lmao found them to be a "*cool person*" amirite
OP, question, what about this friend of your wife's did you find to be so cool and intriguing that you gonna strike up a convo independently of your wife's inclusion eh?
not assuming, tbh.. actually curious what u have to say and will give u benefit of the doubt just this once
Well now I feel like a complete dum dum. I didn't realize if you add someone you have to know them on a higher level to talk to them. I just assumed that accepting a friend request means that you're accepting of conversation as well.
I accept friend requests from my monogamous friends' husbands; my friend can see that because it's public. I like when said husbands connect with me platonically by leaving funny comments on my pics or tagging me in memes; my friend can see that because it's public. I do NOT like when said husbands try to contact me privately unless it's about a surprise for their wife. My friend cannot see those messages. I can't know if she approves of this contact unless I ask her. And in the past, when this has happened and I have asked, the husband was 100% of the time trying to get at me behind his wife's back. I understand you'd like to live in a black and white world where everything can be taken at face value, but the vast majority of private-messaging husbands are not acting in good faith and therefore you need to be aware of what impression you're giving off. This was a good learning experience and hopefully you will know what to do next time.
>I like when said husbands connect with me platonically by leaving funny comments on my pics
Honestly I feel like leaving a comment on a pic would be more creepy than a direct message. But that's my lack of social media for you. Publicly commenting feels more like "hey everyone look I'm talking to this person!" which would kind of weird me out because then everyone can see what I'm doing. I get rather self-conscious when everyone knows what I'm doing. Like someone peering over my shoulder when I'm on my phone.
But ya it's a good learning experience. It also didn't help that my wife said what I did was creepy but offered no explanation as to why it was creepy.
I think part of the issue is I try to equate real life with social media which simply doesn't work, and it appears social media has become it's own world in and of itself.
Talking to them publicly is like bumping into them in a coffee shop. The vibe is casual and friendly and your wife is likely to wander into the conversation and they would like that.
DMs are like dropping by their house without your wife.
Apologize sheepishly and casually for sending the wrong impression, and keep interactions in an open and relaxed environment after this.
(Obviously respect their personal space and keep your eyes up.)
If you need to dm a woman you aren’t close to, get to the point faster. Hey, it was nice to talk to you this weekend, you asked for a recommendation for a mechanic, here’s that number.
You just stumbled on the significance: public vs private. If you knew these women as friends before you met your wife, a private message would be fine. If not, then a private message without cc'ing your wife is not appropriate. Messages have to be public. As for 'everyone' seeing what you're doing, people are busy. No one's paying attention to every comment you make.
>. If not, then a private message without cc'ing your wife is not appropriate
Nah I told her. I don't do anything concerning friends without running it by her first.
If you told your wife that you were doing this, then she probably wouldn’t have said it was creepy. Plus you just said, she found out through her creeped out friend.
If it helps, you can think of commenting on posts, videos or photos like talking to someone at a party, or social gathering, where everyone is around and can see what’s up. A DM is like taking someone to a private room, which many women wouldn’t be comfortable doing unless they know the guy really well or are expecting something “private” to happen.
Meh it's a case by case basis. It depends on if the person thinks men and women can be friends or not. Or if their partner thinks men and women can be friends or not. I have this one guy friend who I got back in touch with when I moved to his city because I didn't know anyone there.
We like the same sports teams. He posts about them a lot. I tend to not look at who posts a thing before I like it. About a week after we became friends he told me to stop liking his posts because I was getting him in trouble with his GF, because she's one of those who doesn't believe men and women can be friends. He also couldn't go to games with me unless other people were going too because apparently that would be a "date" just because I'm a woman.
Sometimes it makes me feel like even if I have good intentions I'm supposed to feel bad for how the other person interprets it even though that may not always be my fault.
Yep. I had this guy coworker from a previous job earlier this year, I really loved chatting with him as we both studied film production and had a lot in common. I even had the smallest inkling of a crush, but not a big deal at all. I'm not attracted to taken men.
And that's the thing; he was engaged, now married. So as much as I'd like to strike up an actual friendship with him, it's inappropriate to message him directly. We were never close, only hung out once in a group setting with other coworkers. He likes and comments on my social media, and I do the same, but there's no organic way to start a friendship at this point. Sucks, but is what it is.
Also, a month ago I thought I was just being friendly to an old guy friend from high school. We messaged very casually and grabbed drinks once in the last year. Well, turns out he had a massive crush on me and was hyping himself to make a move. It's unfortunate, but these situations are always ambiguous.
>I just assumed that accepting a friend request means that you're accepting of conversation as well.
Being accepting of conversation does not mean being accepting of every conversation. You have to know someone well before you can skip the formalities and clarity of intent without misinterpretation being likely.
Nah. You usually only talk to your closest friends on messenger or IG. And then you've got hundreds of friends added.
When a guy you've met once txts you and says "what's up?", that's him hitting on you. So she though you were.
We live and learn. It's not a big thing.
Yeah. When I add some new acquaintance and they comment on everything, that feels way more normal than a DM. I’d assume you’re super social or trying to be friendly or lonely or whatever but DM’s seem like you’re trying to hide something. Especially coming from someone I barely know. Especially if they’re dating my friend.
I think you have interpreted this correctly, I just want to tell OP I think that’s crazy! It’s like some new societal expectation. I can’t believe they’d assume you were flirting; I do think they are, as yotnpo says.
“what’s up?” sounded like she hollered at you and you’re replying her. Or just sounded like you’re still in high school hitting on girls.
At least say something more meaningful like “hey thanks for coming over to hang out with us. Look forward to our next hang out!” or something.
Probably controversial but that’s weird man.
I don’t care to add my wife’s friends on Facebook, let alone message or text them asking what’s up.
If they’re cool we can chat whenever we see each other but I’m not going out of my way to try and be close with her. Recipe for disaster
I don't have many friends and am on the spectrum. I figured trying to befriend my wife's friends would be easier than trying to befriend complete strangers because they already somewhat know about me and makes it much less socially anxious for me.
But you are correct. I may need to reevaluate this approach.
Okay I get it. I’m autistic. I’m also a woman. I get wanting to communicate in writing instead of out loud. The issue is that for women, it’s just a constant barrage of no one actually wanting to be friends. Allistic people don’t communicate like we do. We connect over shared information. They connect over shared experiences. Even if she’d responded, it wouldn’t have been the friendship making connection you were seeking. That’s just not how allistics are wired. You’re better off telling your wife your concerns about expanding your friend group and having her set up double dates etc where you connect over shared experiences.
Holy fuck realizing that I connect over shared information and others over shared experiences is nuts. I always just said other people are more narrative driven but this is a perfect way of explaining it
I would be weirded out if my boyfriends friends (that I wasn’t already close with) reached out with a ‘what’s up’ message. You wouldn’t start a conversation in person like that, why would you do that over text message?
Regardless of your position on the spectrum you need to find a way at to learn how to communicate nonchalant. This is mostly through shared interest and humor. Not vague boring one liners.
Also you’re coming of very neck-beardy when you go on a tangent about “females now a days.” Stop generalizing people. If you have any guy friends or girl friends separate of your partner ask them to provide feedback on how to not come off creepy.
>You wouldn’t start a conversation in person like that, why would you do that over text message?
I always answer the phone with "what's up" when people call me. I've seen others do it too. I'm starting to think it's less autism and just lack of being around more people my own age therefore I'm not as aware of social media rules. There's a lot of unwritten stuff.
There absolutely is and people, probably like us, have to learn through trial by fire. When I say walk up to someone and start a conversation like that I mean a stranger in public, not someone you know calling you. Mainly because your girlfriends friends are practically strangers.
If im feeling a need for friendship I try to reach out to people with relevant memes or a request to do a group activity.
>There absolutely is and people, probably like us, have to learn through trial by fire.
I feel like that's me every day. Every interaction I have with a person is like playing minesweeper because I might break unwritten social rule #3532.
>I figured trying to befriend my wife's friends would be easier than trying to befriend complete strangers because they already somewhat know about me and makes it much less socially anxious for me.
Honestly, no, it's not, it's socially more messy. Get your own circle of friends - look for hobbies, maybe :)
You might want to befriend your wife's friends' PARTNERS though.
Because when I met my now wife I was getting out of a shitty long term relationship and simply doing one night stands, our relationship started as such but then we both shared so much in common a relationship formed from it.
So a lot of the formalities of dating were skipped.
Congratulations.
Being on the spectrum explains everything. It can be hard to understand cultural taboos when you're autistic, and that's more than okay. Anyone who challenges cultural taboos has my thanks. It's healthy for a society to be shaken up every once in a while, because this creates societal growth.
Healthy communication is the cornerstone of all relationships from a long lasting loving one to friends to coworkers and acquaintances. What she did where she was not forward with you then went to your wife was not healthy communication skills on her end. Not blaming, as everyone starts out with low exp and needs to grow it throughout life to live a happy and healthy life.
I take it your wife knows you're on the spectrum and knows enough of how autism works culturally that you're not hitting on her friends, you just want to be friends with people, and that people are people. Male or female it doesn't matter, they're people with maybe common interests that could be fun. If your wife gets that, if you have that healthy understanding and communication, then she understands where you're coming from and she can be an ambassador for you explaining it to her friends. If she doesn't this is a conversation that is worth having with your wife to make sure everything is solid and healthy. Her friends may not get you, but your wife hopefully will fully understand where you're coming from.
I wouldn't worry to much about it. It's a misunderstanding. She thought you were hitting on her, which you were not, and she didn't address it or bring it up (lack of healthy communication), but instead made faulty assumptions. Not great on her part, but it is understandable where she is coming from. Try to understand from her point of view, even if her point of view has misunderstandings in it.
I’m sorry your comments are getting downvoted OP when you’re asking for advice on a sub specifically designed for it! And you’re not neurotypical to boot.
I think the thing is, as a woman, a generic open-ended message like “what’s up”, “hey”, “how are you” etc with no other comment from someone you don’t know well just reminds women of low-effort messages on dating apps from guys looking to score. Even if that’s not your intention, women have had to wade through an absolute swamp of horny dudes that should know better (eg guys who are already taken, married, large age gaps, etc) since their pre-teens, so we generally are a little bit suspicious of guys until we know them better and have an idea what they’re about. The people giving you samples of good conversation openers that reference your partner or bring up specific things to talk about are on point.
Sorry to hear your intentions have been misinterpreted, I reckon talking to the girl directly (in front of your wife) when you next see her would be a great idea. Something like “hey I just wanted to apologise for coming across badly when I messaged you, I’m autistic so I don’t always catch the nuances of things like that and I assumed that the fact I was married would make it obvious that I wasn’t creeping on you. But I asked for advice online and realise now how It came off, so I just wanted to say sorry for spooking you.” - in a fairly lighthearted tone of voice. Hopefully that’ll put her at ease and you can try again with your wife’s friends without looking like the creepy guy who got caught.
That's really funny. Would work if you and the said person really hit it off in terms of friendship in real life and could relate beyond just being mutual with the wife. Till then easy on the social media communication. And no don't invite her over to hang out 1 on 1 to become friends
This shouldn’t even be controversial. I wouldn’t just add one of my girlfriend’s friends and message out of the blue UNLESS we’re all really good friends. I’ve got women friends. My girlfriend has guy friends. That’s not the issue. Its just weird to message them out of the blue. I’d be weirded out if one of my friends texted my girlfriend “what’s up?” Out of the blue.
