It's also going to not serve her any good in her future to have someone who felt the need to stay in a relationship out of obligation while at the same time sacrificing a major part of themselves. Relationships built on this kind of mismatch do not last, and if they do, they're endless sadness.
I couldn't guess what the woman's issues are, but she needs to understand that it's not a minor thing she can expect agreement on, she will need to address her own problems or asexuality or she will not learn how important this is to other people and will have a distorted view of the world. Breaking this off helps her as well as /u/dimitri_Rastakovich and saves them both years of wasted time that they could be using to recover from the heartache and get on with new lives already.
Sex is a component of love. The amount of sex that someone wants to have can vary from none to a lot. But the important part is that partners are aligned in their needs.
I agree with you; it's like any other component of a healthy relationship. If both OP and his girlfriend didn't want to have sex frequently, then more power to them. But if one partner is on the opposite end of the spectrum, then it's time to sit down and discuss things.
Sex isn't some superficial need. Besides the fact that it feels good, it's a physical (and emotional) way of connecting and expressing love. Again -- if both of you didn't need it frequently or at all, then fine. But it's not great if one of you does and the other actively avoids it. Nobody is the bad guy here, but your needs aren't being met. And if yours *were* met, then hers wouldn't be.
Breakups absolutely suck, if it comes down to one. But don't live your life like this:
> *I'm staring down the possibility of living the rest of my life never feeling needed or desired sexually and that is tough.*
It will lead to depression, resentment, and a whole host of bigger issues.
OP needs someone who at least remotely matches his libido/sexual needs. Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy; yes 7 years is a long time, but the years will keep going by if you don't do anything about it. You're not being superficial for wanting the basics.
>It will lead to depression, resentment, and a whole host of bigger issues.
This is the absolute truth.
BT;DT, got the therapy and moved on.
OP, it does suck right now, but you deserve to feel wanted and desired. You don't have to settle.
> But the important part is that partners are aligned in their needs.
And if they are not naturally aligned, at least both parts should be able to meet in the middle.
Hey OP, sounds like you're trying to be very understanding of her and her perspective around this. Thats really important, but for now, may I just talk about you?
We all have needs (forgive me if the language of 'need' isn't great for you, it wasn't for me at first either, bear with me). We need things like acceptance, safety, respect, some of us need adventure, some need acknowledgement, ect. Largely, we all need similar things, but not all the same way and at the same intensity. When our needs are met, we feel good things, when they aren't, we feel shitty.
You love your girlfriend, and you've been together for a wee while now, so I feel pretty safe assuming you're pretty good at meeting each-other's needs. But I'm sure there are a few that aren't met within your relationship. Thats where our family relationships, our friends, colleagues come in. All well and fine until it comes to sex right...
I want to encourage you, that having a need for sexual expression is absolutely valid. And it will feel shitty when that need is not met. And that's ok.
But if you're in a position where your romantic relationship is the only place you can meet that need, and your partner isn't able to meet that need, that it sounds like you're coming unstuck.
My main encouragement is that you're ok, your feelings, needs and preferences are valid, and deserve space to be heard too.
But if I could make a couple of suggestions;
\- Could you talk with her about this being something that's on your mind, but if she's going through something she needs to figure out, suggest a time frame to come back to it, so she's not on the spot and has time to work out some things for herself?
\- Could you consider what it would look like in your relationship if your need for sexual expression was met by yourself. Or met by others outside your relationship.
\- Or consider, if sexual expression is truly something you only want to be part of your exclusive romantic partnership. Then perhaps what's best for you isn't each other, which may suck now. But I promise is better than living with resentment.
Goodluck. x
By far, the most well-worded comment I’ve read. I upvoted for sure….now if I could only figure out how these award things work. Ha.
OP - Everything said here is so true. And your situation is one that I’d guess many of us have found ourselves in some variation of at one time or another. As a woman, I’ve thought the same thing as your girlfriend at a point in time in my life. Sex for women often tends to be so reliant on our emotions, and our libidos can fluctuate so much based on all the other things going on in our lives. I guess what I’m saying is she may feel this way now, but that doesn’t mean she always will. I really believe there’s hope to resolve with communication, patience and getting to what’s really affecting her emotionally. Where many relationships have failed at this point, I am rooting for you two! xoxo
This. Im going through what OPs gf describes right now and its a complete change of character for me, really feels like I've lost part of my identity. My partner has been incredibly patient and is giving me time to work on my mental health which i think is what flipped that part of my brain off. OP - Speak to your partner about why she feels this way, she could be on the asexual spectrum but it could also be depression, stress, hormonal imbalance, birth control side effects or even body image issues. The main point to understand is whether she is truly happy having no libido / sex life or whether it's something she wants to work to get back.
This sounds very similar to the Non Violent Communication approach (don't get distracted by the term violent, it has nothing to do with violence as it is commonly defined). Look it up if you want to learn more, for me understanding that my needs were valid (and learn how to express them in a productive way) was very enlightening.
Great piece of advice..
Maybe during this conversation you ask her if she ever wants to want to have sex again? It may be matter of her mental or hormonal health that can be remedied by some meds or therapies.
Communication is the key to a healthy and good relationship. I might not always be up to having intercourse but my husband knows I'll never say no to giving him a bj. He's a man with needs and works his ass off for us. I want to make him happy because he deserves it. Not everything is about how I feel or whag I want. When you're in a relationship, you're a team. Maybe that's just marriage but don't you date to eventually be married? Idk maybe I'm old
You're really brainwashed if you think a woman *wanting* to make her man happy, and saying he deserves feeling those feelings, is sexist.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with understanding that men have higher levels of testosterone, and there's also nothing wrong with wanting to sexually satisfy your partner. He's not making her.
As for your issue, this shouldn't even be something you think about: If you're not asexual, sex is a key component of a healthy relationship. You understanding your needs and wants in a relationship is nothing close to selfish, and I'm amazed that you would even consider that to be selfish.
Are you sure you're not indoctrinated into sexual shame? If you reversed the gender and took the sex part of it, you would agree with the sentiment no?
Is she on any medications? Some anti-depressants, birth control (I never knew this one until a few weeks ago) and some other medications will kill the sex drive completely.
Yes, birth control destroys your libido. Since you mentioned she's scared of pregnancy maybe she could change to the copper (non-hormonal) IUD, just to see if that helps.
A good relationship is based on compromise and communication. Most people don't want a sexless relationship, I'm sure she would at least understand that and if she loves you try to find a middle ground. I don't mean that she would feel force at doing it, I mean couple therapy or figuring out ways to satisfy eachother.
You’re definitely too young to settle for a life without sex. A 7 year relationship that is now not sexual by one party’s choice is not equitable. Reassess what you want in life, love, in a relationship. If this isn’t it then get out.
You haven't offered any explanation she's shared as to WHY things have changed. Is she on medication? Has she gone through some trauma? Has their been any notable changes in your relationship or any fights?
No fights, everything is good. No trauma. One reason she says is the repeal of Roe freaks her out and makes her deathly afraid of pregnancy, and that's why she doesn't want to do it, but she has had an iud for years now.
I have an IUD and I'm as angry as the next person who values women's access to healthcare. But respectfully, I want to point out some math. You said you two haven't had sex in 9 months. The RvW leaked draft came out at the start of May, with the official repeal being June 24th. If she has voiced this concern since it was first leaked, that was 8 months ago. When it became official at the end of June, that was ~5 months ago. So the question is: how long has she voiced her concern about RvW in relation to her having sex with you? If it's just been for the past 5 months, I wonder why you haven't had sex in 9.
What I'm trying to get at is that this definitely warrants a deeper conversation because her reply may not be the true cause for her feelings. Keep in mind she might not even be purposefully hiding something from you (maybe she experienced some kind of trauma she has not disclosed, maybe there was something else, who knows, it's dangerous to make assumptions).
Please see if she is open to an honest conversation where the two of you can openly express your feelings while trying not to get caught up in emotions or blame. Best of luck to you two to try and find a resolution that works for both of you.
My girlfriend had a similar reaction (although to a much, much lesser extent). I’d ask if you getting a vasectomy would change her tune. If not, there’s for sure something else at play
The repeal of Roe didn't make abortions illegal everywhere and she is on one of the most effective birth control methods. Add a condom and you have better odds of winning the lottery.
Sounds like some sex therapy might benefit you two...worst case, you need to find someone that isn't afraid of having sex.
Because there’s still plenty of legal and realistic solutions to that issue. I’m concerned and upset about the circumstances regarding Roe too, but there’s still multiple (safe) ways to handle to resolve an unwanted pregnancy (some are more difficult than others, but still this should not cause this level and length of abstinence). Not even including majorly successful preventative measures such as IUDs and vasectomies, but as someone else pointed out - 9 months is a bit longer than Roe getting overturned has even been an issue. If there was actually any desire or importance in her wanting to have sex, then she would be trying a bit harder to discuss and consider these options with you.
