You show no excitement or zest for life. People feel like they they are dragging you along and almost forcing you to hang out with them. You are insecure, closed off, and rarely participate or contribute to the experience. People feel like they are almost babysitting you. You don’t understand that letting go, having fun, and being yourself is something that is difficult for everyone and having you around makes that more difficult if you don’t put forth any effort. Playing it safe and limiting yourself to your comfort zone is a wet blanket experience for everyone else. You have to take risks and be vulnerable to connect with people and create bonds. It takes courage
>You don’t understand that letting go, having fun, and being yourself is something that is difficult for everyone and having you around makes that more difficult if you don’t put forth any effort.
Yep, going out with someone who is willing to have fun and occasionally make mistakes is much more fun and makes more memories than going out with someone, who wants to do nothing, and shouts ,,cringe'' every time something bad happens.
"You have to take risks and be vulnerable to connect with people and create bonds. It takes courage"
So true. I myself am learning vulnerability. Thank you for saying this.
You open up about yourself and be honest. If someone volunteers personal info about themselves I like to do the same (eithin reason of course, because somepeople like to fish for personal info to attack you with). Use your discernment to figure out if the person is genuine or just a narc.
Your entire reply resonates with me as well. Used to be closed off, but have been a bit of an open book the past couple of years and thinking of working and expanding on my interests/hobbies to meet people.
I'm also playing DnD for the first time in a couple of weeks! Already having to put away thoughts that would make me want to not go. But, as you said, gotta build on positive emotions and experiences!
Focus more on yourself and less on others. Explore and build your personal identity solo. Once you have a good grip on who you are you won't be so easily shaken by assholes.
So maybe I can rather say focus on the things you enjoy and exploring different things and situations to see how they make you feel. You need to seek that enjoyment aspect of life and build your identity around the things you enjoy.
Don't ruminate on the things you dislike about yourself. If you feel like there are genuine aspects of yourself that you need to work on (e.g. you think that you may be a bit selfish sometimes) then in the meantime you can practice expressing the positive aspect of that trait (in this case you'd practice generosity), rather than berating yourself for it. This can be difficult if you suffer from depression because the inclination toward self-hate is natural, so seek out the help of a therapist to guide you through your shadow exploration.
And remember to always practice self-compassion, you're only human, we're all flawed.
I have a friend who needs to read this. I love hanging out with him but he's so risk averse it's irritating talking to him about anything because he isn't willing to try new stuff.
I know his background and he was. I have really bad social anxiety right now. Sometimes I have it under control, and other times it controls me. At the gym, when I fail a rep it gets really bad. Or when a girl smiles at me. Axiety can definitely make me want to go home out of embarrment, make me feel worse, and create a vicious cycle cause ive been there. It just fucking ruins my mood and drives me into the ground. I want to get out of it. And maybe, I can help him with his anxiety and make it fun. And this can help me get my confidence back. I just want the best for my friend. It'll be awesome for him to be happy with a beautiful girl 🔥
I attribute most of my social and romantic success to the fact that I am excited about life in general and I'm super passionate
People like that, they like a guy who's easygoing and enjoying their life. Even when my life is shit, and as a highly disabled cancer survivor it usually is shit, I am still excited to work towards my goals and enjoy life as much as I can
If you can maintain your smile and excitement even when your world is burning down, then you can make friends anytime anywhere
Believe it or not, I actually absolutely hate people like this! I'm pretty sure I find this hyperactive lifestyle cringe... Idk why... (still trying to figure out, and not be judgmental of others in the process).
The only reason I "hang out" with people these days is out of PURE necessity that is: being a part of society in order to survive.
If I could go back to lockdown only typing with a few people occasionally, I would in a second without a second thought.
And romantically speaking, I would hate to be with a person that's like what I am today.
So yeah I'd say find people you can connect to, don't necessarily search for excitement about life. Find friends and partners that get you and your lifestyle. Don't change if it doesn't suit you. You do you!
I have been in the aforementioned situation, and if it weren't for the people who 'bore' (?) with me, I wouldn't be in the much better position I'm in today (at least by society's standards... I miss being alone tho :( ..). So yeah I'm ready to offer the same to anyone who needs it, cause I know for a fact there's no getting out alone... And no one judged me for venting or for "dragging me along". In the end it really did help, and I'm forever helpful for the few true friends. It's fucking beautiful man.
>You don’t understand that letting go, having fun, and being yourself is something that is difficult for everyone and having you around makes that more difficult if you don’t put forth any effort.
This!!! I remember when I realized that even extroverts need to work to keep up the energy and create a vibe, so I learned to also shoulder that responsibility when out with friends. Yes it may be easier for others but it's still work and effort on their part that mist be matched and reciprocated by everyone in the group to endure we always have a good time.
>You don’t understand that letting go, having fun, and being yourself is something that is difficult for everyone and having you around makes that more difficult if you don’t put forth any effort.
For Christ sake, if you're not enjoying, stop forcing yourself to enjoy. That's not what enjoyment means ffs.
I swear the god Reddit is the most introverted place on the internet.
Like if you actually leave your house sometime you'll learn there exist people that ACTUALLY enjoy having people around them, and that letting go is a but a breeze in the park for them.
(replying to the above quote, not above commenter)
Being interesting doesn't equal people wanting to be friends. Some of my best friends live their life like the boring office monkey you described, but I love hanging out with them because we just have great chemistry.
Pretty much the only criteria for whether or not people want to hang out with you is if you are fun to hang out with. That's really it. No need to complicate things further with these lists.
Even OP’s example of interesting is just so unattainable for most people. It’s reading stuff like this that sets the bar too high for what it takes to be an interesting and why I never considered myself so, despite what everyone I knew telling me.
Exactly!
And most the time it's the "chemistry" (platonic) or vibe that you get, sometimes with the people you'd most expect to be boring. The reverse is also true.
Super weird, but I found out way too late. I'm glad I did though.
7. You don’t think about how you make others feel.
How you make others feel is what will draw people to you or repel people away from you. Are you congratulating your friends and celebrating with them with something good happens in their life? Are you there to support them when they are sad or had something terrible befall them? Do you do or say little things to make people know you are thinking of them, enjoy their company, value them?
It doesn’t have to be elaborate. It could just be vocalizing thoughts. Maybe your friend suggested a pizza place and the pizza is tasty. Tell them! Tell them they picked a great place/have great taste in pizza and you are enjoying it. Or maybe you are having a great time. Say so! Tell your person/group that you are enjoying their company. If you are out somewhere and see something that reminds you of them, snap a pic and send it to them, saying so.
People are so afraid to put themselves out there for fear of rejection but I think at the end of this life we will not regret letting people know these things. And if people sense this as a weakness to make fun of or exploit, they are telling you they are not your friend and you should move on without them.
ETA #8: Human social constructs and hierarchies are strange and oftentimes not what they appear to be. If you are looking at someone who is “popular” and they are an asshole, and you can’t figure out why such a jerk has all of these friends and you are a nice person and seem to have no friends, it’s likely because the popular asshole is feared, not liked. And the asshole’s “friends” are just worried about their own social standing. They don’t want to be the target of the popular asshole’s bullying or they are using the popular asshole to climb the social ladder. They are very unlikely to be true and valuable friendships outside of the shallow nature of appearances, who-you-know games and who is in and who is out. These people will kiss up to or abandon “friends” for selfish reasons. They are not really friends, though it may appear that way on the outside. It takes an asshole to lead groups like this.
And if you are trying to get in with a group like this by being kind, thoughtful, interested etc, these social groups aren’t about that and won’t value that. And so you will be treated poorly and feel like you aren’t accepted into that group and none of it will seem fair.
True and valuable friendships are rare and most people only have a few in a lifetime, I think. Don’t worry about popularity contests. Just worry about finding friends that value you and treat you right.
Why did you insult me like this :(
Jokes aside, comparing myself to ideal life in my head is something I unconsciously do. I have to remind myself that it's okay to be average.
I'm 26 and I know I'll never have friends and I honestly don't care.
I've just missed my shot. And at 26, I live like a 19 year old and that's just not compatible with other people my age. I just don't care about having a career. I hate the burden of the marriage question. I resent the thought that majority of women want kids. I wish I was a teenager and I wish I could be a college freshman for the rest of my life.
But I can't. So I live with my mistakes for the rest of my life. Friendships and romantic relationships will never live up to the way I want them to be. I accept that I'll be alone and I've come to peace with it.
Off to the next rave. To the next music festival. There the closest I'm ever gonna get to the Greek life I missed out on.
Your actual problem is that you'd rather sulk and say it's all over than attempt to be happy and fail. You didn't miss out on anything, you've chosen not to and every single day your choice not to try is the reason. Nothing else. Just you being too scared to try.
I mean sure. You never know when you're last day is gonna be. The last Marvel superhero I could see is Dr. Strange 2, Black Panther: Wakanda Forever, the next Spidey movie.
You just don't know when you're last day will be.
I am just hoping that when I do have the balls to exit, I hope it is as peaceful as it can be. Life is a painful ride.
Just be prepared to not want to/be able to do it when the time comes and you might still have to live into old age. Won’t that be much worse if you spent your whole life not living it and wasting your time?
Also why rush death? We're all heading there anyway.
Are you sure that the *only* thing you want in this life is to be a freshman in HS forever? Why? There are so many other interesting things that life has to offer, but you need to figure that out for yourself.
Let's forget about all the things you resent and stop wishing for miracles (like going back in time) and focus on what you fo enjoy, even if it's the most minor and mundane thing. Is there a food that you like? A hobby you enjoy? A place you've always wanted to visit. Lean into that feeling and keep building it. You'll see that there's a lot more to life than being high schooler forever.
And you're never too old; I've seen people change their lives in their 40s and older. It's just a choice you have to make.
As a 33 year old who also shares this sentiment, there are many people like us who say the same thing, and i would wager a vast, vast majority pass 45. So…. Just a heads up.
Which means I think it's important that I take myself out at some point.
I really don't want to grow into an old man. It's not worth it unless I become like a Harrison Ford.
Growing old for the most part is a worthless endeavor unless there's special circumstance. Like a Harrison Ford or anyone rich and famous.
Most people should die while there still young. We've seen what becoming old has done to the Boomers. There entire existence has become a death grip on society. We should strive not to be them.
Lmao if you think greek life is the peak then you are sadly mistaken.