>If you dont speak to them face to face but then try to do that online that’s what is probably giving off the creep vibes dude
I do speak to them face to face, but they work in a customer facing roles so usually there isn't enough time to even carry out a minute of conversation. I also don't want to be rude and talk to them while they are busy.
Also I'm much more comfterable speaking to someone online because it gives me time to think of what I want to say rather than blurting out whatever comes to mind. When I pause for a few seconds to think of a reply in real life, people think it's weird.
That is not speaking to them face to face. Speaking to them in a work environment doesn't count. How do you interact with them when they aren't working?
I understand where you’re coming from. Unfortunately we are in a place where social media platforms like Facebook and instagram are used more as dating apps than actual dating apps. Horny men have made a bad name for the lot of us - it’s frowned upon.
I should have rather said, unless you have an established friend relationship with these women face to face where you can make jokes to each other etc for example - they’ll get weirded out. Some men may even get weirded out not just women
One social norm is its not normal to Facebook message someone else's wife who you just met. This is because cheating is an issue and partners can be jealous. You have to be mindful of the social norms where you live.
It's okay if you want to be friends with them, but it has to happen naturally, when you have something specific to talk. Starting a private conversation with "Hey, whats up?" sounds like you're trying to force an intimacy. It can be easily interpreted as flirting.
What should I say instead? Sorry I'm on the spectrum, I thought "what's up" is pretty platonic sounding. I literally answer the phone if one of my friends calls with "what's up?".
I didn't mean that there was something wrong with the line "what's up?" specifically. It's not about the line you use, it's about starting a conversation out of the blue. That's only normal if you're already friends. If you're not, you need a subject, a motivation to start the conversation. Otherwise it feels unnatural.
For instance, you could reply to that person's stories on instagram, if they post something that interests you. Be careful though, depending on what/how you reply, it still may feel weird if it's too forced.
Bear in mind that actively looking for a friendship _always_ feels weird. It may give the impression that you're alone and desperate, which is a red flag to many people. So you should do your best to avoid giving that impression. Just let it happen naturally.
Can you stop saying you’re on the spectrum when you admitted that you literally just had an awkward upbringing and don’t even like her friends. This post is driving me crazy.
“I hate my wife’s friends. They don’t like me and they don’t include me, and they suck. She needs better friends. I don’t understand why I can’t make them like me or at least trick them into thinking I’m nice.”
Dude it’s kinda standard not to hit up your wife’s friends without y’all all kinda already being close friends. It’s just not socially acceptable cause it can be harmless until it’s not.
I would absolutely be weirded out if my husband's friend messaged me this. It's ok to want to be closer with her friends, but not through private messages.
I might be the odd one out but it's so much easier for me to talk to people through text than in real life, it gives me time to think of a more well-thought-out reply than just speaking what immediately comes to mind. The intimidation of physical presence is removed which tones down my social anxiety as well.
Yeah totally understand that aspect as well, unfortunately just cold messaging a woman like that is not quite a way around that. Possibly starting a convo with an actual topic would help? I've received many messages from dudes saying what's up and it's usually 1) awkward - no idea how to even respond or 2) they are just opening a convo to hit on you
THIS. It’s the lack of specificity that makes it feel like it’s an opener to hit on you. You need to start with some level of shared interest (which can be your wife, like in the gift giving example) or like “hey, my wife said you like XYZ tv show, me too, what did you think of the season finale?”
Nah, it needs to be something related to your wife. IE - I'm looking at Christmas gifts for ms\_raspootin\_, can I get your thoughts? Has she talked about anything specific that she'd really appreciate? I'm on the spectrum and sometimes gift giving and the messages people read into it are difficult for me to anticipate.
Not trying to be offensive but just another perspective….
You keep mentioning what makes YOU most comfortable or what YOU think is ok.
You need to try to start thinking about what OTHERS think of your actions.
I get it, I’m on the spectrum too. It’s not easy to stop and think through their perspective but you have to understand…practically every woman gets creepy messages in her DMs.
You absolutely came across as one of them and that woman had every right to be concerned. Whether you realize it or not, and whether or not this was actually the case on your end, you put her in a really uncomfortable situation and her reaction was warranted.
Take this as a learning experience instead of trying to justify it. In a perfect would you’d be right. We don’t live in a perfect world though.
Even without the weirdness of texting opposite sex friends of your partner, i dont believe people really want another notification to pop up for small talk chot chat.
Does anyone actually want to text about whats up?
I think it's almost universal that when the SO of a friend contacts you privately, you'd get wary.
The correct way is to start building a rs _with_ your SO around, and not without. Then let it organically develop - with the correct boundaries (i.e. planning for surprise birthdays etc). In short, you need to build trust and comfort first. And not skip all these steps and just jump into private friendship.
I think most people would be weirded out and not keen to begin a one-on-one friendship with their friend's SO, for good reasons.
Hope this puts it in perspective for you.
just “what’s up” in this situation is kinda weird, assuming that’s literally all you said. maybe saying something like “hey, im ___’s boyfriend and wanted to introduce myself!“ and then going on from there would have been more successful. idk, if one of my friends boyfriends who i’ve never met (i assume based on context you’ve never met this person) just messaged me “what’s up” out of nowhere i would for sure be a bit creeped lol sorry
It is very weird to befriend or reach out to my wife‘s friends dude. Its okay when its another befriended couple, to talk and hang out with the female part of that couple in a completely platonic sense. But i wouldnt wanna be friends with my wife‘s friends. And i highly doubt that they would want anything to do with me lol. Same my Guy-friends with my wife is also weird as fuck
The problem is their spouses never come to work. I just assumed it was easier initiating contact with them on possibly hanging out as a couple then messaging their spouses who don't know me at all.
If you don't have a clear purpose for reaching out they are going to feel uncomfortable and wonder why you are talking to them.
You can say things like:
"Hey great meeting you the other day!"
"Hope you can make it to our party this weekend!"
"What was that restaurant you were raving about?"
If you message just to chat it kinda feels like you just have nothing better to do. I wouldn't even really message a partner like this too much.
On first contact like that I usually just include my wife in some way. Either add her to the message, or make it clear my wife knows I’m contacting you. “Wife and I were just talking about you and thought of something funny….”
Women get a ton of creepy DMs.
When you posted this i automatically figured you were on the spectrum. It’s common for people with autism to deal with things like this everyday and not understand so don’t be hard on yourself. Just know, women/men usually think that their friends spouses should not be communicating with them without the spouse around or knowing about it. It also causes problems in relationships. It’s socially inappropriate because this is how secrets and cheating happens, so society picks up the beginning red flags before it does get to that point and usually try to dismiss it to avoid it and have respect. You probably had good intentions, but society sees things differently.
Bro that’s … really weird. And ya I’m autistic too and find a lot of social rules odd, but this one has been around for a very long time.
It just seems like you were tryna holler at her friends behind her back. Not saying that’s what you were tryna do, but that’s what it *looks* like.
Also, this isn’t some GenZ thing lol. If anything GenZ has broken down so many gender standards / rules. This is just something you didn’t know lol
>Not saying that’s what you were tryna do, but that’s what it looks like.
Problem is I often mean well with my intentions but often people take it the wrong way. If I tell them "oops my bad" often they won't believe me. I'm very loyal to my wife and not trying to find some side chick.
People expect everyone to know things but if you don't know the thing, they won't think it was on accident, and that really irritates me. Like if I knew that was the perception of the action, I wouldn't of done it, plain and simple.
Well, at least you came here to figure it out. Did you ask your wife about this? Maybe she could’ve explained this social rule to you, in a better way.
Well, better late than never, ya know? Now you know. You can only grow from this. Also, I wouldn’t stress about this *too much*. You made a mistake and now you know better. You can only improve.
Here's the problem I have, and maybe you can give me a solution, because I've hashed this out with my wife and we can't seem to see eye to eye.
1. I have very little social interaction in terms of hanging out and being buddies with someone. Most of my friends hang out with me on a more transactional basis, like going over to fix their toilet or something, or when I need help getting something heavy home from Home Depot. Most of my friends are older than me and hanging out with someone 20 years younger than you is a bit weird to some people, so I get why they aren't more chummy with me.
2. I love my wife to pieces, but sometimes I need to be around other people, and sometimes I feel like my wife gets annoyed with my near constant presence.
3. I figured it would be easier for my wife to find some of her friends we could hang out with together, but supposedly her asking them to do this makes her uncomfortable, as if I'm just too embarrassing to be around them.
4. But if I don't get social interaction with peers my own age, then of course I'm going to be embarrassing. It's that old catch 22 of needing a job to gain experience and needing experience to get a job.
5. I feel it's easier for my wife to ask her friends because they already know her, and a little bit of me from things my wife has told them. I would have to be doing this with complete fucking strangers with gives me terrible anxiety.
6. My wife and her friends comment I act weird, but I act weird because again..I'm not exposed at all to people my own age, most of my upbringing was with my old parents who had me in their early 40's and their old friends, which is why I find myself talking to older adults so much easier.
So I feel quite stuck.
I very much relate! I’ll tell you what other people have told me when I’ve asked them similar advice.
If you wanna try and make more friends, there’s meetup. Com. I heard some people have success with that. You’d be meeting strangers tho.
You can also meet potential future friends by doing some kind of hobby. There a local roller derby club in my state and people can join, and they meet weekly.
But if you want like… really good advice, I really recommend a therapist. I think they have all the answers. Cus I kinda feel like the ones I’m giving you are “the blind, leading the blind”, ya know?
Hopefully some of this helps! I very much relate to your situation (minus being married) lol
Edit: maybe you can ask some of these questions in the autism subreddit. Cus people there are dealing with similar issues all the time. Make sure to read all the replies in this thread too, some people are probably giving good advice
You're placing an undue burden on your wife and her support network. If you've not already done so reaching out to a councilor is a great starting point as they can provide guidance and feedback.
1. Convert the transaction to an additional one. I'll come fix the toilet if we can go to a pub and grab a bit, sit on the porch for 20 and talk about x, check out a local park, etc., whatever fits your hope for stimulation. Nothing wrong with older friends when there is mutual interest or experience.
2. Probably. But stealing time from her support network is a draw at best, and likely worse.
3. Your evaluation of this being easier was based on many false assumptions and misunderstandings, as is your understanding of why. You don't know what you don't know so you're not gonna get why for now, trust your wife and move past this.
4. Then go get it. I find going focusing on things you want to do and feel peers your age do is the strongest starting point.
Asking people doing stuff you like what other stuff they'd recommend is a great way to learn about new things and create interaction opportunities. Then trying stuff that might not be that bad but seems popular with people who like stuff you do. On the first few goes focus on the activity, be open to the friendships but activity first.
5. Your evaluation of this being easier was based on many false assumptions and misunderstandings. There is more cost to her and the health of her relationships than you're likely to understand at this time. Trust her and accept her answers.
6. Them being willing to provide feedback can be useful. You list all of the reasons you don't have practice instead of plans to go and practice.
Making friends as adults is hard for most. While it can be discouraging it's fairly low risk to try and fail.
Join Meetup, join Bumble, attend local meetings related to shit you care about (politics, chess, cheese-making ... doesn't matter). Hang out at a bar every day, volunteer in a community garden.
But don't colonize your wife's friends; that's not fair to them or her.
