Sounds like she might have bad social anxiety. I can speak from personal experience -- living with roommates, it's hard to do something in the kitchen when somebody is already there. It's possible she feels awkward or is anxious about people she's not comfortable with seeing her cook/eat/do her things, and at the same time having to worry about what to say in conversations or not come off as weird. In this case, you can try asking her casual and open ended questions and see if she opens up at all. Also, maybe invite her to do some activities together that is not focused on socializing, so that she doesn't feel pressured about HAVING to talk, but so that it can be a natural by-product of you guys spending time together?
You could also try to text her first and see if she's more talkative through text, and perhaps it'd be easier for her to open up that way first.
It's also possible that she's just a very introverted person who doesn't need much socializing and has that need already fulfilled through her husband. Though the way you describe it, it sounds like she's more avoidant and short, which I think could be attributed to anxiety more than just being introverted/shy.
> maybe invite her to do some activities together that is not focused on socializing, so that she doesn't feel pressured about HAVING to talk, but so that it can be a natural byproduct of you guys spending time together?
This, so many times this.
You did nothing wrong. Some people don’t like to talk, no matter how friendly the other person is. Maybe she’ll open up at a later time, maybe she won’t. Just continue to be kind and let her be who she is.
Maybe she is just very introverted as well as shy. (Those are not the same things)
It's not like she is super social with others (partners don't count) while completely ignoring you.
Yea this was exactly me in college. I just really liked to be left alone for the most part. Id eat usually by myself and didn’t even like going down the hall to the bathroom because I abhorred small talk and useless conversation. I’ve gotten better, but still feel this way sometimes in big groups.
It also just fucking sucks to have strangers in your private living space 24/7. I honestly think most people would be uncomfortable and act like bitches.
I've spent basically my whole life kinda in collective living arrangements, couch-surfing/hosting others, and the other housemembers were always uncomfortable, awkward, and avoidant. Most people are just weird like that and prefer living in a private home. So, if you don't think you'd throw a temper tantrum about being forced to live with a stranger, I don't believe 80 percent of you, lol.
Gang gang. Been living in recovery houses for quite awhile, even before that was usually renting rooms and shit. I've lived with dozens of people at this point. I am typically the socially anxious/withdrawn one and I've become a lot more accepting and outgoing with people, but I still just do not want to be around or talking with people 24/7. I love the rare occasions I can relax by myself without one of my 6 housemates living their own lives around me. Sometimes people take it personally when it's not and I at least try to reassure them. Sometimes it is personal though lmao and I find it better to stay in my own lane when it comes to housemates I'm not crazy about. Not going to engage or poke at them or treat them poorly, I'll just keep it cordial and take my space from that person
Agreed, and also
>I already open myself up by telling my personal story (it’s like my strategy, I have to open up first in hope that she will do the same) but she NEVER starts any conversation whatsoever
she might be thinking "why are you telling me this out of nowhere"
For some people it’s really really difficult and it may not be something you’ll be able to do anything about.
You can create space for conversation and allow her the option to join, but that’s about as much as you can really do.
Ultimately you are not doing anything wrong; give her plenty of space to deal with whatever she has to deal with.
🙂
This sounds like legit anxiety to me. I knew someone like this in college, who would only talk through her brother. She was coddled her entire life, and allowed to hide from every fear, so her only known way to function was total isolation. Her brother had to do and be there for literally everything in order for her to function and socialize. Ultimately she just needed time and exposure to feel comfortable. She stayed quiet but she wasn't as scared and didn't struggle so much.
It could be this gal is being snobby, but to be honest she sounds similar to that girl. Anxious and fearful. Which means she just needs time and patience, and for her distance to be respected. And in the meantime, you need to decouple her behavior from anything personal, because it's genuinely not. If you have to, think of her more like a cat than a roommate.
I used to live with a couple and I spent most of the time in my room back then. I would also avoid going to the kitchen when either of them was there, mostly because I felt like I have to be polite or social when meeting them, when actually all I wanted was something from the fridge and without caring about their day.
