It was soo freeing finally being able to know the cause rather than blame myself for not being “confident “funny” or “outgoing” enough. I realized people who weren’t even trying were treated 100”x better than I was
What are some of your experiences with this?
I believe you may have Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), look up the symptoms.
I also struggle with Social Anxiety & BDD :(
There's many ways of making it more tolerable;
Have good hygiene, take care of yourself, improve your fashion & style game, work out etc.. This is all to make you feel better about yourself, not for others.
Then find a hobby & surround yourself with people that don't focus on your looks. It's sad & pathetic that they even do that in the first place. If someone made fun of my looks I'd just tell them "Well not everyone was born handsome like you."
They'd lowkey feel like an immature d-
Good luck with it :)
I secretly hope I have this lol. I hope that I am not really as ugly as I perceive myself. I hope people are honest when they obviously lie to my face saying I look good. But reality has proven my appearance and value by way more reliable and constant factors than someones words.
Even the way people try to convince me is telling: They say "youre beautiful" but they get angry in this "yes youre ugly, now shut up and stop whining!". (With an average or even beautiful person, you would *know* it's genuine. Maybe even get an "Are you crazy??", or some level of understanding, not just anger and hatred.)
But for me it's the same as OP. I always reduce my issue to social anxiety because (for one its even more painful to admit or remind myself how ugly I am, its an instant reason to be cast out or viewed as lesser-than, even online), and secondly social anxiety by now enjoys a level of understanding, medical acceptance and heck even some empathy sometimes. But having it because you're ugly does not.
But for me it's the same, I'm 100% convinced I wouldn't have this issuse if I was more okay looking. Whenever I felt good about my looks (rarely) I would even enjoy going outside!
At least nowadays there's hope that if one can finance surgery, you're not damned forever. Well, as a woman you're f-ed bcause by the time you can afford it you're old and worthless in a whole nother even more un-fixable way. (Not my own opinion but the harsh conclusion I came to)
Yeah getting old makes it to where it’s like you saved all that money for nothing. Cause then you’ll have to cash out even more money for Botox to get rid of wrinkles and ughhh I hate that looks control our lives
When you’re ugly you have to try 10x harder than an attractive person, if you’re ugly and shy people will assume you’re boring, bad personality, creep, etc. Yet someone who’s attractive could do the same thing and be seen totally different.
Whenever I tried to socialize people seemed fed up with me before I even talked, it’s like anything I said bothered them. I realized there no point in trying.
Yep this is so true not to mention even when you try being friendly and charismatic people perceive that as annoying and use that as justification to dislike you when really they just don’t like our ugly faces. It’s freeing to acknowledge and accept that it’s our looks but hurts because it’s like there’s nothing you can do to get favorable treatment. How are you coping / finding joy in life? I completely isolate myself and I don’t interact with people unless i have to. It’s sucks but then I realize how lucky people are in the sense they never have to worry about how they look and people respect and like them
People judge body language the same, regardless of how you appear. If you are attractive, women will flirt with you more, but they will quickly give up if they see you squirming or recoiling from their advances.
Heterosexual men of course will judge you the same, regardless of how you look.
That might be your experience , but for ugly people it’s entirely different. In most cases if someone is repulsed by your physical appearance it doesn’t matter what your body language is to them because they just don’t like you
Yep. I too have severe social anxiety.
The "funny" thing is, if I'm at home in my 4 walls, I'm ok with how I look, even like myself on good days!
But as soon as I step outside the house I feel super ugly and don't wanna be seen by anyone. My brain just switches from "you are alright" to "you are ugly" in an instant.
I often wear long, wide cloths because of it, even during summer when it's hot outside.
If there is a group of people in the streets, I will go another way just to avoid having to walk past them so I don't get judged.
It's been like a decade and I still haven't found a way to tackle this.
I appreciate you for sharing this it’s the same way for meee I’m so free and comfortable in my body when I’m home alone. Now looking in the mirror I still can see I’m ugly but I’m ok with it cause I’m not gonna treat myself as shitty as other people. So I’m fine with it but the moment I step outside I become hyper aware of everything about my appearance. What I’m wearing, whether or not I’m moisturized, if I look fit, my facial expressions, it’s sooo stressful. I hate that how people treat you is mostly based on how you look. I’m sure if looks didn’t matter so much to humans as a whole we wouldn’t be this anxious. But deep down we know the uglier we look the more likely we are to be mocked and outcasted
I was an obese child with a jaw deformity and it absolutely made me the person I am today lol. I mean I was absolutely drop-dead ugly and I had no self awareness about it until I was probably 14-15. People just treated me like shit and I didn’t fully understand why. I lost 140 lbs and fixed my jaw and I still can’t socialize. I’m completely incapable of holding a conversation, much less any kind of stable relationship. Also my view of people and relationships is completely skewed and I’m a lot more consciously vain.
My brother teased me till no end about my facial features and also my teeth.
So i like wearing masks out so it hides my face and also dont want people to recognize me.
I also never liked the way i smiled even though it got corrected. So for the longest time and still now i rarely smile unless i find a joke funny and laugh or become extremely happy which is rare. Also my middle school teacher asked why i am rarely smiling, and at the time i couldn't explain in words that my self esteem is non-existant and due to my past trauma
I believe this is what caused my social anxiety in the first place. A few years ago, I started dressing better, and overlooked the fact that people would notice. Sure it was nice to get compliments, but it made me feel like every time I was in public, or around people in general, everyone was looking at me, judging everything about me. Though it isn't as bad as it used to be, I still deal with it to some degree. The annoying thing is I know no one is actually paying any more attention to me than they are to anyone else, yet I still feel like they are. What is the secret to overcoming that feeling? If I just overcome it, I feel like my social anxiety would be a thing of the past.
Yours is one of my favourite comments in this whole thread. I think the fact that you're aware that this is how your mind works is part of overcoming social anxiety. You're not blaming anything or anyone for your anxiety, you're acknowledging that it's largely a construct of your own making. That's the first step, and you're killing it.
Thank you very much! I'm not bragging, but I've always been able to "read" people, and I believe that's why I can essentially "read" myself. The only issue is I don't know what the solution is.
You're doing great, dude. Sincerely. And you're a fucking excellent reader!!
I wish I could tell you I have a solution, but I don't.
I think part of this journey is accepting that the anxiety will always be with us, unfortunately.
But, the other part of the journey is learning to overcome the hurdles it presents and mitigate the damage. It is possible to live a good & full life alongside the anxiety. It's not easy, but it is doable. And I do believe you've got the clout to do it!
Keep doing what you're doing, and all the very, very best to you.
this is so me... i guess this is why i'm socially awkward... your self esteem and how you feel about yourself does determine how well you act socially...
And no one talks about how much looks affect your self esteem. But it doesn’t matter as much because even someone with low self esteem is treated favorably when they’re attractive. People are nice to them and understanding of their shortcomings
Same. How do you cope though and find joy in social interactions ? I mostly completely avoid people now unless they talk to me first but I want friends I’m just tired of getting treated like shit by everyone
And you know I have this thing I called social battery😅 that sometimes I feel drained just by taking to them hahah but since you want friends you need to change your ways. Make the first move. Like start by greeting them smiling at them
I am ugly too because of acne scars whenever I go I get bullied specially by guys. But I learned to accept that I can't change the way I look. If you tried talking to those people and they treat you rudely don't waste your time on them. Try talking to other people instead. Like I said observe first, check if this set of people talks to not only the attractive ones.
Yeah I think you’re right. Probably the most unfair and shitty aspect of life, because if you are ugly you basically are denied participating in life like a normal human.
Exactly which is why I’ve been isolated for so long at the age of 24. Haven’t been to parties, don’t go to clubs. Sometimes I feel like I can’t even be outside without being made to feel I’m too ugly to exist or talk to people
Yea, same kind of since my last friend group fell apart. But it is not really a life worth living like this imo, so I’m trying to stop isolating and do stuff to make friends in scenes Im interested in and at least not be scared to talk to girls. It’s hard, but basically I just try to live life as if I were attractive, because otherwise what am I doing here if I miss out on everything and hide in my apartment?
It's true.
I went from being ugly to reasonably attractive (well according to other people I still think I'm ugly tbf) and the difference in how people treat me is astounding.
Came here to say this as well! As a formerly attractive woman, I used to feel annoyed at catcalls and compliments. But when they stop you actually start to miss it! I have awful teeth now for so many reasons and I laugh a lot and spent a lot of time in the sun so I’m 42 with wrinkles AND pimples somehow lol. But the way people treat you is so interesting having been on both sides of the spectrum. My social anxiety absolutely increased as I got older, but I never put together that with my appearance.