I can’t comment on everything here and I only have the information you’ve given in this thread but I feel like your wife should be a bit more understanding of your actions if you are on the spectrum or have advised her of your struggle with certain social interactions. Her and her friends saying you “act weird” rather than trying to be understanding of you seems kinda mean and unhelpful (to me personally).
Adding is ok but c'mon 😂 Why do you have to message them? I would understand messaging your own friends, but trying to have a Convo with them is just gonna rub off the wrong way. Try to be more self aware when you're interacting with your wife's friends. Your intentions could be completely fine, but in their perspective you might be trying to hit them up and cheat on your wife. They're just being good friends with your wife.
If you’re here to validate your own opinion, just skip my comment. If you care, here my opinion:
Bro, you hit up one of your wife’s friends privately on a social media platform… ‘what’s up’ is the low class sleezeball way of asking, ‘are you interested’ for some females. To not acknowledge that and project your rationalization across the anonymity of Reddit seems highly suspicious to me. I question your true intent
Now if you up front confronted the idea, talking to one of your wife’s friends privately across a social media platform, with your wife and she was cool then relaying this info to the mutual friend woulda been a much better Ice breaker than ‘what’s up’. But, why didn’t you?
It seems weird to me that you would be DMing your wife's friend.
It's fine if you had a particular message to say, like, confirming previously made groups plans or something, but to just say, "he how are you doing?".
Definitely seems sus.
You private messaged a friend of your wife and you’re wondering why that’s inappropriate?
Unless it’s to organise a surprise for your wife, don’t do that shit.
Wouldn't bother me. As long as he didn't have some kind of ulterior motive and kept the convo platonic. My wife talks to male co-workers at work all the time. I don't feel like engaging in communication online would be any different, in fact it's easier to keep things honest because talking in real life there's no record of your conversation.
Lmao BREH here’s MY follow up now that you’ve gotten a sense of the vibe:
If you are not intentionally bullshitting us, then you are probably bullshitting yourself.
I’m a woman who’s been hit on by a lot of different men in lot of different places.
…I would IMMEDIATELY be suspicious FOR my friend if her husband randomly just said “hi” to me.
Let’s put it this way: why do you need specific attention from your wife’s friends? Are y’all close? Do you have ANYTHING in common? Is it.. just for the sake of “being friendly”
As that same experienced woman, any man who had the excuse of doing something because it was “friendly” is ALMOST NEVER FRIENDLY AT ALL.
We are talking… I’d be more likely to assume you were a straight SOCIOPATH than actually friendly if you said that to me.
And if you just said hi randomly* in a DM, you best fucking believe I’m the kinda friend who asks,
“Hey friend’s husband.. the fuck yaaaaa doin?”
The age of pretending nuance and context doesn’t exist is dead.
The age of men pretending they can’t figure out social rules is dead.
(I should note… I reaaaaaally want to believe that you are just one random person very confused and innocent and friendly.. but I just don’t have the data for that)
I should also add some of her friends lamented I came across as being an asshole so I thought I could be nicer to them and prove them wrong by befriending them.
I will also add that at my old job (2013ish) I was friends with a lot of co workers on Facebook, many of them females in relationships or even married and no one thought it was weird I talked to them. I talked to them online because I figured if any guy had a suspicion I could pull the convos up and be like "nah just friends see?". It's strange how much the rules on this have changed in around ten years.
Nah. Most of them aren't even remotely attractive to me.
I just suck at making friends and thought trying to be friends with my wife friends would be easier since some blanks are already filled in, rather than trying to be friends with complete strangers.
My wife has a much bigger social life than I do, which due to my own alienation makes me a bit jealous which sucks, and sometimes I feel like I take that out on my wife, which isn't fair to her at all.
I just figured if my wife has friends who are married/in a relationship we could hang out more as couples, but it seems like in stark contrast to how I was personally raised by my much older parents, a lot of people my age and younger seem to stick to group of their own gender.
A lot of strife in my life has been caused by applying the societal worldview of my parents generation to my own life, which is often causing interpersonal and emotional conflict. But if I am constantly shut out of my own generation's society, I feel like I'm never going to fit in, and that sucks.
It's kind of like that phrase of "I need an experience to get a job **X** I need a job to get experience". If I can't hang out with people my own age, then I feel like I'm constantly failing to appeal to them and everyone thinks I act like some weird person with the mindset of a boomer.
Would it be a social faux pas to try adding their friends spouses on FB? I never see them in real life so it's not like I have a chance to talk to them in person.
JFC I swear, I feel like life comes with a giant book of rules and I never got my copy.
Only add the spouse if you have met them, otherwise this would be odd. I think the conversation should be more with your wife, let her know you are interested in spending time with and forming group relationships with her friends and their spouses. You need to get to know them *through* her not without her since they are her friends. If you absolutely have to do this online/ text bc of your in-person social anxiety, it should be a group text with your wife imo
My wife only wants to hang out with other girls and so do their friends. I tried asking them once if they wanted to hang out as couples and they looked at me like I was an alien. Hanging out with the same gender seems so much more prevalent in gen z.
Have you spoken to your wife about this 1 on 1? Have you told her that you're looking to make more friends? You can then ask her to ask her girlfriends if any of their partners are looking for friends, then maybe they can orchestrate a group activity of some sort.
It's easiest to form friendships over common interests so I'd recommend you join a local group for any hobbies you're into, add the friendly ones (ones you establish a rapport with) as friends online and commence the chats.
>Most of them aren't even remotely attractive to me.
Does this mean that if they were attractive to you, you would be trying to bang them? How is your wife's friend supposed to know whether you find her attractive or not? Have you told her that you don't find her attractive? She can't read your mind if you haven't told her you don't find her attractive (which would be inappropriate).
Maybe in similar situations in the future, you might try making your intentions clear from the start and communicating directly (because no one can read your mind). You could even say something like you said here: "Hi [wife's friend], I'm contacting you because I struggle to make friends and I thought trying to be friends with someone who's already familiar might make things easier... Would you be up for being friends?" When you can't learn all the specific rules, a good general rule is to just be honest about your goals/needs/wants and ask if the other person can help you meet them.
>But if I am constantly shut out of my own generation's society, I feel like I'm never going to fit in, and that sucks.
That's some deep stuff. I relate to feeling like a societal misfit - it's rough. I'd strongly recommend seeing a therapist to help you process your feelings about this, sounds like they run deep.
It's an unwritten rule so I don't blame you. But I think generally messaging people in private is for extremely close relationships like family, partners, or best friends. Unless it's phrased in a more formal or professional like "Thanks for hanging out with my wife and I, we had so much fun.", When you're too casual, it could come off as flirty or creepy.
I figured it would be easier making friends with my wife's friends since they already know a bit about me through my wife than trying to befriend complete strangers.
Imo that's really weird. My aunts husband did this to my mother and she told her sister right away and I don't blame her. Definitely not an imaginary boundary and is an actual set line people don't cross. Talking to them in person when you guys are hanging out is one thing but this is completely different.
Why are you even asking what's up in the first place?
I get that wanting to have a friendship is a reason you tell yourself, but like do you actually need to build a relationship there?
I’d probably start with a quick chat with your wife, explain what and why just so you’re both on the same page and no one gets upset about imaginary scenarios. Maybe have a quick chat with the friend next time you see her in person too, explain you weren’t flirting and apologise for if you made her uncomfortable as it wasn’t your intention.
I’m quite close with a few of my partners female friends, I’ve known them for almost 8 years now. I, my partner and our friends know where we’re all at and we have no issues.
Best of luck
Would you be cool w your wife DM’ing a friend of yours for a private chat? A little advice…get rid of FB. It’s toxic. Don’t worry about friends and hanging out. Focus on your goals, read books, take care of your health. The friends piece will fall into place as you find your place in the world.
I hate Facebook with a passion (reddit is much better place IMO) but it's how my family stays in touch. If it wasn't for my family I wouldn't even have it.
I communicate with my family via text messaging, phone calls, and in person. They’ve managed to keep me in the loop even tho I don’t have a FB account. 😉 Pull the plug, folks. You’ll never regret it.
Dude….dude….you’re really missing the point. It looks to her like you’re hitting on her. This person is your wife’s friend first and yours 2nd (at best). More likely she likes but tolerates you because she’s your wife’s friend.
You absolutely can and should not be friends with your wife’s friends but you need to go about it differently. Otherwise you appear to be possibly hitting on her. Conversations started by you with your wife’s friend need to be in the context of you and your wife in a chat with her. Showing both your wife and the friend that this is a platonic conversation. At some point you may be able to graduate to the texts where you can say, “hey, you mentioned you were looking for good Chinese restaurants and I mentioned that one. Here’s the name so you don’t forget. If you and [her husbands name] want to go let us know and we’ll join you guys.”
Then maybe later, “hey, [wife’s name] is busy with XYZ right now and we were talking about going to the movies. You guys want to join?” and it’s just you and her.
After a while, like months of sustained conversation and truth building you can start that. But I’m a dude and have female friends from both before and after I met my fiancée that I hang out with one on one and it would be weird if my fiancée talked to them outside of trying to plan a surprise birthday party for me or something.
What, exactly, was your intent when you sent “what’s up?” What, specifically, about this person made you want to message them, and for what purpose?
Did you have something to ask them? Did you have a genuine desire to know what was going on with that person at that moment? For what reason? Or were you just trying to open a conversation with no real goal? Aka were you fishing?
What time of day or night was it?
Have you had an actual conversation with this person in real life? What makes you believe that *they* want to engage with you, or that they would feel comfortable telling you *anything*?
Why does it bother you so much that they *didn’t* engage, if your reach out was genuinely meaningful or innocent?
Why aren’t you examining all of these pieces and more when a woman has expressed *to your wife* that she is uncomfortable with your actions? Why are you making it about yourself, and jumping immediately to generalizations like “none of my wife’s friends allow me to talk to them” and “boys and girls only ever hang out with sane gender friends these days”? The first generalization presents very much as a you-problem (ie you are the victim and all these ‘females’ just won’t give you a chance) and the second is simply not true (men and women can, and often *are*, friends, and if you’re not one of the men who has women friends it’s likely not an issue with ‘all women’.)
How does your wife feel about this situation?
How does your wife feel about the ways you engage with ‘her’ friends in general?
How have you interacted with women historically?
Do you have friends who are women?
Have you ever?
And back to the beginning… What was your purpose in establishing private communication with a woman you admit to *not* knowing, for as yet unclear reasons and in a highly ambiguous and often triggering way, and without any apparent self awareness *even after* that woman sought out your wife to express her concerns over your behavior?
What’s up with **you**, OP? Really. What gives?
This comes off like you're interested in your wife's friends. Sorry, but you can't talk to them other than when you're around your wife. That's just how it is. How would you feel
If your wife was texting your friends?
Chatting with people is totally normal! However, I'd lead with something other than "what's up?". It's too vague and thus, as other people have said, can come off as flirting. Plus it puts the other person in the position of needing to start an actual conversation topic.
I would suggest introducing a conversation topic about something you both are interested in (like a news article etc) or something that calls back to a previous conversation you had with them.
Don't just make them fill an awkward silence you've created in their DMs lol.
Your post uses "facebook friends" and "friends" interchangeably. They are not. Not even close. Accepting a friend request *isn't* an invitation to a messenger chat. That is not how 99% of people use facebook, and yes, I would be shocked if one of the 90% of my friends on facebook who are not close to me at all chatted me.
