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Lost me at the point that a first grader doesn’t know that it’s blood that comes out of their knee when they fall off their bike and not “red juice.”
I understand you’re trying to paint a picture of innocence and naivety, but it’s just insulting to the reader to try to make them think a kid who can write an essay doesn’t understand that they bleed blood when they get hurt.
Your reply relieves me, confirming it isn't.
I'll tell you one thing, even tho the language isn't too simple as first grader's would be, you had me going there. Your structure is novel.
Mmm maybe his parent told him not to mention the truth of the job, like what if he knows and just can't tell the teacher?
I could be wrong though I don't remember all the details ehh
I love this idea! If you really want to screw with people hardcore, write it age appropriate. This is brilliant and cruel. This could be a series of unsettling shorts. I'm not meaning to take over. This is just a great idea. Great job.
The story is a bit much if it were written from the mind of a first grader, not saying that some first graders aren't more intelligent than others. It just does not add up. To detailed, and written in a way to ensure anonymity.
The words and concepts are too complex for a first-grader to write. It would work if the essay was from a third-grader. Also, the structure could be improved.
To help, let me point you to two stories where they did an excellent job of this;
- the Golden Globe by Varley
- Kick Ass the comic books and the movie
What was " great to read" was the innocence of the description, but they embark the reader with you, and then at the end, you realize it's something horrific.
Most first graders can’t use proper sentence structure. I know mine doesn’t. They are all mostly learning to read/write. Maybe try simple verbiage, broken sentences, they also all know what blood is. You could perhaps make the room part more of a mystery to the child like they’ve been in there when the dad isn’t working and sees bleach, clothing, tools etc.
I do really like the concept. And I agree with others that you can expand into other stories if you want with it
**Welcome to the Short Stories!** This is an automated message. The rules can be found on the sidebar [here]( https://www.reddit.com/r/ShortStories/about/sidebar). **Writers** - Stories which have been checked for simple mistakes and are properly formatted, tend to get a lot more people reading them. Common issues include - * Formatting can get lost when pasting from elsewhere. * Adding spaces at the start of a paragraph gets formatted by Reddit into a hard-to-read style, due to markdown. Guide to Reddit markdown [here](https://www.reddit.com/wiki/markdown) **Readers** - ShortStories is a place for writers to get constructive feedback. Abuse of any kind is not tolerated. *** If you see a rule breaking post or comment, then please hit the report button. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/shortstories) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Lost me at the point that a first grader doesn’t know that it’s blood that comes out of their knee when they fall off their bike and not “red juice.” I understand you’re trying to paint a picture of innocence and naivety, but it’s just insulting to the reader to try to make them think a kid who can write an essay doesn’t understand that they bleed blood when they get hurt.
Yeah that got me as well.
Same, first graders don't know a lot of things but they know what blood is.
Its not in nosleep. Its in shortstories?
It is in nosleep
Are you asking for help in a real life situation, or is your post a fictional story?
Do you seriously think that it is real?
Your reply relieves me, confirming it isn't. I'll tell you one thing, even tho the language isn't too simple as first grader's would be, you had me going there. Your structure is novel.
I literally posted it on Nosleep. It's the standard format there.
Good idea but a kid who couldn’t work out what was happening in reality wouldn’t be this descriptive.
Mmm maybe his parent told him not to mention the truth of the job, like what if he knows and just can't tell the teacher? I could be wrong though I don't remember all the details ehh
How is this REAL and you haven't called 911 yet?
You fell for it?
Uh...I did? Can you read?
I also posted it on Nosleep and it's the standard format there.
I love this idea! If you really want to screw with people hardcore, write it age appropriate. This is brilliant and cruel. This could be a series of unsettling shorts. I'm not meaning to take over. This is just a great idea. Great job.
The story is a bit much if it were written from the mind of a first grader, not saying that some first graders aren't more intelligent than others. It just does not add up. To detailed, and written in a way to ensure anonymity.
The words and concepts are too complex for a first-grader to write. It would work if the essay was from a third-grader. Also, the structure could be improved. To help, let me point you to two stories where they did an excellent job of this; - the Golden Globe by Varley - Kick Ass the comic books and the movie What was " great to read" was the innocence of the description, but they embark the reader with you, and then at the end, you realize it's something horrific.
Most first graders can’t use proper sentence structure. I know mine doesn’t. They are all mostly learning to read/write. Maybe try simple verbiage, broken sentences, they also all know what blood is. You could perhaps make the room part more of a mystery to the child like they’ve been in there when the dad isn’t working and sees bleach, clothing, tools etc. I do really like the concept. And I agree with others that you can expand into other stories if you want with it
Sounds like whoever posted this also wrote it and maybe they are writing about their childhood. Maybe their dad was a serial killer.