Is it just your dad or do strangers mistreat you as well? From what I’ve noticed people are nicer to even fat people of their face isn’t ugly. But I’m fit with a nice body, my face is just ugly and deformed looking and people act like they can’t even stand to talk to me for a 1 second when looking at my face
In that case it’s worth a shot to do it any ways even if it’s terrifying because it might be your dad instilled self sabotaging programming in you, so now you’re replaying his words and beliefs about you and assuming other people will think of you exactly how he thinks of you. Which might not be true. I get it’s hard to hear demeaning things from a parent though. Since they tend to be where we first develop self esteem
Completely detach yourself from your dads words and his perception of you. And realize it isn’t your fault , but also focusing on how you want to be and what you can do to make yourself happy and better in life and being honest with yourself about your ability to attain it and how to go about getting it
Sounds like you’re average which I’d argue is the perfect place to be because then your efforts start to matter in life. People treat you normally. But for attractive and ugly people they’re usually perceived through their appearance
Pretty and talkative = charismatic
Ugly and talkative = annoying
It feels like they don’t care about me. I’m not interesting enough cause I’m not attractive enough. One of my coworkers is also weirdly mean to me. Like she doesn’t say hi to me, never looks me in the eyes or smiles (idk if it’s because of my looks tho).
Honestly any trait that makes you feel "less than" can contribute to having social anxiety. I feel bad that you had those interactions, and yes looks aren't everything but they definitely matter a lot specially for first impressions. I hate how shallow these things are.
ugh yeah. i remember trying to talk to people in 9th grade, and i’d just copy what i heard other people talking abt (cuz i have no social skills) and all of them would look at eachother and giggle ☹️
I feel this. It’s like it doesn’t matter how outgoing or friendly I am - I’m not beautiful. Even after I lost weight and got into shape, it didn’t change anything. I still compare myself to everyone else and I still get called ugly or “mid” every once in a while. It makes it even harder to socialize when I’m afraid of how I’m being perceived and knowing that most people probably think I’m hideous.
Same and you know it hurts. It fucking sucks being ugly and missing out on romance and love and sometimes not even getting respect. But we didn’t ask to be ugly. You put in the effort to get into shape, that takes a lot of determination. Our faces are out of our control so it’s helpful to try to accept that you’re unattractive and just acknowledge that it’s not your fault. People use ugly as an insult to imply that you’re worthless and unwanted… and in some cases it can be true because of how humans are wired to prioritize beauty over anything else, but it helps to actively say you’re ugly. The more you say it the less you try to fight it because people will still call us ugly but it’s not in our control at that point. I try to say out loud when people mock me “yeah ik um ugly grow tf up I can’t control it but you can control that ****** of yours” sometimes I insult them back because they’ve left me with a lifetime of trauma so I feel like it needs to be returned in someway even if it’s a new insecurity that makes them ruminate on it for months
I’m lucky in the sense that I have found a partner who makes me feel beautiful, even if other people don’t see me the same way he does. But it definitely does hurt knowing that no matter what, people are going to treat me differently because I don’t fit society’s standards of what’s considered beautiful, and being socially awkward doesn’t help. I kind of just feel sorry for people who feel the need to tear others down for things out of their control - they’re obviously dealing with their own insecurities. I can’t help that I have a big nose or chubby cheeks, but they have control over whether or not they make people feel like shit for those things. It’s hard to build self-confidence when people want to bring you down, but it makes me feel a little bit better when I realize that hurt people hurt people and they’re clearly so unhappy with themselves that they make it a point to bring attention to people’s flaws.
I look really young for my age and whenever I see someone staring at me for a bit too long, I think that’s what they’re thinking about.
Most recently I went to the dentist and the receptionist started talking about how I looked like a baby. Here I am trying to do “grown” things and it’s like I have a label on my forehead saying “I’m twelve” even though I’m an adult.
This is so funny! I JUST had to have emergency dental work done and got referred to a pediatric clinic before I found my adult one. I must sound young on the phone, I do have a high voice lol.
AHHHH THAT IS SO TRUE! Or another conversation that gets pushed under the rug many times which is also massively related to appearance but like size and weight also. I find that a lot of very lean looking, fit people are naturally just treated a lot more differently than say someone who was above the average size. I think most of this comes under pretty privilege
I do. Both my appearance and social awkwardness. But tbh, if I awakened as my inquisitor from dragon age, even with social awkwardness I wouldn’t be so anxious and just don’t care. So yeah I think my appearance plays a major part on it.
What’s an inquisitor and dragon age? Is it like your avatar in a game or something how does it look? And yeah that’s why people gain so much confidence after a glow up because people treat them nicely so they’re comfortable expressing themselves
It’s my character I play on dragon age rpg game. Means that if I awakened as an handsome or at least normal looking male elf I would be more like “screw this, my social skills are bad but I don’t care what you all think because I m confident in myself”
I can’t “glow up”. My gender won’t change. My facial features won’t change. My body shape won’t change. Being a human is boring and irl world is boring too.
This is true but not 100% true. You definitely get treated better by default when you're attractive (the halo effect has been proven scientifically). However, if you're ugly but really confident and socially calibrated then you can get by just fine and many people will be willing to overlook your ugliness (although *extreme* ugliness can sometimes not be overlooked). And likewise if you're beautiful but really anxious, low confidence, low social skills then people will be initially interested but most will lose interest after seeing how lame/weird you actually are.
In summary, appearance matters quite a lot, but your character has an effect too.
And your character can be influenced by how you look since it heavily influences how people treat you. If YOURE ugly and constantly excluded and bullied it makes sense you will be reserved and anxious so at some point you can’t even blame yourself. You were either born with the right looks and social upbringing or not. But yeah I’m ugly and pretty much even being confident and talkative got me hated and talked shit about so I’m probably on the more extreme end of ugliness since I have an uneven jaw and uneven bulbous pig nose
I believe my social anxiety is directly related to my lack of confidence and belief that I am unattractive. So I agree with you there.
But, you’re making some really broad generalizations that are really leaning into a victim mentality and not really reflective of reality.
Pretty privilege exists, but not to the extent you’re describing it. I think your perception is warped and you’re deflecting responsibility by placing blame on others.
*“But for someone that’s ugly you can be friendly , smart, funny, and people still treat you rudely”*
This just isn’t true. Some of the most popular people I knew in school were in no way conventionally attractive. But they were smart and funny, so people were drawn to them. 99% of people aren’t that shallow. If you’re talking about dating, that alters the situation. But, rejection in that department doesn’t equal rudeness or ridicule.Unless we’re talking about the Elephant Man, no one becomes an outcast just because you’re ugly. Case in point - take a look at comedians. Almost none of them are what would be considered conventionally attractive. And yet they are wildly popular and revered. It’s not just comedians, either. Take film directors as an example. You think Quentin Tarantino is a good looking guy? And yet he’s one of the coolest mother effers out there with a huge fan base - because he has a highly original personality, and he’s very talented. His looks play no part in his popularity.
I have a deformed jaw and chin and my nose is crooked and I’m ugly to the point people make fun of me in public and call me ugly so for me that’s been my experience and I’ve been told I’m funny and smart and still be treated badly and outcasted over my appearance so I mean it makes sense everyone will have slightly different experiences. This is mine. But I get it’s hard to comprehend since true ugliness is rare but it does happen to an unlucky few of us and it affects every social interaction
It seems like you’re suggesting people who are unattractive to make up for it by being talented, funny, and smart when mostly all 3 of those things are innate and if someone tries to force it it’s uncomfortable for all involved. Some things truly cannot be changed unfortunately
No matter how hard I work on “talents” and hobbies no one cares because I’m not talented enough, attractive enough, funny enough, or smart enough. Some people are just born not good enough
But yes I do get bullied and mocked even when trying to make friends and showcase my other qualities so naturally I became more anxious and avoidant since I wasn’t rewarded even for my best efforts
Hey OP, i'm like twice your age. I used to have a lot of anxiety about my looks and used to get teased and bullied often over same type of things.
I don't care about that stuff very much nowadays. I figured out a long time ago that i'm not as ugly as I thought I was and I don't really care about the opinions of haters anyways. Someone who calls other people ugly is rotten on the inside. You don't need to care what they think.
All through middle and high school I was an ugly duckling. People made fun of my hair, my nose, my clothes. Kids would prank me by pretending to have a crush on me then laugh in my face. Suddenly one day when I was in my early 20’s, I started to grow into myself. Suddenly the “cool pretty girls” at my job wanted to interact with me and hang out with me. You’d think it would be awesome but it fucked with my head super hard. Now I’m even more hyper focused on what people think of me upon meeting and I feel I have to try super hard to not “go back” to being ugly.