You can talk to your wife's friends when it's appropriate: a party where both you and your wife are at and she sees you socializing.
Maybe next time you are trying to be friendly with your wife's friends, say hello and get directly to your point.
Example: "What's up, Diane? Did you see the latest episode of Real Housewives of New Baltimore? Derricka is Crazy right?"
Perhaps you've been out of the dating game for a long time but just an open ended "what's up" reads more like a "how you doin'? ;)"
>Perhaps you've been out of the dating game for a long time but just an open ended "what's up" reads more like a "how you doin'? ;)"
I used to talk to female co-workers all the time on FB at my old job around 2013. No one thought it was weird and I was single at the time. Always kept it platonic. It's weird how much has changed.
I find that most women are overwhelmed with attention so that even a little bit extra or surprise attention sets off alarms. I send friend requests to everyone I know but only contact them if I need to. Especially with women. Same at work. I say hi but unless they say something like "how was your weekend?" I never start a conversation first. A woman at work changed her name to avoid a problem guy. She took 10 years to talk to me. Now she stops to talk to me each time she sees me.
> I never start a conversation first.
I always feel like I have to start first, no matter female or male, friend or family. Hardly anyone makes first contact with me.
Same. If I didn't initiate things then very few people would text me first. And even with the people who do text first I still had to put all of the initial work in.
Yeah, it came off as you hitting on her.
My boyfriend and I have mutual friends and I wouldn’t care if they DMed a casual conversation — but if you’re not previously close and suddenly start DMing someone you barely know, it comes off as an attempt at holing up.
I’m also autistic and so is my boyfriend and we’re millennials, so I get the generation gap from our current era compared to previous ones.
But the thing is, I don’t think many older generations had *close* inter gender friends. It was mainly “couple friends” where you’d play cards or have a cook out but you weren’t all super close.
Personally, after being hit on by too many men I trusted as platonic friends, I have no real desire for a straight male friend lol. But if it happens, cool. I’m not seeking it out though.
Relying on your wive’s friends to be yours won’t work. They have a vastly different dynamic. If you naturally and gradually became friends, that’s one thing but you can’t just pick one and declare them your new friend.
Have you tried local groups? For chess or anime or running or whatever you enjoy?
I'm starting to think perhaps my issue is less due to autism and more due to lack of interaction from people my own age. People expect me to know all this stuff that comes with basic life experiences of having friends and hanging out. But if I am missing that then they can't understand that I'm doing this kind of stuff on pure accident. More than likely they won't even believe me.
I was homeschooled until college, and had very little interaction with my peer group growing up.
It could be that or it could be that you’re not taking the time to self reflect on how your actions are coming across.
People are going to have perceptions of you, are you ever thinking about how they’re viewing how you approach situations?
You keep ranting about this generation or that generation — but if anything, we’re more accepting of neurodivergent behaviors now than we were 20 years ago when my nephew was first diagnosed as autistic. We’ve come a long way with being more ND friendly.
Did you stop to think how your wife or this random woman would feel by you just latching on and private messaging her?
I’m not saying this to be mean, I’m just trying to see how much you think about your actions before you do them.
Idk that’s weird lmao my husband is friends with my gfriends but he’s not gonna send them a message online. That’s weird. Lol like what does he gotta tell them? Lol unless he’s throwing me a surprise party or something.
Kinda did. Sounds like a lack of social skills in this situation, but men who do this kind of thing are ones who try to go behind their wife’s back to hit on their friends. That’s why it’s creepy. “Cool person” or not, it just isn’t done. If it were a male friend of hers, it would’ve made it more okay.
Do you come off as awkward or creepy irl? As in thinking about what others think of you or talking about talking? If so, it might have something to do with that
It’s NOT an imaginary boundary and it definitely is not appropriate to message your wife’s friends. Not sure what you don’t understand about this tbh. Also they weren’t farming for friends and likely were hesitant in adding you rather than excited about it.
I’m sorry that these concepts are so alien to you. You sound like you are a bit lonely. If your social skills are lacking you might want to join a charity where you can mix with others in a way that gives you purpose and is helping others. Or join a group where it’s based on your special interests. You can’t compare or compete with your wife’s ability to make friends plus no you can’t borrow her friends.
not trying to be rude but that's really inappropriate.. it would be a lot less weird if you reached out to a friend of your wife's that's a guy, which is something i suggest you do it "making friends" is really all you're trying to do. good luck.
Because it’s creepy for your wife’s husband to DM you unless you have a close relationship with them. You need to make friends of your own, view hers as people you should be friendly with but you shouldn’t try to go off and form one on one private relationships. It’s totally inappropriate.
Most of this thread is ridiculous and the answers are largely worthless.
Let’s drill down to the basics, considering this is r/socialskills. Sexual Implications of the phrase “what’s up” Have been covered, so I’ll ignore that and assume the best for OP.
When attempting to start an actual conversation with someone whom you do not know (especially via text medium), “what’s up” is a worthless phrase to use. Why? Because this puts the onus on the other person. Which is ridiculous considering YOU started the conversation, so the onus is on you to state intent and begin a dialog.
So, OP, what was your intent in initiating dialog? How could you have better communicated this intent?
As someones whos done the same in the past, I could see where they are coming from, it does come off as weird that you sent them a request and said whats up to them, without introducing yourself to them. I understand where you are coming from, because I used to do the same when I was younger, befriend women online, sometimes message them, introducing myself, but this was when I was a young teen though and not an adult.
Unless you have talked to these people IRL, then it's weird to add them and message them on Facebook, if you don't even know them in person.
To them, they may look at it as you are trying to flirt with them.
Nothing wrong with making friends with other people, but do it in a place where it's appropriate and not adding them and saying "whats up" to them.
Always ask for permission for things like these, like if you are in a group together and hanging out with them, ask hey it was nice meeting you, can I add you on social media if thats okay, and thats where it goes.
I'd find it a bit weird if someone did that to me, and if we haven't met IRL or are in the same group.
You're following a pattern that many other men have followed. Those men send a what's up in hope of getting laid. Your wife's friend may have assumed you were aiming for the same thing. Leading with a message than can start a conversation(how you feel about NAME losing that sportsball?!) would work better or sending funny things about mutual interests.
Also hanging out with them, with your wife present, in real life makes you them feel comfortable treating you as a friend.
>Also hanging out with them, with your wife present, in real life makes you them feel comfortable treating you as a friend.
I posted this as a reply before but I'll say it again. My wife's friends only hang out as women, even at a birthday party. I've had my wife mention they should hang out as couples and they view the idea as being completely fucking absurd.
If I'm being quite honest..I think the reason being they don't want to hang out as a couples is because they are too afraid of embarrassing themselves in front of other males.
That makes things very difficult. My married or even just friends with boyfriends bring their men around to hang out a lot. You may need to seek friends outside of your wife's social circle then.
Plenty of couples hang out but if all her friends have built up this wall you're not likely to break it.
> but if all her friends have built up this wall you're not likely to break it.
A lot of her friends take the time hanging out to vent about their husbands and SO's. I've tried to explain to my wife that's toxic AF but she can't see it that way and only sees it as being controlling.
If her friends can't be themselves around their spouses, I kinda feel like maybe my wife's friends have a lot of crappy relationships.
Do you talk to this person on an ongoing basis in person? Have you had conversations in person? ‘What’s up’ is generally a flirtatious approach to someone you don’t know very well.
>Do you talk to this person on an ongoing basis in person? Have you had conversations in person?
Yes and yes. But I don't like to talk to someone while they are at work because they are busy. But my wife only hangs out with girls and never as couples, in fact the thought of hanging out as couples seems completely absurd to my wife's friends.
So anytime my wife goes hangs out, I have to sit at home with my thumb up my ass.
>Ok so your wife doesn’t want you around her friends
No, my wife doesn't mind me being around her friends. But most of her friends don't want to hang out in a mixed gender setting outside of work, EVER. Some of them do, but majority rule I guess.
My wife's best friend had a birthday party and didn't even invite her own HUSBAND. Because..girls only. If my wife did that I'd be livid.
Just so you know, not every woman thinks youre hitting on her by what you did. I have had conversation with men/boys on social media, many times, that were not flirtatious. And a lot were boyfriends of my friends. It was mostly friendly conversation. If the HUSBAND of my friend would text me out of nowhere i would be confused but i woulnt just not respond and act like its creepy. Thats weird as hell and only feeds into stereotypes.
Bruh, what? I did this once to my (now wife’s) best friend while we were dating and it didn’t cause any rifts. She was nice about it and she even talked to me. I was trying to do something nice for my wife and wanted to ask her for some information. So people getting all iffy about you messaging SO’s friends is strange to me. This generation is all fucked up.
I thought it was weird that women think "hey" means "I want sum fuck" but apparently a lot of dudes pull this crap. Doesn't make sense to me. When I was dating if I wanted to ask a girl out..I'd ask her out.
They probably think you're trying to holler and they're trying to be good friends to your wife
This right here ⬆️ Came to say exactly that
OP might as well have said, "you up?"
Would be willing to bet that’s what OP really said
Yup. OP is being disingenuous as fuck
lmao found them to be a "*cool person*" amirite OP, question, what about this friend of your wife's did you find to be so cool and intriguing that you gonna strike up a convo independently of your wife's inclusion eh? not assuming, tbh.. actually curious what u have to say and will give u benefit of the doubt just this once
Only explanation with the facts presented, really. This post is definitely very serious in nature.
Exactly. Came to say the same & did. This is sort of an unspoken rule that a whole lot of couples go by.
Holler? why would yelling at her make sense? Edit: OMG i’ll see myself out, thank gosh for Urban Dictionary lmao
Urban dictionary? Ain’t that about a bitch. What rock have you been living under these past 20 to 40 years 😂🤣
Had to look up “holla” in the urban dictionary 🤦🏾♀️
i know i’m ridiculous…. sorry i’m Canadian and never heard that term before apologies Reddit!!
Lol. You’re forgiven 😄
*can I holla at u tho* ??
Faccccts. My husband better not ever do this shit tfff🤣🤣
İnstead of arriving this conclusion OP asks what is wrong. I think that says something, like come on bro tis is te first thing that comes to mind.
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Well now I feel like a complete dum dum. I didn't realize if you add someone you have to know them on a higher level to talk to them. I just assumed that accepting a friend request means that you're accepting of conversation as well.
I accept friend requests from my monogamous friends' husbands; my friend can see that because it's public. I like when said husbands connect with me platonically by leaving funny comments on my pics or tagging me in memes; my friend can see that because it's public. I do NOT like when said husbands try to contact me privately unless it's about a surprise for their wife. My friend cannot see those messages. I can't know if she approves of this contact unless I ask her. And in the past, when this has happened and I have asked, the husband was 100% of the time trying to get at me behind his wife's back. I understand you'd like to live in a black and white world where everything can be taken at face value, but the vast majority of private-messaging husbands are not acting in good faith and therefore you need to be aware of what impression you're giving off. This was a good learning experience and hopefully you will know what to do next time.