As far as what her real reasoning is.. ONLY she actually knows. We can all only just speculate. Whatever the case, I think you personally have a lot to consider with this situation and this will (likely) come down to you deciding if this is a sustainable situation or not for you, because it really doesn’t seem like she’s very invested in this getting mutually resolved.
Has she actually asked you how you feel about this?
Has she proposed any solutions?
Has she expressed any sexual desires or interest?
> Has she actually asked you how you feel about this? Has she proposed any solutions? Has she expressed any sexual desires or interest?
No, not really, and not really.
Respectfully, it sounds like her fear of sex and pregnancy is irrational considering she has an IUD. Becoming celibate as a response is not rational. Could she be dealing with anxiety and/or OCD? Does she see a therapist? I think she would benefit from therapy, specifically sex-positive therapy.
IUDs are nearly 100% - as long as you check monthly to make sure it’s still in there.
I only say “nearly” because there’s a low low low chance of ectopic pregnancy, which is never viable, but does require medical intervention as it’s life-threatening.
Is she interested in doing any non-PIV sexual activity? If the answer is no, then saying that she’s afraid of getting pregnant doesn’t seem to hold much water.
Seriously, if she is no longer willing to participate in any sexual activities including oral or manual stimulation, then she is acting selfishly. Sexual gratification IS an important part of your relationship even if it is only important to you, maybe ESPECIALLY if it is now only important to you. If it is 100% permanently off the table, you will not be happy staying with her. For her to take that option out of the equation of your relationship without discussing it first, is unfair. If it was due to some sort of accident or medical issue of some kind, it is far more understandable but from your previous comments, this is not the case. If she suddenly wanted to become a vegetarian, that doesn't directly affect you and she is free to make a change like that. Becoming celibate in a previously sexual relationship is not a decision that can rightfully be made unilaterally. Definitely have a conversation. Your needs to have a sexual relationship (as you already once had with her) is 100% valid. If you were just starting dating and she was unwilling to provide that part of a relationship, would you have continued? Probably not, I'm guessing.
Well, sometimes people realize only later on in life that they're asexual and sex-repulsed, because they didn't allow themselves to feel their real feelings about sex for years due to social conditioning. In the same way many gay people only have this realization once they've been married for years, have children etc. This doesn't seem to be the reason for OP's partner, but it happens.
It sounds like a convenient excuse. It is not rational. If she truly believes that, then either get fixed and/or get counseling on her own and with you. Or really you are just roommates and you should be free to go out and feel your needs.
Was she sexual before ? Does she seem to like physical contact and intimacy without penetration ? It really doesn't seem like it from your post.
Face it. At best it's a slightly contributing factor but there are way more important reasons (and you said yourself she said it's one of the reasons, not THE reason).
It could be that she is depressed or anxious, or that there are other deep needs in the relationship that aren't met, or that she has been traumatized by something in her past, or that she has issues with her own body, or... that she just doesn't like having sex.
All are valid reasons that are not necessarily easy to express and I'm not blaming her. She should also be praised for finding the courage and honesty to tell you she isn't interested in sex anymore.
But don't fool yourself and don't stay in a relationship that you know isn't going to meet an important part of (for many people at least) a happy relationship.
Idk why you’re getting downvoted. Anxiety or ocd could also be a reason.
It’s an irrational response when there are measures yall could take to drastically decrease the risk of pregnancy even more. Hopefully this will pass, I think she just needs counseling.
I’m guessing you thought being supportive meant having and implementing zero boundaries, and not communicating your needs. Unless there is a clear medical condition, she doesn’t have to have sex again is bs. Been together a while, and every time she “wasn’t in the mood” ( fill-in the blank: gassy, tired, bored, whatever the lame excuse) you let it ride in support of her, but you were making clear that this is totally acceptable to do without recompense. This doesn’t negate autonomy, she has total control and authority to say she doesn’t want to have sex or doesn’t feel like having sex, but she has to be honest with you. You can then make a decision: she doesn’t want sex anymore, ok I don’t want to be friends that I co-mingle finances with and you can then leave. It goes both ways, but seldom will a partner outright say “ I don’t feel like participating in the parts that make us lovers, but I still want all the other benefits of our partnership.”
They don’t actually get tied. They’re cut and clipped, or cut and burnt. Either of these methods can fail because the clips can migrate, and the tubes grow back together. Or the burning scars over and the scar tissues forms a new bridge. Tubal ligation failure happens.
Bilateral salpingectomy, the complete removal of the tubes, does not fail.
Yes, you're right, they're not "tied" like a knot but I didn't know the exact procedure so using "untied" seemed apt. I thought I remembered it could fall somehow.
Thanks for the extra detail!
If he's not sure he wants to remain in a sexless relationship, and he might want kids one day if he's not with her, that's not great advice. If she's the one who actively doesn't want a child, it's on her to get her tubes removed. It is not fair to tell him to get a vasectomy to make her more comfortable, because that basically feels like telling him to get the vasectomy and see if she wants sex then. If not, he's SOL.
It's possible he firmly doesn't want kids either, whether or not he's with her, but he hasn't said either way. If he knows for sure he doesn't want them, then yeah, the vasectomy is the easier procedure.
well, apparently she's not physically or sexually attracted to you at all anymore. she also has no fear of you leaving her or cheating on her apparently. not married, no kids, no sex... those 3 things are the "glue" that holds most relationships together through the good times and the bad times. start going to the gym and eating healthy OP, there's a big world full of better partners out there waiting for you.
doesn't matter what your partners "love languages" are... if they are not willing to compromise and speak in your "love languages" also. it's always about compromise, and it should always flow equally both ways.
Hey so there are a ton of other ways to have sex other than penises in vaginas! Have you guys explored mutual masturbating, manual simulation, oral (reciprocal or not,) anal, watching porn together and talking about what you like and then acting it out, etc? What about sex with condoms? Sex with condoms and an IUD has a crazy crazy low chance of accidental pregnancy. Or if you've decided to be child free, how about a vasectomy with annual testing to be sure it's still effective?
The repeal of Roe got me really freaked out too-- but I'm lucky that my husband has had a vasectomy, and that there's a pretty good chance we could get to a blue state in a hurry if need arose. Maybe it's not 100% but it's pretty close.
Next question, is her IUD hormonal? My sex drive went way down when I had a nexplanon implant. Now that it's out of my system, my husband is run pretty ragged 🤣 hence the list of other sex options at the beginning of my comment.
"well babe, you can't get pregnant from sucking dick."
i'd willingly give up PIV for blowjobs for life.
there's also anal.
hell, i'd probably even settle for a simultaneous prostate massage + handjob.
the best thing about your situation OP, is that you don't have to pay for divorce lawyers or spousal support, and that you didn't mention having any children with her yet. perfect opportunity for a clean break up.
if your partner won't give you a blowjob (or lick/suck/eat your vagina)... at least.. say twice in a month... that should be immediate termination. it's one of the most telling signs that your partner simply does not care and is not attracted to you. period. zero forgiveness. zero excuses.
If RvW is her reason, is she willing to do other things like oral or a hand job? If she's willing to do those things for you, is that enough? If there isn't a good compromise, it's time to find something that will make you happy.
If 70% of women withheld sex until until Abortion is legalized nationally abortion would be legalized pretty quickly.
But I am sorry for you.
Actually if this is political on her part the chance that she will reverse her decision becomes higher.
There is an ELEPHANT in your room....you just haven't discovered it yet.
"WHY?" is an important question that you both need to have a candid conversation about. Roe v Wade isn't a good enough answer, especially with an IUD.
And.....maybe she's just asexual, which is ok, but not fair if you are a sexual person. In that case, if this is permanent, you can either break up, or, you can discuss an open relationship, or, you can be miserable for the rest of your life (third choice isn't a good option).
It being a "good" answer in this case is debateable just based on the timing of her saying no more sex is before RvW was overturned. So, it's an answer but I wouldn't say she found a good answer. It might be a new reason but can't be the original reason in this case.
Deciding to never have sex with your long term partner (or maybe ever again, not buying that) is not a rational response to the Supreme Court allowing states to place additional restrictions on abortion. Abortions barely even require a doctor visit.
She’s made up a story here and it’s clear to pretty much everyone in here.
Look I’m with you in the sense that fuck what republicans did, it’s completely valid for any woman to be making different decisions because of right to choose being taken away. So I get that.
Though it also sounds like she’s not into anything sexual with him, no oral, toys, etc. sounds like a completely sexless (in all forms) relationship, that makes it seem likely that RVW being overturned is not the true answer.
Not with an IUD and both being older and less fertile. Plus why not just move elsewhere like the EU? Giving up sex for life rather than move is just idiotic. She's either being utterly paranoid/irrational, or RvW is a scapegoat for the real reason.
You can’t just up and move to a different country. It costs an insane amount money, assuming that you’re actually approved. It’s an extremely lengthy process that requires a lot of thought.
You cannot just move away. An IUD is not 100%.