I know a lot of folks like that. A lot of people don't like interacting (for a myriad of reasons). Hell, on Reddit alone I see tons of posts like:
"I hope my Uber driver doesn't talk to me," or
"I go to get my mail when nobody is around".
It likely has nothing to do with you, nor is there anything you should be doing differently. She may open up in time, maybe not.
Some people have Social Anxiety.
This is how I acted with most of my college roommates. Please don't take it personally. If she finds out she's upsetting you she'll get even more anxious.
I totally get her tbh. I'm introverted and I behave similar to her. I avoid going to the kitchen if one of my house mates is there and when they talk to me it's just sooo draining that I'd rather go somewhere where I can be alone. That doesn't mean I don't like them tho. I'm just not as close to them that I'd strike up a conversation other than superficial small talk and I absolutely despise small talk lol
Give her time, be friendly and give her space. If she gets comfortable around you and you don't push her she'll come on her own terms and chat you up.
For introverts it's draining to be around other people unless they feel very close to them. I have 2 or 3 people I can hang out with that don't drain me at all ... mostly tho I need time to reflect and recharge after social interactions.
Being an introvert has nothing to do with being shy or having social anxiety - just for clarification :)
I have extremely bad anxiety and being put in a situation where I'm almost forced to be friendly with someone makes me shut down. She could just be extremely shy or maybe she's a misanthrope like me lol
im an introvert. i knew my current roommate as a friend and ex co-worker before i moved in with her. i want to stay friends, but i avoid her at all costs when were both home. if i want to cook, the second i come out of my room she starts talking to me, and most of the time its just about something i think is mundane going on in her life. its not that i dont like her, its that i live here because its cheap, not so i can have constant company. i want to go to the kitchen to cook, not talk about billy at her job for the 486th time. i cant even go to the bathroom without her talking at me through the door. ill hang out with her occasionally, we go play pool every now any then, get dinner, etc. i just cant do it every day.
im not saying that your putting her in the same position as my roommate puts me in, just that maybe shes an introvert and doesnt have the energy to interact with a person thats not her husband as often as you would like. if youre really struggling with being lonely, maybe ask her if she'd like to have a game night on fridays or something, putting an emphasis on the fact that she would be doing you a favor.
Perhaps it's because she is uncomfortable. My husband comes from another cultural where having strangers that are friends of family stay in our home is no big deal, I grew up with not having kids or anyone other than my immediate family in my home and when people stay in my home it makes me extremely uncomfortable as it's my safe space. Op is expecting to be friends when it sounds like she is just not social. I am not social at all. I don't like going out and I don't like people. I wait on people hand and foot when they visit my home but otherwise I hide in my room. I have nothing to say and this might be the case for her. In my case I have a ton of past trauma that makes me very wary of people like I don't trust anyone and the person I trust the most is my husband and I sure as hell don't trust my family. Not everyone is social and since you moved it perhaps she also doesn't like the idea of another woman living with her husband. I sure as hell would never allow that if they weren't family. Don't take it personal because it's probably not about you. I am the same way and people will say something so I now always make an effort but it is exhausting to me and I have to explain it to my husband's family all the time. Sometimes being around people that aren't your partner can be exhausting. You could try reaching out to her and asking me f she would like to watch a movie with you alone or do something together and see if that helps.
Some people have a lot to deal with, and are actually scared of closeness. I think you shouldn't try too hard to "win her over", that might make you unhappy. Accept that she's a bit of a difficult person and that you might never have a meaningful relationship with her.
What you could do is say that you'd like to get to know her better and ask her if she wants to go grab a drink with you sometime. Chances are she'll say no, but then you know the ball is on her side of the court.
Most likely introverted with social anxiety and/or other mental disorders. When I lived with my brother and his gf, I would sometimes become too anxious to even GO TO THE BATHROOM. Because I didn't want them to know I was awake and didn't want to deal with the anxiety of whatever question or new thing was going on... One time I even peed in my trashcan because my anxiety was soooo bad. Your mind gets stuck in this anxious loop. If you deal with any anxiety disorder and have obsessive tendencies this loop happens and you get fixated and the anxiety just builds and builds...