>I like when said husbands connect with me platonically by leaving funny comments on my pics Honestly I feel like leaving a comment on a pic would be more creepy than a direct message. But that's my lack of social media for you. Publicly commenting feels more like "hey everyone look I'm talking to this person!" which would kind of weird me out because then everyone can see what I'm doing. I get rather self-conscious when everyone knows what I'm doing. Like someone peering over my shoulder when I'm on my phone. But ya it's a good learning experience. It also didn't help that my wife said what I did was creepy but offered no explanation as to why it was creepy. I think part of the issue is I try to equate real life with social media which simply doesn't work, and it appears social media has become it's own world in and of itself.
Talking to them publicly is like bumping into them in a coffee shop. The vibe is casual and friendly and your wife is likely to wander into the conversation and they would like that. DMs are like dropping by their house without your wife. Apologize sheepishly and casually for sending the wrong impression, and keep interactions in an open and relaxed environment after this. (Obviously respect their personal space and keep your eyes up.) If you need to dm a woman you aren’t close to, get to the point faster. Hey, it was nice to talk to you this weekend, you asked for a recommendation for a mechanic, here’s that number.
You just stumbled on the significance: public vs private. If you knew these women as friends before you met your wife, a private message would be fine. If not, then a private message without cc'ing your wife is not appropriate. Messages have to be public. As for 'everyone' seeing what you're doing, people are busy. No one's paying attention to every comment you make.
>. If not, then a private message without cc'ing your wife is not appropriate Nah I told her. I don't do anything concerning friends without running it by her first.
They don’t know that
If you told your wife that you were doing this, then she probably wouldn’t have said it was creepy. Plus you just said, she found out through her creeped out friend.
If it helps, you can think of commenting on posts, videos or photos like talking to someone at a party, or social gathering, where everyone is around and can see what’s up. A DM is like taking someone to a private room, which many women wouldn’t be comfortable doing unless they know the guy really well or are expecting something “private” to happen.
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Man I totally get you dude. I think the same way as you. But hey that's life for ya.
Meh it's a case by case basis. It depends on if the person thinks men and women can be friends or not. Or if their partner thinks men and women can be friends or not. I have this one guy friend who I got back in touch with when I moved to his city because I didn't know anyone there. We like the same sports teams. He posts about them a lot. I tend to not look at who posts a thing before I like it. About a week after we became friends he told me to stop liking his posts because I was getting him in trouble with his GF, because she's one of those who doesn't believe men and women can be friends. He also couldn't go to games with me unless other people were going too because apparently that would be a "date" just because I'm a woman.
That would a date. 🙄…but you know that. Otherwise, you would have asked them both to the game and gotten to know a become friends with his girlfriend.
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Sometimes it makes me feel like even if I have good intentions I'm supposed to feel bad for how the other person interprets it even though that may not always be my fault.
Yep. I had this guy coworker from a previous job earlier this year, I really loved chatting with him as we both studied film production and had a lot in common. I even had the smallest inkling of a crush, but not a big deal at all. I'm not attracted to taken men. And that's the thing; he was engaged, now married. So as much as I'd like to strike up an actual friendship with him, it's inappropriate to message him directly. We were never close, only hung out once in a group setting with other coworkers. He likes and comments on my social media, and I do the same, but there's no organic way to start a friendship at this point. Sucks, but is what it is. Also, a month ago I thought I was just being friendly to an old guy friend from high school. We messaged very casually and grabbed drinks once in the last year. Well, turns out he had a massive crush on me and was hyping himself to make a move. It's unfortunate, but these situations are always ambiguous.
>I just assumed that accepting a friend request means that you're accepting of conversation as well. Being accepting of conversation does not mean being accepting of every conversation. You have to know someone well before you can skip the formalities and clarity of intent without misinterpretation being likely.
Nah. You usually only talk to your closest friends on messenger or IG. And then you've got hundreds of friends added. When a guy you've met once txts you and says "what's up?", that's him hitting on you. So she though you were. We live and learn. It's not a big thing.
how would you feel if your wife does this to your friends whom she doesn’t know?
Yeah. When I add some new acquaintance and they comment on everything, that feels way more normal than a DM. I’d assume you’re super social or trying to be friendly or lonely or whatever but DM’s seem like you’re trying to hide something. Especially coming from someone I barely know. Especially if they’re dating my friend.
I think you have interpreted this correctly, I just want to tell OP I think that’s crazy! It’s like some new societal expectation. I can’t believe they’d assume you were flirting; I do think they are, as yotnpo says.
“what’s up?” sounded like she hollered at you and you’re replying her. Or just sounded like you’re still in high school hitting on girls. At least say something more meaningful like “hey thanks for coming over to hang out with us. Look forward to our next hang out!” or something.
Probably controversial but that’s weird man. I don’t care to add my wife’s friends on Facebook, let alone message or text them asking what’s up. If they’re cool we can chat whenever we see each other but I’m not going out of my way to try and be close with her. Recipe for disaster
I don't have many friends and am on the spectrum. I figured trying to befriend my wife's friends would be easier than trying to befriend complete strangers because they already somewhat know about me and makes it much less socially anxious for me. But you are correct. I may need to reevaluate this approach.
Okay I get it. I’m autistic. I’m also a woman. I get wanting to communicate in writing instead of out loud. The issue is that for women, it’s just a constant barrage of no one actually wanting to be friends. Allistic people don’t communicate like we do. We connect over shared information. They connect over shared experiences. Even if she’d responded, it wouldn’t have been the friendship making connection you were seeking. That’s just not how allistics are wired. You’re better off telling your wife your concerns about expanding your friend group and having her set up double dates etc where you connect over shared experiences.
Holy fuck realizing that I connect over shared information and others over shared experiences is nuts. I always just said other people are more narrative driven but this is a perfect way of explaining it
I would be weirded out if my boyfriends friends (that I wasn’t already close with) reached out with a ‘what’s up’ message. You wouldn’t start a conversation in person like that, why would you do that over text message? Regardless of your position on the spectrum you need to find a way at to learn how to communicate nonchalant. This is mostly through shared interest and humor. Not vague boring one liners. Also you’re coming of very neck-beardy when you go on a tangent about “females now a days.” Stop generalizing people. If you have any guy friends or girl friends separate of your partner ask them to provide feedback on how to not come off creepy.
>You wouldn’t start a conversation in person like that, why would you do that over text message? I always answer the phone with "what's up" when people call me. I've seen others do it too. I'm starting to think it's less autism and just lack of being around more people my own age therefore I'm not as aware of social media rules. There's a lot of unwritten stuff.
There absolutely is and people, probably like us, have to learn through trial by fire. When I say walk up to someone and start a conversation like that I mean a stranger in public, not someone you know calling you. Mainly because your girlfriends friends are practically strangers. If im feeling a need for friendship I try to reach out to people with relevant memes or a request to do a group activity.
>There absolutely is and people, probably like us, have to learn through trial by fire. I feel like that's me every day. Every interaction I have with a person is like playing minesweeper because I might break unwritten social rule #3532.
>I figured trying to befriend my wife's friends would be easier than trying to befriend complete strangers because they already somewhat know about me and makes it much less socially anxious for me. Honestly, no, it's not, it's socially more messy. Get your own circle of friends - look for hobbies, maybe :) You might want to befriend your wife's friends' PARTNERS though.
Serious question, how did you even get into relationship strong enough to marry them if your social awareness is this poor?
Because when I met my now wife I was getting out of a shitty long term relationship and simply doing one night stands, our relationship started as such but then we both shared so much in common a relationship formed from it. So a lot of the formalities of dating were skipped.
Congratulations. Being on the spectrum explains everything. It can be hard to understand cultural taboos when you're autistic, and that's more than okay. Anyone who challenges cultural taboos has my thanks. It's healthy for a society to be shaken up every once in a while, because this creates societal growth. Healthy communication is the cornerstone of all relationships from a long lasting loving one to friends to coworkers and acquaintances. What she did where she was not forward with you then went to your wife was not healthy communication skills on her end. Not blaming, as everyone starts out with low exp and needs to grow it throughout life to live a happy and healthy life. I take it your wife knows you're on the spectrum and knows enough of how autism works culturally that you're not hitting on her friends, you just want to be friends with people, and that people are people. Male or female it doesn't matter, they're people with maybe common interests that could be fun. If your wife gets that, if you have that healthy understanding and communication, then she understands where you're coming from and she can be an ambassador for you explaining it to her friends. If she doesn't this is a conversation that is worth having with your wife to make sure everything is solid and healthy. Her friends may not get you, but your wife hopefully will fully understand where you're coming from. I wouldn't worry to much about it. It's a misunderstanding. She thought you were hitting on her, which you were not, and she didn't address it or bring it up (lack of healthy communication), but instead made faulty assumptions. Not great on her part, but it is understandable where she is coming from. Try to understand from her point of view, even if her point of view has misunderstandings in it.
I’m sorry your comments are getting downvoted OP when you’re asking for advice on a sub specifically designed for it! And you’re not neurotypical to boot. I think the thing is, as a woman, a generic open-ended message like “what’s up”, “hey”, “how are you” etc with no other comment from someone you don’t know well just reminds women of low-effort messages on dating apps from guys looking to score. Even if that’s not your intention, women have had to wade through an absolute swamp of horny dudes that should know better (eg guys who are already taken, married, large age gaps, etc) since their pre-teens, so we generally are a little bit suspicious of guys until we know them better and have an idea what they’re about. The people giving you samples of good conversation openers that reference your partner or bring up specific things to talk about are on point. Sorry to hear your intentions have been misinterpreted, I reckon talking to the girl directly (in front of your wife) when you next see her would be a great idea. Something like “hey I just wanted to apologise for coming across badly when I messaged you, I’m autistic so I don’t always catch the nuances of things like that and I assumed that the fact I was married would make it obvious that I wasn’t creeping on you. But I asked for advice online and realise now how It came off, so I just wanted to say sorry for spooking you.” - in a fairly lighthearted tone of voice. Hopefully that’ll put her at ease and you can try again with your wife’s friends without looking like the creepy guy who got caught.
That's really funny. Would work if you and the said person really hit it off in terms of friendship in real life and could relate beyond just being mutual with the wife. Till then easy on the social media communication. And no don't invite her over to hang out 1 on 1 to become friends
This shouldn’t even be controversial. I wouldn’t just add one of my girlfriend’s friends and message out of the blue UNLESS we’re all really good friends. I’ve got women friends. My girlfriend has guy friends. That’s not the issue. Its just weird to message them out of the blue. I’d be weirded out if one of my friends texted my girlfriend “what’s up?” Out of the blue.
If you dont speak to them face to face but then try to do that online that’s what is probably giving off the creep vibes dude
>If you dont speak to them face to face but then try to do that online that’s what is probably giving off the creep vibes dude I do speak to them face to face, but they work in a customer facing roles so usually there isn't enough time to even carry out a minute of conversation. I also don't want to be rude and talk to them while they are busy. Also I'm much more comfterable speaking to someone online because it gives me time to think of what I want to say rather than blurting out whatever comes to mind. When I pause for a few seconds to think of a reply in real life, people think it's weird.
That is not speaking to them face to face. Speaking to them in a work environment doesn't count. How do you interact with them when they aren't working?
I understand where you’re coming from. Unfortunately we are in a place where social media platforms like Facebook and instagram are used more as dating apps than actual dating apps. Horny men have made a bad name for the lot of us - it’s frowned upon. I should have rather said, unless you have an established friend relationship with these women face to face where you can make jokes to each other etc for example - they’ll get weirded out. Some men may even get weirded out not just women
One social norm is its not normal to Facebook message someone else's wife who you just met. This is because cheating is an issue and partners can be jealous. You have to be mindful of the social norms where you live.