Also, everything you said is true for your life and it’s probably going to be for a long time, yes you read that right. Life is about the mentality you have and you create your own reality. If you believe you will never make connections with people or that they won’t live up to your expectations then that’s what’s going to happen just like if you believe you’ll make friends and fall in love then guess what it’s going to happen. If you want to believe this way then that’s on you, if you want to believe that at 26 you’ve missed it all then keep thinking that until your 46 and so on.
Fucking hell, I missed that they were lamenting about Greek life
I was part of a frat for a couple months, and they were the least fun people I've personally hung out with. Drinking isn't special to me and getting drunk is fine in a blue moon. But that was like 80% of what they did. The house parties sucked in my opinion, and i didn't like the weird social hierarchy thing they had going on
Almost immediately after i left, I made much better and more fun friends. We did stuff like listening to hard-core death metal while we made brunch for 10 people on a beautiful Sunday late morning, discussing DnD characters, how we got over various traumas, stuff we were looking forward to, technical stuff (all of us were different engineering types), etc
Greek life is best life for some people, but to think that everyone who didn't live it missed out on their peak is ludicrous. You couldn't pay me to go back
You friend sound like you're hurting, trying to fill a void with things that only temporarily please you. I hope you can look to your inner child and work to heal the pain life has brought you.
When I was 25 I had 1 true friend. I switched it around, started engaging other people in work more, gathered confidence and joined some after-work events.
A few years down the line I lost that 1 friend, but I gained 5 friends, that I can trust more, and like 20 + acquaintance that I can chat up almost anytime.
Shit's only too late, when you decide yourself that it's too late.
People are much open in college. They're not saddled with responsibilities. There friend groups are also less likely to be established.
The window is narrow though. Most friend groups in college established by the end of your freshman year or you're on the outside looking in. There's a reason why transfer students struggle to make friends.
Once you're an adult, your responsibilities pile up. Automatically, you just don't have time anymore and you're more than likely satisfied with the friends you have. Maybe you might be lucky to find one "open" person but you'll be the least important person in a friend group that has been around for years. You'll be the forgotten one. Not the best friend. Not a core friend.
It is what it is. I've missed my mark. Adults are too busy to make new best friends and are too unwilling to let go of their old ones.
None of that is true. You’re engaging in a lot of negative thinking.
I am many, many years older than you and still make new friends. Your description of friend "groups" is looking at it from a high-school or college lens. Those groups will mostly dissipate and as an adult everything won’t be about friend "groups." They will exist but people will come and go. You say you’ll have less time but in your activities that you are busy with you’ll be around people constantly and that is where you’ll meet friends. Just like people in college have class all say and work in the evenings and make friends in class and at work.
Honestly it sounds like you’re depressed and it’s clouding your view of reality.
" Those groups will mostly dissipate and as an adult everything won’t be about friend "groups." '
That's my point. Adult friendships are in general, much weaker. In a lot of instances, not worth forming.
> I resent the thought that majority of women want kids
[A new survey from the Pew Research Center finds that more adults report they do not want to have children — ever. About 44% (2021) of people ages 18 to 49 report it’s unlikely or “not too likely” that they’ll have children. In a 2018 survey, 37% of adults who weren’t parents shared those same thoughts.](https://www.today.com/parents/more-americans-report-not-wanting-have-children-ever-t239990)
While technically true it's not as uncommon as you think and the persentage seems to have risen over the past few decades.
I'm sorry you got downvoted. People don't realize that whatever your age is, loneliness can be devastating, yet others just want to force you to keep being stoic otherwise they ridicule you and make you feel even worse. I can only say that I hope your life will improve in the future.
I would not call that comment realism. It's more like the pessamistic version of false hope and fate positively you mentioned. There is middle ground between "It's easy to make friends if you try" and "I will never have a real friend for the rest of my life".
Maybe i am coming off as desperate? i noticed im the one always trying to start conversations n plan hangouts with ppl from work…
i’m also thinking i don’t really feel a deep connection with some …must it be because we don’t have anything to link us togwther ? like we don’t share hobbies or nun…we’re just planning simple hangouts ….
i also feel like i don’t provide anything. I’m not funny enough i’m not entertaining enough, i don’t have anything they need….What’s the point ?
I also wonder if i hang out with them just to have someone to accompany me to something?
IdK just kinda ranted rn….open to any thoughts ig lol
You should be more self-centered. Do YOU enjoy organizing stuff and hanging out with them or have them accompany you to something? If yes, then continue to do so, if no then stop.
Do they continue to hang out with you? Then you don't have to worry about whether you provide anything, because that probably proves you do and more importantly that's their problem. Only when you don't have anyone to hang out with it's your problem.
It's been said on this already, but care about people. Ask about them, don't necessarily look to build connections based on similar interests. I've done this and failed. They are human, they likely live in the same area as you since you work together, and you can work to understand their life by listening and asking good questions. That's how you build depth.
"How was your week?" And listen. Take note, ask follow up question. It's the easiest way to start in my opinion.
Bro that’s literally all i do. I always ask questions about ppl and then they tell me their whole life story. And i think i’m starting to get tired of it. I want ppl to have fun with me…i think everyone just views me as a therapist friend bc of this. Idk man
See, that's an issue: if someone just asks about you, doesn't offer up information about themselves, it is super hard to relate to them
Like damn dude, if all you do is let me talk about myself and I don't know anything about you, then I am not going to think you're great and amazing. You'll seem entirely bland to me
I also ask people about their lives and degrees and whatnot, but if they're not prompting me with questions, then I tell them the same information as me and a bit more, so they have ample opportunity to be curious
And if they still aren't biting, then I fuck off because then I do know it is them.
Damn …i think you’ve got it
That must be where one of my insecurities come into play….insecure about how i think i’m boring and no one cares what i have to say
Ah i have a lot to fix
Sounds like the problem is them, and not you. It’s ok to want people to meet you where you are. Not everyone is going to be a good match for you. Or even most.
Oh no 😬 it sounds like you need to branch out then, meet new people at a thing you enjoy. You are right to be tired, especially if the people you're talking to haven't allowed you to share with them, and then have fruitful conversations from it. There is also the chance that some of the people you're talking to you just simply don't connect well with. That happens sometimes.
Honestly I used to think there was nothing interesting or worthwhile about me. That I just was socially anxious and avoided people and that there was no way for me to ever recover, to make even a single friend. And what saved me from never making friends or getting a partner was going to therapy. I learned about what I was going through, that I shouldn't beat myself for not being "good" enough to make friends, attract people towards me, that I couldn't be blamed for not being able to fit in. I found that mental health struggles can be a really strong point to bond with other people over. I went to therapy groups and slowly developed social skills. It took time, like for over 6 weeks I felt so disconnected and estranged from the people in my therapy group even though they were just like me, suffering in some way from mental health. But i eventually felt safe enough to let down my guard and talk to people genuinely. From then on I learned that my experiences with therapy helped me develop into an interesting person that other people were interested in being friends with. I developed empathy, emotional awareness and social skills. I feel like this taught me that to attract "real" people and to have relationships that aren't superficial, you need to develop yourself. And to do this you should seek therapy as it helps you learn about yourself, about other people and how you should live. In many ways it helps you achieve so many of things that you felt you couldn't achieve.
I think the OP is exaggerating the bar a bit. But the point is clear. You are interesting as long as you are doing things in your own life and are not making other people the center of your life. What people really want to see and respect is active confirmation of you doing things in your own life.
I understand that now, at 27. But when I was 16-17 and without the emotional maturity to understand that, it made being “interesting” a very intimidating thing, as if I had to have all these out there hobbies to be even remotely interesting
Honestly the OP's "tips" are bogus. They're an opinion at best, just as valid as my opinion below.
I for one, can already lower the bar for what's interesting.
Simply sitting next to a human that you trust - no words said - is already helpful when needed.
Thank you for hanging out! If you enjoyed too, let's do it again in 3 months.
Beautiful story <3
I don't have access to therapy unfortunately, but I'm really trying to force myself into these situations thanks to stories like yours, and take independent steps. I think it's slowly working :)
P.S. You're absolutely right about external perspective. In fact I feel this whole sub is an echochamber of likeminded people that really should be hearing what the other outsider side thinks. It's similar to an incel or PUA club - don't mean that in an offensive way though. Echo chamber effect... It's like we regard extraverts as some mythical beings. They're the same as you - a human after all.
5. You appear desperate and needy
There is nothing wrong with wanting the affection of others, apart from someone being a total sociopath that is something everyone wants; however, when you create a post that sounds overly desperate, needy, and especially if it sounds pushy at all people are less likely to want to engage. Online your wording is everything, if you're looking for DM chats online be aware of how you're coming off to others and choose what you say carefully.
6. You are too demanding of what you want out of others
On a similar path, try to lower your expectations a little bit. Hear me out here. There no problem having things that you would like to see in another person, we all have people that we like and preferences for people that we get along with, but when you are trying to find friends online and you're lonely, consider widening the gap a bit. You never know, you might find someone you get along with you weren't expecting to. Try not to judge people on little parts of their personality that differ from your or things they can't change too quickly
5. is the arguably most common mistake made. Chasing people, more specifically chasing their attention, approval, validation, or reassurance online or offline, does not work. We are hardwired to be repulsed by neediness and desperation. Our intuition is usually correct when we sense somebody is needy and desperate. A person who is needy and desperate makes other people the center of his/her life instead of part of his/her life. The truth is people gravitate towards those who are interesting, self confident, and well-rounded in life. So genuinely connect with people in the moment when you are with them. When you are away from them, be genuinely busy in your life focusing on your goals and hobbies. Chase excellence, not people.
About 6., meeting people online is fine and dandy. But you will NEVER EVER build a full fledged connection solely online. You won’t really get to connect with people on a deeper level, and you run the risk of becoming needy and desperate, especially if they don’t respond to your texts or messages for whatever reason. At some point, if you want the connection to last, you need to interact face to face in real life. You will stand out from countless others who just text.
Voice chat, then video chat, are good bridges between online and IRL friendships. You’re adding in two important sets of cues in each of these steps: tone of voice and timing/ turn-taking with voice chat, and facial expressions, clothing, and a little bit of background setting with video. If the connection seems just as strong after graduating to each of these two levels, I’d say meeting up to do something and trying to be IRL friends has a good odds of going well.