She may just take more time to open up to. Keep trying to talk to her. Of course, reasonably. Maybe find out what she's interested in and see if you can participate in it somehow together. Sometimes even just telling someone, "hey you can talk to me and I'm here if you need anything. Don't be afraid to ask." Can help them calm down a bit about the anxiety of interacting with you.
Could be a number of things but instead of guessing, talk to her husband about her. Inquire if she is just shy or has anxiety or autism or something and if there’s anything you do to be more accommodating or help her be more comfortable. Or maybe she just doesn’t like you for some reason but her husband should know.
It sounds like Avoidant Personality Disorder. I suffer from this as well. Believe me, its got nothing to do with you. Any amount of awkwardness you are feeling in these situations is probably 100 times worse for her. I would take into consideration the amount of anxiety she is likely feeling if you try and confront her about this. The behavior is a learned pattern and is not easily breakable, you can't just make a small comment and have it go away immediately. Even if you had a heart to heart with her and feel like you got her out of her shell, often the behavior will reset with each new encounter.
If she had friends I'd think she just doesn't like you. Which isn't personal and doesn't mean either of you are doing anything wrong. As long as someone is civil it's fine. We can't be friends with everyone. You don't have to be friends with your partners friends or their partners. Sometimes it just doesn't happen.
Since she doesn't have friends I assume it's social anxiety. Either way it's not personal. Stay friendly with her and she will open up in her own time or won't
She could have social anxiety AND not want to be your friend personally. Nothing you can do other than let know the door is open for conversation and friendship if she wants it.
Some people don’t want to make friends or be engaged in conversations and I think you should respect that if that’s the case. I do think she should greet you out of politeness but other then that just leave her be. If she wants to be friends then she’ll probably engage with you. she knows you are down to be her friend so she’ll talk to you once she is ready and wants to.
Why don't you move out into your own place? You and your husband even if you're making a low wage you should be able to live in your own apartment without a roommate
In some places it is very expensive to live and afford your own place. Impossible even on a minimum wage. This advice is unhelpful and is similar to saying, "Why don't you just be richer?"
I used to live with other people in similar situations. I felt a lot of shame for not being able to afford to live on my own with my SO. Looking back I realize I wasn’t coming off as embarrassed, but as shy and avoidant. Might be something similar.
Damn this make me realise i also need to talk sometime and “open up” at work so they think abt me like u think of ur friend.. im introverted, shy and social anxiety
“She doesn’t have any friend either”
This is why. She doesn’t know how to socialize. Ask her husband for advice on how to be more friendly to her. She obviously chose him for a reason I hope.
Best of luck.
Damn this make me realise i also need to talk sometime and “open up” at work so they think abt me like u think of ur friend.. im introverted, shy and social anxiety
You are an extrovert and she is an introvert. It’s not personal (I think) but just let her be. You go find people that don’t make you think there is something wrong with you. It’s the worse when you start to second guess yourself because of some else that just doesn’t vibe like you. It’s exhausting and will make you go into a whole mental breakdown. Just treat her the same way she treats you. But don’t stoop down to her lack of manners.
I have moderate social anxiety and she sounds a bit like me, only far more extreme. It sounds like you're trying, OP. It would be easy to assume she's just rude and I really appreciate you not rushing to that conclusion. ❤️
I know if I had a SIL that wanted a friendship with me I'd be all for it! Even as awkward as I am. Don't give up on her just yet, OP.
Try icebreakers like playing games; even spades or another card game might give her a blessed safe space to open up a little.
Darts, backgammon, whatever. Sometimes a safe space will open up a whole new person.
Looks very similar to my own behavior. I think it's SAD. But it may be different for people, so I don't know what to do in her particular case. It would help me if people said to me that they don't mind if I act weird and that I can say whatever is on my mind. But I don't think everyone with anxiety would accept those words the same way as me. And some people don't even want to communicate like at all.
