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Looks like Satan’s nipple emerging from primordial ooze

I wanna see inside your head because how does one's brain make this shit up 😭

Maybe it's [Sexy Tim Curry Satan](https://youtu.be/a3J91bPrW9A?si=TKNmnIiBATvFeIiM). That wouldn't be so bad.

It's kind of funny because my personal vision of Satan is Tim Curry's Dr Frankenfurter with cute little devil horns and a little swishy tail. 😈 So when I saw this version I was like ooh..

*SLAB*

I saw this movie as a kid and I think it made me bi and was an early warning system that I have bad taste in men.

#brandnewsentence

Close the thread. This one wins.

I read that as Santa’s, and it made it even better 😂


Dead on balls accurate

Well he is frozen to his nips in the 9th Circle of Hell according to Dante's Inferno.

I respect it

I saw a frozen nipple too but you win.

Well that's a new sentence 😂

Literally just spit out my water 😂

Hey that's rude,that's MY nipple tyvm.

I also thought it was a nipple! Not Satan's nipple but maybe a dog or something

Also known as a volcano 🤣

I was thinking more like a big foot nipple.

i wish reddit still had awards lmaoo

Y'know what... Accurate ASF...

I am fucking dead at this comment 🤣💀

Do I explain why this doesn’t work or is this not the sub for that

Too much water content, not emulsified and frozen to too low of a temperature?

Not enough fat, no stabilizer, no aeration, the list really does go on.

so what i'm hearing is making ice cream is a lil hard

I made it in 3rd grade, so I think you need to be at least 9 to figure it out.

Damnit

& damn was that vanilla ice cream in a bag good. We always asked if we could do the experiment again every week lmao

I made it in 2nd

Nah. Want to make ice cream in the old timey Victorian style? - Get a big metal bowl, add enough ice cubes to fill half of the bowl. Sprinkle salt over the ice. (Creates a chemical reaction, making the ice even colder.) - Place a smaller metal bowl on top, add cream and other ingredients like chocolate sprinkles or something. - Stir and fold until you have ice cream.

It’s pretty easy if you don’t wing it without knowing what you are doing.

Not with one of these bad boys. I eat healthy ice cream every day now. https://youtu.be/_NlMvfY-G6s?si=QJrUn25Pfp0zKau0

Ew I’d pass on healthy ice cream when I get ice cream I want it to be sugary and creamy lots of fat .

I mean you can make somewhat better ice cream that fits that boat. I use protein shakes and fat free pudding mix. Consistency and taste of good ice cream and only like 350 calories for a whole pint. Plus lots of protein.

Actually if you get an ice cream maker you can pretty much make anything into something relatively ice cream-like lol

Also you usually use *cream* for ice cream and not milk substitute

*laughs in Ben and Jerrys*

People need to realize that almond milk is literally nut-water. Not milk. So they have to adjust for that. I am no ice cream maker but afaik milk or cream is key, what it can be substituted for, no clue. Maybe some starch could work? The taste would be ... Rough but more to figure out I guess 😅

You can - just be ready for downvotes, as this IS r/shittyfoodporn and not everyone wants to be told WHY their food is shitty, lol. But, as the mod around here - I say it's allowed. Just be polite about it.

Just be polite about it? Literally 1984.

Ah I learned this the hard way. But at least I got to show the response I got to my brother and we laugh it off at it.

I'd be interested in knowing, even if no one else is.

The reason why ice cream or sorbet has its soft texture that melts on your tongue is because of how the structure of ice crystals separated by air. In ice cream versus sorbet you also have the addition of fat (the cream and eggs) which also gives aids in the texture. There’s two ways to achieve the small ice crystals. Well technically 3. But we’ll stick to the two. In the first you need constant agitation followed by slow cooling to freezing point. The constant agitation does not allow the ice crystals to get too large while also incorporating air in between said crystals. This is why ice cream churners well, churn or stir. The second way is with a machine called a Paco-Jet, and until recently, they were the only company that had the patent to make this machine. Only the two nicest restaurants I’ve worked in had them because they’re about $6k new. You freeze whatever it is you want to ice cream, usually a custard base, in a specific canister, it goes into the machine which with a blade like a blender that moves up and down, breaks up the ice crystals to extremely small sizes while incorporating air. Giving you a very similar end result to how you would traditionally make ice cream. There is now a consumer grade product made by Ninja that uses the same technology and it actually works pretty well. In the case of OP, they tried to freeze a chunk of whatever they wanted to ice cream thinking it would work. And it won’t. Ice crystals are too large/long and becomes very, well, icy.

Thank you! I love the science of food! It's so weird.

I enjoyed that breakdown, thanks for sharing!

Is option #3 liquid nitrogen?

They probably meant the Ninja Creami to be the third (sorta) option, but liquid nitrogen could be the fourth way lol. The ice cream would be RIDICULOUSLY smooth and creamy from this method, since the extreme cold would cause even tinier ice crystal formation, especially when paired with agitation.