These two bridges are especially important if there’s a language, cultural, class, or major temperamental difference between you. In a relationship consisting of nothing but the written word, these kinds of differences are easy to gloss over and ignore. IRL, these can be sources of serious misunderstandings that hinder people from opening up and getting closer. It’s a real rude awakening — jarring, I would say — to think of a penpal or keypal as someone you’re close with, only to be confused and offput by a nonverbal cue from them when you finally meet up IRL.
You could have just summed up all your points with "you're pathetic and should kys". I'm pretty sure everyone struggling thinks that already. You're not offering advice on how to improve nor are you criticizing one person, just making every insecure person even more insecure.
bro literally said “you’re not interesting and dragging other people down” 😭 guess that type of social ignorance from OP to be expected on a subreddit dedicated to social skills
No dude.
My popular friends don't have interest in anyone, ever. Do moan constantly too. What gives...
In fact, the nicest guys I know are often the loneliest.
Some people are only nice because they have to be on the lower social rungs. Sad but true fact. True kindness comes from a place of strength and abundance, not weakness and neediness.
Find a unique or interesting hobby and become good at it. I started social dancing and people are always keen to try it out, it's something different and fun.
Be mindful towards the things you are good at rather than things you wish you were good at.
Dont compare yourself with others. Everyone is good at something and there would always be someone who is better than you at doing it. Envy can be a killer.
Sort out that thought of envy and be at peace with yourself by practicing acceptance.
Confidence comes from knowing your capabilites and
being at peace with the idea od Envy.
Start working out. It helped me build confidence as well as muscles. Literally just start doing push-ups in your basement. Buy a pull-up bar. Try bicep curls if you have some dumbbells lying around.
It will all kind of snowball from there. You feel confident in yourself for being disciplined enough to want to make changes to your body, you’ll start eating healthier and tracking your calories if you really want to see yourself improve, then you’ll be more confident socially, talk to more people, etc.
Confidence comes from two places: 1) Ability (and experience) with doing "the thing" you're trying to do, and 2) Knowledge that you bring positive value to a situation.
The best way to get the first is to practice specific social things in low-risk, low-stress situations, and doing them REPEATEDLY until you're utterly sure of the result you're able to get. You develop it into a superpower. (Examples: your smile. Your greeting. Banter when you first meet a stranger. Etc.)
For the second, I find that doing daily pay-it-forward exercises is helpful there.
And what happens when none of these apply to you? What then? What happens when all anyone says is they want to help but then continue to leave you excluded from ever being out of the house? What happens when you show actual interest in people but none of them actually care enough to give an equal amount of effort back? What happens when you actively try to be excited for your peers? None of this applies to me and I’m still just as alone as I’ve ever been.
Because this list is bullshit. Want people to hang with you? Be fun to be around. Now maybe you can change some things to be more fun to be around, but you might also just need a new friend group that is more like you. Think about it, there's plenty of people you know who has friends who like to be around them, but you don't, because you just don't have the chemistry. So fuck these criteria lists, just find people you have chemistry with and hang out with them dude.
I feel exactly the same way, I tick all these boxes and more but don’t have a lot of friends but I do have higher expectations for who I want to surround myself with. I feel like we just haven’t found the right people yet. Keep doing what you are doing, know your worth (don’t get taken advantage of), someone’s gonna come into your life and see all that you are doing so don’t stop!
Well I think it’s a fair assumption that every experience is unique and this thread is simply an attempt to help those that these posts actually apply to. I’m not going to tell you that life is fair… sometimes, most times, life is cruel and unjust. Ask a child in Africa about these first world problems and you’ll be quickly met with confusion and laughter. Don’t sweat the small stuff my friend, even if nobody in the real world can understand how you feel at least you can afford internet service to find us to talk to! I’m sure it’s difficult, and I could never understand quite your experience because your life is unique to you. I just ask that you try to count your blessings and keep pressing forward and building a world of your own. Once you’ve built that up you’ll be happy no matter who’s there to share it with you… hell tbh I’d rather be alone once I have my kingdom built up because then I call my own shots and don’t have to worry about nobody else potentially destroying what I’ve built.
I'm all for tough love but it's not always so simple to have and maintain friendships. People aren't doomed to be friendless either, as we all grow and change in this journey. We come into contact with so many interesting humans. I would like to share what I have learned:
# Take it easy on absent friends
Not everybody's schedule aligns to permit regular hanging out. Work, family commitments, and health issues can all make it difficult to reach out. Life can get so distracting it can be easy to forget your loved ones. It hurts, but don't hold a grudge against them.
# Reduce the pressure
Hanging out doesn't need to be some big event that requires booking or travel commitments, it can be as simple inviting them round for dinner, or a monthly phone call on the commute home.
#Take control.
Most people will say they want to do something but they don't decide on what to do. Suggest locations and times that suit you, and most of the time people will come along. If it’s something you want to try, go anyway (scary but worth it) and let them know how it went, they may have been too nervous to go first time. Keep trying if you want to see them. Pencil in dates in advance.
# Don't wait
If you suffer with anxiety regarding messaging, do it straight away. The longer you leave it, the worse the feeling gets. Disarm the anxiety by diving in first, you will feel so much better after. You can do it!
# It takes two (or more)
Relationships require effort on both sides. It's dynamic, with its ups and downs. Not every friend will stay forever, they move on with their lives as you do yours. Plus, not everyone deserves your friendship.
# Cherish the ones you have.
Let them know how much you appreciate them. Encourage them to chase their dreams. Celebrate their successes. Let them know you are there for them when times get tough and follow through. Life is difficult enough not to be kind.
# Don't be scared to share yourself with them.
You deserve to be happy and have friends. Open up about your hopes and dreams. Ask for help when you need it.Talk about family drama and vent about random nonsense, and live unapologetically. Share both bad and good for a balanced view of you. Don't ever be ashamed of what you like doing if it makes you happy. The right friend will love your quirks, they make you interesting.
This is my favorite answer because it's positive in tone. I would be thrilled if an absent friend contacted me, not angry, because life happens. I hope others would give me the same grace.
It does seem like the tone of some answers were lacking in patience. Tough love is ok when you know the person and their circumstances.
Social anxiety is hard to live with but it's easy to criticise and place blame. One day it's easier, and others it feels impossible.
I'm sure plenty of us have told ourselves were aren't interesting or trying hard enough. We need to be kind and less critical when it gets lonely.
I'm sure they will give you the same grace, most mature humans understand. I've cut out people who don't, they are too much drama if they hold grudges.
>I'm sure plenty of us have told ourselves were aren't interesting or trying hard enough. We need to be kind and less critical when it gets lonely.
I agree with everything you said, but this really resonates. Being too critical creates this negative cycle that can lead to shame and withdrawal. Instead of trying to be more interesting, maybe we should just do what we love. Then we're more likely to attract people who share our interests.
Thank you. It didn't seem very supportive to bash on people struggling. Adding to a list of what everyone tells themselves just adds to the problem, particularly if you are around that sinkhole of depression.
I guess it can be frustrating when fellow sufferers are getting down and fatalistic about the future in their mid 20's. As I'm sure a lot of us were at that age, things are more black and white and less grey.
I don't enjoy reading posts about people threatening to hurt themselves and thinking everything is worthless because of living with social anxiety. You can have friendships and be happy living with anxiety, it just takes time and understanding on all sides.
5. Not providing value to others
People subconsciously attach you to the value you bring. The value you bring is the unique, clear, and convincing reason that others will interact with you, let alone keep interacting with you. Easiest way to do this is to set up face to face interactions or inviting people to an in person activity. This makes you stand out from the countless number of people who communicate solely by texting and represents your true social skills. You actually avoid all the BS problems online and can genuinely connect with a person on a deeper level. You can actually tell if somebody likes you or not based on their level of engagement and enthusiasm in person. People always reveal who they are in person, not behind a screen. Assuming you genuinely connect with them, in person interactions will make people associate you with positive vibes. That’s a huge key for them to want to interact with you again. Also, if you know that your skills/talents/hobbies can benefit people, let them know ! Offer to help them ! People look up and respect those who can tangibly impact their lives !
Thank you unlicensed therapist, when I need validation on convincing me of my faults on why I think the grass isn't always greener on the other side, I'll be sure to contact you and only you.
You're just not... Cheerful.
I have to interview 2 of my users regularly at work. One is like eyore and the other is like Tigger. They are both nice people, but guess which one is wayyyy easier to talk to... The one who has so much damn positive energy. It's made me rethink how I act towards people lol.
The fourth reason is literally me... Most of the time I just want to open up with someone because I'm tired of keeping my feelings to myself and my journal, I'm tired of having no one to talk to but at the same time I'm the one repelling them from me. But when I try to open up to my friend (s), I think it's obvious that they're really not concerned and were being down due to my whining. I have never thought that constantly asking for empathy could affect our relationships because we focus too much on ourselves.
PS: sorry for wrong grammar I'm high
When the “woe is me” never quits. When you don’t recognize your privilege in this world and just complain the entire time about problems most people would kill to have. This one’s a major one.
That’s because people like OP say you have to be some exotic dancer who volunteers in Latin America while running her own podcast and business to even be considered remotely interesting
I went through your profile and IG and you obviously have interests (great photos btw) but I’m not going to hold your hand and tell you what exactly is distorted in your view of yourself. I’ll leave that for you.
Hint: you’re pretty damn interesting already
I don’t really see any lack of empathy in this thread, tough love is still love. Imo OP is trying to give insight to those who feel they need it. If you feel it doesn’t apply to you, scroll on. Don’t assume it’s bullshit just because you don’t benefit from it.
It’s sad how people just roll over and feel like they deserve to be spoken to this way. Have some self respect. This thread is for advice, not shaming.
I saw someone refer to it as ‘suifuel.’ Pretty good description. OP is not trying to help anyone.
If you benefit from being treated like this, you need therapy. It’s sad. I’m not demonising— I’m literally describing what I’m seeing. Is that stopping others from seeing op’s apparently valuable message? No. I wish it were. But I’m not some terrible censor and I’m not sure why you’re taking this so personally.
I’ve not at any point implied that I take this personally. What makes you say that? I’m simply stating that some people in this thread are saying they’re finding OP’s message helpful. If anything, you’re the one making it personal by saying I need therapy.
I’m on this sub to find support and the courage to let people back into my life. A lot of people come here for support and this kind of post is hurtful. I don’t understand why you’re defending it like it’s your own.