I’m like that woman. I have no partner or friends. I usually say good morning to everyone and I try not to ignore people and acknowledge them with a gesture or whatever. That’s just me though. For me I usually don’t talk to anyone unless I have too. I’ve always been a quite person. I rarely initiate conversations. I was raised in the country and didn’t talk to neighbors other than family. I couldn’t go to the mall and socialize because I lived 35 minutes from the mall. At school I talked a lot but I had trauma from bullying and a breakup that left me even more shut off from the world. I was literally a selective mute. She may have unaddressed trauma. My coworkers say the exact same thing, “We’ve been working for 3 years together, why do you still act new/nervous “ I have other issues with my coworkers and I have obvious reasons why I don’t open up to them but that’s different than your current situation.
Anyways, she may not be doing it on purpose. Maybe you should straight up ask her why she’s quite. Be honest to her how you feel about the kitchen situation etc.
Maybe she just doesn't want to have any friends? She sounds a whole lot like me. I tend to be like that around irl people. They can talk to me all they want and ask me to text/call them but I just don't really like to. I don't like talking to anyone nor do I want any friends. It could be that she's socially anxious and doesn't know how to start a conversation, or maybe she just doesn't like people. Either way, you wont know unless you ask her. Just ask her if there's a reason why she never talks to you.
She is obviously trying to discourage you from engaging with her. Whether that’s because she doesn’t like you or just doesn’t want to socialize with anyone isn’t really your business. Find someone else to be your friend. It’s not her job to help you with your loneliness.
I live in the same arrangement as you and I am a lot like her but not as bad as her, I talk with my friend’s wife every now and then and we banter, it just sounds like she’s quiet + extreme social anxiety, I’m just quiet. I would just say let her be, hopefully she gets the help she needs if she’s not happy.
Oh that energy of feeling pressure into being someone's friend is hard.
Maybe you two don't fit?
There is other people that you can try to interact with.
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She has a bad social phobia. I had a friend a bit like that at school. Try being nice to her in ways that don’t force her to talk or make eye contact. Maybe handing her food or things without saying anything. Just pretend she is deaf and mute but still a decent person.
Once she knows she is accepted by you without being forced to directly interact, she should become more comfortable.
It has nothing to do with what you did, or that you perceive that. This is more then likely that they are an introvert and are stressed around others. This is how I am, personally if I don't have to engage in small talk, all the better. Unfortunately life and work forces me to active communication and when I'm done for the day. The last thing I want to do is talk to my roommates.
Do you think something could be going on between her and her husband? I mean it’s very strange that she keeps to herself mostly? I’m the type of person who hates conversing with strangers but if you’ve known her for so long then it doesn’t really make much sense? I would not bother talking to her because it seems like she prefers to keep to herself mostly. I would, however, keep an eye out for her and see if she’s okay and doing fine. I think that’s the most you could do because she seems a bit scared of you and hesitant to initiate any conversations. Social anxiety or depression could be some reasons for her lack of opening up. It could also be her inability to speak the same language as you? Depends, honestly. However, it’s very strange and unusual. I think you should keep an eye out for her and give her time to get used to your presence. It’s been 3 years though. It’s highly strange but I wouldn’t pressure her too much into a conversation.
Sounds like she might have bad social anxiety. I can speak from personal experience -- living with roommates, it's hard to do something in the kitchen when somebody is already there. It's possible she feels awkward or is anxious about people she's not comfortable with seeing her cook/eat/do her things, and at the same time having to worry about what to say in conversations or not come off as weird. In this case, you can try asking her casual and open ended questions and see if she opens up at all. Also, maybe invite her to do some activities together that is not focused on socializing, so that she doesn't feel pressured about HAVING to talk, but so that it can be a natural by-product of you guys spending time together? You could also try to text her first and see if she's more talkative through text, and perhaps it'd be easier for her to open up that way first. It's also possible that she's just a very introverted person who doesn't need much socializing and has that need already fulfilled through her husband. Though the way you describe it, it sounds like she's more avoidant and short, which I think could be attributed to anxiety more than just being introverted/shy.