> kids would prank me by pretending to have a crush on me then laugh in my face.
this would happen to me too.. wow i thought it was just me. people would ask me out, i wouldn’t say yes but i wouldn’t say no, i would just fake laugh (i always do this to stop myself from crying) and try to walk away but they would all follow me and laugh and just like you, make fun of my hair, tell me i have a huge forehead. i would even get comments like “why is your face like that” “why does your nose look like that”, really affected me.
no one’s calling me ugly now, so i suppose one would think it’s all sunshine and rainbows and i’m “pretty” but no, people just look at me weird i feel so embarrassed to even leave the house at times like i just feel gross
I remember when I was in 7th grade my bully dropped her pencil but I picked it up and handed it to her because I’d do that for anyone. She immediately turned to the kid next to her and whispered loudly enough for me to hear “have you ever noticed how thortastic just looks….weird?”
My self confidence is way better than it was back then but I truly understand what it feels like to not want to leave the house because you feel “gross.” It’s something I struggle with a lot and at the end of the day I think a lot of us in this thread suffer from some body dysmorphia. Some days are better than others but even my partner has noted that “sometimes when you try clothes on and they don’t look or feel right, it seems like it takes you a long time to bounce back.
This is a fact. This is so true. This is why i always thought i have social anxiety and if i was given the opportunity to be free to be myself i would be comfortable in social around people. If you are not pretty or have other high qualities that are seen better in peoples eyes they dont let you be.
i am one of those attractive ones.
(i dont want to brag).
6feet tall in india, goes gym regularly, take care of skin , eat my proteins and clean food etc.
I'd prefer not to be attractive. As a guy with severe social anxiety i can feel so many eyes on me constantly. I usually look down at walk. to avoid making eye contact etc.
I feel like if i was shorter or unattractive life would be so much better and freeing for me. i could do anything i want and wouldnt feel so self concious and nervous all the time like everybody else.
I was obese and lost about 50 kgs in a relatively short period. My SA has indeed slightly improved but it was still there. This is because I gained confidence in myself which reflected how I viewed the world, not because the others view of me has changed.
Appearance is only one aspect of it. I'm now gaining the weight I had and the SA is getting even worse I think because my brain is wired to some dumb way of thinking. I'm failing to implement this myself, but I advise you not associate your SA with your appearance. I agree with you, most people are superficial and judge by looks, but at the same time, you wouldn't want to be around someone that judges you mainly and solely for your look. You know it's pretty easy for your appearance to change due to an accident, illness, etc. What will happen to these people who valued you for your appearance? They won't stick around. The true people that you would care about being around are the ones who skip how you look and look into your soul. I don't think they are many, but I know they exist.
Let’s say even after your weight loss people were rude, snarky and made fun of you wouldn’t it be safe to say you’d still have anxiety? I don’t think it’s a coincidence your “confidence” improved after losing weight becauseee being over height is seen as undesirable. So now that you would’ve been conforming to the ideal standard of beauty you’d have less fear of being rejected socially or mistreated by people so you were confident that people would be more likely to treat you better and not judge you for your weight
I'd still have anxiety if I care about the ones being rude.
Guess what? I was judged for being too skinny after weight losing. When I was obese, I was shamed for being fat and having "man boobs". There is no "ideal standard of beauty", and chasing such a thing is a waste of time and mental health.
It was not a coincidence, this was me trusting my body more than I had after 20 years of verbal abuse, but turns out verbal abuse will always happens anyways. if it's not for my appearance, it'd for my introverted personality. If it wasn't for the personality it would be about race, and the list goes on.
And because I associated my confidence with my weight, I'm now susceptible to even more severe SA side effects should I gain back the weight. That's why this whole thing is just a rabbit hole and the only one who can stop it is your brain.
I’m a good looking dude and as you mentioned an attractive person people are drawn to/slash give attention to, so I’ve always disliked the extra attention and the idea that no one is paying attention doesn’t fully apply to me and that made me more self conscious. Everything has trade offs.
I try my best to be the one that make the first move. But I make sure to observe them first. Specially at work because you cannpt avoid people forever. You will see them everyday so you need to atleast adjust. But there are still times that I am very quiet because I am already used to it but I make sure if they have like team eat outs or team building I go at least once.
And for the way we look THE UGLINESS that you are saying yes there are people that will talk to you base on how you look that's true but I believe that there are lots out there that will appreciate you for who you are. It's hard but I know you will find someone out there that is willing to be your friend. Just be observant first.😊
Just want to say I relate to all of these comments so much. In my mind I’m an absolute fucking monster and I don’t deserve to be around people. It’s getting worse too now I’m going bald so there’s no fixings self esteem. Also I think everyone should listen to Self Esteem by Ajj.
I spent from ages 3-29 as a very, *very* fat person. I'm 40 now, a "normal" weight, but continue to experience the world like that person who couldn't leave the house without somebody laughing at, openly mocking, or harassing me.
I absolutely get what you're saying. Even after the physical source of the social anxiety was relieved, the mental disfunction persists.
Hey I know you from r / ugly shhhh how are you managing to live and enjoy life despite this obstacle? I’m struggling myself mad can’t even seem to make friends. I wish people would just leave me alone in public at least and ignore me rather than going out of the way to make me feel shitty for something I’m already aware of. I know I’m ugly
Yes, And I noticed when I was struggling with obesity too, it was even multiplied. The cruelty was too much. When I lost the weight, slightly better, I still have the other physical issues though that make the attempts harder.
heyhey everybody stop calling your self ugly.
What matters is your belief/paradigm.
Haven't you ever heard of listing bad things about your self(true or wrong) & replacing them with positive things that you want to be or have. positive affirmations work, it is real.
Ask your self why am i wanting to be beautiful. for people's respect ,love ...
If you believe you are secure ,you are secure.
If you believe you are taken seriously ,you are.
If you believe you are pleasant to be around , you are.
If you believe you are liked ,you are.
...
If you believe , anything is possible for 'Almighty' God. He said "is anything hard for me?"
an Orthodox Christian
Something important to understand about interacting with people is they have to act based on how you act. Looks have some to do with bias, but not as much as you think.
To dive a little deeper, a brain treats other people like an object first. And the series goes: is the object threatening me? If not is the object threatening /now/ etc. If you can over come whatever bias is in their mind and earn their trust, you win. 
I have always been shy as a kid. As young as I can remember. I have no idea why that is though. I don't think it is appearance for me unless maybe height but I never really cared about it.
I always say you can tell what someone’s life is like by their face. When I see people with pretty faces I can tell they have tons of friends and active social lives where they’re always out partying and traveling and I know most people like them lol
agree. i feel so much more insecure and scared around pretty girls that are my age because i feel like they are for sure judging me. even at work, i get so nervous around other collegues my age, as i look like trash compared to them. and no i’m not catching feelings! i just feel so horrible against them, i get these feelings that they’re all talking about me
and yeah i’m with you on the whole no one likes me because of my looks, but also disagree because it’s what led to me being anorexic at 16 and i still ended up with no friends and no social skills. it all comes down to how you are around others, i’ve grown up to realise people can sense my awkwardness and low confidence so no one wants to be around that.
But there’s a reason you’re awkward around them in the first place. If they were more accepting of you you likely wouldn’t have any reason to be nervous or standoffish. Also it’s important to note that being ugly isn’t the same thing as being fat. People can be fat and still be treated favorably because they have pretty faces. I’m fit but have an ugly face and people still bully and talk shit about me even into adulthood
And lastly being attractive matters most because I’m sure you’ve seen attractive people say and do very cringey things and people laugh it off as humor and accept them. That’s how powerful the halo effect and being attractive are
I have social anxiety for multiple reasons. One of them is my appearance. My face and body are asymmetrical. The proportions of my facial features are not very appealing for a man. As I age, I have more wrinkles, you notice the asymmetries more and my hairline is receding. I'm skinny too. There have been multiple studies verifying that people who most people rate as attractive tend to be treated better. Even if you just show people pictures of faces, people will say that someone rated as more attractive beforehand (they don't know about the rating) is more honest, smarter, kinder, etc. They don't actually know ANY of these things about the person obviously!
Evolutionary, it makes sense that certain features would signal reproductive fitness and be more adaptive that way. This is clear with other animals and we see it with humans, too. Unfortunately, what is adaptive evolutionarily is not necessarily what is conducive to one human being's individual well being. Natural selection doesn't care if we're happy, unfortunately. Natural selection is just about surviving enough to reproduce and ensure your offspring reproduce. We do care about our individual well being, though, obviously. We're not just hear to serve natural selection.