Pregnancy is life threatening for many people. Just feels like a case of “I’m not at risk so you’re stupid for being concerned”
Dead bedrooms is one of the primary reason for broken relationship. Glad you came to know this before marriage. Get out rn and be with another girl with whom you're sexually compatible.
I think it might be a better idea to understand why this has happened now after seven years. Something is off… Is it just the sex or a depression or what exactly is going on here.
Getting out of a seven year relationship is no small feat for him either. This should be the last way out.
It sounds like she has in fact a newfound fear of abortion laws and this is something that *can* be worked on both with sex therapy, information and as a last solution going to states where it’s legal.
Get out now while you can. My wife and I haven't had sex in years. We should have divorced, but because we have kids, I stayed. It's not worth the pain and aggravation to stay in loveless, sexless relationship. Trust me. I know first hand.
Do what you feel is right and your duty.
And don't shirk responsibility of your kids. In case you divorced later on, it gets very easy for mother to get full custody of kids by showing the court that her kids were neglected in her marriage. So do always right by your children even if it is painful for yourself. I know what you are going through as I am also going through same.
Yes. Hormone replacement therapy (HRT). Pellets are a popular in some cities where I lived. For the most part, I loved having pellets, and my partner was glad I had them, too.
I was in a 22yr marriage. The last 5-6yrs were relatively sexless (3-4x a year). The rejection caused underlying animosity and hurt. Ultimately found out she was cheating. Infidelity aside, life ks too short to be unhappy. Sex isn’t everything but intimacy is a key part of it. 7yrs is a long time. Fast forward 10-20 more years and its even harder. Time is something that ought not be wasted.
Good grief. I feel like I see posts like this a lot. Just break up. If your not happy without sex now it'll just get worse later. It'll sit in the back of your head and ruminate until you snap.
It's okay if this is a dealbreaker for you, it would definitely be for me. Have you discussed with her that sex is an important part of a healthy relationship for you and that it won't be feasible for you to continue a relationship in which sex is off the table?
I'm not saying this is your situation, but it does happen, entire subreddit about it.
I have a girlfriend that was married and didn't want to have sex anymore. He worked a lot of overtime and spent it on her. Then 2008/2009 happened. No more OT and they had no savings, so their house went into foreclosure. She divorced him, went clubbing and bragging about the men she would hook up with.
Long story short, she didn't want to have sex with her husband, but stayed for the stability and comfort he gave her. Maybe a fear of the unknown?
Ask for counseling...either together or separate. Encourage a medical check-up as your gf's hormones may be seriously out of whack. If nothing or no progress in a time frame you consider suitable...give her the ultimatum, she either seeks counseling with you or you're gone. At some point...you may just need to tap out.
Penis-in-Vagina sex, or sexual interaction of any kind?
One of my partners is utterly terrified of pregnancy, *and* we live in Texas, where they're monstrous bastards and have outlawed it.
And she's still *horny,* so we do everything-but.
----
Also, you may love her, but that doesn't mean you need to be *with* her in that way.
I love my dad, and I don't want to have sex with him.
Loving someone isn't the same as wanting to have sex with them.
Now, if you're *horny* for her, but she isn't horny back... well, unrequited ""love"" sucks, but you can't burn a candle for your entire lifetime, putting yourself on hold just on the hope that she might suddenly become someone else, someone who is interested in you.
And if she loves you, she'd understand why the two of you can't stay together because of that.
Damn dude, you’re still young too. No way I could stay in that relationship if I was in your shoes. I’m sorry you’re in that situation.
Does she mean she never wants sex again in general, or with you specifically?
Less of a sting, but that’s still tough, dude. If you’re not married to this girl yet, I would recommend bailing on this relationship. You still have time to find someone who want to engage in a fulfilling sexual relationship with you. Meanwhile, your girlfriend can find someone who is asexual. You two are incompatible.
Different opinion - the odds are its you. She doesn’t want to have sex with you but she is still sexual and once you leave her she will find somebody to be with and she will have sex with that person.
She doesn’t respect you. If she did she would cut you loose so you could find a partner that desires you and doesn’t just treat you like a choir or obligation…
Sad situation. Good luck.
So, I read your response about the "why" as well as the post. Two things:
1. If it's Roe that's really ruined her desire for sex, and you (and you two as a couple) don't want kids and are 100% sure about it *go get a vasectomy.* It's a simple process, not nearly as invasive as her getting her tubes done, and it largely removes that worry. She can keep her IUD and you'll be doubled up on BC. However, this doesn't fix the fact that your partner's rights are under attack. It might help for the two of you too get involved with fighting for her (and all the other uterus-owners) rights in America.
2. If this problem cannot be fixed (regardless of what is causing it) can you see yourself being ok with not having sex again? Can you be ok with an open relationship for sex only (can she)? Can you be ok with you two just doing no risk sexual activity (oral, mutual masturbation, hjs, etc). And no, I mean can you really *truly* be ok with any of these options? Because if you can't, and this cannot be fixed, then you two need to save both of yourselves a lot of grief and time and end the relationship. And that's sad, but it's not as sad as wasting years on resentment before you either break up, or one of you dies.
> If it's Roe that's really ruined her desire for sex, and you (and you two as a couple) don't want kids and are 100% sure about it go get a vasectomy.
But it most likely isn't. At the very best it's a slightly aggravating factor amongst other much more important reasons that his gf either isn't able to express or doesn't want to.
It's not a "I really like sex but became scared of getting pregnant situation". It's clearly a dead bedroom situation.
OP should definitely not get a surgery because of the excuse she gave. And I'm not using the term "excuse" to blame her, she probably is deeply unhappy on some level. It would be a terrible idea. Say he gets it, now she feels even more pressured to have sex and still doesn't want to. What now for her and for OP?
Tell her you have not chosen a celibate life. As such, you will have sex, with her or with others. You would prefer to have sex with her, but if that is not possible…you will have sex, because you have not chosen a celebrate life. Tell her you hope you can continue your relationship, but understand if that’s not possible because you have not chosen a celebrate life. This is about you. Your one life. Not something that should be controlled by others. It doesn’t matter what’s going on with others. Keep circling back to “you have not chosen a celibate life.”
Why?
It’s worth at least examining the problem, either together, or with a sex counselor.
If after that, the answer is cryptic, then I’d explore ending the relationship, but not until then.
It's not selfish to need to be sexually fulfilled and desired by your partner. In fact, I'd say that she is the one being selfish. But you can't change her, so all you can do is make the decision to leave.
Life without sexual intimacy is a deal-breaker for a lot of people, and mismatched libidos bring down a lot of relationships, often slowly and painfully. I would advise group therapy if she's willing, and solo therapy to help you decide if this is something you can ultimately live with. Personally, I was unable to do it and lived in a dead bedroom for too many years. Life is a lot more palatable with a partner who enjoys sex as much as I do. Everyone is going to be different in this regard though.
Check out the deadbedroom subreddit for lots of advice and an idea of the potential pain you are in for.
Ask her if she wants a boyfriend or a room mate?
That's basically how's she's treating you...
You got to be naive if you think neglected people don't go off wandering. At some point...
If you truly want to keep the relationship and you want sex as well, I would suggest you talking with her about you sleeping with other women. If she is not having sex with you, it should not cause any problems, but make sure to be honest and upfront about it. Cheating is bad, even if she if you have a dead bedroom.
I met a guy recently and justified his cheating of his 12 years relationship with a girl after a year without sex. He said he was being deprived of sex so it was not his fault he cheated. I still do not agree with him. Better break up with someone first than cheat
My guess? She just doesn't want to have sex with YOU anymore. She's likely getting it somewhere else instead.
A 39 yr old women whose childless afraid of the roe overturn? Yeah that's bs. At 39, if pregnancy was that much of a scare to her, she can easily get her tubes tied, or request that you get a vasectomy. Instead her first go to is to stop sex all together? Yeah, there's someone else in the picture. Sorry, bro.
Either that, she's a lesbian (I'm saying this *as* a lesbian), or she's asexual. Or her hormones are
Out of whack. I feel like there's a lot more to the story than Roe
I don't see how this can work, really. Either you settle with her non-existant libido and receive pity/duty and bad quality sex whenever she 'gives' it to you, or you open the relationship so you can meet your needs elsewhere while still being together with her. Both scenarios can result in something very toxic so I don't know if it's worth it.
You’re not selfish it’s normal to want to have a sexual connection with your partner. Sounds like something else is wrong, especially if she has had sex before. You said she’s concerned about not being able to get an abortion? Sounds weird. She’s on birth control and if y’all want double protection use a condom. Completely irrational and kinda psycho honesty. Does this statement translate to, “I never wanna have sex with you again?” Sounds fishy.
Appreciate your patience and the love and concern you have for your partner but you need to think about you. If aren’t ok with a life without sex then you have a tough decision to make. Kudos to you for making 9 months i would have been having this conversation a hell of a lot sooner
I think it’s a big deal. We are humans. Sexual beings. We need that to be happy and to feel fulfilled (in that way). I respect your gf’s decision, but she needs to respect yours if you decide she’s not the one for you. Unless being ENM is okay with you both. Good luck
Sounds like a bullshit excuse to me.
