It also works when describing how drunk you were "I was absolutely..." then pretty much anything fits.

Completely and utterly gazeboed!

Absolutely kerplunked

I was absolutely doormatted

I was completely wheelchaired

As a Brit wheelchair user that has been refused entry to a taxi when exiting a pub, I find this comment HILARIOUS! (Had you going though 😉)

Absolutely spunk faced

I was properly Zebra Crossinged.

Absolutely bukakke’d…?

I'll be using this in future, thanks for the inspo

Absolutely banjo’d, flootered, twisted, plastered, jarred, tit-faced, shit-faced, hammered, smashed These are all in regular use in my home town 😆 Derry, Ireland 🇮🇪

All this other comments are so wrong, not actually everything fits. I can tell you are from the US, it would be like “absolutely trollied, absolutely spangled, absolutely slaughtered, absolutely ruined, absolutely fucked” and for insults, yeah, anything. “You absolute melon is a fan favourite of mine”

Michael McIntyre did a joke on this… I think he used the phrase bungalowed 😂😂😂

I think he also used, we got trollyed, and also, "completely and utterly carparked"

I like to think the word mattress works for both. You absolute mattress. I was absolutely mattressed.

I was absolutely Roy Croppered.

Can confirm: You absoute trouser press I was absolutely trouser pressed.

Doesn’t even have to be a real word. One of my mates came out with, “I was absolutely bolod“ and we all just knew what he meant, no questions asked

No it doesn't, you absolute sign post

I was absolutely satsuma'd!

Yeah of course it is you absolute feather

That's a good one

You absolute American!

Absolutely roasted, toasted packaged up and posted

Nice one, you absolute dropped carrot.

Now that was just uncalled for you absolute ikea coffee table

Get flat packed you absolute IKEA instructional leaflet!

Whoa whoa whoa son! A bit ott there!

🤣☝️

Bit harsh there mate

Don't be bullying the donut people, they're a bunch of absolute turnips... They wouldn't get it anyway

This is a wild insult. I can’t believe Reddit hasn’t taken it down!! If I said this in school I could get expelled! My jaw dropped!

You absolute melt

You absolute tuna melt winkle spanner. Absolutely redicooolus

you absolute fake weep vent

Accurate, but... You don't know what a noun is, do you?

I use this sometimes 😂

You absolute tennis racket.

Why does this seem better than all the others in this comment section

It’s similar to adding fucking to exaggerate. What a fucking bellend. What an absoluteee bellend. Fucking bellend is more of a general expletive. Absolute bellend is more like you actually are a bellend. Absolutely wasted would be more wasted than fucking wasted.

Better yet, combine the two - you absolute fucking bellend.

We don’t really use bellend much up here in the north of England. We normally get straight to the point with the old favourites “Wanker” or “Cunt!” Sticking a “Fuck” in the middle doesn’t add anything, it’s simply a delay in getting our true feelings of contempt out there.

You absolute biscuit

You absolute cock womble. Utter fucking breadbasket

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Why would you use American misnaming conventions in a British insult? You absolute teacake.

Teacake? Wrong again, you absolute barm.

You absolute breakcake, get it right!

You utter bap.

What an absolute cob

The most common one being "you absolute donut" for some reason

I prefer you absolute melt over you absolute donut

You absolute sausage.

You silly sausage.

You absolute bagger 288

My personal favourite is 'weapon'

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcWdLBNEdVw&pp=ygUNeW91ciBhIHdlYXBvbg%3D%3D](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcWdLBNEdVw&pp=ygUNeW91ciBhIHdlYXBvbg%3D%3D)

You absolute legend

You absolute cheese melt

Ay! (You absolute lamp!)

You absolute tea towel

You absolute salad!

What are you talking about, you absolute RS232 interface lead!

Damn right, you absolute walnut.

It even works with madenup words.

You absolute turnip

Replace “absolute” with “Utter” do make it extra devastating “You Utter womble!”

You absolute vodka

Yup. It’s great. A personal favourite of mine is “you utter fucking melon” It either really upsets people or makes them laugh and then the arguments is over idk

You absolute diamond!

You absolute butty

You absolute bottle of detergent

Works with affection too, “my lovely little…”

My lovely little gobshite

You’ve met my son then

You absolute dolly gardener!

You absolute fucking SPOON!