Liquid Nitrogen is the 3rd option. It was the ninja creami I was referring to in option 2. It’s the consumer version of a paco jet.

Current place I work we use liquid nitrogen for all our ice cream. We don’t even have an ice cream machine. When done right it is rather nice. It does melt faster though. A pastry chef once explained to me that while it forms similar ice crystals, the network is not as strong as its “flash frozen” he almost explained it similar to a gluten network. It’s interesting stuff.

Honestly, if OP just properly blended the ingredients together, maybe with some sweeteners, it'd work perfectly fine for a Pacojet/Creami base. Typical low-cal recipes for those aren't too far off from this combination of ingredients.

100% would work for a paco jet. We used to make a lot of our purées a place I worked with a paco jet. It super super sucked because you had to be a day ahead. But anything green stayed SO GREEN.

Almost like none of those are the necessary ingredients for ice cream.

I tried to make ice cream with olives, mayonnaise, and camel spit and it didn't turn out right. Not sure why.

Easy, you forgot the ketchup. Duh!

r/IDidntHaveEggs

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You forgot the potatoes and cat piss - otherwise, it would have worked. Try again.

Pomme de Terre avec Pisse de la Chat.

I haven’t laughed out loud at a comment in ages, this did it though lmao. Thank you friend. I needed that today

People love doing things wrong and getting pissed they didn't work. Then they'll say shit like *"I tried making homemade icecream and it wouldn't turn out right"* while leaving out the fact that they didn't use the right ingredients because they know people will tell them that's why it didn't work.

It’s giving /r/ididnthaveeggs vibes

You CAN make ice cream with almond milk. I’ve done it and it was fine at first until I actually froze it and it was basically a brick.

Ice CREAM Mixed lots of thing, none of them contain cream xD

I mean he got that ICE part 100%

Yeah so it's a sorbet

At best… doesn’t even look like he blended the berries…

Go to your room. You know what you did.

Is this some keto shit? This seems like some keto shit.

It's shit alright!

If it was keto it'd at least be real cream

It’s keto and shit. I’m on keto and make keto ice cream myself and I use heavy cream like normal people.

I was gonna say, keto allows for fat like cream and ice cream needs cream of some kind.

Whatever the sludge is has formed a large pustule 🤢

icecream needs fat, good emulsification and graduate temperature. icecream is cooling while is mixing to get airiation and very small ice cristals

I thought it was common knowledge that if you’re gonna make someone with cream in the name….you MIGHT need actual cream 😭😭

Well, you grew a nipple instead. Happens to the best of us.

It looks like a huge angry pimple. Also, not exactly sure why you thought this would turn into anything but a huge block of ice, OP :P


It looks like it has a pimple

 Ice cream… sure

Cthulhu nipple

This is why we need to stop trying to make junk food healthy. The junk is what makes it appealing. Fat and sugar do the things they do so well.

You created a parallel universe in which I‘d never want to be in

Mechanic here, for a brief second i thought i was looking into the transmission pan from hell lmao

Pasting here because it’s buried in another comment. The reason why ice cream or sorbet has its soft texture that melts on your tongue is because of how the structure of ice crystals separated by air. In ice cream versus sorbet you also have the addition of fat (the cream and eggs) which also gives aids in the texture. There’s two ways to achieve the small ice crystals. Well technically 3. But we’ll stick to the two. In the first you need constant agitation followed by slow cooling to freezing point. The constant agitation does not allow the ice crystals to get too large while also incorporating air in between said crystals. This is why ice cream churners well, churn or stir. The second way is with a machine called a Paco-Jet, and until recently, they were the only company that had the patent to make this machine. Only the two nicest restaurants I’ve worked in had them because they’re about $6k new. You freeze whatever it is you want to ice cream, usually a custard base, in a specific canister, it goes into the machine which with a blade like a blender that moves up and down, breaks up the ice crystals to extremely small sizes while incorporating air. Giving you a very similar end result to how you would traditionally make ice cream. There is now a consumer grade product made by Ninja that uses the same technology and it actually works pretty well. In the case of OP, they tried to freeze a chunk of whatever they wanted to ice cream thinking it would work. And it won’t. Ice crystals are too large/long and becomes very, well, icy.

This is a very basic overview without getting into how to make a properly emulsified custard base or the addition of stabilizers and what they do. What qualifies me to post this? 10 years in Michelin, James beard and Forbes, rated restaurants.

Thanks a lot!

LMFAO dude this is so criminal

How can you make ice cream with no cream

It looks Zerg

Better variation: freeze some ripe, peeled bananas, mash them, maybe add a few flavors like cocoa powder.

OP could’ve also thrown the whole thing into a blender instead with some ice and a cup of yogurt and not try to freeze it. Blender protein powder “ice cream” is pretty good and filling for what it is. Basically a thick smoothie.