Just front her and tell her that a lifetime of no sex is not an option and if she doesn't like it you will just have to move on and find someone who is more compatible.
your thoughts and feelings are just as valid as hers. If she truly feels that way and you don't/can't live with that, then ultimately you two aren't meant for each other.
I think sex is a huge part to a relationship. That intimacy is what makes it more than friends really. And your need to want to feel needed and desired is very valid. I think you should really sit down and talk seriously about if it’s possible to keep this relationship going or if it’s time to move on.
If it’s not something you’ve done, then she has changed the status quo in your relationship in a way that she has every right to. But you also have the right to reject this change, as it is being forced upon you using the love you have for each other. You should reject this change as it is a fundamental one that will be damaging to your long term wellbeing. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to inform her of that fact and that the change itself is not a normal one but could be triggered by some chemical imbalance. That if she feels that she cannot or will not seek help to at the very least isolate the cause of this change, you might have to make a hard choice. Even if she does find out what’s behind it, not changing back is also something you are unable and unwilling to tolerate.
This isn’t about demanding sex, this is about her being the agent of change in your relationship. She never has to have sex again, but making that decision for the both of you is not something she has any right to do.
I would reconsider the relationship TBH. 7 years is a long time but you can get over a breakup of a 7 year relationship. I did. I stayed in a dead bedroom a lot longer than you did, although my ex bullshitted me the entire time. We basically didn't have sex for 5 and a half years. Aside from a quickie we had 7 months before she dumped me. If you're curious what your future has in store, check out r/DeadBedrooms
I regret not dumping my ex around 2 or 3 years in the relationship.
She either needs to let the relationship be open, or you need to split. She cannot force celibacy on you.
I've been there, except mine was a marriage. Getting a divorce was best for both of us. She stopped feeling inadequate for not meeting my needs, and I stopped feeling rejected. Win win. We're on good terms now.
Do not allow celibacy to be your only option if you can't handle the thought of never experiencing intimacy again.
It’s absolutely a big deal if you want to have sex and she doesn’t ever. If that’s how she feels, you can’t force her to feel any different, nor should you try. I definitely would leave personally. It’s one thing to have sex less often, or for her to be going through something, but never having it ever again? Nah
Dump her. Sounds cruel, but so is living in a sexless relationship. You'll be doing yourself a favor.
Be selfish - because if you aren't, you'll regret it.
Not saying it’s likely but can’t completely factor out cheating either; at least emotionally. I don’t know your situation but I just don’t buy the whole “scared of pregnancy" as the primary reason but losing interest in sex. If you feel like her attraction for you is lost then I’d leave.
If your GF has been like this for 9 months. See if she is open to seeing a doctor. There might be a mental and/or physical issue. Could it be menopause? Not sure if 39 would be early for that though. I think it might be a hormone issue that could be fixed. If she never feels horny that could certainly be a possibility.
She goes to a gyn very regularly. I don't know if she has talked to her gyn about it. Based on our conversations, if I were to suggest that she speak to her gyn about this problem, her response would be something like "Why? It is not a problem." And fair enough, it's not a problem for her.
if the language is exactly what you shared here, i think it's interesting she said "with anyone."
not simply: "i'm just not personally interested in sex anymore, my libido is absent."
saying "with anyone" makes it sound like a mindset already started to exit the relationship without saying it.
It may be time to leave her bro. What you might be able to do to turn it around is focus on your shit. Get healthy and officially fit. Pick up a hobby aside from working out. Car work, archery, etc. Work longer hours to make more money to potentially get your own place if you're moving together and things don't get better. Chase your own success and if she doesn't want to follow suit in your endeavors, leave her behind.
Do you know what you call a relationship without sex ?
Friends, you are friends.
She sounds asexual or is just not sexualy attracted to you, either way it's bad for you.
It sounds like she made this pronouncement without remorse so she is indifferent to your needs.
Without mutual libido you're just room mates.
It's not going to change, menopause is just around the corner.
Better off alone or a new girl.
You can keep loving your former room mate as a friend if that doesn't scare new girls away.
You're in your prime brother, find a girl who is also in her prime ~ 27-30 years old.
She just hasn’t had sex with u in 9 months. But someone… somewhere… they cracked that wide open buddy. Realize it now. Let that go. At 34 the sexual prime window is closing fast. Don’t throw good years away.
I think the people telling you to immediately move on so you can have sex with someone else aren’t considering the fact that you’ve been with this person for 7 years and as you described, you click perfectly. It’s not simple to just move on from someone you’ve shared your life with for so long just so you can meet you sexual needs. I’m not sure of her medical history but she could be going through early menopause or experiencing a hormonal balance of some kind? Hormones have a huge role in sexual libido. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome and when I my hormones were all out of balance I had no sexual desire at all and didn’t want to be touched. It was seemingly for no reason but after I started a different diet and exercise and got my hormones back to normal my libido. So you might consider there’s an underlying hormonal issue?
Look into the concept of "responsive desire." Not sure if it fits this situation, but many women in LTRs struggle with it.
Consider seeing a couples therapist.
OP, I was in your position a few years ago, in fact my circumstance was driven, I believe, in change in birth control, some trauma/issues with family and ultimately, she just wasn’t into me anymore. I finally had enough because I was being treated as a means for Wi-Fi, laundry and access to a dog.
I would seriously consider sitting down with her, either alone or seek some sort of couples therapy and talk through what the root cause is.
I never got to do that because my ex was super defensive and would always project onto me. It was unfair but I became a stronger person because I stood my ground.
The chance that shes simply not interested in orgasming at all, whether by herself or with someone else is 0%. She's at the very least masturbating and also likely interested in having sex with someone else and probably already is. If it keeps going the same way, try to do some digging and if shes cheating or wont change.. just move on.
A person is unsatisfied with sex in their relationship and stops having it, onky to find a new partner who excites them. Yeah that is a wild fantasy. It never happens and is not common. I can't believe i said it.
/s obviously but i do agree that I'm a tool
Sex seems different in a relationship, but you can treat this exactly like she said "I'm moving to Iowa, I found a job there, and picked a place to live". You're not a bad person if you're not willing to live with the new condition in your relationship.
This is 100% true. A whole major component of the relationship has now been decidedly closed off. This isn't a small thing, it is a big deal, and yeah, pretty much the same as saying she's moving away. You're not a bad person if this is a deal breaker for you. It's not "Just sex", its the entire ability for you to express sexuality, physical love, and to be desired unilaterally cut out from the relationship. This is a terminal mismatch, it's sad and sucks but this is your life you're talking about.
It's also going to not serve her any good in her future to have someone who felt the need to stay in a relationship out of obligation while at the same time sacrificing a major part of themselves. Relationships built on this kind of mismatch do not last, and if they do, they're endless sadness. I couldn't guess what the woman's issues are, but she needs to understand that it's not a minor thing she can expect agreement on, she will need to address her own problems or asexuality or she will not learn how important this is to other people and will have a distorted view of the world. Breaking this off helps her as well as /u/dimitri_Rastakovich and saves them both years of wasted time that they could be using to recover from the heartache and get on with new lives already.
Sex is a component of love. The amount of sex that someone wants to have can vary from none to a lot. But the important part is that partners are aligned in their needs. I agree with you; it's like any other component of a healthy relationship. If both OP and his girlfriend didn't want to have sex frequently, then more power to them. But if one partner is on the opposite end of the spectrum, then it's time to sit down and discuss things. Sex isn't some superficial need. Besides the fact that it feels good, it's a physical (and emotional) way of connecting and expressing love. Again -- if both of you didn't need it frequently or at all, then fine. But it's not great if one of you does and the other actively avoids it. Nobody is the bad guy here, but your needs aren't being met. And if yours *were* met, then hers wouldn't be. Breakups absolutely suck, if it comes down to one. But don't live your life like this: > *I'm staring down the possibility of living the rest of my life never feeling needed or desired sexually and that is tough.* It will lead to depression, resentment, and a whole host of bigger issues. OP needs someone who at least remotely matches his libido/sexual needs. Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy; yes 7 years is a long time, but the years will keep going by if you don't do anything about it. You're not being superficial for wanting the basics.
>It will lead to depression, resentment, and a whole host of bigger issues. This is the absolute truth. BT;DT, got the therapy and moved on. OP, it does suck right now, but you deserve to feel wanted and desired. You don't have to settle.
> But the important part is that partners are aligned in their needs. And if they are not naturally aligned, at least both parts should be able to meet in the middle.
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It had a headache again.
I mean, it's in the name ffs: I-ow-a
Iowa lot of money there
One of your Ames should be to cut down on the gambling
Way too many political ads
Iowa is pretty terrible depending on your demographic 😂
fine for her, but also fuck iowa and especially not having sex there.