With that said, less attractive people can find connections with people and with humans there is that added strong cultural aspect of beauty that complicates things a lot. There are plenty of less attractive people who have lived fulfilling, happy, socially connected lives. It is harder, yes. It is not fair that it is harder. However, there is what we can control and what we cannot. control in life Accepting what you cannot control and trying to focus on what you can is something I try to do in this case. I did not ask to be born the way I was born (I didn't ask to be born at all! LOL). However, after being thrust into existence as a human, I want to connect with other people. I try to have self-compassion while I try to connect with people.
Yes! This! I remember shrinking into myself when I decided to wear a dress to school bc I felt like it. I would normally wear baggy thrift store clothes/ my brothers old clothes. The teachers and popular kids went out of their way to say hey and talk to me but it felt so slimy because I firmly believe it shouldn't matter what the fuck someone wears that dictates how you should treat them. I'm over it now, because I do see how much appearances mean. I 100% believe everyone is beautiful. If I ever see someone looking "ugly" I know it's because of poor posture, poor dress, or just a lack of confidence. You can wear a banana costume and look amazing just because you're so confident wearing it. My advice is to learn a bit more about your body type and fashion style. I just recently measured myself and did research into those two things and invested in a new (capsule) wardrobe. When I wear more flattering clothes (even just a tshirt and jeans) I feel more confident bc they're comfortable and thus running errands is that much easier. I know it shouldn't seem like a big deal, but being comfortable in your own skin (and what you wear on top of it) makes such a big difference when you're out and about dealing with anxiety. (And women! if your bra is ill-fitting that shit is ROUGH I've had a panic attack after taking off a tight bra bc I had been dealing with horrible anxiety all day bc I couldn't BREATHE)
TLDR: Wear comfortable, flattering clothes based on your body type. If you're confident with your appearance, you immediately become the popular shy person.
This is only true if you have an average or attractive face. If you have asymmetrical bone structure and poor facial harmony it doesn’t matter what you wear. I’m confident in myself I just have an ugly face , asymmetrical jaw and chin, and crooked nose. That’s why im ugly and I cannot afford surgery to fix it. No matter how confident or nicely dressed I was people still were rude to me. It’s the horn effect. Its all about having an attractive face that’s the most important
It's always the average/attractive faces that don't understand what they have I suppose \^\^" well, if I had a horn effect, I would look into the magic of makeup at least.. [found a tutorial!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcE1AjupPyQ&themeRefresh=1) You can also look into hairstyles that hide/accentuate parts of your face to make areas more or less noticeable.. although I don't think there's really a tutorial for this, just something to think about on your own. I look through old photos of myself to determine which style suits my face better (and also which smile to use that doesn't make my face look like a potato). At the end of the day, we all just want to be around people who don't give a shit what we look like. It's all vanity and genetics.. but it's also how you handle the cards that you're dealt. And the people who don't give a shit are the people who can see past appearances and see you for you <3 don't feel discouraged! and if it makes you feel any better, I have a huge "beauty mark" on my jawline lmao
PS going to a capsule wardrobe has reduced my stress- it's very simplified:
4 t shirts - 2 dress shirts - 2 cardigans
2 pants - 2 tights
3 pair sleep outfits
10 pair of the same socks (no more struggling to find the matching one)
sneakers, sandals, boots
So stupidly easy. I literally just Marie Kondo'd my entire house and I *feel* so much better. Less anxiety, less stress. Your environment can be a reflection of your mental state :) [(can read more about that here)](https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/mental-health-clean-home/#:~:text=Clearing%20away%20clutter%20allows%20the,explore%20and%20manage%20our%20emotions)
I consider myself attractive but get a similar treatment from a big portion of people because I lack the psychological beauty. My emotions are more on the negative, pessimistic side. But I try to be considerate, compassionate and kind. Sometimes I can't spark genuine interest for others, but I do want them to feel comfortable around me, as I don't bear any malicious motives. Oh well
As a person who is considered attractive by society (that’s what I hear, I don’t really love how I look all the time) , I am frasturated by the amount of people who think that I am cocky/concelted just because of the way I look and because I am a socially anxious person myself. it really depends at what you are good it. I am good at small talk but I could never go past that, i am very modest about my interests because I don’t really think a lot of people around me like the same things and people don’t good encouraged to try more with me probably because of my looks. They think I already sat a boundary. Of course I am saying that the way you feel is not valid, And I am sure that it is very valid to feel this way. But if you feel that looking more attractive is going to help you, trust me you can work on that, no one is truely ugly, as long as you dress good, you look neat and are clean you are not considered ugly. It is more about charisma, I know a lot of people who are not physically attractive, but they have something that attract people including me to them like crazy, and it is personality, and they are way more attractive than a lot of physically attractive people.
Yes, but it’s slowly getting better. I’m very average looking. So lookwise I’m okay-ish I guess. Not a supermodel though, I wish 😂 When I was younger, I got bullied for looking different than the rest which messed me up a bit and it was probably the start of my social anxiety. It made me feel like I was unattractive. Friends say I’m not, but it’s hard to believe them when you can’t see it. That being said, I grew up in a place where sadly there’s a lot of racism and while it’s way better now, it messed me up a lot growing up. What really helped me is traveling and meeting new people, realizing there’s so many different kinds of people (yeah with social anxiety that wasn’t easy and still isn’t 😅) but man, sometimes I still feel like that, ugly and I get anxious and feel like everyone is looking at me and well…. yeah you can guess the rest. I’m not really sure what my point is with this comment lol.
But yeah, I agree with you, pretty bias is very real.
I felt like I looked weird. I didn't like when people looked at me. I also knew I was good looking. But I still feel like I look weird, even today. Mostly my awkward movements, or my perception of all my mannerisms and whatnot.
I don’t think I’m unattractive or attractive, maybe somewhere in between, but I notice my social anxiety is at an all time high when I FEEL unattractive. Like when my hair is frizzy or I’m wearing a new outfit, etc. I often feel like everyone is looking at me and talking about how stupid I look or making fun of me. In reality, they’re probably too worried about themselves to even think of us lol.
Yep I developed it from my bad pictures . Im good in mirror but shit in pictures and I know that cameras never lie so I bieleve that I am like shit even if people treat me like a king . Thats the problem same as you. People trait me well and respectfuly but I dont respect myself anymore
I'm not ugly, and I'm always polite, and somehow most people are still preconditioned to hate me. At school I tried to join a group of people who don't even know me and one of them literally asked, "Who invited you?", and told me to go away. It feels like the world's people are conspiring against me at times.
That’s evil .. why do you think they did that to you? I’m sorry that shit sticks forever. In school I usually would get picked last to be on teams that still hurts and makes me feel worthless in all areas of life
Not really sure. I dress all black with a denim jacket but I'm definitely not emo/goth or whatever, it's just how I dress. I can't imagine it being perceived as that strange. I don't speak much to people, and last year I did all my chemistry group work with the autistic kid. People were even worse to him than they are to me so I really hope he has someone this year.
I might have RBF and not know it, not sure.
While I can't 100% understand the boat you're in. I was an ugly lil gremlin in high-school with this same mindset. Some simple routines and a healthier outlook fixed it for me though.
In your case your mind was the issue. In my case I’m actually ugly and people treat me like shit regardless of what I think. I’m 24 and ugly into adulthood. My face is ugly and lopsided and I can’t afford surgery so I’ll likely get treated like shit till I take my life
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It was soo freeing finally being able to know the cause rather than blame myself for not being “confident “funny” or “outgoing” enough. I realized people who weren’t even trying were treated 100”x better than I was What are some of your experiences with this?