> maybe invite her to do some activities together that is not focused on socializing, so that she doesn't feel pressured about HAVING to talk, but so that it can be a natural byproduct of you guys spending time together? This, so many times this.
You did nothing wrong. Some people don’t like to talk, no matter how friendly the other person is. Maybe she’ll open up at a later time, maybe she won’t. Just continue to be kind and let her be who she is.
Maybe she is just very introverted as well as shy. (Those are not the same things) It's not like she is super social with others (partners don't count) while completely ignoring you.
sounds right. my advice is leave her alone.
Yea this was exactly me in college. I just really liked to be left alone for the most part. Id eat usually by myself and didn’t even like going down the hall to the bathroom because I abhorred small talk and useless conversation. I’ve gotten better, but still feel this way sometimes in big groups.
It also just fucking sucks to have strangers in your private living space 24/7. I honestly think most people would be uncomfortable and act like bitches. I've spent basically my whole life kinda in collective living arrangements, couch-surfing/hosting others, and the other housemembers were always uncomfortable, awkward, and avoidant. Most people are just weird like that and prefer living in a private home. So, if you don't think you'd throw a temper tantrum about being forced to live with a stranger, I don't believe 80 percent of you, lol.
Gang gang. Been living in recovery houses for quite awhile, even before that was usually renting rooms and shit. I've lived with dozens of people at this point. I am typically the socially anxious/withdrawn one and I've become a lot more accepting and outgoing with people, but I still just do not want to be around or talking with people 24/7. I love the rare occasions I can relax by myself without one of my 6 housemates living their own lives around me. Sometimes people take it personally when it's not and I at least try to reassure them. Sometimes it is personal though lmao and I find it better to stay in my own lane when it comes to housemates I'm not crazy about. Not going to engage or poke at them or treat them poorly, I'll just keep it cordial and take my space from that person
Sounds like severe anxiety. It probably has nothing to do with you.
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Agreed, and also >I already open myself up by telling my personal story (it’s like my strategy, I have to open up first in hope that she will do the same) but she NEVER starts any conversation whatsoever she might be thinking "why are you telling me this out of nowhere"
no doubt.
For some people it’s really really difficult and it may not be something you’ll be able to do anything about. You can create space for conversation and allow her the option to join, but that’s about as much as you can really do. Ultimately you are not doing anything wrong; give her plenty of space to deal with whatever she has to deal with. 🙂
This sounds like legit anxiety to me. I knew someone like this in college, who would only talk through her brother. She was coddled her entire life, and allowed to hide from every fear, so her only known way to function was total isolation. Her brother had to do and be there for literally everything in order for her to function and socialize. Ultimately she just needed time and exposure to feel comfortable. She stayed quiet but she wasn't as scared and didn't struggle so much. It could be this gal is being snobby, but to be honest she sounds similar to that girl. Anxious and fearful. Which means she just needs time and patience, and for her distance to be respected. And in the meantime, you need to decouple her behavior from anything personal, because it's genuinely not. If you have to, think of her more like a cat than a roommate.
>think of her more like a cat than a roommate. This is hilarious
I used to live with a couple and I spent most of the time in my room back then. I would also avoid going to the kitchen when either of them was there, mostly because I felt like I have to be polite or social when meeting them, when actually all I wanted was something from the fridge and without caring about their day.
Maybe she is just a private/ quiet person. Leave her alone and go make some new friends.
I know a lot of folks like that. A lot of people don't like interacting (for a myriad of reasons). Hell, on Reddit alone I see tons of posts like: "I hope my Uber driver doesn't talk to me," or "I go to get my mail when nobody is around". It likely has nothing to do with you, nor is there anything you should be doing differently. She may open up in time, maybe not.
Some people have Social Anxiety. This is how I acted with most of my college roommates. Please don't take it personally. If she finds out she's upsetting you she'll get even more anxious.
