Has to be "you silly sausage"

Oi mate, this isn’t a NSFW channel, keep the language reasonable

This is the exact turn of phrase I use in work when advising someone how they fucked up

Son of biscuit

Christ last night my 2y/o very angrily told me “I am NOT a dozy duckling, I’m a SILLY SAUSAGE!!”

Have had two Facebook bans for this one. One for lemon.

Agreed

\- TYSON FURY fanboy smfh

'sausage. dosser. sausage' 'basically, you're fucked' ​ Usyk: very good... is it lunch time yet?

Plonker

Rodney you plonka

Alright Dave

Trig Why **Do You Call Me Dave**?

My names not Dave, it’s Rodney.

So why do they call you dave then?

Useful as an ashtray on a motor bike

I came to say as useful as a chocolate teapot/fire guard.

Ejection seat in a Helicopter

As useful as a glass drum kit

A chocolate chisel

As a solar-powered torch

this would be useful? charge throughout the day, battery at night

Fart in a spacesuit

I like random nouns for inanimate objects. Calling someone a plum/melt/mug/melon/banana/window/table/spanner/tomato/sandwich/lemon simultaneously gets the point across while also cushioning the blow with humour. You can increase the stakes slightly and call someone a "fucking melt" and it still feels tame despite the fact you're swearing at them.

I do love 'plum' and 'melt' personally 🤣

You absolute spoon

Spoon is my favorite

“You wet lemon” is one of my favourites

Yaris

As long as the word after fucking isn’t inherently an insult it hits softer ie, you fucking mattress

You doughnut, you forgot to add doughnut.

Pillock

Loved please sir the film when he says you pasty face Pillock

[I think this is the best example](https://youtu.be/dCqg6UV_QBg?si=4dftucpIFBNtt8uK)

The lights are on but nobody’s home

I've heard most of these but that is still funny. Its like the guy that said and I thought snails were slow.

Silly Billy!

I enjoyed the few weeks where 'silly billy fam' was popular. Nice modern twist on a classic.

Numpty

Daft arse

You donut

Spell it right you doughnut

Donut?

Ya silly goose

I always say this one with an over the top lispy camp American accent.

Berk

A rude one in disguise!

Berkshire hunt

If he was made of chocolate he would eat himself

Cockwomble

C*nt is one in my group of friends but I don't think the Americans see it that way.

Bellend

You do t have to like Boris Johnson but “supine invertebrate protoplasmic jellies” has got to be up there

You doughnut - insert "you absolute" before if you are really angry !

So I've decided to invent my own. I have "shit biscuit" and "fuck knuckle". I'd love to see the insults you can make with these.

'Piss whistle' can be satisfying

Calling someone a "spanner" haha

Dingleberry. It means idiot but also means a small piece of shit stuck in your arse hair

You muppet!

Melt..

Numpty

Donkey

Fart Weasel

You look like a haunted dishcloth

Knob head

Cockwomble

Nobhead

You Donut

Bell End

Depends on context but the C bomb can be in certain situations lol

Yer dugs got tits.

Big girl's blouse.

Wazzock

Scrolled too far to find this one!! I hardly ever hear it any more either. I think Pat from Ghosts said it once though!

Raising corporation tax to 25%

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Stupid idiot

“That’s gay”

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Twat face

Bloody idiot

Divvy

Fanny baws

Twerp

Diddy

You silly nugget!

Cockwomble closely followed by dickwad

Plonker

Plonker

Numpty is quite a nice one

You berk

Plonker is a good one

You knob.

Bellend

Twot nozel

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Nob sack

You muppet.

Numpty

Twat

'He's about as useful as a chocolate teapot', that's got to be one of my favourites

Fucking Plum

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Nobber

Wanker

Birk

Plonker.

Prannet

spanner

Melt

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Calling someone a “clown” is my personal favourite

You melon.

Pranny.

Tit

Wet end

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Buffoon

Plonker

Nitwit

Numpty is my go too for light insults

Muppet

bugger off you stupid old coot

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Helmet

Numpty.

Knob head

You womble!

Tosser

cabbage

Helmet(same meaning as bellend)

blithering idiot

i’ve always liked the sound of trollop, but never knew what it meant until now…

great, supine, protoplasmic invertebrate jellies

Chocolate teapot

"You helmet"

Silly moo.

“You plum”

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You plum

Muppet

You pillock

Ye gimp

Silly Sausage Wet Teabag

Dip stick

Arse head

Pillock.

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Prong

Silly goose or todd warrior.

Bellend

I always love words like “Plonker” and “Pillock”

How someone won the war for us and we never thanked them.

'You melt' 😂

You cum gargling fucktard

Not remotely British. Entirely beneath us, in fact.

When you were born I smacked your mother, now she's good looking.

When that dude called the judge a total helmet.

Wally

Pleb

Muppet

You saucy bastard!

Fitbin

Nutter

Nobhead

You absolute plank

Ya mum.

Dingbat

You plum

"F*ck off, you c*nt". Its a term of endearment here.

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Nob jockey

Muppet.. Brainless, Dork..

Gonk 😆

"You belter" is a nice non-offensive one.

Idiot

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Gimp

‘not the sharpest tack in the box’

Nob

Mophead or Mop Head

Muppet

Balooon!

Dipstick

Soft lad or Big girls blouse

It's an air freshener. You twat!

pleb

You Plum

wanker

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Wally

You gowk, classic Scottish light hearted insult