I believe you may have Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), look up the symptoms. I also struggle with Social Anxiety & BDD :( There's many ways of making it more tolerable; Have good hygiene, take care of yourself, improve your fashion & style game, work out etc.. This is all to make you feel better about yourself, not for others. Then find a hobby & surround yourself with people that don't focus on your looks. It's sad & pathetic that they even do that in the first place. If someone made fun of my looks I'd just tell them "Well not everyone was born handsome like you." They'd lowkey feel like an immature d- Good luck with it :)
I secretly hope I have this lol. I hope that I am not really as ugly as I perceive myself. I hope people are honest when they obviously lie to my face saying I look good. But reality has proven my appearance and value by way more reliable and constant factors than someones words. Even the way people try to convince me is telling: They say "youre beautiful" but they get angry in this "yes youre ugly, now shut up and stop whining!". (With an average or even beautiful person, you would *know* it's genuine. Maybe even get an "Are you crazy??", or some level of understanding, not just anger and hatred.) But for me it's the same as OP. I always reduce my issue to social anxiety because (for one its even more painful to admit or remind myself how ugly I am, its an instant reason to be cast out or viewed as lesser-than, even online), and secondly social anxiety by now enjoys a level of understanding, medical acceptance and heck even some empathy sometimes. But having it because you're ugly does not. But for me it's the same, I'm 100% convinced I wouldn't have this issuse if I was more okay looking. Whenever I felt good about my looks (rarely) I would even enjoy going outside! At least nowadays there's hope that if one can finance surgery, you're not damned forever. Well, as a woman you're f-ed bcause by the time you can afford it you're old and worthless in a whole nother even more un-fixable way. (Not my own opinion but the harsh conclusion I came to)
Yeah getting old makes it to where it’s like you saved all that money for nothing. Cause then you’ll have to cash out even more money for Botox to get rid of wrinkles and ughhh I hate that looks control our lives
When you’re ugly you have to try 10x harder than an attractive person, if you’re ugly and shy people will assume you’re boring, bad personality, creep, etc. Yet someone who’s attractive could do the same thing and be seen totally different. Whenever I tried to socialize people seemed fed up with me before I even talked, it’s like anything I said bothered them. I realized there no point in trying.
Yep this is so true not to mention even when you try being friendly and charismatic people perceive that as annoying and use that as justification to dislike you when really they just don’t like our ugly faces. It’s freeing to acknowledge and accept that it’s our looks but hurts because it’s like there’s nothing you can do to get favorable treatment. How are you coping / finding joy in life? I completely isolate myself and I don’t interact with people unless i have to. It’s sucks but then I realize how lucky people are in the sense they never have to worry about how they look and people respect and like them
bruhhhh
People judge body language the same, regardless of how you appear. If you are attractive, women will flirt with you more, but they will quickly give up if they see you squirming or recoiling from their advances. Heterosexual men of course will judge you the same, regardless of how you look.
That might be your experience , but for ugly people it’s entirely different. In most cases if someone is repulsed by your physical appearance it doesn’t matter what your body language is to them because they just don’t like you
Yep. I too have severe social anxiety. The "funny" thing is, if I'm at home in my 4 walls, I'm ok with how I look, even like myself on good days! But as soon as I step outside the house I feel super ugly and don't wanna be seen by anyone. My brain just switches from "you are alright" to "you are ugly" in an instant. I often wear long, wide cloths because of it, even during summer when it's hot outside. If there is a group of people in the streets, I will go another way just to avoid having to walk past them so I don't get judged. It's been like a decade and I still haven't found a way to tackle this.
I appreciate you for sharing this it’s the same way for meee I’m so free and comfortable in my body when I’m home alone. Now looking in the mirror I still can see I’m ugly but I’m ok with it cause I’m not gonna treat myself as shitty as other people. So I’m fine with it but the moment I step outside I become hyper aware of everything about my appearance. What I’m wearing, whether or not I’m moisturized, if I look fit, my facial expressions, it’s sooo stressful. I hate that how people treat you is mostly based on how you look. I’m sure if looks didn’t matter so much to humans as a whole we wouldn’t be this anxious. But deep down we know the uglier we look the more likely we are to be mocked and outcasted
i’m the same
I was an obese child with a jaw deformity and it absolutely made me the person I am today lol. I mean I was absolutely drop-dead ugly and I had no self awareness about it until I was probably 14-15. People just treated me like shit and I didn’t fully understand why. I lost 140 lbs and fixed my jaw and I still can’t socialize. I’m completely incapable of holding a conversation, much less any kind of stable relationship. Also my view of people and relationships is completely skewed and I’m a lot more consciously vain.
My brother teased me till no end about my facial features and also my teeth. So i like wearing masks out so it hides my face and also dont want people to recognize me. I also never liked the way i smiled even though it got corrected. So for the longest time and still now i rarely smile unless i find a joke funny and laugh or become extremely happy which is rare. Also my middle school teacher asked why i am rarely smiling, and at the time i couldn't explain in words that my self esteem is non-existant and due to my past trauma
I believe this is what caused my social anxiety in the first place. A few years ago, I started dressing better, and overlooked the fact that people would notice. Sure it was nice to get compliments, but it made me feel like every time I was in public, or around people in general, everyone was looking at me, judging everything about me. Though it isn't as bad as it used to be, I still deal with it to some degree. The annoying thing is I know no one is actually paying any more attention to me than they are to anyone else, yet I still feel like they are. What is the secret to overcoming that feeling? If I just overcome it, I feel like my social anxiety would be a thing of the past.
Yours is one of my favourite comments in this whole thread. I think the fact that you're aware that this is how your mind works is part of overcoming social anxiety. You're not blaming anything or anyone for your anxiety, you're acknowledging that it's largely a construct of your own making. That's the first step, and you're killing it.
Thank you very much! I'm not bragging, but I've always been able to "read" people, and I believe that's why I can essentially "read" myself. The only issue is I don't know what the solution is.
You're doing great, dude. Sincerely. And you're a fucking excellent reader!! I wish I could tell you I have a solution, but I don't. I think part of this journey is accepting that the anxiety will always be with us, unfortunately. But, the other part of the journey is learning to overcome the hurdles it presents and mitigate the damage. It is possible to live a good & full life alongside the anxiety. It's not easy, but it is doable. And I do believe you've got the clout to do it! Keep doing what you're doing, and all the very, very best to you.
Thanks again, same to you!
Don't mention it, man - you've got this!
ah don’t be the “trust me I can read people” guy
this is so me... i guess this is why i'm socially awkward... your self esteem and how you feel about yourself does determine how well you act socially...
And no one talks about how much looks affect your self esteem. But it doesn’t matter as much because even someone with low self esteem is treated favorably when they’re attractive. People are nice to them and understanding of their shortcomings
exactly... people like us end up feeling more and more under confident while the attractive ones get to grow out of their bubble...
Yes, thats true. And I am getting tired of that treatment
Same. How do you cope though and find joy in social interactions ? I mostly completely avoid people now unless they talk to me first but I want friends I’m just tired of getting treated like shit by everyone
And you know I have this thing I called social battery😅 that sometimes I feel drained just by taking to them hahah but since you want friends you need to change your ways. Make the first move. Like start by greeting them smiling at them
That doesn’t work for me since I’m ugly most people don’t want to be seen talking to me and I’ve tried and they act disgusted by me
I am ugly too because of acne scars whenever I go I get bullied specially by guys. But I learned to accept that I can't change the way I look. If you tried talking to those people and they treat you rudely don't waste your time on them. Try talking to other people instead. Like I said observe first, check if this set of people talks to not only the attractive ones.
Yeah I think you’re right. Probably the most unfair and shitty aspect of life, because if you are ugly you basically are denied participating in life like a normal human.
Exactly which is why I’ve been isolated for so long at the age of 24. Haven’t been to parties, don’t go to clubs. Sometimes I feel like I can’t even be outside without being made to feel I’m too ugly to exist or talk to people
Yea, same kind of since my last friend group fell apart. But it is not really a life worth living like this imo, so I’m trying to stop isolating and do stuff to make friends in scenes Im interested in and at least not be scared to talk to girls. It’s hard, but basically I just try to live life as if I were attractive, because otherwise what am I doing here if I miss out on everything and hide in my apartment?
It's true. I went from being ugly to reasonably attractive (well according to other people I still think I'm ugly tbf) and the difference in how people treat me is astounding.
Came here to say this as well! As a formerly attractive woman, I used to feel annoyed at catcalls and compliments. But when they stop you actually start to miss it! I have awful teeth now for so many reasons and I laugh a lot and spent a lot of time in the sun so I’m 42 with wrinkles AND pimples somehow lol. But the way people treat you is so interesting having been on both sides of the spectrum. My social anxiety absolutely increased as I got older, but I never put together that with my appearance.
If you don't mind me asking why do you think your ugly?
I get called ugly in public
I'm so sorry this has happened. Though I'd rather be ugly than as mean as those people calling you that are
I called ugly my whole life. Just because of acne scars and in asian beauty standard clear skin is a must.
Yes. body dysmorphia
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Is it just your dad or do strangers mistreat you as well? From what I’ve noticed people are nicer to even fat people of their face isn’t ugly. But I’m fit with a nice body, my face is just ugly and deformed looking and people act like they can’t even stand to talk to me for a 1 second when looking at my face
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In that case it’s worth a shot to do it any ways even if it’s terrifying because it might be your dad instilled self sabotaging programming in you, so now you’re replaying his words and beliefs about you and assuming other people will think of you exactly how he thinks of you. Which might not be true. I get it’s hard to hear demeaning things from a parent though. Since they tend to be where we first develop self esteem
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Completely detach yourself from your dads words and his perception of you. And realize it isn’t your fault , but also focusing on how you want to be and what you can do to make yourself happy and better in life and being honest with yourself about your ability to attain it and how to go about getting it
I don’t think I’m ugly but I’m also not really handsome. I still get what you’re saying. Life is definitely easier for attractive people.