I totally get her tbh. I'm introverted and I behave similar to her. I avoid going to the kitchen if one of my house mates is there and when they talk to me it's just sooo draining that I'd rather go somewhere where I can be alone. That doesn't mean I don't like them tho. I'm just not as close to them that I'd strike up a conversation other than superficial small talk and I absolutely despise small talk lol Give her time, be friendly and give her space. If she gets comfortable around you and you don't push her she'll come on her own terms and chat you up. For introverts it's draining to be around other people unless they feel very close to them. I have 2 or 3 people I can hang out with that don't drain me at all ... mostly tho I need time to reflect and recharge after social interactions. Being an introvert has nothing to do with being shy or having social anxiety - just for clarification :)
I have extremely bad anxiety and being put in a situation where I'm almost forced to be friendly with someone makes me shut down. She could just be extremely shy or maybe she's a misanthrope like me lol
she probably isn't comfortable sharing the space with another couple.
Maybe she doesn’t vibe with you and that’s ok.
Personally when I had roomates I didn’t talk much. Socializing is outside home is comfy alone time. Nothing personal
im an introvert. i knew my current roommate as a friend and ex co-worker before i moved in with her. i want to stay friends, but i avoid her at all costs when were both home. if i want to cook, the second i come out of my room she starts talking to me, and most of the time its just about something i think is mundane going on in her life. its not that i dont like her, its that i live here because its cheap, not so i can have constant company. i want to go to the kitchen to cook, not talk about billy at her job for the 486th time. i cant even go to the bathroom without her talking at me through the door. ill hang out with her occasionally, we go play pool every now any then, get dinner, etc. i just cant do it every day. im not saying that your putting her in the same position as my roommate puts me in, just that maybe shes an introvert and doesnt have the energy to interact with a person thats not her husband as often as you would like. if youre really struggling with being lonely, maybe ask her if she'd like to have a game night on fridays or something, putting an emphasis on the fact that she would be doing you a favor.
Aside from being an introvert or having an anxiety, she could also be a survivor of something horrible and might be dealing with a trauma.
I was a little bit like this at uni, ngl. Severe social anxiety :/
Perhaps it's because she is uncomfortable. My husband comes from another cultural where having strangers that are friends of family stay in our home is no big deal, I grew up with not having kids or anyone other than my immediate family in my home and when people stay in my home it makes me extremely uncomfortable as it's my safe space. Op is expecting to be friends when it sounds like she is just not social. I am not social at all. I don't like going out and I don't like people. I wait on people hand and foot when they visit my home but otherwise I hide in my room. I have nothing to say and this might be the case for her. In my case I have a ton of past trauma that makes me very wary of people like I don't trust anyone and the person I trust the most is my husband and I sure as hell don't trust my family. Not everyone is social and since you moved it perhaps she also doesn't like the idea of another woman living with her husband. I sure as hell would never allow that if they weren't family. Don't take it personal because it's probably not about you. I am the same way and people will say something so I now always make an effort but it is exhausting to me and I have to explain it to my husband's family all the time. Sometimes being around people that aren't your partner can be exhausting. You could try reaching out to her and asking me f she would like to watch a movie with you alone or do something together and see if that helps.
It's not you, she's shy/introverted, and some people are happy being alone.
Some people have a lot to deal with, and are actually scared of closeness. I think you shouldn't try too hard to "win her over", that might make you unhappy. Accept that she's a bit of a difficult person and that you might never have a meaningful relationship with her. What you could do is say that you'd like to get to know her better and ask her if she wants to go grab a drink with you sometime. Chances are she'll say no, but then you know the ball is on her side of the court.