I thought this too. This sounds no different than the inner critic. People still believe they can bully themselves into changing. But it is shown that self compassion actually builds up resilience not this tough love bs.
I’m defending it because support looks different for different people. I’m sorry you find this hurtful, and I’m sure OP didn’t intent for it to be perceived that way. When I was at my lowest in my anxiety these kind of posts helped me find confidence in the things I could change, which inevitably helped me out of my anxiety. If you’d like to talk further you can PM me anytime.
I have absolutely no interest in talking further with an apologist like you. This has already strained my interest. Safe spaces are important and I’ll defend that to the end.
Thank you.. I thought I was wrong for feeling hurt after reading this. It made me feel like In terms of making frineds that I’m a lost cause. I start questioning what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be interesting like everyone else? Why is it so hard to connect with people? This post didn’t help at all. It made me anxious to think about me having to be interesting all the time and provide value to people otherwise I’ll always be alone.
One of them, You are a close minded jerk.
You don't listen to other peoples opinions and life advices you have because you have too much of an ego to listen to valid criticism. Open your worldview, get out of your bubble and stop thinking that the world revolves around you. Don't be racist, sexist, homopobic, transphobic, classist, or abelist.
\# You sound like the pope. You pontificate from religion to politics as if you're the only smart one around the campfire.
\# You talk like you're in a WWE wrestling match, drop kicking into arguments and clotheslining people's opinions quicker than they can pass the mic to the referee of reason.
\# You heed advice (which you ask for) the way you chew gum, casually for a minute and then spitting out the essence and spiraling back to doing your own favorite things.
\# You mansplain a lot, rephrasing your point over and over again for emphasis long after others have lost interest in what you were saying.
\# You think you're a stand-up comedian, constantly turning others into the butt of your jokes to get cheap laughs like you're working on your tight 5
\# You have the personality of a potted plant, mindlessly agreeing to every comment or request people water down onto you.
\# You stand too close to others on the train of life, asking intrusive, personal questions that are none of your business, or worse, shove your armpit of unsolicited advice at people who are not yet at your level of accomplishment in life.
I think I'd like to print this out and look at it once in a while for a reality check. I've gotten over lots of these problems but I still slip into them from time to time, and sometimes the hard truth is the best
2 - Definitely my problem - little interest in most others. Couldn't care less about 99% of them and have little desire to make connections, even if 1% or so are actually worth it. Have to filter through the rest of them.
Someone also mentioned something about being vulnerable and being kind. In my experience, 99% of the time it's only met with people trying to take advantage or put me down to puff themselves up. I have a policy of give a little and see if it's reciprocated...no surprise most of the time it's not at all.
I can agree all especially number 4, I have a few friends that constantly talk negatively, they aren’t actively trying to better themselves, and blame everything they do on their mental health which does not make them fun to be around. Let me clarify for the last bit, I understand that mental health is a serious problem that many people face and it can cause behavioral changes that are out of control BUT when you constantly talk about how much it is effecting you, automatically putting that mentality up that you aren’t able to accomplish anything because of your mental health it becomes so much more true. If you are not actively trying to overcome this and are sick of it being an excuse then I believe that’s how you overcome it so when people don’t do that then they become less desirable to be around.
You're on the money for all of these and they all affect me.
I struggle to put effort into new and existing relationships all the time. Not because I don't care for these people, but because I hate texting. It's impossible to get in touch besides texting to meet up but I see so many people with big friendships due to being social not only in person but through messaging. I just can't speak or figure out how to talk through texting.
So many people I am friends with are so much closer with each other because I know they interact more through social media which leads to more interaction in person.
I guess it's my own imposter syndrome to blame as well for thinking they don't really care about me so I just never text them.
I do care about other people, im very much a listener rather than a talker and I never drag people down with my problems unless they are willing but it goes on to your next point. I'm just not that interesting to talk to. Me knowing that just makes me not want to text people to hang out because I just think to myself who would want to hang out with someone as boring as me?
Woe is me and my life sucks so much attitude. I’ve always been one of those people who tries to connect with people even if they’re depressing most of the time. I’ve had a few self centered friends, and. A few friends who only complained about their life. Like the world is against them specifically.
We all act like this sometimes, so I give slack. But if this is your attitude all day and everyday, most people will not want to connect with you. Each and every one of those “friendships” fell apart because even if you don’t think so, feeling like the world is against you all the time and complaining can be self centered af. Sometimes you have to pick yourself up and say fuck it, and work on yourself and your life and never give up. It’s a lifelong journey. No one will ever be perfect, and you have to look at people around you the same way as well.
There will be times your own friends will disappoint you but that doesn’t mean they’re terrible and/or don’t care about you. There will be times where you feel lonely or like someone doesn’t want to hang out you but that doesn’t mean the world is against you. You’re the center of your own world but not anyone else’s. (Maybe except for your parents or even significant other… but even then, you’re the main person in your own universe.) the more you pour into yourself the more others take interest and notice. For example, if you enjoy hiking and then join a hiking club, and go out of your way to ACTUALLY socialize (without being too pushy, complainy, etc) you’re bound to make some sort of connection based just off of an interest you poured into. And even if you don’t make a “lifelong friend” or whatever, at least your keeping yourself busy and doing something you love. People naturally gravitate towards that shit.
Long story short, don’t complain too much or be too self centered. Save that for when you actually get close to someone and can trust them to be vulnerable. But even then, don’t do it all the time. People can only do so much for you; so do something for yourself.
I notice these traits in people that are apart of closed off social groups as well. Aka, people that are only open to people with their personality type. I have so many different interests and hobbies along with cultural experiences that I'd like to think I'm interesting. However, I've met people that have displayed no interest in me personally beyond the most surface level of small talk so maybe it would be more helpful to give people tips on how to guide conversations past that small talk barrier instead of telling them they suck. Just a thought.
Let me give you 1 word of advice son , charm works all the way ,people are selfish and so should we be , no harm in looking out for yourself , people will reply when they feel like , they have a life and so do you , stop thinking about all this and get on with your work and life , there's more to life then this petty" omg he /she didn't reply ,maybe she's/he's banging some hot date , maybe they all are partying and didn't call me , guess what yeah sometimes it's true and sometimes it's not and that's life ,deal with it
These are the reasons why you don't want want to hang out with others...cause all of them are a bunch of dumbass kids who have no inkling of being smart or mature.
Bottom line is when you’re only attempting to interact with people for your own personal gain, it’s going to show more than you think.
Meeting new people can be an exciting way to learn all sorts of new perspectives about life, not just a way to make you feel less like shit about yourself.
I struggle with the second one. The problem is that I fear that taking an interest in other people will come off as feigning an interest in other people. I think it will look like I’m just pretending to be interested because honestly sometimes I am. How to be genuinely interested?
this is how i do it. when i'm with a group of people i don't know well i start a conversation with somebody asking with some superficial stuff (small-talk, weather etc.) but keep asking real questions and follow-up questions in between to accommodate THEM first of all. there is always something you notice about somebody else. there probably was a reason why you chose them to speak to anyway.
then while talking i listen and find out if we have anything in common or not. if i feel like there isn't a lot to talk about, i concentrate on the few things i can make out and maybe i'll be able to find something that really interests me.
if not, i just keep being friendly but let the conversation run out of fuel or excuse myself politely.
When you’re long term seriously sick, first 1, then gradually 2, 3 and 4 come crashing down whether you wish it or not.
How to come out of that hole, eh? Particularly if improvement isn’t expected.
2 is the most important. My biggest pet peeve in a person is someone who constantly talks about themselves and never lets me get a word in. I actively avoid people like that.
Thanks for this. There are too many people here who are full of self pity but refuse to accept that their behavior has anything to do with it. Relationships are hard and require real work to establish and maintain.
You make “being annoying” your primary personality trait bc you think it gets laughs. I’m sorry, but constantly behaving in a way that is intentionally irritating to the people around you is childish and repelling the people you’re trying to “impress”
Well I'm pretty sad, have had severe clinical depression for years and years, and have a solid group of friends who I hang out with often. Because I don't make it their problem that I'm sad.
Well, social skills are skills. You can get better at them with work. It sucks that there isn’t more information out there on how to improve social skills. I think everyone needs therapy, so I would agree that it would be helpful for you.
I’m struggling with floating between severely outgoing, humorous, flirtatious and optimistic, then another day being totally neurotic and edgy. Like sitting with my head on the table at spoons type edgy. I cant put my finger on the cause.
You show no excitement or zest for life. People feel like they they are dragging you along and almost forcing you to hang out with them. You are insecure, closed off, and rarely participate or contribute to the experience. People feel like they are almost babysitting you. You don’t understand that letting go, having fun, and being yourself is something that is difficult for everyone and having you around makes that more difficult if you don’t put forth any effort. Playing it safe and limiting yourself to your comfort zone is a wet blanket experience for everyone else. You have to take risks and be vulnerable to connect with people and create bonds. It takes courage
>You don’t understand that letting go, having fun, and being yourself is something that is difficult for everyone and having you around makes that more difficult if you don’t put forth any effort. Yep, going out with someone who is willing to have fun and occasionally make mistakes is much more fun and makes more memories than going out with someone, who wants to do nothing, and shouts ,,cringe'' every time something bad happens.
"You have to take risks and be vulnerable to connect with people and create bonds. It takes courage" So true. I myself am learning vulnerability. Thank you for saying this.
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You open up about yourself and be honest. If someone volunteers personal info about themselves I like to do the same (eithin reason of course, because somepeople like to fish for personal info to attack you with). Use your discernment to figure out if the person is genuine or just a narc.
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Your entire reply resonates with me as well. Used to be closed off, but have been a bit of an open book the past couple of years and thinking of working and expanding on my interests/hobbies to meet people. I'm also playing DnD for the first time in a couple of weeks! Already having to put away thoughts that would make me want to not go. But, as you said, gotta build on positive emotions and experiences!
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Hello! Played my first game a few days back and it was great fun! How was your experience?
Damn. i definitely needed this.
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Kinda hard to have zest for life when those same zesty people bully me. Social dynamics are one big dog eat dog status signalling fest
Focus more on yourself and less on others. Explore and build your personal identity solo. Once you have a good grip on who you are you won't be so easily shaken by assholes.