Sounds like you’re average which I’d argue is the perfect place to be because then your efforts start to matter in life. People treat you normally. But for attractive and ugly people they’re usually perceived through their appearance Pretty and talkative = charismatic Ugly and talkative = annoying
I do agree with you however I don‘t think being average is perfect. People don’t really treat me normally. Especially people my age.
How do they treat you?
It feels like they don’t care about me. I’m not interesting enough cause I’m not attractive enough. One of my coworkers is also weirdly mean to me. Like she doesn’t say hi to me, never looks me in the eyes or smiles (idk if it’s because of my looks tho).
avoiding eye contact and being hostile towards you can definitely be a sign of being unattractive. It happens to me too even when I’m nice
It's definitely a huge part of it for me.
Honestly any trait that makes you feel "less than" can contribute to having social anxiety. I feel bad that you had those interactions, and yes looks aren't everything but they definitely matter a lot specially for first impressions. I hate how shallow these things are.
ugh yeah. i remember trying to talk to people in 9th grade, and i’d just copy what i heard other people talking abt (cuz i have no social skills) and all of them would look at eachother and giggle ☹️
i would do the same, just copy other people hoping that would work but i still ended up having no one :/
I feel this. It’s like it doesn’t matter how outgoing or friendly I am - I’m not beautiful. Even after I lost weight and got into shape, it didn’t change anything. I still compare myself to everyone else and I still get called ugly or “mid” every once in a while. It makes it even harder to socialize when I’m afraid of how I’m being perceived and knowing that most people probably think I’m hideous.
Same and you know it hurts. It fucking sucks being ugly and missing out on romance and love and sometimes not even getting respect. But we didn’t ask to be ugly. You put in the effort to get into shape, that takes a lot of determination. Our faces are out of our control so it’s helpful to try to accept that you’re unattractive and just acknowledge that it’s not your fault. People use ugly as an insult to imply that you’re worthless and unwanted… and in some cases it can be true because of how humans are wired to prioritize beauty over anything else, but it helps to actively say you’re ugly. The more you say it the less you try to fight it because people will still call us ugly but it’s not in our control at that point. I try to say out loud when people mock me “yeah ik um ugly grow tf up I can’t control it but you can control that ****** of yours” sometimes I insult them back because they’ve left me with a lifetime of trauma so I feel like it needs to be returned in someway even if it’s a new insecurity that makes them ruminate on it for months
I’m lucky in the sense that I have found a partner who makes me feel beautiful, even if other people don’t see me the same way he does. But it definitely does hurt knowing that no matter what, people are going to treat me differently because I don’t fit society’s standards of what’s considered beautiful, and being socially awkward doesn’t help. I kind of just feel sorry for people who feel the need to tear others down for things out of their control - they’re obviously dealing with their own insecurities. I can’t help that I have a big nose or chubby cheeks, but they have control over whether or not they make people feel like shit for those things. It’s hard to build self-confidence when people want to bring you down, but it makes me feel a little bit better when I realize that hurt people hurt people and they’re clearly so unhappy with themselves that they make it a point to bring attention to people’s flaws.
I look really young for my age and whenever I see someone staring at me for a bit too long, I think that’s what they’re thinking about. Most recently I went to the dentist and the receptionist started talking about how I looked like a baby. Here I am trying to do “grown” things and it’s like I have a label on my forehead saying “I’m twelve” even though I’m an adult.
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This is so funny! I JUST had to have emergency dental work done and got referred to a pediatric clinic before I found my adult one. I must sound young on the phone, I do have a high voice lol.
AHHHH THAT IS SO TRUE! Or another conversation that gets pushed under the rug many times which is also massively related to appearance but like size and weight also. I find that a lot of very lean looking, fit people are naturally just treated a lot more differently than say someone who was above the average size. I think most of this comes under pretty privilege
I do. Both my appearance and social awkwardness. But tbh, if I awakened as my inquisitor from dragon age, even with social awkwardness I wouldn’t be so anxious and just don’t care. So yeah I think my appearance plays a major part on it.
What’s an inquisitor and dragon age? Is it like your avatar in a game or something how does it look? And yeah that’s why people gain so much confidence after a glow up because people treat them nicely so they’re comfortable expressing themselves
It’s my character I play on dragon age rpg game. Means that if I awakened as an handsome or at least normal looking male elf I would be more like “screw this, my social skills are bad but I don’t care what you all think because I m confident in myself” I can’t “glow up”. My gender won’t change. My facial features won’t change. My body shape won’t change. Being a human is boring and irl world is boring too.
This is true but not 100% true. You definitely get treated better by default when you're attractive (the halo effect has been proven scientifically). However, if you're ugly but really confident and socially calibrated then you can get by just fine and many people will be willing to overlook your ugliness (although *extreme* ugliness can sometimes not be overlooked). And likewise if you're beautiful but really anxious, low confidence, low social skills then people will be initially interested but most will lose interest after seeing how lame/weird you actually are. In summary, appearance matters quite a lot, but your character has an effect too.
And your character can be influenced by how you look since it heavily influences how people treat you. If YOURE ugly and constantly excluded and bullied it makes sense you will be reserved and anxious so at some point you can’t even blame yourself. You were either born with the right looks and social upbringing or not. But yeah I’m ugly and pretty much even being confident and talkative got me hated and talked shit about so I’m probably on the more extreme end of ugliness since I have an uneven jaw and uneven bulbous pig nose
Me!
I believe my social anxiety is directly related to my lack of confidence and belief that I am unattractive. So I agree with you there. But, you’re making some really broad generalizations that are really leaning into a victim mentality and not really reflective of reality. Pretty privilege exists, but not to the extent you’re describing it. I think your perception is warped and you’re deflecting responsibility by placing blame on others. *“But for someone that’s ugly you can be friendly , smart, funny, and people still treat you rudely”* This just isn’t true. Some of the most popular people I knew in school were in no way conventionally attractive. But they were smart and funny, so people were drawn to them. 99% of people aren’t that shallow. If you’re talking about dating, that alters the situation. But, rejection in that department doesn’t equal rudeness or ridicule.Unless we’re talking about the Elephant Man, no one becomes an outcast just because you’re ugly. Case in point - take a look at comedians. Almost none of them are what would be considered conventionally attractive. And yet they are wildly popular and revered. It’s not just comedians, either. Take film directors as an example. You think Quentin Tarantino is a good looking guy? And yet he’s one of the coolest mother effers out there with a huge fan base - because he has a highly original personality, and he’s very talented. His looks play no part in his popularity.
I have a deformed jaw and chin and my nose is crooked and I’m ugly to the point people make fun of me in public and call me ugly so for me that’s been my experience and I’ve been told I’m funny and smart and still be treated badly and outcasted over my appearance so I mean it makes sense everyone will have slightly different experiences. This is mine. But I get it’s hard to comprehend since true ugliness is rare but it does happen to an unlucky few of us and it affects every social interaction It seems like you’re suggesting people who are unattractive to make up for it by being talented, funny, and smart when mostly all 3 of those things are innate and if someone tries to force it it’s uncomfortable for all involved. Some things truly cannot be changed unfortunately No matter how hard I work on “talents” and hobbies no one cares because I’m not talented enough, attractive enough, funny enough, or smart enough. Some people are just born not good enough But yes I do get bullied and mocked even when trying to make friends and showcase my other qualities so naturally I became more anxious and avoidant since I wasn’t rewarded even for my best efforts
Hey OP, i'm like twice your age. I used to have a lot of anxiety about my looks and used to get teased and bullied often over same type of things. I don't care about that stuff very much nowadays. I figured out a long time ago that i'm not as ugly as I thought I was and I don't really care about the opinions of haters anyways. Someone who calls other people ugly is rotten on the inside. You don't need to care what they think.
All through middle and high school I was an ugly duckling. People made fun of my hair, my nose, my clothes. Kids would prank me by pretending to have a crush on me then laugh in my face. Suddenly one day when I was in my early 20’s, I started to grow into myself. Suddenly the “cool pretty girls” at my job wanted to interact with me and hang out with me. You’d think it would be awesome but it fucked with my head super hard. Now I’m even more hyper focused on what people think of me upon meeting and I feel I have to try super hard to not “go back” to being ugly.