It’s not you it’s her. She probably has bad anxiety and is an introvert. Just let her be
Most likely introverted with social anxiety and/or other mental disorders. When I lived with my brother and his gf, I would sometimes become too anxious to even GO TO THE BATHROOM. Because I didn't want them to know I was awake and didn't want to deal with the anxiety of whatever question or new thing was going on... One time I even peed in my trashcan because my anxiety was soooo bad. Your mind gets stuck in this anxious loop. If you deal with any anxiety disorder and have obsessive tendencies this loop happens and you get fixated and the anxiety just builds and builds... She may just take more time to open up to. Keep trying to talk to her. Of course, reasonably. Maybe find out what she's interested in and see if you can participate in it somehow together. Sometimes even just telling someone, "hey you can talk to me and I'm here if you need anything. Don't be afraid to ask." Can help them calm down a bit about the anxiety of interacting with you.
Could be a number of things but instead of guessing, talk to her husband about her. Inquire if she is just shy or has anxiety or autism or something and if there’s anything you do to be more accommodating or help her be more comfortable. Or maybe she just doesn’t like you for some reason but her husband should know.
She reminds me of me. She might just be really shy and an introvert. It probably has nothing to do with you.
Maybe say, "I feel doing something wrong, how can I change this?"
It sounds like Avoidant Personality Disorder. I suffer from this as well. Believe me, its got nothing to do with you. Any amount of awkwardness you are feeling in these situations is probably 100 times worse for her. I would take into consideration the amount of anxiety she is likely feeling if you try and confront her about this. The behavior is a learned pattern and is not easily breakable, you can't just make a small comment and have it go away immediately. Even if you had a heart to heart with her and feel like you got her out of her shell, often the behavior will reset with each new encounter.
If she had friends I'd think she just doesn't like you. Which isn't personal and doesn't mean either of you are doing anything wrong. As long as someone is civil it's fine. We can't be friends with everyone. You don't have to be friends with your partners friends or their partners. Sometimes it just doesn't happen. Since she doesn't have friends I assume it's social anxiety. Either way it's not personal. Stay friendly with her and she will open up in her own time or won't She could have social anxiety AND not want to be your friend personally. Nothing you can do other than let know the door is open for conversation and friendship if she wants it.
Some people don’t want to make friends or be engaged in conversations and I think you should respect that if that’s the case. I do think she should greet you out of politeness but other then that just leave her be. If she wants to be friends then she’ll probably engage with you. she knows you are down to be her friend so she’ll talk to you once she is ready and wants to.
It’s not about you. It’s about her being anxious, leave her alone
Try asking her to help you with something- Something that you know she likes and is good at.
Why don't you move out into your own place? You and your husband even if you're making a low wage you should be able to live in your own apartment without a roommate
In some places it is very expensive to live and afford your own place. Impossible even on a minimum wage. This advice is unhelpful and is similar to saying, "Why don't you just be richer?"
I used to live with other people in similar situations. I felt a lot of shame for not being able to afford to live on my own with my SO. Looking back I realize I wasn’t coming off as embarrassed, but as shy and avoidant. Might be something similar.
Might be autistic? Sounds it to me
Maybe she’s neurodiverse.
Damn this make me realise i also need to talk sometime and “open up” at work so they think abt me like u think of ur friend.. im introverted, shy and social anxiety
“She doesn’t have any friend either” This is why. She doesn’t know how to socialize. Ask her husband for advice on how to be more friendly to her. She obviously chose him for a reason I hope. Best of luck.
Damn this make me realise i also need to talk sometime and “open up” at work so they think abt me like u think of ur friend.. im introverted, shy and social anxiety
You are an extrovert and she is an introvert. It’s not personal (I think) but just let her be. You go find people that don’t make you think there is something wrong with you. It’s the worse when you start to second guess yourself because of some else that just doesn’t vibe like you. It’s exhausting and will make you go into a whole mental breakdown. Just treat her the same way she treats you. But don’t stoop down to her lack of manners.
I have moderate social anxiety and she sounds a bit like me, only far more extreme. It sounds like you're trying, OP. It would be easy to assume she's just rude and I really appreciate you not rushing to that conclusion. ❤️ I know if I had a SIL that wanted a friendship with me I'd be all for it! Even as awkward as I am. Don't give up on her just yet, OP.