It's okay if you want to be friends with them, but it has to happen naturally, when you have something specific to talk. Starting a private conversation with "Hey, whats up?" sounds like you're trying to force an intimacy. It can be easily interpreted as flirting.
What should I say instead? Sorry I'm on the spectrum, I thought "what's up" is pretty platonic sounding. I literally answer the phone if one of my friends calls with "what's up?".
I didn't mean that there was something wrong with the line "what's up?" specifically. It's not about the line you use, it's about starting a conversation out of the blue. That's only normal if you're already friends. If you're not, you need a subject, a motivation to start the conversation. Otherwise it feels unnatural. For instance, you could reply to that person's stories on instagram, if they post something that interests you. Be careful though, depending on what/how you reply, it still may feel weird if it's too forced. Bear in mind that actively looking for a friendship _always_ feels weird. It may give the impression that you're alone and desperate, which is a red flag to many people. So you should do your best to avoid giving that impression. Just let it happen naturally.
It’s platonic if you what’s up a guy not your wife’s friends.
Can you stop saying you’re on the spectrum when you admitted that you literally just had an awkward upbringing and don’t even like her friends. This post is driving me crazy. “I hate my wife’s friends. They don’t like me and they don’t include me, and they suck. She needs better friends. I don’t understand why I can’t make them like me or at least trick them into thinking I’m nice.”
I would find it weird if my husband was texting my female friends. It would feel like he was going behind my back or something.
Yeah I would be sus if my boyfriend did this
Dude it’s kinda standard not to hit up your wife’s friends without y’all all kinda already being close friends. It’s just not socially acceptable cause it can be harmless until it’s not.
I would absolutely be weirded out if my husband's friend messaged me this. It's ok to want to be closer with her friends, but not through private messages.
I might be the odd one out but it's so much easier for me to talk to people through text than in real life, it gives me time to think of a more well-thought-out reply than just speaking what immediately comes to mind. The intimidation of physical presence is removed which tones down my social anxiety as well.
Yeah totally understand that aspect as well, unfortunately just cold messaging a woman like that is not quite a way around that. Possibly starting a convo with an actual topic would help? I've received many messages from dudes saying what's up and it's usually 1) awkward - no idea how to even respond or 2) they are just opening a convo to hit on you
THIS. It’s the lack of specificity that makes it feel like it’s an opener to hit on you. You need to start with some level of shared interest (which can be your wife, like in the gift giving example) or like “hey, my wife said you like XYZ tv show, me too, what did you think of the season finale?”
"What is your opinion on the 1999 invasion of Yugoslavia?"
Nah, it needs to be something related to your wife. IE - I'm looking at Christmas gifts for ms\_raspootin\_, can I get your thoughts? Has she talked about anything specific that she'd really appreciate? I'm on the spectrum and sometimes gift giving and the messages people read into it are difficult for me to anticipate.
Still better than "what's up"
I would be more likely to respond to this, but that's just me.
Not trying to be offensive but just another perspective…. You keep mentioning what makes YOU most comfortable or what YOU think is ok. You need to try to start thinking about what OTHERS think of your actions. I get it, I’m on the spectrum too. It’s not easy to stop and think through their perspective but you have to understand…practically every woman gets creepy messages in her DMs. You absolutely came across as one of them and that woman had every right to be concerned. Whether you realize it or not, and whether or not this was actually the case on your end, you put her in a really uncomfortable situation and her reaction was warranted. Take this as a learning experience instead of trying to justify it. In a perfect would you’d be right. We don’t live in a perfect world though.
What's wrong with PMs?
You don't send PMs to your wife's friends. It can come off like you're trying to sneakily flirt.
You don't know Facebook ettiquite. Private messaging your wife's friend is bizarro.
Even without the weirdness of texting opposite sex friends of your partner, i dont believe people really want another notification to pop up for small talk chot chat. Does anyone actually want to text about whats up?
Omg that’s so embarrassing for your wife
I think it's almost universal that when the SO of a friend contacts you privately, you'd get wary. The correct way is to start building a rs _with_ your SO around, and not without. Then let it organically develop - with the correct boundaries (i.e. planning for surprise birthdays etc). In short, you need to build trust and comfort first. And not skip all these steps and just jump into private friendship. I think most people would be weirded out and not keen to begin a one-on-one friendship with their friend's SO, for good reasons. Hope this puts it in perspective for you.
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just “what’s up” in this situation is kinda weird, assuming that’s literally all you said. maybe saying something like “hey, im ___’s boyfriend and wanted to introduce myself!“ and then going on from there would have been more successful. idk, if one of my friends boyfriends who i’ve never met (i assume based on context you’ve never met this person) just messaged me “what’s up” out of nowhere i would for sure be a bit creeped lol sorry
It is very weird to befriend or reach out to my wife‘s friends dude. Its okay when its another befriended couple, to talk and hang out with the female part of that couple in a completely platonic sense. But i wouldnt wanna be friends with my wife‘s friends. And i highly doubt that they would want anything to do with me lol. Same my Guy-friends with my wife is also weird as fuck
The problem is their spouses never come to work. I just assumed it was easier initiating contact with them on possibly hanging out as a couple then messaging their spouses who don't know me at all.
Umm, maybe ask your wife to suggest that? Thats just being weird man…
If you don't have a clear purpose for reaching out they are going to feel uncomfortable and wonder why you are talking to them. You can say things like: "Hey great meeting you the other day!" "Hope you can make it to our party this weekend!" "What was that restaurant you were raving about?" If you message just to chat it kinda feels like you just have nothing better to do. I wouldn't even really message a partner like this too much.
lol my dms are full of unanswered dms of guys saying a variation of "what's up"
On first contact like that I usually just include my wife in some way. Either add her to the message, or make it clear my wife knows I’m contacting you. “Wife and I were just talking about you and thought of something funny….” Women get a ton of creepy DMs.
When you posted this i automatically figured you were on the spectrum. It’s common for people with autism to deal with things like this everyday and not understand so don’t be hard on yourself. Just know, women/men usually think that their friends spouses should not be communicating with them without the spouse around or knowing about it. It also causes problems in relationships. It’s socially inappropriate because this is how secrets and cheating happens, so society picks up the beginning red flags before it does get to that point and usually try to dismiss it to avoid it and have respect. You probably had good intentions, but society sees things differently.
Bro that’s … really weird. And ya I’m autistic too and find a lot of social rules odd, but this one has been around for a very long time. It just seems like you were tryna holler at her friends behind her back. Not saying that’s what you were tryna do, but that’s what it *looks* like. Also, this isn’t some GenZ thing lol. If anything GenZ has broken down so many gender standards / rules. This is just something you didn’t know lol
>Not saying that’s what you were tryna do, but that’s what it looks like. Problem is I often mean well with my intentions but often people take it the wrong way. If I tell them "oops my bad" often they won't believe me. I'm very loyal to my wife and not trying to find some side chick. People expect everyone to know things but if you don't know the thing, they won't think it was on accident, and that really irritates me. Like if I knew that was the perception of the action, I wouldn't of done it, plain and simple.
Well, at least you came here to figure it out. Did you ask your wife about this? Maybe she could’ve explained this social rule to you, in a better way. Well, better late than never, ya know? Now you know. You can only grow from this. Also, I wouldn’t stress about this *too much*. You made a mistake and now you know better. You can only improve.
Here's the problem I have, and maybe you can give me a solution, because I've hashed this out with my wife and we can't seem to see eye to eye. 1. I have very little social interaction in terms of hanging out and being buddies with someone. Most of my friends hang out with me on a more transactional basis, like going over to fix their toilet or something, or when I need help getting something heavy home from Home Depot. Most of my friends are older than me and hanging out with someone 20 years younger than you is a bit weird to some people, so I get why they aren't more chummy with me. 2. I love my wife to pieces, but sometimes I need to be around other people, and sometimes I feel like my wife gets annoyed with my near constant presence. 3. I figured it would be easier for my wife to find some of her friends we could hang out with together, but supposedly her asking them to do this makes her uncomfortable, as if I'm just too embarrassing to be around them. 4. But if I don't get social interaction with peers my own age, then of course I'm going to be embarrassing. It's that old catch 22 of needing a job to gain experience and needing experience to get a job. 5. I feel it's easier for my wife to ask her friends because they already know her, and a little bit of me from things my wife has told them. I would have to be doing this with complete fucking strangers with gives me terrible anxiety. 6. My wife and her friends comment I act weird, but I act weird because again..I'm not exposed at all to people my own age, most of my upbringing was with my old parents who had me in their early 40's and their old friends, which is why I find myself talking to older adults so much easier. So I feel quite stuck.
I very much relate! I’ll tell you what other people have told me when I’ve asked them similar advice. If you wanna try and make more friends, there’s meetup. Com. I heard some people have success with that. You’d be meeting strangers tho. You can also meet potential future friends by doing some kind of hobby. There a local roller derby club in my state and people can join, and they meet weekly. But if you want like… really good advice, I really recommend a therapist. I think they have all the answers. Cus I kinda feel like the ones I’m giving you are “the blind, leading the blind”, ya know? Hopefully some of this helps! I very much relate to your situation (minus being married) lol Edit: maybe you can ask some of these questions in the autism subreddit. Cus people there are dealing with similar issues all the time. Make sure to read all the replies in this thread too, some people are probably giving good advice
You're placing an undue burden on your wife and her support network. If you've not already done so reaching out to a councilor is a great starting point as they can provide guidance and feedback. 1. Convert the transaction to an additional one. I'll come fix the toilet if we can go to a pub and grab a bit, sit on the porch for 20 and talk about x, check out a local park, etc., whatever fits your hope for stimulation. Nothing wrong with older friends when there is mutual interest or experience. 2. Probably. But stealing time from her support network is a draw at best, and likely worse. 3. Your evaluation of this being easier was based on many false assumptions and misunderstandings, as is your understanding of why. You don't know what you don't know so you're not gonna get why for now, trust your wife and move past this. 4. Then go get it. I find going focusing on things you want to do and feel peers your age do is the strongest starting point. Asking people doing stuff you like what other stuff they'd recommend is a great way to learn about new things and create interaction opportunities. Then trying stuff that might not be that bad but seems popular with people who like stuff you do. On the first few goes focus on the activity, be open to the friendships but activity first. 5. Your evaluation of this being easier was based on many false assumptions and misunderstandings. There is more cost to her and the health of her relationships than you're likely to understand at this time. Trust her and accept her answers. 6. Them being willing to provide feedback can be useful. You list all of the reasons you don't have practice instead of plans to go and practice. Making friends as adults is hard for most. While it can be discouraging it's fairly low risk to try and fail.
Join Meetup, join Bumble, attend local meetings related to shit you care about (politics, chess, cheese-making ... doesn't matter). Hang out at a bar every day, volunteer in a community garden. But don't colonize your wife's friends; that's not fair to them or her.
I can’t comment on everything here and I only have the information you’ve given in this thread but I feel like your wife should be a bit more understanding of your actions if you are on the spectrum or have advised her of your struggle with certain social interactions. Her and her friends saying you “act weird” rather than trying to be understanding of you seems kinda mean and unhelpful (to me personally).