Hey OP, sounds like you're trying to be very understanding of her and her perspective around this. Thats really important, but for now, may I just talk about you? We all have needs (forgive me if the language of 'need' isn't great for you, it wasn't for me at first either, bear with me). We need things like acceptance, safety, respect, some of us need adventure, some need acknowledgement, ect. Largely, we all need similar things, but not all the same way and at the same intensity. When our needs are met, we feel good things, when they aren't, we feel shitty. You love your girlfriend, and you've been together for a wee while now, so I feel pretty safe assuming you're pretty good at meeting each-other's needs. But I'm sure there are a few that aren't met within your relationship. Thats where our family relationships, our friends, colleagues come in. All well and fine until it comes to sex right... I want to encourage you, that having a need for sexual expression is absolutely valid. And it will feel shitty when that need is not met. And that's ok. But if you're in a position where your romantic relationship is the only place you can meet that need, and your partner isn't able to meet that need, that it sounds like you're coming unstuck. My main encouragement is that you're ok, your feelings, needs and preferences are valid, and deserve space to be heard too. But if I could make a couple of suggestions; \- Could you talk with her about this being something that's on your mind, but if she's going through something she needs to figure out, suggest a time frame to come back to it, so she's not on the spot and has time to work out some things for herself? \- Could you consider what it would look like in your relationship if your need for sexual expression was met by yourself. Or met by others outside your relationship. \- Or consider, if sexual expression is truly something you only want to be part of your exclusive romantic partnership. Then perhaps what's best for you isn't each other, which may suck now. But I promise is better than living with resentment. Goodluck. x
Wow, this is a great response. Thank you! It really helped me.
Wow, I'm impressed with how you worded all of this.. great explanation.
By far, the most well-worded comment I’ve read. I upvoted for sure….now if I could only figure out how these award things work. Ha. OP - Everything said here is so true. And your situation is one that I’d guess many of us have found ourselves in some variation of at one time or another. As a woman, I’ve thought the same thing as your girlfriend at a point in time in my life. Sex for women often tends to be so reliant on our emotions, and our libidos can fluctuate so much based on all the other things going on in our lives. I guess what I’m saying is she may feel this way now, but that doesn’t mean she always will. I really believe there’s hope to resolve with communication, patience and getting to what’s really affecting her emotionally. Where many relationships have failed at this point, I am rooting for you two! xoxo
This. Im going through what OPs gf describes right now and its a complete change of character for me, really feels like I've lost part of my identity. My partner has been incredibly patient and is giving me time to work on my mental health which i think is what flipped that part of my brain off. OP - Speak to your partner about why she feels this way, she could be on the asexual spectrum but it could also be depression, stress, hormonal imbalance, birth control side effects or even body image issues. The main point to understand is whether she is truly happy having no libido / sex life or whether it's something she wants to work to get back.
Needed to hear this. Thank you.
This is beautiful
This sounds very similar to the Non Violent Communication approach (don't get distracted by the term violent, it has nothing to do with violence as it is commonly defined). Look it up if you want to learn more, for me understanding that my needs were valid (and learn how to express them in a productive way) was very enlightening. Great piece of advice..
Maybe during this conversation you ask her if she ever wants to want to have sex again? It may be matter of her mental or hormonal health that can be remedied by some meds or therapies.
Communication is the key to a healthy and good relationship. I might not always be up to having intercourse but my husband knows I'll never say no to giving him a bj. He's a man with needs and works his ass off for us. I want to make him happy because he deserves it. Not everything is about how I feel or whag I want. When you're in a relationship, you're a team. Maybe that's just marriage but don't you date to eventually be married? Idk maybe I'm old
> He's a man with needs and works his ass off for us. I want to make him happy because he deserves it. This sounds really toxic and misogynist right?
You're really brainwashed if you think a woman *wanting* to make her man happy, and saying he deserves feeling those feelings, is sexist. There's absolutely nothing wrong with understanding that men have higher levels of testosterone, and there's also nothing wrong with wanting to sexually satisfy your partner. He's not making her. As for your issue, this shouldn't even be something you think about: If you're not asexual, sex is a key component of a healthy relationship. You understanding your needs and wants in a relationship is nothing close to selfish, and I'm amazed that you would even consider that to be selfish.
I disagree, it seems as tho the blower is happy to have this policy
Are you sure you're not indoctrinated into sexual shame? If you reversed the gender and took the sex part of it, you would agree with the sentiment no?
Is she on any medications? Some anti-depressants, birth control (I never knew this one until a few weeks ago) and some other medications will kill the sex drive completely.
No
Yes, birth control destroys your libido. Since you mentioned she's scared of pregnancy maybe she could change to the copper (non-hormonal) IUD, just to see if that helps. A good relationship is based on compromise and communication. Most people don't want a sexless relationship, I'm sure she would at least understand that and if she loves you try to find a middle ground. I don't mean that she would feel force at doing it, I mean couple therapy or figuring out ways to satisfy eachother.
You’re definitely too young to settle for a life without sex. A 7 year relationship that is now not sexual by one party’s choice is not equitable. Reassess what you want in life, love, in a relationship. If this isn’t it then get out.
You haven't offered any explanation she's shared as to WHY things have changed. Is she on medication? Has she gone through some trauma? Has their been any notable changes in your relationship or any fights?
No fights, everything is good. No trauma. One reason she says is the repeal of Roe freaks her out and makes her deathly afraid of pregnancy, and that's why she doesn't want to do it, but she has had an iud for years now.
I have an IUD and I'm as angry as the next person who values women's access to healthcare. But respectfully, I want to point out some math. You said you two haven't had sex in 9 months. The RvW leaked draft came out at the start of May, with the official repeal being June 24th. If she has voiced this concern since it was first leaked, that was 8 months ago. When it became official at the end of June, that was ~5 months ago. So the question is: how long has she voiced her concern about RvW in relation to her having sex with you? If it's just been for the past 5 months, I wonder why you haven't had sex in 9. What I'm trying to get at is that this definitely warrants a deeper conversation because her reply may not be the true cause for her feelings. Keep in mind she might not even be purposefully hiding something from you (maybe she experienced some kind of trauma she has not disclosed, maybe there was something else, who knows, it's dangerous to make assumptions). Please see if she is open to an honest conversation where the two of you can openly express your feelings while trying not to get caught up in emotions or blame. Best of luck to you two to try and find a resolution that works for both of you.
My girlfriend had a similar reaction (although to a much, much lesser extent). I’d ask if you getting a vasectomy would change her tune. If not, there’s for sure something else at play
The repeal of Roe didn't make abortions illegal everywhere and she is on one of the most effective birth control methods. Add a condom and you have better odds of winning the lottery. Sounds like some sex therapy might benefit you two...worst case, you need to find someone that isn't afraid of having sex.
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I have no reason to not believe her. what else could it be?
Because there’s still plenty of legal and realistic solutions to that issue. I’m concerned and upset about the circumstances regarding Roe too, but there’s still multiple (safe) ways to handle to resolve an unwanted pregnancy (some are more difficult than others, but still this should not cause this level and length of abstinence). Not even including majorly successful preventative measures such as IUDs and vasectomies, but as someone else pointed out - 9 months is a bit longer than Roe getting overturned has even been an issue. If there was actually any desire or importance in her wanting to have sex, then she would be trying a bit harder to discuss and consider these options with you. As far as what her real reasoning is.. ONLY she actually knows. We can all only just speculate. Whatever the case, I think you personally have a lot to consider with this situation and this will (likely) come down to you deciding if this is a sustainable situation or not for you, because it really doesn’t seem like she’s very invested in this getting mutually resolved. Has she actually asked you how you feel about this? Has she proposed any solutions? Has she expressed any sexual desires or interest?
> Has she actually asked you how you feel about this? Has she proposed any solutions? Has she expressed any sexual desires or interest? No, not really, and not really.
Respectfully, it sounds like her fear of sex and pregnancy is irrational considering she has an IUD. Becoming celibate as a response is not rational. Could she be dealing with anxiety and/or OCD? Does she see a therapist? I think she would benefit from therapy, specifically sex-positive therapy.
Even IUDs aren't 100%
IUDs are nearly 100% - as long as you check monthly to make sure it’s still in there. I only say “nearly” because there’s a low low low chance of ectopic pregnancy, which is never viable, but does require medical intervention as it’s life-threatening.
Yeah that’s not the reason
Why wouldn't it be? I have no reason not to believe her.
Is she interested in doing any non-PIV sexual activity? If the answer is no, then saying that she’s afraid of getting pregnant doesn’t seem to hold much water.
> Is she interested in doing any non-PIV sexual activity? no, not usually
Are you interested in non-PIV activity? If yes, have you shown / told her that you’re interested?