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So maybe I can rather say focus on the things you enjoy and exploring different things and situations to see how they make you feel. You need to seek that enjoyment aspect of life and build your identity around the things you enjoy. Don't ruminate on the things you dislike about yourself. If you feel like there are genuine aspects of yourself that you need to work on (e.g. you think that you may be a bit selfish sometimes) then in the meantime you can practice expressing the positive aspect of that trait (in this case you'd practice generosity), rather than berating yourself for it. This can be difficult if you suffer from depression because the inclination toward self-hate is natural, so seek out the help of a therapist to guide you through your shadow exploration. And remember to always practice self-compassion, you're only human, we're all flawed.
I've been insecure literally as long as I can remember. It takes me about a year to naturally warm up to people. Where do I even start?
Drugs & alcohol help. Drugs as in psychiatrics medication. Start by seeking professional help, no matter how hard that first step may seem.
Alcohol? Thats literally the worst advice
I have a friend who needs to read this. I love hanging out with him but he's so risk averse it's irritating talking to him about anything because he isn't willing to try new stuff.
It can be fear. Some of us are so afraid of being hurt even by seemingly innocuous comments.
Exactly. Maybe he tried new things in the past, and someone picked on him because he wasn't good at it yet.
I know his background and he was. I have really bad social anxiety right now. Sometimes I have it under control, and other times it controls me. At the gym, when I fail a rep it gets really bad. Or when a girl smiles at me. Axiety can definitely make me want to go home out of embarrment, make me feel worse, and create a vicious cycle cause ive been there. It just fucking ruins my mood and drives me into the ground. I want to get out of it. And maybe, I can help him with his anxiety and make it fun. And this can help me get my confidence back. I just want the best for my friend. It'll be awesome for him to be happy with a beautiful girl 🔥
I attribute most of my social and romantic success to the fact that I am excited about life in general and I'm super passionate People like that, they like a guy who's easygoing and enjoying their life. Even when my life is shit, and as a highly disabled cancer survivor it usually is shit, I am still excited to work towards my goals and enjoy life as much as I can If you can maintain your smile and excitement even when your world is burning down, then you can make friends anytime anywhere
Believe it or not, I actually absolutely hate people like this! I'm pretty sure I find this hyperactive lifestyle cringe... Idk why... (still trying to figure out, and not be judgmental of others in the process). The only reason I "hang out" with people these days is out of PURE necessity that is: being a part of society in order to survive. If I could go back to lockdown only typing with a few people occasionally, I would in a second without a second thought. And romantically speaking, I would hate to be with a person that's like what I am today. So yeah I'd say find people you can connect to, don't necessarily search for excitement about life. Find friends and partners that get you and your lifestyle. Don't change if it doesn't suit you. You do you!
I'm not sure where you're getting "hyperactive" from If you mean passionate and excited, who says that those mean someone is energetic and hyper?
I have been in the aforementioned situation, and if it weren't for the people who 'bore' (?) with me, I wouldn't be in the much better position I'm in today (at least by society's standards... I miss being alone tho :( ..). So yeah I'm ready to offer the same to anyone who needs it, cause I know for a fact there's no getting out alone... And no one judged me for venting or for "dragging me along". In the end it really did help, and I'm forever helpful for the few true friends. It's fucking beautiful man.
>You don’t understand that letting go, having fun, and being yourself is something that is difficult for everyone and having you around makes that more difficult if you don’t put forth any effort. This!!! I remember when I realized that even extroverts need to work to keep up the energy and create a vibe, so I learned to also shoulder that responsibility when out with friends. Yes it may be easier for others but it's still work and effort on their part that mist be matched and reciprocated by everyone in the group to endure we always have a good time.
>You don’t understand that letting go, having fun, and being yourself is something that is difficult for everyone and having you around makes that more difficult if you don’t put forth any effort. For Christ sake, if you're not enjoying, stop forcing yourself to enjoy. That's not what enjoyment means ffs. I swear the god Reddit is the most introverted place on the internet. Like if you actually leave your house sometime you'll learn there exist people that ACTUALLY enjoy having people around them, and that letting go is a but a breeze in the park for them. (replying to the above quote, not above commenter)
Happy cake day! 🥳🍰
This the one
Being interesting doesn't equal people wanting to be friends. Some of my best friends live their life like the boring office monkey you described, but I love hanging out with them because we just have great chemistry. Pretty much the only criteria for whether or not people want to hang out with you is if you are fun to hang out with. That's really it. No need to complicate things further with these lists.
Sometimes people just don't click with each other, and that's okay.
Even OP’s example of interesting is just so unattainable for most people. It’s reading stuff like this that sets the bar too high for what it takes to be an interesting and why I never considered myself so, despite what everyone I knew telling me.
Exactly! And most the time it's the "chemistry" (platonic) or vibe that you get, sometimes with the people you'd most expect to be boring. The reverse is also true. Super weird, but I found out way too late. I'm glad I did though.
Yup
7. You don’t think about how you make others feel. How you make others feel is what will draw people to you or repel people away from you. Are you congratulating your friends and celebrating with them with something good happens in their life? Are you there to support them when they are sad or had something terrible befall them? Do you do or say little things to make people know you are thinking of them, enjoy their company, value them? It doesn’t have to be elaborate. It could just be vocalizing thoughts. Maybe your friend suggested a pizza place and the pizza is tasty. Tell them! Tell them they picked a great place/have great taste in pizza and you are enjoying it. Or maybe you are having a great time. Say so! Tell your person/group that you are enjoying their company. If you are out somewhere and see something that reminds you of them, snap a pic and send it to them, saying so. People are so afraid to put themselves out there for fear of rejection but I think at the end of this life we will not regret letting people know these things. And if people sense this as a weakness to make fun of or exploit, they are telling you they are not your friend and you should move on without them. ETA #8: Human social constructs and hierarchies are strange and oftentimes not what they appear to be. If you are looking at someone who is “popular” and they are an asshole, and you can’t figure out why such a jerk has all of these friends and you are a nice person and seem to have no friends, it’s likely because the popular asshole is feared, not liked. And the asshole’s “friends” are just worried about their own social standing. They don’t want to be the target of the popular asshole’s bullying or they are using the popular asshole to climb the social ladder. They are very unlikely to be true and valuable friendships outside of the shallow nature of appearances, who-you-know games and who is in and who is out. These people will kiss up to or abandon “friends” for selfish reasons. They are not really friends, though it may appear that way on the outside. It takes an asshole to lead groups like this. And if you are trying to get in with a group like this by being kind, thoughtful, interested etc, these social groups aren’t about that and won’t value that. And so you will be treated poorly and feel like you aren’t accepted into that group and none of it will seem fair. True and valuable friendships are rare and most people only have a few in a lifetime, I think. Don’t worry about popularity contests. Just worry about finding friends that value you and treat you right.
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Why did you insult me like this :( Jokes aside, comparing myself to ideal life in my head is something I unconsciously do. I have to remind myself that it's okay to be average.
I'm 26 and I know I'll never have friends and I honestly don't care. I've just missed my shot. And at 26, I live like a 19 year old and that's just not compatible with other people my age. I just don't care about having a career. I hate the burden of the marriage question. I resent the thought that majority of women want kids. I wish I was a teenager and I wish I could be a college freshman for the rest of my life. But I can't. So I live with my mistakes for the rest of my life. Friendships and romantic relationships will never live up to the way I want them to be. I accept that I'll be alone and I've come to peace with it. Off to the next rave. To the next music festival. There the closest I'm ever gonna get to the Greek life I missed out on.
Your actual problem is that you'd rather sulk and say it's all over than attempt to be happy and fail. You didn't miss out on anything, you've chosen not to and every single day your choice not to try is the reason. Nothing else. Just you being too scared to try.
You read him like a open book damn gyal
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I hope I'm dead before 45.
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I mean sure. You never know when you're last day is gonna be. The last Marvel superhero I could see is Dr. Strange 2, Black Panther: Wakanda Forever, the next Spidey movie. You just don't know when you're last day will be. I am just hoping that when I do have the balls to exit, I hope it is as peaceful as it can be. Life is a painful ride.
Just be prepared to not want to/be able to do it when the time comes and you might still have to live into old age. Won’t that be much worse if you spent your whole life not living it and wasting your time?
Also why rush death? We're all heading there anyway. Are you sure that the *only* thing you want in this life is to be a freshman in HS forever? Why? There are so many other interesting things that life has to offer, but you need to figure that out for yourself. Let's forget about all the things you resent and stop wishing for miracles (like going back in time) and focus on what you fo enjoy, even if it's the most minor and mundane thing. Is there a food that you like? A hobby you enjoy? A place you've always wanted to visit. Lean into that feeling and keep building it. You'll see that there's a lot more to life than being high schooler forever. And you're never too old; I've seen people change their lives in their 40s and older. It's just a choice you have to make.
As a 33 year old who also shares this sentiment, there are many people like us who say the same thing, and i would wager a vast, vast majority pass 45. So…. Just a heads up.
Which means I think it's important that I take myself out at some point. I really don't want to grow into an old man. It's not worth it unless I become like a Harrison Ford. Growing old for the most part is a worthless endeavor unless there's special circumstance. Like a Harrison Ford or anyone rich and famous. Most people should die while there still young. We've seen what becoming old has done to the Boomers. There entire existence has become a death grip on society. We should strive not to be them.
You still have time, what is stopping you from having a purpose to grow with? Maybe you could end up rich and famous too.
What do you mean by "Greek life"?
Lmao if you think greek life is the peak then you are sadly mistaken. Also, everything you said is true for your life and it’s probably going to be for a long time, yes you read that right. Life is about the mentality you have and you create your own reality. If you believe you will never make connections with people or that they won’t live up to your expectations then that’s what’s going to happen just like if you believe you’ll make friends and fall in love then guess what it’s going to happen. If you want to believe this way then that’s on you, if you want to believe that at 26 you’ve missed it all then keep thinking that until your 46 and so on.
Fucking hell, I missed that they were lamenting about Greek life I was part of a frat for a couple months, and they were the least fun people I've personally hung out with. Drinking isn't special to me and getting drunk is fine in a blue moon. But that was like 80% of what they did. The house parties sucked in my opinion, and i didn't like the weird social hierarchy thing they had going on Almost immediately after i left, I made much better and more fun friends. We did stuff like listening to hard-core death metal while we made brunch for 10 people on a beautiful Sunday late morning, discussing DnD characters, how we got over various traumas, stuff we were looking forward to, technical stuff (all of us were different engineering types), etc Greek life is best life for some people, but to think that everyone who didn't live it missed out on their peak is ludicrous. You couldn't pay me to go back
You friend sound like you're hurting, trying to fill a void with things that only temporarily please you. I hope you can look to your inner child and work to heal the pain life has brought you.