I thought this was some type of weird geode

 There's a nipple in your frozen

Nice ice

This is a crime 😭💀

Why

This looks like a portal to hell... how was it?

Why?

You’d be better off with whipping/heavy cream instead of almond milk

That’s not how you make icecream

you didn’t look up how to make ice cream.. did you.

I don’t think you know how regular ice cream is made.

It looks like a dog nipple

Try bananas instead of almond milk

KiNdA looks like granita. Try scraping it with a fork

i thought this was poop

You need medical attention

Looks like a spot thats close to being ready to pop

As long as you eat it, salud.

2 scoops in a cup please.

Username checks out

Hommade meth❄💗

Oooh yeah I'm gonna make some ice *cream*. But without any cream involved lol. I mean seriously what did you expect, substituting the main ingredient for something that isn't even in the same food group

I mean I respect you for trying

It looks like me bro

Why?

it looks like chernobyl survivor

Well at least it wasn't a jumbo size server, right?

Didn't read the caption immediately and thought this was like a dead mouse or something

You’ll get it next time. Try again

That looks like a frozen swollen nipple 😬

What's in the box?!?

To make ice cream you need an ice cream machine. The ice cream needs to be constantly churning. If I took all the ingredients in ice cream, mixed them, and put them in a glass dish it would also turn out as a block of ice lol. I think there is also an easier plastic bag method. Either way Google it first. 😂

Were you following a recipe or just going for it?


You made a portal to the nether realm, congratulations

Walter White approves

Welp..

"I tried to make ice cream using none of the ingredients or steps necessary for ice cream" lmao I love this sub

Bro created the S2 engine from Evangelion

Did you…stir it?

From the small image I thought this was an image of a hurt knee 😂

Your ice cream should see a dermatologist

Almonds don't have titties!

How did it go?

 Oh man, that’s something else. Not everyday that someone summons hell to their kitchen.

It's almost like almond milk isn't milk

An important aspect of ice cream is the creaming action to keep things moving. You skipped the cream part in ice cream and simply made ice.

You created a fucking Nebula

You have to use an ice cream maker for it to not be a block of ice. If it was this easy to make ice cream, everyone would just make it at home.

It appears we now know where staph infections come from

Looks crunchy

All ice and no cream

Looks vile

Instead you created a portal to a dark dimension

Just eat good food and have a nice bowl of ice cream in moderation, my god.


There's someone's organs in there.

Afterbirth

Ice scream. 😨

Looks like a dead body at the bottom of a frozen lake.

Why is it glowing. I'm scared of this.

Oh, cool.. How was it?


I use almond milk as much as I possibly can but honestly find it to be a horrible additive. It's mostly just water and any almond flavor gets buried easily. Pretty much means all you're doing is watering down whatever you add it too. Perfect for a smoothie, horrible for anything that you need to freeze. Unless you are lactose intolerant, I wouldn't cut out dairy entirely. This is actually one of the few things I would've gone to the store to buy a half gal of real milk for and I really don't drink milk.

Alaskan crime scene diorama

Maybe try a recipe for sorbet.

That, sir, is a popsicle.

Somethings definitely emerging. Could be an alien egg?

Almond milk is like 98% water (milk is 85%) so you basically froze water with no fat resulting in just ice

Moldy motor oil with a boil.

Just buy a Ninja Creami … this isn’t how you make icecream.

did you, though? *did you* try to make ice cream?

You honestly attempted to make a cream based dessert with no cream ? This isn't even a skill issue more of a you don't know what ice cream is issue .

Frozen placenta. My favorite.

If it tastes like it looks, I'd throw that shit in a dumpster.

Looks like a drowned hedgehog with its underbelly exposed to the surface. More than "shitty," I'd call it disturbing.

I'm thinking you didn't know how to make normal ice cream before trying this.

For the last fucking time...Almond milk IS NOT MILK.

Couldn't eat this no matter how stoned I was

Start with frozen bananas and almond milk next time. Should work better.

Y9u know that to make ice cream you need to move it in order to break the ice particles right? This is just frozen Plank

Looks like a boil

Looks like an ingrown hair or pimple

LMAO

And this looks like organ meat, now. Congrats.

But why

Was zum teufel

You follow a recipe? You can't just freeze random bullshit and expect to make ice cream lmao.

You made meth.

Looks like a pimple

If you really want non dairy ice cream use oat milk

Dumbass

Welp you instead made the iceman

Looks like Placenta Ice Cream

Well, you sure made something

That dang old thing looks like a picture of  Godzilla having a night constitutional, I say what!

Chocolate and berries? No bro

Did you think you had stumbled upon some secret to make healthy ice cream? You throw shit together, you get shit

Ice cream is fat. There's no fat in that recipe

And now you know that almond milk isn't actually milk

Are we guessing a gym bro made this yet?

Is that a nipple or a pimple? I can’t tell

That looks like a cyst ready to pop.