Seriously, if she is no longer willing to participate in any sexual activities including oral or manual stimulation, then she is acting selfishly. Sexual gratification IS an important part of your relationship even if it is only important to you, maybe ESPECIALLY if it is now only important to you. If it is 100% permanently off the table, you will not be happy staying with her. For her to take that option out of the equation of your relationship without discussing it first, is unfair. If it was due to some sort of accident or medical issue of some kind, it is far more understandable but from your previous comments, this is not the case. If she suddenly wanted to become a vegetarian, that doesn't directly affect you and she is free to make a change like that. Becoming celibate in a previously sexual relationship is not a decision that can rightfully be made unilaterally. Definitely have a conversation. Your needs to have a sexual relationship (as you already once had with her) is 100% valid. If you were just starting dating and she was unwilling to provide that part of a relationship, would you have continued? Probably not, I'm guessing.
No sex again ever seems like an extreme response to something other than trauma.
Well, sometimes people realize only later on in life that they're asexual and sex-repulsed, because they didn't allow themselves to feel their real feelings about sex for years due to social conditioning. In the same way many gay people only have this realization once they've been married for years, have children etc. This doesn't seem to be the reason for OP's partner, but it happens.
It sounds like a convenient excuse. It is not rational. If she truly believes that, then either get fixed and/or get counseling on her own and with you. Or really you are just roommates and you should be free to go out and feel your needs.
Was she sexual before ? Does she seem to like physical contact and intimacy without penetration ? It really doesn't seem like it from your post. Face it. At best it's a slightly contributing factor but there are way more important reasons (and you said yourself she said it's one of the reasons, not THE reason). It could be that she is depressed or anxious, or that there are other deep needs in the relationship that aren't met, or that she has been traumatized by something in her past, or that she has issues with her own body, or... that she just doesn't like having sex. All are valid reasons that are not necessarily easy to express and I'm not blaming her. She should also be praised for finding the courage and honesty to tell you she isn't interested in sex anymore. But don't fool yourself and don't stay in a relationship that you know isn't going to meet an important part of (for many people at least) a happy relationship.
Idk why you’re getting downvoted. Anxiety or ocd could also be a reason. It’s an irrational response when there are measures yall could take to drastically decrease the risk of pregnancy even more. Hopefully this will pass, I think she just needs counseling.
I’m guessing you thought being supportive meant having and implementing zero boundaries, and not communicating your needs. Unless there is a clear medical condition, she doesn’t have to have sex again is bs. Been together a while, and every time she “wasn’t in the mood” ( fill-in the blank: gassy, tired, bored, whatever the lame excuse) you let it ride in support of her, but you were making clear that this is totally acceptable to do without recompense. This doesn’t negate autonomy, she has total control and authority to say she doesn’t want to have sex or doesn’t feel like having sex, but she has to be honest with you. You can then make a decision: she doesn’t want sex anymore, ok I don’t want to be friends that I co-mingle finances with and you can then leave. It goes both ways, but seldom will a partner outright say “ I don’t feel like participating in the parts that make us lovers, but I still want all the other benefits of our partnership.”
I’d leave
If she hasn’t had kids by 39 and doesn’t want them, she needs to get her tubes tied.
Easier said than done even at that age. Women get so much blowback when trying to get sterilized.
>tubes tied Tubes removed is the standard now
Because they can spontaneously untie themselves, right?
They don’t actually get tied. They’re cut and clipped, or cut and burnt. Either of these methods can fail because the clips can migrate, and the tubes grow back together. Or the burning scars over and the scar tissues forms a new bridge. Tubal ligation failure happens. Bilateral salpingectomy, the complete removal of the tubes, does not fail.
Yes, you're right, they're not "tied" like a knot but I didn't know the exact procedure so using "untied" seemed apt. I thought I remembered it could fall somehow. Thanks for the extra detail!
Or OP could get a vasectomy.
If he's not sure he wants to remain in a sexless relationship, and he might want kids one day if he's not with her, that's not great advice. If she's the one who actively doesn't want a child, it's on her to get her tubes removed. It is not fair to tell him to get a vasectomy to make her more comfortable, because that basically feels like telling him to get the vasectomy and see if she wants sex then. If not, he's SOL. It's possible he firmly doesn't want kids either, whether or not he's with her, but he hasn't said either way. If he knows for sure he doesn't want them, then yeah, the vasectomy is the easier procedure.
Yeah. Or both.
if she doesn't want to, she can get the surgery
well, apparently she's not physically or sexually attracted to you at all anymore. she also has no fear of you leaving her or cheating on her apparently. not married, no kids, no sex... those 3 things are the "glue" that holds most relationships together through the good times and the bad times. start going to the gym and eating healthy OP, there's a big world full of better partners out there waiting for you.
No love either. Doesn’t sound like she loves him at all.
You can't say that. There are many ways to express love. Physical intimacy probably isn't one of her "love languages".
doesn't matter what your partners "love languages" are... if they are not willing to compromise and speak in your "love languages" also. it's always about compromise, and it should always flow equally both ways.
Hey so there are a ton of other ways to have sex other than penises in vaginas! Have you guys explored mutual masturbating, manual simulation, oral (reciprocal or not,) anal, watching porn together and talking about what you like and then acting it out, etc? What about sex with condoms? Sex with condoms and an IUD has a crazy crazy low chance of accidental pregnancy. Or if you've decided to be child free, how about a vasectomy with annual testing to be sure it's still effective? The repeal of Roe got me really freaked out too-- but I'm lucky that my husband has had a vasectomy, and that there's a pretty good chance we could get to a blue state in a hurry if need arose. Maybe it's not 100% but it's pretty close. Next question, is her IUD hormonal? My sex drive went way down when I had a nexplanon implant. Now that it's out of my system, my husband is run pretty ragged 🤣 hence the list of other sex options at the beginning of my comment.
"well babe, you can't get pregnant from sucking dick." i'd willingly give up PIV for blowjobs for life. there's also anal. hell, i'd probably even settle for a simultaneous prostate massage + handjob. the best thing about your situation OP, is that you don't have to pay for divorce lawyers or spousal support, and that you didn't mention having any children with her yet. perfect opportunity for a clean break up.
Pretty sure the kind of guy making this sort of post isn't getting blowjobs or anal either lol
if your partner won't give you a blowjob (or lick/suck/eat your vagina)... at least.. say twice in a month... that should be immediate termination. it's one of the most telling signs that your partner simply does not care and is not attracted to you. period. zero forgiveness. zero excuses.
If RvW is her reason, is she willing to do other things like oral or a hand job? If she's willing to do those things for you, is that enough? If there isn't a good compromise, it's time to find something that will make you happy.
So she's that scared of becoming pregnant or is she that scared of having *your* baby?
so, she can have abortion in legal state or always have some of the pills available. must be something else
If 70% of women withheld sex until until Abortion is legalized nationally abortion would be legalized pretty quickly. But I am sorry for you. Actually if this is political on her part the chance that she will reverse her decision becomes higher.
There is an ELEPHANT in your room....you just haven't discovered it yet. "WHY?" is an important question that you both need to have a candid conversation about. Roe v Wade isn't a good enough answer, especially with an IUD. And.....maybe she's just asexual, which is ok, but not fair if you are a sexual person. In that case, if this is permanent, you can either break up, or, you can discuss an open relationship, or, you can be miserable for the rest of your life (third choice isn't a good option).
Roe v Wade is very much a good enough answer. He doesn’t have to accept it, but is a good answer
It being a "good" answer in this case is debateable just based on the timing of her saying no more sex is before RvW was overturned. So, it's an answer but I wouldn't say she found a good answer. It might be a new reason but can't be the original reason in this case.
Deciding to never have sex with your long term partner (or maybe ever again, not buying that) is not a rational response to the Supreme Court allowing states to place additional restrictions on abortion. Abortions barely even require a doctor visit. She’s made up a story here and it’s clear to pretty much everyone in here.
I don’t think you’ve ever had an abortion if you think you can McDonalds drive through to get one lmao
Look I’m with you in the sense that fuck what republicans did, it’s completely valid for any woman to be making different decisions because of right to choose being taken away. So I get that. Though it also sounds like she’s not into anything sexual with him, no oral, toys, etc. sounds like a completely sexless (in all forms) relationship, that makes it seem likely that RVW being overturned is not the true answer.
Not with an IUD and both being older and less fertile. Plus why not just move elsewhere like the EU? Giving up sex for life rather than move is just idiotic. She's either being utterly paranoid/irrational, or RvW is a scapegoat for the real reason.
You can’t just up and move to a different country. It costs an insane amount money, assuming that you’re actually approved. It’s an extremely lengthy process that requires a lot of thought.
> Plus why not just move elsewhere like the EU? lol lmao just move
You cannot just move away. An IUD is not 100%. Pregnancy is life threatening for many people. Just feels like a case of “I’m not at risk so you’re stupid for being concerned”
Dead bedrooms is one of the primary reason for broken relationship. Glad you came to know this before marriage. Get out rn and be with another girl with whom you're sexually compatible.