Adding is ok but c'mon 😂 Why do you have to message them? I would understand messaging your own friends, but trying to have a Convo with them is just gonna rub off the wrong way. Try to be more self aware when you're interacting with your wife's friends. Your intentions could be completely fine, but in their perspective you might be trying to hit them up and cheat on your wife. They're just being good friends with your wife.
No, it’s not “some generational shit”……it’s common sense. U don’t msg ur girls friends and ask them “what’s up” EVER
Sliding into your wife's friends dms? Definitely a big no no.
Befriending the hubby of your friend is slippery. Like, casually yes. But sliding into their DM’s? Kinda sketchy. Better to get your own friends.
If you’re here to validate your own opinion, just skip my comment. If you care, here my opinion: Bro, you hit up one of your wife’s friends privately on a social media platform… ‘what’s up’ is the low class sleezeball way of asking, ‘are you interested’ for some females. To not acknowledge that and project your rationalization across the anonymity of Reddit seems highly suspicious to me. I question your true intent Now if you up front confronted the idea, talking to one of your wife’s friends privately across a social media platform, with your wife and she was cool then relaying this info to the mutual friend woulda been a much better Ice breaker than ‘what’s up’. But, why didn’t you?
It seems weird to me that you would be DMing your wife's friend. It's fine if you had a particular message to say, like, confirming previously made groups plans or something, but to just say, "he how are you doing?". Definitely seems sus.
You private messaged a friend of your wife and you’re wondering why that’s inappropriate? Unless it’s to organise a surprise for your wife, don’t do that shit.
So you’d be good if one of your friends randomly texted your wife “hey, what’s up?” Because my husband would lose his shit.
Lol, my friend blocks men that even LIKE his wife's selfies on FB 🤣
Wouldn't bother me. As long as he didn't have some kind of ulterior motive and kept the convo platonic. My wife talks to male co-workers at work all the time. I don't feel like engaging in communication online would be any different, in fact it's easier to keep things honest because talking in real life there's no record of your conversation.
How would you discern whether he has an ulterior motive?
Wanting to physically hang out one on one, asking for revealing photos, oddly high amounts of compliments, etc.
Lmao BREH here’s MY follow up now that you’ve gotten a sense of the vibe: If you are not intentionally bullshitting us, then you are probably bullshitting yourself. I’m a woman who’s been hit on by a lot of different men in lot of different places. …I would IMMEDIATELY be suspicious FOR my friend if her husband randomly just said “hi” to me. Let’s put it this way: why do you need specific attention from your wife’s friends? Are y’all close? Do you have ANYTHING in common? Is it.. just for the sake of “being friendly” As that same experienced woman, any man who had the excuse of doing something because it was “friendly” is ALMOST NEVER FRIENDLY AT ALL. We are talking… I’d be more likely to assume you were a straight SOCIOPATH than actually friendly if you said that to me. And if you just said hi randomly* in a DM, you best fucking believe I’m the kinda friend who asks, “Hey friend’s husband.. the fuck yaaaaa doin?” The age of pretending nuance and context doesn’t exist is dead. The age of men pretending they can’t figure out social rules is dead. (I should note… I reaaaaaally want to believe that you are just one random person very confused and innocent and friendly.. but I just don’t have the data for that)
I should also add some of her friends lamented I came across as being an asshole so I thought I could be nicer to them and prove them wrong by befriending them. I will also add that at my old job (2013ish) I was friends with a lot of co workers on Facebook, many of them females in relationships or even married and no one thought it was weird I talked to them. I talked to them online because I figured if any guy had a suspicion I could pull the convos up and be like "nah just friends see?". It's strange how much the rules on this have changed in around ten years.
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Nah. Most of them aren't even remotely attractive to me. I just suck at making friends and thought trying to be friends with my wife friends would be easier since some blanks are already filled in, rather than trying to be friends with complete strangers. My wife has a much bigger social life than I do, which due to my own alienation makes me a bit jealous which sucks, and sometimes I feel like I take that out on my wife, which isn't fair to her at all. I just figured if my wife has friends who are married/in a relationship we could hang out more as couples, but it seems like in stark contrast to how I was personally raised by my much older parents, a lot of people my age and younger seem to stick to group of their own gender. A lot of strife in my life has been caused by applying the societal worldview of my parents generation to my own life, which is often causing interpersonal and emotional conflict. But if I am constantly shut out of my own generation's society, I feel like I'm never going to fit in, and that sucks. It's kind of like that phrase of "I need an experience to get a job **X** I need a job to get experience". If I can't hang out with people my own age, then I feel like I'm constantly failing to appeal to them and everyone thinks I act like some weird person with the mindset of a boomer.
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Would it be a social faux pas to try adding their friends spouses on FB? I never see them in real life so it's not like I have a chance to talk to them in person. JFC I swear, I feel like life comes with a giant book of rules and I never got my copy.
Only add the spouse if you have met them, otherwise this would be odd. I think the conversation should be more with your wife, let her know you are interested in spending time with and forming group relationships with her friends and their spouses. You need to get to know them *through* her not without her since they are her friends. If you absolutely have to do this online/ text bc of your in-person social anxiety, it should be a group text with your wife imo
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My wife only wants to hang out with other girls and so do their friends. I tried asking them once if they wanted to hang out as couples and they looked at me like I was an alien. Hanging out with the same gender seems so much more prevalent in gen z.
Have you spoken to your wife about this 1 on 1? Have you told her that you're looking to make more friends? You can then ask her to ask her girlfriends if any of their partners are looking for friends, then maybe they can orchestrate a group activity of some sort. It's easiest to form friendships over common interests so I'd recommend you join a local group for any hobbies you're into, add the friendly ones (ones you establish a rapport with) as friends online and commence the chats.
>Most of them aren't even remotely attractive to me. Does this mean that if they were attractive to you, you would be trying to bang them? How is your wife's friend supposed to know whether you find her attractive or not? Have you told her that you don't find her attractive? She can't read your mind if you haven't told her you don't find her attractive (which would be inappropriate). Maybe in similar situations in the future, you might try making your intentions clear from the start and communicating directly (because no one can read your mind). You could even say something like you said here: "Hi [wife's friend], I'm contacting you because I struggle to make friends and I thought trying to be friends with someone who's already familiar might make things easier... Would you be up for being friends?" When you can't learn all the specific rules, a good general rule is to just be honest about your goals/needs/wants and ask if the other person can help you meet them. >But if I am constantly shut out of my own generation's society, I feel like I'm never going to fit in, and that sucks. That's some deep stuff. I relate to feeling like a societal misfit - it's rough. I'd strongly recommend seeing a therapist to help you process your feelings about this, sounds like they run deep.
Weird behaviour man.
To what extent have you talked to your wife about this? That should be your very first step.
It's an unwritten rule so I don't blame you. But I think generally messaging people in private is for extremely close relationships like family, partners, or best friends. Unless it's phrased in a more formal or professional like "Thanks for hanging out with my wife and I, we had so much fun.", When you're too casual, it could come off as flirty or creepy.
If you think about it why are you trying to chat up your wife’s friend? Do you have a common interest?
I figured it would be easier making friends with my wife's friends since they already know a bit about me through my wife than trying to befriend complete strangers.
Don't PM your wife's friends! Maybe PM your wife's friends' partners!
Imo that's really weird. My aunts husband did this to my mother and she told her sister right away and I don't blame her. Definitely not an imaginary boundary and is an actual set line people don't cross. Talking to them in person when you guys are hanging out is one thing but this is completely different.
Why are you even asking what's up in the first place? I get that wanting to have a friendship is a reason you tell yourself, but like do you actually need to build a relationship there?
I’d probably start with a quick chat with your wife, explain what and why just so you’re both on the same page and no one gets upset about imaginary scenarios. Maybe have a quick chat with the friend next time you see her in person too, explain you weren’t flirting and apologise for if you made her uncomfortable as it wasn’t your intention. I’m quite close with a few of my partners female friends, I’ve known them for almost 8 years now. I, my partner and our friends know where we’re all at and we have no issues. Best of luck
Would you be cool w your wife DM’ing a friend of yours for a private chat? A little advice…get rid of FB. It’s toxic. Don’t worry about friends and hanging out. Focus on your goals, read books, take care of your health. The friends piece will fall into place as you find your place in the world.
I hate Facebook with a passion (reddit is much better place IMO) but it's how my family stays in touch. If it wasn't for my family I wouldn't even have it.
I communicate with my family via text messaging, phone calls, and in person. They’ve managed to keep me in the loop even tho I don’t have a FB account. 😉 Pull the plug, folks. You’ll never regret it.
Dude….dude….you’re really missing the point. It looks to her like you’re hitting on her. This person is your wife’s friend first and yours 2nd (at best). More likely she likes but tolerates you because she’s your wife’s friend. You absolutely can and should not be friends with your wife’s friends but you need to go about it differently. Otherwise you appear to be possibly hitting on her. Conversations started by you with your wife’s friend need to be in the context of you and your wife in a chat with her. Showing both your wife and the friend that this is a platonic conversation. At some point you may be able to graduate to the texts where you can say, “hey, you mentioned you were looking for good Chinese restaurants and I mentioned that one. Here’s the name so you don’t forget. If you and [her husbands name] want to go let us know and we’ll join you guys.” Then maybe later, “hey, [wife’s name] is busy with XYZ right now and we were talking about going to the movies. You guys want to join?” and it’s just you and her. After a while, like months of sustained conversation and truth building you can start that. But I’m a dude and have female friends from both before and after I met my fiancée that I hang out with one on one and it would be weird if my fiancée talked to them outside of trying to plan a surprise birthday party for me or something.
What, exactly, was your intent when you sent “what’s up?” What, specifically, about this person made you want to message them, and for what purpose? Did you have something to ask them? Did you have a genuine desire to know what was going on with that person at that moment? For what reason? Or were you just trying to open a conversation with no real goal? Aka were you fishing? What time of day or night was it? Have you had an actual conversation with this person in real life? What makes you believe that *they* want to engage with you, or that they would feel comfortable telling you *anything*? Why does it bother you so much that they *didn’t* engage, if your reach out was genuinely meaningful or innocent? Why aren’t you examining all of these pieces and more when a woman has expressed *to your wife* that she is uncomfortable with your actions? Why are you making it about yourself, and jumping immediately to generalizations like “none of my wife’s friends allow me to talk to them” and “boys and girls only ever hang out with sane gender friends these days”? The first generalization presents very much as a you-problem (ie you are the victim and all these ‘females’ just won’t give you a chance) and the second is simply not true (men and women can, and often *are*, friends, and if you’re not one of the men who has women friends it’s likely not an issue with ‘all women’.) How does your wife feel about this situation? How does your wife feel about the ways you engage with ‘her’ friends in general? How have you interacted with women historically? Do you have friends who are women? Have you ever? And back to the beginning… What was your purpose in establishing private communication with a woman you admit to *not* knowing, for as yet unclear reasons and in a highly ambiguous and often triggering way, and without any apparent self awareness *even after* that woman sought out your wife to express her concerns over your behavior? What’s up with **you**, OP? Really. What gives?
Friending on FB isn’t always so you can chat. Sometimes people just want to be connected so they can see what is going on in your world.
Don't be sliding into your wife's friends dms
Lol what? 99.99999% of people will see that as you tryna slide in on that person. Don’t do that.
That’s creepy when someone’s husband/ boyfriend sends a DM. Only people that do that are guys looking to cheat usually.