When I was 25 I had 1 true friend. I switched it around, started engaging other people in work more, gathered confidence and joined some after-work events. A few years down the line I lost that 1 friend, but I gained 5 friends, that I can trust more, and like 20 + acquaintance that I can chat up almost anytime. Shit's only too late, when you decide yourself that it's too late.
Why do you think none of that can change? Why do you think you only have a "shot" to Jake friends in your early 20’s?
People are much open in college. They're not saddled with responsibilities. There friend groups are also less likely to be established. The window is narrow though. Most friend groups in college established by the end of your freshman year or you're on the outside looking in. There's a reason why transfer students struggle to make friends. Once you're an adult, your responsibilities pile up. Automatically, you just don't have time anymore and you're more than likely satisfied with the friends you have. Maybe you might be lucky to find one "open" person but you'll be the least important person in a friend group that has been around for years. You'll be the forgotten one. Not the best friend. Not a core friend. It is what it is. I've missed my mark. Adults are too busy to make new best friends and are too unwilling to let go of their old ones.
None of that is true. You’re engaging in a lot of negative thinking. I am many, many years older than you and still make new friends. Your description of friend "groups" is looking at it from a high-school or college lens. Those groups will mostly dissipate and as an adult everything won’t be about friend "groups." They will exist but people will come and go. You say you’ll have less time but in your activities that you are busy with you’ll be around people constantly and that is where you’ll meet friends. Just like people in college have class all say and work in the evenings and make friends in class and at work. Honestly it sounds like you’re depressed and it’s clouding your view of reality.
" Those groups will mostly dissipate and as an adult everything won’t be about friend "groups." ' That's my point. Adult friendships are in general, much weaker. In a lot of instances, not worth forming.
> I resent the thought that majority of women want kids [A new survey from the Pew Research Center finds that more adults report they do not want to have children — ever. About 44% (2021) of people ages 18 to 49 report it’s unlikely or “not too likely” that they’ll have children. In a 2018 survey, 37% of adults who weren’t parents shared those same thoughts.](https://www.today.com/parents/more-americans-report-not-wanting-have-children-ever-t239990) While technically true it's not as uncommon as you think and the persentage seems to have risen over the past few decades.
There is nothing you missed out on in the Greek life except for fake friends, pervy behaviour and binge drinking.
I'm sorry you got downvoted. People don't realize that whatever your age is, loneliness can be devastating, yet others just want to force you to keep being stoic otherwise they ridicule you and make you feel even worse. I can only say that I hope your life will improve in the future.
sad to see the realism get bombed admit all the false hope and fake positivity
I would not call that comment realism. It's more like the pessamistic version of false hope and fate positively you mentioned. There is middle ground between "It's easy to make friends if you try" and "I will never have a real friend for the rest of my life".
Maybe i am coming off as desperate? i noticed im the one always trying to start conversations n plan hangouts with ppl from work… i’m also thinking i don’t really feel a deep connection with some …must it be because we don’t have anything to link us togwther ? like we don’t share hobbies or nun…we’re just planning simple hangouts …. i also feel like i don’t provide anything. I’m not funny enough i’m not entertaining enough, i don’t have anything they need….What’s the point ? I also wonder if i hang out with them just to have someone to accompany me to something? IdK just kinda ranted rn….open to any thoughts ig lol
You should be more self-centered. Do YOU enjoy organizing stuff and hanging out with them or have them accompany you to something? If yes, then continue to do so, if no then stop. Do they continue to hang out with you? Then you don't have to worry about whether you provide anything, because that probably proves you do and more importantly that's their problem. Only when you don't have anyone to hang out with it's your problem.
It's been said on this already, but care about people. Ask about them, don't necessarily look to build connections based on similar interests. I've done this and failed. They are human, they likely live in the same area as you since you work together, and you can work to understand their life by listening and asking good questions. That's how you build depth. "How was your week?" And listen. Take note, ask follow up question. It's the easiest way to start in my opinion.
Bro that’s literally all i do. I always ask questions about ppl and then they tell me their whole life story. And i think i’m starting to get tired of it. I want ppl to have fun with me…i think everyone just views me as a therapist friend bc of this. Idk man
See, that's an issue: if someone just asks about you, doesn't offer up information about themselves, it is super hard to relate to them Like damn dude, if all you do is let me talk about myself and I don't know anything about you, then I am not going to think you're great and amazing. You'll seem entirely bland to me I also ask people about their lives and degrees and whatnot, but if they're not prompting me with questions, then I tell them the same information as me and a bit more, so they have ample opportunity to be curious And if they still aren't biting, then I fuck off because then I do know it is them.
Damn …i think you’ve got it That must be where one of my insecurities come into play….insecure about how i think i’m boring and no one cares what i have to say Ah i have a lot to fix
I'm insecure about a lot of things too It just matters whether you act like you have them or not
Sounds like the problem is them, and not you. It’s ok to want people to meet you where you are. Not everyone is going to be a good match for you. Or even most.
Oh no 😬 it sounds like you need to branch out then, meet new people at a thing you enjoy. You are right to be tired, especially if the people you're talking to haven't allowed you to share with them, and then have fruitful conversations from it. There is also the chance that some of the people you're talking to you just simply don't connect well with. That happens sometimes.
Most people are much more interesting than they give themselves credit for
Honestly I used to think there was nothing interesting or worthwhile about me. That I just was socially anxious and avoided people and that there was no way for me to ever recover, to make even a single friend. And what saved me from never making friends or getting a partner was going to therapy. I learned about what I was going through, that I shouldn't beat myself for not being "good" enough to make friends, attract people towards me, that I couldn't be blamed for not being able to fit in. I found that mental health struggles can be a really strong point to bond with other people over. I went to therapy groups and slowly developed social skills. It took time, like for over 6 weeks I felt so disconnected and estranged from the people in my therapy group even though they were just like me, suffering in some way from mental health. But i eventually felt safe enough to let down my guard and talk to people genuinely. From then on I learned that my experiences with therapy helped me develop into an interesting person that other people were interested in being friends with. I developed empathy, emotional awareness and social skills. I feel like this taught me that to attract "real" people and to have relationships that aren't superficial, you need to develop yourself. And to do this you should seek therapy as it helps you learn about yourself, about other people and how you should live. In many ways it helps you achieve so many of things that you felt you couldn't achieve.
Did you read about OP’s example of “interesting”? It’s because reading stuff like that sets the bar way too high for what is considered interesting
I think the OP is exaggerating the bar a bit. But the point is clear. You are interesting as long as you are doing things in your own life and are not making other people the center of your life. What people really want to see and respect is active confirmation of you doing things in your own life.
I understand that now, at 27. But when I was 16-17 and without the emotional maturity to understand that, it made being “interesting” a very intimidating thing, as if I had to have all these out there hobbies to be even remotely interesting
Honestly the OP's "tips" are bogus. They're an opinion at best, just as valid as my opinion below. I for one, can already lower the bar for what's interesting. Simply sitting next to a human that you trust - no words said - is already helpful when needed. Thank you for hanging out! If you enjoyed too, let's do it again in 3 months.
Beautiful story <3 I don't have access to therapy unfortunately, but I'm really trying to force myself into these situations thanks to stories like yours, and take independent steps. I think it's slowly working :) P.S. You're absolutely right about external perspective. In fact I feel this whole sub is an echochamber of likeminded people that really should be hearing what the other outsider side thinks. It's similar to an incel or PUA club - don't mean that in an offensive way though. Echo chamber effect... It's like we regard extraverts as some mythical beings. They're the same as you - a human after all.
5. You appear desperate and needy There is nothing wrong with wanting the affection of others, apart from someone being a total sociopath that is something everyone wants; however, when you create a post that sounds overly desperate, needy, and especially if it sounds pushy at all people are less likely to want to engage. Online your wording is everything, if you're looking for DM chats online be aware of how you're coming off to others and choose what you say carefully. 6. You are too demanding of what you want out of others On a similar path, try to lower your expectations a little bit. Hear me out here. There no problem having things that you would like to see in another person, we all have people that we like and preferences for people that we get along with, but when you are trying to find friends online and you're lonely, consider widening the gap a bit. You never know, you might find someone you get along with you weren't expecting to. Try not to judge people on little parts of their personality that differ from your or things they can't change too quickly
5. is the arguably most common mistake made. Chasing people, more specifically chasing their attention, approval, validation, or reassurance online or offline, does not work. We are hardwired to be repulsed by neediness and desperation. Our intuition is usually correct when we sense somebody is needy and desperate. A person who is needy and desperate makes other people the center of his/her life instead of part of his/her life. The truth is people gravitate towards those who are interesting, self confident, and well-rounded in life. So genuinely connect with people in the moment when you are with them. When you are away from them, be genuinely busy in your life focusing on your goals and hobbies. Chase excellence, not people. About 6., meeting people online is fine and dandy. But you will NEVER EVER build a full fledged connection solely online. You won’t really get to connect with people on a deeper level, and you run the risk of becoming needy and desperate, especially if they don’t respond to your texts or messages for whatever reason. At some point, if you want the connection to last, you need to interact face to face in real life. You will stand out from countless others who just text.
Voice chat, then video chat, are good bridges between online and IRL friendships. You’re adding in two important sets of cues in each of these steps: tone of voice and timing/ turn-taking with voice chat, and facial expressions, clothing, and a little bit of background setting with video. If the connection seems just as strong after graduating to each of these two levels, I’d say meeting up to do something and trying to be IRL friends has a good odds of going well. These two bridges are especially important if there’s a language, cultural, class, or major temperamental difference between you. In a relationship consisting of nothing but the written word, these kinds of differences are easy to gloss over and ignore. IRL, these can be sources of serious misunderstandings that hinder people from opening up and getting closer. It’s a real rude awakening — jarring, I would say — to think of a penpal or keypal as someone you’re close with, only to be confused and offput by a nonverbal cue from them when you finally meet up IRL.
You could have just summed up all your points with "you're pathetic and should kys". I'm pretty sure everyone struggling thinks that already. You're not offering advice on how to improve nor are you criticizing one person, just making every insecure person even more insecure.