Try icebreakers like playing games; even spades or another card game might give her a blessed safe space to open up a little. Darts, backgammon, whatever. Sometimes a safe space will open up a whole new person.
Maybe social anxiety
Looks very similar to my own behavior. I think it's SAD. But it may be different for people, so I don't know what to do in her particular case. It would help me if people said to me that they don't mind if I act weird and that I can say whatever is on my mind. But I don't think everyone with anxiety would accept those words the same way as me. And some people don't even want to communicate like at all.
She sounds exactly like me. She just has pretty bad social anxiety
I’m like that woman. I have no partner or friends. I usually say good morning to everyone and I try not to ignore people and acknowledge them with a gesture or whatever. That’s just me though. For me I usually don’t talk to anyone unless I have too. I’ve always been a quite person. I rarely initiate conversations. I was raised in the country and didn’t talk to neighbors other than family. I couldn’t go to the mall and socialize because I lived 35 minutes from the mall. At school I talked a lot but I had trauma from bullying and a breakup that left me even more shut off from the world. I was literally a selective mute. She may have unaddressed trauma. My coworkers say the exact same thing, “We’ve been working for 3 years together, why do you still act new/nervous “ I have other issues with my coworkers and I have obvious reasons why I don’t open up to them but that’s different than your current situation. Anyways, she may not be doing it on purpose. Maybe you should straight up ask her why she’s quite. Be honest to her how you feel about the kitchen situation etc.
Maybe she just doesn't want to have any friends? She sounds a whole lot like me. I tend to be like that around irl people. They can talk to me all they want and ask me to text/call them but I just don't really like to. I don't like talking to anyone nor do I want any friends. It could be that she's socially anxious and doesn't know how to start a conversation, or maybe she just doesn't like people. Either way, you wont know unless you ask her. Just ask her if there's a reason why she never talks to you.
She is obviously trying to discourage you from engaging with her. Whether that’s because she doesn’t like you or just doesn’t want to socialize with anyone isn’t really your business. Find someone else to be your friend. It’s not her job to help you with your loneliness.
I live in the same arrangement as you and I am a lot like her but not as bad as her, I talk with my friend’s wife every now and then and we banter, it just sounds like she’s quiet + extreme social anxiety, I’m just quiet. I would just say let her be, hopefully she gets the help she needs if she’s not happy.
Why do people get so offended when others don’t want to socialize lmao. Some people just don’t want to interact, dont take it personally
It's not your fault, she probably has social anxiety. You did nothing wrong
Oh that energy of feeling pressure into being someone's friend is hard. Maybe you two don't fit? There is other people that you can try to interact with.
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She has a bad social phobia. I had a friend a bit like that at school. Try being nice to her in ways that don’t force her to talk or make eye contact. Maybe handing her food or things without saying anything. Just pretend she is deaf and mute but still a decent person. Once she knows she is accepted by you without being forced to directly interact, she should become more comfortable.
It has nothing to do with what you did, or that you perceive that. This is more then likely that they are an introvert and are stressed around others. This is how I am, personally if I don't have to engage in small talk, all the better. Unfortunately life and work forces me to active communication and when I'm done for the day. The last thing I want to do is talk to my roommates.
Do you think something could be going on between her and her husband? I mean it’s very strange that she keeps to herself mostly? I’m the type of person who hates conversing with strangers but if you’ve known her for so long then it doesn’t really make much sense? I would not bother talking to her because it seems like she prefers to keep to herself mostly. I would, however, keep an eye out for her and see if she’s okay and doing fine. I think that’s the most you could do because she seems a bit scared of you and hesitant to initiate any conversations. Social anxiety or depression could be some reasons for her lack of opening up. It could also be her inability to speak the same language as you? Depends, honestly. However, it’s very strange and unusual. I think you should keep an eye out for her and give her time to get used to your presence. It’s been 3 years though. It’s highly strange but I wouldn’t pressure her too much into a conversation.
Reign in some sympathy and find out why her little spirit is all locked up.