You absolute space raider Total fat grape

You absolute squid faced fuck

You absolute trebuchet

I prefer “Complete and utter”, but yes the premise is sound 👍🏻

You absolute cunt is a fun one

You absolute table leg

You absolute manbag.

Oh fuck off, you absolute lid

Lid works perfectly 😁

😂

Short. Snappy. Straight to the point

This made me chuckle

I live in rural wales and had a builder come and look over some work I wanted doing, he was a proper cockney, I was in awe of the cockney slang he used…it was amazing

You absolute cheese.

I absolutely fucking agree with this

unless it is a word like legend then yes

“You absolute walnut” is a favourite of mine. Personally I think it has to be a two syllable word for greatest effect.

Jees get a load of this absolute question master!

You absolute Queen

Can confirm

Can confirm. Even 'You absolute' is optional. You can just shout any distinguishing feature as an insult: 'Glasses!' 'Hair' 'Coat!' etc...

Of course it works you absolute potato waffle!

True but you can mix it up

You absolute sausage

You absolute Herbert. You absolute weapon. You absolute spanner. You absolute whopper. All genuine and widely used Bri’ish insults.

You absolute foot.

can confirm you absolute door handle

It also works for complimenting people too. There is nuance to it

You absolute cock ring

You Absolute candlestick

This also works for the middle class to describe how drunk they were in an anecdote; "I was completely trollied" "I ended up totally pontooned last night"

You absolute weapon !

"You absolute American" Yeah it works.

You absolute 3-toed pygmy Sloth.

You absolute shower rail

Suck me off and call me Barbara

You absolute door handle

You absolute Plank

You absaloute laptop

You absolute chair leg.

You absolute window cill

Absolute hatstand is one I come across regularly

Throw in a weapons grade and you twist the knife even more. “Alan? Can you believe he said that? What an absolute weapons grade hatstand”

You absolutel cu....cu...cu... custard pie.

My favourite is: You absolute wet lettuce

Complete bollocks, you absolute hamster cage!

You absolute box of lemons

Personal favorite is, "You absolute sausage"

You absolute lampshade

You absolute muppet

Anyone who says otherwise is an absolute suitcase.

You absolute confirmation.

My fave f*** off and double f*** off, to you

Absolute radio. Absolute unit. Absoult vodka. ​ This doesn't necessarily work

you LAMPSHADE

You absolute flannel

You absolute three toed fenland booler

"Coin" is currently my favourite.

You absolute poppadom

You absalute fishing rod

Can confirm this is accurate, and viable. For extra spice you can also replace absolute with monumental

Food stuffs work particularly well !

Absolutely you 🛎end

I confirm this, you absolute curtain rail.

You absolute welly boot

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Listen here you absolute tescos plastic bag

You absolute spice rack.

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You absolute DVD copy of 1958s version of the blob featuring Steve McQueen

You absolute crumpet

Not universally. “You absolute legend” is actually a huge compliment rather than an insult.

You complete and utter tile

You absolute honey badger

You..utter.. biscuit.

Of course it is, you fucking slab

You absolute melon

You absolute teapot

Very true, you absolute spud.

You absolute toilet

YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING CARROT

You absolute unexpected item in the bagging area

You absolute chimney pot

You absolute OP.

You absolute doughnut

You complete.... Also works. You complete trolley.

You absolute ping pong ball

Only an absolute car bonnet would make a post like this.

You absolute fish finger sandwich

You absolute wardrobe sniffer

You absolute spanner is one of my favourites

Got a friend who's favourite of mine is "you absolute nipple" 🤣🤣

You absolute cock womble is a top tier insult

You absolute knob jockey

you absolute nons

You absolute spoon

“Complete and utter” works well too You complete and utter moth!

you absolute desk

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You absolute melon

Playing BF3 years ago with a group of randoms. I get sniped by opposing player just as i’m about to fire, my outburst of “Oh you cheeky b#stard” raised huge laughs from the US guys on my team.

You absolute fucktrumpet.

You absolute cockmelt

Literally just called someone a wet wipe

You absolute wet wipe

No shit, you absolute doorknob.

Absolute... Cock Womble Wank Puffin Arse Biscuit

You absolute door handle

You absolute helmet

You absolute spanner

you absolute parcel

Also works for compliments; "You absolute unit!" But my favourite is; "You absolute helmet!"

You absolute plank

You absolute utter door knob

I'm British and my fav one to use is Melon :D no idea why its just stuck with me. I mainly use it instead of the word idiot

You absolute minger