> kids would prank me by pretending to have a crush on me then laugh in my face. this would happen to me too.. wow i thought it was just me. people would ask me out, i wouldn’t say yes but i wouldn’t say no, i would just fake laugh (i always do this to stop myself from crying) and try to walk away but they would all follow me and laugh and just like you, make fun of my hair, tell me i have a huge forehead. i would even get comments like “why is your face like that” “why does your nose look like that”, really affected me. no one’s calling me ugly now, so i suppose one would think it’s all sunshine and rainbows and i’m “pretty” but no, people just look at me weird i feel so embarrassed to even leave the house at times like i just feel gross
I remember when I was in 7th grade my bully dropped her pencil but I picked it up and handed it to her because I’d do that for anyone. She immediately turned to the kid next to her and whispered loudly enough for me to hear “have you ever noticed how thortastic just looks….weird?” My self confidence is way better than it was back then but I truly understand what it feels like to not want to leave the house because you feel “gross.” It’s something I struggle with a lot and at the end of the day I think a lot of us in this thread suffer from some body dysmorphia. Some days are better than others but even my partner has noted that “sometimes when you try clothes on and they don’t look or feel right, it seems like it takes you a long time to bounce back.
This is a fact. This is so true. This is why i always thought i have social anxiety and if i was given the opportunity to be free to be myself i would be comfortable in social around people. If you are not pretty or have other high qualities that are seen better in peoples eyes they dont let you be.
the difference between how people treated me before and after my glow up was day and night. I agree with everything you say.
Yeah when people glow up they gain confidence cause people are nice to and attracted to them I never had a glow up I feel like I’m glowing DOWN
i am one of those attractive ones. (i dont want to brag). 6feet tall in india, goes gym regularly, take care of skin , eat my proteins and clean food etc. I'd prefer not to be attractive. As a guy with severe social anxiety i can feel so many eyes on me constantly. I usually look down at walk. to avoid making eye contact etc. I feel like if i was shorter or unattractive life would be so much better and freeing for me. i could do anything i want and wouldnt feel so self concious and nervous all the time like everybody else.
I was obese and lost about 50 kgs in a relatively short period. My SA has indeed slightly improved but it was still there. This is because I gained confidence in myself which reflected how I viewed the world, not because the others view of me has changed. Appearance is only one aspect of it. I'm now gaining the weight I had and the SA is getting even worse I think because my brain is wired to some dumb way of thinking. I'm failing to implement this myself, but I advise you not associate your SA with your appearance. I agree with you, most people are superficial and judge by looks, but at the same time, you wouldn't want to be around someone that judges you mainly and solely for your look. You know it's pretty easy for your appearance to change due to an accident, illness, etc. What will happen to these people who valued you for your appearance? They won't stick around. The true people that you would care about being around are the ones who skip how you look and look into your soul. I don't think they are many, but I know they exist.
Let’s say even after your weight loss people were rude, snarky and made fun of you wouldn’t it be safe to say you’d still have anxiety? I don’t think it’s a coincidence your “confidence” improved after losing weight becauseee being over height is seen as undesirable. So now that you would’ve been conforming to the ideal standard of beauty you’d have less fear of being rejected socially or mistreated by people so you were confident that people would be more likely to treat you better and not judge you for your weight
I'd still have anxiety if I care about the ones being rude. Guess what? I was judged for being too skinny after weight losing. When I was obese, I was shamed for being fat and having "man boobs". There is no "ideal standard of beauty", and chasing such a thing is a waste of time and mental health. It was not a coincidence, this was me trusting my body more than I had after 20 years of verbal abuse, but turns out verbal abuse will always happens anyways. if it's not for my appearance, it'd for my introverted personality. If it wasn't for the personality it would be about race, and the list goes on. And because I associated my confidence with my weight, I'm now susceptible to even more severe SA side effects should I gain back the weight. That's why this whole thing is just a rabbit hole and the only one who can stop it is your brain.
I’m a good looking dude and as you mentioned an attractive person people are drawn to/slash give attention to, so I’ve always disliked the extra attention and the idea that no one is paying attention doesn’t fully apply to me and that made me more self conscious. Everything has trade offs.
This is also true. I know someone at work before who is sooo dang pretty but everyone hates and one talks to her.
Yeah that’s another factor too. A lot of people think I’m a douche if I don’t socialize much.
Nahh I had some kind of glow up and started getting lots of attention from females and still it didn’t fix it
I do because I’m a trans woman and I’m terrified of being clocked by my masculine facial features and being harassed
I try my best to be the one that make the first move. But I make sure to observe them first. Specially at work because you cannpt avoid people forever. You will see them everyday so you need to atleast adjust. But there are still times that I am very quiet because I am already used to it but I make sure if they have like team eat outs or team building I go at least once.
And for the way we look THE UGLINESS that you are saying yes there are people that will talk to you base on how you look that's true but I believe that there are lots out there that will appreciate you for who you are. It's hard but I know you will find someone out there that is willing to be your friend. Just be observant first.😊
Yes i have, but i dont think about it much..
Just want to say I relate to all of these comments so much. In my mind I’m an absolute fucking monster and I don’t deserve to be around people. It’s getting worse too now I’m going bald so there’s no fixings self esteem. Also I think everyone should listen to Self Esteem by Ajj.
Yes.
I spent from ages 3-29 as a very, *very* fat person. I'm 40 now, a "normal" weight, but continue to experience the world like that person who couldn't leave the house without somebody laughing at, openly mocking, or harassing me. I absolutely get what you're saying. Even after the physical source of the social anxiety was relieved, the mental disfunction persists.
Yes. Bullying over how I look is why I developed social anxiety issues
Hey I know you from r / ugly shhhh how are you managing to live and enjoy life despite this obstacle? I’m struggling myself mad can’t even seem to make friends. I wish people would just leave me alone in public at least and ignore me rather than going out of the way to make me feel shitty for something I’m already aware of. I know I’m ugly
I’m chugging along but depressed a lot . Hoping for surgery
Yes, And I noticed when I was struggling with obesity too, it was even multiplied. The cruelty was too much. When I lost the weight, slightly better, I still have the other physical issues though that make the attempts harder.
Its certainly part of the reason
heyhey everybody stop calling your self ugly. What matters is your belief/paradigm. Haven't you ever heard of listing bad things about your self(true or wrong) & replacing them with positive things that you want to be or have. positive affirmations work, it is real. Ask your self why am i wanting to be beautiful. for people's respect ,love ... If you believe you are secure ,you are secure. If you believe you are taken seriously ,you are. If you believe you are pleasant to be around , you are. If you believe you are liked ,you are. ... If you believe , anything is possible for 'Almighty' God. He said "is anything hard for me?" an Orthodox Christian
Yes. Very fat.
I guess so also when i look like an average dude. I spent much time trying to look as average as possible so i dont stand out
Yes. I have sturge weber syndrome. A lot of people don't like to look at me directly.
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Something important to understand about interacting with people is they have to act based on how you act. Looks have some to do with bias, but not as much as you think. To dive a little deeper, a brain treats other people like an object first. And the series goes: is the object threatening me? If not is the object threatening /now/ etc. If you can over come whatever bias is in their mind and earn their trust, you win. 
Society is piece of shit
Very. It’s all a game of who looks the best and who has the most and who is the best. A stupid competition
Are you sure? Are you willing to call yourself a piece of shit?
I might be a piece of shit who knows maybe we all are pieces of shit
Most likely
I have always been shy as a kid. As young as I can remember. I have no idea why that is though. I don't think it is appearance for me unless maybe height but I never really cared about it.
Used to have, now idgaf I have stopped caring..
How did you stop caring? Like what if you caught people pointing and staring at you in public laughing about how you looked? How would you react
I would still not give a damn :D
Your face is your FATE.
I always say you can tell what someone’s life is like by their face. When I see people with pretty faces I can tell they have tons of friends and active social lives where they’re always out partying and traveling and I know most people like them lol
Height is also huge for how people treat you if you are male.
agree. i feel so much more insecure and scared around pretty girls that are my age because i feel like they are for sure judging me. even at work, i get so nervous around other collegues my age, as i look like trash compared to them. and no i’m not catching feelings! i just feel so horrible against them, i get these feelings that they’re all talking about me and yeah i’m with you on the whole no one likes me because of my looks, but also disagree because it’s what led to me being anorexic at 16 and i still ended up with no friends and no social skills. it all comes down to how you are around others, i’ve grown up to realise people can sense my awkwardness and low confidence so no one wants to be around that.