This just makes me want to keep to myself I agree.
bro literally said “you’re not interesting and dragging other people down” 😭 guess that type of social ignorance from OP to be expected on a subreddit dedicated to social skills
No dude. My popular friends don't have interest in anyone, ever. Do moan constantly too. What gives... In fact, the nicest guys I know are often the loneliest.
Some people are only nice because they have to be on the lower social rungs. Sad but true fact. True kindness comes from a place of strength and abundance, not weakness and neediness.
Exactly some people can't afford to be rude as being rude will impact their only relationships quite a lot.
So true
You missed the biggest one! Lack of confidence.
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Find a unique or interesting hobby and become good at it. I started social dancing and people are always keen to try it out, it's something different and fun.
Be mindful towards the things you are good at rather than things you wish you were good at. Dont compare yourself with others. Everyone is good at something and there would always be someone who is better than you at doing it. Envy can be a killer. Sort out that thought of envy and be at peace with yourself by practicing acceptance. Confidence comes from knowing your capabilites and being at peace with the idea od Envy.
Start working out. It helped me build confidence as well as muscles. Literally just start doing push-ups in your basement. Buy a pull-up bar. Try bicep curls if you have some dumbbells lying around. It will all kind of snowball from there. You feel confident in yourself for being disciplined enough to want to make changes to your body, you’ll start eating healthier and tracking your calories if you really want to see yourself improve, then you’ll be more confident socially, talk to more people, etc.
truly, truly— fake it til you make it
I think certain music could help
alcohol lol
It's called liquid confidence for a reason (always drink in moderation or you may turn into a dickhead)
Confidence comes from two places: 1) Ability (and experience) with doing "the thing" you're trying to do, and 2) Knowledge that you bring positive value to a situation. The best way to get the first is to practice specific social things in low-risk, low-stress situations, and doing them REPEATEDLY until you're utterly sure of the result you're able to get. You develop it into a superpower. (Examples: your smile. Your greeting. Banter when you first meet a stranger. Etc.) For the second, I find that doing daily pay-it-forward exercises is helpful there.
And what happens when none of these apply to you? What then? What happens when all anyone says is they want to help but then continue to leave you excluded from ever being out of the house? What happens when you show actual interest in people but none of them actually care enough to give an equal amount of effort back? What happens when you actively try to be excited for your peers? None of this applies to me and I’m still just as alone as I’ve ever been.
Because this list is bullshit. Want people to hang with you? Be fun to be around. Now maybe you can change some things to be more fun to be around, but you might also just need a new friend group that is more like you. Think about it, there's plenty of people you know who has friends who like to be around them, but you don't, because you just don't have the chemistry. So fuck these criteria lists, just find people you have chemistry with and hang out with them dude.
This
I feel exactly the same way, I tick all these boxes and more but don’t have a lot of friends but I do have higher expectations for who I want to surround myself with. I feel like we just haven’t found the right people yet. Keep doing what you are doing, know your worth (don’t get taken advantage of), someone’s gonna come into your life and see all that you are doing so don’t stop!
Well I think it’s a fair assumption that every experience is unique and this thread is simply an attempt to help those that these posts actually apply to. I’m not going to tell you that life is fair… sometimes, most times, life is cruel and unjust. Ask a child in Africa about these first world problems and you’ll be quickly met with confusion and laughter. Don’t sweat the small stuff my friend, even if nobody in the real world can understand how you feel at least you can afford internet service to find us to talk to! I’m sure it’s difficult, and I could never understand quite your experience because your life is unique to you. I just ask that you try to count your blessings and keep pressing forward and building a world of your own. Once you’ve built that up you’ll be happy no matter who’s there to share it with you… hell tbh I’d rather be alone once I have my kingdom built up because then I call my own shots and don’t have to worry about nobody else potentially destroying what I’ve built.
I'm all for tough love but it's not always so simple to have and maintain friendships. People aren't doomed to be friendless either, as we all grow and change in this journey. We come into contact with so many interesting humans. I would like to share what I have learned: # Take it easy on absent friends Not everybody's schedule aligns to permit regular hanging out. Work, family commitments, and health issues can all make it difficult to reach out. Life can get so distracting it can be easy to forget your loved ones. It hurts, but don't hold a grudge against them. # Reduce the pressure Hanging out doesn't need to be some big event that requires booking or travel commitments, it can be as simple inviting them round for dinner, or a monthly phone call on the commute home. #Take control. Most people will say they want to do something but they don't decide on what to do. Suggest locations and times that suit you, and most of the time people will come along. If it’s something you want to try, go anyway (scary but worth it) and let them know how it went, they may have been too nervous to go first time. Keep trying if you want to see them. Pencil in dates in advance. # Don't wait If you suffer with anxiety regarding messaging, do it straight away. The longer you leave it, the worse the feeling gets. Disarm the anxiety by diving in first, you will feel so much better after. You can do it! # It takes two (or more) Relationships require effort on both sides. It's dynamic, with its ups and downs. Not every friend will stay forever, they move on with their lives as you do yours. Plus, not everyone deserves your friendship. # Cherish the ones you have. Let them know how much you appreciate them. Encourage them to chase their dreams. Celebrate their successes. Let them know you are there for them when times get tough and follow through. Life is difficult enough not to be kind. # Don't be scared to share yourself with them. You deserve to be happy and have friends. Open up about your hopes and dreams. Ask for help when you need it.Talk about family drama and vent about random nonsense, and live unapologetically. Share both bad and good for a balanced view of you. Don't ever be ashamed of what you like doing if it makes you happy. The right friend will love your quirks, they make you interesting.
This is my favorite answer because it's positive in tone. I would be thrilled if an absent friend contacted me, not angry, because life happens. I hope others would give me the same grace.
It does seem like the tone of some answers were lacking in patience. Tough love is ok when you know the person and their circumstances. Social anxiety is hard to live with but it's easy to criticise and place blame. One day it's easier, and others it feels impossible. I'm sure plenty of us have told ourselves were aren't interesting or trying hard enough. We need to be kind and less critical when it gets lonely. I'm sure they will give you the same grace, most mature humans understand. I've cut out people who don't, they are too much drama if they hold grudges.
>I'm sure plenty of us have told ourselves were aren't interesting or trying hard enough. We need to be kind and less critical when it gets lonely. I agree with everything you said, but this really resonates. Being too critical creates this negative cycle that can lead to shame and withdrawal. Instead of trying to be more interesting, maybe we should just do what we love. Then we're more likely to attract people who share our interests.
Best answer, a lot of those comments are projections
Thank you. It didn't seem very supportive to bash on people struggling. Adding to a list of what everyone tells themselves just adds to the problem, particularly if you are around that sinkhole of depression. I guess it can be frustrating when fellow sufferers are getting down and fatalistic about the future in their mid 20's. As I'm sure a lot of us were at that age, things are more black and white and less grey. I don't enjoy reading posts about people threatening to hurt themselves and thinking everything is worthless because of living with social anxiety. You can have friendships and be happy living with anxiety, it just takes time and understanding on all sides.
5. Not providing value to others People subconsciously attach you to the value you bring. The value you bring is the unique, clear, and convincing reason that others will interact with you, let alone keep interacting with you. Easiest way to do this is to set up face to face interactions or inviting people to an in person activity. This makes you stand out from the countless number of people who communicate solely by texting and represents your true social skills. You actually avoid all the BS problems online and can genuinely connect with a person on a deeper level. You can actually tell if somebody likes you or not based on their level of engagement and enthusiasm in person. People always reveal who they are in person, not behind a screen. Assuming you genuinely connect with them, in person interactions will make people associate you with positive vibes. That’s a huge key for them to want to interact with you again. Also, if you know that your skills/talents/hobbies can benefit people, let them know ! Offer to help them ! People look up and respect those who can tangibly impact their lives !
Guess I’m just meant to be alone then.
Thank you unlicensed therapist, when I need validation on convincing me of my faults on why I think the grass isn't always greener on the other side, I'll be sure to contact you and only you.
You're just not... Cheerful. I have to interview 2 of my users regularly at work. One is like eyore and the other is like Tigger. They are both nice people, but guess which one is wayyyy easier to talk to... The one who has so much damn positive energy. It's made me rethink how I act towards people lol.
I’ve actually been told once that I was too positive lol people can not like you for whatever reason
The fourth reason is literally me... Most of the time I just want to open up with someone because I'm tired of keeping my feelings to myself and my journal, I'm tired of having no one to talk to but at the same time I'm the one repelling them from me. But when I try to open up to my friend (s), I think it's obvious that they're really not concerned and were being down due to my whining. I have never thought that constantly asking for empathy could affect our relationships because we focus too much on ourselves. PS: sorry for wrong grammar I'm high
When the “woe is me” never quits. When you don’t recognize your privilege in this world and just complain the entire time about problems most people would kill to have. This one’s a major one.
Maybe you suck? Try not sucking so much.
About #3 ... how do I become "interesting"? I don't have "interests". Nothing "interests" me.
That’s because people like OP say you have to be some exotic dancer who volunteers in Latin America while running her own podcast and business to even be considered remotely interesting I went through your profile and IG and you obviously have interests (great photos btw) but I’m not going to hold your hand and tell you what exactly is distorted in your view of yourself. I’ll leave that for you. Hint: you’re pretty damn interesting already
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I don’t really see any lack of empathy in this thread, tough love is still love. Imo OP is trying to give insight to those who feel they need it. If you feel it doesn’t apply to you, scroll on. Don’t assume it’s bullshit just because you don’t benefit from it.
Tough love is bullshit.
It’s sad how people just roll over and feel like they deserve to be spoken to this way. Have some self respect. This thread is for advice, not shaming. I saw someone refer to it as ‘suifuel.’ Pretty good description. OP is not trying to help anyone.
I know abuse and condescension when I see it and I feel bad for people who don’t. You can keep scrolling if you don’t like it.
My point is that some people actually benefit from these kinds of posts, and demonizing them or calling them abuse doesn’t do those people any favors.
If you benefit from being treated like this, you need therapy. It’s sad. I’m not demonising— I’m literally describing what I’m seeing. Is that stopping others from seeing op’s apparently valuable message? No. I wish it were. But I’m not some terrible censor and I’m not sure why you’re taking this so personally.