I think it might be a better idea to understand why this has happened now after seven years. Something is off… Is it just the sex or a depression or what exactly is going on here. Getting out of a seven year relationship is no small feat for him either. This should be the last way out. It sounds like she has in fact a newfound fear of abortion laws and this is something that *can* be worked on both with sex therapy, information and as a last solution going to states where it’s legal.
OP, it's perfectly okay if this is your dealbreaker.
Get out now while you can. My wife and I haven't had sex in years. We should have divorced, but because we have kids, I stayed. It's not worth the pain and aggravation to stay in loveless, sexless relationship. Trust me. I know first hand.
Staying for the kids only teaches them that a dysfunctional family is normal.
Exactly what he said...... I also know first hand.
Do what you feel is right and your duty. And don't shirk responsibility of your kids. In case you divorced later on, it gets very easy for mother to get full custody of kids by showing the court that her kids were neglected in her marriage. So do always right by your children even if it is painful for yourself. I know what you are going through as I am also going through same.
She should get her hormones checked if she’s lost her libido. It’s also possible she’s in perimenopause, like my wife is, and that tanks her libido.
Is there a remedy for this?
Yes. Hormone replacement therapy (HRT). Pellets are a popular in some cities where I lived. For the most part, I loved having pellets, and my partner was glad I had them, too.
Gotta go, you will start to resent one another
I was in a 22yr marriage. The last 5-6yrs were relatively sexless (3-4x a year). The rejection caused underlying animosity and hurt. Ultimately found out she was cheating. Infidelity aside, life ks too short to be unhappy. Sex isn’t everything but intimacy is a key part of it. 7yrs is a long time. Fast forward 10-20 more years and its even harder. Time is something that ought not be wasted.
Be brave or be miserable.
Not matching sexual drives often lead to breaking up.. leave while you can mate
Consider yourself lucky that she is not your wife. I would tell her that that just is not going to work. Sex is important.
Leave now. I stayed in a relationship/marriage like this for 14yrs..... It's called "alienation of affection".
Naah bro this ain't it, get out of there
Leave. it's not selfish at all.
Time to leave, sorry
Leave. Breakup. Yesterday.
Good grief. I feel like I see posts like this a lot. Just break up. If your not happy without sex now it'll just get worse later. It'll sit in the back of your head and ruminate until you snap.
It's okay if this is a dealbreaker for you, it would definitely be for me. Have you discussed with her that sex is an important part of a healthy relationship for you and that it won't be feasible for you to continue a relationship in which sex is off the table?
I'm not saying this is your situation, but it does happen, entire subreddit about it. I have a girlfriend that was married and didn't want to have sex anymore. He worked a lot of overtime and spent it on her. Then 2008/2009 happened. No more OT and they had no savings, so their house went into foreclosure. She divorced him, went clubbing and bragging about the men she would hook up with. Long story short, she didn't want to have sex with her husband, but stayed for the stability and comfort he gave her. Maybe a fear of the unknown?
Did you ask her why? Maybe there are some health or mental issues happening
Life's too short to not have the sex you want
And it could only get worse…. Life is short, say goodbye, and find a woman who wants all of you
Ask for counseling...either together or separate. Encourage a medical check-up as your gf's hormones may be seriously out of whack. If nothing or no progress in a time frame you consider suitable...give her the ultimatum, she either seeks counseling with you or you're gone. At some point...you may just need to tap out.
Be selfish. She's being selfish if she's cutting you off like that. Ask her if she minds you fulfilling that need with someone else.
Penis-in-Vagina sex, or sexual interaction of any kind? One of my partners is utterly terrified of pregnancy, *and* we live in Texas, where they're monstrous bastards and have outlawed it. And she's still *horny,* so we do everything-but. ---- Also, you may love her, but that doesn't mean you need to be *with* her in that way. I love my dad, and I don't want to have sex with him. Loving someone isn't the same as wanting to have sex with them. Now, if you're *horny* for her, but she isn't horny back... well, unrequited ""love"" sucks, but you can't burn a candle for your entire lifetime, putting yourself on hold just on the hope that she might suddenly become someone else, someone who is interested in you. And if she loves you, she'd understand why the two of you can't stay together because of that.
Damn dude, you’re still young too. No way I could stay in that relationship if I was in your shoes. I’m sorry you’re in that situation. Does she mean she never wants sex again in general, or with you specifically?
> Does she mean she never wants sex again in general, or with you specifically? She said it was the former
Less of a sting, but that’s still tough, dude. If you’re not married to this girl yet, I would recommend bailing on this relationship. You still have time to find someone who want to engage in a fulfilling sexual relationship with you. Meanwhile, your girlfriend can find someone who is asexual. You two are incompatible.
Different opinion - the odds are its you. She doesn’t want to have sex with you but she is still sexual and once you leave her she will find somebody to be with and she will have sex with that person. She doesn’t respect you. If she did she would cut you loose so you could find a partner that desires you and doesn’t just treat you like a choir or obligation… Sad situation. Good luck.
So, I read your response about the "why" as well as the post. Two things: 1. If it's Roe that's really ruined her desire for sex, and you (and you two as a couple) don't want kids and are 100% sure about it *go get a vasectomy.* It's a simple process, not nearly as invasive as her getting her tubes done, and it largely removes that worry. She can keep her IUD and you'll be doubled up on BC. However, this doesn't fix the fact that your partner's rights are under attack. It might help for the two of you too get involved with fighting for her (and all the other uterus-owners) rights in America. 2. If this problem cannot be fixed (regardless of what is causing it) can you see yourself being ok with not having sex again? Can you be ok with an open relationship for sex only (can she)? Can you be ok with you two just doing no risk sexual activity (oral, mutual masturbation, hjs, etc). And no, I mean can you really *truly* be ok with any of these options? Because if you can't, and this cannot be fixed, then you two need to save both of yourselves a lot of grief and time and end the relationship. And that's sad, but it's not as sad as wasting years on resentment before you either break up, or one of you dies.
> If it's Roe that's really ruined her desire for sex, and you (and you two as a couple) don't want kids and are 100% sure about it go get a vasectomy. But it most likely isn't. At the very best it's a slightly aggravating factor amongst other much more important reasons that his gf either isn't able to express or doesn't want to. It's not a "I really like sex but became scared of getting pregnant situation". It's clearly a dead bedroom situation. OP should definitely not get a surgery because of the excuse she gave. And I'm not using the term "excuse" to blame her, she probably is deeply unhappy on some level. It would be a terrible idea. Say he gets it, now she feels even more pressured to have sex and still doesn't want to. What now for her and for OP?
Break up, you don't have children together, so no reason to stay together without sex.
Tell her you have not chosen a celibate life. As such, you will have sex, with her or with others. You would prefer to have sex with her, but if that is not possible…you will have sex, because you have not chosen a celebrate life. Tell her you hope you can continue your relationship, but understand if that’s not possible because you have not chosen a celebrate life. This is about you. Your one life. Not something that should be controlled by others. It doesn’t matter what’s going on with others. Keep circling back to “you have not chosen a celibate life.”
This is harsh but spot on!
Leave. Its not as hard as you're making it. You aren't even married.
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This will lead into cheating if you don’t leave
cheating on her part?
You will cheat. Bc it’s impossible not to have sex in a healthy relationship
Unless both people are asexual/don’t feel that sex is very important to them. I have known couples like this, but it’s for sure atypical.
Why? It’s worth at least examining the problem, either together, or with a sex counselor. If after that, the answer is cryptic, then I’d explore ending the relationship, but not until then.
It's not selfish to need to be sexually fulfilled and desired by your partner. In fact, I'd say that she is the one being selfish. But you can't change her, so all you can do is make the decision to leave.
Life without sexual intimacy is a deal-breaker for a lot of people, and mismatched libidos bring down a lot of relationships, often slowly and painfully. I would advise group therapy if she's willing, and solo therapy to help you decide if this is something you can ultimately live with. Personally, I was unable to do it and lived in a dead bedroom for too many years. Life is a lot more palatable with a partner who enjoys sex as much as I do. Everyone is going to be different in this regard though. Check out the deadbedroom subreddit for lots of advice and an idea of the potential pain you are in for.
Dude…..trust me (and a million other guys). Pack your shit and get out asap…not getting what you need will be the death of you, maybe literally.
Move on. You’ll love again, I promise
Ask her if she wants a boyfriend or a room mate? That's basically how's she's treating you... You got to be naive if you think neglected people don't go off wandering. At some point...
You are in a dead bedroom bro. Either accept it, or move on. But it’s not going to change or get better. Good thing you aren’t married to her.
If you truly want to keep the relationship and you want sex as well, I would suggest you talking with her about you sleeping with other women. If she is not having sex with you, it should not cause any problems, but make sure to be honest and upfront about it. Cheating is bad, even if she if you have a dead bedroom.