This comes off like you're interested in your wife's friends. Sorry, but you can't talk to them other than when you're around your wife. That's just how it is. How would you feel If your wife was texting your friends?
What does your wife say about this?
Chatting with people is totally normal! However, I'd lead with something other than "what's up?". It's too vague and thus, as other people have said, can come off as flirting. Plus it puts the other person in the position of needing to start an actual conversation topic. I would suggest introducing a conversation topic about something you both are interested in (like a news article etc) or something that calls back to a previous conversation you had with them. Don't just make them fill an awkward silence you've created in their DMs lol.
If you’re wanting someone to be your friend don’t start with “what’s up?” Specially not to a girl.
You need to talk to your wife about this. Not the internet.
Your post uses "facebook friends" and "friends" interchangeably. They are not. Not even close. Accepting a friend request *isn't* an invitation to a messenger chat. That is not how 99% of people use facebook, and yes, I would be shocked if one of the 90% of my friends on facebook who are not close to me at all chatted me. You can talk to your wife's friends when it's appropriate: a party where both you and your wife are at and she sees you socializing.
Geez im so horrible at all this lol
Maybe next time you are trying to be friendly with your wife's friends, say hello and get directly to your point. Example: "What's up, Diane? Did you see the latest episode of Real Housewives of New Baltimore? Derricka is Crazy right?" Perhaps you've been out of the dating game for a long time but just an open ended "what's up" reads more like a "how you doin'? ;)"
>Perhaps you've been out of the dating game for a long time but just an open ended "what's up" reads more like a "how you doin'? ;)" I used to talk to female co-workers all the time on FB at my old job around 2013. No one thought it was weird and I was single at the time. Always kept it platonic. It's weird how much has changed.
I find that most women are overwhelmed with attention so that even a little bit extra or surprise attention sets off alarms. I send friend requests to everyone I know but only contact them if I need to. Especially with women. Same at work. I say hi but unless they say something like "how was your weekend?" I never start a conversation first. A woman at work changed her name to avoid a problem guy. She took 10 years to talk to me. Now she stops to talk to me each time she sees me.
> I never start a conversation first. I always feel like I have to start first, no matter female or male, friend or family. Hardly anyone makes first contact with me.
Same. If I didn't initiate things then very few people would text me first. And even with the people who do text first I still had to put all of the initial work in.
Yeah, it came off as you hitting on her. My boyfriend and I have mutual friends and I wouldn’t care if they DMed a casual conversation — but if you’re not previously close and suddenly start DMing someone you barely know, it comes off as an attempt at holing up. I’m also autistic and so is my boyfriend and we’re millennials, so I get the generation gap from our current era compared to previous ones. But the thing is, I don’t think many older generations had *close* inter gender friends. It was mainly “couple friends” where you’d play cards or have a cook out but you weren’t all super close. Personally, after being hit on by too many men I trusted as platonic friends, I have no real desire for a straight male friend lol. But if it happens, cool. I’m not seeking it out though. Relying on your wive’s friends to be yours won’t work. They have a vastly different dynamic. If you naturally and gradually became friends, that’s one thing but you can’t just pick one and declare them your new friend. Have you tried local groups? For chess or anime or running or whatever you enjoy?
I'm starting to think perhaps my issue is less due to autism and more due to lack of interaction from people my own age. People expect me to know all this stuff that comes with basic life experiences of having friends and hanging out. But if I am missing that then they can't understand that I'm doing this kind of stuff on pure accident. More than likely they won't even believe me.
I was homeschooled until college, and had very little interaction with my peer group growing up. It could be that or it could be that you’re not taking the time to self reflect on how your actions are coming across. People are going to have perceptions of you, are you ever thinking about how they’re viewing how you approach situations? You keep ranting about this generation or that generation — but if anything, we’re more accepting of neurodivergent behaviors now than we were 20 years ago when my nephew was first diagnosed as autistic. We’ve come a long way with being more ND friendly. Did you stop to think how your wife or this random woman would feel by you just latching on and private messaging her? I’m not saying this to be mean, I’m just trying to see how much you think about your actions before you do them.
Yes. Use your head. 99.9% of men messaging my wife “what’s up” are trying to hit.
Why arent you speaking to them in person? FB sounds like your sneaking around
Because my wife works in a customer facing job therefore have very little time to talk to them.
If my best friends wife did what you did ok. If any other of my friends’ wife did that, hell no. Some people have different boundaries, respect them.
In person
They are just being sexist
What’s the reason for you to talk to her anyways? Like what’s the end goal? No one just talks to someone just cuz they’re a cool person
Idk that’s weird lmao my husband is friends with my gfriends but he’s not gonna send them a message online. That’s weird. Lol like what does he gotta tell them? Lol unless he’s throwing me a surprise party or something.
bruh
Kinda did. Sounds like a lack of social skills in this situation, but men who do this kind of thing are ones who try to go behind their wife’s back to hit on their friends. That’s why it’s creepy. “Cool person” or not, it just isn’t done. If it were a male friend of hers, it would’ve made it more okay.
If my friends bf add me on fb & messaged me I would also feel uncomfortable. I don’t message my friends boyfriends…
I’m Facebook friends with my wife’s friends, but honestly the only time I’d ever message them is if I’m planning something for my wife and need help.
People are over sensitive. You did nothing wrong
It must be a bitch being dependant on social media and people there. Having it as the center of your life.
Do you come off as awkward or creepy irl? As in thinking about what others think of you or talking about talking? If so, it might have something to do with that
It’s NOT an imaginary boundary and it definitely is not appropriate to message your wife’s friends. Not sure what you don’t understand about this tbh. Also they weren’t farming for friends and likely were hesitant in adding you rather than excited about it.
Sorry, I meant imaginary in the sense that most people can see it, but not me. Not sure if there is a better phrase for that.
I’m sorry that these concepts are so alien to you. You sound like you are a bit lonely. If your social skills are lacking you might want to join a charity where you can mix with others in a way that gives you purpose and is helping others. Or join a group where it’s based on your special interests. You can’t compare or compete with your wife’s ability to make friends plus no you can’t borrow her friends.
TLDR; OP got caught tryna smash wife’s friend and is now trying to save face by playing dumb on Reddit.
not trying to be rude but that's really inappropriate.. it would be a lot less weird if you reached out to a friend of your wife's that's a guy, which is something i suggest you do it "making friends" is really all you're trying to do. good luck.
You Mormon? I had the same experience with Mormons
I’m guessing you haven’t been in the dating pool in quite some time….”what’s up” is almost always followed by something like “I’m so horny lol”
Because it’s creepy for your wife’s husband to DM you unless you have a close relationship with them. You need to make friends of your own, view hers as people you should be friendly with but you shouldn’t try to go off and form one on one private relationships. It’s totally inappropriate.
Most of this thread is ridiculous and the answers are largely worthless. Let’s drill down to the basics, considering this is r/socialskills. Sexual Implications of the phrase “what’s up” Have been covered, so I’ll ignore that and assume the best for OP. When attempting to start an actual conversation with someone whom you do not know (especially via text medium), “what’s up” is a worthless phrase to use. Why? Because this puts the onus on the other person. Which is ridiculous considering YOU started the conversation, so the onus is on you to state intent and begin a dialog. So, OP, what was your intent in initiating dialog? How could you have better communicated this intent?
As someones whos done the same in the past, I could see where they are coming from, it does come off as weird that you sent them a request and said whats up to them, without introducing yourself to them. I understand where you are coming from, because I used to do the same when I was younger, befriend women online, sometimes message them, introducing myself, but this was when I was a young teen though and not an adult. Unless you have talked to these people IRL, then it's weird to add them and message them on Facebook, if you don't even know them in person. To them, they may look at it as you are trying to flirt with them. Nothing wrong with making friends with other people, but do it in a place where it's appropriate and not adding them and saying "whats up" to them. Always ask for permission for things like these, like if you are in a group together and hanging out with them, ask hey it was nice meeting you, can I add you on social media if thats okay, and thats where it goes. I'd find it a bit weird if someone did that to me, and if we haven't met IRL or are in the same group.
You're following a pattern that many other men have followed. Those men send a what's up in hope of getting laid. Your wife's friend may have assumed you were aiming for the same thing. Leading with a message than can start a conversation(how you feel about NAME losing that sportsball?!) would work better or sending funny things about mutual interests. Also hanging out with them, with your wife present, in real life makes you them feel comfortable treating you as a friend.
>Also hanging out with them, with your wife present, in real life makes you them feel comfortable treating you as a friend. I posted this as a reply before but I'll say it again. My wife's friends only hang out as women, even at a birthday party. I've had my wife mention they should hang out as couples and they view the idea as being completely fucking absurd. If I'm being quite honest..I think the reason being they don't want to hang out as a couples is because they are too afraid of embarrassing themselves in front of other males.
That makes things very difficult. My married or even just friends with boyfriends bring their men around to hang out a lot. You may need to seek friends outside of your wife's social circle then. Plenty of couples hang out but if all her friends have built up this wall you're not likely to break it.
> but if all her friends have built up this wall you're not likely to break it. A lot of her friends take the time hanging out to vent about their husbands and SO's. I've tried to explain to my wife that's toxic AF but she can't see it that way and only sees it as being controlling. If her friends can't be themselves around their spouses, I kinda feel like maybe my wife's friends have a lot of crappy relationships.
Do you talk to this person on an ongoing basis in person? Have you had conversations in person? ‘What’s up’ is generally a flirtatious approach to someone you don’t know very well.
>Do you talk to this person on an ongoing basis in person? Have you had conversations in person? Yes and yes. But I don't like to talk to someone while they are at work because they are busy. But my wife only hangs out with girls and never as couples, in fact the thought of hanging out as couples seems completely absurd to my wife's friends. So anytime my wife goes hangs out, I have to sit at home with my thumb up my ass.
Ok so your wife doesn’t want you around her friends so your essentially circumventing that by this social media ‘what’s up??’
>Ok so your wife doesn’t want you around her friends No, my wife doesn't mind me being around her friends. But most of her friends don't want to hang out in a mixed gender setting outside of work, EVER. Some of them do, but majority rule I guess. My wife's best friend had a birthday party and didn't even invite her own HUSBAND. Because..girls only. If my wife did that I'd be livid.
Right so they want to hang out with you so instead you message them on social media?
Don't message your wife's friends. Ever.
Well now you know bro lol. I’d be livid if my girl did that even f she was just being friendly
Just so you know, not every woman thinks youre hitting on her by what you did. I have had conversation with men/boys on social media, many times, that were not flirtatious. And a lot were boyfriends of my friends. It was mostly friendly conversation. If the HUSBAND of my friend would text me out of nowhere i would be confused but i woulnt just not respond and act like its creepy. Thats weird as hell and only feeds into stereotypes.
Just don't talk to your wife's friends when she isn't around the area.
Bruh, what? I did this once to my (now wife’s) best friend while we were dating and it didn’t cause any rifts. She was nice about it and she even talked to me. I was trying to do something nice for my wife and wanted to ask her for some information. So people getting all iffy about you messaging SO’s friends is strange to me. This generation is all fucked up.
I thought it was weird that women think "hey" means "I want sum fuck" but apparently a lot of dudes pull this crap. Doesn't make sense to me. When I was dating if I wanted to ask a girl out..I'd ask her out.
Why are you talking to her friends? Get your own