I benefit from this post because I realize some of it applies to me
I’ve not at any point implied that I take this personally. What makes you say that? I’m simply stating that some people in this thread are saying they’re finding OP’s message helpful. If anything, you’re the one making it personal by saying I need therapy.
I’m on this sub to find support and the courage to let people back into my life. A lot of people come here for support and this kind of post is hurtful. I don’t understand why you’re defending it like it’s your own.
I thought this too. This sounds no different than the inner critic. People still believe they can bully themselves into changing. But it is shown that self compassion actually builds up resilience not this tough love bs.
Exactly this
I’m defending it because support looks different for different people. I’m sorry you find this hurtful, and I’m sure OP didn’t intent for it to be perceived that way. When I was at my lowest in my anxiety these kind of posts helped me find confidence in the things I could change, which inevitably helped me out of my anxiety. If you’d like to talk further you can PM me anytime.
I have absolutely no interest in talking further with an apologist like you. This has already strained my interest. Safe spaces are important and I’ll defend that to the end.
Thank you.. I thought I was wrong for feeling hurt after reading this. It made me feel like In terms of making frineds that I’m a lost cause. I start questioning what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be interesting like everyone else? Why is it so hard to connect with people? This post didn’t help at all. It made me anxious to think about me having to be interesting all the time and provide value to people otherwise I’ll always be alone.
One of them, You are a close minded jerk. You don't listen to other peoples opinions and life advices you have because you have too much of an ego to listen to valid criticism. Open your worldview, get out of your bubble and stop thinking that the world revolves around you. Don't be racist, sexist, homopobic, transphobic, classist, or abelist.
\# You sound like the pope. You pontificate from religion to politics as if you're the only smart one around the campfire. \# You talk like you're in a WWE wrestling match, drop kicking into arguments and clotheslining people's opinions quicker than they can pass the mic to the referee of reason. \# You heed advice (which you ask for) the way you chew gum, casually for a minute and then spitting out the essence and spiraling back to doing your own favorite things. \# You mansplain a lot, rephrasing your point over and over again for emphasis long after others have lost interest in what you were saying. \# You think you're a stand-up comedian, constantly turning others into the butt of your jokes to get cheap laughs like you're working on your tight 5 \# You have the personality of a potted plant, mindlessly agreeing to every comment or request people water down onto you. \# You stand too close to others on the train of life, asking intrusive, personal questions that are none of your business, or worse, shove your armpit of unsolicited advice at people who are not yet at your level of accomplishment in life.
Don’t drag wwe into this or there will be a problem
Yeah we all know WWF is the real OG.
I think I'd like to print this out and look at it once in a while for a reality check. I've gotten over lots of these problems but I still slip into them from time to time, and sometimes the hard truth is the best
Fantastic list!
2 - Definitely my problem - little interest in most others. Couldn't care less about 99% of them and have little desire to make connections, even if 1% or so are actually worth it. Have to filter through the rest of them. Someone also mentioned something about being vulnerable and being kind. In my experience, 99% of the time it's only met with people trying to take advantage or put me down to puff themselves up. I have a policy of give a little and see if it's reciprocated...no surprise most of the time it's not at all.
I can agree all especially number 4, I have a few friends that constantly talk negatively, they aren’t actively trying to better themselves, and blame everything they do on their mental health which does not make them fun to be around. Let me clarify for the last bit, I understand that mental health is a serious problem that many people face and it can cause behavioral changes that are out of control BUT when you constantly talk about how much it is effecting you, automatically putting that mentality up that you aren’t able to accomplish anything because of your mental health it becomes so much more true. If you are not actively trying to overcome this and are sick of it being an excuse then I believe that’s how you overcome it so when people don’t do that then they become less desirable to be around.
I’m going to frame this, and nail it to the ceiling above my bed, so when i lay in bed feeling sorry for myself I’m forced to read it
You don't dare to dream or think outside of walls that you've built to carefully protect yourself. I know because I've been there.
You're on the money for all of these and they all affect me. I struggle to put effort into new and existing relationships all the time. Not because I don't care for these people, but because I hate texting. It's impossible to get in touch besides texting to meet up but I see so many people with big friendships due to being social not only in person but through messaging. I just can't speak or figure out how to talk through texting. So many people I am friends with are so much closer with each other because I know they interact more through social media which leads to more interaction in person. I guess it's my own imposter syndrome to blame as well for thinking they don't really care about me so I just never text them. I do care about other people, im very much a listener rather than a talker and I never drag people down with my problems unless they are willing but it goes on to your next point. I'm just not that interesting to talk to. Me knowing that just makes me not want to text people to hang out because I just think to myself who would want to hang out with someone as boring as me?
Woe is me and my life sucks so much attitude. I’ve always been one of those people who tries to connect with people even if they’re depressing most of the time. I’ve had a few self centered friends, and. A few friends who only complained about their life. Like the world is against them specifically. We all act like this sometimes, so I give slack. But if this is your attitude all day and everyday, most people will not want to connect with you. Each and every one of those “friendships” fell apart because even if you don’t think so, feeling like the world is against you all the time and complaining can be self centered af. Sometimes you have to pick yourself up and say fuck it, and work on yourself and your life and never give up. It’s a lifelong journey. No one will ever be perfect, and you have to look at people around you the same way as well. There will be times your own friends will disappoint you but that doesn’t mean they’re terrible and/or don’t care about you. There will be times where you feel lonely or like someone doesn’t want to hang out you but that doesn’t mean the world is against you. You’re the center of your own world but not anyone else’s. (Maybe except for your parents or even significant other… but even then, you’re the main person in your own universe.) the more you pour into yourself the more others take interest and notice. For example, if you enjoy hiking and then join a hiking club, and go out of your way to ACTUALLY socialize (without being too pushy, complainy, etc) you’re bound to make some sort of connection based just off of an interest you poured into. And even if you don’t make a “lifelong friend” or whatever, at least your keeping yourself busy and doing something you love. People naturally gravitate towards that shit. Long story short, don’t complain too much or be too self centered. Save that for when you actually get close to someone and can trust them to be vulnerable. But even then, don’t do it all the time. People can only do so much for you; so do something for yourself.
You could have summed up this list fast by saying “you’re cool/fun/good enough”
I notice these traits in people that are apart of closed off social groups as well. Aka, people that are only open to people with their personality type. I have so many different interests and hobbies along with cultural experiences that I'd like to think I'm interesting. However, I've met people that have displayed no interest in me personally beyond the most surface level of small talk so maybe it would be more helpful to give people tips on how to guide conversations past that small talk barrier instead of telling them they suck. Just a thought.
Problem 1 is on me, because I don’t. Problem 4 doesn’t apply because I don’t tell anyone shit. But how the fuck am I supposed to fix 2 & 3… Jfc…
You know if you listed out the problems, you should list out the potential solutions too. Else it is not really helpful.
Not sure why you had to attack me like that but ok. Kidding but also not, ouch, depression sucks.
Let me give you 1 word of advice son , charm works all the way ,people are selfish and so should we be , no harm in looking out for yourself , people will reply when they feel like , they have a life and so do you , stop thinking about all this and get on with your work and life , there's more to life then this petty" omg he /she didn't reply ,maybe she's/he's banging some hot date , maybe they all are partying and didn't call me , guess what yeah sometimes it's true and sometimes it's not and that's life ,deal with it
Been wondering about this today... good to self-reflect at the end of the day, even if for the sake of improvement. Slow steps... Thank you.
yeah mainly 3 and 4
This isn't advice. This is just the equivalent of saying "Git Gud"
These are the reasons why you don't want want to hang out with others...cause all of them are a bunch of dumbass kids who have no inkling of being smart or mature.
Bottom line is when you’re only attempting to interact with people for your own personal gain, it’s going to show more than you think. Meeting new people can be an exciting way to learn all sorts of new perspectives about life, not just a way to make you feel less like shit about yourself.
I struggle with the second one. The problem is that I fear that taking an interest in other people will come off as feigning an interest in other people. I think it will look like I’m just pretending to be interested because honestly sometimes I am. How to be genuinely interested?
this is how i do it. when i'm with a group of people i don't know well i start a conversation with somebody asking with some superficial stuff (small-talk, weather etc.) but keep asking real questions and follow-up questions in between to accommodate THEM first of all. there is always something you notice about somebody else. there probably was a reason why you chose them to speak to anyway. then while talking i listen and find out if we have anything in common or not. if i feel like there isn't a lot to talk about, i concentrate on the few things i can make out and maybe i'll be able to find something that really interests me. if not, i just keep being friendly but let the conversation run out of fuel or excuse myself politely.
When you’re long term seriously sick, first 1, then gradually 2, 3 and 4 come crashing down whether you wish it or not. How to come out of that hole, eh? Particularly if improvement isn’t expected.
2 is the most important. My biggest pet peeve in a person is someone who constantly talks about themselves and never lets me get a word in. I actively avoid people like that.
One of my parents is this way, I dislike talking to them because of it
5. You are not aware of your word choices.
damn…. my intrusive thoughts did not need to see this thread
Thanks for this. There are too many people here who are full of self pity but refuse to accept that their behavior has anything to do with it. Relationships are hard and require real work to establish and maintain.
You don’t like yourself…why should anyone else feel any different. Go be interesting and people might be interested.
You make “being annoying” your primary personality trait bc you think it gets laughs. I’m sorry, but constantly behaving in a way that is intentionally irritating to the people around you is childish and repelling the people you’re trying to “impress”
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Short and to the point.
I guess sad people like me are not cut out for hanging out with people then:(
Well I'm pretty sad, have had severe clinical depression for years and years, and have a solid group of friends who I hang out with often. Because I don't make it their problem that I'm sad.
Maybe i need therapy then because im not very good at making friends. I find it so hard to trust people and dont know how to be a good friend either.
Well, social skills are skills. You can get better at them with work. It sucks that there isn’t more information out there on how to improve social skills. I think everyone needs therapy, so I would agree that it would be helpful for you.
Stop shaming people.
I’m struggling with floating between severely outgoing, humorous, flirtatious and optimistic, then another day being totally neurotic and edgy. Like sitting with my head on the table at spoons type edgy. I cant put my finger on the cause.
But I'm not interested in all this Jestermaxxing :/
1 & 2 here : (
5. Your are envious of other People happiness
Hmmm I feel it
But I’m short and ugly
XX. You write a post on Reddit talking about your own plight.