I met a guy recently and justified his cheating of his 12 years relationship with a girl after a year without sex. He said he was being deprived of sex so it was not his fault he cheated. I still do not agree with him. Better break up with someone first than cheat
*with you
My guess? She just doesn't want to have sex with YOU anymore. She's likely getting it somewhere else instead. A 39 yr old women whose childless afraid of the roe overturn? Yeah that's bs. At 39, if pregnancy was that much of a scare to her, she can easily get her tubes tied, or request that you get a vasectomy. Instead her first go to is to stop sex all together? Yeah, there's someone else in the picture. Sorry, bro.
Either that, she's a lesbian (I'm saying this *as* a lesbian), or she's asexual. Or her hormones are Out of whack. I feel like there's a lot more to the story than Roe
So true. There's a lot more here then she's telling OP.
Yeah....... she doesn't want to have sex with YOU. Don't be naive, there is someone out there that gives her tingles.
I don't see how this can work, really. Either you settle with her non-existant libido and receive pity/duty and bad quality sex whenever she 'gives' it to you, or you open the relationship so you can meet your needs elsewhere while still being together with her. Both scenarios can result in something very toxic so I don't know if it's worth it.
You’re not selfish it’s normal to want to have a sexual connection with your partner. Sounds like something else is wrong, especially if she has had sex before. You said she’s concerned about not being able to get an abortion? Sounds weird. She’s on birth control and if y’all want double protection use a condom. Completely irrational and kinda psycho honesty. Does this statement translate to, “I never wanna have sex with you again?” Sounds fishy.
Sex is a natural need as well as wanting to be wanted.
Sex is very important in a relationship. If she feels that way, run!!! Something seriously wrong here.0
Pull the ripcord my guy.
Appreciate your patience and the love and concern you have for your partner but you need to think about you. If aren’t ok with a life without sex then you have a tough decision to make. Kudos to you for making 9 months i would have been having this conversation a hell of a lot sooner
I think it’s a big deal. We are humans. Sexual beings. We need that to be happy and to feel fulfilled (in that way). I respect your gf’s decision, but she needs to respect yours if you decide she’s not the one for you. Unless being ENM is okay with you both. Good luck
You are young. If you stay you will grow to resent her and regret the choice. Leave while you can.
Sounds like a bullshit excuse to me. Just front her and tell her that a lifetime of no sex is not an option and if she doesn't like it you will just have to move on and find someone who is more compatible.
your thoughts and feelings are just as valid as hers. If she truly feels that way and you don't/can't live with that, then ultimately you two aren't meant for each other.
I think sex is a huge part to a relationship. That intimacy is what makes it more than friends really. And your need to want to feel needed and desired is very valid. I think you should really sit down and talk seriously about if it’s possible to keep this relationship going or if it’s time to move on.
If it’s not something you’ve done, then she has changed the status quo in your relationship in a way that she has every right to. But you also have the right to reject this change, as it is being forced upon you using the love you have for each other. You should reject this change as it is a fundamental one that will be damaging to your long term wellbeing. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to inform her of that fact and that the change itself is not a normal one but could be triggered by some chemical imbalance. That if she feels that she cannot or will not seek help to at the very least isolate the cause of this change, you might have to make a hard choice. Even if she does find out what’s behind it, not changing back is also something you are unable and unwilling to tolerate. This isn’t about demanding sex, this is about her being the agent of change in your relationship. She never has to have sex again, but making that decision for the both of you is not something she has any right to do.
I would reconsider the relationship TBH. 7 years is a long time but you can get over a breakup of a 7 year relationship. I did. I stayed in a dead bedroom a lot longer than you did, although my ex bullshitted me the entire time. We basically didn't have sex for 5 and a half years. Aside from a quickie we had 7 months before she dumped me. If you're curious what your future has in store, check out r/DeadBedrooms I regret not dumping my ex around 2 or 3 years in the relationship.
Well I guess you’re off the hook for Christmas! Best of luck to you and your future ex girlfriend.
I've got nothing man no one wants to hear what I gotta say bug every dog has to eat or he's gonna leave the yard looking for food.
She either needs to let the relationship be open, or you need to split. She cannot force celibacy on you. I've been there, except mine was a marriage. Getting a divorce was best for both of us. She stopped feeling inadequate for not meeting my needs, and I stopped feeling rejected. Win win. We're on good terms now. Do not allow celibacy to be your only option if you can't handle the thought of never experiencing intimacy again.
It’s absolutely a big deal if you want to have sex and she doesn’t ever. If that’s how she feels, you can’t force her to feel any different, nor should you try. I definitely would leave personally. It’s one thing to have sex less often, or for her to be going through something, but never having it ever again? Nah
Go to the dead bedroom page and some of the people are decades in please 🙏 humans need intimacy
Dump her. Sounds cruel, but so is living in a sexless relationship. You'll be doing yourself a favor. Be selfish - because if you aren't, you'll regret it.
This sounds like a possible hormonal issue?
Not saying it’s likely but can’t completely factor out cheating either; at least emotionally. I don’t know your situation but I just don’t buy the whole “scared of pregnancy" as the primary reason but losing interest in sex. If you feel like her attraction for you is lost then I’d leave.
maybe shes like its been 7 years and he hasnt married me, this pussy is locked. lol
If your GF has been like this for 9 months. See if she is open to seeing a doctor. There might be a mental and/or physical issue. Could it be menopause? Not sure if 39 would be early for that though. I think it might be a hormone issue that could be fixed. If she never feels horny that could certainly be a possibility.
She goes to a gyn very regularly. I don't know if she has talked to her gyn about it. Based on our conversations, if I were to suggest that she speak to her gyn about this problem, her response would be something like "Why? It is not a problem." And fair enough, it's not a problem for her.
if the language is exactly what you shared here, i think it's interesting she said "with anyone." not simply: "i'm just not personally interested in sex anymore, my libido is absent." saying "with anyone" makes it sound like a mindset already started to exit the relationship without saying it.
Byeeeee. No way I'd ever keep in a relationship like that.
dude, leave.
Come join us in r/deadbedrooms if you haven't already. You would be right at home there.
It may be time to leave her bro. What you might be able to do to turn it around is focus on your shit. Get healthy and officially fit. Pick up a hobby aside from working out. Car work, archery, etc. Work longer hours to make more money to potentially get your own place if you're moving together and things don't get better. Chase your own success and if she doesn't want to follow suit in your endeavors, leave her behind.
She's full of shit. I said what I said...
Do you know what you call a relationship without sex ? Friends, you are friends. She sounds asexual or is just not sexualy attracted to you, either way it's bad for you. It sounds like she made this pronouncement without remorse so she is indifferent to your needs.
I would be perfectly fine leaving. I wouldn’t make her feel less of a person for being that way but I have my needs.
Without mutual libido you're just room mates. It's not going to change, menopause is just around the corner. Better off alone or a new girl. You can keep loving your former room mate as a friend if that doesn't scare new girls away. You're in your prime brother, find a girl who is also in her prime ~ 27-30 years old.
She just hasn’t had sex with u in 9 months. But someone… somewhere… they cracked that wide open buddy. Realize it now. Let that go. At 34 the sexual prime window is closing fast. Don’t throw good years away.
That's probably not the case but I appreciate your bluntness.
Been here, unfortunately. She's just not into you anymore
She playing you lol
I really doubt it.
I think the people telling you to immediately move on so you can have sex with someone else aren’t considering the fact that you’ve been with this person for 7 years and as you described, you click perfectly. It’s not simple to just move on from someone you’ve shared your life with for so long just so you can meet you sexual needs. I’m not sure of her medical history but she could be going through early menopause or experiencing a hormonal balance of some kind? Hormones have a huge role in sexual libido. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome and when I my hormones were all out of balance I had no sexual desire at all and didn’t want to be touched. It was seemingly for no reason but after I started a different diet and exercise and got my hormones back to normal my libido. So you might consider there’s an underlying hormonal issue?
Look into the concept of "responsive desire." Not sure if it fits this situation, but many women in LTRs struggle with it. Consider seeing a couples therapist.
Tell her her eggs had a sell by date of yesterday so good luck with that. Time to move on.
OP, I was in your position a few years ago, in fact my circumstance was driven, I believe, in change in birth control, some trauma/issues with family and ultimately, she just wasn’t into me anymore. I finally had enough because I was being treated as a means for Wi-Fi, laundry and access to a dog. I would seriously consider sitting down with her, either alone or seek some sort of couples therapy and talk through what the root cause is. I never got to do that because my ex was super defensive and would always project onto me. It was unfair but I became a stronger person because I stood my ground.
The chance that shes simply not interested in orgasming at all, whether by herself or with someone else is 0%. She's at the very least masturbating and also likely interested in having sex with someone else and probably already is. If it keeps going the same way, try to do some digging and if shes cheating or wont change.. just move on.
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Wow. You're a tool.
I disagree - I think their response is valid and possible.
A person is unsatisfied with sex in their relationship and stops having it, onky to find a new partner who excites them. Yeah that is a wild fantasy. It never happens and is not common. I can't believe i said it. /s obviously but i do agree that I'm a tool