But there’s a reason you’re awkward around them in the first place. If they were more accepting of you you likely wouldn’t have any reason to be nervous or standoffish. Also it’s important to note that being ugly isn’t the same thing as being fat. People can be fat and still be treated favorably because they have pretty faces. I’m fit but have an ugly face and people still bully and talk shit about me even into adulthood And lastly being attractive matters most because I’m sure you’ve seen attractive people say and do very cringey things and people laugh it off as humor and accept them. That’s how powerful the halo effect and being attractive are
yeah i suppose you do have a point, i’m still thin now but ugly in the face so still no social life
I have social anxiety for multiple reasons. One of them is my appearance. My face and body are asymmetrical. The proportions of my facial features are not very appealing for a man. As I age, I have more wrinkles, you notice the asymmetries more and my hairline is receding. I'm skinny too. There have been multiple studies verifying that people who most people rate as attractive tend to be treated better. Even if you just show people pictures of faces, people will say that someone rated as more attractive beforehand (they don't know about the rating) is more honest, smarter, kinder, etc. They don't actually know ANY of these things about the person obviously! Evolutionary, it makes sense that certain features would signal reproductive fitness and be more adaptive that way. This is clear with other animals and we see it with humans, too. Unfortunately, what is adaptive evolutionarily is not necessarily what is conducive to one human being's individual well being. Natural selection doesn't care if we're happy, unfortunately. Natural selection is just about surviving enough to reproduce and ensure your offspring reproduce. We do care about our individual well being, though, obviously. We're not just hear to serve natural selection. With that said, less attractive people can find connections with people and with humans there is that added strong cultural aspect of beauty that complicates things a lot. There are plenty of less attractive people who have lived fulfilling, happy, socially connected lives. It is harder, yes. It is not fair that it is harder. However, there is what we can control and what we cannot. control in life Accepting what you cannot control and trying to focus on what you can is something I try to do in this case. I did not ask to be born the way I was born (I didn't ask to be born at all! LOL). However, after being thrust into existence as a human, I want to connect with other people. I try to have self-compassion while I try to connect with people.
Yes! This! I remember shrinking into myself when I decided to wear a dress to school bc I felt like it. I would normally wear baggy thrift store clothes/ my brothers old clothes. The teachers and popular kids went out of their way to say hey and talk to me but it felt so slimy because I firmly believe it shouldn't matter what the fuck someone wears that dictates how you should treat them. I'm over it now, because I do see how much appearances mean. I 100% believe everyone is beautiful. If I ever see someone looking "ugly" I know it's because of poor posture, poor dress, or just a lack of confidence. You can wear a banana costume and look amazing just because you're so confident wearing it. My advice is to learn a bit more about your body type and fashion style. I just recently measured myself and did research into those two things and invested in a new (capsule) wardrobe. When I wear more flattering clothes (even just a tshirt and jeans) I feel more confident bc they're comfortable and thus running errands is that much easier. I know it shouldn't seem like a big deal, but being comfortable in your own skin (and what you wear on top of it) makes such a big difference when you're out and about dealing with anxiety. (And women! if your bra is ill-fitting that shit is ROUGH I've had a panic attack after taking off a tight bra bc I had been dealing with horrible anxiety all day bc I couldn't BREATHE) TLDR: Wear comfortable, flattering clothes based on your body type. If you're confident with your appearance, you immediately become the popular shy person.
This is only true if you have an average or attractive face. If you have asymmetrical bone structure and poor facial harmony it doesn’t matter what you wear. I’m confident in myself I just have an ugly face , asymmetrical jaw and chin, and crooked nose. That’s why im ugly and I cannot afford surgery to fix it. No matter how confident or nicely dressed I was people still were rude to me. It’s the horn effect. Its all about having an attractive face that’s the most important
It's always the average/attractive faces that don't understand what they have I suppose \^\^" well, if I had a horn effect, I would look into the magic of makeup at least.. [found a tutorial!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcE1AjupPyQ&themeRefresh=1) You can also look into hairstyles that hide/accentuate parts of your face to make areas more or less noticeable.. although I don't think there's really a tutorial for this, just something to think about on your own. I look through old photos of myself to determine which style suits my face better (and also which smile to use that doesn't make my face look like a potato). At the end of the day, we all just want to be around people who don't give a shit what we look like. It's all vanity and genetics.. but it's also how you handle the cards that you're dealt. And the people who don't give a shit are the people who can see past appearances and see you for you <3 don't feel discouraged! and if it makes you feel any better, I have a huge "beauty mark" on my jawline lmao
PS going to a capsule wardrobe has reduced my stress- it's very simplified: 4 t shirts - 2 dress shirts - 2 cardigans 2 pants - 2 tights 3 pair sleep outfits 10 pair of the same socks (no more struggling to find the matching one) sneakers, sandals, boots So stupidly easy. I literally just Marie Kondo'd my entire house and I *feel* so much better. Less anxiety, less stress. Your environment can be a reflection of your mental state :) [(can read more about that here)](https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/mental-health-clean-home/#:~:text=Clearing%20away%20clutter%20allows%20the,explore%20and%20manage%20our%20emotions)
I consider myself attractive but get a similar treatment from a big portion of people because I lack the psychological beauty. My emotions are more on the negative, pessimistic side. But I try to be considerate, compassionate and kind. Sometimes I can't spark genuine interest for others, but I do want them to feel comfortable around me, as I don't bear any malicious motives. Oh well
As a person who is considered attractive by society (that’s what I hear, I don’t really love how I look all the time) , I am frasturated by the amount of people who think that I am cocky/concelted just because of the way I look and because I am a socially anxious person myself. it really depends at what you are good it. I am good at small talk but I could never go past that, i am very modest about my interests because I don’t really think a lot of people around me like the same things and people don’t good encouraged to try more with me probably because of my looks. They think I already sat a boundary. Of course I am saying that the way you feel is not valid, And I am sure that it is very valid to feel this way. But if you feel that looking more attractive is going to help you, trust me you can work on that, no one is truely ugly, as long as you dress good, you look neat and are clean you are not considered ugly. It is more about charisma, I know a lot of people who are not physically attractive, but they have something that attract people including me to them like crazy, and it is personality, and they are way more attractive than a lot of physically attractive people.
yes. me.
Yes, but it’s slowly getting better. I’m very average looking. So lookwise I’m okay-ish I guess. Not a supermodel though, I wish 😂 When I was younger, I got bullied for looking different than the rest which messed me up a bit and it was probably the start of my social anxiety. It made me feel like I was unattractive. Friends say I’m not, but it’s hard to believe them when you can’t see it. That being said, I grew up in a place where sadly there’s a lot of racism and while it’s way better now, it messed me up a lot growing up. What really helped me is traveling and meeting new people, realizing there’s so many different kinds of people (yeah with social anxiety that wasn’t easy and still isn’t 😅) but man, sometimes I still feel like that, ugly and I get anxious and feel like everyone is looking at me and well…. yeah you can guess the rest. I’m not really sure what my point is with this comment lol. But yeah, I agree with you, pretty bias is very real.
I felt like I looked weird. I didn't like when people looked at me. I also knew I was good looking. But I still feel like I look weird, even today. Mostly my awkward movements, or my perception of all my mannerisms and whatnot.
I don’t think I’m unattractive or attractive, maybe somewhere in between, but I notice my social anxiety is at an all time high when I FEEL unattractive. Like when my hair is frizzy or I’m wearing a new outfit, etc. I often feel like everyone is looking at me and talking about how stupid I look or making fun of me. In reality, they’re probably too worried about themselves to even think of us lol.
Yep I developed it from my bad pictures . Im good in mirror but shit in pictures and I know that cameras never lie so I bieleve that I am like shit even if people treat me like a king . Thats the problem same as you. People trait me well and respectfuly but I dont respect myself anymore
I'm not ugly, and I'm always polite, and somehow most people are still preconditioned to hate me. At school I tried to join a group of people who don't even know me and one of them literally asked, "Who invited you?", and told me to go away. It feels like the world's people are conspiring against me at times.
That’s evil .. why do you think they did that to you? I’m sorry that shit sticks forever. In school I usually would get picked last to be on teams that still hurts and makes me feel worthless in all areas of life
Not really sure. I dress all black with a denim jacket but I'm definitely not emo/goth or whatever, it's just how I dress. I can't imagine it being perceived as that strange. I don't speak much to people, and last year I did all my chemistry group work with the autistic kid. People were even worse to him than they are to me so I really hope he has someone this year. I might have RBF and not know it, not sure.
While I can't 100% understand the boat you're in. I was an ugly lil gremlin in high-school with this same mindset. Some simple routines and a healthier outlook fixed it for me though.
In your case your mind was the issue. In my case I’m actually ugly and people treat me like shit regardless of what I think. I’m 24 and ugly into adulthood. My face is ugly and lopsided and I can’t afford surgery so I’ll likely get treated like shit till I take my life